By Zephyria 
I nodded slightly amidst the bustling crowd. There was no need to foster a friendship with Shin Jae-hyun and feel guilty anymore. I wasn’t an outcast now. Superficially, my war with Go Yohan was as good as over, so there was no need to be cautious.
Why did I end up reconciling with Go Yohan? It was all for this safety.
Shin Jae-hyun, miraculously seeing my nod from that far away, immediately flashed his signature refreshing smile and stood up. I took out the key from my pocket, ready to hand it over to Shin Jae-hyun as he approached. The yellow key, held between my index finger and thumb, was embarrassingly lukewarm. Like a chair someone had just sat on and gotten up from. Recalling that unpleasant temperature, I shook the key in the air for no reason. It was Shin Jae-hyun’s hand that snatched the key, which moved like an insect.
“I’m finally getting it back. I was in so much trouble when you suddenly took it.”
Wasn’t it lent to me to use? I was flustered, looking back and forth between the receding key and Shin Jae-hyun. The key, which had been safely hidden in my pocket, was heading into Shin Jae-hyun’s pants pocket.
“…I forgot. Sorry for giving it to you late.”
“No, it’s okay. It was a mistake.”
“Thanks to you. I used it well.”
Shin Jae-hyun, still with a good-natured face, merely shrugged at my blunt expression of gratitude. I couldn’t tell if it was positive or negative. His expression was clearly positive, but strangely, I kept doubting him. It was all Go Yohan’s fault that I became suspicious of every little thing.
“Did you reconcile?”
“Huh?”
“With your friend.”
Shin Jae-hyun tilted his chin towards the direction Go Yohan had left. Ah-. A foolish sound came from my mouth.
“Yeah. It just happened that way.”
“Good job. Now you can live in peace.”
“Live in peace?”
“I was worried.”
Shin Jae-hyun scratched near his chest with his finger and continued.
“I was worried something big would happen.”
Was it that serious? I felt inexplicably uneasy at being equated with someone who had the bizarre value of not making friends to avoid discrimination. It would be a lie if I said I didn’t feel bad about that.
Ugh. A short groan escaped from my hesitating mouth, and Shin Jae-hyun seemed to notice my mood. Well, it wasn’t a pleasant thing to hear. Before I knew it, both palms, which had slipped out of his pockets, were in front of my eyes. But every single action of this guy felt foreign.
“But I think it was a little different from what I thought.”
“What was?”
“A subtle feeling I can’t explain…”
Phew. Shin Jae-hyun, who had let the air out of his protruding lips, instantly pulled back the hands he had extended towards me. It seemed to mean he wouldn’t say anymore.
“No, this seems too biased.”
Bias, a suspicious nuance. I have a tendency to react sensitively to all suspicious things.
It’s all a defense mechanism to protect myself. It often happens. There are times when I feel like I shouldn’t miss the true meaning of what I just heard. This was a sensation derived from the ‘gut feeling’ that appears right before I experience something dangerous. I immediately imitated the fools who had heard an interesting story. It’s a way to minimize suspicion and reduce aggressive tones.
“Bias? Why? What is it?”
I asked, smiling slyly for no reason. I even wiggled my butt as if I couldn’t stand my curiosity. That’s what the fools I saw did. Then, usually, the guys who were being played would be overjoyed that the topic they brought up was being discussed and would spew nonsense that they didn’t need to say. I looked at Shin Jae-hyun expectantly.
“That is.”
“That is?”
“Um.”
Shin Jae-hyun’s refreshing lips parted cautiously. I naturally focused my gaze on that movement and followed it. However, what I heard from Shin Jae-hyun was less than I expected. He acted like he was going to say something, but then he spouted this crap.
“No. Pretend you didn’t hear it.”
For a moment, my body, which had been moving in anticipation, almost faltered. Damn it. Then he should have kept his mouth shut from the start. He threw out a strange topic for no reason, made me curious, and then quickly backed out, which felt cunning. But I, Kang Jun, wasn’t going to give up here. I was going crazy wanting to hear stories related to me.
“Ah, was it a curse?”
I leaned back as if I wasn’t curious at all. Actually, I was dying of curiosity. This method is what I use when I’m really curious, but the guy who brought it up starts like this and doesn’t say anything.
“Okay. It’s okay if you don’t tell me. I’ll never tell Go Yohan.”
I forcibly put the blame on him. If I said this, it would look like I was going to tell Go Yohan that this bastard cursed him. Then, usually, they would say something to explain. If you arbitrarily decide that your words might be unpleasant to someone, most people get scared.
At least, it was a method that worked moderately well on the third-year students of this high school.
In the first year, I used Han Jun-woo’s name and it was more effective than I thought. I whispered softly to Shin Jae-hyun, expecting the same result.
“I’ve received a lot of help from you.”
And I gently curved my eyes. Okay, open your mouth now. That’s what I thought as I looked at Shin Jae-hyun, but…
“Hey.”
“Yeah?”
“What I meant by asking you to pretend you didn’t hear it was because you shouldn’t hear it.”
The good-natured face that remained unchanged scolded me more firmly than I expected. Of course, Shin Jae-hyun wasn’t scolding me, he was just clearly expressing what he had to say in words. But I felt like a kindergartener being scolded by a kindergarten teacher and had to listen to Shin Jae-hyun’s scolding endlessly.
“I know you’re not the type to talk.”
“…Ah, yeah.”
“But I don’t think this is something to say to others… Ah, I have to go.”
“Huh?”
“I’ll go. See you in the classroom later.”
Wait, wait. My efforts to hold him back were just left crumbling in the air. In the end, I couldn’t hear anything.
Shin Jae-hyun turned around without even letting me stop him and slipped through the small tables next to the cafeteria. Of course, I could have gotten up and grabbed Shin Jae-hyun right away. He wasn’t running, even though he was strangely hurrying. His pace was like a gazelle in the savanna wanting to look relaxed in front of a predator. Even though he was a herbivore, he wanted to show the air of an alpha gazelle male.
“…What is it?”
The bell hadn’t even rung yet. Why did Shin Jae-hyun suddenly disappear? As I was thinking that, a cold hand touched my cheek from behind. The chilling temperature soaked my cheek, and I couldn’t help but shiver.
“Ah, cold.”
“Did I scare you?”
When I turned around, it was Go Yohan. I leaned back to avoid Go Yohan’s hand and then looked again in the direction Shin Jae-hyun had disappeared. So, the direction Go Yohan came from and the direction Shin Jae-hyun went were in a straight line. Did Shin Jae-hyun see Go Yohan coming? Then did Go Yohan see Shin Jae-hyun? As I was thinking that, my ear stung and I reflexively turned my head.
“Ah, ah!”
“Why?”
I couldn’t figure out what had happened for a moment. Only after a few seconds did I realize. Go Yohan grabbed my ear and forcibly turned my head. My face turned red, and the circuit that was guessing Shin Jae-hyun’s thoughts stopped abruptly. My attention returned to Go Yohan.
“What did you do?”
“Huh?”
“Why are you grabbing my ear now…”
“Ah-.”
Go Yohan playfully wiggles both eyebrows. He seems to be pretending to be naive.
“Just kidding.”
“Kidding?”
Kidding, I felt bad. I felt like a pet being scolded by its owner. Seeing my face turning red on its own, Go Yohan covered his mouth slightly with his finger and looked troubled. Then, pretending to make a decision, he gently lowered his hand and said this.
“You know, but let’s make this clear.”
“What? What?”
His lips, which were unusually pink from sucking on the pink ice cream, protruded forward. At the same time, his slender eyes were resenting me. His still cold hand was tightly holding my ear and not letting go. It didn’t hurt, but embarrassment washed over me. Until my face exploded, Go Yohan lightly touched my ear, and as soon as I raised my hand and grabbed Go Yohan’s arm, he committed the heinous act of letting go. His hand, cold at the end, pressed my earlobe as if he regretted it and then fell away.
“I’m the one who reconciled with you.”
“What?”
Go Yohan raised his hand and pointed to me and himself, making a wronged face.
“If I hadn’t said let’s reconcile until the end, you wouldn’t have been able to do anything, you know.”
“……”
I was about to retort, but I closed my mouth after hearing Go Yohan’s next words. It was unfair, but it was true.
“When I look at you… you seem to forget important facts sometimes, no, more often than I thought.”
It’s clear that the biggest predator of my logic-filled reason is Go Yohan’s self-centered values. Go Yohan, whose world revolves around himself. Go Yohan, who is as confident as someone born a king and dying a king, even though he holds the weakness of liking men like me.
