1 – Selfish One-Sided Love

Jun. My surname is Kang, and my given name is Jun, but everyone calls me Kang Jun. Kang Jun rolls off the tongue better than Jun, you see. Han Jun-woo, who was in the same class as me for the first time in the first grade, was the first to say that, and since then, I’ve been ‘Kang Jun.’ There are a few who occasionally call me Jun, but I think I can talk about that later.

In the first grade, Han Jun-woo, whom I met for the first time in the same class, was different from me even at a glance. From appearances like height and skin tone, and even grades, Han Jun-woo was the type to firmly settle near the bottom of the entire school.

Did I look down on Han Jun-woo as soon as I saw him? I believe that people have their own place in the hierarchy, so I would have definitely done so normally. But strangely, I couldn’t do that to Han Jun-woo. The first time I faced Han Jun-woo, his light brown eyes fiercely pressed down on me.

Han Jun-woo had a unique scent. I couldn’t identify the scent, but I was captivated by his colorless fragrance, and like a fish drawn to bait, I unknowingly spoke to him.

I often looked for common ground between Han Jun-woo and Kang Jun. For example, external things like being one of the better-off kids at school, and having the badge of being the child of a very wealthy family.

For example, our school is divided into a rich neighborhood and a shantytown on either side.

Fortunately, I’m on the wealthy side. Among them, I’ve lived in the neighborhood with the most expensive land prices. Born as an only son between parents who cherish their children, I grew up without lacking anything. In particular, the fact that my parents are socially powerful figures is like being given a treasure like gold on my small palm as soon as I was born, so it’s easy to understand why I grew up a little cunning like this.

Anyway, for that reason, our school had children from wealthy homes and children from desperately poor homes mixed in one classroom. Han Jun-woo was the former. After learning that fact, I writhed with joy. I approached Han Jun-woo without hesitation with a justification, and we naturally became friends.

Just like I’m good at studying, Han Jun-woo was good at fighting. So, the kids who were known to be tough naturally gathered around Han Jun-woo, and in less than a month, Han Jun-woo took the top spot in the East Wing group. That’s how Han Jun-woo was called the most famous male student in the East Wing.

The tightly closed door in front of me remained in place for a long time, and opened as soon as I tried to stroke my aching stomach with one hand. Han Jun-woo’s flushed skin was visible through the crack in the door. The red skin let go of the door, and the door, losing its support, closed again. Gradually, the door obscures Han Jun-woo. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and entered the room before the door closed. I was desperate.

When I entered the room, I saw Han Jun-woo sitting on the bed. Han Jun-woo was only wearing underwear that clung to his body, and he had a cigarette in his mouth, chewing on the end of it.

“Shit. Father is being a pain in the ass again. Answer the phone with my phone, and match the story. Say you were studying with me.”

Han Jun-woo said, clicking the lighter. He didn’t light the cigarette. The languor after the act was evident on his face. My stomach was still dry and sore. I stroked my stomach as if pushing it with my hand, approached Han Jun-woo, took out the cigarette full of chewing marks from his mouth, and snapped in a tone dripping with annoyance.

“Why should I?”

“We’re friends. We are.”

Yeah, friends. Friend-s. Han Jun-woo’s way of speaking, with a habit of elongating the end, makes me particularly sad. I felt like my heart was being torn to shreds. But I maintained a very brazen face.

“I’ll pay off all the debt no matter what, so keep that in mind.”

“Thanks.”

The room smelled of chestnut blossoms, and the unique, clear scent of a woman subtly stimulated my nose. In fact, it was all because of Han Jun-woo that I was able to identify the scent.

I heard from the guys from the same middle school that Han Jun-woo had been sleeping with women since around the third grade of middle school. Rumor has it that he scattered his first virginity with a classmate in the school bathroom, so that says it all.

Surprisingly, he looked about twenty years old at the time. Han Jun-woo had a mature appearance unlike a high school student. People who saw him for the first time only thought he was an adult. The bold features of his face created a deep atmosphere.

After entering high school, Han Jun-woo began to confidently roam around clubs whenever he felt bored down there. Since he had a lot of money, I don’t know where or how he made it, but he brought an ID card with a number starting with an adult and confidently showed it off as if it were his own, and it’s been quite a while since it became a hobby, if not a hobby, to grab a woman who looked good and have a one-night stand. The fact that he was able to maintain this dissolute life without being caught is probably largely thanks to his appearance.

If you were to consider each feature, eyes, nose, and mouth, you couldn’t exactly call them the best, but when you put all three together in one place, he became a truly subtle handsome man. The atmosphere was so delicate that it was impossible for a high school student to have it, so most people thought Han Jun-woo was about twenty-five years old when they saw him.

I shook my head, pretending to look for someone. Actually, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just that my stomach was churning so much that I felt like throwing up if I had to endure the heavy atmosphere that flowed after this relationship without saying anything.

“Where’s Go Yohan?”

“He went home.”

“……”

“No matter how I think about it, that bastard is really crazy. Funny bastard.”

Han Jun-woo laughed, resting his chin on his hand. I frowned.

Go Yohan is the second bastard I hate the most.

That bastard became friends with Han Jun-woo in the second grade. I hate to admit it, but since they hang out together, it would be right to classify them as friends. When Han Jun-woo was the most famous in the East Wing, the rumor that Go Yohan was in the West Wing was also famous.

But we didn’t have much to face. The only time we saw each other was when we occasionally passed by in the cafeteria on the first floor of the building between the West Wing and the East Wing.

When the guys next to me in the cafeteria nudged my shoulder with their elbows and said, “Hey, that’s Go Yohan,” I was a little curious and lifted my heels to peek. There was a noticeably tall and somewhat sharp-looking guy among the black heads. As soon as I saw him, I knew it was him.

“He looks like he has a bad personality.”

When I said that, one of Han Jun-woo’s cronies replied.

“Yeah, a little. He’s very self-centered.”

I just nodded roughly at the guy’s words, who was speaking mockingly.

I didn’t want to admit it, but I naturally knew why he was in a competitive relationship with Han Jun-woo. I hated that even more, but somehow I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

Splendid melancholy. That was the first impression I got when I saw Go Yohan.

Then, like a coincidence, our eyes met. It was strange even if Go Yohan felt my gaze. There were more than one or two eyes looking at that guy in the cafeteria full of black heads, but it was such a coincidence that he happened to meet me that I felt bad. There were thin pupils in his long eyes. Surprisingly, they were noticeably small. I opened my mouth with a reflex like flinching from a stone.

‘What are you looking at.’

Whether he saw my lip shape or not, Go Yohan frowned. To be honest, I was a little scared, so I turned my head, pretending to be nonchalant. And I said as if to be heard by the guy next to me.

“But he looks a bit like a snake.”

After that, Go Yohan and I often made eye contact, but we passed each other, pretending not to know each other. When our eyes met, Go Yohan often lowered his head to avoid eye contact, then raised his head again to make eye contact. Go Yohan did that nine out of ten times, and strangely, I, who was assimilated into that gaze, did that once out of ten times. The number was now uncountable, so I gave up counting from the eighteenth time.

Like a miracle, Han Jun-woo and I were in the same class in the second grade. While I was secretly excited about the continuing relationship with Han Jun-woo, I faced a familiar face. It’s really amazing and crazy. And at the same time, I saw the face of that famous reputation properly for the first time. Go Yohan.

Go Yohan was the first to speak.

“Hey. Want to eat together?”

Damn it.

And as everyone thought, the two became friends. Han Jun-woo was a man who knew his own worth, and Go Yohan, who was called a rival in secret, was very manly in Han Jun-woo’s standards, and he was a well-known guy among his peers. Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan’s friendship was bound to happen.

Among the classmates, the topic of who would win if Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan fought came up frequently. In my opinion, there was no reason for the two of them to fight at all. If Han Jun-woo and I were seemingly incompatible, Go Yohan and Han Jun-woo were a good match.

But there is one thing that is uniquely different about the two who are in similar positions.

Go Yohan strangely acts like a model student. Even though his ears are torn with holes.

For example, when Han Jun-woo got horny, he hugged the woman he liked at that moment and spent the night. When the kids asked about the myth of the night, he proudly described the sensual dawn. But Go Yohan lived by ridiculing the words of rutting males who wanted to touch breasts. Sometimes, he would grab and squeeze the chest of the plump guy next to him as if he liked breasts so much that they would burst. When the guy whose chest was grabbed writhed in pain and screamed, he would finally laugh and let go.

“Is this pig’s chest bigger than a woman’s? Touch his tits. Hey, and you look ugly. Wear a bra. You’re showing off your tits. Rude. Really.”

These vulgar words were also included.

Even so, when he was given a chance, he was different in that he said ambiguous things like dedicating his chastity to the future God. Han Jun-woo had never asked me, but he asked Go Yohan first if he should forge an ID card, but Go Yohan refused his request, saying he was doing useless things.

The guys who hung out together, including Han Jun-woo, found Go Yohan’s unique side interesting, but I didn’t like it very much. The reason was simple. Because he was friends with Han Jun-woo. And the two of them walked around as if they were best friends. That was the only reason. I just hated it. It was boiling jealousy.

Still, I got along with Go Yohan well enough. It was my strength not to show my emotions in any situation. Also, because Go Yohan and Han Jun-woo were friends. Yeah. The center of my relationship was all Han Jun-woo.

In fact, I spend more days in my life feeling frustrated with myself for thinking about Han Jun-woo, and feeling like a fool. But I was still like this.

While Han Jun-woo was throwing a few words at me, who was sitting on any chair, and going into the bathroom to wash, I spent time thinking about this and that. After a few minutes, Han Jun-woo’s phone rang. In the meantime, Han Jun-woo, who came out of the shower, picked up his phone on the bed and threw it at me, and I caught it. Then Han Jun-woo’s Father’s voice was heard from the other side.

I cleared my throat. As if there was anything more to show.

“Yes, this is Jun.”

-Jun-ah? Are you with Jun-woo right now?

“Ah, yes.”

-Really? I guess I was worried for nothing. I thought Jun-woo was out playing without coming to his senses. Yeah. Our Jun-i’s voice is very handsome.

“Thank you.”

-No. How are you doing?

“Thanks to you. How have you been, sir?”

-Well, but you speak very elegantly. I wish our Jun-woo would speak as beautifully as you. He has no manners. Yeah, you were studying with Jun-woo?

“Yes. I think Jun-woo forgot to contact you. He’s been busy because the exam is coming up soon.”

