By Zephyria ■
A narrow exercise yard surrounded by prison buildings and chain-link fences.
The number of people filling the space was excessively large for its size. It was far too small for exercise.
People strolling, people jogging lightly along the edge of the yard… there was even a line for the few exercise machines, the pull-up bars.
Three inmates occupied a bench in a sunny spot on one side of the yard, their arms crossed tightly against the sub-zero weather.
The largest of the men, with a fleshy chin, scowled, pointing at one spot.
“What’s up with that thing lately? It’s annoying.”
At the spot he indicated, an inmate was talking to a guard through the chain-link fence.
CEO Myeong, formerly a model and head of an entertainment agency.
His demeanor was so friendly that it was hard to see them as a guard and an inmate. CEO Myeong, leaning casually against the fence and acting flippant, was highly irritating to the large man.
The man sitting next to him, his bald head covered in dozens of snake tattoos, spat on the ground and said, “CEO Myeong? He’s on the list for the New Year’s special pardon this time?”
“What? Pardon? Fuck, how long has it been since he got in, and he’s getting a pardon??”
The large man’s eyes narrowed instantly, and he turned his body to face CEO Myeong. CEO Myeong, chatting and joking like a friend with the guard, already had the attitude of a civilian.
“It’s called an entertainment agency, but in reality, he threatened the kids he managed into sex trafficking and pocketed all the money, that bastard, right? How can someone like that get a special pardon?”
Spit. The snake tattoo spat again and replied, “The clients he trafficked with back then were all chaebol families. I guess their connections pulled some strings.”
Unlike the snake tattoo, who took it lightly, the large man seemed extremely bothered by CEO Myeong’s special pardon. He couldn’t take his eyes off CEO Myeong.
The man with the wire-rimmed glasses, standing in front of the bench where the two were sitting, glanced at CEO Myeong and spoke.
“The Hyung-nims might not know because you were already incarcerated back then. It was called the X-Boy Scandal, and the country was quite stirred up. Even the son of the great Hanseo Group was indicted. Everyone in Korea knew the eldest son of Hanseo Group was a degenerate, but not a single prosecutor had managed to indict him. Until then.”
Hahahaha. Whatever joke he told, CEO Myeong burst into loud laughter that seemed to shake the prison yard. He laughed as if he were truly savoring life. The man with the wire-rimmed glasses continued, “When even the mighty Lee Seo-kyung was indicted, other chaebols must have been cautious. They probably made a deal: ‘Just endure for a year or two in prison, and we’ll get you out quietly. Just hold on until then.’ That must have been the arrangement.”
The large man kicked the shin of the man with the wire-rimmed glasses standing in front of him and said.
“Why wouldn’t we know about that? Lee Seo-kyung, that bastard, was CEO Myeong’s biggest Gucci customer, wasn’t he? But didn’t that bastard get shot and die in Vietnam or Thailand? So who’s backing the next one?”
“Hey, hey. That Hanseo Group bastard wasn’t just a customer, he was a full accomplice, an accomplice.”
Snake Tattoo tapped the big guy’s head and corrected him.
“And besides, was he the only customer? If even one or two of the high-ranking officials involved stepped up, it wouldn’t be hard to get rid of one guy like that.”
Hearing Snake Tattoo’s words, the big guy, pretending to have a sense of justice, slammed his fist onto the back of the bench in anger.
“Damn it, fuck. This country is so fucked up, money is everything. There’s nothing money can’t do. The chaebols are gods, gods.”
With the whistle signaling the end of exercise time, the inmates began to line up and move back inside the building.
CEO Myeong, who had been leaning against the fence, gave a slight nod to the guard and turned around. His steps, hands shoved into his pants pockets, were as light as if he were dancing.
About 30 minutes after exercise time, the cell block helper began going around to each living quarter with the mail that had arrived for the inmates.
That day, CEO Myeong’s name was unexpectedly called.
“Me? A letter came for me?”
CEO Myeong’s face lit up as he watched the uninteresting TV news from his seat. But that brightness didn’t last long. As he took the envelope and returned to his seat, CEO Myeong turned ashen the moment he checked the sender’s name written on the outside.
