By Zephyria 
■ SEOUL ■
After finishing a light meal of roast beef sandwiches with pumpkin and whole grain mustard sauce, Rau stood up from the dining table, offering to make drip coffee himself as a thank you for the dinner he’d been treated to.
“Wow, this is more serious than I thought. Someone so meticulous with organizing documents.”
Rau muttered as he opened the cabinet above the sink to find a dripper and filters, looking at the chaotic interior as if it had been bombed.
It had been a considerable time since Lee Hyun left and could no longer help with household chores, but for nearly two years, Manager Han had struggled to find a satisfactory housekeeper. As Phantom was under construction at the time, she was currently doing the housework herself, but she knew she would have to find a new helper soon.
“It’s just about making things disappear from sight, so I’m stuffing them wherever I can. I’m even thinking of just moving to a bigger place.”
He knew her habit well: despite having no talent for organizing, she became sensitive if her surroundings weren’t neat. Fortunately, he had met a good person through a Phantom client’s introduction and had maintained a long-term relationship, but he also knew that finding someone to entrust with household matters, not just anything else, was not a problem that money alone could solve.
Being kind-hearted didn’t guarantee longevity. In the end, finding someone to manage the household was similar to dating, focusing on how well they fit with you.
After a cursory glance at the upper cabinets, Rau was looking through the lower ones when he straightened up and turned to Manager Han, who had spoken of a larger house as a last resort.
“I heard there are professional services that come to your home to organize and store things.”
“Where on earth do you hear about such things?”
Manager Han tilted her head back and laughed, finishing the last bite of her sandwich.
Regardless of what she thought, Rau was also a resident of Korea, constantly exposed to a flood of both high-quality and low-quality miscellaneous information the moment he swiped his smartphone lock screen. He used to use his phone at the level of a PDA from the past, but these days, he found himself holding it much more often.
Rau recalled Lee Hyun’s studio, barely three pyeong in size, where books and art supplies were neatly stacked along the walls despite the lack of storage space, and even the socks and underwear in the drawers were meticulously organized. He then bent down again, rubbing the ring on his ring finger with his left thumb.
Rau found the dripper abandoned inside a large salad bowl, along with a pot holder, a small steamer, and Christmas tree ornaments. He picked up the dripper and shook the tip of an ornament he’d rescued along with it.
“Why is this in the kitchen cabinet?”
“Ah… just put it back, please.”
As Manager Han, with a troubled expression, requested, Rau placed the cane-shaped decoration back in its ‘proper’ place. About 10 minutes after standing up from the dining table, he began brewing coffee.
As he slowly poured water in a circular motion over the grounds in the filter, the aroma of coffee spread through every corner of the room. Unlike in the past, when he felt uncomfortable with most scents, including perfumes, due to his resistance to pheromones, he had recently begun to enjoy fragrances.
It had started with Lee Hyun’s pheromones and his body scent, but if Lee Hyun hadn’t accepted him, he wouldn’t have had the leisure to find solace in the scent of coffee. No, it wasn’t about the scent of coffee.
He would likely have denied his identity as an Alpha and a Ghost even more strongly than before. Almost to the point of hatred. He might have even tried to escape the influence of pheromones by ignoring warnings and taking excessive suppressants, damaging his sense of smell. Without his forgiveness, he wouldn’t have his current self or the hope for the future he now possessed.
He had never imagined a life where accepting himself became possible by having someone embrace his mistakes and his very existence. He had once considered it a dependent act, entrusting his self-worth to others.
But now, Rau could no longer criticize lovers who strove to confirm affection from their partners. Instead, he empathized with their feelings more than anyone else.
Rau returned to the dining table with two cups of coffee and handed one to Manager Han across from him.
Come to think of it, the place where he had intentionally opened up his pheromones to Lee Hyun for the first time was right in front of this dining table. Back then, Rau himself had been sitting where Manager Han was now, and Lee Hyun had been in Rau’s current seat.
Thinking of Lee Hyun from when they had first met, his lips tickled. Rau brought the mug to his lips, trying to hide the smile that escaped uncontrollably.
He hadn’t been generous in accepting new people into his daily life and his world. Perhaps because people who used others as means or who were two-faced often appeared around him and his parents, it took a long time for him to trust someone. He thought it was more efficient, both emotionally and time-wise, to set standards from the beginning and accept only those who met them, rather than going through the process of filtering people after starting with unconditional trust and experiencing repeated disappointments.
He had tried to approach Lee Hyun with such ingrained inertia, but it wasn’t long before he had to admit that Lee Hyun was a harmless presence.
While he seemed to approach every stimulus around him cautiously, he also didn’t hide his curiosity, which was different from most people with passive personalities. He wasn’t bold or sociable, but he wasn’t reclusive either. His quiet lips, which never complained, made him search with his eyes to see if Lee Hyun was silently overexerting himself somewhere.
It wasn’t difficult to make a good first impression. Most people could skillfully hide their flaws up to a certain point. He had tried to stop himself from accepting Lee Hyun so quickly, but it was in vain.
He had even felt a sense of anxiety about whether Choi In-woo and romantic entanglements would get involved between them. At the time, he had no intention of admitting it, nor did he try to understand the reason.
Recalling how he had spoken to Lee Hyun, who was sitting in this very spot, about Choi In-woo’s casualness and recklessness in relationships, pretending it was casual advice because he felt uneasy just watching, a puff of air escaped his lips in a hollow laugh of self-disgust. He was fortunate that Lee Hyun, at the time, was too oblivious to romantic affairs to perceive it as a man’s ugly possessiveness.
“Here.”
“…….”
Rau’s reverie was interrupted when Manager Han handed him a file from across the table.
“It’s the report Kwon Juhan submitted.”
“Why has he been submitting so many unscheduled reports lately?”
Rau chuckled as he took the file and opened it.
“It’s the visitor age distribution for the first half of last year at Korea’s top 10 large art museums and galleries. If you flip past that, there’s also a graph detailing the age demographic changes over the past five years.”
In addition to official data, the report included figures that Juhan had personally collected from several galleries around Phantom, leveraging his connections, for which official data had not been released. The graphs, organized for easy comparison, all indicated that people in their twenties were emerging as the new primary visitors to exhibitions. While art patrons over 40 still held the purchasing power, mid-sized galleries like Phantom, which had a certain scale, could not ignore revenue from exhibitions in addition to artwork sales.
This was something Rau and Manager Han had personally experienced while visiting six or seven small galleries all day in search of new artists.
Holding an exhibition at a specific gallery did not automatically mean an artist was affiliated. Especially recently, there was a growing trend, particularly among young artists, to prioritize free work without being affiliated with galleries that maintained exclusive contract systems. Gaining recognition in the traditional art world and increasing their value was outside their interest.
Experimental art communities were not only pursuing diverse collaborations across genres but were also expanding their reach by producing small quantities of posters, postcards, notebooks, bags, phone cases, and clothing using artists’ works. For the younger generation consuming such products, art was not merely for appreciation and display but akin to an accessory that revealed their taste and individuality, and choosing and attending exhibitions that aligned with their interests was an extension of spending leisure time in a way that felt ‘like themselves.’ This was an unavoidable global trend, not just a phenomenon unique to Korea.
It was a welcome development that art, like classical music, was shedding its image as a ‘niche, sophisticated hobby’ and permeating people’s lives in more diverse forms. However, at this point, each gallery needed to consider and re-examine its identity at least once.
When it first opened, Phantom was treated as an anomaly with unconventional management principles, but currently, Phantom existed on the border between traditional art museums and experimental projects.
An ambiguous identity, belonging neither here nor there, unable to fully blend into either. Rau swallowed his coffee with a wry smile, thinking that Phantom, undeniably, mirrored his own life.
The report clearly showed Juhan’s ambition to steer Phantom in a more flexible direction. Within the report, Juhan clearly stated where he wanted to go.
“If I had known Kwon Juhan would come to his senses like this, I would have sent Yuni abroad much sooner.”
“Unlike Yuni, he doesn’t trust himself very much. When he’s faced with a situation he has to handle, he does it well, but until then, he doesn’t really want to step forward. I also realized this time that he’s the type who does better when given responsibility.”
Manager Han took a sip of coffee with a pleased smile, then her expression changed, and she lowered her eyes, adding calmly,
“In a way, Juhan is the one with the most fairy-tale-like obsession with Phantom. That’s why I sometimes feel sorry for him, and also guilty…”
Rau agreed with her words. Manager Han, lost in thought, was stroking the surface of her mug when she suddenly looked up at him.
“What do you want to do about the gallery’s SNS?”
It was a question about Juhan’s proposal to open and manage Phantom’s official SNS account after its reopening.
“He wants to do it. Let him, then.”
After answering, Rau, who had been drinking coffee, looked up, sensing the gaze opposite him.
“Why?”
“Because I think he’s changed a lot.”
“Kwon Juhan is working hard these days. Not just working hard, but doing it properly. We’re letting him do it because we think he’s capable of it.”
“No, that’s not exactly what I mean.”
Manager Han pushed the empty plate forward and leaned her elbows on the table, scrutinizing Rau’s face.
“He’s acting like someone who has no lingering attachment to Phantom.”
“Me?”
“It’s not that he’s lost affection, but it’s like he’s taken a step back, as if his thoughts are elsewhere…”
As if she couldn’t quite find the right words, she furrowed her brow and scratched her cheek with her index finger, then suddenly lowered her shoulders and chuckled.
“Is it because Lee Hyun isn’t here?”
Rau brought the mug to his lips and smiled at her question, which was laced with a hint of jest. But he didn’t deny it.
It wasn’t entirely wrong, but it wasn’t the whole story either. Perhaps, from the moment he had approved Juhan’s plan to open a cafe within the gallery, or even before he knew Lee Hyun had agreed to accept him, he might have unconsciously distanced himself psychologically from Phantom.
“You two have sorted things out now, right?”
“…….”
“……Right?”
Manager Han asked again, as if cautiously confirming, and her gaze fell on Rau’s left hand. Rau nodded silently.
After Rau returned from Paris at the end of last year, there had been a stir around him regarding the ring on his left ring finger.
In Korea, it wasn’t uncommon for couples to exchange rings even without a marriage proposal, so there had been speculation among them about whether Rau’s ring was a simple couple’s ring or held a deeper meaning, but Rau had remained officially silent on the matter.
It was a ring with a complex meaning, but the process that led to its complex meaning was also not simple.
“I don’t know about CEO Ryu, but I definitely want to work with Lee Hyun after he leaves ‘The Hands.’ I don’t want him to return out of a sense of obligation to repay a debt, but rather to give him the confidence that Phantom is the team that best understands and can care for his art.”
Rau pursed his lips and nodded slowly. It was a nod of understanding Manager Han’s feelings rather than agreement with the opinion itself.
“So, treat Lee Hyun well. I don’t want to lose Lee Hyun because of CEO Ryu’s personal mistake.”
At her words, Rau’s expression softened, and he smiled. It was a joke told without knowing the full truth, but it was enough to make his feet tingle.
Feeling that quite some time had passed, Rau checked his watch and stood up, holding his mug with about half the coffee left and his own plate. Manager Han’s gaze followed him.
“Stay a bit longer. Inwoo is supposed to come this way too.”
“…….”
At the mention of Inwoo’s name, Rau paused for a moment, then turned towards the sink. It was a sign of refusal.
“It’s a private meeting, but he’ll probably talk about Inwoo’s solo exhibition. Will you be there?”
“I have plans.”
“At this hour?”
Manager Han looked skeptical but didn’t press further. As Rau picked up the jacket draped over the adjacent seat and put his arm through it, heading towards the entrance, the doorbell rang.
Manager Han glanced at Rau, whose steps had slowed, then walked ahead of him and opened the front door. As expected, the visitor was Inwoo.
“Leaving?”
“Yeah.”
The two, standing awkwardly in the doorway, exchanged perfunctory greetings, barely looking at each other. Manager Han, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed, watched them and clicked her tongue.
“What’s this? Are you two still awkward?”
“Awkward about what?”
Rau denied it with a disbelieving laugh, as if there were no childish lingering resentment, but by all appearances, the atmosphere between them was far from smooth.
It had been well over a year since he heard from Inwoo that he had kissed Lee Hyun. Before he could even get jealous or confront Inwoo about it, he had to focus on Lee Hyun, whom he learned was undergoing Changing. After Lee Hyun left for Paris, the emptiness and pain had lasted so long that jealousy over a kiss felt trivial. More than anything, considering what he himself had done, criticizing Inwoo for a kiss felt like an act of someone unqualified.
They still occasionally went to a bar for drinks, and sometimes Inwoo would bring good liquor or snacks to his place, perhaps trying to make amends out of guilt, but there were still moments when seeing Inwoo’s face brought back the memory of the kiss. Each time, the fierce anger that surged up felt like it would never disappear, no matter how much time passed. Just as no amount of time could erase the fact that the man before him had kissed Lee Hyun.
“I did something that warranted it.”
Even his attitude of admitting his own fault and backing down in front of Manager Han didn’t look good. Suppressing the urge to taunt her, asking if she was boasting about serving a harsh penance, Rau took a step towards the door.
Manager Han sighed and shook her head, as if watching stubborn siblings bickering over trivial matters and then ignoring each other. She gave Rau a brief farewell and returned to the dining room first.
“You’re going to Paris in a few days, aren’t you?”
Rau, who had his hand on the doorknob, turned back.
“You didn’t hear it from Lee Hyun.”
Inwoo added, pointing in the direction Manager Han had gone, as if making an excuse.
“I don’t contact him personally or anything.”
“…….”
After hearing his definitive statement, Rau felt his heart soften somewhat, a rather base feeling. He cleared his throat.
“Why don’t you try? He’d be happy to hear from you. He has a broader heart than I do.”
“Lee Hyun is already married… or practically is.”
Inwoo’s gaze tilted diagonally towards Rau’s left hand. This time, Rau fiddled with his ring as if to protect it, lightly clenching his fist. While Lee Hyun thought about how much he could explain while standing at the entrance, that he had no responsibility for this ring, the other person hesitantly spoke first.
“If a guy, an Alpha… who has a history of surprise kissing my former marriage partner, keeps bothering me, I’d feel bad too. Just pass on my regards.”
The heart that had been softening crumpled even more grotesquely than before, like a plastic bottle stomped on with force. Rau, who had been looking down at Inwoo’s shoes, lifted his head, sweeping his hair back.
“Were you planning to call Lee Hyun and bother him?”
“……”
Inwoo had a look of regret. Rau knew that wasn’t what he meant. Rau himself couldn’t help but become more childish and confrontational, especially with Lee Hyun.
“If that’s the case, then just don’t contact me anymore. I’ll pass on your regards.”
Rau, having left the entrance, quickened his pace to make up for the time lost due to Choi In-woo.
■ ■ ■
Rau had been in the dressing room for 30 minutes already. After piling clothes on the bench-style sofa and pondering for a long time, he chose a white shirt and a dark gray sweater. As he took off his top to change, Rau paused, withdrawing the hand that had reached for the shirt. He wasn’t feeling it.
He went back to the innermost closet, where shirts were neatly arranged by color and material, and chose anew a black shirt made of a flexible material that flowed with the body, with a wide collar for a touch of flair.
It was good to look comfortable and warm, but he also wanted to look sexy. That was hard to give up.
Laying the two shirts side-by-side on the sofa, he crossed his arms and gnawed on his lower lip. After a moment of deliberation, he checked his watch; it was time to make a decision.
He hastily put on the shirt he had taken off. Rau exited the dressing room through the door leading to the hallway, not the bedroom, and hurried down the stairs, buttoning it up.
But as soon as he entered the living room, he had to pause, momentarily frozen by the blue and white imagery.
It had been a month since the painting was hung, but every time he faced it, his breath caught as if he were submerged in the sea. But the next moment, he realized he could breathe underwater. It was a sea that accepted him, allowing him to move and float freely as he pleased, like a dolphin in his childhood imagination.
The surfer, barely the size of a fingertip in the painting, was not Lee Hyun but Rau himself. The sea, expanding infinitely beyond the canvas to embrace the surfer, was Lee Hyun. At least, that’s how Rau perceived it.
With a smile, he crossed the living room, passed the dining room, and entered the kitchen, managing to button all but the top two buttons. He took out a bottle of wine from the nearly empty, sparse-looking private refrigerator. He casually checked the label once, then gathered the opener and glasses and placed them next to the laptop that had been pre-set on the dining table.
In front of a large mirror framed with bronze, leaning against the wall as an interior decoration, he checked his appearance once more. He tucked the shirt hem into his pants and rolled up the sleeves to just below his elbows. It looked too neat, so he ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up slightly. He unbuttoned the third button again, then, thinking it was too obvious, returned it to its original position with self-deprecating amusement.
He was amazed at himself, but he always trembled when this time approached. He needed to take deep breaths because breathing felt overwhelming. Anyone who knew him would surely tease him, saying it didn’t suit him.
Sitting at the laptop, Rau opened a red wine he had stocked for dessert, sweet but quite potent. He poured it about halfway into a glass and took a couple of sips to quench his thirst.
He clasped his hands together as if in prayer, covering his nose and mouth, and after a long exhale, he connected the call.
“……”
As the awaited face appeared on the black, frozen screen, his trembling subsided, and his shoulders dropped. And, without realizing it, a smile leaked out. Rau covered his mouth with his loosely clenched fist and cleared his throat a couple of times.
“Have you been well?”
The face on the screen, moving unnaturally as the connection wasn’t smooth, replied with a smile.
[We just spoke a few hours ago.]
“But I didn’t see your face then.”
Without calculating that the other person was also watching him through the lens at the top of the laptop monitor, his body kept leaning forward out of a desire to see the face on the screen more closely.
“Have you lost a little weight?”
[No….]
“Show me a little more closely.”
Although they had a regular video call date every Friday night transitioning into Saturday midnight (5 PM in Paris), it wasn’t that they never had video calls during the week. However, due to their schedules and time difference, long calls were usually difficult. Even if they heard each other’s voices and exchanged photos via messenger, sharing their daily lives, their thirst was rarely quenched.
“Are you in room 601 now?”
[Yes. I came here to concentrate without being disturbed.]
Lee Hyun’s words, reminiscent of last week’s date that had to be interrupted when Jun from the next room visited while they were exchanging intimate conversations, made Rau smile silently and fumble next to the laptop for his wine glass.
The studio Rau had prepared was a short distance, less than five minutes, from ‘The Hands.’ They called it room 601. It started as a way to distinguish it from Lee Hyun’s own studio, but now it had become a nickname. It was actually room 601, but he also liked it because it felt like a code for lovers in movies who always rented the same room in a rundown hotel on the outskirts of the city for their secret rendezvous.
Lee Hyun basically lived in his studio, but he would spend time resting or sketching in room 601 once or twice a week.
“Aren’t you cold?”
[I’ve drawn the curtains and turned on the radiator.]
“There are sweaters and sweatshirts in the closet, so put one on if you feel chilly.”
[Yes, I know.]
Rau pulled his chair closer, unable to take his eyes off Lee Hyun’s smile on the screen.
“How is the work with Ben going? Tell me about it.”
[Um, it’s just what I told you on the phone….]
Conversely, Lee Hyun leaned back slightly, cupping his mug.
Lee Hyun, who had completed two new pieces that would be hung in ‘The Hands’ exhibition hall in about ten days, had been collaborating with Ben for the past few days. It was Ben’s proposal, inspired by Lee Hyun’s new series,
The harmony and conflict that naturally and unexpectedly occurred in the process of people influencing each other, and the new energy and direction resulting from it, were the theme itself.
Rau cleared his throat and deliberately shifted his posture to be more relaxed, saying,
“You must have been tired from finishing your new works, are you sure you’re okay….”
[You know I work regularly. Regardless of the exhibition schedule, my daily workload is always consistent, so I’m not overexerting myself. It’s my first time collaborating, so it’s also fun….]
Hmm. Rau’s hand unconsciously reached for the wine glass. The ring on his left hand scraped against the glass, making a friction sound. It wasn’t very loud, but Rau habitually rubbed the ring on his ring finger with his left thumb before gripping the glass again.
It was fortunate that Ben, who had been suffering from a long slump and even considering leaving ‘The Hands,’ had regained his creative drive, but Rau had been feeling uneasy ever since Lee Hyun told him about this collaboration last Tuesday.
[You told me to talk about it first, didn’t you?]
He had tried to be careful, but perhaps his silence had been too long. Seeing Lee Hyun’s crestfallen face and hearing his voice on screen, Rau put down his glass and quickly changed his expression.
“I didn’t say anything?”
[…….]
But Lee Hyun didn’t seem to be fooled. Rau ran his hand over his face and chuckled sheepishly.
“Was it that obvious?”
[That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it.]
“No, I’m joking. I’ve been in the art world for years, how could I not understand a couple’s collaboration?”
Still, as if not entirely convinced, Lee Hyun tilted his head and glanced at the screen.
“Of course, I welcome your active artistic pursuits, but I worry about you getting sick. That’s all. Since I… can’t be there to take care of you….”
It wasn’t a lie. If he were right beside him, he wouldn’t be this concerned.
[You’re young and healthy.]
“Yes, Seo Yi-hyun, your self-care is something I need to learn from… Believe me. Even though I believe you, I can’t help but worry unnecessarily. I’ll cheer you on, Seo Yi-hyun. I won’t be jealous. Don’t be upset. Okay?”
He spoke in a playful, affectionate tone, trying to soothe him. Only then did Lee Hyun let out a small laugh.
[It’s not that I dislike… jealousy.]
“Yes, I know.”
Rau’s face, watching Lee Hyun’s smile that was unnaturally cut off on screen, also broke into a smile.
“I miss you.”
It was a murmur that escaped him without him realizing it, closer to a soliloquy than a confession to Lee Hyun.
Sometimes, the fact that he wasn’t by his side felt more than just empty; it felt strange. Even when he was attending Joo-han and the younger ones’ study sessions as an almost honorary member, or when he was looking at exhibitions with Manager Han and other galleries, or when he was socializing at tea parties or dinners at a client’s invitation… he would suddenly feel an anxiety that he was wasting time, missing the most important thing.
[We’ll see each other soon….]
Lee Hyun rubbed his arm and slightly bit his lower lip. His characteristic shy expression made Rau want to see him even more.
“Yes, I know that too… but I still miss you.”
He didn’t ask if Lee Hyun didn’t miss him, didn’t ask such a pleading question. He knew that the feeling of wanting to see him was there.
“I spoke briefly with Manager Han about Seo Yi-hyun today.”
[About what?]
“He was curious about what plans artist Seo Yi-hyun had for when he was no longer affiliated with ‘The Hands.’ Because right now, you’re an artist any gallery would want to work with. Manager Han would be especially so.”
Lee Hyun just smiled shyly, but neither Rau nor Manager Han thought he absolutely had to return as a Phantom after ‘The Hands.’ As he had told him when proposing, if Lee Hyun wanted to gain more experience, both personally and as an artist, Rau himself would not make any gesture that would shake his resolve. Since they couldn’t live like this, keeping their distance, forever, he was prepared to tidy up his surroundings and start a new life according to his future path.
“He’s not asking directly, but… he seems curious about what I did wrong to have such a period of absence. And about the ring, too.”
Looking at Lee Hyun’s neat face nodding cautiously, Rau drank more wine to suppress the uncomfortable feeling in his chest.
“It’s not something that can be hidden forever, and it shouldn’t be hidden… but it’s not just my fault that’s being revealed, so the decision isn’t easy.”
[…….]
“I know it’s an uncomfortable topic… but I didn’t bring it up to burden you.”
[I know.]
“Hiding things from you and making decisions alone. Even if it seems like a trivial matter, or even if it’s something that might inconvenience you for now, I’ve decided that from now on, I will never keep any secrets from you.”
