7 – Ominous Overtime

Class ended promptly at 12 PM. There wasn’t a closing address, per se. I put the worksheets used in class into my bag. As soon as class ended, the guys who had been packing their bags like they were possessed rushed out like water flowing down a drain.

They’ll just have to go to cram school anyway, so what’s the big deal? I wondered why they were making such a fuss. As I zipped up my bag and slung it over my shoulder, Go Yohan, who had been waiting next to me, sneered.

“Our Jun-i is so slow.”

“If I go fast, I’ll get stuck in that crowded space. I’d rather be a little late.”

“Hmm, I guess so.”

Go Yohan nodded with his hands in his pockets. He didn’t seem like someone who would scold me for being late. Go Yohan didn’t even properly put on his bag, just slung it over one shoulder.

“Put your bag on properly.”

“Why are you picking a fight?”

“Picking a fight?”

Go Yohan tapped near my collarbone with the back of his hand, and I pretended to be pushed away. But I couldn’t help but feel the corners of my lips rising. I unconsciously let out a sly smile, and then quickly shut my mouth, realizing what I was doing. I wondered what I was doing, and I had an uneasy feeling that my life would be screwed up if I made a mistake. I tried not to look at Go Yohan.

“It is picking a fight. Why is the bag being brought up here?”

“You were the one who said I was slow first.”

Go Yohan didn’t answer my words. When there was something Go Yohan didn’t want to answer, he would just stand still and stare blankly at people with an expression that made you wonder what he was thinking. He only said what he wanted to say, and only answered what he wanted to answer. Hanging out with Go Yohan, I had become accustomed to this kind of conversation. And as always, he would suddenly change the subject.

“Did you copy me again?”

“Copy what?”

“Your bangs seem a little long.”

“Are you the only one whose bangs grow?”

When I took a step back, Go Yohan took a step forward. I couldn’t bring myself to look Go Yohan in the eye, and only looked at his approaching feet. It would be weird to suddenly make a face in this atmosphere, so I forced a smile and walked backwards towards the door.

“You’re lying.”

I took another step back. Go Yohan took another step forward. I soon reached the end of the classroom door. The white threshold, I stepped on the boundary line between the classroom and the hallway. I shouted hastily.

“I didn’t copy you. I’m going to cut them.”

“When are you going to cut them? Where? Let’s get a definite answer first.”

“Ah. Seriously. I’m cutting them today. Today. So please don’t come any closer.”

I stepped on the threshold and reached out to block him, when I heard a familiar voice from the side.

“Um, excuse me…”

I grabbed the classroom door and looked to the side. Across the threshold, Han Tae-san was outside the back door. I took another step back and looked down at the guy who was a head shorter than me. I looked at him with a ‘why are you here’ look, and the guy, who met my eyes, hesitated and showed me the key.

“I, I’m on duty today, so.”

“Ah.”

So, Han Tae-san couldn’t leave because I wasn’t leaving.

“Sorry, we were too oblivious.”

“Ah, no…”

“What? Han Tae-san, you’re on duty?”

In an instant, the scent of soap covered me like a storm. It was because Go Yohan suddenly put his arm around my shoulder. My body stiffened. The body that had come close behind me slightly pressed against my back.

My thought process stopped along with it. My mind went blank. Because my body was stiff, I couldn’t even swallow naturally. I swallowed the saliva that felt like cotton soaked in water.

“Then you should have said you were on duty earlier. What are you creepily watching here?”

He finally bent his arm and wrapped it around my neck. When I became silent, Han Tae-san looked back and forth between me and Go Yohan. It was a look of observation. I got goosebumps. That look was familiar. It was similar to the look I had when I observed the relationship between Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san in the past. I hastily inhaled the cold air and pulled Go Yohan’s arm down. I quickly diverted Han Tae-san’s attention.

“So, how is your grandmother doing these days?”

“Ah, yeah. The, the surgery is going well. Her condition has improved a lot too.”

“No problems, right?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah.”

Fortunately, Han Tae-san responded easily. Han Tae-san scratched near his neck with his rain-soaked fingers on his chubby cheeks.

“Yes, thanks to you, it’s easier to go to school these days.”

“What have I ever done for you…”

“Ah, no.”

It was Han Tae-san’s firm words that cut me off.

“You, you’ve done a lot for me.”

What on earth did I do? What did I do that would make Han Tae-san think I helped him? The only thing I could think of was that I had interfered with Han Jun-woo’s bullying. And that was all because I was jealous of him.

“…Really?”

I don’t understand. But I’m not curious. So I just gave a perfunctory answer. I subtly gave him the hint that I wanted to stop talking, but this clueless Han Tae-san didn’t get it at all. Rather, he was pursing his lips as if he was about to say something.

“Um, Tae-san-ah. Can I go now? Are you going to close the door?”

I wanted to get out of this uncomfortable situation somehow, so I spoke hastily, and he opened his mouth, which had been frustratingly closed for a while, as if he had made up his mind.

“Ah, when no one talked to me, when you talked to me first, when Jun-woo bullied me and you stopped him, when you told me the homework range every time, and, and when you let me run away when I was having a hard time. All of that… was all you.”

“…”

“…I really wanted to thank you in person.”