“Wh-what… what is this.”
With the advent of internet letters for inmates, handwritten letters were extremely rare. But what arrived for CEO Myeong was not an internet letter, but actual mail.
CEO Myeong tore open the envelope and took out the contents. His steps toward his designated spot gradually slowed. They were no longer dancing. His pupils dilated, and the hand holding the letter trembled so much that the paper rustled. CEO Myeong swallowed hard, then quickly looked back.
Glancing at the other inmates, CEO Myeong returned to his spot and slid down the wall.
“What son of a bitch is playing this prank… Damn it, it’s bad luck.”
CEO Myeong crumpled the letter in his hand.
The sender on the envelope was Choi Hong-seo’s name.
■
As the sharp peak of Seoul Tower began to appear in the distance, Choi Hong-seo’s heart was already pounding.
The scenery outside the car window began to unfold, so familiar.
Namsan and its surroundings were neighborhoods he knew well from his time as Choi Hong-seo. The shared house where he lived with the ‘Layered’ members, Jeong Ji-in, and Song Hyun-soo was around there. So was Sowol-ro, which he had walked with Lee Hae-sung, the magnificent mansion in UN Village he had provided as a new residence, and the officetel he moved to in Gangnam after waking up as Yoon Hye-an. They weren’t too far from each other.
It hadn’t been that long since he’d been away.
Perhaps it was because he had experienced something so significant in Bali.
He felt a sense of relief that Seoul, this landscape he knew, was all still the same.
Upon arriving at Incheon Airport, Lee Hae-sung and Choi Hong-seo first visited the ancestral shrine in Hanam City. Afterward, they turned the sedan towards Hannam-dong.
Exiting Gangbyeonbuk-ro near Hannam Station, the sedan entered the UN Village entrance. Choi Hong-seo fumbled on the seat to find Lee Hae-sung’s hand. Holding his warm hand, which filled his own, felt like the unstable cracks between them were being filled in every corner.
“Are you okay?”
A worried voice and face asked Choi Hong-seo.
“Don’t push yourself if it’s hard. If something were to happen…”
On the way to the ancestral shrine, and even on the way from the shrine to here. Lee Hae-sung had tried to dissuade him, saying similar things several times.
Choi Hong-seo shook his head.
“It’s not that. I’m just nervous thinking about going there. My body is fine. Really.”
“……”
Lee Hae-sung didn’t try to stop him further, but his face showed he wasn’t entirely at ease.
“You saw too, right? I was fine at the ancestral shrine.”
“Still, there’s no need to overdo it all in one day.”
After passing a gentle uphill slope, the sedan slowly glided through winding alleys. The Italian restaurant with awnings on every window, the few 24-hour convenience stores in the neighborhood, and the foreigners leisurely walking their dogs – each one was exactly the same.
Choi Hong-seo pressed Lee Hae-sung’s fingernails as he spoke slowly between deep breaths.
“When someone with a leg injury takes off their cast, they want to savor the fact that they’re all better, right? It’s like that for me. I just want to confirm it quickly.”
“……”
“If I’ve really gotten better. If it’s true that you don’t have to starve or lose sleep because of me anymore… Is it really okay?”
With a look that was both apologetic and awkward, Choi Hong-seo lowered his gaze and smiled slightly.
Lee Hae-sung, who had been passively letting Choi Hong-seo hold his hand, retaliated. He suddenly grabbed Choi Hong-seo’s hand firmly and pulled him closer. He made sure Choi Hong-seo’s gaze naturally turned to him.
“Our Hong-seo is a bit of a troublesome lover, isn’t he?”
“Right? I think so too.”
“What do you mean, you think so too? You don’t even know how I feel.”
“I do.”
“You do?”
“I know… everything.”
His tone became slightly petulant, bothered by being treated like a child. This is probably why he was a child.
Lee Hae-sung tilted his head and stared intently. The moment stretched on. Just as Choi Hong-seo began to worry if he was angry, Lee Hae-sung deeply intertwined their fingers.
“Do you know that when you say things like that sometimes, I lose it?”
