By Zephyria 
It was a weekend right before winter vacation. The cold air surged through the atmosphere, as if it were about to snow. After tutoring, I thought about going to a bookstore with the remaining evening hours, but I happened to see an unfamiliar steeple. It was definitely a building that had been there even before I lived here, but it only caught my eye now. I headed towards the steeple as if possessed.
The cathedral, of which only one was said to be built in each district, was large and ornate. The white plaster statue at the entrance had a refined woman’s face. The cathedral, built of maroon bricks, was quiet.
I carefully approached the largest building and pushed the door, which seemed twice as big as me. And through the opened door, I saw dozens of heads neatly tilted forward before my eyes.
“The Lord be with you.”
“And also with the priest.”
People lightly tapped their foreheads with their fingers slowly. The light gesture continued, tapping the center of the chest, then the left shoulder, and the right shoulder, before bringing both hands together. The orange light that had passed through the stained glass was illuminating the floor.
The white cloths placed between the black hair caught my eye. The majestic sound of music, whether it was an organ or something else, filled the space. I was startled by the sound.
It doesn’t seem like this is where I should be. And the timing, of all things. Why did I come when it’s so crowded? My face naturally heats up. Embarrassment rises to the top of my head. I pulled the door to get out of here, but my luck wasn’t so good today either.
“Oh.”
“Ah, I’m, I’m sorry.”
“No. It’s alright.”
Because I suddenly pulled the door, a middle-aged man who was pushing the door from the other side lost his balance and staggered for a moment. Unable to hide my embarrassment, I grabbed the man’s arm.
Fortunately, the man had a huge physique that didn’t look middle-aged, and I felt firm skin over the slightly thick and luxurious fabric on the arm I grabbed. If I hadn’t seen the traces of time wrinkled around his eyes while grabbing the man, I might have seen this person as being in his late thirties at least.
“…….”
The man lightly grabbed my hand that was holding his arm. I could feel the grip in the gesture of grasping my hand and lightly removing it. He seemed to be a person with a lot of strength to begin with. His unusually strong and large hand released my hand as if throwing it, like the claw of a crane game machine in an arcade.
Feeling strange, I fiddled with the hand that had been grabbed. When I raised my head and looked at his face, his gaze was chilling as he looked down at me. It wasn’t exactly a gaze that hated or despised me. It was exactly that kind of gaze. A feeling of looking at an inanimate object with no interest or curiosity. The man, who had scanned me with just that level of gaze, casually threw out a routine question that he could ask anyone.
“Are you a student here? I haven’t seen you before.”
“Ah, just.”
“Just?”
“I live near here…….”
“Near here?”
The man’s slender eyes widened slightly. I smiled awkwardly. Well, even if it’s called this neighborhood, there are only a few houses where people live. It was a neighborhood with few residents, perhaps because the houses were large compared to the size of the neighborhood. Judging from the man’s attire and tone, it seemed that he also lived in this neighborhood.
“Uh, that’s. The brown-roofed house. In the second alley…….”
“The brown-roofed house in the second alley? Could it be SE Global?”
This time, his widened eyes curved prettily into a crescent shape. The chilling gaze softened, and the indifferent gaze turned into warm interest. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end at the change. How could he change so drastically? I nodded, afraid that a metallic sound might come out if I opened my mouth.
“You’re Chairman Kang’s son.”
“Yes? Yes. Hello.”
“Yes. I’ve heard a lot about you coming and going. They say you’re good at studying?”
“I do just enough not to be lacking.”
“So. What’s your rank in the whole school?”
He said he heard it coming and going? Where on earth? I was going to pass by with a casual greeting after being moderately humble, but what’s with the mentality of asking for my rank so openly?
The man takes off the black leather gloves he was wearing on his hand while waiting for my answer. A simple silver ring was visible between his unusually long fingers. The gloves were hung on the pocket of his long coat. It seems he’s planning to have a serious conversation with me. I put a little strength on my lips and smiled slyly.
“First place.”
The corners of the man’s eyes curved until his pupils were about to disappear. What’s so pleasing about my words? The man slowly rubbed his hands together, and his long lips rose in a parabola. He was a sophisticated middle-aged man, even with the wrinkles on the corners of his mouth.
“I heard you were amazing, but you really are.”
“Thank you.”
“Yes. First place in the whole school is just enough not to be lacking for you.”
His words are slightly grating. Is he being sarcastic? But even when I raise my head again after bowing in gratitude, all I see is a look of overflowing warm interest.
“That means you’re focusing more on your national ranking than your school ranking, right?”
Huh? Why is the conversation jumping there?
“Well, it’s just a school that only has a good location, and even commoners can get in. The real competition is with the Autonomous Private High School and Special Purpose High School kids.”
“……Yes.”
“My son is also going to the same school as you. He’s so bad at studying. I’ve given up on him a long time ago.”
“…….”
“How nice would it be if you were my son. Smart. Ambitious. Handsome…….”
The man lightly stroked my cheek with the back of his hand.
“This is the first time I’ve ever envied Chairman Kang so much.”
“Ah……. Thank you.”
“Other kids are studying to the point of bleeding even on weekends to get first place once. But you’re even coming to church like this. That’s admirable.”
“No. I just happened to see the church while passing by, so I stopped by.”
The man smiled even brighter at my words.
“Are you interested in Catholicism?”
“Yes? Yes, a little.”
It was an answer I gave reflexively, as always. The man seemed to like that very much. That was evident in his softened expression.
“Yes……. I see.”
The man’s cool hand stroked my cheek more gently.
“Take care. I hope to see you often.”