The sound of Han Tae-san swallowing echoed in the hallway. Han Tae-san, who took a deep breath, rubbed his chest. From behind, I could hear humming, or rather, something that resembled humming.

“Ha. I, I feel so relieved. I, I was really frustrated.”

So, he was staring at me strangely all this time just to say this? To thank me? Then he could have just texted or called, why did he have to say it face to face? He’s really someone I can’t understand logically. Ha. A dumbfounded sigh escaped my lips.

“Oh, okay…”

As I answered with a bewildered feeling, a heavy arm was suddenly placed on my shoulder again. My breath hitched. Not knowing that I was looking at the floor because I couldn’t breathe, Go Yohan pressed down on my chest with his finger and slowly stroked it. Go Yohan’s middle finger passed over my right chest and tickled my left shoulder. I ended up clenching my fist and biting my lip without realizing it.

Damn it. It would be better to pretend to be nonchalant as much as possible. Anxiety consumes me. Did Go Yohan just think I was surprised? The snake-like hand wrapped around my neck and said this.

“You know, you really like Jun-i, don’t you?”

“…Huh?”

“Your expression is different than usual.”

Han Tae-san’s eyes wavered. The hand that had brushed against my neck reached my ear. Go Yohan’s cold hand caressed my ear. I lost my words and stiffened.

“Oh, is that so?”

“I’ve been wondering for a while now. Why do you always steal glances at Jun-i?”

Damn it.

This crazy bastard. To ask that so openly. Like Han Tae-san, I was also in a state of panic. Since I couldn’t see Go Yohan’s face, I didn’t know what his intentions were in doing this.

“I…”

But Han Tae-san’s gaze was always directed at me. It’s burdensome.

“That, that’s…”

“It’s okay. Tae-san-ah. You don’t have to answer. He’s just joking to tease you.”

Because I don’t really want to hear it, and I’m not interested. I tapped Han Tae-san’s forearm. Then Han Tae-san’s gaze went to his forearm, and he ran his palm over the part I had touched.

“Why? I’m curious.”

I heard a giggle. Go Yohan’s small sway rubbed against my back. Damn it.

“…”

“Stop it.”

I knocked away Go Yohan’s hand that was touching my ear with the back of my hand. At that moment, a small Rosary dangling from Go Yohan’s arm caught my eye.

Nightmares come to mind. No, terrible memories. My mind collapses into darkness due to the attitude with unknown intentions and reasons. Go Yohan’s incomprehensible attitude only provokes clumsy guesses. Why is Go Yohan doing this now? At the same time, I felt like my stomach was turning and I was about to jump up and down.

If he was a guy who revealed his emotions as they were, like Han Jun-woo, I would have made a wise decision, but since he’s a guy whose actions change like a seesaw, there’s no way to know. Go Yohan reveals his weaknesses himself, lies, and sometimes blurts out truths that make people uncomfortable. And he complicates the situation. I couldn’t figure out what Go Yohan wanted.

“Tae-san-ah, if you keep showing that kind of shady attitude, there will be a lot of people in trouble.”

Go Yohan’s hand, which had fallen from my ear, grabbed my shoulder tightly.

“Ah…”

It hurt. But Go Yohan didn’t seem to care at all. Because the strength of his grip on my shoulder was getting stronger. Damn it, my eyes are getting hot.

“That includes Jun-i too. You know? The fight between Han Jun-woo and us.”

“…”

“I’m saying all this because I’m thinking of you.”

Still, at least Go Yohan is on my side. At least he’s on my side right now. I repeated it dozens of times in my head. Han Tae-san’s eyes widened and he panicked at Go Yohan’s advice, and he waved his hands and said.

“Th, Kang Jun. Don’t misunderstand. Th, that’s not a weird thing. That… I, I just.”

I didn’t even want to hear it, so I smiled awkwardly and looked at the floor of the hallway.

“Th, that’s right. I know.”

“It’s really not like that, I, I just want to be like you…”

Han Tae-san continued to speak. He looked at me, then at Go Yohan. Like a frightened herbivore.

Could Han Tae-san, who even Han Jun-woo couldn’t handle, dare to stand up to Go Yohan? Han Tae-san couldn’t even finish his words properly and just turned his body with a flushed face. He only put the key on the windowsill of the hallway after finishing his duty. And then he turned around again and looked at me and Go Yohan. And then he straightened his uniform and left the hallway as if he were running away.

“…”

I couldn’t understand everything, so I just stood still. What broke the silence was Go Yohan’s voice, which had sunk as if it were about to crash to the floor.

“He wants to be like you. Is that even a plausible thing to say?”

Go Yohan’s hand scratched my shoulder hard. Following Go Yohan’s touch, the fabric of my uniform was pulled into Go Yohan’s hand. Han Tae-san goes down the stairs. The sound of footsteps echoing in the hallway grew smaller. Go Yohan glared at his back and said.

“He needs to know his place.”

There was no trace of the laughter that was always contained in his calm tone. He was just letting out his feelings without hiding them. Then he stood next to me. Finally, we were in a proper shoulder-to-shoulder position. Only then did I raise my head and look at Go Yohan’s profile. There was no focus in Go Yohan’s eyes.