“……”
What makes me feel bad is that there’s really nothing to refute. I lost to Go Yohan’s nonsense. When I became silent, Go Yohan overlapped his hands again as if praying and said in a tone full of pity.
“But don’t take it too seriously. There was no special meaning in touching your ear either. I didn’t have any malice. You know I play a lot of pranks like this.”
This time it’s not a lie. Go Yohan definitely plays worse pranks on his friends than he just did to me. He grabbed and tormented their chests as if he was going to burst them, and he used his playing friends as toys, treating them like the scum of the earth. So this action is just one of Go Yohan’s ordinary daily routines. Likewise, I’m just one of the props in Go Yohan’s ordinary daily life.
Go Yohan smiled and lightly spread both hands and said.
“Then we’re done here.”
Also, the fact that I’m swimming in the middle class inside Go Yohan’s pyramid hasn’t changed.
“……Okay.”
I see. That’s why Go Yohan gave me a superficial victory.
The conclusion of the sudden change was this. Win-win. Unlike Han Jun-woo, Go Yohan chose to compromise. Trading pride, he’s quite the skilled businessman. A not-so-good smile naturally came to my face. At least, he’s saying he’ll protect Kang Jun’s pride on the outside. For the carrot he’ll get from me. I don’t know exactly what that is. For a bigger future. Go Yohan is a natural-born businessman.
I knew it. A cunning bastard. But I’m just a pitiful middle-class snake who has to accept this offer. What can I do? Yes, I have no choice but to survive by sticking around like a bat without principles. It was a sweet trap that I had no choice but to fall into with my low rank. Damn it.
At my answer, Go Yohan slightly raised his neatly gathered hands and smiled brightly. The Rosary was still swaying on his white wrist.
“Yeah, what’s so good about being alone? It’s just boring.”
“……”
“Now is perfect. Right?”
The blunt fingertips tap the dirty table. Every time it touched the table, which must have been dazzlingly white at first, a dirty sensation touched and fell away. When he pressed down with force, it pulled as if he was going to eat it, and when he fell away, the strange feeling of clinging to it made my head feel heavier.
“Yeah.”
Go Yohan is right. I’ve now barely blended into the atmosphere of the class. The nickname Mama’s Boy Kang Jun was still going around, but no one called my implicit nickname in front of me as a joke. Im Yun-gi and Park Ha-on started talking to me, and even Shin Jae-hyun talked to me again.
Wait.
Come to think of it, Shin Jae-hyun hadn’t talked to me since Go Yohan pretended to reconcile with me?
“……Could it be.”
I turned my head again and looked in the direction Shin Jae-hyun had disappeared. And I was sure. I see. He ran away because Go Yohan was coming. I was a little disappointed. There’s no saint in the world.
As I was thinking that, I suddenly heard the sound of fingers colliding next to me. The sound of the index finger and thumb colliding focused my vision. The spirit that was covered in an opaque fog suddenly turned white. When I opened my eyes wide and looked at Go Yohan, Go Yohan, who had straightened his back, stuck out his playful face and said this.
“Jun-ah?”
Only Go Yohan was clearly visible in the white fog.
It’s Go Yohan’s talent. Go Yohan knows how to make himself the most noticeable in any situation. And it’s definitely true that he feels anxious if other people’s attention isn’t directed at him. If it’s someone he likes, Go Yohan is disturbingly depressed and pathetic.
Then I feel good again. I was truly a small canary trapped in Go Yohan’s cage.
Others would hate it and ask for freedom, but I decided to be satisfied in this state. First of all, I didn’t want to experience the moments of contempt I had suffered during that short time again, and I didn’t want to lose the power I had been given by Go Yohan. I had deeply realized that the power I had had was Bat’s power. Go Yohan had frighteningly figured me out.
“It’s nothing.”
Then I should sing a sweet song to the owner who feeds me. At a level that’s just not dangerous, like a friend. I opened my mouth, looking at Go Yohan, who was twitching one eyebrow.
“I was just thinking.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Just…”
I glanced at Go Yohan’s ear and continued. My gaze naturally reached the end of his ear. My persistent gaze pierced through the small changes.
I hope Go Yohan doesn’t forget that I’m also the son of a businessman.
“About you, this and that.”
It’s not a lie. It’s not a lie. I could see the color reddening at the end of my persistent gaze. The end of his sharp ear turned red. It was instantaneous. Because Go Yohan covered his ear as if he was combing his hair. I suddenly recalled my pathetic moments of gauging my victory with this phenomenon. The fact that the person in love is the weak one only applied to me.
Go Yohan is different from me.
“Ahem, ahem.”
Go Yohan, who was strangely clearing his throat, straightened his posture and sat next to me. The heavy weight pressed down on the flimsy plastic chair, causing my body to shake slightly as well. When will they replace this garbage chair? That’s what happens when the school only saves money. I should have just forced myself to go to Minsa High School or an Autonomous Private High School. I shook my head without thinking and looked down at Go Yohan’s thigh.
Go Yohan’s leg is trembling slightly.
“It looks like the bell is about to ring, should we go up?”
His voice is trembling slightly. I still looked at his leg and answered.
“Let’s do that.”
As I expressed my agreement, I felt a long arm suddenly wrap around my shoulder. The cold flesh, as if it had been hit by the cold wind, wrapped around my nape. Go Yohan’s scent stung my nose. I was truly a bird trapped in a cage. That’s what I suddenly thought, trapped in his long arm.
And when my thoughts continued and turned to Shin Jae-hyun again. I suddenly realized his mistake. Go Yohan, who recognized my body trembling with realization like a ghost, asked.
“Why?”
“Huh? No, I just had a thought.”
“What kind of thought?”
He lightly tapped my chest with his hand that had gone down below my shoulder to put his arm around me. It was so natural that I didn’t know if it was a joke or sincere. I smiled again this time and lied.
“Just wondering if we should go back to the classroom together now.”
Not at all. I was thinking about Shin Jae-hyun. Shin Jae-hyun cleverly escaped my question, but if I retrace my memory and combine the words he said, it’s really true that he cursed Go Yohan.
What, then my words were real?
I realized that I had thrown a bigger bait than I thought.
It’s really a smile with a dagger hidden inside. This disgusting gray building was truly an insidious prison where betrayal and treachery prevailed. It said in the Bible. Humans live on this earth suffering as a price for sin. Then male high school students must be foolish repeat offenders who haven’t repented of their sins. Especially the poor and uneducated ones. That means they have no common sense.
If I were to pick the most senseless guys in my life, it would be Han Jun-woo first, Go Yohan second, and Kim Min-ho third.
There was another reason why Kim Min-ho was mentioned. When Go Yohan and I were eating, there were always people who subtly approached us. Most of them were Kim Seok-min and Lee Seok-hyun. Occasionally, Kim Min-ho and Park Dong-cheol would join, following Kim Seok-min.
Go Yohan’s words were true. When asked who I was eating with, I just said I was eating with whoever sat next to me. But when I thought about it, there were only a few guys who would sit next to me. Kim Seok-min, Lee Seok-hyun… It was obvious. The reason I couldn’t think of it right away was simple. I didn’t know these guys were so shameless.
Kim Min-ho and Park Dong-cheol were still idiots, no matter how I thought about it. Was Go Yohan’s power that great? But I soon realized my foolishness.
What’s the difference between them and me?
I’m no different, having reattached myself to Go Yohan. Wow, self-loathing is washing over me. So, to others, Kim Min-ho and Park Dong-cheol are no different from me.
“Kang Jun, hi.”
And as if to prove my thoughts, Park Dong-cheol awkwardly smiled and waved as soon as he saw my face. I was a little shocked and couldn’t close my mouth. Am I really the same as that bastard? While my mind went blank, Kim Min-ho sat next to me. What, why is this bastard sitting here?
“Yohan, you, you son of a bitch, are wandering around alone again. It’s a pain in the ass to find you.”
He didn’t just happen to sit down. That’s why I was even more flustered. Kim Min-ho deliberately sat next to me. He went all the way around the table to sit next to me, across from Go Yohan. And he even pretended to be friendly with me.
“Ah, fuck, there’s so much kimchi. Isn’t there?”
Didn’t he get dumped by Go Yohan to the point of embarrassment? But he’s as persistent as shit stuck to a goldfish. So, are they treating the fact that Kim Seok-min and Lee Seok-hyun abandoned Kim Min-ho as if it never happened?
“…Yeah. There’s a lot.”
No, that’s absolutely impossible. Especially guys with bad tempers like Kim Min-ho don’t forget this debt. But Kim Min-ho acted like nothing happened. Kim Min-ho raised his body halfway and grabbed the chair. The sound of the steel chair scraping against the fake marble floor cut through the conversation loudly.
