11 – Nineteen Nine, an Unlucky Number

“Move.”

Go Yohan’s greeting was as absurd as the ending of a B-movie.

“Why does it have to be your right arm that’s injured? How are you going to take notes?”

Homeroom Teacher looked at my cast-covered hand with pity.

“It’ll only take three months.”

Homeroom Teacher tilted his eyes downwards at my words, which sounded like an excuse.

“Oh dear, how did you get hurt?”

It was a light scolding. I think. Is the soft-hearted Homeroom Teacher really worried about my grades, or is he worried that the class average might drop? Maybe it’s both. People in the world tend to think in ways that benefit them.

At least, that’s how the adults I’ve grown up seeing were.

Today, I didn’t come to morning classes, using my injury as an excuse to avoid Go Yohan. The result was a one-on-one with Homeroom Teacher, but it was better than meeting Go Yohan. I didn’t want to come at all, even if I died. I was afraid of my parents, who would be contacted immediately if I skipped school without permission. To be exact, I was afraid of my parents asking why.

“I fell. On the stairs.”

“You should be more careful. Why did a quick-witted kid like you make such a mistake?”

Right. Why did I make such a mistake?

I smiled slyly and hid my low mood from the adult in front of me. Then, like an idiot, I unconsciously scratched near my neck with my left hand. I frowned at the stinging pain, as if cutting the skin with a knife.

“Ah……”

“Oh my. Did you hurt yourself there too?”

“Ah, yes.”

“What am I going to do? I feel so frustrated.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Will you be able to do well on the exam? Even with your left hand?”

“Probably, yes. I can do well.”

I nodded to myself.

“You have to do well.”

“If you have any difficulties or hardships, tell me anytime. Okay? Teacher will help you as much as possible.”

“Mr. Min, don’t worry too much. He says he’ll do well. Well.”

The rather old geography Teacher, who was reading the newspaper while leaning back in his chair, cleared his throat and looked at me over the newspaper. It seemed that he didn’t have class either.

“Why does he have to get hurt now of all times?”

It’s not like I wanted to get hurt. I clenched my teeth as I looked at his wrinkled face. That Teacher was always like that whenever he saw me. He always had to be sarcastic. Ahem. He cleared his throat, which was full of phlegm due to his old age, and his wrinkled philtrum moved.

“Don’t make things difficult for the Teachers. Take care of your own business.”

I lowered my head without a word. What did I even do? It was to hide my expression of anger. Homeroom Teacher smiled awkwardly at the geography Teacher and comforted me.

“He’s just saying that. All the Teachers like Jun and are worried about him. The other Teachers won’t be troubled either. You can come anytime.”

“I’m okay.”

As if I can’t tell the difference between malicious and well-intentioned advice. But since I needed my GPA, there was no one more frightening than the Teachers, so I had to quietly shut my mouth and pretend to understand everything.

“Teacher is right. I’ll take care of my own business.”

“Oh dear. Teacher will tell the other Teachers to take good care of you.”

Ahem! The old Teacher cleared his throat. His cloudy eyes glanced over me and Homeroom Teacher and quickly turned away. He was giving me the stink eye like no other. Annoying old badger. That Teacher never liked me from the start. There was no reason. He’s been stuck in the faculty room until this age, so he only has useless power within the school, and he wants to show it off, so he subtly harasses one student.

He’s like a fisherman throwing bait, hoping someone will get caught. So, the more I get hated, the more troublesome it becomes. I should just get out of here before I become more noticeable. I lowered my head.

“Thank you. I’ll go back to the classroom first.”

“Okay. Be careful with your arm. Really, what to do.”

“Don’t worry. I’m really okay.”

“Still……”

“Then I’ll see you in class later. Goodbye, Teacher.”

“Okay, bye.”

“Yeah.”

A phlegm-filled voice answered without even looking at me. The sound of the newspaper turning was louder than the answer. I adjusted the bag strap that kept slipping off to one side due to the weight being concentrated on one side. And as I left the faculty room and closed the door, I heard the old Teacher’s voice through the gap in the door, which was no different from thin plywood. Unlike the voice that greeted me earlier, it was a very loud and hearty voice.

“There’s something about him that I just can’t warm up to. He’s too cold.”

“Jun-i? No. Teacher, Jun-i is really kind. He helps me so much.”

“Mr. Min, how are you going to get by with so little sense? He’s not kind, he’s just pretending to be. He doesn’t even have a friendly vibe…… Tsk! Anyway, I don’t like him.”

“Mr. Min, don’t believe him. That old man only picks on the handsome kids.”

“What?”

“Mr. Lee. When you get old, you should have a kind heart.”

The one who intervened was another Teacher who was about the same age as the geography Teacher. He had just been staring until now, but as soon as I left, he playfully scolded him. Even if they insult each other like that, they all eat from the same pot, so they keep the line that can be taken as a joke.

I should have closed the door sooner.

The gossip about me that the Teachers were spouting was not worth listening to anyway. What am I going going to do even if I listen? It’s not something I can solve. It just leaves me with an unpleasant feeling.

But I can’t help but feel annoyed. Does he like bullying kids just because he’s old? What’s with saying that in a loud voice as soon as I left, before the door even closed? Is he telling me to listen on purpose?

My lower lip pokes out for no reason.

“Excuse me.”

“Huh? Oh.”

“Are you going into the faculty room?”

I was startled by the sudden unfamiliar voice. I quickly turned my head. A face that was familiar but whose name I didn’t know was standing awkwardly next to the door. I waved my hand and said as calmly as possible.

“No, I was just closing the door.”

“Then I’ll go in.”

“Okay.”

I nodded and readjusted the bag that had slipped down again. I hurried out of the hallway, worried that the Teachers might see me through the open gap. As I walked down the hallway, recess started, and I stood in the middle of the hallway, which was full of running boys, and looked at the door of the classroom, which felt somehow distant.

Go Yohan is in there.

I covered my neck with my left hand. A faint breath, like a candle flame fluttering in the wind, shook me inside and then escaped roughly. The opaque classroom window was just like my stuffy insides. The extremely quiet classroom across the noisy hallway was even more nerve-wracking. If I opened the door, all eyes would definitely be on me.

My chest feels tight.

“Damn it, I wish I was in a class with troublemakers like in the second grade.”

But avoiding it won’t solve anything. Before opening the door, I prayed to every god I could remember. I knew very well that what I was doing was a pathetic act of an atheist, but I also knew that the only place I could turn to was a miracle.

But I wasn’t that unlucky when it came to this kind of luck.

Please, let me be lucky today too. I desperately hoped that Go Yohan would want to avoid me too. And I prayed dozens of times that Go Yohan wouldn’t be in the classroom and opened the door. At that moment, I experienced my worst luck.

“Move.”

They say nineteen is an unlucky number. But if I’m only eighteen, it’s not an unlucky number, is it? And if I’m having an unlucky year, isn’t that bastard having an unlucky year too? What are the odds of seeing Go Yohan as soon as I opened the door? As if Go Yohan was also trying to open the door and leave, he was awkwardly holding up his arm. Go Yohan said only one word to me, who was blocking the door. He didn’t even make eye contact.

“……”

I couldn’t be stubborn or argue with those words.

His eyes were filled with a strange malice. It stimulated the fear that was somewhere in the depths of my heart. My mouth froze stiff. Go Yohan brushed past me, hitting my shoulder. It was a clear expression of displeasure.

I knew it then.

I’m a discarded card.

My head went cold. The moment I lifted my head, feeling as if the blood had drained to my toes, I saw one guy and another guy sitting at the end of the row making eye contact and whispering. They were subtly looking at me too. I cautiously opened my mouth, as if nothing had happened, as if nothing had happened to me.

“What……”

Damn it. It was pathetically pathetic. I think I’d sell my life if I could take back those words.

“……Ah, shit.”

There are days when nothing works out. Like when I liked Han Jun-woo.

When I think about it, my life has never rolled for me. I wasn’t the center of the world, and no matter how hard I tried, I was just a high school student. Besides, wasn’t it said that I was having an unlucky year? Comparing the nerve war between Go Yohan’s luck and mine, it seems that the winner was always Go Yohan.

I became certain of that fact because of the midterm exams.

I kept waiting for Go Yohan’s punishment. Go Yohan didn’t do anything, but I knew that it was to wait for the right time, so I became even more anxious. The most important thing was that Go Yohan really didn’t do anything. Really nothing.

Go Yohan began to treat me like a third party in this class, little by little. Everyone was a little puzzled, but so subtly that they couldn’t be sure. For example, calling Kim Seok-min and Lee Seok-hyun and subtly excluding me from lunch. Everyone is laughing in understanding, but there are stories that I can’t understand. It was as if chewing on a hard stone made my teeth tingle.

“Hey, that bastard we had in the first grade, he works at that gas station over there.”

“Damn, I knew he’d end up like that after causing that accident.”

I don’t know. Who caused what accident in the first grade, and which gas station he works at. Why, why, is he doing it now. But everyone except me knew. In the end, I got up, watching their faces.

“Um, I’ll get up first.”

“Ah, ah, sorry. Hey, we talked too much about things we only know.”

I answered Kim Seok-min’s sincere apology with a strange forced smile.

“No, I have to study…… because the midterm exams are in a few days.”

“Well, that’s true. Hey, Yohan, are you going up too then?”

Kim Seok-min and Lee Seok-hyun’s eyes turn to Go Yohan. Go Yohan licked the inside of his gums with his tongue and glared at me with such cold eyes. There was no answer. Kim Seok-min and Lee Seok-hyun, who read the atmosphere, looked at me with eyes that had changed so quickly that it was scary.

“……I’ll go.”

“……”

I grabbed my tray and hurried out of my seat. I couldn’t look back. I felt like I was going to die of thirst.

After that, I couldn’t eat lunch with them. As always, when it was lunchtime, Go Yohan would come to my seat and wait for me, but this time he just tapped the desk with his finger and left. I had no chance.

All the nightmares of senior year started from this time. It’s the event that heralded the beginning of my frustration.

Damn it. I didn’t know I was so bad at using my left hand. I looked at the clock to fill out the OMR card and it was already one minute before the end. It didn’t matter at all for other subjects that only had multiple-choice questions, but the problem was math. I had no talent for mental arithmetic, and it was hopelessly insufficient to scribble formulas with my left hand.

I pulled myself together and picked up the computer pen, but when the bell rang, I could only draw lines up to question 25. I was stiff and let go of my mind, and then I hurriedly filled in the remaining blanks before the gym Teacher, who was the proctor, opened his mouth.

“Put down your pens and collect them from the back.”

The crooked lines were quite clumsy. But it doesn’t matter. It’s enough that I wrote something. Now I just need to turn the OMR card over and write the short answer questions. Then it’ll be fine. An unfamiliar hand came into my desk. The kid in the back seat carefully asked, seeing that I wasn’t turning over the OMR card right away.

“Didn’t you finish marking?”

“……”

I only need to write three short answer questions. My heart drops to the floor on the blank back of the answer sheet. It’s against the rules to write any more than this. The rules that have been set since I was eight years old are strangling me. How much will be deducted if all the short answer questions are wrong? The points were high. How many points were they exactly?

“Oh no, what should I do? The short answer answers are empty?”

The other kids are already holding their test papers and comparing answers, but our line stopped in front of me. Several gazes turned to me.

“What’s wrong?”

“Kang Jun couldn’t fill out all the short answer questions.”

A small whisper was heard.

My mind, which had been sold to the empty answer sheet, suddenly came to its senses. It’s crazy to say that I’m going to fill out the answer sheet here. I can’t afford to be caught by the kids, and Go Yohan isn’t on my side, so if I get hated like this, it’s over.

Yeah. It’s okay to get a few math questions wrong. The average is low, so it won’t be that big of a hit. It’ll be okay. Yeah. It’s okay. I can make up for it. I comforted myself.