He’s a guy I don’t know how to deal with at all. That’s Go Yohan. From the beginning, Go Yohan was more difficult than Han Jun-woo.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t push Go Yohan’s arm off my shoulder in the end. I managed to take it off once in front of the shoe rack under the pretext that it was uncomfortable, but it was grabbed again as we left the school. It was a complete failure. But this time, there was no touching of my arms, ears, or fingers near my chest. The important thing is that there were no words either.

Okay. This should be fine. I’ll have to push him away again, but I don’t want to lose a friend. I hope the atmosphere doesn’t get ruined on the way home. I didn’t want to fall out with Go Yohan again because of Han Tae-san. Go Yohan is a necessary person for a smooth high school life.

But why do I keep feeling like I’m rationalizing? I felt uneasy inside.

“Ha, crazy.”

And, it seems like Han Jun-woo is really crazy about Han Tae-san. Otherwise, there’s no way he would be waiting for Han Tae-san in front of the school gate like that. Han Jun-woo, wearing casual clothes, was digging in the dirt with the tip of his sneakers. His arrogant face, still with his arms crossed, was clearly revealed in the winter sun.

Whew. I suddenly heard Go Yohan’s whistle. It’s obvious. He must have seen Han Jun-woo. I followed his gaze and looked ahead. It seems like Han Jun-woo hasn’t seen us yet.

“Isn’t that a little creepy?”

Go Yohan chuckled and lightly hit my chest with his arm. The moment I received a small but big shock to my heart, my breath stopped again. My head is spinning. My breathing is getting worse and worse because I keep paying attention to the touched area. I suddenly raised my head. I’m getting closer to the unlucky Han Jun-woo.

Unlike my unstable breathing, my steps are still the same. It was a step that contained my efforts to show only the agitation that wouldn’t reveal my emotions. Sometimes I staggered slightly, pushed by Go Yohan’s irregular steps. But it wouldn’t look strange to others.

I was going to just pass through the school gate like that. I don’t like Han Jun-woo, because he’s uncomfortable. And if I don’t talk to him, if I don’t look at him, nothing will happen.

But Go Yohan always goes down dangerous paths.

“Oh, long time no see?”

I was shocked. I never expected him to greet Han Jun-woo so happily. And to do it with such a bright smile, as if we had never fought. Han Jun-woo’s expression with his arms crossed contorted. Of course, I was a little like that too.

“Shut up and pass by?”

This is a first. It’s the first time Han Jun-woo and I have been on the same page. But Go Yohan ignored Han Jun-woo’s warning and pretended to be scared.

“You’re making a big deal out of a greeting. When did the world become so bleak?”

“Are we even on greeting terms?”

“Then are we not on greeting terms?”

“…Crazy bastard.”

I glanced at Go Yohan and gently pulled on his collar. And I shook my head. Fortunately, Go Yohan shrugged his shoulders once and closed his mouth. I breathed a sigh of relief inwardly. I was trying to fix the situation, but Han Jun-woo’s face, who met my eyes, was more frowned upon than when he heard the greeting from Go Yohan. What’s wrong with him.

“Han Tae-san.”

“What?”

“Did Han Tae-san come to school today?”

Is he asking me that now? I was so dumbfounded that I almost made a ridiculous face. Fortunately, I quickly collected myself before Han Jun-woo noticed. I pretended to clear my throat and covered my face, then straightened my mouth and lowered my hand. I answered with an expression that was as calm as possible.

“He came.”

“Then why isn’t he coming out?”

“How would I know? Why are you asking me that?”

Isn’t he a crazy bastard? Why is he asking me that? I already knew that Han Jun-woo’s obsession with Han Tae-san had exceeded the level of reason, but based on this situation, Han Jun-woo is definitely crazy. He’s trying to crawl to the bottom. I ridiculed such Han Jun-woo. But Han Jun-woo also ridicules me. Disagreeably.

“You have an impudent tone.”

“What?”

He openly ignores people. It was the familiar look of seeing a loser in a lower rank. My face, which had been ridiculing Han Jun-woo, crumpled in an instant.

“You’re arrogant because you have a man backing you up. You’re a cunning bastard.”

“Hey, Han Jun-woo.”

I was so dumbfounded and speechless that I couldn’t even retort. You unlucky bastard. My hand, trembling with anger, grabbed whatever fabric it could.

“Jun-woo-yah.”

But Go Yohan suddenly called out to Han Jun-woo.

Han Jun-woo narrowed his brows. He had the face of someone wondering what kind of nonsense he was going to say again. As expected, Go Yohan, who is always lighthearted, said something strange again.

“It’s good to talk, but can’t you talk without flaring your nostrils so much? It’s a bit disgusting.”

“What, you son of a bitch…”

“And isn’t it a little embarrassing to say such things yourself? You’re arrogant because you have a man backing you up. What is this?”

Go Yohan’s way of speaking, which pokes at the other person between logic and illogic, is quite unpleasant. He has a knack for making people look ridiculous. If I think he’s on my side, I feel reassured, and if I think I’m being attacked, I feel a little dizzy. Han Jun-woo had a face like crumpled newspaper.

When I think about it, Han Jun-woo is also very despicable. He’s been poking at me so much since before, but he doesn’t say anything to Go Yohan. Is it because he’s a dog that’s been stepped on once? Or is it because Go Yohan has a secret about his teeth?

