S#5

* * *

The quiet car was filled with a heavier atmosphere than ever before. Neither the man in the driver’s seat nor the man in the back seat opened their mouths. In the suffocating silence that made it hard to breathe, the man in the driver’s seat glanced at the rearview mirror.

“…….”

“…….”

The person visible in the mirror was none other than Ji Hyeon. With his eyes lowered, lips tightly sealed, he sat still with his arms crossed, staring into empty space. If he was going to be like that, he might as well get some sleep, but he hadn’t moved an inch from that position for dozens of minutes already.

‘At this rate, he’s going to kill someone.’

The man gripping the steering wheel, CEO Byun, thought to himself. If Ji Hyeon could emit killing intent, he would have been crushed by it and ended his life long ago. It was ridiculous enough to be playing chauffeur at his age, but having to tread carefully around his own actor made him feel utterly frustrated.

But what could he do? This was also the karma of having taken Ji Hyeon under his wing. If he was going to kick him out, he should have done it long ago, but by coddling and appeasing him, he had ended up here.

Still, he had been relatively quiet lately……. CEO Byun thought so as he recalled what had happened yesterday.

‘CEO, this is Gwak Eun-ho.’

He had received the call just after finishing a business golf game and heading back to the office. He had sweated a lot and was considering just going home when his work phone rang. The caller was Manager Gwak, who spoke calmly in his usual blunt tone.

‘I came to the company to speak with you, but you weren’t in, so I’m calling.’

He wondered why the guy, who usually contacted him beforehand (and who rarely came unless called in the first place), had shown up without any notice. Barely suppressing an inexplicable sense of unease, he went to the company, and the topic Eun-ho brought up was like a bolt from the blue.

‘Due to personal circumstances, I intend to step down as Ji Hyeon’s manager.’

‘Well…… what?’

He was so shocked upon hearing those words. That kid had finally caused trouble. The thought that what was bound to happen had finally arrived made his head spin. His vision darkened, yet conversely, his mind became sharply alert.

‘I apologize for acting irresponsibly.’

It had been a full seven years. The period during which Eun-ho, who was supposedly a high school friend, had stayed by Ji Hyeon’s side, catering to his whims. It was astonishing enough that he had endured that hellish temper to this extent, and he had even effortlessly handled the role of a restraint, which hadn’t even been expected, for several years.

It was a situation where he couldn’t even dare to scold him for lacking responsibility. Yet, Eun-ho, with a face full of shame, pulled a resignation letter from his pocket and held it out.

‘I will leave after completing the handover.’

In a way, it was inevitable. They couldn’t assign just anyone to an actor of Ji Hyeon’s caliber, and among the trustworthy people, there were no spare personnel. Trying to hire someone new through interviews posed a problem with Ji Hyeon’s remaining schedule. So, there was no choice but to have him handle the remaining tasks until a replacement could be found.

‘Well, yes……. Eun-ho, you…… must have had a really hard time.’

But CEO Byun also had a conscience. If even ‘that’ Gwak Eun-ho was quitting as manager, it meant Ji Hyeon had done something seriously wrong. He couldn’t possibly tell him, “It’s inconvenient if you quit right now, so please stick around for just one more month.”

‘Uh, first, get some proper rest…….’

What should he do? His mind had never worked so frantically in his entire life. Of course, that didn’t mean his conclusions were brilliant. The more he racked his brain, the more he felt like crying, and the very last thought that came to him was, ‘We’re screwed.’

‘Well, for the time being, I’ll accompany Ji Hyeon myself…….’

So, CEO Byun pleaded with Eun-ho, saying he’d give him a few days off and asking if he could reconsider just once (he wanted to sound as businesslike as possible, but by the end, he was practically begging). He nearly ended up saying he’d send Ji Hyeon away and that Eun-ho should stay, but he barely managed to regain his composure and swallowed those words.

However, the answer Eun-ho gave back was simply this:

‘I’m sorry. I can’t do it anymore.’

‘…….’

He heard the sound of the sky collapsing from somewhere. Simultaneously, the very last words he had been about to utter were blocked by a wall of conscience. Words like, ‘He can’t manage without you,’ or ‘I can’t manage without you.’ Phrases that would prey on the guilt of the soft-hearted Manager Gwak.

‘Thank you for everything until now.’

I’m sorry, thank you. Words he hadn’t heard in 25 years from that so-called affiliated actor could be this despairing. So, this is all a CEO can say. Having concluded that, CEO Byun, with a feeling of resignation, asked one remaining thing.

‘……Does Hyeon know you’re quitting?’

‘…….’

Had his carelessly thrown question touched a nerve? Eun-ho couldn’t answer for a moment. Before he could even read the emotion that fleetingly arose, a blunt voice answered a beat late.

‘Yes, he knows.’

If that’s the case, what more is there to say? After all, it was Ji Hyeon who had brought Eun-ho on as manager in the first place.

Right then, Eun-ho returned all the car keys he had and left the company. Even in the midst of that, he didn’t forget to meticulously hand over the remaining schedule for Ji Hyeon as documents. There’s no one as competent as this guy. Along with that regret, what surfaced was anger directed at Ji Hyeon again.

‘This damn kid, I should just……!’

This wasn’t a matter of one or two days; there was a limit to how much he could overlook. Whether as the agency CEO or simply as an adult, he felt that, even belatedly, he needed to correct that attitude. No matter how many incidents he had caused so far, Manager Gwak quitting was truly an irreversible event.

So today, CEO Byun, while going to pick up Ji Hyeon, organized in his mind what he would say. Things like, ‘What the hell did you do this time that made that good kid quit being manager?’ and ‘Didn’t I tell you to cut it out?’ He arrived at the house fully prepared to express the anger he had built up from his core.

But the words that actually came out when he saw Ji Hyeon get into the back seat were these:

‘……Are you okay?’

‘…….’

He had an expression that looked like he could kill someone on the spot. The area under his eyes was sunken and lifeless, but his gaze was sharp and fierce, suggesting that if provoked wrongly, one might incur serious wrath. In CEO Byun’s experience, in situations like this, if anyone even touched him, it often led to big trouble.

‘Do you want to take the day off?’

‘…….’

Ji Hyeon didn’t answer and just turned his head away as if he didn’t want to talk anymore. Now that he looked, aside from being in a sensitive state, his complexion wasn’t very good. Whether it was from lack of sleep or just his condition. Probably both, but it wasn’t a good sign.

‘Or maybe we should go to the hospital.’

CEO Byun asked in a tone that sounded genuinely concerned, as if he hadn’t been angry at all. The call from Eun-ho had been yesterday, meaning he had become like this in just one day. Well, he still had his fundamental looks, so it wasn’t an unsightly appearance, but the problem was that he seemed likely to do something that shouldn’t be seen by others.

Come to think of it, a very long time ago, Ji Hyeon had been in a state like this. When was it……. Ah, yes, it was when he had returned from a film shoot in Hong Kong. Back then too, he had managed his schedule while constantly being on edge, like a time bomb about to explode.

‘I’ve taken all my medication. Even the antidepressants.’

‘……Huh?’

Ji Hyeon spoke to CEO Byun, who had been lost in reminiscing about the past, in a nonchalant tone. Thanks to all the vocal training and whatnot he had done since childhood, his voice sounded plausible even when speaking without force.

‘I said I’ve taken all my medication. I’m going to sleep, so don’t talk to me.’

‘…….’

If he had really taken all that medication, he should be going to the hospital for gastric lavage. Thinking that, CEO Byun nevertheless silently started the car. Because he knew that if there was no answer the first time he asked, the moment he asked a second time, Ji Hyeon would start acting crazy.

But…… if he said that, he should at least pretend to sleep. What’s with staring wide-eyed into space the entire way to the filming location?

“……Hyeon-ah.”

When the car stopped at a traffic light, CEO Byun could no longer hold back and called out to Ji Hyeon. He expected to be ignored, of course, but Ji Hyeon just lifted his eyes and looked at CEO Byun in the rearview mirror. It was a rather impure gaze, but he was satisfied that he had gotten a reaction.

“Don’t take my words the wrong way……”

“If you think I might take it the wrong way, then you shouldn’t say it.”

“…….”

This damn kid. For a moment, CEO Byun, who had flared up, made an effort to act maturely and control his anger. Because he thought that getting angry now wouldn’t solve anything. At least they weren’t in a state where communication was impossible, so he had no choice but to try talking calmly first.

“If possible, you should apologize first.”

“…….”

“Manager Gwak quitting…… it must be because you two had a fight, right?”

Fortunately, there was no particular reaction to the carefully broached topic. He had turned his head away again, but that didn’t mean the conversation was cut off.

“Hey, honestly, where else would you find someone as hardworking as Eun-ho?”

CEO Byun also knew Gwak Eun-ho. What kind of childhood he had had, what hardships he had endured at twenty, what his family situation was like, why he couldn’t go to college. He hadn’t heard it from Eun-ho himself; he had mostly pieced it together from things Ji Hyeon let slip.

“Without him, even managing your schedule is tough. Do you think it’s common to find someone who sticks by you that much while catering to your whims?”

Anyway, whatever it was, the fault must lie with Ji Hyeon. As far as CEO Byun knew, in their relationship, the problem was always Ji Hyeon. Not only when he was working as his manager, but also encompassing their high school days when they were friends.

Except for that one time when Eun-ho had disappeared without a word.

“For now, I won’t process the resignation, so if possible, contact him first and……”

“Uncle.”

It was a call that sent a chill down his spine. CEO Byun, who almost slammed on the accelerator, gripped the steering wheel tightly. Coincidentally, the traffic light had just turned green, so CEO Byun, calming his startled heart, started the car.

Whether he knew he had almost endangered his uncle’s life or not, Ji Hyeon just asked in a low voice.

“What did he say to you, Uncle?”

“…….”

This kid only calls me ‘Uncle’ when he absolutely needs to.

If he had asked, ‘What did he say to you, CEO?’ he would have ignored it, but asked like this, he couldn’t bring himself to pretend not to know. Even otherwise, Ji Hyeon had always been CEO Byun’s sore spot. That’s why, even while vowing to get angry, he could never properly scold him.

“Don’t you know his personality that well……. He just said he had personal circumstances and was quitting. I didn’t even ask for details.”

Even if he had asked for the reason, he probably wouldn’t have gotten a proper answer. Manager Gwak, being inherently a man of few words, didn’t bother making excuses for things that weren’t necessary.

“He didn’t badmouth you, so don’t worry about that……”

“He didn’t badmouth me?”

Abruptly, Ji Hyeon cut him off. He even heard a short laugh, but it wasn’t one of joy. Naturally, the following words were the same.

“Fuck, that bastard, to the very end……”

It was a tone that was hard to tell if he was annoyed or feeling wronged. He wasn’t happy that he hadn’t been badmouthed; on the contrary, he was scowling as if to say, ‘Why on earth?’

“……What did you fight about that made it come to this?”

CEO Byun let out a thin sigh and asked the part he was most curious about. After all, when kids fight, adults should step in. It was a thought that came naturally, even though they were guys already twenty-nine years old. If he could mediate, he wanted to do so before it was too late.

“I said to him……”

Ji Hyeon immediately opened his mouth as if he had been waiting for that question. But unlike the readily flowing beginning, the rest of the words didn’t come out for quite a while. After moving his lips and furrowing his brow, Ji Hyeon spat out another frustrating statement.

“What does it matter if Uncle knows that?”

“Hey, you little brat! Can’t you see I’ve been driving since the crack of dawn because of you? Shouldn’t I at least know the reason!”

Finally, CEO Byun couldn’t hold back any longer and shouted angrily. He wasn’t making fun of anyone here; if he was going to be like this, why did he start speaking as if he was going to tell him? He found it ridiculous that after calling him ‘Uncle’ and setting the mood, he was now acting like it was none of his business.

“Hyeon-ah, what is really wrong with you……. Clearly, you must have said something wrong again. Or maybe you did something wrong.”

He thought it was highly likely both, but he gave him options first. Half of him hoped that he had only messed up one of the two.

But Ji Hyeon answered in a subdued voice.

“I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“…….”

He felt a sense of déjà vu. It felt like he had had this conversation before. When was it……. Was it already over ten years ago?

‘Why are you acting like this in the CEO’s office?’

