8 – Chapter 8 Part 2

Winter had arrived.

When the clouds grew heavy, what fell from the sky was not rain but snow. Of all seasons, it had to be winter. A season where the biting wind gnawed at one’s body.

Fiddling with the sleeve of the down coat Woo-jin had gifted him, Hae-won was looking out the window. The sky was dark, as if a blizzard was about to pour down. Even though it was daytime, the whole world was dim.

He turned his head at the sound of movement. A man in a deep gray coat was approaching him.

“You’re the one who contacted me, right? Nice to meet you. I’m Prosecutor Kim Hanse.”

The man unwound the scarf from his neck and extended his hand. Hae-won slowly looked him over from head to toe.

Raising an eyebrow at Hae-won, who just stared blankly without accepting the handshake, Hanse sat down in front of him.

Woo-jin had said he wouldn’t meet anyone except this man. He was the prosecutor who had charged him with a crime.

Hae-won could only think there must be a reason. He could only assume Woo-jin had deliberately turned himself in to this person for a reason.

Without a word, Hae-won placed the violin case on the table.

Without offering any further explanation to the bewildered gaze, he unzipped the compartment meant for sheet music. Hae-won pulled out a ledger from inside.

He had hidden the documents he was looking for inside the violin case from the start.

Woo-jin must have already known.

While demanding the documents, harassing him, trashing and ransacking the officetel, he hadn’t touched the violin.

The violin case had enough space to hold several volumes of sheet music at once, and Woo-jin knew that too.

It must have been an excuse. A pretext.

He had pretended not to know, even though he clearly did, just to see Hae-won one more time.

“Is this what you sent me via text?”

Hae-won had photographed part of the ledger and sent it via text to Prosecutor Kim Hanse. That was why he had come out to the cafe in front of the prosecutors’ office.

He tore a page from the ledger. As he tore the document without any hesitation, Hanse’s pupils flinched. Hae-won held out the torn ledger page to him.

The prosecutor reflexively took the document. His brow, which had only lowered his gaze to check what was in his hand, soon hardened sharply. He bowed his head and began scanning the contents in earnest. Each time he confirmed something, his eyebrows twitched.

Hae-won watched him while sipping his half-cold coffee.

“What is this?”

He asked, instinctively on guard.

“You don’t know what it is?”

“I’m asking what this is.”

“Are you really asking because you don’t know?”

“I’m asking because I don’t know. No, that’s not it. Who exactly are you? Where did you get this?”

Prosecutor Kim Hanse looked back and forth between the violin case placed on the table and Hae-won’s face, asking as if he couldn’t make heads or tails of the situation.

“You know a person named Park Se-yong there, right?”

“Seriously… Who are you? Huh?”

“Don’t use informal speech. You know Park Se-yong, right?”

“I do.”

“That person took bribes. Can you punish him?”

“If this is true, he should be punished. But to verify if this is real or fake, I need to know who you are.”

Hae-won held out the rest of the ledger. When he reached out to take it, Hae-won snatched it away. The prosecutor stared at Hae-won as if dumbfounded. Hae-won opened another page, showing it to him, telling him not to touch it, just look.

With a displeased expression, but reluctantly, he lowered his gaze and read the contents. His eyes, more surprised than when checking Park Se-yong’s page, turned towards Hae-won.

It wasn’t just surprise; a joy, as if he had found the last missing piece, surfaced as the underlying emotion of his astonishment. Before he could take it, Hae-won quickly retrieved the ledger and put it in the front pocket of the violin case.

“Wait a minute. Let me see a bit more. That, just a moment. Just one page of that.”

“You seem to really need it.”

“Can I see that? No, who the hell are you? Huh? Where did you get that? Give it here. Hand that over.”

Zipping it up and placing the case on the seat beside him, Hae-won asked.

“You need this, right?”

“I’m the chief prosecutor of the Anti-Corruption Division. Did you call me out here to mess with me? Do you want to be arrested for obstruction of justice?”

“Is that so? Then I’ll say I was considering a public interest report, but the prosecutor threatened me. What was it, Kim Hanse? That’s you, right, Prosecutor?”

“……”

Hanse was absurdly dumbfounded but soon changed his attitude.

“So you were someone considering a public interest report. If I was rude, please understand. I have a rather impatient personality. It seems you’ve already had coffee, would you like another drink or maybe some cake?”

Looking down at the coffee on the cafe table, Hanse kindly asked if he needed anything else, saying he should have some coffee too. Hae-won shook his head.

“Do you want this?”

“I do. And I really want to know who you are. It’s kind of driving me crazy.”

“You want it so badly it’s driving you crazy?”

“Yes, I want it so badly it’s driving me crazy.”

His tone was threatening, but he didn’t seem malicious.

There must be a reason he turned himself in to this person. There must be something else.

If Woo-jin trusted this person, Hae-won had to trust him too. Even though he was the one who ruined his life, Hae-won was engaging in this kind of deception again.

“Then I’ll give this to you.”

“Thank you. You’ve made a wise decision.”

“In exchange… get Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin released on a special pardon. Then I’ll give it to you.”

“……”

“Get Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin released on a special pardon.”

Senior Choi, who had no pride or face left, had contacted Woo-jin, promising to get the ledger Hae-won had in exchange for getting him released on a special pardon.

He must have thrown out such a desperate move because it was possible. Because it was a feasible story, he must have begged and pleaded with the person who sent him to prison.

Hae-won’s hand gripped the violin case even tighter.

Kim Hanse, who had been staring intently, let out a cold, scornful laugh.

“Where did you get such a dirty thing, and how dare you, knowing who I am, propose such a deal.”

His voice and expression hardened together as Hanse spoke, creating an intimidatingly cold atmosphere. Hae-won’s hand holding the case tensed up sharply.

“Are you trying to make a deal with me using that ledger now? I don’t handle illegally obtained ledgers.”

“Is that so? Seems you don’t need it. Or maybe you don’t have the ability. Fine. I’ll find someone else. The Supreme Prosecutors’ Office is right there, prosecutors must be scattered all over the place.”

As Hae-won picked up the violin case and tried to just get up, he shouted, “Wait a minute.”

“Give it to me. Just give it to me first.”

“I’ll give it if you promise.”

“How can I make a promise I can’t keep? It’s not something I can promise so easily.”

“…It’s not possible?”

“It’s not.”

“Why not?”

“A special pardon is the president’s authority.”

“You really don’t have the ability, it seems. Fine. I’ll find someone else.”

Hae-won got up from his seat. As he tried to leave, the other man jumped up and blocked his way. Hae-won turned to find another way out. Hanse blocked his path again this time.

Hanse’s eyes wouldn’t leave the violin case slung over Hae-won’s shoulder. His pupils were practically blazing. He wanted it, wanted to see it, wanted to confirm the contents, and he kept swallowing dry saliva down his parched throat.

“I’m not joking. Give that here. Do you really want to be arrested?”

“I haven’t done anything wrong enough to be arrested. I know a bit about the law too.”

“Hey. Ha, no, excuse me. I don’t know who you are, but toying with a prosecutor is also a serious crime.”

“Doesn’t seem like something someone blocking a reporter’s path should say.”

“Huh……”

“I’ll give you this, so make sure Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin gets released on a special pardon. I know all the things you can do.”

“That’s not so easy… Just give it to me first.”

“I’ll give it if you promise.”

“I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”

“…Then I’ll take it to Park Se-yong. I know some lawyers too. If I contact around, I’ll get connected somehow. Move aside.”

As Hae-won tried to just leave, Hanse went ‘uh, uh’ and unconsciously tried to snatch the violin from his hand. Hae-won frowned and avoided his hand.

“Don’t touch my violin.”

“I’m going crazy. Hey, look. Okay. I can’t promise, but I’ll try my best.”

“No. Promise me. Promise me you’ll definitely get him out, get him released on a special pardon. Only then will I give it.”

“Ha, Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin is the one who approved the first trial sentencing. I didn’t want that friend to go to prison either.”

“……”

“I can’t promise. I don’t make promises like that. No, I don’t do deals like this.”

“……”

“But… as a fellow alumnus, I’ll do everything I can. I can promise that.”

Hae-won stared at him intently, then sat back down. He placed the violin case back on the table, unzipped it, took out the ledger, and held it out.

Hanse snatched the documents away as if afraid they’d be taken.

“Doesn’t seem like something Prosecutor Hyun ordered. That guy, a man who only trusts documents, wouldn’t just hand them over after hearing a few words.”

Letting out a sigh and muttering, he frantically flipped through the part Hae-won had shown him. His eyes sparkled with interest as he checked the ledger. A smile of certainty also appeared.

Hanse folded the documents, put them away, and raised his head. His eyes met Hae-won’s, who had been watching intently.

“Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin, get him out.”

“What’s your relationship with Prosecutor Hyun?”

“You don’t need to know that. You received that, so get Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin out.”

“Woo-jin is going to be really upset. Looking at you, I’m starting to feel sorry for that piece of trash.”

“…Please help me.”

If it’s something you can do, if you can help, please help, Hae-won pleaded with a desperate heart.

Because of me, Woo-jin ended up like that; it was like fanning the flames and pouring gasoline on a burning house, but Hae-won pleaded as if grasping at straws.

“I can’t guarantee a lead, but I’ll try. Not necessarily, but within my capabilities, I’ll do my best to make contact.”

“…Thank you.”

“By the way, you’ve only learned bad things. Doesn’t seem like something Prosecutor Hyun ordered.”

“That I handed over this ledger, that I asked for a special pardon to get him out… please never tell Prosecutor Hyun Woo-jin. I’m just reporting for the public interest.”

“Isn’t the price you’re demanding a bit too high for a public interest report? Mr. Violinist.”

“Please.”

Looking at Hae-won politely requesting, Hanse nodded as if vowing to keep his promise.

∞ ∞ ∞

A year had passed.

It was winter again.

Hae-won didn’t dislike any particular season, and if he had to pick one he disliked, it would be humid summer with its sweating and sticky skin, but after a year apart from Woo-jin, he had come to truly hate winter.

Winter was when he first remembered Woo-jin’s hands, which were warm to hold because he had an unusually high body temperature, and since they said he suffered the most in prison, winter became the most difficult season, and thus the most hated.