-So you’ve been studying together all the time?

“Yes. He’s been with me all the time.”

-Okay, then that’s a relief. I’m relieved if you’re with him.

“No.”

-No. You can’t do bad things with Jun.

“Really, no. Then I’ll make sure Jun-woo gets to school safely.”

-Okay. Then please take care of him. Keep being friends with my son. Don’t fight.

“Yes. Of course. Goodbye.”

Lies come out so easily.

If I throw the phone to Han Jun-woo after hanging up, Han Jun-woo says thank you briefly and puts on his clothes. I turned around and headed home right there. Han Jun-woo doesn’t say anything to stop me. Just “See you later.” That was all.

Of course. That’s all we were to each other. The situation where the gap between you and me is so clearly visible is so deep. And is that why I’m hurrying like this?

So the way back was different from before, and my throat hurt. I hurriedly got off the elevator, roughly checked the place name written on the license plate of one of the taxis lined up, and got on unconditionally. I reluctantly said the home address and pounded my chest hard to relieve the indigestion.

“Student, what’s wrong?”

The driver, who kept glancing at me in the rearview mirror, asked with a worried tone. At that, I repeatedly hit my chest, which felt like it was bruising, and barely said.

“No. It’s just that my indigestion isn’t getting better.”

“I have some digestive medicine, do you want it?”

“It’s okay. It’s useless. It’s still like this even after I took it.”

Then I slammed the back of my head against the seat.

Everything was messed up after I got sick. My whole life was ruined. Among men, the insult ‘gay bastard’ was so prevalent that gays were objects of fear and ridicule at the same time. Of course, I also agreed with such words.

Then, the moment I realized that I liked men in the first grade of high school, I felt like my whole life was falling off a cliff. I knew what it was like for all the words I had said to swallow me. But these things were nothing. I never thought I would miss these hellish days.

In the second grade, the more messed up situation made me even more difficult. The fact that I fell in love with Han Jun-woo, the fact that Han Jun-woo became friends with Go Yohan, the gap between me and Han Jun-woo, and the transfer student. The last one was the least liked.

A transfer student came at a very awkward time called the mid-term exam in the first semester of the second grade. Transfer student Han Tae-san.

He’s the bastard I hate the most.

Han Tae-san showed and hid his unusually black eyes and said please take care of me, and I just thought this was also one of the ordinary days. But from the time when early summer began, Han Jun-woo began to hate the transfer student.

The kids said in unison that Han Tae-san was pitiful. He was the type to grind his teeth at trivial things, and he was like a Hunting Dog who would drag a guy he didn’t like to the end of hell and tear his neck off. There were also words that he was a guy who enjoyed bullying.

Han Tae-san is short, unlike his name. Also, he wears his hair pressed down as if he doesn’t dry it properly after washing it. If Han Jun-woo looks like he’s in his mid-twenties, Han Tae-san looks like he’s in middle school. He wears a uniform that looks bigger than his original size in a neat and tidy manner. By the second month, the uniform was so tattered that it was in rags.

Then one day I realized.

The occasion was really the same as usual. The problem was Han Jun-woo’s unpleasant sex life. When Han Jun-woo called me to the hotel for an alibi, it started with the occasional encounters with women leaving the room late.

Before I fell in love with Han Jun-woo, I just found it annoying to receive requests and go out like this in the early morning. So I often refused a few times. I didn’t even remember the faces of the women I happened to meet. It was just uncomfortable. But one day, I suddenly realized that I was in love with Han Jun-woo, and after realizing it, I threw everything away and immediately jumped into the space with that pungent, unpleasant smell, and looked at women of various appearances, thinking that Han Jun-woo’s taste was like that, and spent the whole day in painful contemplation.

But more than that, what had been pushing my feelings into a dirty corner these days was the thought that the faces of the women I had met twice in a month resembled someone.

Unusually black eyes, a youthful impression. Just like Han Tae-san’s face. Yeah. Only I realized that something had changed at that time.

From that day on, I started to hate Han Tae-san. When I thought about that, my stomach ached as if it was tearing.

I grabbed my chest in the rolling taxi. Like a fool, my head fell to the floor. Like my feelings. I resent Han Jun-woo. Why does that woman look like Han Tae-san? Why does Han Jun-woo still continue to bully Han Tae-san?

Han Tae-san is a guy. An eighteen-year-old guy just like me. A guy with an even smaller build than me, who stutters these days when he speaks. But I’m better at studying than Han Tae-san, richer, and better looking. It’s obvious to anyone that I’m a better match for Han Jun-woo. Why? I would have understood it more if he liked Go Yohan instead. Even if it makes me want to puke.

“Hey, are you okay? Shouldn’t you go to the hospital?”

I clamped my mouth shut, as if to prevent a complaint from escaping.

After realizing that the girls coming out of the hotel resembled Han Tae-san, I hid my dislike for Han Tae-san and protected him. That was truly amazing for me. I hated meddling in other people’s affairs, but I had almost never stopped Han Jun-woo from doing anything. But it was an act for my own sake.

My change wasn’t because I was worried about Han Tae-san, but because I hated Han Jun-woo venting excessive anger at Han Tae-san. Selfish me, what’s important is that I’m miserable right now, not the emotions Han Jun-woo harbors. I had to scatter Han Jun-woo’s gaze towards Han Tae-san for even just a moment. Only that moment gave me breathing room.

I once stopped Han Jun-woo, who had found Han Tae-san secretly spending time somewhere, dragged him by the collar, made him lie face down in an empty classroom, and kicked him in the stomach.

“Why do you keep bothering him? Just stop it.”

Ugh. Next to me, holding onto Han Jun-woo, Han Tae-san whimpered and curled up like a pill bug. Han Jun-woo kicked Han Tae-san’s shoulder and said,

“He keeps getting on my nerves.”

“What did Han Tae-san even do to you?”

“Ah, goddamn it. He just annoys me!”

Han Jun-woo shouted, and I stiffened. Han Jun-woo glared at me, his face flushed. Go Yohan suddenly intervened in the tense atmosphere.

“Hey, yeah. Just stop it already. My heart aches so much, I can’t watch.”

“Why does your heart ache?”

Go Yohan, who was good at making weak noises unlike his appearance, drooped his eyebrows and made a pitiful expression, and Han Jun-woo’s arrow turned to Go Yohan instead of me. As Han Jun-woo’s eyes glanced past me, my breath, which had been blocked, was released on its own.

“Why do you ache? Is this bastard hurt?”

“This bastard doesn’t have any friends.”

Go Yohan looked at me as if seeking agreement, twirling his index finger near his temple. “He’s crazy. Moron.” At those words, Han Jun-woo couldn’t hold back his anger and rushed towards Go Yohan. Go Yohan showed his middle finger to Han Jun-woo, who was rushing at him, and laughed derisively.

The two tangled, and I bit my lower lip slightly as I watched Go Yohan running away one-sidedly and Han Jun-woo chasing after him. Then I approached the fallen Han Tae-san, grabbed his shoulder, and helped him up.

“Thank you…”

Han Tae-san, whose face was swollen from being beaten to death by Han Jun-woo, said this to me. And he tugged at my sleeve slightly. It was so unpleasant. It was to the extent that I stuffed the clothes Han Tae-san had grabbed into the trash can on the way home.

While chewing over the unpleasant days, the taxi arrived in front of my house. The driver was still worried about me, and seeing his expression, I opened the door and said to the taxi driver.

“I just had a chest pain. I’m sorry for making you worry.”

“You should definitely go to the hospital. Chronic indigestion is no joke.”

“Yes.”

I replied to his unnecessary meddling. But I didn’t go to the hospital. As soon as I arrived at school, I greeted Han Jun-woo with a very rational and confident face. Because I’m rational Kang Jun.

There’s no sight more ugly to show others than crying for love, dying for love. To the point of being contemptible.

I often see men and women showing ugly appearances while drunk on love and vow that I never want to be like that. I hate showing weaknesses to someone, and I hate that the person who will eventually know that weakness is Han Jun-woo.

So my face was always composed and brazen.

Han Jun-woo’s face, which had been up all night, looked exactly like a pufferfish, so I pretended to be annoyed and threw a cold cider can onto Han Jun-woo’s desk. Foolishly, I always handed Han Jun-woo a cold drink like this on days when he had his hobby. Ironically, it was all because Han Jun-woo’s face swelled easily.

“Don’t put up with that ridiculous look, get rid of the swelling.”

“Thanks.”

“Didn’t your Father scold you this morning?”

“Thanks to you.”

Han Jun-woo shrugged his shoulders and said proudly. I just smiled, pursing my lips at his actions. And next to Han Jun-woo’s seat, where I turned my head to sit down, a large newspaper was covering it. I stared blankly at the seat.

Han Jun-woo’s seatmate isn’t me, it’s Go Yohan. I was a hand shorter than Han Jun-woo, and Go Yohan was half a hand taller than Han Jun-woo, so Go Yohan sat next to Han Jun-woo. I often resented my short height and insisted on the second seat from the back for the small reason that Han Jun-woo was behind me. I wanted to sit at least in the seat right in front of him. That was my only comfort.

I hid even that jealousy completely and brazenly pointed at Go Yohan.

“When did he get here?”

“I don’t know. He was already like this when I got here.”

“Why is he like this when he’s supposed to be at home, sleeping soundly?”

As soon as I finished speaking, the newspaper came down with a rustling sound, and Go Yohan’s bleary eyes were visible. His slender eyes scanned me and Han Jun-woo, and then he yawned, opening his tired mouth wide.

“…I was just going to play the game a little more and then sleep.”

Whether it was true that yawning is contagious, Han Jun-woo also yawned in succession. Then he sneered with a frown.

“This bastard. He looks more unhealthy than me, but he acts healthier than An Jisu.”

“Oh, screw you.”

“Okay. Moron.”

Whether he knew that Han Jun-woo was teasing him, Go Yohan tilted his head back coolly and laughed loudly. I looked at Go Yohan, and our eyes met. Go Yohan turned his head to look out the window, then turned his gaze back to me. I looked at Go Yohan and turned my gaze to Han Jun-woo. It’s ticklish. I scratched the back of my shoulder.

The classroom in the early morning is moderately pleasant like this. If we’re talking like this, guys like Choi Dong-hwan or Park Dong-cheol will sneakily gather around and listen to Han Jun-woo’s heroic tales with admiring eyes, which is the usual order. The next thing is that when the Homeroom Teacher comes in while we’re chatting noisily, we slowly return to our seats and greet the morning assembly.

