7 – Alpha Tamagotchi

Was this the feeling of stepping on a comma during a marathon? The daily life I had been running breathlessly came to a sudden halt. The only difference from yesterday was that Cheon Tae-rim-ssi wasn’t here. Only that he wouldn’t be coming home tonight. But that alone completely ruined my day.

From the moment I woke up staring at the empty space next to me in bed, I felt hollow. Not a bright, wide-open emptiness, but a small, unpleasant, stinging hole. I scratched my chest, trying to shake off the empty feeling.

I had to get rid of the feeling of being abandoned. To do that, I had to do everything well on my own and take care of myself. So I spent the whole morning at the spa. Using the bathtub I never used and finishing with a sauna made me feel a little better.

‘Okay, let’s just live like this.’

I checked my phone while drying my wet hair. The message box, which had been empty, had over thirty messages today alone.

There was also a text from my father’s secretary, asking how I was doing.

‘Chairman must have said something.’

I pretended to have just thought of it and called my father. Every time I heard my father’s voice, the words ‘Why did you do that to me?’ would surge up my throat. But there was nothing more pointless than discussing wounds that couldn’t be healed. It was better to be a good, obedient son.

What greater blessing could there be than knowing in advance how much my parents loved me, what they would give me, and what they wouldn’t? If I didn’t have foolish expectations, I wouldn’t be disappointed.

Thanks to that, I no longer saw my father as a close figure. The good son, Kang Hae-ah, who vaguely hoped he would take my side and just love me, was dead. Now, my father was my sponsor and my boss.

I now understood why my eldest sister called him ‘Chairman Kang’ even in private. It was because it was easier that way, in front of someone who would kick you off the scale as soon as your value dropped. I had to think of him as Chairman, not as a parent.

There was one more thing that was new since my regression. It seemed that I had no one in the world to care about except my younger sister, and I came to understand my eldest sister, who had always seemed scary and cynical, a little better. My twenty-nine-year-old sister, seen through the eyes of a thirty-two-year-old, was different.

My thirty-year-old self had been terrible, but my sister’s twenty-nine-year-old self was already impressive. Dominant Alpha Kang Hae-in, who had already secured the position of vice president of Hanseong Group, was not a scary person. She was an amazing person.

So I texted my sister.

[Chairman must have said something

about his children being distant.

Secretary Jang contacted me.]

5:12 PM

Then, I read the texts sent by my graduate school classmates one by one. There were three invitations to my solo exhibition, asking if I would come. It seemed the rumor that I had visited Hye-rim noona’s exhibition and bought her work had spread.

‘I wonder if they’ve all heard about Jun-woo?’

I continued to worry about what to do with Park Jun-woo. But he wasn’t a clueless guy, so he might have regretted his actions as soon as he sobered up that day. Or maybe he was even angrier because of what I said.

I thought about contacting Jun-woo, but I stopped. There was no need to appease or coax him. After all, there was nothing Jun-woo could do. The more he hated, disliked, and cursed me, the more disadvantageous it would be for him. Even if he took action, he could only make noise by suing Tae-rim-ssi, but he wouldn’t be able to find a lawyer for that.

Who would side with him if he sued the son of a prosecutor? Even if he found a lawyer, the defendant’s husband was Kang Hae-ah. There was no need to even mention the spec of being Chairman Kang Jun-il’s son. It was something I could handle on my own.

The Jun-woo I knew was a great egoist. He got so angry that he lashed out just because a few of his paintings were taken down from a group exhibition. There was no way such a man would choose to ruin his path as an artist.

‘Then… that’s it.’

To clearly organize my position, the person I needed to worry about wasn’t Jun-woo. It was Hye-rim noona.

So I called Hye-rim noona for lunch. I took her in my car and brought her to the artists’ gathering. There were many familiar faces at the gathering organized by Teacher Im. Noona was flustered and didn’t know what to do for thirty minutes, but she finally looked more comfortable when the gathering was about to end.

In the afternoon, I returned to my studio. I painted for three or four hours straight without resting until night. My twenty-six-year-old stamina was, as expected, really, really good. A piece was completed in a flash.

‘Is it okay to churn them out this quickly?’

I suddenly became scared.

‘Is this okay?’

I even felt like the props surrounding me were slowly moving away to the periphery. I quickly sat down in my chair. My shoulders trembled as if I had been startled by an earthquake. Yet, I couldn’t understand the reason for my fear.

Before my regression, I had fallen into a deep slump, kicking and smashing canvases. I had even crouched on the crumpled and dirty Hemp cloth, cursing the sunlit window and crying. Compared to the desperate efforts I had made last time, the second time was easy.

People, paintings, everything was too easy. Everyone I met today was kinder and more grateful to me than necessary. More than ten works were nearing completion, even though less than half the time that should have been spent had passed.

I even worried that someone might suspect something. Last time, I had to hide the fact that I had worked so hard that my legs were swollen and my fingers were blistered, and act like a genius, which was exhausting. This time, it was the opposite. I wondered if I should pretend to be moderately struggling and slowly agonizing.

But on the second and third days, the work progressed smoothly. I directly experienced ecstasy, a word I had only encountered in aesthetics books. Once I started focusing on my work, time flowed quickly, and a piece was completed every time I picked up a brush.

“Artist, would you like some fruit?”

Ok-hye-ssi knocked on the door, and

“Just leave it there.”

I chewed on the end of my brush. In front of me, in my tattered state, were rows of works that were ready to be hung, lined up in various colors.

Over the past few days, going out of the studio only at night had become a kind of routine. Dinner was always set on the table. Ok-hye-ssi had also left a cup of fruit she had prepared, saying she was ‘leaving without saying goodbye so as not to disturb me.’ I picked up the glass, took a couple of sips, and put it down.

I checked my phone, checked my email, and checked the calendar again. Without realizing it, five days had passed. It had been five days since I was left in a house without Cheon Tae-rim.

There were twelve missed calls, eleven from ‘Cheon Tae-rim-ssi’ and one from ‘Il-hae hyung.’ I hurriedly called Tae-rim-ssi. I hung up after the second ring.

‘What time is it in America now?’

I suddenly became scared.

‘What if I wake him up by calling? What if he sighs?’

What if he didn’t give me any kind of response? What if he said he didn’t want anything? What if he said he wanted the house to be a little quieter when he came back… I suddenly became scared and ran upstairs to the second floor.

I hurried down the hallway to the bathroom and checked myself in the mirror. I ran my paint-stained hands over my face, under my eyes, next to my nose, under my chin, and on my neck. The reflection was only of Kang Hae-ah at twenty-six.

I held my phone and bit my lip, then chose the least scary missed call.

[Kang Il-hae hyung]

The four letters in the center of the screen felt like a kind of nightmare to me.

Whenever I thought of my one and only Hyung, my mouth always felt gritty. He was someone who was immune to any of my tricks, expressions, or excuses. Sometimes I thought of Hyung as a wall with fists.

Perhaps that’s why I felt uncomfortable around Korean students when I lived in Paris. Women were okay, but I didn’t like men. It was even worse when I visited Seoul at my father’s call and was scolded by Hyung before returning. I didn’t want to hear Korean or meet Korean men, even as much as I did in Paris. They would point out my Korean pronunciation or dislike my attitude, which reminded me of Il-hae hyung.

Sometimes someone would ask,

‘Kang Hae-ah, do you have to act like an artist to feel satisfied?’

When I received similar questions countless times, I would do only one thing. According to my eldest sister, I would show a smiling face that was ‘annoyingly like Mom’s,’ and say,

‘That’s how you see me, I guess.’

Then I would wipe both cheeks, and that was it.

I never argued or tried to fight back. If I did, they would get angry and attack me with shields and spears. I preferred surrender to a war of nerves. I was no different from a dog that rolls over on its back. ‘Okay, don’t be angry. I’ll take it as a compliment and move on. Let’s not fight’… How many humans would kick a dog like that? Maybe one or two out of ten.

But there was one human who would kick such a dog. That was Kang Il-hae. My one and only Hyung, who I couldn’t separate from my life and couldn’t escape from.

“Hoo….”

I sighed deeply and called Il-hae hyung. If I pretended not to know about the missed call and put it off, I knew that nothing good would come of it.

The ring stopped after only one ring.

—Kang Hae-ah.

I never thought the day would come when I would feel relieved by Hyung’s grumpy voice. Today was exactly that day. I needed Hyung to scold the foolish twenty-six-year-old Kang Hae-ah. That voice brought me back to the present from my chaotic thoughts.

“Ah… I’m sorry, Hyung. I was holed up working and didn’t realize the days were passing.”

I turned up the speakerphone and took off my clothes. I unzipped my tattered work clothes and pulled up my white t-shirt.

—Ah, yeah. How’s the exhibition preparation going? Did you get a call from Father?

“Yeah. This exhibition… he said he’d take care of everything and just told me to paint…”

I groped and pressed my clean abdomen. There were no lumps or tumors to be felt. My heart was pounding under my smooth chest. There were traces of my efforts to ‘become muscular’ on my ribs, from working out for four months.

—Okay. Don’t cause any trouble and just do your job.

Il-hae hyung said, and

“Yeah, I will.”

I stared into the mirror.

“Hey, Hyung… have you heard anything? I’m curious why he’s suddenly taking care of my exhibition gallery and everything.”

I asked slowly, pretending to be clueless. I wanted to know how much Il-hae hyung was involved in the upcoming events.

But Kang Il-hae had never moved according to my wishes. My wishes were just for him not to hit me here, not to get angry, not to hate me… But this time was no different.

—You’re getting too comfortable, Kang Hae-ah.

My back muscles stiffened at his cold voice.

—Shut up and do as you’re told… Ha…, I can’t really mess you up.

If we were in the same place, I would have been beaten up three more times by now. Hyung lowered his voice deeply over the phone.

—Even if he does everything for you, you’re still not satisfied? You’re just greedy. What would you even know if I told you?

“……”

—How many times do I have to say it? You just have to live the life that’s been decided for you.

“Yeah, sorry.”

—What’s there to be curious about for you, you live such an easy life, why do you make people tired… Don’t make me repeat myself.

“Yeah….”

