By Zephyria “Because you weren’t there…”
“……”
“Because I looked away, because I fell asleep, and thought you were gone…”
“……”
“Because I thought it was all… over…”
He was rambling like a half-crazed person.
The long, strong arms wrapped around Choi Hong-seo’s torso were applying no control over their strength. He was like a wild animal that rushes at people as a sign of affection, unaware that his own weight or force could be a threat to the other.
He felt a dull pain in his rib cage and couldn’t inhale enough oxygen through his nose. Still, Choi Hong-seo didn’t tell him to let go. Instead, he lifted his chin over Lee Hae-sung’s shoulder and breathed in deeply.
He wrapped his arms around Lee Hae-sung’s bare back, his taut muscles breathing heavily. He tried to grasp the situation by stroking his skin with his palms.
Realizing he couldn’t embrace him with any more force, Lee Hae-sung lowered his head. It was a desperate gesture to reach Choi Hong-seo in his arms even a little more.
“Your side of the bed was empty, your phone and other belongings were still there… and no one saw you this morning…”
“……”
“It was terrifying.”
Lee Hae-sung chuckled, his body shaking, but it was not a cheerful, joyful laugh. It was more like a forced laugh to shake off the overwhelming fear. The unstable, rigid laughter didn’t last long.
He confessed in a sighing, hollow voice, collapsing.
“Please… I just prayed that your soul hadn’t left.”
“Ah…”
A small moan, like a sigh, escaped Choi Hong-seo’s lips.
The reason he had run to the beach in his disheveled sleepwear became clear.
For a moment, he tightly gripped the cardigan Choi Hong-seo was wearing, then slowly loosened his grip. Hesitating several times with a reluctant expression, as if uneasy about separating Choi Hong-seo from his body even slightly.
His cold hands, damp with sweat, cupped both of Choi Hong-seo’s cheeks. With a familiar angle, he lifted his chin and looked up at Lee Hae-sung’s face.
“You’re still Hong-seo, right?”
His voice, asking cautiously, was answered with a nod. But for Lee Hae-sung, that wasn’t enough.
“You’re really still Hong-seo, aren’t you?”
Choi Hong-seo placed his hands over Lee Hae-sung’s hands cupping his face.
“I am Hong-seo. I am Hong-seo.”
This time, Lee Hae-sung nodded. His mouth, trying to smile with difficulty, twitched slightly. He wiped his face several times with his large palms and smiled awkwardly.
“Haha… I overreacted. Didn’t I?”
He tried to act like he was fine, but his face was still pale.
“It wasn’t an overreaction. I was bad for leaving without a word. I won’t… do it again.”
“……”
Silence fell between them for a while. Both of them were reminded of that one moment in the past when Choi Hong-seo had disappeared from the world without a word, yet neither of them brought it up or spoke of it. The gentle, steady sound of the waves and the slightly chilly sea breeze filled the uneasy silence.
Lee Hae-sung’s bare upper body looked so cold that Choi Hong-seo reached out and stroked his chest, shoulders, and arms. Lee Hae-sung tightly grasped both of Choi Hong-seo’s wrists, whispering with a face that looked like it had shattered and fallen.
“Yes, don’t do it again. Just don’t do it again.”
He wiped Choi Hong-seo’s face several more times while standing there, then found and held Choi Hong-seo’s hand. His wide palm pressed against Choi Hong-seo’s, leaving no gap.
“Shall we go? After breakfast, we have to go hiking.”
The stairs along the cliff were narrow and steep, so the two couldn’t walk side-by-side. It was inconvenient to walk holding hands, one behind the other, but Lee Hae-sung willingly endured the discomfort. He didn’t seem to have any intention of letting go.
“We woke up a bit earlier than planned, but there’s rain forecast for late afternoon anyway. It’s good timing. It’ll be nice to go quickly and spend the afternoon leisurely.”
He was much more talkative than usual. It seemed like an attempt to show he was okay, but his stiff tone and flushed voice betrayed his instability.
Choi Hong-seo, following behind and holding Lee Hae-sung’s outstretched hand, unconsciously looked down. Lee Hae-sung’s feet, stepping on the stairs, came into view. He was barefoot. The blue pajama pants, with their vertical stripes, were a mess from the wet grass, the dirt on the stairs, and the mud and sand from the beach.
He hadn’t even had time to grab a top, let alone put on shoes.
He might have felt a more terrible fear than he had described.
He pictured Lee Hae-sung running around the vast mansion like a madman, calling his name. A man who had completely lost his usual calm and detached demeanor, a man simply searching for the one he loved, terrified.