Lee Hae-sung could instantly change the atmosphere between them.
From a generous older lover doting on his much younger lover, he transformed into a bold and sexy lover craving Choi Hong-seo’s body. It was an ability only Lee Hae-sung possessed, one Choi Hong-seo couldn’t match.
In moments like these, he felt the unbridgeable age gap between them even more keenly.
Unsure how to respond, Choi Hong-seo averted his gaze and pointed out the car window to change the subject.
“We’re, we’re here. It’s the end of the year, so it’s really backed up, isn’t it?”
Even seeing Choi Hong-seo’s undoubtedly flushed face, Lee Hae-sung didn’t pry further or tease him. It was like an eagle, having grasped the deer’s ankle, deliberately loosening its grip.
The sedan slid into the underground parking lot.
Getting out of the back seat, they held hands and got into the private elevator, the one they always took. Using the card key Lee Hae-sung handed him, he touched the panel himself.
There was no obstruction.
It was unbelievable that he could return to that place so easily. Just as if he had left here this morning and commuted by van. It felt too easy.
The elevator doors opened, revealing the hall in front of the entrance. This was the place where he had been threatened by Lee Seo-kyung, trembled in fear, and yet fearlessly lunged at Lee Seo-kyung for mentioning Lee Hae-sung’s name.
Standing in front of the entrance, Choi Hong-seo froze for a long moment.
“Do you want to open it yourself?”
Lee Hae-sung asked, turning his head.
“The password is still the same.”
He said the password was the same, but it felt like he was saying everything was the same.
198
“The password is still the same.”
He said the password was the same, but it felt like he was saying everything was the same.
He entered the password he remembered, and the lock disengaged.
Surprised that the door had opened, Choi Hong-seo stepped back.
The house I lived in before I died.
Standing in front of that house again brought confusion rather than overwhelming emotion or gratitude.
“……”
Lee Hae-sung’s hand gently stroked Choi Hong-seo’s arm. He found Choi Hong-seo’s hand buried in the sleeve of his oversized hooded sweatshirt and held it tightly, palm to palm. Only then did Choi Hong-seo realize he was trembling.
He looked up at Lee Hae-sung, who was looking down at him.
When they stood side by side, he was so tall that a shadow fell diagonally across Choi Hong-seo’s face.
He chuckled, the first to smile.
“You’re not going inside. Why are you looking at me like that standing here?”
“How am I looking at you?”
His left hand reached out, brushed back Choi Hong-seo’s hair, and his thumb swept across his cheek. The touch was so careful, as if afraid of damaging him, it grazed his skin. It was the spot where the spots were fading.
“With eyes that say you’ve fallen for me again?”
He might have said it as a joke. But Choi Hong-seo smiled and nodded.
“Yes. I thought, ‘Now I have someone to lean on. Someone who’s here for me, who holds my hand when I need it. And it’s you, of all people. I thought I was unlucky, but actually, I wasn’t.’ That’s what I thought.”
“This person?”
Lee Hae-sung’s eyes widened, and he bent at the waist. His face, lowering to meet Choi Hong-seo’s eye level, looked delighted. His lips, holding back a wide smile, twitched as if tickled.
“Why, why can’t I say ‘this person’?”
“No, it sounds nice. Like a married couple.”
“M-married… what…”
Choi Hong-seo couldn’t even pronounce the word properly. He raised his right arm to cover his face, trying to back away, but Lee Hae-sung didn’t seem willing to let him go. He leisurely pulled Choi Hong-seo’s hand back.
“This person is feeling a bit unwell today. This person actually prefers Korean food. How about it? Darling, Honey, doesn’t that sound more like a married couple than those words?”
“Why are you really… you’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”
With both hands held by Lee Hae-sung, Choi Hong-seo could no longer cover his face and had no choice but to lower his head. Lee Hae-sung calmly pulled Choi Hong-seo closer and hugged him from behind. Then, patting his back, he continued his act, as if performing for someone. With his face buried in Lee Hae-sung’s shoulder, burning hot, he had no choice but to listen to the act.
