By Zephyria 
Returning home, he immediately started drinking alone. He sat down at the kitchen island and opened a bottle of soju. He could say with certainty that it was the first time in years he’d drunk alone at home. It was the first time since he’d lived almost like an alcoholic. Taking that time as a cautionary tale, he had deliberately restrained himself. He had been wary of drinking with the purpose of getting drunk. But now, he didn’t seem to care. He wanted to escape his sober mind. He thought it would be nice to fall into a deep sleep.
“……”
Thanks to pouring down only pure alcohol, he quickly became intoxicated. Eun-ha wasn’t much of a drinker. It didn’t take long for his consciousness to become muddled. His body slumped as if gravity had tripled. Staggering, he barely managed to lean his elbows on the table. The dazed Eun-ha slowly blinked and thought of Yeon-jun. He just popped into his head. He was drinking to avoid thinking about him, but he was annoyed that he thought of him again.
He shook his head violently once, but it didn’t help much. These days, Eun-ha’s insides were filled with Yeon-jun. He had no choice but to pour more alcohol more actively. Fortunately, he still had room to get more drunk. Soon, completely wasted, Eun-ha felt inexplicably happy as if he was piercing through the clouds, then repeatedly felt depressed as if his chest was collapsing. Buried in turbulent emotions, he rummaged through his pockets to find his cell phone while trying to soothe his churning stomach. He called someone without thinking.
……Lee Eun-ha? What’s wrong?
At this hour? The other person asked. He could hear it well, but the content wasn’t properly conveyed. Only the man’s voice was clearly engraved. Then, in an instant, his spine felt so empty that he felt a shiver down his spine. His shoulders felt cold as if he was left alone in the world. He was hungry. So Eun-ha continued the call thoughtlessly with someone he didn’t even know. He wanted to keep hearing that voice.
Why are you calling, I missed you, where are you now…… He could vaguely judge from the excited words. It seemed to be one of the people he had casually hooked up with sometime.
Sure enough, the other person, who seemed to be asking about his well-being normally, soon began to make explicit obscene remarks. Eun-ha chuckled and covered his forehead with his palm. Barely supporting his body, which was tilting as he pleased, he listened carefully to the voice of the other person, who kept urging him to meet. He suddenly replied as if it were everyday.
“Should I?”
A silly laugh burst out. The other person replied in an excited tone.
……Really? I’d love to.
“Okay. Then shall we meet?”
The other person immediately agreed to his languid and twisted tone. Another silly laugh came out at the clearly conveyed impatience. He seemed to like that impatience. The feeling that someone wanted him.
He felt even better at the thought of overlapping bodies as they were. He wanted to. He wanted to entangle his limbs and share body temperature. Suddenly, what shook him was a certain emotion that shook his whole body. The reason why Eun-ha constantly seeks physical relationships. Something close to his true feelings that he usually buries.
A very strong feeling of loneliness.
Yeah. He was lonely and empty. He was desperately hungry and his limbs were cold. Since the breakup, Eun-ha had been constantly suffering from such a deficiency. It was closer to inertia or a desperate attempt to return to his original life. They say the easiest way to ruin a person is to become their everything and then disappear. Eun-ha experienced exactly that, and so he clung to people again. He didn’t want to make anyone his everything again, so he erased his emotions.
He had been doing well so far.
But recently, he couldn’t do that at all. Because of that kid. With a faint mind, Eun-ha, who recalled Yeon-jun again, bit his lower lip. Then he started making strange rationalizations. Yeah……. That’s why. Because he hadn’t had a relationship for too long. Because he couldn’t even do that, he had fallen into a bizarre delusion. He had just gone to the limit for a moment because of loneliness. That’s all.
There’s no way I could like someone.
“……”
In the meantime, the man on the other end of the line kindly instructed him on what time he should go where. Eun-ha quietly concentrated on the other person’s voice, then pronounced that he would, with a twisted tongue, and put down the phone as if he had dropped it.
It was almost midnight. He left the house so impulsively. He groped for slippers with his bare feet and came out into the hallway. As soon as he did, the humid air of the summer night rushed in. Feeling a slight shortness of breath, he moved his steps. Then his vision spun, so he had to close his eyes tightly and open them again. In the elevator, he spent a long time turning his throbbing head inside out and pressing the floor button.
He got off the stopped elevator, walked a few more steps, and then rang the doorbell.
There was no response. Eun-ha waited for a while, managing his swaying head, and then rang the doorbell again as his little patience ran out. This time, he didn’t stop at once, but repeatedly several times. Of course, he had no awareness of the problem at all.
Finally, the door burst open. The man’s face, which appeared through the gap, was a mixture of inexplicable bewilderment and unadulterated annoyance. The expression that had been like that for a moment faded like a lie the moment he made eye contact. He paused and stiffened, then relaxed slightly as if he was softening. Before he knew it, only generous favor remained in the other person’s eyes. He was dissatisfied with that, but at the same time, he was pleased.
“Hyung……?”
As Eun-ha languidly looked up, Yeon-jun examined Eun-ha with a cautious look. The reason was that the person who suddenly appeared seemed to be in a bad state at a glance. A short-sleeved T-shirt and knee-length shorts. Bare feet and slippers. Bloodshot whites of his eyes for some reason. A body that couldn’t keep its balance and was staggering.
“Did you drink?”
Eun-ha hardened his eyes at the neat voice. He felt an indescribable warm feeling rising up in an instant. Because the short voice was too affectionate.
He took a step as if possessed. Because that step went wrong, he staggered as if he was falling, and Yeon-jun immediately and nimbly supported Eun-ha. The hand that came under his armpits held up his body. His heart was wriggling at the solid sensation.
Eun-ha, who raised his blurry eyes, stared at Yeon-jun vaguely for a while, then naturally reached out his arm as if it was a habit. He put his wrist around his neck, put strength into it, and raised his chin. He kissed the man who was being dragged awkwardly without being prepared. Feeling a slight thirst on his unopening lips, he groped over them.
Yeon-jun stood still for a while, receiving the one-sided kiss. As if overcoming the soft sensation that gnawed at his lips, or stiffening for a moment, he soon reached out his hand. He grabbed Eun-ha’s shoulders and pulled him away. It was very easy to control a drunk person. Eun-ha, who lowered his arms and fell powerlessly, reflexively glared at Yeon-jun. Yeon-jun gave a vaguely broken smile.
“Hyung.”
“Why.”
“Is kissing your habit when you’re drunk?”
A voice mixed with some reproach. Eun-ha answered simply.
“No.”
“But why again…….”
“I want to.”
“……”
“Do you hate it?”
Yeon-jun looked down at Eun-ha, who was trying to push himself in with a reckless, very neat and accurate demand, with difficulty.