It must have been when Ji Hyeon was in his third year of high school. The guy, who usually never showed his face, had holed up in the CEO’s office right after school and started reading a script. After watching for a while, it got on his nerves, so when he asked why he was doing that, without even looking at CEO Byun, he had started speaking.

‘Uncle.’

‘…….’

At that time, CEO Byun, who was drinking coffee, almost sprayed the liquid in his mouth like a mist. Because him calling him ‘Uncle’ was something that didn’t happen unless it was a fairly serious matter.

Sure enough, Ji Hyeon casually brought up a rather significant problem.

‘I got into a fight with a kid in my class.’

‘What, you punk?’

At that moment, the sky truly seemed to turn yellow. The one thing he had asked when sending him to school was, ‘Please, don’t cause any trouble.’ There was no way Ji Hyeon didn’t know that, as a celebrity, even the slightest misspoken word could follow him like a label.

‘Are you out of your mind? What if an actor gets into a fight with a friend!’

‘……Friend?’

At the loudly shouted exclamation, Ji Hyeon frowned and asked back. Uh-oh, it was a sign he was going to act prickly, saying, ‘Why would I be friends with such a bastard?’ His personality was just rotten. The moment CEO Byun tried to correct him, surprisingly, Ji Hyeon meekly lowered his eyes.

‘Friend…….’

It was a slightly different reaction than expected. The newly changed beginning was also the same.

‘……I got into a fight with my friend.’

‘…….’

How touching was the feeling he had felt back then? It was similar to when he had held the newborn Ji Hyeon in his arms. My nephew finally has a friend! Well, kids can fight a bit amongst themselves. Thinking that, everything just felt like a cute prank.

‘Okay, so what did you fight about with your friend?’

So, CEO Byun asked the question not as a CEO, but as Ji Hyeon’s uncle. Ji Hyeon frowned at the attitude as if treating a child, but soon moved his lips slowly in a gentle tone.

‘He came back after getting hit a bit by his boss at work……’

‘What? What bastard hit a high school student?’

Just hitting an adult would get you cursed at, but he hit a high school student? At CEO Byun’s angry retort, Ji Hyeon said nothing for a while. Then, suddenly, he gritted his teeth and crumpled the script he was holding.

‘Fuck, my words.’

The menace in his demeanor was so intense that even the innocent CEO Byun flinched. CEO Byun finally calmed his voice.

‘First, calm down…… so?’

‘But that bastard is the one who pays him, so he just took it.’

‘……Ah, geez.’

It was a statement that shattered one’s backbone just hearing it. How hurt must the young kid have been? At that age, putting up with that kind of thing would surely give him an ulcer. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how that friend’s parents must have felt.

Whether CEO Byun clicked his tongue or not, Ji Hyeon continued with a sulky face.

‘I said to him, “Are you going to sell your body too if they pay you?” and he grabbed me by the collar.’

‘…….’

Ah…… what should I do with this precious damn kid?

He thought it was just a minor argument born of a hurt heart, but he had dropped a massive bomb and was acting like this here. He wanted to curse and ask where he learned such language, but the source was so blatantly obvious that he couldn’t even bring himself to ask.

‘……Hyeon-ah.’

So, CEO Byun, making an effort to stay calm, called his nephew. As an adult, he thought about what would be good to say.

But the answer his so-called nephew gave him was like this.

‘Why are you calling me in such an unpleasant way and acting crazy?’

‘…….’

He couldn’t just punch him. If he were around nine years old, he might have been able to scold him somehow, but at nineteen, he had just grown bigger and more scattered. Well, if he had been nine, they wouldn’t have been in a relationship where he could say such things anyway.

‘Go and apologize properly to your friend. Say you’re sorry for misspeaking.’

It was a thought that if you did wrong, you should naturally ask for forgiveness. He thought Ji Hyeon would obviously know this much.

‘I don’t know what I did wrong.’

‘……What?’

So when Ji Hyeon said that, CEO Byun looked at him with a genuinely dumbfounded expression. Even if he was a guy who lacked social skills, he never thought he would be so lacking in common sense. Even if he didn’t go to school, no… even if he didn’t have any friends.

“You’re saying you don’t know what’s wrong with what you just said?”

“Are you taking me for a fool? Do you think I don’t know I spoke like a dick?”

Fortunately, Ji Hyeon immediately retorted with an angry tone. Just as CEO Byun was feeling relieved, he swept back his hair and let out a deep sigh. As if he didn’t know how to explain it.

“It’s not that… I just don’t know exactly which part is wrong.”

It was an ambiguous statement. CEO Byun waited for him to organize his thoughts. Not long after, Ji Hyeon opened his mouth in a slow tone.

“I don’t know if it’s wrong that I said that… or if it’s wrong that I got angry at him. Or if it’s wrong to be angry there in the first place.”

He was about to tell him that the last part wasn’t wrong, but Ji Hyeon continued without giving him a chance.

“If it’s all wrong, then what am I supposed to do there?”

“……”

“The more I think about it, the more I think, ‘He’s the one who got hit, so why am I getting angry?'”

He sounded genuinely wronged. The distorted face was something rarely seen except when he was acting.

“He said the same thing to me. He asked if I was going to talk like that. He said, ‘I’m the one who got hit, so why are you making a fuss?’ He said, ‘You’re just a guy who makes money selling his face, so what gives you the right to talk trash?'”

“……”

That friend of his has quite the temper. Well, seeing as he grabbed him by the collar, he probably didn’t just stand there and take it. He thinks he did well to refrain from throwing a punch.

“I know I spoke like shit, but I think I’d say the same thing even if I went back. I’m just so pissed off, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to say, ‘Oh, good job’?”

Ji Hyeon said that and finally threw the script he was holding. The script, which was lying on the table, was crumpled to the point where it was hard to recognize what it was.

“The CEO there is just an old geezer. But what does a big guy like that say after getting beat up like an idiot? ‘I have to put up with it because they’re paying me’?”

“…Is your friend big?”

“No, he’s just as tall as me!”

Since Ji Hyeon was in the mid-180s, his friend was quite tall too. At least, it meant he wasn’t the type to get beat up easily.

“But his face was bruised… Ah, fuck. Thinking about it makes me angry again.”

Breathing heavily, Ji Hyeon covered his eyes with one hand. His slowly rising and falling shoulders seemed to show how angry he was.

“……He’s such a pushover.”

Honestly, it was the first time he’d seen him this angry. He was always sensitive and difficult, but that was mostly closer to annoyance than anger. He was just expressing light irritability in a big way, not this uncontrollable emotion.

“What do you mean put up with it…? Then that means he’ll put up with it next time if they pay him. Fuck, I could pay that much money too.”

“…Don’t say that to him, even by accident.”

CEO Byun, who suddenly felt dizzy, hurriedly stopped him. At that, Ji Hyeon immediately removed the hand covering his face and glared at CEO Byun. Even when he had a blank expression, he looked gentle, but when he deliberately hardened his expression, it had its own kind of force.

“Why would I say something like that to him?”

It was as if he was saying, ‘How can you say such bullshit when I just went and said something much worse?’ Ji Hyeon closed his eyes tightly, then opened them and chewed on each word quietly.

“I know, I shouldn’t say things like that.”

“……”

“I know, but…”

Why could he hear the unspoken words? What am I supposed to do then? I’m so angry and pissed off, how am I supposed to deal with these feelings?

“……”

It was a tangled thread that had been going on for a long time, too long for him to dare to fathom. The background he had grown up in, from one to ten, was all wrong for CEO Byun to intervene. What could he say to a guy who didn’t even know these basic things to fulfill his responsibility as an adult?

“Hyeon-ah, you were just worried.”

“……”

“And upset.”

When he said that, Ji Hyeon frowned, his eyelids twitching. He looked puzzled, as if he couldn’t properly understand CEO Byun’s words.

“Anyone would get angry and sad if something unfair happened to someone close to them. That’s natural.”

Was the problem that he didn’t have enough people to interact with? Maybe the problem was that he had only lived as an actor since he was a child. He was only nineteen years old and had played all sorts of roles, but he hadn’t even properly enjoyed his own life, and that’s how this mess happened.

“But you can’t just say anything you want just because you’re angry.”

He doesn’t think Ji Hyeon doesn’t know this obvious truth. Even if he was slow at addition, he was smart, and he was the type to memorize even a script just by reading it a few times.

“Did you really say that because you thought your friend was going to sell his body or something?”

“…… Kwak Eun-ho wouldn’t do that unless he was crazy.”

So the friend he fought with was Kwak Eun-ho. CEO Byun had heard the name before. ‘He’s about the same height as Kwak Eun-ho,’ ‘Kwak Eun-ho has those sneakers too,’ ‘Kwak Eun-ho writes well,’ ‘Kwak Eun-ho wouldn’t do that, why do the other guys smell like sweat?’ He had heard it a few times in passing like that.

“See, you were just being sarcastic as a way to vent your anger because you were pissed off.”

“……”

“There are things you can say and things you shouldn’t say. You should be able to tell the difference.”

In fact, about half the people in the world are bad at that. If you can maintain your reason even when you’re angry to the point of losing your mind, then that person is probably Buddha or Jesus. Of course, that didn’t mean he was going to defend Ji Hyeon’s slip of the tongue.

“Most of the things you can’t say on TV are things you shouldn’t say in real life either.”

In case he asked how to tell the difference, CEO Byun spoke first. He’s been in front of the camera since he was a child, so he thought he’d be able to tell the difference.

Of course, it was advice that didn’t take into account the environment he grew up in.

“Then I’ll have to live like a mute.”

“……”

“The only thing I could say on TV was to brag about my parents.”

It wasn’t sarcastic, and it wasn’t annoyed either. The calm voice, as if he was just stating a fact, was nothing short of a kind of guilt for CEO Byun. Seeing CEO Byun, who had unknowingly closed his mouth, Ji Hyeon asked in a flat voice.

“Anyone would get angry and sad if something unfair happened to someone close to them?”

He couldn’t answer. It was because Ji Hyeon chuckled and muttered before he could answer.

“But why didn’t anyone do that when I was wronged?”

“……”

“I’m not blaming you, so don’t make that face. I’m just really curious.”

Ji Hyeon, who had swept his face with one hand, let out a thin sigh. He leaned forward and ruffled his hair nervously.

“I’ve never been like this before, but I can’t control my emotions when I’m with him. I feel like I’m going crazy.”

No, even so, that’s a bit dangerous. CEO Byun, who belatedly felt a sense of crisis, asked cautiously.

“Is that Kwak Eun-ho… by any chance, is he a girl?”

“Are you kidding me? I told you he’s as tall as me!”

No, there could be a girl as tall as you. Well, it didn’t really matter if he wasn’t a girl.

“That’s how it is at that age. You fight often and get angry over nothing. But what can you do? You’re friends, so you have to make up again.”

To be honest, Ji Hyeon was a bit broken. He had left him alone until now because he couldn’t handle it, and he just wondered if he could fix him even a little bit since he had brought it up. As far as CEO Byun could presume, there was no way he could completely cure Ji Hyeon on his own.

CEO Byun didn’t even ask if he had apologized afterwards. He just thought that he must have made up somehow, since he kept talking about ‘Kwak Eun-ho’ a few times after that.

But after a long period of silence, he was repeating a similar process now, 10 years later.

“How can you not know what you did wrong? You’re not nineteen, you’re twenty-nine, you idiot.”

Yeah, he was barely a minor back then, so let’s just say that’s why. He’s not even old enough to do that now. There was a problem with a guy who was going to be thirty next year not even knowing what he did wrong.

“I spoke like trash.”

Unexpectedly, Ji Hyeon readily admitted it. So it was a slip of the tongue this time. As soon as he thought that, a gentle voice continued.

“Ah, I acted like shit too.”

“……”

He was hoping that only one side was wrong. Unfortunately, he was a guy who didn’t disappoint his expectations. Well, if he had done at least one thing right, Manager Kwak wouldn’t have quit.

“But I did it because I didn’t know. If I had known, I wouldn’t have said at least the last thing, fuck.”

The words spat out with profanity were a raw outpouring of anger. He wasn’t grinding his teeth like before, but the low, sunken voice sounded even more ominous. While CEO Byun was choosing what to say, a slightly more excited voice popped out.