“This person went through a lot of hardship before meeting me. I know I sound like a doting fool, but from now on, I want there to be no stumbling blocks in this person’s life.”
“……”
The hand patting his back stopped. Lee Hae-sung pulled Choi Hong-seo out of his embrace and looked at his face. With his fingertips, he gently touched Choi Hong-seo’s lips.
“Why are your lips twitching again? Didn’t you cry enough at the ancestral shrine?”
The ‘symptom’ didn’t occur at the ancestral shrine. But he had to shed tears for a long time before the sincerity left by his fans.
Time had continued to flow since Choi Hong-seo disappeared from the world. Compared to his first visit, and subsequent visits, the number of memos left by fans had decreased significantly. But for Choi Hong-seo, it wasn’t a matter of quantity.
These were the people who had given him value for the first time, called his name, and instilled in him the will not to disappoint, when he had only been treated like a piece of meat. Without them, he probably wouldn’t have been able to hold on until he met Lee Hae-sung.
It was the fans, and it was Lee Hae-sung. Love was what saved people.
“Originally… I don’t really cry.”
He made excuses, tightening his lips and nose. It was an excuse that the other person probably wouldn’t believe anymore.
“I can handle it. Look at my build. Just leaning on Hong-seo won’t do anything to me.”
“Then who do you lean on? You’re the one who bears responsibility. For me, and for the outside world.”
“You said you knew everything, but there’s a lot Hong-seo doesn’t know?”
“……”
“Then I can just have Hong-seo take responsibility for me.”
“How? I’ll do anything. Whatever it is.”
“What kind of responsibility is there between lovers? Not letting your heart be open to anyone else. Contacting me well every day. A good morning kiss when you wake up, a good night kiss before you sleep. A ‘I’m leaving’ and ‘I’m back’ confirmation kiss before and after going out.”
“I’ll do it. I’ll do all of that.”
He moved closer to Lee Hae-sung and clutched the front of his knit sweater tightly. His eyes were shining with a determined expression, but Lee Hae-sung’s eyes, looking down, were subtly smiling.
“Hong-seo, you just made a huge promise.”
“What is it?”
“If you keep everything I said, you have to love only me for the rest of your life and live with me.”
“……”
Choi Hong-seo looked up at Lee Hae-sung, who was smiling with his eyelids lowered. It was the face of an adult enjoying tricking a child. Choi Hong-seo pulled his loose hoodie over his head and mumbled.
“You’re the one who doesn’t know.”
“What don’t I know?”
“You think those things are difficult for me?”
He pulled the drawstrings on both sides of the hood, making it shrink and cover half his face. Embarrassed, he kept pulling at the innocent drawstrings.
“Even if you break all those promises by opening your heart to someone else, I will love only you for the remaining time.”
“……”
“I don’t even know how to love anyone else in the first place. For me, love… is just you.”
He had never made such direct confessions before, so he was too embarrassed to even look him in the eye. But he wanted to say it clearly. He had learned, with great difficulty, that it was a surprisingly important thing.
While squeezing the drawstrings and looking down at Lee Hae-sung’s feet, his foot suddenly stepped forward. Lee Hae-sung’s hands enveloped the hands holding the drawstrings.
“Shall we come back again next time?”
The playful tone that had been present throughout was gone. The husky rasp of his voice, which sounded as if it were locked and deepened, was sweet. Like a rich fragrance emanating from where it was scratched. Choi Hong-seo knew what this voice meant. It was the voice he used when he wanted to take someone to bed.
Choi Hong-seo turned his head and pulled his arm.
“We, we should go in. We came all this way.”
He had hesitated until now, unable to gather his resolve. But now, he was leading the way into the entrance. Ting. Behind Lee Hae-sung, who was reluctantly following, the door lock automatically engaged.
“There’s no need to go to Bundang, is there?”
Choi Hong-seo, who had gone ahead into the hallway from the entrance, looked back. Lee Hae-sung, who had changed into indoor slippers, placed his hand on Choi Hong-seo’s head, still covered by the hoodie.
“This is our home too.”
“……”
“So don’t look so scared.”
“I’m not scared.”
