#196

Tears, precariously gathered at his reddened eyes, fell.

The tears that fell onto his cheek spread with pain. Kiyen’s face looked more, much more, wounded than when he had clung to him and cried. The guilt he hadn’t fully felt that night, when a faint veil had been over him, pierced his chest.

He had so desperately wished to make him smile.

And yet, Cullen had made Kiyen cry so many times. He was less adept at hiding his emotions than Cullen had thought. He had always been calm and rational, so Cullen hadn’t expected to see this side of him, but Kiyen cried when he was hurt.

Quietly, as if he didn’t know how to cry aloud.

Kiyen, making gasping sounds, opened his mouth. With an empty expression, he whispered softly.

“You finally called my name.”

Cullen blinked. He only realized he had called his name after hearing Kiyen’s words. He had unconsciously spoken the name he thought he had no right to call.

“I’m not happy.”

Kiyen’s voice grew gradually smaller. His eyelashes trembled emptily as he slowly pulled back.

“That you…”

His voice, wet with tears, sank. A small ripple spread, like sinking into a deep ocean.

“I understand that you don’t love me.”

His wings drooped miserably. Kiyen, staggering back, moved away from Cullen after leaving the bed.

“Knowing it wasn’t true, I kept trying to deny it. Living alone for so long, you were the only one who loved me that much, so I thought you…”

Tears continued to stream down Kiyen’s cheeks. As if unaware he was crying, Kiyen made no move to wipe them and stared only at Cullen from a distance.

“I thought you still loved me, even a little.”

The despair in his voice reached Cullen’s skin vividly. His chest ached, and his eyes grew hot. Even though he wasn’t in danger, the pain spread as if he had seen Kiyen get hurt. It was utterly incomprehensible.

“But it was my delusion.”

Kiyen, who had always hoped for something, however small, from him, now looked like someone who expected nothing.

“Yes.”

And the moment he realized that, Cullen felt a fear he had never experienced before.

It was a fear of a different caliber than when he had been rejected and hurt. Cullen, rising from the bed without realizing it, moved his lips. He couldn’t recall the exact words, but his chest felt suffocatingly tight.

“If my requests, my pleas, have made you this way…”

His hollow eyes looked down at Cullen. It was like that day. On the last day, when he had to carry out the massacre under Kihelene’s command, he had worn that same expression.

“I will not appear before you again.”

With those words, Kiyen turned his body. Seeing him turn as if to leave at any moment, Cullen’s body moved first. Before he knew it, Cullen had firmly grasped his wrist.

However, even though he touched him, Kiyen’s expression didn’t change. His tear-streaked chin tilted slightly towards Cullen, but there was no blossoming joy. Meeting his golden eyes, which looked at him with emptiness, the fear he had felt earlier intensified.

“Where are you going with an unhealed body? Your wings are still injured.”

That was the immediate thought. Worry flooded him seeing Kiyen move without finishing his treatment.

But Kiyen frowned at Cullen’s concern. He looked pained.

“You…”

A bitter voice echoed.

“You’ve always been this kind to everyone. I had forgotten that. My concern was ultimately just your nature, and I was foolish.”

Kiyen spoke as if his own healing didn’t matter. Sending Kiyen out in that condition was unthinkable, so Cullen shook his head.

“It has nothing to do with that. If you are uncomfortable, I will keep my distance, so please let me at least heal your wings.”

“They will heal if left alone. Not like before, but they will mend with time, so you don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

This time, Kiyen shook his head. He ran a hand through his hair with a weary expression.

“…I don’t know how not to love you, so if I continue to stay by your side, the same thing as before might happen. I will make demands you don’t want again.”

Saying so, Kiyen lowered his head and looked at Cullen’s hand gripping him.

“And I know better than anyone what it feels like to have to do something you don’t want to do.”

Kiyen spoke in a dry voice and slowly twisted his wrist, pulling away from Cullen. Instead of letting go of his hand, he seemed to be trying his best to avoid touching him.

“I don’t want to make the one I love do such a thing. So it’s better to keep our distance.”

Hearing that, Cullen felt an emptiness hollow him out.

“I will make it so you don’t have to see me anymore.”

For a moment, he was speechless. He wanted to deny his words, but if he were to be precise, this was what he had wanted. He had even tried to run away from Kiyen.

His hand, which had let go of Kiyen, slowly fell.

“I will follow you only until you safely complete what you wish to do. After that, I will disappear completely…”

Kiyen turned his body and headed for the entrance of the tent. Cullen flinched and tried to grab him again, but Kiyen didn’t look back. His heavily drooping wings obscured Kiyen’s face.

