8 – The Preserved Cross

Even when a major event shakes your life, the repetitive days don’t change. After school, you eat lunch and go to tutoring. That’s all there is to being a high school student. Sometimes, it’s precisely because that’s all there is that you can’t find a way to escape and collapse, but my world hasn’t collapsed yet. That’s a relief.

My parents, who often have to leave Korea for work, hired a tutor for me instead of a guardian. Looking at it, it seemed like my parents felt guilty about leaving me alone. Maybe that’s why they were lenient with my grades. If my grades dropped even a little, they would say something like this:

“It’s okay if you’re not good at studying. You can just go study abroad right away.”

Yet, they didn’t send me to an Autonomous Private High School or a Special Purpose High School.

Their intention was to compete with good grades since they couldn’t be there to take care of me one hundred percent. And it just so happened that there was a suitable school near our house. Well, it’s not like I dislike that intention or anything. I think it’s reasonable in its own way. And my parents aren’t the only ones like that.

My parents always recited my future like a mantra.

I had heard that plan so many times that when my classmates asked me about my future plans, I could answer without missing a single word.

“First, I’ll enter the business administration department at Korea University, graduate without taking any breaks, and then go to America right away. Korean connections, foreign experience, and a degree are all important. And when I return to Korea, I’ll get a job at my parents’ company…”

Back then, Hong Hwi-jun, who was close to Han Jun-woo, asked.

“How come there’s no military service in your plan?”

I answered with a smile.

“Well, of course, everyone goes. There’s no need to mention it.”

In my mind, I was thinking: Why would I go there? You idiots.

There was no military service in the life plan my parents had laid out for me either. That meant my parents would somehow remove military service from my life.

And that grand and ambitious plan didn’t consider my sexual orientation at all. For that reason, I had to eliminate all evidence that I liked men. And as a result, I ended up sticking to Go Yohan more often than usual. I had to observe every word and action of Go Yohan and give it meaning. It’s ironic.

Go Yohan grabbed my arm every time the bell rang during break time. Thanks to that, I couldn’t go anywhere and had to sit in my seat and listen to Go Yohan.

“Jun-ah.”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you think I said I would do vacation supplementary classes?”

Go Yohan said, resting his chin on his thumb and forefinger. Looking at his expression, he seemed very serious in his own way.

“Well, you probably wanted to study.”

“Then was I a fool in the past?”

“Why?”

“The teachers who teach are the same anyway. So what more would I learn?”

“I guess so.”

That makes sense. In fact, many students didn’t register, saying that supplementary classes were a waste of time. Everyone said they would go to tutoring during the time they were stuck at school. Even the so-called model students I was moderately close to went to tutoring a lot. Then, a question suddenly popped up.

“But why don’t you go to tutoring?”

“Me?”

“Honestly, you don’t learn much at school. If you just went to tutoring, you’d quickly be in the top ranks of the whole school.”

“……”

If he’s getting those grades studying alone, he must be pretty smart. Go Yohan smiled awkwardly without answering. That smile looked very troubled. Did I ask the wrong thing? Go Yohan, who was flinching and just smiling, wondering what he was thinking, was finally about to answer when I waved my hand.

“Never mind. You’re doing well on your own anyway. Whatever.”

I don’t want to hear the answer to a difficult question. I didn’t ask any further. Go Yohan didn’t bother to answer either. I think both Go Yohan and I did well.

As promised with Go Yohan, we started going to school and coming home together. Even in a situation where suspicion is swirling, I don’t want to look like a dropout. At least I want to be like a noble egret. But the end of my interest was Go Yohan’s cell phone. I waited, waited, and still waited for that gloomy white thing to fall at my feet.

Today, as we walked home together, I watched Go Yohan’s back as he opened the front door and went inside, and I was filled with anxiety again. My hand waved at Go Yohan out of obligation, but my eyes stared silently at the window facing our house. Unable to take my eyes off it, I walked towards our front door, reaching behind me to open the small pocket attached to my bag.

But there was nothing to grab. I took my eyes off the window and took off my bag.

“Huh?”

Strange. My panicked hand searched everywhere, front, back, everywhere it could reach.

“……Where is it?”

Now I was finally shaking out my bag and pockets in front of the front door. What I was looking for still didn’t come out. Even when I searched the small front pocket, all that came out was a chocolate bar that I had packed as a substitute for breakfast.

I lost the key.

I was standing in front of the doorbell, having the biggest dilemma of my life. Should I press it, or should I not? The reason I was having this dilemma was because of the worst situation that had suddenly befallen me.

‘Our son is almost a proper adult now, so it’s okay, right? Just bear with it for a little while. Anyway, there won’t be any problems since you’re taking a break from school during that time. I’ll find a new one for you soon.’

I remembered what my mother had said to me on the phone a few days ago. The live-in housekeeper Auntie had taken a long vacation to care for her mother, but the situation was not accepted because of me. In the end, it seemed that the story ended with her quitting. The conclusion is that I would be the only one at home for a few days while they looked for a new housekeeper.

When I called, Auntie lived outside of Seoul. I’m sure it was somewhere in Gyeonggi-do. Anyway, it’s far away no matter where it is. Thinking about Auntie taking care of a sick person, I couldn’t bring myself to call her.

“I’m going crazy, what should I do.”

First, I went back the way I came, looking at the floor. I went all the way to school, but I couldn’t see it. It wasn’t in my locker or in my desk drawer either. Only then did I think that maybe I didn’t bring the key with me when I came out. Our house door locks automatically. That’s why I didn’t pay attention to locking it.

Why is our front door double-locked? You just had to press the number. I sighed deeply as I returned home from school.

“And why is my phone… Ha, really. Nothing’s working out.”

To make matters worse, my phone battery was dead. I forgot to charge it last night, and this is what happened. I’ve been out of my mind for the past few days because of Go Yohan. I rubbed my hands vigorously to increase the battery even a little. I heard somewhere that doing this would bring the battery back to life a little. I pressed the power button again. There was still no response. I was ashamed of my stupid behavior for a moment and rubbed my head.

