12 – A Twisted Life

The gaze is alive. Otherwise, it couldn’t be strangling my neck so vividly. No one is looking at me, but at the same time, everyone is.

In other words, I’ve become a clown since yesterday. The protagonist of a play that entertains thirty people in a small, square classroom. Of course, the ending of my play is a tragedy. Unfortunately, I don’t have a Demian to protect me. The biggest reason I felt the atmosphere actively changing was Park Ha-on and Im Yun-gi.

Actually, I expected it. So, when I entered the classroom and sat down, I deliberately didn’t greet them first.

“…….”

Before sitting down, I stared down at them quietly. Do they have eyes on the back of their heads? I definitely felt like they were looking at me. Eventually, Park Ha-on turned his head and greeted me first. Following Park Ha-on, Im Yun-gi slightly turned his head.

“Hi.”

“Yeah. Hi.”

It was a short greeting. Only then could I sit down.

Still, the two of them occasionally turned their heads and talked to me during breaks. Mostly, it was light talk that was useless. As always. But I felt a subtle wall, and it made me clearly feel that they had the intention of distancing themselves from me.

Rather, it was Oh Yeon-jun who started talking to me actively.

Oh Yeon-jun kept turning around and looking at me. He looked like he wanted to say something, but more than once, he looked at the back of the classroom and hurriedly turned his head forward.

“……Crazy.”

I wondered why he kept looking back there, but the realization came quickly. The very back of the classroom is Go Yohan’s seat.

“Foolish bastard.”

I muttered the curse under my breath. I was burning with jealousy.

Go Yohan was born to be loved and born to look down from above.

In the end, Go Yohan was the one who resembled Father the most among the three siblings. There is an insurmountable similarity in genes. Go Yohan resembled his Father. Maybe that’s why Go Yohan was always surrounded by people. Most of them wanted to be friends with Go Yohan.

In fact, there were many guys who envied Go Yohan. However, most of them envied Go Yohan’s conditions. Perhaps I was the only one who hated Go Yohan for no reason from the first time I saw him. Even Han Jun-woo liked Go Yohan, didn’t he? Go Yohan had that strange charm.

Still, I thought I would be better in this class. I thought the badge of being the top student in the school could be power here. No, I was sure of it. But it took me too long to realize that the honor of being the top student in the school was no different from the target of an arrow. Because I had never been the top student in the school.

Unfortunately, unlike Go Yohan, I didn’t have good fortune with people. The result was clearly revealed today.

Why do the kids love Go Yohan, who is in the bottom ranks in the class?

Go Yohan hasn’t done anything since he came into this class. He didn’t try to make a group, didn’t make fun of the teacher, and didn’t target anyone to bully.

Yet, Go Yohan became the protagonist of this class. Of course, unlike me, it’s a comedy. Go Yohan didn’t care about anyone’s eyes. He openly tore open snack bags noisily and crunched loudly, but he wasn’t hated. But how can he naturally sit at the top? When a subtle sense of inferiority grips me. Go Yohan moved. And my play began.

Creak – the sound of a steel chair scraping against the floor. As expected, the sound came from the very back. Because Go Yohan was the only one who could always be noisy in this atmosphere. And I hear footsteps. I also heard someone avoiding him. The place where the sound stopped was diagonally in front of me.

I knew for sure who the owner of the commotion was, so I didn’t raise my head. I definitely didn’t want to raise it. But hearing the sound is beyond my control.

“What are you doing?”

He wasn’t talking to me. Because Im Yun-gi, who was sitting in front of me, answered in embarrassment.

“Uh, huh?”

“Can you move?”

Go Yohan’s hand is visible through the blurry vision. He still has the Rosary. The hand with the Rosary is casually stuck in his school uniform pants. I lowered my head further and pretended to study.

“Ah, ah! Sorry. Sit here.”

“Thanks.”

What kind of position is it to have to say sorry even when giving up your seat? And what kind of position is it to shamelessly take someone else’s seat and receive an apology? Go Yohan sat in Im Yun-gi’s seat and put both arms on my desk. But Go Yohan’s coercion didn’t end there.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

I hear a rustling sound. A busy sound. All I can see is the problem with a shadow cast over it. Go Yohan’s quiet voice continued lower.

“I have something to talk about with Kang Jun.”

“Ah, sorry! Talk comfortably.”

I hear the sound of a chair moving. The creepy creaking sound scrapes the floor. I also hear the footsteps of Park Ha-on and Im Yun-gi walking down the hallway in a line. It’s not clear and the end drags on the floor. Regret drips from their footsteps.

Finally, there was no one around me. And then Go Yohan spoke to me.

“Kang Jun.”

Kang Jun. My heart collapsed at that moment.

Did he have to say it so pointedly? My chest was so stuffy that I couldn’t speak. I didn’t want to show others me pressed down by such a heavy weight. I didn’t answer and scratched the paper with a pencil.

“…….”

When I didn’t answer, Go Yohan’s shadow reflected on the desk grew larger. Go Yohan’s warmth touched my ear. And he whispered softly.

“Look up.”

“…….”

I’m also an inevitable dog. A dog of the hierarchy. Why do I have to look up even in moments like this? But the head that lifts on its own was as automatic as Pavlov’s dog. Even in the midst of all this, I didn’t want to look at Go Yohan, so I lowered my eyes.

The area below my eyes started to throb. It’s hot and painful.

Go Yohan slowly straightened his back with a satisfied face. Go Yohan’s hands placed in front of me were intertwined. Go Yohan said again.

“Kang Jun, what are you doing?”

If you say the same thing twice, it’s a demand to answer.

“……Solving problems.”

“Ah-.”

Go Yohan’s waist twisted slightly. Go Yohan, who moved his gaze to the middle of the class, didn’t look at any specific person, as if he was really curious, and said to the whole class.

“Guys. What did I do?”

“No?”

It’s a voice I heard from somewhere. The gruff answer was full of interest.

“But why… is everyone looking at me?”

But Go Yohan never gives the answer that others want. Go Yohan pointed at himself and tilted his head. The words he said next were an order to anyone who heard them.

“I wish you wouldn’t look at me.”

Haha. A short laugh burst out. Even in the midst of all this, I silently lowered my gaze and looked at the desk. Go Yohan’s body, which had turned around, returned to its original position. Clatter. Go Yohan’s Rosary hit the desk.

“Kang Jun. I have something I want to ask you, can you answer me?”

“……Yeah.”

If I don’t answer, he’s going to act up like he just did. I answered, hiding my trembling voice as much as possible.

“Who do you eat lunch with these days?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Kang Jun. You said you’d answer, right?”

Shit. The hand holding the pencil was clenched tightly. Shit, shiiit.

“……Al, alone……. I eat.”

“Ah, really?”

Suddenly, his tone becomes insanely bright. Then he laughs to himself. Very openly. He spills a lot of ridicule that crushes others, and belatedly covers his mouth with his hand. And he waves his hand in the air with the remaining hand and makes excuses.

“No, no. It’s not that I laughed, it’s just that I’m upset because I haven’t been eating with you lately.”

“I told you. My feet hurt, my hands are like this, and I don’t have enough time to study, so I can’t go to the cafeteria.”

I told a brazen lie.

I had no choice. Because Go Yohan was trampling on me. He told me not to look? Would the kids really not watch this situation if he said that? I can hear them all the way here, whispering excitedly. My paltry pride won’t die no matter what.

“Huh.”

“…….”

I held the pencil as if it would break, but I answered with a pretty good expressionless face. My nineteen years of lying life didn’t die either. But Go Yohan, who is addicted to harassing others, trampled on my expectations miserably.

“When did you say that?”

“……A while ago. When I first got hurt.”

“No, I’ve never heard that?”

Go Yohan covers his mouth and giggles.

“What. I’m hearing it for the first time. Don’t lie.”

“Isn’t it that you can’t remember?”

I choke up. I desperately attacked Go Yohan. Attack is the best defense.