“Why doesn’t he tell me anything?”

“……”

“Why do I have to not know him every time?”

The question filled with injustice was closer to a question he had for himself, not CEO Byun. The frustration of why he had to not know Kwak Eun-ho itself.

He had no idea what that last thing was, or what Ji Hyeon didn’t know about Eun-ho, but there was one thing he was sure of.

“Hey, not knowing doesn’t excuse you.”

If it wasn’t wrong to do something without knowing, then what in the world would be wrong? Usually, people who say such things use their ignorance as a means of rationalizing their wrongdoing.

“The people who are cursing you on the internet are all doing it without knowing. If you don’t know, you shouldn’t say anything. Why are you saying things carelessly when you don’t know?”

“Well, President, you’re saying things carelessly right now without knowing either.”

“Ugh, this guy is really…!”

CEO Byun, who was suddenly angry, frowned. If he wasn’t driving, he might have quit everything right then and there and left. Why was the road so congested today? Even though he left early, it was already cutting it close.

“……You really need to fix your personality. Before you regret it later.”

“You’re saying the same thing as Kwak Eun-ho. He told me to fix my habit of making a fuss before I regret it later.”

Ah, he told him to speak properly, didn’t he? Ji Hyeon, who added that, said in a monotonous voice.

“I know. I know that I was venting my anger, that I shouldn’t have said such bullshit, and that Kwak Eun-ho was very patient with me. I know enough without you telling me that I acted like a crazy old man, Uncle.”

As expected of an actor, his pronunciation was perfect and his intonation was good. If you didn’t think about the content and just listened, it felt as sweet as turning on the radio.

“Yeah… It’s always me who’s the problem.”

Was it just his imagination? Those words sounded quite subtle. The emotions mixed in without him knowing were close to an indescribable self-deprecation. But before he could point that out, Ji Hyeon leaned back against the backrest with one hand covering his eyes.

“That’s why I don’t know what I did wrong.”

“……”

“There are too many things I did wrong.”

The man on TV said. “Hello, this is Ji Hyeon’s Manager Kwak Eun-ho.” The audience’s cheers were heard, followed by a joke from one of the MCs. The next scene was Ji Hyeon, who was buried in his blanket, getting up and going into the bathroom.

“……”

Ji Hyeon stared intently at all those scenes without even blinking. He sat on the sofa, leaning forward, with a thin cigarette in his mouth, and spaced out endlessly. After holding the smoke in his cheeks until they were hollow, he trembled his eyelids and exhaled the hazy smoke.

-What are you making?

-Tomato and egg stir-fry.

It had only been a few days ago, but it felt like years had passed. That day in that kitchen when Kwak Eun-ho cooked, they ate together, and they even went to the hair salon together. Kwak Eun-ho, who had given in to his ridiculous insistence that he would only be staying for one day, even though he had a fed-up expression.

‘I’m going to quit being your manager.’

“……”

The ashtray on the table was already full of cigarette butts. There was an empty pack of cigarettes, a white plastic pill bottle, and a cell phone next to it that wouldn’t ring.

Ji Hyeon blinked his dry eyes as he shook the cigarette ash into the ashtray. It had already been several hours since he had finished all his schedules with CEO Byun and returned home. He had done his workout and shower as usual, but even though he had taken sleeping pills, he couldn’t sleep even a wink. When he closed his eyes, his mind became even clearer, and he felt the fact that his surroundings were quiet too keenly.

-Isn’t that my hat?

-Then whose hat would it be?

-……You’re very confident.

So he turned on the TV. He didn’t mean to hope that a rerun of ‘My MaeSo’ would come on, somehow, with any kind of sound. He didn’t intentionally stop moving as if possessed by Kwak Eun-ho’s face filling the screen.

-What genre do you want to film next?

Didn’t he say he would look good in a prosecutor’s uniform? He knew that he had jokingly told him to try being a prosecutor since he had been a lawyer, and that he was serious. Kwak Eun-ho, who was always serious, would never say anything empty if he could help it.

‘Because I’m the gay bastard you fucking hate, that’s why.’

Then he should have said that sooner. If he had, he wouldn’t have said the word disgusting. He wouldn’t have said the words ‘Ji Hyeon’s manager is a gay bastard,’ he wouldn’t have said anything that would have driven him crazy.

“……”

No, it was just bullshit. It was a pathetic rationalization, and nothing more than a ridiculous self-defense. As soon as he realized it, he was looking for an excuse, and in his haste, he was blaming others for the cause. He didn’t even understand his own actions that day, so he was making excuses like this in an attempt to find a reason.

‘I don’t know what I did wrong.’

Saying he didn’t know what he did wrong didn’t mean he didn’t do anything wrong. He just really didn’t know what he did wrong. He had no idea how he should have spoken to avoid doing wrong.

‘You fucking bastard, are you going to talk like that?’

It was the same that day. When he was a senior in high school. That day when that model student came with a big bruise on his face. The moment he was forcibly dragged to the nurse’s office and confessed in his unique calm voice that he had been hit by the CEO.

‘I’m the one who got hit, so why are you making a fuss, you bastard!’

It was the first time he had seen Kwak Eun-ho get angry. It was also the first time he had been grabbed by the collar and the first time he had fully received someone else’s anger. If the place had been a classroom or a hallway, a picture would have been taken immediately and it would have become a controversy on the internet.

That’s right, why did I do that?

He didn’t know how many times he had thought about it. Why did I say those things, what should I have said, why did I feel that way at that time? Was I really crazy and felt that kind of anger even in a situation where I shouldn’t have gotten angry?

‘Hyeon-ah, you were just worried.’

“……”

‘And upset.’

He didn’t understand everything his uncle had told him. The part he didn’t understand the most was that everyone would be angry and sad in that situation. The voice that had calmly told him that as if it was natural still lingered in his ears.

If so, why didn’t anyone get upset back then when he was hit by his father? When he had a big bruise on his face, was the saying that he shouldn’t hit an actor’s face actually a concern? When his mother committed suicide, maybe the act of putting him in a mental hospital was an expression of anger and sadness.

‘See, you were just being sarcastic as a way to vent your anger because you were pissed off.’

Those words pierced him more sharply than anything else. He was angry because he was pissed off, and he couldn’t deny the fact that it was directed at the innocent Kwak Eun-ho. He had ruined everything with one word and was acting stupid because he didn’t know how to undo it.

‘That’s how it is at that age. You fight often and get angry over nothing. But what can you do? You’re friends, so you have to make up again.’

He realized that Kwak Eun-ho was a ‘friend’ after hearing his uncle’s words. Just a classmate, a guy sitting next to him, a handsome guy who was a civilian, a guy who was very tall, and just… just Kwak Eun-ho. He had always called him that until now.

He told him to make up because they were friends, but his uncle didn’t tell him how to make up. He told him to apologize properly, but Ji Hyeon didn’t think that was a very good way. Not that the apology was wrong, but the part where he was only apologizing.

How wonderful would it be if all wrongdoings could be forgiven with an apology? Then, when Mother died, Father could have been absolved with a single word of apology. There would have been no need to conceal all the evidence to receive a not-guilty verdict, nor to go to the trouble of silencing Ji Hyeon.

I pondered and pondered and pondered, and a whole day flew by. Not being able to sleep was commonplace, so that was fine, but the problem was that I couldn’t find a suitable solution. The worst part was that I only had the morning to meet Kwak Eun-ho because I had a schedule in the afternoon.

“…Are you okay there?”

Then I remembered the moment I first met Kwak Eun-ho. That one-sided first meeting that Kwak Eun-ho didn’t remember. The sight of him bringing medicine and water from the nurse’s office and leaving it next to Ji Hyeon, who was suffering from a twisted stomach.

On the way to school, I bought some ointment. The kind that could be applied near the eyes and helped with bruises. The pharmacist said I looked like his daughter’s favorite actor, so I said I didn’t know who that was and left the pharmacy without looking back.

Fortunately, the classroom was empty, and Ji Hyeon left the bag of medicine on Eun-ho’s desk and waited for him to come.

“……”

“……”

Eun-ho, who arrived late, didn’t say anything as he looked at the bag of medicine on his desk. He glanced at Ji Hyeon, but I couldn’t tell what kind of look it was.

Ji Hyeon kept watching him, and only after Eun-ho sat down did he cautiously call out to him.

“Hey.”

“What.”

Fortunately, Eun-ho didn’t ignore Ji Hyeon. He answered casually and simply took out the ointment from the bag and read the instructions. “You even bought something expensive.” I still remember him muttering that.

“…I’ve never had anyone I could call a friend until now.”

Ji Hyeon suddenly brought up that story without any preamble. Eun-ho’s face, which finally turned to look at Ji Hyeon, was still bruised blue. I felt a surge of anger again, but I tried to suppress it and calmly continued.

“You’re the first. Making a friend at school.”

Was this the right thing to say? I thought that, but I tried talking anyway. It wasn’t a proper apology, and he probably didn’t see it as a sign of reconciliation. The truth was, I should have said I was sorry, but I couldn’t muster the courage to say the words that were stuck in my throat.

Eun-ho was quiet for a long time, then replied calmly as if he had heard all sorts of things.

“I figured.”

“……”

Anyway, he was a very unreserved guy. He didn’t make empty promises, didn’t pretend, and didn’t say flattering things just to sound good. I was relieved by his unadorned words, perhaps because Kwak Eun-ho’s unique calmness had rubbed off on me.

After that, Eun-ho put the ointment in his bag without saying anything else. I was about to ask him why he wasn’t applying it, but Eun-ho spoke to Ji Hyeon before I could.

“Grandmother applied medicine for me this morning.”

Grandmother even applies medicine. When Ji Hyeon was hurt, it seemed like the coordinator was the one who applied the medicine most of the time. Or sometimes Father’s secretary. But even that was only a handful of times.

“……What did Grandmother say when she saw it?”

“What would she say?”

Eun-ho replied a little brusquely to my question, which I asked without realizing it. His tone was somehow apologetic, and so was the next thing he said.

“She’s just upset.”

“……”

Uncle’s words were true. There really were people who were sad and upset by the injustice of those around them. A family that didn’t just vent their anger like me, but even applied medicine in a mature way.

Ironically, the feeling I felt at that moment was unpleasant. To be exact, the kind of unpleasantness that meant I could never go back to not knowing that fact. The ominous feeling that I could no longer just brush off unfair things that happened to me as I had before.

I realized later that it was jealousy. The Grandmother that Eun-ho occasionally mentioned was too unrealistic a family for Ji Hyeon to hear. That kind and warm person, who only existed in dramas and movies, was by Kwak Eun-ho’s side.

“……Is that so?”

I barely managed to hold back the words “That’s good.” It was my pride, my minimum of reason, and my awareness that it could be seen as arrogance. People say I have everything, so how dare I be envious of someone?

“I’ll use the medicine well.”

To Ji Hyeon, Eun-ho said casually as he opened his textbook. He added without looking at Ji Hyeon.

“Sorry for grabbing your collar.”

“……”

All I brought after worrying and worrying was just ointment. In the face of his natural apology, as if it were ingrained in him, all of that felt pathetic. I was sorry. It was ridiculous that I couldn’t say just that one word, “I’m sorry,” and instead made the lame excuse that it was the first time I’d made a friend.

But what could I do? I’m just a person who was born this way. I wasn’t taught anything from birth, so how could I know how to care for and cherish someone? The only thing I was good at was screwing over that CEO bastard.

I swear, I wasn’t trying to wield my personality as a weapon. I wasn’t trying to humiliate Kwak Eun-ho, and I wasn’t really trying to make him angry.

It’s hard to say it myself, but I was really careful after that. If I repeated the same mistake again, Kwak Eun-ho might really get tired of me this time. I couldn’t use the excuse that I was clumsy because it was the first time I’d made a friend two or three times.

“Hyung, I’m sorry…”

Yes, I had been careful for ten years.

“Could I get your number?”

Damn it, it was those bastards who didn’t know their place who were the problem. I was a little nice to them, and they quickly developed feelings and tried to express them. Kwak Eun-ho was just kind to everyone, but I felt so annoyed that they had expectations from that kindness that my stomach twisted.

“Damn it, seriously…”

It was a strange feeling I had never felt before. My stomach was burning as if I had swallowed a ball of fire, and it felt like my vision was turning black. I couldn’t bear the momentary anger that surged up, just like when Eun-ho came with a bruise on his face.