What about my wallet?

There’s no solution even if I ask myself. Anyway, it was supplementary classes, so school ended early, so I thought there was no need to bring my wallet. So I left it at home. Since I didn’t have my wallet, I couldn’t go to tutoring. I had to take a taxi, but I didn’t have the money to take a taxi.

All those worst-case scenarios led me to this unfamiliar doorbell.

“Yeah. I can’t just keep being on the street like this.”

I tried to reassure myself with a monologue. I sighed even louder and pressed the doorbell with trembling hands. Beep-. A loud noise. The doorbell sounds old-fashioned. I suppressed the fear that was gathering with other thoughts.

-Who is it?

It’s a young woman’s voice. If it’s a young woman at this time, is it the housekeeper? I licked my dry lips. Why am I so nervous about this? I spoke without stopping, lest she hang up the intercom.

“I, I’m Yohan’s friend.”

My throat was so dry that my voice cracked. My face turned hot. I hope she didn’t hear that. I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment. This was just the beginning. What I said next was even more embarrassing.

“This is Yohan’s house, right…?”

I haven’t said something like this since elementary school. I covered my face with both hands. I’m so embarrassed. As if fate intended for me to enjoy my embarrassment even more, there was no response from the intercom. I waited anxiously.

But there’s still no response. Wondering what was going on, I was about to press the doorbell again when I heard someone coming from across the front gate. I lowered my hands and waited again. Without realizing it, I put my hands together and placed them in front of my stomach. I took a deep breath. At the same time, the door opened.

It was Go Yohan who opened the door. And he was catching his breath.

“……Jun?”

“……Hi?”

I waved my hand slightly, feeling unnecessarily embarrassed.

“Can I go into your house?”

“……Our house? Suddenly, what about your house?”

Go Yohan asked with a dazed face. He looked surprised by my sudden appearance. This is the first time I’ve seen Go Yohan so flustered. I lost my words and hesitated. I didn’t expect this kind of reaction. Well, it’s not like I expected any particular reaction.

“Uh. That’s.”

I struggled to find the words to continue, wiggling my fingers.

“Lend me a charger.”

“Ah. A charger.”

Go Yohan nodded slowly. He looked like a creaky robot.

“Is it broken?”

“No.”

I shook my head. For some reason, only an awkward smile came out. The muscles in my face didn’t move properly. If Go Yohan had seen it, he probably would have thought it was very strange.

“I don’t have the house key.”

And I took out my cell phone from my pocket. I showed Go Yohan the dark screen.

“I don’t have a battery either.”

At that, Go Yohan frowned. He had a pretty troubled face. Seeing that face, my mood slowly sank. It felt like I was falling into a dirty swamp.

Ah. Should I have come? I lowered my head and looked for other alternatives.

I don’t know the numbers, so there’s no one to contact. Usually, everyone contacts each other through SNS in this kind of situation, but I don’t even have a common SNS account. I should have made one. Should I just borrow money from Go Yohan and get a quick charge at a convenience store? Yeah. That would be better.

“If it’s difficult, just lend me some money…”

“Come in.”

Go Yohan cut me off. It didn’t seem intentional. Go Yohan just spoke faster. Even in the midst of that, Go Yohan tilted his head slightly once, as if he had heard at least some of what I had said.

“What did you say just now?”

“No, nothing. I just misspoke.”

When I answered, waving my hand, Go Yohan shrugged his shoulders. Then he took a step back and opened the door wide. I swallowed hard once. I could see the grass that had withered in the winter. I slowly crossed the threshold and stepped into Go Yohan’s house. Go Yohan’s garden was softer and more fluffy than I thought.

“Didn’t you eat lunch either? Then?”

“Yeah. I went all the way to school to find the key, so time passed.”

“You should have bought something to eat on the way.”

“I left my wallet at home too.”

“What’s going on. There’s a time for you to do stupid things.”

Haha. White steam came out of Go Yohan’s laughing mouth. Go Yohan’s clothes were light because he had been at home. Go Yohan was wearing a thin T-shirt. Go Yohan’s broad, thin shoulders were revealed through the fabric. How much that right-angled line squeezed my desire. I raised the collar of my coat to hide my hot face.

“Are you cold?”

But it seems Go Yohan misunderstood. Still, I’m grateful that he understood like this. Because I don’t have to make excuses. I just nodded, embarrassed that my voice would crack again. Go Yohan saw my nod and walked quickly to press the number on the front door.

Go Yohan’s shoulder blades were revealed between the thin T-shirt. The shape of his broad back, which was revealed from time to time.

A T-shirt and cloth pants. Go Yohan must be colder even if I’m cold. White steam came out of Go Yohan every time he breathed.

I watched that steam and closed my eyes tightly. I’m really hopeless. You stupid bastard.

As soon as the front door opened, Go Yohan grabbed my arm from behind and pulled me in. My heart almost burst. Go Yohan was pulling me in so urgently that I didn’t even have time to look around at what the inside looked like.

“Hey, wait a minute…!”

All I felt was my arm touched by Go Yohan’s hand, my heart beating like it was about to burst, my head blank, and the smell of soap from Go Yohan.

Go Yohan’s room was on the same second floor as mine. Unlike my room, which was made up of wooden furniture, Go Yohan’s room was full of steel furniture. It was a cold and chilly room. There was a Jesus hanging on a cross near the entrance to the room. Since it was so big and in such a conspicuous place, I would see it every day.

I stared at the cross for a long time before averting my eyes. It felt like the hanging Jesus was looking at me.

“……”

What helped me was Go Yohan’s hand. A large hand suddenly came into view. I placed my cell phone on Go Yohan’s outstretched hand, sensing that it was what he wanted. Go Yohan opened another door attached to the room. Glancing at it, it seemed to be a bedroom. Go Yohan took out the charger next to his bed.

“You can just throw your bag anywhere in my living room, and just hang your coat on the sofa.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah.”