Winter was a cold season. Even wearing thick clothes, a chilling wind seeped through the small of his back, making his whole body ache.

A year had passed since he parted with him.

Hae-won’s life hadn’t changed. As if the time he spent meeting Woo-jin had been carved out of his life, his daily routine flowed exactly the same as before.

He woke up in the morning, showered, practiced, went to the orchestra, then went to exercise.

As a performer, he couldn’t neglect the humanities, so he read books and watched movies, spending a fairly full day.

Most of the time he didn’t want to do anything, but if he did nothing, the man’s face would fill his mind completely, making it hard to live lazily.

As the year-end approached, the Han-gyeong Symphony Orchestra’s regular concert schedule was also set.

The first half was planned as a collaboration with a world-renowned pianist who had placed in the Chopin Concours, and the second half was to be decorated with orchestra pieces full of Christmas atmosphere under the theme ‘The First Noel’.

He was included in this special pardon list.

He had cut off all contact with those connected to him and changed his phone number. He learned he was included in the special pardon list through the news.

Now it had nothing to do with me. I had broken up with him.

It was a clear breakup, just as he had said, barely understanding and accepting the separation. There would be no reason to contact or meet him again.

The regular concert held on Christmas Eve had a much hotter atmosphere than during Henry Chang’s visit to Korea. The pianist, who deserved the expression ‘young maestro’, wore a brilliant red dress fitting for Christmas and exuded passion on stage.

The third row of the orchestra’s first violin seats was Hae-won’s seat. It wasn’t an out-of-the-way corner untouched by lighting like last year. It was a front seat where he often made eye contact with the conductor, and a position where he was captured together in the frame when the camera enthusiastically captured the pianist playing Shostakovich.

Hae-won placed the violin on his shoulder and drew the bow according to the conductor’s lead. The ring on his left hand’s ring finger pressing the fingerboard sparkled each time it caught the light.

The concert hall resounding with the piano concerto was packed with audience members.

Hae-won gazed beyond the audience seats. No one had come to see me. That was natural, and that was Hae-won’s daily life. Hae-won was alone.

He lifted the violin he had momentarily placed on his knee again. The first violins played the romantically themed melody, leading the orchestra.

Soon, a lyrical piano melody, as if holding its breath, spread through the air.

The Andante, the second movement of Shostakovich’s Piano Concerto No. 2 in F major, Op. 102, was a piece with deep romance and a serene timbre beautiful enough to not be inferior even compared to Chopin’s piano concertos.

Listening to the piano sound as if in a forest, Hae-won felt inexplicably melancholy. His gaze kept sinking gloomily.

The latter half of the first part proceeded with the pianist’s solo performance.

Sitting in the waiting room preparing for the second part, a cellist sharing the waiting room asked Hae-won.

“No flowers this time?”

“They’d have to have someone to send them.”

“Did you break up? I thought you were still dating well.”

Wondering why he thought that, Hae-won looked back at him with puzzled eyes. Applying rosin to his cello bow, he gestured with his eyes towards Hae-won’s left hand.

A ring was on his left ring finger, scattering sparkles each time it caught the light. It seemed to sparkle especially brightly today.

Among all the gifts he had ever received, the one that made Hae-won most disgusted was a ring. He didn’t remember when or who, but there was an incident where someone he met before gifted him a ring.

He had broken up with that man, who had taken his hand and forcibly put the ring on him as a surprise gift, within a few days.

He didn’t announce the breakup; he just ignored contact. The boringly persistent calls were cut off before he even realized. The ring he received then must have rolled around somewhere in the house gathering dust before being sucked into a vacuum cleaner and ending up in the trash.

It wasn’t just any ring; it was a wedding ring, platinum with a small diamond, now on Hae-won’s ring finger.

“Ah, this.”

“That’s so expensive, I looked into it for a couple’s ring for my girlfriend but gave up.”

“It’s expensive?”

“Expensive. Don’t you know how much it is?”

“I found this.”

“Huh?”

The cellist’s eyes widened. Seeing him so surprised, it must be worth tens of millions of won.

“I found this. But it fits my hand perfectly, you see. So I just wear it. It doesn’t fit any other finger, it fits perfectly here.”

He said, looking down at the ring shining on his left ring finger, coincidentally.

“Wow, amazing. You found something really expensive. Just sell it.”

“I didn’t know it was that expensive. I should sell it.”

Speaking desolately, Hae-won fiddled with the ring.

“It’s Christmas Eve today, so what are you going to do?”

“Nothing. Just go home and rest.”

“I’m meeting my girlfriend after this. Isn’t it a bit sad to be alone on a day like this?”

“Not really… I don’t really know about that. Lonely, solitude… stuff like that. Being alone is comfortable.”

“You do seem like that type.”

He exchanged trivial chatter with the cellist.

Hae-won was turning the ring on his finger. A ring that fit his finger perfectly, that wouldn’t go on any other finger, that fit his left ring finger perfectly. The one that was in Woo-jin’s car fit his hand perfectly. It was a strange thing.

Had he been released?

Had he met Choi Hyun-mi?

Being dismissed from his prosecutor position, he lost the job he had pursued with a sense of mission, however it happened. Hae-won wondered if Woo-jin could endure that sense of loss.

Hae-won imagined someone snatching the violin from him and ruining his hands. He placed himself in a situation where he could no longer play the violin he had played all his life. Suddenly, the inside of his heart grew cold. That sense of loss was on par with the terror of his heart chilling.

He had severed all of Woo-jin’s limbs. He had destroyed his identity.

What he had done to Woo-jin was that kind of thing.

Hae-won shook his head. It was something he rightfully had to bear.

He broke up with him. It was over with him. It happened as Hae-won wished. He was the one who had gone to the brink of death because he wanted to end it with him, because he wanted to shatter him.

In the end, it turned out as he wanted, so why did his chest feel like it was about to burst? Hae-won rubbed his chest, which was growing hollow.

“Are you feeling unwell? Should I give you some medicine? I brought some just in case you might be nervous.”

The cellist rummaged through his bag and found digestive medicine. Hae-won refused, saying it wasn’t that. He had been carrying a pain for a whole year that couldn’t be healed with medicine.

Part 1 ended, and after the intermission, Part 2 began.

Leroy Anderson’s A Christmas Festival resounded brilliantly.

Before he knew it, a year had passed, and it was Christmas Eve.

As the performance, which maximized the year-end and Christmas atmosphere, ended, everyone couldn’t hide their flushed expressions. Moreover, there was a long vacation period until early next year.

They said they would have an after-party and year-end gathering at the hotel banquet hall, but Hae-won didn’t go.

The concert hall, now that everyone had left, was filled with a cold silence.

Hae-won, who had lingered with the excuse of not feeling well, finally left the waiting room. The sound of his shoes walking alone echoed clearly. As he headed toward the parking lot, he stopped and looked out the window.

It was snow. Snowflakes swirling on Christmas Eve.

Hae-won stood in the empty, desolate hallway and watched the snowflakes falling like goose feathers. It was a terribly romantic Christmas Eve night.

“Excuse me…….”

Startled by the voice, he turned his head. In the chilly hallway with only sparse lights on, someone else was standing there besides him.

“Yes?”

“Um……, could I get an autograph?”

A man who had quietly approached without him noticing was wearing a school uniform under his coat.

Hae-won stared at him intently. It was a face he had seen somewhere. Hae-won wasn’t the type to lack observation, he just didn’t pay much attention to others.

“You’ve been here before, right?”

“Huh?”

“We’ve met before, haven’t we?”

He had seen him somewhere before. Then Hae-won remembered Woo-jin’s words that even a seventeen-year-old boy had reproductive ability. It was that male student he saw back then.

He was the one who disliked and was jealous of a mere seventeen-year-old showing interest in him. It wasn’t ordinary jealousy. He was wary of the seventeen-year-old for having reproductive ability. Without even seeing anything, pretending to have seen and know, he made all sorts of faces and scared the mere seventeen-year-old, eventually driving him away.

The male student’s eyes widened. He was tall and large-framed, but his baby fat was pale, making him look exactly that age.

“You remember me?”

“I remember. You said you were going to become a regular member of our symphony, right? Did you join?”

“Ah, it was too expensive, so I couldn’t……. It was more expensive than I thought.”

The male student scratched the back of his head. His cheeks turned red.

Hae-won took the notebook the male student held out and gave him an autograph.

“What’s your name?”

“Choi Woo-jin.”

“…….”

“Choi, Woo-jin.”

“…….”

Hae-won forced a slight smile at the corners of his lips, wrote the name Choi Woo-jin, signed it, and also wrote a message wishing him a Merry Christmas.

There was no name as common as Woo-jin.

“I’m a huge fan of you, performer Moon Hae-won.”

“……Thank you.”

“Aren’t you doing broadcasts these days? You don’t appear as much as before.”

“There’s no reason to anymore, so I don’t do it anymore.”

The fear of what Woo-jin might do to him, the thought that to prevent the insane him from doing anything, he had to become famous enough for people to recognize him. Of course, that wasn’t the only reason.

He wanted to appear before him in a different way, stimulate his nerves, do only the things he hated, and turn Woo-jin’s insides upside down.

“When you had your solo concert before, I couldn’t go because the tickets were sold out.”

“It was completely empty back then.”

“That’s what they said. There were definitely no tickets left.”

The male student grumbled that there seemed to be some error in the ticketing system.

As Hae-won turned his gaze back to the window and stood motionless, the male student, who had been hesitating without leaving, cautiously extended his hand.

“Could I shake your hand?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Ah, then……, um, could I take a photo with you?”

That much he could do. As Hae-won nodded, the male student took out his phone and prepared to take a photo. He approached to the side and was about to put his hand on Hae-won’s shoulder.

“Woo-jin-ah, you’re being too rude.”

“Huh? Ah, I’m sorry.”

Quickly lowering the arm he was about to put on Hae-won’s shoulder, the male student blushed in embarrassment and apologized.

When the one called Woo-jin apologized to him, he suddenly felt strange.

Hae-won wore a faint smile and looked at the lens of his phone. Click, the sound went off as the photo was taken. The male student took his phone back carefully. He bowed deeply to Hae-won.

“Thank you. And I’m sorry if you were offended.”

“……You apologize well.”

“Huh? If you were offended, it’s only natural for me to apologize. I apologize again.”