It can’t be denied that it’s a pretty wholesome morning for guys who are popular at school.

After all, being popular is just being eighteen. The stories of messy sexual relationships that bloom around the boys were extremely unpleasant to me. Especially if that person was Han Jun-woo. Still, I pretended to be quite amused and laughed it off.

I think this process is a pretty good morning. But this morning was all shattered a month and fifteen days ago. The cause is all Han Tae-san.

“Hey, Han Tae-san’s here.”

“Ugh. Puke.”

“Does that bastard even think about coming to school after getting beaten up like that?”

Choi Dong-hwan pointed at Han Tae-san openly and sneered as much as he could. Han Tae-san, caught at the end of Choi Dong-hwan’s finger, was covering his face with his bangs and hesitatingly entering the classroom. And as soon as he sat down in the seat right in front of the teacher’s desk and put his shabby bag on the desk, he hunched over. I sighed with annoyance as I looked at his back.

Han Tae-san is a really pathetic bastard. A thin voice, a frail, crippled bastard. As the whispers of the classmates began, Han Jun-woo stared intently at Han Tae-san’s back and muttered a curse under his breath. I hated that so much. I hated that sensitivity.

Han Jun-woo snatched the newspaper that Go Yohan had been covering his face with. Then he crumpled the newspaper into a fist and threw it at Han Tae-san’s head. Thud. With a light sound, Han Tae-san’s head fell onto the desk.

“Don’t bring your disgusting face around from the morning.”

Han Tae-san put his arms on the desk and hid his face. He clearly did as Han Jun-woo said. But Han Jun-woo kicked his desk while looking at that.

“Hey! Aren’t you going to answer?”

Han Jun-woo jumped up from his seat and shouted, and Han Tae-san, still lying face down, answered urgently in a trembling voice.

“Y-yes.”

“Lift your head up straight and talk while looking at me.”

Han Jun-woo, does that guy even know what he’s saying? A bitter laugh comes out at the absurd claim that doesn’t make sense.

Whether I do that or not, Han Jun-woo gets up from his seat and approaches Han Tae-san. The more his footsteps hit the floor, the more clearly the unpleasant emotions inside me are revealed.

Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san are getting closer. With just that, I was gradually losing control of suppressing my emotions.

This was by no means the same kind of jealousy as Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan being close. I realized it instinctively. Because I, too, harbored something very sinister, just like Han Jun-woo. So the more I watched Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan’s relationship, the more dull it became, but the more I watched Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san’s relationship, the more anxious I became. My hands were shaking. I clenched both hands tightly to hide my trembling hands.

Han Jun-woo kicked Han Tae-san’s desk hard, and as the desk shook greatly as if it would tilt, Han Tae-san straightened his back and got up as if he had fainted. Then he said in a still unstable voice.

“S-sorry.”

Then Han Jun-woo stares down at Han Tae-san’s face silently. Han Tae-san, his eyes filled with tears as if he were about to cry. But the one who feels like he’s about to burst into tears right now is me.

Han Jun-woo didn’t make Han Tae-san do trivial errands, but he always stared at Han Tae-san’s tail. If Han Tae-san went to the bathroom during break time, he didn’t miss Han Tae-san’s back even while talking to us. The reason I know that is because I was the one who watched Han Jun-woo without missing him.

To be honest, if I were to say Han Tae-san’s first impression, his skin wasn’t very clean, but perhaps because of his youthful impression, he had a face that was easy to look at for a long time, and above all, his smiling face seemed genuinely happy, and even his expressionless face was bright.

Until Han Jun-woo started bullying Han Tae-san, there wasn’t anyone who particularly hated Han Tae-san, he seemed like a child who had grown up receiving warm love. He was closer to a personality who liked to be alone rather than being sociable, but his expression didn’t show any worries or displeasure.

Most people said Han Tae-san was a decent guy. He received even better reviews because he wasn’t the type to show off or reveal that he had grown up being loved. For example, Han Tae-san was humble, quiet, bright, and a likable guy for no reason.

Unlike that atmosphere, I didn’t like Han Tae-san very much from the beginning. It wasn’t that I hated him, but I wasn’t very interested in him. It would be more accurate to say that I didn’t care about him at first. But sometimes when I was talking with my friends, Han Jun-woo, or Go Yohan’s group, Han Tae-san’s story would pop out, and in those cases, I would just pretend to be nice and say, “Oh, him? He’s decent. He’s nice.”

Han Jun-woo, like me, didn’t pay much attention to Han Tae-san at first. He’s the type who’s not interested in school matters anyway. After Han Tae-san transferred in May, Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san didn’t exchange a single word until June. That’s what their relationship was like originally.

But one day, a slightly twisted thorn was erected in the ordinary daily life. It happened right after lunch, and when I think about it now, I’ve never regretted what I did as much as I did then.

Han Tae-san was the type who liked to sit in the corner and read books every break time. And I have a habit of treating people with good reputations appropriately nicely.

Because of that, when I accidentally ran into Han Tae-san, I spoke to him first about the book he was reading. In my case, I’m closer to the type who likes to pretend to be cultured rather than actually reading books.

“You seem to like books a lot.”

“Oh? Oh, yeah.”

Up until this point, I and Han Tae-san were awkward with each other. Maybe that’s why it was easier to approach him.

“Have you read that book all the way through?”

“Oh, that’s… I’m almost at the end now.”

“Then just put it down. You’ll be disappointed if you read the ending. The ending ruined the whole book.”

“Have you read this?”

“Yeah, a long time ago.”

For the sake of my intellectual vanity, after reading a book, I would always look for criticisms or reviews to use when talking about it later. As I dredged up those memories and made a criticism that wasn’t a criticism, Tae-san smiled with a pretty happy expression. I was embarrassed.

“I’ve never seen anyone else read this book except for me.”

“Oh… really?”

“But I’m still going to read it to the end. It’s fun to think about why they made the ending like that.”

“Well, yeah. People’s evaluations can be different.”

“Hearing you say that makes me look forward to it even more.”

That smile still remains as an unpleasant memory. Did I feel an instinctive anxiety there?

After that, Han Tae-san often came to find me. I inwardly thought, ‘Why me of all people?’ while feeling annoyed, but since Han Tae-san, who had a good reputation, wasn’t bad to keep close, I gladly accepted his annoying visits.

After all, among peers, books other than textbooks or workbooks were something that shouldn’t be read due to time constraints, and even if there was time, they would only become like pillows, so Han Tae-san wouldn’t have anyone to share those stories with except for me.

That day was one of those days, and it was one of the days that was particularly unlucky out of those many days.

Go Yohan is the enemy. Why did I do that that day? Why did I, who am not interested in other people’s affairs, meddle that day? Why did Go Yohan spread out the Korean Language mock exam paper so that everyone passing by could see it?

I, who hate having my grades revealed to others, thought that Go Yohan would probably feel the same way, so I turned over the exam paper that was spread out on his desk. The problem was that I ended up seeing Go Yohan’s score while doing so. 81 points. I doubted my eyes and checked again. It was definitely 81 points. The grade cut for this Korean Language mock exam was high, so this would barely be a 4th grade, but still, it’s towards the front of the 4th grade.

It was the moment when my stereotype was broken for the first time, and it was a shock to me in its own way. I thought that Go Yohan wasn’t as hopeless as I thought, and naturally, Han Jun-woo’s grades came to mind. That guy is the real trash. He’s the type who picks number 2 from beginning to end and sleeps face down until the end of the exam, so he’s never gotten a decent grade even once.

Was that why, I felt like I had seen recyclable trash in the trash, and the fact that the guy I had once hated so terribly was actually a species that could be rehabilitated rather than the guy I liked made me feel strange, and in a vague mood, I ended up doing something I would never do normally.

It wasn’t a big deal. I just wrote a short note on the top of the exam paper with a pen that was rolling around next to me.

I felt awkward about the arrogance of looking at his score without permission and evaluating it arbitrarily, so I wrote it in detail.

I don’t know why I wrote it even though I felt that way. I guess I was just crazy then. Whatever, if things are going to go wrong, the first button has to be buttoned wrong. This was the first button for me.

If I hadn’t written the note and come out, I wouldn’t have met Han Tae-san walking down the hallway with a book. I should have just passed by. I meddled again like an idiot. What that was, I recognized the book Han Tae-san was holding and acted like I knew it.

“That one’s pretty fun.”

At those words, Han Tae-san’s eyes sparkled as if he had been waiting for it, and he replied.

“You’ve already read this one too?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow…”

“It’s shorter than you think, so you’ll read it quickly.”

I must have wanted to act like I knew something. Showing off. I’m originally that kind of guy.

“If I finish reading this, can I come find you? Actually, I’ve almost finished reading it. I just need to read a little bit of the end, but I want to talk about it together.”

“I don’t really mind. Anytime.”

Why did I say that? It’s the biggest mistake. It was also a mistake to leave Han Tae-san, who was sparkling with a happy expression at the exciting time that was coming soon, and go find Han Jun-woo.

Han Jun-woo likes debauchery. He also likes rebellion and hedonism. Han Jun-woo just liked everything his parents hated. Whether that was rebellion against his parents, or whether Han Jun-woo himself originally liked those things, I, who have only been his friend for a year and a half, don’t know. However, Han Jun-woo actively engaged in more debauched behavior than other kids his age, to the point where everyone could say that such circumstances were plausible.

Han Jun-woo naturally smoked.

He smoked about half a pack a day, so he would come back from smoking almost every three hours. That time was usually right after the first period and right after lunch. After the first period, I would fidget. As soon as the bell rang, I would always turn around and ask.

“Han Jun-woo, are you going to smoke again?”

“Yeah, I’m shaking like crazy.”

“Then let me come with you.”

“Why are you following me again when you don’t even smoke?”

“Cigarettes are better than the rotten sweat smell in the classroom. Seriously, it makes me want to throw up here.”

“You’re so sensitive.”

“Are we going to the incinerator?”

“Yeah, follow me if you want.”

“Wait a minute.”

But Han Jun-woo hardly ever waits for me. He just grabs a lighter and leaves before I can even grab my coat. In fact, I don’t really like the smell of cigarettes. Rather, I hated it so much that I would gag as soon as I smelled it.

Now I could endure it enough to watch Han Jun-woo pucker and open his mouth next to him. I like the languid look Han Jun-woo shows, and next, I like his soft nose. I endure the pain to have this time. It was because it was a time when I could openly look at Han Jun-woo.