Go Yohan smiled and tapped my arm. I gently stroked the spot where he had touched me with my hand. Go Yohan put his hands in his pants pockets and left the room. When I was still, Go Yohan turned around and asked.

“Wait here for a moment, don’t come out.”

“Why?”

“Uh……”

His light-colored eyes rolled around, wondering what he was thinking. Then he looked at the left space and continued.

“I have to get permission from my parents that you came.”

“Ah, are your parents home now?”

“Yeah. My mother.”

“Then I should say hello…”

“No.”

A firm voice blocked my way. I felt like a huge wall was pressing down on me for a moment. It was a really strange feeling.

“Don’t come out until I tell you to.”

“Don’t your parents like friends coming over?”

“Uh, a little.”

“Ah, okay.”

It’s so firm that it’s embarrassing. I nodded carefully, feeling unnecessarily self-conscious. If you don’t like it, say you don’t like it first. Why do you have to be so firm? I blamed Go Yohan for my embarrassment.

“Okay, I’ll wait in the room until you come.”

I lowered my head and sat on the closest steel chair. And as I pretended to be spending time stretching my legs, Go Yohan stared at me silently before slowly closing the door and leaving. I looked at the closed door and opened my mouth dissatisfied.

“You make people feel unnecessarily embarrassed.”

I came in because I needed it, so there’s nothing to say. The weak are always pitiful. While waiting for Go Yohan, I looked around the space, which seemed to be at least twice as large as my room. My room also has a dressing room and a bathroom, but… It didn’t have a living room attached like Go Yohan’s. As I remember, Han Jun-woo’s room isn’t this big either.

‘Our house is richer than yours.’

“It is… I guess.”

He doesn’t look like it, but he’s very rich. He looks like he’s full of deprivation. Like someone who grew up lacking something. I got up from my seat with an absurd reason and looked around every corner of the room. There is no door connecting the room and the living room. It was just pierced in an arch shape. I could vaguely see the bed through it. I approached it with a somewhat satisfied feeling. The bed was about the same size as me. As I took a step, the door that Go Yohan had closed suddenly opened.

Go Yohan, who came in through the door, stared at me intently and asked.

“What are you doing? Snooping in someone else’s room.”

“Uh, no, I was just bored.”

“Come out.”

“Did you get permission?”

“Yeah, you said you were hungry? Let’s eat first.”

“Is it okay?”

“You should know you’re lucky. It’s braised short ribs for lunch today.”

So- fucking delicious. Go Yohan whispered softly.

Go Yohan waited for me with the door open. As I awkwardly passed by, Go Yohan, who had already closed the door, strode ahead of me with his long legs. He’s familiar with going down the stairs. Strange. It’s natural to be familiar with your own house, but what is it? This feeling? It’s like seeing a different side of Go Yohan.

I remembered what someone had said in the classroom one day. If a friend skillfully presses the number key to their friend’s house, doesn’t it look a little cool? Cool my ass. This bastard is talking nonsense. No, it’s not. It’s really true. When I asked where to throw away the trash, the way he skillfully took it and threw it in the trash can without answering was a little cool. There’s something about it. It’s like seeing a master who has mastered something.

I thought it was nonsense back then. But I kind of understand now. I could feel that subtle feeling. Is this what it’s like? I secretly pressed my chest with the palm of my hand.

Go Yohan, who guided me to the dining room, pulled out one of the dining table chairs.

“Sit here for a moment.”

“Uh, okay.”

He awkwardly moved his creaking body and sat on the chair. But Go Yohan, who I naturally assumed would sit across from me, headed into the kitchen as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Was he going to ask the Housekeeper Auntie for something? I waited, thinking he’d be back soon, but he was taking longer than expected.

As I waited alone, I got bored and stood up. After glancing around, I walked into the kitchen where Go Yohan had gone. And there, I saw something truly shocking.

“Uh…”

I wondered what Go Yohan was doing in the kitchen, but he was taking out dishes from the cabinet. He must have already put the braised short ribs in, because they were steaming in the clear bowl.

At first, I just stared at what he was doing, but the moment I realized it, it hit me with a wave of astonishment. He put that in there himself? Go Yohan?

As I quietly watched, he even took out side dishes from the refrigerator and put them in the bowls one by one.

…Go Yohan serving food himself.

The gap between his familiar actions, as if he’d always done this, and the unpredictable, arrogant attitude I’d seen at school bewildered me. The tips of Go Yohan’s fingers were red from the cold tap water. The water droplets, not properly wiped off and reflecting the light, made Go Yohan’s hands look even redder. I felt like I was going to die of awkwardness.

In the end, I couldn’t overcome the bizarre situation. So, I lingered near the kitchen and asked,

“Do you need help?”

Go Yohan snapped his head up. Only then did he realize I was in the kitchen, and his slender eyes widened slightly. And in that expression, I felt a subtle sense of guilt. Go Yohan’s pale face flushed red. As if he were feeling ashamed.

“It’s okay. Just go.”

Why are you making that face? It’s like I did something wrong.

“Oh? U-uh, okay.”

I almost said, ‘Sorry,’ but I pressed my lips shut. What do I have to be sorry for? I didn’t do anything wrong. Unable to say anything, I turned around and left the kitchen. For some reason, the dining chair I had been sitting on looked crooked. I was sure I hadn’t noticed it before. Unlike the other chairs neatly arranged around the square table, it stuck out.

“……”

I glanced at the kitchen. The clattering sounds continued. The sounds seemed to urge me to sit down. Should I sit down? Should I go in and keep him company? I didn’t know, having never experienced a situation like this before. In the end, I hesitated and sat down on the crooked chair. Sitting in the chair, I listened to the clattering of dishes and waited for Go Yohan.

Go Yohan’s red face was still vivid in my mind. He had only been putting food in bowls, but what was Go Yohan ashamed of? The guilt I felt from seeing that face still lingered. I looked around and saw the glass cup and bottle in the center of the table.

