By Zephyria 
It was funny how he always retorted whenever Eun-ha spoke self-deprecatingly. Eun-ha frowned slightly, then stopped. He fixed his gaze on the TV, delving deep into his past. This winter. Of course, he couldn’t remember anything.
“So, you’ve liked me since then?”
Yeon-jun didn’t answer. He wore an ambiguous expression, pressing his tongue against his cheek. Was that a yes? As Eun-ha watched him, puzzled, Yeon-jun steered the conversation back to the original topic. He wanted to see Eun-ha’s house. Eun-ha narrowed his eyes. Was he that curious? No matter how he thought about it, it wouldn’t benefit Yeon-jun at all.
“I’ll see.”
As Eun-ha gave an evasive answer, the strange light that had been shining in Yeon-jun’s eyes quickly faded. Showing his sulky feelings, he slightly pouted his lower lip. Eun-ha remained impassive, and Yeon-jun deliberately jutted out his lips and leaned in. He rested his forehead on Eun-ha’s shoulder and hugged his waist. Eun-ha awkwardly shifted his gaze at the almost petulant gesture. His body stiffened involuntarily.
“…Don’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Hugging, touching… don’t do that.”
Yeon-jun abruptly lifted his face from Eun-ha’s shoulder. For a moment, the refreshing scent of shampoo wafted and disappeared. He stared at Eun-ha for a moment, then asked, “Why?” Eun-ha frowned slightly, as if asking the obvious, and replied.
“Because it’s uncomfortable.”
“Why is it uncomfortable?”
Eun-ha couldn’t answer that. His throat tightened, and he was at a loss for words. Indeed. Why was such a trivial skinship so uncomfortable? There was no reason for it to be uncomfortable. At least, that was the case for Eun-ha. He shouldn’t care about skinship. After all the times he had prostituted himself, why should he care about something like this?
But right now, he did. He felt awkward, disliked it, and wanted to avoid it if possible. He felt like having sex would be a hundred, a thousand times better. Than this.
Than this.
Yeah. Would it be better if he just went crazy and rolled around with him?
“……”
As Eun-ha remained silent, Yeon-jun’s gaze intensified. The arms around his waist tightened slightly. It felt like an interrogation, as if asking, ‘Why aren’t you answering?’ So he had to open his mouth.
But his voice wouldn’t come out. Eun-ha, who had been frozen, couldn’t say anything in the end and licked his parched lips. He roughly rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. He felt his nape stiffen with bewilderment.
His intraocular pressure rose. He felt tired and exhausted. He wanted to kick Yeon-jun out of his house right away. He had always felt that way whenever he was with Yeon-jun. It was dizzying and exhausting. He often felt like running away. The taboos that Yeon-jun shouldn’t do steadily increased day by day. Eun-ha didn’t like it when Yeon-jun asked if he had eaten, and he was annoyed when he told him to sleep well every day. Of course, he didn’t like being hugged either.
But at the same time, he felt good when he was hugged. The arms wrapped around his waist gave him a sense of stability. He didn’t particularly want to let go. He wanted to settle down. Holding hands was similar. And all the other trivial things.
What was all that? Why did he feel such conflicting emotions?
Eun-ha let out a hollow breath and lowered his gaze.
“Yeon-jun.”
“Yes.”
“Should we stop?”
“……”
“This.”
His voice sounded devoid of confidence, even to himself. Yeon-jun repeated it calmly.
“This.”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
His tone was calm to the end. A calm attitude without a big reaction. Eun-ha dragged out the time for a few seconds, then let out a dry, self-deprecating laugh. He felt miserable, as if he had become a defeated soldier surrendering. He wondered if there was any other way. Saying he wanted to stop was tantamount to admitting that there was a reason to do so.
Still, he said it. Because if he could cut him off now, he wanted to do so.
Because he was genuinely worried. He wondered what he would look like after he had filled all ten times.
How much, this kid…
“What? Hyung. Why do you want to stop?”
“…You know.”
“I don’t know.”
“If you don’t know, then forget it.”
A deflated laugh was heard at the sulky reply.
“Are you worried about me, Hyung?”
“……”
“Or, is it that you might already like me?”
Eun-ha’s eyes narrowed at the words that sounded like teasing. Yeon-jun, who received a rather fierce look, lowered his eyelids playfully to show a repentant attitude, then suddenly looked at Eun-ha with hazy eyes. Then he buried his forehead on Eun-ha’s shoulder again. His hair tickled his neck. A faint shiver ran down his spine. Yeon-jun, who put Eun-ha in his arms like a doll as Eun-ha squirmed and cringed, spoke in an excited voice.
“I was just throwing it out there.”
“……”
“Really?”
“……”
“Do you really like me?”
“-It’s not like.”
“Not like?”
“……”
For a moment, he couldn’t find the words and moved his lips. He kept losing his words. Haa… Eun-ha, who finally let out a sigh, made a face that was withering away in defeat. The questions continued without ceasing.
“Since when?”
“……”
“Since when was it like that, Hyung.”
His voice was even slightly trembling. Yes? Hyung. Please answer me. My heart is beating so fast right now… Thanks to being buried in the arms of the other person who was muttering so, Eun-ha also knew. That his heart was beating violently.
The sensation of rapid beating was vividly transmitted through the contact surface. It made Eun-ha dizzy. He felt like his head would be submerged in a thick and intense emotion. He tried to pull himself together.
“What does it matter?”
“It matters. You like me, Hyung.”
“…It’s not like I like you.”
“Then?”
“It’s not that much, it’s much less than that.”
He knew it was a futile defense, but he stubbornly built a barrier. Yeon-jun chuckled at the ridiculous excuse.
“Okay. It’s less than that.”
He felt defeated again for a moment, but Eun-ha brazenly raised his head.
“Yes? Hyung. Since when was it?”
Since when, and how did it happen? Eun-ha, of course, did not respond to the words asking for a detailed explanation. He only thought to himself. He didn’t remember the exact time, and there were many reasons. Didn’t you know? Didn’t you know, and were you so confident that you blurted out such absurd things as meeting me only ten times?
Really, no one can help but like you…
“…That’s really not important. Yeon-jun.”
“How is it not important?”
“No matter how I feel, the fact that we’re going to end up is still the same.”
He spoke calmly. This much was true. Not a word that he deliberately took out to push him away, but pure sincerity. An unchanging fact.
Yeon-jun raised his head slightly and looked at Eun-ha. Because Eun-ha did not avoid his gaze like defiance, a confrontation-like eye contact continued for a while.
At the end, Yeon-jun, who showed a subtle smile, said.
“Then I can’t listen to you saying let’s stop.”
“……”
“We promised.”
A neat voice. Eun-ha frowned sullenly and turned his gaze away. Because he had nothing to say. He clicked his tongue inwardly and quietly sighed. He had to diligently chew over the remaining number of times with a feeling of not even finding the principal. Five times. After only five times.
Yeon-jun went back around sunset. Lying on the sofa in the house where familiar silence had fallen, Eun-ha blankly let time pass for a while. Then, unable to overcome his smoking urge, he went out of the house. Because his heart was stuffy as if it was tightly pressed.
He just put on a hat and headed straight to the convenience store. He was just going to buy cigarettes, but somehow he bought alcohol together. It was a purely impulsive decision that did not go through rational thinking.