“And aren’t you better at lying than me? You, lying is your hobby.”

“That’s right. If you’re going to do it, do it as well as me, you’re too obvious.”

“I didn’t lie, and I think you can’t remember, so I’ll say it again. I’m busy.”

“A lie that no one knows is innocent, but a lie that is obvious is guilty.”

Go Yohan twisted his shoulders playfully and continued.

“You’re guilty.”

And he covers his mouth with his hand and giggles again. Is that fun? Shit. My eyes are getting hot and I’m going crazy. The hand holding the pencil trembled. Unlike me, who was like that, Go Yohan, who was relaxed, let go of his hand and stroked my head.

“From now on, I’ll buy it for you, so eat that for lunch. Don’t eat anything weird. Got it?”

“…….”

“Say, ‘yes’.”

The hand that was still stroking my head stopped abruptly. Go Yohan’s face, which had been giggling, turns cold.

The hand that was shaking my head came down slowly, passing over my ear and cheek. I flinched in surprise at the end of my ear that touched in the middle, and Go Yohan’s hand deliberately circled around my ear.

I put down the hand that wasn’t holding the pencil and grabbed my thigh tightly.

Shit, you son of a bitch.

Go Yohan’s hand came down to my cheek and lightly slapped my cheek. Between playfulness and sincerity. Just that much.

“Did you have to say it like that?”

“…….”

“It hurts.”

Who is the one who is really hurting me?

I didn’t answer Go Yohan’s words until the end. And I lowered my head again and looked at the problems that didn’t even come into my eyes. I pretended to solve them, circled the numbers, and underlined the letters. Go Yohan, who was sitting in front of me for a long time, whether he was looking at me or thinking, suddenly jumped up and stormed out of the classroom. I reflexively closed my eyes tightly at the sound of the door slamming shut so hard that it felt like the window would break.

The classroom was quiet until the next break, and I desperately suppressed the surging emotions until the kids’ interest in the brief incident waned, and then I ran away to the bathroom. The closer I got to that corner and damp place, the faster I walked.

As soon as I opened the partition door, I hurriedly locked the latch. And I sat down on the floor.

“……Ugh.”

I wiped away tears silently.

Now I’m all done. After Go Yohan left the classroom, none of the kids asked me if I was okay. Rather, several people flocked to Go Yohan, who had returned, and asked.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Hey, why is the atmosphere like that?’

As soon as I heard those words, I knew. I’m really done.

“……Ugh.”

I forcibly suppressed the sobs leaking from the corner of the bathroom, and let the tears flow as they were. I was afraid that it would swell if I wiped it with my hand. I was afraid that it would show that I had cried.

The classroom was not a comfortable refuge. No one harmed me, but no one welcomed me either. Only I was an island in the square classroom. What really made me want to die was that bread, which I had chewed and chewed for weeks until I was sick of it, was dropped in front of me.

It was lunchtime. Go Yohan is the one who caused the trouble again.

“You like this, right?”

Is he teasing me right now? I’m getting angry.

Why have I been eating this bread for weeks? Who is this all because of? The intention of giving me this kind of bread was truly wicked.

The classroom was empty, and my seat in front was naturally empty. That means I have to face Go Yohan by force. I, who didn’t even want to eat something like dry sponge bread, glanced at the bread that had fallen in front of me and said.

“No.”

“You’re lying again.”

Why are you pretending to know everything? I feel annoyed because my feelings are being forcibly denied. Go Yohan grabbed the bread I had pushed away and slowly peeled off the wrapper. Like before.

“I prepared it for you to eat deliciously. You know?”

A secret breath sat on my desk. The hand holding the chocolate-flavored bread comes closer to my face. I smell a deadly sweetness right in front of my nose. I didn’t raise my head until the end. How do I know what he did to that bread? Playing with food is a very classic method of bullying. I must never eat it. But it must have provoked Go Yohan’s nerves.

“Hey.”

“…….”

“Are you ignoring someone’s sincerity?”

It was a kind threat. There are thorns in his words.

I suppressed the urge to get up immediately and punch Go Yohan and ignored those wicked words.

“Ah, you’re ignoring me. It hurts so much.”

A mocking laugh flows. He only said he was hurt, but his tone was full of disregard. Damn it. I stubbornly resisted without showing it. Yeah, so. Please stop shaking me and get lost. The words I want to shout thousands of times echo loudly in my heart. And, Go Yohan is always Go Yohan.

“What can I do? If you don’t want to eat it, you have to throw it away.”

A slender finger is spread out in front of my eyes. The crumpled transparent plastic also unfolds noisily in his hand. The chocolate-flavored bread that lost its support tilted under the large palm. It was a very intentional movement. Thud-. The tilted bread was thrown straight into my problem book.

“Right?”

“…….”

You son of a bitch. I looked down at the problem book that was miserably covered in chocolate and quietly closed my eyes. A terrible sweetness rises over my face. My stomach is stuffy. When I opened my eyes, the reality was still the same problem book covered in chocolate. Damn it. I can’t stand it anymore.

“Hey, what are you doing.”

I didn’t answer Go Yohan’s words, and got up from my seat, picking up the problem book on the desk as it was. I walked between the rows without looking back. Passing the back of the classroom, I see a trash can in front of the mirror.

“What are you doing!”

I threw the problem book I was holding into the trash can as it was.

Suddenly, I raised my head, and in the mirror, I see Kang Jun with an always calm expression.

Yes, my face didn’t reveal my weaknesses. I saw a cold face that thoroughly hid the fact that I was still being shaken by Go Yohan and that I was dying from Go Yohan’s words. Good job. You’re doing well. Kang Jun. Kang Jun, who doesn’t show sadness or anger, immediately opened the back door in front of him. I’m going out like this. That’s how I’m doing it. Then I met Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Seok-min, who were outside the classroom.

“…….”

Perhaps there has never been a moment as humiliating as that. When I saw the eyes of the four people, who I don’t know what they were thinking, I hurriedly left the spot. No, I was trying to get out.

“Where are you going.”

My shoulder was grabbed. A firm hand grabbed my shoulder and turned it with force.

Shit, my weak body couldn’t withstand the weight of the force Go Yohan exerted and turned as it was. My body was pushed back on its own and dragged back into the classroom. Thanks to that, a shirt button was torn off, revealing one shoulder.

“……Ah.”

I can’t go out even if I try to go out. Because I have a trash-like body that turns as it is when Go Yohan turns it once. Because I am always the weak in terms of strength. My face burned with embarrassment. I hurriedly grabbed the torn shirt. I buried my head and bit my lip. Damn it. A long hand went over my shoulder. I reflexively flinched at the sudden movement.

The hand that went over my shoulder caused a strong wind. Bang. I heard the sound of the classroom door closing. Even in the midst of all that, I pretended not to be surprised in a pathetic way and held my head up straight.

I struggle like this until the last moment.

Go Yohan, who I met, slowly closed and opened his eyes. Go Yohan, who bit his lip just like me, grabbed my shoulder again. Long fingers dug into my flesh with a strong grip. And he shakes my body back and forth as if urging me.

“I asked you where you were going.”

“…….”

“When someone speaks, you fucking……. have to answer, right?”

“…….”

“Why are you ignoring me when someone is talking…….”

Wasn’t it you who ignored me first? I braced myself as much as possible to stand upright, trying not to waver. My trembling body awkwardly reached out a foot to regain balance. It was an instinct to avoid falling. As I moved my foot, Go Yohan’s hand, which had been shaking my body, stopped abruptly.

This was my chance. I quickly twisted my body and pulled my shoulder away.

The rake-like fingers that had grabbed me slipped off my shoulder. “Ah.” I think I heard Go Yohan’s short voice. I took a step back, afraid that Go Yohan would grab me again.

