By Zephyria Jeong Ji-in, Yi-han, even Manager Kang.
I know well what the people around me are worried about. If you chase the shadow of the deceased too much, you lose the vitality of this life. That’s why they say the living must live.
But I couldn’t let go yet.
Because I already knew that trying to forget was more painful than clinging to a ghost and suffering from longing.
If it were to naturally erode with time someday, there would be nothing I could do.
But as long as my feelings desired that child, I wanted to follow them faithfully.
That child who suffered terribly alone, unable to ask for help from anyone. If I tried to sort out my feelings for such a child, their place in this world would completely disappear. Forgetting, or trying to forget, felt like pushing the child’s back, telling them to go to the other world. I couldn’t do that, and I didn’t want to.
I wanted to remember for as long as possible, and love for as far into the future as possible. Because if we had been together, that’s what we would have done anyway. It wouldn’t change just because we were no longer together.
That’s why I didn’t tidy up the room I used, and I didn’t let go of this movie. Because I wanted Choi Hong-seo’s warmth, which had existed in this world, to remain for as long as possible.
Lee Hae-sung ran his hands over his face and sat up from his reclined position.
Then, he gazed at the still empty seat next to him.
It wasn’t a gradual loss.
I had touched him with my hands, kissed him, buried my nose in his scent, held him in my arms, but in the very next moment, he was snatched away without any warning. As if he had turned into smoke and vanished.
Perhaps because I lost him that way, my lingering attachment is deeper. It was a loss for which I was completely unprepared and had not anticipated at all. The shock of crumbling little by little is entirely different from disappearing entirely in one go.
I wanted to love him more.
A one-sided love is still a love done alone, after all. There’s no law saying you can’t love someone who no longer exists in this world.
Since I have too much love left that I couldn’t give, with nowhere to put it, I will just love until it is exhausted.
“Mmm…”
With a sigh that sounded like a groan, Lee Hae-sung got up from his seat. His back, which seemed to drag his soul across the floor, cast a long shadow on the marble floor as he slowly crossed the drawing room.
He took one last look around the interior. The mysterious empty space, illuminated by moonlight, felt like a tomb where memories shared here were buried.
He left the drawing room, leaving the door open by about a foot.
A few days later, after updating his information on Song Hyun-su, he went to Daehak-ro.
■
Late at night. Despite it being the weekend, the area around the bar at the edge of Daehak-ro was quiet. It wasn’t a prime location. The bar’s exterior wasn’t particularly trendy either.
Nevertheless, the orange light seeping through the arched lattice windows looked quite cozy.
“Vice President, you can go in now.”
A quiet voice reminded me of the time from the driver’s seat.
Lee Hae-sung, who had been watching the people laughing through the window, turned his head while taking a drag of his cigarette.
The car monitor showed 1:45 AM.
He stubbed out the half-smoked cigarette in the ashtray. He had waited specifically for this time. In about 15 minutes, it would be Song Hyun-su’s closing time.
He got out of the back seat and walked straight towards the entrance. As expected, a small paper sign hung on the door.
The interior of the bar was not much different from what I had imagined. Except that it was wider than I thought and had more customers than I expected.
“Welcome.”
The interior was dimly lit by the tealight candles on each table, rather than overhead lighting, with R&B musician Babyface’s music flowing leisurely. It was perfectly 90s. After a brief impression of the interior, Lee Hae-sung looked for Song Hyun-su. He easily spotted him making cocktails behind the bar counter.
Lee Hae-sung took the end seat at the counter.
Song Hyun-su’s face, which had been wearing a professional smile as he approached Lee Hae-sung, changed for a moment. Seeing that subtle shift, Lee Hae-sung knew instantly.
It wasn’t the face of someone recognizing Lee Hae-sung of ARA, but the face of someone recognizing the lover of his friend who had turned his back on the world.
“This is your first time at our place, isn’t it?”
However, the expression was fleeting, and Song Hyun-su’s face, as he placed the menu book on the counter, was no different from his demeanor when serving other customers.
Lee Hae-sung pushed the worn, thin book back towards Song Hyun-su and said,
“I’ll have what you recommend.”
Being able to read a customer’s taste, appetite, mood, and condition through their attire, behavior, expression, and tone, and then creating a cocktail with a suitable recipe, is one of the qualities of a good bartender.
“Then, I’ll prepare it for you.”
Song Hyun-su, who replied with a relaxed expression, immediately began making the cocktail without delay. In between, he even chatted with the customers at the counter.
This was the first time I was seeing Song Hyun-su in person, whom I had only encountered in reports.
He was one of the few people our Hong-seo had managed to form a bond with.
Hong-seo’s back was being bled dry, and without even knowing how Hong-seo was holding on, I had looked down on the members of ‘Layered’… A victim exploited by Myeong Do-hoon, just like Hong-seo. Song Hyun-soo.
For those reasons, he wasn’t the type to be so soft and sentimental as to look upon Song Hyun-soo with affection.
Still, it was true that he felt a sense of closeness.
To feel a certain emotion towards someone, simply because they were close to someone else.
For Lee Hae-sung, who had lived his life being trained to think objectively and rationally as an appendage of ARA, this was an entirely new experience.
