By Zephyria 
After that day, Do-kwon, who used to appear early in the morning, began showing up shortly after lunchtime. Of course, that time was still much earlier than Eun-soo had expected.
I mean, hadn’t he told him to work, sleep, and eat before coming? How on earth did he finish his work and arrive by that time? He began to suspect Do-kwon might be starting work at 4 AM. He didn’t know for sure, but he figured the employees under him must be suffering terribly.
After that, things flowed as they had before. Eun-soo spent his time at the gallery, and Do-kwon ‘legitimately’ spied on him from the opposite alley. Eun-soo tried not to acknowledge his presence, and when leaving work, he disappeared without giving Do-kwon a single glance.
Without realizing it, Eun-soo began to adapt to Do-kwon’s vague presence.
Today, as usual, Eun-soo was reading a book at the gallery when he suddenly looked up. He heard the sound of small droplets tapping against the window.
A thin drizzle was falling. At first, it was so thin it was almost blurry, but soon it grew thicker. Heavy streaks of rain began to lash down violently.
“……It’s raining.”
Eun-soo murmured in a hollow voice. He pressed his lips together. It was an expression of predicament.
Winter weather is always gloomy. That’s why, even after seeing the overcast sky, Eun-soo hadn’t thought to bring an umbrella. Part of it was because the gallery and his home were only a 10-minute walk apart, so he didn’t feel the need. Moreover, it was the cold of winter. He thought it would snow if anything, not that a torrential downpour would occur.
Eun-soo glanced at the clock on his phone. It was almost time to leave work.
“Hmm….”
He didn’t want to get rained on. Walking for 10 minutes in this rain would leave him soaking wet. Winter rain would be freezing, and since his physical condition wasn’t great, he might catch a severe cold. The convenience store where he could buy an umbrella was relatively close, but even that was across the street.
Closing the book he was reading, Eun-soo searched the gallery storage room just in case. However, an umbrella wasn’t going to suddenly pop into existence when there hadn’t been one when he organized the storage this morning.
Eun-soo let out a groan.
Should he wait until the rain let up a bit? Or should he just run home blindly? Or should he stop by the convenience store?
Eun-soo agonized over his decision repeatedly as he tidied up the gallery and layered on his coat. After wrapping a thick scarf tightly around his neck, he let out a deep sigh while looking outside.
It’ll be cold. Even colder if I get hit by the rain. Ah, I hate the cold. I hate being sick with a cold, too. I’m sick and tired of hospitals and medicine. If I ever have to go back to a hospital, I’d rather just hang myself; it would be easier.
After turning off the gallery lights, Eun-soo stared blankly up at the dark sky. A large shadow was pacing in front of the gallery.
It was Do-kwon.
“…….”
Eun-soo’s eyebrows shot up at the appearance of an unexpected person. It made sense, as this was the first time Do-kwon had shown his face since they had spoken a few weeks ago.
Do-kwon had strictly observed the line he had drawn.
He didn’t appear before Eun-soo, he didn’t strike up conversations, and he worked, ate, and slept exactly as Eun-soo had instructed. Seeing as there had been no contact from Myeong-hui, it seemed he was doing well. Thus, this sudden appearance was entirely unexpected.
Do-kwon didn’t enter the gallery. He simply stood blankly in front of it, waiting for Eun-soo’s permission.
Eun-soo gnawed on his lower lip. Then, he peeked halfway out of the gallery. There was a narrow canopy attached to the front, so if he stood to the side, he could avoid the rain. The muffled sound of the rain suddenly hammered harshly against his ears. The outdoor chill instantly cooled his face.
“Why are you here?”
Eun-soo asked in a voice thick with wariness. In response, Do-kwon abruptly thrust forward the umbrella he was holding.
“I thought… you might not have an umbrella. Take this and go.”
“…….”
Eun-soo looked at the umbrella Do-kwon held out. The black long umbrella with its sturdy frame looked perfect for cutting through this heavy rain to get home. With that, he wouldn’t have to shiver in the rain or catch a cold.
But the problem was… there was only one umbrella.
“What about yours?”
Eun-soo asked. If he took this, what would happen to Do-kwon? Would he get rained on instead? At that question, Do-kwon flinched.
“Oh, ah… I’m fine. My car is right over there.”
Do-kwon pointed to his car across the crosswalk. Eun-soo’s brow furrowed slightly. He’d get quite wet just getting over there. And then he’d have to return to Seoul soaked. No matter how high he turned the heater, it would take a while for wet clothes to dry.
Eun-soo pondered for a moment. Should he accept Do-kwon’s kindness or not? What about the man left alone? He said he was fine, so should he just ignore it? Should he just take the umbrella and leave him behind? He’s a bad person, so what does it matter if he gets a bit of rain?
…Still, he is an employee. What if he catches a cold? Above all, he felt it would leave a bad taste in his mouth if the man got sick because of him.
Eun-soo let out a long sigh through his nose.
“…Wait here. I’ll bring an umbrella from home. I’ll be right back.”
About twenty minutes. If he walked fast, he could be back in fifteen. Eun-soo narrowed his eyes, gauging the distance. As he reached for Do-kwon’s umbrella, Do-kwon subtly pulled it back.
“Then… should I just walk you home?”
“…What?”
“It’s a hassle to come all the way back here. You must be tired from working all day, so if I walk you, you won’t have to come out again… You could take my car, or, or it would be better if we walked together…”
“…….”
Eun-soo blinked rapidly. He was processing Do-kwon’s words. They weren’t particularly difficult words, but he kept repeating them in his head. Walk him home? Do-kwon? To his house?
Eun-soo let out a hollow laugh. Then, he withdrew the hand he had extended toward the umbrella.
“I’ll just take a taxi. That would be the most convenient.”
Right. There was that option. His house was so close that he hadn’t thought of it. Eun-soo stepped completely out of the gallery. Locking the door with a practiced hand, he scanned the road. He looked ready to dive into the first taxi that appeared.
At this, Do-kwon’s face was filled with a mixture of disappointment and awkwardness. He shouldn’t have been greedy… Eun-soo’s hatred, or an accident…
“No, no. I’ll wait here.”
Do-kwon corrected himself, trying somehow to salvage the strained atmosphere. But Eun-soo was cold.
“Forget it.”
As if he no longer wanted to be in the same place as Do-kwon, he tried to step into the rain. Taxi or not, it seemed he simply wanted to avoid Do-kwon for now.
Startled, Do-kwon quickly held the umbrella over Eun-soo’s head. Then, he carefully took Eun-soo’s hand and placed the handle of the umbrella in it.
“Eun-soo, I’m sorry. I was too greedy.”
“…….”
“I’ll wait here. You can take your time. If you’re tired, get some rest before coming back. I can wait as long as it takes.”
The words, spoken clearly and deliberately, were filled with sincerity. After finishing, Do-kwon took a large step back and stood under the canopy.
“…….”
Eun-soo stared at him without a word. Do-kwon gave a bright smile and waved his hand, telling him to go on. Eun-soo reluctantly turned his back. And he began to walk through the rain, step by splashing step.
It was cold.
A chilly wind pushed the rain sideways, soaking his legs and the backs of his hands. The umbrella, large enough for two adult men, was needlessly heavy. It felt as if he were carrying a dumbbell. Moreover, the resistance every time the wind blew was so immense that his wrist wavered.
Finding it difficult to hold with his right hand, where the scars were located, he switched the umbrella to his left hand. As he did, his left hand grew ice-cold. Eun-soo looked down at his hand, which had turned red from the freeze in an instant.
It’s cold. The weather is truly brutal. And yet Do-kwon says he’ll stand outside in this weather.
Eun-soo glanced back. He saw Do-kwon standing there, looking at him. Did he know he was being watched? He was even smiling… He looked so pathetic and miserable.
“…….”
Eun-soo bit his lower lip hard. Ah, he shouldn’t have taken the umbrella. He shouldn’t have accepted his kindness. He should have just calmly refused. Eun-soo stomped his heel hard against the ground. Muddy water soaked the hem of his pants.
