By Zephyria 
Whenever he fell into that strange, unknowable agenda, Eun-ha would repeat his original purpose like a vow. What to do. He was just in the process of meeting and breaking up after ten dates. This was a relationship with a defined end, a connection he could sever at any time, and he would do so as soon as the time came.
Why only three dates had been filled was truly a mystery. It felt like he had met him twenty times.
In reality, he had met him a little less than that. However, they hadn’t eaten together, nor had they held hands. Coming to a cafe and dawdling a bit was okay to let go. Contacting each other occasionally was no problem. He was so complacent that Yeon-jun had seeped into his daily life. It was too late to regret it.
Then Eun-ha scolded himself. What was there to regret? That was something only those with regrets did. Eun-ha had no regrets. He had no feelings, so it didn’t matter what form the process took. The ending would be the same no matter how many more times they met.
So, once those ten times or whatever quickly passed—.
“I’ve been here often.”
“With whom?”
“Various people. It was different each time.”
It wouldn’t be difficult to guess the degree of implication. That all those ‘people’ were partners he had spent more than one night with.
Should he show his ugly side, or should he try to save face? Caught between two extremes that he couldn’t decide on, Eun-ha had almost given up on choosing. It was because he had realized one thing. Even if he showed his ugly side, Yeon-jun wouldn’t digest it as expected.
No matter what he did, he didn’t seem to be losing interest. So he also became reluctant to treat him especially well. He was afraid that it would only make his feelings more solid. That was a bit… wasn’t it a kind of deception, he thought on the one hand.
So Eun-ha gave up worrying about his attitude. Instead of trying to make things up in a headache-inducing way, he decided to be roughly honest. Leaving the judgment entirely up to Yeon-jun.
There was a round, protruding space in the middle of the long bridge. Reaching that place, Eun-ha put his arm on the railing.
“The wind is blowing a lot.”
“It is.”
“Aren’t you cold?”
“A little.”
Although it was reaching 30 degrees Celsius during the day these days, it was still quite chilly at night. Moreover, the air was especially cold here by the river. It was around the time he was shrugging his shoulders.
“Then can I hug you?”
It was a voice that sounded as clear as a pure question. Had he heard correctly? When he turned to the side in disbelief, Yeon-jun, who was also leaning his elbow on the railing, had a faint smile in his eyes. Then he pulled his upper body back and took a stance as if he would lean this way, slightly opening his arms.
Eun-ha snorted and slid a few steps away in the opposite direction. Was he really saying that now?
“No.”
“You said you were cold.”
“I’m not cold anymore.”
“I’m cold.”
“What’s cold.”
He was wearing a hoodie that didn’t seem very thick, so he looked a little cold, but Eun-ha coldly dismissed it. He looked forward as if to block out his attention. Then Yeon-jun muttered beside him, sounding quite pitiful.
“I’m so cold…”
Oh, geez. What am I supposed to do? He turned his head to the side again, and Yeon-jun said in a clear voice as if to specify.
“We’re not anything. Holding hands is the most.”
Yeon-jun, who was leaning his elbow on the railing again, leaned his upper body loosely and turned his body in the direction facing Eun-ha. His shoulders lightly touched, and he tilted his upper body and head a little more, further narrowing the gap between them. His eyes were intent.
“Then, so that we can become something… how about Hyung liking me a little?”
It was a murmur as if he was complaining.
“You have nothing to lose.”
He tapped Eun-ha’s finger next to him with his finger on the railing. It was a gesture as if he was impatient. These days, he sometimes revealed his inner feelings like this, as if it was hard to bear. Oh, dear… Eun-ha twisted his lips dryly.
“What did you hear me say last time? Dating itself is nothing but a loss.”
Why wouldn’t there be anything to lose? The end of a relationship was a breakup. The person who was the closest and most intimate until yesterday suddenly becomes a stranger.
All that filled the empty space was bad feelings and countless memories. Even if the person who was the source of all that disappeared, the things engraved in memory did not disappear. Even if they faded and were buried over time, they did not become non-existent. This was because memories were not necessarily left only in the form of scenes existing in the head. For example, created personalities or habits. Familiar sensations left on the body and newly acquired perspectives. Things that had been dyed. Things that had become the form of ‘people’.
For example, it was like leaving traces on a very large drawing paper. Ink is time. So once you draw it, you can’t erase it or fix it.
You can add layers on top, but all you’re doing is making the failed area bigger.
The drawing paper is, as the saying goes, very large, and if you focus on the clean surface that hasn’t been painted yet, the poorly drawn parts fade out of sight. Sometimes they completely disappear from view.
But that doesn’t mean they disappear. It could not be undone in any way. It’s just, that’s how you live. Trying to focus on the parts that haven’t been painted yet. Pretending not to see some of your failures.
Something that can’t be erased and has no value. That’s all a loss and a waste. There may be people who have love in the form of learning and growing. But at least Eun-ha wasn’t. Eun-ha’s drawing paper was stained black in places with countless traces left by one person. The form of trying to erase it again and again, rubbing it until holes were punched through it like a rag.
“How many years did you date that person?”
Suddenly, an insensitive voice was heard. It was the first time Yeon-jun had asked about Kim Ji-woon. Eun-ha glanced at him and answered honestly. He would leave the judgment to Yeon-jun as well. It was nothing to be shy about.
“Five years.”
They started dating in the summer of twenty and ended in the summer of twenty-five. How would he react? A little curious, Eun-ha glanced to the side and was able to witness a rather strange sight. His profile, with a face that seemed to be lost in thought, his gaze fixed on some distant lake, was gradually turning reddish. Areas such as the nape of his neck, earlobes, and cheeks.
“…Why are you turning red?”
“…Turning red, Hyung.”
“It’s happening in seconds right now.”
“You must have seen it wrong. I’m not that kind of person.”
Yeon-jun subtly turned his head in the opposite direction. Eun-ha laughed in disbelief as if he had heard the strangest sound in the world. Not that kind of person?
“Ha… Are you serious, Yeon-jun? Then what is this right now?”
“Ah, stop it. Don’t look, Hyung.”
“You’re saying ridiculous things. What is this right now? I’ve never seen anyone blush as well as you in my life.”
“Don’t tease me, Hyung, ah, really…”
Eun-ha followed Yeon-jun, who was turning his body this way and that to avoid showing his face, and continued to question him about his reddened skin until the end. Their squabble was brought to an end when Eun-ha narrowed his eyes as if he was letting it go and put his arm on the railing again.