By Zephyria For a moment, Ashley didn’t react. Koi was curious about his expression, but he held back and hugged Ashley even tighter.
It was the first time he had spoken about that day. Forcibly recalling the memories of that day, which he had been trying so hard to forget, Koi closed his eyes tightly. Hoping that his courage wouldn’t disappear, and desperately hoping that Ashley wouldn’t hate him for it.
“My whole family was in the car together… I was playing with my brother… My brother and I were sitting in the back seat with our seatbelts on…”
He took a trembling breath and continued.
“I don’t remember exactly. I was probably excited or annoyed at the time. I grabbed my brother’s seatbelt and we were arguing, and I unbuckled his seatbelt.”
The arms holding Ashley trembled. But Koi didn’t let go, he held him tighter.
“I didn’t mean to, but I don’t know. My mom turned around to warn us, and then suddenly a truck hit us from behind…”
At the memory of that moment, which came back vividly, Koi stopped talking. His mother’s screams and cries seemed to be ringing in his ears.
“I injured my head and lost my sense of smell, and my brother died.”
After confessing in a trembling voice, he opened his eyes. Taking a deep breath, Koi slowly released his arms. Ashley also stood up and looked at him. The sun had already set and darkness was falling around them.
In the dim light of the early moonlight coming through the window, Koi mustered up the courage to speak, seeing Ash’s complex expression.
“Mom and Dad fought all the time after that… Mom left home, and Dad has been drinking ever since. Mom, when she left, she told me…”
It took even more courage to put her words into his own mouth. Koi squeezed his hands together so hard that his fingertips turned white, and confessed as if squeezing his vocal cords.
“She said she wished you had died instead.”
Koi didn’t dare to check Ashley’s expression and hung his head. Looking down at the floor, he continued.
“Dad hits me when he’s drunk after that. He says I look a lot like Mom… He gets angry when he sees my face. …He wasn’t like that when my brother was alive. Dad didn’t drink that much, and he didn’t hit us either.”
I’m sorry, brother, I’m sorry, Mom, Dad. I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry that I’m the one who survived.
“Our family was shattered because of me.”
Koi whispered in a fading voice.
“That two dollars from before… The one I always carry around, it was from Mom.”
He continued to confess.
“That’s the only thing I have that’s related to Mom. Dad tore up and burned all the pictures…”
But he always calls Mom’s name when he’s drunk.
“So I think it’s only natural that Dad hits me.”
“There’s no such thing as it being natural to hit someone, even if it’s your father.”
Ashley said for the first time. Hesitantly raising his head, he saw his face distorted with displeasure. He didn’t know if it was because of his words, but Koi’s heart warmed.
“Thank you.”
His nose tingled and he quickly sniffled. He refused Ashley, who was trying to raise his hand to wipe his cheek, and Koi opened his mouth.
“This is the first time I’ve told anyone this.”
Ashley frowned at his forced smile.
“…Why are you telling me this now?”
Ashley asked, holding back the urge to hug Koi, feeling sorry for him.
He wanted to hear Koi’s story, but not like this. He thought he would bring it up naturally in a calmer atmosphere, after they had shared more intimacy.
There must be a reason why Koi was suddenly telling him his story like this.
Ashley couldn’t ignore the ominous feeling. Instead of hugging him, he held Koi’s hand tightly. Koi’s hand, which was submerged in his large hand, was so small and insignificant. Koi, who had been silent with his head bowed, took a trembling breath and opened his mouth.
“Your father, the secretary.”
It’s strange. Koi thought as he listened to his own voice. For some reason, the sound felt distant and foreign, as if someone else was speaking. Even though he was speaking, it didn’t feel like it at all. Watching his own tongue move as if it were someone else’s, Koi continued.
“She said it’s a delusion that I like you.”
At that moment, the hand holding Koi’s hand stiffened. Koi continued, still with his head bowed.