“Should I do something, at least…?”

I wanted to do something, anything. Should I pour some water? I quickly stood up and grabbed the water bottle and two cups. I poured about half a glass of water into each clear cup, placing one at my seat and the other across from me. I only poured half because I wasn’t sure if Go Yohan would drink it.

After putting the cups on the table and sitting back down, Go Yohan came out of the kitchen. He was carrying a tray full of small dishes. Go Yohan placed the tray on the table. Go Yohan, who lightly smiled while stroking his chin with his remaining hand, said.

“I was just going to quickly prepare a simple meal for you anyway, so I just did it myself.”

“Okay.”

Strangely, it sounded like Go Yohan was making excuses. At least, that’s how it sounded to me. I pretended not to notice the excuses. I slightly rose and moved the small dishes on the tray to the table.

“I’ll move the small stuff, so do something else if you have anything to do.”

I said that and glanced at Go Yohan. Go Yohan pouted his lower lip and quickly turned around. And immediately brought the rice bowl and the bowl of braised short ribs. After pushing the dishes around to make room for the braised short ribs, Go Yohan placed it there, sensing the situation.

“Thanks.”

This time, I looked directly at Go Yohan as I spoke. I sat back down on the crooked chair. As soon as I sat down, my hungry stomach finally made itself known.

“I’ll enjoy the meal.”

As I said that, Go Yohan, who had been standing there blankly staring at me, let out a hollow laugh.

What’s with him? I looked at his attitude strangely and placed my hand on the table with a familiar motion, but there was nothing there. Huh. I groped around the table without thinking. Go Yohan was now looking at me as if I were a curiosity. Annoyed by his gaze, I frowned and asked.

“What?”

“Were you going to eat with your hands?”

Only then did I remember what I had been unconsciously looking for. Ah. The utensils.

“Wait. I’ll get them.”

So that’s why Go Yohan hadn’t sat down. The confusion melted away, leaving only embarrassment. I cleared my throat unnecessarily. A loud burst of laughter came from the kitchen. Now my face was burning. Soon after, Go Yohan approached, holding chopsticks in one hand and a spoon in the other, waving them. His attitude seemed to be teasing me, so I pouted.

“Stop it, don’t laugh.”

“Wow. I never knew our Jun-i was an Indian.”

“Ah, seriously.”

The utensils were placed next to my rice bowl. I deliberately grabbed the chopsticks with a loud clatter.

“I poured you some water.”

“Oh? Really?”

Go Yohan turned his head and looked at the seat across from me. I looked at Go Yohan and then back at the rice bowl. Steam rose from the pure white rice. The way the rice was served wasn’t very neat, unlike Go Yohan. Just as I was about to pick up some rice and put it in my mouth, I heard the sound of a chair moving.

Not the chair across from me. The presence was coming from nearby. I put the rice in my mouth and looked up. Looking to the side, I saw Go Yohan sitting in the chair, watching me eat. He was holding the cup I had poured in one hand. He went out of his way to pick up the cup I had placed across from me and move it next to me?

That gesture felt strangely cute. I couldn’t chew my rice and started laughing, and Go Yohan scolded me.

“Chew before you laugh. Chew.”

“Yeah, I know.”

I put a side dish in my mouth, chewed, and answered. After swallowing the chewed food, I gave my honest opinion.

“…It’s good.”

“Of course. Our Housekeeper Auntie is a really good cook.”

“She seems quite young. Her skills are amazing.”

“Young? She’s in her late 50s?”

“Really? She sounded younger when I heard her voice.”

Go Yohan furrowed one eyebrow and drank his water. It was as if a large question mark was inside his pupils. Go Yohan, who seemed to have finished thinking, put down his cup and asked.

“Where did you hear the Housekeeper Auntie’s voice?”

“When I pressed the intercom earlier. The person who answered.”

I gestured slightly towards the front door and continued.

“Isn’t she the Housekeeper Auntie?”

But Go Yohan, on the other hand, frowned. He shook his head while holding the water cup in one hand.

“No, she’s not.”

“Then who is it?”

“There’s someone.”

Go Yohan put the cup to his lips again. But he didn’t drink, and muttered quietly.

“A real bitch.”

It was a small mutter, but because he was speaking into the cup, it was loud enough for anyone to hear.

A real bitch?

I wanted to ask more about the person who had suddenly appeared. But Go Yohan’s eyes weren’t good as he said that nickname. It’s better not to get involved in this kind of atmosphere. I thought it would be better not to ask and closed my mouth.

Go Yohan put the water cup on the table. The lacquered table softly absorbed the sound of the glass cup. The hand that put down the water crossed his arms and rested on the edge of the table. He leaned against the table and turned slightly to look at me.

“So, what are you going to do after you eat?”

I didn’t answer. Because my mouth was full of food. I just mumbled, keeping eye contact with Go Yohan. Go Yohan nodded shallowly and quietly watched me chew.

“……”

Why is he looking at me like that? I slightly lowered my gaze. It’s quite burdensome. Only after swallowing the chewed food could I speak. Still avoiding eye contact.

“I’m going to ask my parents as soon as I charge it.”

“They’re abroad right now, right?”

“They probably didn’t take the key with them. There must be someone they left it with.”

“Oho.”

Go Yohan put his fingers on his chin and nodded.

“But how did a meticulous guy like you forget your key?”

I stuffed rice into my mouth and glared at Go Yohan. It’s because of you. You. You messed up my head as much as you could and are now pretending to be innocent, which pisses me off. What on earth is he thinking with that gloomy face?

Honestly, I want to ask so badly.

Did you see Han Jun-woo and me fighting in the morning? But why aren’t you saying anything? If the fact that I like men is revealed, will you abandon me like Han Jun-woo? Am I even your friend? Are you also seeing me as just a useful errand boy like Han Jun-woo?

I was so frustrated that I felt like I would ask him one by one right away if I didn’t force the food into my mouth. But knowing that I couldn’t ask these questions, I just shoved the side dishes into my mouth without chewing.