While I was looking at Han Jun-woo’s face like that, Han Tae-san came.

“Kang Jun-ah!”

What is this again?

I felt like I was forcibly pulled out of a precious time. A little embarrassed, I raised my head and asked.

“What brings you here…?”

“I finished reading this.”

His face, carrying a book and wandering around, had a bright expression as if to prove that he had been looking for me. It was that face that everyone liked. And Han Tae-san, who was about to talk to me, suddenly looked at Han Jun-woo and said this.

“Students shouldn’t smoke. Especially next to their friends.”

In Han Tae-san’s unique, kind tone that didn’t blame or curse anyone.

“Your friend probably doesn’t like this.”

Han Jun-woo frowned at those words and threw the cigarette he was holding between his fingers at Han Tae-san’s feet.

“Who are you?”

“Still, you’re cool.”

“……”

Han Tae-san smiled brightly, and Han Jun-woo just looked at Han Tae-san and moved his fingers. Heat haze was rising from the floor, and I was briefly mesmerized by that strange heat haze.

If I had to guess, Han Jun-woo probably discovered the existence of Han Tae-san at that time. The guy who had been quietly hiding in the corner of the rotten classroom. Because Han Jun-woo started looking at the back of Han Tae-san’s head from then on, yes, I think my guess is right.

However, Han Tae-san, who was originally quiet and not active in relationships, had no interest in Han Jun-woo at all, and didn’t even think about becoming friends. It’s clear that Han Tae-san’s attitude further scratched Han Jun-woo’s pride.

About two weeks later, the proof is that Han Jun-woo tripped Han Tae-san, who was walking for the first time, in the middle of the classroom.

“Ah, ouch…!”

Han Tae-san frowned as he fell, and even though he tripped over his own foot, he smiled apologetically, dusted off his pants, and got up.

I was suddenly embarrassed by the act of tripping Han Tae-san. Why, suddenly? Frozen, I just stood there and watched the situation unfold. Han Jun-woo didn’t care about my embarrassment and slowly said, sweeping back his light hair.

I still remember those words clearly.

“Damn it. Watch where you’re going. It’s because you don’t look properly and don’t even know what’s in front of you.”

Now that I think about those words again, they sound like a whine that he was angry because I didn’t look at him, so I often scoff at Han Jun-woo’s childishness.

In contrast, I have a high level of self-control. It’s because I’ve lived a life thoroughly controlled by my parents. My personality was also like that. I hated showing weakness to others more than death. So, even when a situation arose that caused a big emotional upheaval, I was able to endure it quite resiliently.

Because of this, I was often criticized for being a boring guy who doesn’t get angry easily, but that’s not because I don’t get angry, but because all the emotional upheavals I’ve endured so far have become as hard as scabs, and I’ve become a personality that isn’t stimulated by ordinary things.

That’s the same for everything related to Han Jun-woo.

That’s why I could exist as Han Jun-woo’s friend. I was a pretty good kid that my parents didn’t have to worry about, and I was in a pretty good position in school. And I wanted to protect that position that I had desperately created.

“Hey, Go Yohan.”

“Oya.”

“Why are you talking like that? It’s so disgusting.”

“Oh, like your face?”

“Bullshit.”

It’s only hurtful if you tell a really ugly guy that he’s ugly. Han Jun-woo just laughed off Go Yohan’s playful provocation.

“Go Yohan, don’t you know anyone? You have a lot of people around you.”

“What kind of person?”

“A decent person.”

“What’s a decent person?”

“You know. Shit. Don’t change the subject.”

This time, Go Yohan fiddled with a rubber ball and chuckled. But he didn’t say anything more. Han Jun-woo didn’t seem to desperately want Go Yohan’s answer either. Because his gaze was fixed on the shabby back of someone’s head.

“…I think it would be nice if she had chubby cheeks and was a little cute.”

Han Jun-woo was impulsive, barbaric, violent, and unable to think deeply. He’s been living under sexual desire since puberty, so I don’t need to prove it myself. Therefore, Han Jun-woo’s foolish bullying, who doesn’t know how to hide, became more and more blatant.

Thus, only today, in August after the vacation ended, Han Tae-san became completely alone. But unfortunately, Han Jun-woo wasn’t satisfied with that level.

Even if they’re at a similar level, their behavior patterns are different. Choi Dong-hwan, Hong Hwi-jun, and Park Dong-cheol, who hang out with Han Jun-woo, tend to wait for Han Jun-woo for a few minutes after the bell rings, while Kim Min-ho, Lee Seok-hyun, and Kim Seok-min, who came from the West Wing like Go Yohan, tend to run out as soon as the bell rings for lunch.

In the first year, I was also in Han Jun-woo’s group, but in the second year, everything went wrong. It was because that bastard Hong Hwi-jun said, “Kang Jun eats with Go Yohan, right? You eat so slow,” and excluded me against my will.

The most humiliating thing is that Han Jun-woo had no interest in my conversation with Hong Hwi-jun. It didn’t matter if I went or not. Damn it. I glanced at Han Jun-woo and asked.

“Do I really eat that slow?”

“Shit, of course. You always close your mouth tightly and chew, don’t you know that it’s polite to finish lunch in 5 minutes?”

“Yeah, we’re always late for soccer because of you.”

“……Ah.”

“We’re going to play soccer with the guys from the next class today, so you eat with Go Yohan.”

“……”

Honestly, I was too proud to ask to be included, and I also thought that the indigestion I had throughout the first year might have been due to such hasty eating habits, and finally, I thought it was disgusting even for me to be stuck next to Han Jun-woo like a goldfish poop, so I didn’t beg or argue.

In the end, I was kicked out of the group like that. My will was not important.

While I was trying to act as nonchalant as possible, I made eye contact with Go Yohan, who was left alone with me. Go Yohan, who was lying on the desk and bouncing a rubber ball, stared at me quietly and asked.

“What time do you eat?”

“……”

“Well, I usually eat in about 10 minutes.”

“I’m comfortable eating around that time too.”

In fact, I’ve never eaten around that time even once. It was a word I said because the survival instinct that I had to stay in Go Yohan’s group suddenly awakened. The first time I ate with Go Yohan alone, I left half of my lunch under the pretext that I had no appetite. At that time, Go Yohan frowned and said.

“Are you eighteen and complaining about the side dishes?”

“What’s it to you?”

“You’re still like a kid.”

“Even adults don’t eat fish cutlets with tartar sauce.”

I made an excuse crookedly. At the same time, I felt wronged and glared at him. What’s it to you? Annoying.

In the first year, most of the time it was me and Han Jun-woo together, but in the second year, the chances of Han Jun-woo and I being in the same space decreased significantly. It’s all because of Go Yohan. But I have no right to say anything. Because I’m lower in the hierarchy than Go Yohan.

Go Yohan and Han Jun-woo have quite a few overlapping friends, most of whom are delinquent students who play in the bottom of the grade. They are the type of people who make fake absence certificates and run away, or skip classes of complacent teachers who don’t double-check even if students say they went to the infirmary.

Han Jun-woo had to stay until the end of most classes because of his parents’ eyes, but I was curious about Go Yohan, who was called the twin of Han Jun-woo, staying in his seat. So, I asked him casually one day, and Go Yohan frowned and said this.

“I’m disappointed, do you see me as such a pathetic bastard?”

“No, all your friends are like that.”

“Friends? What nonsense are you talking about? Those bastards are not my friends. They’re trash.”

“Huh?”

“A student’s duty is to attend classes at school, right?”

“……That’s right.”

“Don’t associate me with those trash. It makes me feel like shit.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“I didn’t say that to make you apologize.”

Of course, it was a natural thing for me to say, but I was dumbfounded that Go Yohan said it. Because the guys who were close to the guy who said that were absent about once a week.

Anyway, I spent most of my second year with Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan. I thought this was our own sanctuary that no one could invade. It would have been even more perfect if it weren’t for Go Yohan, but I got along with Go Yohan better than expected, so I wasn’t so unpleasant or in a bad mood that I would immediately kick myself out of the seat. I just hated it and hated it again.

But Han Tae-san makes even these days the worst.

Today was a little different from usual.

“Ah, I feel like shit. Hong Hwi-jun, Choi Dong-hwan, seriously.”

Around the end of the fourth period, Han Jun-woo swore, holding his head. As soon as I heard Han Jun-woo’s voice, I turned around and asked in a slightly excited tone.

“Did they skip again?”

“Those bastards.”

“That’s too bad. Then who are you going to eat with?”

I felt a slight sense of anticipation. The hand holding the back of the chair trembled slightly. Han Jun-woo sighed deeply and looked at Go Yohan, who was sitting next to him, and said.

“Hey, I’m eating with you guys today.”

“I don’t want to? Don’t join us without permission.”

“Keep talking back if you want to die.”

“I want to punch Han Jun-woo in the mouth today.”

“Then you’ll die.”

“You’re just a loser who eats alone, but you talk a lot.”

“Okay, let’s eat together, Jun-woo.”

I suddenly joined the conversation. That’s how desperate I was.

“We can’t let Jun-woo eat alone.”

Han Jun-woo’s victory was heard in my desperation. Finally, Han Jun-woo smugly raised the corners of his mouth slightly towards Go Yohan.

“Damn it, I have good friends.”

“……”

“How is it, Kang Jun is useful, right?”

At those words, Go Yohan frowned and pushed Han Jun-woo’s pencil case with his hand as if throwing it. The pencil case fell with a loud noise. Well, whether Go Yohan likes it or not, it’s none of my business.

It’s important that Han Jun-woo finally joined me and Go Yohan’s uncomfortable meal. It was really rare, and I was so happy that I willingly put side dishes that I didn’t even like in my mouth.

But Han Jun-woo was just scanning the cafeteria inside, looking for prey without saying a word. I was watching Han Jun-woo and putting food in my mouth without eating properly, so I didn’t even know that Go Yohan was taking my side dishes. At that moment, Han Jun-woo’s spoon went down, and his remaining hand grabbed the arm of a child who was passing by. When I looked up, it was Han Tae-san.

“Why don’t you sit here?”

Han Jun-woo pointed to the empty seat next to him with his chin.

“Anyway, you don’t have any friends to eat with, right?”

Han Tae-san suddenly blushed. He rolled his eyes for a while, looking at me, bit his lip tightly, and slowly sat down in the seat Han Jun-woo pointed to. I was speechless. It’s absurd. Since when did he care about whether Han Tae-san had friends or not? And it’s all Han Jun-woo’s fault that Han Tae-san doesn’t have friends. Because Han Jun-woo extremely hated anyone going next to Han Tae-san.

