9 – Chapter 9

He couldn’t eat well. There was no reason he couldn’t eat, but his mouth wouldn’t cooperate, and whenever he tried to eat something, his energy would just drain away. He wasn’t sick, so he had no idea why he felt so deflated and heavy. Like he’d been dragged through a threshing machine and spat back out, Hae-won felt both his mind and body in tatters.

He stared blankly at his silent phone, and gazed for a long time at the door that wouldn’t open. He took out his bow to practice, just applying rosin over and over. When he tried to hold the violin and play something, his fingers wouldn’t exert any strength.

He couldn’t remember a single fingering or bowing technique. The sheet music he’d forced open was unreadable. In the end, he gave up on practicing. He had to go to the symphony, but his will, which had not a single grain left, couldn’t overcome his limbs sinking helplessly.

As if he’d received permission from someone to just be like this, Hae-won lay sprawled all day. He didn’t want to do anything. It was a lethargy where he already wasn’t doing anything, but he wanted even more intensely and fervently to do nothing.

Sprawling his entire body, which felt heavy with a dull sense of powerlessness, on the bed, Hae-won looked out the window and thought.

Was I dumped……? Me? Moon Hae-won? Me? Really?

He’d never been dumped by anyone before. He had dumped people, but being dumped was a first.

It dawned on him anew that this very lethargy, this feeling of not wanting to do anything even though he was already doing nothing, this powerlessness that made him want to dig into the ground and do even less, was the aftermath of a breakup.

So this is what being dumped feels like, this is the feeling of being rejected.

He could part ways with someone he was seeing, say goodbye. But Hae-won was personally realizing, of all times in the cold winter, at an age where he’d soon be a tray of eggs, the fact that if it’s not a mutual agreement to part but being unilaterally dumped by one side, this is how a person ends up.

What was most difficult was that he vividly remembered the sight of him extinguishing the flames he had passionately burned for him in an instant. Recalling that coldly hardened face, his chest suddenly felt desolate.

He burrowed into the bed because he was cold, but the chill didn’t recede. Remembering his hands that were so warm they’d quickly transfer their warmth when touched, the shivering cold grew even thicker.

Morning was breaking outside the window. He wanted to sleep, but only his head ached and his eyeballs felt cold, sleep wouldn’t come. He rubbed his gritty, sandy-feeling eyes.

Did I do something wrong? Was it only my fault?

Hyun Woo-jin, you didn’t do anything right either.

In the first place, it was him who lied and made me go to that house. He provided the pretext, and Hae-won was in a situation where he couldn’t help but misunderstand. He only misunderstood him, thought he was dirtier than trash, didn’t give him a chance to explain, didn’t believe him. With hasty words, he hurt him.

Faced with an unbearable shard of misunderstanding, Hae-won chose to run away. Except for sending his mother away first, there were almost no things in Hae-won’s life that could be called inflection points. Hae-won was a coward, and he didn’t admit that Hyun Woo-jin was a ripple in his life.

He wasn’t someone in Hae-won’s circle. He was someone from a completely different field of life, to the point where Hae-won couldn’t even hear fragmentary news about Hyun Woo-jin through others.

From the moment he gave up on him, he and Hae-won were severed by a global distance. More than the shock of being rejected, the fact that he could no longer see him was driving Hae-won crazy, and that truly felt like it would drive him insane.

Despite being dumped, he couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was someone he’d seen for nearly a year. Someone he’d liked that much every day for nearly a year.

“What do I do…….”

He muttered dryly. The voice of Hyun Woo-jin, who had pressed his lips to Hae-won’s ear to wake him and said thank you, came to mind. He wanted to call Tae-shin. He wanted to ask him. What should I do at a time like this?

Hae-won didn’t go to his lesson either. Since he’d never missed a lesson before, the professor called.

“……Hello.”

―Hey. Is something going on? Hae-won, what’s with you skipping all your rehearsals?

“Sorry. I forgot to contact you. I think I caught a cold. I feel so bad I can’t move at all.”

He made a weak-voiced excuse for skipping the lesson. The professor, who knew nothing, worried about Hae-won, who had stopped eating, sleeping, and practicing because of a man.

Of course, there was no call from Hyun Woo-jin. He had been dumped by him. He had ended the relationship with him. Naturally, there would be no reason to call or meet in the future. He wasn’t having an emotional fight with him. He had seen with his own eyes the blue flames he had extinguished.

Hae-won didn’t change the door lock code. Not because he didn’t change it so he could open and come in if he changed his mind and came looking, but because he knew he wouldn’t come, so there was no need to change it.

His chest felt hollow. He searched online for the aftermath of a breakup and read unhelpful articles saying this sense of emptiness varies by person, lasting a few days for some, months or even years for others, then threw his phone away.

He left the Officetel after several days. He just kept walking aimlessly. It wasn’t the first time things had ended with someone, so why did he feel so empty and desolate? No matter how many layers he wore, his chest felt hollow and cold as if emptied out.

If they had just parted ways, it wouldn’t have mattered, but being dumped made it different. Hae-won still liked him.

After walking endlessly, he arrived at the street where he had once blurted out that he missed him. After working all night and finishing his business trip early, he had returned and, only at dawn the next day, held Hae-won and spoke sincerely. That he had missed him too…….

Why had he overlooked those things back then?

Even if they were in that kind of relationship, he should have believed him first. He should have thought that what he saw wasn’t the truth, that there must be a reason, and calmly asked him for an explanation. A sense of betrayal and bewilderment had overwhelmed Hae-won with piercing intensity.

Hae-won had been solely preoccupied with the shock and hurt he would receive. He had no resistance to wounds inflicted by others. No one had ever hurt him before, and even if they had tried, Hae-won hadn’t accepted it. Afraid of that, Hae-won had frantically rejected him out of fear of being hurt. And Hyun Woo-jin hadn’t understood that Hae-won.

He entered a restaurant that served pork belly and soju. It was late, so there weren’t many customers sitting at the tables.

“Just one?”

When he nodded yes, the employee guided Hae-won to a corner table again. Sitting in a spot so dark the lighting barely reached, before the ajumma could say one portion wasn’t possible, Hae-won ordered two portions of pork belly and a bottle of soju.

He poured the clear soju, took a sip, and grilled the meat. Sizzle…… He stared blankly at the cooking meat and chewed the undercooked piece.

“Huh? That time, that……! Hello?”

Someone acted like they knew him, so he looked up. His gloomy complexion didn’t brighten even seeing a smiling face. Staring thoughtfully, he remembered the ponytail who had once handed him paper and a pen in this very restaurant, asking for an autograph.

It was quite a while ago, and he wasn’t the least bit happy that she still remembered that incident. Hae-won sighed inwardly. She dragged the friend she was with over to Hae-won’s table.

“I’m not a celebrity or anything. I was just bored and lying that day. If you have nothing to say, don’t sit in front of me.”

Hae-won spoke coldly and poured the soju. He filled it to the brim with the clear, water-like liquid. The hastily gulped soju wet the corner of his mouth and dripped down. Sigh, he swallowed the bitter liquid and wiped his chin with the back of his hand.

One of the chopsticks, not properly held, fell to the floor with a sharp sound. The ponytail picked up the chopstick, set it aside, took a new one from the utensil holder, and offered it. Hae-won didn’t take it, just stared straight up at her.

“No wonder. I looked up all the actors in that drama, and you weren’t there. After that, I even looked up all the extras in that broadcaster’s dramas.”

Hae-won snatched the chopsticks from her hand. He dipped the meat in ssamjang and brought it to his mouth. He chewed the meat. He couldn’t taste anything.

His condition was gradually worsening. Ridiculously, he felt like he might suddenly cry. Back then it was so delicious, but now he couldn’t taste anything—it was suddenly sad and sorrowful enough to bring tears.

“So you’re not a celebrity?”

“I said no. Is there a celebrity who looks like me? Why are you saying such nonsense?”

He asked irritably. Already a few drinks in, she answered nonchalantly.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just that you don’t have an ordinary face.”

“I know, I’m great.”

Hae-won said it in a bad mood, but the ponytail and her friend burst out laughing as if they’d heard a joke.

Lee Jin-young had fallen for him at first sight. Hyun Woo-jin had seen Hae-won several times but hadn’t remembered him immediately. It had taken time for him to recall Hae-won. He told her he knew he was great, but Hae-won thought maybe he actually wasn’t that great.

As his expression hardened gloomily, the ponytail and her friend quickly suppressed the laughter rising to their faces. Despite his disgusted look, as if their burst of laughter was some kind of permission signal, they sat at Hae-won’s table and shamelessly helped themselves to a pair of chopsticks and a spoon each.

“Drinking alone makes you depressed. The doenjang soup here after the meal is really delicious, have you tried it?”

“Don’t bother. I’m not interested in you. No, interest isn’t arising.”

“Did something make you angry?”

“What’s it to you, someone I’m seeing for the second time in my life?”

“You’re really cute. How old are you?”

“…….”

He had also said Hae-won was cute. He’d said it with words, and sometimes looked at him fondly and patted his head. There was nothing as unpleasant as someone touching his head, but when he patted his head, Hae-won stayed still. Sometimes he deliberately tilted his head toward Hyun Woo-jin, hoping for more pats. At those times, he would smile subtly and pat Hae-won’s head even longer.

He was an incredibly warm-handed person, and they say warm-handed people have warm hearts, that they’re kind—why had Hae-won overlooked that scientific axiom?

He missed Hyun Woo-jin. Unbearably so.

He hadn’t done anything wrong; Hae-won was the one who messed up and got dumped, yet he suddenly wanted to curse at him.

You son of a bitch…….

“If I’m older than you, I’m older, I’m certainly not younger.”

“Are you over thirty-two? I’m thirty-two.”

“…….”

He glanced at her. The ponytail had her curly hair tied up in one style, her skin clear and clean. She looked younger than thirty-two. These days, it was hard to guess age just by looking at a face. When Hae-won didn’t answer, she grinned. It was a mischievous, playful smile.

“You’re younger than me, right?”

“Do you think I’d divulge my personal info to someone I’m seeing for the second time in my life?”

“You’re younger than me. Right?”

“What if I am, what if I’m not?”

“Noona will buy you a drink.”

They seemed to have already shared half a bottle of soju each, their cheeks flushed with intoxication. Hae-won poured soju into his empty glass and gulped it down alone. Each time he drank, the soju kept dripping messily. He wiped his wet chin with his hand.

“Did something bad happen?”

“Get lost, ajumma.”

“This ajumma will listen. Tell me.”

“Fuck, really.”

“Hey, why the cursing and fuss? If you don’t want to talk, don’t! I felt sorry for you drinking alone and acted like I knew you, and you have no manners. You little shit.”

