By Zephyria Choi Hong-seo’s head drooped.
The thought of the fans’ letters and drawings at the ancestral shrine made his brow furrow. Even though he had already hugged Lee Hae-sung and cried for a long time there.
Leaving behind people who remembered him, missed him, and grieved for him, he felt reluctant to sing and dance, interacting with others under someone else’s face and name, receiving love from them. It felt like saying that the grief of his former fans had nothing to do with him.
Lee Hae-sung moved closer and sat down. He wrapped his hand around Choi Hong-seo’s bowed neck and gently massaged it. Choi Hong-seo, barely regaining his composure, continued his story while squeezing the innocent water bottle.
“If I didn’t have to do ‘Titan’, I had also considered ending Yoon Hye-an’s entertainment career after ‘
“Ah…”
“But that also felt like stubbornness for my own satisfaction. Because I don’t know how to do anything else.”
“……”
“Today, after reading the fans’ letters, I think I’ve come to a decision… I wanted to tell you, Ahjussi.”
I wanted to talk to him face to face. There was one person in the world, Lee Hae-sung, to whom I would not hide important matters, and I would tell him these important matters while looking him in the eye. I decided to do so.
Because I knew he wouldn’t judge or conclude rashly, but would listen carefully, considering my feelings. Just like his face right now.
“I don’t plan to perform on stage as Yoon Hye-an anymore.”
“Mm.”
He nodded very slightly. While lightly stroking Choi Hong-seo’s nape with his thumb.
“From now on, while working as an actor… I want to write songs.”
I felt like a child speaking of an impossible, outlandish dream. Choi Hong-seo’s gaze slid back down to his chest. Lee Hae-sung’s hand, which had been resting on his nape, gently lifted Choi Hong-seo’s chin.
“You mean you want to write melodies, not just lyrics, right?”
“……”
“I’m looking forward to it. I like songs written by Hong-seo.”
“I won’t be able to see you as an idol anymore… is that okay?”
A strange expression flickered across Lee Hae-sung’s face as he met his gaze. It was the look of someone trying desperately to hold back laughter because the person in front of him was too serious, unable to laugh.
And he ultimately failed to hold back his laughter.
He covered his entire face with his large palms and shook with laughter, his shoulders trembling. It wasn’t a hearty laugh, but more like a sob, yet his broad, exposed shoulders and chest heaved.
A moment later, he swallowed hard, his throat dry, and glanced at Choi Hong-seo.
Seeing Choi Hong-seo’s bewildered face, as if asking why he was laughing, he bit his lower lip. Laughter still lingered on his face.
He shook his head and reached out his arm. He pulled Hong-seo’s nape closer, burying his face in his shoulder. Then, he tilted his head deeply, showering his lips with kisses everywhere they touched.
“Ah… why are you so cute? What am I supposed to do?”
“You liked it. You liked seeing me on stage.”
“I did. But why does Hong-seo only remember one thing and forget the others? Kidnapping, retirement, imprisonment. Did you forget?”
“……”
I remember. I could be sure that I remembered every word he spoke, every expression he made, no matter how trivial.
“I want to kidnap you like this, make you retire from the entertainment industry, and lock you up somewhere to only look at me. This isn’t normal, is it?”
I remembered it clearly.
It was just that I hadn’t thought he meant it.
“Then, you’re not going to object?”
He murmured, his forehead buried in his shoulder, his arm clasped around his. His bare arm, exposed, was so thick and firm, it looked strong enough to withstand a dozen people like Choi Hong-seo clinging to it. But he didn’t want to just cling. Though he might be weaker in comparison, his passion to protect and guard the person he loved was no different.
“Why would I object?”
He pulled Choi Hong-seo from his embrace and this time, he gently brushed through each strand of his hair with care.
“I know I’m lacking a lot right now. I want to study more and write good songs. I can’t sing them myself… and even if I can’t tell them I’ve returned… I hope to write songs that fans can listen to and find comfort in, somewhere. That’s what I want to do most right now.”
When he finished saying everything he wanted to say, Lee Hae-sung’s warm smile awaited Choi Hong-seo.
“Whatever your heart desires, whatever you want to do, I’ll support you.”
He placed his hand on his arm as he brushed his hair, and rubbed his face against the warm palm.
“I don’t know what to say… Thank you.”
“As your boyfriend, I’d want to hear something other than thank you at times like these.”
When he met the gaze overflowing with affection, he felt he understood why he had returned. The people he met in ‘Bardo’ said there was no reason or purpose there, but he couldn’t deny what he felt so clearly.
As he left his side, he had hoped that even in the most trivial and foolish way, it would be love. But the love he newly learned on his journey back to stand fully by his side was not like that.
The first love he learned ended with his own decision alone.
The love he learned again was something they passed through together.
He felt that the love that had endured all those events together had become stronger, more tenacious.
The reason he had returned was clearly this person, Lee Hae-sung.
“I love you a lot, a whole lot. So much that I get anxious, wondering if it’s all getting through.”
“……”
“Even if my face changes, even if I’m reborn as someone else countless times… as long as I love you, Lee Hae-sung, I will be me. If I stop loving you, then that’s not me.”
It was a calm confession, as if it were nothing extraordinary.