“She said that because my father doesn’t like me either, and you’re the only one who likes me, I’m deluding myself. That I don’t actually like you, and that’s why I’m not Manifesting.”
“What does that woman know?”
Ashley couldn’t help but blurt out roughly. He was speechless and furious that such a thing had happened while he was unconscious. Who did she think she was, how could she say such a thing? What did she even know about Koi?
“You’re the only one who likes you, what kind of nonsense is that? You know it too. Bill, Ariel, everyone likes you. They wouldn’t hang out with you if they didn’t.”
Ashley, who had said that much, added without forgetting.
“Of course, it’s true that I like you the most out of all of them.”
“…Thank you.”
Koi raised his head and gave a forced smile. Seeing his face, which looked like he was about to cry again, Ashley couldn’t take it anymore. Ashley immediately reached out and hugged him, whispering.
“Don’t hold on to such nonsense. You’re the only one who knows your feelings, right?”
“Yeah.”
“You really like me, don’t you?”
“That’s right.”
Koi nodded at the question he asked again.
“You’re the only one for me.”
“Then that’s enough.”
Ashley said, stroking Koi’s back.
“Don’t get hurt by the words of people who don’t know anything and spout nonsense.”
“…Yeah.”
Koi answered this time as well, but couldn’t help but open his mouth.
“It’s true, Ash. I like you.”
“I know.”
“It’s not that I can’t Manifest because I don’t like you.”
Koi couldn’t calm down easily even with Ashley’s calm voice. He continued quickly.
“I don’t know either, why my body is like this. Could it be because I can’t smell? So I’m insensitive to your Pheromones? Maybe something’s wrong with my head. Something must be broken, yeah, that’s it.”
A suppressed sob rose up and Koi bit his lip and released it, blurting out with a rough breath.
“It’s my head that’s wrong, not that I don’t like you.”
“I know.”
Ashley tried to suppress the rising anger and opened his mouth as calmly as possible.
“It happened to me too. That you’re not Manifesting because you don’t like me, because you’re rejecting me.”
He wanted to find that woman right away and make her pay for hurting Koi like this, but Koi came first.
His face, which had turned pale as he stopped Ashley before he lost consciousness, wouldn’t leave his mind. He tried to suppress his emotions as much as possible so that Koi wouldn’t be surprised, and instead tried to lower his voice in a gentle tone.
“It’s ridiculous. If you could stop Manifesting for that reason, what would Mutation be?”
He added it as a joke, but it was true. Even his father had Mutated into a ‘Gamma’, which was the most resistant to Pheromones. Besides, such cases were not uncommon. Moreover, a Beta resisting the Pheromones of an extreme Alpha? Just with his heart?
What kind of bullshit is that?
“Me, too.”
Koi muttered, gasping for breath.
“If I, too, had Manifested like you.”
“That’s not true.”
Ashley cut him off without hesitation. Koi was right. Part of his brain was damaged in the accident, so he wasn’t responding to Pheromones. Wasn’t that a really good thing for Koi? That he didn’t have to go through this kind of awful thing. Thinking of himself, who was constantly swept away by Pheromones, it was a relief. It was better if Koi didn’t know how painful this was. Even if Koi never understood him, that was better.
Just me is enough.
Ashley repeated to himself. It’s enough if I’m the only one who’s this miserable.
“You don’t have to prove your feelings by whether you Manifest or not. It’s okay, I know.”
He stroked Koi’s back and kissed his ear.
“You know it too, right? That we like each other.”
Koi, who had been silent, nodded slightly.
“I know.”
“Then that’s enough.”
Koi didn’t have to know forever how painful it was to suppress Pheromones, how hopeless it was to live with this pain for the rest of his life, and how afraid he was that these Pheromones would drive him crazy. Ashley would never tell him either.
Koi already had a lot of weight on his shoulders, and he didn’t want to add his own weight to it.
I can’t say it.
Ashley vowed. I will never say it.