6 – The Bed of Eighteen (Side Story 2.6)

After the rain had completely stopped, only dampness remained on the ground at dawn. Descending the front porch steps, I discovered a dead centipede. Whether it was rigor mortis or its last breath, the movement of the centipede’s dozens of legs resembled the pressing of piano keys. I sensed that it was the prelude to an unfortunate requiem that would soon engulf this mansion.

Before leaving for early morning classes, I turned back to gaze at the mansion shrouded in mist.

The centipedes had begun appearing three months prior. Extermination efforts did not reduce their numbers. Not only in the sewers, but centipedes lurked in every unseen corner of this mansion. I moved my tongue to caress my sharp Canine Tooth, then smirked.

Soon, I’ll be devoured by insects.

Middle school, third year, Go Yohan, hears bullshit right before graduation.

The time was when I was passionately lecturing about Thomas Edison, who committed all sorts of evil deeds and ultimately died a hero. My passionate lecture began because of unexpressed desires.

Won’t anyone take the bait? I cracked my finger knuckles, surveying my surroundings. The classroom, where winter frost had crept in, was eerily silent. It felt like something was about to happen. A snapping sound echoed from my finger joints.

“…Edison, that bastard, was half-crazy from the start. He fed hydrogen to a friend who wanted to fly.”

Even as I continued speaking, I constantly scanned my surroundings. I was waiting for someone to catch my eye. Then, I met the gaze of ‘Cheese,’ who was intently watching me. He’s a kid who runs a milk distribution business.

From the start, the classroom crowd had already scattered, leaving only about seven people. It was the aftermath of nearing graduation. One person stubbornly remained in his seat for some reason, and that was him. In his puffy, monolidded eyes, arrogance blazed like a torch. A torch that flared up in an instant.

Running my finger across my lips, I greedily watched a rat coming into the trap.

“Go Yohan, listen.”

“No.”

“Don’t joke around, you little shit. I’m being serious, don’t misunderstand. I’m being fucking serious.”

“Serious?”

“…Do you like guys?”

The rat struck the trap with its thin tail. The trap missed the rat. Shit. I lightly bit my tongue in disappointment.

“Me?”

But the bait the rat left behind looked so delicious.

Me? Did I?

The hand that had been running across my lips pressed down on my chin, then dropped, lightly stabbing my neck. The hand, caught on my collarbone and clattering down, slid down to the center of my chest. Interesting. I clenched the rotten cheese the rat had left behind in an instant, distorting it. I tapped my chest with a bent finger and asked.

“Did I?”

Sss-. I took a rough breath and tilted my chin once. I don’t think I have.

“No? It’s not? It’s not, right?”

“Of course not, you fucker.”

“You son of a bitch. I didn’t believe it either! I just asked, you shit.”

The rat circled near the trap, barked like a beast, and then retreated into the darkness. Scratching near my chest with my finger, I asked Cheese.

“Why did you think so?”

“Ah, actually…”

Cheese pointed to his pointed snout and whispered. ‘Jo Je-wook said so.’

“Who’s Jo Je-wook?”

I asked.

“Him.”

Cheese uttered just one word loudly, then stuck close to me and spoke in an even smaller voice.

“His dad got elected as the assemblyman for our district this time, right? Number 2, Jo Gyeong-cheol.”

Cheese’s voice was heavy and dark, like a boulder in the mountains at midnight. It was also like the sound of leaves being swept away in the mountains at dawn and the sound of water flowing in a valley somewhere. Ah. Only then did I realize and nod. Something interesting is happening.

I tilted my head up and smiled.

“I know him. Ah, I know him.”

“Anyway, that’s what he said. That you like guys.”

“That’s an interesting idea.”

That was my impression of the rumor that had spread about me.

What does Jo Je-wook think of me to spread such a story? I wonder. The spring that held the trap in place made an ear-piercing noise as it reopened its jaws. In that state, it waited for new prey in the ceiling, in dusty corners, in dark places.

Hooking a finger on my shirt collar, I pulled the shirt down. The collar pressed hard against the back of my neck. I thought about something else for a moment and then asked Cheese.

“Jo Je-wook, you said?”

Cheese nodded his chin a few times. I tugged at my collar a few times and then stood up. I should go meet Jo Je-wook.

“Where are you going?”

“Me? I don’t know either.”

Because I don’t know where Jo Je-wook is. It’s natural that I don’t know.

But I knew that this rumor would surely cause an unpleasant incident. It was my gut feeling. My gut feeling was always good, and it was right nine times out of ten. And I had a feeling that something very interesting would happen because of this. Once again, I feel that my gut feeling is really good.

My humming didn’t stop as I walked down the hallway. My steps were light, and I walked as if bouncing on the dry wooden floor. Then, if I made eye contact with anyone, I would block their path and ask.

“Do you know Jo Je-wook?”

But surprisingly, every kid I spoke to knew Jo Je-wook.

I only remember Jo Je-wook’s impression from about a year ago. A kid who was two spans shorter than me and a bit chubby. I remember him running around saying his father was running for National Assemblyman.

But I wasn’t very close to him.

What does he think of me to spread such nonsense? I should go and clear up the misunderstanding.

“What a narrow-minded bastard.”

I blew air into the void. The hot breath met the cold air and turned into white smoke. The truth was that my mood was gradually declining. I was just curious, but when I asked the kids passing by if they knew Jo Je-wook, I read contempt in their eyes.

Crazy. You sons of bitches.

“…Did an interesting idea spread a little too far?”

The key in my hand coldly chilled my palm. Before leaving the classroom, I took the classroom key without permission. The duty student probably won’t be able to lock the door because of me. It’s a shame.

But isn’t my business more important? What does it matter to me if some kid I don’t even know can’t go home? I tossed and caught the key, making a loud noise with my hand. And as soon as I got right in front of the class where Jo Je-wook was, I grabbed the arm of a random guy passing by.

“Huh? Oh, why…”

“Do you know Jo Je-wook? Where is he?”

Suppressing my anger, I smiled, baring my teeth as much as possible. It’s good to look friendly. Fortunately, this kid seemed to like my friendliness quite a bit, and he pointed somewhere with a very friendly face.

“He’s over there.”

“Ah, thank you. Be blessed.”

I lightly tapped his arm and looked where Jo Je-wook was. There was a surprisingly handsome beanpole there. Oh- he’s good-looking. He’s only about a finger shorter than me now. I thought he was some kind of loser for spreading such rumors. I clapped my hands in admiration at the unexpected sight.

Then, the friendly group chatting while leaning against the window all looked at me. Wow, look at them looking at me. I shivered with a chilling joy. I was a little dissatisfied that the group’s expressions were hardening. I forgave them with a generous heart and spread my arms towards Jo Je-wook.

“Je-wook!”

“Go, Go Yohan?”

“Nice to see you. It’s, it’s been a while. Meeting you here. We went to the same kindergarten, right!”

“Oh, hello.”

He’s awkward. He’s very shy. I put strength into the bridge of my nose and then released it, smiling even more brightly. As I approached with my arms spread, Jo Je-wook hesitated a bit but then stood up. After all, greetings should be bright and cheerful. Right? I gave him an eye smile, and Jo Je-wook seemed to agree. But that son of a bitch frowned and asked me.

“…But were we in the same kindergarten?”

“No?”

I moved my outstretched hand as it was and lifted Jo Je-wook’s lower jaw. I felt it sink right into the soft part between the jawbone and the neck bone. It fit perfectly. There wasn’t even a small scream. The sight of him rolling his eyes back and falling was so funny that I couldn’t stop laughing. What are you asking me? I spread my hands again as I watched his body, stiff as a board, fall backward. With a thud, his body, which had turned into a stick, crashed headfirst into the floor. I waved my hands wildly at the lying Jo Je-wook.

“I was home-schooled, you fucking bastard.”

Silence flowed through the hallway. Since everyone was looking at me, I rolled my eyes and responded with a smile.

“So what?”

“The mansion is truly beautiful.”

My mother’s voice, heard at dawn, was like scraping a chalkboard with an awl. Her clear voice, which had never experienced hardship, scratched my ears as if tearing them apart. In the direction my mother pointed, there was a mansion with no end in sight to its walls.

“Even though it was a mansion that went to auction, the price was enormous.”

No one answered that. Go Rosa simply lay in the back seat, resting her head on her mother’s lap. The car climbed uphill. The driver’s driving was always perfect, and my mother and Go Rosa were engaged in a silent war of nerves. Of course, it was a war of nerves that Go Rosa was bound to lose.

“Rosa.”

“……Yes.”

“Moving was a good choice. You know that bugs kept coming out in that house. Besides, the house we’re moving to is a bit smaller than the original house, but there’s a big cathedral nearby. The neighborhood atmosphere is also nice. It definitely feels like a young neighborhood. The house prices in this neighborhood are skyrocketing these days.”

“……”

“……Rosa.”

“What.”

“How long are you going to be angry?”

“……”

A chill settled in her calm voice. Only then did Go Rosa draw out the end of her words.

“I’m tired. I have to wake up an hour early to go to school.”

“The driver takes you anyway. Rosa, think positively. Why are you so negative about everything?”

“……I.”

“Are you going to talk about your brother again? Are you going to blame your brother again?”

Why always. As Go Rosa muttered softly, her mother grabbed her beloved daughter’s arm and squeezed it. Go Rosa and I made eye contact through the rearview mirror. Her cool face scanned me and the driver, then quickly turned away.

“I understand. I’m sorry.”

“Rosa. It’s because your brother is kind that he puts up with your tantrums. You would have been in big trouble in another family.”

What does she know, having been born the youngest of three sisters? I just want to throw it all up. I hate the smell of gasoline. I hate the smell of asphalt, and when I smell the hot tar, I feel like burying my nose in lava and dying. I hate the smell of leather seats too. That dirty smell of motion sickness. I rubbed the back of my head against the dirty leather seat.

The move, which took place at one in the morning, was as quiet and secretive as a bug crawling on the floor without the owner’s knowledge. My mother, whose staple food was carrots, pointed to the darkness outside the window with shining eyes and said.

“Look, look again. How is it? Pretty, isn’t it.”

“……”

“Rosa, look. Huh? There, that room with the window is your room. You can see the entire view of our garden. Isn’t your room the biggest and prettiest in this house? Mom chose it for you.”

The ignorant little brat is too busy glaring at me to see where her window is.

Go ahead and glare all the time. Does the world change?

On Christmas evening, I impulsively threw a stone into the sky, but all that came back was oppression and retribution, not freedom and liberation. Only one thing has changed. That I have become a bug.

“Huh? My puppy. Cheer up.”

I saw the image of a benevolent mother gently caressing Go Rosa’s cheek through the rearview mirror. Go Rosa distorted her face when she saw me. I want to kill that bitch. I can’t stand the sight of her being jealous of me, not even knowing that she’s the baby Jesus.

Nevertheless, I kept my mouth shut and sat in the front seat, staring blankly ahead. I didn’t even bother to look at the new house. What kind of idiot would want to see a house they might have to look at for half their life even a minute or a second sooner? Ah, here’s one. The Virgin Mary trapped in the rearview mirror. My mother’s image in the rearview mirror was the girl herself, stuck to the window, looking at a dollhouse with shining eyes. Still lost in fantasy.

After all, the only place for a bug to go is the trash can. Crushed under white tissue paper, bursting and dying, spitting out the blood it sucked from humans, and dying without a sound. That’s my life. So that house must be a trash can.