The ponytail betrayed her appearance and cursed viciously, and her friend glared at Hae-won with claw eyes. Hae-won felt unlucky and just wanted to get up and leave, but it was too bothersome to go that far. And after spewing emotional curses and getting cursed at by her, he felt a bit relieved.

Fuck, you son of a bitch, Hyun Woo-jin, you’re a son of a bitch. I messed up, but since you’re making me suffer like this, you’re the son of a bitch. You little shit.

He suddenly really wanted to say this to Hyun Woo-jin. He’d already been dumped, was in the process of accepting it, and had no intention of seeing him again, but he felt he absolutely had to say this.

Hae-won poured soju and gulped it down. Sigh, he wiped his chin and lips, then rubbed the soju on his hand onto his thigh. Perhaps the alcohol was rising, heat flushed to his face.

“……Then try calling this number.”

Hae-won rummaged through the pockets of the coat he’d taken off, pulled out his phone, found Hyun Woo-jin’s number, and held it out to her.

“Who is it?”

“Some son of a bitch. This bastard is why I’m in a bad mood.”

“Is it okay to just call? My number will show up.”

“It’s fine. Try calling once. See if he answers or not.”

The hesitant ponytail took out her own phone, memorized Hyun Woo-jin’s number visually, dialed, and pressed the call button. Putting it on speakerphone, the dial tone rang loudly. Hae-won, the ponytail, and the ponytail’s friend huddled their heads together and listened to the phone.

―Hello.

“…….”

The ponytail looked at Hae-won. Hae-won put a finger to his lips to signal quiet and focused intently on Hyun Woo-jin’s voice.

―Hello. Please speak.

“…….”

He was quiet. It seemed like he was checking the unknown number, and when there was no answer, he soon hung up. Hearing Hyun Woo-jin’s voice made his chest feel desolate. Hearing his voice, Hae-won realized with a heart that ached as if being squeezed just how much he had missed this voice.

Hello. Hello. Please speak.

The low melody of a Guarneri, the soft bass, the voice heard through a machine—perhaps because it was refracted once—sounded even more pitiful. The voice couldn’t be grasped, couldn’t be confined. He hadn’t known a voice without substance could cause such a huge wave.

“Call again.”

“His voice is a bit scary. Who is it? What’s going on?”

Because the voice on the call didn’t sound ordinary, the ponytail’s friend asked, quite tense.

“He’s the bastard who scammed me.”

“Isn’t it the opposite? Why would the person who got scammed secretly call the scammer?”

“I just wanted to check if he still uses that number. I’m going to scam that bastard. So call again. This time, record the voice and give it to me. I need to keep evidence.”

Hae-won urged her. Despite the unbelievable lie and her reluctance, the ponytail, emboldened by the alcohol, called Hyun Woo-jin’s number again. She pressed the speakerphone and started recording. The dial tone rang a few times before he answered.

―Yes.

“…….”

―Hello. Please speak. You don’t need to worry about wiretapping.

When the word ‘wiretapping’ came out, their eyes went wide and they all looked at Hae-won simultaneously.

―Regarding personal protection and compensation based on public interest reporting, and subsequent measures, I promise. Hello?

The ponytail’s pupils shook wildly as if asking what to do. Hae-won put a finger to his lips to signal quiet.

―Is it perhaps a difficult situation to speak? I will now begin location tracking for this number.

Before Hae-won could stop her, the ponytail, startled out of her wits, ended the call.

“What is this? Is he a cop? You said he was a scammer?”

“He is a scammer. Why’d you hang up? We should have listened to more of what he said.”

“Isn’t this person a cop?”

“He’s not a cop. Send the recording to my phone.”

With a resentful look clearly regretting the pointless act, she grumbled about whether they’d get caught by the police, but still sent the audio file to Hae-won. Hae-won downloaded the sent file. He played the audio and brought the phone to his ear to hear his voice a little better.

―Yes.

―Hello. Please speak. You don’t need to worry about wiretapping.

―Regarding personal protection and compensation based on public interest reporting, and subsequent measures, I promise. Hello?

―Is it perhaps a difficult situation to speak? I will now begin location tracking for this number.

He heard his voice twice in a row. It was like sweet music. Unaware of his childish antics, he appreciated his voice.

How wonderful would it be if this voice called my name again?

No matter how many times he repeated it, the longing didn’t lessen. Rather, he marveled anew—was his voice this good? Hyun Woo-jin’s voice was this good. Why had he let go of something this good so easily? He was an idiot. Forgetting that he had called wanting to curse at him, Hae-won kept repeating his voice, appreciating it.

“Hey, are you a scammer? I can’t believe it. Shouldn’t we call back right now and say it was a prank? What if real police show up? Can’t they track the location from the number right away? Should we just turn off the phone?”

“Come on. It sounded like a prank call, so they might have just been trying to scare us. They’re scammers, so they probably scammed someone.”

“But the voice didn’t sound like it was joking.”

The ponytail girl and her friend argued back and forth about whether it was better to confess now or just ignore it as a joke. While they were doing that, Hae-won replayed Hyun Woo-jin’s voice over ten times.

It was when they had dismissed the prank call with a ‘no way, it can’t be,’ forgotten about it, and drank about two bottles of soju. Squeak—the shop door opened, and two men with rough-looking faces entered.

“Is the owner of phone number 5502 here in the back?”

The startled friend of the ponytail girl smacked the ponytail girl’s arm. Seeing Hae-won stiffen and stare, and the ponytail girl’s eyes widen in surprise, they exchanged glances and immediately approached the table where Hae-won was sitting.

“Is this phone number 5502?”

“Huh? No, oh no. Ah, I’m sorry about that. It was a prank call. I’m sorry. I really didn’t think you’d come.”

The ponytail girl stood up and bowed her head deeply in apology. The man, who looked intimidating enough even without trying, furrowed his brow in clear annoyance and let out a threatening sigh loud enough for everyone in the shop to hear, finishing with a low mutter of curses.

Not just us, but the entire shop fell silent as if cold water had been poured over it. The employee peeling garlic kept glancing back and forth between the fierce-looking man and us.

The ponytail girl, pale as a sheet, turned to look at Hae-won. She was pleading for him to say something. Hae-won looked at her, caught in a bad situation, and took a big gulp of soju.

“You said it was a prank call?”

“Yes, I’m sorry. I really didn’t think you’d come like this. I’m really sorry. I’m sorry. It was just a prank.”

Unable to lift her head, the ponytail girl apologized to them. The rough-looking man took out his phone and made a call somewhere.

“Good work. This is Kim Seok-ho from the Criminal Investigation Unit. Yes, we found them, but it seems like a prank call. Some young lady. A civilian who’s been drinking. What should we do?”

He asked someone for instructions on how to handle the ponytail girl. It didn’t seem like a matter that would end with just an apology. The flustered ponytail girl looked like she was about to burst into tears, and her friend’s face flushed red as she fidgeted and glared at Hae-won.

“But how did you get that number to make a prank call?”

He asked the ponytail girl without hanging up. She turned and glared clearly at Hae-won. As her gaze reached him, the man turned his head toward Hae-won.

“Let me talk to him.”

Hae-won stood up and reached out his hand. Criminal Investigation Unit’s Kim Seok-ho looked at Hae-won with suspicious eyes and handed over the phone. Hae-won brought the phone to his ear.

“I did it.”

—…….

There was no answer. He was probably making a face incomparable to the expression Kim Seok-ho had worn just moments ago.

“I said I did it.”

—Who are you?

Anger surged at him for now saying he didn’t know who that was, and at the same time, his heart sank heavily. I’m going through all this hardship, I can’t even eat anything, I can’t even enjoy the taste of delicious pork belly, and Hyun Woo-jin is asking who I am. Hae-won mimicked his cold tone.

“You don’t know who I am? Fine if you don’t.”

—Give the phone to Officer Kim.

He didn’t follow the command. He ignored the stares asking what he was doing with the phone pressed to his ear.

—I said give the phone to Officer Kim.

“…Is that all you have to say?”

—Give me the phone.

“Is it my fault? Who acted in a way that could be misunderstood? It was a situation anyone would misunderstand.”

—Don’t make a scene and give me the phone.

The indifferent tone showed no change in emotion. The pitch of his voice remained constant. He consistently ignored my words and was excluding my very existence from his life.

“…I’m sorry.”

A voice apologizing while swallowing resentment trembled like thin paper. It wasn’t an apology for making a prank call, but for not trusting him, for hurting his feelings—saying sorry for that.

Because I’m sorry, please meet me again—he was clinging to him.

Before he knew it, the call had ended. Hae-won stared blankly at the disconnected phone for a long time.

Criminal Investigation Unit’s Kim Seok-ho took the phone from Hae-won’s hand with an awkward expression. Soon, Kim Seok-ho’s phone rang. He answered with an extremely polite and respectful attitude, betraying his threatening appearance.

“Yes, Prosecutor. Ah, yes, was that so? Ah, no. No. It’s fine. You’re too kind. We happened to be nearby, so it’s nothing.”

It seemed Hyun Woo-jin was apologizing so politely that even Criminal Investigation Unit’s Kim Seok-ho felt embarrassed. Even though it was all because of me, Hae-won only ruminated on Hyun Woo-jin’s unfamiliar voice, so cold it felt like his throat would freeze just from breathing.

Even though I said I was sorry, he just hung up. It felt like strangers were trampling over his heart, which had dropped to the restaurant floor. He had just clung to him, but he hadn’t accepted it. His mind went blank.

After finishing the call with Hyun Woo-jin, Kim Seok-ho whispered something to his colleague, gesturing toward Hae-won with a glance. The colleague, listening to Kim Seok-ho, also chuckled and stared at Hae-won with the same eyes as Kim Seok-ho, chattering away.

“Looks like the prosecutor is getting revenge for the Mental Evaluation Detention.”

“There are people like that.”

Kim Seok-ho changed his giggling expression to a stern and intimidating one and said,

“Don’t ever pull a prank like this again. If you do this again, you’ll be punished.”

“Yes, I’m sorry. I’ll never, ever do it again. Really. I’m sorry. Would you like a piece of meat?”

Feeling sorry for making the police come all the way for nothing, the ponytail girl quickly made a lettuce wrap with a thick piece of meat and offered it to Kim Seok-ho. Kim Seok-ho’s eyes twitched at the sight of the lettuce wrap. He frowned and turned away with his colleague. As they left the restaurant, the quiet interior soon became noisy.

“Hey! What the hell is going on? Because of you, I almost got arrested! Who the hell did you call?”

The ponytail girl shouted at Hae-won. Her friend grabbed her arm with a quiet touch and whispered in her ear, just like Kim Seok-ho had done to his colleague earlier. The ponytail girl’s pupils distorted as she looked at Hae-won, then soon softened with pity.

“What are you whispering about?”