I have the same weaknesses, though. Could it be that he didn’t think Go Yohan would even tell me? I frowned and looked at Han Jun-woo, and our eyes met. That pride of his wouldn’t go far. Han Jun-woo finally counterattacked with sarcasm.

“I guess my thoughts were right.”

“I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not true. Go Yohan said so too.”

I reflexively clenched my teeth and answered.

Han Jun-woo keeps pissing me off. Fuck. I keep telling him not to mix me and Go Yohan in such dirty relationships. What if Go Yohan suspects me because of that? I don’t want to be dragged down from this pyramid like you. I need to walk only the smooth road at the highest point, you son of a bitch.

“What’s the point of just saying you’re not? The way you guys act is like you’re stuck together.”

“Ah, I hear the sound of someone without money. The sound of a beggar.”

Go Yohan raised his hand that was around my shoulder and poked Han Jun-woo’s shoulder hard with his finger. Han Jun-woo’s body, pushed by Go Yohan’s finger, staggered slightly. Beggar. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Whether we’re close or not, loser, mind your own business. Worry about your dad in jail. Please. Okay?”

“Go Yohan, watch your mouth. I might kill you.”

“Please grow up. How many tears do you think your dad is shedding while eating cold prison food? He has no money. He has a son, but it’s as good as not having one. Your life is fucked. Seriously.”

“……Do you really want to die?”

The ease disappeared from Han Jun-woo’s face. Go Yohan openly sneered and looked down at Han Jun-woo.

“What are you talking about, after getting your ass beat by me?”

“Pfft!”

The sight was so funny. I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. I hurriedly covered my mouth with my pale hand and looked up at Han Jun-woo, but I couldn’t stop laughing. The sight of his face turning red and blue was so amusing. The laughter I barely suppressed crawled out between my lips again.

“……”

Han Jun-woo seems to be getting more angry as I keep glancing at him while unable to stop laughing. Knowing that it’s better not to provoke him further, I struggled to close my mouth and pulled on Go Yohan’s clothes. Then I pointed to the road with my head. Go Yohan, who understood the meaning perfectly, waved his hand.

“Okay, take care of your remaining filial duties. We’re leaving now.”

“Hey. Go Yohan!”

“Yes. This is Go Yohan.”

The way he was sarcastic to the end was so funny. But I thought a fight would break out if I laughed here, so I desperately held back my laughter.

“Hey. Let’s just ignore him and go.”

At my words, Go Yohan smiled, raising the corner of his mouth, and patted my arm with his hand. I heard the sound of Go Yohan and my name being cursed lowly from behind, but what’s so scary about the barking of a dog that lost in a fight? It’s just funny.

I suddenly turned around and looked at Han Jun-woo. His eyes, which I thought were languid, were glaring at us with inferiority. Unable to rush at us, just trembling with his fists clenched.

Han Jun-woo, whose Father went to jail. Han Jun-woo, who became a beggar in an instant. Han Jun-woo, who is bullied in class. His situation was so funny that I smiled slightly. I took the beggar, whom I no longer needed to see, out of my sight and slowly turned my head to look straight ahead. It’s exhilarating. Han Jun-woo. You’re finally cursed.

Go Yohan sometimes takes my side. His erratic personality makes me wary, but it’s thanks to Go Yohan that I wasn’t abandoned for being in Han Jun-woo’s group. So, this isn’t rationalization, but I should definitely express my gratitude to Go Yohan. That’s Moral obligation. For that reason, I spoke to Go Yohan as soon as we left the school alley.

“Oh, are you eating lunch at home?”

“I guess I have to.”

But Go Yohan’s expression isn’t very good. Does he not want to go home?

I suddenly remembered the moment when Go Yohan said he hated his Father. Why does Go Yohan hate his Father? The thought was short. It was because I concluded that it wasn’t important to me. Instead, I decided to show Go Yohan a little generosity. The feeling of showing generosity was strangely light. My voice floated up on its own.

“Then do you want to eat at my house?”

“Your house?”

“I’ll ask Auntie to make tteokbokki. Auntie’s tteokbokki at my house is really good.”

“Oh-, tteokbokki.”

Go Yohan’s arm touches my neck even closer. I looked at Go Yohan with slightly expectant eyes. Go Yohan smiled brightly, as if he hadn’t had a bad expression at all.

“Okay.”

I smiled back as a thank you. The small commotion that happened earlier was buried as a small past for us. Han Jun-woo’s unsightly figure became the subject of our teasing throughout the tteokbokki meal.

After finishing lunch, we played in my room. We say we played, but we just lay down and shared pointless stories. A different feeling tormented me than when I first brought Go Yohan into my room. I definitely used Go Yohan as a side dish there. I felt a strange heat in my lower abdomen and a guilty conscience. I didn’t even glance at the tissues neatly placed on the desk.

I took out my English vocabulary book, and Go Yohan took out a comic book from his bag. When I asked what comic book it was, Go Yohan showed me the cover.

‘Faraway Countries, Neighboring Countries.’

“I’m going to study world history.”

“……Okay. Work hard.”

Go Yohan smiled brightly and nodded vigorously. I blankly looked at Go Yohan’s smile, and only after realizing that Go Yohan had opened the comic book and was reading it a long time ago, I hurriedly turned my head.

What am I really doing?