“It’s not something to be proud of, liking guys…”

I had also been rumored to be gay in the past. It was because I had never had a dating scandal, but it was a ridiculous rumor that caused me subtle stress. It was even more so because the guys who believed the rumor would try to flirt with me without knowing their place.

So, wouldn’t Kwak Eun-ho feel the same way when something similar happened?

“Be careful, Eun-ho. Don’t be so nice to everyone without any backbone.”

No… I admit it. I shouldn’t have said it that way. I knew that saying those words in a sarcastic way, pretending to care, was no different from venting my anger. Nevertheless, I couldn’t hold back my raging emotions and blurted out whatever came to mind.

“That bastard’s a gay, right? What if he gets attached to you because he likes you?”

Just imagining it made me suffocate. What was I so angry about? I still don’t know the reason.

I thought that the direction of my anger was a little twisted to say that I was just afraid of the gay rumor. I wondered if it was a sense of disgust that I had unknowingly harbored, but when I found out that Kwak Eun-ho was gay, I wasn’t unpleasant at all.

It was anxiety. More precisely, it was a sense of crisis. The feeling of my foundation collapsing that I felt when a comet-like rookie appeared or when my work did poorly.

The obsession I felt when Kwak Eun-ho, who was endlessly generous to me, treated others the same way.

-If you could describe Kwak Eun-ho in one word…

“……”

-A unique existence.

Why aren’t I unique to you?

Even if it was an absurd question, I had never forgotten it for a moment. There are times when I feel so unfairly resentful that Kwak Eun-ho is unique to me, but I am not unique to him. Even though I treat him casually, when he draws a line, I am suddenly filled with inexplicable emotions.

“I’m your Manager. I said that because I was worried about your condition and I was worried that it would affect your work.”

Even though he acts so sweet and tender, as if he would give me his liver and gall bladder. Even though he showed the care to buy a different kind of hand cream every time I said I didn’t like scented ones. When I’m not feeling well, he stays by my side silently, but as soon as I act a little spoiled, he turns his back on me coldly and leaves.

Should I be grateful that he’s my Manager, or should I be sad that he’s only my Manager?

I’ve been an actor since I was a child, even before I can remember. I officially debuted at the age of four, but even before that, I had appeared on various broadcasts with my mother. Even my days as a newborn were immortalized on social media, so hasn’t that already said it all?

So, there were many people who saw me as an actor. It means that even Kwak Eun-ho didn’t have to do that.

-Hello, I’m Kwak Eun-ho, Ji Hyeon’s Manager.

Ji Hyeon kept watching “My MaeSo” over and over again. As soon as the rebroadcast ended, he turned on the replay, and when the replay ended, he went back to the very beginning again. Eun-ho getting into the car, parking and getting on the elevator, and preparing a meal after coming home.

-How would you like your hair done?

-Don’t cut it too short…

Now, the scene of them visiting the shop was playing on TV. Unlike Ji Hyeon, who was blankly staring with an indifferent face, Eun-ho was seriously discussing his hairstyle with the designer. Ji Hyeon, who couldn’t stand the boredom, told him to do whatever he wanted, but he was ignored with a single word to wait quietly.

「Q. Do you have a girlfriend?」

-No… I don’t. A Manager always has to be by the actor’s side, so I don’t have time to meet anyone. When we go into broadcasting, the schedule is really packed, and even when we’re resting, I mostly spend time with Ji Hyeon.

It was a perfect answer as a Manager. If he didn’t have time, then Ji Hyeon wouldn’t have time either. I remember thinking that Kwak Eun-ho’s interview skills were better than mine, and watching with interest. Of course, that interest was shattered by the answer that followed.

-There is someone I like.

“……”

What should I call the feeling I felt at that time? Betrayal, or disappointment. If not, resentment for the fact that there were still things I didn’t know about Kwak Eun-ho. Or resentment for the fact that he didn’t tell me.

What if he leaves me when he gets another person? Ji Hyeon was always anxious about that fact. If I didn’t hold him back under the guise of being a Manager, it felt like he would disappear without a trace like he had sometime in the past. Even that reunion that day was a coincidence, not intentional, and if he left again, I might not even be given that opportunity.

“Are you jealous?”

No, why would I do something like that? What would I do with that kind of immature emotion that I might have had when I was a child, feeling it for Kwak Eun-ho of all people?

“Listen to your mother, Hyeon-ah. Those people are all just saying that because they’re jealous of you.”

“Ah……”

I must have taken too much medicine. Memories that shouldn’t be remembered kept filling my head because my head was spinning. A voice that shouldn’t be heard rang in my ears, and at the same time, my stomach churned as if I had eaten something wrong.

“……”

“Breathe, slowly.”

Ji Hyeon covered his eyes with one hand and took a deep breath. This torment that came every night usually got surprisingly better after the sun rose. Or it got better just by having someone by my side, and that person was only Kwak Eun-ho.

“Ji Hyeon, look at me.”

So I told you not to go.

I asked him several times if he could stay over, but the number of times he actually granted that request was very few. What was so good about the empty house, that he stubbornly went back home and didn’t come back until the next day?

At times like that, Ji Hyeon would lie on the living room sofa and wait endlessly for Eun-ho. Even though I thought it was an abnormal wait, I kept listening for the sound of the front door opening. Enduring a night that felt like an eternity until the moment when I wasn’t alone.

“I’m going to quit being your Manager.”

But, even so, what should I do if he doesn’t come? If that door doesn’t open even if I wait endlessly. If I never get that opportunity again. If Kwak Eun-ho never comes back like this forever.

“Because I’m a gay bastard that you fucking hate, I am.”

I know that I have to apologize. I had to beg Kwak Eun-ho to stay, saying that I would never do that again, and that he should forgive me just once.

However, an apology basically comes with remorse and responsibility. I did this part wrong, so I won’t do it again from now on, and if the same situation happens again, I will act differently.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were gay. I won’t talk like that. From now on…

“……”

What do I do from now on?

“I told you to fix the way I act like a jerk.”

The thoughts that followed one after another never came to a conclusion. I have to know why I did it to not do it again. I can’t just say that I felt bad for no reason. If I apologize, he might accept it, but Kwak Eun-ho isn’t a pushover, so he wouldn’t forgive the same mistake twice.

「Q. If you could describe each other in one word?」

-If I could describe Actor Ji in one word…

Ji Hyeon stared blankly at Kwak Eun-ho on TV. Clear eyes without double eyelids, a masculine and prominent nose, and unusually blunt lips. And even the calm voice that came from there.

-He’s a benefactor.

“……”

-Because he was the one who gave me the most help when I was having the hardest time.

“……What benefactor.”

I chuckled. Kwak Eun-ho probably doesn’t know, but the kindness I showed at that time was never goodwill. It was just a selfish desire that came from a selfish heart. I thought it was an improvisation that I came up with because I felt like I had to hold on to him no matter what, and that I would regret it if I let him go now.

“Ji Hyeon.”

My head throbbed and ached. I wanted to take another sleeping pill, but I knew that it wouldn’t help me sleep. It would be nice to have a drink at times like this. But ever since Kwak Eun-ho got serious and angry, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Ji Hyeon lay down on the sofa with the TV on. The opening line of “My MaeSo” was playing on TV again.

An indispensable existence for stars, an existence that always stays by their side like a reliable support. The common phrase had never felt so poignant as it did today.

Ji Hyeon first saw Eun-ho 12 years ago, when they were seventeen years old. Ji Hyeon, who had been a celebrity since birth, was originally planning to go to an arts high school with a theater department. However, due to CEO Byun’s sudden change of heart, he entered a regular high school that ordinary students attended.

“You need to develop your social skills now.”

To be honest, it was ridiculous. It was already too late to pretend to care now. If he was going to talk about social skills, he should have sent me to school right after Father died.

Ji Hyeon didn’t go to kindergarten, and he hardly went to elementary school. His mother died when he was in the upper grades, and after that, he had to be confined to a mental hospital for several years. He was relatively free in middle school, but CEO Byun, who was afraid that Ji Hyeon would cause an accident, forbade him from saying anything except on set.

But now he wants me to make friends. I knew his intentions, but I was at a loss as to which tune to dance to.

As a result, CEO Byun’s plan was a failure from the start. First of all, Ji Hyeon hardly went to high school either, and there was no way he could make friends because he was putting up a wall and drifting around.

Besides, celebrities couldn’t be seen favorably by students in their sensitive years.

“Ji Hyeon’s such an asshole, isn’t he?”

It was on the way to the classroom after going to school early. Ji Hyeon was in class 9 of the first grade, so he had to walk to the end of the hallway that started with class 1. The voices that came out through the slightly open door were enough to make Ji Hyeon stop walking.

“I mean, that bastard never comes to school.”

“The teachers are so biased, too.”

It was a common occurrence. Cases where I was suddenly cursed at even though I hadn’t done anything. The reasons varied, such as pretending to be cool, or bringing expensive things for no reason, or not talking to them and acting expensive.

“Why, I still feel sorry for him. Don’t you know his parents died?”

‘Hey… how can you pity him when you know how much money he has.’

‘Yeah, honestly, which kid doesn’t have family issues? If I had a lot of money at home, I’d just endure it and live on.’

I could hear them giggling. Well, it wasn’t anything that would hurt me much. No matter what others said, I’d already heard it all so many times I was sick of it. Not having parents wasn’t something to be ashamed of for me; it was more convenient.

It was just that sometimes, very rarely, I got sick of all this.

‘Ji Hyeon had aphasia after his mom died, right? Isn’t that why his acting is weird sometimes?’

‘There’s also a rumor that he’s mentally retarded.’

I didn’t know about the latter, but the former was definitely a rumor. It wasn’t aphasia; it was just that his home and agency had silenced him to keep him from talking. They said it was for treatment purposes, but it was really to keep things from getting bigger.

‘He grew up without a mom, so that’s how he turned out.’

‘Not just a mom, he doesn’t have a dad either.’

As soon as I heard that, I grabbed the classroom door without hesitation. I was going to ask them, “Why did you turn out like that when you have parents?” CEO Byun would be shocked if he saw me, but he’d always clean up after me, so I didn’t care. Even if this caused a big problem, I wouldn’t care much either.

But just as I was about to open the door, a voice different from any I’d heard before cut into their conversation.

‘I don’t have a mom either.’

‘…….’

The curse words, full of pretense, stopped abruptly. The low, subdued voice was very mature for a high school student. As soon as someone asked, “What?” the same guy said in a blunt tone.

‘I don’t have parents either.’

It wasn’t a sarcastic nuance. He was just stating a fact, calm and without any agitation. And to top it off, he added one more thing.

‘I don’t think you should swear using that.’

There’s an unspoken hierarchy among guys. There are guys who get ignored even when they say the right thing, while there are guys who get praised even when they say the wrong thing. He hadn’t said anything wrong, but he definitely seemed to belong to the latter.

‘Hey… we’re just joking.’

Surprisingly, the topic of conversation changed immediately after that. They called out a name, Park Eun-ho or Kwak Eun-ho, and even added an excuse that they weren’t talking about him. There was embarrassment and shame mixed in with the awkward laughter, but no one got angry.

Up until then, Ji Hyeon didn’t think much of the student who had taken his side. No, actually, it was a bit ambiguous to say he had taken his side. He might have just really hated hearing those kinds of insults.

But thanks to him, he didn’t cause an accident, and CEO Byun avoided having a headache.

Ji Hyeon ran into him again one afternoon when he was feeling particularly unwell. He was about to go into the classroom, which was packed with people, and he felt so averse to it that he felt nauseous.

He didn’t want to run into anyone, so he hid behind the building, and someone readily approached Ji Hyeon.

‘…Are you okay?’

As soon as I heard the voice, I knew. It was that guy. Unlike other kids his age, his calm voice was hard to forget even after hearing it just once.

‘If you’re sick….’

Ji Hyeon covered his mouth and waved his other hand dismissively. He wanted to tell him to go away because he didn’t need help, but he couldn’t because he felt like he would throw up if he opened his mouth. If he got his picture taken, CEO Byun would nag him to death. Even saying he was sick felt like too much of a hassle.