The middle-aged man who said that tapped my cheek that he had been stroking. The hardened flesh due to age felt rough on my skin. The man took out the gloves he had hung on his pocket. I quickly lowered my head.
“Goodbye.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
The man, who received my greeting with just a wave of his hand, entered the crowd with a strange atmosphere. He must have blended into one of those black heads. I scratched the back of my neck. It wasn’t any particular feeling, but I just thought he resembled someone. I just felt itchy at that thought. I can’t quite remember who it is.
As I left the cathedral, I looked at the sky. White snow was falling heavily in the sky, which had already turned black. I could see the scattered snowflakes under the orange streetlight. The night had become shorter. It was the beginning of winter.
The moment I entered the house, I was startled by the sudden burst of small firecrackers. The Auntie was holding a large cake, and my mother was holding firecrackers with gray smoke puffing out.
“My beloved son, Father congratulates you on getting first place.”
“What did Mom say? I told you not to get too stressed, right? I knew our Jun would be able to do it.”
“How could you have grown up so well? We haven’t done anything for you. You’re so admirable.”
Father lightly pinched my cheek. It was the same direction that middle-aged man had stroked earlier. I suddenly realize that the middle-aged man’s skin felt like this. Father stroked my back, which was awkwardly standing in the entrance, and let me inside. Mother told the Auntie to hold the cake higher.
“Son, what are you doing? Blow out the candles quickly.”
“Ah, yes. Okay.”
I walked awkwardly and stood in front of the Auntie. I saw nineteen candles. Nineteen? At that moment, I realized that this cake wasn’t just taken out to celebrate my grades.
I gently breathed out. The flames quietly died down. Mother and Father clapped their hands at the same time as the candles went out. Because of that sound, the lights in the entrance turned on and off noisily, repeatedly. I laughed because the sight was funny.
“Our son. Let’s eat quickly. Dinner’s all ready. Auntie. You’ve finished boiling the seaweed soup, right?”
“Yes. Ma’am. Shall I take it out now?”
“Set it up quickly. Our son might be hungry. You’ve prepared the other side dishes well, right?”
“Yes.”
Her actions were the opposite of her urging tone. That’s because Mother was pulling out the candles from the cake with slow gestures. If she’s pulling out the candles like that, she can’t leave the cake, can she?
But it probably wasn’t an intentional action. Because she’s not that bad of a person. It’s just that she’s not very perceptive when it comes to housework. The Auntie, who knows that, just waited quietly.
There’s no helping it. I decided to kindly offer my help. Because it’s a good day anyway.
“No, you can take your time preparing. I’ll be down after putting my luggage in my room anyway.”
“Really? Honey. Then you should cut the cake nicely so we can eat it for dessert. Please, Auntie.”
Mother said, placing the candles she had pulled out on the corner of the cake. Only then could the Auntie take the cake to the kitchen. The Auntie said as she turned to the kitchen.
“You’re blessed with a son.”
My parents smiled brightly, as if they were very pleased with those words.
Even during the meal, my parents said that they had to go back overseas tomorrow. I nodded without any emotion. I knew it just by looking at the seaweed soup and the nineteen candles. I knew it would be like that.
It was something that happened every time anyway, so it’s not even new. Rather, it was more awkward when my parents were at home. But perhaps my composed attitude stimulated my parents’ guilt even more, they comforted me in a very apologetic tone.
“I was going to be with you for your birthday and the end of the year at least, but that’s just how company work is.”
“Yes. Father has to work hard to maintain this company robustly and pass it on to our son.”
“I’m okay.”
I answered, scraping the rice with a spoon.
“There’s a time for everything. Now is the time when work is more important than family. You don’t have to worry.”
“Wow, I really raised a good son.”
“Then is there anything our son wants? Just say it. Father and Mother will buy it all for you. You can even take your friends out and buy them whatever you want. You have the card Mom gave you, right?”
“Yes.”
Actually, I’m uncomfortable with my parents’ attitude. They don’t always celebrate my birthday, but they’re always sorry. From the beginning, I didn’t expect to spend my birthday, the end of the year, or the beginning of the year with my parents. Since I was young, I never had the desire to be with my parents no matter what. I also thought it was unsightly to cling to a future that wouldn’t change anyway, so I never threw a tantrum.
“I will.”
“Don’t meet strange friends. Our son’s status will drop.”
I nodded. Then, I suddenly thought of the middle-aged man who had been ignoring his son. Come to think of it, that’s right. Then would that man’s son also be included in the category of ‘strange friends who lower your status’?
Just listening to the words, it was an image that reminded me of Han Jun-woo. Rich and bad at studying. I’m sure there are more than one or two kids like that in our school, but my parents hated Han Jun-woo. So it was natural that I brought up the man who pretended to know my father.
“Mother, Father. Do you happen to know a very tall, sharply featured, white-haired man? He lives in this neighborhood and wears a long coat.”
“There are more than one or two people like that in this neighborhood?”
“He also goes to church…….”
“Church?”
Father suddenly made a face as if he had remembered something.
“Ah, could it be that person?”
“Who?”
Mother asked, stretching her neck out of curiosity.
“Why. Youngsung Group.”
“Ah. Ah! That person? I know him.”
“……Youngsung?”
“Yes, Youngsung. But why that person?”
“……Ah, actually, I met him in front of the church today. He said he heard about me from Father.”
“Did I talk to Chairman Go that much?”
“Chairman Go?”
I felt a strange feeling of small puzzles gathering in my head. I recalled the middle-aged man’s face again. That appearance that had been strangely eye-catching. An unfamiliar appearance. Tall height. Catholic. I swallowed hard.