“But doesn’t our school’s kimchi taste like iron? I get a tingling taste every time I put it in my mouth?”
“It’s probably Chinese. Would the principal use domestic products for the school lunch? He’s putting it all in my pocket.”
I wasn’t the one who answered. I was busy trying to keep my expression flat, trying not to show as much aversion as possible. Because I didn’t like Kim Min-ho’s breath coming so close. Kim Seok-min, who was already sitting next to Go Yohan, piled rice on his spoon and answered Kim Min-ho’s mumbling, who was sitting farthest away from him. He was indeed a pacifist.
“Seok-min, don’t use difficult words. Love Korean, you son of a bitch. What’s ‘in my pocket’?”
“It means he’s stashing money away. You idiot.”
“What? Idiot? Don’t be ridiculous. Wanna compare our grades?”
White grains of rice chewed by Kim Min-ho popped out of his mouth and fell on the dirty table. I couldn’t help but frown. If they were going to shout and scream while talking, why didn’t they just sit together? Even as I complained, I was trying to judge the situation by the positions they were sitting in.
The unconscious is a signal that reveals what you want to hide. Most of those signals appear in the body. Typically, where you sit. Go Yohan didn’t join the conversation and just watched with one arm on the back of his chair. Nevertheless, he’s at the center of this table. He even ate his food with only one hand. And even the sausage of Kim Seok-min next to him went into Go Yohan’s mouth without exception.
“Huh? Yohan, what are you doing?”
“I thought you didn’t like it since you weren’t eating it.”
Go Yohan grinned, showing his teeth. And he naturally turned his eyes to the sausage of Lee Seok-hyun, who was sitting on the opposite side.
“Hey! What do you mean I don’t like sausage!”
“What. If you liked it, you should have eaten it before someone else took it. You got robbed.”
“Ah, what are you talking about. Look at this bastard, not eating his rice and only eating sausage. What a thief.”
“I hate brown rice.”
This time, Go Yohan easily took Lee Seok-hyun’s sausage with his chopsticks, widened his eyes, put the food in his mouth, and said that. And then the steel chopsticks went to Kim Seok-min’s lunch again.
“It’s a buffet, a buffet.”
At Go Yohan’s joke, Kim Seok-min called him a son of a bitch, a son of a bitch.
Kim Seok-min tried to stop Go Yohan’s intrusion again, but he was robbed of everything. Go Yohan’s chopsticks were truly fast and accurate. In addition, Go Yohan playfully twisted Kim Seok-min’s wrist, which was held out in front of his face, backward.
“Ah! Shit, that hurts!”
“Then who told you to put your pig’s feet in front of my face? It ruins my appetite.”
“What appetite? You’re saying that looking at the rice you haven’t even touched.”
Kim Min-ho scolded Go Yohan, making a threatening gesture with his hand. What Go Yohan did in response was truly shocking.
“Really? Then you eat it all.”
With that, Go Yohan smiled and used his spoon to scoop up a bunch of clumped rice and threw it onto Kim Min-ho’s lunch. As if throwing a stone with a catapult. Thud. With a heavy sound, the lumps of rice were scattered miserably on Kim Min-ho’s lunch.
“……”
“Wow, it suits you well. It’s just your rice. Isn’t it?”
“……Ah, you son of a bitch!”
Kim Min-ho screamed. The soup that had surged up due to the weight of the rice that had collided in a lump splattered on my hand. Ah, damn it. I quickly raised my hand and looked at my hand with the soup dripping down. And the moment I raised my head, I met Go Yohan’s eyes.
I frowned as if protesting and tried to show him the back of my hand with the lukewarm soup on it, but Go Yohan quickly turned his gaze back to Kim Min-ho and spoke to him quite kindly.
“Eat well. Okay?”
“You son of a bitch… What? Do you really want to die? You, you son of a bitch, you fucking…”
“Min-ho. Just let it go coolly. Coolly.”
It was Kim Seok-min who calmed Kim Min-ho, who had momentarily burst out. Go Yohan shook the spoon with a few grains of rice on it and smiled, Lee Seok-hyun smirked and ate the soup, and Kim Min-ho chewed his lip alone and muttered in his usual cheap tone.
“Damn it, I, the nice guy, have to be patient. Go Yohan, that mean son of a bitch.”
“……”
In the time I was gone, the relationship between these four had returned to what it used to be. Why? Then I can’t help but wonder. What, Go Yohan. You said you don’t befriend guys who are split in half? I frowned and chewed my lip.
But the reason why I was just rolling my eyes without saying anything was because there was a change. First, Kim Min-ho, who always sat next to Go Yohan, sat next to me.
This is proof that Kim Min-ho’s rank has fallen.
“But Chinese kimchi is delicious.”
“Who cares, you little shit.”
Park Dong-cheol, who awkwardly smiled and snickered in that situation and quickly jumped in, is the same. And Kim Min-ho, who embarrasses Park Dong-cheol, is the same. This hasn’t changed yet. I shook my hand and picked up my chopsticks again. Should I just go wash up? As I was wondering, Kim Min-ho’s thick voice invaded my ear.
“But, did you guys really fight?”
“Me?”
Why is he getting so close? I leaned back a little, expressing my displeasure, and Kim Min-ho nodded as if it were obvious.
“Then who else, you idiot. Me? You and Go Yohan fought. Right?”
He’s not the one to talk, being the protagonist of the Cold War. If Go Yohan was the declarer of war, Kim Min-ho was a malicious bystander. He treated me like I didn’t exist, but as soon as I started eating lunch with Go Yohan, he started pestering me, which was even pathetic. This pitiful creature who can’t escape from under Go Yohan even after being trampled on so embarrassingly is disgusting.
“Kang Jun, Kang Jun, tell me. Why did you fight? Was it you? Did you do something wrong?”
At the same time, he can’t ask Go Yohan and pokes my side with his elbow. Ha. So, I’m still under you.
Go Yohan was just stuffing several sausages into his mouth and chewing. Go Yohan, who always insists on etiquette in strange places, hated the most when someone talked while chewing food. This bastard has no intention of helping me. I gave up and racked my brain.
“We just had a little argument. We all grow up fighting, don’t we? High school students.”
“Hey, bullshit.”
“It’s true. Yohan. Right?”
I passed my responsibility on to Go Yohan. Go Yohan stared at me silently like a camel, chewing his mouth, and after a while, he swallowed and answered.
“Of course, isn’t it best for guys to fight with words in a petty way.”
“Ah, damn it. It’s Kang Jun. Kang Jun did something wrong. This bastard acted like a nerd? That’s why he always walked around like an idiot with his head down. He ignored greetings.”
“Hey, no, I didn’t.”
“No, I am an i-di-ot.”
Kim Min-ho slams his forehead against the cheap plywood table that’s glued together. He grabs his forehead that he hit and deliberately screams even louder.
“Ah, damn it! That hurts! Ah! It hurts!”
“What are you doing. It’s not funny.”
That’s what Lee Seok-hyun said. At that, Kim Min-ho, who had been making a fuss, suddenly closed his mouth. And he awkwardly stroked his forehead with his finger and muttered.
“Ah, you sons of bitches. You used to laugh so well… When did the comedy point change?”
“You idiot. What’s funny about you just screaming like a pig?”
“Damn it, pig? Do you want to die?”
“Why are you suddenly getting angry? You usually laugh it off.”
Lee Seok-hyun’s tone was the same as before, but the atmosphere had subtly changed. Kim Min-ho pretended not to hear and waved to a classmate far away. He was clearly showing that he didn’t want to get involved in this fight. The hierarchy has changed.
“Damn it, you son of a bitch. Look at this fucking bastard. You didn’t call me that with that intention just now.”
“Hey, then what else should I call a pig… Ah! I got it. I won’t call you that. Kim Min-ho. Min-ho. Kim Min-ho. Okay?”
“……”
Kim Min-ho finally put down his chopsticks as if throwing them and closed his mouth. Go Yohan scanned the two with his eyes and drank water. He must have finished drinking, but he put the stainless steel cup to his mouth and tilted his head. He even tapped the table with his fingers and hummed a strange tune. Kim Seok-min looked around and talked to a classmate far away. It was loud and flashy, as if trying to cover up this war of nerves.
“Hey! What’s the fifth period later?”
The word “English” was heard from far away. At that, Kim Min-ho muttered to himself as if complaining.
“We have P.E., damn it. I can’t digest if I run after eating. Our class schedule is fantastic. Fantastic.”