Something sour is rising up my throat again.

Without realizing it, I put the spoon on the tray with a loud noise as if throwing it. But even though I made such a loud noise, the only one who looked at me was Han Tae-san, who was trembling at the sound I made. Han Jun-woo is still looking at Han Tae-san.

Damn it. At that moment, I felt the scabs that I had hardened so far were gradually falling off, and I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t bear it. Maybe my limits that I don’t know are gradually approaching. But I desperately denied reality and said irritably to Han Tae-san.

“Han Tae-san. You can just go.”

“Uh, huh?”

“Don’t listen to Han Jun-woo and just go. It’s okay.”

“Hey, Kang Jun.”

I heard a voice calling me, clenching his teeth, even though I had made a loud noise on purpose to tell Han Tae-san that. I looked at Han Jun-woo as if I was resilient, but at that moment, I felt like the sorrow would burst out of control. I looked at the ceiling once to hold back my emotions, and then lowered my head forward again and said calmly.

“I’ll do what I want, so you can go.”

“Uh, uh-huh.”

“And Han Jun-woo. Stop it.”

“That’s right. I think so too.”

Go Yohan, who had food in his mouth, suddenly said in inaccurate pronunciation. It’s a sudden interference. Go Yohan chewed and swallowed the food. Very slowly. Then, he looked at me and Han Jun-woo alternately and opened his mouth.

“Why are you glaring? It’s ruining my appetite.”

Go Yohan is always picking fights for no reason. A crazy bastard. I never like him no matter how many times I see him. I turned my head silently with the same reaction as usual and looked at Han Jun-woo.

“Stop bullying Han Tae-san.”

“Shit, what’s it to you?”

“It’s annoying to watch.”

I glared at Han Jun-woo without blinking an eye, and Han Jun-woo slammed the table with his fist. Because of that, Han Tae-san, who was sitting in an awkward posture, closed his eyes tightly and stiffened his body, and finally Go Yohan smiled weakly and raised one hand.

“I’m not going to get involved.”

And after licking the water on his lips, he continued.

“Let’s do it by majority vote. I’m neutral, Jun-i said to go, and Jun-woo said to stay.”

I’m saying this now, but Go Yohan is one of the few people who call me Jun-i. I resent that. That feeling sometimes comes out as a habit. Just like now.

“Stop interfering. The numbers don’t match. Then.”

“Why don’t the numbers match? There’s one more person over there.”

Go Yohan didn’t care and raised one corner of his mouth tightly. He put one hand in his pocket and pointed at Han Tae-san with the other, beckoning.

“Why. Isn’t Han Tae-san a person too?”

“Crazy.”

“Why are you silent, I’m telling you to say what you want to do?”

I’m sure he’ll say it well in this atmosphere. I sighed at Go Yohan’s thoughtless actions and picked up the spoon again and stirred the rice. At that time, Han Jun-woo tapped the table with one finger.

“If you say you’re going, you’re dead from today.”

Water starts to well up in Han Tae-san’s big eyes. His big eyes were tearful and looked at me with a face as if begging for salvation. Damn it. I pouted my lips.

“It’s okay. I’ll stop him.”

“Hey, Kang Jun.”

I heard a voice calling me, clenching his teeth tightly. I looked at Han Jun-woo as if I was resilient, but at that moment, I felt like the sorrow would lose control and burst out. I looked at the ceiling once to hold back my emotions, and then lowered my head forward again and said calmly.

“What?”

“You……”

Han Jun-woo clenched his fist. He’s glaring at me. I felt the pain of being burned to death in that gaze. But I had to endure it. Because my instinct was telling me not to put Han Tae-san next to Han Jun-woo. But Han Jun-woo’s gaze reached Han Tae-san again.

“I, I’ll go.”

“……”

“Thank, thank you, Kang Jun-ah.”

As soon as Han Tae-san said that and hurriedly left the seat, Han Jun-woo turned his body sharply. His gaze is always directed at Han Tae-san. Shit. I swore without realizing it.

Han Jun-woo slammed his spoon and chopsticks on the floor, pushed his tray hard towards me, and stood up. Then, he looked down at me silently. My mind was desperately trying not to betray any agitation. I tried to look as nonchalant as possible, scooping up the soup with my spoon and drinking it. As the spoon touched my lips, I felt my arm tremble slightly.

“Stop meddling, Kang Jun.”

“……”

“Don’t keep pissing me off.”

“……”

Han Jun-woo’s body was vaguely visible outside my fixed gaze on the tray. Go Yohan’s long arm blocked the violent gaze directed at me. It didn’t seem like he had any grand intentions. He probably just wanted the side dishes that Han Jun-woo hadn’t touched. See, he’s raising one corner of his mouth and smiling again.

“Hey, Han Jun-woo. Should I eat all your food?”

“Fuck. Eat it all, you son of a bitch.”

“Okay.”

Go Yohan smiled gently even at Han Jun-woo’s harsh words. Han Jun-woo, displeased by that action, kicked the table and left the cafeteria. I sat there steadfastly. What was it about that pride? No, no. This was the driving force that had allowed me to endure until now. I protected that precious pride and continued to eat lunch as usual. But my head was full of only Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san.

I raised my head and looked in the direction where Han Tae-san was sitting. Disgustingly, Han Tae-san was looking at me. When our eyes met, Han Tae-san nodded towards me. Seeing Han Tae-san lower his head, I slammed my head into the tray.

I said I would protect him, but in reality, I don’t care what happens to Han Tae-san. I was just filled with a painful curiosity about what Han Jun-woo felt about Han Tae-san and what he would do.

I even felt like getting up and following Han Jun-woo right now. I tapped the tip of my slipper on the floor. I glanced around habitually. There were many eyes watching.

Then, ‘Oops.’ Han Jun-woo is noticeable, so there must be students watching here. If I act conspicuously, I’ll only arouse unnecessary suspicion. I bit my lip.

I don’t want that terrible and frightening word, ‘gay,’ to taint my life with a murky color. My heart is pounding, but my body remains still. My mouth felt rough, and I couldn’t taste anything, but I still moved my hand and ate again. My eyes started to feel hot. My throat felt tight.

I don’t want to reveal my unnecessary emotional throbbing. I felt like I had to do something, so I kept swallowing whatever I could grab without stopping. As I was eating so mindlessly, someone lightly tapped my shoulder.

I turned my head and Go Yohan put his palm to his mouth and said in a very small voice.

“Jun-ah.”

“……What.”

“Actually, I took five of your sausages earlier, right? But Han Jun-woo gave me sausages, so I’ll give you three back.”

As if he was doing me a favor. I was so dumbfounded by his tone that I let out a puff of air.

“What?”

“I’m nice, right? I’ll definitely go to heaven. Right?”

Whatever.

I couldn’t stand this situation anymore, which was disgusting and annoying, so I got up. I just threw a thoughtless remark to Go Yohan to come out after eating. I threw away all the leftover food and poured cold water on my face at the tap in front of the cafeteria. As I wiped my face with the back of my hand, I ran into Go Yohan, who was walking slowly, having finished his meal quickly.

“How could you abandon me? Are you even human?”

“I’m just a little hot.”

“What. Why did you wash your face so violently?”

“……I don’t know.”

“Ugh. You’re soaking wet.”

Go Yohan twisted his lips.

“Oh, right. If you’re wet, you have to wash it, right?”

“Ha!”

I scoffed at his vulgar joke. Then, I met eyes with Han Tae-san, who seemed to have followed me out in a hurry. Surely, he didn’t come out just because I came out, right? I shuddered at the sinister unpleasantness seeping up from the soles of my feet. I hurriedly pretended to reciprocate Go Yohan’s teasing, ignoring Han Tae-san’s gaze.

“Stop saying such dirty things.”

“Is sucking dirty? Jun-i, you have a lewd side.”

“You intentionally said it that way.”

“When did I? That’s just your imagination.”

Go Yohan smiled, narrowing his eyes, which was a rare sight. He must find it funny that I’m flustered and rambling. He’s still an annoying bastard.

“Anyway, these nerds always have dirty thoughts behind their backs.”

“That’s not true!”

But life is an unexpected path, right? Often, while I was stopping Han Jun-woo from bullying Han Tae-san, something unexpected happened.

It was dismissal time.

“Jun-ah. U-um, you know. Could you tell me what Teacher told us…….”

“What?”

“Jun-woo suddenly asked me to run an errand, so I went out……. I didn’t hear it.”

“…….”

Strangely, I had become Han Tae-san’s refuge. Well, he doesn’t have any friends, so it’s natural that he would ask me, who is the nicest to him.

“The performance assessment is due next week.”

“Really? Wow, I hate that.”

I wasn’t talking to you. Go Yohan, who couldn’t possibly not know that, answered with a grin as if I had said it to him. I glared at Go Yohan with an annoyed look, then looked back at Han Tae-san.

“Thank you. Jun-ah.”

“……It’s nothing.”

And the second most annoying thing. Han Tae-san had also started calling me Jun-i at some point.

“Jun-ah. Thank you so much.”

I frowned slightly.

I just didn’t want you to use this as an excuse to talk to Han Jun-woo. You sly bastard. Han Jun-woo is a bad guy too. He must have deliberately asked him to run an errand at that time. He must have been subtly hoping that Han Tae-san would talk to him. But the stupid Han Tae-san asked me.

I know. I know everything. Because I was the one who had been watching Han Jun-woo closely for over a year. Not Han Tae-san, but me.

I despise Han Tae-san.

In return for helping Han Tae-san, I was thoroughly ignored. In fact, I tried to greet Han Jun-woo as if nothing was wrong, but he just gave me a cold glare and that was it. After that, I became stubborn and didn’t even greet him. It was the first time.

Yeah, it’s a relationship that will be severed anyway if I let go. That’s what high school friends are like. This moment, when I clearly see the truth that I had tried to cover up, was so terrible for me.

After that, an awkward week passed. Han Jun-woo spent time with his group, and I pretended that I didn’t care about him and spent time with Go Yohan and some close friends.

The most regrettable thing in this situation was that I couldn’t hear Han Jun-woo’s stories because I was away from Han Jun-woo’s group. At least, I could hear stories from Go Yohan’s group. So, when I wanted to hear about Han Jun-woo, I sometimes went to Go Yohan. It’s funny how I’m so curious, but I don’t want to bend my pride.