I have to answer well. I mustn’t fall into Go Yohan’s trap. That bastard might be scheming about how to bring me down. He might betray me. No, he’s already doing it. I mustn’t create the possibility that I could end up like Han Tae-san. I can’t be seen as a pushover. Even if that’s not the case, I had to defend myself as much as possible. I tapped my fingers on my thigh.

I have to answer well.

“Isn’t it over now?”

In the end, I made a cowardly choice.

I can never rise above Go Yohan. So, I prostrated myself. I glanced back. Behind the opaque glass, I could see two faint shadows. I lowered my voice in an instant.

“…What?”

“You said it was over, right? You did.”

I know, so please, let’s just end it here and not get involved anymore. Please.

That’s the best option, rather than being bullied.

“I thought that meant we were going back to being strangers…”

So, don’t bully me either. I won’t waste any more unnecessary attention on you. I’ll do that for you. I’ll disappear from your life. Yes, just like I ended things with Han Jun-woo on my own, I can end things with Go Yohan too. That’s the way to make life easier. I ended things with Han Jun-woo, who I’d been suffering over for a year and a half, so how difficult could it be to cut off Go Yohan, who’s only been around for half a year?

“Please, just don’t pick on me anymore. Please. Huh? I can live like a dead mouse.”

“…Ha!”

Go Yohan, who had been listening silently, burst into a hollow laugh. Judging by his face, he wasn’t laughing because it was funny.

He let out a hollow laugh as if he was dumbfounded, and after wearing a strange smile, he didn’t say anything. I sensed a small victory. It wasn’t a hope that I would definitely beat Go Yohan. I just want to spend the rest of my school life in peace.

I racked my brain over and over again. How can I avoid being bullied by Go Yohan? I’d rather be ignored than be despised by the kids because of Go Yohan’s aggressive attitude. I just need to maintain the status quo. Then I only have to endure for half a year.

I opened my mouth. It was a bonus that I turned around once again to check for signs of life on the other side of the door.

The two people were still behind the door. How long are those bastards going to be there? Damn it. First, I spoke in a voice so small that it wouldn’t be heard outside the door.

“You know I’m annoying, too.”

So just leave me alone. If you don’t act like this, I’ll somehow survive on my own. I’ll find a breakthrough somehow, just like I’ve always done.

“I know what you’re up to. I’ll keep my mouth shut and not cause trouble, just like you want. Okay?”

Before I knew it, a sarcastic and prickly tone came out.

Even in this situation, my pride raises its head. Go Yohan, who should naturally be upset, is silent. Please, just answer me. The toes hidden inside my socks shrink.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps lingering outside the door.

Go Yohan silently ran his fingers over his forehead. While my attention was focused on the back, Go Yohan grabbed a chair that was next to him. I wondered why he suddenly grabbed it, but Go Yohan suddenly threw the chair on the floor.

“……”

I reflexively trembled at the loud noise. The attention that had been focused on the back turned forward again. The bastards outside must have heard everything. But Go Yohan never cares about things like this.

Even now, he’s smiling with one corner of his mouth raised, as if to show off. He also seemed to be trembling strangely. That bizarreness gave me goosebumps, and I unconsciously grabbed the bottom of my shirt tightly with my hand. Go Yohan, who had vented his emotions by throwing the chair, took a low breath and raised his head.

“Ah, I get it.”

Get what?

“You’re doing this on purpose right now, aren’t you?”

“……”

“Wow, that’s right. You’re doing it on purpose.”

“…Doing what on purpose?”

Go Yohan pointed at me with his finger and let out a hollow laugh, then took a few steps back at the same time. Go Yohan’s hand, which wasn’t pointing at me, went to his neck. The hand that had been pointing at me went to Go Yohan’s bangs. Go Yohan put his soft hair between his fingers and swept it back. At the same time, he still glanced at me with a knowing look.

“You’re really good at messing with people, aren’t you? Wow, damn it. I’m going crazy.”

“What are you talking about? I’ve never messed with you.”

“Damn it, then what the hell is this that you’re doing to me right now!!!”

Go Yohan suddenly shouted. I opened my eyes wide and reflexively turned around. I can still see the black shadows. Damn it, I frowned. I have no idea who’s saying what they should be saying. I lowered my voice as much as possible and snapped.

“Please speak quietly. There are other kids outside.”

“You’re worried about people hearing outside? You?”

Go Yohan takes a big step forward. A huge shadow falls on my face.

“Right now, you?”

“……Yeah. So please, can’t we just talk quietly?”

Go Yohan laughs again. He’s just looking down at me quietly from above.

“Even in this situation, you’re so conscious of others.”

“……”

“Even in this situation, you’re ridiculously… those bastards are more important than me, huh.”

Go Yohan’s gloomy face was full of derision.

“Kang Jun.”

“……”

Damn it, that Kang Jun. Kang Jun. Kang Jun!

I glared at Go Yohan as if I could kill him. I resent him, I resent him. How can you change your mind so easily? I wanted to shout, was I that easy for you? But my pride wouldn’t allow it, so I had to shut my mouth. I was afraid that if I heard that answer there, I would burst into tears in front of Go Yohan.

“Be honest.”

Go Yohan, who doesn’t even know how I feel, continued to speak in a sarcastic voice.

“Honestly, you want to be friends with me again, don’t you?”

“……”

“You’re scared of this situation right now, but your pride won’t let you give in, right?”

My heart drops to the floor. I forgot what I was going to say and just moved my lips. No. This can’t happen. It’s better to look speechless than foolish. I quickly closed my mouth, which had been about to make a rebuttal that I couldn’t even think of, and glared at Go Yohan.

“Too bad, you only have to give in a little.”

Seeing that I was speechless, Go Yohan seemed to think he had won. Go Yohan’s trembling lips naturally curved upwards. Go Yohan leaned in slightly, looked down at my face, and said shamelessly.

“I knew it. I was right.”

I was crushed by Go Yohan’s pressure in front of me and by the strange presence of the two people on the other side of the door behind me. I can’t die like this. I had to throw the last card to prevent Go Yohan from playing with me. I lowered my voice. So that no one could hear. No, so that only Go Yohan could hear.

“No.”

Abruptly. It sounded like Go Yohan’s movements stopped.

“Honestly, I don’t really understand.”

I slowly raised my head. To show my face, which is my pride, without any change. My stubborn pride held my neck firmly. This is also my chronic problem.

“You were the one who said it was over first, right? Why are you acting so pathetic? You’re the one who seems to be regretting it.”

Go Yohan closed his mouth. He had a slightly dazed look on his face. I saw a gap in that. Leaving Go Yohan standing there blankly, I quickly turned around. To escape before I was caught. My back probably looks more pathetic than I thought. But it’s better than being caught.

When I opened the door, I saw Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Min-seok, who were stuck to the window.

You dumb bastards.

I scanned those guys up and down, then quickly walked out into the hallway. Even in the midst of all this, I, being a coward, was afraid that Go Yohan would chase after me, so I quickened my pace. I forced my aching feet to move. My body swayed forward.

“……Damn it.”

I was afraid to even imagine what I would hear or what accusations I would receive if I was caught. Am I afraid of falling, or am I afraid of Go Yohan’s accusations? As expected, I’m too scared to even make a decision about that.

I couldn’t slow down, even though I was worried that my ridiculous gait would be seen by others. Then, when I reached the end of the hallway, I unconsciously turned around. Maybe, just maybe. Go Yohan might be there.

“……”

But Go Yohan wasn’t there.

He didn’t chase after me.

In an instant, the strength in my body drained away. You dumb Kang Jun, making such a fuss over someone who had no intention of doing that. I stared blankly at the empty hallway, then inadvertently looked at my face reflected in the window. Kang Jun, who was reflected there, was sad. As soon as I saw that look, I clenched my fist. If I had something in my hand, I might have thrown it at the window and broken it.

I didn’t want to see that dumb face, so I turned my head.

I wanted to escape somewhere, so I tried to go to the stairs, but a familiar face caught my eye. Shin Jae-hyun. I don’t know if that bastard is lucky or unlucky. Shin Jae-hyun, who was coming up the stairs, looked up and saw me.