“Why are you glaring at me like that?”

“……”

“Eat slowly. You’ll choke.”

Go Yohan raised his eyebrows. I must have eaten a lot, because my throat was blocked. I felt like the area below my collarbone was blocked. My stomach hurt from the stabbing sensation that felt like it was tightening my windpipe, so I pounded my chest with my fist. Then, Go Yohan suddenly half-rose, picked up the cup he was drinking from, and brought it close to my mouth. I was slightly taken aback by the sensation of the cold cup touching my lips. This isn’t even my cup… Isn’t he overdoing it a bit?

“Hey. I told you you’d choke.”

And one hand lightly patted my back. I gulped down the water that was being forced into my mouth, then slightly pulled back and avoided Go Yohan’s hand. Go Yohan’s kindness is better than Han Jun-woo’s victim mentality, but it sometimes makes me fear the aftermath.

Kindness is also poison. At least for me.

Go Yohan’s hand, which had been patting my back, hovered in the air. It was because I had twisted my body to avoid it. Then, Go Yohan’s eyebrows twitched once again.

“Why.”

But Go Yohan stopped talking. Strangely, that cold gaze shifted and turned behind me. I instinctively turned my head.

“……”

There was a girl who looked to be in middle school. Long, slender eyes with thin double eyelids. A cold face. White skin. And an overbearing expression. I remembered something Go Yohan had said once.

‘No. I’m the second. The second of three siblings. An older brother, a younger sister.’

Go Yohan’s father must have incredibly strong genes. The girl cast a look full of contempt. The end of that gaze was me and Go Yohan. I turned my head again and looked at Go Yohan’s face. That face was truly shocking.

The arrogant Go Yohan was slightly lowering his head and looking at the floor.

Was it just my imagination? Somehow, that face looked a little sad. Why would he make such an expression? Even I, who was looking at that pitiful face, was about to become depressed. I just didn’t like it. Why is Go Yohan making this expression? I couldn’t understand it, nor could I accept it. Behind me, I could feel a presence that was just passing by Go Yohan without any reaction.

Go Yohan is being ignored. By a girl who looks like his younger sister, no less.

A heavy silence flowed. Without realizing it, I clenched and unclenched my fist. And then, I turned around again and spoke to the girl who was about to pass by me and Go Yohan.

“Hello.”

The girl stopped and turned around. I smiled slightly and waved my hand.

“You’re Yohan’s sister, right? I’m your brother’s friend.”

In fact, it didn’t matter whether this girl just passed by or not, but Go Yohan’s expression, which I was seeing for the first time, drew me in. I just didn’t want to see Go Yohan being ignored. The girl slowly scanned me up and down.

I felt a strange sense of déjà vu from that gaze. I remember seeing that look somewhere. Was it the look Go Yohan’s father gave me? It was similar, but a little different. It was even earlier than that. When I met those cold eyes, it finally hit me.

It’s Go Yohan, whom I first saw in the cafeteria in the first year.

I almost burst out laughing at the sudden feeling of familiarity. Go Yohan was really annoying back then. Thinking of Go Yohan, who was so edgy back then, my eyes widened. The eyebrows of the girl who seemed to be Go Yohan’s younger sister twitched slightly. That habit is also hereditary. I felt a strange feeling.

“Are you two in the same school?”

“Yeah.”

I put on the most kind-looking smile I could muster. But Go Yohan’s younger sister responded to my efforts with a snort.

“You must be quite the delinquent too.”

Then she turned around and headed towards the kitchen. The words she muttered as she passed by were either meant to be heard, or she didn’t care if they were heard.

“What’s the point of just having a pretty face.”

The voice disappeared as she entered the kitchen. I felt as if I had been hit hard on the back of the head and was dumbfounded. I was so dumbfounded that I forgot what to say. As I stood there blankly, unable to find the words to say, I heard a sobbing sound from somewhere.

“Sniff.”

Go Yohan, who had been bowing his head in my field of vision, began to heave his shoulders. What’s wrong. Go Yohan. What’s wrong with him again. Could he be crying? I was flustered. After hesitating, I put my hand on Go Yohan’s back.

But the sobbing sound was a little strange. While I was panicking, Go Yohan suddenly raised his head.

“Ah, damn it!”

The emotion in Go Yohan’s face was not sadness, but joy.

“…What? Are you laughing right now?”

“I can’t help it. Seeing you being treated like a delinquent is so funny.”

Go Yohan, who was frowning and laughing, wiped away his tears and said.

“Don’t feel too bad. Go Rosa is always like that. Just think of it as a commemoration. When else in your life will you be treated like a delinquent?”

“I don’t feel bad at all. Why would I care about what a kid says.”

“Yeah. Yeah.”

A large hand lightly patted my back. It was an attitude as if he was comforting me. There’s not much to comfort me about. I squinted at Go Yohan. But his younger sister’s name is strange.

“But your sister’s name is Go Rosa?”

“Yeah. Rosa, just like her baptismal name. Isn’t it weird? What kind of name is that.”

I don’t think you’re in a position to laugh. I shook my head at Go Yohan’s childish attitude. I heard something closing from the kitchen. It was probably the refrigerator. Judging by the way Go Yohan’s younger sister, Go Rosa, was holding a drink in her hand.

Go Rosa glared at Go Yohan with a frown and passed by us again without a word.

Go Yohan didn’t get angry at his sister’s attitude, but instead made a blank expression and just stared. That blank expression strangely kept bothering me. It was a strange face that I had never seen before. It wasn’t a face that was trying to ignore someone. Rather, it was a face that was looking at someone difficult. I bit my lip slightly. And called out to his younger sister as she passed by.

“Rosa.”

Go Rosa, the younger sister who was crushing Go Yohan, stopped at my words again.

“Am I handsome? Really?”

“No.”

Go Rosa continued.

“You’re ugly.”

Didn’t you say I was pretty a moment ago? The words that didn’t make sense were absurd.

“Really? Sorry. I must have misheard.”