“Yohan, your room is over there too. How is it? The window is wide, isn’t it. Do you see that house next door? From your room, you’ll be able to see the magnolia tree blooming at the edge of that house’s garden. I heard from the person who introduced us to the house that that house deliberately planted expensive magnolia saplings. So every spring, a picturesque landscape unfolds.”

Ah, fuck, it’ll be so pretty. Spying on other people’s houses too. Killing two birds with one stone.

Well, it’s better to look at a house with magnolias blooming than to look at a sewage warehouse that you have to be stuck in for the rest of your life. The magnolia tree illuminated by the streetlights was white and pure. I want to tear it apart and make it dirty. I don’t want to fall into hell alone.

Damn it, Go Yohan wasn’t born to live like this.

Now there’s only one thing I can believe in. Edison was also a bug in the beginning. So am I.

In addition, Edison wasn’t the one who invented the light bulb, but the one who stole the invention of the light bulb and commercialized it. Our bug, whose only plausible famous achievement was inventing the electric chair, a tool of execution, must have been happy anyway. Thomas Edison was loved.

Changing the neighborhood I’ve lived in all my life changes a lot of things. First of all, the surrounding environment has become rotten. Looking at the scenery of the school, I can’t tell whether this is a higher education institution or a sewage warehouse. My life was originally rotten to the level of waste, but this is not it.

It’s exactly the level of the neighborhood. A neighborhood where first-class and fourth-class water are mixed.

From the beginning, I didn’t like this neighborhood. It’s disgusting. My eyes melted a little because of the dogs and pigs intertwined like threads in the muddy water full of filth. Look at the bloodworms that only live in filth becoming a colony and rising up like rotten boils. In fact, I already vomited gastric acid in front of the school gate as soon as the entrance ceremony or whatever the fuck was over.

Looking at the appearances of the kids passing by, it seems like the hungry ghost realm is right. The hungry ghosts seem to have a very close friendship with each other, and they recognize each other as soon as they see each other.

“Fuck! You, you’re not Choi Myung-woo, are you? That’s right. You. You son of a bitch. Yeah, you! You’re not Ha Jin-seok, are you? That bastard used to buy my bread. You’re Ha Jin-seok’s friend, right. Jin-seok talks about you a lot?”

“You… you’re Kim Min-ho? Kim Min-ho, are you in this class? Crazy, ah, this year is ruined.”

“Fuck off! You son of a bitch. Before I fuck your mouth.”

It’s fun to watch because they’re like zoo monkeys. How do you fuck a mouth? Do you do it with your mouth? How? Do you suck it? The bugs, who were making a lot of noise while talking among themselves, subtly made eye contact with me. And they ask in a whisper that everyone can hear.

‘Hey, which middle school did that bastard come from?’

Fuck you- you sons of bitches. I can hear everything.

If you look to the right, there are rows of stylish mansions, and if you look to the left, there’s a neighborhood that smells like a damp rag. The place where I have to rot for three years was an old public high school. The chair that made a sound of screws loosening even with the slightest movement was terrible, but it was bearable to some extent because things more wicked than Satan were filling a space of about 25 pyeong.

I had never experienced regret in my life, but today I regretted it for the first time.

Hitting Jo Je-wook was a mistake.

I didn’t know things would get this big. That I would have to leave the neighborhood. But it’s not hopeless. It’s been a long time since my life has gone the way I wanted it to, so it’s been a long time since I’ve acted without thinking about the aftermath.

“To move because of that, they’re crazy people.”

Just that one punch tore Jo Je-wook’s vocal cords. Jo Je-wook, who has to live with a metallic sound for the rest of his life, was a comedy in itself, but the district assemblyman Jo Gyeong-cheol seemed to have a slightly different point of laughter than me. He hardened his face and trembled in front of me. He said that his son was afraid to go to school with my son, so he didn’t want the schools to overlap, and I thought it was childish.

Then he should have educated his son well from the start. That son of a bitch, really.

Still, the noble Catholic believer Yohan decided to take a step back. In the end, I had to leave the district and move. I got a little angry about that and said some harsh things at Christmas, but now that I think about it, it was nothing more than bravado, so I don’t want to think about it again.

Go Rosa said something to me that day with a pale face.

‘You sociopathic bastard. No one in this world will ever like a piece of trash like you, and you’ll never be able to love someone in your life. You’ll live like that forever.’

Sociopath, he says. Some middle schooler lost in his fantasies.

No, but it’s true, isn’t it? What did I do wrong? That bastard insulted me first, and I only committed self-defense—. Why do I have to be the one getting scolded?

Ah, there’s one reason. Jo Je-wook’s parents love Jo Je-wook so much that they stayed in their original place, and my parents hate me, so they don’t even think about my pride. I’m only realizing the obvious now.

Then how do I survive three years in this inescapable filth? While I was worrying, early summer was approaching.

No. Hitting Jo Je-wook might have been a good thing.

As if someone turned off the power, my thoughts stopped. The broken radio repeated only one word. My throat became hot as if it were burning. Voices that couldn’t escape seethed in my uvula.

I witnessed a white bird. A heron walking through the sewer with long legs stretched its neck. I ended up discovering a white bird of unknown origin looking at me. I could clearly see myself reflected in its light brown eyes. The moment I strained my eyes to see more clearly, the surroundings turned black and white.

“……”

That bastard definitely said something while looking at me.

Only he was shining in a brilliant white color. He turned his head and whispered something to his friend, and the world stopped.

The conditions for the miracle were special. A slightly bent white neck from looking down at the heavily flawed tableware, a hand with faint blue veins, a sharp nose, thick double eyelids that disappeared and reappeared every time he blinked, plump lips that protruded slightly, a school uniform buttoned up to the last button, and ankles with particularly prominent anklebones were all necessary for this miracle to occur.

Seventeen, welcoming early summer. White snow fell in the cafeteria at a time when evergreens were about to bloom.

I still remember it vividly. He frowned the whole time as if he didn’t like the utensils in his hand, then put them back in the utensil container, and then frowned again before taking out the spoon that was at the very back and placing it on his tray. He looked around, as if he was satisfied, and even wiggled on his tiptoes.

“……Excuse me.”

In my anxiety, the tray I was holding fell to the floor, but I couldn’t even hear the loud noise. First, I groped around. I have a duty to know who he is. As soon as I grabbed a firm piece of flesh, I hurriedly asked without even knowing who the owner was.

“Who’s that?”

“Huh?”

“That……”

“What are you saying, you fucking bastard. Let go. You son of a bitch. I almost dropped my tonkatsu, you dog.”

“Who is he?”

From the voice, it was Kim Min-ho. There’s no way this rotten, dead-eyed pig would know. I hurriedly pointed my finger at him as he disappeared into the distance. Then Kim Min-ho, as if understanding, exclaimed and told me a name.

“That’s Han Jun-woo. That bastard.”

“Han Jun-woo?”

“That bastard’s pretty famous these days. Why, are you getting nervous now that you see him? He looks a bit unusual, doesn’t he?”

“……Han Jun-woo. You said Han Jun-woo.”

“Why are you asking again? Damn, you can’t not know him. Huh? I’ve told you so many times. So many times! Hey, that bastard’s the most cocky guy in the East Wing these days. The Sex King bastard. He’s crazy about girls. Fucking bastard.”

Han-Jun-woo. Han Jun-woo. An uncomfortable feeling lingered around my lips. The snow that had fallen in early summer had already melted. Only a sticky feeling remained in the playground, leaving behind only a viscous emotion.

“Fuck.”

I didn’t think he was like that, but he’s a thug. He pretends to be all clean and lives like a slut. I felt disgusted that I had been watching a bastard like that so closely, and my stomach churned. That dirty Satan’s whore bastard. A fourth-class parasite living in the sewer.

My anger didn’t subside even after I finished eating lunch. I couldn’t even finish my meal and just left it somewhere on the table and stormed out. I felt disgusted because I saw something dirty from lunch. Shit.

Han Jun-woo of the East Wing. A name that had been bothering me since I entered school was now etched in my mind. I had ignored it a few times, but the name kept being mentioned, so I remembered it. There was a rumor that if there’s Go Yohan in the West Wing, there’s Han Jun-woo in the East Wing. That he’s a bastard who’s on my level.

What do you mean he’s on my level? How could a slut like that be mentioned in the same breath as my name?

But the other bastards misinterpreted my pure intentions as competitiveness. This is a huge misunderstanding.

“Yohan finally asked me about Han Jun-woo’s name. The bastard even called him Han Soon-woo or asked me if it was Ahn Woo-jun last time, didn’t he? He pretended not to be interested, but he finally asked, didn’t he? You must be feeling a sense of crisis when you see his face, right? That bastard looks a bit extraordinary.”

Recently, Kim Min-ho has started to act up. He keeps mentioning names in front of me that I don’t want to hear at all and making a fuss. Now he keeps waving his smelly hand in front of my face, and it’s getting out of hand. But I was tormented by the conviction that came to me as soon as I saw Han Jun-woo, so I kept my mouth shut. I’m so ashamed I could die. I was so angry that I couldn’t stand the thought that I had such thoughts when I saw that bastard.

“Anyway, he’s a flashy guy. Han Jun-woo, that bastard. He takes his panties off as soon as he sees a girl. They say he’s been having sex since before he had hair on his dick? His positions are flashy too. Missionary position, doggy style, scissor position, he’s a master at fucking girls.”

“Does that bastard even have any Ejaculate left?”

“Look at his face, man! Huh? Ah, damn it—. I don’t usually admit this, but that bastard’s kind of handsome. He’s got a face that makes you want to put it in even if it’s not hard. He must have folded some soft clay and put it in well.”

“Ah. Fuck. I imagined it. That must be so painful.”

Folding his dick like clay and putting it in? With that face? He’s a seriously crazy bastard……. Looking at it now, he was a pervert with plenty of reasons to hate him. Han Jun-woo, that bastard. That shameless bastard was mocking me. I definitely made eye contact with him. But he ignored me and pretended not to, looking at that damn spoon. It was on purpose. It was on purpose.

Let’s make it clear. Whether that slut was looking at me or not. Why he was looking at me. I can’t stand being curious. No, it’s not that he wasn’t looking, he was looking. I just need to confirm that that bastard saw my face. It’s the break between third period now. Just one more period, just one more period and it’ll be over. I’ll go down as soon as class ends like I did then. Then I’ll be able to witness that bastard looking at me.

Then? If I see him? Then what? ……I’ll smash his face. As payback for screwing me over. For daring to be mentioned in the same breath as my name and acting like a whore.

“Yohan, don’t you have a big dick too? Shouldn’t you go on a toilet tour to protect your reputation?”

“He’s ignoring you right now? He’s blatantly dissing you. Kim Min-ho. That’s so pathetic.”

“Dissing? Huh? Huh, look at this bastard. Huh, damn it. He’s making me lose it. Huh? Hey, hey! What does this fucking bastard think he’s doing……. It’s not true!”

“Hey, hey! Move. The bell rang.”

“That son of a bitch is acting all innocent and coy. Don’t flutter! Don’t flutter and go when the teacher comes, okay? Hey, can’t you sit next to me in class today? Aang, aang!”

“Stop talking nonsense and get lost. Ah! Move! Let go! I have to go to my seat!”

Now there’s only one period left, just one period.

I cracked my neck. I felt a sense of coolness along with the cracking sound. Ah, now my head’s working a bit. Yeah, that bastard’s face was okay. But I’ve always hated bastards like that. Guys with light asses who stick their dicks in every hole. I want to see that face collapse as soon as possible to feel relieved.