To lighten the mood of the date he had waited for all week, Rau deliberately added a joke with a serious expression.
“Including the number of times I masturbate thinking of you.”
[You can keep the number of times you masturbate a secret.]
Fortunately, Lee Hyun laughed.
“Will you let it slide?”
[I will.]
If it were his past self, he wouldn’t even have hesitated to consider revealing what happened between them to others. Because it was a debt he had to repay to Lee Hyun, and others didn’t matter.
He had no intention of grabbing everyone he met and telling them like a self-introduction. However, there were definitely people who had the right to know his cowardly side. Confessing that would also mean revealing the heavy secret of being a Ghost. Without confessing those two things, there was no way to explain half the meaning of the ring.
[Let’s talk about that in detail when you come here, Representative. I’ll think about it more too.]
Because the revelation of Lee Hyun’s Omega transformation and its reasons was unavoidable during the confession of the Changing, Lee Hyun’s wishes had to come first, above all else. It wasn’t a matter of simply playing the role of a ‘repentant sinner,’ willing to expose his true nature to his acquaintances and accept whatever decisions they made about it.
[Um… but.]
Rau brought the wine glass to his lips, listening as Lee Hyun, unusually, attempted to change the subject first.
[I am curious about the number of times you masturbate…]
Rau, who had just swallowed the wine, hastily pushed the glass away. Thanks to his quick reflexes in pulling his chair back, he managed to avoid leaving wine stains on his jeans, but he did spill a few drops on the floor.
Lately, Lee Hyun had been surprising Rau with unexpected remarks. Lee Hyun, who had become bold in these matters even outside the reach of pheromones, felt new, but thinking about it, it had been nearly two years since they first met. Lee Hyun had also aged that much, and he couldn’t remain forever the one who blushed at the other’s lead. His original personality was introverted, but he was far from being dishonest or coy.
[I don’t want you to keep it a secret.]
Rau, wiping the wine off the floor with a tissue and returning to his seat, saw Lee Hyun’s face, which drove the point home again. While it was difficult to find a typical seductive expression on his face, Rau could sense his shyness and his effort to become bolder.
Perhaps Lee Hyun was deliberately showing more courage, not wanting to fill this time with heavy topics. In moments like these, he was so beautiful it made Rau utterly flustered.
“Ah… if that topic comes up, today’s call will be quite long.”
Rau’s exaggeration made Lee Hyun’s laugh deepen.
“I’ll just say that these days, just looking at my left hand while masturbating makes me feel like I’m about to cum.”
Rau gazed intently at Lee Hyun’s face on the screen and bit his lower lip. His rapidly beating pulse urged him to run towards him.
Rau drank his wine, while Lee Hyun drank what was presumed to be coffee from his mug. For a moment, they just gazed at each other. Sensing the tension and desire pooling between them, transcending the distance, Rau refilled his glass, which had already run dry.
His blood began to sweeten, creating an atmosphere of intimacy, as if Lee Hyun were beside him, and he could reach out and touch him. He wanted to approach him, to caress his cheek, to convey his desire for a kiss.
He wasn’t so naive as to not understand what this moment of silence after connecting the call meant.
Gazing intently at Lee Hyun, who was calmly but clearly conveying that he was no different from Rau, Rau caressed his ring and moved his lips.
“I want to smell your pheromones.”
[Me too….]
Looking at Lee Hyun, who spoke his honest feelings with hesitation, Rau relaxed his posture further and rested his elbow on the armrest.
If he were beside him now, he would calmly talk about how he wanted to kiss Lee Hyun, how he wanted to take him to bed, how he wanted to undress him, and what kind of caresses he wanted to give. He would speak in a monotone and low voice, touching his lips with his fingers, as if discussing recent serious news.
Lee Hyun listened to Rau’s story, his expression appearing bewildered at times, his eyes cast down intermittently, his lips chewed, or his mug absently gripped and released. It was clear that a strong Pheromone was emanating from him, his body restless.
A golden was not only excellent at defending against Pheromones. They could also emit powerful Pheromones capable of breaking down the opponent’s defenses. But even the Pheromones emitted by the strongest Golden Alpha and Golden Omega towards each other would not be enough to match the attraction between Lee Hyun and himself. Rau could be sure of that.
Whether it was the attraction between a Ghost and a Didi, or based on their love for each other, or a simultaneous effect of both, Rau could clearly feel his Pheromone breaking through his control and being emitted irregularly, even now when Lee Hyun was not by his side. Lee Hyun would be no different.
The distance of approximately 9,000 kilometers was cruel to two young bodies that craved each other like mad. Just by exchanging a few lewd words with Lee Hyun, or by recalling the scent of his Pheromone, his Alpha was reacting inside his jeans.
“Shall we go to the room?”
[…….]
Feeling a sticky viscosity pooling in his husky voice, Rau licked his lips.
“Shall we lie on the bed and call again on our phones?”
[…….]
Lee Hyun on the screen slowly nodded, biting his lower lip hard with his finger.
Leaving his laptop and wine as they were, Rau moved to the bedroom. Based on his experience so far, the call was bound to be long, so he moved a bottle of water, cigarettes, and a portable charger to the bedside table. He adjusted the brightness of the indirect lighting to a dim setting and took off his jeans, draping them over the sofa. He paid attention to the atmosphere, just as he would when preparing for an intimate encounter with the real Lee Hyun.
He let out a hollow laugh at himself, preparing for what was essentially a phone sex session with a lover far away, but he knew that without this, he would have been checking into a flight to Paris every weekend like before. Even if Lee Hyun scolded him, even if an angry Lee Hyun treated him coldly, he felt he couldn’t have endured it. In the era before video calls, how did people manage long-distance relationships?
Stretching his legs out and leaning against the headboard, Rau turned on the camera and checked his appearance. Imagining Lee Hyun, who would be burrowing into his bed in room 601 with anticipation for the secret date that would follow, he initiated the call.
After a brief wait, the screen showing his face shrank and moved to the upper right corner, replaced by Lee Hyun’s face. In the meantime, Lee Hyun had also moved from the table to his bed.
Rau rubbed his lips and chuckled, seeing the background on the screen where both had turned off the main lights and turned on the soft bedside lamp, as if by mutual agreement.
“Ah… we’re being too obvious about our intentions.”
He couldn’t take his eyes off Lee Hyun, who was silently laughing with his lips pressed shut. Just looking at his smile made his Pheromones go wild. Rau, with his knees bent, rested his arm holding the phone on his spread-apart legs.
“Hmm? What… did you change clothes?”
Lee Hyun was wearing a striped long-sleeved t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up a couple of times, and Rau thought he saw the collar of a white shirt peeking out near his neck.
[I borrowed it from the CEO… for a moment.]
“Move the camera back a bit. I want to see clearly.”
Even while saying it didn’t matter, Lee Hyun couldn’t quite look directly into the camera lens. After being pestered a few more times, he reluctantly reached out and showed his upper body.
Rau couldn’t hide his laughter and rubbed his entire lower face with his large hand. Lee Hyun was clearly wearing his shirt. It was one of the spare clothes kept in room 601’s closet.
[Wearing this… makes me feel like we’re together a little…]
Lee Hyun said it as if making an excuse, but there were sweaters and t-shirts in the closet that would have been more comfortable to wear in bed. If he wanted to feel like they were together by wearing his clothes, there was no need for an uncomfortable shirt. The urge to ask a teasing question and see Lee Hyun flustered arose, but he swallowed it down with a dry gulp.
Just as he had spent over 30 minutes choosing clothes for their video call date, the fact that Lee Hyun was also conscious of his own appearance in his eyes made him look even more lovable.
Lee Hyun, wearing the shirt with the top two buttons undone, pulled at the loose collar and buried his nose and mouth in it.
“It probably just smells of detergent and fabric softener.”
Though he spoke as if he felt no stimulation or arousal in this situation, Rau, unseen by Lee Hyun, slid his hand between his legs. He squeezed it a couple of times as if to control his rapidly growing erection, all the while watching Lee Hyun.
[It’s just… everything about you smells good, so…]
Rau couldn’t quite empathize with the psychology of being enthralled by his lover wearing his loose shirt. He didn’t understand how such a cliché, classic seduction could be stimulating. But classics were classics for a reason.
He didn’t feel a protective instinct from Lee Hyun wearing his shirt, which didn’t fit his shoulder line and was baggy. It was closer to the intimacy and sense of belonging that came from sharing something he owned with someone.
He felt a deep closeness from seeing him relax in a place he used, wearing his clothes without hesitation. And there was a different kind of sexiness in that closeness than the tension or excitement of maintaining distance. He wanted Lee Hyun to belong to him more, to be unequivocally his. It seemed that way from a long time ago, even before he was conscious of this sense of belonging.
“Just seeing you wearing that shirt, Seo Yi-hyun, I think I could cum two or three times.”
Lee Hyun, perhaps taking Rau’s words as a joke, smiled, his eyes crinkling. Seeing Lee Hyun, who was leaning against a large white pillow, wearing a white shirt, a playful and secret curiosity suddenly flickered across his smiling face.
[So… how many times did you?]
“……”
Confused about what he was talking about, Rau briefly searched his memory. He recalled their phone call from downstairs where they had discussed ‘masturbation frequency’ and burst into laughter.
“If I tell you, you’ll probably see me as a beast.”
[I won’t.]
You know the CEO’s libido well enough. Lee Hyun added, his eyes darting down slightly, as if he were fiddling with the hem of the shirt.
“I want to be clear, it’s true that Alphas have strong libidos, but the reason I’ve been masturbating more often lately is because I’m separated from you, not just a simple matter of libido.”
What I want is Seo Yi-hyun, not to relieve my libido. Rau stated clearly, almost with a sense of injustice, and Lee Hyun nodded with a smile.
[Then… since it’s average, just tell me the number of times you’ve cum in one go.]
“Through masturbation?”
Lee Hyun nodded.
“From when you returned from Paris until now?”
The lover on screen, nodding vigorously, seemed to be enjoying himself by putting Rau in a difficult position. Rau had struggled to suppress his urge to tease, and here Lee Hyun was, cornering him and finding it amusing. He felt a sense of injustice, but honestly, he welcomed Lee Hyun’s teasing if it went in this direction.
“Last week, after our date ended, I did it about six more times on my own.”
[…….]
Lee Hyun’s surprised face moved further away, and the screen shook violently. Rau swept his falling hair back and pointed at the screen with his index finger.
“You think I’m a beast now, don’t you?”
[…….]
Lee Hyun quickly denied it, but the brief moment of hesitation and his rolling eyes couldn’t be erased. He muttered in disbelief.
[But even during our calls, twice…]
At the same time last week, they had shared intimate moments, stimulating each other through the screen. As Lee Hyun said, Rau had cum twice during the call, but it was far from enough.
Unless it was a proper, hours-long sex session involving insertion and knotting repeatedly, enduring Lee Hyun’s body’s length and weight after foreplay and lengthy arousal. Masturbation, just rubbing his penis to climax, couldn’t resolve anything. Nor could he ask Lee Hyun to watch him masturbate until he was somewhat satisfied.
“It’s not usually like that. I can live by controlling it with a libido typical of an ordinary male Beta. But lately…”
[I know. It’s because of me. That’s why I don’t hate it. Rather…]
Lee Hyun, who now possessed systematic and professional knowledge of Alphas and Omegas, would know that his current state was one of heightened sexual arousal triggered by a specific Omega he was interacting with.
Lee Hyun, who had trailed off and lowered his gaze, suddenly regained his vitality and met Rau’s eyes again.
[Actually, there’s something I’ve been curious about for a long time… Please answer without laughing.]
“Yes.”
Lee Hyun chuckled at the compliant answer, cleared his throat several times, and rolled his eyes, hesitating about what he was about to say.
[CEO, no, Kun… have you ever had sex until your penis naturally went completely limp?]
“……”
It was an unexpected question. Rau, who was rarely flustered by anything, couldn’t help but flinch back when he heard the question. It was even more so because Lee Hyun’s expression and tone indicated genuine curiosity, not a sexual joke to warm up the mood before getting serious about masturbation.
[I’m not trying to pry into past experiences…]
“Of course, I know that.”
Rau rubbed under his chin, furrowing his brow. It wasn’t common for Lee Hyun to ask about such things. He wanted to answer the question honestly. It was something he had lived without conscious thought, so he had to search his memory for a long time to give an accurate answer.
“No.”
[Never?]
“Never.”
Lee Hyun, confirming again, let out a ‘hmm…’ and sighed, running a hand through his hair with a thoughtful expression. His hand stopped behind his ear, and Rau could tell he was trying to suppress a smile spreading across his lips.
Perhaps his lover wanted to confirm some kind of first. Rau lightly bumped his forehead against the top of the phone resting on his knee.
“No one’s Pheromone has ever broken through my defenses.”
[…….]
“It was the first time I found another person’s Pheromone not unpleasant, and the first time I couldn’t control knotting and changing at all…”
Rau briefly looked at a painting hanging on the wall opposite the bed, beyond the phone screen.
The painting that had comforted him when he was rigid with the alienation of being different from everyone else, and the owner of that painting, whom he had desperately desired, even if it meant destroying and demolishing his existing self, built with all his might. And the one who had given him another chance on the ruins by choosing a future with the broken self…
That painting and its owner were now within his sight. It wasn’t luck that he had somehow found them. Though Rau didn’t believe in fate or destiny, tracing the journey of meeting his Didi against incredibly slim odds, the being before him was inexplicable in ordinary language.
As he had sex with Lee Hyun, his Pheromone had also rapidly intensified. Not long after the first knotting, he could no longer suppress changing during insertion, no matter what he did. Therefore, he had to tell him. There was no other way to stop the changing.
A Beta who had so easily broken down the defenses that no Golden Omega had ever overcome.
At the time, he hadn’t realized it, but when under Lee Hyun’s Pheromone’s influence, he was like an Alpha in rut, in essence.
An Alpha possessed by the reproductive instinct to mix Pheromones with the Omega before him and ejaculate into his body multiple times, completely discarding reason and learned social skills.
Even an Alpha who was usually gentle, docile, and affectionate would prioritize instinct in a state of rut. The same applied to an Omega in heat. It was a state of heat that Betas found most difficult to understand, and one that Rau himself had most wanted to avoid, never wanting to become.
Yet, how could he not feel any displeasure the moment he was conquered by his Pheromones?
His lover, Seo Yi-hyun, still didn’t seem to fully grasp the absolute meaning and influence he represented, the one who was the first and the absolute in ways that couldn’t be fully explained by any words. But what did it matter? He was prepared to repeat it as many times as Lee Hyun wanted to know, for the rest of his life.
“You’ve always been curious about things like that, Seo Yi-hyun, lying there as if you don’t even have the strength to lift a finger.”
Leaning forward towards Lee Hyun in his hand, Rau smiled somewhat mischievously.
[I just thought… even right after knotting, Kun is always erect, so I wondered if you weren’t satisfied…]
Lee Hyun, avoiding his gaze and rubbing his neck, was deliberately teasing him, it seemed.
“First, I’d like you to do something about this erection. I don’t know about you, Seo Yi-hyun, but I’ve been…”
Rau paused for a moment and angled the phone downwards. He revealed the bulge of his erection pressing firmly against his briefs. The shape of his glans was clearly visible through the fabric, fully engorged.
“I’m in this state.”
In the screen, now brought back towards his face, Lee Hyun also had a clearly aroused expression.
Rau adjusted the camera’s position to an angle he thought made his face look better and tilted his head slightly. He felt a slight disgust at his own cheap seduction, using his face to further arouse the other’s libido.
“I want to make you like this too, Seo Yi-hyun. What should I do?”
Lee Hyun burst into laughter at the passive statement, as if ready to move as Rau wished. The vibration of his laughter seemed to resonate through Rau’s erection.
[Hmm… please unbutton your shirt.]
As soon as the command was given, Rau reached for the shirt buttons without hesitation. The top two buttons were already undone. He held the phone up towards the ceiling, showing his upper body more broadly from top to bottom, and quickly unbuttoned the third button downwards. He slipped his hand through the opening and stroked his chest widely. Lee Hyun let out a low laugh at the provocative pose, but that laugh had long since moved beyond mere amusement or pleasure.
Leaning back loosely, half-lying down, he slowly stroked his entire upper body and whispered to Lee Hyun on screen.
“I wish… you were on my stomach right now.”
[…….]
Rau’s voice had already deepened. He pushed the parted shirt further outwards, increasing the exposure. His breath, taken in deep, slow gasps, accentuated the muscles of his abdomen as he rubbed them, confessing his desire to Lee Hyun.
“I wish you would sit on my stomach… lean your upper body over my chest… and touch my face.”
Lee Hyun on screen parted his lips, then bit them hard. His thighs tensed, wanting to suck on the red flesh.
Listening to each other’s gradually faltering breaths, they focused on each other’s appearance. Unlike actual sex, they could now edit and show only the desired parts to the other. The image within the 6-inch frame was what Lee Hyun wanted to show him, and conversely, Lee Hyun outside the screen was what he wanted to hide. What he wanted to hide, but would soon reveal.
Lee Hyun’s hand hesitantly moved to his lips. Watching Lee Hyun pinch and twist the flesh between his fingers, just as he used to do for him, Rau stroked his erection through his briefs outside the screen. Even just slowly tracing his stiffly erect penis, which seemed about to burst through his underwear, made his hips writhe, wanting insertion.
Fixing his gaze on Lee Hyun, he asked.
“If you do that… does it feel like kissing me?”
Lee Hyun shook his head.
[It’s not enough.]
At Lee Hyun’s voice, which sounded like a spoiled child, a sound rarely heard unless they were about to have sex, Rau let out a low groan and slipped his hand inside the waistband of his underwear.
With Lee Hyun’s body absent, there was nothing to do but the trivial act of immediately stimulating his own genitals. To get an erection, there was actually no need to create friction and rub. It was enough for Lee Hyun to say a few words and smile, and he would get hard so easily it was a problem.
“Have you ever… masturbated while watching the video we filmed together before?”
[…….]
Lee Hyun didn’t answer, but his eyes, cast downward, already spoke of affirmation. The mere thought of Lee Hyun playing that video, filmed long ago, and comforting himself caused pre-cum to surge and spill, wetting his hand as it ran down his penis. He tensed his buttock muscles as if he were about to thrust his penis somewhere immediately, but there was nowhere to apply the force.
“Like that time… I want to kiss you.”
[Hngh… hngh…]
Perhaps recalling the kissing scene in the video, Lee Hyun moaned low and contorted his face. Then he pushed a finger or so into his mouth, twisting his lips. He was relaxing, slowly coming undone.
“Your tongue… try taking it out and rubbing.”
After a moment of apparent hesitation, Lee Hyun opened his lips, still with his finger inside. A moist, red mass emerged, and his middle and index fingers rolled over it with panting breaths.
Rau focused on Lee Hyun’s movements, feeling heat in his eyes. Ha… Hngh… Huu… Adjusting his breathing as if lifting heavy weights, he pushed down the waistband of his briefs and pulled out his penis. The screen only showed up to his pelvis, to the border where his pubic hair was starting to grow thick, but Rau knew Lee Hyun could fully guess what was happening between his legs just from the movements of his own wrist and arm toward the center of his body.
Lee Hyun’s shoulders also twitched intermittently as he rubbed his tongue. The thrilling sensation in his lower body was likely causing his sensitive body to flinch.
Lee Hyun’s finger, slick with saliva, disappeared from the screen. Then his lips parted as if he wanted to say something. Rau unconsciously stuck out his tongue and licked his lips, wanting to kiss Lee Hyun’s slowly blinking eyelids. Driven by the desire to suck each other’s tongues, they kept moistening their lips, regardless of who it was.
The penis in his hand was hard, as if about to explode. He wanted penetration. He wanted to reach climax through friction, being squeezed and pressed by Lee Hyun’s inner walls, not this kind of hand-play.
Already finding it difficult to hold his phone properly, Lee Hyun let his left arm hang down. He propped his phone on the mattress, angling it from below to capture himself from below. Lee Hyun’s upper body, wearing a white shirt that revealed the nape of his neck, filled half the screen. He slightly lowered his head, looking down at the lens, and whispered in a small voice.
[Sound…]
“Can you hear it?”
A wet, squelching sound, like wading through a shallow puddle, arose from below as his penis was quickly stroked. It was obvious he could hear it too, and though Rau was deliberately controlling the pressure of his hand to create that squelching noise, he pretended not to know and insisted on confirmation.
Lee Hyun glanced at the screen and nodded.
[Show me. I want to see…]
As he requested, Rau changed the phone’s direction. His penis was so stiff it stood straight up towards the ceiling without him even holding it. He slowly stroked from the root, veins bulging, all the way up to the glans. The scene of the pre-cum, which had been flowing over his entire penis, being pushed back up by Rau’s hand gripping the shaft was fully exposed on screen.
He wanted to provoke Lee Hyun more. He wanted Lee Hyun to desire him more, to be captivated by his sexual prowess. It wasn’t a reckless bravado of having nothing but his body, but a desire to appeal with his sexual ability. He knew it was a crude and vulgar approach, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted Lee Hyun to deem him more useful than any other man around.
He knew Lee Hyun always glanced when his penis moved. Rau pulled his penis down towards his lower abdomen and released it, showcasing its elasticity. Each time it sprang up in an arc towards his testicles, pre-cum splattered. He even gripped the base and shook it more overtly. The penis, excessively heavy and long, bobbed sluggishly and panted on screen, appearing even more lewd.
Just the awareness that Lee Hyun was watching made his entire penis throb.
He wondered what expression Lee Hyun had as he watched this grotesque object, this lewd show. Rau adjusted the phone’s direction to show his upper body, starting from below his groin. His face wasn’t fully captured on screen, but he could see Lee Hyun’s contorted, moaning face. Lee Hyun had slid further down than before, gasping for breath.
Meanwhile, all the buttons on his shirt were undone, and his white chest peeked out from between the parted fabric. Lee Hyun’s areolae were glistening, perhaps from being rubbed with a saliva-covered finger.
“Did you touch your nipples?”
[…….]
Realizing Rau was watching, Lee Hyun disappeared from view. The screen shook chaotically. When Lee Hyun reappeared, he was biting his lower lip tightly, as if about to burst into tears. The screen, showing Lee Hyun from a 45-degree angle rather than straight on, still shook unstably up and down, left and right. The twitching of his right shoulder, with his arm extended downwards and not holding the phone, was significant.
“Seo Yi-hyun, what are you doing now?”
[Heeu, hugh. Hngh….]
Lee Hyun shook his head without answering. Yet, he kept glancing at the screen, unable to tear his eyes away from Rau’s penis.
“Lee Hyun-ah, show me down there.”
[N-no… hugh….]
Lee Hyun lifted his chin and moaned, and simultaneously the phone tilted, making him disappear and reappear from view. Rau was impatient.
“We’re having sex right now. I showed you everything.”
[…….]
Lee Hyun turned his head further to look at the screen. It seemed he was resting the phone on his left knee, and the face reflected on the screen was almost a profile. It was an angle that required him to spread his legs quite wide.
Lee Hyun’s face, looking at himself through the lens, was flushed a deep red. His cheeks, lips, and even the tip of his tongue looked moist and hot, making Rau want to leap into the screen.
“Show me.”
[…….]
It was a voice filled with desperate pleading.
The screen shook chaotically, like a video filmed hastily by a terrible amateur. Then, in the next moment, Rau spat out a curse and had to grip the base of his penis at the scene that filled the screen. His upper body jolted involuntarily.
Unable to reveal it completely naked, the lens, tilted from above, showed Lee Hyun’s area between his legs.
