#195

Even though he was aware of what was happening, Cullen couldn’t push him away. The confessions he had just heard throbbed and squeezed his heart, rendering Cullen unable to move.

Had he ever been someone’s most precious being?

He had someone like that, but in his life, he had never been the object of such affection. Except for his family, lost long ago, and Gale. But even then, Cullen hadn’t heard such words. A shiver ran down his spine.

The Dragon, whose lips met his, did not press deeply but instead gently touched and then pulled away. As Cullen did not push him away, the Dragon tightened his grip on the hand holding him. Perhaps emboldened by fear of rejection, he again pressed his lips together, softly. A gentle sensation, like a bird pecking, settled. It tickled.

The act with the Dragon, with Kiyen, left Cullen deeply confused. His reason, which had been desperately trying to maintain a boundary and push him away, was powerless at this moment. His heart, exhausted by the night’s events, gradually retreated as Kiyen touched him. Kiyen’s actions, calling him the most precious and stepping forward for his sake, kept weakening him.

Just…

Should I just let it be?

A voice whispered from within. It was exhausting for Cullen to fend off the emotions transmitted through the Golden Seal in its partially released state. Wouldn’t things change if he could feel everything again, like before? Kiyen, of all people, desired him so intensely; why not just…

Why couldn’t he accept him?

He didn’t know what impulse brought about such a thought, but for a moment, Cullen genuinely considered it. With every soft touch and release of Kiyen’s lips, that thought grew larger. A sudden urge to touch him arose, and the kiss with Kiyen, which he had so loved, felt desperately needed at this moment.

Whatever expression he wore, Kiyen, who had been continuing the gentle kisses, observed him for a moment. Finding it difficult to meet his eyes, he looked away, but Kiyen’s gaze followed. Another hand reached out and gently cupped his chin. Kiyen turned his head back towards him and whispered softly.

“I dreamt you called my name.”

Kiyen continued, rubbing his cheek gently.

“If you’re alright with it, if you’ve worried about me even a little…”

His gentle voice cautiously pleaded with Cullen.

“Just once, please call my name.”

As he spoke, Kiyen’s eyes held a desperate hope. In exchange for saving him, the Dragon asked only for his name to be called. It was a small, insignificant request.

Love was like that. Anything done by the one you loved was good, and even the most trivial act brought irreplaceable joy, didn’t it?

Cullen felt the truth he had only recognized intellectually with stark clarity. The Dragon truly loved him. He had acted with the intention of eradicating his feelings for him for the Dragon’s sake, but before this incident, it hadn’t quite resonated.

But now, yes, he understood. Unbelievably, the Dragon had come to love him.

The moment he admitted it, his insides churned. An urge, as if about to burst, fueled Cullen. All he had to do was call his name. Then he would see Kiyen smile joyfully. And he, too, wanted that.

Kiyen…

As Cullen was about to whisper as if entranced, the meaning of the name stopped him. He had just been thinking his name in his mind without issue, but to call him by the name Eierkisyien felt too dangerous. The moment he called his name, Kiyen might misunderstand. They both knew the meaning contained within that name.

Did he have the right to call his name?

Kiyen called him the most precious being, but Cullen couldn’t be sure if he was still his everything, as he had been in the past. Although he felt some impulse, it wasn’t as intense as in memories. Not even being sure if he loved him, calling his name would be a deception.

“That… doesn’t seem right.”

Cullen finally averted his gaze and said so. At the small but definite refusal, Kiyen’s eyes widened. The hand holding his chin tightened.

“…Why?”

He asked again, as if he truly couldn’t understand. Following his gaze, which avoided his, Kiyen met his eyes and asked in a low, husky voice.

“Aren’t you… accepting me?”

Kiyen looked confused. His eyebrows curved pitifully, and he released his chin. The moment he let go, Kiyen immediately pulled Cullen into an embrace. Because Cullen didn’t resist, he was pulled as if carried and seated on top of him. Kiyen, holding him tightly, whispered.

“Didn’t I allow you to kiss me? Look. You aren’t pushing me away now.”

While holding him intensely, his arms tightened as if afraid of letting him go.

“It’s alright if you don’t love me like before. Even this much affection is fine with me. So Cullen, please…”

The Dragon merely pleaded. His voice choked, unable to finish the sentence. Cullen, held tightly in his embrace, froze in confusion. Then, his gaze fell upon Kiyen’s wings. Right before his eyes, drooping, still torn and scorched, were his beautiful wings.

The mark that symbolized Kiyen, whom he had loved so much, was damaged to the point of questioning if it could ever be restored. And it was he who had put the Dragon in such a state. His decisions, his actions, and the Dragon’s feelings for him had made him this way.

By what sanity had he let him misunderstand?

His heart began to beat faster. The feelings that had been momentarily drawn in sharpened their edge. He had almost made a mistake, drawn in by a fleeting temptation. To make a mistake even while remembering the emotions that had driven him mad all day.