Class? I couldn’t hear anything in class. The only thing I heard was the sound of time passing. It was a truly amazing and unsurprising thing. The sound of time passing was the same as the sound of pages turning. My textbook is covered in yellow highlighter, though. Damn it, the ink’s not coming out anymore.

I’ll let you out five minutes early today. Wait a bit and leave when the bell rings.

As soon as the English teacher finished speaking, I threw down my highlighter. It seems to have fallen somewhere under the floor, but it’s not my problem. I spread my fingers wide and put them on the desk. The yellow ink smeared between my middle and index fingers was annoying.

Yohan, are you going to leave early again today? Let’s leave a minute early. You don’t need to listen to the English teacher.

I nodded for now at the words of someone I didn’t even know.

The English teacher didn’t even think about monitoring us in the first place. She was just delivering the officially announced time. Just five minutes. Every time I thought about that bastard during those five minutes, the vivid memories gradually faded.

He looked so short. A loser who seemed shorter than average is having sex. Crazy. What’s he doing with his status? He looks like he’d start crying right away if I punched him once.

A rough hand pulled on my shoulder. I might have asked what it was normally, but I just blankly followed and got up.

Go Yohan, run!

Strangely, the pigs were smiling brightly today, running heavily through the hallway. I usually hate this. I hate seeing them act like midges obsessed with food. Is it because I hate it? My heart beat violently every time I ran down the stairs.

Damn it, we’re on a first-come, first-served basis! It’s pork ribs today! You bastards know to get the meat in your rice bowls, right? Any bastards who get meat in a tiny bowl are dead. Huh? Got it?

When I finally arrived at the cafeteria, there were only about thirty people there. I quickly scanned the faces, but Han Jun-woo wasn’t there. He’s not there. He’s really not there. The violent pounding gradually subsided, and soon it quietly faded as if it had never pounded in the first place. Damn it, then why did I run here?

Actually, I didn’t need to come now to confirm that that bastard was watching me.

“What the fuck.”

I roughly shook my head. I ran here like a pig and what am I doing now. My mind gradually returned in a place where disgusting food smells were mixed together. I completely lost my appetite.

The moment I raised my hand to grab a tray, the dirty yellow ink caught my eye. At that moment, I fell into a tank filled with water called ‘reality check.’

“What have I done.”

“That’s right! What are you doing? Hey, hey, hey! Don’t block the kids’ way and get your food quickly. Can’t you see the kids can’t eat? The third-year students are coming soon, so hurry up and grab a seat, huh? You fucking bastard. This bastard has no manners. You have to get it as fast as me. So fast.”

Damn it, when did Kim Min-ho get here? He even got all the side dishes with steaming steam on his tray. And what’s Kim Seok-min doing, greedily scooping up rice behind him? The pathetic sight made me feel even more disgusted. I stuck out my tongue as if I was about to throw up and turned around.

“I’m just not going to eat lunch.”

“Hey, you fucking bastard-! Don’t you come here! Does that bastard want to get hit!”

“……Min-ho, that’s a bit much, isn’t it?”

The neat wire in my head was crumpled in an instant. I’ve felt this before, but Kim Min-ho, that bastard. He’s been acting up, hasn’t he? He hurts his friends and his way of speaking is disgusting when he subtly lowers his tone to those who are lower than him, and he subtly elevates Han Jun-woo…… He’s kind of annoying.

“Yeah, you, you fucking bastard. I even put a seat in front of you. What? You’re not going to eat?”

“Min-ho.”

I turned my body back around and walked towards Kim Min-ho. I hate that he’s the same height as me, so our eyes are at the same level, and he has no manners in his speech.

“I’ve been thinking about this since the beginning of the semester, but why are you so harsh? You hurt people because of you.”

Friends should get along well. You fucking bastard. Of course, I’m not his friend.

I got closer and brought my face close until my forehead was almost touching his. Kim Min-ho’s warmth was unpleasantly close, but I could endure the disgust because I enjoyed seeing his arrogant eyes gradually dying. I grabbed the end of the tray with my hand covered in yellow ink and pulled it down.

“……”

“……”

The hand tightly gripping the tray faltered, unable to overcome my strength. The tilted tray spat out hot soup and dyed his shirt, which looked like it hadn’t been washed for days, brown. It must have been hot. That was also enjoyable, and the corners of my mouth twitched. I looked at Kim Min-ho without blinking. His eyes, which had been glaring with stubbornness, shook once, and his gaze turned downwards.

Ah, you idiot. Only then did I openly raise the corners of my mouth and flick Kim Min-ho’s tray with my finger. It’s more fun to see him awkwardly avoid the spilling soup.

“Even if we’re friends, you have to respect each other. What kind of words are those? You hurt people, you bastard.”

“No, if you weren’t going to eat, you should have said so in advance……. You bastard…….”

“Why would I? Are you my mom?”

That’s absurd. Why would I? Kim Min-ho mumbled something in response to my words. But wasn’t it not worth listening to anymore? And I’ve already said everything I wanted to say. It’s enough that I stood up for the cause. Wow, I just did something really good. This was definitely an event worthy of going to heaven. Doing good deeds makes you feel good after all.

I took a step back with a light heart and grabbed something that looked like spinach from Kim Min-ho’s side dishes with my unwashed hand. I grabbed it with a good heart. To tell him to lose some weight. Green vegetables were intertwined in my hand covered in yellow ink. I carefully placed it on top of the ribs and stirred it a little. I wiped the oil that had gotten on it on Kim Min-ho’s uniform.

It’s so fun to see his face collapse like this. That’s why he was making a fuss about getting hit. Min-ho.

“Just eat rice and kimchi today. You’re about to get foot-and-mouth disease. You know I said that with good intentions, right? I love you.”

“Hey, you fucking bastard, hey, you man, do you think I can’t eat this?”

“You’re going to eat this? Wow, our Min-ho isn’t just any pig. He’s a very great pig. He even eats his own kind so greedily. Come to think of it, isn’t there meat from your younger sibling here too?”

“Huh? Huh! Huh! There is! Eat it! You fucking bastard. Eat it! I’m going to eat it! Eat it!”

“Okay. Enjoy your meal.”

He’s so sensitive. But it’s okay. Because I can see a hint of apology. Then I have the generosity to forgive him. Where’s someone as kind as me? I’m so kind. I wiped my hand on Kim Min-ho’s uniform again and turned my steps. A blurry impression next to me, who I had some memories of playing with, suddenly spoke up.

“Go Yohan, are you really not going to eat?”

“Yeah. I said I’m not going to eat…….”

I was about to open my mouth with the intention of answering because we were in the same class.

I met him. Really. This time, for real. A white bird flowing through the black water was looking at me. Han Jun-woo was among the third-year students who had gathered before I knew it. His double eyelids, which seemed slightly swollen than yesterday, closed and opened.

“…….”

It seems like someone is talking to me right now. What did they say? Why was he looking at me?

How can that bastard look like that? The thick double eyelids that are clearly revealed every time he blinks, the long white neck, the plump lips that move softly every time he mumbles, the jet-black hair that contrasts with his white face, the hands that are often covered by his clothes, the slender fingers, and the cheeks that bulge every time he moves are all strange and peculiar. Damn it, how can a person look like that?

A black gaze scanned me in a long moment. Then he pretended not to and turned his head. And the moment he completely showed only the back of his head, the sound of the crowd poured over my head.

“…….”

Waaah. The sound of trays hitting utensils. A herd of pigs hitting and passing me. My body faltered as if someone had hit my back. Ah, shit. I quickly raised my eyes and looked at the clock. It was 15 minutes after lunch had started.

Am I crazy? Why is my mind about to go crazy like I have dementia? Ah, that’s right. I had dementia.

“Uh…….”

Why did the adolescent Go Yohan fall down the stairs in the early morning? Thanks to that, the back of my head was crushed like tofu. Clearly, the Go Yohan before that was brilliant. Now I’m a centipede with thousands of legs. A red centipede that lived in the toilet and floated to death in the toilet water.

Han Jun-woo shook the shoulder of the bastard standing in front of him. What are you doing? Anyway, he’s just a guy with a dick…….

At the same time, he glanced at me. It was just a fleeting moment, but I clearly saw it. His eyes are neither big nor small, but his pupils are subtly shining with a light brown color. And I read malice in that gaze. I don’t know what it is or why he’s looking at me like that, but I’m so angry.

Damn it, he’s looking like that, but why is he looking at me with those eyes?

It had become a habit for the seventeen-year-old to return home late at night. It was an age when you didn’t want to go home. I dared to call this period ‘storm and stress.’ Anyway, even if I went home, there was no one to look for me. So, it’s only natural to go where there are many people looking for me. That’s logic.

I meet kids introduced by classmates, kids whose names I don’t even remember. Think of it as disposable friendship. I liked it and didn’t feel uncomfortable. I hate deep friendships. Because someday, everyone will hate me. It’s obvious. That’s the kind of existence I am.

Like that, I talked by chance, hung out by chance, and suddenly felt like shit, so I came back. There’s a certain moment when those bastards’ eyes change. Then my conversation is over.

On the way home, it was already dark, and a gloomy night had arrived. The neighborhood to the left, based on the school. I always stopped by a run-down four-story building that looked just like me. The building, covered in dust as if it hadn’t been rented out for a long time, was full of cigarette butts and soju bottles.

The door is locked with glass, but if you pull on one of the first-floor windows, one of them is always open. Someone has been coming and going. There’s no elevator, and it’s just an awkward height. The fact that there’s even a bathroom in the semi-basement is just like that Go Yohan, you fucking bastard.

“Yohan. Indecent exposure is a serious crime.”

Life is already fucked up, so death can’t be fucked up too. At least in death, I should go to a happy place. Heaven is supposed to be a happy place for everyone.

Dragging my tired body, I jumped over the fence and entered the building. Going down the dirty stairs, there’s a bathroom with the lights off. I walked sluggishly and leaned my forehead against the mirror, which was broken and couldn’t reflect my image properly. I hate the thousands of Go Yohans reflected in the stained mirror.

“Why are your eyelashes so long? It’s annoying.”

Because of this, shadows are created in my eyes, making me look even more disgusting. I also hate my thin hair, which gets slightly curly when it rains. My sunken eyes are terrible, and my unnecessarily large features that cast shadows are disgusting.

As I leaned my forehead against the mirror, a throbbing moan vibrated against my skin from somewhere through the wall.

Ah, ahhh. Ugh. Ah……. Ah, ahhh, AHH! Ack!

Staring at myself in the mirror, I stuck out my lower lip.

“Who’s fucking in this garbage dump……. Bugs will get into every hole.”

That’s how abandoned buildings that haven’t been rented out for years are. The owner has probably lost hope by now. So, he doesn’t even know that his property is full of garbage, sex, cigarettes, alcohol, and violence. Han Jun-woo said he had his first sex in a middle school bathroom.

But did that bastard even think about having sex in a place like that?

Ah, AHHHH! Ack! Ack ack! AHH! AHHHH! Ack! Ack ack!

The egret that had been dormant in my memory opened its eyes. Thick eyebrows and neatly trimmed hair lifted thick double eyelids. Dark brown eyes were faintly visible between the flesh. That bastard lowered the toilet lid and then stood up his dick somewhere and started piston-stroking. I vividly remembered the scene of him shaking his hips without even realizing that his shirt was falling off, revealing his shoulders. Then, a distorted smile burst out due to an unknown feeling.

