By Zephyria 
Leaving Director Bang grumbling in confusion about why he was suddenly asking for canned peaches he’d never eaten before, Yoon Joo-ho fled to Monroe’s room. Even though Director Bang had left the door open, the cat still didn’t come out of his room. Yet, the moment Yoon Joo-ho appeared, Monroe would instantly leap down from the cat tower. He rubbed against Yoon Joo-ho’s leg, purring contentedly, followed him a few steps, then turned back towards the door.
Meeeow. Meeeow.
And then, facing the door, he let out a plaintive, baby-like cry in a thin voice. Yoon Joo-ho’s chest felt tight. He had to let out several long breaths, rubbing his jaw.
“Come here.”
Ah, ahhh, ah.
Monroe looked back at Yoon Joo-ho, tilted his chin up, and let out a long cry into the air in a thin voice. As if protesting. As if expressing his grievance.
“Are you really going to do this every time?”
Aaaang.
“Hyun-soo’s Dad… isn’t here. I’ll brush you. Come here.”
Every time he said ‘isn’t here,’ he felt resistance in pronouncing the word. A feeling of his vocal cords being blocked.
Since the day Song Hyun-soo left this house, Monroe, who had stopped coming out of his room, behaved like this every time Yoon Joo-ho entered. Last week, during the holiday, he’d thought it was because they’d become estranged after Yoon Joo-ho had been away from home for the first time in a while. But after giving up, he would return to Yoon Joo-ho, snuggle, and play well. However, the behavior of crying at the door every time he left and returned to the room was repeated.
『“But did Monroe look for you a lot?”
“How do I know he was looking for me?”
“He didn’t even care about his food, he just cried at the door for so long.”』
Back then, he’d thought Song Hyun-soo, who was overly doting on Monroe, was exaggerating. But now he knew that wasn’t the case. He knew who the cat was looking for.
From the drawer where he kept toys for playing and Monroe’s various supplies, he took out the cylinder holding his brushes. Sitting by the window, his usual brushing spot, Monroe finally trotted over and lay down at Yoon Joo-ho’s feet.
He slowly began stroking Monroe from head to tail as the cat lay flat on his stomach. Seemingly pleased, Monroe soon narrowed his eyes, looking languid.
“Yoon Marilyn.”
Aang?
“You liked being brushed from the start, you’re a genius cat, aren’t you?”
Yaang.
『“Senior, you’re almost at the dining table. To come this far alone, isn’t our Monroe a real genius cat?”』
He’d chided Song Hyun-soo for being a doting parent. But now, Yoon Joo-ho himself was praising the cat as a genius. If it weren’t for you, I would never have thought of bringing an animal into my home again.
“Do you miss Hyun-soo’s Dad?”
Awoooong.
“I don’t.”
Waang? Monroe’s ears perked up, and his voice rose.
“I really don’t miss him at all, you know?”
As if the brushing was ticklish, Monroe shook his head.
“Really. This isn’t about missing him, it’s more like…”
As if waiting for him to finish, Monroe turned his head and looked at Yoon Joo-ho. Yoon Joo-ho just smiled at him, unable to finish his sentence.
As he was almost done brushing, Director Bang appeared at the door and tapped the doorframe as if knocking.
“Your Highness, your humble servant brings you canned peaches.”
Yoon Joo-ho, giving Monroe a final stroke all over, stood up and returned the brush to its place. After brushing, Monroe, as usual, went to his bed and lay down. He tucked his favorite toy, Song Hyun-soo’s rabbit slippers, under his body.
“Do you feel good acting so sarcastic? Are you super happy?”
As he left the room, Yoon Joo-ho sneered at Director Bang. He found both Seohae and Director Bang equally annoying. People who just nagged without bringing Song Hyun-soo here. It was easy to say.
On the island counter, a tray held pieces of canned peaches, like egg yolks. Yoon Joo-ho slumped onto the stool. His body, which he had built up, was difficult to support after starving for over a day and vomiting multiple times.
“Yeah, you bastard. Seeing you looking so pathetic makes me so happy?”
Yoon Joo-ho glared at Director Bang, who had come to stand opposite him at the counter. Though Director Bang also looked upset, he didn’t have the luxury to care about that.
“If you’re just going to keep picking at me, why don’t you leave? You’re really not helping at all.”
“Funny. What kind of help am I supposed to give?”
“If you had just said I was sick…!”
Yoon Joo-ho, raising his voice, cut himself off and fell silent.
“And then what? You think Hyun-soo would come back if he heard you were sick?”
“…”
“Wake up, Yoon Joo-ho.”
“Do you know what we went through?”
“If you knew so well, why did you lose him?”
“You don’t have to poke at me like that, I’m already… Ugh, never mind.”
He picked up a spoon and cut a piece of the yellow canned peaches. As he brought it close to his lips, the sticky, sweet scent first stimulated his memory through his sense of smell. The power of that memory was almost violent.
『“You pity me too?”
“Yes. I pity you, Senior. For someone like me, from the bottom, to pity Yoon Joo-ho. It’s a comedy, but still.”』
He had been told that if he finished his work well without showing his pain, he was a great professional, and they were proud. But he also knew well that if he said he wanted to rest because he was in pain, he would be met with cold criticism. As a child, he endured for praise, and as he grew older, he endured because he knew speaking wouldn’t change anything.
Song Hyun-soo’s words of pity were like a spring welling up in the dark, deep hole created by that past. When it was empty, it was a hole, but when clear water filled it, it became a spring.