“Woo-jin-ah, you’re really good at apologizing. You’re kind.”

“Thank you.”

The male student’s face brightened again. When praised, his shoulders naturally shrugged.

Hae-won quietly watched that sight and felt increasingly strange. He also felt light. If he had known Woo-jin could make such a polite apology, things wouldn’t have ended up like that between them.

“Woo-jin-ah, since I’m your hyung, can I speak casually to you?”

“Of course. And you’ve been speaking casually to me since earlier.”

“Right, Woo-jin-ah.”

“Yes. It’s fine. Please speak comfortably.”

Repeatedly calling Woo-jin’s name, he thought of Woo-jin.

“Woo-jin-ah, did you come with your parents?”

“No. I’m not at an age where I go to places like this with my parents. I’m entering university next year.”

Time had already passed that much.

“Then, do you want to have dinner with me today, Woo-jin-ah?”

“Really? Seriously?”

His eyes widened with even more joy than when Hae-won recognized him.

“I want to buy you something delicious, Woo-jin-ah.”

“I’d love that. Thank you.”

Hae-won put Choi Woo-jin in his car and headed to the Italian restaurant he used to frequent with Hyun Woo-jin.

It was Christmas Eve evening, and with the snow falling, the roads were heavily congested.

Choi Woo-jin talked about his favorite piece among the ones Hae-won performed. When that conversation ended, he talked about the college entrance exam he took not long ago. Unlike Hyun Woo-jin, Choi Woo-jin was quite chatty.

Before entering the restaurant, the male student fidgeted with the pockets inside his coat and hesitated. He seemed to be calculating how much money he had in his wallet while looking at the upscale restaurant before him.

“I’ll pay, Woo-jin-ah.”

“No, but still……, I should pay for something like this.”

“Why should Woo-jin pay? I’m the one who suggested it. I’ll pay.”

Hae-won spoke with a tone and expression that were unusually quite kind.

The slightly embarrassed male student followed Hae-won into the restaurant. The seats were fully occupied.

A waiter who recognized Hae-won approached.

“Long time no see. Do you have a reservation?”

“I couldn’t make a reservation. Are there no seats?”

“There’s a secluded table on this floor, though it’s a bit out of the way. If that’s okay with you.”

“That’s fine.”

Thanks to being a regular, he could enter ahead of those waiting. It was more of a slightly isolated table, separate from other seats, rather than just a corner seat.

“Places like this are really expensive, right?”

“Woo-jin-ah, don’t worry about that. Hyung will treat you. Want to try calling me hyung?”

“Yes, hyung. Thank you.”

“What do you want to eat? Is there anything you want, Woo-jin-ah?”

“Um……, I was wondering if they have pizza.”

While diligently examining the food prices on the menu, the male student tried to mention a menu item that likely wasn’t available, feigning nervousness. Hae-won cut him off and spoke to the waiter standing by.

“For wine, we’ll have the Montrachet Grand Cru. We’ll have the T-bone course; I’ll have mine medium rare. For him, please make it medium well. For pasta, the one with scallops in cream sauce, and for him, please bring the sea bream dish.”

“Understood.”

As if it were an excellent choice, the waiter smiled at the corners of his mouth and took notes.

“Woo-jin-ah, you like sea bream, right?”

“Huh? Sea bream?”

“You like sea bream, don’t you?”

“I’ve never eaten that before…….”

Perhaps feeling a bit offended by Hae-won’s arbitrary decisions and ordering, the male student’s lips pouted slightly.

“Woo-jin-ah can’t drink alcohol, so please also bring a glass of non-alcoholic champagne.”

“Understood. I’ll prepare the wine first.”

At Hae-won’s consideration, the male student’s expression quickly softened. As the waiter left, the male student looked around and asked.

“You must come here often.”

“I used to come often before.”

“This is my first time at a place like this. It’s my first time at such an expensive place.”

Being the object of others’ attention was natural for Hae-won, and he was accustomed to receiving admiring gazes. The one named Woo-jin was sparkling his eyes at him. He didn’t dislike that.

The face of the male student chattering away in front of him overlapped with Hyun Woo-jin’s image.

“Woo-jin-ah.”

“Yes, hyung.”

“Woo-jin-ah, so you’re nineteen?”

“I’ll be an adult next year. Hyung is thirty-one, right? I’ve seen your profile before.”

“Woo-jin-ah, you and I are zodiac siblings.”

“That’s really true. Amazing.”

Every time he brought up a topic, Hae-won unnaturally called the male student’s name.

Wine and food were brought out one after another and placed on the table.

“Woo-jin-ah, you can drink the non-alcoholic champagne.”

“But I’ll be an adult next year, and there are only a few days left until next year, so wouldn’t it be okay if I drank wine? I may look like this, but it’s not like I’ve never drunk before. I drink a little. I’ve had soju.”

“Woo-jin-ah, you know better than anyone that underage drinking is prohibited by law. Do you want to get this restaurant’s license suspended? This is a place I like.”

“……No. I don’t really know about that. But if it’s not allowed, I’ll drink the non-alcoholic champagne.”

“Good, Woo-jin-ah listens well, so you’re really kind.”

Hae-won was in a good mood. Woo-jin laughed when he said something, and his expression fell sullenly when he said something else.

He called Woo-jin’s name to his heart’s content. He hadn’t been able to call it much, hadn’t called it as he was told to, so he called that name he hadn’t been able to savor freely to his heart’s content.

Woo-jin-ah. Woo-jin-ah.

Hyun Woo-jin, you damn bastard.

He also drank the wine he used to drink when he came with him. He was someone with a very sensitive palate who didn’t eat just anything. Yet, because he liked it, he drank white wine without complaint.

That day was also Christmas Eve evening. He came to this restaurant to have dinner with Woo-jin. He said he wanted to sit facing each other and have a quiet dinner, held Hae-won’s hand and wouldn’t let go, saying let’s just eat.

Many things happened that evening. They had a splendid dinner at this restaurant, and they drove along the riverside with beautiful night views. After finishing a classic date, he took Hae-won back to his officetel.

That day, Hae-won decided to love Woo-jin. He resolved to undress before him. It wasn’t with any particular intention. Woo-jin said that day he just wanted to have dinner with him. He didn’t know how to confess his honest feelings, didn’t know the method. He didn’t even know well what his own heart was like, so he didn’t know that what he was doing was love.

“Hyung, aren’t you drinking too much?”

“Woo-jin-ah…….”

“Yes.”

“Woo-jin-ah, why did you do that?”

“Huh?”

“Why did you do that?”

“…….”

“What on earth did you do that for?”

You son of a bitch.

Hyun Woo-jin, you damn bastard.

He had never liked anyone before. He had never loved anyone before. That was why love and separation could only be destructive.

Hyun Woo-jin was Hae-won’s first love. And Moon Hae-won was Woo-jin’s first love.

After breaking up, now that they couldn’t see each other, that fact became too vividly clear.

Only the parties involved, Hae-won and Woo-jin, didn’t know they were each other’s first love.

His nose tingled, and the rims of his eyes grew hot. Hae-won slumped his upper body, leaning his elbows on the table in a disheveled posture.

“Bastard……, Woo-jin-ah you……, Hyun Woo-jin you…….”

“…….”

“You’re really a bad person.”

His head grew dizzy, and his brain felt damply soaked. Thinking of that face made his insides crumble, caused breathing difficulties, and made his chest hurt—that was Hae-won’s first love.

If he had apologized, if he had gotten on his knees and begged, could he have forgiven him?

Could he have forgiven that man?

His whole body grew languid and his expression relaxed from the white wine he was drinking after a long time. Facing the male student who was staring blankly, not understanding what he was muttering to himself, Hae-won covered his heated eyes with the back of his hand. He rested his face on his arm and took deep breaths for a while.

He was now doing all sorts of crazy things.

Hae-won lowered his head and suppressed the alcohol creeping in to cloud his consciousness.

“……Sorry. I was lost in thought for a moment.”

Sweeping back his disheveled hair and raising his gaze, Hae-won looked at Woo-jin sitting before him and flinched.

“…….”

Was this wine always this strong?

He shook his head slightly. He blinked his eyes. Even when he gathered his scattered mind and looked, the person before him wasn’t Choi Woo-jin, who would become an adult next year, but Hyun Woo-jin.

If the word ‘striking’ were embodied as a person, it would look like that.

A meticulous gaze that wouldn’t allow a single needle to penetrate, stubbornly closed lips and a jaw that looked strong, the man who couldn’t bear his destructive first love—no, who shattered himself out of fear that his first love would be ruined.

To his knowledge, he had lost everything.

His expression was as detached as when they first met. Arrogant and dignified. And it had deepened. His pupils had deepened to a degree Hae-won dared not fathom.

“…….”

Hae-won looked around. The male student who had been before him had vanished without a trace.

Was he dreaming?

He grabbed his own hair and pulled. His scalp was pulled sharply, and he felt a distinct pain.

With dazed, wide eyes, he stared endlessly at the man sitting before him. His alcohol-flushed cheeks and feverish lips were particularly red and heated.

Woo-jin quietly placed what he was holding in his hand on the table. What he placed down askew was the pamphlet and ticket for today’s year-end regular performance of the Han-gyeong Symphony.

Hae-won’s eyes scanned over them and returned to Woo-jin’s face. Hae-won hesitated and hid his left hand with the sparkling ring under the table.

“…….”

“…….”

The alcohol wore off instantly. He wasn’t terribly startled by Woo-jin’s sudden appearance, but as evidence that his appearance wasn’t his imagination or wishful thinking surfaced one by one, his heartbeat gradually quickened, and soon the pounding intensified as if his blood vessels were swelling.

Hae-won’s eyes fell to today’s ticket and pamphlet.

Someone so clumsy at expressing their feelings…….

Or perhaps he was deliberately acting clumsy to widen the gap that had formed.

Woo-jin was still a man whose depths he couldn’t know and couldn’t guess.

When he tried to tilt the wine bottle to pour into the empty glass, his hand stopped him. He took away the white wine showing its bottom and placed it before him. The hand that had the wine bottle snatched away felt empty.

What are you interfering with now?

Hae-won glared at him. Glared at him to death. Tears quickly welled up in his glaring eyes. The tears that had filled his eyes fell down his cheeks in a stream as he blinked.

