By Zephyria 
‘Man.’
Hae-jun rested his chin on his hand and looked out the window.
‘Man.’
The men passing by outside the window didn’t seem ordinary anymore.
Sitting by the window in a sunny cafe, Hae-jun was waiting for Lee A-gon. Lee A-gon, who had passed the first audition for
He heard that the role of ‘Jung-on’ among the main characters ‘Jung-on’ and ‘Myung-eum’ had already been decided. All that was left was ‘Myung-eum.’ Lee A-gon entered the audition with the determination to win this role.
Since it was an independent film, the progress was fast, and if Lee A-gon passed the second audition, he was scheduled to go straight into the script reading tomorrow.
‘Man.’
It was an important day, but Hae-jun somehow couldn’t concentrate. Since the day before yesterday, he had been thinking about men. Men. Not Lee A-gon, but other men. Him mixing bodies with that man.
‘Am I becoming gay?’
Sex with Lee A-gon was too good. Honestly, if he could, he wanted to keep having sex with Lee A-gon forever. But if the day ever came when that was impossible… then what should he do?
May. As the weather warmed up, there were many men with light clothing. Hae-jun narrowed his eyes and carefully looked at the crotches of the men.
A man wearing a jersey that showed off his body line passed by. His penis was subtly prominent.
Ugh, Hae-jun frowned. That much showing meant that his penis was small. Because it was small, it was lifted up and stood pointedly. Rice bows its head as it ripens, and a heavy penis also hangs down. Hae-jun turned his head to another man.
A man wearing long pants. A man wearing shorts. A man wearing jeans. A man wearing cotton pants, etc. Hae-jun carefully observed the faces of many men and the area around their penises.
“Hyung.”
Then he heard Lee A-gon’s voice. Hae-jun blinked and turned his gaze. He was sitting across from him, having arrived sometime ago. Hae-jun was surprised and widened his eyes.
“Lee A-gon? When did you get here?”
“About 10 minutes ago.”
Lee A-gon replied in a low voice.
“You should have called me when you got here.”
He was looking at men without knowing that the person he was waiting for had arrived. Hae-jun felt a little awkward.
“Do you like that man?”
Hae-jun took a sip of his cold coffee to hide his embarrassment, but Lee A-gon asked. Hae-jun asked back, “Huh? Who?”
“That man.”
Lee A-gon pointed to a man passing by outside the window.
“No?”
“Then why were you staring at that man?”
“Oh… was I?”
Hae-jun feigned ignorance.
“Yes. You were. And the man in the gray shirt and the man in the suit who passed by earlier too.”
You kept staring. Lee A-gon replied in a dark and faint voice.
“No. I was just spacing out. Who was I staring at? By the way, how was the audition? Did you get it?”
Hae-jun changed the subject. What was important was not him, but Lee A-gon. He was curious about whether Lee A-gon had passed the audition.
But Lee A-gon didn’t seem to want to change the subject. He stared at Hae-jun, paler than the napkin in front of him, and asked this.
“Are you tired of me?”
“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”
“Please tell me honestly.”
Lee A-gon’s eyes twitched as if convulsing.
“Hyung, you’ve been staring at the crotches of the men passing by since a while ago.”
Hae-jun coughed and put down the cup he was holding. His face turned red. Ah, damn it. He got caught.
“No, no. I wasn’t.”
“You were. You frowned when you saw a man whose penis looked small.”
“Hey, be quiet.”
Hae-jun was flustered and covered Lee A-gon’s mouth. Don’t talk about penises in a public place like this.
“……”
Lee A-gon, his mouth covered by Hae-jun, lowered his head. Shiny black hair flowed down to his forehead. Tears welled up in his eyes.
“Lee A-gon, don’t cry.”
But already thick tears were falling in streams. Hae-jun was flustered and took his hand off Lee A-gon’s face.
“I’ll do better. I’ll try harder. So… don’t go to another man.”
“I’m not going. I wasn’t even thinking of going.”
“Then why were you looking at other men?”
“Hey, that’s…”
Hae-jun opened his mouth and closed it again. If he brought up the story of why he started looking at other men here, the situation would obviously spiral out of control.
“It’s just that… I thought I knew someone… so that’s why.”
In the end, Hae-jun stammered and made an unbelievable excuse. Lee A-gon looked at Hae-jun with sad eyes and shed tears.
“A-gon-ah, don’t cry.”
Even in the pouring May sunlight, he was so pale that he looked white, crying because he saw another man. It was always the case that he cried while looking at him, but he felt sorry for him again. He was wearing a black turtleneck, which emphasized his white neck and face, and the sight was as pure as a lily with a long stem.
“Don’t cry. Hyung was wrong.”
Before he knew it, a flustered voice came out. He didn’t want Lee A-gon to cry. He didn’t want to see him sad.