He didn’t want to lose it. He wanted to hold it forever, to bury his lips in that flesh forever. He was so afraid that he couldn’t speak the truth. He was only focused on blinding him with sweet lies.
It was the only way he knew how.
The memory evoked by the sweet scent made it impossible to swallow. He finally put the spoon back down. Leaning against the counter, he chewed his lip for a long time. Director Bang also watched silently this time, without interfering.
“Seohae hyung said something.”
Yoon Joo-ho began to speak, his voice calm enough to seem detached.
“He said he was able to let go of Jung Ji-in because he did everything he could to catch him.”
“That might be true. It’s like that with everything in the world. That’s why everyone says to do your best in the present.”
Yoon Joo-ho nodded in agreement.
“Yes. That’s right. I did my best back then.”
“…”
“And it still didn’t work out.”
Yoon Joo-ho looked up at Director Bang. His eyes, which seemed completely empty, no longer held even hostility.
“So what do I need to do this time to catch him, hyung?”
Yoon Joo-ho was asking sincerely.
“Should I offer my neck in front of him? Then will he accept me?”
“Why are you being so extreme, you idiot?”
“I dream that Hyun-soo rejects me when I try to kiss him.”
“…”
Yoon Joo-ho crushed his face with his right hand.
“You said it wouldn’t work out between us… you’ve walked out that door so many times.”
Director Bang, standing before him, let out a deep sigh and ran his hands through his hair.
“Whether it turns out for the best or the worst, it’s better than doing nothing. Joo-ho.”
“If it turns out for the worst…? What if he really starts to hate me this time? What will I do without him then?”
“Joo-ho.”
“It was already so hard when it ended before it even properly began. Like you said, he’s not just anything. He came into my house, got into my bed, my…”
Yoon Joo-ho cut himself off, biting his lip. Without realizing it himself, he had clenched his fist tightly on the counter. Director Bang looked at him with pity, his expression conveying that he knew the unspoken words.
Yoon Joo-ho stood up from the stool.
“I’ll eat it later. Just leave it.”
He closed the door to Master Zone, closed the bedroom door, and shut himself in the room.
He sat down at the table by the window and lit a cigarette. The emotions he had kept outside were now burning and stirring within him. The internal pressure was rising, as if about to erupt with magma. Cracks were forming, unable to withstand the pressure.
He picked up his phone, which he had left on the table. He opened the SNS app. The notification numbers, announcing new followers, likes, and comments, were displayed in red as usual. He first accessed his own account.
Posts 473, Followers 47.21 million, Following 0
The reason he didn’t follow anyone was simple. Yoon Joo-ho never used SNS for personal purposes. He believed that for someone well-known, it was better not to engage in personal interactions through SNS. By not following anyone, he wouldn’t have to disappoint anyone, whether they were seniors, colleagues, or juniors. He had never browsed anyone’s account. Except for Song Hyun-soo.
He clicked on the most recent post. It was a photo with the cast of
In the photo, Song Hyun-soo was smiling brightly, making a V-sign with his fingers. With a cigarette dangling from his fingers, Yoon Joo-ho let out an involuntary chuckle. He zoomed in on Song Hyun-soo’s face. He had already done this several times this afternoon.
He clicked on the tag and navigated to Song Hyun-soo’s account.
Posts 602, Followers 4233, Following 324
The follower count had increased slightly since he last checked a few hours ago. It was likely due to Yoon Joo-ho tagging his account.
Song Hyun-soo had also uploaded the same photo.
With the seniors filming
A huge lunch box and coffee truck from the fan cafe Yoon Gyeol-ho!
Thank you for the delicious food.
I am Yoon Gyeol-ho too ♡
He began scrolling back through the 600-plus posts. Although he had seen them all many times before, they felt new and intriguing as if for the first time.
Him standing at ‘Jessica’s’ bar in a uniform, making cocktails; him grilling samgyeopsal on a rooftop with Jung-ho and what appeared to be another female part-timer; him building a stage with his theater troupe colleagues, shirtless and wearing work gloves; him performing on that stage; him walking across the Han River Bridge in the snow, looking quite atmospheric; and even the cats from the ‘Honey’s place’ lot days…
Song Hyun-soo’s past, unknown to Yoon Joo-ho, shone brightly in each of these images. Soon, Yoon Joo-ho found himself smiling softly, with affection. Yet, at the same time, a feeling of indignant loss welled up.
“Admit it, Yoon Joo-ho. That you can’t live without him.”
Seohae didn’t know everything Director Bang knew. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to admit it. The moment he had asked Song Hyun-soo to be his boyfriend, he had already admitted it.
Back then too, Song Hyun-soo had left, hurt. His own sharp words, spoken out of confusion, had drawn blood. Like the lyrics of that song he often heard.
Back then, he could have been forgiven with a request to date.
So what should he say this time?
He knew that words like “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” would have no effect.
Yoon Joo-ho stubbed out his cigarette and headed for the dressing room.
After taking off his robe and finishing his preparations to go out, he slowly walked to the drawer where his watch cases were kept. He fastened the special watch he had kept there for the past few weeks onto his wrist. He covered the watch with his right hand and pressed it firmly over his heart.
Before leaving the dressing room, he accessed the SNS app again. After a few taps, a few numbers on Yoon Joo-ho’s account had changed.
Posts 473, Followers 47.21 million, Following 1
As if the hands of an old, rusty clock that had been stopped for a long time had moved one notch forward.
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