“Ah… aaa… seriously… so annoying…”
Eun-soo squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them. The cold, damp hem of his pants felt like his own heart. Why on earth did he have to feel uncomfortable? Why was he pitying Do-kwon? Why couldn’t he just be a bad person? Even if Do-kwon froze to death right there, he should have been cackling that he deserved it. Why was he thinking like this?
It was utterly frustrating. Everything was a mess. Do-kwon, acting like a half-wit; himself, unable to easily turn his back while pitying such a man; and the sky pouring down heavy rain—everything was a mess.
Eun-soo watched the rain streaming down the tip of the umbrella. Then, the moment a minty, sharp wind brushed past his body, he turned around and strode back toward Do-kwon.
Startled, Do-kwon’s eyes widened.
“Why…?”
“The umbrella is too heavy.”
“…Huh?”
“Hold it for me.”
Do-kwon blinked with a foolish expression. Then, after a few seconds, his entire face crinkled into a smile.
“Yeah. I’ll hold it.”
The two walked together through the rain, step by splashing step. Eun-soo stared stubbornly straight ahead, while Do-kwon stole glances at Eun-soo standing close by. How long had it been since he’d seen Eun-soo this close? He simply couldn’t take his eyes off him.
Eventually, he stopped looking ahead entirely and kept his gaze fixed on Eun-soo. Consequently, he kept drifting closer to Eun-soo’s side like a magnet. Because it was a large umbrella, their shoulders hadn’t been touching, but before they knew it, Eun-soo’s shoulder and Do-kwon’s forearm were brushing against each other.
Feeling this, Eun-soo frowned.
“Stop… sticking to me.”
“Oh, ah, sorry.”
Do-kwon quickly pulled away. He moved far enough from Eun-soo that one of his shoulders was completely outside the umbrella. Eun-soo let out a faint sigh.
“I didn’t mean for you to go that far…”
“Okay.”
Do-kwon gave a playful smile and stepped back to Eun-soo’s side, maintaining a distance just enough so their shoulders wouldn’t touch.
After a brief hesitation, the two began walking again. A cold wind blocked their path harshly, but it wasn’t particularly threatening. Both Do-kwon and Eun-soo were so preoccupied with other things that they couldn’t tell if what was pouring over their heads was rain, snow, or balls of fire.
After walking for about three minutes, Do-kwon, who was still stealing glances at Eun-soo, murmured as if talking to himself.
“I wish it would rain tomorrow, too.”
“Then I’ll just bring my own umbrella.”
Eun-soo replied in a flat tone.
“Ah…”
Do-kwon’s lips parted slightly. Eun-soo shook his head. He wondered if Do-kwon had become an idiot as a side effect of regaining his memories. The future of the Seong-jin Group looked bleak.
“Then it’s better if it doesn’t rain. I can’t see you well when it rains.”
“…….”
Eun-soo didn’t answer. Then buy a telescope, he wanted to sneer, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it, fearing Do-kwon would actually buy a telescope worth tens of millions of won to spy on him.
Due to Eun-soo’s silence, the conversation didn’t last long and cut off. Eun-soo kept his mouth shut and moved his legs busily. Five minutes to home. Five minutes left. He wanted to get home quickly. To be precise, it would be more accurate to say he wanted to get away from Do-kwon quickly.
He was uncomfortable. His presence and the awkwardly fragmented conversation were uncomfortable, but the most uncomfortable thing was, naturally, his pheromone scent. To avoid inhaling that scent, he breathed in and out in shallow sips, which made him feel dizzy.
Fast, fast, thinking only that, he turned a corner and a restaurant caught his eye. It was a galbi place he passed every day on his commute. The exterior was a hanok, and the large parking lot was always full, marking it as a undoubtedly famous meat restaurant.
Every time he passed by, the sweet and savory smell of grilling galbi wafted out, and he had swallowed hard more than a few times. However, he had never dared to try going in alone, as he felt too self-conscious.
He had thought that one day, on a day when there seemed to be few customers, he would go; since he could easily polish off four servings by himself, maybe he wouldn’t have to worry about others’ eyes, but it was hard to actually step inside.
But why did that shop suddenly catch his eye? Because he’d had a sandwich for lunch? Or because the damp humidity made the smell of the meat restaurant feel more intense? Or perhaps, because there was someone beside him with whom he could eat?
As Eun-soo gnawed on his lower lip instead of meat, Do-kwon, who couldn’t possibly miss Eun-soo’s gaze, quickly spoke up. The gap he had been waiting for, the opportunity, had appeared. He had to pounce on it and seize it.
“Eun-soo. Are you hungry?”
“…No.”
“Want some meat? I’ll buy.”
“…….”
Eun-soo answered with silence. He tried to pass the shop with an expressionless face, but Do-kwon lightly pulled his elbow to stop him.
“Let’s go. They sell naengmyeon, too. You like galbi and naengmyeon.”
“…I’m fine.”
“Oh, oh, I think they have kalguksu, too. It’s cold outside, so a warm broth would be good. Eat both naengmyeon and kalguksu.”
It was persistent persuasion. Eun-soo’s eyes rolled toward the shop. On the panel set up in front of the store, as Do-kwon said, there were photos of naengmyeon and kalguksu. He also saw bibim-myeon. Bibim-myeon mixed with plenty of sesame oil, topped with galbi, would be truly delicious.
“…….”
Eun-soo unconsciously licked his lips. Startled by his own reaction, he gasped, and Do-kwon pulled his elbow again.
“You can just eat quickly. It won’t even take an hour.”
“…….”
An hour. An hour with Do-kwon.
…Maybe that much would be okay. If he focused on eating, it wouldn’t matter if the person sitting in front of him was Do-kwon or some stranger.
Hesitation flickered across Eun-soo’s cheekbones. Seeing this, Do-kwon quickly led Eun-soo into the shop. Eun-soo reluctantly followed.
The galbi restaurant was much larger inside than it looked from the outside. Like a traditional Korean restaurant, it had a large central hall and various rooms of different sizes, allowing for a quiet meal. Do-kwon and Eun-soo entered the room they were guided to and took their seats.
Since he was already here, Eun-soo decided to eat everything he wanted and ordered the entire menu. Do-kwon simply nodded along with whatever Eun-soo ordered.
Soon, the marinated meat arrived. The galbi, neatly scored diagonally, sizzled as it cooked on the grill. Smelling the sweet scent of meat right under his nose, which he had only smelled from outside, felt strangely moving.
Eun-soo stared intently at the galbi turning brown. He didn’t forget to smack his lips occasionally. Seeing this, Do-kwon bit his lip. If he didn’t, he felt he would laugh and earn a glare from Eun-soo.
“Eat this first.”
Do-kwon neatly cut the yukjeon that had come out first and placed it in front of Eun-soo. Eun-soo looked at Do-kwon with aloof eyes before picking up his chopsticks. He then popped a piece of the tenderly fried yukjeon into his mouth and chewed. Even then, he didn’t take his eyes off the cooking galbi.
Finally, the galbi was fully cooked. Do-kwon cut the meat into bite-sized pieces and placed them in front of Eun-soo. Eun-soo quickly put them in his mouth.
The flavor of the marinade filling his mouth and the thick meat were incredibly delicious. Happiness filled Eun-soo’s cheeks. Seeing that from across the table, happiness also seeped into Do-kwon’s cheekbones.
Since the meal he had shared with him at
Eun-soo finished one serving in a single breath. Do-kwon, accustomed to this side of Eun-soo, quickly cut more meat and offered it to him. As the meal continued, Eun-soo suddenly looked at the corner of the table. To be precise, he looked at a liquor pamphlet standing on one side of the table.
Do-kwon could easily gauge his thoughts. It made sense, as Eun-soo loved alcohol. Before the pregnancy… he always paired delicious food with alcohol. Sometimes he’d just have one or two light drinks, and sometimes he’d drink until he was wasted.