He wiped away the dry tears with the back of his hand. Hae-won got up from his seat and gathered the coat he had draped over the chair. He went down to the first floor, paid, and left the restaurant.

The cold air scratching his cheeks cooled his heated mind.

As he headed toward the parking lot, someone grabbed his hand. It was a hot body temperature. Just by holding his hand, Hae-won instantly recognized who it was from that warmth.

He roughly shook off his hand and turned around. Tears kept obscuring his vision. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand until the area around them turned red.

Woo-jin stood towering before Hae-won, his rejected hand left awkwardly suspended in the air.

“Where did the kid go?”

“Thought about wiping out his entire clan, but he was too much of a brat. Just put him in a taxi and sent him off.”

It was Woo-jin’s voice. A low, resonant tone similar to Guarneri’s solemn, deep timbre.

Everything that bore his traces had been discarded.

The phone with his voice recordings, the laptop with stored photos—everything, without exception, had been thrown away. Though the bed couldn’t be discarded, everything else had been.

Hae-won had stopped going to see him after Woo-jin’s final words, claiming to understand the breakup. It was clearly a declaration of parting.

Rather, it was a relief that the reason to see him had vanished. It was a relief to have broken up.

Seeing him briefly on TV in a blue prison uniform felt like his heart was being sliced apart, and he lacked the courage to face him again in the prison visitation room.

The breakup that Woo-jin had understood and accepted a year ago, Hae-won had only resigned himself to and accepted after a year had passed.

He had taken everything from him, forced him to his knees, and even thrown him into prison. Everything achievable, everything he could have hoped for, had been accomplished—and that should have been the end. Rightfully, that should have been the end.

The program booklet and ticket in Woo-jin’s hand kept catching his eye annoyingly.

“Looks like you decided to come see it yourself today instead of sending someone else.”

Hae-won taunted him. As he twisted his lips mockingly, his facial muscles moved along, causing tears to fall, plop, plop. They were absurd tears.

Hae-won hastily wiped the corners of his eyes. As if asking when he had cried, he hardened his brow stiffly, pretending he hadn’t cried.

“I arrived thirty minutes ago and have been sitting here. The first part was worth watching, but the second was just so-so. It’s not jazz, not classical—its identity is ambiguous. The joy of baby Jesus being born is probably for those people. I don’t believe in anything.”

“……”

“Being in the third row, it was definitely easy to see. I hardly listened to the music since it’s not my taste.”

He spoke as casually as if they had met just yesterday.

Hae-won’s left hand was clenched into a fist inside his coat pocket.

The ring that should have been slipped onto his finger according to plan could be felt. He had picked it up rolling around in the car. He had worn it without even asking the owner. It had been a long time since he found it, and now he didn’t even want to return it. For one, there was no proof it was his. It just happened to be in his car, and it just happened to fit perfectly on his left ring finger.

The parking lot behind the building was dim compared to the restaurant’s main entrance.

The snowflakes, like goose feathers, gradually grew in size. As soon as they fell onto the round, crimson-glowing lights, they melted into droplets. The rustling sound of falling snow heavily weighed down the atmosphere.

He had never even imagined a reunion. Staring blankly at him, Hae-won turned away.

As he headed toward his car, his wrist was grabbed. Hae-won was pushed into the darkness. Before his back could hit the secluded wall where snowflakes fell, Woo-jin’s arm wrapped around his body first. It was Woo-jin’s arm that collided with the wall.

Hae-won grabbed his collar and pressed his lips first. Clinging fiercely. Hot lips met. Woo-jin’s firm arms wrapped around his back, pulling him in with strong force.

“Haa, uung…….”

With a pitifully contorted expression, he clung to him. The knuckles gripping his shoulders turned white. It was Woo-jin’s lips. His breath. The messy mix of affection and hatred extending toward each other and the boiling desire raised eerie goosebumps.

He frantically explored his lips. Pushing his tongue into the hot mouth, he urgently sucked on the entangled flesh.

Even though it was over with him, everything was severed, and he was someone unforgivable, Hae-won desperately craved his lips. He clung as if kissing him now, knowing he might never do so again.

Woo-jin, unable to believe the reality rushing at him, touched Hae-won’s entire body as if believing only what he could feel in his hands, to the point of pain.

Unable to breathe, his lungs felt like they were burning. He pulled his lips away and gasped urgently for air.

“Haa, haa……, haa…….”

Before he could catch his breath a few times, Woo-jin collided with his whole body. The fact that they were overlapping like this outdoors, with snow falling from the sky, vanished from their minds. The primal impulse pulling them toward each other too easily evaporated reason.

Emotions and body temperature heightened simultaneously. His eyes heated up. An impulse too intense to resist swept through, churning his brain and making his legs wobble. It wasn’t because they were at an age mature for sex. Hae-won and Woo-jin were mad for each other.

In the winter air, his hands had lost warmth. The hand that had been groping Hae-won soon interlocked fingers with his. Hae-won flinched and pulled away from the lips he had been mindlessly exploring.

“Haa, haa…….”

Their pressed chests heaved together. White breath shattered along the parted lips. People chattered as they passed by the two tangled as shadows in the dark corner. Hae-won momentarily held his breath. Looking up at him with wet eyes, Woo-jin was looking back at him with lowered eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Where did you get this?”

Woo-jin’s interlocked fingers fiddled with the ring on Hae-won’s left ring finger. It was an embarrassing act to insist they had broken up.

“I found it.”

“Where did you find it?”

“I found it. So it’s mine. The finder is the owner.”

One of his eyes crinkled faintly as if wanting to point something out.

“I heard from Prosecutor Kim Hanse.”

“What did you hear?”

“That you asked him to get me out.”

With a look of dismay, Hae-won bit his lips, which were sore from being sucked hard.

“I clearly said I’d report anonymously. Why are prosecutors such blabbermouths?”

“I persistently asked. That bastard wouldn’t recommend me for special pardon without a reason.”

“You turned yourself in to someone like that? Are you sane?”

“You wanted to ruin my life. I wanted to give you what you wanted. If it’s going to be ruined, it should be ruined properly, perfectly.”

“……”

Hae-won glared at him with all his might. Filling his wet eyes with resentment, hatred, loathing, and every negative emotion he could muster, he sent a clear signal that he disliked him. Woo-jin looked down at that sight and whispered.

“That way, you won’t forgive me.”

“Who said I’d forgive? I won’t forgive. I’ll never forgive.”

“That’s a relief.”

“What’s a relief? That I won’t forgive you?”

“You’re still the same. Still picky. Seeing you act like this even after making me like that puts me at ease. What kind of lunatic would cater to your whims?”

“……”

While holding his hand tightly so it wouldn’t get cold and wrapping his arms around his back to keep him warm, Woo-jin spoke with a mocking, subtle smile.

He was astonishingly unchanged. Despite having lost everything, collapsed, and descended to a place hard to recover from, he was remarkably the same as when he manipulated and wielded everything as he pleased. Only deeper.

Snowflakes fluttering in the air settled on his shoulders. One silently falling snowflake landed on his eyelashes. Blinking at the snowflake obstructing his vision, he furrowed one eyebrow.

Without realizing it, Hae-won raised his hand and brushed off the snowflake stuck to his eye.

“……”

“……”

As the hand trying to brush it off touched the corner of his eye, Woo-jin’s eyes slowly closed and opened, casting deep shadows as if he had long awaited that faint touch.

Hae-won lowered his hand. Still held by him, he stared at Woo-jin in a fluster.

His hair had grown longer. He seemed to have lost some weight. The contours of his face under the streetlight were sharp.

He was someone with sensitive tastes. No matter how unchanged he seemed, the reality was he had been in prison for a year. A place that imprisons sinners couldn’t possibly offer the comfort and coziness he preferred.

Prison was a place where one had to endure sleeping uncomfortably on hard, aching floors, barely swallowing pig slop that didn’t suit their palate to sustain life, and being confined in a state where nothing could be done of one’s own free will—where such hardships and sense of defeat had to become daily routine to bear. Woo-jin had been in such a place for a year.

Yet his eyes held tranquility. There was no resentment or accusation toward Hae-won, who had made him that way. The one who paid the price was alone and unburdened.

It seemed the year hadn’t taken something from him but rather filled him with something.

“Let go.”

To be released, Hae-won pushed his shoulders. Unyielding. It was a winter night with falling snow. No matter how fiercely he wrapped his arms around him, it was a night where chilling cold seeped into his spine, scattered everywhere.

Ignoring the request to let go, Woo-jin stroked Hae-won’s arm and hugged his back tighter, preventing any escape.

Hae-won strained and resisted, trying not to touch his chest. He tried to stay as far away as possible. Looking down at that pitiful movement, he smiled a peaceful smile fitting for Christmas Eve.

“Someone might see.”

Despite the warning to let go now, he didn’t release his strength and only shrugged one eyebrow.

“Who? A nineteen-year-old with ripe reproductive ability?”

“I’m going to date someone younger now. I don’t like older people. I’m sick of them. Especially a great-grandfather six years older—I dislike that even more.”

“How would he handle you, emptying a bottle of wine worth over a million won every time you meet?”

“I’ll buy it with my money. He’s twelve years younger, so I should bear that cost.”

“Then I should date someone twelve years younger too.”

“……”

Having scratched Woo-jin’s nerves first, Hae-won raised his angry eyes.

After causing him such pain and sorrow, his loose mouth dared to chatter about dating someone twelve years younger.

He pushed him. Trying to push him away with force, someone approached the parking lot. A couple, seemingly lovers, walked over while having a quiet conversation.

Woo-jin grabbed the back of Hae-won’s head and hid his face against his chest. Whether noticing their tangled presence in the dark, the woman went “Oh my,” and elbowed the man’s side. They giggled as they passed behind Woo-jin.

Only after the sound of a car leaving the parking lot faded did he release the back of Hae-won’s head. The tip of his nose, pressed tightly against Woo-jin’s chest, was red. The corners of his eyes were wet too.

Transparent droplets had formed in Hae-won’s eyes.

“I’ve never once revised a goal in my life. I’ve detoured and waited, but I’ve never given up on a goal.”

“……”

“You won’t give up either.”