Lee Hyun, with his knees bent wide apart and leaning his upper body against a large pillow, had his hips pushed back. He wrapped his arm from the outside of his thigh and inserted his middle finger into his anus.
A moist sheen flowed from the black pubic hair, contrasting with his clean white skin. His smooth lower abdomen rose and fell repeatedly, and his reddened, swollen penis, revealed through the parted shirt, gave an even more intimate impression. Due to the half-reclining posture against the pillow, his erect penis rested against his lower abdomen. The screen thus showed only his spread thighs and penis.
[Hngh… hugh, hngh….]
Lee Hyun’s groans overlapped with the screen, and Rau’s pulse quickened rapidly. The penis gripped at the base throbbed, spilling pre-cum.
“Can you show me… more closely?”
His dry, cracked voice trembled slightly as he suppressed his intense passion.
Rau knew the sensation Lee Hyun’s finger was exploring. The moist lubrication, the winding passage of the mucosa clinging wetly. He felt jealous of Lee Hyun’s finger. He wanted to see more.
“Seo Yi-hyun….”
He brought the phone, which had been showing his penis, closer to his face, urging and begging. Lee Hyun’s face was not visible, but his gasping moans made Rau even more anxious.
[Hngh, hngh… Ku, Kun….]
“Ah, Lee Hyun-ah.”
At the end of his voice, which sounded strained as he called for Rau, the wide shot of the screen suddenly narrowed. This time, it was extremely close. The densely packed folds inside and the movement of his finger bones were vivid, as if seen up close. Rau instinctively took a deep breath, feeling as if he were burying his face in Lee Hyun’s perineum.
The pre-cum seeping around Lee Hyun’s fingers flowed down his hand, between his spread legs, and dripped down the spread. The amount of lubrication, as much as the pre-cum flowing from Rau’s glans, dripped incessantly, as if something had burst inside, as if something was wrong.
“I’m going crazy.”
Rau threw his head back, hitting the headboard with the back of his head, and muttered through clenched teeth.
[Hngh, hngh, Kun….]
Lee Hyun’s unseen face, calling for him with a voice full of longing, made him frantic. He didn’t know how to handle the abnormal level of arousal caused by pheromones, lacking experience. He wanted to do something about Lee Hyun’s body, which was wriggling while blocking his leaking anus, but he was 9,000 kilometers away.
“Lee Hyun-ah, I want to suck you.”
[Haa, hngh… Hngh.]
He swallowed several times, but his throat remained parched. With an arousal that felt like his veins were about to burst, Rau panted and stroked his penis rapidly. The pheromones coursing through his veins craved Lee Hyun. As a Ghost, he craved Didi. He roared as if self-harming, banging against walls in every direction, demanding to be brought before him.
“Seo Yi-hyun, I want to suck that part of you until it turns red and soft.”
[Do it…. Suck me…. Awi, make it soft.]
When they were together, Lee Hyun rarely asked for anything during sex. It was because Rau wouldn’t leave him alone before he could ask for any kind of caress.
But it was different during phone sex. They had to ask for impossible physical contact to reach climax through each other, who were not present. They had to heighten their pleasure by imagining the other’s tongue delving into their private parts and licking, just by asking and responding. Rau, too, had to be satisfied with imagining pulling out Lee Hyun’s clumsily probing fingers and instead thrusting his own tongue in, relentlessly attacking his most vulnerable spot. For Betas, he didn’t know, but for Alphas and Omegas under the influence of pheromones, it was torture.
“My pheromones right now… feel like they’re about to explode.”
Rau scowled, gripping his penis and arching his back high. Even without being directly affected by Lee Hyun’s pheromones, he couldn’t control his pheromone secretion. His control over himself had never functioned properly when it came to Lee Hyun.
“I want you to smell this. I want to see you go crazy after smelling it.”
[I want to smell it…. Awi’s pheromones, it feels like… they’re still here.]
Though he didn’t seem to realize it himself, Lee Hyun’s anus was pulsing. It was softening. He was going mad, wanting to enter that opening that was preparing to receive him and fluttering towards him. He wanted to be covered in Lee Hyun’s pheromones and tangle with him like beasts all night.
“Me too…. I feel buried between Seo Yi-hyun’s legs…. Lee Hyun-ah, spread them wider. Let me… in.”
Unable to suppress his surging instinct any longer, Rau sat up, propping his phone on the mattress. Kneeling, he spread his legs wide, resting his buttocks on his heels, and cupped his penis with his right hand. Unlike most Beta men, he couldn’t release the heat he felt by merely stroking his penis to ejaculation. To expend more energy, he thrust his hips, looking down at the phone showing the space between Lee Hyun’s legs.
Lee Hyun inserted another finger into his anus. Watching the opening, which accepted his fingers smoothly without resistance, Rau licked his lips.
[Hngh, mm… hugh….]
Lee Hyun’s moans deepened, bordering on sobs.
Lee Hyun, carefully spreading his fingers inside, rubbed his buttocks on the sheet. Milky, cloudy lubrication dripped from the horizontally elongated oval opening. Rau, clenching his left fist so hard his nails dug into his flesh, collapsed his upper body onto the mattress.
He wanted to thrust his thrashing penis into Lee Hyun’s narrow body and shake his hips as if to break the bed. His entire body felt bound by suffocating chains.
The desire to enter Lee Hyun’s body, which was transforming into an Omega, the thirst for union with his Didi, was insufficient to be described as mere lust. It felt as directly connected to life as the instinct to breathe. As if he would die if he couldn’t touch him.
He wanted to hold that body tightly and thrust inside for hours all night. He wanted to rub his penis countless times against the inner walls, completely melted and sweet with the mixed pre-cum, his immense volume of semen, and Lee Hyun’s own secretions, making him writhe, and to knot him repeatedly. Even if he became the kind of Alpha he despised, whose mind was a mess of combinations and arrangements, leaving only instinct, it didn’t matter if the other person was Lee Hyun.
Lying face down on the mattress, listening to Lee Hyun’s strained moans, Rau wiped his face several times.
“Lee Hyun-ah… it’s hard, isn’t it? Try putting your fingers in and out…. Like I did for you, okay? You’ll feel better if you come quickly….”
[Hngh, hngh… No… I want you to put it in…. I want Awi to do it…. I don’t like this, I don’t like it…. Rub me…. I want to knot…. Awi, do it….]
At the end of his incoherent rambling, completely outside the bounds of reason, Lee Hyun dropped his phone. The screen aimlessly showed the ceiling, but the sounds of insertion into his depths and his sobbing moans continued.
“Lee Hyun-ah… I’m sorry…. I’m… a truly terrible person….”
[Kun… Kuun… Haa, eu, Awi….]
Lee Hyun’s voice, calling for him as if in distress and danger rather than sexual excitement, made Rau feel like he was going mad. His penis was racing towards ejaculation, but at the same time, his chest ached with pain.
From beyond the screen, where he couldn’t see, Lee Hyun seemed to reach his climax, and for a while, only weak, languid moans, barely continuous, were heard.
Tearing at the sheets and thrusting his hips aimlessly without a target, Rau also reached his own climax, but he felt neither physically nor emotionally satisfied.
This was their third phone sex session, and Lee Hyun had captivated him each time with a more honest and sexy demeanor, but even amidst the stimulation of lewd words and daring visuals, and even at the moment of ejaculation, what he wanted most was always an embrace and a kiss.
He wanted to hold him, to kiss him. He wanted to fulfill Lee Hyun’s every desire. He wanted to brush back his hair as he trembled and gasped for breath after reaching orgasm, and to feel the convulsing interior for a long time.
Still gripping his penis, which had not subsided at all after ejaculation, Rau, lying face down on the sheets, gazed at the ring on his left hand and fiddled with it.
“I want to see you.”
Again, it was less a confession to Lee Hyun and more an utterance that escaped his lips, an outpouring of emotions that had accumulated in his heart beyond what he could store. He wasn’t even sure if Lee Hyun, who was wriggling on the sheets, still trembling after his orgasm, had heard his soliloquy.
He picked up the phone, which was lying face up towards the ceiling, and turned the screen sideways to capture his own face. Lee Hyun, lying on his side on the pillow, was looking at him through the lens, having been watching the screen for some time.
“Was it good?”
Lee Hyun smiled faintly, his face slick with sweat. He looked troubled, unable to say whether it was good or not. His face also seemed to desire his touch, his body filled with unreleased passion.
“Your insides are probably still twitching. Right?”
Hearing those words, Lee Hyun bit his lip and lowered his gaze, as if his lower body was reacting. Then, as if to change the subject, he swept back the hair clinging to his face and asked playfully with a smile.
[Today… how many more times do you think we’ll do this later?]
Pretending his reason had returned after ejaculation, but his voice still held a tremor.
Rau, who had been lying with his cheek against the sheet, pushed himself up on his elbows.
Resting on his elbows, he propped himself up, interlacing his fingers and ruffling his hair. Rau then bit his lower lip, narrowed his eyes, and stared into space as if lost in thought.
“Hmm… I don’t want to today.”
[Liar.]
Rau reached out and caressed Lee Hyun’s face on the screen, who was laughing mockingly with an expression of disbelief. It didn’t matter if he took it as a joke. No, he actually hoped he wouldn’t know the full extent of his loneliness. Knowing just enough to confirm affection was sufficient.
“We’re meeting in a few days, so I’m going to practice abstinence starting today.”
[Uh… I don’t think you need to. I won’t tease you. It could be bad for your health…]
Watching Lee Hyun, who was earnestly trying to persuade him with a stiffened expression, perhaps fearing the sexual desire that would be unleashed upon him after a few days of abstinence, Rau felt like kissing the screen. He was surprised at himself for so naturally wanting the kind of affection he had once scorned as a childish and over-the-top way of showing love.
Instead of confessing that even masturbation now felt like self-deprecating confirmation of his absence, Rau puckered his lips and pushed them forward, braving his shyness and self-consciousness.
[…….]
Lee Hyun, understanding what he wanted, buried his face in a pillow and let out a soft chuckle. Rau knew it was an unbecoming act, but since he had decided to be childish, he waited without giving up. Lee Hyun turned back to the screen, his face still full of laughter, and rolled his eyes, clearing his throat a couple of times as if contemplating whether to grant his wish. Then, he pursed his lips and leaned in, only to pull back with a distinct smack sound.
He disappeared from the screen for a moment, accompanied by a muffled groan, perhaps out of embarrassment. Listening to Lee Hyun’s muffled laughter from his pillow, Rau also shook his shoulders and chuckled. They were both aware they were acting out of character, but Rau defended Lee Hyun and himself with the thought that such a degree of childishness was permissible occasionally in a long-distance relationship spanning 9,000 kilometers.
“Just so you know, I’m not letting you sleep all week. No, even if Seo Yi-hyun falls asleep, I’ll keep going.”
He declared to Lee Hyun, who had returned to the screen, in a voice that sounded as if he had a stuffy nose, like a child.
The number 9,000 kilometers was less a physical problem for Rau and more an emotional one. It was more painful than he had anticipated, but he always took care to phrase it so that Lee Hyun would perceive it as mere longing associated with a long-distance relationship. Compared to the days when he had to fly to Paris every weekend just to steal glances of him before returning, this was a happy, dreamlike pain that was well worth enduring.
3 – Section 4
[Public Fund Management]@Wony
■ PARIS ■
The collaborative work proceeded in a relay format.
Lee Hyun, who had faced the canvas first without any prior planning, used a palette knife to imbue the entire canvas with a deep blue image, emphasizing a rough texture. Ben then collaged photographs of the night sky’s clouds, enhanced with graphic effects. As if they had agreed on a specific theme from the start, the deep indigo of the abyssal sea and the night sky harmonized, pointing in the same direction.
Lee Hyun, taking it back, was in the process of blurring the boundaries between the background and the photographs by overpainting the connection points and adding three-dimensional clouds using gesso and paint.
Ben’s photographs were printed on a dedicated canvas using UV flatbed printing, making it possible to work with oil paints on top. Lee Hyun chuckled to himself, thinking this was perhaps the most modern art technique he had personally experienced.
When he had cautiously decided to start painting again, he couldn’t have imagined collaborative work with others, let alone a fusion with different genres. He hadn’t even been sure if he could truly paint again.
“Even before you knew about Changing, you knew you had to go to Paris.”
Rau’s words in the car, on the rainy beach of Donghae, were right. He shouldn’t have given up the opportunity he had earned by settling within the boundaries he provided, out of fear of physical distance. His subconscious knew this, which was why he hadn’t told him about ‘The Hands’ offer, using the excuse that his mind wouldn’t change even if they discussed it.
The embrace of the first love he experienced was comforting.
He felt compensated for his past within Rau’s unconditional acceptance and understanding. The protection of someone who possessed life experience and the conviction verified through that experience held a different kind of power than the bonds shared with peers. If he hadn’t pushed forward somewhat recklessly, he wouldn’t have even considered painting again at that time.
However, the past, which was not his fault, could not be compensated by him. Nor should it have been.
Lee Hyun paused his brushwork for a moment, straightened his back, and walked over to the table by the entrance. He slightly increased the volume of the music playing through the Bluetooth speaker in the studio and stretched for a bit while drinking his cold coffee.
In the spacious, open, L-shaped studio, Lee Hyun was the only one present, aside from one person working on sculpture. The space was silent, with only the music, devoid of footsteps or the small sounds of tools being set down and picked up. The colleague working on the other side, out of his line of sight, might have already returned to their room.
The coffee was already cold, but Lee Hyun cradled the mug as if warmth were emanating from it and looked back at the work he had been engaged in moments before.
The canvas, 250 centimeters wide and 180 centimeters tall, was a large size Lee Hyun had never handled before. However, since it wasn’t a method of precise depiction, filling the canvas wasn’t overwhelming despite its size.
But to handle this size in his usual solo working method would require considerable mental and physical concentration and expenditure. The experience of boldly filling the large surface with a knife was new, but this work was also quite helpful in re-examining his own shortcomings. He wanted to build more stamina and felt the need for deeper study into color mixing.
Rather than having a fixed style yet, he wanted to naturally reflect his changes in his paintings. Even if it drew criticism from art critics labeling him an amateur who couldn’t show a unique style (and indeed, there were quite a few critics who viewed Lee Hyun unfavorably from that perspective).
The only rule Ben and Lee Hyun had set for this work was to focus solely on the rhythm guided by the lens and brush, without trying to convey anything or implant meaning.
Abandoning the intention or design of how to fill the work and relying solely on the sensation in his fingertips was an impossible method for the Lee Hyun of the past, shortly after joining ‘The Hands’. At that time, he believed that meticulous planning beforehand and expressing it without error was the only courtesy, diligence, and seriousness towards art. According to his colleagues, it was a period of monastic strictness.
Lee Hyun remembered the decisive turning point that made it possible to naturally transfer his current self onto the canvas without doubt.
Just as an athlete trains at the same time every day, regardless of the weather or condition, Lee Hyun had come down to the studio at his usual time that day. He chose a canvas and sat before the easel, following his routine of continuing sketches, whether drawing or coloring, until a specific plan emerged. He had a light intention, just to warm up his hands.
The size of the canvas, the color combinations on the palette wrapped in plastic, the selection of appropriate techniques. He moved without hesitation, as if following a perfect plan, without having to strain to think about any of it. He felt like a dancer who could move his body as he wished to express himself, or a singer who could wield his voice like an instrument.
Like the sex with Rau, which broke all taboos and the frameworks of learned socialization, allowing him to feel liberation and freedom, what he painted was
And while painting it, he knew it was time to face him again, that he wanted it.
Just as no special awakening is needed to realize hunger and the need for sleep, no forceful power is needed for a rosebud whose flower buds have matured to bloom. It was very natural.
The clarity he felt then, as if all doubts about his choices had been cleansed away, remained not in his head, but in his body, on his palms, cheeks, and lips, and deeper within. It was an experience that had become a part of him, not a temporary phenomenon that disappeared.
Lee Hyun put down his mug, picked up his brush again, and knelt before the canvas. He could only finally put down his brush after the Jeff Beck album
As he was in the midst of intense concentration, the distant music slowly entered his ears. The introduction to the final track,
After about 30 minutes of cleaning up, Lee Hyun finally left the second-floor studio. He hadn’t intended to, but having skipped dinner and focused on finishing, it was a full seven-hour escape. Some of his colleagues would often lock themselves in the studio for twenty hours when they felt inspired, but this was very rare for Lee Hyun. He felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him, perhaps because he had been conscious of his working hours.
“Seo Yi-hyun.”
As he was about to step onto the stairs leading to the third floor, Lee Hyun gripped the railing and looked down at the landing below. Yuni, dressed comfortably in jeans and a thick checkered jacket, was coming up the stairs carrying a small bouquet of flowers. She looked like she was returning from a date.
“What’s up? You were in the studio this late?”
“Yeah. I finished the collaborative work with Ben today.”
Looking down at the flowers in her hand, Yuni extended the bouquet towards Lee Hyun as if bestowing a favor, telling him to smell them.
The roses were a faded pink zinnia. They were the flowers that had decorated the terrace when Rau proposed.
Lee Hyun bowed his head towards the simple bouquet, which was nothing more than OPP plastic wrapped around it, tied with a ribbon at the bottom of the cut stems.
Yuni, whose smile didn’t fade as she explained that Michelle had bought them for her at a flower shop in the subway station while passing by on her date, just before it closed, as they were on sale at the last minute.
“They smell nice.”
“Right? They say the color is pretty even after they dry, so I want to try drying them.”
The flowers, which had remained unsold until the end, were already slightly wilted on the outside, but the inside was still fresh. Watching Yuni carefully touch the soft petals, Lee Hyun couldn’t help but think of Rau. While there were various triggers that reminded him of Rau, when he encountered him unexpectedly like this, he had to work hard to manage his longing.
“Hey… do you have a fever? Your face is a bit red, and your eyes look hazy.”
“Hmm? I don’t know? Isn’t it just because I’m sleepy?”
Yuni pulled down Lee Hyun’s hand as he rubbed his eyelids, lifted his bangs, and placed her hand on his forehead.
“You have a fever. It seems quite high, didn’t you know? You must have overdone it with your work.”
“If I don’t finish today, it’ll delay the exhibition schedule.”
“Still, one day won’t make a difference. You’re so diligent. So, can you rest now?”
“Yeah, if I take medicine and sleep well tonight, I should be fine. So, Noona…”
“Yes?”
Seeing Lee Hyun rubbing the railing without being able to speak his mind, Yuni winked as if she understood and patted his shoulder.
“Okay, I’ll keep it a secret from the CEO.”
“It’s nothing much, just a slight fever, but I didn’t want him to worry unnecessarily because he can’t see me…”
He tried hard to explain, not wanting to seem like he was having an overly dramatic relationship, but Yuni didn’t seem to have any intention of teasing him. Perhaps she had become more lenient because she herself was in a rather conspicuous relationship.
Perhaps it was because he heard he had a fever. When he returned to his room, washed up, and came out, he felt like he was coming down with something. He just wanted to get into bed and lie down, too lazy to even get his medicine, but he couldn’t neglect self-care, thinking of the person who would worry.
He took a cold medicine from the first-aid kit on the shelf above the sink and swallowed two pills as recommended on the small paper box. Feeling a wave of weakness in his back and legs, he leaned back and flopped onto the bed as soon as he sat down.
“……”
Lee Hyun lay across the middle of the bed with his legs dangling off the side, fiddling with his phone. He opened the messenger app and scrolled back through the conversations he had with Rau that day. Most of them were ordinary daily reports or silly, sometimes even childish, conversations, but looking back at them at the end of the day made him smile. The reality of dating him, a long-distance relationship at that, was accumulating steadily within the chat window.
It was early morning in Seoul. If Phantom were open for business as usual, it would be around the time Rau was getting ready for work, but he was probably just waking up late and about to start his day.
He didn’t want to wake him if he was still tossing and turning between sleep and reality, but after a moment’s hesitation, Lee Hyun touched the call icon.
[Are you done with work?]
The call connected immediately, as if he had been waiting. Lee Hyun covered his eyes with the back of his hand and smiled silently. Judging by his completely relaxed voice, it seemed he wasn’t just waking up.
“Yes. I’m in my room now.”
[Your voice… sounds hoarse.]
“Uh… I guess I’m tired. My working hours were a bit longer than usual today.”
[Then you should get some good sleep.]
“Yes, I’m sleepy. Um… I might sleep for a really long time.”
He said slowly, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
[Don’t worry about me if I don’t contact you, so don’t worry and sleep well.]
He found it amusing that Rau told him not to worry about him worrying, and he twisted onto his side and laughed weakly. Rau had advised him to sleep quickly out of consideration for him, but Lee Hyun was reluctant to end the call.
“What were you doing?”
It was a question that could sound indifferent or perfunctory, but when directed at a loved one, it became an expression of interest.
Rau gave a very detailed report, saying he had started his day a little earlier than usual due to a strange dream, and to change his mood, he had made an English breakfast himself, then baked two pancakes, and had just finished eating and was drinking coffee.
Lee Hyun praised him a few times, as Rau seemed to be seeking praise for making breakfast himself. Moments like these, where the age difference became meaningless and the fixed roles of elder and younger reversed, were also part of the feeling of being in a relationship. Imagining Rau hunched over and himself stroking his hair, Lee Hyun suppressed a laugh so Rau wouldn’t notice.
“The pancakes the CEO made were delicious.”
[I’ll make as many as you want next time we meet.]
“I want to see you soon.”
[……]
After a moment of silence on the other end of the line, a gentle, soothing voice followed.
[If you can just hold on for one more day, we can meet the day after tomorrow.]
Lee Hyun laughed because it was always him who brushed off Rau’s words of wanting to see him. He pulled his legs up onto the bed and buried his face in the pillow. His eyelids were heavy, but he wanted to hear his voice more. Perhaps his heart had weakened along with his body, as he felt an uncharacteristic urge to act spoiled. But if the call went on too long, he felt like Rau would notice his condition. He didn’t want to give him something to worry about as he was starting his day. He thought that if he recovered his condition by the day after tomorrow, when Rau would arrive, he might be able to get away with having been a little sick.
“I’m going to sleep now. Have a good day.”
[Sleep well. Dream of me.]
Lee Hyun ended the call with a laugh, appreciating Rau’s playful, deliberately cheesy remark.
Unlike Seoul, where the morning was beginning, it was deep night here, and it was quiet. The apartment was quiet, and the alley outside the window was quiet.
In the stillness, as he drifted off, the feeling of his body sinking deep into the mattress wasn’t unpleasant. It was somewhat similar to the moment of falling into Pheromones. He felt like he could fall asleep at any moment, yet his insides felt unsettled. Pulling the blanket over his shoulders, Lee Hyun, who had closed his eyes, reached for the shelf by his head.
Next to the framed painting he received from Suki Kim, among his daily necessities like a few books he was currently reading, his wallet, wristwatch, and keys, he picked up the black leather case placed side-by-side and lay back down.
Whenever his left hand was briefly visible on screen during video calls, his gaze would fall on the ring. He had never told him, but when he saw the ring shining on his long, slender fingers, he felt a strange satisfaction that fulfilled a possessiveness and ownership he hadn’t known he had.
No, he had been aware of his desires towards him briefly before. It was just that he had never had the opportunity to express them because he had already been fulfilling them sufficiently without needing to ask or demand.
Perhaps Rau and he were only now officially starting their relationship. This didn’t mean the depth of their emotions was at the beginning stage.
The mature love within, and the realm of dating, the way that love was expressed and exchanged, could seem to coincide but also function separately. Their existence had already taken root deep in their lives, but the form of their relationship could be similar to that of lovers who had just started dating, which was fascinating.