Fortunately, the guy left quickly without saying a word. He doesn’t meddle unnecessarily. I was relieved to know that.

Yes, until the guy came back and put something next to him.

‘I got this from the nurse’s office; it’s medicine for when you feel nauseous.’

‘…….’

‘I’m going to go, so take it later if you need it.’

His clumsy honorifics changed to casual speech. I don’t know if he recognized Ji Hyeon or if it was just a change of heart. When I looked back at him, I only saw his back disappearing toward the building.

After that, Ji Hyeon ran into the student several times. Was it a coincidence, or was it fate playing a trick? It was usually when he was sick or not feeling well, and the guy silently took Ji Hyeon to the nurse’s office. But he never acknowledged him, so he thought he had a very considerate personality.

‘Don’t you know me?’

‘I don’t.’

‘…You don’t know me?’

I couldn’t believe he didn’t know who I was at all.

I guess my pride was hurt. More than the fact that he didn’t know I was an actor, I was more dumbfounded that he didn’t remember the previous five encounters. Even if he hadn’t seen my face properly, even if I was wearing a mask, even if we had met in different places each time.

Anyway, he was a strange guy, then and now. Kwak Eun-ho, who didn’t have a TV, a computer, or a laptop. Kwak Eun-ho, who carried around some old phone and solved other problems without complaining when it buffered. Kwak Eun-ho, who called me by the ridiculous title “Ji Hyeon-ah” and didn’t even bother to change it after he knew it was the wrong title.

And Kwak Eun-ho, who washed his hands with an indifferent face even after learning about my flaws.

‘It’s not like… it’s hurting anyone.’

‘…….’

‘It’s good to wash your hands often.’

It was the first time I’d heard such a thing after confessing my mysophobia. Most people would say that an actor shouldn’t be like that, or that I shouldn’t show it in front of others, or that it was a matter of willpower. Sometimes, when my condition changed depending on the day, I even heard a lot of distrustful remarks that it was all acting.

‘Ji Hyeon, what’s wrong?’

I remember his reaction when I had my first panic attack. I remember his rarely flustered face, unable to even touch me, and his fidgeting. I remember him frowning for the first time at his phone, which didn’t even have good search capabilities, and staying by my side without calling a teacher because I told him not to leave.

‘Look at me.’

The gym uniform he put over my head was overly cozy, and the gaze I met in front of me was so kind it was too much. Even though he didn’t even know what a panic disorder was, I felt grateful for the voice that whispered, having found a coping method somewhere.

‘Tell me three things you see.’

It’s already been several years since I was diagnosed with all sorts of conditions. It was the first time I felt so calm just by having someone by my side. It was also the first time I revealed my weaknesses without worrying about whether they would think I was weird or tell others that I was weird.

I thought he was comfortable. I didn’t have to be nervous when I was with him. I didn’t have to treat him like I was acting, worrying about whether bad rumors would spread. From the start, he didn’t expect anything from me, so he didn’t really get disappointed even if I showed him my true self.

‘Uncle, please postpone my schedule. I have midterms tomorrow, so I have to go to school.’

When Ji Hyeon said that, CEO Byun looked genuinely happy. He even packed him a bunch of expensive chocolates, telling him to do well on his exams. He told him not to eat too much because he had to take care of his body, but it didn’t matter because the chocolates would all end up in Eun-ho’s hands anyway.

‘What’s with the chocolates?’

‘I heard you eat these when you take exams. Isn’t that right?’

‘That’s true, but… you don’t even study, so why are you bringing this?’

His smiling face seemed better than most actors. I should smile like that when I get a cool role later. I was thinking that as I watched the corners of his mouth curl up. Kwak Eun-ho, who had a big, refreshing mouth, had a deep cave inside his mouth even when he smiled a little.

‘Thanks, I’ll enjoy them.’

I made a point of going to school even if I had to take time out of my schedule because I wanted to see his smiling face one more time. If there was something delicious, I would bring it for him, or if there was something good, I would buy two and give one to Eun-ho. Things that were trivial but that Kwak Eun-ho would find awkward to buy with his own money, like pencils, notebooks, earphones, or tumblers.

‘You’ve been coming to school a lot lately.’

‘…So you’re complaining?’

‘No, I like it when you come often.’

I think I had five NGs the day I heard those words. That’s why I couldn’t ask him what that meant, even later. It was even more so because I remembered confidently saying that I never had NGs.

‘I live with my Grandmother.’

The more time we spent together, the more I knew. The more I knew, the more I saw, and the more I saw, the more curious I became. Why he studied so hard, what his family situation was like, how many part-time jobs he had, and how he was treated there.

‘…Why are you working so hard when you’re a student?’

I don’t know how many times I thought, “Can’t I just give you money?” When he got hurt while working part-time, when he got beat up by that jerk of a boss and couldn’t even make an unfair expression, when he was more upset about not getting paid than about the crazy customers.

‘What about you?’

‘What about me?’

‘You’re a student, but you work hard too.’

I’m not a student, I’m an actor. Ji Hyeon almost said that, but he shut his mouth. Because if he said that, Kwak Eun-ho would probably say that he wasn’t a student, he was a part-time worker. There was no contradiction in his words, but if Kwak Eun-ho said that, he felt like his stomach would turn upside down.

As time passed, they became high school seniors. Luckily, they were in the same class, and they were able to be partners again because he was tall. They had a big fight at the beginning of the semester, but after a miraculous reconciliation, they seemed to be going back to their original relationship.

But around this time, a problem arose. After fighting once, things became difficult in many ways. The way he treated him, the way he spoke, the way he looked at him, and even the trivial titles.

‘Ji Hyeon-ah.’

Kwak Eun-ho was difficult. He was so difficult that he was even anxious later on. He calls me so kindly, but is it okay for me to call him Kwak Eun-ho? He’s so good at everything, but is it okay for me to only be good at acting? He’s going to go to college later, so where will we meet after we graduate from high school?

‘Movie shoot?’

‘Yeah.’

In the meantime, he got a schedule overseas. It was a movie shoot in Hong Kong, and the duration was expected to be at least three months. He heard that in October, so even if he finished as quickly as possible, he might not even be able to attend the graduation ceremony.

‘…I probably won’t be able to come back until graduation.’

Eun-ho didn’t show any particular reaction to the casually said words. He just told him to be careful and come back safely, as always, in a calm tone. There were times when he liked that calmness, but for some reason, he didn’t like it that day.

In fact, most of his emotions had been difficult since he met Kwak Eun-ho. There were so many feelings he was realizing for the first time that he didn’t even know where to start or how to learn about them. Even though he had acted out so many emotions that others had never felt, it wasn’t easy to solve even the trivial problems he faced in reality.

Yes, acting was ultimately a skill. The process of convincingly expressing the fictional emotions and characters created by the writer was acting. How many people’s hearts it touched was a measure of acting ability.

In that sense, Ji Hyeon had been living only as an actor since he could remember. Both in front of the camera and in reality. It was very easy to get people’s attention with a plausible appearance.

It was a simple story. Just as you don’t have to be a doctor to play a doctor, you don’t have to have starved from poverty to act out poverty. In a way, it was like a mathematical formula, so if an emotion you didn’t know came up, you could just find information or analyze a similar character and find the answer.

If that didn’t work, it was enough to go to the writer and ask questions.

‘What’s with the necklace?’

‘A birthday present.’

So if there was a writer, I wanted to ask. What is this feeling I get when I look at Kwak Eun-ho, this feeling of nausea? Why does even breathing become unnatural every time I face him?

And what is the name of the pain that clenches around my heart when he says something?

‘I thought you’d look pretty with a necklace.’

‘…….’

I’ve never been interested in necklaces like that. I thought dangling accessories were cumbersome and impractical.

‘It’s too cheap, so you can throw it away if you don’t need it….’

‘Are you crazy?’

I couldn’t believe how angry I was at the word “cheap.” Kwak Eun-ho was the one who said it, but I didn’t like that he was calling something Kwak Eun-ho bought cheap. I couldn’t even receive it because I was afraid it would disappear if I touched it, but when I heard that I could throw it away, I felt like the world was going dark.

‘Why would I throw this away?’

I’ve never given meaning to birthdays. The moment I celebrated October 4th, I felt like I had to remember my mother’s death anniversary as well. It was also because I didn’t want to remember the day I ate gas instead of cake anymore. But on top of that old memory, just one necklace made of metal added another memory.

‘Have a good time filming the movie.’

‘…….’

‘Don’t get hurt while filming action scenes.’

The moment I heard his blunt voice, my throat choked up helplessly. I didn’t need the movie or anything else; I just wanted to go to school with Kwak Eun-ho. I wanted to stay in the classroom instead of the film set, and I wanted to memorize the contents of the textbook instead of the script.

‘…Hey, you’re smart, right?’

But Ji Hyeon was an actor, and he was able to come this far because he was an actor. His father had told him that the only thing he could trust was his face, which resembled his mother’s, and that he would be useless if he couldn’t even act. He was living as an actor without any particular goals, but it was enough if he was good at at least one thing so that he wouldn’t be ashamed in front of Kwak Eun-ho.

‘Memorize it. 010…….’

Eun-ho was flustered by the sudden words, but he memorized the eleven-digit number safely with his smart brain. He was a guy with an amazing memory, so I didn’t think he would forget the number. Besides, with the last four digits being ‘1004’, it would be strange if he couldn’t memorize it.

‘Are you going straight to the airport?’

‘Yeah, because it’s a night flight….’

Because they had come out during lunch break, they soon returned to school while chatting about trivial things. His steps kept getting heavier, but Ji Hyeon forced himself to leave Eun-ho behind and got into the waiting car. As he watched Eun-ho standing in front of the wall for a long time, he thought to himself that he might be feeling the same way as him.

‘Hey, you should have told me sooner if there was a kid like that!’

CEO Byun, who was sitting in the driver’s seat, seemed to have scanned Eun-ho from head to toe in that short time. He kept looking back at him even as he started the car, asking where a kid like that had come from. Of course, Ji Hyeon replied indifferently with a nonchalant face.

‘I told you. I said the kid sitting next to me is better looking than the kids who are coming out these days.’

He had already said it several times, but he just didn’t listen. He had said, “Where’s a kid like that at your school? If there was a kid like that, the agency would have taken him already.” He had even said a bunch of ridiculous things like, “You just think he’s handsome because he’s the first friend you’ve made.”

‘Let’s make him an actor.’

‘No.’

Ji Hyeon refused firmly and stared blankly out the window. The school was already far away, so far that there was no trace of it. Maybe Kwak Eun-ho had already climbed over the wall and returned to the classroom.

‘He’s too good at studying, so no.’

Schools should be attended by kids like Kwak Eun-ho. Kids who are nice, have good grades, and work hard at everything. Not guys like me who have bad personalities, bad grades, and nothing to do.

‘And Kwak Eun-ho’s house doesn’t have a TV. Then his Grandmother won’t be able to see him.’

He said the reason he studied so hard was only because of his Grandmother. He wanted to go to a good university and get a job so that he could live happily with his Grandmother. But if he did something like acting, he wouldn’t have much time to spend with his Grandmother.

‘…Is that Kwak Eun-ho?’

‘Yeah, Kwak Eun-ho.’

Ji Hyeon, who had replied casually, leaned his head against the car window. He had put on the necklace he was holding as soon as he got in the car. He usually had severe panic attacks when he was on a plane, but today he had a feeling that he would be okay.

‘My friend.’

The first friend he had ever made and the first friend he had ever fought with. A decent guy who didn’t see his flaws as flaws and didn’t put him down for no reason. The only existence that had created clearer memories than ever before in a year and a half.

I should have stayed for the afternoon classes. Ji Hyeon thought, fiddling with the necklace. But later, he couldn’t even bring himself to touch it, fearing it might rust. He had never thought it wasteful for an object to wear out, but this object, not even worn out yet, felt excruciatingly precious.

‘Uncle, Eun-ho’s Grandmother will come to the graduation ceremony, right?’

‘She probably will. It’s her grandson’s graduation.’

Please let the filming end early, so I can see Kwak Eun-ho’s Grandmother on graduation day. It would be nice to greet her politely and go out for something delicious together. Or, maybe it would be awkward to intrude on their family time, so I might have to settle for just making an impression.