“I’ll give up. You probably gave up on Take Six too. You couldn’t complete that list anyway.”

He knew that after the fifth on his list, a sixth had appeared. The vivid image of him smiling, saying a goal he wanted to trample had emerged. There probably wasn’t time to handle up to the sixth.

Not long after the sixth appeared on his list, unbearable things sporadically occurred. Neither Woo-jin nor Hae-won could hold onto anything in the suddenly surging current. They had to be swept away and dragged down by the rapid flow.

At Hae-won’s words, Woo-jin smiled as he did then. The tip of his nose grew cold. Without changing their posture of holding each other in the dark, Hae-won looked at him with puzzled eyes.

“Who said I gave up? He was my cellmate.”

“……You handled even that amidst all that and went in?”

“If anyone lays a hand on you, I’ll make their life as hard as mine, no matter who they are. So don’t date just anyone. Don’t recklessly ruin someone else’s life.”

“……”

“Act responsibly. Don’t spout nonsense in front of someone who went to prison to earn your forgiveness.”

“……I won’t forgive.”

While having such repetitive conversation, someone else entered the parking lot. This time, it was a family with young siblings out for dinner. Woo-jin grabbed the back of Hae-won’s head and brought it to his chest. Seeing him repeatedly hide his face, it seemed Hae-won had become famous enough for people to recognize him, which bothered him.

“Wow, they’re kissing. Dad, those people are kissing.”

“Shh, be quiet. Don’t stare. Why are they like that on the street? How unsightly.”

An irritated voice grabbed the arm of the boy making a fuss. The car carrying them left the parking lot.

Woo-jin finally released the back of Hae-won’s head he had been pressing against his chest. This time too, the corners of his eyes were wet. Every time he hid his face against his chest, spilled tears moistened his eyelashes. The long eyelashes stuck together in strands, gaining weight and drooping.

“……”

“……”

Woo-jin released Hae-won. He quietly extended his hand. It meant to hold hands, but Hae-won took out his car key and handed it over as if to a chauffeur, then turned away first.

Woo-jin, staring bewildered at Hae-won’s retreating back, quietly looked down at the car key in his hand before moving.

He walked to the car parked at the end of the lot. It was Woo-jin’s car. Hae-won hopped into the passenger seat as if it were his own. Woo-jin sat in the driver’s seat.

The car heading back to the officetel was silent. Not a single word was exchanged between them.

They were already broken up. Trying not to leave lingering attachments, Hae-won struggled to ignore the rising emotions. But tears kept coming, blurring his vision.

Staring out the window, he fixed his eyes on the snowy landscape turning white and fiddled with his face to hide the flowing tears.

Despite the late hour and snow piled everywhere, they arrived at the officetel quite early. He parked the car in the lot and turned off the engine.

Hae-won got out of the car. As he tried to take the violin left in the back seat, it was already in Woo-jin’s hand.

They went up in the elevator. Woo-jin, walking ahead, unlocked the door without even asking. He fiercely regretted not changing the passcode.

Woo-jin opened the door. Stepping aside to let him enter first. Hae-won went inside. As he followed, the door closed behind them.

Nothing had changed. Everything was in its place, exactly as last seen.

Miraculously remembering where Hae-won always left it, Woo-jin placed the violin case there. Well, he remembered the door passcode too. As if they had broken up just yesterday.

Hae-won’s eyes, staring blankly at him, contorted.

A friend’s death or such was still merely a trivial obstacle before the raw desire wanting him. Hae-won grew to dislike himself like this. He was disgusted.

Woo-jin approached. He tried to grab Hae-won’s cheek and kiss him. Hae-won hit and pushed him, telling him not to do this. With one hand, he hit; with the other, he grabbed his clothes and didn’t let go.

A year’s time felt futile. The hatred and affection he held for him boiled up explosively, shaking Hae-won into confusion. With the same intensity, the same impact.

“Let go!”

While clinging to his clothes, Hae-won hit the one grabbing his cheek. Clutching his clothes, Hae-won swung his hand. His left hand wearing the ring slapped his cheek.

Slap-!

Woo-jin’s head sharply turned to the other side. His cheek flushed red, and simultaneously, a cut-like blood mark was drawn horizontally.

Hae-won, who had slapped his cheek with his hand and scratched it with the ring, released the tightly gripped clothes.

Woo-jin slowly straightened his face. How hard he had hit was vividly marked on his cheek.

“Let go.”

Hae-won said in a trembling voice. Neither Woo-jin nor Hae-won were holding each other.

“I said let go…….”

A voice mixed with crying shook violently. Pitiful tears fell from his eyes looking at the reddened cheek and flowing blood.

“I’m sorry.”

Woo-jin apologized. To Hae-won, who thrashed trying not to hear, trying not to understand anything he said, he spoke again.

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m sorry. Hae-won.”

“I don’t want to hear it! Who asked for an apology? Who told you to apologize? I don’t want to hear it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“……Who told you to apologize?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Who……, who……. told you to…….”

Tears flowed enough to obscure his vision. His sight turned blurry. Blinking made it clear, revealing Woo-jin’s form, then moisture welled up and vanished repeatedly. He couldn’t see him well. Hae-won rubbed his eyes with his forearm.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

“……I don’t want to hear it.”

“I was wrong.”

“I don’t want to hear it!”

Hae-won felt unbearably sorry toward Tae-shin. When Tae-shin said not to love, not to meet, he should have listened.

He shouldn’t have met him.

I shouldn’t have loved him.

I shouldn’t have given him everything.

I shouldn’t have done it. I should have done nothing, just as Mother said.

I shouldn’t have struggled to continue living in this world, this life, this wretched existence where death is the only natural end.

The regret and remorse of loving him stirred up an uncontrollable storm of emotion.

“I’m sorry.”

“…….”

“I’m sorry.”

“…….”

Just two more times……

“I’m sorry.”

Just one more time……

“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

He apologized ten times.

If he had apologized politely, said he was sorry……, I might have forgiven him. He apologized ten times. That man, who had never once bent or wavered, apologized sincerely and politely ten times.

Now it was far too late.

It had become impossible to do anything about it.

Whether Woo-jin was broken or destroyed, the choice now rested entirely with Hae-won.

The cheek he was gripping was hot. There was a foul smell of blood. Hae-won pressed his lips to his. He wrapped his arms tightly around his shoulders. Woo-jin’s hands grabbed Hae-won as if he had been waiting.

It was Woo-jin. The first man I ever loved, the first I ever hated, hated enough to die, and missed enough to want to die.

I embraced him with all my strength. With a breath that sounded like a sob, I sucked on his lips. The two bodies, clinging to each other as if to cut off each other’s breath, staggered together.

Hae-won took off his clothes. Woo-jin’s hands also moved urgently to remove Hae-won’s clothes.

“Haa, haa.”

Hae-won pulled his lips away and tore at the buttons of his coat. They both lunged to undress first, tangling their movements and only getting in each other’s way.

Hae-won took off his own coat. He helped undo the shirt buttons Woo-jin was fumbling with and took it off first. He grabbed the hem of Woo-jin’s clothes as his lips came pressing again. He grabbed the waistband of the knitwear he was wearing and pulled it straight over his head.

Woo-jin’s hair became disheveled. Their legs tangled as they stumbled backward and fell onto the sofa. Woo-jin, who had pushed Hae-won down onto the sofa and climbed on top of him, pressed his lips back to where they had parted. Like someone drowning and desperately searching for the only passage to breathe, their lips met and opened with desperation and urgency.

A wet tongue pushed in. Hae-won opened his mouth and sucked in the invading tongue. Only the sound of their slickly entwined tongues and each other’s saliva being eagerly lapped up echoed. It was a pitiful, pressing moan.

“Haa, haa.”

“Huu, ugh, ah, uung……”

Hae-won frowned at the pressure of his lower lip being bitten and sucked.

Woo-jin finished taking off Hae-won’s shirt. Throwing the clothes to the floor, he undid the buckle of Hae-won’s pants with one hand. Without even fully lowering the zipper, he forcefully yanked them down. Unable to hold back, he rubbed against the exposed skin clumsily, hastily, and roughly as if it were the first time.

Embracing Hae-won’s lower back, he writhed his whole body to increase the area of contact even a little. Hae-won also wrapped his arms around his back. Their rough breaths poured out urgently each time the direction of their touching lips twisted.

The corners of his eyes grew damp, and his breath grew wet. Woo-jin’s lips, which had been kissing as if to devour him, pulled away.

“Haa, haa……!”

Hae-won tangled his fingers in his hair and grabbed it. Woo-jin’s lips brushed softly down Hae-won’s cheek as if pressing against it and settled near his ear. His heated breath, unable to regulate its pitch, came in pants.

“Ah……, ugh!”

Lips that sucked and bit his earlobe as sharply as a sting traveled down Hae-won’s jaw to his neck and chest.

He was devouring me. His terrible carnivorousness seemed ready to chew and swallow every bit of exposed flesh. Hot lips sucked on his chest flesh and enveloped the trembling nipple and areola all at once. Swallowing his breath, tightening his throat, he sucked up the entire area held in his lips.

Hae-won’s chest heaved. His chin tilted up, and his back arched. Woo-jin’s arm slipped into the gap that had opened below his arched lower back. He pulled Hae-won’s waist up even more. He sucked on the nipple hard enough to draw blood. He tore at the flesh.

“Agh! Ah, huugh……!”

His lips pulled away. The skin was slick with saliva, tender. Hae-won pushed his shoulders with trembling hands.

“It hurts……, hurts, hurts……”

It seemed no sound reached Woo-jin’s ears. The eyes of a beast unleashed from its cage, tinged with a deep hue, busily licked Hae-won’s naked body.

He chewed on Hae-won without a moment’s rest. Wherever his lips passed, red congestion formed on the white body. Hot tears streamed down from the corners of Hae-won’s eyes. Woo-jin swallowed whatever came from Hae-won’s body. What licked his throat and slid down his esophagus was not tears but a sweet and salty part of Moon Hae-won.

The front of Woo-jin’s pants was already swollen taut. With a pained grimace, he undid the belt Hae-won hadn’t managed to remove and opened the buckle. His impatient fingers couldn’t smoothly lower the zipper. Fumbling, Woo-jin spat out a curse.