“Oh?”

“……”

I guess I’m just unlucky. Even if I’m unlucky, I’m terribly unlucky.

“……Damn it.”

I just grabbed the railing and tried to pass by Shin Jae-hyun. Why did I have to get caught in a scene like this? Damn it, it’s annoying. But what’s even more annoying is that Shin Jae-hyun grabbed me as I was passing by and said quietly.

“Did you cry?”

“No!”

The answer popped out reflexively. I stopped going down, shouted, and then squeezed my eyes shut. Damn it, damn it, I’m so embarrassed. I want to fall down these stairs and die right now. This was an answer that made me look like I had cried, even though I hadn’t. It’s all because of Shin Jae-hyun, who suddenly spoke to me. Damn it.

“I didn’t cry.”

Kang Jun, who was reflected in the window, definitely didn’t shed any tears. But why did Shin Jae-hyun think I was crying? I forced a natural smile and stroked my dry cheeks. They were just dry and rough. I definitely didn’t cry. I made up for the mistake I had just made for the sake of a perfect crime.

“You must have been mistaken. I wasn’t crying.”

“Sorry.”

Shin Jae-hyun looked genuinely sorry and took his hand off my arm.

“I guess so. You didn’t cry.”

“I appreciate you caring, but can I go now?”

“Should I escort you to where you’re going?”

“It’s okay. I’m fine. Just go your own way.”

“I’ll escort you.”

“No, I said it’s okay.”

I felt unpleasant at Shin Jae-hyun’s attitude of ignoring the boundary line that I had deliberately drawn and stepping all over it.

I held out my palm and frowned slightly. But despite my refusal, he took another step closer and grabbed my arm. A positive person, a clueless LA man. Now I know why that saying came about. Look at how clueless he is.

“I’m fine. I was looking for you anyway.”

What? My brow furrowed on its own. What is he talking about? This optimistic guy. Shin Jae-hyun suddenly took out a yogurt drink from his pants pocket. And he held it out to me. I leaned back and stared at the yogurt drink wrapped in pink packaging.

“What’s this?”

“Yogurt drink. It came out for lunch at school today.”

“……”

“It seems like Korea doesn’t have much consideration for students with lactose intolerance.”

“Why are you giving this to me?”

“I thought you might have just eaten bread again.”

Shin Jae-hyun continued to speak with a kind face, as if my answer wasn’t embarrassing at all.

“I’m giving it to you.”

“No thanks. Give it to someone else.”

I didn’t really want to eat it. I was about to say that and run away from this place when…

Grumble.

“……”

No matter how I think about it, it’s my unlucky year. I’m an unhappy nineteen-year-old. I covered my stomach with a flushed face. I was reminded of the lunch that I couldn’t eat because of Go Yohan. And I was also reminded of Go Yohan, who didn’t even follow me.

“……Ah, damn it.”

Yeah, so now I’m a bastard who’s not even worth following. I’m a discarded card. I swallowed hard, lowered my head, and said. It might have been a little prickly.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Really? That’s too bad.”

Shin Jae-hyun said in a tone that really sounded like he was disappointed at the obvious lie, and then reached out and put the yogurt drink in my pocket.

“Then give it to your friend. Anyone.”

“No thanks. You take it.”

“That’s a little difficult.”

I probably have a lot more friends than him. What’s so difficult? I’m the one who doesn’t have anyone to give it to. I desperately suppressed that animosity and forced a smile.

“No, I don’t think it’ll be difficult. Jae-hyun.”

“I’m asking you a favor. Give it to anyone you see passing by. I have to throw it away if I don’t eat it now anyway.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to go to the classroom and read quietly.”

Shin Jae-hyun reached out and unfolded my pocket, which was folded to the side.

“Since it’s almost summer, dairy products will spoil quickly.”

“It’s not that hot yet.”

“Yeah. It’ll be fine until you meet another friend.”

Shin Jae-hyun finished speaking and smiled. It was a smile that showed a firm will not to say anything more. I looked at my bulging pocket and decided not to argue with Shin Jae-hyun anymore. It’s a waste of time. I didn’t really want to pay attention to Shin Jae-hyun right now either. Yeah. What’s the big deal about this yogurt drink?

“Okay.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Why is he thanking me? I was so dumbfounded that my head shook on its own. I turned around and grabbed the railing, then went down the stairs. One step, two steps, I heard the sound of someone climbing the stairs in the opposite direction. At that moment, I turned around again as if possessed by something. My lips also opened on their own.

“Don’t go to the classroom.”

Shin Jae-hyun’s body stopped when he heard my words.

Shin Jae-hyun also turned his head and looked at me. Now that I see it like this, Shin Jae-hyun is also really tall. That thought suddenly occurred to me. Yeah, there must be a reason why he has that kind of composure. Just like a big dog is quieter and gentler than a small dog. Because he’s always confident that he can win.

“Why?”

“Go Yohan and his friends are in the classroom.”

Shin Jae-hyun’s eyes widened, and then slowly, slowly, he smiled. It was a slightly dumbfounded smile. Why is he smiling like that? My brow furrowed again.

“Isn’t Go Yohan your friend?”

“……”

That bastard is really making me speechless.

“Anyway, thanks. I guess the classroom won’t be a good place to read.”

“……I guess not.”

“Okay, then.”

Light footsteps turned his body. Shin Jae-hyun moved his feet to follow me. And Shin Jae-hyun went past me and went down half a floor. And at the moment he turned, he raised his head.

“Do you want to come with me?”

“……”

“I’m going to the art room.”

Shin Jae-hyun gently took out a key from his pocket. The key was dangling in front of his face as if he was showing it off.

“I’m the president of the art club, so I have a key.”

“……”

Maybe if it was normal, I wouldn’t have even looked at him and would have gone downstairs. I would have given him a relaxed and gentle refusal while pretending to be nice. That’s what Kang Jun from just a month ago would have done. The problem is that I’m not Kang Jun from a month ago. I didn’t know the world would turn upside down so easily.

I, who was rolling in the mud, had to learn how to grow in humiliation. Also, I needed a place to escape to right now. I was desperate. For that yellow key. So, I slowly nodded my head.

“Okay, then.”

Shin Jae-hyun slowly looked up at me from below and then said this.

“I’ll be there first.”

To be honest, I thought Shin Jae-hyun would come up the stairs and escort me. I thought he had that kind of meddling personality, but I was a little, no, very surprised, so I was a little flustered.

My stiff fingers tapped the railing. Soon, I stopped thinking and moved my feet.

The door to the art room, which was a little difficult but close enough for me to walk to, was open as Shin Jae-hyun had said. There was no one there, and it was even quiet. Shin Jae-hyun was already sitting in the corner of the art room, reading a book that I don’t even know where he found. It was English literature again. I sat in the spot in the art room with the best ventilation, watched Shin Jae-hyun, and opened the yogurt drink with some difficulty. I thought I heard a slightly silly laugh, but I pretended not to hear it and looked down at the noisy schoolyard.

“Is it hard?”

I was startled by the gentle voice that flowed into me on the wind. I put the yogurt drink I was eating on the window sill. I felt a little unpleasant. I turned my head to look at Shin Jae-hyun, but he was still buried in his book. For a moment, I thought I had heard a hallucination.

“Did you just say that to me?”

“Yeah.”

Flutter. A page turns. My mood also soars. Of course, in a negative way. Displeasure settled openly on my face. Shin Jae-hyun isn’t looking this way anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I immediately grasped what Shin Jae-hyun meant, but I spoke a little indirectly, wondering if I might have been reacting sensitively.

“It’s okay. The cast will come off soon anyway, and my foot is almost healed.”

“I see. That must be tough too.”

Too? Then that means my original thought was right. Damn it, I lost my appetite and threw away the yogurt in front of me. And I erased the annoyed look on my face.