Before I could say anything more, the call was cut off abruptly. I felt like I had been doused with cold water. I saw my pale face in the mirror. I stared at my twenty-six-year-old cheeks.

‘So he is involved.’

And my mind became calm. Whether it was because of the inertia of a long time, I would return to being a six-year-old in front of Il-hae hyung, but even if my body trembled, my reason was that of the thirty-two-year-old Kang Hae-ah.

‘It wasn’t the tone of someone who didn’t know anything. Saying, ‘What would you even understand if I told you?’ means there’s something to tell….’

As I pulled off the rest of my clothes, my fingers felt cold against my skin. My T-shirt was soaked with sweat by the time I finished the short call.

While filling the tub with scalding hot water, I sorted out my thoughts. Just as written on a page of the ‘Future Diary,’ my solo exhibition would be held at the National Assembly Gallery.

Kang Hae-ah, the son of Hanseong Group, had no reason or need to bring in works to the gallery, but now it was different. Kang Hae-ah, the son-in-law of Chief Prosecutor Cheon Hee-jung, had a plausible excuse and symbolism. I could only guess at the conversations that had taken place between the adults, but it was clear that my father-in-law had worked hard for my exhibition.

As a chief prosecutor, Cheon Hee-jung was a stern man who handled everything according to the law. But as a father-in-law, he was different. He was incredibly generous and full of affection, especially towards his family. He had even looked favorably upon the simpleton Kang Hae-ah as a new family member. Even though he wasn’t fond of the chaebol businessman, he said it wasn’t right to take out his feelings on the child.

‘Child.’

He could never have known that Kang Hae-ah, whom he had wrapped up in such a pretty word, would ruin his life. He must have purely believed the enticement that the exhibition would be ‘an opportunity to broaden his horizons as an artist.’

‘How could he have known? That Hanseong would use even their own children like merchandise… he could never have known. It’s something unimaginable in the Cheon family….’

My heart felt heavy when I thought of myself six years ago. Just as Il-hae hyung had said, I had worked hard like a good child, doing as I was told, following the set path. It was the same on the day of the solo exhibition opening. I thanked the Chief Prosecutor as Father had instructed, and I met several congressmen who had come to see Kang Hae-ah, the son-in-law of Cheon Hee-jung, not Kang Hae-ah, the son of Hanseong Group. Among them were some ruling party ‘Iron Bull’ congressmen.

‘Iron Bull’ was a slang term used by businessmen and political prosecutors. It referred to congressmen who couldn’t be swayed by any machinations, who were as steadfast as rocks, who didn’t take bribes or grant favors. In Korean, they say, ‘Follow a friend to Gangnam.’ Several of the ruling party Iron Bulls were long-time friends of Chief Prosecutor Cheon Hee-jung.

Congressmen who had no connection to chaebol businessmen like Hanseong and no reason to contact each other gathered at the gallery. Chairman Kang Jun-il used that opportunity as a stepping stone for exchange. Around that time, Father told me that in Korea, business and politics rolled along together, sometimes clashing and sometimes bound together. I remembered the touch of his hand patting my shoulder with satisfaction. With one foot on the escalator that would lead me into the political world, Father had abandoned me like that.

My knees began to tremble. The blood vessels were visible on my pale blue thighs.

“Hoo….”

I tightly closed the faucet and put my foot into the bathtub filled with water just before overflowing. The hot water felt itchy on my feet, like frostbite.

Gripping the bathtub armrest, I lowered myself into the hot water. I only felt alive when I was heated up like this. I felt like I would freeze to death even inside the house if I didn’t soak in hot water. I didn’t know why my body kept getting so cold.

Looking up at the dim ceiling light, I sorted out the things that would happen and change in the future. When Kang Hae-ah’s solo exhibition started on the first weekend of August in two months, 80% of the works would be sold on the opening day. Father would abandon me, Hyung would laugh at me, and my sisters would turn their backs as if I had never existed.

But this time, the fact that several Iron Bull congressmen bought my paintings wouldn’t be seen as a favor. There shouldn’t be any news about the price of my paintings going up at auction later. Hanseong wouldn’t bring in several legal technicians to manipulate things, Chief Prosecutor Cheon Hee-jung wouldn’t be caught up in false rumors, wouldn’t be hammered by the press, and wouldn’t leave the Eastern District Prosecutor’s Office to protect his subordinate prosecutors.

It would be perfect if only that could happen. It would be okay if the Kang family abandoned me and cursed me. Because Cheon Tae-rim-ssi would be by my side.

‘This time, he won’t hate me….’

This exhibition is my last exhibition. I will no longer paint. I had already given up my life at thirty-two once, so what was the big deal about giving up Kang Hae-ah as a painter?

‘I’ll break my brush.’

The hot water reached above my neck. My tired body slowly slid into the bathtub.

‘Maybe I’ll learn to cook and become a full-time homemaker. What if Tae-rim-ssi doesn’t like having an unemployed husband… then maybe I’ll do translation work….’

In my dazed state, I heard the ringing of a bell. It was the sound of my cell phone ringing with a vibrating ‘woong,’ ‘woong.’

“Keok!”

I lifted my head out of the water. The hot water that had been pooling in my nose, ears, and hair poured out with a sound.

“Cough, cough….”

The surprised strength left my feet as I coughed harshly. My head submerged in the bathtub water again. After floundering meaninglessly, I grabbed the armrest and pulled myself out.

“Cough….”

Tears and snot streamed down my face. I had only meant to warm up for a moment, but it seemed I had fallen asleep. A buzzing sound rang in my ears. I put my hand to my ear and shook it, and then I clearly heard the sound of my cell phone ringing again.

Wiping my reddened face with a towel, I looked at my cell phone.

[Cheon Tae-rim-ssi]

The four letters snapped me awake. I hurriedly pressed the call button, but my throat was scratchy, and I coughed first.

“Keok, cough… Keuhm, ahem! Tae…, Tae-rim-ssi.”

I was embarrassed to have greeted him with a coughing fit. When I buried my face in the towel, I felt water flowing over my slippery body. A mumbling sound echoed from the phone.

“Ah, wait a moment… sorry. Just a moment.”

I grabbed a gown, put it on, and picked up the phone again.

―…Hae-ah-ssi. Kang Hae-ah-ssi, can you hear me?

There was no need to bathe in hot water. As soon as I heard Tae-rim-ssi’s voice, I knew. That one word from his voice was enough to warm my cold body.

“Yes. I can hear you…. I’m sorry for answering the phone late. I dozed off in the bathtub.”

―What did you say?

“Yes? Uh… I said I’m sorry for answering the phone late….”

―No… Kang Hae-ah-ssi, are you home alone?

“Then who else would I be with if I’m not with Tae-rim-ssi?”

I wiped the wet cell phone screen with the sleeve of my gown. I trudged out of the bathroom. The king-size bed, empty without Tae-rim-ssi, felt desolate. I didn’t want to lie alone in the empty bed.

“So… did the meeting go well? How is it over there, is the weather nice? Is the hotel okay? Did you forget anything? Should I send you anything, like something you want to eat….”

Compared to my chatty questions,

―It’s fine.

The reply that came back was short.

I felt embarrassed that I was the only one excited by the phone call. I needlessly tightened the waist tie of my gown. There were many things I wanted to say, but when I heard Tae-rim-ssi’s indifferent reply, I couldn’t bring myself to speak.

“…….”

―…….

Only a long silence continued over the phone. My face reflected in the glass window was so red that it looked almost black.

“So…, Tae-rim-ssi.”

―Yes.

“Why did you… call?”

―…Do I need a reason to call home?

“It’s not that, but… what time is it there now?”

―It’s dawn. It’ll be night soon in Korea.

Just as he said, it was dark outside the window. It was a night with few moons or stars. The only light was the faint light from the small lamps in the garden.

With the phone pressed to my ear, I crept like a thief towards the bed. After hearing Tae-rim-ssi’s voice, a longing I hadn’t known was there rushed in. I wanted to see his calm face that always looked down at me. I wanted to smell the body scent that occasionally tickled my nose, and the unique perfume scent that he subtly wore every time he went to work. I missed him. How embarrassed would he be if I said I missed him… I wanted to see that expression.

‘I don’t have the courage to do that….’

Quietly, I picked up the pillow that was placed in Tae-rim-ssi’s spot. I sat on the bed and pressed my nose to his pillowcase. Ok-hye-ssi was sometimes, really, too diligent. Tae-rim-ssi’s scent was already gone from the bedding.

Disappointed, my arms and legs felt heavy.

“So, Tae-rim-ssi.”

―…Is my name ‘So Tae-rim-ssi’?

“Yes?”

―Why do you keep calling me ‘So’?

Did I? I didn’t realize it at all.

“Ah, it’s just, well… it feels a little awkward….”

I tried to excuse myself in a voice that was growing smaller,

―What’s awkward about it?

Tae-rim-ssi asked, cutting me off. Anyway, Cheon Tae-rim-ssi was a person who had to have everything clear. If he were a schoolteacher, I might be a failing student. I would be too afraid of being scolded by the teacher every day, so I would end up not even meeting the required attendance days.

“It’s awkward to be on the phone….”

My voice became even smaller, to the point where even I couldn’t hear it. I only sighed deeply, but Tae-rim-ssi on the other end of the phone was silent.

―…….

I had to use all my imagination to deduce the expression he was making now.

The palm of my hand holding the phone was slippery. I was so nervous about the call with Tae-rim-ssi that my hands were sweating. This was the first time we had ever had such a long call without any particular business. Even though we had lived in the same house for six years, he had only grown further away from me day by day, so it felt very awkward for him to be looking for me in the name of ‘home.’ It was the phone call I had dreamed of, but when I actually received it, it was like sitting on pins and needles.

‘I feel like I have to do something….’

I wondered if there was any worthwhile story I could tell him. Even so, my footsteps headed towards Tae-rim-ssi’s dressing room. I thought that if not the bedding, maybe there would be some body scent left on his clothes.

―Then, should I hang up?

After a long silence, Tae-rim-ssi asked. My heart shook.

“No, don’t hang up. Ah, do you have to hang up? Are you busy, Tae-rim-ssi?”

―I’m not doing anything right now.

“You’re not doing anything?”

―Hmm. I was thinking about Kang Hae-ah-ssi, though.