He managed to lower the zipper with both hands. As if freed from shackles, his fully erect genitals sprang out, ready to tear through his underwear.

He pulled Hae-won’s hand and made him grip the fiery pillar. Made him touch it. Forced him to stroke it upward.

His eyes met Hae-won’s.

“Haa, haa, don’t take your clothes off in front of other bastards.”

“Is that…… what you’re saying now?”

The hot sensation in his hand wasn’t human flesh. It was a weapon of slaughter. He pulled off the pants tangled around Hae-won’s knees and forced his legs apart with brute strength.

“Ugh!”

The tip of Woo-jin’s flesh was anxiously heated, dripping with pre-cum. Enough to make the hand touching it sticky. Gripping the pillar, he mindlessly rubbed the blunt tip against the entrance.

“Ah, wait, ah, no. Aah, don’t, don’t do it……!”

He heard no sound and had no restraint. Woo-jin’s waist, which had been poking and rubbing thickly against the narrow opening, bent downward. Hae-won’s chest and chin surged up simultaneously.

“Agh!”

“Kgh……!”

His back, which had stiffened with a jolt as he thrust into Hae-won’s lower body, curved distinctly. Driving it deep to the root in one go, Woo-jin swallowed his breath.

Though not climaxing, veins bulged on his forehead, and his entire face turned red. Hae-won’s lips, stiffened as if impaled by a harpoon, trembled faintly, then his whole body began to shake. From pain, sorrow, regret, tears flowed abundantly down both cheeks.

“Haa, Hae-won.”

“Ah, aah……, agh!”

He slammed down hard, leaving no gap, not allowing his genitals to slip out even a little. The muscles in his forearms, supporting his own weight, quivered. His heart pounded as if burning with pain.

Crushed beneath him, Hae-won suffered. His face and chest, glistening with spreading sweat, took on a tender sheen, and a flush rose on his pale, frightened cheeks.

Woo-jin lowered his upper body and embraced Hae-won to his chest. He rocked his hips slowly. How much he had wanted to do this, to thrust his own flesh here, inside Hae-won, how much he had endured and waited for this moment—as he pondered, a pain like being pickled between his thighs was felt.

The heated scent of Hae-won’s body blurred his vision. Hae-won’s screams, cries, and moans were dragged into his respiratory tract with every breath he took, filling his chest.

Woo-jin felt nauseous. He panted. He wrapped his arms tightly around Hae-won, not letting him escape anywhere, and rocked his hips. Woo-jin’s shoulders grew damp with tears. Kissing Hae-won’s lips as he swallowed his sobs, slamming downward, he could no longer hold back and came. The muscles of his climax stiffened momentarily, hard as stone, then soon relaxed. The slick, wet inner walls tightened around the distinctly bulging glans.

His straight eyes crumpled. He pulled his lips away and took a deep breath all at once. His chest heaved urgently.

“Haa, haa, haa……!”

Hae-won, soaked with Woo-jin’s essence, looked up at him with vacant eyes.

The moment he saw Hae-won’s face, despite having already released a large amount, his genitals hardened again. He meshed more precisely with the lower body receiving the hard force.

As he forcefully lifted from below, Hae-won’s lips parted slightly.

“Ah……, agh!”

Hae-won choked as if being strangled. The lump of flesh, pushing aside internal organs and occupying considerable area, pulled out and slammed back in hard. Each time, his vision repeated fading and sharpening like a flickering light.

Crushed under Woo-jin, who drove into him without control, Hae-won intermittently gasped for breath and lost consciousness. Even seeing Hae-won’s head slump limply, Woo-jin didn’t stop. He filled his ravenous carnality again and again. Beads of sweat trickling down his chest dripped onto Hae-won’s body.

“Haa, huugh……!”

Hot fluid gushed out. With no more space inside, unable to flow, it seeped out messily. Woo-jin grabbed both of the collapsed Hae-won’s cheeks and straightened him up. He pushed back in the genitals that had slipped out, unable to withstand the internal pressure. Even in his faint, the corners of Hae-won’s eyes twitched.

“It’s not over yet.”

“…….”

“Not yet……, I haven’t done anything yet.”

Woo-jin lifted Hae-won by the waist. Without pulling out, he sat the limp body on his thighs. Supporting the drooping head on his shoulder, he grabbed the pelvis and shook it. Embracing Hae-won preciously, Woo-jin raced on alone.

“Haa, Hae-won. Hae-won. Hae-won……. Kgh!”

He called Hae-won’s name frantically. Called and called again. No matter how much he called and held him, it didn’t feel real. Woo-jin called Hae-won’s name pitifully, as if in a dream. He came, tightly closing both eyes.

Hae-won lost consciousness in his embrace. Woo-jin, who had burrowed inside that body for a long time, filling the carnal void, moved Hae-won onto the bed.

As before, he wiped Hae-won’s body with a towel soaked in warm water. He laid him comfortably on the bed he liked, pulled the covers over the naked body, and covered him.

He placed a hand on the forehead that felt feverish. Hae-won made pained groaning sounds. He sobbed as if having a sad dream. A hand, groping around, desperately searching for something, grabbed Woo-jin’s hand. Once holding it, it didn’t let go.

Woo-jin looked down at the ring on that hand.

He grabbed the back of Hae-won’s neck. Hae-won let his head hang back as led by his hand and was pulled up. The hair winding between his fingers rustled.

Woo-jin let out a low groan and brought his lips. He devoured the soft flesh and tongue. Sucked in his saliva.

He kissed fiercely and persistently. Clung to Hae-won’s lips as if he would lose his mind. After a long while, the wet epidermis pulling apart made a lewd sound.

His lips softly touched and left the fever-reddened cheek, the tip of the nose, the forehead. Woo-jin inhaled Hae-won’s scent deeply enough to reach the abyss, moistening his parched self.

∞ ∞ ∞

Hae-won, who opened his eyes with a slight frown at the dull, lingering headache, stopped as he tried to sit up.

“…….”

His completely naked body lay on the bed, and his chest was mottled as if whipped by someone. The marks of being persistently sucked and released remained vivid.

Hae-won slowly shifted his gaze. Someone was holding his hand.

The one who had fallen asleep crouched on the floor below the bed, fingers interlaced with his, that back view was Woo-jin.

He recalled last night. It was Christmas Eve. The snowy eve of Christmas.

It was the day he called Woo-jin’s name for the first and last time with all his might. The one who should rightly part, for whom parting should be the natural course, had appeared before him out of nowhere. Shameless, arrogant, and fearless, he had appeared.

Woo-jin was asleep, crouched as if on the floor, face buried in the bed, holding Hae-won’s hand. He knew all too well that Hae-won wouldn’t allow him to lie beside him.

Clutching the only hand he could have, the only part of him he could touch, he had slumped his weary body onto the floor.

“…….”

He recalled what he had done with him last night. It was an uncontrollable surge of emotion. The feeling of Woo-jin, sharp as a honed blade, the passion he knew well, had split his body in half. His arms and legs ached dully, and his chest hurt even with the faint motion of exhaling. Below the waist, he couldn’t move at all. A numb pain pressed down on his limbs.

Hae-won groaned, freed his interlaced fingers, and barely got down from the bed. He moved his staggering legs. Picking up the shirt that had fallen on the floor, he put it on and looked back at Woo-jin.

He was asleep in a pitiful, shabby state, his arm placed limply on the bed. A posture that seemed determined to look pitiful and desolate.

Last night, he had apologized ten times, yet Hae-won still couldn’t grasp whether he could forgive him or not. It still felt insufficient, and it seemed he shouldn’t forgive him no matter how many apologies he made.

He walked to the window. The roadside, where the indigo dawn light was spreading hazily, was covered in white snow. A snowplow, pushed from afar, cleared the snow from the side of the road.

It was a heavy snowfall. White snow covering the city, covering the mountains and fields.

Hae-won, who had sat on the wide windowsill and looked down outside for a while, dragged his aching body into the bathroom.

He was about to place the crumpled shirt on the shelf but stopped and brought it to his nose. He smelled the shirt. It was his own familiar scent. That wasn’t what Hae-won was looking for. He was looking for Woo-jin’s scent, covered by his own body odor.

Burying his face in the shirt, he inhaled the faintly spreading scent of him. His scent kept disappearing each time he breathed in. It was insufficient. It couldn’t fill anything. It didn’t soothe. Hae-won, hesitating with the shirt in hand, quietly opened the bathroom door and went out.

Not his own shirt, but he stealthily picked up Woo-jin’s coat that had fallen on the floor. He looked back at Woo-jin’s form, still in deep sleep. He was asleep, oblivious to the world.

He went back into the bathroom. He locked the door so he couldn’t burst in unexpectedly and pulled Woo-jin’s coat over his head. All around was covered with the scent of him he had missed to madness. The man’s body scent soaked every strand of breath.

Hae-won inhaled until his chest swelled. Wearing Woo-jin’s coat, he smelled his body scent for a long time.

Ah, his chest burned and grew hot along with it. Hae-won brought his hand downward. Last night’s events were hazy.

After mustering his remaining energy to finish the regular concert and emptying a bottle of wine. He reunited with him, whom he hadn’t expected. Hae-won, who had completely let go of the thread of consciousness, had lost consciousness in his embrace. Last night didn’t come to mind clearly. He was an idiot. Not remembering that, losing consciousness then…… He must have been out of his mind.

Hae-won strained to recall how he had held him last night. Recalled the grip that seized his body. Recalling his lips and breath, he carefully stroked and touched the area below that ached even with just a touch.

“Haa……”

Trapped inside his coat, which completely blocked his vision, he masturbated. Inhaling his scent, he grew excited. The area between his legs grew hot, and his lower body tightened fiercely. The tight sensation when he gripped and touched the man’s penis that felt ready to burst. Recalling the man’s skin that remained in his palm like pain, he remembered the low sounds of breath that had scattered near his ear.

Guarnieri’s honest, low tone. The heightened breath, the whisper that called his name like a sigh.

Hae-won bit his lip.

“Haa, uung……”

Chewing his lip numbly, he moaned as if sobbing. His hand quickly stroked up his lower body. The air inside the coat grew hot. Sweat sprang from his whole body.

“Agh……!”

The tingling below surged up, and simultaneously his spine curled. Hae-won came, swallowing his breath. The inside of his thighs trembled violently.