“Ah, that’s right. It’s so annoying.”
Of course, Park Dong-cheol, who was sitting in that corner, was the only one who answered. I instinctively rolled my eyes quickly and inferred the results of the hierarchy fight that had taken place while I was gone. So, it seemed that Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Seok-min were living a better life after Go Yohan’s ‘selection’.
Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Seok-min, who were on the same level as Kim Min-ho, got closer to Go Yohan’s position by using their friend’s head as a stepping stone. And my gaze turned back to Park Dong-cheol. Park Dong-cheol lowered his head, raised his eyes, and looked around. Then he met my eyes, gave an awkward smile, and buried his head in his tray.
Park Dong-cheol, you traitor.
To be honest, I still can’t forget the soccer ball that bastard kicked. But I’m angry that he’s still in front of me without apologizing. I was more angry that Park Dong-cheol still thought he didn’t have to apologize to me than the fact that I was hit. If Park Dong-cheol is thinking that way, there must be a reason. Isn’t it because he heard what Kim Seok-min, Lee Seok-hyun, and Kim Min-ho were saying behind his back?
Okay, if you’ve thought of a suspicion, you have to confirm it. I opened my mouth to justify the suspicion I had. First, let’s induce a conversation. So, my fifth period class is…
“I have English in the fifth period.”
“Hey! But did you guys hear? The principal is bald.”
“Really? Hey, damn it. Prove it scientifically. Bring a balloon. Damn it.”
“……”
I was just ignored. The words I said were drowned out by the loud voices of these two.
Before I could even finish speaking, Lee Seok-hyun shouted loudly, and Kim Min-ho raised his head and chuckled. Kim Seok-min even joined in, joking about pushing him down the stairs or pretending to accidentally grab and tear it off.
“……Ah.”
This is definitely intentional. My blood runs cold. I still can’t get used to being ignored. I put the trembling chopsticks on the tray. Lee Seok-hyun clearly intentionally cut off my words and brought up a trivial topic. I hid my trembling hands under my legs.
I raised my head. Through my confused vision, I met the eyes of Go Yohan, who was still playing with the cup. It couldn’t be helped. Go Yohan was sitting in front of me. And he clearly saw it. Go Yohan was chuckling and tilting the cup. His eyes clearly contained ridicule. As if saying that no matter how hard you try, this is where you belong. And he took the cup out of his mouth and slowly opened it.
“That’s right, I have English.”
The reaction that followed was completely different from mine.
“Ah, damn it. English? Who made an English sound here? Our Yohan will just have to lie down and sleep.”
“What are you talking about. I’m really good at English.”
“Huh? You cheated on Kang Jun’s test.”
Go Yohan raised his middle finger at the guys who were sure that he had gotten his grades by copying Kang Jun’s test. Followed by cheerful laughter. Everything was still different from me.
My face is getting hotter and hotter. You, you, you bastards. I silently took my hands off the table and looked at the lunch that was not even half empty. I was upset with unfair embarrassment.
“Jun-ah, why aren’t you eating?”
The more hateful bastard is the son of a bitch who’s only now singling me out and talking to me. Go Yohan smiled and carefully placed the only egg roll left on his lunch on my lunch.
“You like this, right? Eat a lot.”
After that, a strange silence flowed. Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Seok-min’s gazes turned to me. I suddenly felt a strange anxiety and rolled my eyes. What is it, this atmosphere. Kim Min-ho nodded to himself, saying “Ah-.” and snickered. The atmosphere was eerily unsettling. Go Yohan seemed to be the only one who didn’t care about this awkward and burdensome situation. While I was figuring out the atmosphere, Kim Min-ho suddenly jumped in.
“Oh, Go Yohan. Now you’re taking care of him?”
He’s subtly sarcastic. I thought Kim Min-ho was crazy, but Kim Min-ho was always crazy. Perhaps with the same thought as me, Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Seok-min shook their heads slightly. Kim Min-ho scoffed at the two of them.
“What, why?”
“Why?”
Go Yohan is just asking back at Kim Min-ho’s question. Go Yohan stretched out his neck and looked at Kim Min-ho. Very intensely. To the point of being burdensome. There’s no light in Go Yohan’s eyes. The pitch-black eyes looked at Kim Min-ho deeper and deeper.
“Can’t I take care of him?”
Kim Min-ho was about to smile and say something, but his face contorted for a moment.
“Will something bad happen?”
It contorts more every time Go Yohan continues to speak. In the quiet coercion, Kim Min-ho finally declared surrender.
“No, nothing.”
“If it’s nothing, you shouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. Don’t be a moron.”
Go Yohan smiled and said that as soon as he heard Kim Min-ho’s declaration of surrender. What happened after that? Literally nothing happened. They continued their low-level conversation again.
And I got another chance to think about their shallow friendship. It was the time when the sixth period ended. During the break, I went out into the hallway to avoid the guys in the front row who kept talking to me in a burdensome way and accidentally met Homeroom Teacher.
“Jun-ah. I’m glad I met you. Where are you going now?”
“Ah, I was just walking around to wake up.”
I just answered, but Homeroom Teacher was happy.
“Then can you go to the computer lab? Teacher had a moving class, but as soon as the class ended, I had something to do and came out without turning off the computer on the teacher’s desk. Can you just turn it off? I don’t think I’ll have time to go before the next class. Can I ask you for this favor?”
There’s no reason why I can’t. There’s no good in giving Homeroom Teacher a bad impression.
“Yes. It’s okay.”
“Thank you so much. I live because of Jun-i. Ah! If you get thirsty later, sneak into the faculty office. Teacher will secretly give you a frozen drink, just for Jun-i.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m fine.”
I just need to press the power button and come back, I thought, but then a thought flashed through my mind. Oops, if it’s break time, the screen must be locked. Then I’d have to find another teacher and ask. Not wanting to waste my time, I hurriedly grabbed Homeroom Teacher and asked.
“Teacher, what’s the password?”
“Password?”
“For the computer. I need the password to turn it back on from sleep mode.”
“Ah, right.”
Homeroom Teacher seemed to have forgotten for a moment, as he opened his mouth and made a blank sound. Then, after seeming to ponder for a moment, he opened his mouth.
“Well, Jun-i wouldn’t do anything bad… It’s 92406789. Can you remember it? Should I write it down?”
“No, I can remember it.”
“Good. Then I’m counting on you!”
Homeroom Teacher seemed to be really busy as he hurried down the hallway, and I bowed humbly as if to show off.
And as I walked blankly, I saw a familiar sight in the computer lab. It was Kim Seok-min, Lee Seok-hyun, and Park Dong-cheol. It wasn’t a big deal. These guys would seize any opportunity to surf the internet as long as the computer lab was open. Homeroom Teacher called me because he was worried that these kids would mess with the computers. He must have thought that I was the only one who could chase these kids away. I don’t know if Homeroom Teacher is oblivious, or if he really trusts me that much.
“…Ah, seriously.”
If I talk to them here and get ignored again, I think I’ll really go crazy. A wave of depression washes over me. As I stood in front of the open door, wondering what to do, I decided to just turn off the computer and come back. It’s Homeroom Teacher’s errand, after all.
I muffled my footsteps and headed to the teacher’s desk. And quietly took out the keyboard and pressed enter. When the plastic button clicked, I was startled for a moment and reflexively looked at the three who were chatting. Fortunately, the guys who were hiding in the back of the classroom and fiddling with the computer seemed too busy talking among themselves to notice me. I pressed the password as quietly as possible.
I moved the mouse as quietly as possible, without taking my eyes off them. Then, one of the programs on the screen accidentally caught my eye.
“Huh.”
There’s no place as tempting as the computer lab. But there’s no way the teachers wouldn’t have created a way to easily catch unruly students messing around in this vast computer lab. I thought there would be, but I didn’t expect there really would be. After hesitating for a moment, I carefully clicked on the program that looked suspicious to anyone.
As soon as the program window opened, more than 40 windows popped up. It was as I expected. My gaze shifted between the three high school students and the bright monitor. Only one of them was turned on. I moved the mouse, still not taking my eyes off them. Click-. As soon as the sound was made, a roadmap photo appeared on the screen.
Only then did I shift my gaze and look at the screen. The location they were looking at and laughing about was exactly the opposite side of the neighborhood where I live. And the screen showed the same rusty blue roof and cracked concrete walls.
What is this? This old house.
“Wow, this is crazy, what is this? Is this even a house?”
“Kim Min-ho, you son of a bitch, you were a total beggar?”