It’s my first time imagining someone else having sex, and it feels kind of strange.

“That’s what happens when you don’t follow public place rules. You shameless bastard.”

I took my forehead off the stained and cracked mirror. And I went into the stall where that son of a bitch was going in and jacking off. The door was torn off.

I put my fingers into the dense black hair on the crown of his head and grabbed it as if to tear it apart. The bastard, who had been shaking his hips, was startled and tried to turn his head. But that wouldn’t be fun. I was already in a bad mood. I pressed his head forward with force so he couldn’t see me. His body, as vivid as reality, groaned and bent over. It was so vivid that I could feel the pain when he scratched the back of my hand with his fingernails.

How would he cry? I wish he would cry with tears and snot, his face turning red. That would make me feel better. I chuckled and kicked the protruding ankle a little harder with my toe. My foot, wearing indoor shoes, slipped on the floor, which was dirty with all sorts of filth. Looking at the legs spread out in front of me, I suddenly thought. What an ideal triangle.

I pulled hard on the tightly gripped hair and slammed his white face into the dirty tiles. Violently, until blood burst out. Since I didn’t know his voice, he didn’t scream at all and just fell forward. The sound of his face slamming straight into the water tank was loud. Only then was I satisfied and let go of his hair.

Is sex that good? To want to do it even in a place like this.

“It’s barbaric. Not even an animal.”

The hand wearing the Rosary moved. The pathetic cripple who had fallen in front of me was already unconscious.

He needs to be careful about his behavior.

That was the conclusion I came to from the imagination I had last night. A guy who looks like he can’t fight at all is running around with his lower body acting so rough, he might become some crazy person’s cum dumpster. He might actually pass out with his pants off and show his holes to everyone.

That’s how life is. You never know what will happen. You might end up living buried in sewage like me.

“I need to tell him to live his life right.”

I’m not usually such a nosy person. I’m not. But I have to say something. To live his life right. I’m not usually such a nosy person……. I touched the Rosary every time I took a step. I’m enlightening him. To live right.

The atmosphere in the East Wing was awkward. The structure would be the same as the West Wing, but there was a strange smell somewhere. It wasn’t difficult to find out Han Jun-woo’s class. As you know, Han Jun-woo was quite famous. As much as me.

“You slut.”

I gripped the Rosary as if to tear it apart. But that path is not his path. Fate has told me. He should walk a more virtuous path. That is his right path. It’s a little late, but maybe it’s not too late to turn back. First, I have to give him advice directly. To not live his life like that……. And…….

And…….

I scratched the Rosary with my fingernails, and a rough sensation rose up. Before I knew it, the destination was in sight. I stopped thinking and tapped the wall with my hand. Yes, he needs to be more virtuous. I’m helping him. I……. Right now…….

An urgent feeling surged up. That promiscuous slut might be having dirty sex with someone else in the bathroom again. So, I grabbed any bastard who was about to enter that class and asked.

“Call Han Jun-woo for me.”

The bastard I grabbed looked at me and nodded, saying “Ah!” to himself. What is he doing.

“Just a moment.”

From then on, something below my stomach pounded violently, as if hitting a desk with a fist. Just a moment. In a moment, Han Jun-woo will come out of this class, look at my face, and say something. I grabbed the cross on the Rosary with one hand. What should I say? How should I persuade him?

Should I ask him to go to church with me? Then I’ll see him every weekend. If that happens, we’ll become friends. If we become friends, what will we do? What else but scold him.

The plan I came up with while leaning against the wall was satisfactory. A perfect scenario for taking in a poor lamb. Then we’ll easily become good friends. For the time being, let’s stop doing things like relieving stress like before. It’s not too late to relieve stress after we become close friends.

I was uneasy. But I was confident. There was no reason. That’s just what I felt the moment I saw him. As I clenched and unclenched my hands, solid indoor shoes came into my view. As if looking for me. It was like chewing and swallowing cotton candy floating in the sky.

But the moment I raised my head, what came was not him, but bewilderment and displeasure.

“What is it? Why were you looking for me?”

“Who are you?”

It was a face I had never seen before. I’m not looking for you right now. As I frowned, he spoke first.

“Han Jun-woo.”

“…….”

“I’m Han Jun-woo. You said you were looking for me.”

“Why are you Han Jun-woo?”

“What are you talking about, you retard?”

“That can’t, that can’t be.”

“What can’t be? Did you come to pick a fight with me?”

“Then.”

By any chance, do you know a guy with white skin and a high nose? There’s a guy who looks white because he doesn’t see the sunlight. The kids said that guy was Han Jun-woo. My mouth, which should have been babbling, didn’t move at all. Why would I say that? If you’re Han Jun-woo, then who is he? Is he a ghost or something, fuck! My head, in a state of confusion, chattered noisily. Finally, the words that struggled to rise up my throat were completely different.

“No, never mind.”

“Ha, is this guy training people like dogs? Crazy bastard.”

The guy who claimed to be the real Han Jun-woo became increasingly blurry in my memory. Even though he was right in front of me. The most famous Han Jun-woo in the East Wing. The Han Jun-woo who had become more famous than Go Yohan. The Han Jun-woo whose track record was so colorful that he couldn’t be forgotten even if he wanted to be. That bastard was covered by him. Then who is he?

I grabbed my confused head and turned around, walking down the hallway. I was only looking at the stairs leading to the only passage connected to the West Wing, after passing one class.

“Han Jun-woo. I’m not going to do your homework for you anymore. How long are you going to keep relying on me?”

I smelled the scent of a blue pine tree standing tall in the east. Pine cones must have been ringing too. The hand that I glimpsed, probably just out of the bathroom, was wet. The smaller height, which was closer, was approaching me.

“Uh…….”

I hurriedly raised the hand that had been touching the Rosary. The moment I raised my hand in the air, a small breeze blew, and he brushed past me. I blankly turned my body and looked in the direction he was heading.

He approached Han Jun-woo and said something. It was hard to hear clearly, mixed with the noise of people talking.

The Han Jun-woo bastard smiled, and he seemed angry and shook off the water from his hand. Soon after, Han Jun-woo put his hand on his shoulder, and the two of them went into the class. Even though the bell for the next class was ringing, my feet didn’t leave the hallway.

“Crazy, fuck! Fucking!”

My face is hot.

Fuck, that bastard.

I was soaked in a shame that was enough to drive me crazy. I had been thinking about what to say, I had roughly decided……. We made eye contact, didn’t we. Right. I had thought about what to say to you in advance. Why, why did he pass me by without even looking at me. Did he ignore me?

Knowing me. Knowing who I am. He definitely knows who I am. That can’t be.

I clenched my hand. My short, trimmed fingernails dug into the palm of my hand. Soon, I opened one hand and pressed down on my mouth and chin wildly. Which bastard said he was Han Jun-woo. Which bastard.

“Which bastard…….”

The chaotic emotions traced back to my memory. Who was it. It was a bastard who was a bit bigger. Ah, Kim Min-ho. Kim Min-ho, Kim Min-ho, that bastard. That bastard!

The increasingly silent air in the hallway seemed to be mocking me. No, it was definitely mocking me. He, he definitely glanced at me with a pathetic look. No, it was definitely true. It’s all because of that Kim Min-ho, that bastard.

I fled the hallway as if escaping from humiliation. With every step, everything in the world was strangling my neck. Pathetic. You pathetic bastard.

As soon as I returned to the classroom, I witnessed Kim Min-ho glancing at me and avoiding my gaze. I lost my reason at that irresponsibility. Was there a teacher? I don’t know. Probably not. First, I have to punish that Kim Min-ho, that bastard. You mean bastard. Are you making fun of people?

I ran straight to the middle of the classroom and kicked the leg of the chair Kim Min-ho was sitting on. With a sickening sound, the heavy body fell spectacularly.

“Hey, you crazy fucking…… bastard, what are you suddenly doing!”

It seemed like a few people who collided with him also rolled under the chair, but that’s not my concern. Who should be frowning? I was going crazy wanting to crush that face, which dared to frown first, with my foot.

“Stop it! Hey! AHH! Fuck, I said stop it! Stop it!”

I want to mash that grotesque face like mud. I want to kill him. The impulse led my body as it was. I lifted my foot and stomped on Kim Min-ho’s nose accurately with all my strength.

“Uh, ugh!”

Something bulging in the middle of the sole of my foot touched. Aha. It’s his nose. Only then did I feel a little relieved. I put my weight on it and twisted it all the way to my ankle, and a catharsis washed over me.

“Han Jun-woo? Han Jun-woo? You fucking bastard, who’s Han Jun-woo. Fuck! Because of you…….”

“Ack! AHH!”

“I was so…… embarrassed I wanted to die…….”

I got angry again. It wasn’t enough to mash his face. I lifted my foot again and stomped on his neck. I put my weight on it and pressed down on his Adam’s apple with my heel. Then Kim Min-ho’s face turned blue and he coughed. But I’m still not relieved. I looked around and saw a box cutter on a nearby desk. Ah, that’s it.

“That…….”

I kicked Kim Min-ho’s neck and grabbed the knife on the desk. And I pushed the box cutter with my thumb and pulled out the blade a little.

“You, you, you bastard! What are you doing right now!”

Someone grabbed my shoulder and pushed me away. It was the Homeroom Teacher. That’s how my lecture ended unfinished.

Damn it, the Homeroom Teacher was furious and nagged me for days. Over just that little thing. Kids can fight a little. Kim Min-ho, of all people, didn’t blame me for what happened then, and he became very quiet during class, and he even apologized to me, so what’s the problem?

Anyway, it was kind of funny. The Homeroom Teacher’s tone became increasingly gentle as the days went by. I listened to the Homeroom Teacher’s words, who was now forcibly lowering his voice, with one ear and let them out the other, thinking. Ah, she finally got a call from my mother.

My child is originally a bit spoiled and still a child. You know my child is a fast-year student. That’s why his growth is slower than other kids.

She must have said that. Ugh, predictable.

When I got tired of the same repertoire that was so boring now and fell into other thoughts, the smell of cigarettes and coffee mixed together wafted into my nose. Look at that rotten breath coming out. What a fragrant rotten smell. I was dying trying to hold back the curse words.

But exactly the next day. The day after, all the annoyance evaporated.

One small document. Just that one thing was the cause.

“Yohan, you have to start with the first button right. Your mother asked me to do this too.”

“…….”

“Where are you looking? Ah, the list of excellent students? Yes, Yohan. You should be on this too. You can do it too. Your grades aren’t that bad either. Your mother said you used to study well when you were young.”

“Teacher Min-sung. Do you have a moment?”

The Homeroom Teacher made a troubled expression at the call of a young Teacher shouting from afar, not knowing that I was in a consultation. Judging by the expression, it was a request that couldn’t be refused. Something more urgent than my consultation. The Homeroom Teacher eventually said, “Just a moment,” and got up. I was blankly looking at the desk, so I don’t know what kind of expression the Homeroom Teacher made.

A white face floats roundly on the white paper. That face was a bit distant, expressionless.

“……Kang Jun.”

Kaang-Jun. Surname Kang, name Jun. It was Jun.

Taking advantage of the fact that no one was watching me, I took out my cell phone. An artificial mechanical sound spread softly within the crowded faculty room.

There were no bugs in the newly moved-in mansion. But you never know, they might be hiding somewhere. That’s how bugs usually are. When the lights are on, they hold their breath and hide, and then they appear at night when everyone is asleep, moving dozens of legs. Until the moment when they fill all the shadows of the mansion with bug eggs.