“Haa, haa……”

He pulled down the coat he had worn over his head. The hot air that had been enveloping him vanished instantly, and a chill rushed in. A shiver ran through him like a shudder. Looking quietly at his coat, he took a towel and wiped away the traces.

He entered the shower stall. Hot water poured down. Under the stream of water beating against his forehead and face, he washed away his lingering attachment to him until it was clean.

Finishing the shower, he came out and dried his wet body. He stood before the mirror for a long time.

Outside the door, in his own home, just a few steps away, Woo-jin was there. Reminded anew of that fact, even though it was his own officetel, he hesitated to go out as if he were in someone else’s uncomfortable house. After pitifully staring at the face in the mirror that utterly failed to hide its affection, he eventually opened the bathroom door.

He had intended to quietly disappear if Woo-jin was still asleep, but Woo-jin was awake. Hae-won quickly averted his gaze elsewhere before making eye contact with Woo-jin.

“If you’re up, you should go now.”

Woo-jin’s eyes, pupils sharp as honed blades, followed the direction Hae-won was walking.

“Get your head straight, wash your face, and get out quickly.”

“……Where should I go.”

“Go to your newlywed home, or go to Ms. Choi Hyun-mi’s house. Figure it out yourself.”

“……Haa.”

He, who had asked in a deeply sunken voice, let out a sigh as if the ground were collapsing and swept a large hand over his face. The weary, exhausted touch made a corner of Hae-won’s heart ache.

Hae-won pretended not to know. He kept his gaze fixed on the floor, trying not to look at him if possible.

“I have nowhere to go.”

“What?”

“I have nowhere to go. I was kicked out of home, and I disposed of the Seocho-dong apartment because I couldn’t stand the sight of it.”

“Then go to a hotel. Figure it out.”

Even as he said it, driving Woo-jin—who had only been released a few days ago—to a hotel felt like a harsh measure. Woo-jin, perhaps not having thought that far, stupidly agreed with an “Ah.”

“Can’t I at least wash up before I go?”

“Hurry up and wash. And then get lost.”

“Alright.”

Woo-jin went into the bathroom. The door closed.

Hae-won lifted his eyes, which had been fixed on the floor. He slowly moved his steps to the closed bathroom door and pressed his ear against it.

Woo-jin took off his clothes and hung them somewhere. He opened the shower booth, stepped in, twisted the faucet, and a stream of water poured down.

The sound of water pouring down, whoosh, moistened Hae-won’s ears. The sound of feet slapping against the wet floor could be heard. Soap suds washed away under the hot stream as he scrubbed every nook and cranny.

He recalled the soapy water licking along his pelvic bone, flowing down between his legs. His face flushed bright red. Just as he was pressing his ear tightly against the door, the sound of water, which had faded without him noticing when it stopped, made Hae-won flinch and pull his face away, but before he could step back a few paces, the door swung open.

“……”

“……”

He made eye contact with Woo-jin, who was standing holding the ends of a towel covering only his lower half. Hae-won awkwardly shifted his gaze. Unconsciously, his eyes shamelessly swept over Woo-jin’s entire body.

“Do you still have my clothes?”

“I threw them away.”

“……”

“All of them.”

Without properly drying off, he came out of the bathroom, covering only his lower half.

It felt as if there was some magnetic pull from the body that had held Hae-won until he passed out last night.

Woo-jin opened the closet and rummaged for something. Hae-won and he had a difference in physique matching their height difference. There wasn’t a single piece of clothing that would fit him, and on the day he went to see him for the first and last time, he had thrown away all his clothes, all traces of him.

With one hand searching inside, he let go of the towel he was holding only by the ends and began searching in earnest with both hands. The towel covering his lower half fell to his feet. It seemed he thought Hae-won was lying about throwing them away.

The expression “muscular” somehow felt barbaric and unpleasant, but Woo-jin’s naked back was so clearly defined that the expression “muscular” was unavoidable. With nothing to do inside, he must have only done bare-handed exercises. His body, trained by swimming and fitness, had better muscle definition than before. Even the veins bulging on his forearms as he exerted useless force rummaging through clothes looked solid.

Hae-won cursed himself for being too pathetic, too hateful for not properly remembering last night.

He watched him, his chest burning as if on fire, and when Woo-jin turned around, he quickly feigned innocence and pretended to be busy.

“Really, there’s nothing.”

“I told you I threw them away.”

“Right, you don’t lie. You don’t need to.”

He spoke as if sighing, and unable to find anything wearable, he picked up his own clothes, shed like a skin, and put them on. After dressing, he looked around.

“Haven’t you seen my coat? Did I not wear it when I came?”

“……”

His coat was hanging on the hook inside the bathroom door. A towel was draped over it, so if he had passed by carelessly, he wouldn’t have seen it. He tilted his head curiously, not even remembering clearly whether he had worn a coat when he came last night.

“Ah, that. It was on the bathroom floor, so I hung it inside.”

“……”

Woo-jin opened the bathroom door. He took the coat hanging on the opposite hook and put it on. The moisture from his wet hair hadn’t even dried yet, but Woo-jin looked at Hae-won, who avoided eye contact, and silently turned away.

He opened the door and left. The door lock automatically engaged.

“……”

Hae-won lifted his eyes to the closed door. A sigh—frustrated with him, frustrated with himself like this—flowed out like a long puff of smoke from the corner of his lips.

He straightened the messy sofa. He shuddered at himself for not remembering last night. Woo-jin’s traces remained vividly. In just one night, he had restored everything Hae-won had tried so hard to erase.

He neatly placed the cushion that had been rolling on the floor and sat in the spot where Woo-jin had sat, looking out the window. Snowplows passed by a few times, and the snow on the road was almost cleared. Next to the street trees, now bare branches, snow had piled up to an adult’s knees.

It was Christmas.

The Christmas when all life on Earth was saved.

Even the Christmas when sinners were forgiven.

When he leaned his forehead against the window and exhaled, a round patch of condensation formed there.

Hae-won wrote Woo-jin’s name on it.

And below that, he wrote his own name.

He opened the closet. Inside hung goose-down coats of various colors that Woo-jin had bought for him. He put on a padded coat that reached his calves and even wore ski gloves.

There was nothing to eat. Since breaking up with Woo-jin, he hadn’t cooked anything at home. The refrigerator was always empty. Putting his wallet and phone in his pocket, Hae-won opened the officetel door and froze.

“……”

“……”

Woo-jin was standing there.

He stood with his arms crossed, leaning against the wall, looking at Hae-won.

Facing Hae-won, who was frozen and staring stupidly, he pushed up the coat sleeve covering his wrist and looked at his watch. He had driven him out as soon as he woke up. Over six hours had passed. His pale, drained face didn’t look particularly bright or pitiful; instead, it looked stubborn.

“What… what are you doing?”

“Waiting. For the door to open.”

“……”

“Waiting. Until you let me in.”

He was deliberately acting pitiful to seem pathetic. He was the kind of person who could do such things and more. The perceived temperature on this snowy Christmas was minus ten degrees Celsius.

Hae-won simply closed the door. He took off the ski gloves and threw them aside, took off the padded coat he was wearing, and stuffed it back into the closet.

He turned on the audio. Turned the volume to the maximum. Crouching on the sofa, he rested his face on his knees, stared at the door, and listened to a live recording.

The symphony of a large orchestra of over a hundred people reverberated loudly through the officetel. Even though the resonance of the string instruments, leaving no empty space, continued, Hae-won felt hollow.

Music no longer filled him. Hae-won had been robbed of music. Something more important than that had appeared. Something more precious than that had emerged.

Don’t take what’s precious from me, don’t force your way in only giving pain and hurt—sudden anger surged, and he flung the door open.

He was still standing in the same posture.

As if proving his boast of being particularly good at enduring, his face showed no boredom or hardship from waiting. He was like a giant tree, unshaken by any blizzard.

“Why are you like this? What are you doing?”

“I’m begging for forgiveness.”

“Don’t act pitiful. I have no intention of forgiving you.”

“Whether I act pitiful or not, don’t mind it. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do. I’ll watch your face getting angry at me here.”

“I hate it. Go somewhere else. Don’t be here.”

“Can’t I be wherever I want? It’s only been a few days since I got this. I want to fully enjoy the right to move freely.”

“Since it’s in front of my officetel, I have the right to tell you to get lost.”

“No, you don’t. Strictly speaking, it’s a common area.”

“Don’t be there.”

“I’ll be here until you forgive me.”

“If you want forgiveness, kneel.”

“……Haa.”

He sighed. He opened the coat hem wrapped around his legs. Changing his standing posture, he seemed about to kneel directly.

“Don’t!”

“……What do you want me to do?”

As if tired of Hae-won’s actions, which were this way and that, utterly without focus, he muttered.

“Go somewhere I can’t see you.”

“I need to show my face at least once every two hours, so I have to be here. All night long.”

“……”

He crossed his arms again and leaned against the wall. It was a relaxed posture, as if he could endure for days like this.

The classical music coming from behind was noisy. Hae-won nervously pressed the remote control he was tightly gripping and lowered the volume.

“Just go.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I don’t want to see you.”

“Tell me what to do. I’ll do whatever you ask.”

“Don’t do anything. I don’t want anything from you, Hyung.”

“……”

“We’re over.”

The arms he had crossed slowly loosened. His face, which had been relaxed and scraping Hae-won’s nerves, suddenly contorted.

Woo-jin also thought it was over. So he had tried to end it.

“I thought so too. How hard I struggled to understand that… I barely understood it.”

The breakup Hae-won demanded, the words “it’s over now, let’s part,” were no different from trapping someone in a maze with complex exits, blindfolding them, and then ordering them to find their way.

It wasn’t that the breakup was hard; it was that he couldn’t understand it, couldn’t accept it, that drove him mad. It was genuinely painful that it was over with Hae-won. It was harder than admitting he had lost everything.

“Do you know how I felt when I found out it was you who asked Kim Hanse to get me out?”

“……”

“Don’t give me hope. Don’t wear a ring. Don’t show me any hope. Then I won’t wait for you either. I also thought it was over.”

“……”

“Don’t make it… so hard for people.”