I shook my head and sat down below the sofa. Then Go Yohan lay down on the sofa. We often had short conversations, making it seem meaningless to say we were studying. Go Yohan started first, and I continued the conversation.

The occasional silence that broke the conversation made me dizzy. When Go Yohan didn’t continue the conversation, I spent time worrying about what to say.

Our conversation topics were the same as those of other high school students. Grades. Annoying stories. And stories about guys like Lee Seok-hyun or Kim Min-ho. The story always ended with, ‘How are those guys even going to make a living?’ I can’t understand it either. If your family is poor, shouldn’t you study and find a way to live? If you’re lucky enough to get into a good school by lottery, shouldn’t you be grateful for that luck? To me, the mindset of ‘Let’s just enjoy life right now’ was strange.

“I really don’t understand.”

Go Yohan said the same thing as I thought. I answered without hesitation.

“Me too.”

I turned my body, which was leaning on the sofa. Then I saw Go Yohan’s high nose bridge, lying on the sofa. Unlike Han Jun-woo, whose nose was slightly rounded at the end, Go Yohan’s was sharply pointed. I swallowed unnaturally. I moistened my dry mouth and continued.

“Do you… do you know? Kim Min-ho has six younger siblings.”

“That’s a lot.”

“He said he might not be able to go to college because of his siblings. He said it’s hard to pay back student loans, too.”

“Anyway, it’s better not to go to college with that head. What’s the point of throwing money away?”

“Well, he lives in that neighborhood, too.”

What I said was the neighborhood on the opposite side of where I live. Go Yohan pretended to be surprised. He only pretended to be surprised, his eyes and hands turning the page were peaceful.

“It’s pitiful.”

“Yeah. It’s pitiful.”

This word ‘pitiful’ doesn’t mean I’m going to help. It just means that there’s a sample around that you should never emulate, and I’ll never be like that.

The conversation stopped again after Go Yohan’s words. I turned my body back and memorized the English words on the table. While reading the words with my eyes, I thought about what to say next in my head. I have nothing more to say. It’s hard to bear this silence.

But I’m also afraid that if I take the lead and continue the conversation again, I’ll look too pathetic. It’ll look like I’m too obsessed with this relationship. When I had that thought, I thought it would be better to just keep my mouth shut.

But the truth is, it’s hard to bear.

I could hear the clock ticking and the sound of pages turning. What should I say, should I just lightly suggest eating a snack? What kind of expression does he have right now? My consciousness flows. It was the moment when I, who couldn’t bear the silence, was about to speak.

“Jun-ah.”

I hurriedly closed the mouth I was about to open. And I pretended to be focused on studying and answered.

“Yeah?”

“I hope you and I are in the same class next year.”

What is he saying? I turned my body and looked at Go Yohan. Go Yohan had already put the book on his chest and was looking at the ceiling. I suppressed my trembling voice and answered. A strange expectation surged.

“Me, me too.”

“Without Han Jun-woo, Han Tae-san, Lee Seok-hyun, Kim Min-ho, Kim Seok-min, anyway, without those losers, just you and me. And without An Jisu and people like that.”

What’s wrong with him? The corners of my mouth twitched for no reason. I almost liked it too much. I lowered my head to hide the rising emotions. I ran my cold hand over my neck.

“……If there’s no An Jisu, it’d be nice to be number one in the class, too.”

“You were number one even with An Jisu.”

“I think I was lucky.”

“No. It’s skill.”

“I’m grateful that you say that, even if it’s just words.”

Go Yohan chuckled while still looking at the ceiling. Go Yohan has a way of subtly praising me. It was the same when I first met Go Yohan. Go Yohan was subtly generous to me. He must have liked exemplary and studious kids. When you look at it, Go Yohan is also a great old-fashioned person. That old man tapped the book on his chest and said.

“Thank you?”

Go Yohan turned his body slightly. Go Yohan, who was lying sideways on the sofa, propped his head up with his arm. Go Yohan’s narrow eyes were staring at me quietly. It was the same feeling as when I first saw Go Yohan in the first year of high school. It was like snake eyes.

“……Y-yeah.”

“Then does that mean you like me?”

“Huh?”

What is he really saying? Why does the word ‘thank you’ become ‘I like you’? My heart was pounding because of the sudden leap in logic. His narrow eyes, high nose, and gloomy face all stimulated me.

Yeah. I like you. I almost blurted it out without realizing it.

Only then did my head cool down. The worries that had been festering all along finally found an answer at that moment. I couldn’t control my spinning vision. At the same time, despair came. I tried to smile as naturally as possible and opened my mouth.

“Of course. We’re friends.”

“Ah, friends.”

At my words, Go Yohan just smiled silently. And he picked up the book that was on his chest again and read it. The story we just had passed by like a really ordinary conversation. The conversations that followed were roughly the same. The only thing that wasn’t ordinary was me. Not a single page of the workbook was turned.

We talked about nothing much like that and even ate dinner. After dinner, Go Yohan said he should go home soon and picked up his bag. I hurriedly got up and said.

“Are you going now?”

“Yeah.”

Go Yohan answered while checking his phone screen. I felt uncomfortable with the slightly insincere answer. When I realized the reality of that emotion, my head throbbed and ached. I just wanted to escape from this situation. I stroked my forehead, which was getting hot, and continued.

“Okay, bye.”

“What.”