“……”

But Go Yohan’s younger sister just stood there without saying anything. I looked up at her and asked. I blinked my eyes as slowly as possible, putting on the softest smile I could show.

“Why?”

“I’ll give you some advice.”

Go Yohan’s younger sister slightly distorted one side of her face.

“Don’t be friends with him. Unless you want to be tainted.”

The younger sister spat out the words in a blunt tone without waiting for an answer and left the dining room. I was a little flustered, but that’s just how kids are. I shook my head and turned towards the direction where the food was set.

I was about to pick up the chopsticks again, but I felt a stinging gaze. I raised my head and saw Go Yohan hiding his mouth with the back of his hand and laughing. My heart fell to the floor again. Go Yohan leaned in slightly. Go Yohan, who was close to my body, whispered very quietly so that his younger sister wouldn’t hear.

“Hey. I think she likes you.”

But why does Go Yohan’s smiling face look so sad? He didn’t seem like that at all. I just stared at him, unable to understand what he was saying, and Go Yohan scratched near his chin, looking embarrassed. With a very awkward face.

“But isn’t he really rude?”

Go Yohan jumped onto the sofa, which was as big as a bed, as soon as he entered the room. I followed Go Yohan and picked up the phone near the table next to the sofa, squatting down in that spot.

It seemed like quite some time had passed, as it was charged adequately. I roughly checked the time and figured my parents might be asleep, so I just sent them a message. I also added in the message that I was at a friend’s house in the same neighborhood.

“Haa…”

A sigh popped out of my mouth like a habit. I wonder if they’ll contact me early. It’s a bit awkward to go to the academy after being at Go Yohan’s place, so I should skip it today. I grabbed the sofa with my hand to get up. My hand touched the edge of the sofa, and my head naturally turned towards Go Yohan. At that moment, I made eye contact with Go Yohan.

I unknowingly took a deep breath. I had to widen my eyes to avoid showing it. It was because Go Yohan was looking at me, lying on his side with his head propped up by his hand.

“Aren’t you going to call?”

I just stayed still even after hearing the question. Go Yohan’s actions are fatal to me, who is interested in him. The resentful Go Yohan smiled at me.

“Do you even plan on going home right now?”

“…I thought you might be asleep right now, so.”

“What a filial son. You’re even thinking about your parents in this situation.”

Go Yohan’s finger taps the soft leather seat. It gently went up and down from his index finger to his ring finger. The long fingers created a dissonance. Tap- tap tap-. I swallowed, looking at Go Yohan’s fingers with slightly exposed knuckles.

“If it seems like I’m staying here for too long…”

I raised my eyes to look at Go Yohan’s face.

“Lend me a little money. I’ll stay at a hotel for one night and pay you back tomorrow.”

“Why would I?”

Go Yohan shook his head slightly.

“I don’t want to.”

As I said before, Go Yohan sometimes lends money and sometimes refuses based on some incomprehensible criteria. It seems my first request failed Go Yohan’s standards. It’s not really unfair. I’m a person who is well aware of myself. I understood it well, meaning that’s all I am to Go Yohan. If I were an important person, he would have lent it to me somehow.

Rather, this level of distance was just right. A line that’s moderately disappointing and not rude. A lifeline that helps the foolish me escape from the trap I crawled into again.

I don’t want to do anything with Go Yohan. I don’t want to be hated for having my feelings exposed. I also don’t want to live a complicated life. I thought it would be okay if we got separated into different classes in our senior year of high school and gradually drifted apart. Go Yohan’s answer to my question a while ago wasn’t certain, but it didn’t sound like he was going to cut off contact. Yeah. I’m satisfied with this much.

“Okay.”

Since my phone is charged anyway, I can somehow borrow money now. When I think about it, there are many ways to spend money even if I don’t borrow it. I just didn’t think of it right away because I don’t use it often. I nodded, accepting Go Yohan’s standards.

“I understand.”

I tapped the phone screen. The time and remaining battery appeared. 56%. I stared at the number for a moment, then looked back at Go Yohan and said.

“I’ll leave as soon as it’s fully charged.”

Then Go Yohan frowned. Go Yohan, who had been propping up his head, let go of his hand and flopped onto the bed. Go Yohan’s small head burrowed deeply into the blanket. Now, Go Yohan, who had completely turned his face in the opposite direction from me, replied.

“Okay.”

With that answer, Go Yohan was silent. I wondered if he had fallen asleep, so I listened closely and heard a small breathing sound. As I sat still and listened to the breathing, my eyes also gently closed. I raised my knees and wrapped my arms around them. I rested my head on top of them. A quiet stillness came over Go Yohan.

In the silence, I heard something tapping. I thought it was Go Yohan’s finger, but it wasn’t. Before long, I heard the sound of water pouring down. It was a winter rain.

It was the heavy rain that broke the silence, which seemed like it would last forever, and my promise. Rain instead of snow in winter. It was true that this winter would be the warmest winter ever, even though last winter was the worst cold wave. The sudden rain brought darkness into the room.

A dark afternoon. Amidst the sound of rain hitting the window, I heard the sound of the blanket moving. I felt a gaze. I slowly straightened my back.

In the darkness, I saw Go Yohan’s cold eyes. This time, he was lying face down. Go Yohan’s chin was buried in the blanket. The blanket was so fluffy that half of Go Yohan’s face was covered by the swollen blanket. Thanks to that, all I could see were Go Yohan’s eyes. And his hair, which was puffed up as if he had laid down right after lying down.

I made eye contact with Go Yohan. The cold eyes slowly curved.

“What should we do? It looks like we can’t even go outside now.”

“I guess so.”

“You, today…”

Go Yohan’s voice cracked at the end. I got goosebumps at the voice. Even in the midst of that, my eyes didn’t leave Go Yohan’s eyes.

“I think I’ll just have to sleep over.”

“……”

I cleared my throat in a voice so small that Go Yohan couldn’t hear. Otherwise, my voice would have been hoarse too.