Who made it hard for whom, who made whom want to die—Woo-jin looked at Hae-won with resentment-filled eyes as if Hae-won had committed some great wrong, as if he were the victim. His face twisted.

The one having a hard time wasn’t Woo-jin; it was Hae-won.

Facing each other like this, only tears well up…

Even looking is exhausting…

Woo-jin stared intently at Hae-won’s cheek, moistening with tears. Unable to bring himself to approach, he painfully gazed at the crying Hae-won from a few steps away.

He grabbed Hae-won’s wrist as he turned away, wiping the tears streaming down his chin.

“And don’t cry.”

“……”

“When you cry, I don’t know what to say. No words come to mind.”

He pulled the back of Hae-won’s head to his chest.

Nothing made him as powerless as Hae-won’s tears. When Hae-won cried, Woo-jin felt at a loss. Not knowing that this unpleasant, uncomfortable feeling was guilt, Woo-jin simply made a clumsy request not to cry.

Woo-jin guided Hae-won into the officetel. He sat Hae-won on the sofa and wiped his wet face. Hae-won sniffled.

“Done crying?”

“……Not yet.”

“Can’t you stop crying?”

“Do you think that’s up to me?”

“I’m cold.”

“……”

Hae-won, who had sharply retorted, silently looked at him and quietly pulled him into an embrace.

He was like a block of ice. Hae-won stroked the man’s back, frozen cold. He was permeated with a chilly aura. He had endured for over ten hours in the cold.

Hae-won busily touched him, trying to raise his body temperature even a little. Woo-jin deliberately pressed his cold cheek against Hae-won’s cheek. Hae-won stiffened his spine, startled.

“You go just because I tell you to? Since when have you ever listened to me so well, Hyung?”

Leaning into the reproachful touch calling him foolish, Woo-jin relaxed the tension in his body and mind.

“If I don’t listen to you, it becomes too much of a headache.”

“What if you catch a cold? Should I make you some warm tea?”

“Ah, so this is what they mean by giving poison and then the antidote.”

At the sudden remark, Hae-won distanced himself and stepped back, looking at Woo-jin.

“What?”

“Giving poison and the antidote, killing someone and then holding the funeral, hitting the back and stroking the belly… that’s exactly what this is. I get what that means now.”

“Are you really going to hold the funeral?”

He fiercely retorted to Woo-jin, who was muttering meaningfully as if he had realized some great truth.

“My life is ruined, just as you wanted.”

“……”

“You told me to apologize, so I apologized; you said you wanted to break up, so we were broken up. If it was going to be like this, why did you get me out instead of leaving me there? Tell me what you want. Tell me something I can do.”

“……”

“Except telling me to die. I can’t do that.”

“Why can’t you?”

Why can’t you do that when you can do everything else, are you that scared of dying? Hae-won argued.

“You said if I die, you’ll die too. Because I’m like this, because you love someone like me too much, because that’s painful, everyone dies, you said.”

Hae-won had said such things. That because he was like this, because he was a selfish beast who couldn’t consider others’ feelings at all, the people who loved him couldn’t bear the loss and died.

“I can’t let you die too.”

“……”

“So except telling me to die, tell me something else. I can’t do that. I don’t believe in things like reincarnation. Who believes such nonsense about living virtuously in this life to avoid punishment?”

“……”

“Even if reincarnation exists, the probability of us meeting again is zero.”

It was confusing whether he was doing it on purpose or genuinely didn’t know and saying such things. When he, who didn’t understand emotions well, spoke such words sincerely, Hae-won’s heart trembled—literally, his heart fluttered weakly and thumped.

“So don’t vent with the improbable words of telling me to die; tell me what you really want.”

“Apologize in front of Tae-shin’s ashes.”

“……”

“Apologize to him.”

“Alright.”

He was the one who had mocked even Tae-shin’s death, saying, “If you insist so much, let’s do that.” That same him readily agreed.

Woo-jin answered again in a low voice.

“I’ll apologize.”

“……”

“And also.”

“Apologize to Kim Ha-young too.”

“Alright. I’ll apologize.”

This time too, he readily agreed.

“And also.”

“……Apologize to those two.”

“I’ll apologize. I’ll sincerely say I’m sorry.”

Because he agreed so naturally, the anger Hae-won had been steeling himself to demand—this, that, and the other—fizzled out hollowly.

Woo-jin combed through Hae-won’s hair with his fingers, revealing his white forehead. He stroked Hae-won’s face with delicate hands.

“But.”

Hae-won knew what the “but” attached to the end meant. It meant he didn’t acknowledge the words spoken earlier.

Staring intently at Hae-won, lost in some thought, he opened his mouth. He was starting with “but.” Hae-won slightly furrowed his brows even before Woo-jin added anything. Soon their gazes tangled.

“But if they find out it was you who made me apologize, those two would feel very bad. Well, they’re already dead, so they probably can’t feel bad.”

“……”

“They didn’t die because I’m like this. They died because they wanted revenge on me.”

“……”

“Do you know what Kim Ha-young said the night before she died? She said she’d make me never forget her for eternity.”

Woo-jin combed back Hae-won’s disheveled hair again, making his round forehead clearly visible. With an even deeper gaze, he peered into Hae-won’s abyss.

“What she wants isn’t an apology. What she wants isn’t for me to feel relieved after begging for forgiveness for my wrongs. Probably the opposite. Ha-young wants me to suffer because of her. She wants me trapped in that forest, wandering forever, unable to escape.”

“……”

“Do you think Lee Tae-shin is any different? Why do you think he called me before he died? Why call someone like me, who’s only this much? Lee Tae-shin also wanted to cause me pain. He probably wanted to let me know that he ended up like this because of me.”

“……”

“Him leaving a message for you wasn’t for your sake either. He was probably scared I might genuinely come to love you. He was the one who said he wanted to be like you if reborn. Do you think he sent the diary because he was worried about you?”

Woo-jin’s fixed gaze wavered, unable to respond.

Woo-jin tenderly touched and caressed the frozen patches on Hae-won’s cheeks. He continued in a subdued voice.

“How could you, who’s never coveted anything, understand how ugly the minds of people who have nothing left but possessiveness are? You, who cares about nothing but the violin.”

“Don’t say it like that.”

“But it’s the truth.”

“No, it’s not.”

Hae-won raised his voice to deny his words. It was a warning to himself, as the thought that it might be true began to smolder and rise within him.

“Think whatever you want. I’ll apologize too. If those kids knew you were the one who made me like this, they’d want to die twice in the afterlife. If there’s such a thing as mercy, just kill me once.”

“……”

“If you really care about them, if you pity them, do you want me to tell you what you should do?”

“……What is it?”

“Make me stop loving you. Make me roll in the mud for the rest of my life without ever knowing anything like love.”

“……”

“Can you do that?”

This wasn’t the Woo-jin who was cold and icy. Hae-won knew that what was bubbling and boiling inside his chest, making its presence known, was the love they claimed he never had. He also knew that love was directed entirely at him. Woo-jin was so clearly in love with Hae-won.

“So stop apologizing and dragging the dead kids into this with nonsense.”

“……You’re a monster. Why can’t you think any other way?”

“That’s the kind of person I am. I am a monster. This is the real me. The one I didn’t want to show you.”

“……”

“I said I wouldn’t lie anymore.”

He had said he wouldn’t lie anymore, that he hadn’t known Hae-won hated lies so much, that he wouldn’t do it again. His words, now free of lies, felt like daggers tearing through flesh.

It was horrifying that Woo-jin’s mind could only work this way.

Hae-won felt sorry for him. While Woo-jin had taught him such a spectrum of emotions, he himself was rolling in the mud of terrible thoughts, as if cursed by their wishes, and destroying himself.

“Should I lie again? Say only what sounds good and speak only pleasant words? Do as you say.”

“Don’t.”

Hae-won grabbed the front of his shirt, clutching it tightly.

“Don’t lie. Don’t ever lie again. If you lie again, I’ll kill you. I’ll really kill you.”

Even so, even if that festering, vast black forest was Woo-jin’s true self, Hae-won shuddered and warned himself that he couldn’t help but love him. The hand gripping his collar trembled violently.

“I won’t. I won’t do it again.”

Pulled along by the tug, Woo-jin awkwardly held by the collar, promised in a soft voice. He looked down at Hae-won, who was trembling but holding on tight, refusing to let go of the monster that he was.

Hae-won was fine with his terrible self just as he was. How much comfort and peace that gave Woo-jin’s heart, the person in question would never know. He would absolutely never know. What he had waited for, endured, and barely obtained now emitted the faint scent he had so longed for.

He needed no one. He didn’t want to become anything. There was no need for recognition or to prove himself.

Hae-won, trembling in fear, did not turn away from the monster that even his parents, and those who supposedly loved him to death, could not face squarely.

Because he loved him so much… loved him to an unforgivable degree.

Hae-won was looking at him as he was, and loving him as he was.

“I won’t lie.”

He promised sincerely.

What he couldn’t achieve when he tried so hard not to show his true self now revealed its longing as he exposed the reality of the monster. Hae-won collapsed in a steep gesture, as if his heart would crumble any moment from wanting someone as wretched as him so desperately.

It was an irresistible physical force. An indestructible completeness. Moon Hae-won was the ideal Woo-jin had pursued his entire life, a noble goal.

He was worth abandoning everything for.

It was the moment of ultimate completion of the possession he had dreamed of, becoming perfectly seamless.

Woo-jin rubbed his cheek against the hair resting on his shoulder.

Hae-won might perhaps hurt for the rest of his life because of him. He would suffer from guilt he didn’t understand, sometimes hating Woo-jin and suffering because of it. And he would be tormented by having the love they had craved unto death but ultimately failed to obtain.

The sin Hae-won bore like a heavenly punishment was Woo-jin himself.

Woo-jin had no intention of letting Hae-won go. He carved a new resolve, a new goal, with a knife: he would never let go.

“……I love you.”

Woo-jin’s low voice murmured like a soliloquy. No other words came to mind to express this feeling, this resolve carved with a knife. Woo-jin explained with the words he knew. He expressed it with the only words that made sense.

Hae-won’s arms wrapped around Woo-jin.

“Me too……, me too, you bastard.”

As if vowing never to let go again, never to give up on him who had finally returned to his side, a vicious strength entered the arms holding Woo-jin.