When he asked, looking at them strangely, the ponytail girl’s friend tore at the kimchi with her chopsticks and said,

“You got Mental Evaluation Detention, right?”

“What’s that?”

It was what Kim Seok-ho had said. It seemed Hyun Woo-jin had explained to the police that Hae-won was getting revenge and harassing him by making prank calls because he had received Mental Evaluation Detention.

“You got it and you don’t know? Mental Evaluation Detention.”

“So what is it? What is Mental Evaluation Detention? Does it mean my mind is childish and my emotions are childish?”

Hae-won asked because he genuinely didn’t know. The ponytail girl and her friend burst into laughter, their stomachs nearly splitting. Their lively attitude quickly forgot the fact that they had almost been arrested by the police.

“You’re really cute.”

“Cute is cute.”

“What is it, lady?”

Since they seemed unwilling to tell him, Hae-won searched for it on his phone.

Mental Evaluation Detention: A compulsory measure to detain the defendant in a hospital or other suitable location for a certain period to evaluate the defendant’s mental or physical condition.

“Fucking bastard… .”

Hyun Woo-jin had told the police that Hae-won was a mental patient. Hae-won felt an indescribable surge of anger toward him for describing him that way.

Who the hell do you think you are? Do you think I’m doing this because I have no one else to meet but you?

Remembering how he had coldly hung up even after I said I was sorry made him even angrier. Those words weren’t something you could just spit out easily. They were words spoken with the feeling of letting everything go.

If he knew how many millions of times I had agonized in that short moment before saying those words, he wouldn’t have hung up so easily. If he knew how hard it was for me to say them, he wouldn’t have treated me like a mental patient.

Hae-won abruptly stood up, grabbed his coat, and ignored the ponytail girl shouting to pay the bill as he left the restaurant. He hailed a taxi and headed toward a casual bar near the hotel he used to frequent to pick up men before meeting Hyun Woo-jin.

It was a place where people with such intentions gathered, difficult to enter without a member’s introduction, and since mostly well-off professionals came, the chance of failure was low, and it was an easy place to get what he wanted.

He got out of the taxi, pushed open the heavy glass door, and entered. The casual bar, targeting mostly people in their twenties to late thirties, or at most early forties, was already almost full at the table seats.

Hae-won sat at the oval-shaped open bar and ordered a blue margarita. Except for a few men who seemed to be friends making a bit of a ruckus throwing darts in front of the dartboard hanging on one wall, the atmosphere was generally quiet.

After ordering the cocktail, Hae-won went to the bathroom. The man standing in the mirror didn’t look messed up enough to be called a mental patient. Hae-won wet his hair and swept it back. With his forehead exposed, he couldn’t understand Hyun Woo-jin, who had dumped him like this. That bastard thinks he’s all that, but Hae-won wasn’t bad either.

“Haa… .”

After staring at his face in the mirror, which looked particularly foolish today, Hae-won sighed and shook his head. His neatly combed hair was now disheveled. He really did look like a fool.

He washed his face roughly with cold water. He was making a fuss all by himself. Hyun Woo-jin didn’t even care, but he was flustered and tossed around by his every word.

The bluish cocktail was already on the counter where he had left his coat and phone. Hae-won wiped his damp face with a paper towel and sat on the stool. He sipped the cocktail as if just tasting it.

He picked up his phone and played the audio file the ponytail girl had given him. The music drowned out his voice, so he pressed the phone to his ear and listened to Hyun Woo-jin’s voice.

—Yes.

—Hello. Go ahead. You don’t have to worry about wiretapping.

—I promise protection and compensation for public interest reporting, as well as follow-up measures. Hello?

—Is it difficult for you to speak? I’ll start tracking the location with this number now.

He suddenly felt like crying. To avoid crying, he downed the remaining cocktail in one go. The tequila licked his throat and went down hot. An unbearable thirst washed over him, and he ordered a beer.

Unable to put down his phone, he searched for a photo he had taken of him sometime ago. It was a picture of him sleeping with his hair sharply parted, a style that would be hard for anyone to pull off. Seeing his face, a smile involuntarily escaped. Hae-won chuckled softly and flipped through the photos.

I should have taken more.

There weren’t many photos. Regretfully, he kept flipping through the same photos, going back and forth, and stared for a long time at the photo where his handsome face was particularly clear from the front.

I miss you… .

Even though he was the bastard who treated me like a mental patient, I missed him so much it drove me crazy. Even while drinking the beer the bartender brought, he didn’t take his eyes off the phone in his hand. Whether it was because he had been drinking soju, cocktails, beer, and all kinds of alcohol, his eyes grew hazy, and his posture slumped. Hae-won sat with his chin propped up in a slouched posture, looking down at his face.

“What did I do so wrong? Didn’t you know I speak carelessly? Why are you acting like this now all of a sudden? Did being called a dog hurt your feelings that much? If it hurt, you should have said something.”

Then I would have apologized… .

I said I was sorry, didn’t I?

Muttering to himself, he grumbled and rambled on alone. He placed his phone on the wooden standing table and stared blankly at him until the screen turned off. He hurriedly turned on the screen and stared for a while longer before slowly lowering his head and resting it on the table.

To anyone watching, it might look like he was drunk and slumping over, but Hae-won was lowering his head and pressing his lips to the phone screen. He pressed his lips to Hyun Woo-jin’s face. After doing that, he really wanted to cry.

Someone once said that if you cry, you can forget. If you keep crying, the longing, the resentment and anger of being dumped—all of it gets washed away by the tears.

“Hey, are you okay?”

At the touch on his back, Hae-won lifted his head and straightened up.

“You seem really drunk, are you okay?”

“… .”

Do you think I’m doing this because I have no one else to meet but you?

Do you know how hard it is for me to say I’m sorry, Hyun Woo-jin?

Do you know how big of a deal it is for me to skip violin practice, to not do it?

It was one of the group that had been making a ruckus throwing darts earlier. With one hand shoved in his pants pocket, he had rolled up his shirt sleeves to his forearms in his enthusiasm for throwing darts. His appearance was likable, and importantly, he looked younger than Hyun Woo-jin.

“Are you okay?”

When Hae-won just blinked and stared, he leaned in with a slightly serious face, examining him closely as he asked.

“I’m okay. No, I’m not okay. No, am I okay? I don’t know.”

“Huh?”

Shaking his head, Hae-won muttered confusedly. For some reason, the man smiled with his whole face.

“I’m having a drink with some friends, want to join?”

“Why would I drink with your friends?”

“Ah, then… , want to drink separately? Just the two of us?”

“…I don’t feel like going out.”

When Hae-won replied with slurred speech, the man turned around and made some hand gestures to what seemed like his friends. Whether it meant ‘you guys have fun’ or ‘you guys get lost,’ it was clearly a gesture saying ‘leave me out and handle it yourselves.’ Just as he was about to slump back onto the table, the man’s hand grabbed Hae-won’s shoulder and pulled him up. He kept holding on as if telling him to sit up straight.

“Already drunk? You don’t seem like you drank that much. Did you come here after getting stood up somewhere?”

“What does it matter to you? We’ve never met before.”

Someone I met for the second time in my life bothered me, and now someone I’ve never met before is bothering me too. He didn’t want to meet someone just to show Hyun Woo-jin, who probably had no interest in him anymore. That’s why he came here, but now it felt meaningless. When he actually tried to forget Hyun Woo-jin with someone else, even the attempt felt bothersome. He had his photos and his voice on his phone, so today he just wanted to look at his photos and listen to his voice. He didn’t want anything else interfering.

“You looked like you were about to collapse earlier.”

“I’m not that drunk.”

He brushed off the hand that was holding his shoulder as if to keep him from collapsing. He turned around, propped his chin on his hand, and turned on the darkened phone screen. He found the audio file and played the sound. The music drowned it out, making it hard to hear. He slumped over the table and pressed his ear close to the phone.

—Yes.

He’s a friend of my friend.

—Hello. Go ahead. You don’t have to worry about wiretapping.

Moon Hae-won will come crawling on all fours first.

—I promise protection and compensation for public interest reporting, as well as follow-up measures. Hello?

Should we date or something?

—Is it difficult for you to speak? I’ll start tracking the location with this number now.

I’ll buy you bread.

It’s enough if you greeted them well. I’ll call you later.

And you have to play for me. Even if you don’t like people watching, you have to do it in front of me.

His voice kept coming to mind. The alcohol soaking his brain and body heightened his emotions, and it felt like if someone touched him, tears would really fall.

You said to undress only in front of you. This feeling of wanting to undress only in front of you—it’s the first time I’ve ever felt this way toward someone specific. If it ends like this, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to handle this alone?

“Hey, are you sleeping?”

The man, who hadn’t left and was still standing behind him, tapped Hae-won’s back and then stroked it. Feeling the touch of another person’s hand on his back, Hae-won sat up and called Hyun Woo-jin. He didn’t answer the first or second time. Even as he made the third call, the man didn’t remove his hand from Hae-won’s back and shoulder.

Leaving the hand that was slowly stroking him, he made a fourth call to him, and only then did Hyun Woo-jin answer. He’d probably lay down the law, telling him never to call again. Before he could say anything, Hae-won spoke first.

“Someone said they’d buy me bread. What should I do? Can I just eat it if they buy it for me? You said I shouldn’t. You said no one else should either, that you’d wipe out their entire clan. But now… now it’s okay? Are we over? We were together for a whole year.”

—Don’t call. You’re bothering me.

“Are we really over?”

—I’m blocking you, so delete my number too.

“You told me not to take my clothes off in front of other guys… Is it okay to take them off now?”

—Hang up.

“Hyung…”

—……

“I was wrong. I… I was wrong.”

Tears slid down his cheeks. Trying not to let him hear him crying, Hae-won wiped his face with the back of his hand and swallowed. His throat ached.

“Was it such a big mistake that you can end it this easily? You know I just say things without thinking.”

—Hae-won.

“I miss you. I feel like I’m going to die from missing you.”

—This is uncomfortable.

“You bastard.”

—……

“What’s so easy for you? I’m dying here, but you, what’s so easy for you?”

—Whether it was a misunderstanding or the truth, you’re the one who didn’t even look back.

He’d thought he might do that, but hearing it in his voice made his world crumble.

“I was scared. I was scared you might really be like that, that you might be that kind of person. Do you know how I felt then? I didn’t know what to do, that’s why.”

Hae-won was clinging to him. The man who had been listening beside him, stroking his back, had disappeared without him noticing.

—So not knowing what to do means abandoning me?

“That’s not it.”

—If it were true. If I really were in that kind of relationship with Ha-young’s younger brother, then abandoning me would be natural, right?

“……”

—You treated me like trash.

“No.”

—Stop. I’m hanging up.

“W-wait.”