It wasn’t an imbalance where one focused on the other at a terrifying speed, discarding everything else. It wasn’t a blind impatience clinging only to the desire to connect deeply with the other, skipping all the stages… It was a relationship where he wanted to know even the smallest details of everyday life, cautiously showed jealousy, and yet, not just to satisfy his own possessiveness, but willingly censored and restrained himself to be a faithful understanding partner to the other… This time, it was that kind of relationship.
Rau had wanted to come here more often. It was Lee Hyun himself who had limited his visits to once a month, deciding not to let this relationship disrupt his life or daily routine. For the most part, it was bearable, and sometimes, it was very difficult.
“I’ll come running right away, even if you just suddenly want to see me on a whim.”
There were times I wanted to summon him, ignoring the rule I set for myself of once a month, using our old promise as an excuse. It was even more tempting knowing he would fly over the moment I simply said I wished he would come. It was my relationship with Rau that made life here more vibrant than before, but the reason I felt an even deeper loneliness was the emptiness of him not being here. The physical pain of not being able to touch or hold him was, in some ways, far more potent and vivid than any abstract concept.
In truth, I dreamt of him more often than I spoke to him about it. I also couldn’t tell him that I sometimes found myself alone in this room, gazing at the ring in its case.
Lee Hyun closed the lid of the case and was languidly pulled into sleep, unable to even return it to its proper place. His greeting, “Dream of me,” was meant as a joke to make me laugh, but today, I wished that greeting would become a spell.
■ ■ ■
I leave for Florence in three days. It was decided two weeks ago, after about a month of careful discussion. My family is creating an intentionally excited atmosphere, as if I were going on a vacation, saying Florence, now the capital of the Kingdom of Italy, will be a vibrant city. But they are completely failing to grasp the reality of the changes, relying only on news that drifts across the sea, news they interpret positively to suit their own tastes, while they sit at tables by the lake in the garden of their English estate.
Even if I am treated as a mere tool, shuttled back and forth like cargo on trains and carriages, they will no longer be able to keep pace with the sense of the political climate I am experiencing firsthand on the European continent.
The unification of Italy has not settled into stability, and the exploitation of the southern regions has led to economic stagnation in cities everywhere, causing dissatisfaction and resentment to build. It’s not just Florence; no city in Europe is safe right now.
Throughout Europe, negotiations, breakdowns, and wars are incessant, creating an atmosphere of unease. Separately, a strange excitement and anticipation drift among people, stirring the air. While trembling with the premonition that a massive change that will alter everything is coming, people, the subjugated classes, secretly desire it in their inner hearts.
Everything is changing. The entire world, except for the nobles who are only interested in maintaining their authority and wealth, is preparing and steeling itself to dive into the wave of change.
But this time, I will not remain silent and place my fate into their hands.
I received information that Erich’s master’s family abandoned their estate and fled towards the Kingdom of Bohemia, where the mistress’s maternal family resides. It was information gathered from a distant source, so it wasn’t entirely certain, but it was unlikely they would have moved with nearly fifty servants in such a desperate situation. They likely would have given a few coins to most of the servants, letting them go their separate ways to reduce the scale of their escape.
Given the chance, Erich would have readily chosen freedom, even if it meant fending for himself for food and shelter.
But I don’t know where he headed after leaving the group. Could he, too, be searching for news of me?
While I couldn’t pay a large sum for information, the whispers among people on the streets were sometimes faster, more grounded, and more useful than the information nobles paid for.
If he heard about my upcoming trip, could we perhaps meet in Florence? After learning about his family’s situation, it’s hard to suppress such expectations.
However, meeting again is not the completion of love. Not being together does not mean I will cease my love for him. Even if the time we shared is but a moment in the grand scheme of life, I don’t need a lifetime to realize he is the love of my life.
How much he changed me and my life with just that fleeting encounter. It was a love that brought about a change akin to making blood flow within stone. It cannot be dismissed as a temporary fever simply because of the passage of time.
I have no fear of the plan failing. I am already so at peace, my resolve so clear, that I find myself pathetic for having been dragged along, playing the role of a depressed victim, unable to make this decision until now.
I will no longer stand by and let them violate my humanity and exploit me. I don’t aspire to be a hero who carves out destiny. If I cannot reverse it, I will stop this cycle, even if it means severing it with a blade.
In Florence, I will be able to obtain more accurate news related to Austria. I might also find someone willing to investigate Erich’s whereabouts for a price. In fact, I now find myself wishing for the two weeks to pass more quickly.
Wherever he is, just live, I can hear Erich’s cry to me. If he wishes for my survival, I will survive with all my might. But now, it will be a choice, not resignation, a strategy to seize opportunity.
His scent has not faded at all. The heat of my blood craving him remains. I had no anxiety that his heart might have cooled, that he and my scent might have faded within him. For a pessimist like me, that in itself was a miracle.
I can be as certain as if he were whispering his heart to my ear and proving it with his scent. If this is due to the special bond between Didi and me, then I will no longer curse being born with this body.
■ ■ ■
I opened my eyes to the sensation of hot liquid flowing from my tear ducts to my temples. I was lying on my back, staring at the ceiling in my room at ‘The Hands’ studio. My body ached as if I had forced my way through the walls of time and returned to reality from some point in the past. I had to lie still for a while, collecting my emotions to regain my sense of reality.
I think I dreamt of Erich and his Ghost, but I couldn’t recall the details. The fact that I woke up crying confirmed I had been dreaming right up until then, but the memory was completely wiped clean.
Yet, the overwhelming emotion that had welled up, so much so that it felt sorrowful, remained vivid, resonating in my chest. I desperately wanted to recall if I had seen the scene of them meeting in my dream, but there were no hints left, as if someone had intentionally erased the memory.
“……”
At the quiet sound of pages turning, Lee Hyun turned his head. The back of a figure leaning against the bed came into view. I remembered Yuni coming by once to bring soup and medicine. But it was definitely not Yuni.
Broad shoulders, a long, firm neckline, beautiful hair, and the distinct outline of a profile visible at an angle.
It felt so unreal, like a past photograph pasted onto the present, that I wondered if it was an extension of my dream.
Suppressing my presence, I wiped the moisture from my eyes. I carefully reached out from under the covers and lightly touched the tips of his hair. The face that stirred my emotions, in a different way, immediately turned back, offering a smile of concern.
“You’re awake?”
“Did I… sleep that long?”
My throat, which had been closed off by the fever, was tightly shut.
He was scheduled to arrive on Thursday evening. The last call I had before falling asleep was around midnight on Wednesday, based in Paris. Assuming he arrived here as scheduled, I calculated that I had been asleep for at least 40 hours. He had said I might sleep for a long time, and indeed, I felt like I had slept a long, deep sleep, as if I had lived another life and woken up, but there was no way I had slept for 40 hours straight.
Rau put down the book he was reading and turned completely towards me, gently stroking my hair. He was wearing a plain black short-sleeved t-shirt. I had no sense of how long he had been here.
“I came a day early.”
“Weren’t you supposed to visit the coffee bean supplier with Hyung?”
“It wasn’t an urgent matter that absolutely couldn’t be postponed.”
Rau gently overlapped his right hand with my left hand, which had emerged from under the covers, and stroked my cheek with the hand that had been touching my hair, as if gauging my temperature.
“It’s only a day… I’m fine…”
“This time is special. I promise I won’t do it again.”
Rau bent his clasped fingers, applying pressure, saying I still had a fever and should save my anger for when I was fully recovered. But Lee Hyun wasn’t trying to be angry. As someone who chose a long-distance relationship, he didn’t want to disrupt his life balance for such a reason. It wasn’t him, but rather himself he was angry with. He had been most careful about his health above all else to avoid causing worry… he felt upset.
“Let’s eat something first. I made porridge, just needs to be heated.”
“Egg porridge?”
Recalling the porridge with carrots and zucchini he had made the day I had hyperventilated at his place, I asked, and he nodded with a sheepish smile. It felt better for my health to be looking at that smile now.
“I’ll eat a little later. After I see your face a bit more, hear your voice a bit more…”
He hesitated for a moment, but knowing my desire to truly feel our reunion more than anything else, he didn’t press me to eat.
“Why are you sitting on the floor?”
Though there wasn’t a comfortable sofa to sit on.
“Come up.”
“After not seeing you for over a month, could I really endure lying next to you in the same bed… was I that much of a gentleman to you?”
Huh? Was I that reserved with you? Rau playfully added, biting Lee Hyun’s clasped fingers without causing pain.
Lee Hyun let out a weak chuckle. Then, tightening his grip on our intertwined fingers, he gently pulled him. It had been over a month since we last met, and now we were together. There was no need to explain in words or appeal with our eyes how much we wanted to touch each other.
“Then… don’t endure.”
“……”
My appearance must have been a mess from suffering from the fever, but perhaps because of that fever, my longing for him was greater than my embarrassment. Rau, looking down at Lee Hyun lying in bed, turned his head, ran a hand through his hair, and muttered in a troubled voice.
“That’s cheating. You know I can’t resist your pheromones.”
“I can’t control them myself yet. I’m not doing it on purpose… so it’s not cheating.”
The fact that his defenses, which no one else could breach, could be freely crossed and trouble him solely through my pheromones stirred possessiveness and a sense of ownership.
Although I couldn’t detect my own pheromones yet, I had come to discern to some extent the effects pheromones had on Rau and myself. Especially when observing his reactions during intimacy, I could clearly grasp the process of him breaking down and becoming disheveled by my pheromones, ultimately being overthrown by his desire for me.
It wasn’t just simple lust. The fact that only my pheromones could make him that way.
Rau, glancing sideways at Lee Hyun who was looking up at him with an almost bold gaze, bit his lower lip, sighed, and climbed onto the bed. Even the groan of the cheap mattress under his weight tensed my skin.
It was a semi-double size, but it was cramped for two grown men to lie side by side. For him, who was over 190 centimeters, even the length wasn’t very generous. Just stretching my feet out, my toes felt like they would touch the metal frame at the edge of the bed.
He carefully closed the distance, moving closer to my side, and slipped his arm under my neck, embracing my shoulder. The sensation of his hard, hot body overlapping with my chest sent a shiver through me, as if I felt a chill. Mistaking it for cold, he hastily pulled the blanket up, like a startled person.
“I missed you.”
Turning my face towards him, who had turned to face me, lying on my side, I directly conveyed my feelings.
The words “I miss you” had always been his. Some people express their emotions through words, but others are the opposite. If I said it, it felt like childish complaints or tantrums would spill out, so Lee Hyun was afraid to say it over the phone.
He spent a long time silently rubbing the shoulder he was embracing and scrutinizing Lee Hyun’s face.
“…I’m sorry.”
Lee Hyun shook his head, understanding why he apologized at the words “I miss you.”
If he had wanted me to live beside him like a repentant sinner, I would never have accepted him back in the first place. It wasn’t a conditional forgiveness from a position of superiority, as if to say, “Let’s see how well you do from now on.” Rather than discussing the true meaning of forgiveness, a relationship built on such an imbalance was unlikely to succeed. I couldn’t ruin the future.
I took my hand out from under the covers and cupped his face, which looked distressed. Gazing at him, who rubbed his cheek against my palm like a fragile animal, I kissed him. My lips, dry from the fever, made a dry, ticklish sound as we parted with regret.
With a single kiss, his eyes immediately lost their composure and flickered. I knew he was stimulated by the deep scent that rose from his chest and neck.
He tilted his head, following my lips, and rubbed the surface more deeply. As I twisted my head to avoid his tongue trying to enter, he grabbed my chin, stuck out his tongue, and licked my lower lip, saying,
“Don’t avoid it. It just smells like pheromones.”
“……”
As soon as he finished speaking, Rau sucked my lower lip deeply.
“Ugh, yes. Mmm…”
Lee Hyun writhed his shoulders, opening his lips to the exquisite pain he had so longed for. After taking his tongue into my mouth, I realized my mouth was still hot. Tightening the grip of my hand on his shoulder, I pulled him closer, filling my mouth entirely and entangling my tongue with his, which writhed within.
It didn’t take long to cast aside the slight awkwardness and hesitation of meeting after so long and to frantically explore each other, rubbing our wet flesh.
I knew that kisses were a direct exchange of pheromones and served as commands to elevate each other to a higher level of arousal.
His scent, which I had missed as much as his warmth and touch, awakened my senses, permeating not just my nose but my entire body. It wasn’t a one-sided effect. Imagining my own scent having the same effect on him made me even hotter.
“Hic. Ugh… Hup.”
Rau’s other hand, which had been stroking down my chest and abdomen, entered under my t-shirt. Pushing up the fabric, it slid up my bare skin, pressing down on my chest with his entire palm, the friction causing my nipples to immediately contract and harden.
Lying on my side, half-covering me, he brought his knees between my legs, pressing his body even closer. My left leg spread outwards, his thigh rubbing against my groin. His erection, pressing just below my side, was already hard. A steamy warmth, as if steam were rising, was transmitted through his training pants and my thin pajamas.
Overwhelmed by the multi-layered stimulation, Lee Hyun gasped for breath, pushing away his tongue. He looked down at me with slightly unfocused eyes from such close proximity that our noses almost brushed. Each of his exhales seemed to be composed of particles carrying scent.
Without separating our bodies, he moved on top of me. It was a smooth motion.
Then, lowering his body, he crawled under the covers and touched his tongue to my nipple.
“Huuu… Huk, Huk.”
Lee Hyun gnawed on the thin skin of his hand and hugged his neck with his other arm.
Rau, sucking and gently pressing my areola and the surrounding flesh, simultaneously pushed his upper body, which was propped between my legs, up and down. Slowly, creating a fluid curve.
My penis was pressed and rubbed against his thick chest and dry upper abdomen. The pressure, almost suffocating, was welcome. My lower back arched, and my chest naturally lifted towards the ceiling. Lee Hyun, kneeling with his legs spread wide, rubbed his penis in time with the rhythm of his chest pushing up.
My mind was filled with red smoke. The haze was double my usual due to the effect of the pheromones and the fever.
“Ugh, Huk. Yes…”
He licked the tip of his tongue sharply, biting and pressing around my areola. The strange vibration of the plump flesh bouncing rapidly up and down was unbearable.
Lee Hyun let go of the hand he was biting and ran his fingers through the back of his head. With the urge to be sucked more intensely again, he wriggled his hips, pushing the sheets with his toes.
“It, it tickles… I don’t like that…”
It wasn’t that he disliked it, exactly, but he couldn’t think of any other way to express it. He didn’t dislike it; rather, he felt too much. The caress, which made his toes curl inward and tormented him, was harder to endure than strong pressure.
From under the covers, he looked up, his eyes wide. Lee Hyun couldn’t tear his gaze away from his excited face, which was poking and prodding his erect nipples, bending them this way and that.
“Seo Yi-hyun’s pheromones don’t say ‘no,’ do they?”
“Haaak!”
He pursed his lips into a small, tight circle and sucked, drawing in only the hardened tips.
“Ah… Ah…”
The force, which was hard to believe was applied by lips alone, squeezed him so tightly that a sharp, dizzying pain arose. Lee Hyun arched his body, throwing himself over, and writhed, pulling his head into his embrace as his shoulders hunched, the ticklish sensation completely resolved by the intense pleasure.
“Ah, Pa…”
He thought his foreskin might have been slightly peeled back. As he pulled his head back, the nipple he released felt slightly raw and was flushed red.
Lee Hyun, running his fingers through his hair, lowered his gaze to his nipple without realizing it. While he was doing so, Rau, still lying on top of Lee Hyun, pulled the T-shirt from the neckline at the back of his neck and took it off. Just seeing his bare body made Lee Hyun’s lower half feel fuller and his rear end wet.
“Ugh… Hhhuu…”
He grabbed Rau’s wrist as he fumbled downwards, trying to pull down his pajamas, and they struggled for a moment. He felt he needed to lose more of his reason before he could show the wet underwear, wet in the back, not the front.
Sliding up his stomach and chest, Rau buried his lips in the back of Lee Hyun’s neck, showering him with tiny kisses as he moved higher. He gently bit along Lee Hyun’s jawline, not painfully, kissed his cheeks, and finally, their lips met.
“Mmm. Ughh…”
Swallowing Rau’s saliva and scent that flowed down his tongue, Lee Hyun moaned from deep within his throat. The strength he had used to stop Rau’s hands, which were gently trying to push down his pajamas, began to weaken.
“……”
Stretching his arm as far as it could reach, Rau awkwardly pushed the pajamas down to the middle of Lee Hyun’s thighs. Then, with his palm, he broadly rubbed the area above his hip-hugging underwear. Rau’s large hand, with its strong grip, stroked over Lee Hyun’s penis and then slid deeper inside. Pressing and fumbling around his anus over the underwear, he was gauging how wet Lee Hyun was.
Lee Hyun reached out to grab his arm again, trying to stop him, but Rau sealed their lips, pouring more of his scent into him.
“Haaeeu… Hh…”
He had no choice but to surrender to the skillful caress that kneaded his most sensitive flesh in various ways. After all, no matter how much his body resisted, as Rau had said, he couldn’t hide his pheromones.
Rau’s pheromones also pulsed, growing stronger. His violently surging arousal and lust became a scent that was transmitted directly to Lee Hyun. They were both unable to hide it.
Resigned, Lee Hyun responded to the kiss, stroking Rau’s bare shoulder and firm upper arm, which he had finally gotten his hands on after so long. Their tongues playfully tangled, and they gazed into each other’s eyes.
“You look good on camera, but… you’re even better in person. A hundred times better-looking in person.”
Rau, looking down at Lee Hyun with eyes stickier than his tongue, then pressed his entire body down on Lee Hyun, holding him tightly. Lee Hyun knew he was fighting against his own arousal, pheromones, and a level of excitement he couldn’t control.
Pressing his lips once more like a stamp, Rau pulled back and completely stripped Lee Hyun’s lower half. Then, from under the covers, he fumbled and placed his T-shirt under Lee Hyun’s buttocks. This was because Lee Hyun’s bed, unlike the one in Room 601, didn’t have a mattress protector.
Stripping off his training pants to be completely naked, Rau slid his hand under Lee Hyun’s lower back and lifted him slightly. With his other hand, he fumbled and placed his pants over the T-shirt again.
“It’s… going to flow quite a bit.”
He said this with a sweaty smile, his face glistening. With the hands that were spreading out his pants and T-shirt to prevent leakage, he lightly brushed against the area between Lee Hyun’s buttocks, which was already pooling with arousal fluid.
“Eung…”
Just the fact that Rau was lifting his hips and preparing to handle the bodily fluids from the upcoming sex caused a faint moan to escape Lee Hyun’s lips. His body trembled so much that Lee Hyun instinctively covered his mouth.
To prevent Lee Hyun’s body from losing heat, all the actions were taking place under the covers, unlike before. Even that made the moment feel more secretive, drying Lee Hyun’s mouth.
While constantly watching Lee Hyun with unstable eyes, Rau showed no intention of rushing. He wasn’t trying to get all the compensation for their time apart at once.
“Hhhuu… Ugh…”
Rau slid his hand between Lee Hyun’s buttocks and rubbed the wet area around his anus broadly with his palm. With his hand thoroughly coated in arousal fluid, he cupped Lee Hyun’s genitals and swept them long and hard from the base.
“The sheets will get dirty, so just…”
Worried about contamination from sweat and bodily fluids, Lee Hyun tried to pull the covers down, but Rau was firm.
“You have a fever, so you can’t. I’ll change them right after we’re done.”
Rau rested his hand on Lee Hyun’s outer arm, leaned his upper body forward, and shook his head. Then, bending his knees, he pressed his lower body against Lee Hyun’s, enveloping his buttocks on either side.
He hadn’t been worried about having to sleep on dirty sheets… Even as he thought this, Lee Hyun didn’t want to prolong the situation over that issue. He had already entered a state where such problems felt trivial.
Lee Hyun’s legs were draped over Rau’s thighs, and their most intimate parts pressed together without any gap. Lee Hyun exhaled as if spitting out his breath, gripping the edge of the covers that rose in a triangle, using Rau’s back as a support.
“This bed… I don’t think it can take the strain.”
Rau’s face was serious as he tested it, rocking his hips a couple of times. The bed, with its not-so-sturdy metal frame, groaned in protest even with the slightest pressure.
“If we do it like usual, the neighbors in the next room and the room below will hear us.”
In the dim light of a single small reading lamp by the desk, he looked towards the wall with a perplexed expression.
Swallowing, Lee Hyun released the covers and wrapped his arms around Rau’s, then gently rocked his hips. He could no longer stand Rau’s penis, which was pressed tightly between his legs, now naturally spread apart. He began to rub his groin and his arousal-soaked perineum against the unnaturally thick, hard, hot shaft. Rau’s facial muscles twitched as he looked down at Lee Hyun.
“Haaah…”
He then let out a pained breath and buried his face in Lee Hyun’s shoulder.
“I don’t know if it’ll work… but I’ll just rub at the entrance a little and pull out.”
He reached down, found his penis, and grasped it. Then, positioning the glans, he kissed Lee Hyun.
“You know what happens to both of us if we go any further. It won’t just be the neighbors hearing.”
Lee Hyun had no choice but to agree. Once proper penetration and friction began, he was no different from an Alpha in rut. He might even be more powerfully dominated by pheromones than a typical rut. Without physical, forceful intervention, he couldn’t stop until knotting and ejaculation. An Alpha in rut might stop there, but he was a Ghost stimulated by Didi’s pheromones, in a state of heat. His knotting would inevitably include Changing.
Lee Hyun, too, was becoming unusually eager for knotting and bold in his actions, like an Omega in heat. Once they were in a state where they greedily clung to each other, it was obvious they wouldn’t care about the messy noises they made. Moreover, ‘The Hands’ apartment was more susceptible to noise than Room 601.
His blood, instincts, and entire body cried out for the deepest union with Rau, but he had to do as Rau suggested.
Lee Hyun slowly stroked Rau’s arm and nodded. Rau’s glans, which had been circling the entrance, began to slide in softly.
“Ughh… Hmmm…”
Lee Hyun’s moan, which seemed to protest a dull pain, was a low, soft cry. As soon as the glans touched the completely wet and softened anus, the cry sharpened and then abruptly cut off. Lee Hyun covered his mouth and opened his eyes wide.
Rau licked his lips and leaned his upper body further down, kissing Lee Hyun’s hand as if to soothe him.
His heart pounded. The thickness and heat of the glans pushing into his soft inner lining, his presence sinking into the thick arousal fluid, felt overwhelmingly real.
“Hh… Huk.”
But the penetration didn’t go any deeper. Once the glans reached the point stimulating his prostate, Rau’s hand caught his penis at the entrance. To prevent himself from accidentally going too deep, he held his penis around the middle.
Quietly, deliberately, the movements began.
Rau’s thrusts were far more cautious than his usual animalistic sprints. Yet, the mattress and the floor creaked with a time lag. Even though the noise was still within a normal range, every sound made them meet each other’s eyes and hold their breath. Being in a place that wasn’t a typical residence like Room 601 made them more conscious.
The situation of having to control their bodies and suppress their moans due to the constraints of the location made their senses even more acute. It felt as if Rau’s penis, as it penetrated and retreated, was leaving clear marks on his inner walls.
Each time Rau’s hips pulled back and then thrust forward, his hand gripping the penis stopped at the entrance with a soft thud. While he wished to swallow Rau deeper, to the point of complete surrender to the pheromones, the restriction and the stopping felt novel.
He felt impatient and unsatisfied. His entrance instinctively tightened, wanting to pull him in further. Yet, Lee Hyun couldn’t explain where this unique pleasure, which made his body clench thrillingly, was coming from.