My feet stopped abruptly in front of the hangers in the dressing room.

“…Why, are you thinking about me?”

―Just because.

I couldn’t tell if my heart was pounding because of his words or because of the body scent emanating from the coat.

“…Just because?”

―Yes, just because.

I stared silently at his coat hanging on the hanger. I swallowed hard.

I pressed the speakerphone button and put the phone down. Then, like someone performing a solemn ritual, I slowly stroked the sleeves of Tae-rim-ssi’s coat. I touched it from top to bottom, and rubbed my index finger and thumb against the end of the sleeve.

Did Cheon Tae-rim-ssi know that I was on a date with his coat… he wouldn’t know, and he shouldn’t know. That I was putting both arms of his coat over my shoulders as it hung on the hanger. I buried my face in the coat collar as it was. Tae-rim-ssi’s scent faintly emanated from it.

My chest trembled. I took a deep breath, stifling the sound. As I inhaled the scent, a smile naturally spread across my face. It felt like I was being held in Cheon Tae-rim-ssi’s arms.

“So…, Tae-rim-ssi. You haven’t hung up yet?”

As I asked, hugging the waist of the coat,

―Yes.

Tae-rim-ssi replied.

Since he couldn’t see my face, the words I wanted to say filled my heart. First of all, I miss you. And the house feels too big without you. My body gets too cold when I’m alone at night. I was thinking sad thoughts a little while ago, but you don’t know that, do you? I want to cling to you and be held by you right now, but you don’t know that either. Even if you don’t know any of that, I like you if it’s you, Tae-rim-ssi. So, can’t you come back soon? Does it have to be you who goes on this business trip? I’ll pay for the plane tickets, so can’t you tell those guys to come to Seoul?

There were many sentences pounding on the roof of my mouth, but few words I could utter. I pressed my forehead against the stiff, broad shoulders of the coat and smiled.

‘What am I doing all alone.’

It was absurd and embarrassing. Acting like a spoiled child.

“Tae-rim-ssi, what do you think I’m doing right now?”

―What are you doing?

“I asked first.”

―…Are you getting ready to go to sleep?

“No. I can’t sleep.”

I laughed. Tae-rim-ssi had no idea what I was doing. There was no way he could know that his husband was actually a pervert and a spoiled brat, hugging his coat and sniffing it.

“Tae-rim-ssi….”

―Yes.

I miss you.

“What kind of perfume do you use?”

―Perfume?

“The perfume you wear when you go to work. What’s the name of it?”

Then, I heard a sigh-like laugh over the phone. I put both hands inside the sleeves of his coat and laughed along with him.

―If you look behind the mirror in the master bathroom.

“Yes. Behind the mirror in the master bathroom.”

―There are two navy blue bottles next to the skin.

“Yes. Navy blue bottles.”

―The one that’s square and angular.

“The angular one….”

I strangely wondered how I had endured the empty house before. It hadn’t even been five days, and I was already so homesick that I was suffocating, so how had I waited for Tae-rim-ssi when he would sometimes leave for an entire season?

“Cheon Tae-rim-ssi.”

It felt like one of the axes of Kang Hae-ah’s being was missing. I didn’t think I had been this shaken before, I thought I had somehow held on to my sanity and endured, but today’s Kang Hae-ah was strange. It was as if one of the parts of my body, a very important screw, was missing.

“I miss you.”

Tae-rim-ssi didn’t reply to my whispered words. Whether he hadn’t heard because it was too quiet, or whether he was ignoring me even after hearing it, Tae-rim-ssi’s silence was all uncertainty. Feeling like I wanted to run away, I put my head inside his coat.

My eyes and ears heated up at the same time.

In my dream, I was a dying bird. A young bird trapped in a nest, waiting for its mother bird who wouldn’t return. Its wings were not yet fully grown, so it couldn’t fly, and below the nest was a sheer cliff, so it cried weakly with a hungry stomach before waking up.

‘Wow, that was a really unpleasant dream.’

It had been fifteen days since Cheon Tae-rim-ssi had left on his long-term business trip. Now, only a little over a month remained until he returned. That time felt terribly long. Every day I had bizarre dreams when I slept, and my head ached after waking up.

Feeling the headache that inevitably washed over me, I got out of bed and headed to the dressing room. I went into Tae-rim-ssi’s dressing room and searched for clothes that still had Tae-rim-ssi’s body scent. Most of the clothes smelled only of fabric softener because they had been dry-cleaned, but I was relieved that a few of the outer garments still had his scent on them.

I found a shirt that smelled like Tae-rim-ssi and tried it on, and it looked quite funny. The dress shirt covered half of my thighs like a mini-dress. I laughed as I looked at my outrageous appearance in the mirror, and then I buried my nose in the sleeve of the shirt.

“Hoo-eup.”

I took a deep breath in and out, enjoying Tae-rim-ssi’s scent. Then the headache would go away.

Even though my head cleared, what I was doing was still foolish. I put on Tae-rim-ssi’s shirt like a cardigan over my pajamas and spent the whole day absorbed in finding someone who would stay by my side.

For the past few days, Ok-hye-ssi had been keeping me company. But Ok-hye-ssi’s son had caught the flu, so she had taken a vacation for the first time in a year, and that spot was now vacant as well.

Driver Oh seemed to know that I wasn’t feeling well, and he came in and out of the house several times. He would buy juice or bread for no reason, and then look around and ask if I was eating well.

‘Are you going to spend all your salary on me? Your wife will scold you.’

Even when I nagged him while sipping the juice with a straw, Driver Oh would only give me an embarrassed smile.

To somehow fill the time that was missing, I tried all sorts of things. At first, I joined various gatherings, but as they were connections from six years ago, they felt awkward and uncomfortable to me. Inviting acquaintances to my house was a hassle to prepare for, and it was tiring to act to hide the fact that I had regressed.

Finally, I found a good solution. It was to call a personal shopper to my house. I just needed someone to be by my side, and there was no one safer than a department store employee. It was a win-win situation because they were just doing their job during work hours, so I didn’t have to feel sorry.

Like Kang Hae-ah in his twenties, who was very interested in fashion, there were several personal shoppers who could be matched immediately. I called the manager who said she could prepare within two hours.

“I want to give a gift to, not me, but my… well, my husband…. I want to get a recommendation, would that be possible? He’s about one hundred ninety-eight centimeters tall.”

―Yes, yes. You mean AOM CEO Cheon Tae-rim, right?

“Yes. What do you call that in Korean? A narrow leber design suits him well.”

―Ah, you mean the lapel? Yes, a design with a narrow collar.

“Ah, yes. That’s it. And please get a watch too. He likes watches.”

―Yes! I’ll find a style that suits him and visit you around 2 PM.

Before hanging up after a pleasant farewell,

“Ah, just a moment. Section Chief, you’re not an Alpha, are you?”

I asked urgently. A calm reply of, “No,” came from beyond the phone. Only after hearing a clear self-introduction as a Beta could I end the call.

Then, I just stared at the clock hands.

‘I’m bored.’

I had nothing to do.

The works to be hung in the exhibition, the content for the captions, even the introductory remarks and interviews to be included in the catalog were all checked, so there was nothing left to do. There were no books to read, no movies worth watching. Because whatever I looked at, I already knew everything.

Fighting a strange sense of emptiness while glaring at the clock was the entirety of my day.

I raised my right hand to rub my face, belatedly realizing my fingers had turned blue. I rushed to the bathroom and turned on the hot water. I put my hands in the steaming sink.

‘Why am I really… really like this?’

If I was particularly sick somewhere, I would go to the hospital, but that wasn’t the case. I was just endlessly empty and lonely. I didn’t feel like eating anything, and I didn’t even have the will to do anything.

As soon as it hit exactly 2 o’clock, the personal shopper rang the bell. Watching the busy movements of the section chief and the staff as they brought in the hangers and display stands and set them up, my mind calmed down. It was amazing that just having someone next to me could ease my anxiety.

“I’ve prepared watches with a weighty design. Looking at the CEO’s image, you mainly enjoy wearing calm suits in dark colors, so I thought it would be good to put emphasis on the shoes and watch….”

As soon as the staff disappeared, the section chief began introducing the products, and

“I’ll buy everything you brought.”

I laid down on the sofa.

“What time do you get off work, Section Chief?”

“Yes? Yes? Uh…, 7 o’clock.”

“Then stay here until 6:30 and then go. You couldn’t even eat, right? You can eat the sandwiches and juice over there…, I’m going to sleep…. Just be next to me.”

I put my head on the sofa cushion and gripped the sleeve of the dress shirt that covered my upper body. As I closed my eyes and stretched out my legs, the section chief didn’t make any other sounds. Inwardly, he might be thinking I’m a crazy bastard.

But I can’t, sleep… because the side of the pillow is empty, I keep having nightmares. In my dreams, I’m a dog kicked by Hyung, a bird crying in its nest, Kang Hae-ah lying on plastic.

So it was okay if he thought I was a weirdo throwing money around. If only I could get a deep sleep.

I called in a staff member I had just met and had him sit down, and I took a nap that might have been worth thousands or millions.

On the day I endured three weeks after Tae-rim-ssi left for America, I went crazy. I woke up in the middle of the night screaming, and ran barefoot in my pajamas all the way to the detached house. Then I checked, the sight of my corpse not being in the detached house where dark darkness had fallen.

I was trapped in the detached house for no reason until the deep night passed and the dim dawn came. If I just opened the door and stepped out, it would be the garden, but I couldn’t do that, so I cried. After crying for a long time, belatedly,

“Woof woof!”

I suddenly shouted.

I ran out of the detached house and looked around the garden. There was no dog house that should have been there, and there was no barking sound that should have been heard.

“Woof woof?”

I ran to the tree where that white guy often smelled. Only a sapling that seemed to have been newly planted was visible, but there was no tail-wagging dog to be seen. That guy whose name I couldn’t even give him, suddenly came to mind.

“Woof woof….”

As I stood there, my body trembled. My teeth were chattering from the cold. It was strange, it was already July, but I was cold. It was as if only my body was trapped in December. I felt chills and my lips twisted.

Terrified by an inexplicable fear, I screamed. I let out a single cry of ‘Ack,’ and ran back into the house. It felt like I was being chased by a very mean and scary being.