But the answer he gave while putting his phone in his pocket was full of dissatisfaction.

“Aren’t you wearing a coat?”

“……Why would I wear a coat?”

“You have to take me home.”

“Why do guys take each other home? You live near here anyway.”

“……Near?”

The excuse I made sounded plausible. At least it did to me. I scratched my neck, which wasn’t even itchy, and looked only at the floor. Then Go Yohan was silent for a long time before bursting into a hollow laugh.

“Don’t ever say you’re my friend anywhere.”

“……Huh?”

It’s a strange thing to say at this timing. I said, flaring up for a moment.

“What’s with not even taking me home that makes you say I can’t be your friend?”

“Isn’t it that you’re too uninterested in me for a friend?”

Go Yohan raised one eyebrow and tilted his head. It’s really absurd.

“……Like is bullshit.”

Hearing the low voice that spread out quietly, I retorted with half a feeling of resentment and half a feeling of guilt. It was because Go Yohan’s small voice felt like it was criticizing me.

“Why? Is not taking you home all it takes to be uninterested?”

“That’s not it, but you’re definitely uninterested in me.”

“I’m not.”

“Really? But what kind of idiot doesn’t even know that his friend lives next door.”

……What?

My mind went blank for a moment. I reflexively raised my head and looked at Go Yohan’s face. The corners of his mouth, which were raised diagonally, were sneering at me. It was such an ambiguous expression that I didn’t even know if he was really smiling. Go Yohan’s light laughter brushed past my ears and disappeared quietly somewhere.

“I did lie a little for fun, but isn’t it too much to not know until now?”

While Go Yohan left like that, I was foolishly lost in confusion. After Go Yohan left, I fell into a swamp of endless questions. Next door? Go Yohan lives next door? Did he know about the commotion that I, Han Jun-woo, and Han Tae-san had caused? Could it be that Go Yohan was the one who closed the window?

Now that I think about it, Go Yohan made excuses and went back every time we walked home together, and I never ran into him when going to school. So the fact that we never met on the street even once is a very intentional result. Go Yohan has been lying for two years just for fun.

Fun, but what fun? What kind of fun?

It was a moment when my head was full of confusion. I, who was a thief with a guilty conscience, gave meaning to every word Go Yohan had said as usual. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any plausible meaning. It was because Go Yohan was always the type to act without giving any particular meaning. I fell into a swamp of more painful worries.

That’s how a week passed.

“Why do I have to wake up early even though it’s vacation?”

Go Yohan is lamenting while reading a comic book called ‘500 Years of the Joseon Dynasty in Comics’ during break time. I heard that he’s studying Korean history this time. His excuses are really good.

After dropping a huge bomb, Go Yohan acted like nothing had happened. I’m not in a position to argue with or get angry at Go Yohan, so I had to keep my curiosity to myself.

“If you wanted to sleep in, then you shouldn’t have done supplementary classes.”

“What are you talking about. Supplementary classes are a student’s duty.”

“I guess your friends aren’t students.”

Go Yohan frowned and shook his head.

“How many times do I have to say it for you to understand? Those losers in life aren’t my friends.”

Is he really being serious? I don’t know Go Yohan’s true feelings, who openly puts down the kids he played with for a year in the classroom where everyone can hear.

If it’s a joke, it can be seen as Go Yohan’s unique malicious joke, but if he’s serious, I think it’s amazing. He’s really indifferent. He really seemed like a kid who had never come down from the top of the pyramid.

“Then are you going to cut off contact with everyone after graduation?”

“Graduation?”

Go Yohan glanced at the phone on the desk and snorted.

“Have you ever seen me contact the guys I played with in the first grade?”

“How would I know the kids you played with in the first grade.”

It’s true that I feel guilty. Go Yohan in the first grade was someone outside of my interest. I knew nothing about Go Yohan at that time. I only knew the rumors I heard through others.

“Wow, really……”

The smile completely disappeared from Go Yohan’s face, which had been smiling brightly until just now.

“You’re really too much. You.”

Is he being serious or joking? Does he really think I’m being too much? I realized now that Go Yohan would be really good if he became an actor. I think it would be his calling. Go Yohan’s eyes were really wavering with disappointment and sadness.

“We weren’t close. Back then.”

I hurriedly made an excuse. Go Yohan tilted his head and looked down at me quietly. The gaze of his motionless eyes brought out more guilt for no reason.

“……”

“……”

Is that sadness real? Could that gaze be contempt? Is it scorn? I couldn’t bear to meet Go Yohan’s persistent gaze for long. I lowered my head slightly as if avoiding it. A Rosary dangled from Go Yohan’s wrist, which was hanging on the chair. Go Yohan is a devout Catholic. And he hates gays.

Then Go Yohan might not be the witness of the dawn. He’s not the type to take a friend who doesn’t meet his standards. Then is it Go Yohan’s sibling or parent? I’d rather it be a sibling. If I think that Go Yohan’s Father, whom I saw a while ago, saw that scene, it’s also embarrassing enough to make me want to die. But it’s better than Go Yohan.

Or maybe he’s thinking of me as a card to throw away someday. Like Go Yohan said, if we’re in different classes in the third grade, we might cut off contact right away. I’ll be ignored even if we pass each other in the hallway. If he bothers to come to the class and talk to me, he’ll accept my greetings but treat me like a transparent person. My palms were sweaty. I feel suffocated by the dark future.