“Eun-soo. Do you want… some alcohol?”
“…….”
“Soju? Or beer? They have bokbunja, too.”
Do-kwon asked while looking at the pamphlet. Eun-soo let out a low groan, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Then, he glanced at Do-kwon once, looked at the sizzling meat once, and then tapped a photo with his fingertip. It was a distilled soju in a thick, heavy bottle.
Do-kwon grinned and pressed the call button. He was happy that Eun-soo was drinking. It meant this meal would last a little longer. For Do-kwon, it was a most welcome order.
Soon, a server appeared and asked if they needed anything. Do-kwon pointed to the photo of the alcohol Eun-soo had indicated and said,
“One of this liquor, please.”
“…And bibim-myeon, too.”
Eun-soo added softly while bringing a piece of galbi to his mouth. Do-kwon couldn’t help but let out a laugh that sounded like a cough. He was nearly fainting because Eun-soo looked so lovely while eating.
“Yes. I’ll get that ready for you.”
As the server bowed and was about to leave, Do-kwon quickly called them back.
“And by any chance, do you have wooden chopsticks?”
“Wooden chopsticks? Uh… I think we do. I’ll bring some.”
Tilted their head at the unusual request, the server left the room for a moment and returned quickly. Two wooden chopsticks were placed in front of Do-kwon. Do-kwon peeled off the paper wrapping and personally snapped them in two, handing them to Eun-soo.
“The chopsticks… looked heavy.”
Eun-soo had put a piece of food in his mouth and set the chopsticks down, then put another piece in and set them down again. Seeing this, Do-kwon had ordered the wooden ones.
“…….”
Eun-soo stared silently at the wooden chopsticks.
As he said, the chopsticks were heavy. Since they were the heavy metal chopsticks characteristic of Korean cuisine, it was burdensome to keep holding and moving them.
In truth, he could easily lift the weight of the chopsticks, but controlling them with his fingers was difficult. Especially these particularly heavy metal ones. There had been a few times he ignored it, only for his fingers to cramp.
It was all because of the scars on his wrist. Because the muscles, nerves, and tendons had all been injured, there were many frustrating situations.
But he hadn’t thought of eating with wooden chopsticks, like an idiot. It was because it was a recent deficiency, so he hadn’t thought deeply about it. Meals that required such diligent movement of chopsticks were also rare.
Eun-soo tried moving the chopsticks. They were much lighter and easier to handle compared to the heavy metal ones.
Staring at the chopsticks for a moment, Eun-soo resumed his meal.
One fairly large bottle of liquor was completely emptied. The second bottle was also on the verge of running dry. Eun-soo poured the remaining alcohol into his glass. Then, without hesitation, he downed it in one go.
“Ugh…”
The bitter, strong liquor made his throat tighten instinctively. Feeling the alcohol scent sharply wetting his throat, Eun-soo began scooping up rice mixed with soybean paste stew. He ate with great relish, topping it with a piece of galbi and kimchi.
“Is it good?”
Do-kwon, who had swallowed his drink following Eun-soo’s lead, asked casually. Eun-soo responded with a vague nod. With flushed cheeks, red lips, and languidly drooping eyelids, it seemed the alcohol had hit him quite hard.
Watching him with an affectionate gaze, Do-kwon asked again.
“Do you want more drinks?”
At those words, Eun-soo blinked slowly. Then, he nodded again. With his affirmation, the meal stretched on. Unable to hide his joy, Do-kwon beamed and ordered another bottle.
Eun-soo was generally a good drinker. Even so, today was an overindulgence. He had emptied two bottles of a distilled spirit with a higher alcohol content than soju. Do-kwon thought he should buy him a hangover cure on the way home.
As Do-kwon flipped through the menu, wondering what would be a good next side dish for Eun-soo, Eun-soo set his spoon down with a sharp clack. Do-kwon quickly looked at him. Unlike before, Eun-soo was staring at Do-kwon with a stiff expression.
“Mr. Do-kwon.”
“Yeah?”
“There’s something I want to ask.”
“…Uh, yeah. What is it?”
Do-kwon’s thick Adam’s apple bobbed up and down significantly. Setting the menu aside, he straightened his back and sat up properly. He was nervous. This was the first time Eun-soo had initiated conversation during the long meal. Moreover, to say he had something to ask… Do-kwon feared it might be a scolding disguised as a question.
As Do-kwon stared at Eun-soo, he noticed Eun-soo’s gaze was strangely off-center. He was looking at Do-kwon, but his eyes weren’t fixed entirely on Do-kwon’s face.
“What’s that ring?”
“…”
“I’ve never seen it before.”
Eun-soo gestured with his chin toward the ring on the fourth finger of Do-kwon’s left hand. Throughout the time Do-kwon had been grilling the galbi, the glimmer moving back and forth in front of him had been so distracting. He had wanted to ask. He had wanted to demand if Do-kwon had found someone else. But he hadn’t dared to ask, feeling too pathetic and foolish for caring about such a thing.
However, the alcohol had warmed him up. It just so happened that his eyes met the ring on Do-kwon’s hand as he held the menu, so he asked.
“Ah… this…”
Do-kwon looked at his own fourth finger. Then he looked back at Eun-soo, and then at the ring again. After hesitating for a moment, he honestly confessed the truth.
“Do you remember what I said back when we had the car accident?”
“What did you say?”
“That we… should get married.”
“…”
Eun-soo’s lips pressed firmly shut. Marriage. Right. Do-kwon had suddenly said that in the car on their way to the OB-GYN.
‘Eun-soo. Should we… get married?’
‘…What?’
‘You’re pregnant, and we’re at that age… no, you’re young, but I’m already thirty-four. Uh… actually, that’s not the important part, but, uh, yeah, I thought it might be better to get married quickly before your body becomes uncomfortable.’
That was it. They had exchanged those words. As Eun-soo narrowed his eyes, recalling the moment, Do-kwon added an explanation.
“I had ordered a ring back then to propose to you. But after the accident, I couldn’t find it, and then… I found it later.”
“So that’s why you wear it on only one hand?”
“Yeah.”
“What about the other one?”
“That one… is at home.”
“What, are you planning to put it on me or something?”
Eun-soo sneered. He opened the cap of the newly arrived bottle and filled his glass to the brim. Watching him, Do-kwon gently stroked his ring.
“Eun-soo. I’m not greedy enough for that. I’m happy just watching you from a distance like this for the rest of my life.”
“…”
“The ring is just… like a chain. Looking at this, I atone for the cruel things I did to you, and the reason why Bomi… isn’t here.”
At those words, Eun-soo, who was just about to bring the drink to his lips, paused. Then, he swallowed the alcohol in one gulp. Setting the glass down, he rubbed his face vigorously with both hands.
Hearing the name Bomi from Do-kwon’s mouth brought a strange surge of emotion. He thought that Do-kwon hadn’t forgotten Bomi. He felt that, of course, he should have. He also found it ridiculous that he was atoning by simply looking at a ring, yet he felt that at least Do-kwon was blaming himself.
A flood of thoughts and emotions overwhelmed Eun-soo.
After a brief silence, Eun-soo shook off his reverie. What was there to gain by discussing Bomi here, atop this cluttered table? The only thing that would change was that his depression would deepen.
Eun-soo poured more alcohol into his empty glass.
“You say you’re not greedy?”
“Huh? Uh…”
“And here you were, saying you wanted to hold me and touch me.”
Not greedy, my foot… At the gentle reproach, Do-kwon’s cheeks flared red. The sight was somehow funny, and Eun-soo’s lips curled into a smirk.
Do-kwon’s flushed face didn’t calm down easily, and Eun-soo continued to tilt his glass, using Do-kwon’s reaction as his side dish.
The two didn’t leave the galbi restaurant until late at night. Because a heavily intoxicated Eun-soo shouted for ice cream, they ate ice cream, and since they stopped by a convenience store, Do-kwon fed him a hangover cure. By then, he should have sobered up, but somehow, Eun-soo only became more drunk.