They hadn’t slept together even once in Bali. Choi Hong-seo’s condition was worsening daily, and they had to find ‘Taripa’ quickly. Even though they slept in the same bed every night, hugging each other, it wasn’t the situation for sex.
And it wasn’t that he was scared of sleeping with Lee Hae-sung, as he might think. There was no reason for that. He was just still shy about talking about sex.
“Can I see my room first?”
In response to Choi Hong-seo’s question, Lee Hae-sung silently pointed down the hallway.
He walked along the long hallway illuminated by halogen lights.
Opening the door required twice the courage it took to open the entrance.
He placed his hand on the doorknob but couldn’t bring himself to push it down. Still, he didn’t count his fingers. He had decided not to do that anymore.
Lee Hae-sung, who had been waiting behind him, came closer. The warmth of his chest touched Choi Hong-seo’s right shoulder blade. His hand gently wrapped around Choi Hong-seo’s left shoulder. The reminder that he wasn’t alone made warm blood surge powerfully through his body.
Click… click.
“Haa…”
A sigh-like breath escaped Choi Hong-seo’s lips.
He couldn’t easily step into the room.
Goosebumps rose under his t-shirt, and his hair stood on end. This repeated several times. His nape twitched uncontrollably, as if being caressed with unbearable sweetness.
Slowly taking off the hood he had been wearing, Choi Hong-seo walked into the room as if entranced.
The double bed, slightly too small for the two of them, the duvet and pillows on it.
The desktop computer where he used to compose music alone, unbeknownst to the members or CEO Myeong, and where he used to turn on his webcam after work to communicate with fans. And the fan gifts displayed around it.
A low bookshelf packed with comic books.
Incredibly, everything was the same.
Except for the three movie posters that Lee Hae-sung had people move to the Bundang house, nothing had changed.
It felt as if he had just woken up in this bed this very morning, stumbled into the attached bathroom in a daze, showered, dressed, and rushed to work, pressed for time.
Standing in the center of the room, he turned in a full circle.
His gaze landed on Lee Hae-sung.
Leaning against the open door, he looked this way with his hands shoved into his pant pockets. At first glance, he seemed as calm as usual, but Choi Hong-seo saw that he was clenching his fist inside his pocket.
Even after giving such love, he looked at Choi Hong-seo with the expression of a guilty person. As if it were all his fault.
If I hadn’t met CEO Myeong, would I have even dabbled in the entertainment industry?
Back then, when I was told as often as I ate meals that useless people like you should be grateful for any place that would hire you and work for a hundred, two hundred a month?
I would have preferred working as a server or in a kitchen at a bar with a higher hourly wage, but with that personality, I would never have thought of becoming an entertainer, not even if I died and came back to life. Because being an entertainer isn’t just about having a pretty face.
I got caught up with CEO Myeong and Lee Seo-kyung, rolled around in the mud, and endured with malice without hope. But because I met you, perhaps it’s a good thing.
In this room that he protected so no one could erase it, I returned again, and at this moment, facing him who looked at me with the face of a sinner despite having done nothing wrong. For the first time, I had such a thought.
If all the pain I had to endure was the price for meeting you. I can accept it without resentment.
Because you are someone worth it.
But if you knew I was thinking this, you would surely be hurt. So there was no need to say it.
With a voice trembling with sorrow, I instead brought up another topic.
“You said you… lived here.”
“I did. Until Hong-seo returned.”
“……”
“Even on the morning I went to the Gutdang in Gangwon-do, I had a meal here before leaving.”
After that day, it meant that ‘Yoon Hye-an’ was definitively recognized as ‘Choi Hong-seo’.
‘Can you hold me like Choi Hong-seo can?’
It was the same day as that day.
How much pain must this room, where the person disappeared but remained unchanged, have caused him? The longing for someone who could not return could not be reciprocated. How black and diseased would such a heart become? There was no way to endure it without crying.
Approaching him like an angry person, I embraced him tightly without hesitation.
“You lived… trapped in this tomb-like place?”
“Hong-seo returned. So it’s not a tomb anymore. It’s a bridal chamber.”