Then suddenly, Park Dong-cheol laughed loudly. Looking closely, he was holding the attendance book. Come to think of it, Kim Min-ho and Park Dong-cheol were in the same class. I suddenly remembered that our school’s attendance book even had the students’ home addresses. That’s why the teachers didn’t entrust the attendance book to the students. It seems Park Dong-cheol somehow got his hands on it.
“I knew he was poor, but I didn’t know he was this poor. So, is this guy in the same boat as that Han Tae-san bastard? And he was acting all high and mighty?”
“This son of a bitch borrowed 30,000 won from me and didn’t even pay it back.”
Park Dong-cheol said, holding up the attendance book with a smug voice.
“Wow, Kim Min-ho’s in trouble? Is this guy a thief?”
Surprisingly, it was Kim Seok-min who defended Park Dong-cheol. He wasn’t a pacifist, but a timid politician. I felt my blood run cold. I was certain. The hand holding the edge of the mouse trembled slightly. It was the moment when the suspicion I had been building up turned into certainty.
These bastards are the culprits who wrote about Deposed Consort Kang. It’s clear. It must be. It’s definitely these bastards.
“We should report him to the police. Kim Min-ho hasn’t paid me back since last year.”
Lee Seok-hyun chuckled softly.
For some reason, I felt like I shouldn’t be hearing this conversation. I instinctively felt certain. I must not get caught here and leave. I got involved for no reason. I blamed myself for being stupid and lowered my body slightly. Once again, I quietly moved the mouse and turned off the computer. The monitor instantly turned black and displayed the word ‘standby’. And then I realized my mistake and screamed inwardly.
“Kang Jun, you idiot…!”
I desperately reached for the speaker connected to the computer.
But it was already too late. I had forgotten because it’s natural for computers to turn off quietly these days. Have I become stupid from holding my head in my hands for so long? I know how old and sick the computers in the school computer lab are. The problem was that the speaker was inside the glass window on the teacher’s desk. Before I could reach it by putting my hand inside, 10 seconds, 9 seconds, 8 seconds, 7 seconds…
The screen turned black, following the short musical sound coming from high to low. I raised the body I had lowered to turn off the speaker and bit my lip hard. What a shitty situation. I thought I was lucky today, damn it. Am I really cursed with bad luck?
I swallowed the annoyance that was pushing in. My regrets passed through the gulping saliva. Well, now that I’ve done it, what good would it do to cling to it pathetically?
As I raised my body, the three of them were looking at me. I pretended to be nonchalant and raised my hand.
“Hi.”
“……”
“……”
“……Oh, hi.”
It was Kim Seok-min who awkwardly raised his hand first. I decided to set a clear goal. What would they do if they found out I was eavesdropping on their gossip? I didn’t want to get involved in a pointless, headache-inducing situation, but that’s how it turned out. I should have gotten rid of this personality beforehand. It’s my nature. There’s nothing I can do.
The next best thing is Kim Seok-min, the pacifist who hates fighting. This guy is a selfish neutral who wants to maintain every situation peacefully. He’s selfish because he’s neutral in every situation. He wants the middle ground for both the victim and the perpetrator. Kim Seok-min’s peace comes from avoidance. It was obvious that his avoidance would be helpful to me.
“Homeroom Teacher asked me to turn off the computer. Homeroom Teacher always asks me to do this and that whenever he sees me.”
“Ah……”
“We have to lock the door soon, so I think you guys should leave too.”
Our eyes met in the air. I leaned forward as casually as possible. I mustn’t criticize them here. Then they’ll take my moral advice as an attack and recognize me as an enemy. That’s just how guys are. I can’t escape that instinct either. Especially if they think I’m on a similar level to Park Dong-cheol.
“How did you guys end up here?”
“Ah, Seok-hyun and I had class here.”
“Ah, I see.”
I opened my mouth and nodded. I deliberately shifted my gaze slowly to the attendance book. I could see the three of them following my gaze to the attendance book. Park Dong-cheol seemed to have noticed something and awkwardly hid the attendance book behind his back. As if I wouldn’t recognize it. He was holding it in his hand for everyone to see just before, what’s with hiding it now? He seems to have low intelligence anyway.
“Then……”
I thought they would start a fight and accuse me of stealing something. They’re acting like people who have been caught committing a crime by a tattletale.
Kim Min-ho, you’re more impressive than I thought. Well, even when Go Yohan told them to abandon Kim Min-ho, these guys kept an eye on Kim Min-ho until the end, and the fact that they didn’t exclude Kim Min-ho from the group even after that incident proves Kim Min-ho’s value.
Kim Min-ho in Go Yohan’s standards and in their world is different. Wow. I, who was looking down from Go Yohan’s position with arrogance, was lightly hit on the back of the head. I was being pretentious before I was almost abandoned by Go Yohan. Who am I to look down on these bastards? That’s why I got hit in the back of the head. How stupid.
I turned my gaze to the door and continued. Should I pretend I didn’t see anything and leave, or should I make it obvious that I saw everything?
“You guys should listen to the next class well……”
Just like I was so caught up in Han Jun-woo that I didn’t notice the downfall around him, the same thing must have happened this time. Right. I always saw the world through the standards that Go Yohan created. But, there are also standards in a situation where Go Yohan is absent.
Muscle pig Kim Min-ho. It’s all fat made from instant food, but considering Kim Min-ho’s height, that fat is overwhelmingly present. Kim Min-ho was a pig who was taller than Han Jun-woo, after all.
“See you later.”
And everyone knows who the best seesaw player in this dirty school is, even if no one asks. Bat Kang Jun. He’s amazing at finding the smell of losers and crawling to the smell of winners. A mama’s boy young master who pours his study brains into politics. That’s why Kang Jun lived a comfortable life.
That Kang Jun decided to pretend he didn’t know about this situation and leave.
“I’m going.”
“……Okay, bye.”
But did Kang Jun really live a comfortable life? With a smaller build than others and a face that’s only good on the outside and is often ignored by others? If I wasn’t careful, I would have just become a money source for those bastards to play with, or a so-called homework vending machine.
I heard the sound of air escaping from my slippers filled with air. The door is open anyway. I just need to step over the threshold. But the reason I’m dragging my feet like this is.
“Hey, Kang Jun.”
It was because I was waiting for Lee Seok-hyun.
Surely, surely Lee Seok-hyun will say something. Because, unlike the pacifist Kim Seok-min, Lee Seok-hyun is a planner who uses his brain to gain profit. He’ll want to be sure. I didn’t stop acting. I turned around as if I was surprised.
“Why?”
“Are you going to tell?”
Lee Seok-hyun asked, turning his body halfway. It seems the three of them are already convinced that I heard everything. Do they know what I saw? Lee Seok-hyun probably knows. And I knew very well that my answer here was the most important thing.
“Tell what? To who?”
“You heard everything, you bastard. Are you going to tell Kim Min-ho everything?”
Wow, Kim Min-ho. Kim Min-ho has more talent for fear politics than I thought. Or maybe that bulk has talent. I thought they wouldn’t care whether Kim Min-ho heard them or not if they were going to ignore him by calling him a pig or something. Then they shouldn’t have insulted Kim Min-ho in the first place. What’s with them? Or at least be careful. I can’t understand them anyway.
“You know Kim Min-ho and Yohan haven’t been on good terms lately, right?”
“Ah, I see.”
“Well, you might not know because you’re busy studying, but we have some pent-up feelings towards Kim Min-ho too?”
I belittled their incomprehensible power struggles and praised Kim Min-ho’s wild political abilities in my own way, and grabbed the edge of the sliding door with my hand. Two paths appeared before my eyes. Threat or alliance.
“Dong-cheol has been fed up with Kim Min-ho’s tyranny for a long time… What are you going to do?”
It seems Park Dong-cheol has chosen the path of alliance. No, have they become a small country offering tribute to the thing they can chew on all day? As expected of a guy who boarded Go Yohan’s ship before Han Jun-woo went down. When I think about it, Park Dong-cheol and I are really on a similar level. There was a reason why I was being treated like Park Dong-cheol. I closed my mouth and made a thinking sound.
“Hmm……”
It was so quiet that I could hear the clock ticking. Even though the bell for the next class was about to ring, no one got up from their seats. Seeing the three of them looking at me as if they needed to hear a definite answer, my palms were sweating on their own. Right. I’m bluffing too.
“You know.”
But I don’t want to become Park Dong-cheol.
My pride won’t allow it. I don’t want to be called Park Dong-cheol 2. It’s annoying. If I’m going to be called anything, Park Dong-cheol should be called Kang Jun 2, shouldn’t he? So, I’ll never choose the paths that a stupider bastard than me has discovered and chosen. Even if it’s an absurd path, I won’t take a path created by someone worse than me.