And I forced a smile and turned over the OMR card.

“No, it’s okay. Take it.”

I was dying of suffocation, but I knew this was my best. I also thought it was a wise choice.

After turning over the card and putting down the computer pen, my hands were full of sweat. I wiped the sweat on my uniform and looked around. A few of the kids in the class are looking at me with various eyes. Most of them were pitying me. I felt a lump in my throat for no reason at those faces.

What are you looking at with that face? It’s not a big deal if I get that many wrong.

……It really won’t be a big deal, right?

It has to be. I believed what I wanted to believe. I quietly shut my mouth tightly. But it was okay up to that point. It wasn’t bad. I didn’t know what would happen to my math score. My grades might drop a little, but I thought I would at least end up in the top 5 in the school. I decided to be moderately satisfied with that…….

“Huh? Jun-i didn’t write all the answers?”

The damn gym Teacher shouted loudly, looking at my name written on the answer sheet. At those words, I blankly straightened my back and looked at the gym Teacher.

“Yes?”

“Bring your test paper here.”

“……Why?”

“Why is like asking why a Japanese ship is coming. Stop talking back and bring it here.”

The gym Teacher, who always had a loud voice, always spoke in a half-threatening tone. He often acted more exaggeratedly on purpose to establish the status of his subject, which was often ignored. That threat was quite effective. The roar of a big adult is how to make people weak.

Knowing that I would only get stressed out if I was scolded by the gym Teacher, who only had a loud voice, I squirmed and took the test paper to the Teacher’s desk.

The gym Teacher, who took the test paper from my hand as if snatching it, immediately looked at the back and said this.

“27, -1. 394, 0. What. You wrote all the answers?”

“……”

“This bastard, if you couldn’t write it, you should have said you couldn’t write it. If a kid like you has a sharp drop in grades, how much of an impact will it have on the class average? Don’t you know that your Homeroom Teacher has to write a letter of apology?”

Then he took out a pen from his pocket.

“Teacher?”

“Okay. Go back. Let’s see……. 27……. -1……. 394……. 0…….”

“Teacher, wait a minute, I’m okay. I didn’t write the answers on purpose because the time was up.”

“What? Hey. Look at what this kid is saying. You solved the answers, but why didn’t you write the answers on the answer sheet? Are you crazy? I’ll let you off the hook this time, so be careful on the college entrance exam.”

The gym Teacher was writing on the answer sheet with one hand and pointing at my arm with the other.

“And don’t break your arm again.”

I felt the glares flying from the back of the classroom. Clearly, the whole class is watching.

Damn it, the worst situation came to mind on its own. What if they talk bad about me among themselves after class, what if I get caught by the kids in the class. What if I get hated for this? My frightened eyes unconsciously went to Go Yohan. It wasn’t difficult to find him since he was always sitting arrogantly in the back of the classroom.

“……!”

Damn it, I took a sharp breath and quickly turned my eyes to the window. Go Yohan was looking at me.

While eating a chocolate bar. Foolishly staring at the empty sky, feeling the gaze as it was, and twitching the tips of my fingers. Is it just my imagination? It seemed like Go Yohan was laughing at me.

No. No, I can’t get caught in a trap. I can’t give him an excuse.

An emergency alarm went off in my head. I quickly turned around and called the gym Teacher.

“No! Teacher, please don’t write the answers. I’m really okay.”

“Ah, you talk too much. Are you doing this because you’re conscious of the kids? Hey. Everyone, look. You can see that Jun-i’s arm is injured, right? Think of it as a handicap and understand. Okay?”

Sometimes there are adults who don’t listen to requests like this. Before I could do anything, the gym Teacher stuffed my answer sheet into a bag full of other kids’ answer sheets. He even left these words.

“Actually, if it was another kid, there would be no chance. Okay?”

That arrogant swagger exited the classroom just like that. I stood there, feeling empty, and resentfully watched his retreating figure. It was all over. Carrying a heart full of despair, I returned to my seat and saw the spot behind the teacher’s desk, meeting the gaze of thirty pairs of eyes staring at me.

“……”

For a moment, I didn’t know what to do and just crumpled my uniform pants.

The classmates seemed to have fallen back into their own stories, but some were glancing back at me. They were definitely talking about me. As expected, a guy with a slightly loud voice spoke up.

“Wow. Kang Jun got an extra five minutes.”

“Hey. We can hear you.”

“If he gets the top score in the whole school again this time, we should protest.”

Jokes were exchanged in front of me. They were making me the subject of their laughter. This time, even I couldn’t say anything in response. I just awkwardly smiled and replied.

“Surely, I didn’t get everything right.”

“Hey… Wait, 27, -1, 394, 0? What did you put for the last question?”

“……I put 2.”

“Me too.”

“Then isn’t that wrong?”

I heard someone teasingly scolding. Then, Go Yohan and I made eye contact again.

Damn it. I was worried, just in case, but Go Yohan turned his head away as if he had lost interest. It was blatant disregard. That, in its own way, was tormenting. Feelings of relief and disappointment mixed together.

Still, until this point, I thought this would end as a minor incident.

First of all, Go Yohan didn’t seem to care much, and the rumor didn’t spread throughout the entire grade. A few people in Class 2 seemed to know, but after a few days, everyone seemed to have forgotten about the incident.

That is, until I heard that I had, once again, gotten the top score in the entire school.

As luck would have it, the most difficult subject in this exam was math. Moreover, the difference between the top student and the second-highest student in the entire school was only two points in math. Ha Min-woo, who was third in the school last time, studied desperately, but he wrote 2 for the last short-answer question and couldn’t beat Kang Jun. And An Jisu, who was second in the school last time and a little complacent, wrote 21 for the second short-answer question, which was worth four points, and ended up third in the school. Math boasted like that.

“Kang Jun in Class 1 is the only student who understood my intention in the questions. Everyone, let’s try harder.”

Those words were poison to me. The seed containing the poison grew and gave me the fruit of a terrible May.

If Go Yohan had said, “Well, that could happen,” as usual at that moment, nothing would have happened to me. I definitely think so. But Go Yohan’s gaze was fixed on his phone, not on me. The corners of his mouth curved as he looked at the screen. I definitely witnessed it. My gaze fled from Go Yohan. Instinctively, I looked at my toes.

This was a disaster. Misfortune was coming.

Something was seriously going wrong.

I tore open a paper box and took out a digestive pill. My chronic indigestion had returned. It was definitely stress-related. I pounded my innocent chest with my fist and gulped down water.

“Cough, cough… Hack.”

It had been about two weeks since I had eaten a proper school lunch. Today, I settled for bread again. The bread sold at the school store was usually dry and tasteless. That’s how cheap factory bread is. Despite knowing this fact, the only reason I had been getting lunch from the school store for the past two weeks was Go Yohan.

Since the midterm exams, Go Yohan hadn’t even pretended to wait for me anymore.

“……”

I silently swallowed the dry, stuffy bread. It felt like my throat was blocked.

Go Yohan’s change of heart was so cold. The relationship between Go Yohan and me had instantly returned to a state worse than it was in the first grade. His slender, melancholic eyes no longer met mine, and he didn’t even make those embarrassingly lewd jokes anymore.

The reason for the change was clear. I had been abandoned. Just like Han Jun-woo had done to me.

Therefore, I couldn’t ask. What happened after I left, what your brother said, whether you were at a disadvantage. As soon as I thought of the last words, I slapped my forehead with my palm.

“Worry about what you should be worrying about, you idiot.”

Please, worry about your own life. Kang Jun.

This happened after the second period ended today.

A kid I had run into a few times at the same academy spoke to me. I simply remember this guy. Oh Yeon-jun. Eighth in the class, that’s it. He wasn’t a very remarkable guy. We didn’t even talk in the second grade, and in the third grade, we were in the same class and only occasionally exchanged greetings at the academy.

“You’ve been really quiet lately, haven’t you?”

At this point, I couldn’t help but feel offended by this question. Were we even close enough to ask such a thing? And what was this bastard’s intention in saying that to me? I didn’t think I was being overly sensitive. Everything was sensitive. But, contrary to my resentful feelings, I had to tell a kind-looking lie to make at least one person on my side.

“It’s because it’s senior year. I can’t rest because I’m worried about my grades.”

It was a joke, but Oh Yeon-jun seemed to have taken it seriously. That’s how all the study bugs are. I understand because I’m also a so-called study bug. He made a serious face and nodded.

“That’s true. It’ll be a little more relaxed in the second semester, though.”

“Because internal grades aren’t included?”

“Yeah. Oh, how was your March mock exam?”

“Me? Just… moderately okay.”

“Really? Then is Korea University possible?”

“If you just look at the score, it’s barely possible.”

“Wow, wow. Kang Jun, you’re so lucky.”

“No. You have to see the situation at that time. The competition rate is also important, and luck is important too…”

“But that means you’re within the range of acceptance. Even the lower departments are difficult with my grades.”

Oh Yeon-jun made a gloomy face and was sad, then suddenly continued.

“Is it true that the March mock exam is the same as the college scholastic ability test score?”

What should I have said to this? I just said what I thought Oh Yeon-jun wanted to hear.

“No. There’s a student who’s retaking the exam at our academy. I heard that his college scholastic ability test score was higher than his March mock exam.”

“Really? Ah, I guess so? Surely the score won’t not increase at all in a few months?”

Oh Yeon-jun’s eyes shone with hope. Actually, it wasn’t my words that were important, but the agreement. Perhaps relieved by the shallow comfort, Oh Yeon-jun joked in a slightly sarcastic tone.

“With that kind of grade, you can live a little more freely. Anyone would think you’re the top student in the whole country.”

“…The top students in our school are good at studying. I’m anxious if I rest even a little.”

“Hey. You’re going to smell like sugar. Sugar. You’re going to get ostracized.”

If the reaction was unsettling, was this also an overreaction? For now, I forced a smile.

“……Haha.”

“Well, the great Kang Jun wouldn’t do that.”

A slightly forceful palm struck my back. It didn’t hurt, but it wasn’t light either. It was a level of intensity that clearly felt unpleasant. Why is this bastard really doing this? My eyebrows furrowed on their own.

I can’t act recklessly because of Go Yohan, who might do something, but I’m not the type to just stand still. Aphids that covet the stem must be crushed to death by hand before they climb up.

“…That’s a bit strong?”

“Ah, sorry. I’m sorry. Study!”

Oh Yeon-jun avoided the situation with an insincere apology. A bastard who repays kindness with evil. If that’s the case, why did he ask about the March mock exam? No. Perhaps this situation is related to Oh Yeon-jun’s actions. The fact that I don’t have anyone to eat lunch with right now.

It sounds like a minor concern, but it was a devastating hardship for me, who was still a high school student. Of course, there would be a place to squeeze in if I carried my tray around. The problem was that I could predict the rumors that would spread when I didn’t sit at the same table as Go Yohan, that is, when I ate at the same time as Go Yohan, but not in the same place.

‘Kang Jun must have been abandoned like Han Jun-woo?’

‘Did he do something wrong? Or maybe he…’

I stopped thinking with a pale face. It was terrible just to think about what would happen after that.

From eating together every day for a year, to suddenly using a different table? That was a death sentence for our friendship. The important point was that Go Yohan was my executioner.

I wasn’t stupid enough to put my neck in the noose, and I wasn’t brave enough to volunteer to be an outsider to everyone. So, the method I chose was to make excuses about my arm and studying. As it happened, Kang Jun, who was the top student in the school, was a good excuse.

Even when everyone went out to eat lunch, I buried my face in my desk and held a pen. I tried to look like a passionate student who was completely absorbed in studying. If anyone asked, “Why is he eating alone?” or “Why isn’t he eating with Go Yohan?” I would quickly mutter the words I would use to explain myself.