Go.
“Chairman Go Sang-wook. Right?”
I dropped the spoon I was holding on the table without realizing it. The small puzzles were neatly assembled, and the primordial picture that the puzzle had was recalled. Who I was reminded of from the depths of my thoughts when I saw that middle-aged man. Why I felt a strange sense of déjà vu at the touch of stroking that cheek. The puzzle told me.
“Does his son happen to be named Go Yohan?”
My parents thought for a moment and then said this.
“Well. I’ve never heard him talk about his children, so I don’t know his name.”
From evening to morning, I only thought about going to school. I could have contacted him on my phone right away, but strangely, I didn’t want to. There’s no particular reason. I just had the thought that I had found a topic to talk to him about.
When I left the front gate of my house in the morning, I looked around the street for no reason.
What if I meet Go Yohan like this. I laughed for a long time for some reason.
But unfortunately, I didn’t meet Go Yohan on the street. As expected, Go Yohan had gone to school early and was dozing off. I sat down with a heart that was getting more and more excited and poked Go Yohan’s shoulder.
“Why.”
His voice, which echoed as it hit the desk, was full of annoyance. Why is he so annoyed? Even though I was pouting with dissatisfaction, I decided to understand his annoyance because my heart was full of wanting to talk to Go Yohan, who I had made up with yesterday. And as intended, I proudly said the information I had learned yesterday.
“Hey. Go Yohan. You live in my neighborhood, right?”
“Huh?”
Go Yohan suddenly raises his head.
“Your house is really rich, huh?”
When he raised his head, I could see a lollipop in his mouth. That white stick kept catching my eye for some reason. I scratched near my chest for no reason. Go Yohan, who had been thinking for a moment while rolling his eyes, frowned and let out a hollow laugh, and then laughed loudly as if he couldn’t hold back.
“Haha, hahahaha!”
Now he’s even bending over backwards while laughing. Sharp white Canine Tooth were visible in his widely opened mouth. Go Yohan chuckled until he shed tears.
“Did you only realize it now? That my house is incredibly rich.”
Go Yohan said, wiping the tears from his eyes. His tone was full of playfulness. Only then did I realize. This bastard. He didn’t say it on purpose. He deliberately kept his mouth shut.
“I was wondering when you would notice.”
“Are you kidding me……. You didn’t tell me on purpose?”
“It’s not that I didn’t tell you, it’s your fault. You’re not interested in me.”
“It’s okay now that I know.”
“It’s too late.”
Thud. I could hear the sound of a small lollipop turning in Go Yohan’s mouth.
“I wasn’t going to let you off if it was any later.”
“What are you going to let me off from?”
“……There’s something like that.”
Go Yohan winked one eye. I shook my head. Go Yohan is a truly incomprehensible guy. I think back to the middle-aged man from yesterday. That serious appearance of the middle-aged man. It feels strange to think that that’s Go Yohan’s grown-up appearance.
A serious Go Yohan. No matter how I think about it, it didn’t suit him.
“I met your father yesterday.”
“……Father?”
The mouth that was sucking on the candy stopped abruptly. The laughter suddenly disappeared from that face, which had been full of playfulness. It was the moment when his chilling face was stained with tension. I stopped talking at the ominous atmosphere.
It was just an experience to use as a light conversation element, as is usually the case with everyday conversations, but looking at Go Yohan’s attitude, it didn’t seem like something to say lightly. Did I make a mistake? I feel uneasy for no reason.
“Yeah.”
“What did he say to you?”
His chilling pupils trembled slightly. I accurately read that fragile movement. As someone who grew up being very aware of others, my ability to recognize the same kind had grown remarkably.
Go Yohan was now being aware of his father. If I say something wrong, isn’t this going to be a big deal?
I calmly racked my brain. I brought it up in a good mood, but for some reason, it’s giving me a headache.
I was lost in thought for a moment at Go Yohan’s sensitive reaction to his parents’ story.
I think back to my first meeting with that middle-aged man. The first gaze he gave me. A gaze that looked at inanimate objects, the fact that he knew the name of the neighborhood I lived in, that I was good at studying, and that I was interested in church, I recalled that expression that changed to being friendly in an instant.
“Yeah. Go Yohan’s Father is, in fact, no different from my Father. They just have different tendencies and personalities. As someone of the same kind, I chose the best answer among them. Purely for Go Yohan’s sake.
“He told me to befriend you.”
“……Our Father did? To you?”
“Yeah.”
I’m a model student, so a Father who tells someone to befriend such a student can’t be a Father who doesn’t love his child. I definitely think so. So, I nodded shamelessly.
“He definitely said that.”
At that moment, a strange light flickered in Go Yohan’s eyes. I wanted to capture that change more, but I couldn’t because the school bell was about to ring and the other kids were rushing into the classroom.
“Everyone, take your seats. The bell is about to ring.”
Listening to the Homeroom Teacher who followed in, I imagined Go Yohan’s expression that I couldn’t quite see. When I thought about the positive change that thin gaze would bring to me, I felt a thrilling joy.
If Go Yohan’s reaction had been good from the start, I might have unnecessarily mentioned Go Yohan’s Father to kids like Lee Seok-hyun. But Go Yohan’s reaction to his Father was subtle. It was an atmosphere where it was better to keep my mouth shut. So, I did. I didn’t want to be hated for no reason.
But, contrary to my expectations, Go Yohan brought up his Father openly first.
“Hey. Jun said he saw our Father yesterday.”
“Father? Faa-ther? Makes me wanna puke. Hey. Just say Dad! Don’t be pretentious.”
