By Zephyria 
I thought I had already forgotten it. I couldn’t possibly remember an old doll that I had lost forever when I was just over ten years old. When I count how many repetitions I’ve been experiencing since the morning of my seventeenth birthday, it’s been a long, long time since I last hugged that doll.
But no. When I saw the small, crumpled caramel-colored bear doll, it was as if I had been playing with it just yesterday, in an instant, really in an instant. The familiar touch, the weight, the smell…….
“Ah……”
It was as if someone had opened my blazing head and poured oil on it. The oil of longing was burning not only in my head but also in my bursting chest, my tongue that couldn’t utter a word, and my strangely tense stomach……. I don’t know, it felt like it was burning all my internal organs and limbs at once.
I didn’t cry. Instead, my eyelids became so sore that they stung.
“How, how did you get this…, there’s no way, there can’t be the same doll……”
It was an old gentleman who smelled faintly of ink when I got close, and whose rough calluses on his forehead felt so wonderful when he stroked my head once in a while, who had bought me the small caramel-colored bear doll.
Noah Hamilton’s, no, my kind grandfather, whom I had given up and buried in my memory as if I couldn’t live without forgetting him…….
I had a hunch from the first time I was adopted into this house. I exist as a substitute for the precious young master that the elegant Countess lost. I shouldn’t cry anymore because I miss my grandfather, and I shouldn’t even hint that I had other family members besides the Hamilton Count and Countess and the young masters.
Because the father and mother I had for the first time were so warm. Because the moist cakes and crispy cookies that were piled up in front of me as soon as I blinked were so sweet. I easily turned away from longing when I was young. But I still thought about it sometimes. When the weather got cold, I thought of the old man’s hacking cough, and on days when it rained cats and dogs, I missed the warm touch that would quietly give me a corner of the blanket because he was afraid that his only grandson would be scared.
Whenever that happened, instead of shouting out the name I missed, which I shouldn’t say out loud, I would hug this ugly bear doll, which was the last trace I had left. The curly fur of the doll was always messed up because I hugged it too often, and the already crumpled features of the doll became uglier and uglier as the days went by. But that was okay. That’s why it was good. That ugly caramel-colored bear doll was more precious to me than anything else in the world.
I knew instinctively. The Countess, my mother, was very unhappy with my only friend. So, as the days went by in the Count’s residence, the number of times I took out the doll hidden deep in the closet gradually decreased. I had to somehow smuggle the doll out of my mother’s sight. I couldn’t let her know it was precious. If there was anything that hindered me from identifying myself as the youngest son of this house, my mother wouldn’t let it go.
Then one day. I regained the memories of my past life like a thunderbolt. My mind was all confused. No matter how much I had the ego of an adult, my body was still just an underdeveloped child. And how unfamiliar were the System and game notification windows that flickered in my vision.
I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t fall asleep without hugging the bear doll. I kept wanting to cry even on sunny days. I thought I was taking out the doll without being seen by the Countess or the other family members, but after all, how skillful could a ten-year-old’s hand movements be? I can’t say for sure at what point, but one thing was certain. Before I celebrated my eleventh birthday as Noah Hamilton, my mother gave me a cup of warm milk full of honey and said kindly.
‘Noah. Noah should only play with ‘Noah’s’ things. Shouldn’t you?’
‘Oh, Mother, I was wrong. I won’t take it out again. I’ll just keep it. Really, I can promise. It’s all my fault, Mother, Mother!’
‘Don’t worry. Instead of this dirty thing with all the seams coming undone and the fabric rotting, I’ll buy you as many new, white, and cute dolls as you want.’
‘Mother! No, I don’t want to. I was wrong, I was wrong…!’
‘Tsk, where did you learn to cry and whine like that? Our Noah wouldn’t do that, would he?’
And with that gentle hand that had been stroking my head, my mother threw the small caramel-colored bear doll directly into the fireplace where the firewood was burning, right in front of me…….
‘Now, ‘Noah’. Shall we go have a snack together with Mommy? I’ve ordered them to bake a lot of your favorite cheese cookies.’
It was a gentle coercion. I wasn’t even allowed to cry my heart out. So… so this absolutely, no matter how identical it looked… couldn’t be that teddy bear. Hadn’t it burned to ashes before my very eyes, without leaving a single thread? Unlike my devastated insides, the sound of the firewood crackling peacefully still rang so clearly in my ears.
“…Take it.”
With a bizarre expression that was neither crying nor laughing, I could only feel my lips trembling. Frederick, on the other hand, looked as if he was about to cry, and tried to crumple the doll into my arms. If I opened my mouth, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to control myself at all. Not even daring to guess what I couldn’t control, I shook my head repeatedly and stumbled backward.