“Jae-hyun.”

“Huh?”

Shin Jae-hyun, who was turning the page, slowly raised his head. He met my eyes. Fortunately, the face Shin Jae-hyun saw was the gentle Kang Jun. I nodded slightly and said.

“Let’s not cross the line.”

You ate some American water, didn’t you? He slightly raised his eyebrows without a word. Then you should protect my privacy.

“You lived in America, you wouldn’t have done this kind of thing in America, would you?”

“I wouldn’t have.”

Shin Jae-hyun scratched near his neck and smiled awkwardly. And then he closed his mouth. The sound of paper turning continued quietly. I thought he was a very relaxed guy.

I’m not coming here again. I sighed deeply and leaned my back against the wall. If I had known I would hear these kinds of words, I would have just holed up in some corner and spent my time. I shook my head, regretting my choice. It was then.

“I got bullied.”

Flap. I hear another page turning. My gaze reflexively turned to Shin Jae-hyun. It was because a completely unheard-of word popped out. Shin Jae-hyun continued to speak as if he wasn’t embarrassed by his sudden confession.

“Middle schoolers are usually small. It wasn’t a good school for a small Asian to attend.”

It’s a story from his time in America. I was actually embarrassed. Are we close enough to talk about this? I stiffened my face, feeling a little burdened. But Shin Jae-hyun didn’t seem to care about my reaction at all.

“Well, everyone’s like that. They’re not racist, but they don’t want to be with Chinese people.”

“You’re not Chinese.”

“In foreign countries, all Northeast Asians are unconditionally Chinese.”

Shin Jae-hyun put both index fingers to the corners of his eyes and stretched them out strongly. His eyes, with their deep double eyelids, became long from side to side. Shin Jae-hyun, who stretched his lips and smiled in that state, said.

“Ching chong. When I passed by, three out of ten people would shout loudly in my ear. It’s because I can’t do vanilla pronunciation. Vanilla is my favorite ice cream, so if I just say vanilla-, they pretended not to understand and harassed me. Telling me to speak English.”

So what, seeing that my face had hardened a little, Shin Jae-hyun burst into a light laugh.

“But I’m good now.”

“……”

“Wanna see?”

Shin Jae-hyun covered his mouth and spoke slowly. Bwa-nilla. It sounded just like the pronunciation of a foreign actor in a movie. I didn’t know what to say, so I ended up giving a strange answer.

“Yeah. You’re good.”

At my soulless compliment, Shin Jae-hyun smiled broadly and buried his face in the book again.

Shin Jae-hyun, who had been reading the book silently, left the art room 10 minutes before the bell rang. I waited for Shin Jae-hyun to return, but he never came back. Puzzled, I approached the empty seat and found a yellow key there. It was there as if to be seen openly.

‘Hey, don’t do it. Jae-hyun is nice.’

Suddenly, I had that thought. Later, if Shin Jae-hyun is being ignored by someone somewhere, I should help him in my own way.

And at the same time, I realized that all the compliments about Shin Jae-hyun were Shin Jae-hyun’s Reciprocal exchange.

Having my shoes stolen, my soles torn, being hit by a soccer ball, having a nosebleed, meeting Han Tae-san, and becoming Go Yohan’s discarded piece. All of this happened in just two weeks. Finally, after overcoming those difficult days, Friday the 13th arrived.

I must have been secretly hoping that the last day of the week wouldn’t come.

I had a nightmare. I don’t remember exactly what the dream was about. It’s certain that it was a terrible dream. As evidence, I woke up in the early morning screaming and sweating.

“Huh… Huh.”

4 a.m. The sound of rain hitting the window and the sound of the second hand moving filled the room. Friday. I sat still in bed, resenting the sun that hadn’t yet risen.

“…Shit.”

Why does the sun rise every day? And why is the incinerator emptied every Friday?

The rain had stopped, but I decided not to walk to school.

It was because the floor was soaked from the rain, and I wasn’t in the mood to walk. It’s very fortunate for me that the world has improved a lot. I called a taxi with my cell phone and sluggishly packed my bag. And it was a bonus to take out a few snacks from the pantry in the auxiliary kitchen.

I made eye contact with the newly arrived Auntie on the way, but there was no special conversation.

“…I’ll just take a few of these.”

“Yes.”

She’s always so quiet.

Suddenly, if I think of this silence as the eye of the storm, I’m filled with an uneasy feeling. Someday, someday a typhoon will come. My expectations have never been fulfilled, but my anxiety has always been right on.

And the moment I came out of the front gate to wait for the taxi, I met the identity of the anxiety that had been tormenting me all morning.

“Hey.”

“……”

“You’re going to school early today.”

I froze stiffly in the same posture as when I was coming out of the front gate.

“You, why……”

Why is this bastard in front of my house? And with a clear face that has forgotten all the things he shouted at me. In an instant, a siren went off. It’s not good to get involved now. I reflexively turned my body quickly and grabbed the doorknob of the door I had just closed again.

The moment I tried to push the open door, my left arm was grabbed.

“Let’s talk for a bit first.”

I don’t want to. There was no time to say that.

My grabbed hand was dragged along by Go Yohan. Actually, I followed him halfway willingly. As soon as I was grabbed, I tried to pull my arm away, but it was hopeless, and all I could do in that situation was give up and accept it.

“……”

When I stopped moving, Go Yohan stopped pulling my arm. The small alley between my house and Go Yohan’s house, where the famous motorcycle is hidden. Go Yohan, who had reached there, seemed satisfied and released the strength in his hand. And after licking his lips a little, he slowly opened his mouth.

All my nerves were focused on that small movement.

“Let’s reconcile.”

Crazy. And what he said was even more absurd.

“I think it would be good to reconcile.”

Go Yohan still wasn’t letting go of my arm. My head went blank.

Go Yohan’s touch, not acknowledging my embarrassment, became more and more blatant. Go Yohan’s hand moved little by little, subtly shaking my arm. What, what is it. I lowered my head in a daze. The neatly cut fingernails grabbing the white shirt came into my eyes. It was a harassment that knew exactly the right amount, not an excessive action to push his hand away right away. Go Yohan is urging me.

I bit my lip with my head down.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?”

“……”

I’m afraid my voice will tremble if I speak. I’m afraid my weakness will be revealed. I couldn’t dare to raise my head and look at Go Yohan. It felt like Go Yohan would read my expression. My gaze slowly turned to my toes. There was a puddle of rainwater that had collected overnight. And I saw Go Yohan’s face there.

“……”

It was as if he knew the outcome of this event. It was clear that he was arrogant, thinking that I would willingly accept the reconciliation.

“Let’s pretend that what happened then never happened. That would be good for you too. For school life.”

“……”

“You too… I want to make some real friends now. Who’s playing with you these days? Park Ha-on and Im Yun-gi? Those two don’t seem to care about you anymore. Originally, those two are only close to each other. Like we used to be.”

Then what about Oh Yeon-jun? I clenched my teeth tightly. I wanted to raise my head right away, grab that shameless face by the collar, and shake it. Why are you hanging out with Oh Yeon-jun? Why do you leave me and eat together? Why don’t you mention that bastard? That bastard is the one who’s been bothering me the most these days. Why? I’m filled with resentment. But if I open my mouth, a choked voice will burst out. I closed my eyes tightly and desperately endured.

“……”

“Huh? So let’s reconcile.”

Go Yohan’s fingers, which had climbed up my arm, firmly grabbed my shoulder. Huh? Go Yohan’s words, which he said like that, contained shamelessness. A dizzying tickle dug into my lower abdomen. The moment my instinctive desire constricted my body, my eyes suddenly flashed open.

Damn it. No way. Absolutely not. I was afraid that Go Yohan would feel my trembling, so I hurriedly pushed his hand away. At the same time, my head was raised without my knowledge. Maybe it was because I was looking at Go Yohan’s expression.

“I’m sorry.”