Kim Min-ho pretended to gag. I took in the subtly barbed words. He’s subtly putting me down right now, isn’t he? I keenly felt the subtly stabbing hostility. Go Yohan just smiled softly and pushed Kim Min-ho’s head hard with his palm. As always. Kim Min-ho staggered. His face turned red. His mouth was pretending to smile, but his eyes weren’t.
“Ah, geez……. Hitting someone’s face.”
Everyone in this classroom noticed the atmosphere of this sensitive pecking order fight, but they pretended not to. Even I did. Because Go Yohan was still the untouchable top, and I was thinking that Kim Min-ho was going to fall into the abyss like that. Still, I took out a little insurance in case I got involved in something unfavorable in my life.
“Min-ho’s just awkward about it. Not many kids call their parents Father. Only you and I do, right? Isn’t that right?”
Let’s not fight and get along. I said words that demanded neutrality. In fact, neutrality is something that only the relatively successful can do. I inwardly puffed out my chest. Among these guys, aren’t I the closest friend who can get away with going against Go Yohan?
“Yeah.”
Suddenly, I felt someone touching the back of my head. Surprised, I looked up and saw Go Yohan with his arm around my shoulder, stroking my hair. As soon as I recognized who it was, my body froze. Winter-like eyes were calmly looking down at me. For some reason, my throat felt parched, stuffy, and hot.
“……Why?”
“No reason.”
Go Yohan, who had been stroking my hair, smiled. When I slightly turned my gaze, I saw Kim Min-ho, Lee Seok-hyun, Kim Seok-min, and even Park Dong-cheol looking this way. My body stiffened. No, this atmosphere is strange. It’s just like Han Jun-woo’s atmosphere. It’s like what Han Jun-woo used to do to Han Tae-san when he was in a good mood.
“What are you…….”
I quickly looked back and forth between Go Yohan and the other kids. Cold sweat broke out. I first put my hand on Go Yohan’s shoulder. And I was about to push him away or stop him, but I was preempted.
“Because you’re acting cute.”
With that gloomy expression? He felt that way about me? That’s a lie. Absolutely a lie. I hurriedly looked at the expressions of the other kids. Kim Min-ho and Kim Seok-min’s faces were twisted.
“…….”
No way. The kids are thinking strangely. I hurriedly pushed Go Yohan away with all my might. I thought I was acting a bit hasty, but Go Yohan, who obediently stepped back, said shamelessly.
“You heard from Father to get along with me…… right?”
“……Huh?”
“Is it true?”
Why is he doing this? Just because I brought up the Father story. I looked around and quickly put on a smiling face as if nothing had happened.
“Yeah, so stop doing Han Jun-woo-like pranks.”
Did I take too big of a gamble? Even other gazes are intertwined with the word ‘Han Jun-woo.’ Among them was Han Jun-woo, who had been crouching down after hearing his name, slowly straightening his back. Due to the position, I had no choice but to make eye contact with Han Jun-woo, but I didn’t avoid his gaze. I narrowed my eyes and continued speaking with a bright expression that could win anyone over.
“Yohan’s been pushing that gag lately. Han Jun-woo’s thing.”
“What’s that? That disgusting thing?”
Go Yohan didn’t let go despite my desperate protection and tapped the protruding back of my head with his finger. Goosebumps rose on my neck. I quickly shook my head to avoid the constantly touching hand. Go Yohan’s hand remained in the air as it had been stroking my hair.
Why is Go Yohan suddenly doing such a precarious thing? Why did he volunteer to cut his own throat? I can’t understand Go Yohan’s self-destructive behavior.
But still, I grabbed Go Yohan’s back. Because Go Yohan is the biggest insurance that will protect my high school life. Yeah. Because he’s insurance. That’s all. I erased all the emotions that came up after that. My hand, filled with my thoughts, lightly gripped the back I was holding.
“Why. ‘That thing,’ you know.”
Han Jun-woo’s gaze, which met my words, sank coldly. His eyes were openly saying it. A face that felt insulted. So what if I am? I countered Han Jun-woo’s gaze with a sneer.
You should get a taste of it too. The kids who noticed my gaze turned their heads in the direction of Han Jun-woo. And their expressions changed. A face that understood. Yeah. Please think that way. That Go Yohan was deliberately imitating him to harass Han Jun-woo.
“This bastard, he’s really crazy!”
Lee Seok-hyun was the first to react positively. Lee Seok-hyun grabbed his stomach and laughed heartily. Kim Seok-min laughed next.
“Ah, damn it. I knew it was so dirty. He’s really a crazy bastard!”
Park Dong-cheol chimed in.
“Wow-. Damn. I was really surprised. I got goosebumps. I wondered if Yohan was gay too.”
And I saw Kim Min-ho laughing with a face that didn’t know how to laugh. I desperately grabbed Go Yohan’s back. Among the swaying vision, Han Jun-woo, who was crumpling a page of a textbook, came into view, and as his glaring eyes approached, I quickly turned my gaze to Go Yohan.
Go Yohan’s gaze went to Han Jun-woo, then to me, then to the kids, then back to me, and then back to Han Jun-woo. The hand that had been touching my head rested on his chin.
Finally, his silent mouth opened.
“How was it. Was it a little fun?”
Haa. I unknowingly let out a sigh. A sigh of relief. The cold reaction quickly subsided, and a hot reaction surged up.
“Hey. You surprised me! You son of a bitch! I almost got goosebumps. Do you know that, you bastard?”
Go Yohan smiles. Thanks to that, my hands were full of sweat. In the midst of all this, I thought that I was lucky that this guy was at least somewhat sane. I don’t know why he suddenly showed me such an attitude, but I can understand it because Go Yohan was originally that kind of guy.