“Don’t worry. I don’t have any evidence to prove it even if I tell. Would Min-ho believe me?”
So, the path I chose was giving up.
How refreshing!
I walked down the quiet hallway, mentally ringing the bell that had already rung. The dumbfounded expressions on the three of them were truly comedic. How could it be so funny?
These narrow-minded and narrow-headed idiots might have pictured me becoming a ridiculous extra who flatters them like Park Dong-cheol and participates in their gossip. How stupid. There’s no way I would take that path. I’ll say it again, my pride will never die.
“Ha, serves them right.”
I express my gratitude to Shin Jae-hyun. I can’t understand his values, but it was Shin Jae-hyun who told me about the option of abandoning first. Shin Jae-hyun is strangely suspicious, but it’s certain that he’s smarter and kinder than I thought. ‘No one chooses.’
I decided to interpret the saying that he doesn’t have close friends in order to not discriminate in my own way. It’s to try to understand Shin Jae-hyun in my own way. The value that came out of that was ‘Abandon before being abandoned.’ There’s no difference. The thought that you don’t choose anyone in order to choose someone means that you’re ignoring the desperation to be chosen.
Naturally, the gossip I heard at eighteen came to mind.
‘Kang Jun, the leech who sticks to Go Yohan and doesn’t fall off.’
Ew, bullshit.
What can I expect from the idiots who smoke cigarettes in the bathroom with unwashed, germ-infested hands, and mercilessly trample on someone on a cutting board?
I think I know why Shin Jae-hyun is always confident. It’s because he’s innocent. If there’s no group, there’s less guilt to carry together. I swept my hair back with a refreshed feeling. I should have done this sooner. I stopped walking forward and looked up at a slightly higher place.
Class 1, Grade 3. I closed my eyes quietly and thought.
Everyone says it. The end of high school is the time to choose and focus. It’s the time to figure out which subjects I’m good at and which subjects I’m bad at and delve into them. It’s the time to choose which subjects will be helpful to me and which subjects won’t be helpful to me. I thought about the subjects I should choose and focus on with everything visible blocked.
Judging by the standards of my life, Go Yohan is an unnecessary subject for me. As I thought that, I laughed in the empty hallway.
“Haha, that’s funny. Really.”
I confidently raised my head and walked powerfully. Right, Kang Jun. Now you have to walk the path to becoming an adult too. I have the college entrance exam in front of me, and there’s choice and focus. Go Yohan is a subject to be abandoned. There’s no need to have regrets. Right. For my future. For my righteous life, I have to abandon him.
A spirited hand opened the classroom door coolly. The low voices of the class stopped, and eyes that had seen a little more time than mine looked at me.
“Where have you been, you bastard?”
“I’m sorry. I went to the computer lab at Homeroom Teacher’s request.”
“Homeroom Teacher? Really?”
“Yes.”
A suspicious gaze scanned my body and quickly withdrew.
“Well, Jun-i wouldn’t lie. Go sit down.”
“Yes, I’m sorry for being late.”
I lowered my head slightly and raised it again. And naturally, uncontrollably, my body turned its gaze towards Go Yohan. It was a truly instinctive act. People naturally turn their gaze towards affection. And only after meeting those gloomy eyes did I realize my arrogance.
‘There are two types of choice and focus. You either delve into the subjects you’re good at like crazy, or you focus on solving the subjects you’re bad at.’
The words of my tutor quickly passed by.
‘But Jun-i, you’re obsessed with getting better at what you’re bad at. It’s just a waste of time.’
“……”
My eyelids slowly lower, heading towards the floor. My gaze returns to my toes. My steps slow again. Damn it. And I also realized that I was always a coward who had to find another love to run away from love. My frustration flows like a valley. That frustration passes through the cracks in the rock that is my true feelings and becomes a vast sea.
“Go Yohan, solve this problem.”
“Yes.”
Go Yohan. My hand, which was awkwardly holding the pencil, twitched. What can I do when I twitch at just that name? Forget Go Yohan? What a ridiculous thing to say. So, what are you going to do to forget him? What are you going to do to get rid of Go Yohan, who keeps doing those weird things? You’re just flapping your lips without a plan…
My fingertips tremble whenever Go Yohan moves. When Go Yohan finally passes by me, wafting a faint scent of soap, I experience my heart dropping to the floor.
Tap, tap, the sound of chalk scratching the blackboard.
I looked at Go Yohan’s back with slightly blurred vision. Broad, broad shoulders and a small head.
Then, Go Yohan’s Father naturally comes to mind. Tall stature, long coat, leather gloves… A kind and coercive voice, a refined way of speaking even if he is sometimes violent, and a unique sense of ease. Go Yohan will grow up to be that kind of man. Go Yohan’s large hand, with blue veins bulging, draws a white line.
“Oh, that’s right. Yohan is quite good these days.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and thought of someone else. You can say I have a dependent personality. It’s my first time in love, and I never dreamed I would live a life liking men. I found a shelter where I could at least take refuge. Just like I sought out Go Yohan to avoid Han Jun-woo.
I turned my eyes to the sound of the chalk. So, what should I do? To find my way? Then I have to stop loving first. Your method was wrong from the start.
Yeah, I’ve always been like this. I’ve always taken the wrong path. So, I shouldn’t have been greedy from the start. My thoughts run wild hundreds of times a day. As it is, I meet the me in my imagination and the me in reality hundreds of times a day. Just now, the real me beat the imaginary me to death.
“……”
I desperately turned my eyes and focused on one corner. Selection and concentration. Yes, I need to select and concentrate. And if I find the direction that allows me to take the easiest path, it will naturally be, as always, the only shortcut I know.
“I’ve solved it all.”
“Let’s see. Oh, that’s right. This is right too.”
My gaze turns to a light brown head of hair. Yankee, Shin Jae-hyun. He’s tall, his face is decent enough, his grades are naturally better than Go Yohan’s, and his family must be well-off if he’s studied abroad. I hate that my mind works like this. But I had to do it. Because it’s an act to find my ideal.
“This is right too. Wow, Go Yohan, you rascal.”
I forced myself to think. Yeah, Shin Jae-hyun. Isn’t Shin Jae-hyun good enough? If I’m a fool who can’t end love without bait, then let’s move on. Without Go Yohan finding out. Secretly. Without stopping the carrot, I’ll find a new path. And when I graduate, I’ll abandon Go Yohan.
“Did you study in advance?”
“No?”
Go Yohan’s cocky voice interrupts me. I tried to keep my gaze fixed on Shin Jae-hyun’s brown head of hair. Ah, no. I don’t feel any emotion. Hope crumbles.
No. With a desperate heart, I gripped the pen in my hand. Let’s try to love Shin Jae-hyun somehow. I can do it. I did it to Han Jun-woo, who I liked even more madly. Let’s do that foolish one-sided love thing again. And then throw it all away. I think I can get tired of Shin Jae-hyun quickly. Anyway, you’ve been thinking that love is an unnecessary thing in your life. No matter how much you like Go Yohan, it’s not worth betting your life on.
“Really? I was just thinking your grades are dropping little by little. You better work harder.”
“…Ah, yes.”
I hear Go Yohan’s voice, openly upset. As I hear the sound of Go Yohan moving, I whip my head around and bury it on the desk. Think about reality. Kang Jun. Let’s do it according to your original plan. While I was thinking that, a white hand invaded my vision. Two slender fingers dropped a white note on my desk.
The paper was crumpled like Go Yohan’s habit.
If I don’t read this, he’ll make a fuss again. The worry was short. I hate having aftereffects. Then I have to see it. The decision was also short. With trembling hands, I unfolded the note. My chest tingles and stabs my heart.
Go Yohan has bad handwriting. But this was written with so much force that the end of the ink turned black. Like he put all his effort into writing it beautifully. Even each letter has a different color. It was a note decorated with clumsy aesthetic sense. There was even a strange flower drawn at the end.
“……!”
I crumpled the note in a hurry, feeling like something was hammering my chest. And then I raised my head again and forced myself to look at Shin Jae-hyun’s back. Shin Jae-hyun, feeling my gaze, frowned and turned around. Well, I didn’t avoid it. I just made eye contact. I smiled, narrowing my eyes as I always did.
I wasn’t scared, and my heart wasn’t pounding. Then it’s okay.
Okay. Let’s like Shin Jae-hyun. Let’s have a one-sided love and then throw it away, as always. Let’s do that with Go Yohan too. I decided to do that from today. Go Yohan is not helpful in my life anyway. He’s like a rusty nail deeply embedded in a concrete wall.
