By Zephyria 
“What?”
The fact that I reflexively wanted to hug him must mean I was seriously ill. As I pulled up the blanket wrapped around my body, Aska suddenly brought his face close to mine.
“You’ve been uncomfortable this whole time.”
I was hit right on the mark, and I almost dropped the blanket I was holding.
“What’s uncomfortable? I’m just still dazed. And what does that have to do with my memories returning?”
“When you were little, you acted exactly the same way when I tried to touch you.”
Aska touched his chin with his long fingers, narrowed his eyes, and looked at me as if observing me.
“You’d make pointless remarks, try to change the subject, avoid the situation, act naturally while distancing yourself, hide your embarrassment by laughing as if it were absurd. And if that didn’t work, you’d pretend to be angry and hit me without really hurting me.”
“……”
I was speechless, having exhausted all my resources. He pondered for a while, then came to a conclusion and stated firmly.
“You are angry, aren’t you?”
“I’m not.”
I was so frustrated that my voice was slightly louder than before.
I swear I wasn’t angry at all. First of all, I was mostly confused, but what was certain was that I needed to distance myself from Aska.
It wasn’t because I didn’t love him anymore or because I disliked some part of him. It was because the me before regaining my memories seemed to have given my whole heart without any plan, and I was trying to correct it now.
So, I plan to reduce my heart from 100 to 80… no, about 70.
“Stop talking nonsense and let’s go see Abyss soon.”
“Why does he keep wanting to meet you?”
“He summoned the sword several times when I was underground, so Mahir probably knows too. That I’m alive, and my location.”
“You are angry.”
I frowned at the continued talk of whether I was angry or not. Aska also frowned in response.
“If you’re not angry, why do you keep acting like that?”
“How am I acting?”
“You’re different than usual.”
“Of course I’m different. I suddenly remembered memories I had forgotten.”
“No, that’s not what I mean…”
Aska couldn’t answer clearly and just moved his lips. Then his frowning face gradually turned worried.
“It’s not because of me, is it? Really?”
At those words, I asked out of genuine curiosity.
“Did you do something wrong? Why do you keep thinking I’m angry because of you?”
“It’s also because I looked at your memories without permission…”
“I told you that was okay.”
“Yeah, but…”
Aska hesitated with a sulky expression, then muttered in a small voice.
“You’re not clinging to me much either.”
“What?”
“You’re not touching me or sticking to me.”
At his mumbling, I thought about my usual behavior. Come to think of it, it was my daily routine to harass Aska like a pervert whenever I had the chance and to sexually harass him as if it were as natural as eating.
I suddenly felt embarrassed and cleared my throat before speaking.
“My memories have returned now. I’m a prince, how can I do such undignified things?”
“You did it well when you were little. Back then, it was even in the Imperial Castle.”
“……”
I had nothing to say. I stared silently at Aska, who was looking at me with suspicious eyes, then reached out my hand. And I gathered his disheveled hair and pushed it back.
“Like I said, that’s because I was young back then. I’m all grown up now. Anyway, I’m not angry, so stop saying strange things.”
He still didn’t seem to believe me much, but the anxiety in his eyes had lessened considerably. Then Aska lightly pulled my wrist and hugged me. Feeling the warm warmth rubbing against my neck, I reflexively hugged Aska’s back.
“I wish we had met sooner.”
Hearing the words he had managed to utter, I realized that Aska had been carefully choosing his words.
“Even if it ends up with just two people getting hurt, like you used to do.”
“……”
“I could have cried for you when you couldn’t even cry on your own.”
Whether it was pity or comfort, it didn’t really matter. Every word he spoke was sincere. That’s why I hated it even more. Fear took precedence over awkwardness or embarrassment.
“Anyway, I don’t have any dignity to maintain, and if someone gives me shit, I can just give it back.”
“I gave you shit too. You know that.”
To shake off the increasingly frightening feeling, I forced myself to respond playfully. Then Aska raised his head to look at me and said.
“I’m better at giving shit than you are.”
“You’d be dead by now, then.”
“You would have stopped me somehow.”
Looking at his confident expression, as if he was enjoying it so much, made it hard to breathe. It was hard to manage my expression, so I pretended to be sleepy and buried my face in Aska’s shoulder.
“I didn’t have much power back then either. How could I stop you?”
“Then we could have run away together. Anyway, there are many ways.”
I heard the sound of the window closing behind me. He even drew the curtains, so I raised my head slightly. It was dark all around, so I didn’t have to hide my face.
I let go of Aska and headed for the bed. Aska followed me, chattering like a bird that had woken up early in the morning.
