By Zephyria 
His gaze revealed anxiety. It was different from his brazenly confident assertion of ownership in front of Jeong Seong-won. But possessiveness or ownership wasn’t the destination Song Hyun-soo desired. Even when he hadn’t asked to date, Yoon Joo-ho had shown an abundance of possessiveness and ownership.
Those could be the beginning of love, but they couldn’t be the ultimate form of love.
Or, setting all that aside, what Song Hyun-soo wanted from Yoon Joo-ho was not just that much.
He hadn’t realized he would be so greedy against the formidable Yoon Joo-ho. But his heart felt that way. He wanted all of him, and he wanted the him who had surpassed his past self. If not, he didn’t want it.
“You’re not really pretending not to know how I feel, are you?”
Yoon Joo-ho’s hands cupped Song Hyun-soo’s cheeks. The distance was so close that his rapidly rising and falling breath flowed into his lips. It had been a long time since they had looked at each other’s faces this closely, except for when they filmed scene 93.
Tracing every inch of the other’s face with his eyes, they met gazes. Being able to look at each other at this distance was also a privilege reserved for lovers. He searched for his own emptiness in the other’s eyes. Yoon Joo-ho’s thumb gently stroked Song Hyun-soo’s cheek. Then, unexpectedly, he tilted his head and pressed his lips to his. Song Hyun-soo’s body stiffened.
Trying to resist his lips, which pressed closer and rubbed against his, he tried to turn his face away. But Yoon Joo-ho tightened his grip on his cheek. The moment his lower lip was sucked between Yoon Joo-ho’s lips, he rammed his shoulder into him and pushed him away.
“What are you doing? Are you out of your mind?!”
He rubbed his lips with the back of his hand. His face was flushed red with anger, and he panted. Yoon Joo-ho, pushed back four or five steps, his eyes wavered greatly.
“Because you looked like you were about to cry…”
“Why? If I cry, does that mean you can kiss me? Do you have the right to do this to me right now!”
Yoon Joo-ho’s gaze dropped diagonally. He shouted at his profile, which was moistening his lips with his tongue.
“If I get angry, I can say anything, and then if I regret it, I can come back and hug you and kiss you… Am I that kind of person to you?”
“You know that’s not true!”
Yoon Joo-ho reached out and approached, but Song Hyun-soo stepped back the same distance.
“Is every relationship like this?”
“Like what.”
“It’s whatever you want. The word ‘end’… so easily…”
The moment he heard the word ‘end,’ he remembered. Tears welled up, and his voice trembled. He sniffled and wiped his tears haphazardly. Yoon Joo-ho, who desperately wanted to approach but had been rejected once, hesitated to cross that line again. He chewed his jaw, his lips quivered, and in front of Song Hyun-soo’s tears, he looked almost scared.
“You said it was the end… Why are you angry, and why are you kissing me? Fuck, by what right!”
“Hyun-soo.”
He refused the hand that reached out to him again. This time, he even coldly slapped his wrist away.
“Don’t touch me. I’m not yours anymore.”
“……”
A complex expression of hurt, surprise, burning sensation, and anger danced like tongues of fire on his beautiful face. Song Hyun-soo’s explosive emotions also boiled over uncontrollably.
“Hiding, lying. It’s not just that.”
“……”
“Did you ever think about how I would feel knowing about that incident?”
Song Hyun-soo clenched his fists.
“Did I approach you in the first place because I was close to your brother?”
“No!”
“Were you hoping to hear news about my brother from me?”
“I said no.”
Before he could break free, Yoon Joo-ho lunged forward and grabbed Song Hyun-soo’s shoulders tightly.
“Hyun-soo, look at me.”
Stubbornly avoiding his gaze, he stared over his shoulder, holding back tears.
“Have I ever asked you how Jeong Ji-in is doing, even in passing? Have I ever asked you? That’s not true. You know it’s not. Why are you saying that?”
“Did you think about Ji-in hyung being sad when you went on a business trip to Paris? Did you consider contacting him?”
Yoon Joo-ho shook the shoulders he was gripping.
“I only thought of you.”
“……”
“Do you remember? I went after we fought. I wanted to go to you quickly and make up. Why are you thinking like that?”
“I can’t help but imagine it, so what can I do! All sorts of thoughts come to mind!”
Yoon Joo-ho nodded, still holding Song Hyun-soo’s shoulders. He slowly closed and opened his eyes, swallowing dryly. He tried to remain calm.
“Yes, I’m sorry. It’s all my fault.”
“What is your fault?”