Go Yohan, who was smiling leisurely in the puddle, actually had a rotten expression in my eyes. Go Yohan, who raised one eyebrow, wrapped the hand that had been pushed away with his other hand. The cracking sound between the joints every time his fingers moved was quite threatening. I chose words that would minimize my emotions and not stimulate Go Yohan.

“Don’t touch me, just tell me.”

I heard the sound of Go Yohan’s Rosary moving. Go Yohan was fiddling with the Rosary hanging on his arm. Finally, Go Yohan opened his mouth.

“You……”

And the sound that came out was sarcasm.

“You don’t think I’m still interested in you, do you?”

Wind leaks from Go Yohan’s mouth. It was a sound of mocking me. The request I had barely made with all my nerves was crushed with ridicule. What did I hear? My mind became more and more hazy.

“……What?”

“I guess so. Wow, you had that tantrum and still have that thought? You’re so arrogant, so you.”

My head creaks. My thoughts weren’t working properly, and then the foreign object stuck between the gears popped out. The gears turned in the opposite direction. The rapidly turning gears caused heat in my head. My face became crazily hot along with it.

“Well, anyway, my tastes have been exposed to my family for a long time, and I don’t know what the hell you were trying to do there that makes me feel so embarrassed just thinking about it… First of all, my family knows you’re a retard and a pushover and moved on, so you don’t have to worry.”

“……”

Damn it, I had barely forgotten. My head reached the point of saturation with embarrassment.

“Father was asking why you haven’t come to play these days. The guy who doesn’t even talk to me is saying that. Geez, you’re so loved even after doing that stupid thing? I lost all affection for you as soon as I saw you. What’s the secret? Let the neglected son learn a little.”

“……Okay.”

“Shit. What do you mean okay?”

“……”

“Anyway, I’m trying to reconcile with you because of Father. You know? So don’t overreact. If I say I fought with you, I’ll be treated like a retard again? What kind of dog-like thing did you do to break up with the top student in the school?”

Go Yohan’s hand, which had been cracking his knuckles, hit my arm. His strength was so strong that my body swayed a little in the wind. But Go Yohan didn’t even hold me. That action added certainty to Go Yohan’s words.

“So, I don’t really want to reconcile with you, I’m doing it against my will.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t misunderstand.”

“I know? I said I know, stop talking.”

Irritation arises. Did he have to say that so pointedly? Go Yohan is also a great son of a bitch. My nerves become sharp. Thanks to that, thorny words popped out of my mouth too.

“Yeah, that’s good. Actually, I don’t want to be friends with a selfish bastard like you either.”

I didn’t want to just lose. It was also out of spite. I didn’t want to let him know that I, who had already become a discarded piece, was still pathetically clinging on. But Go Yohan seemed to be upset again by my words.

“What did you just say?”

He must have been upset that a guy he didn’t like was evaluating him as he pleased. Go Yohan, whose atmosphere had changed from before, said in a low voice.

“What did you say, just now.”

It was a very aggressive tone. But I’m just frustrated. Is he the only one who’s upset? Damn it, someone’s holding back.

“I’ll say it first. I’m sorry first. I was just trying to help you. I admit that I did something wrong.”

I spat out the words like a machine gun. My intention was to cut it off first. Because I didn’t want to be persuaded by Go Yohan anymore. I wanted to cut off this terrible conversation as it was. Yeah, let’s endure one more time. I hid the fist I was clenching tightly inside my school uniform and swallowed my breath. Let’s be a retard a little more. For my comfortable high school life.

I took a breath that I had been holding back and added the thoughts I had been having until now.

“…Yeah, I’m sorry, I was sorry. I got caught up in the situation of helping you and did something that made me want to throw up. It was even too clumsy, yeah. I’m embarrassed. As you said, I’m embarrassed. I don’t even know why I did that. It’s because I’m a retard. I’ll apologize.”

The words I spat out were the unadulterated truth. Really. And the wounds that Go Yohan inflicted on me broke me. I just wanted to end this frustrating and helpless situation.

“But I can’t reconcile. Let’s just pretend we don’t know each other and live like that.”

To hang out with Go Yohan again in this situation? That’s literally hell. I’m not an idiot. I knew after carrying Han Jun-woo across the fiery hell. I learned from the experience I had as a naive person back then. I knew very well that doing such an act was foolish and a self-destructive act.

In the long run, it’s the right thing to do. Because I love myself. I overcame the situation where I was embarrassed, frustrated, and about to burst into tears. I’m a person who can see far ahead.

“As you said, let’s pretend that everything never happened. Okay? You’re all out of affection too. You don’t want to see the face of a kid you don’t even want to see. So let’s end everything here, whether it’s friends or whatever.”

The end of my words became more and more blurred. Yeah. A kid you don’t even want to see. For the past month, Go Yohan hasn’t even looked at my face. He only came close to me when he was bullying me and turned my insides upside down. I clenched my fist even harder at the part where he said he was all out of affection.

It was to hold back the feeling that I was about to cry. Damn it. I closed my mouth before I was caught. The trembling voice went over the back of my throat.

That’s it. It’s all over.

“Is your bullshit over?”

“Yeah.”

I barely answered the blatant sarcasm. Good job. I think I did a good job. I swallowed hard once. I cleared my throat as quietly as possible.

“Tell Uncle that we’re still friends. That we reconciled. It’s okay.”

The bell had been ringing loudly since a while ago. It’s probably the taxi driver. And this bell became a good excuse. I quickly showed Go Yohan the screen and turned my body.

“Then I’ll go. The taxi’s here.”

I can go now. I can leave this place. Now I’m going to be a stranger to Go Yohan. I apologized while suppressing my pride. In the meantime, I decided to console myself that I was more mature and endured. Because I thought I could forget this shitty feeling by indulging in the feeling that I was becoming a better person.

“…Where do you think you’re going?”

“Ah!”

But I couldn’t get out of that alley. It’s because Go Yohan grabbed my body that was trying to leave and forcibly turned me around. My back slammed into the wall as it was. My body bent automatically, and a groan came out.

“What the hell are you doing…!”

“Then, then who am I going to mooch off of next?”

A strange sound pops out.

“……What?”

“Tell me. You fought with Han Jun-woo and clung to me, and you fought with me, so who are you going to cling to now. That’s what you’re good at. Mooching off like a bat.”

Mooching off like a bat. Those words dig into my heart.

My gaze automatically turned to my injured foot. Shit, what did I do, what did I really do. How could even Go Yohan say such a thing. The fingernails of my clenched fist dig into my palm. Yeah. I found my own rice bowl, because otherwise I would be bullied. But is that something to be cursed for? The resentful and angry feelings turned into thorns.

“It’s not your business who I cling to after you, is it?”

I tried to get up and walk past Go Yohan. But again, Go Yohan grabbed my shoulder and threw me against the wall again. I bit my lip at the pain that felt like my back was about to burst and raised my head. Go Yohan’s cold face was red and he was panting.

“You, watch your mouth…”

“Students?”

Go Yohan stopped talking. It was because of the sudden unfamiliar voice. We both turned our heads at the same time. There was a taxi driver standing at the entrance of the alley with a cell phone to his ear. The phone was still ringing loudly in his pocket. The middle-aged man looked at me and Go Yohan with suspicious eyes.

“What’s going on with you students? What is this?”

“Ah, sir. You’re the taxi driver, right? I’m the one who called.”

While Go Yohan was flustered, I jumped up and went to the taxi driver at the entrance.

“Wait a minute, were you being harassed by this student?”

“No, we were just talking. Let’s go. I think I’m going to be late, I’ll give you triple if you hurry.”

At my words, the taxi driver looked troubled and pointed at Go Yohan.

“Student, be careful. You shouldn’t do that. Huh? I’m busy right now…”

“Sir, I’m sorry, but can you please hurry? I might really be late.”

I pushed aside his unnecessary meddling and got into the taxi with staggering steps. The taxi driver got in the taxi while continuing to look at Go Yohan with a slightly uneasy face.