‘I’m trying to focus on internal grades until the second semester. I’m only going to do this until the second semester. Besides, it’s hard to use a spoon because of my arm right now.’

I think it’s a good excuse.

Then Oh Yeon-jun asked first, and I answered with the excuse I had planned.

Oh Yeon-jun listened to my answer and laughed, saying something very strange. A topic came out that had nothing to do with what I had said.

“But Yohan looked cool. I wondered why. I honestly thought he was a bit of a thug.”

“Huh?”

“Yesterday, we ate lunch together in the cafeteria. I was eating with my friends, and you haven’t been around lately, so I was curious and wanted to ask you why? So I asked if I could sit next to him, and he just told me to eat next to him? So I ate lunch with him? Then I talked to him for a long time, and wow. I finally know why he was famous.”

I stared at Oh Yeon-jun.

He seemed to be absorbed in his own situation and started rambling on about things I didn’t even ask.

“……”

To be honest, I was jealous.

Go Yohan’s seat was always my seat. As always, my petty jealousy flared up regardless of the situation. I wanted to shut Oh Yeon-jun’s mouth. I really wanted him to disappear from my side. I hated it so much.

“It’s okay for him to have lower grades. You know? Yohan is super rich. Won’t he go to college abroad? From the way he talks, it seems like he’s going to America. To the Ivy League?”

“……Really?”

He’s acting like he’s super close. He’s also annoying with his know-it-all attitude. Really. I was just fiddling with the end of my mechanical pencil, half-listening to what he was saying because I didn’t like what he was saying.

“Yeah. He seemed like he was preparing to study abroad.”

“Well, that could be true.”

“You don’t know either? Yohan is good at English. I was so surprised. He was a complete native speaker.”

Suddenly. The hand that was touching the mechanical pencil stopped.

“Did Go Yohan say that to you directly?”

The question popped out of my mouth without me even realizing it. No one was curious about Go Yohan’s English grades. It was Go Yohan’s strength that only I knew. It was something Go Yohan told me directly. My stomach, which I had hastily stuffed with bread, felt greasy. I felt like my stomach was blocked.

“Yeah. We talked a lot while eating at that time. I didn’t even realize lunch was over.”

“Ah, really?”

“It would have been nice if you were there too. It’s a shame. We could have heard your story too if you were there.”

“……”

I curled my toes. It’s what I do when I can’t clench my fists or bite my lips. But I always had a habit of not showing it. I always spoke gently, as usual.

“I can’t help it because of supplementary classes.”

“Then you’ll really be the top student in the whole country. You.”

Oh Yeon-jun was saying something that anyone could tell was sarcastic. That annoying bastard. The malice stemming from his dirty jealousy was leaking out like crazy. I gladly accepted Oh Yeon-jun’s not-so-subtle provocation.

“I know. It would be nice to be the top student in the whole country. I’d get into a top department at Korea University.”

Because you can’t. I packed a lot of contempt into one sentence. Oh Yeon-jun playfully smiled, tapping my shoulder. It was a pretty friendly smile, but I never missed the subtle look in his eyes.

“Hey, wait a minute!”

Oh Yeon-jun shouted loudly, looking at the window between the classroom and the hallway, and abruptly stood up and left, rudely cutting off the conversation. This was better. I suppressed the churning in my stomach and touched the face of Oh Yeon-jun, who was visible across the window.

And I had completely different thoughts.

He doesn’t have a bad-looking face. If Oh Yeon-jun dressed up neatly to some extent… Damn it. I clenched my fist tightly with my good hand. And I hit my thigh hard with my fist. Let’s forget it. I have to forget everything.

As expected, Oh Yeon-jun is not someone to be trusted. The proof was the rumor that had spread about me.

The story that I wasn’t even eating to take care of my internal grades until the second semester quickly spread. Oh Yeon-jun was the only one who knew that fact, so Oh Yeon-jun was the culprit. Well, it’s something I had already prepared for. He didn’t seem like a guy who could keep his mouth shut.

The first to interfere was the Homeroom Teacher. The Homeroom Teacher, who often passed by the classroom during lunchtime, would look at me with an admirable face and pat me on the back.

“Being the top student must be a burden, right? Don’t study too hard, and make sure to eat.”

“Yes.”

“Should I open your drink for you?”

“Ah, it’s okay. My fingers are fine.”

“That’s what it looks like.”

And the Homeroom Teacher would often give me drinks or health foods because I was skipping meals. In that respect, the Homeroom Teacher was quite helpful. Except for the questions she occasionally asked me.

“Jun-ah. Actually… I’m really sorry to ask you this while you’re studying…”

The Homeroom Teacher glanced around and said to me cautiously.

“Have you heard anything about Jun-woo?”

“No.”

I answered reflexively.

I don’t know why she keeps asking about things I don’t know. It’s just annoying. Especially in this situation, the shitty memories from that time keep coming back, and I’m getting stressed. I’m tired of pretending to be an innocent model student and putting up with the Homeroom Teacher’s whining. Why is the Homeroom Teacher so kind beyond her capabilities? But with endless patience, I suppressed the rising heat and answered calmly.

“I haven’t heard any news since he stopped coming to school.”

“Do you think Jun-woo will take the high school equivalency exam?”

“…Is he being held back?”

At my words, the Homeroom Teacher checked to see if there was anyone around and answered carefully.

“Well, Jun-woo’s attendance is very low. And even if he comes to school… I don’t think he’ll hear good things.”

“He’s being expelled.”

“……Yes.”

The Homeroom Teacher frowned and sighed softly.

“There are a lot of complaints that Jun-woo is disrupting the class atmosphere… His grades were always below the standard, and that’s how it ended up… I tried my best to argue, but it didn’t work out. I want to tell Jun-woo at least the result, but I don’t have any way to contact him. The parents too…”

That’s right.

It’s amazing how a family can collapse so suddenly that it makes you wonder if it’s possible. If it was going to fail like that, it should have failed in the early part of the second grade. That way, Han Tae-san’s life wouldn’t have been ruined as well. He’s a nuisance until the end. Han Jun-woo is.

The fact that she keeps telling me these stories shows that the Homeroom Teacher still doesn’t know the ecosystem of the classroom very well.

Where there is a bully, there is a child being bullied. If the former was Han Jun-woo, the latter was Han Tae-san. Unfortunately for Han Tae-san, the Homeroom Teacher was a teacher who wanted to save all the students. But as long as the two of them exist in the same classroom, there is no peace in the classroom.

“……Teacher.”

A frustrating and frustrating Homeroom Teacher. The angelic Homeroom Teacher who cares for Han Jun-woo was a demonic presence to Han Tae-san.

There is no true teacher in the world. A teacher who loves all students at the same time becomes a teacher who torments marginalized students. To lead this jungle, you have to be sure who to abandon and who to take. The Homeroom Teacher, who is still in her mid-twenties, seemed too young to break free from her illusions and become a realistic teacher.

“If I happen to meet him, I’ll tell him.”

“Do you have a way to meet him?”

The Homeroom Teacher asked back in a hopeful voice, but this was all I could say.

“No. It’s not like that… But if I happen to meet him, I’ll definitely tell him.”

“……Okay.”

It was a slightly relieved answer.

“I’m grateful for even that much. Jun-ah.”

“It’s nothing.”

The Homeroom Teacher might think that she has fulfilled her responsibility with this. She was a kind person, but a little lacking in responsibility. The Homeroom Teacher slowly patted my back and then said, realizing something.

“Oh my. Look at my mind. I unnecessarily took up the time of a student who’s studying. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Please tell me anytime you need anything.”

I smiled slightly.

“Thank you for the drink.”

“No, I’m the one who’s grateful. Study hard.”

“Yes.”

Homeroom Teacher muffled his footsteps and carefully left the classroom. After Homeroom Teacher left, the classroom was filled with silence. As I sat still, I could hear the ticking of the clock. The classroom during lunch, when no one was around, was so quiet. And lunch, when no one sought me out, was so lonely. I realized anew that I was learning so much at the age of nineteen.

“……What do you mean, ‘try hard’? I couldn’t solve a single problem.”

I threw the mechanical pencil onto the workbook.

And the fact that I was struggling like this was also proof that I was nineteen. I didn’t have the confidence to win against Go Yohan, nor could I find a way to resolve this situation. All I could do was prevent the worst possible outcome.

I was afraid of falling.

There’s a difference between me liking Han Jun-woo and me liking Go Yohan.

Han Jun-woo made a mistake towards me, and I made a mistake towards Go Yohan. Go Yohan was naturally angry. It’s just that I couldn’t understand his way of expressing it. So Go Yohan was disappointed in me, and now he hates me.

The commonality is my behavior pattern.

I ignored Go Yohan just like I had ignored Han Jun-woo.

I often found myself glancing at him without realizing it, but I would quickly and consciously avert my gaze. I didn’t want to be caught caring. It was a matter of my pride.

I had been abandoned, but I didn’t want to believe that I had been abandoned.

I abandoned him too. I agreed to it too. I believed that. The false belief helped me endure.

During the time I couldn’t receive Go Yohan’s gaze, I thought about why I had come to like Go Yohan. First, he’s handsome. I care a lot about looks. Second, he’s tall. I care about build too. Third, he’s rich. But I’m rich too, so whatever. Scratch that. Third, he’s pretty good at studying. But that was an unexpected element, not something that would make me fall for him. Scratch that too. Third, he was quite kind to me.

Right. He was kind to me. And he continued to be kind even after he knew my true nature.

After realizing that, five nights passed before I regretted what had happened at Go Yohan’s house. Sometimes I was so ashamed of my actions that I couldn’t sleep. I was so embarrassed that I wanted to strangle myself to death. After nights where I wished Kang Jun was dead, wished I could just disappear, there was Kang Jun again, resilient.

After that, I consciously avoided looking at Go Yohan. I desperately held back and endured.

There were days when I didn’t see him even once. I was still hungry at lunch, and the bread was still tasteless. But those were still manageable days. Compared to the graffiti I found in the science lab, that is.

“……”

<ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋbastard>

The graffiti was written with a permanent marker on the second row of desks in the science lab.

I couldn’t know when it was written, who wrote it, or even if this ‘Gang-ssi’ was really me, but I instinctively knew that it was referring to me.

I had always been resilient to anyone who insulted me. That was because I knew very well that everyone who insulted me was actually jealous of me. Their criticism originated from my success. They must have been annoyed that a model student who had never fallen out of the top ranks in the school was hanging out with high-ranking guys.

But this graffiti was different. With just four characters, it showed my downfall as it was.

To be exact, it made me realize that I, Kang Jun, had been abandoned by their emperor.

“Pathetic bastards.”

I said that, but my face was red with shame and anger. It was a stroke of luck that the lights were off because I was showing a PPT. Otherwise, everyone would have known that I had been insulted.

“Just because of a few days……”

Boys are more sensitive than people think. They pretend not to care, but they’re more aware of what others think than anyone else. They pretend not to care because they’ll fall if they’re caught being aware of what others think. If they care too much, their ‘image’ won’t be cool, and if they don’t care, they’ll lose ‘friendship’.

So they must have quickly noticed the rift between me and Go Yohan.

I covered the ‘Deposed Consort Kang’ with my trembling hand. I pressed my palm firmly against the desk and rubbed it with force, but the writing in permanent marker wouldn’t come off. Still, I clenched my fist, covered the insult, held my head high, and suppressed the turmoil inside.

“Just because of a few weeks……”

I thought, swallowing the rising emotions with defiance.

This isn’t the time to be doing this. I had to do something, anything. No. First, I had to erase this graffiti right now before anyone saw it. I felt a hot flush rising under my eyes, but I desperately held it back. I bit my lip while no one was watching.