It’s been quite a while since I ate with my family. I refused first, and they accepted. It was from the time when my grades started to plummet like a collapsing tower.

That’s right. Father said that.

‘I don’t know why I have to raise you. Go Yohan.’

Because I’m your child. You fucking bastard. I muttered inaudibly with my head bowed. My stomach churned at those words, so I declared a hunger strike in a fit of anger.

The shredded report card fell like petals on the carpet.

You were the bug.

I also heard those words. Not even knowing how scary bugs are.

I should step on and kill someone like you.

Is it a hallucination?

I sometimes hear such hallucinations whenever the back of my head feels numb. The back of my head feels numb because I fell down the stairs in the middle of the night in middle school and the back of my head was broken. I still resent myself for that day. Because my grades plummeted after that.

Why did I go down the stairs then? No matter how much I think about it, I can’t remember.

And after the accident, I often couldn’t suppress the seething impulses. My brain must have broken when the back of my head was broken. Because I lived a week of forgetting what I remembered and forgetting a day after a day passed. That’s why I’m living in this shape and form now. Just like right now.

Eleven o’clock. It was when dawn was starting to open its eyes.

“I saw your entrance exam scores.”

Father often talks to me when no one else is around. Today, it was in the darkened dining room. I was eating dinner at eleven, and Father, still in his suit, appeared with an empty glass. It’s not really scary, but seeing Father’s hands, watch, and glass made my whole body stiffen.

“Eating like a dog without any conscience, Go Yohan.”

“…….”

“Do you even know… how you can comfortably eat in my house?”

The ice inside the glass clattered loudly. Following the sound, I turned my eyes to meet a gaze full of endless contempt, strangling my throat.

“If you’re going to vent your anger, step on someone you can step on. Don’t just pick on annoying bastards.”

The swollen, cold rice cake wouldn’t go down my throat. I didn’t feel like eating anything, so I put down my fork. Why come all the way here just to watch me eat? I scratched my pants with my fingernails. He could have told an employee to do it, so why come all the way here to get ice water? He must want to torment me.

Father is jealous of me. At least, I believe so. There’s no other reason for him to act like this. I look exactly like Father, and Father is jealous of my youth. Thinking that way made me feel better.

The water with ice rumbled down his large Adam’s apple. I looked away from the bloated, cheap tteokbokki and looked at Father. Father was drinking the ice water, looking down at me. His eyes were cold, as if he were looking at a bug. Since when did Father look at me like that? Clink. The glass was carefully placed on the table.

“Don’t skip meals.”

His wrinkled hand lightly tapped the edge of the glass, and the glass tilted and rolled towards me. Father didn’t seem to care where the glass went, just like how he treats me.

His broad body left the dining room. I just watched the glass roll. Just watched. The glass soon lost its place to roll and fell to the floor with a crash.

I glanced at the scattered shards of glass and started eating again.

In a world where the winter frost hadn’t yet faded, I developed a hobby: observing Kang Jun. It was the only thing that brought me joy. Kang Jun was that unique.

Kang Jun was somewhat famous. All that was known was that he was at the top of his class. I heard he had good enough grades to get into a special purpose high school. But why didn’t he go? Weird bastard. Doesn’t he have the money? He doesn’t exactly look like that kind of guy.

His clothes, always perfectly ironed, were clear evidence that someone was taking care of him every day. When the sunlight hit it, his unique, deep black hair shone like water flowing in a valley. His skin was also the typical complexion of a well-fed, well-off kid. So, Kang Jun has money. Then wouldn’t he live in the same neighborhood as me? That’s the only well-off neighborhood around here.

I picked up my phone and focused the lens on Kang Jun. And I took a picture without thinking. His protruding lips sucked the green ice cream from the bottom up. Shit, why does he eat ice cream like that? Is he a pervert? The ticklish feeling inside me was so awful that I crossed my legs. With the hand not holding the phone, I frantically rolled my Rosary.

Summer, with its cicadas, arrived. As the season came, summer also came to my body.

But the reason he was famous wasn’t because he was good at studying. There were plenty of other smart bastards in this school. The real reason he was famous was because of that damn Han Jun-woo. Han Jun-woo’s lackey. A boring, goody-two-shoes who’s always stuck to the side of the popular Han Jun-woo, sucking his dick as much as possible.

Still, he’s nice. He’s just nice, that’s why. He’s so goody-two-shoes that he can’t cross the line, but he follows Han Jun-woo around like crazy. Doesn’t he seem like an opportunist?

I learned about Kang Jun around the time that rumor started.

This time, I zoomed in on the camera with a slightly warmer feeling. The small screen captured a long scene of him sucking on a popsicle. This time it was a video.

“I guess he’s good at sucking.”

Summer, when even glass seemed to melt. I held my phone with both hands and watched a male high school student eating a popsicle. Very carefully.

A male high school student sucking on a melting popsicle. A fire hydrant. A cat. Ankles with clear anklebones. A male high school student who does the recycling twice a week. It’s strange. Why? He only needs to do it once a week. Is he covering for someone? My thoughts always wander off somewhere else. My concentration is so worthless.

A male high school student standing still and looking at the sky. There’s nothing to see here. Why would I watch that? Annoyed, I looked up at the sky too. Ah. The cloud shape looks exactly like a whale. I took a picture of the cloud while I was at it.

A male high school student smiling while standing between friends. He has a faint dimple on one side of his cheek when he smiles. What’s so funny? I turned the lens to find the cause of the laughter.

“…….”

It was really Han Jun-woo. Did that bastard say something funny? How did he make him laugh? What could he possibly say that’s funny?

“……Why is he laughing.”

Kang-Jun. Kaaang-Jun.

The evaluations of Kang Jun, who became increasingly famous while hanging out with Han Jun-woo, were quite harsh. An inherently boring, stubborn bastard. A moron who’s always serious when everyone else is having fun. A coward who subtly slips away when things get exciting. And he’s subtly rude to mediocre guys, which makes him even more annoying.

In an all-boys school, a boring guy is worse than a bad guy.

However, the guys who hate bad guys hang out with him. Because he’s good at studying, and because his family has money. I knew it, he’s a rich kid.

And I was secretly disappointed in him. How can he live without playing pranks? I gave that pushover nerd a minus for the first time. I actively agree with the opinions of the kids who hate bad people. I hate guys who are always serious when everyone else is having fun the most. Just like Choi Sung-hyun.

After lunch, the fact that I came up with a good idea near the cafeteria must have been a divine revelation to prank this bastard. I immediately decided to follow the revelation.

“Sung-hyun, I can’t open this. Can you open it for me?”

“What did you just say? You can’t open a plastic bottle cap? Yohan is a wimp.”

“Yes, I’m a wimp.”

It’s not like I’m going to do something bad. It’s just a prank. I like pranks.

I tightened my grip on the bottle as Choi Sung-hyun tried to snatch it away. Seeing that the bottle wouldn’t slip out of my hand even when he pulled it made me chuckle. Ah, I’m already laughing just imagining what’s going to happen. What should I do?

Choi Sung-hyun’s efforts to take the bottle ultimately came to nothing. I couldn’t help but laugh at his face, which was suspicious of my actions in not giving him the bottle, and I let out a snort.

“What? Why are you laughing?”

“I have rhinitis.”

“You have rhinitis?”

I waved my hand lightly. Then I nodded the head of the bottle towards Choi Sung-hyun.

“Hurry up and open it for me. I’m thirsty.”

“Ah, shit. You’re really annoying. It’s ten thousand won to open this.”

“O-kay.”

“This isn’t cider, is it?”

This time, I made a circle with my hand. Choi Sung-hyun smiled brightly at my hand and forcefully twisted the bottle cap. Click-. The bottle cap, which had never been opened before, opened easily. Choi Sung-hyun shrugged his shoulders with a slightly proud expression, and I finally burst into the laughter I had been holding back.

At the same time, I squeezed the hand holding the bottle hard. The plastic was crushed miserably in my hand, and the water that had lost its home sprayed out and miserably soaked Choi Sung-hyun’s proud face.

“Haha, ahahaha!”

“What, it-! Shit!”

“Wow, crazy, Yohan. Did that bastard really fall for it? Ah, shit, he’s such a moron! He fell for this!”

Euhahaha. Malicious laughter erupted simultaneously. The audience, who had been waiting for my prank, were happy to enjoy it. I said that I would buy a water bottle and proudly spray it on Choi Sung-hyun. Everyone waited for my plan and liked it. The greatest happiness for the greatest number. Utilitarian happiness had arrived in the classroom.

“You surprised me. You bastard!”

Soon, Choi Sung-hyun erased his embarrassment and laughed along. He must be having fun. The bright classroom was very satisfying.

But he hates things like this. I stared at the bottle, which wasn’t even half full of water. Then I threw the opened bottle at Choi Sung-hyun.

Then, licking the soda off my fingers, I said,

“Hey, go up first.”

“Shit, why, Yohan.”

“I feel like I’ll get filth on me if I’m with you guys.”

First-class water can’t be next to fifth-class water. You dirty bastards.

I kindly explained to the future trash why you and I can’t be together.

“Live like that and die. Goodbye.”

“That fucking idiot…….”

Kim Min-ho, who I beat up a while ago, was being rude, so I flipped him off.

That’s how a short 10-minute walk began. Grains of sand crunched under the soles of my slippers. The West Wing near the back door is an asphalt road, but the East Wing near the main gate has sand from the playground like this.

“Come to think of it, I like this too.”

This kind of goody-two-shoes thing. I think I like it too.

“Yeah, I like it too.”

My lies begin when the truth is unpleasant. And I repeat them until I forget the truth. A pleasant lie is better than an unpleasant truth. Chasing only good things, pleasant lies have become my life.

Last Christmas, Go Rosa asked me.

‘What you said, is that true?’

Would it be true? You idiot. Why would I like guys? I laughed at Go Rosa, who wasn’t even there, but suddenly my laughter stopped. Below the hallway connecting the West Wing and East Wing, in the dark alley. He was there. Looking in the direction I was looking.

……It’s him.

Him, Kang Jun.

Kang Jun was there. Holding melted green tea ice cream, staring at me with a terribly stupid look.

“……Uh.”

Why?

Strangely, the area near my heart tingled, and my breathing became stuffy. I pressed my palm against my chest and rubbed it hard.

“Ah, shit……, why…….”

I hit the center of my chest hard with my fist. Even so, I didn’t stop taking another step forward. Kang Jun saw me, right? Why. Is he going to say hello to me? My stuffy chest tightened even more. Then I felt a presence in the trash can between me and Kang Jun.

The culprit smoking a cigarette in the corner between the buildings. A cigarette. I frowned at the ugly sight of him exhaling white smoke through his nose.

That bastard is definitely going to hell. He’s breaking the school rules like crazy. He should smoke when he’s an adult. The goody-two-shoes Kang Jun would hate that. A sense of pride washed over me. I don’t smoke. You don’t either, right? Imagining him despising Han Jun-woo with me, I looked at him again.

But he was smiling brightly.

I hurriedly looked around. There were a few people walking around, but they weren’t the kind of guys he would be interested in. Then the only person he could be smiling at is me. The sound of my heart was near my ears,

His voice burst out brightly like a pomegranate.

“Jun-woo!”

“……What.”