The call ended. Tears plopped onto the black phone screen he stared at blankly. Biting his lip tightly, he swallowed his sobs, but tears kept rising. A handkerchief swiped across his face, and Hae-won looked up. The man who had disappeared somewhere had reappeared, holding out a handkerchief and wiping the corners of Hae-won’s eyes.

“Did you break up with your lover?”

“……”

“If it were me, I’d never break up… He’s a total psycho.”

Hae-won took the handkerchief, which carried a faint woody perfume scent, and pressed it against his eyes. His nostrils and the corners of his eyes turned red. He wiped his nose and handed the handkerchief back. Hae-won hurriedly gathered his coat, put it on, and paid with a card.

As soon as he stepped outside, the cold air, transitioning from autumn to winter, clawed at his face and nape. The man who had hurriedly followed Hae-won out put on his coat outside and approached Hae-won, who was standing there dazedly.

“Want to have another drink? Listening to other people’s problems is my specialty.”

“No, thanks.”

“Come on, talking will make you feel better. I’ll curse him with you.”

“……”

“Bad bastard, fucking bastard, idiot bastard. I’m not just saying it, that guy really is crazy. You know everyone at the bar was watching you crying on the phone, right?”

“They were watching because it was an interesting spectacle. Do you think they were watching because they felt sorry for a guy crying on the phone?”

Hearing that he’d been crying on the phone while still feeling miserable made him feel even worse. He lifted his eyes, which felt like they might tear up again, to the dark city sky. He deliberately looked far away.

“No, it’s not that. You just end up watching. You keep watching. Because you were crying there, you watch even more. You keep… wanting to look at that face.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yes.”

He answered in a sincere, reliable tone, as if he meant it.

“But why is this bastard like this? Why does he want to end it? I said I was wrong, so why is he doing this?”

“I told you. He’s crazy. When you said you were wrong earlier, I felt like my heart was melting.”

Ugh, he made a strange sound and rubbed his chest with his hand. An apology that tugged at someone else’s heartstrings, not Hyun Woo-jin’s, was useless. The person involved hadn’t listened at all. He hadn’t listened to apologies, tears, pleas, or begging—nothing at all.

It really was over like this. This was the end of what had started by turning away from Tae-shin. It was just this shabby and insignificant.

What am I supposed to do? Loving someone, missing someone this much—Hyun Woo-jin was the first. What am I supposed to do…?

Ah, I really feel like I’m going crazy.

Hae-won couldn’t pass over Hyun Woo-jin as some kind of rite of passage for heartbreak. It was the first time his emotions and body had been so intensely drawn to one person.

He took a deep breath of the cold air into his lungs and exhaled. A long, white breath scattered. Remembering Hyun Woo-jin, who had coldly hung up despite his tearful apology, Hae-won squeezed his eyes shut and opened them. He was someone he’d have to forget eventually.

“What should I do?”

“About what?”

“What should I do to forget this bastard?”

“Hmm… If you drink with me, I’ll teach you.”

Hae-won followed him. Dazedly, he just followed that back. When his steps slowed, the man took Hae-won’s hand and led him, and before he knew it, he was walking hand in hand with a man he’d never met before. When he came to his senses, he was in front of a door that looked like some motel room.

He opened the door with a card key, grabbed Hae-won’s arm as he hesitated, and pulled him inside.

Hyun Woo-jin’s tone, cutting things off so ruthlessly, held no affection toward him, not even the slightest courtesy. It was a chilling tone that made your skin crawl and made you give up on a person. The kind of tone people call “disgusted.”

“Sit down. What kind of drink do you want? Soju, beer, or liquor, whatever you want.”

“Anything.”

It was his first time in a motel, not a hotel. Aside from the abnormally large bed relative to the room size and the glass-walled bathroom visible from outside, there didn’t seem to be much difference between a hotel and a motel.

The man took off his coat and hung it on a protruding hook on the wall, called somewhere to order drinks and snacks, told them to bring it to some motel room number, hung up, and approached Hae-won, who was standing blankly.

“Sit down.”

He pointed to a green wing chair placed beside a small table. He gestured for Hae-won to take off his coat so he could hang it up. When Hae-won took off his coat and handed it over, he hung it next to his own coat. As Hae-won looked around unfamiliar surroundings, the man asked,

“Don’t tell me this is your first time in a place like this?”

“I never had a reason to come.”

“Really?”

I must look like the type who frequents such places. Sitting in the wing chair opposite Hae-won, he asked again as if he couldn’t believe it.

“Then where did you meet your ex-lover? Usually?”

“At home.”

“Do you live alone?”

“None of your business.”

He didn’t ask further and quietly laughed. As if he already knew everything.

Outside the curtained window, instead of a night view or the street, the opposite wall was visible. Red and blue neon sign lights shimmered faintly on the curtains.

“How old are you?”

“None of your business. Just teach me how to quickly forget after a breakup.”

“That’s too fast.”

“What is?”

“The way to quickly forget an ex-lover is to get another lover. And if we enjoy ourselves, sucking and licking each other, you’ll forget soon enough.”

To forget Hyun Woo-jin, to forget him somehow, there was no way but to overwrite him with someone else. If he met someone, he’d forget. Even if not right now, as time passed, he’d forget. The man’s words made sense.

Then, knock knock, a knocking sound was heard. The man got up, opened the door, and received an envelope. He spread out chicken, beer, soju, and such on the small table.

“If you want to quickly forget that guy, go over there.”

He pointed to the bed. Hae-won looked back at the abnormally large bed. It looked like a king size, not a queen.

“But why is the bed so big?”

When Hae-won asked, he stared at the large bed for a while as if he’d never thought about it, then said,

“There are beds for just two people, but beds for multiple people are also needed.”

“……”

“All sorts of people come to places like this.”

He was subtly making lewd remarks. Hae-won pretended not to know and drank the beer he poured. Whether the temperature in the motel room was high or not, drinking the beer made his chest feel cool.

After being confirmed killed by Hyun Woo-jin, instead of wanting to go somewhere and sob, he kept feeling dazed. It felt like he’d been hit hard by someone. Even though he’d walked the cold streets for a while, it felt like the alcohol hadn’t worn off.

“Still, I should know how old you are so we can sort out whether to call each other Hyung or not.”

“I don’t like Hyung anymore.”

“Then I’ll be the younger one. You look younger, but I’ll just be the younger one.”

“Suit yourself.”

His throat was dry. Even after drinking beer, his thirst didn’t subside. The younger man asked why he was drinking so fast, told him to drink slowly, and took the beer can from Hae-won’s hand.

“But how did you end up breaking up with that bastard, Hyung?”

He put the beer can to his mouth and gazed at Hae-won as he asked.

“We fought. I thought he was playing with me, so I told him to get lost.”

“Ah, so that bastard got pissed and said he’d end it with you?”

“Don’t call him ‘that bastard.’ He’s much older than you.”

“Then that ahjussi?”

When the younger man referred to Hyun Woo-jin as ahjussi, a hollow laugh burst out for some reason. He wondered if he could act this cheeky in front of Hyun Woo-jin too. In those dry, black forest-like pupils, the cruelty of someone who had devoured a wild bird of prey alive, living only there, was melted, and just looking at them made people tense. He wondered if the younger man could keep acting like this in front of him too. In front of those eyes that made people flinch.

“Not ahjussi. He’s my Hyung.”

“What, you said you’d forget, but it seems you still like him.”

“No. I don’t like him.”

“Ah, crazy. So fucking cute. I really want to devour you quickly.”

“Give me more beer.”

The younger man handed over the beer can. Hae-won drank the beer. Whether the taste was weird or his mouth was weird, the beer going down his throat tasted strange. His body kept losing strength, going limp. Hae-won leaned back into the wing chair as if burying his back into it and let his head hang back.

“Already drunk? We haven’t even started yet, Hyung, get up.”

“……”

What if I can’t forget? What if I keep thinking about him?

Why is that?

Hae-won wanted to call Tae-shin. Just as he had called him and rambled on about things he didn’t want to hear, he wanted to call him and ramble on about things Tae-shin wasn’t curious about and didn’t want to hear. He wanted to talk to Tae-shin.

Hae-won half-opened his eyes and let his head drop. A man’s hand waved in front of his eyes. He could see, his consciousness was alive, but his body wouldn’t listen.

“Ah, did I put in too much?”

He muttered as he approached. He lifted Hae-won’s head and looked into his eyes. Their eyes met. He was a handsome man with a likable appearance.

“Hyung, are you okay?”

“……”

“You can’t speak, right? Your body has no strength either.”

Instead of nodding, he blinked his eyes. He hugged Hae-won’s side, lifted him up, hoisted him, and laid him on the bed. Hae-won watched his actions with half-open eyes. It didn’t feel bad, but an ominous feeling finally crept in, thick like dense smoke covering his consciousness.

“I did something unnecessary.”

Muttering to himself, he pulled Hae-won fully onto the bed and placed a pillow under his head.

“Don’t get mad when you wake up. If you don’t want to, I won’t do it. If you don’t want to, blink twice.”

Sitting beside him, he tilted his head close to Hae-won and spoke. Hae-won blinked twice. He looked down at Hae-won as if pondering for a moment, then lay down lengthwise and turned Hae-won’s face, which was slightly tilted the other way, toward him. His face appeared close up.

“Sorry, but I can’t hold back. Fuck, how can I hold back?”

Grabbing Hae-won’s cheek, he pressed his lips over his. Hot lips and a thick tongue thrust into his mouth. He couldn’t move a single finger.

He wasn’t naive; he was an idiot. Of all times, right after being dumped by Hyun Woo-jin, after hearing “don’t contact me again,” “it’s really over now.”

After breaking up with him, everything felt like it was twisting into a mess. He barely managed to make a faint sound of refusal. Though it was just a moan, he stopped moving and pulled his lips away. The man’s cheeks looking down at Hae-won were flushed with excitement.

“I won’t hurt you. I’ll use a condom too. Okay? It’s fine, right?”

Hae-won blinked twice. He pretended not to see his refusal. From the moment he started taking off his clothes, even his consciousness was eroded by the drug, his vision blurred turbidly, and soon everything went dark. Hae-won closed his eyes.

∞ ∞ ∞

A viciously ringing phone bell stimulated his consciousness, which felt swollen and puffy. His head felt like it would split. Hae-won frowned, making all sorts of faces, and opened his eyes. Not even realizing he was on his officetel bed, he found his phone and answered.

“……Yes.”

—This is Sergeant Kim Seok-ho from the Criminal Investigation Unit. Is this Moon Hae-won’s phone?

“Yes.”

Not even knowing what was being said, but hearing his name called, Hae-won answered yes. Lying face down, he gradually gathered his senses.

—Ah, why aren’t you answering your phone? Do you know how many times I’ve called?