Looking at the empty living room and the empty kitchen, I went to the refrigerator and opened the door. I scanned all the shelves. There were foods that Ok-hye-ssi had packed tightly stacked up, but the container of mushroom side dishes that I had made so ridiculously much of was nowhere to be seen.

‘I’m going crazy.’

I clutched my hair as if I would pull it all out and I was flustered. I ran to the stairs and stepped on the carefully laid rug. One step at a time, I rubbed the rug with the soles of my feet as I climbed the stairs. The tears that had welled up fell in drops onto the instep of my foot.

I went into the second-floor master bedroom and obsessively looked around. I checked the book that Tae-rim-ssi had been reading and left behind, and I also found the slippers placed next to the bed. I put my feet in them. Tae-rim-ssi’s slippers, where his feet had touched, were very big. When I put my feet in so that my toes touched the inside, there was a lot of space left at the heel.

Wearing the loose shoes, I walked slowly into Tae-rim-ssi’s dressing room. Now that room was no different from a lunch box from which only the delicious food had been eaten first. The clothes that had been heavily scented with Tae-rim-ssi’s scent no longer soothed me because I had worn them all, hugged them, and covered myself with them.

Sniffling, I took out his bathrobe and put it on. I tied the waist belt tightly and stood there blankly for a long time. Then,

“Perfume.”

I said as if I had realized something.

I rushed into the second-floor bathroom and opened the mirror. Two navy blue bottles placed next to the skin lotion, the angular one among them… I muttered the words I had heard and picked up the perfume bottle. After spraying it two or three times, I felt relieved and the strength in my legs gave way.

“Hic….”

I sat down on the armrest of the bathtub, and then I collapsed. My weakened body slid into the empty bathtub. I sprayed the perfume into the air two or three more times. I closed my eyes and inhaled the scent that had been on Tae-rim-ssi’s neck when he went to work.

Crumpled in the bathtub, I practically buried my nose in my cell phone. The corner was broken, probably because it was dropped. I opened the message box and obsessively read the texts I had received from ‘Cheon Tae-rim-ssi.’

-The day before yesterday-

[[International] How is your

condition? The youngest

secretary will stop by

this afternoon.]

9:00 AM

[Did you leave something

behind? You should have

listened to me… I told you

to take good care of it…

Sometimes Tae-rim-ssi is a

bit clumsy.]

9:12 AM

[[International] Yes, yes.]

9:15 AM

-Yesterday-

[[International] Pick out one

tie.]

10:00 PM

[A cross pattern.]

12:12 AM

[[International] ? What are you

doing up at this hour?]

12:18 AM

[You texted me first…

Who’s that next to the tie

in the picture?]

12:20 AM

[[International] It’s a mirror.]

12:27 AM

One by one, as I read the texts that seemed to have Tae-rim-ssi’s voice, the churning in my stomach calmed down. These were texts that hadn’t existed before. These were casual conversations that hadn’t existed before, and this was interest that hadn’t existed before. When I opened the MMS photo, I could see Tae-rim-ssi’s legs reflected in the mirror. Underneath a white cloth that appeared to be a bathrobe, I could vaguely see his lower calves and feet.

I covered my cell phone and masturbated… I lowered my pajama pants and buried my nose in Tae-rim-ssi’s shower gown, trying to relieve my depression.

“Hic, ugh….”

As I did so, my back hunched over and my Adam’s apple stiffened. I closed my eyes tightly and imagined Tae-rim-ssi.

However, the Tae-rim-ssi in my imagination was not kind. He wasn’t a husband who asked me if I had eaten or told me that his secretary would be coming or asked me to pick out a tie. He didn’t smile at me. He just grabbed my ankle with a cold face.

Swoosh, my body flowed down to the bottom of the bathtub. Tae-rim-ssi stood tall between my legs.

‘Kang Hae-ah-ssi.’

He called me coldly and looked down on me as if I were a bug. He lowered his head toward my ugly lips, and then spat on my cheek.

‘You dirty pervert….’

Tae-rim-ssi’s foot stepped on my thigh.

‘Do you masturbate while thinking about this kind of thing?’

“Ugh, yes….”

The contemptuous gaze, the pushing hand, the trampling foot sequentially dominated my mind. The hand gripping my genitals gradually sped up.

“Ugh, ugh, …hic.”

Semen splattered on the inside wall of the bathtub. My reddened neck became so stiff that it hurt as if I had a cramp. At the same time as I ejaculated, tears flowed into my mouth.

Slowly, I opened my eyes and looked around. Of course, Tae-rim-ssi wasn’t there, I was the only one in the bathroom. I leaned my head against the crumpled shower gown and lay on my side. I looked at my damp hand, and then I slumped. I could feel a lukewarm liquid flowing under my buttocks.

Depression mixed with exhaustion and self-loathing. For the first time since regressing, I wanted to die again.

‘I want to die.’

I thought it would be better to just die now and start over. I wondered if after dying like that two, three, four… five times, the sixth Kang Hae-ah would be a somewhat useful person.

‘Not such a dirty and pathetic guy… but someone that Tae-rim-ssi would like.’

Suddenly, I slammed my forehead against the wall of the bathtub. The sound of my head hitting the wall made my breath catch. As I inhaled the breath I had been holding back while lost in delusion, my heart seemed to be pounding at the top of my head.

“Heeik….”

Making a strange breathing sound, I quickly got up from the bathtub. I can’t be alone. That sense of urgency woke me up. It was the sound of the last remaining reason shouting.

‘I can’t be alone!’

If I’m alone, I’m going to die, I’m going to commit suicide, I don’t want to die twice, I want to live… Overwhelmed by the surging anxiety, I picked up my cell phone. And I called Teacher Im. Until he answered, until he showed me a flustered voice asking what was wrong.

“Teacher, do you want to come to my house?”

I asked, forcing a smile.

I couldn’t think of any other way than to pretend to be in a good mood. Shouting that I would commit suicide if he didn’t come was too much even for me to think.

“I’m totally high right now. Sorry for calling so late. But, I’ve now… now I’ve finished all the final works?”

So I lied. It was another moment when I felt that the name tag of an artist was really perfect for Kang Hae-ah. I didn’t know how precious it was to be able to act like I was absorbed in myself and ask for this and that.

“Teacher is on my side and my fan, right?”

Trying not to let my crying sound be heard, I gripped the cell phone tightly with both hands.

“Come and take a look at my work. I think I’ll feel relieved if you take a look at it and tell me what you think.”

Because Teacher Im was someone who knew me, someone who wouldn’t betray me and liked me… I forcibly swallowed the rest of the words.

After a moment of silence, Teacher Im gave me a bright voice. He said he would come now, to wait a moment… I was deeply relieved by his words.

And I said.

“Come quickly.”

I couldn’t be alone for even a moment longer.

As soon as I saw Teacher Im, I smiled. It had been a very long time since I had seen him in such comfortable clothes, a sweatshirt and jeans. Teacher’s sneakers passed through the entrance of my house and came inside. He took off his glasses, saying that he had only combed his hair and came in a hurry.

While rubbing the lenses of his glasses, which were fogged up only near the bridge of his nose, with his collar,

“Why is your forehead like that again? It’s completely red.”

Teacher Im asked.

I quietly looked up at him as he put his glasses back on and examined my head. Teacher, who was parting the hair that covered my forehead and examining it here and there, looked very comfortable.

When he asked if I had bumped into something, I said ‘Just’ and turned around.

“I moved my studio. Did I tell you before?”

Then I walked deep into the hallway. The lights that turned on one by one without a sound illuminated the top of my head. The dining room that I had prepared so that my father-in-law and mother-in-law could be comfortably accommodated was now Kang Hae-ah’s exclusive cage.

I was very proud when I opened the door to the studio, which was filled with a messy smell of paint. It was time to fill the depleted self-esteem.

Teacher Im let out a short breath of ‘Ha.’ The works lined up to fill the studio walls greeted us.

Teacher’s reaction was as expected. He couldn’t hide his surprise, and he crossed his arms and craned his neck, admiring the works one by one from near and far. As he gestured, I turned on the soft incandescent light in the center of the studio.

With a ‘Pop’ sound, the dark studio immediately brightened.

“You’re a real genius, Kang the artist.”

Soon Teacher began to praise me. I felt embarrassed for no reason at the praise. Teacher knew better than anyone that the artist Kang Hae-ah was not a genius.

From the moment I suddenly became famous with my graduate school graduation work, I had always suffered from slumps. It was basic to call Teacher at 4 a.m. and cry. I spent more time smoking than painting, and even more time drunk than that.

‘So how could you not get cancer?’

While I was inwardly ridiculing the past and future Kang Hae-ah, Teacher Im had a serious face. His expression with his glasses adjusted and his eyebrows raised was unusual.

I didn’t regret impulsively calling Teacher. I was just a little nervous.

‘Did he perhaps notice something strange?’

To borrow the words that others sneered, ‘Kang Hae-ah is an artist that Im Geon raised.’ I swallowed that bitter remark sweetly. It was true. Teacher Im was my partner and producer. He decided which of my works to show and which works to hide behind the wall.

The current works that I had completed over several weeks were also works that I had checked with Teacher several times in the past before working on them.

“How did you do so well on your own….”

Teacher muttered, rubbing under his eyes.

“Hya…, artist. This is a completely new series. ‘Overflowing’ is already an old work, if it comes to this.”

However, there was no sign of suspicion. Quietly letting out a sigh of relief, I sat down on the chair. The armrest of the chair was rough because I had scratched and torn it so much.

As I stroked the rough surface, I finally laughed.

‘See, it’s okay because I’m with someone else…. I was just a little weird a while ago. I’m okay. I don’t really want to die. I feel alive, because I’m not alone anymore.’

With a much more elated feeling, I said.

“I’ve decided on the title for the solo exhibition too.”

“What did you decide on?”

If I could only not think about the aftermath, I would like to tell him. That you, Teacher Im, were the one who decided on that title, that you took out the shadows and typhoons and long nights from the ‘Forest’ series that I had conceived alone, and selected the paintings that could be shown.

“Light and Leaf.”