When I casually asked Go Yohan about Han Jun-woo, Go Yohan would tap Kim Seok-min’s game console with both hands and say casually. “Ah, him? He left.” Then I lose my words.

“……That crazy bastard.”

I understand why Han Jun-woo’s emotions are so violent. Han Jun-woo is a very, very animalistic and emotional person who has a hard time suppressing his desires.

“Did he go to a club again?”

“No, this time it’s a blind date.”

Go Yohan twisted his body this way and that, as if the game was difficult.

“Jin-hyun introduced him? You know, that kid who kept begging him to introduce her to Han Jun-woo. But Han Jun-woo is a complete beast. Seeing him take her away right away. Hey. Hey. Hey. No. But Han Jun-woo is like that, but the girl he was introduced to is no match for him. She readily agreed without hesitation. Yeah, great! That’s exactly what she said.”

“…….”

“Wow, they’re both so cool.”

It’s definitely not admiration or praise. It was full of belittlement. Thanks to that tone, I feel good for the first time. I slyly sat on Go Yohan’s desk, tapped the shoulder of the guy sitting in the chair, and gently massaged it. Go Yohan, who looked up at me, slowly backed away and made room for me to sit on the desk.

It’s a sign of gratitude in its own way. Go Yohan was the only one who openly criticized Han Jun-woo’s dirty sex life, which everyone wanted. I like that one thing.

“He’s really dirty and cool.”

“Right? I’m not cool at all.”

It’s funny how he says it as if he’s bragging.

“Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be? You’re a student.”

“Where is it written that that’s how it’s supposed to be? You learn and acquire everything. Huh? That’s what human reason is.”

Go Yohan sneered without taking his eyes off the game console.

“So, are you still single?”

This time, when I teased him, Go Yohan finally turned off the screen. Then, he turned his head and laughed as if he was dumbfounded, and tapped the hand on his shoulder.

“I’m going to sue you for sexual harassment.”

“What sexual harassment is this?”

“If the person being harassed feels bad, it’s sexual harassment.”

“Go Yohan is seriously crazy.”

“Pervert.”

I dropped my indoor shoes while sitting on the desk, and they plummeted to the floor. I didn’t care at all and pushed Go Yohan’s legs with my socked feet. But Go Yohan pretended to be pushed back, then suddenly raised his middle finger at me. Because his hand went up, Go Yohan’s wrist was naturally visible. Go Yohan always has a Rosary on his left wrist. I lightly kicked Go Yohan’s leg.

“It’s not even appropriate for you to have a Rosary.”

“Why?”

Go Yohan lowered his hand and asked seriously. Why is he suddenly acting serious in this situation?

“It doesn’t suit you.”

“It doesn’t suit me? That’s weird. Don’t I look like a devout Catholic?”

“No? You just seem to be carrying it around for show.”

“……That’s not true.”

Looking back, I should have known from the time his name was Yohan. I didn’t know that that Yohan was that ‘Yohan.’ I thought he was Go Yohan, who was told to shut up and live.

Surprisingly, Go Yohan’s family has been Catholic for generations. Even more surprising was that Go Yohan said with his own mouth that he was also Catholic. He’s a very devout believer. But I can’t believe that. Go Yohan didn’t even know how to recite a prayer properly.

I spent a week without Han Jun-woo by my side, and then three more days of glancing at him slightly when we met in the classroom and then turning my head away.

I still don’t have the courage to talk to Han Jun-woo. Maybe I just don’t want to lose. It’s funny how I’m subtly concerned about the pathetic saying that the person who likes the other more loses. Still, even if it’s funny, even if I know I’m funny, I can never talk to him.

On the other hand, Han Tae-san often talked to me. I was the only one who answered his words. Seeing that Han Tae-san’s face had one more bruise every day, it was clear that Han Jun-woo was still hitting Han Tae-san where I couldn’t see. Like a beast leaving a mark.

When I frowned, Han Tae-san, noticing my gaze, turned his head to hide the wound.

After that, another four days passed. In the empty morning classroom, I sat at my desk and covered my face with both hands. I didn’t want to face the terrible play that was happening in this classroom.

The difference between me and Han Jun-woo is becoming more and more obvious. It had been a long time since the slightly widening gap had turned into an abyss of despair. When I open my eyes, it feels like that gap will devour me and kill me at any moment. Han Tae-san’s bluish-purple eyelids were as clear as a seal stamped on a document. That’s why I didn’t want to see Han Jun-woo or Han Tae-san even more. I wanted to avoid all situations.

And fortunately, I’m really lucky. Now Han Tae-san has started not coming to school. Homeroom Teacher said it was an absence, but the words hidden in that awkward answer were ‘unauthorized absence.’ I almost shouted for joy without realizing it.

In contrast, Han Jun-woo was constantly touching his cell phone during class, getting annoyed, or even punching one of the snarky guys in his group.

I felt a sense of satisfaction. At the same time, I also felt a strange sense of superiority. Also, I was sure that if Han Tae-san, who was being bullied, eventually couldn’t overcome it and transferred schools or didn’t come out, Han Jun-woo, who gets bored easily, would soon forget everything and talk to me, who was still by his side. And I decided to calmly wait for that moment to come soon.

After a few more days like that.

“Han Jun-woo is so depressed.”

I listened to Go Yohan’s words that I heard casually. My heart shook greatly. I wanted to turn my head and look at Han Jun-woo’s face right away, but it was impossible for me, who is so afraid of love. I was just listening to Go Yohan talk about Han Jun-woo’s condition and imagining it.

But the situation didn’t change until half the day had passed and all the classes were over. I believed there would be tomorrow. Yeah, the situation doesn’t change that quickly. Waiting and waiting, I was putting on my bag after class when Go Yohan suddenly said something strange.

“You fought with Han Jun-woo, right?”

I turned around reflexively at those words.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t tell me you haven’t made up since that cafeteria incident?”

“…….”

“It’s lasting longer than I thought.”

Go Yohan shrugged with his hands in both pockets, and I avoided his eyes and made excuses.

“Honestly, Han Jun-woo went too far. I don’t like seeing people being bullied like that. It’s a little weird.”

“What is?”

“……That, Han Tae-san is a guy.”

“So?”

“What Han Jun-woo is doing to Han Tae-san is a little…… he’s the same guy, it’s weird. It’s disgusting. I wish he wouldn’t do that.”

“Wow-.”

“…….”

“You’re going to heaven.”

But the answer to my kind words was a voice full of sarcasm.

I felt bad about the malicious sarcasm and put strength in my eyes as I looked at Go Yohan. Go Yohan didn’t care and pulled his mouth to one side. The moment I saw that face, I felt like I had been caught doing something, and my face flushed. I quickly turned my body, ignored Go Yohan, who was mocking my words, and left the classroom.

I was walking quickly down the hallway, intending to go home, when suddenly someone grabbed my shoulder. I thought Go Yohan had followed me this far and was annoyed, so I shook off his hand and turned around, but Homeroom Teacher was there. I was startled and composed myself.

“I’m suddenly sorry. Jun-ah. You were very surprised, right.”

“Ah, no, it’s okay. I was just a little surprised…….”

“I’m sorry about this…… um, I have something even more sorry to ask, but can you talk to Teacher for a moment?”

“Yes?”

“Just a moment. I’m sorry.”

The young Homeroom Teacher’s face was quite serious, so I nodded.

“Today, Jun-woo asked for Tae-san’s address.”

“Han Jun-woo did?”

Homeroom Teacher looked around and said cautiously. As Homeroom Teacher, no matter how much he tried not to know that all the students in the class were either agreeing to bully Han Tae-san or condoning the bullying, he couldn’t not know, but this young teacher wasn’t a great person enough to overcome the situation prevalent in the classroom. But he didn’t seem to be a heartless person who would condone it either. Seeing that he came to me and talked about Han Tae-san, it seemed like that.

“Teacher isn’t suspecting or condemning Jun-woo…….”

“……No. I don’t think it’s strange.”

“Yeah, um, Jun-i often took care of Tae-san, right? So, I was wondering if Jun-i could go to Tae-san’s house with Jun-woo……. You understand what Teacher is saying, right?”

I couldn’t answer right away. It was because I was clenching my teeth tightly.

Han Jun-woo’s feelings towards Han Tae-san came to me and started to wet my feet. The feelings that had wet up to my ankles restrained my movements. I clenched my fists tightly. This wasn’t the time to just stand here.

“Then, could I possibly get Tae-san’s phone number?”

“U-um! Okay. Okay. Teacher will tell you. Call him first.”

“Yes. I’ll talk to him first. Don’t worry too much.”

“Yeah. Teacher is just trusting Jun-i.”

“Yes.”

I was calm on the outside, but I was frantically stamping my feet in my heart. Until Homeroom Teacher, who had handed over Han Tae-san’s home phone number written in the attendance book, left the hallway with an embarrassed face.

I had to stop Han Jun-woo from meeting Han Tae-san. I had to stop Han Jun-woo’s strange obsession. As soon as Homeroom Teacher left, I took out my cell phone from my pocket and immediately called Han Tae-san. I repeatedly clenched and unclenched my hands while shaking one leg until he answered. The phone connected faster than I thought.

-Hello?

“Me, Kang Jun. Is this Han Tae-san?”

As soon as Han Tae-san’s voice came through, I hurriedly spoke. Then, suddenly, a loud noise erupted from the receiver. Sounds of things falling and colliding. After a short pause, along with a rustling sound, Han Tae-san’s voice could be heard.

-J, Jun-ah? Jun-ah. Ah, no, why… No, did you, did you find out my number? No, did you already know it?

“No. Han Jun-woo asked for your address today. So I asked Teacher for your phone number.”

-…….

“I just wanted to tell you to be careful.”

-Are, are you okay? Even after stopping him like that…

“Don’t worry about me. Worry about yourself. If you want to take more time off from school, call this number. I’ll make up a good excuse to Teacher. I’m quite trusted, you know.”

-…….

“If Han Jun-woo tries to harass you or hit you at school, tell me right away. If you can’t tell me, just nudge me or something. It’s hard to deal with it after it’s already happened.”

-Okay…….

“…The best thing would be to transfer schools, though.”

I subtly let Han Tae-san know my true feelings. Hoping he would listen to me.

-…….

“Anyway, think about it. Today, pretend you’re not home, or go somewhere far away for a while.”

-O, okay…….

“Then I’ll hang up.”

-J, just a sec.

“……?”

-……Thank you. Jun-ah.