“Yes.”

—Get a grip. Are you still out of it?

“……Yes.”

—Did you take a piss?

“Yes.”

—No, I’m asking if you peed. Pee! Urine!

“……What?”

—You need to collect your first urine. Don’t forget and be sure to collect it. Understood?

“What are you talking about… Who are you?”

—Sergeant Kim Seok-ho from the Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency’s Criminal Investigation Unit. It seems you were drugged yesterday, Moon Hae-won. You need to collect your urine so there’s no problem proving the charges, so when you wake up, collect your first urine properly. You can collect it in a clean container. Something with a lid like a side dish container is fine, not a paper cup. Got it? Moon Hae-won, are you listening?

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

—Then just remember one thing. Don’t just pee; collect it. Without that, punishing this person might be difficult, so be sure to remember.

“My head hurts…”

—Haah, I’ll send an officer to your place, so just do as you’re told. Understood? Are you listening? Moon Hae-won, hey! Moon Hae-won! Hey!

Hae-won fell asleep, phone in hand, eyes closed.

In the middle of sleeping, he had to open his eyes again at the sound of the intercom. Without the energy to ask who it was, he opened the door, thinking if they had business, they should do it quickly and leave, and Hae-won collapsed onto the bed.

The person who entered his officetel was a uniformed police officer. Led by the officer who said he was from the Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency, Hae-won barely got up, went into the bathroom, and urinated into the container he handed over.

Only after showering and drinking strong coffee to regain his senses did he notice the officer standing there holding the container with his urine.

Saying they had to go, he urged Hae-won to change clothes quickly. Hae-won changed clothes, got into the police car, and headed to the Seoul Metropolitan Police Agency. Only after getting into the police car, where the doors couldn’t be opened from inside, did Hae-won ask,

“Where are we going? What did I do wrong?”

“You’re going to the police station. It’s not that you did something wrong; you were victimized.”

“Huh? Me?”

In the rearview mirror, a pitiful gaze looked at Hae-won.

“You’ll hear the details when we get to the station.”

He was completely out of it. Why did his lips hurt so much again? A sharp pain remained, as if he’d kissed Hyun Woo-jin for hours, hurting whenever he spoke.

At the Criminal Investigation Unit, the rough-looking man he’d seen at the samgyeopsal restaurant yesterday was sitting with a bad posture, writing something. The officer who brought Hae-won to him also handed over the container with Hae-won’s urine. As if determined to embarrass Hae-won standing before him, Kim Seok-ho received the urine container and asked the officer,

“First?”

“It’s what I collected as soon as I arrived.”

“Good work. Have a seat. Ha, I don’t know if this is some coincidence or someone’s scheme, but anyway, we meet again. You’re the one who prank-called Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin yesterday, right?”

“……”

“It’s okay, sit down. That’s not why I called you.”

Hae-won sat in the empty chair placed in front of his desk.

Though he’d never had his fortune told, if he did, he’d surely be warned that this year’s luck with legal matters wasn’t good and he should be careful. He couldn’t even remember how many times he’d been in and out of police stations.

In front of the flustered Hae-won, Kim Seok-ho placed a fruit drink. Just as Hae-won was about to gulp it down because his throat was dry, he made a tsk tsk sound. Hae-won looked up and met the face and eyes looking at him as if he were pitiful.

“You shouldn’t just accept opened drinks from people.”

“……”

The fruit drink had its cap already removed. He glanced between the drink and the man.

“That’s how you end up unconscious—taking things from strangers.”

“What happened yesterday?”

“I’m still amazed myself. Of all days, we got a tip about prostitution at that motel yesterday. The guy on duty told me to check it out, so what could I do? I went. While searching room by room, they said there was a familiar face sprawled on a bed? Looking closer, it was you. The guy who prank-called the prosecutor.”

“……Was I like that because of drugs?”

“They call it a ‘roofie.’ It’s a date-rape drug, but apparently the guy was a beginner and put in way too much. That’s why you lost consciousness completely. If it weren’t for me yesterday, Moon Hae-won, you would’ve been in real trouble.”

“Did I… I mean, did anything…”

“You were clothed. Don’t worry.”

“……Okay.”

He had no memory of how he got home yesterday. But thankfully, it seemed he had managed to find his way home, change clothes, and fall asleep. He’d been so out of it he hadn’t even noticed, but this morning, Hae-won was wearing pajamas.

“Nothing’s been spiked, so don’t worry and drink up. From now on, don’t just take things from others.”

Hae-won gulped down the drink. His mouth was parched, and his head was spinning. Barely keeping his wits about him, he gave his statement. When asked if he wanted to press charges against the man from last night, he shook his head. Pressing charges would lead to prosecution, prosecution would require facing a prosecutor, and with his luck, the case might even end up with Hyun Woo-jin.

If he found out, he’d be disappointed. After telling him I wanted to see him, I almost ended up in that state with a stranger in a motel. Even I’m disappointed in myself; how much more would Woo-jin be? Even if the case wasn’t assigned to Woo-jin, if it was filed, news of it might reach his ears, and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want him to find out that after we broke up, I drank, went to a motel with a man, got drugged by him, lost consciousness, and made a mess of myself in front of others.

Still, he politely declined Kim Seo-kho’s attempts to persuade him to press charges for proper punishment, finished only his statement, and left the police station.

∞ ∞ ∞

It didn’t feel like he had broken up with Hyun Woo-jin; it felt like Hyun Woo-jin had overturned his entire world. Tumbling and falling, then collapsing again, rolling in the dirt, being trampled… It was just a breakup with someone, yet everything was a complete mess.

Putting aside his life falling apart, putting aside not being able to practice, the most unbearable thing was the wretched desire to call him, the one who had told him never to call again. He wanted to go to him, get on his knees, and beg to see him again, but he absolutely couldn’t bring himself to do that. Facing his own true desire to go to Woo-jin’s officetel, Hae-won realized that once a person starts clinging and becoming pathetic, they truly hit rock bottom.

Hae-won deliberately stopped by his family home to look at the living proof of how hollow and futile love could be. His mother, in her final moments, refused to let his father see her because of this woman.

His mother hadn’t wanted his father, who was living with a young and beautiful woman, to see her old, sickly, withering away like plastic. Her stubbornness persisted until the moment of her death, and his mother left, lonely and alone. Because she loved Father, and because that Father loved another woman.

Hae-won knew better than anyone in the world how sordid and dirty love could be.

“Why are you staring like that?”

His stepmother, who had been arranging flowers, glanced sideways at Hae-won, who was staring intently.

“You don’t love Father, do you?”

“My goodness, I’m speechless. I must have lived too long. Hearing all sorts of nonsense.”

This was the love of his stepmother, who had argued that their love was eternal and sublime, even as it rendered his mother’s life insignificant. This was her love at this very moment. Love is this worthless. It only shines for that moment. Right now, in this moment, he just wanted to see him. Right now, in this moment, he just wanted to hear his voice.

He’d rather waste his energy fighting with his stepmother. Hae-won went looking for a fight. He wondered how Gao Ling, whom Father was meeting in San Francisco, was doing.

“She’s twenty-one, or maybe twenty-two.”

“What is?”

“Gao Ling.”

“Gao Ling?”

“Ah, you didn’t know? Father said you knew. Father set up a place in San Francisco, right? Her name is Gao Ling, and she’s twenty-one or twenty-two, whatever. She was a waitress at a Chinese restaurant, they say. Her limbs are incredibly long and slender like a ballerina’s, and they say if you put her in a cheongsam, she’d put Tang Wei to shame.”

It probably wasn’t Tang Wei but some other name, but since Tang Wei was the only Chinese actress he knew, Hae-won provoked his stepmother by saying Father’s affair partner was as pretty as Tang Wei.

“He set up a place with a twenty-year-old Chinese girl?!”

“Not twenty, twenty-one or two. Ah… you didn’t know.”

As Hae-won muttered indifferently, his stepmother’s face instantly flushed red, and she shot up from her seat. She stormed into the bedroom where Father was taking a nap.

Sounds of a fierce fight—threats of killing and saving—came from beyond the bedroom door. It seemed Father had recently gifted his stepmother a cheongsam. For that bitch? Did you buy this cheongsam because you wanted to see that bitch and put it on me? Slap, slap—he didn’t know what was being hit, but the sound of flesh being struck rang out loudly.

The housekeeper, who had been bringing refreshments, cleared the living room table strewn with disarranged flower arrangements and muttered.

“Ugh, they were quiet for a while, why are they like this again?”

“Love is that ugly.”

“Huh? What did Hae-won say?”

“It’s nothing.”

Hae-won speared a piece of melon brought by the housekeeper with a fork, put it in his mouth, and slumped onto the sofa. Hyun Woo-jin’s face filled his vision.

A few days ago, he had deleted the photo of him he couldn’t stop looking at from his phone. He had deleted the voice file the day before that, but suddenly he wanted to see him like crazy.

Not knowing how to recover deleted photos, he even took it to a professional service and paid to recover the photos and voice files. After deleting and recovering them, repeating that about three times, the paid service, not wanting to know any more, taught him how to recover deleted files for free, and Hae-won simply stopped deleting them altogether.

Leaving behind the marital fight between his father and stepmother, Hae-won left the family home. Even after seeing with his own eyes how hollow love could be, he still wanted to see Hyun Woo-jin.

He searched for flights and booked a plane to Bangkok. He also booked a hotel to stay at. A few days later, he packed a few summer clothes into a carry-on, grabbed his violin, and left his officetel. He had plenty of time, but he headed straight to the airport.

Unless he went to a country with a different season and completely refreshed his mood, he couldn’t break out of this current state where he felt like he was dying because of Hyun Woo-jin.

Arriving at the airport, Hae-won got his boarding pass and headed to the gate. He had no separate luggage to check. Just a small carry-on and his violin. He passed through airport security, sat in the airline lounge, and waited to board.

On the runway, darkened by the fallen night, various planes bound for countries around the world stood ready. Watching the planes taking off and landing, Hae-won felt a rare excitement, hoping that going to a place where he wouldn’t hear his native language might stop his thoughts of Hyun Woo-jin.

He liked Thai food, so he usually went to Bangkok twice a year, but he hadn’t gone this year. He didn’t go for city tours or vacations to Thailand’s beautiful beaches; he would stay at a five-star hotel all day, eating, sleeping, swimming, exercising, and since he couldn’t not play the violin, he’d consciously just warm up his hands.

Maybe this time, instead of just holing up in the hotel, I’ll go to the beach. Get a tan under the hot sun, listen to the waves, try a sand bath. Try jet skiing, try yachting.

Just for a moment, lost in thoughts other than Hyun Woo-jin, he was looking at his phone, searching for nice hotels, wondering if he should book a pool villa or not, when…

“Excuse me.”