The works that were selected like that are looking at me. As my gaze lingered on the canvas, Teacher also turned around again. Slowly, looking around the works, he repeatedly exclaimed in admiration.

I couldn’t help but laugh at his words that the title was also well-chosen. Unintentionally, I had teased him.

I faithfully answered as he asked. What kind of lighting would be installed in the exhibition hall, how the paintings would be arranged in order, what the meaning contained in each work was… Teacher was pleased as he watched me rattle off the answers.

But no one knows. That the bright and colorful colors in my paintings are not an expression of innocence. That yellow is not the yellow of forsythia, that pink is not the pink of shyness, and that blue is not the blue of the autumn sky.

That my yellow is the yellow of the urine that I deliberately wet myself with so that Hyung wouldn’t hit me when I was young, that pink is the pink of sobbing shame, and that blue is the blue of the bruise hidden in my clothes.

No one knows. That I have long contained numerous accusations in my paintings, but no one knew. Without knowing, that someone hung my wounds in the lobby of their building. My screams, which were put up for auction in Hong Kong, received the highest praise. Father always liked my paintings, without even knowing that it was an apology to Mother.

So no one knows. Who Kang Hae-ah is….

“Ha, really….”

Teacher Im sighed.

“That’s why I can’t hate you, artist.”

And said.

“Just be considerate of me for once, artist Kang. Do you know how surprised I was when you called me in the middle of the night? I thought your house was on fire or something.”

“Then I would have looked for a firefighter, not Teacher. Hmm, well… isn’t it common for me to suddenly call you out?”

“I’m just a pushover when I’m in front of the artist.”

“What does ‘pushover’ mean? Tell me in French.”

Then Teacher Im laughed. After looking at my works for a long time, Teacher’s steps soon approached the easel covered with a white cloth. I listlessly watched his back as he deliberately uncovered the painting that had been covered.

“I thought you weren’t drawing representational paintings anymore.”

The reaction that came back was no different from what I had imagined.

I put both feet on the chair and sat crouched down, making a meaningless ‘Hmm’ sound.

“Sometimes… there must have been days when Modigliani also wanted to draw the pupils first. It’s the same for me, sometimes I also want to draw something that actually exists. The only reason I became an abstract painter is… because I’m the type who can’t draw anything that isn’t beautiful.”

My joke made Teacher Im laugh out loud. Then, he took his hand off the canvas covered with cloth. The painting, which had been visible for a moment, was covered again.

He pulled me up, saying this wasn’t the time for that.

“Let’s celebrate!”

Critic Im Geon, my Teacher Im, was more sincere to artist Kang Hae-ah than anyone else. He said he would get wine to celebrate the genius Kang Hae-ah, who had completed the entire new series in a month, and set off.

“You don’t have to go out and buy it. Where are you going at this hour?”

I stopped Teacher Im, who was taking out his car keys.

“We have a lot of wine at our house. Neither Tae-rim-ssi nor I drink it…”

“The writer has given up drinking?”

Teacher Im asked in surprise,

“Ah, I heard the stabilizer would be delayed, so I’ve been holding back for a while.”

As soon as I answered reflexively, I felt awkward.

“Ah….”

“……”

For a moment, both Teacher Im and I were silent. Trying to escape the awkward atmosphere, I quickly went down to the basement. Teacher Im didn’t follow me down, even while I was looking around the wine rack.

‘I haven’t talked about it deeply since I became an Omega, right…’

I still didn’t know what he thought about my awakening. Teacher Im had congratulated me on my marriage and willingly came to the garden party. He was like a partner who discussed everything from the material of the canvas used for my paintings to the type of sketching paper or Conté crayons.

But for some reason, I hesitated to talk about the changed trait or hear his opinion.

When I was a lively twenty-three or four-year-old, I had mistakenly thought that I might marry him. It was a very grand and simple delusion, because Teacher Im was always a yes-man who only said good things to me. I was very wrong to misunderstand that dating and marrying him would be easy.

I confessed and started dating, and as soon as we did, my expectations were shattered miserably. Once we became ‘us,’ the relationship between Teacher Im and me was good for about a week, and then rapidly deteriorated on the tenth day.

People thought that the fickle artist Kang Hae-ah was playing with the innocent critic teacher, but that was not true. It was quite the opposite… it was Teacher Im who was fickle, not me.

I don’t know if it was because of my overly dependent personality, but Teacher Im suddenly pushed me away. He very gently told me that he liked Kang Hae-ah as a writer more than as a lover.

I still remembered the hurt I received at that time. I was so sad and resentful that tears streamed down my face. I went to all sorts of gatherings, pretending to be a cool lover who was fine, very fine. I even went to the graduation exhibition held at his gallery and read a congratulatory speech.

It’s a black history that’s embarrassing to even think about. But the effort paid off. As a result, I succeeded in deceiving both Teacher Im and myself.

‘It’s strange…’

He was someone I used to be so desperate for, but the Teacher Im I met again was different from before. He was Im Geon from those days when he was most affectionate to me, but at the same time, he didn’t arouse any feelings in me now.

I picked up a bottle of wine and went up to the living room, where the soft light of the lamps was warm. Teacher Im was smiling with the candle warmer on. But I wasn’t excited at all. I was just indifferent, to the point where I doubted whether he was the same person who had set my heart on fire in my early twenties.

‘It’s because I’ve returned to the past… there’s a six-year time difference. The current Kang Hae-ah is not the simpleton from those days. I’m a completely different person.’

I tried to think that way. But the more I tried to deceive myself, the more Kang Hae-ah inside me greedily found the answer and dug up the truth.

‘It’s because I’m an Omega and Teacher Im is a Beta.’

So, he didn’t feel any different from any of the personal shoppers I used to call so often. Just someone who could spend time with me… I didn’t feel any more affection than that.

I was silent.

Teacher Im put down the glass and poured wine in front of me, who was sitting blankly. Then he worried about me, asking if I had any concerns. His words collided with the air and bounced off. His caring voice didn’t reach me in any way.

I couldn’t feel even a small amount of affection, let alone excitement, for him. He was a man I once wanted. To be honest, I even wished he was my Father or Hyung. He was someone I kept by my side, hoping he would become family and cherish me as much as he cherished my work.

I looked at Teacher Im like a senseless ghost. I looked down at his hand touching the back of my hand, and stared at his caring eyes that reflected me with concern.

And I admitted it. That my affection for Teacher Im had disappeared as if it had been castrated.

Suddenly,

‘Was Tae-rim-ssi like this?’

Sadness struck.

‘When he was with me, when I held his hand, when I begged him to like me… when he saw me like that… was Tae-rim-ssi’s heart like this? Was it this empty and numb? Did he feel so indifferent that he felt sorry? Like… looking at an object…? Was that why it was so terrible?’

Countless questions stabbed at my heart. I couldn’t block the blades that rushed in, taking advantage of my carelessness. The spear was in my hand, and self-torture was one of the things I did best.

Even so, I smiled. I held Teacher Im’s hand, forced the corners of my lips up, and smiled.

“It’s nothing. I’m sleepy because I stayed up all night…”

As I yawned and shrugged, my heart was torn and torn and torn again. Until it was divided into very small pieces and became a powder that could no longer be torn, the new realization became a knife and cut me in half.

In front of the man Cheon Tae-rim, I was always slow. Just when I thought I had caught up with him, he was ten steps away, and when I thought I had chased him again, he was twenty steps away. I chased after his back for six years. And yet I was ignorant.

I couldn’t even guess how he felt when he found out I was marrying a Beta… I finally understood that miserable feeling.

In my head, I knelt before the thirty-four-year-old Cheon Tae-rim. I prostrated myself in front of his black mourning clothes, his face desolate and tearful.

‘I’m sorry.’

I’m sorry for forcing you to live with Kang Hae-ah, who has no feelings, no lust, and no affection. It must have felt like living with a wooden doll, and it must have been suffocating to be forced to live together. I didn’t know because I was a Beta, I’m sorry….

‘What wooden doll.’

As I poured the wine in the glass into my mouth, I rubbed away the tears with my thumb.

‘It must be a cursed doll…’

The bitter taste of the wine made my mouth bitter.

At this point, I was curious about how bad I could get. So I wondered if some being, whether it was a god or something, was watching to see how much worse and more damaged this Kang Hae-ah could get.

I emptied a bottle of wine, facing Teacher Im without any sign that the remnants of affection had disappeared. I talked about my work and laughed as if I was excited about trivial jokes. I listened to gossip and news about various writers and pretended to be amazed and amused.

And,

“Do you want to sleep here?”

I forcibly held onto Teacher Im, who was about to leave.

“I haven’t been able to sleep lately. I haven’t adjusted to the house yet.”

It wasn’t that I hadn’t adjusted, it was a house I had lived in for over six years.

I even joked, holding his hand, “I won’t eat you.” I even forced him to sleep in the guest room. It was something that a twenty-six-year-old could do. Kang Hae-ah in her twenties was such a lively and willful person.

And I was an old monster imitating myself in those days.

“Yes? Teacher Im.”

I pulled Teacher Im’s hand, which I was holding tightly, up to my chin. He accepted me, who was clinging to him as if I was drunk. He laughed as if he was dumbfounded, then observed my face for a few seconds without saying anything.

“Okay.”

Then he said slowly.

“I’ll sleep here.”

I slowly followed him as he stood up, saying he would show me how great the guest room was. I was burdened with more guilt than gratitude.

I didn’t even need to pretend to be drunk, because my face was red with embarrassment. In my mind, I was sitting alone in a hearing room where no one was questioning me, and I was rambling.

If I had a proper friend, I wouldn’t have let someone I had briefly dated sleep in my newlywed home. If I had to make an excuse, that was it, it didn’t matter if it was Im Geon or anyone else.

In the first place, if I had been in my right mind, I wouldn’t have needed to call anyone home. If I hadn’t smeared tears or blood all over this house.

At the very least, if there had been any warning, I might have endured it, telling myself to just hold on until morning, and then someone would come to your house.

What woke me up in the morning was the sound of footsteps going down the stairs. As soon as I opened my eyes in the wide bed,

‘Tae-rim-ssi must be going to work.’

I was mistaken.