A strange guy. I bit my lip slightly and tried to look up at Go Yohan. But I immediately turned my eyes away. It was because Go Yohan was staring at me intently. For no reason, my ears felt hot.
“So, our Father told Jun to get along with me.”
Go Yohan, who was calmly looking down at me, lightly scanned the kids who were still grinning.
“To get along with Jun.”
“Ah, please stop saying that. It’s going to be stuck in my ears. Honestly, it’s obvious! Kang Jun studies well, so he’s telling you to study too. Hey. All parents think the same.”
“That’s right, I’ve actually used Kang Jun’s name a few times.”
Park Dong-cheol responded to Go Yohan’s words, and Lee Seok-hyun giggled and said. Kim Seok-min received those words.
“What did they say?”
“They didn’t believe me? They asked why my grades are so bad when I’m hanging out with him.”
“Shee-bal. Same as me!”
Everyone bursts into laughter. The crisis passed safely like that.
The second crisis came during lunchtime. Today, Go Yohan waited for me and waved his hand at the kids who were rushing out, saying, “I’m going to eat with Jun. Bye.” Kim Min-ho’s face suddenly brightened. And so did mine.
Han Tae-san and Han Jun-woo had disappeared again, nowhere to be seen. The two of them, who no one was looking for anymore, remained as a potted plant-like presence in our class. We don’t have much interest in them, but strangely, they sometimes feel like a nuisance.
My eyes chased the empty seats, and my ears chased Go Yohan’s voice.
“So, you met at the church like that?”
“Yeah. I didn’t know at first, but when I thought about it, he resembled someone. When I looked, it was exactly you.”
“I do resemble my Father quite a bit.”
“You’re smiling. You must really like your Father.”
I turned my eyes to the clock on the wall. It was almost time to go down. At that moment, a cold feeling touched my cheek. It was Go Yohan’s finger. That cold and forceful finger gently turned my head towards him.
“Where are you looking when we’re talking.”
Go Yohan smiled slightly. But that smile was somehow unsettling. Even in the midst of that, I couldn’t help but be bothered by the part that was touched. My stomach felt strangely stuffy and suffocated.
“Ah. Sorry.”
“You have to focus on me now.”
It was strangely a scolding tone. The moment I, slightly upset by that tone, was about to say something, Go Yohan lightly tapped my cheek with his finger and preempted me.
“And, I hate my Father. I’m only telling you this. It’s a secret?”
Everything is a secret. I pushed away Go Yohan’s uncomfortable finger and stood up.
“Okay, let’s go down. We have to go eat.”
“Is it already that time?”
Ooh-. Go Yohan looked at the clock and stood up. As we were leaving the classroom together, Go Yohan suddenly asked.
“That’s right. Why did you do that earlier?”
“What?”
“When I said you were cute, you told me not to do Han Jun-woo’s thing.”
I looked at Go Yohan with a dumbfounded expression. He was still bothered by that? But the face asking was quite serious, so I answered honestly.
“If you act like that, the other kids will look down on you.”
“Those guys, on me? Dare they?”
Go Yohan pointed at himself with his finger and asked back. His words were full of contempt. I couldn’t help but be even more dumbfounded by that tone. How much is he looking down on his friends?
“That will never happen.”
Go Yohan’s eyes were full of confidence. Eyes that trampled on others. Those words contained countless emotions and situations. Go Yohan, the tallest in the school, the best fighter, not bad at studying, perfect in English, and the handsome son of a rich family. All those conditions made Go Yohan who he is now.
Perhaps it’s a wall that children of the lower class, who can’t study, have no patience, and have no money, can never overcome. But still, I shook my head.
“Still, it’s best if that doesn’t happen. The kids getting strange misunderstandings. To avoid getting tangled up in unnecessary uncomfortable things.”
“Then, then. You’re always like that.”
The tone is a typical sarcasm, but the nuance is quite positive. I don’t know if he likes it or hates it.
“I’ve been quietly watching you all this time, and it seems like you always make things complicated.”
“You’ve been watching me?”
“……?”
Oops, my head went blank in an instant. I made a mistake. Why did I say something like that. Idiot. I unknowingly covered my mouth. My head, trying to fix the situation, was spinning like crazy.
“You’ve been watching me?”
“No, that’s not it…….”
“You’ve been watching, me.”
Ah-. Go Yohan scratched his chin and nodded. But why does he have a subtly proud face? Isn’t he usually upset? While I was trying to understand his incomprehensible way of thinking, Go Yohan smiled brightly and said.
“First, to explain, that’s my nature. That’s just my personality. I like complicated things. I like tangled things.”
“Well, you don’t have to explain…….”
“Just, know it well.”
Know what? Why me? I was too busy trying to defuse the situation to even raise such questions, and my eyes, which were anxiously looking around, rolled around and spat out unnecessary trivial words.
“Then why don’t you study. There are complicated problem books all over the world.”
“Ah. Don’t you know that if you tell me to study, I don’t want to study even more?”
“That’s all excuses.”
“It’s not an excuse?”
Suddenly, Go Yohan stopped abruptly in the middle of the stairs. Then he turns around. He shows me his palm, and by now, something familiar is visible in his hand.
“Look.”
I squinted at what it was, and suddenly realized what it was. The note I crumpled up and put in the paper trash. My Post-it. The paper on which I unknowingly wrote Go Yohan’s name and then desperately erased it. That, that’s why it’s there. My face flushes.
I hurriedly reached out my hand. Crazy, why do you have that. Why do you.
