By Zephyria 
No more excuses were manufactured in front of him. Eun-ha, who had been struggling to recall yesterday, which was as blank as a cut film, finally let out a hollow breath.
The muscles in his face felt stiff and hardened. While he was losing control and his expression was falling apart, the past came back to him involuntarily. The countless nights he had kept someone by his side and used them as a means to solve his insomnia.
To be so dependent on others, like a parasite, because he couldn’t even solve his own sleep problems. Even a kindergarten kid wouldn’t be that naive. There couldn’t be a more unsightly bare face than that.
That was a secret he had never told anyone because he hated it. So he felt indescribably miserable. It felt like his entire bottom had been exposed without any way to fix it. He wanted to run away anywhere right now.
More than anything, what he couldn’t stand was Yeon-jun, who looked so uncomfortable. Like someone who was uncomfortable with pity.
At that moment, thorns sprouted in his heart as if raising a shield.
“…So. What’s the big deal?”
“……”
“You found out one thing and suddenly you think you’re something? Do you feel sorry for me, do you pity me, is that what you see?”
He spat out the words cynically. Who are you to… What gives you the right… Yeon-jun only showed a faint, meaningless smile at the hostile reaction. He briefly drew an arc with his lips and began to speak.
“Hyung.”
“What.”
“We’ve known each other for quite a while, though.”
“……”
“So I think I know a little bit.”
“……Know what.”
“That you can’t say mean things with sincerity.”
“……”
“And that you’re going to regret saying this all alone?”
It was a guessing tone, but he knew it was a definitive meaning. As if to change the atmosphere, Eun-ha had to let out a momentary sigh at the sound that sounded somewhat playful. It was always like this when he was with this kid. He loses the will to create conflict as if he’s being drawn in. He clicked his tongue silently and thought. Certainly, he had been sticking around too much lately.
It was about a month ago that they started a bet that wasn’t a bet. A month. Objectively, it wasn’t a long time, but thanks to the fact that they faced each other almost every day and shared contact, it felt much more distant. It was the first time in a while that each day had been so long.
He was thinking quietly. Suddenly, their eyes met. Yeon-jun, who habitually put a smile on his unique calm eyes, reached out a hand. He grabs his arm and pulls him in. In an instant, he was in his arms. Eun-ha, whose face was buried in his broad shoulder, breathed quietly. As he felt the arms around his waist and the warm warmth, he sank into that terrible feeling again.
“I’ve never pitied you. I don’t think I’m anything either. Like you said, what am I to you.”
“……”
“Why would I pity you, Hyung? I don’t want to do that.”
But…….
“I’m worried about you. Because I like you.”
Eun-ha thought dazedly at the calm confession. He didn’t know why he was doing this to him. Really, why do you to me…….
“Yesterday, Hyung kept saying that he wanted to sleep. But it didn’t sound like he was asking me to do anything. So I was wondering. I was a little upset when you said it was true.”
“……”
“I just…….
“……”
“I just want you to sleep well. I really do.”
Then he hugs him tighter, giving him more strength. Eun-ha, who was completely close in his arms, put strength into his eyes. It’s not because of anything else. Because that voice wishing for a peaceful night sounded like a bigger confession than any words of liking.
It wasn’t easy to calm his mind. Something that had reached its limit was sloshing as if it would overflow. To keep having these feelings for a kid who is eight years younger than him. No matter how he thought about it, it was a pathetic act. He knew that, but it was funny and painful that the direction of his heart didn’t flow as he wanted. Eun-ha, who was silently suffocating, muttered like a joke.
“So what. Are you going to put me to sleep every day or something?”
“Yes.”
A burst of laughter came out of his mouth at the answer that didn’t even pretend to hesitate.
“What do you mean yes, you.”
“I’m serious. You can use me like a body pillow.”
“What do you mean use…….”
Yeon-jun smiled faintly at the grumpy tone.
“If you don’t like being used, there are other ways.”
The meaning is obvious. It means that if they were dating, it wouldn’t be using. Eun-ha snorted. That was the end of it for a while. As if giving each other time to think. Or as if melting into the phenomenon.
Soon, Yeon-jun grabbed Eun-ha’s shoulders. He opened the distance slightly and looked down at Eun-ha from close by. Eun-ha instinctively sensed what words would be heard next from the gaze that fell quietly.
“Hyung.”
“Yeah.”
“I really like you.”
It was a gentle voice. Eun-ha subtly averted his gaze to the side from the pouring gaze. He felt like the wall inside him would be shattered if he kept facing him.
Then he let out a futile laugh.
“I know.”
He knew it too well. It was so hard to endure it. He kept having other thoughts.
Incredibly, he kept wanting to lean on him.
“What about you, Hyung?”
“……What.”
“I’m curious about your heart, Hyung.”
“……”
“Is it impossible?”
Eun-ha thought skeptically. What does his heart matter?
That didn’t matter at all. What’s important isn’t the heart right now. It was the future that the heart would bring about someday. Eun-ha never wanted to like anyone again. He sincerely and desperately wanted that. He never wanted to experience it again.
He didn’t want to love anyone. But.
“……I don’t know.”
“……”
“I really don’t know, Yeon-jun.”
Eun-ha, who uttered in an uncertain tone as he said, rubbed his eyes. Feeling vaguely the gaze that asked silently what he didn’t know so much.
“I’m…….”
“……”
“I’m not confident. Whether I can do romance well.”
“What are you not so confident about?”
“Because I’m not as good a person as you think.”
“……”
“It’ll be very different from your expectations. And maybe, you’ll definitely be disappointed soon…….”
“……”
“So I really don’t know.”
It was a self-deprecating tone. Just as Yeon-jun was about to habitually take the light out of his eyes as if it were a rejection.
Eun-ha, who was biting his lip as if contemplating, lowered his eyes.
“……If it’s okay with you.”
On the contrary, Yeon-jun’s eyes widened slightly. Like someone who sensed what would follow.
Eun-ha hesitated and chose his words. Before he could say anything like that.
“It’s okay.”
An answer fell without the slightest hesitation. As if seizing an opportunity. A moment of silly laughter leaked out at the act of cutting off without even listening properly.
Eun-ha, who was looking in the wrong direction for no reason, muttered a small word.
“……Okay. Then.”
“……Yes?”
“Let’s do that.”