I hurriedly ran out of the master bedroom to greet him. I was about to chase after Tae-rim-ssi with my hair in a mess, but I woke up a step late. It was the moment I found Teacher Im standing awkwardly in the middle of the stairs.

‘Ah, right…’

As soon as I saw Teacher Im, who seemed to have only washed his face roughly, a hangover and regret hit my head. I also remembered pushing him into the guest room and giving him ridiculous orders like, “Make sure you sleep here,” and “Don’t go anywhere until morning.”

“Are you leaving?”

I asked, and

“Yes.”

Teacher Im replied with a disheveled face. He quietly adjusted the glasses that were crookedly perched on the bridge of his nose. As he went down the stairs one step at a time, I also felt the awkward and ambiguous atmosphere.

“I’m sorry. …I was too drunk yesterday and made things difficult for you.”

I apologized. I thought he would wave his hand and say no, but unexpectedly, Teacher Im was silent. However, he gave a faint smile and carefully examined my expression.

“Writer.”

And he said.

“I think it’s time to stop meeting like this in the early morning. You’re married now…. I was too excited to see your new work yesterday, and this is embarrassing…”

“Ah, no… I didn’t mean to make things difficult for you. I was too, um… not myself yesterday.”

I shook my head vigorously. It wasn’t the first time I had been so embarrassed in front of Teacher Im. He had always been interested in me and more kind than necessary, but whenever I tried to take a step closer, he would quickly draw a line.

When I was young and naive, I thought it was push and pull… but now, at thirty-two, in my right mind, Teacher Im seems like someone who has to follow a set of instructions.

I looked down at Teacher Im with my hands behind my back. He stood blankly at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at me, who was six or seven steps above.

“Hae-ah.”

Then he called me, just like he did last winter. I was embarrassed by his affectionate voice. My body froze in a moment of bewilderment.

“Maybe I can be with you again…”

And then there was silence. My half-awake head was spinning, trying to guess what his intention was in slurring his words, which was unlike him.

‘…Huh?’

The thoughts in my head floated up at the unexpected utterance.

‘Again, what…’

The lingering doubts soon collapsed.

“Ah, no!”

As soon as I realized what he was talking about, which was too embarrassing to say, I shouted loudly. I let go of my hands behind my back and waved them around in the air.

“I have no intention of seeing you again, Teacher Im. I know it’s something… that could be misunderstood, but yesterday was just, not that kind of meaning. I’ve had my awakening now, and I’m married, and I’m focusing on Tae-rim-ssi. Teacher Im and I, we…”

I took a quick breath at the end of my sentence.

“We don’t exist anymore.”

And I asserted.

When he called me ‘Hae-ah’ with a worried face, asking ‘maybe,’ it was clear that what Teacher Im wanted to hear was my clear statement. That’s what I was sure of.

But his reaction was a little strange. He stared at me for a long time with his eyes wide open, then wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. Then he made meaningless sounds like, ‘Euum.’ He looked like he had been greatly embarrassed.

“Then… Writer.”

He smiled only with his lips and changed his title.

“Let’s see each other again next time.”

“Ah, yes…”

Teacher Im left with a disheveled face. I followed him to the car, which was parked awkwardly outside the garage.

I watched him from behind as his car slowly pulled away. I felt like I had to, for Teacher Im, who had never pointed out my rude behavior. And I was sorry, because even in the midst of all this, I was only thinking about Cheon Tae-rim-ssi.

‘He said ‘Hae-ah’… I felt so good when Tae-rim-ssi called me that. I was so happy that I was embarrassed…’

I wanted to hear that voice right away. I was thirsty for him to touch me and hug me while calling my name affectionately. Even when I took a long breath in frustration, my shrunken lungs wrinkled and my throat became parched.

The hole in me seemed to have grown bigger. Now, even the slightest breeze felt painfully like it was digging into my organs.

As soon as Teacher Im left, I came back again, becoming the thirty-two-year-old Kang Hae-ah whose expiration date had passed and was completely spoiled.

“……”

It was a little later that I found Si Eun-cheol-ssi standing in front of the white sedan, looking at me. My reaction was slow and he was quick. Like someone who had been waiting for me to find him, he came at me in one breath with wide strides.

Even when I saw Si Eun-cheol walking into the garage, I didn’t recognize his angry expression.

“Tae-rim asked me to come. I don’t have Hae-ah-ssi’s contact information, otherwise I would have sent you a text message.”

Suddenly, Si Eun-cheol-ssi reached out. The paper bag in his big hand hit my chest with a sound.

“Then you would have replied that you didn’t need me to come.”

With a bewildered face, I looked down into the bag. It was neatly filled with various medicine bottles and small boxes. I now recognized the appearance of Omega suppressant or stabilizer packages.

“Oh… hello.”

I greeted him. I had nothing else to say. What could I say to someone who came to me in the morning and got angry right away?

Then Si Eun-cheol put down the paper bag. It was almost like he was throwing it. The bag fell to the floor with a thud, and the round medicine bottles rolled out.

“Kang Hae-ah-ssi.”

Si Eun-cheol called me in a stiff voice.

“The Dominant and recessive of Omegas are as different as heaven and earth. It’s on a different level than genetic traits like having double eyelids or not.”

I only blinked my eyes at the pouring sermon. I had seen Si Eun-cheol sneering at me, but it was the first time in my past life that I had seen him so angry with such a wounded pride.

‘Wow.’

My impression of him was pure.

‘He was someone who could make such an expression.’

That was all.

“I don’t budge at the scent of Alpha or anything. I don’t suddenly go into heat like an animal, and I’m not a deficient guy who can’t stand it unless I mate with an Alpha. But Kang Hae-ah-ssi is, right?”

Si Eun-cheol poured out words to me like a machine gun firing.

“Oh… yes?”

I only blinked my eyes in a daze. Other than that, I didn’t have a proper reaction to show right away.

“You’ve lived your whole life doing whatever you want in a chaebol family, and now you’re an Omega, flaunting your trait and claiming Tae-rim as your own. What’s so confident about being recessive?”

“Why are you angry?”

“What do you think Tae-rim will think if he finds out you called another Alpha to sleep with you as soon as he left? You got married by pushing your family, what is this?”

“No, wait a minute. Si Eun-cheol-ssi…”

Several words swirled in my mouth. First of all, Teacher Im was a Beta, not an Alpha. Secondly, I didn’t sleep with him, we slept in separate rooms. Finally, there was no ambiguous atmosphere between us at all, and rather, we confirmed that we had no feelings for each other.

I opened my mouth to tell him that, clearly.

“……”

Then I closed it again.

Any defense would only become an excuse the moment it left my mouth. I had experienced the same frustration several times, and I knew how deep the despair was when no one believed me, no matter how hard I tried to defend myself. It was better to give up any hope that anyone in the world would believe me, when even my own family turned away from me.

I didn’t have the strength to shout for someone to look at me anymore. Even if I begged until my throat burst, I wouldn’t be understood—the story of how I felt like I was going to die being alone in that house. …Like I was going to kill, me, myself. Who would understand even if I said that?

Standing blankly in front of Si Eun-cheol, I felt like I had become a picture without captions. Stripped of the shabby explanatory text, I was just ‘Kang Hae-ah’, a portrait of a selfish and willful man.

“…Ah.”

Suddenly, that thought occurred to me.

“Si Eun-cheol-ssi envies me.”

Everyone is unable to see themselves from a distance. Especially someone with strong self-love like Si Eun-cheol. He thinks he is a very strong person, but in my eyes, he wasn’t.

“You’re actually jealous of me. There was a reason you hated me…, right?”

Si Eun-cheol stared at me with hardened eyes, at me, a recessive Omega, carelessly spouting such words. I stared back at his eyes, which were glaring at me without rebuttal.

“…I, on the other hand, am so envious of Si Eun-cheol-ssi.”

And I murmured quietly.

“We only envy each other.”

Bending down, I picked up a rolling medicine bottle from the floor. The suppressant, labeled Recessive Omega Only, was so potent that drug-addicted Betas would take it as a substitute for narcotics or hallucinogens. I was a recessive Omega who needed to take such medication regularly to function in society.

“I didn’t stick by Tae-rim’s side just to take care of you.”

It seemed that coming to take care of Kang Hae-ah’s medicine was quite humiliating for Si Eun-cheol.

“Then tell Tae-rim-ssi. Tell him not to send you on errands, and that you actually like him….”

I blankly retorted, and

“I don’t like him!”

Si Eun-cheol suddenly shouted. I was startled by his loud, angry voice. His gaze and mine collided silently.

Soon, he was silent. He must have known, there were words he had said to me and expressions he had shown, there was no way he wouldn’t know that there was no sentence more unfitting for him than ‘I don’t like Cheon Tae-rim’. If Si Eun-cheol didn’t like Cheon Tae-rim, then I was pigeon poop.

Sure enough, I could see Si Eun-cheol’s ears gradually turning red. His round ears turned as red as strawberry candy, and his broad shoulders trembled noticeably even through his clothes.

‘Eun-cheol-ssi was really… romantic and cute.’

Blinking, I watched him. Seen through the eyes of a thirty-year-old, the twenty-eight-year-old Si Eun-cheol, unable to let go of Cheon Tae-rim, was cute.

Seeing his face flushed, whether from anger or embarrassment, I thought that I was the villain instead. I wondered how upset he must have been because I had stolen his friend, whom he had liked all along. Moreover, I had even kissed him on the garden party to shut him up.

‘Si Eun-cheol-ssi did hurl abuse first, though….’

Glancing up, I met his eyes, and Si Eun-cheol abruptly turned his head away. His reaction, as if he were sulking, softened my heart endlessly.

“I’m sorry about the kiss the other day. I’m just, like that.”

So I apologized.

“It might not be comforting, but your lips felt good, Eun-cheol-ssi.”

Then Si Eun-cheol’s hand flew at me. I flinched, thinking he was going to hit me hard, but he pushed my shoulder back instead of my cheek. Even that was a touch that had lost its strength just before it landed. There was a thud, but it didn’t hurt.

Feeling a moment of tension, I felt the flesh under my eyes twitch.

“…….”

Staggering back a couple of steps, I felt embarrassed. I was amused that I couldn’t bear that short moment and had squeezed my eyes shut.

I started laughing like an idiot.

