By Zephyria Every time he heard this song, it felt like his own story. He recalled the days he would float up at Yoon Joo-ho’s touch on his hair, neck, and cheeks, only to collapse at the harsh words that followed.
He had even laughed at himself for assigning meaning to such a small event, like him listening to a song he introduced, and optimistically predicting how much his heart was leaning towards him.
But at this moment, just the fact that he wore that watch made his heart melt again. He knew it was Yoon Joo-ho’s own gesture of reconciliation.
Yoon Joo-ho, who had been smoking while listening to the languid, slow melody, flicked the ash and spoke.
“I told you I can’t explain and make you understand. That’s why it never worked out.”
“I didn’t know you were this bad at it.”
“I’m Yoon Joo-ho. If it never worked out even then, you can imagine the extent of it.”
“I thought you were dumped because your sex was beastly.”
Yoon Joo-ho chuckled at Song Hyun-soo’s sulky mumble. Then, leaning his head back against the headrest, he turned to look at him.
“I haven’t heard any complaints about that.”
His face, faintly reflecting the neon signs, was captivating. But he now knew it held just as much poison. Wasn’t he someone who could act like Baek Kang, but could never truly be Baek Kang?
When Song Hyun-soo didn’t react even to the joke, he lifted his upper body from the backrest and tapped his cigarette into the ashtray.
“What do I have to do for you to come home?”
“……”
“Is it really impossible?”
“……”
“Like you said. Even if it feels like my heart is going to break?”
“……”
This was an unexpected curveball. Song Hyun-soo, with a cigarette between his fingers, froze and stared intently at Yoon Joo-ho’s face.
Yoon Joo-ho would never say these lines to me in real life. Moreover, his face held a painful earnestness.
That’s why it felt like a movie. Because it was impossible.
The surprise didn’t end there.
“I threw away that box.”
“……”
“And I got rid of the Escalade too.”
“Why the Escalade?”
“I reordered it in the new model.”
“So why? It’s a perfectly good car…”
Mid-sentence, Song Hyun-soo suddenly realized. He had been intimate in the Escalade with ‘that person’ too.
Watching Song Hyun-soo’s expression change, Yoon Joo-ho didn’t look away. He stared with unwavering intensity, as if confirming Song Hyun-soo’s guess.
But this time, he didn’t feel jealousy.
Yoon Joo-ho was trying in his own way. Even if he couldn’t understand with his heart, he was learning and trying to adapt with his head. Rather, it felt like a clearer declaration of his stance than any words or actions he had shown so far.
“Why… are you going that far?”
His questioning voice trembled.
As you said, we’re not married. We have no responsibility or obligation to each other. Why are you going that far?
In a corner of the alley, illuminated by a few neon signs, Yoon Joo-ho hunched his shoulders and gazed at Song Hyun-soo.
“Removing traces of a previous person. That’s basic courtesy to the person you’re dating now.”
“……”
He couldn’t understand his words. Yet, every cell in his body reacted. Goosebumps ran down his neck several times.
Yoon Joo-ho stubbed out his cigarette and took the butt from Song Hyun-soo’s hand. Only then did Song Hyun-soo realize that the cigarette burning in his hand was about to drop ash.
After extinguishing two cigarettes, Yoon Joo-ho’s right hand reached out and cupped Song Hyun-soo’s cheek.
“You said you were different. That you would fix me.”
His thumb brushed across his cheek. A touch that wasn’t gentle, but was trying to be. It was Yoon Joo-ho’s touch, as Song Hyun-soo knew it. He only realized he was crying when Yoon Joo-ho wiped his tears.
“No matter what I do, I just make you cry.”
A self-deprecating voice filled with helplessness.
Song Hyun-soo, who had been frozen the whole time, shook his head repeatedly and strongly. He then wiped his tears forcefully with his own hand.
“Don’t worry about it, they’re tears of joy.”
“I will hurt you again in the future. Because I’m defective.”
“That’s not…”
“But I need you.”
“……”
“No matter how badly I act, don’t give up. Stay by my side and fix me.”
What an unequivocally selfish man. But at the same time, it was the most Yoon Joo-ho-like confession. He wouldn’t make empty promises like ‘I’ll make you happy’ or ‘I’ll treat you well from now on.’ That wasn’t Yoon Joo-ho.
“Even though I cry and wail at your words, Senior, I know they’re not sincere.”
He wrapped his hand around Yoon Joo-ho’s arm that was cupping his cheek.
“We’ll be fine, fighting like we want to kill each other and making up passionately.”
“Yes, we will. But promise me. You won’t leave.”
“R-right now?”
“Yes.”