Hae-won just looked up at the person. A flight attendant from the airline he was flying with and an airport employee were standing there. The flight attendant asked with a beaming smile.

“Are you passenger Moon Hae-won, traveling to Bangkok on KE 653 departing at 18:20?”

“Yes, why?”

“You’ll need to come with us briefly regarding your instrument.”

This time, the airport employee spoke. They were staring at the violin he had placed on the seat beside him.

“Why is that necessary?”

Hae-won asked without moving from his position, still searching for hotels on his phone.

“You didn’t declare the instrument, did you?”

“I booked a seat for it. There should be no issue with bringing it into the cabin.”

Hae-won sighed and put down his phone. He opened his bag and showed his passport and boarding pass. Since it was such a high-value instrument and airlines had arbitrary rules, with some ignorant people insisting it must be checked, he usually purchased an extra seat when booking his flight and brought his violin into the cabin.

“We received a call from Daemyung Instrument Bank’s vault. They said you are carrying an instrument that cannot be taken overseas…”

The employee said cautiously.

“What does that mean? This isn’t a rented instrument; it’s my personal property. The insurance is also under my name. If you check, you’ll know.”

He had just returned from China not long ago, and there were no issues then. Of course, that time he took a chartered flight with over a hundred orchestra instruments packed in specially made boxes and moved them all at once, so the situation was different from now, but the departure procedures were the same.

“Daemyung Instrument Bank employees are on their way now, so I’m afraid you’ll have to wait for departure.”

Really, of all things to happen.

Indescribable irritation surged. It was truly strange. Since breaking up with Hyun Woo-jin, everything had gotten tangled and become a mess. It wasn’t that thinking that way caused these things to happen; the situation was genuinely flowing that way. Nothing was going right.

“Please come with us to our office to wait.”

“My ticket is first class. This is the last flight to Bangkok today, and I’ve booked a hotel. If I miss this flight and lose a day, I’ll bill you later for the daily cost. For now, you need to arrange the same flight and hotel.”

“We’ll handle it as quickly as possible.”

“It’s two seats. Including this violin. You obviously need to secure seats for both.”

Hae-won spoke coldly, picked up his violin and bag, and stood up.

The Daemyung Cultural Foundation used its arts fund to purchase high-value instruments and lent them to promising artists. Since purchasing them individually was extremely expensive and maintenance costs were high, the foundation operated a system where they selected musicians through intense auditions or lent instruments to competition winners for a set period, managing them.

Artists borrowed famous instruments to deliver good music, and when an artist won an international competition, the Daemyung Cultural Foundation gained publicity as a sponsor. In his case, he had purchased it directly, so the violin was Hae-won’s personal private property and had no relation to the Daemyung Group.

Sitting in the airport security office, he waited for the misunderstanding to be cleared up. Traffic congestion delayed the arrival of the instrument bank employees, and the inspection took time, so Hae-won, who had been waiting endlessly, ultimately missed his flight.

“We apologize. It seems there was a misunderstanding on our company’s part. There is a flight departing at the same time tomorrow, but first class is fully booked. Would it be possible to arrange business class for you?”

“…….”

“We’re sorry.”

The instrument bank employee, who had opened his violin case, taken it apart, flipped it over, touched it, checked the serial number, and caused all sorts of commotion, bowed his head apologetically to the airport security manager, who was fervently apologizing to Hae-won.

Hae-won, with his hands shoved in his pockets, listened to what they were saying without responding, then took out his phone.

“It’s me. Did you finish fighting?”

―Hey, what do I do if you go and confess all that without any loyalty? Freeze the card? Report the card lost?!

His father’s voice boomed from the other end of the phone.

“I’m at the airport right now. These bastards disassembled my violin, messed with it as they pleased, and now they’re saying it was a misunderstanding. I missed my flight, and they say I should go business class. And that’s tomorrow.”

―Where are you going that you’re at the airport? And why the violin?

“I was trying to go to Bangkok.”

―Why there all of a sudden? Is there a concert?

“There was, but it got canceled because of these people. Send me a lawyer. I want to claim all damages and even press criminal charges.”

―Get the list of people involved. Is it okay if you go to Bangkok tomorrow?

His father asked with fatherly concern.

“It’s canceled, why would I go? I don’t want to go. Suddenly everything’s a bother.”

―So fickle. I’ll send Attorney Park right away, so wait just an hour.

“I can’t wait any longer. I want to go home. I’ll take a picture of their business cards and send them to you, so tell him to contact those people.”

After hanging up with his father, Hae-won asked the airport employees for their business cards. He took pictures of the cards and sent them to his father, then pushed aside the hands of the instrument bank employee who was carefully trying to repack the violin and packed it himself. It was childish, but he wanted to call Hyun Woo-jin and ask him to throw all these people in jail if possible.

Why does nothing go right?

He was so dumbfounded and frustrated that during the time he was under suspicion—whether it was an investigation or inspection—for allegedly smuggling a high-value instrument, the thoughts of Hyun Woo-jin that had been filling his mind disappeared, but soon, like a tidal wave, thoughts of him came rushing back.

He tried meeting someone else to forget him, but not only did he get drugged with a date-rape drug he’d never experienced before, but on his way to travel to forget, he got wrongly detained and suffered this humiliation…

Since being dumped by Hyun Woo-jin, nothing has gone right at all. It’s a mess. Everything has become a complete mess. His body, his mind, life itself is a complete mess.

The only way to recover from this was to see Hyun Woo-jin again. It seemed like if he saw him, everything would be restored. The thought that arose stubbornly didn’t fade and dominated Hae-won’s entire consciousness.

I have to see him again.

“We are truly sorry. Please forgive us.”

“When the lawyer comes later, you can talk to him.”

“If you’re going home, we’ll escort you.”

“It’s fine. I’ll take a taxi.”

Still, the employee’s polite apologetic attitude softened his heart a little. While everyone else was leaving, the feeling of being unable to leave anywhere and having to turn back from the airport was unbearably hollow. Getting into a taxi and returning to his officetel made him feel like a fool. By now, he should have been flying over Chinese airspace.

Lying on his bed, he looked at the photo of Hyun Woo-jin he had deleted and restored four times on his phone and cried pathetically.

Saying nothing goes right was no exaggeration. As if someone was interfering, everything he tried went awry. A few days later, to somehow try to forget daily life, he headed to Gangwon-do, where his father’s resort was located.

He called a long-distance taxi, but the road was so congested he checked and found that due to a large-scale drunk driving crackdown, the road to Gangwon-do had literally become a parking lot, and the car wasn’t moving at all. When the taxi driver said it would be difficult to arrive today, Hae-won had no choice but to turn the car around. Once he fell like that, he didn’t want to do anything. He didn’t want the resort or anything.

∞ ∞ ∞

A drizzling rain fell.

He met him while being questioned as a reference regarding Tae-shin at the police station, and that’s when he learned that the person Tae-shin liked was Hyun Woo-jin. That was already last year.

Since then, many things happened. He met him again, pushed away his advances, fell for a kind and sincere man, and came to like him.

On the street, people with colorful umbrellas busily came and went as the rain signaled the transition from autumn to winter.

Hae-won left home. He walked aimlessly in the rain. He walked, getting thoroughly soaked, to his officetel. Now, without pressing the door lock code that probably wouldn’t work anymore, he waited for Hyun Woo-jin in front of the officetel door. He was finally doing what he had sworn he would never do.

Knowing that he often worked overnight at the office, and even if he came, it was only to shower and change clothes briefly, he waited. He kept waiting. If waiting meant he could see him even for a moment, that alone was enough. It didn’t matter what happened after meeting again. He just wanted to see his face, even just once.

My body, drenched in the rain, trembled violently. A chill ran through me. I waited until my lips turned blue. I waited all night. I crouched by the door and stayed up through the night. I dozed off for a moment, then forced my heavy eyelids open, thinking I might freeze to death like this.

That damn Hyun Woo-jin didn’t appear until after five in the morning, opening the elevator door. It would have been more dramatic if snow had been falling, piling white snow on his head and shoulders, but Hae-won, pitifully soaked by the rain, crumpled in the officetel hallway, barely managed to keep his eyes open and looked at him.

With an indifferent expression, he walked over, saw me, yet still unlocked the door lock and went inside.

The door slammed shut.

“……”

Since it was expected, Hae-won just curled his crouched body even tighter and shivered violently. His hands shouldn’t freeze; his body was part of the instrument, so his hands, feet, anywhere shouldn’t get hurt……. Hae-won knew this, yet he trembled and stayed in that spot. To disgust him, to make him sick of it, to make him so fed up he wouldn’t even want to look.

I saw his face once, so I waited to see it twice.

An irresistible drowsiness washed over him. The chill that made his toes and fingers curl was no longer felt. Hae-won buried his face in his knees. Just as he was about to fall asleep, the door suddenly swung open, and he cursed as he pulled Hae-won up. His blue-tinted lips trembled uncontrollably, unintentionally.

“……”

Frowning and glaring silently, he dragged Hae-won inside. His stiff, rigid body was pulled in. The door closed behind Hae-won.

“Ye, ye, yes, on all fours.”

“What?”

He was trembling too much to speak. The inside of the officetel was filled with the warmth Hae-won had longed for. Hae-won barely calmed his shivering and spoke.

“I crawled here on all fours.”

“……”

“I wanted to disgust you……, what should I do?”

“……”

He didn’t trust him. He condemned the things he had done. He thought he must have played with Tae-shin too. Even when he told the truth, he didn’t believe him, misunderstanding him as if it were only natural. He thought he deserved to be misunderstood.

He hadn’t considered his feelings at all. He only saw what he wanted to see, heard what he wanted to hear. He interpreted things as he saw and heard them. He ignored his inner self, devoid of material desires, who loved consistency so much that even if a wonderful new car was released, he would buy the same comfortable, familiar car he had been driving again.

He dismissed his passion, staying up all night to work and study to do what he wanted, not following his parents’ wishes, as ambition for power.

He didn’t see his frugality, his lack of interest in adorning his appearance. Hae-won was only seeing the shell of him that he wanted to see.

He didn’t know he liked him this much. Hae-won didn’t know his own heart well either.

He liked him. He liked him so much that if he were told to kneel here, he would kneel and beg.

Moon Hae-won liked Hyun Woo-jin.

“I’m sorry, Hyung.”

“……”

“I was wrong. Prosecutor. Seonbae. Mister. Sir.”

“……”

“I was really wrong.”

Embarrassingly, tears fell in a stream. He couldn’t even remember the last time he cried over something like this, but because of Hyun Woo-jin, Hae-won’s tears hadn’t dried up lately. Thick tears fell, drop by drop, onto his frozen cheeks.