I should have grabbed it. I missed it. Go Yohan suddenly threw the crumpled paper into his mouth. It was not a situation to judge calmly. I tried to get that paper out somehow. As I took a step closer, Go Yohan pulled his body back. My hand only brushed the air. Go Yohan lightly hit my chest with his fist. And he smiled and said this.
“Is putting the note here a kindness for me to read?”
Damn it, why is that line coming out here. I was just distracted by my own pettiness contained in the mouth of that liar.
“Give it back.”
“What kind of manners are those, telling me to give it back?”
“Give it back!”
“You’re a safety gangster.”
Go Yohan frowned. I want to take it away, but I guess my arms are shorter than Go Yohan’s, so I can’t reach it. Even if I desperately reach out my hand, only Go Yohan’s lips are touched.
I was flustered and touched it without knowing where I was touching. Was that why. Go Yohan’s face is getting worse and worse.
Go Yohan, who slightly pushed me away, took the crumpled note out of his mouth. And he put it in my pocket. I should be the one who’s upset, but why is that bastard angry. Damn it. I hurriedly pushed away Go Yohan’s hand that was escaping from my pocket and rummaged through my pocket.
“You, you really, you, what are you doing……!”
I unfolded the slightly damp note as if to tear it. But the content was not what I had written.
Too ordinary content with the ‘l’ drawn out long, as if the note was taken away while writing. I stared blankly at the note and looked at Go Yohan. My chest sank heavily for a moment. Thin and long, cold eyes were coldly looking down at me.
“You, why is this…….”
“It’s annoying.”
“What?”
The cold gaze continued. Go Yohan looked down at me like that, then turned around and put both hands in his pockets and went down the stairs two steps at a time. What was even harder to bear was that the scent of soap permeated the small breeze that Go Yohan caused. And only sorrow remained for me.
I looked at the back of Go Yohan’s head as he walked away. Damn it, Go Yohan’s hair is sticking out.
Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan have many differences, but the only difference that is important to me is that Go Yohan tends to take care of me. I felt awkward about Go Yohan, who often called me casually. It was because of the past when he was no different from Han Jun-woo’s backup. Honestly, I’m not adapting well.
It was the same yesterday. He didn’t even look at me until I received the food, and he didn’t even talk to me, making me watch people’s reactions. I cursed him dozens of times in my mind, worried, and still sat in front of him, knowing that the atmosphere would be even more fierce if I didn’t sit next to Go Yohan, and then suddenly his expression changed and he started joking around.
Suddenly, he smiled and said, “Why does Codfish Jeong look like seasoned chicken and make people suffer. I almost ate it thinking it was chicken,” and said something trivial.
However, what is questionable is the timing when Go Yohan suddenly loses his temper. It’s harder to match Go Yohan’s mood than Han Jun-woo’s. Was I overreacting yesterday? Did Go Yohan just want to talk to me about that ‘Codfish Jeong’ and got angry because my reaction was too much? Was writing my Post-it just a coincidence?
“…….”
Suddenly, I glanced at Go Yohan, who was concentrating on the class. He’s a really difficult guy.
Go Yohan, who has been in a good mood lately, picked up his bag as soon as the after-school meeting was over and spoke to me.
“Hey there. Are you the neighborhood resident who lives alone?”
I was annoyed by his teasing, and after contemplating how to respond, I held back and pretended to be nonchalant. There’s nothing more foolish than showing others my agitation.
“Stop it. I get it. Sorry I realized it so late. I said I’m sorry.”
“Are you going to walk home with me today?”
A playful face, he presses me with a mischievous expression that torments me. He was so bright that I couldn’t tell when he had looked down on me with such chilling coldness. It felt like a memory only I had. Go Yohan seems not to care at all about what happened yesterday. I was bothered the whole time. If I stayed still, that cold gaze would come to mind. From time to time, that memory made me feel inexplicably sad.
“Are you going to answer when someone asks you something?”
Suddenly, a large hand grabs my cheek and turns my face. In an instant, Go Yohan’s face came into my view. I forgot how to breathe for a moment.
This is Yohan’s flaw. At least, I don’t remember ever having physical contact with Han Jun-woo.
The grip on my cheek tightens. Consequently, my lips protrude forward. Only then did I come to my senses and look at Go Yohan. Go Yohan seemed to have anticipated my response from my attitude. He had a sulky face.
“If you make this excuse or that excuse like before, you’re dead.”
“…I’m really sorry, but I can’t go with you today.”
“Ah. Is it because today is your death anniversary?”
Go Yohan pretended to grab and shake my neck. It doesn’t hurt much, and it’s a gesture without malice. That’s also uncomfortable. This subtle kindness, I mean.
“No, I have a special academy lecture today. I have to go early.”
“Ah-.”
Go Yohan, still holding my neck, opens his mouth and says listlessly.
“That’s not good.”
“…Let’s go together tomorrow. School ends early, and the academy is closed, so you can play at my house. You have supplementary classes, right?”
I hurriedly appeased Go Yohan. I was sure this would never happen. I clearly remember how much I hated Go Yohan. But what am I now?
It’s as if the disease of seventeen has returned. Even in that moment, I blurted out the words thinking that Go Yohan, who is quite concerned about his grades, would naturally take vacation supplementary classes. Go Yohan nodded slightly. As expected.
“If you change your mind tomorrow, it won’t end with just dying tomorrow.”
“I definitely won’t change it. Don’t worry.”
And what made me realize that I was an immature eighteen-year-old was Go Yohan, whom I kept thinking about while listening to the lecture at the academy. His cold gaze and playful arm-wrestling kept lingering in my mind. No matter how much I pretended to be mature, I was just an eighteen-year-old who was sensitively reacting to the mood of a classmate.