I almost turned my head to look at Go Yohan, but I managed to resist that quite well too.

And as soon as class ended, I hurriedly borrowed alcohol from the nurse’s office and returned to the science lab, the permanent marker on the desk was smeared with purple traces. I was soaked in the fear that someone had seen this graffiti. The despair that my downfall had been revealed. That feeling came over me in an instant. At the same time, Shin Jae-hyun, who I didn’t even know existed, appeared. He looked at me with pity and said.

“Shin Jae-hyun erased it for you. Go thank him.”

His eyes were filled with pity for me.

At the same time, I despaired. Now rumors about me would be rampant in the faculty room. I wanted to die.

The first time I saw Shin Jae-hyun’s name was on the paper posted in the hallway with the mock exam rankings.

31st in the whole school. If Chemistry hadn’t told me his name, I definitely wouldn’t have been able to guess who he was, he was such a quiet student.

After that incident, I observed Shin Jae-hyun for three days.

Looking back, Shin Jae-hyun was the first middle-class kid I had ever voluntarily started observing.

I was constantly curious. How he saw the graffiti, why he erased it, whether it was out of kindness, pity, a sense of justice, whether he had told anyone about the graffiti, whether he was unconsciously spreading rumors. I didn’t even know when the graffiti was written, and it was obvious that many eyes had already seen it, but I clung to the name Shin Jae-hyun. That bastard was the only witness I had found.

Then the rumors I heard about Shin Jae-hyun were unexpected.

To be honest, he was such a fake character that it was annoying. He had lived in the United States until middle school, and he was a more typical outdoorsy type than I thought, with a personality as smooth as flowing water. He didn’t belong anywhere with his unique optimistic personality, and he didn’t form groups, but he wasn’t hated either. That’s what the kids who hung out with Shin Jae-hyun often said.

Shin Jae-hyun. A positivity maniac. An LA man. A guy who’s been Americanized. Sometimes he can’t speak Korean, and sometimes he can’t speak English. ‘It’ll all work out somehow’ is his life motto, and in the meantime, he’s a reliable guy with a tight-lipped mouth. That was the assessment of Shin Jae-hyun.

Ironically, his reputation wasn’t very good with the teachers.

He seemed to be classified as a kid with no particular characteristics rather than a bad one. That’s because when I subtly asked Homeroom Teacher about Shin Jae-hyun while asking for printouts, this was the answer I got.

“Jae-hyun? He’s a good kid. He forgets his homework sometimes, though.”

Other reactions that followed were like this.

“Was Shin Jae-hyun in Class 1?”

“Yes. He’s in my class.”

“Oh, is that so?”

Teachers tend to trust me excessively. That tendency became even more pronounced after I became a fixture at the top of the school. Teachers who talked a lot would casually say a word or two and evaluate Shin Jae-hyun in front of me. Maybe they told me because it wasn’t a negative assessment. Homeroom Teacher asked, as if suddenly curious.

“But why Jae-hyun?”

“No reason.”

I naturally readjusted the printouts that Homeroom Teacher had handed me.

“He seems nice.”

“He’s a good kid.”

Homeroom Teacher, who tended to see people in a good light, said sincerely.

“As nice as you.”

After hearing those words, I felt relieved. My thoughts were organized. It didn’t seem like there would be any rumors.

After that, I spoke to Shin Jae-hyun exactly once. I took advantage of the chaotic atmosphere during the moving class. In the midst of the chaos, I approached Shin Jae-hyun and threw out a single word.

“Thanks.”

These words were less of a sincere expression of gratitude and more of a request not to tell anyone about my shame. You’re a good kid, so you wouldn’t ignore me, right? You’re a mature kid, so. That’s what I was hoping for. Shin Jae-hyun, who was walking along observing the sky and suddenly received my thanks, said this.

“For what?”

He had a face that really didn’t know anything.

At that time, I couldn’t answer because I was aware of the people around me. Shin Jae-hyun asked a question, but he didn’t get an answer. He just smiled with a face that said he was seeing a strange guy and turned away. Surprisingly, only then did I realize why I had never heard a bad story about Shin Jae-hyun.

I revised the record in my head.

Shin Jae-hyun. A better guy than I thought.

“Ah!”

I screamed briefly at the sudden sharp pain in my back.

“……What is it.”

I groped the burning area with my left hand and turned around. But I couldn’t see anything in the hallway. I inadvertently looked down and saw an object touching my feet. It was a small rubber ball. This time, I quickly raised my head and looked around, but again, I couldn’t see anything.

My position is shaking, but that doesn’t mean my pride has collapsed.

I must have been born with strong pride genes from the beginning. The living environment that allowed me not to bend that pride made me who I am now, but often, strong pride also touched my self-esteem. Mostly in front of the mirror.

“I wish I was just 5 centimeters taller.”

Then I would be at least over 180. My small build and thinner-than-average bones were my complexes. Even the mom who gave birth to me admitted it. She always took care of me with Tonic, but every time, her words poked at my complexes.

‘Drink it. Drink it. Chug- drink it. Let’s just gain 5 kilos here. Huh? Then you’ll look really good.’

I was deluded by those words and swallowed Tonic that tasted so disgusting that I didn’t even want to put it in my mouth, but unfortunately, my body wasn’t the type to gain weight. Unfortunately, having a small build also meant that it was easier to be ignored. For these reasons, I clung to grades, looks, and friendships. In order to survive in the pyramid, I had to use even the cards I had.

The good thing is that I was always above average in any group. So I thought there would be a lifeline for me. Just because it was over with Go Yohan didn’t mean my relationships were over.

These days, I actively talked to the kids around me. As a reward, I was often able to talk to the guys next to me or in the same academy, except during lunchtime. Even the obnoxious Oh Yeon-jun was included in that.

“Hey, Kang Jun!”

But there was a subtle change within that, a very subtle ‘trampling’ that was hard to notice.

“Hey, did you finish your homework today? Can I see your homework? Sorry, I forgot today. Huh?”

Oh Yeon-jun kept scratching at my nerves.

It reached its peak today.

5th period. The classroom was noisy with talk about the performance assessment. Overall, the classroom was full of complaints.

“What’s with the performance assessment for seniors? Just replace it with test scores.”

“Do you want to die? What test scores? No way. Ah, seriously. My head already hurts thinking about the topic.”

“I’m just going to ask my mom to do it for me.”

“You’re screwed.”

“Kang Jun, have you decided on a topic?”

“We really have nothing to do. It’s driving me crazy.”

Park Ha-on, who was 9th in the school, and Im Yun-gi, who was 21st in the school, asked me questions. I inwardly breathed a sigh of relief and answered. These were the kids I was trying to be friendly with the most these days. Fortunately, it seemed like there was a reward for my efforts. Because of that, my voice was a little excited.

“No. I’m going to ask my academy Teacher.”

“Which Teacher? When are you going to ask?”

Oh Yeon-jun, who had been listening from afar, suddenly jumped into the conversation. Then he said something unpleasant again.

“Hey! Kang Jun! Let’s ask together later. I’ll help you. Your arm is hurt, so it must be hard to write. Okay?”

“……”

I almost frowned openly. Since when were we close enough to give and receive help? I don’t want to get close to Oh Yeon-jun as much as possible. The more I see him, the more uncomfortable I feel, and the more jealousy he stirs up. First of all, I didn’t want to mix words with him, so I just answered vaguely.

“Okay. Let’s ask together.”

“Okay. Then later…… Oh. Right.”

Right, whenever that word came out, Oh Yeon-jun would always pick a fight.

“But you know, your arm. Isn’t it broken, not just fractured, after about 3 months?”

“No.”

“Yes, it is? My brother broke his toe, and it was exactly 3 months.”

“Ah.”

Why is he acting up again? My stomach feels stuffy again. But I can’t say that something that’s not true is true. Besides, if I say it’s true here, he’ll insist that something that’s not true is true all the time later. Until he hears the story that he’s right.

I never wanted to give Oh Yeon-jun that honor. I’m a bit of a twisted person.

“Yeon-jun-ah. Aren’t you mistaken? I don’t think so.”

“No? My brother said so? I think you’re mistaken?”

“Surely I know my own body. It’s just a fracture.”

I didn’t make excuses and said firmly.

“3 months…… That’s what the doctor said. He told me to do it for 3 months.”

Are you greater than the doctor? I barely managed to shut Oh Yeon-jun’s mouth with that sarcasm. It felt good to shut the mouth that had been acting shamelessly.

“Well, then…… Oh, right. There’s something I was going to say. We’re seeing each other at the academy after class later. We have to go together. Got it? Don’t sneak off by yourself?”

Oh Yeon-jun grabbed my shoulder and pushed me with force. Normally, I would have supported myself with my arm and endured it, but unfortunately, one of my arms was broken. Ah, damn it. There’s nothing more embarrassing than falling backwards like this and collapsing. Annoying Oh Yeon-jun. He couldn’t even talk to me when I was with Go Yohan, but these days, he’s been acting up while watching my every move. In the end, is he even trying to embarrass me? You bastard.

“……”

But it was already too late. My healthy left hand couldn’t grab the desk and let go.

At that moment, I heard the sound of a chair being pushed violently from somewhere. Was it my chair? Was I pushed that hard? Damn it, I closed my eyes. I just prayed that I wouldn’t fall in the most unsightly way possible. Please.

“……Huh?”

But my body didn’t collapse to the floor. I think it was probably luck. Someone supported my back in an awkward posture. It was probably someone passing by. I breathed a sigh of relief. I could feel the warmth of two large hands on my back.

“Be careful.”

I straightened up my half-fallen body and looked at the face of the person who had caught me.

“Oh……”

Surprisingly, the identity was Shin Jae-hyun.

I scanned Shin Jae-hyun with a confused face and said in a small voice.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Then Shin Jae-hyun passed through the bustling crowd as if nothing had happened. From behind me, I heard a voice full of emotion that I couldn’t tell whether it was admiration or disbelief. It was Park Ha-on.

“Doesn’t his gesture look like an American?”

“Ah, Shin Jae-hyun? He smells like a Yankee no matter what he does.”

Oh Yeon-jun heard Park Ha-on’s words and exaggerated even more, making a strange nasal sound. “You’re welcome.” But look at this bastard, he pushed me and didn’t even apologize? Suddenly, anger rushed to my head. I straightened up my almost-fallen body and looked at Oh Yeon-jun blatantly.

“Yeon-jun-ah.”

“Huh?”

“I almost fell just now.”

“Oh, yeah. That’s right, I’m sorry. I’ll be careful. But is he a Yankee? He’s a Yankee, right?”

He turned the words around shamelessly. Thick-skinned Oh Yeon-jun imitated Shin Jae-hyun. He stuck out his lips and made fun of Shin Jae-hyun’s unique thick lips. But Park Ha-on scolded him for that joke.

“Hey. Don’t do that. Jae-hyun is nice.”

“That’s right. There aren’t many kids like Jae-hyun. It’s just that he doesn’t understand what you’re saying.”

“……Do you guys know him well?”

At my sudden question, Im Yun-gi pointed to Park Ha-on and himself alternately and said.

“We were in the same class last year. Us.”

“Really?”

“Ah, didn’t you know? Well, Jae-hyun strangely doesn’t have much of a presence.”

“First of all, he doesn’t talk much. But he has a lot of friends? It’s amazing. Him.”

Im Yun-gi and Park Ha-on were well-matched. You could call them inseparable. There was an atmosphere that made it difficult for anyone else to get in between. So, Oh Yeon-jun seemed to find it boring when the two of them talked only to each other, excluding him. With a hateful look on his face, he spoke to me. Shameless.

“So, Jun-ah, should we meet before or after the academy class?”

Was he still hung up on that? I answered listlessly.

“After.”

“Okay. Then let’s go after it ends.”