Kang Jun ran towards the trash can. He ran towards the place filled with cigarette smoke. Following Kang Jun’s gaze, I saw a familiar face. And Kang Jun stood next to him, staring intently at the lawbreaker sitting there smoking.

Kang Jun, he’s Han Jun-woo’s lackey.

“Shit.”

He’s supposed to be an unnecessarily serious and goody-two-shoes guy. Then why is he watching that dirty, crazy bastard smoke? What a joke. What a joke? Then Kang Jun is a joke. It doesn’t make sense logically. How can he be funny if he’s not funny? Is that possible?

Strangely, I pressed my wrist against my stuffy chest and pondered philosophically. Funny when it’s not funny. A double meaning. Then Kang Jun is a two-faced bastard? Shit, he’s crazy. This.

I’m starting to dislike Kang Jun more and more. The score that was a plus was dropping endlessly.

That night, I couldn’t resist the urge and grabbed Kang Jun’s face with one hand, squeezing it as if to crush it. The sight of him desperately clinging to my hand and gasping for breath was quite a sight to see.

The end of summer was approaching. Only lifeless trees remained in the house where the magnolias had bloomed. It was so splendid in the spring, but after the showy flowers fell, monstrous fruits appeared. The magnolia tree wasn’t that pretty. It was even a little shabby. So it’s just a house that’s pretty for a few days out of the year.

“It’s not like you only look at the garden in the spring.”

No. That makes sense? I haven’t lived in this house and looked at the magnolia tree next door for very long, but I’ve never seen anyone who seemed like the owner. Only one middle-aged woman came and went, but she didn’t smell like she had the financial resources to live in a house like this.

“It’s not a haunted house.”

It was a very suspicious house.

If I open the rightmost window in my room, I can barely see the front gate of the house next door diagonally. I often let my imagination run wild as I looked at the quiet house.

Maybe an old man who’s dying of old age lives there. Or maybe that old man’s mistress. Crazy, he must be no ordinary old man to buy a house like that. Can his old dick even stand up?

Imagination is fun. Because it allows you to satisfy curiosities that you can’t satisfy in reality.

It’s even more so for me, who lives a plant-like life where I can’t do anything inside the house. You can’t only see vegetative people in hospitals. Isn’t that exactly what I am?

I swayed my body and lay down on the bed as if collapsing. That’s how my imagination fell off a strange cliff and headed to Kang Jun, who was Han Jun-woo.

A familiar face appeared dimly in my vision as I lay in bed sleeping. It was Kang Jun. It was Kang Jun crawling on the floor and crying. Snot was dripping from his nose, and saliva was dripping from his mouth. His white skin was full of wounds that looked like they would bleed at any moment and wounds that had already scabbed over.

Ah, that’s good to see.

This time, his eyes are covered, so I don’t know what kind of expression Kang Jun is making. However, he was struggling and crawling to escape anywhere, then he collapsed on the floor. I don’t know where he was hit, but his blood vessels were also standing out, and the skin was peeled off, revealing red flesh.

“It suits you.”

The corners of my mouth turned up on their own. My body felt lighter as I had an interesting thought. I easily lifted my listless body and grabbed Kang Jun’s hair, which was moving wildly, in one fell swoop.

He definitely seems to be suffering, but he’s such a tough bastard that he doesn’t even scream once. How annoying. He doesn’t even make a sound. I let go of his hand, lifted the end of the blanket, and covered Kang Jun, who was struggling. Then I wrapped the blanket around him tightly enough to make him feel suffocated. It must have been even harder to breathe.

I pressed down on his struggling body and pulled the blanket even tighter. The body that had been struggling violently twitched a few times and then lost its strength and slumped down. I felt a sense of incongruity in the weight that touched my hand.

I frowned at the unpleasantness and got up. I sat on the scattered blanket and swept my bangs back.

……Aren’t I a little dangerous? No. I just imagined it.

“If imagining was a crime, all the bastards in this world would be hanged.”

I cooled my head and thought about it again. I remembered his upper body buried in the blanket and his body struggling in an inhuman state. My mood was filled with an indescribable heaviness.

“Why did I do that.”

I didn’t intend to imagine that far. To imagine killing someone, even indirectly. I must be crazy. What should I do? Am I really going to hell?

Anxiety came like a huge dark cloud. I tore at my thumb nail and put on a zip-up hoodie that was nearby on my bare body. I strode through the quiet hallway where no one was around and burst out of the front door.

‘It looks like my shoelaces are untied.’

Walking on the sidewalk, I focused my gaze on the spire three rooftops behind the mansion, not the ground. It was a dark night. Silent night, holy night. The only people who were awake in the midst of everything sleeping were Mary and Joseph, people of faith and holy people. The curly-haired, pure boy was sleeping in heaven.

The moment a familiar song came to mind, I took a deep breath and ran towards the church.

And I immediately told my thoughts to fuck off.

“…….”

……Isn’t that Kang Jun?

Kang Jun, wearing his school uniform despite the vacation, was walking on the dark road. Towards the direction I was in. Kang Jun’s expression, walking along the yellow line, was not clearly visible due to the streetlight shadows. But it was definitely Kang Jun.

Shit, why? Why, of all people? Now? Why is he coming this way?

Someone poured water on my head. Cold water seeped into the cracks of my brain. My head is being flooded. All of me. Kang Jun is twenty steps away, no, nineteen steps away.

Kang Jun, who had been walking while looking at the ground, gradually raised his head.

“…….”

Orange streetlights reflected in dark brown eyes. Kang Jun and I were the only ones on the road, and the time was approximately 12:30 AM. It was the time when this neighborhood was as quiet as a graveyard. My body stiffened as if someone had grabbed the back of my neck tightly. Kang Jun was looking at me. He was looking at me.

Was it… should I greet him first?

I couldn’t think beyond that. Because Kang Jun had come only five steps closer. Because our eyes had met. My body found behavioral habits remaining from past memories.

I awkwardly raised my hand as I had done once before. And naturally, I spoke.

“Ah, hello.”

Kang Jun’s eyes slowly closed and opened. Kang Jun sometimes did strange things like that. For the first time, I moistened my lips for the voice that would be directed at me. How would Kang Jun respond to my greeting? When you look at him, he’s always smiling at that Han Jun-woo bastard. Does he smile at me like that too?

Three steps, two steps.

“……”

Fluttering black hair brushed past me and passed by me as it was. Along with a gaze that contained no emotion. When a small breeze passed by, a small sound of music came from Kang Jun’s ear. Kang Jun looked back as he passed me. And after briefly looking at an unknown figure, he turned his head again and walked forward.

That was the end.

I just stood blankly between the streetlights. I just stood there… and finally imagined strangling Kang Jun’s neck with my own hands. When I imagined the soft flesh touching my fingertips, I felt an unpleasantly strong catharsis. It was truly the best and worst feeling.

Kang Jun is evil. And as a servant of God, I have a duty to save myself from evil.

The simplest salvation was escape. I didn’t even need to make other plans. Twice a year. To be able to see my mother who lives in America. It was the only rule my mother demanded after she decided to share her life with my Father. My mother wanted to show off her successful married life, and she wanted to present her grown-up child as proof at her maternal grandmother’s house.

I voluntarily set foot in America, where I had been forcibly dragged every vacation.

Yes, the time had come for me to accept the emotions that had been vaguely shaking me.

I curled up and pulled up the blanket. After lying under the blanket up to my face in the darkened airplane for a while, my breathing became stuffy. Moisture filled the blanket. It was wet only on the part that covered my eyes.

“Kang Jun, you fucking bastard.”

I wasn’t crying because I was sad. I cried because of the anger that surged up. There was no special reason. I just hated Kang Jun.

I grabbed the cross on the Rosary. I lifted my legs and bent my waist further. I curled up like a bug stiffening before metamorphosis. Where am I now? I must be floating in the middle of the sea. The vast sea without a single light was as dark as space. Is this how an astronaut who has lost his way in a spacesuit feels? Empty and lonely.

Even after the vacation ended, I didn’t have to run into Kang Jun. That’s how I saved myself from evil.

However, within the school, which I couldn’t avoid, I solved it with imagination and prayer. Whenever I happened to find Kang Jun, I strangled him, kicked him, and pushed him out the window in my imagination. It was okay to do that to Kang Jun. Then, sometimes, forgetting my justice, I searched for Kang Jun on my phone. Shit, Kang Jun is definitely a devil.

One day, when Kang Jun had died thousands of times in my mind, I saw Kang Jun right above my name on the 2nd-grade class assignment list. It was in alphabetical order, and we were in the same class.

“Ah.”

The end was approaching again.

“I’m fucked.”

Enemies meet on a narrow bridge. But is Kang Jun my enemy? A very ambiguous question fell upon me. Do you masturbate with your enemy? I don’t know. He’s the first of his kind in my life.

I can’t run away. To an eighteen-year-old, school was like an empire.

What should I do when I first meet Kang Jun? That bastard will definitely ignore me again. Han Jun-woo. Jun-woo. He’ll torment me to death while acting like that. He probably doesn’t even know how he torments people. But Kang Jun probably doesn’t know that Kang Jun’s one word is no longer a big wound to me.

Applause to Go Yohan who has accepted everything. Since no one else will do it, I should do it myself. I acknowledged it, and once I acknowledged it, it’s easy to escape. If you think lightly, it becomes light.

The first thing to do when I go to school has been decided. The thing to do was ‘do nothing’.

As the new school year began, the inside of the classroom was filled with tension. This was because the East Wing and West Wing were randomly mixed. In fact, it was the same in the first grade that they were randomly selected, but strangely, in the second grade, they felt a sense of belonging to the randomly assigned position and stood tall. It was really a pointless thing to do.

Kim Min-ho was especially bad. He even glared at Han Jun-woo with tears in his eyes.

“Ah, ah… fuck. How did we end up with only four of us together after all that? Fucking hell. I don’t know anyone in this class. Is it true that it’s awkward to be mixed with the East Wing bastards? Is it true?”

“Why, Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Seok-min are there too.”

“Hey! There are only four of us. Didn’t you see that the class is full of Han Jun-woo’s group? Fuck, this is corruption. It’s favoritism! Han Jun-woo has some money at home, so he just put all his friends in. That’s why people need money, right?”

However, the bastards who were always with Han Jun-woo also kept glancing at me. I almost looked at one of them, but hurriedly looked at Kim Min-ho and said.

“Do you even know what corruption means? You’re impressive.”

“Don’t you know? Huh? Don’t you know? This bastard is really… huh? Subtly ignoring me and shit. Huh?”

“Min-ho, let’s speak nicely.”

Anyway, Kim Min-ho has a talent for making people feel bad. It’s all because I’m nice that I’m still playing with this bastard. If not, this bastard would have transferred already.

“Hey, that’s what you should be saying… Hey, he’s coming. He’s coming.”

Kim Min-ho broadened his shoulders and chest. I couldn’t help but laugh at the sight. That’s why I hang out with Kim Min-ho. In response, Lee Seok-hyun, who was playing a game on his phone, also subtly straightened his back. Only Kim Seok-min seemed to be making new connections, chatting among a new group.

The guy who came was the bastard who always stood next to Han Jun-woo when he sat down, in a slouching posture. With a strangely nervous face, he looked at me and said this.

“You’re Go Yohan, right? Hwang In-woo Hyung talks about you a lot. You know? Hwang In-woo Hyung.”

Who is Hwang In-woo? I racked my brain, but I couldn’t think of him at all. That means he’s not worth remembering. I smiled vaguely and replied.

“I don’t know.”

