#197

The death that had felt like someone else’s story slowly came back to life as I began to speak. The moments I had recounted so calmly had actually happened less than a month ago for Cullen.

Blinking, Cullen thought about what to say. Ulli had held her breath from the moment Cullen began to speak.

So…

Cullen was exhausted. Ever since leaving Kiyen after Lasano’s betrayal, the wounds that had barely healed upon meeting him had begun to sprout anew.

There was much blood on my hands. I didn’t want to kill anyone anymore, yet I had to kill those caught in the cycle of revenge.

Perhaps as a price for the blood on my hands, Cullen experienced Arne’s death. From then on, the world began to crumble. After confronting Iris’s madness, which had taken away everyone I loved, Cullen truly wanted to rest, and it was Kiyen I met at the end of that journey.

“Kiyen-nim’s liberation was only possible through my death….”

Cullen slowly recalled Kiyen’s words that had pierced his heart. He remembered Kiyen’s golden eyes, glaring at him with betrayal. At that time, Kiyen didn’t even know how to cry, expressing everything with pure rage. It was my fault for making Kiyen feel betrayed. My fault—

“I have fulfilled my contract with you. Therefore, as the just price for my contract, I demand your death.”

Even though my head understood it was justified.

“That was the condition I wanted from the beginning. I cooperated with you for my liberation.”

Every single word he spoke…

“You are the most terrible Larkan among Larkans.”

It hurt.

His words hurt more than tearing my own flesh, breaking my bones, and pulling out my heart. It felt as if all the time we had spent together was for this moment, and it hurt that I couldn’t bring him happiness, and that he said he hated me more than the Larkans who had used him.

It was agonizing that my love had brought him no joy, and I resented that it had stolen even the happiness from the time we spent together, however one-sided it may have been.

“He wanted me dead.”

Only after saying that did Cullen finally realize he resented Kiyen.

To him, who lived in a world divided into those he loved and those he had to kill, resentment towards a loved one was an unfamiliar emotion. He had never even imagined he could harbor such feelings for someone he loved. The love Cullen knew was always based on devotion.

“Is it possible to resent the one you love?”

After speaking of death with a calm demeanor, Cullen asked Ulli a question. He didn’t want to recount the cruel words Kiyen had spoken to him. Even though he was numb to pain, the last wound Kiyen had left was difficult to even think about, and speaking it aloud was still too much.

Perhaps he would get used to it someday, but not now.

In response to Cullen’s question, Ulli bit her lip. Her teal eyes contorted, and she let out a choked sob. The sound of her catching her breath could be heard, and then Ulli spoke.

“Of course, you idiot.”

Saying that, Ulli moved closer to Cullen and hugged him tightly. He could feel her small, trembling body.

“Of course, when you hear words like that, you can’t help but resent them.”

With an unexpected answer, Ulli gasped. Burying her face in Cullen’s shoulder, she stroked his back with her palm.

“The words from someone you love hurt you even more. It’s the same for me. My father, though I know he did nothing wrong, sometimes I resent him for leaving my mother and me behind in situations like this. How much more so for you, from someone you loved so much….”

Her voice trembling, she pulled away and met Cullen’s gaze again. He saw her teal eyes, filled with moisture. Seeing that reminded Cullen that it had been a very long time since he had cried.

“You were told to die.”

Ulli’s voice trembled terribly.

“And you are someone who would gladly die if Kiyen-nim wanted it….”

Wiping away her tears, she nodded to herself.

“If it were me, I wouldn’t have done that, but I would have resented and hated him for a very long time. So Cullen, the feelings you’re experiencing are not strange at all. It would be stranger not to feel them.”

Haa, Ulli sighed deeply and rubbed her reddened eyes.

Cullen somberly mulled over Ulli’s words. Kiyen was the first and last person he had met whom he wanted as a lover. As such, he was precious, and Cullen had wanted to give him only good things. Even now, though they were no longer lovers, he didn’t want to hurt Kiyen.

However, Cullen had ended up saying harsh words to him today. He had thought it was better to push him away for Kiyen’s sake, who kept expecting and being disappointed.

Perhaps those words were born of resentment?

“Am I allowed to do that?”

Cullen looked at Ulli with a confused expression. Ulli made a contorted face.

“You’re such an idiot.”

After chiding him, Ulli took Cullen’s hand. Unlike his own cold hand, Ulli’s was warm. Even though their calloused, hard hands touched, it felt soft.

“It was hard.”

A quiet word fell.