“Oh Yeon-jun. Do your performance assessment alone. You’re putting so much pressure on him that he’s having a hard time.”

Im Yun-gi smiled kindly and chided Oh Yeon-jun. Of course, I couldn’t help but like Im Yun-gi’s words. I don’t know why he’s taking my side, though. Oh Yeon-jun didn’t like that, and he suddenly whined.

“No way! I really need to get good grades. I want to go to college through the rolling admissions process.”

“Worrying is a luxury. You even ran for student council president. Isn’t that something you can write about in your personal statement?”

“Oh, right. You were a candidate for student council president, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, was I? Is that even a merit?”

Oh Yeon-jun made a slightly uncomfortable face, then continued, feeling embarrassed.

“Right? This would be a good spec, right?”

“Of course. Not just anyone can run for student council president. You need a teacher’s recommendation, too.”

Park Ha-on and Im Yun-gi kindly fueled Oh Yeon-jun’s hopes. As if running for student council president is something to write about. It’s not that big of a deal. That’s what I thought, but it didn’t seem to be the case for Oh Yeon-jun.

Judging by his expression, he was thrilled to death. It seemed like he was the type who unconditionally likes praise, whether it’s light or not.

“Great. Ah, when I talk to you guys, I feel like I have a plan. As expected of the top students. Then I’ll go! See you later, Kang Jun!”

“See ya!”

“Bye-bye.”

I watched the two people waving kindly and reluctantly waved my hand. If I was the only one who didn’t say goodbye, it would ruin the mood. Then I thought, were the kids sitting in front of me always this nice?

“See you later.”

The kind greetings continued until Oh Yeon-jun left the classroom. Watching Oh Yeon-jun, who seemed to have a wide circle of friends, go to the next class to meet another friend, Park Ha-on smiled with his eyebrows lowered. The gentle smile instantly turned into a sneer. I saw the change and immediately shut my mouth. What was that?

“He’s still getting carried by others as always. A leech.”

At those words, Im Yun-gi put his head close and chuckled.

“How many votes did he get when he ran for student council president?”

“Thirty-two votes.”

“Wow. Thirty-two votes. He’s crazy. Isn’t one of them his own? I’d kill myself if I were him.”

“Right, and why does he keep talking to us? I’m so annoyed that he subtly stabs at us with his grades.”

“It’s because of Kang Jun and you. Both of you have higher grades than him. Did you see earlier? He didn’t even talk to me.”

“Yun-gi. Don’t get angry. You’re better than him. Honestly, his personality is… what is he, a prince?”

Park Ha-on twirled his finger near his ear. I couldn’t agree. It wasn’t because I didn’t like them looking down on Oh Yeon-jun. It was because I had another conviction.

These two must have talked to me and then turned around and cursed me like this.

Human nature doesn’t change. At least Shin Jae-hyun was decent. Rather, that level of gossip gave me confidence in Shin Jae-hyun’s good reputation. Because in the end, it always ended with “He’s nice.”

“……”

I couldn’t even get in between their solid friendship and just sat there blankly, thinking. To what extent? Among them? Probably…

‘Doesn’t Kang Jun hang out alone these days? It looks like Go Yohan really abandoned him. Serves him right for showing off.’

The faces of the two people appear as letters insulting me. My thoughts become noisy.

It was then.

“It’s fucking loud. Shit.”

Park Ha-on and Im Yun-gi’s conversation stopped abruptly. Both the conversation they were actually having and the conversation I had in my head. The words ‘It’s loud’ weren’t said by me. It was a familiar voice. A low, damp voice that scratched the vocal cords.

“……Go Yohan?”

Of course, my habits don’t go anywhere. I turned my head like a dog that had found its owner.

Finally, after more than three weeks and four days, Go Yohan interfered in my life. It was a miraculous moment. He even cut in when I was in a difficult situation. My head was filled with hope. I was in no position to laugh at Oh Yeon-jun. Because I was the same. Ah, I think I understand Oh Yeon-jun now.

Could it be that Go Yohan has become kind again?

However, Go Yohan, who made eye contact with me, threw the workbook he was holding on the floor.

Strangely, Go Yohan, who was sitting on a chair far away from the desk, seemed to be in a particularly bad mood. The workbook, which reopened with a loud thud, silenced the classroom. Everyone’s eyes were focused on Go Yohan. Go Yohan brushed his hair with his hand, and then glared at me a beat later and said.

“Kang Jun. Can you not disturb the class atmosphere? It ruins my mood when I’m studying.”

“……”

“Look at the level of their backstabbing. Their personalities are really good.”

Go Yohan smiled, raising the corners of his lips. It was full of sarcasm. I felt wronged. I hadn’t said anything. But there was something more hurtful than the unfair accusation.

Go Yohan called me Kang Jun.

I didn’t go to the academy. It was a rare act of rebellion.

I didn’t want to share assignments with Oh Yeon-jun, and I didn’t want to meet anyone in my current mood. The romantic feelings that made my fingertips tremble ended miserably in a very short and intense way. Kang Jun. It was a ruthless word that ended the feelings I couldn’t even end.

“You bad bastard……”

I lay in bed and cried my eyes out the entire time I didn’t go to the academy.

I didn’t even want to make a sound, so I buried my face in the bed and sobbed. I felt a pain that tore my heart to pieces. It was a different kind of pain than when I had a crush on Han Jun-woo. Back then, it was despair over an impossible dream, but now it was regret over what I had lost and the plummeting affection.

“……”

After crying for a long time, my eyelids felt heavy.

My eyes, swollen and barely open, felt hot from the fever. If I fell asleep like this, I would definitely look ridiculous tomorrow. Anyone would think that Kang Jun had been crying all night. I covered my face with both hands and went to the kitchen to secretly take out an ice pack.

Then, afraid that the Auntie would see me, I hurriedly returned to my room.

Because one arm wasn’t moving properly, I lost my balance while going up the stairs and almost fell. If I hadn’t braced myself on the stairs with my left hand, I might have hit my nose on the corner.

I secretly thought that it might have been better if I had just died like that.

Die. Just die. You dirty gay. You’re a failure in life.

After returning to my room, I wrapped the ice pack in a handkerchief and placed it on my eyes. My eyes felt cold, so I couldn’t fall asleep. I stayed up all night like that. I couldn’t stop the tears that welled up again in the early morning, so I sobbed. The ice pack was completely useless.

Moreover, what I was most afraid of was school tomorrow.

“……What am I going to do?”

Before leaving the house, I stood in front of the door and took a long breath while looking in the mirror.

Sensitive boys would definitely not miss the fact that Go Yohan and I had fallen out.

‘Kang Jun clung to Go Yohan and was completely abandoned. That’s the end of a bat.’

Knowing what kind of rumors would spread, I repeated the expected rumors in my mind. It was like a vaccination. If I repeated the insults I was going to receive in advance, I would be less hurt when I heard them directly later.

The only good thing was that my class was a class for top students. These guys weren’t that interested in the hierarchy within the classroom. Or, I had to hope they weren’t. There were often guys who relieved stress with gossip, and it would gradually spread outside the classroom, into the hallway, and to the building across the street.

Like Go Yohan in the West Wing.

Even if I’m a plane crashing and a chicken about to have its neck twisted, I don’t want to be pathetic.

That was something I didn’t do to Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan, who were higher in the hierarchy than me. And I’m going to do that to Oh Yeon-jun? That’s ridiculous. So, I told a brazen lie to Oh Yeon-jun, who came to scold me before class started.

“Hey. Kang Jun! Why didn’t you come to the academy yesterday?”

“Ah, well. I had a cold yesterday, so I couldn’t go to the academy.”

“I was waiting for you. You should have called!”

“I was sleeping because I was sick. And I don’t have your number.”

“Seriously. I thought you were really smart, Kang Jun? What? Your memory isn’t that good.”

But this guy always makes me feel bad like this. What should I say to make this guy feel worse than me? While I was thinking about that, an unexpected ally helped me. It was Park Ha-on.

“Who remembers phone numbers these days? Do you have nothing better to do?”

Park Ha-on’s tone clearly showed his disbelief. Park Ha-on, who was clicking the cap of his mechanical pencil, frowned and continued. He still seemed to be upset about being humiliated by Go Yohan after talking about Oh Yeon-jun.

“Stop picking on Kang Jun. Let him breathe. Can’t you see he’s having a hard time?”

“Hey. When did I pick on him? Why do you talk like that?”

“No, that’s just what I mean. Why are you getting angry? It’s scary.”

It was definitely a way of making people look like fools. In fact, Oh Yeon-jun only raised his voice a little and didn’t get angry, but sharp gazes were fixed on Oh Yeon-jun in the noisy atmosphere. The moment Park Ha-on told him not to get angry, Oh Yeon-jun became the person who was scarily angry in the classroom. Only then did Oh Yeon-jun realize that his voice was a little loud, and he continued with a slightly subdued tone.

“No. Honestly, you can help me this much. Kang Jun owes us something.”

“Owes you something?”

Owes you what? When did I owe the class anything? I had no idea. I couldn’t figure it out no matter how much I thought about it, so when I asked again, Oh Yeon-jun answered as if I didn’t even know that.

“You wrote down the answers after the exam. Everyone let it slide.”

“Huh?”

“If you hadn’t written that down, you wouldn’t have been the top student in the school. What am I saying, the top student in the school? You would have been fourth or fifth in the school? Then your grades would have been significantly affected, right? You were the top student because we let you. Do you know how upset Jisu was when she found out?”

An Jisu?

I glanced around the class. The kids who were talking in the class were the same as usual. There were guys who were quietly studying with their heads down, guys who were talking in low voices like us, and guys who had left the classroom early and weren’t in their seats. No one was interested in our conversation.

“Then you should be considerate of our class. Distribute your grades a little, share your homework.”

“……”

“That’s what……”

Park Ha-on turned his body further to look at me and didn’t continue.

Then I have nothing to say. If Park Ha-on, who was hostile to Oh Yeon-jun, was taking Oh Yeon-jun’s side, I must have really done something traitorous in this class. If it was my second year, I would have just let it go. But because they put a bunch of guys who were sensitive about grades in the class, this situation happened. I didn’t want to make things worse, and I knew my precarious situation, so I didn’t bother to make excuses.

“……”

I glanced up at the wall with the mirror. I had found out about it recently. The mirror was reflecting Go Yohan’s legs and hands, who was sitting in the back row, just a little. Go Yohan’s hand, which was holding a writing utensil, was still. I slowly closed and opened my eyes and prepared for humiliation.

Maintaining is better than falling. I had to do it, even if it was terribly awful and hurt my pride.

“……I’m sorry about that time.”

The hand hidden under the desk was clenched tightly.

“Then you’ll share your performance assessment, right?”

“Yeah. I will.”

“Wow, really. Kang Jun has really become a good boy.”

Oh Yeon-jun pointed at me with his finger and was proud. Park Ha-on tilted his head and thought, then asked me.

“What are you going to do? Have you decided on a topic?”

My path was smoothly taking the direction of becoming the classroom’s public wallet. I saw demons in the mouths of the kids who were asking questions. But it was an unavoidable path. This was the only way for the weak to survive when they had the top as their enemy. This much is not enough for forgiveness. I heard a silent warning.

Park Ha-on and Im Yun-gi left the classroom not long after talking to me.

My friendship with them was only that far. We talked in the classroom, but we didn’t share the same table. Of course, I fully understood how big of a deal it was for high school students to bring a new person into a fixed group. I would have done the same. So, I didn’t have any resentment or hatred.

I held a pen in my left hand, and when I couldn’t concentrate, I put down the pen and chewed on the dry bread, and even while chewing on the bread, I didn’t have an appetite, so I threw it on the desk and picked up the pen. After repeating that, I sighed deeply.

“Damn it. What am I doing?”