“I don’t really know why you hate me so much….”

My laughing voice sounded abnormal even to my own ears.

“Just do whatever you want to do, Eun-cheol-ssi. I told you before. I don’t care…. Sweeping away the flies around Tae-rim-ssi, that, just keep doing it.”

Try sweeping a thousand times, and see if I fall off.

Kang Hae-ah was no ordinary fly. He was a very persistent blowfly who, even after experiencing that quagmire, liked Cheon Tae-rim and stuck to his life a second time. Even if I had another chance, I would make the same choice. I would die next to Cheon Tae-rim even if I died, and I would be by his side if I could.

It would be a good thing for me if Si Eun-cheol swept away all the Omegas around him. I just needed to live next to Tae-rim-ssi, rubbing my hands together without any competitors threatening me, and be able to sleep in the same bed with him…, that was all I wanted.

Could there be another fly as simple and kind as me?

“Ha….”

After looking down on me with disgust for a moment, Si Eun-cheol left the garage, shaking his head. I watched his retreating figure as he walked away without a word of greeting.

“Hey, Si Eun-cheol-ssi.”

And I started chasing after him. It was because a belated sense of dread washed over me. Once he disappeared, there would be no one in the house again.

“Hey… if you’re not going to work yet, do you want to stay here for a bit?”

Si Eun-cheol turned around abruptly as I shouted and chased after him. He had an incredibly angry face.

“What?”

He asked back, and

“Just stay until I call someone. Okay?”

I grabbed his left forearm with both hands. I hurriedly shouted that you shouldn’t go to work on an empty stomach, thank you for coming all the way here but don’t just leave, at least have breakfast before you go.

“No, seriously, what is this…. Isn’t this guy completely crazy?”

As I tried to pull him out of the driver’s seat, I ended up getting hit by Si Eun-cheol. My jaw was hit by the arm he shook off, and I fell onto the street.

“Ugh.”

My weakened legs flowed down the slope.

Si Eun-cheol looked down at me, who had fallen alone, for a moment. He frowned, opened his mouth as if to say something, and then slammed the car door shut. I had to move my outstretched foot to avoid being hit by the moving car.

Si Eun-cheol disappeared with his white sedan. It was an exit as flamboyant as his entrance. Thanks to that, the distance he disappeared into felt twice as quiet as usual.

Sitting on the street, I was dazed for a moment. At that moment, I couldn’t tell who I was. Teacher Im, who caressed the back of my hand with drunken eyes, was Teacher Im, and Si Eun-cheol, who was clear about his likes and dislikes and always full of energy, was also Si Eun-cheol.

‘But what about me?’

I am tossed around and tormented by them, and when I am left alone, I am tormented again by the emptiness of time, who am I….

The large house was looking at its empty owner. The two large windows on the second floor felt like pitying eyes.

“…….”

I got up from my seat and quietly dusted off my butt. My ears flushed with belated shame.

‘It’s okay.’

I should contact Ok-hye-ssi to ask when I can go to work. I could send Driver Oh on an errand… there were many people I could call. I could call the personal shopper again, or call any restaurant chef and ask them to cook, or text gallery owners and ask them to have coffee.

‘It’s okay….’

Is today Sunday, or Monday….

‘…It’s okay, so.’

Staggering, I walked into the large house.

I saw Cheon Tae-rim. His black eyes, staying high due to his tall height, his stiff jaw and straight neck, his broad shoulders and chest that felt so swollen that it felt gigantic… it was Cheon Tae-rim. Cheon Tae-rim was standing in front of my studio door.

‘I’m even seeing hallucinations now….’

Blankly looking at him, I turned my head back to the canvas. I rubbed the oil on the tip of the brush on a rag a couple of times.

And I turned around again. Tae-rim-ssi, standing in the doorway, was still visible.

“Uh….”

He was only holding a flat briefcase in his hand as he stood there blankly. He was wearing a navy blue shirt and dress pants with a square buckle, and he wasn’t wearing a separate coat. The sleeves of his shirt were crumpled and rolled up.

He seemed to have come out in a hurry, and as a result, he seemed very tired.

“…….”

Tae-rim-ssi’s expression changed from moment to moment as I stared at the figure that I couldn’t tell whether it was real or fake. He glared at me like a very angry person, and then his expression crumbled as he looked at the canvas spread out in front of my knees.

Tae-rim-ssi didn’t say anything to me. With a strange expression that I had never seen before, he quietly approached, took the dirty brush in my hand, and put it down.

And he looked at the painting. I also shifted my gaze to the canvas, following him.

Cheon Tae-rim was in the 50-size square canvas, which I had trimmed with the tip of my brush whenever my head was cluttered and sad. After establishing myself as an abstract painter and my paintings became more expensive, I didn’t even draw figures, let alone draw realistic paintings, but Tae-rim-ssi was different. I wanted to draw his face, so I drew it.

The blue waves and colorful roofs I saw in Cinque Terre supported the background like a rug pattern, and I drew Tae-rim-ssi looking at me with reddened ears… Cheon Tae-rim didn’t say anything while looking at his face beyond the canvas.

It must be fake after all.

‘I must be crazy and seeing illusions…, that’s good.’

I thought that. If it’s a fake in my head, it won’t disappear, so I’ll be able to sleep soundly tonight… Thinking that, I laughed.

Tae-rim-ssi’s hand touched my cheek as I laughed in vain. My hallucination was more than timely, it was even kind. Smiling like an idiot, I leaned my cheek against his palm. The temperature was hot like someone who had run, and the calluses were hardened like a fighter, so the texture was hard.

That sensation pulled me into reality. A hazy sadness and a concrete sense of presence were mixed together.

“Uh…, Tae-rim-ssi?”

Flustered, I touched his hand. The bone that rose like a hill at the tip of his finger, his solid wrist, I groped his arm and shoulder. The fact that Tae-rim-ssi was here next to me felt so fake, but the sensations he gave were vivid reality.

‘Is this, real? Did Tae-rim-ssi really come home? There’s still a long time left until his business trip ends….’

My head became confused and complicated, and

“Don’t leave me alone.”

Before my thoughts could be organized, my tongue moved on its own.

“Please, okay? I’m begging you. I can’t be alone. I’ve been alone all along, I’ve been okay all along, but I guess that’s not true. I must have been holding it in all along. I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand it for even a minute….”

More and faster stories than I had spoken in the past week leaked out from between my teeth. The voice, mumbling like a prayer, echoed back to my ears.

“Please stay with me. Please don’t leave me, just stay by my side. It’s okay if you hit me, it’s okay if you curse me, it’s okay if you hate me.”

Clutching Tae-rim-ssi’s right hand like a lifeline, I kissed his palm as I pleased. As I wiped away the wetness on his palm with my lips, I realized that the salty taste was my tears.

“Don’t leave me. Just kill me rather than leave me….”

The words I spat out like rice grains fell on my shoulders like luggage. I took a couple of long, painful breaths as they were.

Then,

‘Tae-rim-ssi’s scent….’

The bitter scent I had been craving filled my throat.

“Tae-rim-ssi.”

Lifting my head abruptly, I widened my eyes. My vision was blurred because of the tears, so I had to squeeze my eyes shut to shake off the tears.

“Tae-rim-ssi…. Is this real?”

My heart was pounding.

With a hand that was as cold as ice, I caressed Cheon Tae-rim’s shirt collar. Soon, I grabbed his collar and pulled him with force. As I was pulled into his arms, I tried to get him as close to my body as possible.

“Please hug me.”

Then tears burst out. I felt a tingling sensation as heat rose in my pale, cold body.

I tried to suppress the rising tears once,

“…….”

Twice,

“…….”

But when the third tear welled up, I couldn’t hold it back because I was suffocating. Shedding tears and snot, I began to cry sadly. A ridiculous sound, ‘Hwaaah’, came out of my open mouth.

Crying and sobbing, I wrapped my arms around his neck. And I clung to him.

“Puppy….”

I could feel my face contorting in all sorts of ways. I had never cried so sadly, even when I was very young. I had never cried so loudly, making sounds out loud.

“Hwaaah, sob, hic, puppy…. What should I do? Sob, he must not have wanted to be alone either… he must have been worried about me because of me. He kept scratching, asking me to open the door. He was whimpering….”

My head was July, and then it was December again. In December, when unprecedented heavy snowfalls were causing news of deaths to flow out one after another, and the grass in the garden was all dead, there was a palpable lump under my chest, and a white dog was pacing around the hallway of the house with muddy feet.

“Why did I do that?”

Screaming, I cried. The fact that I had brazenly forgotten struck my chest. When I poured plenty of feed into the bowl and went into the detached building, I now remembered that the dog didn’t eat the food and followed me closely.

I could see myself in the kind eyes of the guy who was breathing anxiously, making tapping sounds with his paws.

“What should I do, sob… I regret it so much. I’m so sorry…. I… I left him behind…. Sob, hic… I lost him, I knew I would never see him again. No. Actually, I didn’t know. I was too out of it… I couldn’t think of anything. Hic….”

I had pushed away the guy who was wriggling through the gap in the door of the detached building, whimpering that he wanted to come in with me. Why are you doing this, Hyung is tired…, I made such excuses and didn’t even say goodbye.

“What should I do, Tae-rim-ssi! I lost the dog….”

At the end of my sorrow, my face was covered in tears and snot. I cried my heart out, messing up Tae-rim-ssi’s shirt shoulder indiscriminately.

“What should I do….”

His hand was silent. He was just quietly hugging my back and holding me tightly. My body, which had been floating in the air, settled in his arms.

Making a ‘kheuhng’ sound, I tried to stop the flowing snot.

“Tae-rim-ssi.”

And I asked.

“Was it suffocating to live with me?”

Then Cheon Tae-rim tried to pull away. I hugged the man’s waist, who was trying to check my face, tightly with both arms. I buried my face in his shoulder and shook my head indiscriminately. I shouldn’t check my face, because you’ll see the thirty-two-year-old Kang Hae-ah instead of the twenty-six-year-old… the dead Kang Hae-ah with yellow cheeks and purple eyes.

“If I were a Beta… Tae-rim-ssi… was living with me, that kind of feeling? Was I, like… like an object… sob, even if you tried to like me… you wouldn’t get excited, like living with a statue… was it like that?”