“It was really hard, Cullen.”

Their fingers intertwined. Instead of the heart-aching, bursting feeling he got when holding Kiyen’s hand, a faint peace settled in.

“Don’t do anything you don’t want to do until your heart has healed. You always live for others. So let your emotions, at least your emotions, flow as you wish.”

It felt like peace, and like comfort.

“It takes time for wounds to heal.”

Ulli’s last words echoed in his ears. Cullen lowered his gaze and looked at their clasped hands. A different kind of stability, unlike the peace he felt when he couldn’t feel emotions, settled in. Something in his chest felt full and warm. He still believed the goddess’s Golden Seal was necessary for him, but at least for this moment…

He didn’t dislike being a normal human who could feel emotions.

Cullen and Ulli talked for a long time that night. She had gotten mead from mercenaries and kept urging him to drink, even though he couldn’t drink much. Drunk, Ulli alternated between crying and laughing, saying she would collect the broken promise later with a different price.

And then they talked about Arne. At Ulli’s words that Arne would have cried more than her, Cullen finally managed a faint, wry smile. It was hard to laugh properly, but thinking of Arne brought some comfort.

As they talked, Cullen remembered what the goddess had said earlier. She had intended to speak about the place where souls return, but she had been completely drunk and had fallen asleep with Cullen’s thigh as a pillow.

With a slight buzz from the alcohol, Cullen stepped out into the night air and looked at the sky.

After escorting Ulli to her lodging, Cullen returned to his own tent. The moment he lifted the tent flap, he quietly imagined whether Kiyen might be sitting on his bed.

But there were only the sleeping Young Dragons. Kiyen was nowhere to be seen. Only the towel he had used to wipe Kiyen’s blood sat on a chair.

Discarding the bathwater, now tinged with blood, outside, Cullen subtly scanned for Kiyen’s whereabouts. However, he couldn’t sense his presence. Knowing it was impossible, he kept glancing around, but eventually went inside.

Then, thinking Kiyen might return, he sat on the bed. Kiyen’s words about not showing himself didn’t quite sink in. Ulli had seen him, and he had been next to the Young Dragons, so Cullen thought he might eventually come here.

He waited like that and fell asleep. At some point, Cullen found himself lying in bed, and when he opened his eyes, the Young Dragons were crowded onto the bed next to him. Cat was burrowed into his chest, White was hugging Cat, and Black was nestled behind him.

Soft breathing sounds echoed. Cullen knew dragons didn’t need to sleep, but the children remained asleep even though he had woken up. It seemed like a voluntary act, so Cullen quietly looked down at them, then carefully slipped out from between them.

As he exited the tent, the harsh sunlight stung his eyes. He instinctively winced at the intense heat that only the midday sun could provide.

People were already bustling about, starting their day. Just then, a mercenary passing by Cullen stopped.

“You’re awake!”

With a booming voice, the man bowed deeply. Cullen, squinting slightly, stared at him. There was no reason for the man to act this way towards someone he didn’t know. Had someone near Ulli revealed his identity?

“The Lord is still in his tent. Shall I guide you?”

However, the man’s expression was more peculiar than that. Seeing him immediately mention Ulli and her tent, Cullen felt a slight strangeness. Cullen, who was about to question him, changed his mind.

“It’s alright.”

“Really? I…!”

Ignoring the mercenary who insisted on guiding him despite his polite refusal, Cullen began walking in the direction of Ulli’s tent. He was also concerned about Lasano, who hadn’t been seen since yesterday, and he wanted to confirm if Kiyen had been seen.

Besides, he couldn’t just do nothing. Cullen needed something to do. Having lived a life with a purpose, it felt strange to have no immediate goal.

As he walked towards Ulli’s tent, Cullen encountered a woman with her green hair tied up in front of it. The moment he saw her face, his expression hardened, and he stared at her. It was Junon.

Junon, upon spotting Cullen, also stopped as she was about to enter the tent. A scar, longer than any he had seen before, ran across her cheek and temple.

Meeting her, the incident with Zarkas flashed through his mind. Recalling the desolate memories, Cullen slowly brought his hand to his waist. As Cullen reached for the dagger he always carried, Junon spoke first.

“……I’m sorry.”

An unexpected apology. As Cullen frowned, Junon slowly approached with a blank expression. Then, looking up at Cullen, she spoke again.

“I wanted to say this if we ever met. Everything I did while in Zarkas, and the wrongs I committed against you and the Dragons, I’m sorry for all of it.”