Without knowing that the paper trapped in my palm was getting soaked, I made a vow.
Let’s maintain the current situation and love Shin Jae-hyun. Let’s use people as always. I’m the best at deceiving people. Go Yohan couldn’t beat me at that either. My lies were never as impromptu as Go Yohan’s, but long-term and realistic.
The sweetest carrot I can give Go Yohan is a reply to the note. It would be even better if it was positive. No, it has to be positive. For my smooth sailing. It’s even more important if it’s for my social indicators. Sometimes I wonder why I’m so obsessed with a voyage that will end as soon as I go to college, but I can’t help it.
Honestly, I’m scared. The hundreds of dead fish eyes that look down on me are disgusting. I hate the atmosphere that excludes me from every group. The subtle disregard I still feel every time I pass the central staircase gradually eats away at my mind.
Regardless of his glorious reinstatement, Kang Jun has still been reduced to ‘that kid who almost died for messing with Go Yohan.’
Ironically, the achievement that protected me was Hong Hwi-jun. The bastard who smashed Hong Hwi-jun’s nose. Still, Hong Hwi-jun was proof that Kang Jun wasn’t just a bookworm. Even in the midst of that, there’s been some check. I’ve become a fool who didn’t completely beat Hong Hwi-jun, but chased away evil by telling my mom, geez. My achievements have been tainted by my wealth.
I poked the back of my hand that was placed on the desk with the end of the pen that wasn’t opened. To be exact, I pressed the thin skin between my index finger and thumb. It would hurt more if I pressed it with the sharp tip, but I didn’t commit such a foolish act because it would reveal that I was abusing myself.
“……”
Deeper, I pressed the skin deeper. The soft skin was sucked into the end of the pen that was digging in. The wrinkles of the skin violently split. Just when the pain felt stronger than the tingling lower abdomen, I turned the pen once more and pressed it down hard, then took it off.
“It hurts.”
Only a bright red mark remained in the middle of the wrinkled skin. After staring intently at the mark, what I did was open the pen that had abused me. Pop, it was a clear sound that didn’t match the weapon that left a blue mark on the back of my hand.
The rustling sound flows through the quiet air. Before I knew it, the kids in the class were solving the five problems that the teacher had picked out. The school had already abandoned the textbook long ago. Anyway, who in this class doesn’t know the contents of the textbook? Starting with that, what the teacher said was, ‘Buy the workbook from xx Publishing.’ It’s the book on my desk. This book, which is not distributed nationwide but made by a private publishing company, is our school’s textbook. I picked up the end of the fake textbook and carefully tore it off. After hesitating for a moment, I pressed the pen tip firmly on the torn paper.
After taking the pen tip off, I thought. Is this really okay? But it’s an irresistible force. If I could avoid everything I wanted to avoid, it wouldn’t be Go Yohan. The reason why he sent this note today was also clear. Go Yohan knows. That I only have private tutoring at home today.
While the teacher was slumped over the podium, fiddling with the laptop he had brought, I turned my body and handed the crumpled paper to the guy behind me. I, who am of average height, sit in the middle of the classroom, and Go Yohan, who is the tallest in the school, sits in the back. So, I had no choice but to send the note in this way. The guy sitting behind me looked at me with a puzzled look, and I quietly said with my mouth.
“Give it to Go Yohan.”
And then, after returning to my original posture, I glanced at the back of my new refuge. The problems the teacher gave were no longer my homework. Back when I was rolling around under hundreds of dirty slippers, all I could do was bury my head and solve the workbooks.
The workbooks I already have have long been dirtied with pencils. While some kids were struggling with the problems, and some kids, like me, had finished studying in advance and were clinging to other problems. I was absurdly thinking about things that a teenage girl would think about while looking at the back of someone I didn’t even like.
What’s his phone number?
There is a subversive element during cleaning time. Who is it? It’s Go Yohan.
I should have known from the moment we were deciding on the cleaning area. I thought he was volunteering to clean the windows, which no one else wanted to do, but the conclusion was ditching. Anyway, I’ve never seen Go Yohan clean properly. I tried to ignore his behavior while sweeping the floor with a broom, but I came to my senses while chewing over my past self.
“Hey, Go Yohan.”
With as much kindness as possible, but just enough not to be suspicious.
“If you’re not going to do anything, why did you ask to be assigned to the cleaning area?”
“What? Why?”
“You were supposed to clean the windows. But why are you just sitting there without cleaning?”
“Ah, this?”
Really, Go Yohan was just sitting on the windowsill, dangling his legs, and looking around the entire classroom. As long as he wasn’t interfering with studying, the other kids in the class didn’t seem to have any intention of bothering him, so they just glanced at him and went back to what they were doing. Somehow, I ended up taking the lead. It’s not a strange situation since I was originally the one who took the lead to snipe at Go Yohan. However, it was an awkward situation because of what happened before. Surely the other kids are listening to our conversation strangely.
At my words, Go Yohan grinned and pointed at the sun once, tapped the window with a bit of water stains, and continued.
“Can’t you tell?”
“What?”
“You’re the top student in the school, don’t you even know common sense? I’m disinfecting. Disinfecting. Sunlight disinfection.”
“That’s common sense…”
I was speechless at Go Yohan’s absurd claim. Go Yohan, hearing me make a sound of disbelief, became even more excited and rambled on.
“You grew up so preciously that you’ve never even cleaned, have you? What do you know with that kind of background.”
“Hey… What kind of window do you disinfect with sunlight?”
“You don’t know. If you don’t get enough sunlight, bacteria will grow.”
“What nonsense are you talking about? According to you, the windows would be disinfected every day.”
“That’s right. So, if I put a wet rag on the window to clean it, more bacteria will grow there. It’ll be disinfected on its own if you leave it alone. So, not touching it is the best cleaning.”
“What, what kind of guy is this…”
I can’t even think of a rebuttal to the creative answers that come out every time I argue. I’ve never seen a guy who spouts such illogical things so confidently in my life, and as a result, I’ve never won against such illogical things. He subtly pretends to have logic, but when you listen to it, it’s nonsense. I racked my brain and soon gave up. Okay, it’s just going to hurt my head.
“Judging by your expression, you understand.”
“I’ve given up on understanding.”
“Giving up? Giving up is the first step to acknowledging different values. You can’t understand the other person if you’re trapped in prejudice.”You, you are something else.””
“Me? What about me?”
“Who the hell taught you that way?”
At least there wasn’t a psycho like this in Go Yohan’s family that I saw. Who on earth taught Go Yohan like this? As soon as he heard my words, Go Yohan stiffened his face a little and closed his mouth. The atmosphere sinks. Only then did I realize.
“No, I misspoke. Pretend you didn’t hear it. I’m sorry.”
Even so, I looked around.
“…I’m really sorry.”
As soon as I said that, a few people turned around with interesting faces. I bit my lip self-deprecatingly again. I’ve buried my head under Go Yohan’s legs again. Squalid Kang Jun.
“The world.”
Huh? Surprised, I raised my head. There was Go Yohan, with his back to the sunlight, making a slightly sad expression. I’m going crazy. I really must have said something wrong. An ice pick was stuck in the crown of my head. I, I remember Go Yohan on the day I made a mistake. Steps soaked in apology and shame approached Go Yohan. And it was when I was about to take the second step.
“The world made me this way.”
“……Huh?”
Is he serious? I didn’t know how to answer, so I just stared. I felt the muscles in my eyebrows drooping down. Go Yohan looked at the empty air with a slightly mournful face, then looked at me, suddenly sighed deeply, and started to laugh little by little. What is it. I straightened my body that had been leaning towards Go Yohan. Go Yohan glanced at me and finally sneered with his usual playful expression.
“Ah, what is it. It’s no fun because there’s no one to accept it.”
While I was staring blankly, he scratched the back of his head as if he was embarrassed, took his butt off the windowsill, and said this.
“Cleaning’s over.”
“…Really, that’s the end. Really?”
“Then, it’s real. Have you ever seen me lie?”
Then he went to his desk and picked up his bag. The familiar bag was hung on one of Go Yohan’s shoulders. Really, really is it really over? When I looked at Go Yohan with suspicious eyes, Go Yohan ended the answer by shrugging his shoulders once. And then, with his long legs, he strode over the busy brooms and went to my seat to pick up my bag.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“What else, I have to go home?”