You have to be honest with people you meet for the first time. It’s good to start the school year well. Originally, I hate fighting and like peace. I looked at the face of the guy who came closer, pressing the tip of the mechanical pencil tightly with his Canine Tooth. And the face beyond that too. That face that was turning around and looking at me while sitting in the chair.

What are you looking at?

I felt bad in an instant and closed my mouth.

I threw the mechanical pencil on the desk. The mechanical pencil plummeted to the floor with a loud noise. Kang Jun looks at the falling mechanical pencil. What was so wrong with that? No, it’s not like anything was wrong. I turned my eyes away from the complex emotions. The sky was so blue. The answer came from an unexpected place much later.

The first day I met Kang Jun, I had a ridiculous thought.

“In-woo Hyung wants to see you. I didn’t know, but you have some money? Our Jun-woo is also from a really rich family. So am I. My family runs a big moving company.”

The nameless guy said, picking up my mechanical pencil and putting it on the desk.

“You know Woojin Trans, right?”

I had never heard of the company. I’m not interested either. My gaze returned from the sky to the classroom. Kang Jun, who had been looking at me, was looking at the window on the hallway side. Han Jun-woo was on the hallway side. Han Jun-woo, leaning against the window and looking at the end of the hallway, was in Kang Jun’s sight.

“Let’s eat and play Foot dodgeball together later…”

“No.”

I answered without even listening to what he was saying.

I wasn’t in the mood to do anything today. It was because I realized what that something that had been bothering me all along was. It was the moment when the data that had been accumulated over a year produced results. The numbers on the calculator changed.

In that classroom, he and I were looking at Han Jun-woo. I need to change my words. He was looking at Han Jun-woo, and I was looking at Han Jun-woo whom he was looking at. When I moved my hand, the cross on the Rosary hit the desk. And I raised my head and looked at the nameless friend standing next to me and said.

“Let’s do something other than Foot dodgeball.”

“…Huh? Oh, yeah, what is it?”

“It’s childish, but do you want to play Foot dodgeball?”

Because it’s a sport where you can officially hit the other person. I hid my inner thoughts and narrowed my eyes. Only then did Kang Jun and Han Jun-woo disappear from my sight. Only a blurry world remained. I only saw the guy in front of me hesitating for a bit and nodding his head.

It was good until then. I was just waiting for lunchtime. I wanted to punch him in the face or make him throw up once under the pretext of exercise. But as luck would have it, the Homeroom Teacher called Kang Jun to the faculty room 15 minutes before lunchtime. Even openly during class.

Kang Jun followed like a fool, saying, “Yes.” You fool, you super fool. He doesn’t even know that the Homeroom Teacher sees him as a pushover. Yeah, you’re the one who’s twisting your fate. I rested my chin on my hand and tapped the edge of the textbook with the mechanical pencil. The class bell rang, and the other bastards abandoned Kang Jun and went down to the cafeteria. Even Han Jun-woo.

I, I just didn’t like running ravenously in the first place. I didn’t really feel like eating either.

1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes, 5 minutes passed. When the sky-piercing noise crossed into the classroom, the classroom door opened and a white face came in with it. I reflexively closed my eyes. In the meantime, my hands trembled and fumbled awkwardly on the desk. My right hand is trash. I want to cut it off right now.

Steps of a constant speed walked steadily. And it stopped in front of me, and my breath stopped too. A subtle presence didn’t leave in front of my desk. My right hand touched the desk more unnaturally. Only then did a calm voice come down.

“Yohan-ah.”

“……”

Get lost. I don’t really want to talk to you. You gay bastard.

“Didn’t you submit your School notice? The Homeroom Teacher is going to start checking soon, but your School notice wasn’t there.”

“……”

“Just in case. I have a spare, so write it and submit it.”

Along with a rustling sound, the smell of gray paper wafted under my nose. I heard footsteps again, and I slowly opened my eyes. In front of me was the School notice that the Homeroom Teacher had told me to get no matter what a few days ago. I raised my hand and stroked the rough paper, then suddenly got up from my seat with an idea that came to mind.

“Hey, you…!”

Did you know my name? Did you know it? That’s what I was going to ask.

I only had to ask that. Kang Jun had already disappeared. A sense of futility washed over me. How pathetic, I ran in a hurry. Don’t tell me he’s just going to eat with that Han Jun-woo bastard? You worthless bastard.

‘Kang Jun, he’s a pushover. A smart pushover. He pretends not to be, but he grovels to the higher-ups. That’s all he is.’

Words I had heard sometime flowed gently in my ear. As I became an adult, I realized that my palms were small, and there were too many things that I couldn’t hold in my palms. Sand falls through your fingers. It was the same this time. The illusion that seventeen-year-old arrogance had conjured up flowed through my palms.

After that, I heard that Han Jun-woo had arbitrarily said that he would not participate in Foot dodgeball. I just broke the mechanical pencil in one hand.

“Do you know that Edison was originally a retard?”

“Ah, fuck. It’s Go Yohan saying that again. I heard that even in the first grade. Hey, don’t listen to him. Don’t listen to him. If you listen to him, he’ll chant the same thing again. Pretend you didn’t hear him if you don’t want your ears to explode.”

“Edison was originally a retard with terrible grades, so he was expelled from school. He even wrote a School notice? ‘Your kid is too stupid, so no teacher will teach him, so just make him work at home.’ But do you know what the mom who received that School notice said? She said that the school said, ‘Our kid is too smart, so there’s no teacher who can handle him, so give him professional education at home.’ Edison thought he was smart his whole life. In reality, he was a retard. Isn’t it interesting, friends?”

“Ah, he must have been struck by lightning somewhere and become a genius. Right? Oops, isn’t that a bit much to say?”

“This bastard. He has a sly side. Doesn’t he? Yohan-ah?”

I didn’t answer the question. I’m satisfied now that I’ve said what I wanted to say. Edison’s story is so interesting. Even twice a day isn’t enough. It didn’t matter if the kids didn’t sympathize with my fun. They’re not my friends anyway. There’s no point in wasting time on people I’ll only share a classroom with for a while. I just have to say what I want to say. I got up from my seat with a light heart.

“Oh, where are you going?”

“Why do you need to know? You fucking bastards. Are you stalkers?”

“Are you going to the bathroom? Let’s go together.”

“No, I don’t want to. Don’t even think about coming to the bathroom until I come back. Because I want to use it alone.”

“I’m going to pee my own pee. Huh?”

“I told you not to pee. You must think I’m joking.”

Unfortunately, I tend to hold grudges. It’s a completely different issue from me having fun talking. A bastard who ignored my story doesn’t even deserve to go to the bathroom. I tapped Choi Dong-I can’t remember the rest-on the boundary line where his forehead and head began and laughed.

And the classmates were embarrassed and ridiculed the guy who was saying, “Hey, is it real? It’s not real, right?”

“Piss on the floor. Got it?”

Then I lightly tapped his forehead, chest, and both shoulders. I kept smiling brightly until I came out of the classroom. At least until I stepped over the threshold of the classroom door.

As soon as I went out into the hallway, the smile disappeared. I walked down the hallway as if running with quick steps. Kang Jun wasn’t in the classroom. Han Jun-woo wasn’t there either. Then there’s only one answer. He must be watching him smoke again. You sick bastard. Is smoking that good? There’s no such thing as a sick bastard.

Kang Jun likes Han Jun-woo.

Kang Jun is a sly bastard. He hides his dark intentions so well that no one knew that Kang Jun had ulterior motives for Han Jun-woo. They just say Kang Jun is a pushover. That he’s nice.

Nice? Absolutely, Kang Jun is not nice at all.

I confirmed his inner thoughts at the cafeteria a few days ago.

‘Hey, do you want to eat with me?’

As soon as I saw Han Jun-woo and Kang Jun eating alone, I said it without thinking. Actually, there was some spite too. I don’t know where that spite originated from. All the while I was putting down my meal tray, I looked at Kang Jun. And Kang Jun looked at me too. To be exact, he glared at me.

Oh, look at this bastard. A hollow laugh burst out.

After that, I acted friendly with Han Jun-woo. Then Kang Jun looked at me instead of Han Jun-woo. Kang Jun probably doesn’t know that I acted even more friendly because it was funny.

One more thing. I called Kang Jun ‘Jun’ instead of ‘Kang Jun’. I know where this feeling came from. I just wanted to be special. Because all the other bastards call Kang Jun Kang Jun. If I call him Jun, Kang Jun will react to my call first among the many calls. Originally, I like special things.

This time, I shoved Kang Jun into the locker. He’s already a skinny bastard, so he somehow managed to fit into that narrow locker. Also, the more I got closer to Kang Jun, the more the Kang Jun in my imagination added a voice. Usually, lines like “I’m sorry.”, “I was wrong.”, “I won’t do that to you again.” were added.

A plaintive sound came from the closed locker door. You should have been nicer to me.

The closer I got to Han Jun-woo, the more Kang Jun’s devotion passed on to me. It was disgusting.

Kang Jun is using his head? Which bastard spread that bullshit rumor? Kang Jun was a sick bastard who would run out even if Han Jun-woo called him at 4 AM. What’s even funnier is that Kang Jun pretends to be a cool friend there. The fact that he took a taxi to the hotel at 4 AM is not cool at all.

Sometimes, when Han Jun-woo’s card was blocked, Kang Jun would come and pay. When they saw that, Han Jun-woo’s friends said this.

“Kang Jun is really nice.”

Is that nice, you fucking bastards? Han Jun-woo also said it like he was bragging.

“Kang Jun is very nice. I’m really glad I have him as a friend.”

After hearing those words, I narrowed my eyes while imagining shoving a rubber ball into Han Jun-woo’s mouth.

At the beginning of the semester, curiosity led me to stay up until dawn, waiting for Kang Jun to come home. But he really did come as soon as Han Jun-woo called. That fucking idiot. Does he really think being called “nice” is a compliment?

“Kang Jun is very nice.”

Does that stupid bastard Kang Jun even know how brutally those words tear people apart?

Still, a priest once said, heaven helps those who help themselves. I willingly suppressed my nauseating feelings and decided to help the pitiful and pathetic Kang Jun. I spent time watching illegal activities next to the boring Han Jun-woo. And because everyone liked me being next to Han Jun-woo, I generously played along. And when it got a little late, I would sarcastically lead Han Jun-woo’s group out.

There are some annoying moments, but I feel sorry for Kang Jun. They say he’s nice. Like an idiot. Though, I, who practically rapes Kang Jun every day and drains his balls, don’t really have a say.

Annoyingly, Han Jun-woo liked my behavior. He said it was perfect for going to have quiet sex. He said the other guys were obviously high schoolers, so they weren’t good. Seriously, who is he to like or dislike? Unbelievable. I held back because I’m nice. If I had a slightly worse temper, I would have shoved a soju bottle into that bastard’s mouth and killed him right now.

Why is Kang Jun so nice to Han Jun-woo? Is it really because Han Jun-woo is somewhat successful, as the kids say?

If so, it’s unfair. If I had been in the same class as Kang Jun in the first year instead of Han Jun-woo, Kang Jun would definitely be devoted to me instead of Han Jun-woo. Imagining Kang Jun rushing to me at 4 a.m. and handing me his credit card made my blood rush down below.

“I envy you, Han Jun-woo.”

“What?”

Han Jun-woo, who was sitting as if collapsing into the chair, tilted his ear towards me. Ah, I want to grab those ears right now, tear them off, and put them in that bastard’s dinner. I slowly bent down and said to Han Jun-woo again.