Han Tae-san, who had been hesitating for a while, mumbled softly in a slightly trembling voice. What the hell. Honestly, it’s a bit unpleasant.

-Always, always helping me, th, thank you…….

“Whatever. It’s nothing.”

-I, I just wanted to say it. Th, thank you. See you la, later.

“Okay.”

-……Goodbye.

Goodbye, my ass.

I hung up without even replying to his greeting. The very feeling of Han Tae-san’s voice entering my ears was creepy and unpleasant.

I don’t know what happened to Han Tae-san that day. All I know is that Han Tae-san started coming to school the next day. And a week later, white downy hairs began to sprout on Han Tae-san’s characteristically youthful skin. Also, Han Tae-san suddenly changed his attitude and didn’t talk to me.

I planted seeds of doubt at that rapid change in color. And when all the bruises finally disappeared from Han Tae-san’s face, I had a feeling of, could it be, could it be. I was happy.

And two weeks later, Han Jun-woo suddenly came up to me and spoke.

“Hey.”

“…….”

“Kang Jun.”

“…….”

I didn’t even look at Han Jun-woo, just stared straight ahead. But my mouth was about to burst open with an exclamation.

Could it be that Han Jun-woo had finally gotten tired of Han Tae-san? Was my worry really unfounded? If so, that’s great. I could forgive him for spending the night with some unknown high school girl, and I could forgive him for not talking to me. Actually, what am I, who’s nothing more than a friend to Han Jun-woo, going to do by forgiving him, but that’s how I felt.

“Let’s talk.”

For a moment, I smiled brightly without realizing it. I really couldn’t help it. I turned to look at Han Jun-woo, and he scratched his cheek with a bitter smile.

“Hey. We’re friends, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit, disgusting. So you know what I’m going to say, right?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“The answer?”

“The answer is… It’s okay. It can happen.”

“Shit. I missed that goody-two-shoes tone.”

Han Jun-woo’s foot lightly nudged my chair.

Missed it. He missed it? I clenched my fist tightly for a moment. But soon Han Jun-woo continued speaking without giving me a short moment to be happy, and I had to grind my gums until they bled.

“But you, don’t be close with Han Tae-san anymore.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll try to refrain from bullying him too.”

That meant that Han Jun-woo hadn’t gotten tired of Han Tae-san yet. That the ignorant Han Jun-woo had thought of another way. And that the trajectory had accelerated even more because of my stubbornness. Still, knowing my place with Han Jun-woo, the very rational Kang Jun forced a trembling smile and said.

“Okay. I understand. You thought it through well.”

Yeah. Because I’m your friend. Even though it feels like I’m going to die.

Funnily enough, after that, Han Jun-woo really didn’t bully Han Tae-san. He didn’t hit him, and he didn’t threaten him with scary words.

I don’t know what happened in that short period of two weeks, but something big must have happened inside Han Jun-woo, and it clearly changed his mind. Only then did I regret it.

Han Jun-woo even took Han Tae-san to the cafeteria, sat him next to him, and suddenly threw a piece of bread on Han Tae-san’s desk out of the blue, and then when Han Tae-san was scared by Han Jun-woo’s actions, he would yell, “Damn it, am I going to eat you!”, “Why are you looking at me with those eyes! It makes me feel like shit.”, and then when Han Tae-san left school, he would leave me, who always went with him, and follow the poor Han Tae-san.

And just like Han Tae-san had changed, I also treated Han Tae-san coldly. If our eyes met, I would openly turn my head away. Well, that was the daily routine.

Han Tae-san is poor. You could clearly see it from his uniform. I had never seen such tattered fabric in my life. He probably got it from someone else. But I didn’t pity him. I just thought there was someone like that. I thought he was someone I would never get involved with. He and I weren’t on the same level. Normally, I wouldn’t have exchanged a single word with him.

What was it about Han Tae-san that made Han Jun-woo so angry, and why did he keep chasing after him even while being so angry? Why couldn’t he let go of Han Tae-san? Was he curious about an experience he had never had? Should I have been born into a poor family too? I scratched my neck roughly, thinking somewhat pathetically.

And just like how things in life become more and more commonplace, like watching Han Jun-woo sleep with women from the side, Han Jun-woo taking care of Han Tae-san also started to become commonplace. It was because quite a long time had passed. Also, the amount of time that Han Jun-woo and I hadn’t spoken had also become longer.

As a long time passed, the oblivious Han Tae-san did something stupid again. He subtly started acting friendly with me again. As if he wasn’t tired of it.

Now Han Tae-san didn’t eat like he was going to choke in front of Han Jun-woo, and he didn’t tremble like an idiot every time. The only thing that hadn’t changed was that he would occasionally tug on my sleeve. Then I would smile slightly and lift my arm to pull my sleeve out.

Sometimes when I saw Han Tae-san’s eyes, I felt uncomfortable and scared somewhere in my chest. Whenever Han Tae-san looked at me, I looked at the floor. Then one day, I suddenly felt the same feeling I had felt in the taxi I took to go to the hotel to meet Han Jun-woo, and I spent the whole night burying my face in the pillow and sleeping fitfully.

That’s what adolescent love is like. Right.

Even though I tried so hard to comfort myself, sadness wouldn’t leave me alone.

Also, lately Han Jun-woo had been talking to Han Tae-san often. He had always talked to him often, but the problem was that his words had become a little more affectionate. Han Jun-woo’s eyes were always trembling slightly when he looked at Han Tae-san.

At that time, when I felt like I was going to die from the pain, Go Yohan spoke to me.

It was mostly useless talk. Honestly, I was grateful for it.

Just one day, I suddenly became curious about Han Tae-san and Han Jun-woo leaving school together. I had a very simple curiosity that a jealous man might have.

When Han Jun-woo followed Han Tae-san after he left, walking quietly so as not to be heard, it seemed like they weren’t walking side by side, but I was curious about Han Jun-woo, who was following a grown man without getting tired of it. Even in the midst of that, I had a bad feeling that this would be no different from Pandora’s box.

A very small box that shouldn’t be opened. A box that you end up seeing even though you know that it contains despair that holds all the sadness of the world, and hope that is sadder and more vicious than despair.

“……Am I crazy, really.”

Yeah, I’m not in my right mind. Even though I knew that fact, I followed Han Jun-woo after school.

But I couldn’t even go halfway and came back.

Han Jun-woo, who was carefully walking so as not to be caught by Han Tae-san, but still gazing at Han Tae-san’s back. Old paint that was peeling off, covering the cheap concrete. Rusty gates, a dusty overpass, a car with a dented bumper. Two boys walking back and forth in a place full of such old and cheap scenery. Han Tae-san and Han Jun-woo. Me, blankly staring at the two of them.

Everything was idiotic and foolish, so I came back.

Sitting in front of the desk in the dark room, I thought hard and felt like I had really done well. I was curious, but I didn’t know what I would have seen if I had followed them to the end. I thought it was better to have only seen this much. Yeah, it’s better not to know. I’m not a fool who opens Pandora’s box because of trivial curiosity.

Han Jun-woo’s obsession grew day by day, and Han Tae-san was still wary of Han Jun-woo. And in some ways, it seemed like he hated Han Jun-woo.

No, he definitely hates him. It’s only natural. There’s no way he would see the guy who beat him up all the time since he transferred schools in a good light. Actually, I’m a little relieved. Should I be glad that I didn’t stop Han Jun-woo from hitting Han Tae-san in the beginning?

I put my hands behind my head and looked at the ceiling. I could see the luxurious lighting. My family was really well-off, and thanks to being an only child, I received overflowing love. I always lived getting what I wanted.

“……Damn it.”

Until I loved Han Jun-woo, I thought there was nothing in the world I couldn’t do. Han Jun-woo, who made me realize the cruel reality that things in the world don’t always go my way, must have lived like that too. And Han Jun-woo must be realizing it desperately too.

Ah, the world is so blatantly cruel.

The only thing that made me better than Han Jun-woo was that I also knew how to restrain myself and hide my feelings. Han Jun-woo was eaten up by his emotions and didn’t know what kind of eyes he was looking at Han Tae-san with. He was just anxious about that sudden and unusual feeling.

It was a feeling I knew well because I had experienced it too. I endured it, but Han Jun-woo couldn’t endure it. That’s why he doesn’t try to look good to Han Tae-san, but instead consistently acts in a way that makes him hate him. It was better for me that way.

“Please, just don’t know until the end.”

Or I wish Han Tae-san would get tired of it and leave far away. It’s not like I have a desire for Han Jun-woo to come to me. Rather, I’m afraid of this kind of love.

I just wished that one day, when I wasn’t in love with Han Jun-woo, Han Jun-woo would start another love. That was all. And of course, the world doesn’t go my way.

Han Jun-woo even switched seats with Han Tae-san’s partner. To the seat right in front of the teacher’s desk, which was the worst. Even though he’s tall and blocks the whole blackboard, he insisted on sitting there. Han Tae-san’s original partner gave an awkward greeting to me and Go Yohan, with a face that was either grateful or confused.

“Hi, guys.”

Go Yohan and I glanced at him and nodded briefly.

“Haha…….”

Even though I could hear the awkward laughter, neither Go Yohan nor I reacted. It must be because we weren’t interested.

Han Jun-woo sits next to Han Tae-san without saying a word. All the time. So I wished and wished even more. I wished that we could spend another year and a half in this state where all the emotions we have don’t move, and that this moment would become a midday dream that we don’t even remember.

There’s another thing that’s changed. Han Jun-woo, who used to spend every weekend mixing it up at night, has finally quit that hobby. From the stories that come out of Han Jun-woo’s or Go Yohan’s group, it seemed like he hadn’t completely quit, but at least he didn’t openly brag about his heroic tales or roll around in the classroom.

For me, I thought that was something. At least I didn’t have to smell the traces of him being intimately mixed up with someone else.

“Hey, Han Jun-woo. Aren’t you going to do this again? This?”

Hong Hwi-jun shook his butt in front of Han Jun-woo, put his hand near his genitals, and moved it lewdly. Han Jun-woo’s face, which had been calm, crumpled at the vulgar gesture, and he quickly glanced at Han Tae-san’s side and shouted.

“You son of a bitch, I told you not to say that kind of thing where there are people!”

“This bastard……. Hey, why are you suddenly being so reserved? Huh?”

“If you bring up that story from now on, you’re dead. Hong Hwi-jun.”

“Hey, Jun-woo.”