“I, I don’t want it, ah, I won’t take it, I won’t.”
Not a single tear still flowed, but strangely, my breathing became rapid. The voice squeezed out of my constricted vocal cords sounded shockingly awful even to my own ears. Frederick’s face was already covered in tears. It was as if he was crying the tears I couldn’t shed for me.
“I’m sorry, Noah. We…, our family, to you, what did we do…”
The huge man, who looked like a great mountain, collapsed in front of me. He knelt before me like a sinner who had decided to obey, and dropped hot tears. Still offering me that ugly teddy bear with one hand.
“I know we did something unforgivable, so please take it. I won’t tell you to forgive me. Just, this only…, just take this. Noah.”
“I don’t want it, I won’t take it, I won’t.”
Moisture finally began to form in my panting breath. I became a ten-year-old child again in an instant, leaping over all the harsh years because of just one teddy bear that appeared before my eyes. I became the insignificant adopted child in front of the fireplace, constantly begging for forgiveness for fear of losing a friend again. Had there ever been a time when I realized my worth in this mansion as desperately as that day? I can say with certainty that none of the barbed words and harsh oppressions Andrew threw at me before I realized his love for me gave me a bigger shock than the fireplace that day.
“I’m scared, Freddy…. I clearly saw it all burn away with my own eyes…. What if, what if it’s different after I take it?”
“Noah.”
“If it’s just another doll that looks similar on the outside, uh, then, I, what do I do… I don’t want it, I don’t want to take it, I’m scared, I’ll just look at it, I’ll just do that…”
The feelings of resentment toward him were the emotions that nineteen and twenty-one-year-old Noah Hamilton had. The ten-year-old, who had only Freddy to rely on in the mansion, showed his vulnerable inner self to him without any hesitation, without even the awareness that he should be wary. Showing the hot, swollen, painful wound and crying. It was something I couldn’t do now, but the ten-year-old, who had only Freddy to trust, was able to do it.
Frederick crawled closer on his knees, grabbed my leg, and sobbed without making a sound. His lips kept moving. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry… Not even knowing what he was sorry for. Not even knowing who the person who really needed to be sorry was.
Eventually, I held the ugly teddy bear Frederick gave me tightly in both hands. Holding it in my hands, I knew more clearly. This was indeed a different doll that only looked similar. My first friend, as I remembered it, didn’t have such a luxurious and soft texture. The heavy weight in my hands was also completely different.
“See… it’s different after all…”
A burst of laughter escaped. The tears that poured down over my lips, which were smiling like a madman, were lukewarm.
“I’m sorry, I should have made it more identical. I don’t remember much more than that.”
“You made it yourself?”
“…Yes.”
It looked so identical on the outside that you really couldn’t tell, so he must have tried as hard as he could. There was no way he could have done this alone with his skills, which seemed useless except for swordsmanship.
“Really?”
“Actually, I got a little help from Allen…”
Frederick said in a trembling voice. He didn’t realize that bringing Kyle back to the capital without thinking and appointing him as my escort knight would make me uncomfortable. It was only after he was summoned by Andrew and scolded after the appointment that he realized he had made a mistake. So, he wanted to give me a special gift to remember for my birthday, though it was nothing in comparison. To that end, he asked for help from the servant who was serving me closely at the time. That servant happened to be Allen, and he really didn’t know that Allen happened to be his real brother.
“Nicole was there too. But why… was it Allen?”
“You idiot. I wanted to surprise you, but I knew that if I asked that guy for help, he would tell you right away.”
“…”
“I knew you were upset, but I endured it, just thinking about surprising you later. But suddenly Allen said he was my brother, and the situation changed too quickly. In the meantime, I missed the timing.”
If I didn’t have the memories of the many Iterations that had already passed, I would have misunderstood Frederick without knowing it, and I would have hugged his shoulders tightly, saying I was sorry. I would have certainly done so after realizing the sense of responsibility and guilt he felt for Allen.
But the problem was that, according to the scenario, I and Allen were in a clear binary opposition…
“Young Master! Young Master Frederick! Where are you? Young Master Allen is looking for you!”
“Ah… Sorry, I think I have to go for a bit. Let’s talk again. All misunderstandings are resolved, right? Huh?”
“…”
“Noah.”
Until now, Frederick had always chosen the latter when faced with a situation where he had to choose between me or Allen.
“Okay. Go ahead, Frederick.”
I clenched the very impressive birthday present Frederick gave me in my hand and bravely wiped away my tears.
“I’ll gratefully accept the gift. But I don’t need things like this anymore, so you don’t have to give them to me in the future.”
Frederick will not choose me. Then… I don’t need to humor him any longer either. Or I can force him to choose me, even if it means forcing him.
“I’m telling you to stop interfering in my affairs. Do you understand?”