I felt a sense of futility. I put down the pen and rested my chin on my hand.

I wish I could go back to the beginning of my first year. Then I shouldn’t have become friends with Han Jun-woo. If I hadn’t been fascinated by that hierarchy and become friends with Han Jun-woo, I wouldn’t have experienced such humiliating things, and I wouldn’t have become friends with Go Yohan, and then I wouldn’t be having such a shitty time now.

No, I shouldn’t have looked at Go Yohan in the cafeteria back then. I shouldn’t have made eye contact. Even if I did, I should have ignored him.

But regretting things that can’t be undone only leaves me with an empty sense of despair. Besides, guys are always clinging to the hierarchy for their entire lives. If I hadn’t become friends with Han Jun-woo or Go Yohan, I would have been enviously watching another smiling brightly next to them, right?

So what am I going to do?

“I really don’t know myself.”

These days, I often think that I’m pathetic.

That’s what I thought when I saw a tree that I could never climb. I felt stupid and pathetic for being someone who had to climb on top of others to feel proud, but I didn’t want to live envying others. Life is a series of worries and conflicts. Did the young Kang Jun know that the nineteen-year-old me would be living with these pathetic worries?

I was thinking about the pathetic Kang Jun when Im Yun-gi’s chair in front of me moved with a thud. At the same time, a sandwich wrapped in plastic wrap was placed in front of me. What? I slowly raised my head.

It was Shin Jae-hyun again.

“Eat it.”

“……?”

“It’s an egg sandwich.”

Sandwich? I narrowed my brows.

“Why are you suddenly giving this to me?”

“Don’t feel pressured.”

Shin Jae-hyun suddenly took the bread I was eating. My bread. My blank face was directed towards Shin Jae-hyun’s mouth. Shin Jae-hyun brazenly ate the bread I was eating and said.

“Mine came with the school lunch.”

When I thought about it carefully, today was Wednesday. The day when special food came out.

I slowly reached out and grabbed the sandwich. The freshly made sandwich was warm. I swallowed hard. When I tried to grab the bread with my left hand and unwrap it, it wasn’t easy. While I was struggling like that, a hand suddenly appeared and snatched the sandwich away. Shin Jae-hyun quickly unwrapped it. The yellow and thick egg was clearly visible. I reached out and received the sandwich.

“……Thank you.”

“Like I said before, you’re welcome.”

“But why aren’t you eating it?”

“Me?”

Shin Jae-hyun, who was getting up from Im Yun-gi’s seat and returning to his own, stopped walking when he received my question. And he answered really lightly, without putting any pressure on me, in a nonchalant tone.

“I’m lactose intolerant.”

I inadvertently lowered my head and looked at the sandwich. The egg inside the sandwich was covered in mayonnaise. The reason was clear and there was no pressure. It was a very American reason. It was the moment when I understood why Shin Jae-hyun’s nickname was ‘Yankee’.

“Okay.”

He gave it to me without pressure, and I received it without pressure, so that was enough. I put the sandwich in my mouth without hesitation. The soft taste lingered in my mouth. The school lunch, which I hadn’t eaten in a long time, was more delicious than I thought. I felt strangely nostalgic. So, did my heart weaken? I inadvertently asked Shin Jae-hyun, who had turned around.

“But what about your friends?”

“Which friends?”

Usually, if you say that at this time, you’re referring to the kids you eat with, right? For Shin Jae-hyun, who was strangely deviating from Korean common sense, I pointed it out exactly.

“The friends you eat with.”

“Ah. I ate with Lee Un-do in class 6 today, but he said he was going to the playground to play soccer after eating, so I just came up as soon as I finished eating.”

Shin Jae-hyun, who was sitting in his seat and opening a book even while he was talking, smiled, revealing his teeth.

“He really likes soccer.”

“If it’s ‘today,’ does that mean the friend you eat with changes every time?”

“Yeah. I just go out to the hallway and eat with whoever I meet.”

“Isn’t it awkward?”

“It’s always awkward when you first meet.”

Shin Jae-hyun has quite broad shoulders. He had a Korean-style Yankee build. Those wide shoulders moved slightly.

“After that, isn’t it up to me?”

It was an incomprehensible remark.

Shin Jae-hyun tossed out that riddle-like comment and turned his head back to his book. I looked at the book Shin Jae-hyun was holding. It was a novel. An Anglo-American literature novel that would never appear on the exam. At this time? I understand well why his grades can’t rise to the top.

I took my eyes off the book’s title and asked again.

“Don’t you have any close friends? Like a best friend or something.”

“Best friend? No, I don’t.”

Shin Jae-hyun, still not taking his eyes off the book, said it. The words that he didn’t have a best friend didn’t seem humiliating at all, they were light and airy. After reading the book for a bit, Shin Jae-hyun slowly turned it over on his desk and looked at me, saying,

“Having a best friend means I’m excluding other people that much.”

“……”

That’s a really strange logic. But I tried to understand Shin Jae-hyun’s values. Unfortunately, my understanding didn’t last long. Because Shin Jae-hyun’s calm voice contained a name I never expected it to.

“Go Yohan, could you close the door when you come in?”

That’s when I turned my gaze to the back door for the first time. It was Go Yohan, whom I was seeing for the first time in a whole three weeks. It was the first time I was seeing Go Yohan directly with my own eyes. Go Yohan, whom I hadn’t seen in a while, looked a little haggard. Why? Go Yohan, who met my eyes, slowly closed and opened his eyes. The emotion revealed as his black pupils appeared was contempt.

“……”

“……”

Go Yohan stared at me without a word. I was endlessly scared and afraid of that gaze, so I turned my head and avoided his eyes.

At nineteen, it wasn’t just math formulas that I was newly learning. When Han Jun-woo abandoned me, I felt anger and defiance. How could I do that? Yet I’m just trembling like this in front of Go Yohan. Preparing for the fall caused by Go Yohan, I realized.

The reason I could stand up to Han Jun-woo was not only because I was arrogant, but also because Go Yohan was there.

No, was it that I could be arrogant because Go Yohan was there?

At that time, I inwardly knew that Go Yohan would support me. I definitely knew it. Then again, I miserably realize why I came to like Go Yohan.

While I was turning my head, the sound of a chair scraping loudly against the floor came from the back. The door wasn’t closed. As expected, it was like Go Yohan. Go Yohan stood at the back door for a long time, then slowly walked over and sat down in his seat. In this silence. Why bother? I felt like I was going to suffocate and die.

“……”

For some reason, the sandwich I was holding in my left hand felt prickly. Only Shin Jae-hyun, Go Yohan, and I were in the classroom. A silence that felt like I was going to throw up flowed within the classroom. I quietly looked at the sandwich, then took a big bite. Crunch, the sound of the egg being crushed rang out.

Without a word, Shin Jae-hyun got up from his seat and closed the back door that Go Yohan hadn’t closed. When the door closed with a thud. The wind whispered to me.

Remember. Kang Jun. May isn’t over yet.

On the way home after the end-of-day meeting, my shoes were stolen.

I’d heard that this kind of thing happened often since there were some desperately poor kids mixed in at school, but it was the first time it had happened to me. I didn’t have any particular attachment to the shoes, so I wasn’t heartbroken. I was just uncomfortable. I quietly closed the shoe locker door and looked down at my indoor shoes.

“I guess I’ll just have to wear these home today.”

It looked like I was going to have to advertise all around that my shoes had been stolen. Damn it.

My only consolation was that people aren’t as interested in other people’s appearances as you think. Please don’t be interested. Don’t be. And I have to kill the bastard who stole them.

“Stealing shoes at this timing?”

There was a lot of intentionality. Are you ignoring me now that I’m in this state?

Even I think it’s an excessive persecution complex, but considering what’s been happening to me these days, it would be stranger if I didn’t think that way. It’s not my imagination. A notebook disappeared, and when I came back from the bathroom, my eraser and pencil were rolling on the floor. Just now, my desk was pushed out of the row as if someone had bumped into it. It was easy to guess. They were playing around and hit my desk, and the pencil case fell, but no one picked up my things. When I was looking at my desk, left alone in the noisy crowd with wet hands, I knew that this situation wasn’t my imagination.

“Their attitudes really change like flipping a hand. Those unlucky bastards.”

Worry is worry, and I can’t help but be angry. I can’t help but feel resentful.

How could the guys who were acting friendly to me, calling me ‘Kang Jun, Kang Jun’ right up until the midterm exams, change like this? Unable to contain my anger, I walked roughly. Without realizing it, I also tore at my hair.

Then, without thinking, I took a step.

“Ah!”

The soles of my feet were burning. It hurt. I lifted my foot to check, and my white sock was turning red. What was visible below was a piece of green glass. I was duly punished for walking without looking ahead while wearing slippers. I was already annoyed. I felt like I was going crazy from the continuing bad luck.

“……Shit.”

Nothing’s working out. Why doesn’t anything work out in my life. I’m always……. Why am I always!

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shiiiiit!”

Anger rises up. I can’t stand it. Shit. This dog-like life. Is it all my fault?

When I think about it, Go Yohan also did something wrong to me. There’s clearly something he did wrong. Why am I being ignored, why do I have to live feeling small, why do I have to be aware of other people’s eyes, why do I have to have my shoes stolen, why do I have to step on this kind of dog-like shard and have my skin torn? It’s not just my fault. I’m also a victim. I, I apologized for my mistakes by not holding Go Yohan accountable. Go Yohan was selfish from the start.

“But why! Why! Why do only I! Have to go through this shit!”

That’s why guys are obsessed with the hierarchy. Because it’s a world where it’s not about what you did wrong, but who did it wrong that’s important. It’s unfair. It’s unlucky. I hate it too. I hate it! Do you think I wanted to cling to Han Jun-woo or Go Yohan from the start? Do you think I wanted to act like a bat?

“If you don’t join, you’re fucked! You bastards!”

If you weren’t on Han Jun-woo or Go Yohan’s side, you were ignored, if you couldn’t get into the group they created, you were treated like a loser, and even if you received humiliating treatment, you had to laugh it off as a joke in that small space, so what was I supposed to do?

“What, do you want me to be alone like a retard?”

So what the fuck, what have I gained now.

What kind of life am I living now that I’ve been thrown out just like Go Yohan threw me out. You dog-like bastards. If you’re going to say things like bat or whatever, then don’t make it that way. You left me to die if I wasn’t a bat. Right now, Hong Hwi-jun, Choi Dong-hwan, Park Dong-cheol. How are those bastards living at school? They’re living like retards. They can’t even do it themselves.

What the hell, why, why me? You bastards. What more do you want from me?

“Damn it!”

Unable to contain my anger, I threw the slipper I was holding on the floor.

Immediately, I heard the sound of a car horn honking, bang. Startled by the ear-splitting sound, I raised my head. There was a large foreign car there. And I saw the slipper that had hit the rear bumper and fallen to the ground. My eyes widened as much as they could. Kang Jun. You crazy bastard. Slowly, the window rolled down. The person who stuck his face out was a man who looked to be in his early 30s.

“What are you doing to my car! You son of a bitch!”

“……I’m sorry.”

“I’m having bad luck, get out of the way!”

My face flushed hotly. I hurriedly bowed my head and awkwardly walked over to pick up the slipper. In the meantime, my arm in a cast was heavy, and I stumbled to the ground once. The car started violently. The acrid exhaust fumes hit my face. I coughed involuntarily.

“Ke, cough……!”

After quickly getting up, I dragged my foot, which wouldn’t stop bleeding, and hurriedly went into the alleyway. I leaned against the wall and repeatedly inhaled and exhaled. As my heart rate slowed down, the embarrassment immediately rushed in.

“Crazy, you stupid bastard…….”

The anger I had spewed out was embarrassing, and the result of that clumsy anger was also embarrassing.