“C-BAL, I told you to shut your mouth.”

“……Ah, okay.”

Like this, the kids were disappointed. Han Jun-woo, who was taller than most adult men and gave off a mature feeling, had fully satisfied the curiosity of the high school boys who were very interested in sex.

Han Jun-woo’s and Go Yohan’s group of guys had all clumsily messed around with their lower bodies at least once, so they would have been more excited than the sex-illiterate people who didn’t know anything. When Han Jun-woo stopped talking about his relationships with women, the kids gave Go Yohan expectant looks. But Go Yohan bared his teeth and made a very disgusted face.

“You fucking whores.”

“Ah, again! Again! Go Yohan is talking nonsense again.”

“That nonsense is really true. He’s a fanatic.”

“Crazy bastard. That’s all a waste of resources.”

A burst of laughter passes by.

Literally, the group of guys were all guys who had entered and exited the forbidden zone at least once, but Go Yohan strangely didn’t do that. So they jokingly teased him for being a virgin, but no one ignored Go Yohan. It was Go Yohan. At the same time, Go Yohan was a lighthearted guy in everything he did, so he made all his words and actions lighthearted. Then everyone would say he was a guy whose face didn’t match his personality and like him or act friendly.

“Hey. Damn it, stop glaring at Go Yohan. I’ll piss my pants if you glare at him.”

“That’s right. That bastard looks really scary.”

“You crazy bastards want to die.”

The group of guys burst out laughing at Go Yohan’s words with a frown. It wasn’t even that funny. While I was thinking that the guys who had taken their seats in the back of the classroom, who were either Go Yohan’s friends or less than friends, were laughing and talking pretentiously about nothing, I also joined in and stared blankly at my lower body.

“…….”

According to my remaining memories, my lower body had never stood up for a woman even once. Maybe that’s why I was gay from birth. When I watched pornographic videos of men and women doing it, it would stand up, but I had never even masturbated while thinking about a woman’s body. The former seems to just make me aroused by the stimulating situation, and the latter seems to be that I can’t feel desire.

I had been dragged to a club by Han Jun-woo, but I was cut off from the entrance. I don’t have a fake ID card. So I had to wait on the street until Han Jun-woo came out. I hate brothels because they’re dirty. Rather, I even wonder why I have to go to such a place.

Like this, the group of guys who hang out together call me the abstinent Kang Jun, but in fact my abstinence is almost forced.

I sighed softly.

The kids were all so busy talking about Go Yohan that they didn’t hear my sigh. In that gap, I looked at the silent Han Jun-woo. Han Jun-woo is quietly staring at the back of Han Tae-san’s head, who is studying far away.

Then I regret it again. Why did I look at Han Jun-woo again, wondering what was so curious? I asked Go Yohan a useless question to forget reality.

“Then are you really not going to do it until you get married?”

Go Yohan, who was sitting as if he was lying on a chair, suddenly stared at my center. That gaze was unexpectedly persistent, and I unconsciously crossed my legs to cover my center. What, what is it.

“It’s none of your business since you’re not my wife. Why. Are you going to give it to me?”

“…….”

That’s right. This bastard always plays malicious pranks. The kids laughed at those words, and I kicked Go Yohan in the shin. That kind of day is repeated every day.

Because I’m very likely to be alone when I’m in my room, I often think about various situations. Then I fall into strange imaginations.

Today, I imagined what it would be like if I had fallen in love with Go Yohan instead of Han Jun-woo. Because it seemed like a better situation than now. If I loved Go Yohan, my heart wouldn’t hurt because of his dirty relationships with women.

But it would still be heartbreaking.

Because neither Han Jun-woo nor Go Yohan would ever love me. Still. At least my heart wouldn’t hurt because of Han Tae-san.

Those thoughts soon resulted in inferiority and anger, so I just finished with the thought that I wanted to graduate quickly and become a stranger to Han Jun-woo.

From some point on, whenever I sat at my desk, my hand would go down below. It really started in the second year of middle school. It was all because of men. I fiddled with my belt buckle, lost in thought. Should I, or shouldn’t I? Touching the buckle made a clicking sound as the metal hit my fingernail. Just as I put strength into my thumb to undo the buckle, someone knocked on the door.

“Jun-i student! Are you studying?”

“…Ah, no! No. Yes! I am!”

I almost fainted from shock. Today was a bust. I hid my face in my arms, ashamed. Crazy.

These days, Han Jun-woo is really annoying.

Sometimes, Han Jun-woo would intentionally talk to Han Tae-san whenever Han Tae-san looked at me. Han Tae-san would roll his eyes, open his mouth as if to say something to me, then close it. Then, as if he was aware of Han Jun-woo’s gaze, he would lower his head and answer Han Jun-woo. In a very small voice.

“Y-yeah.”

Like that.

Han Tae-san subtly looks for me. And calls me Jun. Since almost no one except adults called me Jun, the change was definitely noticeable. He probably thought he was calling me carefully, but not at all. The worst thing was that Han Jun-woo couldn’t hide his discomfort with everything Han Tae-san did.

“Han Tae-san, don’t disturb Kang Jun’s studying.”

“Huh?”

“I said don’t disturb him. Can’t you understand?”

“Ah…, uh, y-yeah…”

When Han Tae-san hesitated and avoided him, Han Jun-woo did something childish, hitting the leg of the desk next to him hard. I pretended not to notice. Annoyingly, the clueless Han Tae-san seemed to think that no one cared anymore that he called me Jun. It was clear from the fact that he had the nerve to call me Jun outright.

“S-sorry, Jun-ah. Sorry for disturbing your studying.”

I stiffened and looked at Han Tae-san. He must be crazy. Han Jun-woo was right in front of him. As expected, Han Jun-woo slammed his fist on the desk. Damn it.

“Hey! Han Tae-san!”

“…Huh?”

The atmosphere turns sour again.

“I told you,”

Han Jun-woo was angry. Very openly.

“I told you not to call him Jun, didn’t I?”

“…Th-that’s…”

“Call him Kang Jun. His name is Kang Jun.”

And Han Jun-woo’s eyes flashed as if he would devour me. I hated that look and lowered my head. At that moment, Go Yohan, who was sitting next to me, put his arm around my shoulder. He was so close that I could clearly hear Go Yohan’s unique low voice near my ear.

“Han Jun-woo. If you keep doing that, you’re really going to be fucked.”

“What are you talking about, you bastard.”

“You’re going to be ruined. You.”

Go Yohan laughed. At the same time, I felt a little angry. There was only one reason.

“Han Jun-woo, why don’t you say anything when Go Yohan calls me Jun?”

“Because you two are close.”

I was so dumbfounded that I let out a sigh.

“Yeah. Go Yohan and I are really close. Shit.”

Have I ever hung out with Go Yohan alone? No. Han Jun-woo clearly doesn’t know that there’s no such thing. Because of these words, I often had to feel that I was slowly dying without realizing it.

My dying soul craves a new life. But because it was so hard for me to break away from you, who are like a drug, I didn’t listen to the whispers of my soul and covered my ears. And I searched for salvation in a new direction.

That salvation is a kind of service spirit that helps the pitiful-looking Han Tae-san and says to God, ‘I am such a good person, please grant my wish.’

I shouted that I was doing this much good to someone I hated. But since I was originally an atheist and it was an unhealthy service spirit that considered profit, God might not have granted my wish. Maybe he was even displeased with me.

As Han Jun-woo started following Han Tae-san around, I naturally stuck with the remaining Go Yohan. In fact, Han Jun-woo was making me close to Go Yohan.

I also had other friends who didn’t belong to Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan, but most of them were friends who didn’t let go of their studies. My clumsy friends always had their heads buried in workbooks. On the other hand, most of Go Yohan’s friends either slept at their desks until the end of school or disappeared during lunch break, so it was natural for us to stick together.

These days, I, who am doing unintentional service, pitifully, curled my lips when I saw Go Yohan’s Rosary.

It was cleaning time.

I saw Go Yohan hiding between the pillars, perhaps to avoid the wind pouring in from the window opened for ventilation, or to avoid sweeping. And the Rosary dangling from Go Yohan’s wrist. At this time, I must have been intoxicated by something. Seeing that I suddenly went next to him, nudged him, and asked.

“Go Yohan. Does God really grant wishes?”

Go Yohan answered casually with his head down.

“Why don’t you try praying?”

“Have you ever made a wish?”

“Of course, I pray every night.”

“What kind of wish do you pray for so much?”

“Peace and tranquility? Success? My future and love?”

“What, that’s not like you.”

Go Yohan, who was looking at me with a serious face, suddenly smiled brightly.

“Was I a little cool?”

“No.”

“You have terrible taste. How can this not be cool? Is your head made of wood?”

Go Yohan fastened his school uniform. And he buttoned up the buttons one by one. The Rosary swaying between his uniform and wrist is visible. The cross was swaying.

“Then, did he grant your wish?”

“No, not yet.”

Go Yohan, who said that, seemed tired of talking and finally sat down near the classroom window. I hesitated near him, wondering what to do, and finally sat down next to him.

Avoiding the approaching cold, I looked at the empty seats of Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san. At the same time, the broom that Go Yohan had set up fell to the wooden floor with a ‘thud’.

“Aren’t you going to pick that up?”

“Too lazy.”

I gathered my knees and looked at the broom, then looked at Go Yohan to give him a look. Then our eyes met. I was startled and avoided his gaze. Then, pretending to be nonchalant, I subtly got up. I picked up the fallen broom and swept the floor instead of Go Yohan.

“You’re kind. Jun-i.”

“I have to do what Teacher tells me to do.”

“Okay. Then do all of mine too?”

At those words, I stopped sweeping the floor and looked at Go Yohan. Go Yohan shrugged his shoulders lightly and smiled.

“If you’re kind, you should be happy to volunteer for others.”

“……”

That’s right. I’m that kind of guy. I was a good son in front of my parents, a reliable student in front of my teachers, and a pretty decent guy in front of my classmates. I’ve lived my whole life like that, so pretending to be a close friend in front of Han Jun-woo was easy.

I don’t want to be in a relationship with Han Jun-woo, or want him to know my feelings. I was just waiting for my feelings to disappear faintly like frost evaporating in the morning.

I swept the floor with a little annoyance.

Should I stop praying now? I don’t think he’ll grant it. Is it because I made too selfish a wish? But I didn’t even ask him to grant it.

I put the broom in the cleaning supply box and closed the door. My hands smelled musty.

The problem is that I know reality too well. I should dream a little.