“Bear with it just a little longer.”

It was a whisper as if asking him to endure something terrible. Before he could say it wasn’t true, Kiyen left the tent. Staring blankly at the scene, Cullen followed a few seconds later, but Kiyen’s golden wings were nowhere to be seen.

Cullen, about to run off to find him, stopped, clenching his fist. Worry kept pushing him forward, but if Kiyen didn’t want it, there was nothing he could do. Slowly closing his eyes, Cullen whispered to himself.

It’s the right thing. For him, and for me, it’s better that we don’t meet. It’s better than continuing to give the Dragon false hope.

It had to be that way.

Kiyen hadn’t been seen all day. Even though I had hurt him as I’d wanted, my heart wasn’t at ease.

Kiyen had always tried to keep his promises, so it was possible I might truly never see him again. If he didn’t haunt my sight, I wouldn’t be swayed, so I should have nothing holding me back now, yet I found it difficult to concentrate. It felt as if my insides were hollow, as if I had a heart but didn’t.

Cullen deliberately avoided people, lighting a separate fire in the most secluded spot. The mere fact that I felt their attention directed towards me was tiring. Kiyen’s expression kept flashing before my eyes, leaving me with no mental energy to deal with anyone else.

“What is it. You haven’t lost your expression entirely, have you?”

As I gazed into the roaring flames, someone tapped me and asked, while I was sitting by the campfire. I looked up to see Ulli. She sat down next to Cullen with a pout.

“Welcome.”

Ulli placed a wooden plate before Cullen, who greeted her silently. On it were roasted crops. Pita, the most common food in Tesnia. Pita, a tuber with a green skin and white flesh, was difficult to roast without burning, but this one looked quite nicely browned.

Cullen, who had been quietly gazing at the plate before him, suddenly recalled that Kiyen felt hunger. He had only eaten pickled fruit so far, so I wondered if he had eaten anything else. Ulli spoke to Cullen, who was lost in thought.

“It’s for you. You haven’t eaten anything, have you?”

Ulli’s question made me realize I hadn’t put anything in my mouth since yesterday. I didn’t feel hungry, but I needed to eat to keep moving.

“Thank you.”

As I said that and took the plate, Ulli shrugged and began poking the campfire with a stick.

“Your children are with Lasano. They’ve become quite the nannies in your absence.”

At Ulli’s words, Cullen belatedly thought of the Young Dragons. I felt sorry for not having paid attention due to my preoccupation. In truth, they were beings with no relation to me whatsoever.

“They are not my children.”

“They follow you and Kiyen-nim around like children, so it’s all the same.”

Kiyen’s name made Cullen’s expression harden. Ulli, not missing the chance, asked.

“What in the world happened? You and the Dragon Lord, why do you both look like that?”

To her, who spoke as if she had seen Kiyen, Cullen asked.

“Did you see Kiyen-nim?”

“Yes. He was with the Young Dragons.”

Hearing that he had appeared before Ulli after saying he would disappear from my sight felt strange. Cullen winced slightly, and Ulli asked.

“You’ve changed a lot too, Kiyen-nim. I was really surprised. And….”

Ulli glanced around, then spoke cautiously.

“Lasano told me something. I asked him why Kiyen-nim was injured. You know, I’d never seen him injured before… I was surprised to see him like that.”

When the topic of Kiyen’s immortality came up, Cullen fell silent. Ulli gave him time, pulling her knees to her chest. Resting her chin on her knees, she said softly.

“I have so many things I want to tell you, but you don’t?”

The campfire flared as she stirred it, sending sparks flying.

“I had so many stories I wanted to share during the three years you were gone. You know, when you share happiness, it becomes greater, and when you share sadness, it becomes a little lighter.”

Ulli’s words strangely touched my heart. Cullen hesitated, recalling things he had no intention of telling Ulli. As he paused, Ulli gently nudged his arm with her shoulder.

“I’ll listen to everything, so let’s share, okay? I’m sorry for getting angry earlier. I was disappointed that my best friend didn’t welcome me as much as I expected. You must have your reasons too.”

The tenderness hidden in her casual tone struck Cullen. It was a different kind of tenderness than that of Lasano or Kiyen. Ulli’s unique sense of stability moved Cullen’s heart. After watching the flames for a long time, Cullen slowly opened his mouth.

There was no need to tell her, but strangely, I just wanted to.

“The reason I had nothing to say to you was….”

Cullen tore his gaze from the campfire and met Ulli’s eyes. Her gentle, teal eyes, as if ready to listen to everything, were looking at me.

“It’s because I died on the day we parted.”