Was it a miracle brought about by that fervent wish? After about three months of filming, Ji Hyeon was able to get some time to return to Korea. He put on his school uniform for the first time in a while, and even bought a bouquet of flowers, feeling happy despite being a graduate himself, and attended the graduation ceremony.

However, until the very end of the graduation ceremony, Kwak Eun-ho did not show up at school.

At first, he thought it couldn’t be. Then, he thought there must be a reason, and finally, he thought he might have forgotten his number. He tried to rationalize it by saying it was bound to happen anyway, but there were also times when he felt an unknown anger and burst into resentment.

Why did he leave me?

He couldn’t shake that thought. But he couldn’t bring himself to blame him because, conversely, there was no reason for him not to leave.

He knew that Kwak Eun-ho had no obligation to him. He knew that being taken care of, being contacted, being considered a friend and being close to him were all undeserved treatment.

He can’t forget that day when he graduated all alone. Among all those graduates, he didn’t know that the absence of just one person, Kwak Eun-ho, would feel so empty. He was so frustrated that he couldn’t see his face, setting aside all the words he had been anticipating and longing to hear.

Then, it suddenly dawned on him. The emotion he had been feeling until now might actually be fear. The tightness around his chest, the occasional breathlessness when he saw him, might have been a vague anxiety about things gradually disappearing.

For Ji Hyeon, people leaving his side was as natural as breathing. He had few close people to begin with, but all the relationships he had encountered so far had eventually returned to being meaningless. So, it wasn’t difficult to rationalize that this was not a relationship that would last long.

‘…….’

Still, no matter what, just say one word. Where did you go, why did you go, when will you come back, and how should I wait? If you’re not coming back, at least tell me the reason for making that choice.

Because he couldn’t find a reason, he couldn’t find Kwak Eun-ho. He wanted to hire someone to search for him, but he felt like he would genuinely hate it and run away. He left because he didn’t like me, why would I look for him? If he said that, what could I possibly answer?

From twenty to twenty-one, and from the summer of twenty-two to the arrival of autumn.

The anger towards him turned into resignation, and the blaming words turned into self-reproach. He left the necklace, which he had only thought was precious, in a corner of his room, and then stared at it blankly all night without sleeping. Then, when he felt nauseous as if his stomach was turning inside out, he would clutch the toilet bowl for a long time without knowing what the lump of emotion was.

Would it have been different if I had made him an actor back then?

If I had written down the number instead of telling him to memorize it.

Instead of going to film a movie, I should have enjoyed the few months of school life that were left.

Around the time the period of separation exceeded the period they had been together, he always wore the necklace. It was an act close to a half-protest, because he thought that someday Eun-ho would notice it.

No matter how much he doesn’t search, he’ll see it once in a while. Then, for that brief moment, even if he’s busy, he should think of me. Then, wouldn’t there be a possibility that he might contact me out of an unlike whim?

Insomnia worsened, but panic attacks decreased. He no longer made mistakes while acting, and he threw up less often after only drinking water. His weight decreased and his health deteriorated, but he could manage to get by if he mechanically went through his schedule.

‘If you’re going to be like this, walk, you bastard!’

It wasn’t exactly intentional that he angered CEO Byun. He was just blankly spacing out and tried to get out of the car after seeing someone with a similar back view to Kwak Eun-ho. The car was just starting to move, and the fact that similar things had happened several times before might be the problem.

‘Where are you leaving your mind! Do you think the Manager is just there to clean up your messes?’

He understood. All of Ji Hyeon’s managers in the past few years had quit in less than three months. The reasons varied, but they were usually unable to handle the excessive schedule or Ji Hyeon’s unpredictable behavior.

Sometimes, CEO Byun, fearing that Ji Hyeon’s condition would be revealed, would replace them himself.

‘Do you even know how much the damages were for the contract you broke last time? It’s not like I can keep covering up your bullshit on set forever!’

Ji Hyeon also had something to say. He had simply said he wouldn’t do it because unreasonable demands were being repeated. He also didn’t like the way the director, or whatever he was, was grabbing and hitting the staff member’s head.

Shit, I hope Kwak Eun-ho isn’t being treated like that somewhere. As soon as that thought crossed his mind, he stormed out of the set.

‘If you’re going to act like that, quit being an actor!’

‘…….’

Instead of answering, he quietly fiddled with his necklace. Even CEO Byun was taken aback by the docile reaction and looked at him cautiously. Ji Hyeon, who had been blankly staring for a while, belatedly muttered to himself.

‘I should.’

‘…….’

‘There’s a way to quit.’

Why didn’t I think of that? If everything seems meaningless, I can just quit. Why did I hold on and struggle to live until now?

‘How much is the penalty for breach of contract…? How many years are left on the contract?’

He asked sincerely, but CEO Byun didn’t answer. He just told him not to have foolish thoughts and silently took him home. Ji Hyeon couldn’t bring himself to say anything to the words that he would pick him up tomorrow, so he should get some rest.

The night that followed was a war with sleep that wouldn’t come. When he took sleeping pills and lay down, he would inevitably hear voices that shouldn’t be heard.

It’s okay. Let’s sleep with Mommy for a little while. Our Hyeon-ah is a good boy. It’ll all be over when you open your eyes.

Why didn’t he go with his mother, just clinging to life… What good is a guy who can’t do anything?

Ji Hyeon-ah, are you okay? Look at me. Just a moment, I’ll go get the teacher. Stay here.

‘…….’

Which of the jumbled voices did he dislike the most? He could tolerate the buzzing in his head, but he couldn’t tolerate the fleeting scenes that came to mind. No matter how much he endlessly wondered how he ended up in this situation, the fact that there was nothing he could do to change it was overwhelmingly powerless.

Around that time, he learned that he could somehow fall asleep if he took alcohol and medicine together. When his mind went out like the power was turned off, he would have many dreams, but he would never wake up. Sometimes he would wake up in a hospital instead of his house, but after that, he would feel refreshed.

‘Let’s take a break from activities for a while.’

When CEO Byun said that, Ji Hyeon realized that he had really gone too far. The person who used to be anxious even if he rested for a little while was now recommending it with a very serious face.

‘Take a break from activities, and go to the hospital for counseling for a while. Or get hospitalized.’

Counseling, that’s all useless. I’m sick of being hospitalized and don’t want to do it anymore.

‘Why, do I look like a mental patient?’

‘Hyeon-ah.’

Even while speaking in a stern voice, CEO Byun had a worried expression. His complexion wasn’t good, so Ji Hyeon’s retirement remarks must have been quite shocking.

‘The hospital you went to when you were young was strange. I’ll ask around and find out…….’

‘President.’

‘…….’

‘You’re not just saying that as an uncle, are you?’

If you’re going to care for me, care for me properly. Or, if you’re going to send me to the hospital, send me sooner. Now that my acting career seems to be in danger, you’re trying to act like an uncle, who doesn’t know that?

Ironically, CEO Byun didn’t exactly make excuses. To be exact, he had nothing to say. No matter how much he cared for Ji Hyeon, the fact was that he had no choice but to worry about his life as an actor first. Being treated purely as a nephew was a consideration he didn’t even expect in the first place.

‘Don’t do things that don’t suit you and act like you always do. I’m not going to die like my mom.’

Thanks to the fact that he said it on purpose indifferently, CEO Byun fortunately didn’t drag it out any further. He tried to hide his hardened expression and swallowed the words to take a break from activities. Instead, what came out was a typical statement from the President.

‘……Your fans put up a Birthday Advertisement for you. Let’s go take a picture for authentication tonight.’

He pulled his hat down low and covered his face with a mask. He didn’t really care about Birthday Advertisements. But he knew that he shouldn’t ignore their sincerity. Even if that boisterous celebration was to make him forget his mother’s death anniversary. At the very least, he had to pretend to be grateful.

‘I’ll go alone.’

‘What? How are you going to take a picture…….’

‘I can take a selfie.’

When he arrived in front of the station, Ji Hyeon got out of the car and headed to the station before CEO Byun could stop him. He thought he would follow him right away, but surprisingly, CEO Byun didn’t get out of the car. He probably thought he should give him some time to be alone, even if only for a moment.

There weren’t many people at the station. Even those few people glanced at Ji Hyeon, but Ji Hyeon ignored everything and walked towards the electronic display board. He had heard the general location from CEO Byun, so he just had to find it and take a picture.

‘What’s so special about a birthday…….’

He had never been grateful for being born into this world. There was only one moment in his life when someone’s congratulations made him feel good. The necklace he’s still wearing under his clothes. Even that object, which could have been a good memory, has now become a shabby memory.

After today, he wondered if he should talk to CEO Byun. How about quitting altogether instead of taking a break from activities? Don’t raise a guy like me, and discover a new rookie who listens well. He’ll give you enough of the penalty for breach of contract, and if you need it, you can take all of my remaining assets, Uncle.

It wasn’t a conclusion he came to in a fit of anger. Ji Hyeon’s emotional fluctuations were not as great as he thought. The problem was that he was generally in a negative state, but he rarely made impulsive choices.

Yes, so I should really end it now. It was the moment he thought so and raised his head.

‘…….’

There were always many fans who came to see the advertisements, but the person in front of the electronic display board was particularly eye-catching. Was it because the other person was rarely a man, or was it because he was taller than the others? Or was it because he felt a sense of déjà vu somewhere?

The back of his head wearing a hat, a slightly worn-out T-shirt, and a bandage wrapped around his exposed arm. Even the back view of him holding a cell phone in his hand and staring blankly at the electronic display board.

‘Kwak Eun-ho?’

Did he call out his name at that time, or did he just repeat it once in his mind? One thing was certain, the moment he thought of those three letters, something he had barely managed to maintain collapsed.

‘You……!’

He remembers the moment he finally caught the illusion he had seen in his dreams every night. If it hadn’t been for the body temperature he felt in his palm, he would have dismissed it as definitely having gone crazy. A thrill ran through the eyes that met, and a clear different color appeared in the calmly sunken eyes.

‘Ah…….’

That sigh was like a death sentence. He couldn’t even breathe properly, and he couldn’t even blink his eyes. If this was a dream, he wouldn’t be able to endure the moment he woke up. If it was an illusion, he would have to pick up the shattered pieces of his heart with his own hands.

That memory that he had never been able to cover up for the past three years, the countless memories that he couldn’t even ask for an excuse for being busy, and until that cruel person called his name.

‘……Ji Hyeon-ah.’

Belatedly, he could breathe. Kwak Eun-ho was in front of him.

What should I say when I see him again? First, I need to check how he’s been, and then ask him why he disappeared without saying a word. I wanted to check everything, whether he had seen the movie I made, and if so, what he thought of it, or if he had ever heard about me in passing.

‘Hey, where are you going…….’

However, none of those many words came out of his mouth. He just held Kwak Eun-ho tightly and moved silently. He felt like something was rising from inside, and he felt like his patience was running out just by not lashing out on the spot.

Fortunately, Eun-ho silently followed Ji Hyeon without any resistance. At first, he asked where he was going, but when Ji Hyeon didn’t answer, he later even matched his walking speed. He probably seemed to be conscious of the people around him, but that action rather made him feel resentful.

He’s the type of guy who puts his own difficulties aside because he’s worried about someone else being in trouble. His consideration, which is ingrained in his body, is so kind, so what could be the reason for suddenly disappearing? If I really wasn’t worth contacting, then why is he being caught like this now when I’m holding on to him?

‘Get in.’

‘…….’

Even after putting Eun-ho in the car and making CEO Byun get out, Ji Hyeon continued to choose what to say in his head. In the end, all he said was one word, tell me. It was only natural that he got angry at the question that came back like that.

‘How have you been?’

‘…….’

Did you think I was doing well, I wanted to ask. Do you think I looked okay, how have you been?

There were only two reasons why he couldn’t do that. First of all, he was too disgusted by Kwak Eun-ho asking that, and the other was that he wasn’t confident in explaining why he hadn’t been doing well.

He had been doing well even after his parents, who had been with him since he was born, passed away. He would occasionally space out blankly, but he had never felt that living itself was difficult. Whenever he felt that everything was meaningless, he would just empty his head and move as he always did.

But for what reason should I say that I haven’t been doing well? What qualifications should I attach to the resentment towards him to make it valid? Even if I haven’t found all the answers to these questions, what should I do if I keep feeling hateful?