“Okay.”

Go Yohan stared at me quietly and said that. Go Yohan’s eyes, which had been slightly curved, sank gloomily like a dark afternoon on a rainy day. And Go Yohan also sank. Judging by the fact that he was looking at the window with eyes full of gloom and muttering quietly.

“Ah, I don’t like it.”

Maybe Go Yohan doesn’t want me to be at home. It really seems like that. It’s not my imagination. It was certain. Unable to bear this gloomy atmosphere, I got up.

“Where are you going?”

Go Yohan, who straightened up at the same time as I got up, asked. When I got up, Go Yohan’s feet were out of the bed. They were so long.

“Since I’m skipping the academy today, I’m going to study by myself.”

“Then I’ll do it with you.”

Go Yohan got up, supporting his body with his arms. But there was no need to get up so hastily. Perhaps because he got up suddenly, Go Yohan, who sprained his arm, lost his balance for a moment and staggered. I ignored the sight and left the room with the bed. I saw the bag that was left alone in Go Yohan’s living room.

After all, the only books I had with me right now were the workbooks I used for supplementary classes. Still, a workbook was perfect for wasting time. I took the workbook out of my bag and sat down at the table to do my homework, and Go Yohan followed me and sat across from me. And after glancing at the book I took out, he groaned.

“Ah, really… why of all things.”

“Why?”

I inadvertently looked at the book I was holding. Korean Language Teacher. It’s Go Yohan’s weakness.

“Ah.”

I realized it on my own and answered on my own.

“You do something else. It’s better to maintain what you’re good at than to hold on to something you’re not good at.”

“I don’t want to.”

Go Yohan was already dragging his school bag. He stood there and rummaged through his bag, then threw the book and pencil case on the table as if throwing them.

“I’m going to do that too.”

I saw a pen sticking out from between the messily spread books and pencil case and rolling on the table. Go Yohan plopped down in his seat. I observed all of Go Yohan’s actions and opened the workbook. Go Yohan looked at the page number I opened. And he opened the same page as me.

“……”

When I solved one problem, he followed and solved it, and when I solved another problem, he followed and solved it. However, Go Yohan’s speed gradually fell behind. In the end, he couldn’t keep up with my speed, so he grabbed his head and groaned.

“Ah. It’s freaking hard.”

“I guess so.”

“You’re solving it really well for someone who says that? You’re so annoying.”

Go Yohan sneered. I glanced at Go Yohan’s face and buried my head back in the problem. What’s freaking hard for me isn’t the problem. It’s you, Go Yohan, who is the problem. If Han Jun-woo was an error to me, Go Yohan was a difficult problem.

By the time I finished my homework and completed the preview and correction of wrong answers, the sun had already set and it was dark. I looked up at the clock and it was only 5:30. If I had gone to the academy, it would have ended a little after 11 o’clock. Even though I spent my time lavishly and finished my work, the day was still spacious. Since there weren’t many wrong answers anyway, it didn’t take long to correct them.

“I’m all done…”

I quickly cut off my words. It was because Go Yohan was still wandering in the swamp. The wrinkles on his forehead became deeper. Go Yohan clicked the pen with his long fingers. Was there a problem that he had to worry about so much? The black lines scratched on the paper were noticeable. And the problem included in the writing too. Ah. It was definitely a difficult question.

“Is it that hard?”

“Is there even an answer in this? Isn’t there an error in this problem?”

As if he had been waiting, a grumpy voice popped out. The black pen now left the writing and scratched the numbers attached to the problem.

“No, there’s an answer.”

I slowly reached out my hand. Go Yohan had definitely found the answer. The answer to the question was under the scratched black lines. He just hadn’t noticed it. I put my finger on the part that pointed to the answer. Go Yohan’s gaze, which had been drawing lines on the problem, turned to the tip of my finger.

“It’s hard, but you can definitely do it. You just have to avoid the trap.”

Go Yohan frowned again. This time, he tilted his head slightly and looked back and forth between the part I was pointing to and the problem. The pupils, which had been moving little by little as if reading the writing, stopped abruptly. Go Yohan’s face became serious. The pen, which had been drawing meaningless lines, poked the workbook. It was the part where Go Yohan was struggling. Go Yohan hesitated and marked a number. And he slightly raised his eyes and looked at me. As if asking for permission.

“…Number 3?”

I made a circle with my index finger and thumb. Go Yohan put his gaze inside the circle I made. Joy slowly spread like a flower blooming on his gloomy and cold face. It was just a fleeting moment. I stared at the face as if possessed. On the face that bloomed fleetingly, there was a joy that I couldn’t bear to ignore or pretend not to see. My instinct also smiled brightly following him. The smile soon disappeared.

When I came to my senses, I was already rolling up my sleeves and helping Go Yohan with his corrections. By the time Go Yohan’s homework was all finished, it was already 7 o’clock. And we leaned our chins on the table and shared trivial stories again. Most of them were like this.

“Did you really study world history with ‘Distant Countries, Close Neighbors’?”

“Yeah.”

“Then for Korean history, you used something like ‘500 Years of the Joseon Dynasty in Comics’, really?”

“That’s what I’m saying. Why would I lie to you about that?”

“You secretly lie often. It’s almost a habit.”

“No, I don’t.”

Go Yohan frowned. I frowned the same way. Yeah. Because you’re really a liar. The trivial competition ended when a rumbling sound came from Go Yohan’s stomach.

“……”

“……”

I turned my eyes to look at the clock. 7:30. I ate lunch late, but it was definitely time for Go Yohan to be hungry.

“Aren’t you eating dinner?”

“Uh, I have to.”

Go Yohan rolled his lips into his mouth. He had a troubled face. Go Yohan looked back and forth between me and the clock on the wall.

“Are you hungry?”

“I’m just okay.”

Of course, I couldn’t be hungry since I ate late. Go Yohan blinked his long eyes.

“Then I’ll eat later too.”

“You’re hungry.”

“Since when have you been so interested in me?”