“Go die.”

“I was wondering what you were going to say. Another tantrum?”

“Not a tantrum, a warning.”

“A warning of what?”

“Your future.”

Han Jun-woo looked at me with a face that asked what I was talking about, but I don’t want to be kind enough to explain everything to Han Jun-woo. I straightened my back and stood up from the chair using only my leg strength. Then I picked up the phone that was on the desk.

What pictures are in my phone? Do I still have the one of Kang Jun lying on the mat in his gym uniform?

“If English teacher looks for me, tell him I went to the nurse’s office.”

“You don’t smoke.”

“I’m going to drain my balls.”

“Yohan, stop pissing so much. You’re going to crack the toilet because of you. You have so much stamina.”

“…….”

I only shrugged at Kim Seok-min’s words, but Han Jun-woo looked at my phone and me without saying anything. I read what Han Jun-woo was trying to say in that gaze. Han Jun-woo probably understood the meaning of “going to drain my balls” exactly. Anyway, that slut pervert is different.

And Han Jun-woo twisted the corners of his lips and said this.

“You’re going to jerk off soon.”

“No, I don’t think that’ll happen.”

“I’ll introduce you. To you.”

Han Jun-woo ignored my words and arrogantly rubbed his chin. I kindly showed Han Jun-woo my middle finger.

“Syphilis. You’re the one who’s going to get an STD.”

I left the classroom without hearing his reply. I put my hands in my pockets and walked down the hallway, thinking.

Ah, how should I kill Han Jun-woo?

The opportunity came sooner than I thought.

Everyone who knows me said that. Go Yohan is very lucky. He lives a life favored by God, like a fanatic. Me? When I think about my family, that’s not true at all.

I’ve been an abandoned child since middle school, and I’ve clung to religion just to live in this house. I wanted to be saved. But often, the wheel of fate runs away from me. Both good and bad.

I wasn’t interested in some rice ball bastard who transferred in at an awkward time. But Kang Jun was very nice to him. To that rice ball, I mean. Kang Jun was a hopeless fool as always.

Kang Jun is nice.

Kang Jun was really nice. Pathetically so. How is that stupid bastard going to live his life being so nice?

Kang Jun is nice. He’s a rich only child, so he can be annoying sometimes, and he’s not fun, but still.

Everyone said that. Kang Jun is nice, sometimes rude, and never fun. Being with Kang Jun made me understand why those words came out.

Kang Jun’s personality was really not my type.

Kang Jun is nice, but I’m too nice too. Ha, anyway, having too soft a heart is a problem.

So, I have to rule that poor lamb with love, yes, with love. Because he’s wasting his life liking that slut Satan, Han Jun-woo. I’ll help him just up to that point and then abandon him too. Honestly, Kang Jun is so boring. He’s the type to get tired of after hanging out a few times.

Once, I played a prank on Kang Jun. I stared at him intently, and he panicked and touched his cheeks. I liked seeing that, so I stared even more intently, and Kang Jun opened his heavy mouth.

“…Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You have something on your face.”

“I don’t. I just checked.”

“…….”

His reaction isn’t fun either. I was going to say “ugliness,” but I felt embarrassed and closed my mouth.

He doesn’t even let me play a prank. That unpromising kid. I also didn’t like how his eyes turned cold whenever he looked at me.

I openly sneered at Kang Jun. Kang Jun didn’t really react much either.

I often feel a sense of alienation from my emotions. Why was I so nervous looking at this bastard? I really can’t understand myself. Honestly, I’m not that moved now. I must have been temporarily insane in the first year. Why would I like a fool who only has a face?

Around May, a rule is formed in the classroom. Most of the time, that rule was in my favor. As if it was made just for me. That’s why I can’t help but love school more than home.

My heart is the same. It was really chaotic. By the time spring ends and early summer comes, the classroom will return to my world. What should I do then? Should I tell Kang Jun that Han Jun-woo likes him? Then Kang Jun will definitely cry. Damn, I want to see it. Anyway, I wanted to see Kang Jun cry. If even the lingering feelings I have now fall away, it seems like that would be easy.

A time when the evergreens are lush. I waited for that day. My day of freedom.

Sometimes, when I see Kang Jun looking longingly at Han Jun-woo and my mood fluctuates, I imagine shoving Kang Jun’s head into a sink full of water. At least his face is hot.

When will he cry? I have to see Kang Jun cry at least once. I have to.

What is this?

What is this?

I couldn’t think at all after seeing the note written while I was out of the classroom for a moment.

What does this mean?

Kang Jun? Why did he leave this?

I traced the hastily written letters with my Rosary-clad hand. “Good job.” He said I did a good job. Me? I was only thinking about dying after getting this grade. I was only thinking about committing suicide while vividly imagining the future where Father would call me a useless pig and tear at my ears full of holes.

A merciless barrage of kindness slammed my nape to the floor.

I just stood there looking at the classroom floor. Then, afraid that someone might see, I hurriedly crumpled the test paper. The hand holding the test paper trembled like an aspen. A calm magnolia scent wafted from various parts of the classroom. That scent that I smelled whenever I passed the house next door around the beginning of spring. The smell of a flower shop refrigerator.

“……Is he crazy? Kang Jun.”

An irresistible force pulled me in. Even the dust floating in my head was sucked in.

Kang Jun is nice. And boring. Why is Kang Jun nice? You’ll know if Kang Jun likes you. He’s a total pushover.

The one who mercilessly teased and ignored Kang Jun in front of me was Han Jun-woo. That’s when it started. When I started evaluating Kang Jun.

I shouldn’t have listened to Han Jun-woo then. Who around me can talk about Kang Jun? They’re all Han Jun-woo’s stepping stones. When I realized it, I was seeing Kang Jun through Han Jun-woo’s eyes. It was very arrogant.

That night, Kang Jun in my imagination stared at me silently, with his uniform buttoned up to his neck. There were no signs of being hit anywhere, and no part of his body was missing. I had only seen his back before, but it was the first time I saw his front. There was no Kang Jun begging me for forgiveness while crying miserably either.

The first thing Kang Jun, who showed his front for the first time, said was this.

“Yohan, kiss me.”

Me?

“Yeah, Yohan. You.”

Kang Jun opened his arms and smiled at me. Like the face I saw in the cafeteria one day.

“I want to do it with you, not Han Jun-woo.”

……What?

“I like you more than Han Jun-woo.”

Damn, maybe, I lost my mind there and rushed at Kang Jun.

I had my first kiss. The other person was Kang Jun in my imagination. Of course, there was still no sensation. I just kissed the air. It was a very pathetic first kiss.

One wheel of fate crushed me, and the other ran away from me. Originally, a cart needs at least two wheels to roll. The wheel that ran away from me was the transfer student. Han Jun-woo had started paying attention to the transfer student a few days ago. How did I know that? Because Kang Jun was looking at Han Jun-woo. And because Kang Jun was looking at the transfer student that Han Jun-woo was looking at. Like me last year and this year.

“Damn it. Watch where you’re going. It’s because you don’t look properly without knowing what’s in front of you.”

Han Jun-woo harassed the transfer student at every turn, and Kang Jun stole glances at that transfer student. And he whispered a small voice that no one could hear.

“Just die. You stupid bastard.”

Only I heard it. Only me. Only me, who was in charge of Kang Jun in this terrible square race. How thrilling that moment was.

What did Kang Jun just say?

Goosebumps went down to my toes. The small, chirping mutter was full of pure malice. I marveled at the petty jealousy, a very familiar emotion. I pressed the tingling fingertips hard with my nails. I reached out my trembling hand and lightly pushed Kang Jun’s shoulder.

“Jun-ah.”

At that moment, the gaze that had covered the petty jealousy instantly lifted the blanket and shone brightly.

“Yeah, why?”

I didn’t call him with anything in mind. The center, which had never reacted voluntarily even once in my life, stirred little by little. Endorphins that seemed to tear my head apart stirred my lower abdomen wildly. Because of those clear, shining eyes. I saw it, though.

“You.”

“Why me.”

“You’re very nice.”

Kang Jun frowned slightly. I chuckled. I’m starting to see it now. That Kang Jun is a really fun guy. A dirty, jealous opportunist. One layer of Kang Jun’s face was revealed.

“What strange things are you saying again.”

“Jun-ah.”

“Why again.”

“Want to go to church?”

Kang Jun opened his mouth slightly and quickly closed it.

In the crowded boys’ high school, I was the only one who saw Kang Jun’s lip movements.

Kang Jun, whom I started seeing through my own eyes, not Han Jun-woo’s, was a very interesting kid. Kang Jun might have a worse personality than I thought, is always rude, and is sometimes nice. Just like the cleaning area that Kang Jun is in charge of is the recycling that no one wants to do. In both the first and second years, Kang Jun was in charge of recycling. I looked down at Kang Jun separating PET bottles and vinyl from the classroom window.

“What are you looking at? Is there something to see outside? Why are you keep grinning? Let me see too.”

At that time, Kim Min-ho and Kim Seok-min joined me.

Kang Jun, who had finished recycling and turned around, stopped abruptly and stared intently at something. This time, he raised his long, thin fingers and stroked his neck. Kang Jun has a good neck. Long, neat, and white. But the direction Kang Jun was looking at wasn’t very good.

Kang Jun moved his lips slightly. Obviously. He must have said some crappy curse again.

“Were you looking at Kang Jun just now? Hey, man. This guy is suspicious.”

“Suspicious, my ass.”

The more curiosity I had about Kang Jun, the greater my malice became. Everyone told me I was lucky. That I live a destiny gifted by God. I still don’t think so, but I decided to believe it this time. That was the signal that marked the beginning.

“Jun-i, you know.”

“Kang Jun? Why?”

“Doesn’t he seem a bit off?”

The moment I finished speaking, six eyes lit up.

And coincidentally, really coincidentally, I saw a small red line near Kang Jun’s cheek.

“…….”

Did he get hurt?

I felt something strange and was about to take my body away from the window, but the Rosary was pulled roughly. It was because of Kim Min-ho, who was stuck to the window. That bastard’s body was pressing against the window ledge, and the cross was stuck in that spot. Ugh – that damn cholera bastard. I grabbed Kim Min-ho’s arm as if tearing it off and threw him to the floor.

“Get out of the way, you fucking bastard!”

“Ah, shit. Sorry, sorry.”

Damn it, I grabbed the Rosary that was about to break and looked out the window again.

A string dangled from my fingertips. I heard a muttering sound that was barely audible from the side, but soon that sound gradually flew away into the mirage.

It’s because Kang Jun put his thick lips inside his mouth. I pulled the Rosary as if tearing it apart at that moment.

Kang Jun, do you know what it feels like to walk barefoot on heated asphalt? The tar that has ripened in the summer sun gives off a terrible smell. The black monster covering the dirty pile of dirt melts even stray dogs passing by. Animals that cannot withstand the poisonous scent and the boiling heat convulse and twist their bodies, then die with their melted arms and legs stretched towards the sky. Come to think of it, they paved a new asphalt road in my neighborhood, right?

In the classroom, the only cradle where I can curl up and sleep, a dream was born. I’m so greedy that I have to take everything. Eighteen, who wants to steal even the petty jealousy. Even the fleas hidden inside the silk blanket had to be mine.

But strangely enough, I was so bothered by the scratch on Kang Jun’s annoying and hateful cheek. It felt like my insides were twisted and twisted until they were hideously crumpled and turned inside out.