An adult is still an adult. Go Yohan still has some common sense.

Go Yohan frowned and couldn’t leave his spot. And after staring at the taxi driver and me for a while, he punched the wall with his fist.

“…!”

A month ago, it was similar to that time, but Go Yohan’s face was subtly different.

That face, full of anger.

That face was awkward and scary, so I was startled and hurriedly tried to close the half-open car door.

Of course, I failed.

“Hey.”

Go Yohan came over and grabbed the doorknob while I was trying to close the taxi door. Is this bastard crazy? I pulled it back hard again, but as expected, I couldn’t beat Go Yohan with strength. I was so flustered that I looked up at Go Yohan.

“Hey, student, what are you doing!”

Go Yohan didn’t budge at the taxi driver’s shout and threw strange words at me.

“I happened to hear, Shin Jae-hyun? That bastard? That bastard is a fucking idiot.”

And he slammed the door shut so hard that I was pushed back. I flinched at the loud noise that made my head spin. In the meantime, Go Yohan gnashed his lips and said.

“Don’t get close to him. You’ll be treated like an idiot too.”

You’re more of an idiot than Shin Jae-hyun. I should have shot back like that.

I regretted my complacent response in the taxi the whole time. I also regretted taking this taxi. It was because I had to listen to stories about dealing with school violence until my ears were torn off during the short time it took to get to school. What a fucking meddler.

But I can’t say that I’m not a meddler either. In the empty classroom, I touched the unfamiliar key in my pocket. The end of the key pokes my thigh. It stings as if my conscience is being pricked.

“Yeah. You shouldn’t repay kindness with betrayal.”

I’ve already received enough. The decision was made, and the hesitant body moved. I tore off a piece of notebook paper. And after taking a sigh, I picked up a pen.

If you don’t want to be a Fringe outcast too. I was about to write that, but I stopped because I felt like I was becoming too pathetic. Next, I went to the back of the classroom and looked for Shin Jae-hyun’s locker. Number 18. It’s like his rank in the class.

There was no one in the hallway. That’s a relief.

I approached the locker with the sticker that said 18 and shoved the folded paper in between. I checked my surroundings again, but no one saw me. It was a perfect crime.

I moved my heavy body towards the window. The playground and the school gate were clearly visible across the window. Go Yohan was there. Considering the time I arrived and the time I met Go Yohan, it was a slightly early arrival time. My gaze couldn’t help but fall on Go Yohan like a habit. Then Go Yohan suddenly raised his head. I was so surprised that I quickly hid behind a pillar. I almost made eye contact.

“Oh. Oh my god.”

I moved my body as if running away and headed to the art room.

I could feel the reassuring weight of the key through the thin fabric.

This time, I came back around the time the assembly started and quietly participated in class. No one asked me where I had been. I deliberately didn’t look at Go Yohan’s seat. Just in case, I didn’t look at Shin Jae-hyun either. It was because I remembered the ugly past when I was beaten up for protecting Han Tae-san.

I hate causing trouble more than anything in the world. I also hate guys like Oh Yeon-jun who don’t know gratitude. I just hoped that as soon as he lost the note without even leaving a name, he would realize what it meant and never talk to me again.

And even after lunch, I still didn’t open my mouth once.

“……”

The two backs in front of me never seemed to turn around. Oh Yeon-jun, who had received the assignment topic, erased all interest in me. Not an outcast, but a Fringe outcast.

Shin Jae-hyun didn’t come to the art room where I spent lunch either. I lay down on the desk and re-evaluated Shin Jae-hyun. He’s smarter than I thought. Well, there’s no way a guy who gets good reviews from the majority would be stupid. That means he manages the people around him that much. Even if he acts nice, he’ll act according to the situation. In the meantime, I had this thought.

Still, aren’t I in a better situation than Han Tae-san? At the same time, the fact that I hoped Go Yohan was really different from Han Jun-woo was my weak hope. It was a sly wish to worry about my own safety rather than relying on Go Yohan.

In a terrible situation, expectations are lowered.

“Well, where else would it not be that bad.”

I decided that when I get older and remember the memories of high school someday, I would be satisfied that it was at least not ugly.

Since I have nothing to do, all kinds of writing catch my eye. Especially, what caught my eye that day was the notice written on pink paper. I can’t even guess when it was posted. I could see a thin layer of white dust on the surface reflected in the light. My surroundings were still noisy, and I was quiet alone.

‘Get out, you bastards who aren’t in our class.’

I suddenly thought of that saying. I even had the absurd imagination that if I heard this saying later, I would have to leave this class too. Honestly, it was a little funny, so I let out a hollow laugh. When you’re alone, everything is funny.

“What.”

The guy next to me saw me laughing alone and whispered to his friend. If you’re going to whisper in front of me, why don’t you look at me and say it? I lose energy at that complacent backbiting. I didn’t want to be in a classroom that treated me like a stranger anymore. Anyway, class was over, and it was hard to read Go Yohan’s mood, who was quiet today, so I fixed my bag. I guess I should go home.

But my steps to go home unexpectedly reached the incinerator. If I think too much, I make more mistakes. I stood blankly in a place where the musty smell stung my nose and blamed my pathetic obsession.

“What’s going to change if the shoes are there? Are you an idiot?”

Is it even possible to find the shoes in that mountain of trash? Absolutely impossible. I already decided on the first day. The choice not to look for it right away is proof that I decided to deny reality. I shook my head alone and turned around. It was then.

“Hey! A bat is flying!”

It was a voice heard from the alley behind the school incinerator. And there was a familiar smell of cigarettes there.

The song ‘The bat flies away’ sung to the familiar nursery rhyme grew louder as if screaming, and the laughter of the enthusiastic fans plunged my mood below the bottom.

“I’m going crazy, this is the worst.”

I know without looking back. It’s the voice I’ve been with all year. Hong Hwi-jun, that son of a bitch, whose name is now faint. A trash who was a friend of Han Jun-woo. I secretly bit my lip tightly. Of all people, I had to get caught by the worst person like him now. He’s a bastard who readily commits acts that even Park Dong-cheol couldn’t dare to condone. Yeah, let’s be patient, it’s best to ignore that kind of provocation. There’s no point in getting involved. I walked forward without looking back. But low-class lives always live their lives twisted. Just like right now.

“Ugh!”

Something hit my butt hard. I barely managed to keep from falling forward and looked at the floor. A yogurt that was all burst and covered in dirt was rolling between my legs. I felt my head cool down. My pants are getting wet. I slightly bent my waist and looked at the part where the yogurt hit.

“Fuck, look at that bastard, that fucking bastard, squirting around.”

“Ah, fuck. It’s so disgusting. What is it, Ejaculate?The strawberry yogurt thickly smeared on the gray pants dripped to the floor.

“…Damn it.”

My coldly cooled head became hot. These, these goddamn bastards. Swear words swirled in my mouth. My hand holding my pants was full of strength. The cloth was crumpled and filled my hand. When I raised my head, I could see Hong Hwi-jun and a few familiar faces puffing on cigarettes between the buildings. The smirking mouths were disgusting.

“Hey. Come here.”

Hong Hwi-jun beckoned. No. I bit my lip with my teeth and kept repeating. I have to be patient. What are you going to do if you go there? It’s no use going there. I’ll lose. I know for sure.

“I said come here.”

Fuck. I took a long breath. I let go of my crumpled pants and looked forward again. At the same time, I didn’t forget to take out my cell phone from my pocket. Because my only weapon is to find an adult. Then, Hong Hwi-jun, who saw my actions, ran up and snatched the cell phone from my hand in an instant.

“Hey, hey, hey, hey! Who are you trying to call? You shouldn’t do that, uh-uh.”

“Give it back to me.”

“Hey, you don’t have anyone to call anyway, right? Or are you going to call the police? You crazy bastard, you’re not even a retard.”