When I returned, my parents were not there. It seemed they had gone abroad again while I was at school. The Auntie also seemed to have gone out to buy dinner. It was truly an empty house.
First, I went into my room and put down my luggage. I had been racking my brain so much that I was now exhausted. My limp body stuck to the chair on its own. I want to rest. I sighed, feeling a slight fever on my forehead. In a place filled only with my presence, a strangely eerie feeling arose.
An empty house. A tired body. And eighteen years old. That combination sometimes gives me a unique sensation.
I looked around for a moment. There really isn’t anyone here, right? Only after checking two or three times did I gently grab the waistband of my pants. Then, after hesitating for a moment, I took the tissue box on the desk and placed it next to me. Locking the door tightly on the way was a bonus.
“……”
I stuck my butt to the floor and fiddled with the buckle area of my pants. My hesitant hand soon went inside my pants. At the same time as I slightly wiggled my butt, the waistband of my pants was already right below my butt. Perhaps because they were grabbed together, my underwear also came down. Seeing the thin underwear pulled down from under the black school uniform pants is a bit explicit and uncomfortable.
I let out a short puff of air and grabbed my lower body. At first, I only touch it with my fingers.
My thighs are full of strength. My legs bent on their own. It feels like needles are pricking the back of my knees. Provocative images flash through my mind in succession. Just as I was about to reach the end of my excitement, a scene that inspired me flashed into my mind.
‘If it’s wet, I’ll have to wash it, right?’
Damn it. With those words, my toes curled up.
“…Why did that word suddenly come to mind?”
Why? I pondered while throwing the tissue in the toilet. I closed the toilet lid and flushed the water. The loud noise disturbed my thoughts. After a long deliberation, I came to the conclusion that Go Yohan’s lewd jokes were quite to my taste.
Just as the water in the flushed toilet swirled and was sucked into the drain, the dirty vortex that occurred in the classroom subsided.
The classroom is a toilet. A dirty life where all kinds of filth are mixed in. Since this summer, I have begun to hate the classroom. But even within it, lovely things are born.
Like Go Yohan’s small, sharp Canine Tooth.
I was a little late to school today. It was because I overslept.
Of all days, why did Han Jun-woo have to come early on the day I was late? At the same time as I opened the classroom door, I met his dark and sunken eyes. He looked at me, and I didn’t avoid it either. I also had a bit of competitive spirit, wondering what he was looking at. I straightened the shoulder strap of my bag. Not too fast, not too slow. I arrived at my seat with my usual gait and put down my bag.
The vacation ceremony was short. The principal’s mumbling on the broadcast during the morning assembly for only 10 minutes was the entirety of the vacation ceremony. As soon as the broadcast ended, the guys who weren’t taking supplementary classes hurriedly packed their bags.
“Quiet! I haven’t told you to leave yet!”
“Ah! Teacher. We knew we were only going to have a 10-minute vacation ceremony, so can’t you let us go a little early?”
“I have something to say, so sit down quickly!”
Homeroom Teacher slams the desk with the attendance book several times. In the beginning, Homeroom Teacher was just naive, but after experiencing the wickedness of these damned eighteen-year-olds a few times, he has become quite skilled now.
“When I see you after the vacation, you’ll be seniors, right? Now you’ve reached the final stage of your long exam life. Don’t give up until the end, and let’s do our best until the end. You guys are really a pain in the ass, but since you’re my students, I won’t give up until the end either. If anything happens, be sure to call me. You all know my number, right? If you make a prank call, I won’t let you off, so be aware. I’ll either deduct points or tell your senior Homeroom Teacher that you’re a student to watch out for. Keep that in mind. Now! Have a good vacation. Those of you who are staying for supplementary classes, take a little break and then do your supplementary classes, and those of you who aren’t doing supplementary classes, don’t disturb the students who are studying and go home quickly!”
“Oh-. Teacher, I’m touched- Aang!”
“Quiet. Go.”
Kim Min-ho, excited about the vacation, makes a disgusting fuss. The classmates pretended to gag or followed Kim Min-ho and said, “Aang! Aang!” Disgusting bastards.
“Goodbye!”
Following the class president’s shout, a perfunctory greeting spreads loudly.
Anyway, that’s how the vacation started.
“Okay. If you substitute this formula into this number……”
Haam. I heard a loud yawn next to me. I turned my head and it was Go Yohan. As if by appointment, Go Yohan insisted on sitting next to me even during the vacation. And the guy who was originally in that seat didn’t apply for supplementary classes. Therefore, since it was an empty seat anyway, there was no need to ask for permission. He yawned so loudly that his eyes were even filled with tears.
I tapped Go Yohan’s arm with the back of the pencil I was holding.
“Are you sleepy?”
“If you’re not sleepy during math, you’re crazy.”
I chuckled at his brazen words. He’s right. Already a third of them were nodding off. That includes Go Yohan. I felt a bit playful.
“Should I wake you up?”
Go Yohan answered with sleepy eyes.
“Ung.”
Perhaps he was really sleepy, his voice was buried in sleep and mumbled. It’s not difficult. I put the pencil next to Go Yohan’s arm, pretended to walk my fingers across the desk, and then grabbed his white wrist. After slightly turning the grabbed wrist, I hit the unguarded part with my index and middle fingers.
“Ah!”
“Go Yohan. What are you doing?”
Math, who has such good ears, asked with a voice full of annoyance as he wrote formulas on the blackboard.
“I cut my finger on the book.”
