By Zephyria ‘It’s disgusting.’
I talked back to my father for the first time in my life.
I said harsh things. I didn’t know how to control my emotions and crossed the line that shouldn’t have been crossed.
Now, I’m no different from those people who drive nails into their parents’ hearts as if their children have some great right. It’s pathetic, foolish, and regrettable.
But the worst part is that I ran away.
Since I avoided my mistakes, the opportunity to make amends has also disappeared. Isn’t the reason why humans are called humans because they take responsibility for their mistakes? Not taking responsibility is no different from a simple beast.
Ki Jae-eon took a breath and hesitated to turn around. Only the dark hallway came into view. Fortunately or unfortunately, his father didn’t follow. Then, once again, anger that couldn’t be explained by logic surged up. Why don’t you hold me back? You’re my father!
He clenched his fists tightly. But his already narrowed heart was hoping that his father would come and ask, ‘What’s upsetting you?’ Isn’t it funny? It’s not like I’m a kindergartner.
‘To hate the other person but want their attention… that’s too childish.’
Well, to think I have such conflicting feelings.
Ki Jae-eon had difficulty understanding what the waves in his heart were.
Hatred for his father?
No, it’s not that simple.
Distrust, resentment, betrayal, disappointment, suspicion.
It was as if all the negative emotions were lumped together and stuck right in the center of his chest.
Moreover, in the part that I would have lived without knowing if I hadn’t experienced amnesia, even unfamiliar unfairness was added.
‘Why me? Why do I have to go through this?’
What am I supposed to do now!
Belated apologies or affection are useless.
‘I can’t calm down.’
Every time I inhaled air, flames flickered in my chest. My heart was pounding, and my mind was a mess. It’s like a puzzle that’s been put together wrong. I don’t know where to start again.
Is there even a right answer in the first place?
What if it was wrong from the beginning?
No, what if the problem isn’t with my father but with me?
Ki Jae-eon looked back at himself.
‘Before I lost my memory, I…….’
Yes, ‘I’ built a new relationship with my family.
I don’t know the circumstances, but anyway, ‘I’ chose to reconcile with my family.
With that kind of perspective, the one who’s flustered might actually be him. The guy who’d been getting along without a problem, laughing and joking, suddenly changed overnight and even spewed out harsh words like ‘disgusting.’ Ki Jae-eon, with his hand on the doorknob, lowered his head. I’m so tired. I just want to rest. He felt like the power had been cut off to his body and mind. Probably to prevent any further unnecessary energy expenditure, his brain had made the most efficient and defensive choice.
For example, inducing a semi-forced state of drowsiness to block all senses, a kind of psychological avoidance.
‘But…’
He was still scared to go inside the room.
‘Everything’s a mess.’
Ki Jae-eon’s gaze, lost in thought, turned to Ahn Seo-myeong and Kim Ju-won’s rooms on the same floor.
He looked back and forth between the two doors.
…Should I ask for help?
The hand holding the doorknob fell limply.
‘Which one?’
His pale toes groped at the floor as if searching for something.
He tried to take a step, then returned to his original position, repeating this several times.
Compared to his twitching toes, unable to decide on a path, his heel remained precariously lifted, hesitating repeatedly.
‘Who should I go to?’
The faces of the two people each floated into Ki Jae-eon’s mind.
Ahn Seo-myeong, who had confessed his feelings.
Kim Ju-won, who treated him like a friend.
“…”
In fact, the answer was as good as decided.
The moment a cold wind swept through the hallway, Ki Jae-eon’s body moved. His feet brushed against the floor, making an unfamiliar sound.
His steps stopped in front of one door.
He stood there for a moment, gripping the doorknob. A brief hesitation crossed his mind, wondering if it might be locked, but soon his fingertips moved slowly. Fortunately, the door opened easily.
Creak-.
No matter how careful he tried to be, the old dormitory floor couldn’t prevent its characteristic eerie creaking. Was it because of that? As if drawn by the sound, the owner of the room stirred in the blanket. Rustle, rustle—he moved for a while, then slowly raised his upper body.
“…Who is it?”
The voice, just awakened from sleep, was lower and drier than he expected.
“Hyung?”
The small silhouette gradually became clearer.
It was Ahn Seo-myeong.
“…”
However, despite his energetic entrance, Ki Jae-eon couldn’t say anything. He felt like the moment he opened his mouth, unrefined emotions would burst out. Even though he had come to ask for help, he didn’t want to show any more pathetic appearance.
Instead, he lowered his head and maintained a brief silence.
Only the sound of the two men’s breathing echoed softly in the quiet room.
Ahn Seo-myeong decided to wait patiently for Ki Jae-eon.
He was curious about his situation, but his face showed that he knew there was something more important than curiosity.
“Just…”
At the end of the long wait, Ki Jae-eon hesitantly parted his lips. His voice was filled with trembling and anxiety.
“I was sleeping…”
Ahn Seo-myeong listened intently to Ki Jae-eon’s words. He looked aloof on the outside, but his eyes held affection that he couldn’t hide. It was as if he was saying, ‘It’s okay. You can do it.’
“…The dream, the dream was disturbing.”
“Yeah.”
“I had nowhere, nowhere to go.”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“I see, that’s what happened.”
Ahn Seo-myeong blinked and looked at him for a moment, then pushed the blanket aside. Soon, a long, white hand lightly tapped the bed.
“It’s a little cramped.”
That was all he said.
But with those words, Ki Jae-eon felt the emotions that had been frozen deep inside him slowly melting. That was because he didn’t ask anything.
Despite the sudden visit, Ahn Seo-myeong offered his side without any complaints.
Even though he must be curious, he didn’t bother to ask.
That one-sided support and consideration felt like salvation to Ki Jae-eon.
“…Sorry.”
As he slowly moved his feet and apologized, Ahn Seo-myeong’s eyes softened even more.
“Hyung, you don’t know.”
“…”
“Apologies are only for when you’ve done something wrong.”
You did something that deserves praise right now, so why are you apologizing? Ahn Seo-myeong playfully added.
“You chose well. Anything is fine, so make it me.”
…Anything is fine, huh.
Seeing the excitement that was evident in him, Ki Jae-eon felt a bit guilty. That’s because the reason he chose him didn’t include any positive reasons.
Kim Ju-won and Ahn Seo-myeong.
The reason he chose the latter was simple.
Because he thought he would feel less sorry.
He liked me, so wouldn’t it be okay to cause a little trouble? Under that selfish judgment, he opened Ahn Seo-myeong’s door. Of course, he knew it was a bad mindset. But he wasn’t in a situation where he could consider the circumstances of others right now. So, maybe… he might have instinctively known. Ahn Seo-myeong would never reject me.
‘He would comfort me.’
Ki Jae-eon averted his gaze and mumbled.
“Don’t like me so much. I’m… using you.”
It was a statement he made out of conscience, but he regretted it instantly.
He realized that it was too arrogant of a statement, considering he was the one who came to ask for help.
With this, even if Ahn Seo-myeong got upset and said, “Oh, really? Then get out,” he would have nothing to say. Was his head getting stupid because his mind was so complicated? He should have just kept his mouth shut.
Just as he was about to swallow his brief regret, he heard a faint chuckle.
Soon, a thick blanket was gently placed over Ki Jae-eon’s body.
And then, a voice followed.
“Yes, please use me.”
The boy was filled with joy.