The police, he says.

Hong Hwi-jun, who was giggling, grabbed his chest and laughed. The laughter spread to Hong Hwi-jun’s surroundings. Familiar faces are laughing. They were faces that I had hung out with at least once in the first year of high school. It seemed that Hong Hwi-jun had taken the vacancy left by Han Jun-woo. Fuck, he’s made it.

“Or are you going to call Go Yohan? Hey, be reasonable. The rumor that you were beaten by Go Yohan has spread.”

Hong Hwi-jun tapped his right arm cast with my cell phone.

“Who makes such a mistake right on time? One arm, one leg. Crunch, crunch.”

“I fell and stepped on glass, so stop fantasizing and get lost.”

“Get lost? Hey, he tells me to get lost. Kang Jun tells me to get lost.”

The giggling doesn’t stop. I was so annoyed by that laughter. I can’t help but frown. I put down my hand that was trying to get my cell phone back and asked with a sharp look.

“What’s so funny?”

“Why are you like this? Of course it’s funny. We know. There was a guy just like you in the middle of the second grade. Don’t you remember?”

“I don’t know. What do you want to say to me?”

“You don’t know? You know best. Han Tae-san. Han Tae-san. Han Tae-san who was beaten up by us. He smelled like a punching bag.”

Hong Hwi-jun spread his hand. Finally, my cell phone left Hong Hwi-jun’s hand and plummeted to the floor. Hong Hwi-jun grabbed my collar in an instant. And he put his disgusting face close and said, smelling of dirty cigarettes.

“You smell like that punching bag.”

Hee hee hick. Hong Hwi-jun shook his shoulders and laughed disgustingly.

“You know. We’ve been friends for over a year, but wasn’t it too much to pretend you didn’t know and be so rude?”

“……”

“Only he got out of it all by himself… Hey, I really hated you so much that I wanted to die.”

“I know, right? Who told you to do that?”

“What?”

The hand grabbing my collar is full of strength. I looked down at my hand and said.

“It’s your fault for not noticing what kind of bastard Han Jun-woo was and continuing to agree with him. Why are you blaming me?”

“This……”

“And you can’t say a word to Park Dong-cheol, who joined Go Yohan, and now you’re only doing this to me because it’s too…”

I forced my heavy lips up.

“Obvious.”

If I fight, I’ll definitely lose. I can never beat Hong Hwi-jun. The reason why I was always in the second tier was always clear. It was because I wasn’t good at fighting. I was small and weak.

But I didn’t avoid the provocation that Hong Hwi-jun was making now.

First, unlike when I was beaten by Han Jun-woo, this place is a very public place. There must be at least ten guys watching this scene through the windows in the upper building.

Second, even if there are no guys watching, there are witnesses who are Hong Hwi-jun’s friends.

Third, as this bastard said, my situation is very precarious.

And finally, fourth, there will be guys who harbor malice towards me someday. Just like this. For that time, I had to warn them as much as I could within my ability.

That Kang Jun is never easily defeated.

“Guys. Kang Jun really wants to get beat up by me.”

I had to win this fight by any dirty means possible. But a clear method doesn’t come to mind. Surely, but, but. Words full of stubbornness popped out of my mouth.

“Who in this world wants to get beat up?”

Slap. Hong Hwi-jun slapped my cheek from top to bottom with his palm. For a moment, my eyes spun and my head became dizzy. I felt my brain rolling inside my head. Fuck. I tasted something fishy in my mouth.

“How does it feel to get beat up? It sucks, right?”

Yeah. It sucks.

I licked the wounded area with my tongue and glared at Hong Hwi-jun. There’s no way for me to win. Everyone said that. The guy who throws the first punch wins. I didn’t slap Hong Hwi-jun first, and I didn’t gain an advantage in posture. Thick, hard fingers poked my head. The feeling was unpleasant and annoying, so I glared at the owner of the fingers.

“Wow, look at him glaring. He’s so scary.”

The owner of the fingers laughed at me. Four or five laughter surrounded me. Another hand as big as a pot lid came up. Slap. One cheek became hot.

“Oh, it’s so refreshing. The sound is really refreshing, isn’t it?”

Again, violently slap. This time, the opposite cheek came up. I reflexively tried to grab Hong Hwi-jun’s hand and release my collar, but I only felt frustrated at the hand that wouldn’t budge even when I pulled it with all my might. There’s nothing I can do with one hand. Damn it. My eyes are getting hot again.

“Hey, look at how skinny he is. If you were going to fight with that arm, you should have thrown the first punch.”

Hong Hwi-jun’s fist hits my arm, thud. And then he slaps my cheek again. I felt like my lip was cut with a knife. It seemed to be torn. It hurts, it hurts. Yeah, at least I should have hit first. First, I first… Slap-, my head turns again. This time, it’s the first place I was hit. Hong Hwi-jun laughed, tilting his head back, as if he was so relieved. At that time, a voice flashed through my head like lightning.

‘You saw that I won even though Han Jun-woo threw the first punch, right? Look, Jun-ah. I’m strong.’

‘You’re amazing. How did you win even though Han Jun-woo hit you first?’

The time when Go Yohan and I hadn’t ended yet. Go Yohan smiled kindly in my room in my memory. Why was that? At that time, my eyes suddenly became hot.

“Hey, what’s wrong? I think this bastard is going to cry?”

“Wow, it’s the first time I’ve seen Kang Jun cry.”

“Take a picture! Hey, get the camera. This is amazing. Hey, if he cries, take a picture right away and upload it to the school website. Let everyone see it.”

The loud laughter spread even louder.

‘Our Jun-i is weak, so I’ll tell you an easy way to win even if I get provoked first. If someone provokes you, Jun-ah. Remember me first?’

Go Yohan’s eyes that were smiling brightly, Go Yohan’s mouth, Go Yohan’s hand that gently wrapped around my index finger. I’m glad I have a good memory. I grabbed Hong Hwi-jun’s index finger tightly with one hand at once.

“What are you doing? What are you doing holding on to one finger like a loser?”

The laughter grew louder. I squeezed out my last strength and bent Hong Hwi-jun’s index finger in the opposite direction, leaning my body back. At the same time, Hong Hwi-jun screams and leans with me. The surprised hand was released. Honestly, I really didn’t think it would work.

Nevertheless, I, who was preparing to fall in advance, got up like a tumbler as soon as I landed on my butt and grabbed Hong Hwi-jun’s long hair.

“You fucking bastard! Hey!”

‘If you get caught, fall on purpose. Reset the hierarchy that bastard made. And seize the chance when he’s off guard to grab his hair. Do you know why gangsters shave their heads? It’s because if your hair gets grabbed during a fight, it’s over. The best spot is between the ear and the crown. Stick your fingers in there and twist your wrist once. Don’t just grab the head, grab it like a net.’

Go Yohan’s long fingers swirled in the air. Happy me nodded.

‘Ah-.’

The voice of admiration is calm. In contrast, Kang Jun, with his cheeks about to burst, rushed in crudely and wildly stirred his hand through Hong Hwi-jun’s hair, grabbing it tightly.

“Hey, what the fuck are you doing!”

‘And press down with your weight. Press down with your whole body. Press down with the thought that you’ll die if you lose your position here. If you lose there, you really lose. And if you never lose that position, you win.’

In my memory, Go Yohan’s palm had slammed hard on the table. I put all my strength into my shoulders and pressed Hong Hwi-jun’s head to the floor. Hong Hwi-jun, pinned to the floor, flailed like a cockroach and shouted.

“Get off! You bastard!”

At the same time, I felt my shoulder being kicked. My back is hot and painful. My head was kicked like a ball. Amidst the pain of being beaten, the Go Yohan in my imagination quietly whispered.

‘Beat one guy to death.’

Even if you get beaten to death, as long as you win the head, it’s okay. Because the common sense of this game is that no matter if you become a cripple or not, only the result that you won the head remains if you kill the head.