He lies so brazenly. Has he only been lying every time he breathes? Why is he so natural? Heh heh. I covered my mouth to stop the leaking laughter. Go Yohan looked at Math’s expression and protested to me in a small voice.
“Hey. That hurts.”
“You told me to wake you up.”
“I told you to wake me up, not to make me scream?”
“You’re the one who screamed, why are you blaming me.”
“Hey, you……”
Go Yohan glared at me with a face full of dissatisfaction. When I flinched, Go Yohan quickly whispered in my ear.
“Loser pays, rock paper scissors.”
“Hey!”
Damn it, that expression from earlier was all a tactic. It seems he was trying to make me lower my guard. Go Yohan held out scissors, and I held out paper. I lost. Go Yohan, who had become triumphant, raised one corner of his mouth and beckoned with his finger. I bit my lip slightly and rolled up my shirt. Math was now writing meaningless formulas on the blackboard.
This is the time. Go Yohan looked around and hit my wrist.
I covered my mouth and bowed my head deeply. The hand I was hit with was stuck between my knees. Ah. It hurts. Go Yohan, whom I glanced at, was propping up his chin and pretending to look at the desk.
“Hey, turn off the local broadcast over there.”
Math warned in a low voice, but no one was listening to the class anyway. All the students had lost interest in the class. The guys who studied a bit were studying on their own, and the guys who studied moderately were hiding earphones in their arms and listening to online lectures. If you looked from the back, you could see the lecture screen hidden on the desk.
“Loser pays, rock paper scissors.”
This time it’s my turn first. But this time I have a fist, and Go Yohan has paper. Go Yohan stroked his thigh with his palm, just like I did earlier. My thigh shrinks with each small touch. Go Yohan, who finally took out the wrist hidden between my knees, smiled.
“You’re dead now. I didn’t say I’d spare you yesterday. Right? Huh?”
“Hey. Gently. Gently……”
“The flesh I grab is flesh. Clench your teeth tightly. Got it?”
“N, no. Hit me weakly. Can’t you hit me weakly?”
“Jun-ah.”
The playful voice became deep and heavy. My heart fell to the floor and then bounced to the ceiling. I suppressed the once overturned heart and raised my head.
Before my eyes was the cause of my emotions. Eyes that pressed down on me with an intense focus. That Go Yohan, who was as light as a feather, had disappeared like a lie. All that remained was a strange and bizarre Go Yohan. That momentary change uplifted me.
“Then it wouldn’t be fun.”
A low whisper tickles my ear. A long thumb slowly rubs the red wrist. Two ironic emotions took hold in my chest. The joy I instinctively feel and the fear that reason feels. The beginning was joy, but in the end, fear devoured me.
The reason is always the same. It’s because I don’t want to be hated. The feeling of not wanting to strip away and show all my emotions grabbed my anxiety. At this rate, he might hear my heartbeat. I don’t want that. I absolutely don’t want to be caught.
I desperately tried to twist my hand out. But I soon failed. Go Yohan’s hand didn’t let me go. The force was so strong that my wrist turned white. In a flustered state, I looked at Go Yohan as if pleading.
“Let, let go.”
“……”
Go Yohan’s black eyes, devoid of playfulness, stared intently at me. It’s even more embarrassing because it looks like those eyes are interrogating me. Why is he looking at me with those eyes? It’s such an unfamiliar expression that I can’t figure out the reason.
My heart was pounding so hard it felt like it would explode. Still, his long fingers pressed down on my wrist and stroked it. It’s strangely coercive. He might really find out now. That anxiety stimulated me even more. Now I clenched my teeth tightly and tried to pull my hand out. My hand became pale to the point of being white.
“Let go……”
“You, why.”
Go Yohan’s mouth finally opened.
“On that sticky note back then.”
“Hey, I told you to turn off the local broadcast over there!”
A shriek covered Go Yohan’s words. Math threw a chalk. The chalk flew accurately at me. I wasn’t so lucky this time.
“Ah!”
A stinging sensation stuck to my cheek. I reflexively covered my cheek. I hurriedly raised my head and looked at Math. Math, already full of anger, pointed at me and said.
“Next time, it won’t end with a warning.”
“I’m sorry.”
Damn it. There are obviously a lot of kids messing around, why is he only being a jerk to me. As soon as he heard my words, he turned around and glared at the back of Math’s head, who was writing useless letters on the blackboard. It doesn’t hurt much, but I feel bad. Why chalk of all things. I gently rubbed my cheek with my hand.
At that moment, long, cold fingers slowly intertwined with my fingers placed on my cheek. A hand that crept in as if seeping through the gaps between my fingers and took its place covered the back of my hand and the cheek that my hand couldn’t reach. The remaining thumb very slowly stroked the cheek near my nose.
Go Yohan tilted his head slightly. Sunlight was shining behind him. He said silently.
‘Sorry.’
I froze like that, unable to take my hand away and bound by the atmosphere. Fortunately, my reason, which had come to its senses, hurriedly pulled my hand away and turned my head. But even though nothing was touching me now, I voluntarily became captivated by that strange sensation. So I didn’t even have the mind to ask Go Yohan what he had asked me.
Yes, this side of Go Yohan is strangely kind.
Shit. I hate this side of me too. I bit my lip tightly and looked at the blackboard. It was a very bad choice. I wish I had looked just one minute later. Because I ended up making eye contact with Han Tae-san, who had openly turned his body halfway.
Han Tae-san was looking at me. To be exact, my emotions and actions.
“……”
To hide my emotions, I hurriedly picked up my pencil and buried my head in the problem book. My rapidly beating heart didn’t stop.