He had simply revealed his heart as it was, so there was no need for it to be dramatic for Choi Hong-seo.
However, Lee Hae-sung’s eyes were filled with astonishment, as if he had witnessed an unbelievable miracle.
Haa… A soft groan escaped his lips, trembling slightly. He pulled Choi Hong-seo closer, holding him tightly in his arms several times.
“I love you.”
He rubbed his cheek, kissing his ear and hair countless times.
“I love you, Hong-seo-ya. My Baby.”
“Me too.”
Saying ‘I love you’ didn’t seem enough. No matter how much he said it, there was a lingering sense of incompleteness. Perhaps this was why all lovers wished for their bodies to become one.
I love you. Even whispering it again and again, it was insufficient, still insufficient. They held each other tightly, their lips seeking each other out, sharing tongues. Their bodies and minds naturally grew hot, wanting him.
Just as they were about to lie on top of each other on the bed again, his work phone rang from the bathroom where he had left his clothes. He could distinguish it as his work phone by the ringtone.
Lee Hae-sung, lying on his stomach with his arms propped on the mattress, scowled playfully.
“If I go to get that now, I’ll usually get dumped, right?”
“You don’t understand even that much.”
He chuckled as he released his neck from his embrace. He met his smile and pressed his lips to his forehead.
“I’ll be right back.”
The sound of his phone call echoed from the bathroom. The details weren’t audible. It wasn’t a short call as he’d expected. As he walked out of the bathroom holding his phone, he had put on a robe. With a slightly dazed expression, Choi Hong-seo sat up and pulled the sheet to cover his lower half.
“What kind of call is it?”
“They’ve decided on a new actor for Seo Jun-yeong’s role.”
“Oh? That’s good.”
As he tucked his phone into the front pocket of his robe, Lee Hae-sung grinned.
“We’re resuming filming, Actor.”
“Uh… I’ll do my best. Investor?”
His smile deepened. He walked right up to the bed and threw his robe on the floor.
He reached out his arms towards him as he entered the bed, between his legs.
The most vivid sense of ‘returning’ was there. In his skin, his lips, his eyes.
■
The sky outside the van’s window was heavily overcast.
The first filming was confirmed for today, following a weather forecast predicting a 95% chance of snow in the afternoon. It was for a scene requiring snow.
Although it was a scene much later in the actual movie, filming had to be completed before the next winter arrived. Therefore, outdoor scenes set in winter were prioritized and placed earlier.
“Hyung, they’re going straight into rehearsal. Are you okay?”
Yong-jae, who had been talking to a production staff member with his window down, turned to the back row.
“Yeah. I’m all set.”
Choi Hong-seo had already finished his makeup, hair, and costume. While it wasn’t strictly necessary for rehearsal, it was naturally better to create a situation as close to the actual filming as possible.
Choi Hong-seo picked up the script he had tucked into the front seat pocket.
In the blank space at the top of the cover for the actor’s name, instead of ‘Yoon Hye-an,’ were the Korean initial consonants ‘hshs’. Lee Hae-sung had written them himself with a water-based pen.
It was a kind of secret code between them, derived from the initials H.S. of Lee Hae-sung and H.S. of Choi Hong-seo.
Even though it was just initials, Choi Hong-seo, gazing at the four characters, neat as if written with a brush, got out of the car.
“Wow, they said today is the minor cold season, so it’s really cold. Isn’t it less cold on snowy days?”
As Yong-jae said, the weather was biting. Regardless of the actual temperature, the wind made it feel cold. Yong-jae, who had moved closer, draped his long padded jacket over Choi Hong-seo’s shoulder.
“Wear this even for rehearsal. You’ll freeze to death in that outfit, Hyung.”
It was indeed difficult to endure the cold with just a white shirt and a loose V-neck knit.
“Where are you looking. I’ll zip it up for you…”
“No, it’s okay! I can do it myself.”
Choi Hong-seo hastily waved his hand at Yong-jae, who was turning his shoulder to zip up the long padded jacket. Instead, he handed the script to his sturdy chest and bent down to zip it up himself.
He felt his earlobes burn, as if he had overreacted to something trivial. But there was a reason for it.
A few days ago, he had watched TV with Lee Hae-sung. It was an entertainment program they could watch casually, with various guests chatting about different topics in a lighthearted manner. They had sat leaning against each other on the living room sofa, chuckling without a care.
The issue of ‘Is it okay for my boyfriend to zip up someone else’s long padded jacket? Or is it okay for someone else to zip up my boyfriend’s long padded jacket?’ came up, and some of the guests scoffed, calling it an outdated debate.
At that moment, Lee Hae-sung had reacted with extreme seriousness and firmness.
Lee Hae-sung’s argument was that ‘only the person who can take it off can put it on.’
If that was his thought, he couldn’t let someone else put on his padded jacket, even if he wasn’t watching.
“By the way, I’m worried. The permit for park access is only for four hours, but I don’t know if we can finish everything before then.”
Yong-jae added, looking up at the sky as he guided Choi Hong-seo to the rehearsal location.
“We can’t film unless it snows.”
“It’ll snow soon. The probability is 95%.”
Even as he said it, worry showed on Choi Hong-seo’s face.