He liked him so much he couldn’t think objectively or logically. It was a situation where misunderstanding was inevitable. He cried because it was unfair. If the positions were reversed, he would have misunderstood even more.

He had smashed Lee Jin-young’s car and broken his nose, yet he ended things with Hae-won, saying Hae-won didn’t trust him, believed what he saw, and treated him like trash. He was wrong too, but now he couldn’t argue about such things. He only wanted to hold onto Hyun Woo-jin somehow.

“……I was wrong.”

Hae-won barely managed to speak. His voice trembled, choked with tears. The fallen tears soaked his chest.

“I know, so stop now.”

“……”

“I know.”

“……I was wrong.”

“……”

His eyes, which had been turned away, turned toward Hae-won. He looked at him with trembling, blurred eyes. His frozen body shook intermittently, and the tears that had pooled heavily fell without him even blinking.

He, who had been standing with a cold face, approached. Hae-won raised his eyes toward him. Unintentionally, his lips trembled.

“……Wrong.”

Hyun Woo-jin grabbed his arm and pulled him sharply. Hae-won buried his face in his chest. Hae-won painfully contorted his face and closed his eyes. With arms trembling from the cold, he embraced his waist.

“Why didn’t you use an umbrella?”

He whispered something in his ear, whether it was a scolding or a sigh, and hugged Hae-won tightly enough to suffocate him, busily rubbing his shoulders and back to generate even a little warmth. As he was enveloped in his warmth and scent, the tension eased, and it felt like strength was draining from his body.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s cold. Take off your shoes and come up.”

Dragging his stiff, barely movable legs, he followed as he led. Sitting Hae-won on the bed, Hyun Woo-jin placed his cold, stiff hands against his own cheeks, and when they still didn’t warm up, he brought them to his neck, then tucked them inside his shirt against his stomach.

“Why are you so wet? Did you walk here?”

“I just wanted to walk.”

Leaving his hand on his stomach, he stroked Hae-won’s frozen, stiff cheeks and wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes. A runny nose snuffled, and he sniffled.

“This won’t do. Come here.”

He pulled back the bedding and laid Hae-won on the bed. He turned up the heating and brought hot honey water. His frozen fingertips, melting in the heat, tingled. Hae-won sniffled and drank the tea. Hyun Woo-jin’s plan to just stop by, wash up, change clothes, and leave was ruined by Hae-won with his runny nose.

He took off Hae-won’s coat and put it away, lay down on the bed together, and covered their bodies with thick bedding. He wrapped both arms tightly around Hae-won. He also trapped his legs between his own. Completely trapped by him, Hae-won pressed his lips to his neck and greedily inhaled Hyun Woo-jin’s scent, which he had longed for so much that his bones ached.

He was the kind of person who, wanting to see him, would stare like a madman at photos on his phone, and wanting to hear his voice, would play recorded audio countless times…….

Unbearable tears streamed down, wetting the pillow. His hand stroked the back of Hae-won’s head and neck. He had doubted these warm hands. He had misunderstood this person with such warm hands. Wanting to be held more, Hae-won tightly hugged his waist and rested his forehead on his shoulder.

“What would you have done if I hadn’t come?”

“I was going to keep waiting. Until you came.”

“……Are you rebelling, or putting on a show? Why do you keep using formal speech?”

“Because I was wrong, I’m reflecting.”

“Do you know what you did wrong?”

“Yes.”

“What did you do wrong?”

“I misunderstood and thought whatever I wanted. I didn’t trust Hyung.”

“That guy is trash?”

His arm loosened, and he pulled his head back to look down at Hae-won. Their eyes met. The trembling in his body had already stopped, and the chill that had been gripping him eased as blood circulated, warming him everywhere. Hae-won nodded in agreement.

“I thought you were a psychopath.”

At his words, he gave a disbelieving laugh. Hae-won leaned against the arm pulling him close again. He buried his cheek in his collarbone and rubbed against it. His vision wavered like a heat haze. Something desolate, not quite relief, pierced through Hae-won’s chest and passed.

It felt as if the time he had lived as himself, his history, his identity, were corroding and disappearing without form before him. If he had intended to correct his bad habits, then it had gone according to his wishes. Hae-won was no longer Moon Hae-won. Hae-won wanted to become Hyun Woo-jin’s and was willing to become so.

“It must have seemed that way. I was short-sighted. I told unnecessary lies and caused misunderstandings.”

As if apologizing, Hyun Woo-jin said that not telling him anything had ultimately led to misunderstandings and hurt each other.

“I’m sorry. I think I’ll cling to Hyung from now on.”

“Try clinging.”

“I’ve never done it before, so I might do it intensely.”

“Let me work.”

“……I don’t want to.”

“Sleep a little. Don’t think about anything now.”

He whispered softly. Not wanting to let him go, Hae-won put all his strength into hugging him. With all his might, enough to suffocate. Holding onto him, he let go of his flickering consciousness.

∞ ∞ ∞

It was the flu. A severe body ache from a cold had overcome him. His fever was so high he didn’t know if Hyun Woo-jin was beside him or not. It had been so long since he had been this sick that his memory was faint. Crying in front of a man, realizing he genuinely liked someone, hurting as if his whole body were melting—everything was a first.

When he finally came to and opened his eyes, what Hae-won faced was the white hospital ceiling.

It was a quiet single room. His throat was dry, and as he licked his parched lips with his tongue, Hae-won was startled. His lips were chapped and cracked, feeling not like human skin but like licking the ground.

He sat up. He turned his dazed eyes. Even though mist-like steam spread from the humidifier, his throat was painfully dry. He picked up the water cup on the side table. The cup, half-filled with water, was so heavy he needed both hands to lift it.

Hae-won barely moistened his painfully sore throat, which felt like it was choking. An IV was inserted in his arm, administering medication. Sitting up, he pressed the bell by the head of the bed. Shortly after, the door opened, and a nurse entered.

“You’re awake now? Let me check your blood pressure and temperature.”

The nurse took Hae-won’s blood pressure and temperature. She didn’t say anything, likely within normal range.

“When did I come here……”

His voice cracked dryly. The nurse mixed hot and cold water appropriately from the water dispenser and handed him warm water. Hae-won nodded in thanks and drank the water.

“Prosecutor Hyun brought you three days ago. You know Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin, right? The director’s second son.”

“……Yes.”

“Your fever was severe until yesterday, but you’re fine today. I’ll bring you a meal, so eat and take your medicine.”

“Sorry, but do you happen to know where my phone is?”

“I don’t think I’ve seen your personal belongings. Just a moment.”

The nurse opened drawers here and there where personal items were stored and looked for Hae-won’s belongings, but his phone didn’t seem to be among them.

“Do you need to contact someone?”

“I want to talk to Woo-jin Hyung.”

“I don’t think the prosecutor’s contact information is here, and I can’t ask the director.”

She looked troubled and searched again for the phone that probably wasn’t there. Then, with a knock, the door opened.

“Doctor, you’re here? The patient is awake. Blood pressure and temperature are normal.”

The nurse bowed cheerfully and greeted Choi Hyun-mi. Choi Hyun-mi, wearing a white coat, entered. Hae-won bowed his head slightly to greet her. Even that small movement of just nodding made his whole body ache.

“Mr. Hae-won, are you okay now?”

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“Woo-jin was very worried. I think he stopped by this morning and then went to work.”

Choi Hyun-mi placed the back of her hand on Hae-won’s forehead. As her slightly cold hand touched his forehead, his vision cleared. Choi Hyun-mi’s hand, having checked for a slight fever, disappeared into the pocket of her white coat. Seeing Hyun Woo-jin’s mother, Hae-won unbearably wanted to see Hyun Woo-jin. He wanted to see him so badly he was anxious.

“You’re Woo-jin’s hubae, right? It’s true that Woo-jin took the case about being harassed by a stalker.”

Although something very important was omitted, it was all true. Hae-won nodded in agreement.

“Please bring a meal. Bring something soft.”

Choi Hyun-mi spoke to the nurse, who was standing blankly as if waiting for something. The nurse exclaimed and hurried out.

“Your parents are abroad, so you live alone, right? Woo-jin was so worried, saying there’s no one to take care of you, no one to look after you. Our son isn’t usually like that.”

“I’ve been greatly indebted to Seonbae. I’ll definitely repay you later.”

Hearing that he had worried and cared about him in front of others, especially his own mother, somehow made his chest swell with pride and feel warm, as if a spring breeze was gently blowing. Suddenly, the world seemed different.

Things could change like this overnight. It was like the world being created anew overnight. He hadn’t knelt, but even if he had knelt before him, he wouldn’t have regretted it. Hyun Woo-jin was worth that much to Hae-won.

“Then, will you play the violin for me again?”

“Huh?”

“The violin. I’ve been listening to classical music a lot lately. I wrote down the titles I want to hear on my phone.”

Choi Hyun-mi fumbled in her pocket and pulled out her phone.

“I’ll play for you later when I’m better.”

“Is such a request rude? I’m really asking because I don’t know much.”

“No. And please speak comfortably. It feels awkward since you’re Seonbae’s mother.”

If it were anyone else, he would have refused, but because she was Hyun Woo-jin’s mother, the one who gave birth to such a handsome Hyun Woo-jin, raised him smartly and properly, Hae-won sincerely wanted to play for her with all his heart.

“Ah, maybe. Then?”

“Yes.”

After spending a beneficial time building a bit more familiarity with Ms. Choi Hyun-mi, Hae-won ate a late lunch of porridge. He took his medicine, took a nap, woke up, and showered. He looked so shabby and unattractive in the loose, plain patient gown that he scrubbed himself vigorously. Although there was a slight pain each time he swallowed, after eating dinner, his condition had almost returned to normal.

Calculating the dates, three days had passed since he went to find him. It seemed as if his mind had been sick, and his body had followed. He had overworked his mind wanting to see Hyun Woo-jin, wanting to touch Hyun Woo-jin, so his body had also become a wreck.

He thought he wouldn’t accept him. He believed he would coldly ignore him. When he hugged him, the tension that had tightened his body to the extreme eased as if it were a lie. His mind had been completely hazy. He was so relieved that he had been accepted that only now did Hae-won let out a sigh of relief. He felt so unfamiliar with himself for thinking this way that it seemed like he wasn’t himself.

At first, he didn’t dislike it; the feeling of not disliking it changed to liking, and the feeling of liking grew so much that it reached the point where he couldn’t do without him.

It wasn’t that he was sorry for misunderstanding Hyun Woo-jin and hurting him; it was that he couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing him in the future. Pride and such things were useless before such feelings.

On that rainy day, he finally went to his officetel. To ask for his forgiveness and beg for his heart. To cling pathetically. He had done things he had never done in his life, but he didn’t regret them. Rather, he wanted to praise himself for doing well. This sense of fulfillment was a first. It was different from the satisfaction of perfectly mastering a difficult piece.