Although the length of penetration was shorter than usual, Rau divided it into several short, sharp thrusts. That restraint, meant to prevent an outburst, drove Lee Hyun mad.
“Hhhuu, Ugh… Hhuk.”
“You want me to rub inside, don’t you?”
Rau, perhaps perceiving Lee Hyun’s muffled struggles as dissatisfaction and lack, asked again with a pained grimace.
“This isn’t good, is it?”
No, Lee Hyun shook his head. He managed to remove his hand from his mouth and hugged Rau’s neck.
“Kun… it must be difficult.”
As he strained to lower his voice, he unintentionally pressed against Rau’s penis from the inside. Rau gasped as if he had been hit hard in the lower abdomen.
“Ah, it’s difficult. I feel like I’m going to die.”
Rau’s upper body covered his chest as he leaned in. Then, he wet Lee Hyun’s earlobe with his hot tongue and whispered.
About how soft Lee Hyun’s anus was, even without doing anything. About how intoxicating the suction was, wet and pulling him in.
He wanted to push Rau’s hand away, which was interfering, and thrust him all the way in until his pubic hair was ground against Lee Hyun’s entrance, thrusting wildly regardless of whether everyone in the building heard.
Listening to Rau’s confession, as he tried to release what he couldn’t act upon, Lee Hyun squeezed his eyes shut and hugged him tightly. With every lewd whisper and every caress of his ears with tongue and lips, his inner walls trembled.
“Pheromones aside… your scent is stronger than usual, making me want to do… something to you right now.”
“What… do you want to do…?”
“……”
Rau lifted his head from Lee Hyun’s shoulder and looked down at him closely. The thick glans, which had been repeatedly thrusting shallowly, pressed deeply inside. As if he were going to push his hand in as well, he didn’t pull his hips back but continued to press his body forward.
Blinking slowly, as if controlled by something, he answered Lee Hyun’s question.
“I want to knot.”
“Do it for me.”
At Lee Hyun’s whisper, Rau swallowed dryly and licked his lower lip. From their connected parts, Lee Hyun’s arousal fluid and Rau’s pre-ejaculate gushed out simultaneously. Each time Rau rocked his hips from side to side, not front to back, and rubbed inside, the excessively secreted fluid dripped and leaked around their point of contact.
The sensation of thick fluid trickling down his perineum, as always, aroused Lee Hyun as much as the direct friction of penetration. Lee Hyun wrapped his legs around Rau’s waist and moaned softly, like a faint sob.
“Shall we? Shall I make it throb inside Seo Yi-hyun… with knotting?”
“Yes… I want that. I want something more stimulating…”
Lee Hyun nodded immediately and answered honestly, and Rau spat out a pained curse and buried his face in Lee Hyun’s neck again. While pouring hot kisses and holding him tightly, pressing and scratching his glans against Lee Hyun’s prostate, he didn’t let go of the hand gripping his penis.
But he couldn’t have sex like this forever. It was impossible to have sex without knotting between an Omega in heat and an Alpha in rut.
Lee Hyun was gradually realizing the dominance of pheromones, something that Betas could theoretically understand but not physically feel or empathize with. A part of himself that had been acting for a long time but he hadn’t been conscious of.
With his hand, slick with bodily fluids, he readjusted his grip on his penis and whispered soothingly.
“When you’re better… we’ll go to Room 601 and knot for sure.”
“Hh, Hhhuu, Huk… Now…”
“Or, next time, should we go to a hotel? Should we go to a hotel and ask for the room with the best soundproofing?”
Imagining the scenarios Rau described, they lightly laughed and touched foreheads. But the laughter was very brief.
“I want to do it now. Now is good…”
Whether it was due to the fever or a sad dream he had just before waking, Lee Hyun, knowing he was just being petulant by relying on Rau’s restraint, found himself urging him on more than usual. Yet, his eyes held no trace of resentment, only affection.
Rau kissed Lee Hyun’s pouting lips and, with one hand, tightly gripped the thin vertical bars of the bed frame above Lee Hyun’s head. Then, he pulled his hips back until his glans was completely outside.
“Ugh, Ung… Hhng…”
With his glans pressed right against the entrance in its withdrawn state, Lee Hyun trembled with anticipation, wondering when it would plunge back in.
“Kkeup.”
He covered his mouth with his hand as the penetration, which went in all the way to where his hand was gripping his penis, struck him. Looking up with wide eyes, Rau’s face was glistening with sweat. He wiped the sweat from his face with his outstretched arm, which was holding the bar.
Without warning, the penetrations, which went completely out of the entrance and then struck back in until his hand caught it, followed in rapid succession. Overwhelmed by the frantic assault, Lee Hyun kicked the covers and thrashed his legs.
“Seo Yi-hyun… I can’t even give you what you want…”
“Mm. Ughh. Mm.”
“I’m really… disqualified as a boyfriend…”
“Haa, Huk. Hhuk!”
His skillful thrusts, short and powerful, pressing against his prostate and then withdrawing, sent a thrilling current through his entire body. Unable to bear the pouring pleasure any longer, Lee Hyun removed his hands and let out a moan.
“Seo Yi-hyun, your voice.”
He warned him in a voice that was heavily suppressed. To avoid being pushed up, Lee Hyun reached out and grabbed one of the bars, and with his other hand, covered his mouth again.
Rau’s eyes glistened as he looked down at Lee Hyun. His wet tongue licked his lips a few times as if savoring. Even in a state of pleasure-dominated ecstasy, Rau might have been getting a different kind of stimulation from Lee Hyun’s efforts to suppress his moans and cling to his reason.
He pushed Lee Hyun’s hand away with his chin and thrust his stiff tongue deep into his mouth. With his tongue filling his mouth, Lee Hyun couldn’t let out a moan even if he wanted to.
“Mm. Ughh. Mm.”
The rocking of his hips intensified. To make the bed shake as little as possible, he thrust into Lee Hyun’s body, maintaining a horizontal motion rather than a vertical one.
Lee Hyun bit down hard on his tongue, pressing his lips together as if he might bite off the other’s. One arm held his neck, the other clutched the iron bar above his head. His eyes welled up with moisture from enduring so much. But it seemed that resisting that pleasure, as much as surrendering to it, could also amplify arousal.
“Hmm. Hmmm. Hmmmm…”
Something immense, something large, was approaching. It was a pleasure that began from a different direction than knotting. His inner fluids were gushing out as if a dam had burst. The foreign sensation was acutely felt.
With eyes moist and trembling almost with fear, Lee Hyun sought his gaze. His tongue, which had been filling Lee Hyun’s mouth, was pulled out rather than being a kiss.
“Haaah… Hhh… Haaak.”
Lee Hyun’s mucous membranes twitched and contracted sharply, and semen spurted from his penis, which hadn’t even been touched. Almost simultaneously, Rau withdrew his penis from Lee Hyun’s body. It felt as if a plug blocking his insides had been removed, and the mixed bodily fluids of two people flowed out of Lee Hyun’s body as if they had been waiting. With every rise and fall of his abdomen from gasping for breath, the fluids flowed and stopped repeatedly, following the opening and closing of his puckering orifice.
Lee Hyun instinctively reached down with his arm. He smeared the mass of bodily fluids flowing over the clothes he had laid out onto his palm and rubbed it between his legs. He did so without even being conscious of what he was doing.
He just wanted to do something more lewd. He wanted to tangle with him, doing something even more extreme, and he craved a more animalistic sense of liberation.
“Huk, heuk…”
Only after writhing his body slowly and rubbing between his legs for a long time did Lee Hyun realize he was faintly sobbing.
Rau, kneeling between Lee Hyun’s legs, kissed away Lee Hyun’s tears and stroked his own penis. Lee Hyun cupped his cheeks. He kissed the face, contorted in a struggle against the demands of his body and instincts.
The memory of their first naked contact in his bedroom resurfaced. Back then, Rau hadn’t even been able to climax. It wasn’t a normal ejaculation, but an ejaculation achieved through pheromones that had only given Lee Hyun a deep sleep. Thinking of the heavy, dangling weight of his penis that he had seen through his blurring eyelids, still made his body ache.
Just like then, a heavy, languid drowsiness, like someone pulling him down from beneath the bed, washed over him. But Lee Hyun fought with all his might to lift his eyelids. And he flipped his heavy body over. He turned his head and looked back at Rau over his shoulder.
Clutching his thoroughly wet penis, which was spewing an enormous amount of pre-cum, Rau was stuck in an awkward half-crouch, unable to fully lie down or sit up. Despite his entire body glistening with sweat, he still had the blanket draped over his back like a tent over Lee Hyun’s body.
His posture, merely suppressing his desire, made him look like an inexperienced young man, his penis fully engorged but unsure where to insert it or how to release it. For some reason, Lee Hyun’s eyes grew hot. He was burning up like this, coated in thick pheromone essence all over his body…
He reached out and grabbed his wrist, pulling him closer. Then, burying his face in the pillow, he drew his legs together.
“……”
After a moment’s hesitation, Rau lay down, his chest pressing against Lee Hyun’s back. Rau’s arms slipped under Lee Hyun’s armpits, pulling him close, and he rubbed his penis between their thighs, struggling to control his large body. His restraint, as much as his uncontrolled rush towards Lee Hyun, was endearing.
He was mechanical, as if relying solely on physical friction on his penis to achieve climax. His movements were entirely different from when he caressed Lee Hyun. He seemed to be focusing all his energy on ignoring the fact that by shifting his hips just slightly, he could penetrate Lee Hyun’s body, where a fantastic experience awaited, into his own Didi’s interior.
Lee Hyun reached his arm back. He buried his fingers in the hard, sculpted muscles of Rau’s buttocks and pulled him closer. Almost simultaneously, his crotch was warmed and moistened. Rau twisted his large body slowly and fluidly, rubbing his entire body against Lee Hyun’s. His pheromones, which had seemed to burn crimson, were now settling into a gentle orange glow.
Lee Hyun turned his head and stroked Rau’s hair. This wasn’t a hallucination or perfume. Tonight, he could truly fall asleep surrounded by his pheromones.
What if he had woken up and Rau wasn’t there, lying alone as usual…? He had chided Rau for not being able to wait just one more day, flying such a long distance, but it had never meant he wasn’t happy about the early reunion.
Lee Hyun buried his face back into the pillow, as if about to fall asleep, and closed his eyes.
“Mmm… You want to sleep like this.”
Rau, who had been nibbling gently at Lee Hyun’s shoulder, placed his hand over Lee Hyun’s on the back of his hand.
“I’ll go on a diet.”
At the serious reply, devoid of any humor, Lee Hyun let out a weak laugh. He wanted to exchange more of these silly conversations, but he felt he couldn’t anymore. A slow, tender, long kiss enveloped his entire prone body.
If he fell asleep now, he might dream of Erich and his Ghost reuniting in tumultuous Florence.
■ ■ ■
The group gathered at a cafe not far from ‘The Hands’ numbered around ten people. There were those like Ben and Jun, whom he had met at the previous Christmas party, people he had seen a few times when he used to hang around ‘The Hands,’ and complete strangers.
In any case, they were colleagues and neighbors who shared daily life with Lee Hyun in the same space, and as his lover, he occupied a seat there, so it was obvious that their evaluation of him would affect Lee Hyun. It was bound to be a tense situation for Rau.
After the simple meal of egg dishes and pancakes made with locally sourced ingredients was cleared, and the serious drinking began, the works unveiled at the Pre-Opening party that day naturally became the topic of conversation.
“You must be proud that Lee Hyun’s latest work is also receiving a good response?”
Someone asked Rau with a subtle smile. She was an artist who created installation works using recycled paper, and the short dreadlocks suited her well.
Rau glanced once at Lee Hyun, who was sitting next to him, and then lowered his gaze towards his wine glass.
“As a gallerist who worked with him, and as his lover… of course. Even though it’s not all good reviews, he’s active without losing his center, and I think that part of him is… very wonderful.”
“Did Rau-ssi discover Lee Hyun? Ah, you fell for his work first?”
A young man from Malaysia, his eyes sparkling with curiosity behind his horn-rimmed glasses, chimed into the conversation. He was dressed stylishly, likely popular among young people these days. He was also the one who, immediately after being introduced to Rau, pulled out his phone and asked if he had an SNS account.
“I didn’t discover him… I suppose Lee Hyun came to me? I was already drawn to him before I knew he painted, so his work wasn’t the catalyst… but then again, I had affection for his work before I knew him, so it’s not entirely wrong to say so… Hmm, come to think of it, we were entangled by quite a complex series of coincidences.”
He found his own expression embarrassing. Rau rubbed the corner of his mouth and gave an awkward smile. Glancing at his side, Lee Hyun was rapidly emptying his wine, his face flushed to his ears. The habit of drinking faster when nervous or flustered was still there. The fact that his well-known habit remained unchanged gave Rau a sudden sense of relief and tenderness.
He secretly held Lee Hyun’s right hand under the table, and Lee Hyun flinched, stiffened, and conspicuously looked around. Every such reaction was so endearing that Rau gently tightened his grip on the held hand before releasing it.
“That’s cheesy.”
It was Jun’s muttered complaint, clearly directed at him. Rau turned his head. Jun, who had been sipping only wine with a sullen expression, barely touching his food, was talking to himself.
“It’s not uncommon for a dealer and an artist to date. Given the nature of the relationship, if done well, they can become partners who understand each other best, both personally and professionally. And when coincidences keep piling up, people call it fate.”
It was Ben who steered the conversation away from the awkward atmosphere that was about to set in. He ruffled Jun’s short-cropped hair as he spoke, and Jun struggled to break free from his hand, protesting. Watching the two of them, Rau brought his wine glass to his lips and smiled ambiguously.
In fact, it wasn’t a planned gathering.
The pre-opening party, held two days earlier on Saturday before the official opening on Monday, started late in the afternoon and concluded in the evening, unlike the Christmas Eve party Rau had attended. It was a wholesome party focused solely on introducing the artworks.
Perhaps regretting that, a few people who attended decided to gather after the event. Most of them were members who frequently met in the shared living room on the second floor of ‘The Hands.’ At their enthusiastic urging, Rau and Lee Hyun found themselves swept up in the mood and joined them.
Initially, everyone was polite to Rau, an outsider and the lover of their colleague, maintaining a certain distance. But as the alcohol flowed and the mood livened up, the conversation became more animated and bold. It was also partly due to Rau’s efforts to break down barriers and approach them. His approachable and sociable demeanor was all part of his effort to maintain Lee Hyun’s reputation.
Who “seduced” whom first? Who confessed first… etc. The nature of questions directed at couples, regardless of culture, was largely the same.
Each time a question was asked, Lee Hyun would find an embarrassed expression and reach for his wine, while Rau would answer diligently, satisfying some of their curiosity while leaving overly private details unspoken.
“I was the one who ‘seduced’ him first, and I don’t think there was a specific confession; the relationship just developed naturally.”
Although he answered with a composure that was almost businesslike, the reaction was strangely fervent.
“Lee Hyun is introverted, so you must have worried when he said he was going far away.”
“Even though he’s introverted… that’s not all of Lee Hyun. I believed he could adapt well and focus on his work. He’s a person with a good center, unlike me.”
“Ah… so being apart was harder for Rau-ssi than for Lee Hyun?”
Someone interpreted Rau’s answer in a teasing direction. However, it wasn’t entirely wrong, so Rau felt no need to correct it.
“Long distance is no ordinary long distance, is it? Didn’t you feel the opposite?”
“Did you deliberately not visit in the beginning to let him adapt?”
Before the answer was even fully delivered, the next question poured in.
“Everyone, please don’t… tease him too much.”
Lee Hyun, who had been enduring the awkwardness of the situation with a bewildered expression, finally intervened, feeling he couldn’t take it anymore. Lee Hyun’s face was already flushed red. It was more from the alcohol than from embarrassment.
“You just mumble when I ask you, Lee Hyun. Don’t you know that hiding things makes people more curious?”
The young man from Malaysia retorted sharply.
“Lee Hyun’s lips are pouting. He’s drunk.”
Someone said that in a voice tinged with laughter, and Lee Hyun rubbed his face with his palms, denying his words.
“When you’re drunk, you do whatever I tell you, but you’re so good at dodging questions about your boyfriend?”
“He’s not the type to make up a boyfriend if he doesn’t have one, so we even wondered if he was dating some celebrity we shouldn’t know about.”
The people seemed to enjoy seeing Lee Hyun embarrassed. It wasn’t malicious enjoyment, but rather a lighthearted teasing based on affection. Rau could easily sense that, at least, the people gathered here were well-disposed towards Lee Hyun.
Furthermore, he couldn’t help but notice the glances from some people who alternated between checking his left hand and Lee Hyun’s left hand.
He could guess what kind of doubts and fantasies they were spinning, given Lee Hyun’s attitude of avoiding specific mentions of his boyfriend while claiming to have one, and the ring worn on only one person’s hand.
Stroking the ring on his ring finger with his thumb, Rau gripped the slender neck of his wine glass. Feeling his mouth dry, he raised the glass, but Lee Hyun, sitting beside him, spoke in a low voice.
“I’m sorry. They’re all so… mischievous, aren’t they?”
“It’s nothing much, really.”
“I wish Yooni Noona were here. She’s a bit late.”
Yuni, who belonged to the operations team rather than being an artist, was scheduled to join after finishing the post-event cleanup. Rau gently cupped Lee Hyun’s chin, which was turned towards the entrance, and made him look at him, then shook his head.
“If Baek Yuni were here, you’d be subjected to several times more malicious questions. She might be soft on Seo Yi-hyun, but she’s ruthless with me.”
“……”
Lee Hyun paused, rolled his eyes, and nodded in agreement. His expression, which was unnecessarily serious, was cute. As the people said, he seemed a little drunk. A smile escaped Rau’s lips as he looked at his slightly dazed face, with all his reactions slower than usual. Tapping the tip of his nose with his index finger, which was holding his chin, Lee Hyun smiled broadly, his eyes crinkling. It was a smile with such impact that it made his chest ache and stir intensely.
His heart reacted anew as he realized he was looking at Lee Hyun’s actual face, not through a phone or laptop screen. This had happened several times during the past few days they had spent together. They had to part again before fully compensating for the time they were apart, and this meeting had been anticipated that much.
His fingers, which had been dancing over Lee Hyun’s face, moved to his lips. When he lightly pinched his slightly parted lips, Lee Hyun’s eyes immediately widened. Even his flustered reaction, as if caught in a clandestine scene, was quintessentially Lee Hyun, though others wouldn’t understand the meaning of this gesture.
With the hand that had pinched the flesh of his lips, he toyed with his earlobe, tilting his head deeper.
“I want to be alone with you soon.”
“……”
Lee Hyun bit his lower lip and lowered his gaze. He clasped his hands together, intertwining his fingers and fiddling with them.
“We have to be careful with the pheromones.”
After a long pause, Lee Hyun finally managed to whisper the warning in a small voice.
“Okay.”
Despite his answer, Rau did not pull his body away. He deliberately leaned his weight onto Lee Hyun’s shoulder, pressing his entire body against him. This caused Lee Hyun’s upper body to tilt, and Lee Hyun had no choice but to embrace Rau’s shoulder to support him. It was a playful act, but it was also an intimate physical contact that would only be attempted between lovers. It was enough to draw the ire of the group.
“Hey, you two, can you stop being so close?”
Someone tapped the table twice, expressing their displeasure. Rau, straightening his body which had been leaning entirely on Lee Hyun, feigned ignorance as if nothing had happened and rested his arm on the table.
Just as he was about to lift his wine glass, the woman with dreadlocks cautiously asked a question.
“But… even if you’re a gallerist, don’t you get jealous when your lover collaborates with someone else?”
It was a sharp question. Setting his glass down, Rau smiled slightly. And he looked back at Lee Hyun.
Lee Hyun, holding a wine glass half-filled with dark red wine, looked at him with rare anticipation. His eyes showed expectation for an answer about feeling jealous of a joint project, or being conscious of the person he worked with.
It was a different emotion from when he had been upset during phone calls if Rau showed jealousy. The emotion he revealed at that moment was so endearing that Rau wanted to cup his flushed cheeks and shower them with kisses.
Rau bit his lower lip to suppress the impulse. Instead, he gently stroked Lee Hyun’s face from his forehead to his chin with his fingertips. As contact between them continued, some offered admiring glances mixed with envy, while others sent jeers. It seemed he would have to accept being the victim of their mischievous curiosity today.
Rau took a sip of wine and cleared his throat.
“Apart from my affection for Lee Hyun, I’m confident that my affection and understanding of his work are second to none. So I want to say I don’t feel jealousy, and that would be a mature attitude… but honestly, it bothers me. The communion we share while creating together is something I can’t experience with him.”
It was a brief answer, an attempt to be as honest as possible. Lee Hyun merely took another sip of his drink without showing any clear reaction. Rau lightly ruffled his hair. It was an action meant to hide his awkwardness.
“Ah, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s so spot-on it’s making me angry.”
The woman with dreadlocks shook her head, leaning back as if to withdraw from the game.
“We’ve confirmed the affection, so let’s talk about the downsides of a long-distance relationship. When you’re apart, you get upset over trivial things, and even brief periods of no contact can lead to suspicion. The issue of intimacy is also something we can’t honestly ignore.”
This time, Ben stepped in. As if wanting to quickly throw the audience the prey they desired—the hardships of long-distance relationships, petty complaints about each other—he provoked Rau more directly. But Rau had no intention of doing so.
“I don’t know about others, but long-distance relationships have their own advantages. Because we’re apart, we cherish each other so much that most problems don’t even feel like problems.”
Rau was clearly determined to flaunt his affection this time. Though he seemed mischievous at first glance, Ben was easy to deal with. When he was the one interacting, Rau felt a bit more at ease. Rau added smugly,
“And intimacy is a trivial matter compared to him building his career here.”
“Someone like that on Wednesdays….”
Jun, as usual, interjected with a muttered, sarcastic remark.
“Huh? What about Wednesday? What is it?”
The Malaysian youth pushed up his thick-rimmed glasses, showing curiosity. Jun remained silent about any specific explanation regarding ‘Wednesday.’
However, Lee Hyun’s face, having understood what Jun was talking about, was completely flushed, all the way to his ears. As if he himself was aware of his reddened face, Lee Hyun vigorously rubbed his face with the hand not holding his glass.
Wednesday was the day Rau had arrived a day earlier than scheduled. Despite his caution, it seemed Jun, in the room right next door, had faintly heard sounds of them being intimate.
Someone brought up the story of a member of ‘The Hands’ who broke up after a long-distance relationship. It seemed to be about someone everyone knew well. While the topic briefly shifted elsewhere, Rau took the opportunity to excuse himself, saying he was going for a cigarette.
Lee Hyun, looking up as he left, seemed somewhat relieved. It was as if they thought their teasing would subside if even one of them were gone. Lee Hyun was by no means naive for his age, but he had a certain innocence in these matters. It was understandable why the group, wanting to tease him a little, felt the way they did. Rau gave Lee Hyun a brief smile and stepped out of the cafe.
The temperature was slightly above 5 degrees Celsius, but instead of feeling cold, it felt refreshingly cool. Under the narrow awning, Rau lit a cigarette and glanced back into the cafe.
He thought their overreaction might be because the other person was Lee Hyun. They must have assumed Lee Hyun’s relationships were the so-called cool type, with little expression and minimal physical contact. If Lee Hyun himself had been reticent about his boyfriends until now, the probability of that assumption was even higher.
Streetlights began to flicker on one by one along the street, veiled in a faint mist. Rau felt the humid, cool air on his skin and exhaled a long plume of smoke.