Eventually, he found it difficult even to walk, so Do-kwon practically had to carry him. Thus, they painstakingly arrived in front of Eun-soo’s house.
He lived in a newly built villa. It seemed he occupied the entire top floor. Do-kwon had already figured out his address through various cruel means; if he hadn’t, today would have resulted in a very awkward situation.
For example… being forced to take him to a hotel, or, since that seemed wrong, taking him to his own home. Such awkward yet welcome situations.
Do-kwon carefully sat Eun-soo down in front of the villa’s main entrance. Eun-soo slid sideways. Do-kwon quickly cupped his face to prevent his head from colliding with the wall.
“…”
Squatting in front of Eun-soo, Do-kwon gazed at him quietly. Under the orange glow of the streetlamp, Eun-soo looked different and fresh. Long shadows seeped beneath his lightly closed eyelashes and cast a veil over his plump lips.
“Eun-soo.”
“…”
“Eun-soo. Wake up. Please?”
Do-kwon coaxed him in a soft voice.
“Ugh…”
However, Eun-soo only tilted his head, never opening his eyes. With a troubled expression, Do-kwon adjusted the scarf he had wrapped around Eun-soo’s neck. It was cold outside. He needed to get inside quickly. It would be a disaster if he caught a cold. Do-kwon grew anxious.
“Eun-soo. You have to go home.”
“Mm…”
“If you’re like this… I’ll have no choice but to go inside with you…”
“…”
“I’ll go in and help you brush your teeth, give you water, lay you in bed, and things like that. Is that okay?”
Do-kwon whispered in a low voice. To an outsider, it would have sounded as if he were lulling Eun-soo into a deeper sleep. That was how serene his voice was. It was because he desperately hoped Eun-soo wouldn’t wake up.
Despite spending more time with him today than he deserved, it wasn’t enough; his greed continued to swell within him. He didn’t want to end the opportunity brought by the sudden rain like this. He wanted to take advantage of the moment Eun-soo had lost consciousness to spy on where he lived and how he looked while sleeping.
Do-kwon gently brushed back Eun-soo’s disheveled hair.
“Eun-soo. Can I take you inside?”
“…”
“Would it be… okay if I put you to sleep before I leave?”
Despite Do-kwon’s persistent questioning, Eun-soo did not answer. With his head lolling, he only made steady, rhythmic breathing sounds. The corners of Do-kwon’s mouth twitched with a wicked thought.
After a moment’s hesitation, he gripped Eun-soo under the armpits and around the waist. Then, he lightly hoisted him up. Holding the rain-soaked umbrella haphazardly, he strode toward the elevator.
As expected, Eun-soo’s house smelled of Eun-soo. Do-kwon stepped inside, inhaling the clusters of Eun-soo’s scent throughout the space. Unlike the exterior of the ordinary villa, the interior was quite luxurious. The decor was clean, and the living room was spacious, as if two units had been merged. In short, it was obvious that Myeong-hui had put care into it.
Do-kwon first laid Eun-soo on the sofa. Then, he scanned the house to grasp the layout. After confirming the locations of the bedroom, bathroom, and dressing room, he returned to Eun-soo. In his heart, he wanted to linger and examine every single space Eun-soo occupied, but for now, putting Eun-soo to sleep comfortably was the priority.
Do-kwon poured warm water and brought it to Eun-soo. He gently stroked Eun-soo’s back to soothe him.
“Eun-soo. Let’s drink some water. Water.”
At those words, Eun-soo opened his eyes blearily. Do-kwon had brought the water because he saw him smacking his dry lips, and as expected, he seemed thirsty.
Gently tilting Eun-soo’s head back, Do-kwon pressed the glass of water to his lower lip. Eun-soo swallowed the water in gulps. After emptying half the glass, he began to slide sideways again. Quickly setting the glass on the floor, Do-kwon gently stroked Eun-soo’s cheek.
“Let’s just brush your teeth and go to sleep.”
“Uuung…”
“Just brushing your teeth.”
Do-kwon spoke firmly as he picked Eun-soo up and headed for the bathroom.
Brushing his teeth was a struggle. When he said, “Eun-soo, open your mouth. Ah-,” Eun-soo managed to understand and open it, but his head kept flopping this way and that, making it difficult.
Still, by the time he rinsed his mouth, he had managed to regain some consciousness and walked to the bedroom on his own two feet. Of course, he was staggering and sweeping the hallway walls with his hands, so Do-kwon had to support him, but regardless.
After laying Eun-soo in bed, Do-kwon let out a long sigh to commemorate the successful completion of the long journey. However, it wasn’t over yet. Licking his dry lips, Do-kwon removed Eun-soo’s coat. He started to remove the knit sweater but paused.
“…”
He felt that Eun-soo wouldn’t like him touching him this far. Since it wasn’t a buttoned garment, it didn’t seem like it would be particularly uncomfortable. Do-kwon lowered his hand. He carefully unbuckled the pants but didn’t touch anything further. After taking off the socks, he pulled a thick duvet over Eun-soo.
Do-kwon stared at Eun-soo quietly.
He didn’t know how long it had been since he last saw Eun-soo asleep. The last time he saw him, his eyes were closed too… but it was completely different from now.
Do-kwon stood there blankly, observing Eun-soo for a long time. Then, coming to his senses, he dimmed the lights. Afterward, he took Eun-soo’s clothes into the dressing room and tidied them up. He cleared the glass of water Eun-soo had left in the living room and turned off the bathroom light he had forgotten.
Then, fearing Eun-soo might feel thirsty, he returned to the bedroom with another glass of water. Now, he could observe Eun-soo in peace.
With a wide smile, Do-kwon entered the bedroom, but—
“Uh… Eun-soo. Are you… awake?”
Eun-soo was staring at a corner of the bedroom with his eyes open. His eyes were bloodshot; it was hard to tell if he had woken up or if he had simply opened his eyes momentarily as part of a sleeping habit.
Flustered, Do-kwon stepped forward and then stepped back. The water in his hand sloshed violently, as if depicting Do-kwon’s inner turmoil.
The first emotion he felt upon facing the awake Eun-soo was disappointment and regret. He could no longer observe the sleeping Eun-soo. He had to exit his space now.
It was a shame. Opportunities like this didn’t come easily. He didn’t know how Eun-soo might change starting tomorrow. There was a high probability that Eun-soo would regret the time spent with him and become even more cold.
But it couldn’t be helped. Regardless of anything, it was right not to do things Eun-soo disliked.
Do-kwon placed the water on the nightstand. He also put a cover over it to keep dust out. Then, looking at Eun-soo’s hazy eyes, he spoke clearly.
“I’ll leave the water here, so drink it if you’re thirsty.”
“…”
“I’ll… be going now.”
“…”
“Sleep well, Eun-soo. See you tomorrow.”
Do-kwon forced a relaxed act and smiled brightly. As he headed for the door—
“Mr. Do-kwon.”
Eun-soo called out to stop him. Do-kwon’s shoulders flinched. He hadn’t done anything wrong today, yet his heart sank. He wondered if Eun-soo had seen through his lewd imaginations. After catching his breath for a moment, Do-kwon slowly turned around.
“Yeah?”
“There’s something else I’m curious about.”
Eun-soo’s hoarsely locked voice reached him faintly. Do-kwon blinked rapidly a couple of times. Then, he quickly returned to the bed. He was fine with as many questions as Eun-soo had.
“Yeah. What is it?”
Unable to hide his rising smile, Do-kwon asked. He hoped Eun-soo would ask a very difficult question. Any other question was welcome. He was hoping that if he answered with utmost sincerity and stretched the response as long as possible, he could stay in this space for another five, no, ten minutes.
However,
“Was it really because of the Executive Director… that you approached me?”
“…Huh?”