Even though Choi Hong-seo was no longer here, he provided Lee Hae-sung with new emotions, new experiences. So how could he forget? It was as if he were still alive.
As he let out a bitter, solitary laugh with such thoughts, the bartender placed a cocktail on a coaster.
“A cocktail I recommend for you, sir.”
“……”
Song Hyun-soo didn’t bother to state the name of the cocktail. He stood in front of the customer, waiting for him to taste it, and didn’t leave.
Lee Hae-sung took a small sip of the transparent, pale green cocktail and smiled without opening his lips. It wasn’t a mocking or cynical smile, but rather a friendly and relaxed one, a smile with his shoulders unburdened.
“It’s a Gimlet.”
“We mixed gin and lime juice one to one. These days, many places tend to make Gimlets more refreshing.”
As the bartender explained, it was a proper Gimlet, with an alcohol content of 30 percent.
Feeling the potent liquor travel down his esophagus, Lee Hae-sung glanced at Song Hyun-soo standing before him.
“Did I look like someone who’d been stabbed with a gimlet?”
“You didn’t seem… that happy.”
“Right. You’re right.”
Lee Hae-sung nodded, sweeping his hand broadly around his chin.
Gimlet meant a screw with a T-shaped handle. It was named for its sharp, piercing taste, like a gimlet. The Gimlet Song Hyun-soo served wasn’t sweetened with added sugar, nor was it made refreshing by increasing the proportion of lime juice. True to its name, it felt like a gimlet piercing his throat. It suited Lee Hae-sung perfectly at that moment.
He didn’t know if he had the talent for acting, as he’d never seen it, but he certainly seemed to have the makings of an excellent bartender.
“Since you already seem to know who I am. Would you have some time after work today?”
As if he had expected it, Song Hyun-soo wasn’t flustered.
“I get off work in about 10 minutes. There’s a quiet bar nearby, so please wait there. This is where I work, so it’s a bit…”
After finishing the Gimlet cleanly, Lee Hae-sung left the bar first.
The bar Song Hyun-soo had indicated was a record bar in a more secluded area. An elderly man, with records densely packed behind the counter, was running the bar alone.
There were only two other customers, and the owner, who seemed utterly uninterested in making money, was engrossed in conversation about life with what appeared to be regulars.
Lee Hae-sung sat at the innermost table and ordered a glass of whiskey.
About five minutes later, Song Hyun-soo arrived.
Song Hyun-soo took off his large crossbody bag, placed it on the seat next to him, and ordered the same drink as Lee Hae-sung. As if they knew each other to some extent, the owner left Song Hyun-soo’s glass and gave his shoulder a firm squeeze.
“You don’t seem very surprised.”
“ARA’s Lee Hae-sung came looking for me?”
Ah, should I say Lee Hae-sung-nim? Song Hyun-soo tilted his head and added to himself.
“You must have heard a little about me from Hong-seo.”
He had heard from Jeong Ji-in. Song Hyun-soo knew, at least roughly, about the relationship between Lee Hae-sung and Choi Hong-seo.
“Yes.”
“How much do you know?”
“……”
He looked as if to say, ‘Why are you asking that?’ Lee Hae-sung urged him to answer with silence.
“Because our situations were similar, we opened up to each other more than we did with others, but neither Hong-seo nor I are the type to chatter about things to others.”
While twirling the ice-filled glass to dilute the whiskey, Song Hyun-soo furrowed his brow and tried to recall.
“He only smiled in front of cameras, but he was always expressionless, yet he was walking around grinning, so I bothered him a lot asking about it. At first, he played dumb, but after I pestered him persistently for a few days, he confessed.”
“……”
“That he was dating.”
Lee Hae-sung’s gaze, which had been listening calmly without a flicker of movement, suddenly scattered erratically. His lips moved as if to say something, and he bit his lip several times. Then, he downed the strong liquor in his glass.
Hoo…
Setting the glass down, Lee Hae-sung let out a deep breath.
What Hong-seo had said about him, about their relationship. Hearing it from a third party, for some reason, was unbearable.
“And knowing that the other person was ARA Electronics’ Lee Hae-sung… honestly, I didn’t think of it as dating.”
“……”
“He’s a chaebol, and I’m just a nobody celebrity, aren’t I? No matter what the truth is, the world would just assume it’s a sponsorship. Whether it was sponsorship or dating, I thought it didn’t matter if the person treated Hong-seo well and cherished him, even if he was a chaebol. No.”
Song Hyun-soo spat out the word of denial with conviction and looked directly at Lee Hae-sung. Under the dim bar lighting, so dark that the floor was barely visible, Song Hyun-soo’s friendly eyes were moist.
“In fact, I thought it was even better that the person who treated Hong-seo so well was a chaebol. Because while he was under the protection of someone like that… Hong-seo could be at ease, even if only for a moment.”
As he spoke, Song Hyun-soo’s gaze gradually lowered. His voice also grew softer. Song Hyun-soo, who downed the whiskey that hadn’t yet melted enough ice, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and added casually.
“Unlike that guy, I’m very calculating.”