“……”
“It’s not like you’re switching partners between me and my hyung. Or cheating. It’s not something I need an apology for, meeting someone before me, is it?”
The hand that had been gripping Song Hyun-soo’s shoulder dropped down along with his gaze. After clearing his throat several times, he whispered as if exhaling,
“More than the hurt you’d feel… I was more afraid of losing you.”
His gaze cautiously sought out Song Hyun-soo’s eyes again.
“More than you needing me, I… need you more.”
“Ngh.”
This time, Song Hyun-soo pulled his face away.
“Come home.”
Yoon Joo-ho gently held Song Hyun-soo’s fingertips. When there was no resistance, he wrapped both his hands tightly around Song Hyun-soo’s left hand.
“I’ll bother you as much as you want, right beside you, until your heart softens. Okay?”
“I know you treated me well, sunbae. That being cold and saying unpleasant things isn’t all you are.”
“Then…”
Song Hyun-soo squirmed, trying to pull his hand out of Yoon Joo-ho’s grasp.
“But. Life can’t always have good days, can it?”
“……”
“Whenever a problem arises, if you try to run away in that same way again?”
The edges of Song Hyun-soo’s eyes began to redden again. Yoon Joo-ho’s anxious gaze traced the tear tracks. He finally managed to pull his hand free from Yoon Joo-ho’s grip, which refused to let go.
“Every time that happens, sunbae, you don’t seem like the person who used to tie my bow tie and put a hood on me… I’m scared you’ll change like that again.”
He pulled back the curtain and left the private room. At the bar counter, he began gathering his things. A waiter brought his outerwear and scarf from the closet inside. Yoon Joo-ho, who followed him out, his gaze fell on the scarf. The fact that Song Hyun-soo was still using the item he had gifted seemed to offer him a sliver of comfort.
Song Hyun-soo, after putting on his coat, called for a taxi and then wrapped his scarf around his neck. Yoon Joo-ho, sighing beside him, pressed down on his bag with his hand.
“I’ll give you a ride.”
“I can take a taxi.”
“I brought my car. I’ll drive you, so we can talk more on the way.”
“I have nothing more to say right now.”
Lucky enough, a taxi was assigned nearby. Song Hyun-soo brushed off Yoon Joo-ho’s hand, slung his backpack over one shoulder, and looked for Seohae with his eyes. He was watching them with a worried gaze. After a brief nod, Song Hyun-soo turned away. Yoon Joo-ho followed.
As they pushed open the glass door, a taxi with its lights on was waiting. Confirming the license plate, Song Hyun-soo headed straight for the back seat. Yoon Joo-ho grabbed Song Hyun-soo’s arm forcefully as he reached for the door handle.
“Don’t you pity me anymore?”
“……”
In that moment, they felt a closeness to each other greater than ever before. Longing and intense pity churned within Song Hyun-soo. He felt nauseous. He looked back at Yoon Joo-ho, his eyes reflecting that emotion.
“I do pity you.”
“……”
“But it seems it’s not enough to make me miserable.”
A flicker of hope appeared in Yoon Joo-ho’s eyes for a moment, then crumbled.
Song Hyun-soo opened the door and got into the taxi.
“Please start, driver.”
He tried hard not to look out the car window. Even after the car started, the driver, who had been glancing at the rearview mirror, turned his body to look out the rear window.
“The person you were with. Isn’t that the Crown Prince? Yoon Joo-ho.”
“Huh? Ah… No way. It’s not, Yoon Joo-ho.”
As he replied as if it were absurd, the driver seemed to accept it readily.
As they made a right turn at the alley corner, Yoon Joo-ho’s figure, standing still in that spot, came into view. He stood with his arms hanging limply, looking dazed, watching them. For a moment, Song Hyun-soo leaned forward.
“Uh, driver.”
“Yes?”
“Ah, no. It’s nothing.”
He clasped his hands together and lowered his head. The taxi completely exited the alley and merged onto the road.
If he were to stop the taxi right now and run back to embrace him, he would hold him tightly in his arms with even greater force. He would whisper with all his heart that he was sorry, that those words weren’t sincere. In that voice he loved. And then they would go to his house and have sex like crazy all night. He could easily fall for that.
But if he did, this pattern would surely repeat.
If they were prepared for a future together, not just a fleeting fling, they had to at least speak the same language.
Leaning his head against the car window, he stared blankly at the passing scenery. He wiped away the tears that had finally fallen with his hand. He knew he wouldn’t be able to forget Yoon Joo-ho’s face, asking, “Don’t you pity me anymore?”
■■■