The unexpected question struck Do-kwon between the brows. For a moment, he felt a pressure as if someone were gripping his windpipe tightly. While Do-kwon could only twitch his jaw, unable to answer, Eun-soo stared at him with coldly chilled eyes.
“When you were coming and going from the 14th floor. Did you think of the Executive Director while looking at me? The thought that you could get revenge on him? The thought that you could finally screw that man over… that kind of thought?”
“…”
“Is that why you were nice to me, and treated me kindly?”
“Eun-soo, that’s…”
“But you did love me, right? Or was that a lie too? Even now, even now… is it just because I’m pitiful? Because it’s something you caused? Because you have to clean up the spilled water… is that why you… keep coming to see me?”
The end of Eun-soo’s clearly articulated words began to tremble. Do-kwon snapped back to his senses. He grabbed Eun-soo’s hand over the duvet. Then, meeting Eun-soo’s eyes directly, he confessed with absolute sincerity, with all his heart.
“Eun-soo. My feelings for you have never been a lie for a single moment. I love you. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you in the future.”
“But why…”
“The beginning, the beginning was a lie. It’s true that I approached you with a pathetic sense of revenge. But that was literally only at the start. Even before you first came up to the executive office, I already loved you.”
“…”
“The first day I went to the 14th floor. I could tell who you were at a glance. Just as Seo Seong-heon said, you were sparkling.”
Do-kwon let out a faint smile as he recalled the time. When he had scanned the vast 14th floor, he had found Eun-soo instantly. He was sitting by the window where the sunlight fell warmly, and his slender hair sparkled in the light. His white skin also shimmered like well-glazed porcelain.
He had been looking at the monitor with a serious expression, only lifting his head late after noticing the whispering presence of the employees. And for a moment, his eyes met Do-kwon’s.
In that moment, Do-kwon experienced the magic of time slowing down. The surrounding noise vanished, the faces of the team leaders who were smiling and circling him to get in his good graces blurred, the partitions and desks evaporated, and it was a magic where only Eun-soo remained under the golden sunlight.
“When I first saw you, I thought you were a person who shone to an amazing degree. The second time, I thought you were beautiful, and the third time, I approached you because I was curious about your scent. The fourth time, I spoke to you, and the fifth time, I thought I missed you even on the way to see you.”
“…”
“From the sixth time… Seo Seong-heon disappeared from the reason why I sought you out. It was just you, Eun-soo. The reason I met you, the reason I pestered you pathetically, it was all you. Because I wanted to be with you. Because I wanted to see you.”
“…”
“Sometimes I was even grateful to Seo Seong-heon. Because if it weren’t for that bastard, I wouldn’t have known you. I wouldn’t have been able to become your lover, and I wouldn’t have been able to share love with you. When Bomi… when Bomi was conceived, I wanted to go to Seo Seong-heon and sincerely thank him.”
The days spent with Eun-soo flashed rapidly through Do-kwon’s mind. Their love had always been happy, every moment felt too short, and all their time had sparkled brilliantly.
Slowly closing and then opening his eyes, Do-kwon readjusted his grip on Eun-soo’s hand. Then, he locked eyes with Eun-soo steadily.
“Eun-soo. Although the beginning was a lie, my feelings have never been a lie for a single moment.”
“…”
“When the car accident happened. I’ve never regretted unbuckling my seatbelt to hold you. If such a thing happened again, I would throw away my life a hundred, a thousand times to save you.”
Do-kwon spoke softly. His characteristic low voice drifted slowly through the deep night, enveloping Eun-soo. Like a soft duvet. At that, Eun-soo’s eyelids grew heavy and sank.
The heavy influence of alcohol, the late hour, Do-kwon’s softly flowing voice, and his pheromones—which had seeped into Eun-soo like a fog—left him in a hazy daze.
Do-kwon gently stroked Eun-soo’s hair. The fine strands slipping through his fingers were indescribably moving. He leaned in closer to Eun-soo and whispered.
“I don’t care if you hate me. That is my burden to bear.”
“…….”
“But, still. Still, Eun-soo. Don’t doubt that I loved you. Don’t mistake the time we spent together… as a lie. That would be too… sad for you.”
Do-kwon knew better than anyone how much Eun-soo had loved him in the past. The eyes that looked at him, the smile directed toward him, the voice that called his name—everything had been full of love.
That was why, regardless of how things were now, he hated the idea of the past being tarnished with a terrifying intensity. Because back then, they had loved each other so passionately that no one would dare belittle or mock it. Because there had been no falsehood in anything they did for one another.
Do-kwon gazed silently at the sleeping Eun-soo. He hoped Eun-soo had heard everything he said before falling asleep. He hoped it would remain in his memory even when morning came. He hoped that from tomorrow, Eun-soo could live with a heart that was even slightly lighter. He hoped Eun-soo wouldn’t be anxious, wouldn’t doubt the past, and would simply resent and hate him.
“Eun-soo.”
“…….”
“I love you.”
“…….”
“……Good night.”
Do-kwon pressed his lips firmly against the back of Eun-soo’s hand before pulling away. Then, he closed his eyes and prayed.
That Eun-soo would have sweet dreams.
That he would float through peaceful dreams, untouched by the darkness and sorrow of the past.
Because he would take all the nightmares upon himself.
Because he would devour all the sobbing and resentment.
That he would lose nothing and only be happy.
He prayed and prayed to God.
* * *
“…….”
Eun-soo suddenly woke up. Before he could even fully regain consciousness, he scrambled to find his phone. He felt around inside the blankets and fumbled under the pillow, but for some reason, he couldn’t find it. Groaning in irritation, Eun-soo bolted upright and looked around.
The phone was placed neatly on the nightstand. Along with a glass of clear water. Eun-soo quickly grabbed the glass. Lighting up the phone screen, he gulped down the entire glass in one go.
As his parched throat was washed cold, he snapped awake. Fortunately, it was still before the alarm was set to go off. Holding the phone, Eun-soo flopped back onto the bed.
He blinked slowly, retracing yesterday. It rained, Do-kwon appeared with an umbrella, they went to a restaurant on the way home, ate plenty of meat, and even drank alcohol. And then, he had become completely blackout drunk.
“Ugh…….”
Eun-soo ruffled his hair irritably. He should have stopped drinking. Of all people, he had drunk himself into oblivion right in front of Do-kwon……. He hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since being discharged from the hospital, and it had been a long time since he’d eaten delicious food to his heart’s content, so he had lost his self-control.
He had absolutely no memory of how he got home. He vaguely remembered Do-kwon’s back as he paid at the rib restaurant, but the journey home had evaporated. Still, he had fragmented memories from the moment he arrived.
Being sprawled out on the sofa, Do-kwon tending to him and making him brush his teeth, being supported by him as he lay down in bed, and……
‘Do-kwon. I have something else I’m curious about.’
Stopping Do-kwon just as he was leaving the bedroom. He even remembered what Do-kwon had answered. Strangely, that part alone came back to him vividly, without losing a single syllable.
Eun-soo stared blankly at the pale ceiling. He was quietly repeating the words Do-kwon had said. Even though he knew it wasn’t a dream, they were words that felt like a dream.
After recalling Do-kwon’s voice for a long while, Eun-soo slowly sat up. He stretched to loosen his stiff muscles and changed out of his crumpled clothes. Then, he took the empty glass and headed to the kitchen to drink more water.
He must have overdone it with the drinking yesterday. His throat felt so dry and tight that he felt he could drink an entire jug of water.
Eun-soo entered the kitchen, rubbing his eyelids vigorously. Then, upon seeing the table piled high with things, he recoiled as if he had encountered a ghost.
“What is all this…….”
Eun-soo stared at the table, his jaw dropping. There were so many things on the table that it looked as if someone were moving into his house. Keeping a wary distance, Eun-soo hesitantly approached the mysterious mountain of items.
He lightly touched a bag on the table. The bag crinkled. Eun-soo glared at the items for a long time. Then, just as his knees began to ache, he pulled out a chair and sat down.