Shhh… As he reached the last step, the sound of the waves and the wind, which had been pushed to the periphery of his consciousness until then, suddenly captured his hearing. He looked at Lee Hae-sung’s strong back, which seemed impossible to break down with any force. Then he looked down again at Lee Hae-sung’s bare feet on the grass.
He had thought of him as a god-like being, capable of doing anything he wanted, of owning the world…
He didn’t know what he was looking at.
Choi Hong-seo pulled back the hand that Lee Hae-sung was leading him with. The pulling force made Lee Hae-sung stop and turn around. Even though he was trying to act fine, his face was still numb with shock.
“At first… I thought I had gone mad.”
“……”
“Rather than the dead Choi Hong-seo waking up in someone else’s body… I thought it was more plausible that I was Yoon Hye-an, mistaking myself for Choi Hong-seo… and going mad like that.”
Lee Hae-sung’s eyes widened as he looked at Choi Hong-seo. It was a topic they had both implicitly avoided since yesterday.
“But if that’s the case… then all my memories of Choi Hong-seo should be false.”
“……”
“It’s too detailed and vivid to be a delusion created by a madman’s brain… I can’t think of anyone but you…”
His gaze fell to the hand he was still holding tightly. He took a breath to suppress tears. His bare feet came forward and gently pressed Choi Hong-seo’s back of the head onto his shoulder.
“Hong-seo, you don’t have to talk anymore. You don’t have to talk now if it’s difficult.”
With his forehead buried in Lee Hae-sung’s shoulder, Choi Hong-seo shook his head.
“Actually, I’m scared too.”
“……”
“Ever since I could see you up close again, and talk to you… I’ve been more scared.”
With the thought that he shouldn’t avoid it, he raised his head. He met his eyes.
“How long can I borrow Yoon Hye-an’s body… Will my soul leave, Yoon Hye-an’s soul return, or will he return in a state of unconsciousness… Will I disappear like that…?”
“Don’t even speak of such things! Why would you disappear!”
Lee Hae-sung grabbed Choi Hong-seo’s shoulders and shook him roughly. Choi Hong-seo saw fear in his eyes. Both of them wanted to avoid it because they were afraid.
“I tried hard to think with my dull mind about what would be best for you, sir…”
“……”
“But seeing you in so much pain after I returned, I regretted it.”
Lee Hae-sung stopped shaking Choi Hong-seo, his hands now gripping his shoulders tightly.
“No matter what terrible pain awaited, I should have stayed and gone through that pain together.”
“……”
“I can’t regret it again. So I have to say it when I have the chance.”
“……”
“I love you.”
Lee Hae-sung’s hands fell from Choi Hong-seo’s shoulders. Nothing else moved from him.
He seemed to have completely forgotten the shock of searching for Choi Hong-seo just moments before. A new shock had overwritten the previous one.
He wanted to add something more than the words “I love you.” Those words alone didn’t feel sufficient. It wasn’t a display of how deeply he loved, but rather that his feelings were more complex than the single word “love,” like an abstract painting with unclear themes, layered alternately with light and darkness. But there was no way he could explain such difficult emotions.
Just as he was about to say “I love you” one more time, he approached.
Lee Hae-sung, who had embraced him with such passion, almost violently strong force, was now the opposite, very careful. He approached as if to press chest against chest, his arms brushing over his shoulders. The lips breathing life into him blew warm breath into his ear.
“You won’t disappear.”
“……”
“I will never let that happen.”
It was a very low whisper, but his voice no longer carried any fear.
Hot, rough lips pressed firmly against the curve of his ear, then moved along his temple. His lips pressed down on his eyelids, then slid down his nose.
“Ah…”
As Choi Hong-seo, realizing what he was about to do, gasped and parted his lips, his mouth met the opening. They held each other’s lips, taking turns. When his upper lip felt like it was being consumed, the next moment, Choi Hong-seo himself was biting his upper lip. They parted and closed repeatedly, gently pressing and sucking the soft flesh, exchanging the wet softness of the inner lips.
In the Pacific, sparkling like fragments of jewels, and in the wind blowing from that unknown distant sea, they confirmed and embraced each other without wavering. For that moment, nothing was frightening. He was kissing him. The relief of finally reaching him overwhelmed everything.
Slurp. With a sweet sound effect, Lee Hae-sung’s lips slightly pulled away. While rubbing their noses together, his gaze remained fixed on Choi Hong-seo’s lips.
“Do you really want to go hiking?”
Choi Hong-seo shook his head, and with each shake, their noses brushed. Neither initiated, and no process of suggestion or agreement was necessary. They held hands and hurried back to the mansion.