As expected, nothing works out in my life. Damn it. I slowly lowered my body and sat down on the floor. The white sock had already turned red. It seemed like it had been torn pretty badly. I also seemed to have stepped on a few more shards while moving in a hurry. But my embarrassing situation was a bigger wound to me than my injured foot, so I couldn’t get up for a while.

It was torn, as expected.

I had to take out the small shards stuck in my skin and get eight stitches. In addition, there was no need to buy new shoes. I wouldn’t be able to wear them properly anyway. I had to go to school wearing indoor shoes with a bandage wrapped around my left foot. It was fortunate that the weather was getting warmer.

Since my right arm was already injured anyway, I figured it didn’t matter what happened to my left foot. I listened to the advice not to touch the wound as much as possible and even thought it was a good thing. Because I wouldn’t have to wear shoes for a while. Because I could hide the fact that someone had taken my shoes.

I didn’t tell my parents. But I couldn’t avoid the gaze of the Auntie who was clearly staring at my foot in the evening. Feeling guilty from that indifferent gaze, I confessed first.

“I accidentally got hurt at school. It’ll heal soon. Please don’t tell my parents.”

“Your parents?”

“Yes, I’m worried they’ll worry.”

“…….”

The Auntie didn’t really respond, but I knew she wouldn’t say what I told her to say. Because she’s the one who gets scolded by my parents if she tells them I got hurt.

She might even be grateful to me for telling her not to tell them.

My foot hurt so much that I didn’t think I could walk to school. I should have taken the Crutch when the hospital recommended it. I refused because it seemed too noticeable, but everyday life was inconvenient. I worried briefly, then picked up my cell phone, thinking that I didn’t need the Crutch after all. I could just take a taxi.

“…….”

After arriving at school, I opened the classroom door, and a quiet, almost silent atmosphere greeted me. The guys who were sick of studying had already gone out to the hallway to chat, and the guys who weren’t interested in conversation were focused on solving their workbooks. The world still goes on peacefully even when I’m having a hard time. My painful days are no different from everyday life for many people.

At this moment, I thought that was fortunate. Because I didn’t want to show Kang Jun, who had a bandage wrapped around his torn foot. I’ll get caught anyway, but I want to postpone the time of attention as much as possible.

But the things you desperately want don’t come true. I must have been walking too limply. The offbeat sound of my footsteps must have bothered the ears of the kids in the classroom. Two or three people raised their heads and looked at me. Damn it. A guy who I hadn’t talked to even once since moving classes glanced at me and his gaze reached down. No way. The guy, who had a slightly surprised look on his face when he saw my foot, opened his mouth wide.

“Kang Jun. Did you get hurt again?”

“Uh, uh……. Yeah.”

“Ooh. That must hurt.”

The gaze that had been looking at my foot with narrowed brows suddenly became burdensome. I don’t even know why I did it now that I think about it, but at that time, I turned my injured foot back and subtly hid it. I guess it was because I was embarrassed. Because I couldn’t make the excuse that I had fallen anymore.

“What happened?”

“Ah. I just stepped on glass.”

So I told him honestly. Leaving out how I happened to step on it.

“Aah-.”

The guy nodded, but his gaze still didn’t leave my foot. He had a somewhat uneasy expression. What’s he looking at like that. I quickly headed to my seat. As soon as I sat down, Im Yun-gi and Park Ha-on stopped whispering. During the brief silence, they exchanged glances, then Im Yun-gi turned his body.

“I heard you got hurt?”

“……Yeah.”

“Oh dear, ooh. How did you get hurt like that?”

What’s this? My brow furrowed involuntarily. I reduced my words and increased my thoughts.

“I dropped a cup on the floor while getting water in the middle of the night.”

“Aah-. I see.”

Im Yun-gi looks at Park Ha-on and smiles. Park Ha-on nudges Im Yun-gi with his elbow as if scolding him and says to me.

“You must be having a bad year.”

“I guess so. I wasn’t careful.”

If you want to pretend that nothing happened, that it was really a mistake, you have to say it really lightly. My face, which doesn’t show emotions well, is an advantage in times like this. I shrugged my shoulders.

“I’m going to think of it as warding off bad luck.”

“Isn’t that warding off bad luck a little too strong? How many stitches did you get?”

“Eight stitches.”

“Wow. Crazy. Did you step on a knife or something?”

“The glass cup was a little big.”

But Im Yun-gi didn’t answer and looked at the back of the classroom. I knew instinctively. That Go Yohan had appeared. Im Yun-gi’s pupils follow Go Yohan’s movements. From left to right, gradually. And then down slightly.

Drag. The sound of metal scraping against the floor was heard. Im Yun-gi’s gaze returned to me.

Go Yohan had sat down in his chair. The conversation was naturally connected again.

“As expected, stainless steel cups are the best. Right?”

“I’d die if I used a glass cup twice.”

Park Ha-on and Im Yun-gi joked around with unfunny jokes. I didn’t laugh along with their jokes. Because I felt strangely bad. I might have had to laugh to avoid being disliked by them. But I didn’t. I still thought I could do that much. I’m still Kang Jun, after all. Those two didn’t force me to laugh either. It was just a joke they were making among themselves.

“…….”

An uneasy feeling grows like a clump of dust without you knowing it.

Just like how a dust pile that’s been sleeping in the corner under the bed becomes a nuisance when you’re cleaning, it becomes a problem in my life. When did it get this big. That dust pile.

It was gym class. After the math test incident, I was very uncomfortable with taking gym.

But gym class welcomed me instead. It acted towards me in a strangely coercive manner, as if showing off that it had helped me. It seemed to be expressing affection in its own way. I hated that so much. So when gym class came close, I subtly pretended to be busy and avoided it. Today was one of those days as well.

It was a day when gym class overlapped with Class 8.

Class 8 is the class that Kim Min-ho and Park Dong-cheol are in. How uncomfortably coincidental. Since my foot was injured anyway, I couldn’t use my arm, it was uncomfortable to change into my gym clothes, and I was uncomfortable with taking gym, I wondered if I should skip it under the pretext of resting in the nurse’s office.

The decision was quick. No matter how I thought about it, it was better to skip it.

So when I told gym class that I wanted to skip it, gym class said as if generously conceding.

“Physical fitness is important for seniors. Come out and get some sun, at least. Are you a child of darkness? Anyway, don’t just hole up in the classroom, come out.”

It was an implicit coercion.

In the end, I had to come out to the field and rest under duress. I should have just had them tell the kids and skipped it.

But there were also good points. When I sat in the corner of the field and stared blankly at the air, I could see all the kids on the field. Go Yohan was among them. And that’s when I realized that Go Yohan had quite a few friends. No, to be precise, I realized that there were a lot of kids who wanted to be friends with Go Yohan.

“Annoying.”

I’m living while being aware of other people like this right now. Go Yohan was playing while monopolizing two of the five soccer balls that gym class had given him, and the big guys around him were boasting, yelling things like “Pass it! Pass it!” And surprisingly, Kim Min-ho and Park Dong-cheol were also there.

Those bastards really have no pride. To be sticking to him like that even while being ignored by Go Yohan.

Of course, Go Yohan didn’t pass the ball. Go Yohan, who had clearly ignored Kim Min-ho, said jokingly.

“Why? Are you going to eat the soccer ball too?”

Kim Min-ho acted as if he had forgotten his humiliation.

“Damn it, this isn’t fat, it’s muscle. Don’t you know about gains?”

“Looks like Spam to me?”

Disgusting, disgusting. That relationship is disgusting. The fact that I was there until recently is also disgusting.

“Hey! Block Go Yohan!”

Go Yohan dodged the bulk trying to snatch the soccer ball. The soccer ball soared high into the sky thanks to Go Yohan, then landed right on Go Yohan’s ankle. Go Yohan bared his Canine Tooth, sneered, and laughed. Seeing that laugh, I immediately closed my eyes. By now, I should be feeling a deadly hatred, just like when I hated Han Jun-woo, I definitely should have.

“Damn it, shouldn’t have looked.”

Not yet.

With my eyes closed, the sounds from the field rushed in more clearly.

A boisterous noise… the sound of the ball being kicked… After all, opening my eyes would only reveal an unpleasant reality. Foolish Kang Jun, still clinging to Go Yohan. Kang Jun, agonizing over when this period would end. And Kang Jun, who, upon opening his eyes, would habitually turn his head to look at Go Yohan. I hate all of it.

But still, what I hate most is seeing the gap between Go Yohan, who lives in the highest tower, and me, and Go Yohan, who doesn’t even glance at me when I look at him.

“Huh? Uh!”

Someone’s shout made me slowly open my eyes. What I saw before my eyes wasn’t scenery, but a soccer ball.

“…Huh?”

Before I could dodge, the soccer ball, flying with all its might, slammed into my face. My body involuntarily fell backward.

“Hey! Are you okay?”

I hurriedly got up, and my nose felt tingly. I wiped under my nose with my palm. It was full of red blood. I quickly raised my head to find the culprit. Finding the culprit was easy. Because the gazes that had been on me were now directed somewhere else.

Park Dong-cheol was there. Audaciously, Park Dong-cheol casually raised one hand and said.

“Kang Jun, sorry! I messed up. Sorry! You’re not mad, are you? Sorry!”

“Hey.”

That insincere apology grates on me.

“How the hell did you kick the ball so it flew all the way over here?”

“What?”

Park Dong-cheol couldn’t seem to hear my voice. He put his palm near his ear and asked again. I wiped my nose again. Blood smeared on the back of my hand. Crazy.

Maybe the fact that I looked at Go Yohan at that moment was proof that I still had hope for Go Yohan. I waited for Go Yohan to insult Park Dong-cheol, as he always had. But Go Yohan just looked at me silently, without saying a word. The one who took care of me, who was standing there dumbfounded, was, unbelievably, the guy from my class who had spoken to me in the morning. He was just helping me because he was near me. No one volunteered to help. No one scolded Park Dong-cheol.

Everyone looked at Go Yohan, and then at me. I was still looking at Go Yohan, too.

“Please…”

That was the last chance I gave Go Yohan. Actually, it sounds nice to call it a chance. It was also my last plea. But Go Yohan didn’t say anything until the end. Not to me, not to Park Dong-cheol.

Go Yohan stared at me silently, then turned his head. The end of his gaze was Shin Jae-hyun.

Shin Jae-hyun was looking at me with a slightly surprised expression. He even seemed a little worried. Because he was hesitantly approaching me.

“…Please.”

But I resented even that friendliness. Why couldn’t it be Go Yohan? I’m disgusted with myself for even thinking that. Shit. I jumped up from my spot.

My gaze went to Shin Jae-hyun, then back to Go Yohan.

“Go Yohan, please.”

Go Yohan had an unreadable expression. And he avoided my eyes and turned his head. His large foot shot the soccer ball he had been stepping on into the sky. Bang. The silence broke with the sound of a signal flare. “Wah-!” The cheers of the children covered the field. At that moment, everyone forgot about me bleeding from my nose. And Go Yohan’s interest in me also ceased.

“…”

Only then did I get permission from the gym Teacher to go to the infirmary.

Just my luck.

Surprisingly, I met Han Tae-san in the infirmary. The school nurse wasn’t there. Han Tae-san was lying on the bed, clutching his stomach and groaning, and was flustered when he suddenly saw me come in.

“You, why, here.”

Han Tae-san, still stuttering, acted even more frantically when he saw my nose.

“Ti, ti, tissues!”

“They’re over there.”

I covered my nose with the back of my hand and pointed to the table with my remaining hand.

Seeing the roll of toilet paper scattered on the table, Han Tae-san jumped up, frantically pulled out the tissue, and pressed a wad of it under my nose. I could barely breathe from how hard he was pressing. I pushed away Han Tae-san’s hand, which was blocking my nose and mouth, and he was startled and took his hand away. And he quietly looked down at the back of his hand that I had hit. What are you looking at?