Eun-soo began to seriously rummage through the things. He opened a nearby bag. There were strawberries. He saw bananas too. Pushing those aside, he opened another bag. It was filled with various types of hangover cures—drinks, pills, and syrups. Not only that, but there were painkillers, liver supplements, cold medicine for some unknown reason, and even vitamin jellies.
With a skeptical expression, Eun-soo opened one hangover cure and downed it. Then he reached for the next item. This time, it was a heavy paper bag. Inside was porridge. Abalone porridge. Octopus kimchi porridge. Even ginseng chicken porridge.
With an ambiguous expression, Eun-soo pushed the porridge bag away. As he pulled the next paper bag toward him, it was even heavier. Inside was bean sprout soup, and it was… still in the earthenware pot.
Horrified, Eun-soo pushed it away.
“He must be insane…….”
Shivering, Eun-soo gave the other bags a cursory glance. A box of macarons. Cheesecake. The ribs from the restaurant they visited yesterday were all clamoring to be eaten.
Eun-soo let out a hollow laugh. He wondered where on earth Do-kwon had found all this in the middle of the night. Was this kind of scale… a characteristic of the Seo family?
“When he’s like this, he’s exactly like the Chairman…….”
Eun-soo clicked his tongue. When Myeong-hui said he would send ‘a little’ food, he would send several boxes, ranging from 20kg bags of rice to desserts. Eun-soo shook his head and downed the last sip of the hangover cure.
As he stood up to throw away the empty bottle, a pink post-it note caught his eye between the bags. Eun-soo leaned in to read it. At first, he thought it was a note from the restaurant. You know, the kind that says, ‘Enjoy your meal. Please visit us again.’
However, it was a message left by Do-kwon.
[Eun-soo. I’m going to work.
I’ll eat and sleep, then come back.
See you later.]
Eun-soo read the few sentences over and over. Work, food, sleep. These were the things he had told him to do. Eun-soo let out a hollow laugh at the sight of Do-kwon acting as if he were checking off homework from a school notice.
Then, without touching the post-it, he turned around.
He just didn’t want to touch it. He was afraid that Do-kwon’s scent clinging to that post-it would rub off on his hands.
* * *
Today was the day to go to the hospital. He had to go to the psychiatric clinic Myeong-hui had connected him with for a consultation and pick up any medication he needed. It was a promise to Myeong-hui. To receive counseling faithfully once a month. It was a tedious task.
Actually, rather than tedious, it would be more accurate to say it was unsettling. Sitting in front of a counselor with a gentle expression, having his unstable state confirmed over and over, and eventually blabbing about it himself felt terrible.
He also hated listening to the accompanying precautions and things he had to be careful about. It felt like he was being threatened to live while acknowledging that he was in an incomplete state.
Eun-soo sighed about thirty times as he finished preparing for the hospital. As he stepped out of the house with his wallet and car keys, he suddenly wondered where Do-kwon was.
I’m not going to work today. What if he’s waiting for me in front of the gallery all day? Should I contact him or not?
No, what did it matter to him whether Do-kwon waited or not? If he wanted to wait, let him wait. If I don’t show up, he’ll just go home.
……With his personality, he probably wouldn’t just go home quietly. Now that he knows the home address, what if he comes here? He might even rip the door off the hinges and break in, thinking something happened to me.
Eun-soo let out a groan. He turned his phone on and off, acting restless. He hadn’t exchanged messages with Do-kwon since they met again. His contact wasn’t even saved. Still, he knew his number. There was no way he could forget it.
Eun-soo gnawed on his lower lip. He felt like an idiot for worrying about this, but he was so bothered that he felt like his brain was cramping.
Then, a bright idea struck him. Eun-soo quickly rushed out of the house.
Eun-soo drove in a wide circle and headed toward the gallery. His plan was to see Do-kwon’s car and, as if he had just happened to pass by, get out and tell him that he wasn’t working today, that he had personal business, and that he should go home.
Eun-soo’s car entered the road in front of the gallery. He peeked out to check the alley where Do-kwon’s car always stood. However.
“……He’s not here.”
Do-kwon was nowhere to be seen. The spot where the sleek sedan usually sat was empty. Eun-soo checked his watch. The time Do-kwon usually appeared had long since passed.
Did he leave because I wasn’t there? Well…… that’s a relief, but…… still, already? He didn’t even wait an hour? He just left?
Somehow, he felt disappointed. A faint sense of letdown and irritation came as a bonus. Eun-soo gripped the steering wheel tightly. The thought of himself driving in a circle in the opposite direction of the hospital, just in case Do-kwon would worry, was utterly loathsome.
Eun-soo yanked the steering wheel hard.
Today’s consultation was likely not going to go smoothly.
“Are you sleeping well?”
A soft voice asked after his well-being. Eun-soo, sitting half-reclined on a plush sofa, lowered his head and fidgeted with his fingers.
This kind of counseling. He had done it hundreds of times since his parents passed away. He still couldn’t get used to it. He felt a repulsion toward reporting every detail of his daily life and exposing his innermost thoughts, which he had never told anyone, to a stranger.
“Uh…… I lie down at the same time and wake up at the same time.”
Eun-soo answered slowly.
“That’s not the answer I’m looking for, Eun-soo.”
The counselor said with a smile. Her voice was soft, but for some reason, it felt powerful. It felt as if he would be severely scolded if he didn’t tell the truth. Eun-soo rubbed his eyelids vigorously and confessed.
“……I can’t sleep deeply. I sleep for an hour or two, then I’m awake for an hour, and so on.”
“You must be tired.”
“Not necessarily. I’ve adapted.”
“Hmm……. Do you still have dreams?”
At those words, Eun-soo bit his lip and then let go. The dreams she was referring to were nightmares. His parents burning to death. Do-kwon abandoning him and leaving. Blinding headlights running him over. A shadow wearing Seong-heon’s face gripping and clinging to his ankles. All sorts of nightmares.
Eun-soo took a deep breath and exhaled.
“……Sometimes.”
“How often is ‘sometimes’?”
“Uh…… about three or four times a week.”
“Do you go back to sleep after waking up from a dream?”
“……No. I can’t.”
Eun-soo slowly shook his head. Speaking about his condition like this made him realize anew, ‘Ah, I really can’t sleep at all.’ He remembered getting angry at Do-kwon once, asking who sleeps ‘sometimes.’ He let out a hollow laugh, realizing he was in no position to say that.
It would be great if he could just get sleeping pills. He had pleaded a few times, but the counselor didn’t even blink. She said they aren’t easily given to patients who have attempted suicide.
As Eun-soo traced the scar on his wrist with his thumb, the counselor asked another question.
“You’re using the Alpha pheromone scented candles I gave you, right?”
“……Yes.”
Eun-soo answered a beat late.
Pheromone scented candles. Eun-soo had been diagnosed to light them every night before sleeping. This was because his pheromones were very irregular.
They said it was a side effect of pheromone shock. His pheromones had become faint. Not that he had no scent, but they had become faint in a different way.
Normally, an Omega has pheromones accumulated in their body. When they can no longer accumulate and overflow, they are expressed outwardly, creating a scent.
However, Eun-soo’s pheromones didn’t accumulate inside; they just went straight out. For example, it was like eating food but instead of digesting it into nutrients, just excreting it all.
But that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. It was because his heat cycles had become irregular. One might say that’s more of a problem, but Eun-soo hadn’t experienced a heat cycle for nearly two years. For Eun-soo, it was a condition he welcomed with open arms.
Regardless, due to that side effect, Eun-soo had to live with therapeutic pheromone scented candles lit. They said that contact with Alpha pheromones could return the pheromone system to normal. Then, as the distorted biological rhythm normalized, he would sleep better and become healthier, but that was a goal Eun-soo didn’t particularly need.
At Eun-soo’s half-hearted affirmation, the counselor stared at him intently. Then, she rustled through some documents. The sound of papers flipping put pressure on Eun-soo.