Then he started randomly throwing pens and other things on the desk into my bag. Literally, he just threw everything on the desk into my bag. Finally, he slung my bag over his other shoulder and put his hands in his pockets. Go Yohan’s arrogant mouth opens. At the same time, Go Yohan’s sharp chin gestured slightly towards the back door of the classroom.
“Let’s go.”
“……”
“People who are done cleaning can leave, right?”
When I just stood there holding the broom, Go Yohan moved his long legs and strode towards me. And he took the broom I was holding. Uh… Before I knew it, Go Yohan had once again gone to the back of the classroom and put the broom in the cleaning supply box.
“Hey, you really. Why did you put it there.”
“What are you doing? Let’s go.”
At this point, there’s nothing to say. I glanced at the atmosphere in the classroom. The kids were all noisily talking and finishing up as if they weren’t interested.
In this kind of atmosphere, I can leave, right. My twitching steps headed towards Go Yohan.
Then, I suddenly realized that I was having the kind of worries that the middle class kids of the ‘extra life’ that I usually thought about would have. Unfortunately, that realization was completely forgotten by what Go Yohan said as he stroked the back of my neck with his fingers.
“Good boy.”
And the owner who was taming me wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I was automatically drawn into the warm prison of the liar. It felt like I was being sucked into an irresistible black hole. When I was unintentionally being encroached upon by Go Yohan, the person who pulled me out of the swamp was a really unexpected person.
“Jun-ah, are you leaving now?”
A timid voice called out to me. I turned around to see Homeroom Teacher smiling as she subtly swept her bangs to the side. The hand that swept her bangs fluttered weakly in the air. That movement, moving from front to back, seemed to be beckoning me.
“Can you come here for a second?”
“Yes?”
“You have something to receive from Teacher, right?”
“Something to receive… Ah, yes.”
I naturally became aware of my surroundings and pushed Go Yohan’s hand away. Just the disappearance of the long arm that had been wrapped around my back felt like a heavy rock had been lifted off my shoulders. Before heading towards Homeroom Teacher, I glanced at Go Yohan’s face. Go Yohan moved his lips without making a sound.
‘What is it?’
I waved my hand lightly, implying it was nothing, and quickly walked towards Homeroom Teacher.
“Looking at you, I thought you were just going to leave? I came to find you because you weren’t coming.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been so out of it lately…”
“Well, it’s a time to be out of it. Here you go.”
“Thank you for taking care of it.”
“No need to thank me, it’s just repaying what I’ve received. Then go quickly. Yohan must be waiting.”
“Yes, see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”
Homeroom Teacher’s small hand tapped my shoulder, and I roughly folded the gray paper she handed me and shoved it into my pocket. Then, I turned around and returned to Go Yohan, and Go Yohan’s gaze was fixed on my pants pocket.
“What?”
“This? It’s nothing. Just an Early dismissal pass.”
“Why?”
“Ah, I’m going to the hospital tomorrow. I got it in case I’m late.”
“Hospital?”
Go Yohan frowned slightly. What’s there to frown about? I raised my right arm to show Go Yohan.
“My right arm sometimes throbs.”
Even if it’s Go Yohan, he wouldn’t dare ask more than this. As expected, Go Yohan made an ‘ah’ sound and scratched his slender neck with his long fingers. It seemed to be his way of expressing his own embarrassment and apology. Fortunately, Go Yohan didn’t ask any further.
It’s really just like before. Go Yohan lay on the bed the whole time I was getting tutoring, just like he used to. I felt embarrassed for no reason, so I made excuses before the tutor even asked. Just like back then.
“My friend, he said he’d leave soon, but somehow he ended up staying with me… Is that okay?”
“As long as he doesn’t disturb me, it’s fine. Did you finish your homework?”
“Yes.”
The college student, who wasn’t a professional tutor but was teaching me just because he was studying business administration at Korea University, didn’t seem to care much. And well, I didn’t bother trying to read the mind of a college student who had nothing to do with my GPA like a school Teacher would.
Even after the tutor left, Go Yohan ate dinner at my house and even hummed as he searched for his belongings in my room.
“You didn’t throw away my books?”
“Don’t tell me you’re talking about those weird comics.”
“Yes. That’s right.”
“……”
Go Yohan is deliberately taking out all the things I shoved into the built-in closet because I didn’t want to see them. Watching him arrange those things in plain sight all over my room, I let out a soft sigh.
“Just take them back while you’re at it.”
“The books? Or the clothes? Or the game console?”
“Ga, game…”
I was speechless for a moment and stood there dumbfounded. There was a game console too? Where did he leave it?
“…Take it all.”
After hesitating for a moment, I said it with moderate firmness. I had to say what I had to say. Erasing Go Yohan’s traces was the biggest task I had to eliminate in order to erase Go Yohan from my life.
“Is my house your storage room?”
Of course, I expected Go Yohan to argue. The Go Yohan in my imagination would have. But the real Go Yohan surprisingly answered so coolly.
“Okay, I got it.”
Then, he picked up a few books roughly and said this.
“Then I can just take one each day, right?”
“……”
The way he narrowed his eyes as he said that was truly infuriating. So that was his intention. Go Yohan will barge into my house every day again with this excuse. It was a mistake to give him an opening once. I leaned back in my desk chair, regretting my mistake. Actually, I didn’t argue more on purpose. I could have said, ‘No, just take it all at once since you live next door,’ but I didn’t.
That was probably thanks to my nature of not being able to be firm with Go Yohan. The words of refusal swirled in my mouth thousands of times, but I didn’t say them for fear of making a mistake if I opened my mouth.
That’s because the scene of Go Yohan in his white summer uniform, revealing his pure white arms as he stroked various parts of my room, was putting me to the test. Every time Go Yohan raised his hand unnecessarily, his waistline was slightly revealed.
I hope Kang Jun dies. I hope he’s dead.
I lowered my head to stop myself. Then, the gray paper that slightly protruded through my pocket caught my eye. I watched Go Yohan lying on my bed with his eyes closed and took out the paper with a desperate feeling. The paper was indeed an Early dismissal pass. But what was more important was the information written on the back of the Early dismissal pass.
Just a few hours ago, I had asked Homeroom Teacher in the faculty room. I asked if I could go to the orthopedic clinic because my right wrist had been throbbing lately. Homeroom Teacher readily granted my request, and I quickly called Homeroom Teacher again.
‘Teacher, um… Could I ask you for one more favor?’
‘A favor, what’s going on? I’ll do anything Jun asks. What is it?’
‘Um, I might not be able to hear about the homework or the exam range if I’m late.’
‘Why? Should I ask other friends to take care of Jun’s stuff?’
‘No, it’s not that…’
I deliberately dragged out my words, looked down at the floor, and twisted my feet.
‘I, um…’
Then, when I slowly raised my head, there was Homeroom Teacher with a slightly crumbling expression. I thought. That’s it. I lowered my head even further to hide my smile. It might look like I’m sobbing a little to others. That’s even better.
‘The kids in my class don’t really like me these days…’
‘……’
As expected, Homeroom Teacher seemed to have noticed. Well, the incident in the science lab had already spread widely in the faculty room, and Homeroom Teacher had been so nosy even during the Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san incidents, so it was only natural. I paused once more and lowered my voice even more. Homeroom Teacher leaned in closer to my voice. Indeed, a kind Teacher.
‘So I was wondering if I could ask another friend separately… Would that be okay?’
‘O, of course. Of course. Who? Tell Teacher everything. I won’t tell anyone.’
Did she do this to Han Tae-san too? She probably did. Then Han Tae-san would have pointed at me back then. I unknowingly smiled derisively. I’m really in the same position as Han Tae-san. The situation is a little different, though. Yes, I am voluntarily standing in this position now. I opened my mouth, pretending to be wary with a slightly more squeezed voice.
‘Jae-hyun is… very kind.’
‘Jae-hyun?’
‘He even takes care of me when I can’t eat well…’
‘Ah, so that’s why…’
That’s all I needed to say to Homeroom Teacher. The fact that I had asked about Shin Jae-hyun before would have been a bigger catalyst. So I deliberately pretended to be more pitiful. I made myself a victim by exaggerating the already finished situation. It’s not really embarrassing. I just think of it as an investment in the future. The more pitiful I look to Homeroom Teacher, the better. Homeroom Teacher is more lenient towards the weak.
To be honest, my wrist was perfectly fine, let alone throbbing. My purpose was elsewhere.
The reward I received at the end of that pitiful act. I looked at that reward and alternately at Go Yohan lying on the bed across the paper. Go Yohan’s breathing rises and falls irregularly. It’s obvious. He’s pretending to be asleep. I left the prank full of demands to be observed and focused my gaze on the edge of the gray paper.