“If we had run away together when we were little, what would we have done for a living? I don’t mind peeling tree bark to eat, but you can’t eat that, can you? You can’t sleep anywhere, and you can’t wear clothes that are scratchy, can you? No, come to think of it, that’s not the problem for you, you can’t do anything on your own.”
As I lay back on the bed and buried myself in the blanket, Aska naturally lay down next to me. I buried my face in the pillow and closed my eyes.
“Why can’t I do anything?”
“You can’t even dress yourself. Especially if there are a lot of buttons or you have to tie strings, it would take you an hour just to get dressed, right?”
Aska was unusually talkative. Usually, I was the one asking questions or talking. Could it be that he’s doing this because he thinks I’m depressed?
It seemed like it. Why am I so unnecessarily perceptive that I end up knowing things I don’t need to know?
“But you always nagged me not to jump out of the window, but you were worse when you were little.”
Hugging me, who didn’t respond, Aska continued to create stories and tried to cheer me up. He was even desperate, which made me even more uncomfortable.
After talking about this and that for a long time, Aska suddenly said something out of the blue.
“It feels a little better if you scream when you’re frustrated.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I pretended to be asleep, but I asked without realizing it.
“Why do you scream?”
“I don’t know. It just feels a little better if I yell. You should try it next time too. If you’re embarrassed to do it alone, I’ll yell with you.”
What is he talking about…? I tossed and turned, pulling my face further out of the blanket. Aska was lying on his side, using his arm as a pillow, facing me.
I stared silently at his red eyes, which were clearly visible in the darkness, then asked with a puzzled expression.
“But what’s with the sudden talk about being embarrassed? Were you embarrassed when you screamed alone?”
“I was a little embarrassed because my grandmother heard me. I was crying and screaming.”
“Why?”
Aska closed his mouth, about to answer.
“Do you want to see?”
“What?”
“If you’re curious, you can see it too.”
I was tempted by his seductive words, but I shook my head.
“Didn’t you tell me not to do that last time because it was dangerous?”
“It’s okay now.”
“Why is it okay now?”
“There’s a reason. Anyway, you should see it too.”
Why does he keep telling me to see it since earlier? Did he want to show me his because I saw his past? I frowned, and Aska pressed his fingers between my eyebrows.
“I don’t really want to show you because I looked like a beggar when I was little, but I’m showing you specially because it’s you.”
“Who wants to see?”
“What if you don’t want to see? Honestly, you’re curious, aren’t you?”
“It’ll probably be similar to when I was in Talim. I was young back then too.”
That’s what I said, but I was curious. The pressure between my eyebrows was getting stronger, so I braced myself by putting strength in my neck, but I couldn’t stand it and finally asked.
“Did I really look like a beggar?”
“Didn’t I tell you? I went around with bandages on.”
Come to think of it, I think I heard that. He shaved his head bald, covered his whole body and face with mud, and went around with bandages on… But even if bald Aska wore bandages and put on some mud, he probably wouldn’t have looked like a beggar.
“My clothes were completely tattered too.”
Were tattered clothes or swaddling clothes important? Even if I excluded all personal feelings and looked at it objectively, none of that was important.
“If you had met me when I looked like that beggar, would you still have liked me?”
“……”
I was making a cold judgment, but Aska suddenly struck my heart without warning. When you think about it, it wasn’t a big deal, but I couldn’t understand why my stomach was churning like this.
“On our wedding day, and in the alleyway, you only saw me when I was pretty and clean.”
It hadn’t even been an hour since I decided to like him only 70%, but I was already losing confidence. Should I change it to 80 instead of 70? I suddenly became depressed, so I buried my face in the pillow and groaned. Aska didn’t seem to care about me and kept chattering.
“It wasn’t a pretty bald head either, it was just a weird haircut that was roughly cut with scissors. And the mud wasn’t evenly applied, it was just smeared all over.”
“……”
“And actually, I had a bald spot on the back of my head too.”
I turned my back and closed my eyes. Then Aska gently scratched the back of my head with his fingertips.
“Around here.”
“It tickles.”
“And there was probably one here too.”
He didn’t seem to hear me, so this time he scratched the scalp near the back of my ear. I figured he wouldn’t listen even if I told him not to, so I just left him alone. After poking and scratching my scalp here and there for a while, Aska stuck close to my back and wrapped his arms around my waist.
He naturally put his hand inside my clothes and stroked my stomach before quietly calling me.
“Kyle.”
“……”
“Tell me next time you want to cry. Don’t go around getting hurt. Okay?”
His voice seemed to be getting more and more muffled as he went on. Being perceptive, I realized something I didn’t want to know once again.
“I’ll make you cry…”
It seemed that Aska had been holding back his desire to cry, just as I had been trying not to show that I was uncomfortable.