“If you burn them for six hours a day, you should be coming to get new ones every two weeks. But you haven’t come to get a single one in two months.”
“…….”
Eun-soo remained silent. Even though he knew it was a lie that would be caught, he couldn’t help feeling embarrassed.
But what could he do when he truly hated it? Whether it was because of the fake Alpha pheromones Seong-heon had used at the hotel, or because of the wounds inflicted by Do-kwon, he absolutely loathed artificial pheromone scents.
Comforting the body and mind, my foot. When he lit them, he felt nauseous and motion-sick, making it impossible to stay inside the house. So he would often light them for a few minutes, turn them off, and ventilate the entire house.
Eun-soo let out a deep sigh and wiped his face with his hands.
“The smell is too… bad. I feel like I’m going to throw up, so I can’t keep them lit. Can’t you give me something else instead of candles? Are there no pills made from Alpha pheromones? Something I can take to sleep like I’m dead…….”
Eun-soo stopped mid-sentence and shut his mouth. Death. Dying. If he died. In this place, that word was taboo. A taboo word the counselor had imposed on Eun-soo. Eun-soo bit the inside of his cheek and glanced at the counselor.
Fortunately, she didn’t scold or reprimand him. She maintained a smile so gentle that he wondered if she was wearing a mask.
“Eun-soo. Sleep is as important to a human as eating. If you can’t sleep, not only will it interfere with your daily life, but controlling your emotions will also become difficult.”
“…….”
“Try to calmly feel the scent of the candles. You won’t feel nauseous. You don’t have a pheromone allergy, and your immune system for accepting pheromones is also normal. This means you are consciously rejecting the pheromones.”
Eun-soo wrinkled his nose. That again. In the end, it meant he was the problem. He knew. He knew that ultimately, all problems had sprouted from him. However, knowing the starting point of the problem and solving the problem were entirely different stories.
As a shadow fell over Eun-soo’s face, the counselor let out a faint sigh. Eun-soo was a very difficult patient. No matter what happened, he didn’t show his emotions well, but that wasn’t because he was truly indifferent… it was because he had already exhausted all his emotions and had nothing left to express.
He had no will to live a better life, nor any will to fix his sick mind and body. No matter how much she persuaded him, he just brushed it off, making it difficult to move to the next stage.
The counselor licked her lower lip and slowly spoke.
“How about… trying to meet an Alpha?”
“……What?”
Eun-soo asked back as if he had misheard.
He wondered what kind of nonsense this was. Of all people, for a doctor to say something so irresponsible and reckless. As Eun-soo’s face distorted grotesquely, the counselor added.
“An Alpha and an Omega are a pair when they are together. They were created that way biologically. Unlike Betas, they exchange something meaningful called pheromones. There are also things like heat cycles and ruts that make them crave each other.”
“…….”
“An Alpha and an Omega being together is a law of nature, Eun-soo. A law that cannot be changed no matter what.”
“…….”
“But because you feel fear toward Alphas and are avoiding them, your condition is not improving.”
Eun-soo felt as if every single word from the counselor was striking him like thunder. Throughout her speech, the only thought he had wasn’t ‘Ah, I should meet an Alpha,’ but ‘Ah, I really shouldn’t have been born an Omega.’
Then I wouldn’t have had to meet Do-kwon, nor would I have miscarried Bomi, whom I carried in my womb. I wouldn’t have wasted my time here like this, either.
Eun-soo clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly. How much time was left in the session? When would he be able to escape this place? As those thoughts crossed his mind, the counselor suddenly raised her voice.
“That’s ridiculous. It’s absolutely dog-shit.”
“……Excuse me?”
“The only reason you’re here is because of an Alpha, and yet they tell you to meet another Alpha. Isn’t that just total bullshit?”
“Ah…….”
Eun-soo nodded unconsciously. He had been angry, but since the counselor was even angrier, he had no chance to speak. He could only agree. It truly was bullshit that he had become an Omega who couldn’t live without an Alpha. As Eun-soo stared at the counselor with a vacant gaze, her voice returned to a gentle tone.
“But it can’t be helped. Biologically speaking.”
“…….”
“When your physical condition is poor—when you can’t digest anything you eat and can’t sleep—your mind can’t stay healthy on its own.”
“…….”
“So, start by adapting to the pheromone scented candles. And then, let’s gradually adapt to other things, bit by bit.”
At the soft, persistent persuasion, Eun-soo nodded again. He didn’t have the confidence to meet an Alpha. Eun-soo knew all too well how difficult it was to adapt to a new person, build a friendship, fall in love, and spend time together. He also lacked the confidence that he wouldn’t think of the past, of Do-kwon, or of Bomi while meeting someone new.
Therefore, he had to find another way to live. Just as the counselor said, he had to adapt to the pheromone scented candles, or else…… or else…….
Just as the focus in Eun-soo’s eyes began to blur.
“I’ll give you homework. Light the candle and sleep with it at least three times a week.”
The counselor spoke, tapping the file with her pen. Eun-soo nodded with an expression as if he were possessed.
* * *
With a tired face, Eun-soo parked his car below the villa. He leaned deep into the backrest and took a moment to catch his breath.
“Haa…….”
All he had done while going out was ‘sit still and talk,’ yet he didn’t know why he felt so exhausted. Lately, he had spent most of his time killing hours alone at the gallery, so the act of going outside itself felt like a burden.
In the past, he used to wake up early, eat, go to work, and work hard. After work, he would watch movies and drink with Do-kwon, and sex—……anyway, he had lived a very busy life, and it was almost surprising how he had managed to do it all. With his current stamina, he felt like he would need to clock out the moment he clocked in.
Eun-soo closed his dry eyes tightly and then opened them. He still had things to do today. He had to buy groceries and clean the house. Ah…… but maybe he didn’t need to go grocery shopping. There was still some porridge Do-kwon had bought a while ago, and there was fruit, so he decided he’d just heat that up and go to sleep.
Having made a half-baked plan, Eun-soo got out of the car. As he locked the car with the key and turned around.
“Eun-soo. Hi.”
A heavy presence tickled the nape of his neck.
“…….”
Startled by the sudden presence, Eun-soo couldn’t even scream and collapsed right where he stood. An anonymous person. An intruder. A stranger. His five senses, which were excessively sensitive to such things, tingled as if struck by electricity. His muscles contracted sharply, and his shoulders shot up to his ears.
“Eun-soo!”
A large hand supported the falling Eun-soo. Belatedly, Eun-soo recognized the owner of the presence. It was Do-kwon. In truth, he could have easily known by that characteristic low voice, but because he had been so shocked by the presence of another person, his frozen heart wouldn’t thaw easily.
“Sorry. Did I scare you?”
Do-kwon, his brows furrowed deeply, apologized sincerely. He helped Eun-soo up and sat him down on the porch steps. Only then did Eun-soo unconsciously let out the breath he had been holding. With a bewildered expression, Do-kwon stroked Eun-soo’s forearm.
“Are you okay? Should I… should I go buy some water?”
At Do-kwon’s words, Eun-soo shook his head. Home was just an elevator ride away, so there was no need. Rubbing his trembling hands, Eun-soo looked up at Do-kwon.
“Why…… why are you here?”
“Your mother told me today was your hospital day, so she said not to bother you.”
“…….”
“So I worked all day. And I waited for you here after I finished. I thought I might be able to see your face for a moment as you went inside.”
“…….”
“If I knew you’d be this surprised, I should have stayed further away. I’m sorry.”
Do-kwon apologized again. Eun-soo looked up at him with a hazy gaze. Meanwhile, the fingers that had been rubbing his hand had moved to his wrist. Specifically, to the deep scar. The scar felt itchy. A phantom sensation arose, as if insects were wriggling inside.
Whether he noticed the focus vanishing from Eun-soo’s eyes or not, Do-kwon changed the subject to lighten the mood.
“I worked a ton today. So tomorrow, I can spend the whole day with you. I’ll come early in the morning.”