If things progressed further from here, it would only harm both of them. For a short while, perhaps just a moment, it might be comfortable, but Cullen would eventually experience the same pain as last night.

This was not the peaceful cabin where they were. They were on a continent where danger lurked, and Cullen had come down here of his own volition. He had things to do. Didn’t he believe there was a reason he had survived in the first place?

Accepting Kiyen was out of the question. He now genuinely understood his feelings, but nothing would change. He had almost been swayed by something absurd.

“That’s not why.”

Cullen, having steeled his resolve, opened his mouth.

“I merely responded because it seemed like what Kiyen-nim wanted. Today… I owe you a debt.”

Cullen spoke with deliberate coldness to create distance between them again.

“…A debt?”

Kiyen blinked at Cullen’s words and asked again. He slowly released his arms that had been holding him. Then, he pulled back and met Cullen’s eyes.

“Yes. Because you saved my life. Before I could repay the debt of you bringing me back to life, today’s debt was added—”

“You kissed me for that reason?”

Kiyen’s eyes trembled terribly. Seeing the evident hurt on his face, Cullen felt his throat constrict. He suppressed the urge to say it wasn’t true.

Don’t forget.

He had asked to have his emotions removed so he wouldn’t suffer anymore. Even if he couldn’t prevent the Golden Seal from loosening, getting closer to Kiyen would be of no help. Moreover, if they grew closer, Kiyen might risk even greater danger than he was now.

Therefore, it was right to push him away so his feelings wouldn’t grow.

Kiyen had always looked sad at his words, but he had never shown such unreserved hurt before. Now that he could no longer hide the truth behind his sadness, hurting him might be effective.

If he realized that loving him was painful, perhaps he would give up. Cullen’s ultimate exhaustion had stemmed from Kiyen’s hurtful words. Though he didn’t want to use this method, the events of the night had solidified Cullen’s resolve.

As he stubbornly kept his mouth shut, Kiyen’s eyebrows furrowed. Looking at Cullen with disbelief, he let out a low laugh. Kiyen, smiling with a contorted face, only making a sound, asked softly.

“So you would have done anything based on that logic.”

Muttering to himself, he spoke again.

“If the reason you’re letting me touch you now is because you owe me a debt, does that mean you would accept even more?”

Kiyen asked in a wounded voice.

“…Yes.”

Cullen managed to reply, and Kiyen let out a hollow laugh.

“Then does that mean you would have let me take you, even if I had tried?”

He didn’t know what Kiyen was expecting, but he asked. It was an unexpected question. Kiyen had said he didn’t feel physical desire, only mental reactions. The thought of desiring someone, especially Kiyen, felt unreal, and he hadn’t even imagined it.

In a state of confusion, Cullen moved his lips.

“I don’t think that would be beneficial for Kiyen-nim, but…”

To be intimate was the most profound act. At a time when he should be pushing him away, there was no way he would engage in such an intimate act. Kiyen hadn’t demanded anything of him, but even if he had, he would have refused. Yet, Cullen gave the opposite answer.

Because, that way, Kiyen would be hurt.

“If that was what you wanted as repayment, I would have done it.”

His voice, continuing softly, echoed loudly within the tent. Kiyen, with a contorted expression, looked at Cullen silently at his calm affirmation. After a few seconds of silence, he let out a low laugh.

“Is that so.”

It was a small murmur, but it sounded like a cry. Kiyen let out a brief, sharp laugh, then his expression hardened, and he roughly scooped Cullen up. Startled by the rough movement, which he had never seen before, Cullen realized his back had hit the bed. The crude wooden legs creaked and swayed.

Kiyen climbed on top of Cullen. Spreading his wounded wings chillingly, he lunged and pinned Cullen down. Grasping his wrists tightly, he positioned himself between Cullen’s legs and pressed his body against him menacingly.

“If you want to repay your debt that badly, then try it.”

Kiyen growled like a beast in an enraged voice. At this moment, he truly seemed like a beast. His unstable aura, sharpened pupils, and bared white teeth were threatening.

Lying down, Cullen calmly looked up at him. The force pinning him down was too strong to escape. At least Kiyen’s strength hadn’t changed much, which brought a sense of relief. This was true even in such a threatening situation.

Cullen remained still, not even resisting. Seeing this, Kiyen moved roughly. He removed the hand that had been pressing down on his arm and pulled at his clothes as if to tear them. Yet, Cullen didn’t budge. He merely lowered his eyes as if to endure, forcing his expression blank.

Then, Kiyen’s movements stopped.

He, who had been about to tear Cullen’s clothes and ravish him, stopped without touching him further. Only the sound of breathing echoed quietly, and after a short while, Kiyen slowly withdrew. He released his wrists, which had been pressed so hard that blood circulation was cut off, and stood up. His wings slowly folded.

Only then did Cullen lift his head and meet his gaze. Kiyen’s face was shadowed by the silhouette cast over him, but his eyes, accustomed to the darkness, finally saw Kiyen’s expression.

Kiyen, with a blank expression, was crying.