Lying on the hospital bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, Hae-won realized he was happy, that this was the feeling of happiness.

He was chewing on snacks bought from the hospital convenience store with ten thousand won borrowed from a nurse and watching a trashy drama on the TV in his room when the door opened without a knock.

Hyun Woo-jin entered, wearing a black coat with a black jacket inside, a thin lightweight padded vest over a white shirt and a navy tie with a diagonal sprite pattern, carrying a briefcase and a large shopping bag.

“Are you okay?”

He approached directly, threw what he was holding onto the sofa, and touched Hae-won’s forehead, cheeks, and nape as he asked. Hae-won, holding a snack bag, nodded.

“Don’t wait in front of my house again.”

As if he had finally set his mind at ease, he pulled Hae-won’s head and hugged him to his chest. Hae-won’s face was buried in the soft, thin padding.

If he had known, if he had known Hyun Woo-jin would forgive him, he would have gone and waited every day. The days when he struggled to forget him came to mind. Every time he struggled to forget, nothing went as he wished. It felt like the whole world was interfering with his desperate attempts to forget him.

Hae-won hugged his waist and inhaled Hyun Woo-jin’s scent deeply into his lungs for a long time.

“You told me to come on all fours.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Are you no longer angry?”

“I’m not angry.”

“I’m sorry for speaking carelessly.”

“Just stop. It’s not like you.”

“Why do I keep saying things without thinking?”

“…….”

He let go of my head and stepped back. Hae-won looked up at him gazing down at me.

“Stop.”

Hyun Woo-jin said with an ambiguous expression, neither smiling nor not smiling.

“Stop what?”

“Enough. You’re acting like a different person. It’s weird.”

“Using polite speech with someone older is normal. It’s not weird at all.”

“I won’t get angry.”

“…….”

“I’m not angry.”

“……Really?”

“Yeah.”

“You won’t say something different later, will you?”

“Don’t just say ‘you.’ That really sounds bad.”

“Okay.”

He hugged Hae-won’s head to his chest again and patted it. After holding him for a long time, when he let go, Hae-won missed the fading warmth and got up from the hospital bed to wrap his arms around his waist.

“I’ve already told the station, so you can be discharged. Let go for a second.”

“No. I said I’d stick to you.”

“I know, so just hold on a second.”

He forcibly peeled Hae-won off. He brought over the shopping bag he had tossed on the sofa. From the large shopping bag, a white padded jacket with a sports brand logo, ski gloves, and a fluffy scarf endlessly tumbled out.

“Change your clothes. I’ll take you home.”

Hae-won took off the hospital gown and changed into the clothes he brought. Hyun Woo-jin helped him into the white padded jacket. He put ski gloves on his hands and wrapped the scarf snugly around his neck.

“Wearing a padded jacket already is excessive. No one else is wearing one.”

“Wear it. Don’t complain. I’ll buy you ones in different colors, so just wear this for now. Don’t wear a thin coat.”

“I can’t breathe.”

“You look cute, so just keep it on.”

When Hae-won fidgeted to take off the scarf, he tied the ends in a knot so it couldn’t be undone. It felt less like wearing clothes and more like being swaddled in a fluffy duvet. It wasn’t heavy, but it was bulky and made walking uncomfortable.

“I need to pay back the nurse.”

“What money?”

“Ten thousand won. I bought snacks.”

He laughed as if exasperated and paid the nurse ten thousand won on Hae-won’s behalf.

After being discharged, they got into his car. With the heater on, the inside was extremely hot. Sweat was dripping down my back. When Hae-won took off the ski gloves, he turned while driving, about to say something. Hae-won reached out with his sweaty, sticky hand and grabbed Hyun Woo-jin’s right hand, which was resting on the console box with his elbow.

“…….”

The corner of his mouth lifted. He interlocked their fingers and held Hae-won’s hand. A warmth incomparable to ski gloves enveloped Hae-won’s hand.

Arriving at the officetel, when Hae-won took off the padded jacket, the air touching his skin felt cool, like stepping out of a sauna. He was opening a box brought from the car and filling the refrigerator. He carefully placed things like porridge that could be heated and fruits good for immunity inside.

Hae-won stared at the violin lying there.

“Even if I told you what happened during that time, Hyung probably wouldn’t believe me.”

How many truly terrible and absurd things had happened—all of them occurred after parting from him. The past month or so apart from him was so horrific that Hae-won didn’t even want to dwell on it. He shuddered.

“You told me not to call, so you didn’t call. I thought you had forgotten about me.”

“…….”

That’s truly absurd. Not knowing how hard Hae-won had struggled or what terrible things he had endured, Hyun Woo-jin spoke nonchalantly.

Hae-won looked resentfully at Hyun Woo-jin, who had done nothing wrong. The sight of him standing there in his officetel felt so unbelievable that Hae-won blinked several times, opening and closing his eyes, taking him in for a long time.

“I haven’t practiced for over a month.”

“Is that so?”

He answered indifferently, not knowing what it meant for Hae-won not to touch the violin. It meant he had been almost out of his mind for that month.

His lips, chapped and cracked, felt even drier after constantly licking them. While rubbing facial lotion on his lips, Hae-won felt a gaze and turned his head. Hyun Woo-jin, having finished organizing the refrigerator, was staring at him.

“Want some coffee?”

When Hae-won nodded, Hyun Woo-jin stood in the kitchen and brewed coffee. He scooped finely ground beans into a filter and placed it in the coffee maker. Hot water dripped through the filter into the clear pot, and a deep, rich coffee aroma wafted up.

He soon brought two mugs of coffee. Hae-won sipped the coffee he handed over. It was beans not usually at home. They seemed to have been brought by Hyun Woo-jin in the box he used to fill the refrigerator earlier.

He approached Hae-won, who was sitting on the sofa drinking coffee, and knelt on the floor. On his knees, his gaze was level with Hae-won’s.

“You know you did a lot wrong, right?”

He asked. With the hand holding the mug feeling even warmer, he stroked Hae-won’s cheek. Hae-won met Hyun Woo-jin’s eyes and nodded.

“You won’t misunderstand like that again?”

“I won’t.”

Never again, never again such misunderstandings, such mistakes.

Hae-won shook his head vigorously. Absolutely not. The past month without him was so agonizing; if told to go through it again, he’d rather die.

“If something makes you curious, ask first. Don’t just recklessly charge in.”

“…….”

“Do you know how pissed I was then? It was the first time I felt like killing someone.”

“……You were that angry?”

“Yeah.”

Now it’s gone, but back then, even after I said it, my heart dropped. I hadn’t misread the murderous intent swirling in his eyes when he looked back.

“But why do you keep hanging out with those people? They make Hyung uncomfortable.”

“It’s for work. I need President Kim Jeong-geun’s help.”

“Was the engagement for that too? Because you needed that family’s wealth?”

“Not exactly. Back then, marrying Ha-young felt natural. We’ve been close since childhood, and our parents had already made promises, and yeah. To be honest, I didn’t think it was a losing marriage. And I guess I hoped nothing would happen.”

He spoke calmly. His view of engagement and marriage as a predetermined, natural process set by their families must have been hurtful to Kim Ha-young.

She said Hyun Woo-jin didn’t like her, got drunk, and drove recklessly. One could imagine without asking how much conflict and strife had occurred to disgust him to that point.

She said she was in a traffic accident, became paralyzed on one side, and her face was completely shattered. Surviving such a situation seemed impossible with ordinary resilience.

A woman born a princess, raised as royalty, about to marry a prince from a neighboring country, suffered such a fate. For her, it must have been an unbearable ordeal. Her obsession with constantly confirming Hyun Woo-jin’s feelings ultimately destroyed her.

Hae-won didn’t want to understand the feelings Kim Ha-young must have had for Hyun Woo-jin, but facing him now, he could keenly understand those feelings. If it were Hyun Woo-jin, this man before him, it was more than understandable. Hae-won felt he would likely have done the same.

“Do you know what she last said to me?”

“…….”

Hae-won shook his head, indicating he didn’t know. Curious about what she said, he watched Hyun Woo-jin’s lips.

“She said she’d make sure I never forget her.”

So, she chose suicide.

“Even if it wasn’t love, I tried to take full responsibility as a man. I didn’t know it would hurt her that much.”

Hyun Woo-jin, his sense of guilt and responsibility toward his fiancée corrupted and decayed, rotting from within, contorted his face in pain.

“It’s not Hyung’s fault.”

She just liked Hyun Woo-jin too much, overthrown by her own overwhelming feelings. She was unfortunate, but to Hyun Woo-jin, she was also misfortune. Hae-won touched his cheek, tormented by guilt. He wanted to comfort him.

“I’m clumsy, so I might hurt you.”

“I misunderstood on my own, said things I shouldn’t have to Hyung, and hurt you. Hyung did nothing wrong. It’s my fault.”

He was taking responsibility for something that wasn’t his fault. Hae-won, who had dug up and dragged out the emotions he had deeply suppressed, was angry enough at himself.

“Hyun Woo-jin, you did nothing wrong.”

“You’re saying ‘you’ again?”

“No. Hyung, Woo-jin Hyung did nothing wrong.”

“You really think so?”

He had done nothing wrong. Those who desired him dug into their own tails and were consumed by themselves. Hyun Woo-jin was blameless. He had even tried to take responsibility for her until the end.

“Hyung did nothing wrong.”

“Thank you for coming to apologize first. I thought I might do something to you……, I was scared of myself.”

He spoke with a genuinely grateful expression, as if having put down a heavy burden, his face looking lighter.

“Just what would you have done?”

“How can you say that carelessly without knowing what I’d do?”

“What did you want to do?”

“Well…….”

He tilted his head and pressed his lips against Hae-won’s. Hae-won closed his eyes and parted his lips to let his tongue in. His tongue entered, licking inside Hae-won’s mouth. So overjoyed at being consumed by him, Hae-won let out a trembling moan of ecstasy. Holding his cheeks, they became one and fell onto the sofa.

“I love you.”

When Hyun Woo-jin’s lips parted, Hae-won blurted out the confession without realizing. He paused and looked down at Hae-won. Tears welled up in Hae-won’s eyes as he confessed his love. Embracing his shoulders, Hae-won sobbed out the confession.

“Ah, I love you, I love you…….”

He sucked on Hae-won’s lips forming the words ‘I love you’ and whispered with his breath.

Me too.

End of Volume 4

1] Étude: A piece composed to refine technique

2] Col legno: A technique of playing with the wood of the bow

3] Trill: An ornamental note for extending a tone

4] Double stop glissando: A technique of playing multiple notes simultaneously

5] Pizzicato: A technique of plucking the strings with the fingers

6] Sound post: The part that transmits the vibration of the strings from the bridge to the back plate