His thoughts inevitably turned to Lee Hyun’s past situation, where he couldn’t talk about his boyfriend. The memory of their reunion was vivid. The sensation of a chill running down his spine when Lee Hyun mentioned a colleague from the next room in Hong Kong showing interest was also palpable.
“I told him I had a boyfriend. I felt I had to draw a line. Was I lying?”
The title of boyfriend, which he had named, felt like a special honor that he had striven his entire life to obtain. That title implied Lee Hyun’s forgiveness.
He wanted nothing more than to be accepted by him and live by his side. In the face of that meaning, all the values he had pursued in life became insignificant. It was the same now.
To empty himself, and to entrust his own judgment entirely to the other’s hands. It was a humble earnestness he had never experienced before.
He felt himself shrinking, blurring, becoming one of countless specks of dust in the universe. Yet, it wasn’t miserable. Rau himself couldn’t properly explain how that was possible.
It wasn’t because he was certain of Lee Hyun’s forgiveness. It might have been because he had prepared himself to wait for Lee Hyun his entire life. He had committed such a wrong, and Lee Hyun was a person worth waiting for, even if it meant paying such a price.
It was the first time he had to endure hardship in front of third parties just to play the role of someone’s lover. He had lived thinking he was the type who detested such things, that he would never meet someone he wanted to be with enough to bear such a burden.
He preferred to live alone rather than reveal his abnormal identity as a Ghost to anyone. Though he was lonely due to his peculiar nature, it wasn’t because he needed someone to understand him. He didn’t lack self-esteem to the point of needing others’ understanding to alleviate his solitude.
But now, he could no longer afford to be so arrogant.
Even if Lee Hyun hadn’t been Diamond Dust, and even if he hadn’t committed the mistake of Changing him, he would have eventually wanted to show him his very end.
He didn’t care about anyone else. With the understanding and acceptance of just one person, the loneliness that had clung to him like a part of his being was resolved. Neither his Alpha self nor his Ghost self was grotesque anymore, thanks to Lee Hyun.
Instead, a deep furrow remained in its place, the pain Lee Hyun had to endure to forgive and accept him. That scar was now his own self, the life he had to live. His life’s direction had shifted, marked by an event he had never considered before.
Through a single pane of glass, the boisterous laughter from inside the cafe sounded distant. Rau raised his left hand, adorned with a ring, and brought the cigarette to his lips, which held a faint smile.
“Director!”
He turned his head at the familiar Korean voice. Yuni was waving and approaching from the entrance of the alley by the canal.
“That took a while?”
“Yes, well… I was talking with Michelle….”
She averted her gaze, mumbling an excuse, her face looking more tired than usual.
Yuni glanced into the cafe over Rau’s shoulder and asked to borrow a cigarette. Her smoking was rare, less than half a pack a year. Rau silently handed her his pack and, as she took a long first drag, casually asked,
“Did you and Michelle fight?”
“…….”
Yuni paused for a moment. She didn’t seem unwilling to talk. Rather, with an attitude of wanting to confide in someone trustworthy, she lowered her shoulders and began to speak.
“We didn’t fight… or maybe we did.”
She roughly ran her hand through her short hair, then tucked it behind her ear, taking a drag from the cigarette.
She started by saying that as her relationship with Michelle deepened, they had recently begun sharing more about their family situations. Though she couldn’t go into detail, Michelle’s father had been suffering from a chronic illness for a long time.
“He’s already retired and is managing his health, so he’s doing well now… but he’s always at risk of his condition suddenly worsening or developing another more serious illness. She said that if that happened, she might have to return to England, even temporarily, a few days ago.”
Michelle had likely judged it as a courtesy to share potential possibilities in advance, given how deep their relationship had become and how precious they were to each other.
Rau took one last deep drag from his now considerably shorter cigarette and turned to discard the butt.
“When I met her at the exhibition earlier, I told her I’d go to England with her if that happened.”
“…….”
Rau stopped and turned to Yuni as he ground the cigarette butt into the stand-style ashtray.
“But she flatly refused, saying it was absolutely impossible. She said my career must not be hindered because of her.”
Yuni took a drag, exhaled the smoke, and continued after a brief pause.
“We clashed over that. It wasn’t a topic we could discuss and reach an agreement on quickly, so we parted ways for today… I didn’t expect Michelle to react like that, so I’m feeling a bit… you know.”
As Yuni’s voice, tinged with bitterness, reached him, Rau folded his arms and looked down at the ground.
“It’s not that I’m willing to give up my career and dreams to be with Michelle. There are plenty of good galleries in England too. Michelle is more than a lover; she stimulates and anchors me. Even though I haven’t had many romantic relationships, I know how rare it is to meet someone like that. My career isn’t the only important element that makes up my life.”
“You’re precious to Michelle too… that’s why she said that.”
Rau could only say that because he empathized with both Yuni’s and Michelle’s positions and feelings. Yuni, who had been focused on smoking for a moment, also seemed to understand Michelle’s true intentions.
She looked at the sale items displayed in front of the flower shop across the street diagonally and said,
“When I first came here and was having a hard time, Michelle helped me in many ways. It wasn’t just simple kindness; it made me feel like I wasn’t alone, even in this foreign land. If I can’t be there for Michelle when she’s at her hardest… what’s the meaning of love?”
Her last sentence, muttered as if to herself, struck Rau deeply. It wasn’t that he had heard a clear definition of love. Such a definition couldn’t exist. But surely, no one would argue that being there for someone in their hardest times wasn’t love.
Rau fiddled with his ring with his clasped hands, mulling over her words. He noticed a man lingering in front of the flower shop. The man, holding a bunch of yellow mimosas, smiled happily as he inhaled their fragrance. Rau and Yuni stood side by side, gazing at the man’s face.
The man paid and left the flower shop, the mimosa bouquet tucked into his shopping basket.
“Oh, Lee Hyun scolded me. He said I broke my promise not to tell you.”
Suddenly changing her tone to a brighter one, Yuni leaned over and nudged Rau with her shoulder. Rau smiled apologetically.
“I understand Lee Hyun’s feelings, but… if my partner was sick in that faraway land and I didn’t know, I would be so upset. That’s why I told you. I didn’t expect you to pack your bags and get on a plane three hours later just because I said I had a cold.”
At the end of her sentence, Yuni shot Rau a slight glance.
“I got scolded too. For overdoing it and changing my schedule just because I had a cold.”
Rau rubbed one arm with the other and glanced back through the glass window. Yuni laughed, seemingly amused. Then, with a lingering smile, she lowered her gaze.
“I don’t know who opposed it more, you or Lee Hyun, when it came to him joining ‘The Hands’… but now you’re getting along well again, and I’m not trying to butt in or give advice, but… perhaps Lee Hyun was relieved when you came. At least, that’s how it seemed to me.”
“…….”
Yuni seemed to believe that the reason Rau and Lee Hyun had separated temporarily was due to a conflict of opinions regarding Lee Hyun’s transfer to ‘The Hands.’ It was a completely mistaken assumption, but it was just an assumption, and she wasn’t certain either.
“Don’t take Lee Hyun’s words too literally. He fundamentally doesn’t want others to suffer because of him. He tries not to cause harm to those he cares about.”
In the worst situation at the time, if Lee Hyun had to come here alone without Yuni, he would undoubtedly have been much more lonely. She, who understood Lee Hyun best, had no intention of closing her ears to others’ words. Yuni and Lee Hyun had relied on each other and grown close over more than a year spent here. Her advice was certainly worth considering.
Rau nodded thoughtfully, his lips closed. She gave him a brief smile.
“Anyway, I’m going to drink and get drunk today. I’m mad at Michelle too. I’m going to rebel.”
Having declared this, Yuni discarded her cigarette butt and disappeared into the cafe first. The sounds of her companions welcoming her could be heard noisily from outside the door.
Rau didn’t feel like immediately blending into that warmth. He briefly watched Lee Hyun’s back as he greeted Yuni among the crowd, then turned away. He intended to smoke one more cigarette before going in.
It was just as he was slowly drawing the first puff after lighting it. He felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist from behind. A smile involuntarily spread across Rau’s lips, which held the filter.
“Why… aren’t you coming in.”
He could sense Lee Hyun trying to clearly articulate his slurred words, likely due to the alcohol. Then came a soft whisper, “I waited.” Lee Hyun’s breath on his neck sent a light shiver down his spine.
“Aren’t you cold?”
Rau gently stroked the arms around him and pulled Lee Hyun forward. He unceremoniously dropped the cigarette, which he had only taken one puff from, into the ashtray and embraced him tightly with both arms.
He didn’t care what kind of jeers came from inside the cafe. These few days, where he could see, hear, and touch the real Lee Hyun, were too short and precious to worry about what others thought.
“Because of what my parents do, I used to draw a lot when I was young.”
“…….”
He felt Lee Hyun’s gaze, his chin resting on Rau’s collarbone, looking up at him. Lee Hyun’s face must have shown curiosity, wondering what he was about to say. Rau continued his story, his gaze fixed on the colorful baskets in front of the flower shop.
“Until I was about ten, brushes and paints were very familiar toys, and my parents said, though it might be subjective, that I had quite a talent.”
“…….”
“I guess I should have kept drawing instead of quitting. Or… I should have pursued photography more seriously instead of just as a hobby.”
Only then did Rau look down at Lee Hyun. Even with his eyes blinking slowly in his drunken state, he was listening intently with a serious expression. Releasing one arm from around Rau’s waist, Rau brushed the hair from Lee Hyun’s forehead.
“You working with other people. Drawing other people, or other people owning your work. That makes me far more jealous than anything else. This jealousy of mine… Seo Yi-hyun doesn’t like it much, but…”
Lee Hyun, dropping his serious expression, let out a soft chuckle. Rau hugged him tightly, as if to punish him. And he spoke in a deliberately light tone,
“But I have the goal of becoming the most faithful supporter of Seo Yi-hyun’s artistic world, and a perfect partner, both personally and creatively… I will manage this feeling. I’m just telling you, so you know.”
The more they were apart, the more sensitive Lee Hyun was to Rau’s emotions. He didn’t want to cause worry, and he was always cautious when discussing things that might bother Rau. Rau was the same, but now, he didn’t want to hide even the most trivial emotions. Even if it was for the sake of not worrying him. He knew that misunderstandings could arise from not talking about things, from postponing them, from merely remaining silent, even without outright lying. In that case, it was better to bicker as things came up.
An elderly woman passing by the two embracing people made eye contact with Rau and smiled warmly. Rau silently returned her smile, careful not to let Lee Hyun notice, and pulled him closer with his arms.
Lee Hyun, who had been fidgeting slightly in his embrace, spoke in a low voice,
“You’re not coming in…”
He seemed to be trying to clearly articulate his words, which were slurred by the alcohol. Then followed a soft whisper, “I waited.” Lee Hyun’s breath on his neck sent a light shiver down his spine.
“Aren’t you cold?”
Rau gently stroked the arms around him and pulled Lee Hyun forward. He unceremoniously dropped the cigarette, which he had only taken one puff from, into the ashtray and embraced him tightly with both arms.
He didn’t care what kind of jeers came from inside the cafe. These few days, where he could see, hear, and touch the real Lee Hyun, were too short and precious to worry about what others thought.
“Because of what my parents do, I used to draw a lot when I was young.”
“…….”
He felt Lee Hyun’s gaze, his chin resting on Rau’s collarbone, looking up at him. Lee Hyun’s face must have shown curiosity, wondering what he was about to say. Rau continued his story, his gaze fixed on the colorful baskets in front of the flower shop.
“Until I was about ten, brushes and paints were very familiar toys, and my parents said, though it might be subjective, that I had quite a talent.”
“…….”
“I guess I should have kept drawing instead of quitting. Or… I should have pursued photography more seriously instead of just as a hobby.”
Only then did Rau look down at Lee Hyun. Even with his eyes blinking slowly in his drunken state, he was listening intently with a serious expression. Releasing one arm from around Rau’s waist, Rau brushed the hair from Lee Hyun’s forehead.
“You working with other people. Drawing other people, or other people owning your work. That makes me far more jealous than anything else. This jealousy of mine… Seo Yi-hyun doesn’t like it much, but…”
Lee Hyun, dropping his serious expression, let out a soft chuckle. Rau hugged him tightly, as if to punish him. And he spoke in a deliberately light tone,
“But I have the goal of becoming the most faithful supporter of Seo Yi-hyun’s artistic world, and a perfect partner, both personally and creatively… I will manage this feeling. I’m just telling you, so you know.”
The more they were apart, the more sensitive Lee Hyun was to Rau’s emotions. He didn’t want to cause worry, and he was always cautious when discussing things that might bother Rau. Rau was the same, but now, he didn’t want to hide even the most trivial emotions. Even if it was for the sake of not worrying him. He knew that misunderstandings could arise from not talking about things, from postponing them, from merely remaining silent, even without outright lying. In that case, it was better to bicker as things came up.
An elderly woman passing by the two embracing people made eye contact with Rau and smiled warmly. Rau silently returned her smile, careful not to let Lee Hyun notice, and pulled him closer with his arms.
Lee Hyun, who had been fidgeting slightly in his embrace, spoke in a low voice,
“You were always a perfect supporter, even from the beginning.”
“…….”
The presence in his arms sometimes left him speechless. It moved Rau, making him wonder how it was possible.
Thinking of the definition of forgiveness Jacques Derrida spoke of, which Lee Hyun had mentioned during a call once, Rau ruffled the back of his head.
“Don’t keep looking at me so leniently. What will you do if I start to get out of hand?”
Lee Hyun laughed, pressing his forehead against Rau’s shoulder. Even the fact that the tremor from Lee Hyun’s laughter was transmitted directly to him felt special. Rau let out a deep breath, “Hoo,” wrapped an arm around Lee Hyun’s shoulder, and kissed his ear. He felt Lee Hyun’s two hands gripping the waist of his thin knit.
“Even if people misunderstand my intentions, and there are times I feel scared in front of the canvas because of those gazes… when I remember that at least one person will see my heart as it is, then… I gain the courage to boldly draw what I want to draw.”
“……”
It was fortunate they were holding each other. Rau lowered his head once more and buried his lips in his cheek. The cheek, flushed with intoxication, was hot like that Wednesday night when he had been suffering from a fever.
“I know I’m not good at expressing myself…. But, um… it’s not that I hate jealousy, it’s just that when Kun says things like that, my emotions waver, and I start to miss you… and that’s what’s hard… that’s why I acted that way.”
Rau pulled Lee Hyun away and looked at his face. He was clearly more intoxicated than Rau had ever seen him, but he was earnestly trying to convey his thoughts clearly.
As much as he wanted to see him, Lee Hyun must have felt the same. Just as he had made a half-hearted proposal because he didn’t want to restrict him, perhaps Lee Hyun was also enduring the time apart because he didn’t want to interfere with his life and work.
Rau slowly shook his head.
“Uh, um… why, why are you looking at me like that?”
It was clear he was having trouble speaking clearly now, and Lee Hyun’s pronunciation became slow and slurred again. Rau smiled, pressing his forehead against Lee Hyun’s.
“Just because. Because being together feels like a dream, and I like it.”
Rubbing their noses together, he overlapped his lips with Lee Hyun’s. He remembered their first kiss, shared on the terrace at the party hosted by ‘The Hands’. Lee Hyun, flustered by just a kiss and quickly flushed, and his own unfamiliar self, losing his usual composure, stimulated by such clumsy reactions.
After a few kisses, gently pressing and lifting his lips, he tilted his chin and delved deeper into him. The sweetness of wine lingered on Lee Hyun’s lips. It was cozy and warm, and he didn’t want to pull away.
Lee Hyun’s hands, which had been gripping his waist, moved up his back and wrapped around his shoulders. Rau pulled his shoulders closer and stepped back. His back hit the glass wall of the cafe. A damp chill seeped into his thin knit, but it didn’t matter.
Given the location, he didn’t use his tongue. As he alternately kissed Lee Hyun’s sweet upper and lower lips, Lee Hyun also pursed his lips and enveloped Rau’s. The sweet sound of their mucous membranes pressing and separating tickled his ears.
After holding and pulling each other’s shoulders several times, Lee Hyun was the first to push his chest away. Lowering his gaze, he covered his lips with the back of his hand and lowered his voice.
“Let’s go inside. Awi’s nose… is cold.”
“Lee Hyun-ah.”
“……”
“I can’t help it. I think my Pheromone is about to come out.”
Lee Hyun relaxed his shoulders and laughed. Then, he lightly pushed Rau’s chest with a loosely clenched fist and pulled away. Rau grabbed Lee Hyun’s wrist and pulled him back. He bit his lower lip, suppressing a laugh, and wrapped his arms around his waist again.
Rau lowered his head to kiss him, and Lee Hyun twisted his body to avoid his face. They spent a long time like that, playing in front of the cafe. They didn’t feel the cold.
When they returned inside the cafe, both of them had flushed faces, and Lee Hyun held a bouquet of yellow mimosa in his hand.
■ ■ ■
“Not for long… just for 2, 3 days.”
Rau entered the bathroom, leaving the door open just a crack, and spoke in a low voice on the phone. He put one hand in the front pocket of his unbelted robe and swept his hair back.
“No, I’m fine now. The pre-opening event went well yesterday. Yeah. So… regardless of that, I just want to rest for 2, 3 more days.”
Upon hearing that he wanted to stay a few more days, Manager Han, seizing an opportunity, was busy teasing him. After wrestling with her for a while, Rau finally leaned his back against the tiled wall as if surrendering. The hair he was holding fell lightly onto his forehead. “Ha… fine. Think whatever you want and tease me all you want. I can’t bear to leave because I miss my younger lover I left in Paris. I’m still worried about being sick. Like Manager Han said, I’m overprotective. So I’ll stay a few more days and leave after I’m completely healthy. Okay?”
The victor’s cheerful laughter could be heard from the other end of the phone. Rau rubbed his bare face vigorously and quickly ended the call, pulling away from the wall.
“I’m hanging up assuming Manager Han has agreed?”
It felt like everyone was making fun of his and Lee Hyun’s relationship. He wasn’t the type to be flustered in such situations, but he felt strange, reacting clumsily and being taken aback.
Shaking his head, Rau was about to leave the bathroom when he stopped in front of the mirror hanging over the sink.
He put his phone in his robe pocket, rested his hand on the edge of the sink, and stroked his bluish jawline. As evidence of the previous night’s intimacy that lasted until dawn, the man in the mirror had hazy eyes, like sugared donuts.
Seen from afar, his eyes, which seemed to have only whites without pupils or irises, were strange and uncomfortable for anyone to look at. Children would surely scream and run away. Lee Hyun’s description of them as ‘snow globes’ was impossible without the filter of love.
Rau still lacked the confidence to show these eyes to Lee Hyun. They were grotesque, but more than that, they were now a painful mark for Rau, a reminder of what he had done to Lee Hyun.
Pain was natural. He didn’t want to forget. Even if Lee Hyun had cleanly forgiven him, it wasn’t something he should treat as if it never happened.
He carefully closed the bathroom door and returned to the cramped kitchen. Lee Hyun was buried in a pile of soft blankets, stretching.
“You’re awake?”
“Um… what time is it?”
His voice was thick with sleep. Rau sat on the edge of the mattress and pulled away the blanket that half-covered Lee Hyun’s face.
“A little past 10. You can sleep more, but would you like some coffee?”
Lee Hyun, peeking out from under the blanket, looked up at Rau and nodded. At his gaze, which met his white eyes, Rau rubbed the back of his neck and quickly got up.
When he returned with lightly brewed hand-drip coffee in a large mug, Lee Hyun was sitting up. His upper body, exposed from the white bedding, was beautiful even through his blurry vision.
In just over a month, Lee Hyun’s body had become firmer and leaner. His physique, at the peak of youth, was gradually becoming closer to that of a young man than a boy.
Last night, Lee Hyun had been pleasantly drunk and had become more honest in a shorter amount of time than usual. Recalling his bold seduction, Rau immediately felt a heavy sensation between his legs. His penis stirred inside his underwear, the only garment he wore besides his robe.
He hadn’t been this defenseless against sexual stimulation even as a boy. His reaction was immediate, as if exposed to the Pheromone of a powerful Golden Omega. It was because Lee Hyun was a Diamond Dust.
The more they intertwined, the stronger his influence became, and now, with the lingering effects of their time in bed, the stimulation was even simpler. The tautly tensed Pheromone coursed rapidly through his veins. They were in a state where they could pounce on each other at any moment, ignited by a spark.
Clearing his throat to shake off his arousal, Rau handed the mug to Lee Hyun. He bent down to give him a morning kiss on the forehead and turned to leave, but Lee Hyun grabbed his wrist.
“Aren’t you drinking with me?”
“I was preparing to make you pancakes.”
“You don’t have to… you can barely see.”
Lee Hyun lowered the corners of his eyes and stroked Rau’s wrist with his thumb.
Lee Hyun had always been bothered by Rau’s meticulous care that naturally followed sex. Even though they had tangled together last night, covering his entire body with fluids, his body was still dry and fresh this morning.
Moreover, he had no memory of what happened after the second knotting this morning. He didn’t know if Rau had taken him to the bathroom to wash him or if he had wiped him down with a towel.
“It’s a familiar place. If I’m careful, I can manage.”
“I like the pancakes Kun makes, so I’m happy…”
Rau ruffled Lee Hyun’s hair, which looked apologetic, and tied the front of his robe with the belt.
“Wake up a bit while you drink your coffee. The batter is ready, I just need to cook it.”
Rau retreated like he was escaping, returning to the kitchen counter. Before calling Manager Han, he poured the batter he had prepared in a clear bowl into a frying pan and shaped it into a circle, trying his best to focus on other thoughts.
“Did you have all the ingredients?”
“……”
As if unaware of his efforts, Lee Hyun, who had approached from behind, rested his chin on Rau’s shoulder and looked down at the frying pan. He was also wearing a robe.
“I bought them yesterday before the party, because I wanted to make you breakfast.”
They both realized that this meant he was certain there would be sex after the party.
Lee Hyun pressed his forehead against Rau’s shoulder, trying to suppress a laugh.
“Am I too sly?”
He bit his lower lip and shook his head.
“You’re not feeling well, shouldn’t you go wait at the table? It’ll be ready soon.”
“Why do you keep trying to distance yourself?”
His lower body ached dully, and his skin between his legs felt slightly sore. However, it wasn’t so bad that he couldn’t move around in the small room.
Lee Hyun gently embraced Rau’s waist, who was unnecessarily pressing down on the pancake cooking on its own with a silicone spatula.
“Is it because of your eyes? I like them. They’re beautiful enough that I want to keep looking.”
Rau turned the induction dial to low heat and turned around.
“I get stimulated.”
“……”
“Like I’m a teenager. Just you coming near me…”
Having said that much, Rau sighed, running a hand through his bangs, feeling pathetic. Then, with a ‘what the hell’ attitude, he guided Lee Hyun’s hand to his crotch.
“It gets like this.”
“Ah…”
Lee Hyun understood Rau’s awkwardness, feeling the distinct shape and warmth beneath the robe, the soft yet firm texture. He also understood why he had been tightly fastening the front of his robe, unlike usual.
Lee Hyun looked up at Rau’s white eyes for a moment and then suddenly asked.
“This is because I’m Didi, isn’t it?”
“Because you’re Didi, and because you’re Seo Yi-hyun.”
He remembered someone grumbling at a drinking session with his ‘The Hands’ colleagues last night that Rau only spoke the truth. Lee Hyun felt he had no choice but to agree.
“I have something I want to ask…”
Lee Hyun hesitated before starting.
Rau quickly flipped the three pancakes cooking simultaneously on the large frying pan and turned back to Lee Hyun.
“The person who underwent Changing… or rather, someone who attempted Changing even once, there hasn’t been anyone until now, right?”