“No. Hyung didn’t do anything wrong. It’s my fault.”
“Why you.”
“I’m ugly… and lacking…”
Lee A-gon bit and released his lip.
“I don’t have a good education. I only graduated elementary school…”
“You only graduated elementary school?”
Hae-jun was a little shocked. He didn’t even graduate middle school?
“Then did you drop out of middle school? …You didn’t not even enter middle school, did you?”
“……”
Lee A-gon silently chewed on his lip and covered his face with both hands. He felt so embarrassed and upset that it could be felt from the back of his hands covering his face.
“Ah, no. I don’t mean that graduating elementary school is wrong. Lee A-gon. Hey.”
Hae-jun was flustered. He didn’t want to make him cry, but he made him cry again.
“I couldn’t go to school because I was sick.”
Lee A-gon said in a wet voice as if whispering.
“I went back and forth between the hospital and the sanatorium… and I lost consciousness several times.”
“……”
“I entered middle school. I kept being absent… in the second year… that’s what happened. Hyung, I’m not stupid. I really am.”
“A-gon-ah.”
His heart ached. He was sick because he couldn’t get help, and the reason was with him. It was because of the stupid hypnosis he had put on him.
“Yeah, I know. You’re not stupid. Lee A-gon, lift your face.”
After persuading him, Lee A-gon finally lifted his face. As he forcibly removed his hands, tears that had received sunlight flowed down, sparkling brightly.
“Now tell me, hyung.”
“Tell you what.”
“What to fix. There’s something lacking in me, so you’re looking at other men.”
“I’m not, I told you.”
Lee A-gon shook his head. He didn’t believe Hae-jun’s excuse that he just looked because he thought he knew him at all.
“I’ll study and get plastic surgery. So I’ll become a man who suits hyung.”
“Hey, plastic surgery.”
“Tell me. If you just tell me where, I’ll fix my eyes or nose to your liking.”
Lee A-gon seemed to have made up his mind. He was convinced that Hae-jun was dissatisfied with him. No matter how much he said it wasn’t like that, he shook his head and wouldn’t listen. He didn’t seem to be going to back down until he told him something.
There was nothing he could do. He felt like he had to say something to end this conversation. After much deliberation, Hae-jun decided to say one part. However, it had to be a place where plastic surgery was impossible.
“If I had to pick one… maybe my eyelashes.”
“Eyelashes?”
“Yeah, I have a lot of hair on my eyes. There are a lot of them, and they’re long.”
Lee A-gon blinked.
“You don’t like this?”
“If I had to pick one, that’s it.”
“I’ll get rid of them.”
Lee A-gon took out a lighter from his pocket, lit it, and brought the fire to his eyes without any hesitation. The small orange flame was about to burn Lee A-gon’s eyes.
The table rattled, and the half-empty coffee cup spilled. The chair made a loud noise and was pulled back. The employee peeked out at the sudden commotion.
“Are you crazy?”
Hae-jun clenched his trembling hand. In his hand was a lighter. Lee A-gon looked at Hae-jun with wide eyes.
“Hyung, in your hand…”
“What are you doing right now.”
“Please open your hand. Are you burned?”
“Who’s worrying about someone when they were just trying to burn their own face?”
Hae-jun bit down on his molars. He had just witnessed Lee A-gon trying to scorch his face right before his eyes. The moment he saw it, he snatched the lit lighter without even thinking. If he hadn’t, Lee A-gon would have burned his face.
“I wasn’t trying to burn my face, I was trying to burn my eyelashes.”
“That’s the same thing. What if you hurt your eyes!”
“No, I was….”
Lee A-gon bit his lip, looking like he had a lot to say. Hae-jun slumped down. He was more shocked than he could express. His heart was still pounding.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d see it that way. I have trouble controlling areas like my eyebrows or hair myself, so I wanted to get rid of them quickly.”
Lee A-gon spoke carefully, sounding repentant. Hae-jun covered his forehead. He had a headache.
“I’m really sorry for startling you, hyung. I’ll cut them with scissors later.”
“Don’t.”
“Yes? But.”
“Don’t cut them. Don’t burn them either. Now that I see them again, I really like them. No, it’s not just that I like them, they’re incredibly pretty.”
“But just now….”
“Oh, they weren’t great just now, but now that I see them, they’re incredibly pretty. They’re the part of your face I like the most.”
“……”
Lee A-gon thought Hae-jun was lying, but he was conflicted by the thought that maybe, just maybe, he was telling the truth.
“Haa, shit.”
Hae-jun rubbed his temples. When he saw Lee A-gon trying to burn his face with the lighter, he thought his heart would stop. In that moment, all the worries that had been tormenting him vanished as if they had evaporated. His interest in other men also disappeared completely. Now, there was only Lee A-gon.