Squatting in front of Eun-soo, he beamed with a wide smile, looking genuinely happy. Eun-soo stared blankly at Do-kwon’s lips, which curved into a clear arc. Even so, he would probably just sit in the car and watch from a distance. What was there to be so happy about?
Eun-soo envied Do-kwon, who could smile like that over such trivial and insignificant things. Behind that envy followed resentment and jealousy.
I’m not happy no matter what I do. You find happiness so easily, he thought.
As Eun-soo gazed at Do-kwon, Do-kwon suddenly stood up. Then, with his long legs, he approached his car parked nearby. Opening the passenger door, he pulled out a large paper bag.
It was what is commonly called a bread bag or a baguette bag. It was puffed up, appearing to be full of something.
Do-kwon thrust it toward Eun-soo.
“I called you over to give you this. They’re donuts. I bought them from that donut shop in front of the office.”
“…….”
“You remember, right? We used to go there all the time back then.”
A smile crept onto the corners of Do-kwon’s mouth again. He seemed to be recalling brilliant memories. The expression washed off Eun-soo’s face. On the other hand, an excited Do-kwon pushed the donut bag deeper toward Eun-soo.
“I bought the ones you like. There are some with strawberries on top. When you finish them, next time I come, I’ll—”
Just as Do-kwon casually mentioned ‘next time,’ Eun-soo pushed the donut bag away with the back of his hand, as if striking it. Due to the violent shove, the bag fell upside down. Round, colorful donuts rolled haphazardly across the black asphalt. The ones with cream left sticky stains, and the decorated strawberries were unsightlyly crushed.
“You’re really…… annoying.”
Eun-soo muttered, gritting his teeth.
“……Eun-soo?”
With a bewildered face, Do-kwon looked back and forth between the scattered donuts and Eun-soo. Seeing that face, Eun-soo clenched his fists tight.
“Ah……. Seriously. Seriously, you’re so annoying.”
Eun-soo’s shoulders trembled. The whites of his eyes turned red, and his lower lip quivered.
He felt like he could die from how hateful Do-kwon seemed. You’re just happy dwelling on memories of the past. But those memories still hurt me. I’m too afraid of sinking into that time to even dare bring them up. Yet you bring them out constantly, miss them, feel happy, and even shove them in my face. It was an utterly brazen act.
Watching Eun-soo turn red with rage and then pale, Do-kwon slightly furrowed his brows. Then, with eyes full of worry, he tried to soothe him.
“Eun-soo. Did something…… happen?”
At those words, Eun-soo’s eyes flashed. His dilated pupils shrank to the size of pinholes. Eun-soo demanded of Do-kwon in an agitated voice.
“What is there to be so happy about, Do-kwon? How can you smile like that?”
“…….”
“I’m still struggling in hell. Why are you the only one happy, why!”
Eun-soo’s tightly clenched fists trembled. At the vivid rage, Do-kwon unconsciously leaned his upper body back, but Eun-soo gripped Do-kwon’s shirt collar with all his might.
Though it was a pathetic amount of strength stemming from his worn-out wrists, for some reason, Do-kwon couldn’t move an inch. He had a strange delusion that if Eun-soo applied a little more force, his neck might just snap.
While Do-kwon stood there foolishly gasping for air, tears began to shimmer in Eun-soo’s eyes.
“I…… I still can’t sleep. I’m afraid to sleep. Because I don’t know what kind of nightmare I’ll have. The moment I lie in bed is just so terrible.”
“…….”
“Because of the aftereffects of the pheromone shock, my head hurts and I feel nauseous. To treat it, I have to meet an Alpha, but the only Alphas in my life are you, or that—that fucking piece of shit…… both of you are such terrible memories that…… I can’t even dream of meeting someone else.”
“…….”
“When I look at you, I keep, keep thinking about it. About you blaming me, the moment I slit my wrists, and the reason why Bomi is…… not by my side right now.”
Eun-soo’s cascading sentences were filled entirely with pain. That pain was so piercing and immense that Do-kwon felt as if his own body were crumbling as he absorbed Eun-soo’s agony.
Eun-soo weakly let go of Do-kwon’s collar.
“It’s hard for me to push you away. I want to curse you, hit you, even kick you, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve never done things like that, so I don’t know how.”
“…….”
“Even if I did, I don’t know if my heart would feel any lighter. It’s just that whenever I see you, my mind keeps getting clouded.”
“…….”
“So, you do it, Do-kwon.”
“…….”
“You…… let me go…….”
Tears dripped from Eun-soo’s eyes. Thick droplets fell incessantly. Then, he suddenly burst into tears, sobbing like a child. His eyes distorted, and his lips parted as he poured out his sorrow.
At the sound of that crying, Do-kwon finally snapped back to his senses.
“Eun-soo. I’m sorry. I was wrong.”
“Huuu…….”
“Don’t cry……. Please? Don’t cry, please…….”
His hands hovered clumsily in the air, not knowing what to do. He wanted to touch Eun-soo, but he feared that would make him cry harder. Yet, staying still felt impossible as his limbs refused to obey.
It felt as if his heart were breaking. He knew better than anyone that he was a painful memory to Eun-soo. And yet, he had ignored it. He had been arrogant, believing that if he kept approaching and approaching, the pain would eventually fade and be forgotten.
Because Eun-soo was lonely. Because he hated being alone. Because he had loved him. He believed that although Eun-soo hated him, that love hadn’t completely evaporated. He believed that if he kept knocking, Eun-soo would eventually let him in.
It was a selfish greed. He wanted to hold Eun-soo in his hand so badly. He wanted to keep him in his sight. He had arbitrarily invaded his territory and stirred up the peace Eun-soo had barely found.
It was all his fault.
That Eun-soo was crying like this was, once again, his fault.
And probably, the reason he would cry in the future would also be because of him.
Do-kwon gently wiped the corners of Eun-soo’s eyes with his thumb. Then, he gazed at the distorted face of Eun-soo.
“Eun-soo. I…….”
“Ugh, huu…….”
“Should I…… stop coming now?”
Do-kwon dragged out his words slowly. It was because these were words he didn’t want to utter, even as he was saying them.
Eun-soo, who had been sobbing loudly, stopped for a moment. His round eyes stared intently at Do-kwon. A single tear that hadn’t been wiped away flowed down his pretty cheek. Do-kwon wiped that away as well and quietly met his gaze.
“Should I…… stop even watching you from afar?”
Do-kwon’s eyes grew red.
“…….”
Eun-soo’s lips parted slightly. Even then, tears continued to flow. Those tears piled up and up around Do-kwon’s chest. His ribs felt heavy. His heart beat excessively slowly.
Do-kwon’s hand slowly pulled away from Eun-soo’s cheek. His fingertips trembled with lingering regret as they finally detached.
“If you hate it…… I won’t come.”
“…….”
“I won’t appear in front of you, Eun-soo.”
“…….”
“So…… don’t cry.”
A tear that had been shimmering in Do-kwon’s eyes finally fell. Eun-soo thought it was strangely slow, the way that tear dropped. The round, heavy droplet was imprinted vividly on his retina.
While Eun-soo stood dazed by the afterimage of Do-kwon’s tear, Do-kwon stood up. Then, he leaned down and pressed his lips firmly against Eun-soo’s forehead before pulling away.
“…….”
His lips moved slightly. He seemed to have something he wanted to say. Eun-soo thought it was probably something cliché, like I love you, I’ll miss you, take care, or call me whenever you need me.
However, Do-kwon managed to leave no words behind. It was because he felt that no matter what he said, it wouldn’t have a positive effect on Eun-soo.
Do-kwon slowly walked away. He didn’t look back once until the moment he got into his car. Eun-soo didn’t watch Do-kwon leave either. He simply stared with empty eyes at the donuts left behind.
Soon, Do-kwon’s car started. It seemed to move away, and then it vanished in an instant.
Left alone, Eun-soo folded his knees and buried his face between them.
It was the second breakup.