“…”

“…”

After an awkward silence, it was around the time Han Tae-san started to come to his senses. Han Tae-san, who had been looking at the back of his hand, shifted his gaze to my arm, and then looked down at my feet. At that moment, a black fog began to fill Han Tae-san’s large eyes. It was a suspicious look.

This time, I was the one who felt guilty, so I arbitrarily guessed what Han Tae-san was thinking and made excuses.

“No. Not what you’re thinking.”

“…”

“You’re misunderstanding.”

“I…”

Han Tae-san’s face was serious. At this time, I couldn’t look at Han Tae-san properly. The warning he had given me kept running through my head. I had ignored that warning.

In fact, I still didn’t believe it. My conscience, filled with meager hope, rejected the truth. Actually, it’s not wrong to say that. Because nothing has happened to me so far. Nothing like the acts of violence that happened to Han Tae-san.

“Wh, what are you misunderstanding?”

But the reason I couldn’t immediately refute Han Tae-san’s words was because I had been aware that a situation I couldn’t control was gradually approaching. If Han Jun-woo was violence, Go Yohan was indifference. I fiddled with the rough surface of the cast and said defensively.

“I’m not sure what you’re misunderstanding. But if what I’m thinking is right, I didn’t get hit.”

“…”

“I fell, stepped on glass, and got hit by a soccer ball, that’s all.”

“Kang, Jun-ah.”

Han Tae-san said calmly in a serious voice. His stuttering was still there, but unlike before, there was a slightly heavier aspect to it.

“You’re too kind, so you, you don’t know well…”

“…”

“But my beginning was a soccer ball that fell from the wi, window.”

“…”

“Se, second was the shoes. Th, the shoes were du, dumped in the jun, junkyard.”

“Tae-san. I think you’re overthinking things.”

“N, no.”

Han Tae-san spoke without stuttering, which was rare.

“…You should look for it too.”

It’ll be there. I didn’t want to look at the eyes that said that. I lowered my head and pressed the tissue harder against my nose. My shoes aren’t in the junkyard. Someone must have stolen them and is using them. They’re expensive and good. What’s the point of going all the way to the junkyard to check?

Before I knew it, the tissue smelled faintly of blood. I shook my head harder. But what still tormented me was Han Tae-san’s quiet voice.

“Jun-ah. You, you’re smart.”

“…”

“Unlike me…”

Maybe Han Tae-san doesn’t know much about me. I’m not kind, and I’m not smart. Of course, there was a time when I believed I was smart. But the moment I realized that I was just a clever fool who had only lived for eighteen years, the truth I knew was thrown into the trash can. I crumpled the tissue I was holding. Damp blood smeared on my hand.

“I told you before, I’m not as good a person as you think.”

This time, it was Han Tae-san who shook his head.

“N, no.”

“I’m not.”

Han Tae-san’s unwavering affection is uncomfortable. It was an unpleasant affection that made me frown involuntarily.

I can’t dare to define that unpleasant feeling as any emotion. It just gets on my nerves. I silently threw away the useless tissue and tore off a new one. This time, I neatly folded it into a size that fit in my palm and covered the area under my nose. Han Tae-san awkwardly tried to help me, but he failed because I had organized the tissue first, and he laughed sheepishly.

“I’m a little im, immature, but.”

“What?”

I frowned and looked at Han Tae-san. Immature? Who? Me? But I tried to hide my uncomfortable expression. I took a breath without making it obvious, and smiled as pleasantly as possible.

“Tae-san. I’m sorry, but I’m all grown up.”

“Pe, people who think th, that are the ones who aren’t gr, grown up.”

But even with my rebuttal, Han Tae-san just smiled and said this.

“…You’ll re, really be a go, good adult.”

“…”

“You we, were the only one who he, helped me.”

That’s because I had an intention. It was a word I couldn’t dare to say, but I repeated that fact to myself inwardly.

Suddenly, I remembered the heat haze that had risen when we were transitioning into summer. Students shouldn’t smoke. And Han Tae-san had laughed. Still, you’re cool. Come to think of it, that’s right. Han Tae-san was strangely rigid and stubborn. When I think about it, Han Jun-woo couldn’t do anything to Han Tae-san after all. Listening to this now, I realized that Han Jun-woo liked guys who were stubbornly stubborn to a fault.

I saw Han Tae-san from last May, whom I could never beat in my life, and closed my mouth. It was because I knew that I couldn’t win against that Han Tae-san no matter what I did or said. And Han Tae-san, whom even Han Jun-woo couldn’t make kneel, gave me some advice that was a little hard to take.

“So. Jun-ah. Go to the tr, trash junkyard. Be, before it’s emptied next week.”

“…”

“Look, and you.”

Han Tae-san hesitated a little. He seemed to be struggling to choose what word to use. Finally, he seemed to have come up with a good word, and he moved his plump cheeks slightly and said.

“I hope you ma, make a be, better cho, choice than me.”

If you’re going to say such abstract things, don’t say anything at all. What the hell am I supposed to do in this situation?

Listening to Han Tae-san’s ambiguous words made me annoyed. The problem he gave me was too difficult for me. What choice would Han Tae-san, who had experienced the worst thing, whether it was a failure or a success, make if this happened again?

But I wanted to resolve this situation somehow, so I suppressed my pride and tried to ask.

“What are you two doing right now?”

It wasn’t the school nurse who suddenly opened the door and came in.

“Oh, no, nothing.”

“Wait a minute, aren’t you Jun-i? What’s wrong with your nose? Are you hurt?”

Han Tae-san was startled and lay back down on the bed, and the school nurse was surprised when she saw my nose and made a fuss. I couldn’t ask questions as long as the school nurse was there, so I suppressed my disappointment.

“I… I bumped into something during gym class.”

When I returned to the classroom, gym class was already over.

The kids, who had already changed into their uniforms, smelled musty with sweat. As soon as I opened the classroom door, I couldn’t come to my senses because of the strong smell, so I forcibly held my breath. The Homeroom Teacher, who was preparing for the after-school meeting, looked at me, who had come in late. I had no choice but to make excuses myself.

“I had a nosebleed during gym class, so I was a little late because I had to go to the infirmary.”

“Oh my, is that so? Is your nose okay?”

“Yes. It stopped quickly.”

“That’s a relief. Then take your seat.”

“Yes.”

The awkward atmosphere was burdensome, so I touched my neck myself and went back to my seat. As soon as I sat down, Park Ha-on turned around and whispered.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded briefly. The after-school meeting was short, and the Homeroom Teacher glanced at me, gave me a thumbs up, smiled, and left. And I regretted looking at the gym clothes I was still wearing. I should have just come to the classroom first and changed into my uniform.

In the end, I didn’t want to change my clothes in the bustling crowd, so I waited until the class was empty.

Our class finished the after-school meeting unusually early, so the hallway was empty, and the classroom in Class 1 released boys who smelled musty, like water draining into a sewer. As the hallway became calm, I finally struggled to change into my uniform.

It was about the time I finished changing that I heard the sound of other classes’ after-school meetings ending.

I slowly picked up my bag. I had to hurry to get out without bumping into the kids with my pace.

My steps slowed down because I was trying not to put pressure on my soles. My body got tired quickly because my weight was only on one side. My foot also hurt. Why the hell did I step on glass like an idiot? No, which bastard stole my shoes and made me like this? When I thought about that, Han Tae-san’s words came to mind again.

‘Go to the trash junkyard.’

That word kept bothering me.

As I was repeating Han Tae-san’s words, I felt a gaze. I suddenly raised my head.

Surprisingly, Go Yohan was there.

He was sitting on the stairs as if he had been waiting for someone. And as soon as he saw me, he awkwardly got up. An awkward gaze met mine. To be honest, I was afraid of Go Yohan’s gaze. He had been ignoring me until now, so what was he going to do now?

It’s all because Han Tae-san, who had been messing with my head all this time, whispered again.

‘My beginning was a soccer ball that fell from the window.’

And Park Dong-cheol is a fervent fan of Go Yohan.

Ah, damn it. So that’s what it was. I see.

Despair weighs heavily on my mind. My feet, which had finally realized the truth, took a step back. Seeing that movement, Go Yohan spoke first. Very, a little, actually a lot, hurrying.

“Th… the leg.”

What is he trying to say? Should I answer that now? I opened my mouth, then closed it tightly again. The beginning was a soccer ball that fell from the window. A soccer ball that fell on my face. Go Yohan, who didn’t say anything.

I took another step back.

“…”

I could never know what Go Yohan was thinking. But fortunately, I knew a lot of information about Go Yohan. Go Yohan was also good at acting, and he was smart. Also, he hates tormenting others terribly.

I didn’t want to be shaken yet.

I stared at Go Yohan, who was standing on the stairs, as firmly as possible. I tried not to show any emotion, not to look scared, not to look weak. And my efforts always succeed as if to show off.

“…”

I looked at Go Yohan quite haughtily and took a step forward. Go Yohan wipes his palms on his pants and looks at me. He seemed to like me coming a little.

Is he happy because he can torment me?

I forced myself to move my steps. Go Yohan’s scent fills my nose. For a moment, a dazed thought that made my head spin pressed down on me, but I endured it with all my might. I passed Go Yohan like that. I went down the stairs as if to show off. That was the most disregard I could show.

“…Ouch.”

My legs trembled the whole time I was going down the stairs. The soles of my feet, where the flesh hadn’t grown back yet, ached. Go Yohan was already out of sight. But I still walked bravely. I didn’t want to show my weakness to anyone, and especially not to Go Yohan. No matter how stupid it was, that was the motivation and strength that had kept me going until now.

To correct my posture, I had to straighten my back.

To straighten my back, I had to distribute the force evenly over the entire sole of my foot. But my soles weren’t normal, and my arms weren’t in good condition to balance. It was only my mental strength that allowed me to go down the stairs calmly without shaking.

Finally, I reached the first floor, which was full of students. I looked at the noisy crowd.

“Damn Teacher bastards, why do they give us homework like this?”

“Ah-! Shit, did you put something in my shoe? Is this an insole?”

“Hi, this is really noisy. Please move aside for a moment.”

“Should we stop by the bookstore before going to the academy? I need to buy a workbook.”

“First of all, the late bastard is buying pork!”

I looked at the crowds who had been friendly to me until now, and who had not been hostile to me recently, even if they were not friendly. I straightened my shoulders and didn’t close my eyes. I took a calm breath.

Let’s walk. Let’s walk bravely.

Let’s not show anyone Kang Jun, who was trembling with fear after meeting Go Yohan. Let’s always remain the haughty Kang Jun. It was the moment I gritted my teeth and took a step.

“Hey!! Kang Jun!!!”

Go Yohan’s scream-like shout came down the stairs. I heard the sound of Go Yohan’s Rosary hitting the railing. The chaos that had been like five minutes before the end of the world subsided in an instant. People who knew Kang Jun looked at me, and people who didn’t know Kang Jun looked around and saw where the gazes were focused.

I clenched the hand hidden by the cast tightly.

“What…?”

The whispering intensifies along with the gazes. The emotion I felt at this time was truly fear.

I felt Go Yohan right behind me. It was as if his large hand was pressing down on my shoulder. The pressure came with nausea. The more despairing fact was that a crowd of nearly a hundred people was staring at me.

“……”

Hundreds of eyes, unreadable, were watching me. My legs trembled. The silence dwindled further, followed by Go Yohan’s piercing voice echoing through the school.

“You son of a bitch!!!”

Fortunately, at that moment, I didn’t bow my head, nor did I avert my eyes from the crowd. Hundreds of heads moved in response to my movements. Yet, I passed through the crowd with composure, finally realizing that my nightmare had only just begun.