“……”
Rau bit his lower lip and slowly nodded.
Lee Hyun, gazing intently at Rau’s hazy eyes, stroked his cheek and kissed him there. Then, without a word, he quietly went to the dining table and began tidying up laptops, tablets, and art books so they could set the table.
Rau, blankly rubbing the spot where he had been kissed, watched Lee Hyun, then slowly turned and hurried to prepare the meal.
The breakfast spread was quite generous, with thick Scottish grilled salmon, orange juice from a nearby organic store, and avocado salad accompanying the pancakes.
To Lee Hyun, who admired and thanked him, Rau said humbly.
“They look impressive, but they’re all things that can be made without much effort.”
Seating himself across the table from Lee Hyun, he poured orange juice into two glasses.
“If my condition isn’t bad, shall we go for a walk in the nearby park after breakfast? I can wear sunglasses.”
Lee Hyun paused, his hand cutting a piece of pancake, and gazed at Rau for a moment before nodding.
Lee Hyun seemed to understand the reason for Rau’s suggestion. It was likely an attempt to restrain himself, as he felt he would immediately try to have sex if they were alone in this room.
Since it was Sunday and Rau was in Paris, they had decided to take the morning off from work, and he thought it would be nice to just lounge around the room until their afternoon work, but he didn’t want to disregard Rau’s efforts.
They ate leisurely, exchanging various stories without order: about the works revealed at the party, about the personalities of the colleagues they had mingled with last night, and about the sex they had immediately after returning to room 601, like starving people, shedding each other’s clothes and tangling, which had heated up without any preheating. About an hour passed.
When most of the plates were empty, Rau opened a bottle of dessert wine, using Sunday as an excuse. Pushing the plates aside, Rau poured the yellowish wine into two glasses and offered one to Lee Hyun.
“When I spoke briefly with Yuni yesterday, she seemed to vaguely think that we had clashed because you were coming to ‘The Hands’.”
Lee Hyun, having completely finished his meal and wiped his mouth with a napkin, nodded as he brought the wine Rau offered to his lips.
Lee Hyun had also vaguely guessed Yuni’s thoughts. From an outsider’s perspective, there was no other issue between them, so it wasn’t unreasonable for speculation to lean that way.
“It must be inconvenient for you that we’re keeping what happened between us a secret from Yuni and others… When the Changing is completely finished, I’ll have to let people know I’ve become an Omega, and if I say it was a natural manifestation, that would also be… a lie.”
Rau had consistently urged Lee Hyun to let people know about his Changing, at least to those who wouldn’t carelessly spread the word even if Rau’s Ghost status was revealed.
The scope of confession also included the act of Rau proceeding with the Changing while keeping it from Lee Hyun. Lee Hyun had been postponing his decision because he wasn’t entirely comfortable with it.
“Then I’ll have to reveal that Kun is a Ghost too, is that okay?”
“It’s more important that I clarify the wrong I committed against you.”
Rau’s expression was calm, as he had already made up his mind long ago. He had said that people around him had the right to know his true nature. While he knew Rau felt a debt to himself and those around him, Lee Hyun’s opinion differed slightly.
He didn’t consider the initial unilateral Changing as Rau’s true nature. If such darkness were his essence, he wouldn’t have been able to resolve to try and make things work with him again. Rather, it was an unprecedented rampage that had greatly deviated from the path of Rau Wikun.
“I don’t like the idea of other people, besides the person directly involved, seeing Awi differently because of this.”
Lee Hyun stroked the dessert wine glass, which had a soft diamond shape, and looked down at Rau’s left hand resting on the table.
“Of course, everyone around us is a good person, and they’ll judge wisely… but you don’t have an obligation to tell everyone about a mistake made in a romantic relationship. If I had intended to resolve the issue in a public manner, I wouldn’t have accepted Awi back in the first place.”
Rau’s will to pay a price in some way could, viewed differently, be self-satisfaction. If his top priority was truly his own happiness, Lee Hyun sincerely wished he wouldn’t expand the problem any further.
Lee Hyun mechanically took a sip of wine, but he couldn’t quite taste it.
“If revealing it to others leads to another problem, then aside from Awi, I myself will suffer again… and that’s not for my sake. It’s just… it’s just making me suffer twice because of the Changing.”
With a serious expression, Rau listened intently and patiently to Lee Hyun, letting out a low groan and nodding. It was less a sign of complete agreement than an expression of understanding Lee Hyun’s feelings. He downed the remaining half of the wine in his small glass in one gulp.
“I’ve tried many times to figure out who I least want to tell about this Changing. To discover my own true feelings.”
“…….”
“Because telling the person I least want to tell could be a punishment for me.”
Rau reached out and gently covered the back of Lee Hyun’s hand resting on the table.
“I understand your thoughts. It’s unthinkable to make you suffer just to ease my guilt. But… for the sake of our future, I think it would be good to tell about two people.”
Lee Hyun met Rau’s gaze directly. In the late morning sunlight pouring through the long window that covered the entire wall facing the street, his two white eyes sparkled, bringing to mind a snowfield.
“One of them would be the Director, I think. The other one is…”
“Mother… I plan to tell Suki Kim. If you’re okay with it, I’m planning a brief stop in Hong Kong on my way back to Seoul this time.”
Rau spoke cautiously, observing Lee Hyun’s reaction. Lee Hyun’s expression contorted significantly with undisguised surprise and worry. His gaze wavered, and a faint moan escaped his parted lips.
Lee Hyun knew the efforts and sacrifices Suki Kim had made to prevent her son, a Ghost, from making such a mistake. Therefore, he could fully anticipate her disappointment in her son once she learned the situation.
Rau gripped Lee Hyun’s hand tightly.
“The person I least wanted to be discovered by. And at the same time, the person I most wanted to confess to has found out. Now… I fear nothing else. Whatever the outcome, it will only be the price for the sins I have committed.”
The person he least wanted to be discovered by, and simultaneously the person he most wanted to confess to.
With just that deep gaze, Lee Hyun knew he was talking about him. Entwining his fingers with Rau’s fingers clasped over his hand, Lee Hyun nodded heavily.
He had wanted the issue to be confined strictly between Lau Wikun and Seo Yi-hyun, but he couldn’t fail to understand Rau’s guilt. Perhaps it was his minimal struggle to embrace his own self and live on, without despising himself to the very bottom. He couldn’t control that.
Due to the weight of the conversation they had just had, the two tidied up their meal and prepared to go out in a somewhat subdued atmosphere.
Although the weather was clear, the morning temperature was still around 5 degrees Celsius. Rau, wearing a casually designed coat and a scarf around his neck, stopped Lee Hyun, who was about to leave the room without gloves, and personally put them on him.
“You were sick just a few days ago, you can’t let your guard down just because you’re feeling a bit better.”
As he put on the gloves, he glanced at Lee Hyun and also packed a thermos of hot coffee.
Standing side-by-side, wearing sunglasses and each holding a thermos, they looked like protagonists in an action-comedy movie. On the way to the park, Lee Hyun chuckled several times.
Among the several entrances, they entered Parc des Buttes-Chaumont through the gate near the 19th arrondissement. Buttes-Chaumont, whose name means ‘small hill,’ is a park with continuous large and small hills, and Lee Hyun felt a greater affection for it than for the larger Parc de la Villette nearby.
The two began to walk slowly along the path that circled the lake.
The park was quite lively with people enjoying the rare sunny Sunday. For the locals who enjoyed walking or reading in the park even in mid-winter as long as the sun was out, a temperature of around 5 degrees Celsius was not an issue.
Although he considered himself quite resistant to the cold and thought the winter here was mild compared to Korea’s, he still couldn’t quite manage reading a book in the park in mid-winter like the Parisians. He had tried a few times, but when he sat still without walking or moving, he felt his body freeze from the core, regardless of the temperature. After 10 minutes, his fingertips, turning pages, would become stiff and tremble.
Instead, until autumn, he often visited with his ‘The Hands’ colleagues, Yuni, or Michelle to drink beer, or he would have a simple lunch with sandwiches bought from a nearby shop. It was also a place where he would take solo walks or sketch.
The fact that he was walking here with Rau felt new to Lee Hyun. This moment felt like a miracle obtained after enduring a harsh winter. Even if it was a bit of a sentimental exaggeration, it was clear that this was by no means a simple, lucky happiness.
Thanks to the temperature rarely dropping below freezing, the lawn was still green even after winter. Although not many, some people were sitting or lying on the grass, basking in the sun. A female couple, who had brought their toddler who had just started walking, sat on the grass, leaning their heads on each other’s shoulders, watching their child with smiles that seemed to encompass the world.
Within the approximately 500 meters they had walked from the entrance, Lee Hyun had already seen at least three same-sex couples with children. Even without children, Rau and Lee Hyun were another same-sex couple, one hand holding a thermos, the other clasped together.
“One of the things I’ve noticed since coming here is how many same-sex couples with children there are.”
Lee Hyun said, his gaze following the wobbly back of a child walking and crawling freely on the grass.
Were they couples with the same primary gender who had adopted children, or were they Alpha-Omega couples with the same primary gender? He couldn’t know for sure, but either way, it wasn’t common.
“The social atmosphere is probably more flexible than in Korea. It’s probably a bit easier for same-sex Alpha-Omega couples to form and live as part of society in their own way.”
There were certainly people here who stubbornly clung to conservative attitudes, like Nicholas’s father. But as Rau said, the overall social atmosphere was indeed more open.
“Perhaps the proportion is similar in Korea, they just hide it and live because they can’t reveal it.”
Rau added, taking a sip of coffee from his thermos, and Lee Hyun nodded.
Once Lee Hyun officially registered as a full Omega, he and Rau would be able to legally marry in most major cities worldwide, including Seoul. As Rau had said when he proposed in Chicago, they wouldn’t need to go through complicated procedures to find cities that recognized the marriage of same-sex couples with matching primary genders.
Regardless of whether they were actually considering marriage, the issue of whether one’s identity was recognized and accepted by society was important.
As Lee Hyun followed Rau off the walking path and onto a gently sloping grassy hill, he thought of the people he had met at ‘Late Blooming.’ Most of them struggled not because of their own standards for their new gender, but because of the prejudice and discrimination from those around them and society.
Passing by people scattered on the grass, they reached another walking path at the top of the hill. Lee Hyun tightened his grip on Rau’s hand and said,
“Um… yesterday was the first time I felt my own Pheromones.”
“……Ah.”
Rau made a sound like he was in pain and stopped walking. Although his eyes couldn’t be seen through his sunglasses, his face looked as if he had collided with something hard.
To make way for a woman jogging past from behind, Rau pulled Lee Hyun’s hand to the side of the path. He placed his thermos on a bench, then took Lee Hyun by both shoulders, his brow furrowed.
“Why… didn’t you tell me right away?”
“When we were both completely drenched in Pheromones and on the verge of Knotting?”
“…….”
Lee Hyun replied with a smile. Rau wiped his mouth, looking embarrassed. Then, he peered into Lee Hyun’s face from beyond his sunglasses. The hands on his shoulders were gripping with almost painful force. After a long moment, he put an arm around Lee Hyun’s shoulders and pulled him into an embrace.
“Weren’t you scared?”
Lee Hyun shook his head at the worried voice.
To avoid showing his disturbed emotions to Lee Hyun, Rau composed his expression before letting him go.
The two settled onto a bench. They looked down at the lake and the island rising high in its center. Gazing at the pavilion on the cliff-like summit of the island, Lee Hyun took off his gloves and held his thermos.
“I had always felt Kun’s Pheromones before, and I knew my Pheromones reacted by becoming more aroused when I smelled his scent… but that was an indirect perception. Yesterday, I knew, ‘This is my Pheromone, my Pheromones are flowing out of me right now.'”
Rau leaned forward, concentrating on Lee Hyun. His furrowed brow still seemed to worry if Lee Hyun had been shocked or frightened.
However, Lee Hyun felt rather relieved. Although it was a process happening within his own body, he hadn’t been able to actually feel it, which had been quite frustrating. Now, it felt like his vision was becoming clearer.
“It’s hard to explain precisely… but if I had to find the closest feeling… it’s like I’ve become a speaker…? So it feels like sound waves are spreading through my body…”
“…….”
“Don’t make that face. Even though it started because of Kun, the outcome was my choice. It’s not Awi’s fault that I’m Didi.”
Rau’s expression didn’t lighten easily. He found Lee Hyun’s hand, wrapped around the thermos, and held it.
“Let’s go to the hospital together. From now on, I’ll come here once a month, so it would be good to visit the hospital together then. We need to get a proper diagnosis of your condition and get a prescription for suppressants that match your progress.”
“Hmm, I don’t know if we can get a hospital appointment that quickly. It’s okay if I go alone.”
Rau was scheduled to leave on Wednesday, so he only had tomorrow and the day after. Medical institutions specializing in handling Alpha-Omega Pheromones were not abundant, even here, so it didn’t seem likely that an appointment would be available so soon.
Rau took off his gloves, put them in his coat pocket, and then, with a slight hesitation, took Lee Hyun’s hand again and fiddled with it.
“Actually… I postponed it by two days.”
“…….”
“Don’t be angry, Lee Hyun. Okay?”
Lee Hyun intertwined his fingers with Rau’s ringed fingers and shook his head.
“I’m not angry. Why would I be angry? Wanting to spend more time together… I feel the same way.”
Lee Hyun knew that Inwoo’s solo exhibition was waiting, along with a reopening event, once the construction was completed. But sometimes, he wanted to be honest with his feelings. He didn’t want Rau to misunderstand, thinking he hated jealousy or would be angry if the schedule was postponed.
“It will be inconvenient because there are more things to worry about than when you lived as a male Beta.”
Tension was evident in Rau’s voice.
“I know. I’ve looked into everything, considered whether I can handle it… and whether it’s worth it, before making up my mind. We’ve had such a long time together, haven’t we?”
Stroking Lee Hyun’s cheek with the back of his hand, Rau also forced a smile.
“So, I also know that once I become an Omega, your Alpha instincts will be stimulated, and you will be bound to me.”
Lee Hyun was talking about the Alpha’s protective instinct that manifests towards an Omega with whom they have had continuous relations and exchanged Pheromones.
In modern times, where Alphas and Omegas alike take suppressants to control Pheromone exposure, this had become almost a vestigial organ, an outdated relic.
No Alpha wanted to be bound to another, and Omegas also found it burdensome. While they might enjoy Pheromones with a one-night stand, the trend was to refrain from exposure in continuous relationships. This was to avoid being tied down.
“Of course, this is when we continue to communicate through Pheromones during sex.”
“I want it.”
Rau’s reaction was immediate. He tightened his grip on Lee Hyun’s hand and emphasized,
“To be continuously exposed to your Pheromones… to live a life centered around my relationship with you… that’s what I want.”
He wondered if it was out of guilt. If becoming an Alpha bound to him was a way to compensate for the sin of his Changing. He felt a momentary urge to confirm this, but Lee Hyun soon dismissed the question himself. He already knew the answer.
He had likely decided to live such a life even without the influence of Pheromones. Lee Hyun knew that this didn’t necessarily mean sacrificing his self and choosing a subservient life.
“I’m going to try to become a Golden.”
Rau nodded slightly, as if he had anticipated Lee Hyun’s decision.
“It probably won’t be too difficult for you. I’ll help you with anything I can.”
For a long time, the two were silent. Yet, they didn’t turn their gaze to the surrounding scenery. Facing each other, they communicated without Pheromones through their sunglasses. They looked at each other as if looking at themselves.
Rau’s lips, once cold, turned warm and unreservedly towards Lee Hyun.
“Perhaps it’s an unavoidable inferiority complex towards Betas…”
“…….”
“I wanted to have sex with you without Pheromones. I’ve always been curious about what that would feel like.”
Lee Hyun vaguely understood the meaning of his words.
Once the Changing was complete and he became a full Omega, Pheromone control would be possible, either through the regulation of a Golden or through suppressants. Then, perhaps, a Pheromone-free sex, which could never have happened between Ghost and Didi, might become possible.
Gently stroking the back of Lee Hyun’s hand with his thumb, Rau took off his sunglasses. Lee Hyun was momentarily stunned, his breath catching, but he quickly calmed his agitation and focused solely on Rau.
“Still… even after becoming an Omega, I want to change under the influence of your Pheromones. I want to change.”
Meeting Rau’s white eyes, perhaps revealed in the bright sunlight for the first time, Lee Hyun recalled the day his Great Uncle had visited.
He wanted to change. That night, when they had revealed their inner thoughts through mere metaphors.
He now understood, even if only a little, that to live the life he desired and become the person he wanted to be, he had to break his silence and raise his voice himself.
He would mend the sharp cracks and rebuild trust, making it even stronger. He trusted him on that matter.
Lee Hyun, seeing him squinting as if the light was too bright, put his sunglasses back on and said,
“Actually… there’s a place I’d like Awi to go to for me.”
The high-pitched laughter of a child could be heard from below the hill. The scarf around his neck felt slightly constricting. The texture of the air was definitely different from mid-winter. Slowly, without ever losing its way, the season was changing.
■ DONG-HAE ■
Lee Hyun woke up before the alarm. For a while, he lay there listening to the sound of the waves. Then, he got out of bed, pulled his t-shirt over his head, and walked to the mini-bar. He made a cup of coffee using a drip bag from the available selection and headed to the window. The area around the horizon was beginning to be painted in a dazzling blue and purple light just before sunrise. Despite the cloudy weather, the light seeped through more intensely between the clouds.
The view of the sunrise over the East Sea from the hotel room window was perhaps the only redeeming quality of this old hotel, which looked like it was at least 20 years past its completion.
As he slowly finished his cup of coffee, Rau waited for the yellow sun to fully rise above the water. He had plenty of time.
Having grown up moving between various cities around the world, and perhaps because of it, he wasn’t easily impressed by unfamiliar places. Yet, before this sea connected to the Pacific, his heart stirred.
This was a place where young Lee Hyun, unable to absorb the shock, had been brought by the decisions of adults. A place where he had no choice but to protect himself by responding to silence with more silence, and a place he had turned his back on and fled from.
With one hand in the pocket of his training pants, Rau tilted his glass and recalled another point in his past connected to the sea before him.
It was also the sea he had visited to meet Lee Hyun after learning about his Changing. His own ugliness, standing there helplessly with his hands hanging down, forced to confess belatedly in the face of a truth that had been revealed with nowhere left to retreat. The sea, which had witnessed all of it, felt both unfamiliar and familiar, and at the same time, it made him want to look away.
I had never felt such complex emotions facing any sea before. The sea had always been merely an object of contemplation, sometimes enhancing the relaxed mood of a resort, or a backdrop that made the city’s night view shine brighter.
I swallowed another mouthful of the remaining coffee, its sediment settled at the bottom. I silently gazed down at the waves, endlessly repeating their cycle of rolling in, seeping into the beach, and disappearing. I couldn’t easily tear my eyes away, as if Lee Hyun’s quiet resignation, which never raised his voice to plead his pain, was deeply submerged within them.
Even after the sun had fully risen above the horizon and disappeared behind the clouds, there was ample time left.
After a stroll along the hotel’s beachfront, I vaguely filled my stomach with the unappetizing breakfast served in the first-floor cafeteria. I checked out early and loaded my travel duffel bag into the back seat of the car. My head was clear, despite not having had enough sleep.
There were countless hotels along the East Sea coastline in better condition than this one. I had chosen this place solely because it was the closest to the memorial hall. It would take only about 30 minutes to reach the destination by car.
The sky, which had been heavily overcast during my walk, was now sprinkling a fine drizzle. Before leaving the city, I visited a flower shop I had searched for the day before.
Lee Hyun had said there was no need to bring anything, as the regulations prohibited bringing in flowers or photos to be placed inside cases or attached to glass for decoration. Yet, I didn’t feel right about going empty-handed.
The flower shop owner, with a practiced customer service demeanor, recommended several typical arrangements suitable for visiting a memorial hall. It seemed there was quite a demand for funeral flowers, as there were several other memorial halls nearby. Rau, browsing the small shop, chose roses instead of the recommended arrangements. He asked for them to be arranged simply, with only five or six stems.
“Nowadays, people often choose bright flowers even when visiting the deceased,” the owner said, skillfully securing the stems and applying the wrapping. Rau nodded.
Not knowing much about the practical mourning culture in Korea, I had asked Manager Han beforehand. She had advised that unless it was for a funeral or ancestral rites, there were no strict etiquette rules to follow. She added, “CEO Ryu would be happy just to have been visited.”
Manager Han had said that even without knowing who I was visiting, she said that. She must have vaguely guessed. But I didn’t think the person I was visiting would be happy to see me. I wasn’t very confident.
Leaving the city, I drove for another 20 minutes along the two-lane national highway. Turning south along a small stream branching off a rather large river, the road narrowed and became winding. To the west, low mountains covered in brush stretched out, and to the east, not far from the city, were scattered, narrow rice paddies divided below the mountains. The paddies were dry, it being the end of winter. It was a rural Korean landscape that had become somewhat familiar to Rau from visiting my mother’s studio in Gangwon Province several times.
Rau rolled down the window about a hand’s width. A little rain seeped in, but it wasn’t enough to be bothersome. The refreshing air from the moisture-laden green forest, purifying my lungs, naturally deepened my breaths.
Lee Hyun had told me that because his maternal grandparents had handled the entire funeral, his mother’s ashes had been placed in a private memorial facility on the outskirts of the Seoul metropolitan area. A year after leaving Seoul, his father had personally moved his mother’s ashes here. The family only found out about it about six months after the relocation. The man who never spoke a word had handled it without any family member knowing.
Rau gnawed on his lip, thinking about the man’s way of loving—a man who had turned away from his young son, who had no one else to rely on, and chose to be buried in grief over the loss of his wife, even refusing to attend the funeral of the wife he loved so dearly.
When there was no signpost, and I was starting to get anxious, the naturally formed brushwood ended, and man-made landscaping began. We had arrived at the memorial hall.
Rau parked the car in the lot where the office and lounge were located. After briefly considering whether to take out the umbrella I always kept in the trunk, I grabbed only the bouquet and got out of the car.
Perhaps because it was a weekday and the weather was poor, there were only three or four cars parked. The surroundings were so quiet that the sound of the light rain settling on the forest was clearly audible. A man who appeared to be around Rau’s age opened the door from inside the office upon hearing the car and looked out. Standing on the threshold, he gruffly stated that the bouquet could not be left at the memorial hall. Rau reassured him that I intended to take it back with me. The man scanned Rau up and down with a wary gaze and disappeared back into the office.
Rau began walking up the uphill path behind the parking lot. The road leading to the memorial hall building was well-paved, but visitors could not drive up.
The memorial hall building was nestled cozily, as if surrounded by the forest. The area around the building was eerily quiet, much like the parking lot below.
I casually brushed my hand over the chest of my coat and ascended the gleaming, polished granite steps to enter the building.
I could hear the hushed voices of visitors. I couldn’t see them, only hear their voices. Even then, there seemed to be very few of them.
Finding the section Lee Hyun had told me about, I walked slowly down the aisle between the large wooden shelves where the urns were stored. The wall facing the entrance had windows to let in natural light, but even with the lights on, the interior felt dim. It was probably due to the weather.
The sections were clearly marked, like in a library, so finding the location of the niche was not difficult.
Rau’s quiet footsteps on the floor gradually slowed and then stopped completely.
“…….”
Confirming the name engraved in relief on the small memorial tablet next to the urn, the muscles in both of Rau’s jaw tightened.
Rau licked his lower lip with his tongue. Then, he politely clasped the bouquet he had brought with both hands over his lower abdomen. His head kept bowing as if a heavy weight had been attached to his forehead. His emotions churned as if standing on a ship’s deck.