‘You’re a real son of a bitch.’

‘…….’

Even at the sudden criticism, Eun-ho didn’t get angry. He used to touch the back of his neck when he was embarrassed, but he couldn’t even do that at the harsh curse. The two eyes that were quietly lowered, the lips that were tightly closed, all of that was strangely tense the moment it reopened.

‘I’m sorry.’

Ironically, that one word made him feel better. He had always thought that smoothing things over with words was the worst, but the moment he heard those words, he felt like he had been compensated for the anger he had felt all along. As if he was saying that you can be angry, I was wrong.

‘What are you sorry for?’

‘…….’

‘Why do you do things you’re going to be sorry for?’

‘……You’re talking like a drama protagonist.’

‘Hey.’

At the questioning words, Eun-ho just laughed annoyingly. It was a small smile, but it felt quite different from when he was nineteen. The side profile of him leaning his head against the backrest and closing his eyes also now had a very masculine air.

‘……Ji Hyeon-ah.’

At that time, what was the reason why his heart sank? Even though Kwak Eun-ho was clearly in front of him, his mouth was dry with the increasing anxiety. This moment, which he had imagined so many times, was more uneasy than happy.

‘The day you went to Hong Kong, Grandmother collapsed.’

The words he told him were the reasons Ji Hyeon had vaguely imagined. He was too busy, too tired, and so he didn’t have the time, just those kinds of excuses. He had occasionally thought about it, but he knew it was a terrible assumption, so he stopped in the middle.

‘Don’t you have anything to say?’

‘…….’

When Eun-ho asked, Ji Hyeon looked at him for a moment. A face he had never forgotten for a single moment, a neck with a prominent Adam’s apple, and straight shoulders. Even the scars left on his arm exposed under the worn-out T-shirt and the hands full of calluses.

‘Why is your arm hurt?’

Why did he wrap a bandage around it? What kind of wound is under that band-aid? Did he get hurt while working, or was he beaten by someone, and did he just stupidly endure it again?

‘Just while working.’

‘What kind of work do you do?’

‘This and that…….’

He had no intention of just glossing over it with a vague answer. He felt like something was collapsing somewhere, so he wanted to get angry like he had done sometime ago. The feeling of his insides rotting away was something he could never get used to, no matter how many times he felt it.

‘……I work manual labor during the day and a night shift part-time job at night.’

Damn it, if you were going to disappear, you should have at least lived well. If you had gotten into a good university, made good friends, and gotten along well with your Grandmother, I would have at least blamed you to my heart’s content.

‘I don’t usually get hurt. I just made a mistake today.’

I could tell that was a lie just by looking at the small scars that remained. Still, it wasn’t this bad in high school, so it was obvious what kind of hardships he had gone through as soon as he turned twenty. Just imagining it made my stomach churn, and I felt like harsh words would come out of my mouth if I opened it.

‘……I don’t have a Manager right now.’

However, Ji Hyeon realized that he shouldn’t say anything out of concern. He also realized that even if he didn’t mean to be dismissive, his words could hurt the other person’s pride. Hadn’t he learned through his experiences with Kwak Eun-ho that if he was angry at seeing Kwak Eun-ho hurt, he should offer comfort instead of expressing anger?

‘Do you want to do it?’

Yes, in fact, he wanted to say something else. That he would just pay for the damn hospital bill. That he should quit that shitty part-time job right away and go to the hospital to treat his injured arm. That he shouldn’t endure it in such a crude way, and please, just ask him for help.

‘No, you do it.’

That was all he could say, and in a way, he felt powerless. Enduring and offering those words didn’t suit his personality, but he was convinced that it wasn’t the wrong approach since Kwak Eun-ho wasn’t angry. The moment he saw him trying to refuse with a sorry look on his face, he felt a surge of anger and anxiety.

‘You said you needed money.’

‘…….’

‘I need a Manager.’

Needed, my ass. Just a few minutes ago, he was thinking of quitting everything. He was going to take on all the work that came in and handle as much as he could, regardless of schedule management or anything else.

‘So, you should do it.’

That was the most persuasive thing Ji Hyeon could say. It was more of an impulse born out of desperation than an action entirely for him. Because if he didn’t do this, he felt like he would show up with more wounds again. No, the moment he got out of this car, he might never come back.

‘I’m really desperate.’

‘…….’

During the time he was gone, it felt like he was slowly drowning in seawater that had risen to his neck. At first, he didn’t even realize he was sinking, but by the time he did, it was already too late to escape. His suffocated breath had finally been released, and he couldn’t miss this moment, which was like rain after a drought.

‘……Is that so.’

‘…….’

‘Then I’ll be in your debt.’

He wanted to cheer. Because he had created an excuse, because a legitimate connection had been established, and because he didn’t have to worry about him leaving. Kwak Eun-ho’s face, as he spoke awkwardly, showed both apology and a slight sense of burden.

Looking at the necklace hidden under his clothes, he always had the same thought. What if, instead of receiving a gift, he had given it? If he had given him more, and Kwak Eun-ho had felt burdened because of it. Then, a sense of indebtedness would have held him back, and he wouldn’t have been able to cut off contact first.

So this wasn’t kindness, but a pretense born out of greed. It was bait to hook him, a pathetic trick he had desperately thrown out. A trick that would have been a worthless ploy if he hadn’t willingly taken the bait.

He wanted to sign the contract right away, but CEO Byun stopped Ji Hyeon. The reason he gave was that it was late, but he knew that it was because he didn’t trust Eun-ho. He complained that he didn’t know how to handle work and was hiring him as a Manager, expressing his dissatisfaction when Eun-ho wasn’t looking.

Of course, CEO Byun’s opinion didn’t matter. The company might be doing the hiring, but the choice was Ji Hyeon’s prerogative. If it didn’t work out, there was also the option of signing a personal contract without going through the company.

‘Don’t you dare run away again.’

‘When did I ever run…….’

It seemed he had a conscience, too, as he didn’t finish his sentence. Instead, he spoke calmly to Ji Hyeon.

‘I’ll contact you when I’ve finished wrapping up my work.’

‘You don’t know my number.’

If he knew how to contact him, he should have done it a long time ago. He didn’t even know he had a cell phone, so how was he going to contact him?

‘Did you change your number?’

But Eun-ho asked without changing his expression. He even took out his cell phone, saying he would give him his number. Ji Hyeon felt a strange sense of tension and replied to Eun-ho.

‘No.’

He couldn’t change it even though he kept getting prank calls. He felt like if he changed even that, all connections with Eun-ho would be severed. He had stopped waiting for his call after a year, but that was why he habitually checked his missed calls.

‘Then you know it.’

‘…….’

‘I still remember it.’

Should he admire his great memory, or should he feel sad that he hadn’t contacted him despite that?

If he needed money, wouldn’t he usually look for a place to borrow it? Even the Managers he had worked with briefly occasionally reached out. Some people even demanded money as if they were doing him a favor, since it was nothing more than pocket change to a well-paid celebrity.

‘……You’re a really strange guy.’

Come to think of it, Kwak Eun-ho had always been like this. He never asked for help and never wanted anything from him. Among the people who asked for this and that as soon as they became a little closer, he had never even asked what the filming set was like. He would willingly accept the things he gave him, but if they seemed even a little expensive, he would draw a firm line.

Why doesn’t he want anything? Why doesn’t he ask about anything, or even try to get closer?

Yes, he knew. How contradictory it was. It was even stranger that he was now feeling that the part he had initially thought was comfortable was strange.

But what could he do? Ji Hyeon was always curious about him. Shouldn’t he naturally show that much interest if he was his only friend? If the dryness Kwak Eun-ho showed was normal, how could he explain this sticky feeling he felt?

Aren’t you curious about me?

He couldn’t say those words in the end. Because he felt like if he said no, he would feel strange, and if he said yes, he would feel even stranger. He didn’t want to give up the peace he was feeling for the first time in a long time just to ask a complicated question.

‘Did you stop him from acting so you could make him your Manager?’

CEO Byun continued to feel sorry for Eun-ho even after the conversation was over. He kept trying to persuade Ji Hyeon to get him to act, saying it was a waste for someone with that face to be a Manager. Later, he even tried to persuade Eun-ho himself, but he firmly rejected CEO Byun’s offer.

‘I can’t do things like that.’

He was so relieved by Kwak Eun-ho’s firmness. If he had readily agreed, even stopping him would have been an overreach. He was a little dumbfounded when he said that celebrities were people like Actor Ji, but still.

In any case, Eun-ho turned out to be a very good Manager. He was so good that in just two months, CEO Byun was marveling at how well he had done in making him a Manager. He learned to drive quickly, managed schedules without difficulty, and, above all, was very good at handling Ji Hyeon.

No, to be exact, it was closer to Ji Hyeon putting on the brakes himself.

‘I’m sorry.’

He realized for the first time that it could be frustrating for someone to bow their head on his behalf. It was a situation where he had every right to be angry, but in the end, it was Kwak Eun-ho who apologized. To the director, or to CEO Byun. Or to the fans he happened to meet while passing by.

‘Why are you apologizing for that?’

At first, he was annoyed, but Kwak Eun-ho didn’t seem to feel wronged. He said it was his job, that a Manager should naturally do that. He bowed his head as if he had been a Manager since birth.

Later, he would casually say it in an indifferent tone.

‘If you don’t want me to apologize, then don’t cause trouble.’

‘…….’

It was just a passing remark, and Eun-ho probably didn’t mean it seriously. Judging by his not-so-bad expression, he didn’t seem to have hurt his pride even while acting like an underdog here and there. Rather, it was obvious that he thought this was manageable.

‘……Do I just have to be well-behaved in front of others?’

But he didn’t like that either. He didn’t care when CEO Byun was all smiles, but when Kwak Eun-ho was doing that, he felt like he was on fire inside. There was no need to cater to the director’s whims, and even the perfunctory apologies made him feel bad.

‘Yeah, just stay still.’

Eun-ho didn’t tell him to put up with unnecessary abuse. He said he would block unreasonable demands on his end, and even gave him permission to leave if his condition deteriorated too much. He even added a joke that he could just smile if he felt too bad to say anything.

‘Then I’ll take care of it.’

That’s when it started. He had been docile on the filming set no matter what happened. Shaking hands with many people was still sickening enough to make him want to throw up, but he somehow managed to endure until the end of that situation.

Smiling kindly wasn’t that difficult, but he couldn’t stand seeing him act like a criminal.

His reputation quickly and surprisingly improved. It wasn’t that bad rumors had been circulating before, but the talk about his personality that had been spreading by word of mouth had disappeared as if washed away. CEO Byun’s satisfaction was beyond words, and Eun-ho’s situation seemed to be improving as well.

‘……You paid for that out of your own pocket, right?’

When Eun-ho said that about a year later, Ji Hyeon couldn’t say anything. He never thought he could hide it forever, but when he was caught, he felt like what was coming had finally come. What if he got angry? What if he cursed at him like he did back then, asking what right he had to do that? While he was thinking that, a calm voice spoke.

‘Thank you.’

‘…….’

‘I survived thanks to you.’

What should he call the feeling he felt then? It wasn’t the first time he had heard those words, but it was the first time he had felt such heartfelt sincerity. He hadn’t done it out of kindness, but those words made him feel like he had become a good person.

‘I’ll definitely repay you later.’

Perhaps he was subconsciously feeling it. That the need for a large sum of money would disappear before long. That must be why he lowered his eyes with such a lonely expression.

What kind of person was the Grandmother who raised Kwak Eun-ho? He had always wanted to meet her at least once. What she looked like, how she spoke, how much and where she hurt, and whether there was really no hope of recovery. He was always curious about the reality of the family he didn’t have.

However, the reason he hadn’t met her was simply because he didn’t have the confidence. He didn’t have the confidence to ask him to go with him, the confidence to greet his Grandmother, or the confidence to proudly say that he was Kwak Eun-ho’s friend.

Ji Hyeon didn’t even know the basics of how to act in a meeting with an elder.

‘Ji Hyeon-ah, let’s stop by my Grandmother’s hospital for a bit.’

The opportunity came at a coincidental moment. Eun-ho said that he would stop by the hospital for a while on the way home after finishing his schedule. He told him to wait in the parking lot for a while, but as soon as Ji Hyeon saw him heading to the administration office, he got out of the car.