Go Yohan’s unusually large hand lightly hit my arm. Come to think of it, since when have I become so interested in you? Maybe it was in the fall. I regretted my fall and acted.

“The sound coming from your stomach earlier wasn’t at a level where I could pretend not to hear it.”

“You have no tact.”

Go Yohan gave me a scolding. This time, his long, big hand tapped the back of my hand. Since he’s tall, his legs are long, his arms are long, and his hands are big too. Then suddenly, a sexual thought came to mind. It’s a thought that naturally comes to mind when you’re eighteen. If your hands are big and your nose is high, then that’s big too. Park Dong-cheol’s words suddenly came to mind.

‘That’s right. Go Yohan’s is bigger too, right?’

I wonder if Go Yohan’s is really big. My gaze naturally went under the table.

“Hey. What are you looking at?”

Gasp. I widened my eyes. Go Yohan was looking at me with a serious face, resting his chin on his hand. My heart sank. Uh, uh. I couldn’t get my words out properly. Go Yohan’s eyebrows arched upwards.

“Are you looking at my thing right now?”

“Loo, looking at what? I didn’t look, okay?”

“You looked so obviously, what do you mean you didn’t look.”

“No. It’s your imagination. I didn’t look.”

Go Yohan’s eyebrows arched even more. Then he soon let out a dry laugh. Go Yohan pointed under the table with his finger and said.

“Imagination? You were staring at my stomach so much?”

Stomach?

“Hey. Yeah. I rumbled. Okay? You’re always suspicious and can’t trust others. You’re always rolling your eyes wondering what you’re thinking, and you’re doing it now too.”

“Ah, no. That’s not it.”

I reflexively waved my hand. That’s not it. No, but what else? What are you going to say after saying that’s not it? When I think about it, that’s even weirder. That I looked between your legs instead of your stomach? That I was curious if your thing was big like your hands? Damn it. I hurriedly lowered my hand. And I smiled awkwardly.

“Ah, I got caught. How embarrassing.”

“Wow.”

Go Yohan shook his head. At the same time, he slowly clapped his hands and bowed his head solemnly like a general in a drama. What is it? I frowned with a uneasy face.

“General, thank you very much for admitting it so readily.”

“What general?”

“Huh? There is. A self-righteous general. Someone like you.”

His face was full of mockery. He was mocking me to the point of teasing me. In addition, my face was getting hotter and hotter with embarrassment. I hurriedly shook off my pants and got up.

“I’m going to the bathroom. Where is it?”

“Uh, go out of the room and go to the left.”

Go Yohan pointed to the air with his chin and said. Then he stretched his hand, which had been clapping, behind him to support his body. He was definitely in a lower position than me, but he had a gaze that made me feel like he was looking down on me.

“Don’t go down the stairs, and don’t get lost going to other places because they look fun. You have to come back safely!”

“Be quiet.”

I glanced at the giggling Go Yohan and closed the door. After closing the door, I took a big sigh in front of it. It was a sense of relief that I had escaped the situation well. In fact, I didn’t even want to go to the bathroom. I just wanted to get out of that situation quickly. Still, I said I’d go to the bathroom, so I should go. For the sake of a perfect crime.

Was it to the left? As I moved my steps, I heard cheerful laughter coming up the stairs. What is it? Go Yohan’s room was so quiet. Curiosity arose. My feet automatically headed for the stairs instead of the left. Go Yohan told me not to go down. I put my hand on the wall and slowly went down, and I heard familiar voices. It was the dining room. I slowly stretched my head and secretly peeked at the source of the sound.

“I think I can easily get the top grade at Special Purpose High School, Mother. My grades are good.”

“Rosa, I knew you would. You’re so smart.”

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t make an effort!”

There was a friendly family in the dining room. A middle-aged woman smiling elegantly with her hand covering her mouth, and Go Yohan’s Father, whom I had seen before. Go Yohan’s younger sister smiled brightly as if she had never looked at anyone with contempt. Rather, she was actively speaking as if trying to appeal her own pride.

“I’m always diligent and never complacent. I don’t trust talent, and I’m always suspicious.”

Is that something a middle school student should be proud of? Next to the younger sister, who was making strange boasts, was a young man. A man with glasses and a high nose. He smiled mockingly, raising one corner of his mouth like Go Yohan, but more than Go Yohan and Go Rosa… He resembled the middle-aged woman next to him.

“I’m glad you’re doing well without me having to say anything.”

A blunt voice praised in a tone without strength or intonation.

“……”

There was a fancy table in front of the family, and even as they were talking, a woman wearing an apron was busily moving food from the kitchen. I felt strange. The memories in my head were linked like chains.

A Father who doesn’t talk about his children, Go Yohan who doesn’t go to academies, the contemptuous look in his younger sibling’s eyes as they look at Go Yohan, Go Yohan who never said anything to me, and a word I heard from Go Yohan one day.

‘I hate my dad.’

Chains tangled. I bit my lip. Before I was caught, I turned around and quickly moved to the living room. Fortunately, there was a wall blocking the stairs, so it seemed like I wouldn’t be seen. The reason I looked around the living room was obvious. Usually, there are family photos in the living room. I, who was convinced for no reason, quickly scanned between the table, the coffee table, and the storage cabinet. Then I saw a cabinet with glass doors.

“…….”

There were photos inside the cabinet. A photo taken at a high school graduation ceremony caught my eye. The main character is that young man from before. The high school sign in one corner of the photo is Sehan High School. I know it just by the name. The best prestigious autonomous private high school in Korea where the children of chaebols who can fly go.

Next to it, another small photo was of Go Yohan’s younger sister taken when she was young. It was a photo of her smiling innocently under a tree. And another photo was of a couple. Another was a first birthday photo. The name written below it was Go Yoseb.

Another photo was of an elementary school graduation ceremony. And the main character of the photo was clearly Go Yohan’s younger sister, Go Rosa. Strangely, there were no photos of the whole family together.

There were no photos of Go Yohan either.