I was flustered because I hadn’t expected to feel such agitation before the memorial tablet of someone I had never actually met, even though she was Lee Hyun’s mother. I couldn’t pinpoint the exact cause of my heightened emotions.
It was likely not direct mourning for the deceased, but rather compassion, empathy, and guilt for all the processes Lee Hyun had to go through from her death.
Although I couldn’t bring myself to mention my mother’s story to Lee Hyun, fearing I would be touching a wound that still bled, there was someone I feared confessing my Changing to more than Manager Han or Suki Kim. Even if that person was now bone dust, silent among countless other urns, it was the same.
Pressing my lips together to compose my contorted expression, Rau took irregular breaths.
“Happy birthday.”
A confession seeking forgiveness and a promise for the future. Suppressing it all within, I could barely convey those words.
Manager Han had said on the phone that the visit would likely be brief, as there was no grave to tend or food to prepare for rites. However, as I turned to leave with the roses I had used to decorate the proposal to Lee Hyun still in hand, more than 30 minutes had passed.
Stepping outside the building, the rain was still falling. Gazing at the misty forest just ahead, Rau took a long breath. I desperately wanted a cigarette. It was because I had refrained from smoking all morning, feeling it wouldn’t show proper respect.
My feet wouldn’t move. Like someone with lingering attachment, I stood under the concrete awning, my gaze fixed on the quiet, rainy landscape. Someone was approaching rapidly from the uphill path Rau had just walked.
The man, wearing a backpack, walked with long strides without an umbrella. His dynamic movement, the only one in the surroundings, felt like a very conspicuous act.
As the man drew close enough for me to discern his features, I straightened my body, which had been leaning sideways. My brow furrowed. The man, who didn’t even bother to shake off the water droplets on his jacket’s shoulders after entering under the awning, was Lee Hyun’s father.
A momentary crack appeared in the man’s eyes. I instinctively knew he had recognized me too. However, the clash of gazes was fleeting. Lee Hyun’s father passed me by without even slowing his pace.
It took him about 30 minutes to return.
Although he himself had stayed for nearly an hour, Rau couldn’t guess what the man was doing inside, where there was little he was permitted to do. Yet, I patiently stayed put.
It wasn’t because I particularly wanted to say something or hear something. But somehow, I didn’t want to turn away. It wasn’t out of compassion or politeness. If I had to define it, it was closer to the opposite.
“…….”
Even though he had clearly seen my back on his way out, the man again passed me by and descended the stairs. It was as expected. I quietly followed him, maintaining a distance of about ten to sixteen steps.
At the fork where the parking lot and the entrance road diverged, I grabbed the man’s upper arm and blocked his path. His eyes, meeting mine directly for the first time up close, were indeed hazy, as if he had turned his back on the world. They were eyes that seemed to gaze past me at something behind me.
“I’ll give you a ride. Get in.”
“…….”
The man lowered his gaze to the bouquet of roses in my hand. Before the man moved to stand by the car, we stood in confrontation in the drizzle, with the brushwood, darkened by moisture, as a backdrop.
I hadn’t expected my offer to be accepted. But there was no reason to be flustered. Placing the bouquet in the back seat, Rau started the car. As if silence were contagious, I kept my mouth shut until we reached the village, about 30 minutes away in a different direction from the hotel. I didn’t feel like making up plausible stories to gain his favor or ease the atmosphere.
As we drove along the coastal road with the East Sea to our left, the man sat clutching his backpack, gazing out at the gray sea and sky.
When the alley with the shark family mural, where I had stopped the car to wait to meet Lee Hyun, began to appear, Rau slowed down and spoke.
“I went to the memorial hall… at Lee Hyun’s request.”
The sea had long since disappeared from view, but the man’s gaze remained stubbornly fixed outside the car window.
“Lee Hyun is doing well there. He’s healthy, focused on his work, and recognized for it.”
Lee Hyun had been contacting his Great Uncle and his wife periodically, but I deliberately conveyed Lee Hyun’s news directly to imply that I was continuing my relationship with him.
The man turned his head and looked down at the backpack on his lap. His eyelids blinked rapidly.
There was silence between us for a long time again. Only the sea, invisible, made its presence known with the sound of waves. Although Rau didn’t press him, he didn’t get out, and although he persisted, Rau didn’t ask him to leave.
Grasping the top of the steering wheel, Rau tightened his grip. Enduring this place and the man sitting beside me was more painful than I had expected. Releasing my bitten lip, I spoke as if sighing.
“He will probably… become an Omega before the year is out.”
“…….”
The man’s gaze turned to Rau. Rau met his eyes squarely.
The man’s pupils and irises were, of course, normal. Nevertheless, Rau felt his eyes resembled his own white irises after Changing. His eyes, which had been like an empty void, blinked and showed a reaction.
Is he worried, even as a father?
A wicked urge to mock him stirred. Rau’s facial muscles twitched briefly from the patience required to suppress it.
Rau knew Lee Hyun had told the man about Changing. But now, I didn’t feel the guilty shrinking I had felt before the urn. I knew it was unreasonable considering what I had done to Lee Hyun, but instead, anger boiled up towards the man. It was an anger that resembled self-hatred.
Thinking of the hurt and shock the man had inflicted on Lee Hyun made my teeth chatter, yet, on the other hand, I wasn’t sure if I could have handled the same situation any better. Losing Lee Hyun. No, having him taken away. Lee Hyun disappearing one day… What could possibly give me the strength to live again in that hell?
Perhaps my narrow-mindedness, unable to grant this man the forgiveness I had received from Lee Hyun, stemmed from our similarity.
Rau felt a strong urge to smoke again and was the first to avoid the man’s gaze. As I released my clenched fist and ran it over my face, the man unzipped the backpack he had been holding so dearly.
He took out a sketchbook, A4 size, and waved it in front of Rau’s nose as if to say, “Take it.” The man, who was as still as if sunk in the deep sea, would sometimes break his balance with sudden, violent movements.
Rau took the notebook, bewildered.
“…….”
Sketches and studies using pencils, colored pencils, and markers were densely filled on every page of the Kent paper. Rau opened his mouth but couldn’t make a sound.
After losing his wife, the man had turned his back on Lee Hyun and completely abandoned painting, as far as I knew. And when Lee Hyun left this village to go to Paris, he had left all his art supplies behind. “Just in case.” Lee Hyun had said this on a date over cocktails in a dimly lit cafe in Paris, admitting that he didn’t know whether the discarded bait would lead to disappointment or hope, but that he had decided to throw something out anyway, as it was better than the suffocating silence.
A pile of miscellaneous belongings and fishing gear in a corner of the yard, the sea viewed from a cliff-like spot, a corroded gate, a scratched fish, a scurrying dog…
The man had shown his wife the fragments of the narrow world he observed, those crude and pathetic facets.
“…….”
At the sound of the man opening the passenger door, Rau snapped his head up as if waking from a dream.
The man, who had gotten out of the car, was looking at me with eyes whose boundary between pupil and iris was unclear. They were like the eyes of a mermaid, forcibly dragged ashore in a net, or like the eyes of a stag that had encountered a hunter’s rifle while digging in the snow in midwinter for its mate and young.
Rau bit his dry lower lip until it hurt. After standing and looking at Rau for a moment, the man closed the door and ascended the stairs leading to his house, disappearing into the rain.
Rau bent his left hand, which was holding the cover of the sketchbook, and stroked his ring as if searching for a painkiller. I missed Lee Hyun so much it was unbearable.
■ SEOUL ■
Manager Han repeatedly touched and released the handle of the large mug. Her cup was half full of coffee, but she had barely touched it while listening to Rau’s story, so it was likely cold by now.
“Shall I make more coffee?”
“…….”
At Rau’s question, she suddenly looked up. She met his gaze with vacant eyes, as if hearing an unexpected question, and slowly shook her head. Then, as if not wanting her thoughts disturbed, she lowered her gaze back to the mug. Rau swept his hand down his face from his forehead and lit a cigarette after taking a drink of beer.
Manager Han’s silence continued for a while afterward. She pursed her lips a few times as if about to say something, but then closed them even more firmly than before.
When Rau’s newly lit cigarette had burned down about halfway, she finally opened her mouth, seemingly having organized her thoughts.
“Is there anyone else who knows besides me?”
“Shushu and Choi In-woo… Suki Kim.”
Manager Han’s eyes narrowed at the mention of the last name. Rau felt he understood the reason for her reaction.
Although she remained silent about Ghosts, she had once confided in Manager Han about Suki Kim’s efforts, how he had set aside his painting for a time to focus solely on that matter, all to make her a Golden Alpha free from the dominion of pheromones.
Given Suki Kim’s dedication, Manager Han could fully anticipate and was horrified by how disappointed he must have been upon hearing Rau’s confession.
Rau watched the cigarette smoke curl from his hand and added his explanation.
“Shushu thought we were proceeding with Changing by mutual agreement, and Choi In-woo… he asked me to go along with it to buy myself some time. That’s when we talked about it.”
“…….”
“I visited my mother on my way back from Paris this time and told her myself.”
“Then you never intended to tell Shushu or In-woo directly. Why are you telling me this?”
It wasn’t an accusatory tone, but rather a simple curiosity, stating that she didn’t want to know such a sordid side of Rau, her business partner and friend.
“At the time, I just wasn’t thinking about the future at all, let alone making any plans to keep it a secret… Now… I thought Manager Han had the right to know that I’m the one who committed this act.”
Manager Han shook her head almost imperceptibly. It seemed less like a denial of Rau and more like she still couldn’t believe the situation. It was beyond her capacity to accept. She seemed to be postponing a conclusion right there and then.
“What did Teacher say?”
Rau stubbed out the cigarette he had been holding without taking another puff since she spoke, and repeatedly clenched and unclenched his empty fist in a meaningless gesture. She wondered if he would answer her question verbally, but Rau’s wry smile as he lowered his gaze was enough for her to anticipate the situation.
“Does Lee Hyun know that you told Teacher?”
Rau bit his lower lip and nodded.
“We decided to take our time and work through things together regarding Mother. For now… she’s too disappointed….”
Manager Han sighed and leaned back against the chair. For the first time since Rau’s story began, she relaxed her shoulders and looked around with an unsteady gaze, as if she were seeing the place for the first time.
“I can fully understand Teacher’s feelings. Honestly, I don’t know how to process this right now. Ghosts… And Lee Hyun….”
Unable to finish her sentence, she roughly ran her hands over her face. She shook her head hard several times, trying to compose herself.
Manager Han’s information about Ghosts was not much different from what Choi In-woo had. She had only vaguely heard the name. To them, Ghosts were legendary beings like vampires or Yetis. So, there was no need to even mention Diamond Dust.
For a moment, her firm gaze turned to Rau.
“If you intend to tell Yuni and Joo-han as well, I hope you won’t.”
Unlike before, her tone was calm yet resolute, as if she had reached a firm conclusion on this particular point.
“I understand why you want to tell them. But thinking from their perspective… I don’t think that’s right. It’s too much for them to bear. Just… stay as the Lau Wikun they’ve always known. And I’m sorry to say this, but CEO Ryu should just live with the guilt of keeping secrets.”
“…….”
Rau, lost in thought while stroking his ring, asked for beer. He seemed to be suddenly overcome by a severe thirst. Rau brought two bottles of beer, one for himself and one for her, twisted off the caps, and handed them to her. As if she had been extremely thirsty, she downed about a third of it in one go. Then, scratching the surface of the bottle with her fingernail, she said in a low voice, as if sharing a secret,
“I’ve experienced being so deeply infatuated with someone that you can’t see anything else. My partner was also a Beta.”
When they first started working together at ‘The Face,’ they quickly recognized each other as being of a similar type, but because they were similar, they neither asked about nor were curious about each other’s private lives.
Rau only learned that she had moved to Hong Kong with her artist husband after the divorce had already been decided and her husband had returned to Korea. Even when she told him that story, she didn’t elaborate on the love story or the reasons for the divorce.
“Although the reason our relationship didn’t work out had nothing to do with the difference in our genders as Alpha and Beta… when I was completely consumed by it, I wished I could turn my partner into an Omega if it were possible.”
Her voice was calm, but the faint, bitter smile on her lips conveyed that she wasn’t just saying it idly.
“Of course, I didn’t have the pheromones to do that, so fortunately… it remained a vague desire.”
She let out a low snort and slid her hand down the neck of the bottle. Her gaze was fixed on the translucent green bottle, but her eyes were looking elsewhere.
“Even though I didn’t consciously think much about being an Alpha, perhaps it’s instinct or something, but the fact that my partner wasn’t an Omega made me so anxious I thought I’d go crazy. No matter how much I was attracted to them as a human being, it’s difficult for Alphas, Omegas, and Betas to understand each other’s way of existence physiologically. Well… it’s the same between Alphas and Omegas, though.”
She chuckled and took another refreshing gulp of beer. Rau, having nothing else to do but listen intently, emptied his beer along with her.
“Loving someone. In the end, it might be about wanting the other person to be by your side in the form you desire. At the same time, it’s also the desire to remain in the form the other person desires and continue to be loved. Those two desires must be balanced….”
Her eyes, tracing past relationships that had failed to find balance, held no regret or longing. However, one could sense a faint ache around the scars.
In her, Shushu’s image overlapped. She could now vaguely understand that feeling pain from a past love didn’t necessarily mean lingering attachment. Instead of criticizing their feelings as foolish, she could nod and share a drink with them. Only after almost losing her own love.
Manager Han’s eyes, lost in reminiscence, suddenly narrowed.
“Don’t tell me that’s why you avoided seeing me and kept your distance from the Phantom work?”
“That’s not it.”
Rau shook his head, cleanly denying it, and placed the shopping bag he had prepared earlier and placed beside him on the dining table.
“What is it?”
“Souvenirs from my Paris trip.”
“You prepared something else besides that bomb from earlier?”
Rau rubbed his lips and gave an embarrassed smile at her teasing glare.
“It’s a digital print and an eco-bag made by ‘The Hands.’ They were sold as a promotional event during the exhibition period.”
She took out the items from the shopping bag and laid them on the dining table, examining each one carefully.
“These are made from Lee Hyun’s artwork?”
Joy and pride bloomed on her face. Rau took another gulp of beer to gather his courage. It didn’t help much.
“I’m thinking of having Manager Han take over Phantom.”
“…What do you mean.”
Manager Han’s face, as she placed a small notebook printed with a collaborative work with Ben on the table, subtly hardened.
“I want to properly support artists who have talent but struggle to find galleries they can trust with their work. It will be an organization similar in nature to ‘The Hands,’ but it will likely operate more like a sponsorship foundation. I intend to completely step away from Phantom and focus solely on that. Of course, the acquisition of Phantom is a conversation for when Manager Han is ready.”
Manager Han, listening to Rau with heavy eyes, looked at the items spread out on the table. Recently, most of the experimental, small to medium-sized galleries around Phantom had been concurrently producing such merchandise.
Modern art was no longer the exclusive domain of a few wealthy older individuals who stood by with their arms crossed. The age group establishing small galleries or artist collectives was also getting younger, not just the classes who appreciated and consumed art. While this was a welcome change for Rau, he had always maintained a negative stance on commercializing artwork and mass-producing it.
“If I step down, Manager Han and Kwon Juhan will be able to lead Phantom into a more contemporary and dynamic gallery.”
Rau added, forcing a smile.
He hadn’t concluded that one method was definitively more correct. It wasn’t a declaration that his previous approach was wrong, nor was it a surrender to the flow of the times.
Unlike Manager Han, Yuni, and more recently Joo-han, he had always had a tendency to observe from a step back. Whatever he did, it lacked intensity, it wasn’t desperate. So, it was natural for everyone to find it strange that he had rushed to open the New York branch as if he were being chased.
It was a habit he had previously dismissed as insignificant. However, since Lee Hyun left and Rau began to critically examine himself, he could no longer ignore that lukewarmness. He had thought he had bet everything on Phantom, but he had never drawn out his full potential from within himself.
He intended to hand over the operations to those who had poured more fervent affection into ‘Phantom,’ and this time, truly, intensely, and desperately, he would immerse himself in figuring out what it was that he could pour his passion into.
“You discussed this with Lee Hyun… right?”
Manager Han asked cautiously, as if to confirm. Rau smiled wryly and nodded, thinking that such a concern was understandable given that he had unilaterally gone ahead with the Changing.
“So, after leaving ‘The Hands,’ Lee Hyun is also planning to join?”
“Nothing has been decided that far yet. Regardless of what choice Lee Hyun makes, this project will proceed. If Manager Han agrees to take over Phantom, we’ll move forward concretely.”
“I suspected your heart had already left when you allowed me to run the cafe….”
Manager Han trailed off, sighing. Despite her expectations, her expression was one of bewildered surprise.
“Take your time to think about it. I’ll wait as long as you need.”
She looked down at Rau’s left hand, adorned with a ring, then raised her gaze. Her eyes held a complex emotion that couldn’t be clearly defined as contempt, anger, pity, or empathy.
Nodding without a word, she gathered the scattered gifts and stood up. While waiting for the valet to arrive at the gate, they talked about their days working in Hong Kong. They laughed and chatted more exaggeratedly as a reaction to the burden of the complex tasks they would have to decide, handle, and bear in the future.
Still, both of them had to agree that their current lives were more precious than those days.
After seeing Manager Han off, Rau crossed the living room and returned to the dining room to take the mug she had used and the empty beer bottles to the kitchen. As he was clearing the dining room to go upstairs to his bedroom, Rau’s hand suddenly stopped. He looked around the silent surroundings.
“…….”
Before Lee Hyun entered his life, there had been the boisterousness of people who cared for each other here. However, he had always stood a couple of steps back from that lively interaction. It wasn’t intentional. He didn’t know how to approach beyond that, and since he had never experienced deep intimacy, he hadn’t felt the need for it.
He had evaluated his own life as being quite fortunate, considering how he had lived moderately, with trusted friends and business partners, employees he was willing to support who were intelligent and diligent, a friend he had grown up with like a brother, and friends with whom he could exchange barbs.
But after Lee Hyun appeared in that landscape, everything changed.
The balance was broken, gaps appeared, and suddenly the deficiencies in his life were highlighted. And into those gaps, Lee Hyun’s presence flowed in, warm and fulfilling.
The first object he had desired with such intensity and desperation. Someone to whom he had given wounds that could not be mended with the excuse of being clumsy because it was his first time….
Rau gazed at the dining table, where eight empty chairs were arranged, then picked up his phone. He pressed the button to check the home screen and went downstairs.
Even without turning on the lights, the garden lights and moonlight provided sufficient illumination. He sat on the mattress, having removed the pillows and sheets, and fiddled with his phone.
He remembered the moment he took their first photo together with Lee Hyun, savoring the afterglow of sex, sitting in this very spot. It felt as if Lee Hyun would descend the stairs any moment, smiling, and approaching him, yet he also felt anxious that everything that had happened here might have been just a daydream.
He had told her that regardless of Lee Hyun’s decision, this project would proceed independently, and that was true, but he had no intention of denying that it was preparation to handle Lee Hyun’s work, even if not immediately.
Like Manager Han, like his father, he knew well that he was more developed as an observer than a creator. There was no doubt about his affection for art, and his confidence that he was the collaborator who best understood Lee Hyun’s artistic world and could create the most suitable conditions remained unchanged. However, he would no longer be impatient.
Rau rested his elbows on his knees, propped his chin, and gazed into the silent space, checking his phone again. It was a little past 3 PM in Paris.
He didn’t want to interrupt her afternoon work, but on the other hand, he knew how the conversation with Manager Han had concluded and that she would be waiting for his call. As expected, the call connected before the second ring.
Lee Hyun was practicing sketching in Room 601. He said he had locked himself in a place where he could be completely alone because he didn’t think he could concentrate well. It was the same when Rau visited the ossuary a few days ago.
He conveyed Manager Han’s opinion that it would be best to keep it from Yuni and Joo-han, but Lee Hyun did not express his stance on it. Instead, he showed more sensitivity to how Manager Han might have reacted to his statement about wanting to transfer Phantom. He was concerned that she might be disappointed that he was officially leaving Phantom entirely.
“Manager Han seemed to have some inkling. After all, you’ve known each other for a long time.”
Rau ran his free hand over his face. Although the room was chilly because the heating wasn’t on, it was still indoors. Even though winter was nearing its end, his nose quickly grew cold from such a low temperature.
[You must have been very nervous. You worked hard.]
He chuckled, running his hand through his hair, feeling he wasn’t in a position to hear such words.
A faint noise, like something being placed on the table and a chair being pulled up, followed from the other end of the phone. He seemed to be sitting at the table with coffee in a mug. Rau could visualize his movements.
Rau closed his eyes and focused his senses on all the sounds he conveyed. After the sound of him swallowing a sip of liquid, Lee Hyun’s pleasant, calm voice followed.
[I spoke with Reed yesterday. He said the 30,000 dollars will likely be met soon…. I might be leaving ‘The Hands’ a little sooner than planned.]
“…Is that so?”
His closed eyes opened. While trying to keep his voice steady to avoid showing any agitation, Rau reacted as calmly as possible.
[When Kun said he wanted to establish a new organization… I didn’t answer right away, but… it wasn’t because I was hesitant, right?]
“…….”
He actually lacked confidence. He had thought that someday Lee Hyun would choose him, but he had tried not to expect it, to suppress his hope. It wasn’t because he doubted Lee Hyun’s affection, but because he still harbored doubts about his own worthiness.
[The person I want to entrust my paintings to… has always been… just one person.]
“…….”
Lee Hyun’s voice was far from the confident, eloquent tone that people often speak of as being able to assure the other person. Nevertheless, his words always carried more weight than any eloquent speech. Every syllable he uttered, which he did not speak carelessly, was filled with a promise that could never be broken.
He wanted to smile to convey how much happiness he felt from those words. He wanted to, even if Lee Hyun couldn’t see it. But it wasn’t easy. He could only manage to control his rapidly unsteady breathing without making a sound. He felt like he had lost his balance and fallen off his board, swept away by an unexpectedly massive wave.
Embracing him, who had endured the harsh scourging of life through silence, could not be purely sweet. Nor did Rau wish to covet only the sweetness among the emotions experienced through him.
Instead, Rau wanted all of Lee Hyun.
As much as wanting all the pain he had felt to pass through himself and be reproduced once more. As much as wanting the scars that must remain within this unskillful man, who did not exaggerate the tragedy that befell him nor complain, to be etched onto himself just the same.
If Rau were to say such things, Lee Hyun would probably smile and say that it wasn’t the form of love he desired.
Hoo— Rau let out a long breath. It was a sigh that seemed to expel every last remnant from the deepest part of his lungs. Stroking the ring on his ring finger with the thumb of his left hand, he swore to himself again. Even if he could not reclaim the pain Lee Hyun had endured, he would never again stand on the side that hurt him.
“When
Though he tried not to cause worry, a tremor remained in his voice. If that helped convey his sincerity to Lee Hyun, then that would be fine too.
He closed his eyes. Lee Hyun, sitting at the dining table in Room 601, where the afternoon sunlight slanted in, waited within his closed eyes. The waves calmed, and the submerged board floated to the surface.
“There is only one person I want to stake my life on. There has only ever been one, and in the future too… I love only that person.”
Rau spoke, his voice not hiding its tremor. Lee Hyun’s smile, possessing a warmth softer than sunlight, materialized before his eyes. The gentle breeze carried his familiar and longed-for scent.
Gliding once more over clean waves, heading towards the beach. Like his paintings, like the language Lee Hyun gave him, like
Hi! Will you be posting Diamond Dust whole Volume 7? Will there be another chapter after 7.1?
Yes, there’s one last chapter