What if Go Yohan spreads rumors? Now that it’s not Go Yohan, there’s no Shield to protect me. If rumors spread, should I transfer schools right away? At this awkward time in senior year?

I’m scared. I couldn’t even lift my head to look at Go Yohan. If what Han Jun-woo babbled about me was like the barking of a fallen dog, what Go Yohan would say would be the sharp speculation and discovery of a powerful person. Even if there’s no evidence, if I’m the subject, it’ll spread as a joke.

Especially if Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan both say Kang Jun is gay? My life will be truly hopeless trash, a laughingstock. I absolutely don’t want that to happen.

“……Sorry. Did I make you feel bad?”

I had to survive. So, I offered a pathetic apology.

“Is ‘sorry’ enough?”

I can’t read his expression, so I don’t know what his intention was with this rebuke. But I still couldn’t lift my head. I just stared at the legs in front of me. The legs, spread wide to either side, were long enough to cross into my space. Now, I can’t even dare to look at Go Yohan’s hands. It’s because I’m afraid the Rosary hidden under my uniform will be seen. I was gradually sinking into an invisible mental terror.

“……Is there anything you want?”

“I have a lot of money. My family is richer than yours.”

“……”

Well, Go Yohan must have lived his life getting everything he wanted.

“You know, instead of something I want, there’s something I want you to do for me.”

“……What is it?”

To become the class’s laughingstock like Han Jun-woo? Or to become invisible like your friends? My gaze lowered further, reaching Go Yohan’s toes. Go Yohan, with his long legs. Before I knew it, his long legs had come under my chair.

In an instant, cold fingers touched under my chin. The cool hand lifted my head. My gaze, raised by Go Yohan, intertwined with Go Yohan’s gaze.

“Look at me.”

“……Huh?”

“It’s so obvious you’re thinking about other things, it’s like I don’t even know who I’m talking to.”

Go Yohan’s eyes, as they met mine, smiled kindly. The small pupils between the curved eyes weren’t so kind, though. My lower abdomen tingled at that face. Damn it. As I stared blankly at Go Yohan’s face, the bell rang, signaling the start of class.

I had to make an excuse and leave the classroom during class. Damn it.

“Seriously, you crazy son of a bitch…… You pathetic, hopeless idiot……”

I abused myself, hitting my forehead with my fist. Even while waiting for the heat to subside in the corner of the bathroom, and even when I returned to the classroom and listened to the lesson, I couldn’t stop thinking about Go Yohan.

I want to run away, but I can’t. The reason is that Go Yohan is next to me. When class ends, Go Yohan can see me just by tilting his head once. Go Yohan, stretching out with a big yawn, lifted his head and looked down at me. He just looked down.

“……Why?”

I asked because he was just staring and not saying anything. Go Yohan sometimes does things that are so burdensome.

“What.”

“It’s burdensome. Don’t look.”

“Yes. I understand.”

Go Yohan lowered his head deeply while sitting. It was a playful action. He’s joking around with me like this now, but still. Does he even think of me as a friend?

After all, Go Yohan and Han Jun-woo are different. Han Jun-woo was too simple, while Go Yohan was too complicated. If it’s an answer that won’t come out no matter how much I rack my brain, thinking is a waste of time. I straightened my back and asked Go Yohan, who was stretching, directly. But still, within a line that’s as not weird as possible.

“Then, if you’re not in the same class as me……”

Go Yohan filled his mouth with air and widened his eyes. He wiggles his eyebrows. It means to keep talking.

“Will you cut off contact with me too?”

“Puh-ha.”

Will you abandon me? A sound like air rushing out of a balloon pricked by a needle came out. From Go Yohan’s mouth. Go Yohan laughed. As if he was dumbfounded.

“You’re thinking all sorts of things.”

“What?”

“It means you’re having useless thoughts.”

Go Yohan pouted.

“And if anyone’s cutting off contact, it’ll be you cutting off contact with me.”

What? That’s ridiculous. I was about to refute it firmly, but I remembered my pride. Right. Go Yohan is right. He pretends not to be, but Go Yohan is smart. That’s for sure. That’s why I’m trying to read Go Yohan’s mind right now. If Go Yohan knows my true identity and is thinking of me as a card to discard, I was watching his mood to run away first.

If Go Yohan doesn’t know my true identity and we really end up in the same class, we’ll continue to be good friends on the surface, and manage the rotting emotions inside until graduation.

When we graduate, I’ll use college as an excuse to cut off contact. Because I won’t be able to be with Go Yohan, who keeps reminding me that I like men. If we end up in different classes, I won’t be able to stand Go Yohan ignoring me, so I’ll cry every night and cut off contact first.

“I guess, you’re right about that.”

I agreed because it was the right thing to say. But Go Yohan’s face contorted.

“……Shit.”

I was flustered and gently grabbed Go Yohan’s arm. Then, Go Yohan roughly brushed my hand away. Go Yohan was sulking again. He glared at me with those slender eyes, and then flopped down on the desk. Go Yohan, burying his head in his arms, mumbled.

“What’s wrong?”

“Don’t talk to me.”

His waist, curved low because of the prone position, was clearly exposed. Hey, Go Yohan. The attempt to speak unfortunately ended in failure. The bell rang again, signaling the start of class.