‘…….’

The smell of disinfectant that brushed the tip of his nose. And the quiet and calm atmosphere. The place he had always visited as a patient felt so unfamiliar. It was even more so because the question of whether he should be doing this followed him as he walked aimlessly.

Fortunately, it wasn’t difficult to find his Grandmother’s hospital room. He had heard the number from Eun-ho in passing when she had moved to a regular room a while ago. He said that the room was a three-person room, but they were using it like a one-person room because someone had left. He had just laughed it off as if he was talking nonsense when he told him to just move her to a one-person room.

The moment he opened the door, he felt a sense of tension he had never felt before. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt even when he stood in front of the camera for the first time, when he had a formal audition with a famous director, or even when he held a press conference.

Before he could even take a deep breath, he saw an old woman sitting up in bed through the crack in the open door.

‘…….’

His first impression was that she didn’t look much like Eun-ho. Then he was surprised by how frail she was, and then he was embarrassed by the fact that she wasn’t looking at him. The Grandmother, who had been sitting on the bed staring into space, slowly turned her head only after Ji Hyeon approached her.

‘You’re the student who appears in dramas.’

Hello. Before he could even say that, the Grandmother spoke first. He thought she wouldn’t recognize him like Kwak Eun-ho had, but it seemed she already knew that Ji Hyeon was an actor. What should he say to introduce himself? That worry was overshadowed by an equally casual question.

‘Did you come with our Eun-ho?’

‘……How did you know?’

He realized he had made a mistake only after reflexively blurting that out. He seemed to have spoken too rudely. He should have at least asked, ‘Did you know?’, but he was so surprised that he asked that way.

‘Of course, I know. You’re our Eun-ho’s friend.’

Fortunately, the Grandmother smiled kindly without showing any signs of displeasure. The moment her wrinkled eyes curved gently, the tension that had been building up to his throat eased. He learned another thing he didn’t know: that even if they didn’t look alike, their smiling faces could be similar.

‘Hello. ……I’m Ji Hyeon.’

How long had it been since he had introduced himself? Everyone recognized him wherever he went, so it felt overly awkward to say who he was. And even the awkward follow-up that he had only done in front of CEO Byun.

‘I’m Eun-ho’s friend.’

Looking back on it now, it was a very strange meeting. He had come alone and unannounced, without even explaining why he had come. What was even stranger was Eun-ho’s Grandmother, who nodded and accepted him kindly.

‘Okay, Ji Hyeon-ah.’

‘…….’

He thought that Kwak Eun-ho was the only person in his life who would call him that. A title that would have made him feel bad if someone else called him that didn’t bother him at all at that moment. While his expression kept becoming awkward, the Grandmother continued in a warm voice.

‘Eun-ho is in your debt.’

He vaguely realized that Kwak Eun-ho had talked about him. He didn’t know how much detail he had gone into, but he knew that she knew at least that he was a friend and the general nature of their relationship.

‘Oh my, I should at least cut some fruit for you…….’

‘No, no. It’s okay.’

Ji Hyeon hurriedly stopped the Grandmother as she was about to get up. He said that he had to leave soon anyway, and even pretended to turn around. It wasn’t really something to be so flustered about. The Grandmother even burst out laughing at his flustered appearance.

‘You’re very kind, just like our puppy said.’

‘…….’

So, she called Kwak Eun-ho a puppy. That big guy, she was calling him that as if he was the most lovable thing in the world. There’s no way he would have said that he was kind. He felt a subtle feeling even while thinking that it was just empty words.

The Grandmother carefully took his hand and added to Ji Hyeon, who couldn’t say anything and closed his mouth.

‘Don’t fight with our Eun-ho. You have to stay close in the future. Okay?’

The reason he couldn’t answer those words was because an unknown emotion welled up inside him. The touch that would have been unpleasant under normal circumstances felt so fragile, as if it would disappear at any moment. A seemingly ordinary word somehow sounded like she was saying her last goodbye.

‘……Let’s go out for something delicious together when you get discharged.’

That was actually what he had wanted to say on graduation day. He had prepared and prepared, but he was finally able to convey it now, several years later. He sincerely hoped that he could be with her this time, even though he couldn’t achieve it back then. It would be even better if the three of them could go to the restaurant he had carefully chosen.

He didn’t know if Eun-ho knew about that day’s visit. Ji Hyeon left the hospital room before he came, and silently returned to the car and waited for him as if nothing had happened. Eun-ho, who returned late, also didn’t say anything special to Ji Hyeon.

Exactly two months after that, Kwak Eun-ho’s Grandmother passed away. Eun-ho, who had left the filming set first, belatedly conveyed the news late at night. When he hurriedly headed to the funeral hall, Kwak Eun-ho was standing alone in the hall filled with the smell of incense.

‘…….’

He should have been there to watch over her until the end. That fact remained in his mind. Kwak Eun-ho, standing alone in that place with no relatives and so few mourners that he could count them on his fingers, felt too unreal.

It wasn’t pity. He wasn’t such a great person that he could dare to pity Kwak Eun-ho.

Even though his schedule had piled up like a mountain, he stayed by Kwak Eun-ho’s side, ignoring all incoming calls. Since Eun-ho wasn’t eating, he starved with him; since he wasn’t sleeping, he stayed up all night beside him. He thought Eun-ho would tell him to leave any moment, but it was only after all the funeral proceedings had ended that Eun-ho finally asked Ji Hyeon.

‘……What about your schedule?’

What had he even said in response? He thinks he just snapped, asking where he’d learned to smoke. More than being angry about not knowing he was a smoker, he was angrier that he didn’t know what to say in such a situation.

‘Just cry.’

Not knowing how to comfort him, he just smoked with him. Because Eun-ho, enveloped in the hazy smoke, looked so precarious, as if he might collapse at any moment. He figured it would be better to stay within that scene—at least being close by made him feel somewhat at ease.

‘Acting like you’re okay at a time like this is more shameful.’

‘…….’

It was one of the lines he’d picked up while filming a drama. The moment Eun-ho heard it, his face twisted. He covered his eyes with one hand and let out a sound that was neither a sigh nor a laugh.

‘Ah…….’

He had never seen the guy, who crumpled to the ground as if falling apart, look so small before. Fuck. The curse that slipped out felt like it was tearing his chest apart. He took a deep breath in, then slowly let it out. At the end of the breath he barely held back, sorrow seeped through.

‘Hng…….’

It was a void he dared not even fathom. How much he had struggled, how hard he had lived. What that fleeting hope he held had been. It wasn’t as if Ji Hyeon didn’t know those things. The fact that he couldn’t do anything for the guy who had endured so desperately felt unbearably unfair.

‘You’ve been through a lot.’

The voice he forced out was the same one Eun-ho always used with Ji Hyeon. After finishing a shoot, if Ji Hyeon waited quietly, Eun-ho would always bring him bottled water and say that. In the midst of being too afraid to even touch him, mustering the courage to pat his shoulder was the best he could do.

He remembered thinking he never wanted to see him cry again. He wished he would just curse and get angry instead, thinking that as he forced himself to smoke the tasteless cigarette. Believing the stinging in his eyes was simply from lack of sleep and cigarette smoke. He kept forcibly suppressing the curses that kept rising up.

For the four years that followed, Eun-ho continued working as Ji Hyeon’s manager. He diligently paid back all the money he had taken as an advance, lowered the salary Ji Hyeon had forced on him to a reasonable level, and even stayed until Ji Hyeon finally quit the cigarettes he had become addicted to.

‘I don’t need that much money now.’

It should have been a reassuring thing to hear, but the moment he heard it, his stomach churned. The only excuse he had to keep him was money, and now even that was gone. Looking at Eun-ho, who asked nothing of him, he felt a thirst so intense it felt like his throat was parching dry every moment.

When did it start? That his nerves were always on edge when he was with him. That he felt comforted by the fact they were together, but felt inexplicably displeased when it was time for him to go home. That it felt like his patience was wearing thin, making him feel so anxious he couldn’t even handle it himself.

Yes, he was scared. Scared that if he left like this, he might not come back tomorrow. Scared that if he disappeared without a word like he did before, he’d have to bet everything on a miracle created by coincidence again.

Because he knew that Kwak Eun-ho, who now lacked nothing, had no reason to need him, who lacked everything.

‘You’re really not coming to my place?’

He hated that he had a place to return to. He was so anxious, so uneasy, that even seeing him get close to others was irritating. While holding onto him with the excuse of being his manager, there were times he felt so unfairly displeased that Eun-ho was only remaining by his side as a manager.

-Hello. ……This is Kwak Eun-ho, Ji Hyeon’s manager.

But now he realized that even that was a luxury. No matter what, he should have been satisfied just having him by his side. Because he desired too much, too excessive care, didn’t it ultimately lead to even that leaving?

-……Is there a genre you’d like to film next?

He didn’t know how many times the voice from the TV repeated. All night, Ji Hyeon listened to Eun-ho’s voice without sleeping a wink. He endlessly replayed the times they had shared, trying to find the starting point, to figure out where it all went wrong.

-I thought you’d look good in a prosecutor’s uniform.

“…….”

But by the time the sun was about to rise, he couldn’t even continue those thoughts. Because at the timing when he should have been okay, he suddenly realized a new truth.

What good was waiting and thinking alone? No matter how long he waited, Eun-ho wouldn’t come back. The guy, who wasn’t even his manager anymore, would never open that door and walk in again.

“……Ha.”

The moment he thought that, his chest tightened. The belated sense of reality washed over Ji Hyeon like a tidal wave in the blink of an eye. His head felt hot, burning up, so much that he couldn’t even string together a rational thought.

Impulsively, he picked up his phone and dialed the familiar eleven-digit number. It was the number he had always dialed at night ever since Eun-ho saved it for him. He had never actually called it, but in his head, he was always calling him.

Trrr, the moment the dial tone sounded, his vision blurred. Thinking it was because he hadn’t slept, he covered his eyes with one hand. His palm was as cold as ice, but conversely, his eyelids were excessively hot.

‘I’m quitting as your manager.’

The Kwak Eun-ho in his head kept repeating the same thing. That it was too dirty, he couldn’t do it, that he’d never be your manager or anything like that again. He coldly turned his back, leaving Ji Hyeon alone. Like someone who would never return, his retreating figure was utterly impossible to hold onto.

-……Hello.

“…….”

So when he heard Eun-ho’s voice, Ji Hyeon couldn’t say anything for a long time. He had no awareness that he had made the call, no awareness that the other person had actually answered. He couldn’t even choose what to say, so all that came out was a pitiful call.

“……Kwak Eun-ho.”

-…….

Eun-ho didn’t answer; all he could hear was breathing. Even that felt desperate, so Ji Hyeon closed his eyes tightly and focused on the sound of the breathing coming through. So the reason he had been suffering since earlier was because he was suffocating. It was only after he let out a thin breath that he realized it.

“Eun-ho-ya, I……”

He meant to say he was sorry. He thought he shouldn’t have said that, he wanted to try apologizing first. Or maybe ask to see his face, even for a moment, to try making a request.

-Ji Hyeon-ah.

But Eun-ho cut him off before he could even say anything. It was a call he used normally, but it felt strangely, particularly cold. Just as Ji Hyeon was taking a deep breath, a blunt voice spoke, monotone.

-I guess you forgot, but I’m not your manager anymore.

“…….”

Why bring up something he already knew, as if it were new? He hadn’t forgotten in the first place, that’s why he called. Because he wouldn’t come even when morning came, because he felt like he was really going to go crazy like this.

-There’s no reason for me to answer calls at this hour.

The calmly spoken words were colder than anything he had ever heard before. To Ji Hyeon, who couldn’t bring himself to say anything, Eun-ho spoke again in a firm tone.

-I’d prefer it if you didn’t call without a reason.

His mind went blank white; he couldn’t even make the excuse that it wasn’t like that. The Kwak Eun-ho on TV was smiling at him, but the Kwak Eun-ho on the other end of the phone was speaking in a voice devoid of any laughter. A rejection he had never even imagined was digging into his ears, with no time to block it.

-If you understand, I’m hanging up.

With those words, Eun-ho hung up without hesitation. From the other side of the abruptly ended call, not even the sound of breathing could be heard anymore.