Yoon Joo-ho’s eyes were incredibly serious. At the moment of asking to date, he looked anxious, as if fearing the end. It was probably because their encounters hadn’t gone well so far.
“You’ve been acting like an asshole from the start, Senior. If I was going to leave because of that, I would have left already. And I already told you.”
“Told me what.”
“That I wouldn’t come to dislike you. And that I would never betray you.”
Only then did Yoon Joo-ho’s serious expression soften, and his lips moved slightly into a smile. Then, he lightly pinched Song Hyun-soo’s cheek. It wasn’t the kind of affectionate touch a close older brother might give a younger one. It was a contact that felt quite like a couple’s, sending a thrill that made his shoulders hunch.
Yoon Joo-ho turned his body completely towards him, and his hand moved from his cheek to the back of his neck. Yoon Joo-ho, his forehead touching Song Hyun-soo’s, simply stroked the skin on the back of his neck with his thumb.
“Come home. Monroe is waiting.”
“Senior.”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t use Monroe as an excuse.”
“Don’t expect too much at once.”
“Sunbae.”
“Why.”
“…I’m sorry too.”
Yoon Joo-ho smiled like a gentle breeze. Then, lips a little rougher than usual covered Song Hyun-soo’s breath. It was their first kiss as lovers.
■■■
It was the same house they had left just a few hours ago, but as they turned on the light in front of the door, it felt as awkward as if they had returned after months. Perhaps it was because they had entered together with Yoon Joo-ho, or perhaps it was because they had become lovers with Yoon Joo-ho. Their position was entirely different from when they had left through this door a few hours prior.
Just like the first day he came here, Yoon Joo-ho was pacing in the middle of the room. He’s really dating me now. Even though it didn’t feel real yet, seeing his back made Song Hyun-soo’s lips twitch into a smile. He bit his lip, suppressing a laugh, and rubbed the back of his neck before heading back to the kitchen.
Song Hyun-soo retrieved a pile of shopping bags he had collected from behind the refrigerator and handed a few to Yoon Joo-ho.
“Sunbae, these.”
“What am I supposed to do with them?”
“Put all the tops hanging on the right side of the second floor in here. They’re the ones I wear often.”
Song Hyun-soo gestured with his chin towards the hanger, and Yoon Joo-ho accepted them without complaint, moving to the hanger and beginning to remove t-shirts and sweatshirts from their hangers. Song Hyun-soo, on the opposite side, started picking up items from the desk.
With their coats still on, the two of them rummaging through the room felt like burglars. Chuckling at the thought, Song Hyun-soo tossed scripts, transcription books, a cat notebook, a pen set, a phone stand, and several acting theory books haphazardly into the shopping bags.
“Today.”
“Yes?”
“You didn’t wear this because you were protesting, right?”
Yoon Joo-ho’s voice made Song Hyun-soo turn around. He was looking over, tugging at the sleeve of his orange padding. Song Hyun-soo wrinkled his nose and lowered his gaze.
“Rather than protesting… I just wondered if it was okay to wear it after we fought like that.”
“What’s not okay about it? It’s yours. Or were you planning to pack everything into boxes and send it back too?”
“…”
Yoon Joo-ho’s face, as he said that, momentarily looked like a child whose feelings had been rejected. He felt pity for him, just as his grandmother used to say. For his sake, Song Hyun-soo forced a smile and shrugged as if it were no big deal.
“No. Why would I do that? We just had a fight, that’s all.”
Only then did Yoon Joo-ho nod and offer a faint smile. He then pulled the padding off the hanger and began to fold it roughly.
“Just pack the things you absolutely need right now. You have most things at home.”
“Understood.”
“Are those absolutely necessary?”
As Song Hyun-soo brought his rabbit slippers, which he had taken off by the entrance, and was about to put them into a shopping bag, Yoon Joo-ho’s voice, laced with disbelief, was heard. He stopped and looked up to see Yoon Joo-ho holding a hanger, looking down at him with a pathetic gaze.
“No…? They’re warm. Well, your place isn’t cold, so you probably don’t need them.”
A sigh, as if resigned, was heard from above Song Hyun-soo’s head as he dejectedly pulled the slippers back out.
“If you want to take them, then go ahead.”
Look at him pretending to give in because I want them. Honestly, even if his words were a bit sharp, he was always very accommodating. Wouldn’t Yoon Joo-ho be a 99-point boyfriend, if not a perfect 100? Thinking that, Song Hyun-soo forcefully shoved the rabbit slippers into an already full shopping bag.
I am Yoon Joo-ho’s boyfriend.
Yoon Joo-ho’s first boyfriend, who never dated men.
No matter how much he pursed his lips and bit down firmly, a smile escaped, making his cheeks quiver.