“Wake Yohan over there.”

The Korean Language Teacher, who scanned the classroom as soon as he came in, said to me. Only then did I have a justification to put my hand on Go Yohan’s back, and I slowly placed my hand on that broad back. When my hand touched near his shoulder blade, I felt a slight twitch. He’s awake. I leaned in slightly and whispered.

“Go Yohan. Teacher wants you to wake up.”

But there’s no response. The Korean Language Teacher hates it so much when people sleep during his class. I was worried that Go Yohan would be hated for no reason. Still, it’s Go Yohan’s weakest subject. I shook his back harder. I moved closer to his ear, in case he couldn’t hear.

“Yohan. Are you asleep?”

Instantly, Go Yohan’s body trembled. Go Yohan raised his body like a tumbler. Because of that sudden movement, my hand, which had been flung away, lingered in the air in an awkward position. Go Yohan, who had gotten up, raised both hands and covered his ears. Go Yohan, who rubbed both ears hard with both palms, slowly lowered his hands. Ahem. Go Yohan, who cleared his throat alone, said quietly.

“No, I’m not sleeping.”

Perhaps because he suddenly stroked his ears, Go Yohan’s ears were bright red. Did I whisper too close, making it too gross? I was embarrassed by Go Yohan’s sensitive reaction and fiddled with my fingers.

It was a particularly sleepy class. The stuffy air in the classroom, due to the heater being turned up high in the cold winter, brought a lot of sleepiness. I covered my mouth and yawned softly. They say yawning is contagious. I heard Go Yohan yawning next to me. To wake myself up, I took out a candy from my bag, and after hearing Go Yohan’s yawn, I grabbed one more.

With my body facing forward, I only stretched out my hand and placed the candy on Go Yohan’s desk. As if to show off. I could see Go Yohan moving busily in the blurry side view. Soon after, he chews the candy. There was a crunching sound. In response, I also put a candy on my tongue. A refreshing taste spread.

“What, it’s lime flavored.”

At those words, my lips turned upward. He accepted my apology. I felt so good about that that I nodded slightly. I didn’t know, but when I ate it, it was. Go Yohan, who was looking at me, leaned over.

“Thanks for the candy.”

Then, he quickly straightened his back. The sight of him staring at the blackboard as if he had been concentrating hard until just now was clearly etched in my eyes.

His efforts were commendable, so it was enough to wake him up, but in the end, Go Yohan fell asleep as soon as break time came. The Korean Language Teacher always repeats the same pattern of problems, so it’s impossible not to fall asleep. It must have been even more difficult for Go Yohan, who is bad at Korean.

The heater is turned up high, but since it’s by the window, a little cold wind came in. Go Yohan, who fell asleep wearing only his uniform, looked strangely cold. Is it because he was born looking cold? Still, it’s better to be hot than cold. Just in case, I covered Go Yohan’s back, who was asleep, with my padding jacket. What caught my eye then was Go Yohan’s cell phone.

Go Yohan, who fell asleep, and his cell phone.

There are times when people are overwhelmed by a ‘feeling that it just has to be that way’ for no reason. They call it intuition. In fact, some people say that it’s not just for no reason, but a warning from the subconscious. That the countless experiences experienced in life present dangerous situations or solutions to entangled problems without logic. Maybe this is that situation.

I swallowed hard.

The hesitating hand moved slowly. I tried my best not to make any noise. I even stopped breathing. I glanced around. It seemed that most people had failed to avoid the storm of sleepiness caused by the Korean Language Teacher. The classroom was quiet, and no one was watching me. I looked at Go Yohan’s hand on the desk. His defenseless fingers sticking out over the desk caught my eye. I reached out and put Go Yohan’s thumb on the button. Slowly. So that Go Yohan doesn’t wake up.

The screen shook. The fingerprint didn’t match. Damn it. I slightly took the cell phone away.

“Umm……”

Go Yohan’s body moved slightly. In response, I also waited with a stiff body for Go Yohan to fall back into a deep sleep. Go Yohan, who made a few groaning sounds, became quiet again. I let out a small sigh. Annoyingly, I had to twist my body slightly because of the changed posture. This time, I gently pressed my index finger. I moved calmly so that my skin wouldn’t touch as much as possible.

Please. Please let it work.

All my nerves were directed towards the fingertips that were barely touching. I hoped and hoped that those fingers wouldn’t move. And finally, the gray screen blurred and turned into a bright screen. I clenched my fist slightly. I hurriedly took a step back and moved away from Go Yohan. First, I wondered what I should check, then I looked at the clock.

“……Damn it.”

There were 4 minutes left until the bell rang. I found the most optimal method I could do now. I quickly went into settings. My hand hurriedly searched for lock settings. I looked up and looked at the clock. There were 3 minutes left. I quickly tapped my finger on the screen. Quickly. Quickly.

That’s how I registered my fingerprint in Go Yohan’s cell phone fingerprint list. As soon as I confirmed that a new fingerprint was registered on the screen, I deleted all access records and turned off the screen. Quietly, but quickly, I put the cell phone back in its original place.

Anyway, I wasn’t even sure if there was anything there. It was just an action I committed just in case. If I want to look at the cell phone, a better opportunity will come next time. This is enough for now.