His hand gripped my shoulder tightly as I rambled.

“I don’t feel anything, Tae-rim-ssi. Because you’re not here, I tried to meet other people… I tried to be with anyone, but I don’t feel anything….”

“Hae-ah.”

Finally, he spoke. As soon as I heard his firm voice, the strength left my body. Thanks to that, he succeeded in pulling me away.

I imagined the cold face looking down at the unsightly me. I guessed that I would see a cold expression that found an adult man crying like a child disgusting.

But Tae-rim-ssi wasn’t looking down on me. He wasn’t glaring at me, hating me, or hating me.

“Tae-rim-ssi…, why are you crying?”

Just like me, he was crying with his forehead reddened.

“I’m sorry.”

He shouted abruptly with a wet voice.

“I shouldn’t have left you behind…. I didn’t know, you….”

I hiccuped at the sudden words that dug into my heart. I cringed my shoulders with a ‘hic’ sound. Hic, hic… Tears fell unsightly along with the sound of my throat being scratched.

Tae-rim-ssi’s hand wrapped around my shoulder.

“It’s all my fault.”

Cheon Tae-rim blamed himself.

“To leave you alone….”

Soon, he hugged me. I buried my face in his shoulder and clung to him like a cicada. It was strange… the words that the twenty-eight-year-old Cheon Tae-rim was saying felt like words being said to the thirty-two-year-old Kang Hae-ah. Falling into delusion, I ended up being comforted.

It didn’t matter why Tae-rim-ssi was blaming himself. It only mattered that he was by my side, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tightly.

Soon, my feet were lifted into the air. He had lifted me up in his arms. Like a child, I clung to him, forgetting my weight.

“Hae-ah.”

“Yes…, Tae-rim-ssi.”

Pressing my tear-stained cheek against his, I let out a long breath through my nose. Taking one step, two steps, Tae-rim-ssi, who was holding me, began to move.

Leaving the studio, he sat his body down on the living room sofa. I ended up sitting on his lap.

“Hae-ah….”

His hand, stroking my back for a long time, was warm.

“Yeah….”

Pressing my temple against Tae-rim-ssi’s arm, I was exhausted.

Slowly, he laid his body back. I lay down as if climbing on top of him. Only after my hiccups finally stopped did I feel my hardened heart beating. I felt hungry belatedly. Vitality returned to my limbs that had been stiffly rotting like a corpse.

“If you were imprinted, you should have said so.”

He said.

When I lifted my face, which had been leaning against his chest, Tae-rim-ssi’s hand cupped my cheek. He wiped away my tears with his thumb. Like a car wiper on a rainy day, he wiped away the tears each time they welled up and fell.

“How did you know… no… but the business trip… you had to go.”

I alternately looked into his eyes, which had stopped tearing up. I was still dazed that Tae-rim-ssi had returned home… it didn’t feel real at all. It felt like a miracle from a movie, that in the moment I was struggling, crying, and thinking of death, he was thinking of me too.

“If I had known you were imprinted, I wouldn’t have gone.”

“Why?”

“Can’t you tell even after seeing your condition?”

“My condition… why?”

When I blinked, more tears fell. Tae-rim-ssi’s fingertip again rubbed under my eyes. His hand was soaked, so it couldn’t function as a handkerchief. Still, I felt much more comfortable than crying alone.

Lying with my stomach against Tae-rim-ssi’s stomach, I released all the strength in my neck. Then my meager cheek fat was pressed firmly in his big hands. Using Cheon Tae-rim’s hand as a chin rest, I turned over my dazed thoughts.

And I said.

“Is this happening because I’m imprinted on Tae-rim-ssi? Not because I’m crazy?”

“Why on earth did you think it was because you were crazy?”

“……”

I almost said it was because I was crazy to begin with, but instead, I just licked my lips.

“I should have noticed sooner….”

‘Hah…,’ he sighed deeply. A pleasant body scent seemed to permeate my skin. ‘I’m sorry,’ a kind apology followed repeatedly.

Only then did I notice Tae-rim-ssi’s change. He was treating me so kindly.

“Don’t speak informally.”

I pushed away his hand that was holding my cheek. Despite my resistance, Tae-rim-ssi’s hand didn’t budge.

“Why.”

It was unfair to cup my cheek with that big hand. With my head trapped in his hands, it was difficult to say bad things.

“It feels like we’re close, if you speak informally….”

So I made a weak, mumbled excuse, and

“Do you even like me?”

Tae-rim-ssi cut me off.

“What… do you mean.”

“Do you even like me, Kang Hae-ah?”

Unable to answer a simple question, overwhelmed with sorrow, I squeezed my eyes shut. Tears leaked out from beyond my closed eyes. Sorrowful sobs flowed out through my nostrils.

“…Ugh, sniff….”

As I started crying again, Tae-rim-ssi’s hands became frantic. He let go of my face, which he had been forcibly holding, and then,

“Why are you crying.”

He patted my shoulder hastily.

“Don’t cry, okay? …Hae-ah.”

My tears remained on his chest, leaving two round water stains. I hadn’t shed tears even in the moment of death, and I couldn’t understand why I had become like this. I wanted only good things to happen to Tae-rim-ssi, I wanted to be a wonderful spouse who was helpful to him, but today I was a pathetic burden.

But I couldn’t help but cry. Lying in the midst of a past wish, how could I endure without tears?

That was the first wish I had when choosing this house. When I opened the front door and walked down the hallway, I wanted my husband’s arm to be listlessly placed on the back of this sofa, waiting for me. Sitting on the sofa, leaning back, comfortably raising his arm, he would be watching the news, using his cell phone, or reading a book, and then, when he heard the sound of me approaching,

‘You’re back?’

I wanted him to greet me casually. I wanted the greeting to become casual. I wanted it to be an everyday occurrence, so common that it was neither special nor memorable.

‘Yeah, I’m back.’

That was my wish once.

“Where did you lose it?”

Tae-rim-ssi asked me as I gritted my teeth and held back tears. Suppressing my panting breath, my answer was much later than his question.

“What?”

When I asked back,

“Puppy.”

The three letters that came out of Tae-rim-ssi’s mouth awakened my mind.

It felt like a light flashed and bounced in my head. I never thought I would see twenty-eight-year-old Cheon Tae-rim say ‘puppy.’ Because that white, innocent dog was a trace of thirty-two-year-old Kang Hae-ah.

“You said you lost it. Then we have to find it. When and where did you last see it?”

I was amazed that he seriously listened to my lament. On the other hand, it felt like I could hear the hallucination of the white dog’s claws scratching at the door, panting.

Complex emotions gathered and churned. Not knowing how to answer, I even sweated profusely.

Tae-rim-ssi’s hands quickly touched my cheeks and forehead. It seemed that my surprise was revealed in my complexion.

“We have to… take a boat.”

After a long period of deliberation, I opened my mouth.

“It’s a dog… on an island… I don’t know if it’s still there now.”

“On an island? How did you lose the dog?”

He asked, and

“It’s a bit complicated to explain.”

I lowered my head.

Tae-rim-ssi kept asking me questions, which I couldn’t help but be evasive about. I couldn’t give any answers to the important questions, such as when I raised the dog, how I met it, and who abandoned it. I absolutely didn’t want to tell him that it was a dog I would raise in five years and that I had left to die, but I didn’t want to lie either.

Inevitably, my lips were tightly sealed like a clam. Tae-rim-ssi’s hand gently grabbed my earlobe. With the gentle tug, I forced myself to lift my head and look at him.

“Then….”

He rolled his eyes like someone playing Twenty Questions. His black pupils slowly examined my two pupils. Even though I was as frustrating as a chrysalis, he showed patience. His taciturn lips slowly, slowly, opened and closed, as if to find a question I could answer.

“What island is it near?”

My eyes widened at the question I could at least answer. I even felt glad. I quickly told him the name of the island, Ulshido.

“At the harbor there… a small… the breed is a Jindo mix… it’s white.”

Despite my unfriendly confession, Tae-rim-ssi looked satisfied. He patted my back slowly with his left hand and picked up his cell phone. I blankly watched him tapping the screen with one hand, searching for something.

The light from the screen shone white on Tae-rim-ssi’s well-defined jawline. There were rare stubble marks on his jaw, which he always shaved neatly.

“You can drive there. Get dressed, if we leave now, we’ll arrive before sunrise.”

I was a bad listener, too busy admiring his face. The story he was telling was hard to digest.

“…Huh?”

I blinked and asked,

“Let’s go find it. Get up.”

Tae-rim-ssi’s hand lightly patted my butt.

“Huh?”

Flustered by the natural skinship, I scrambled off his body. Grabbing my dumbfounded hand, Tae-rim-ssi headed to the second floor. It was already the second time I was climbing the stairs holding his hand. As I counted the number of times, I was afraid that I would become accustomed to Cheon Tae-rim’s kindness. Even kindness that was nothing special to others was fatal to me. Especially Tae-rim-ssi’s kindness easily stripped off my armor and dug under my bare skin.

It had been like that before. Even though he was taciturn and didn’t talk much, Cheon Tae-rim was a kind person. It was like that at first… one day, when I gave my heart to that kindness, I had tumbled backwards down these stairs. He was as disappointed as I had expected, and I was as hurt as I had liked him.

To me, lost in delusions,

“Hae-ah.”

Tae-rim-ssi called out and woke me up. I quickly came to my senses and moved my foot, which had stopped on the stairs. I almost staggered in place and followed him. We passed through the hallway and arrived at the marital bedroom.

He stopped me in front of the couch. Then he started to take off my clothes. Surprised by the hand that lowered the zipper of my work clothes, I shrugged my shoulders, and

“You can’t go out like this.”

He even added a word.

Looking down, I saw that my whole body was covered in paint and oil stains. I thought I must have gone crazy to rub my body against Tae-rim-ssi’s shirt in this state. Tae-rim-ssi quickly took off my clothes, which I was standing in a daze.

I couldn’t even resist his active and quick movements. Soon I was standing in front of him in only my underwear.

A sound that was neither a groan nor a sigh escaped from his teeth.

“Why are you so skinny.”

I became embarrassed at the scolding tone. I couldn’t remember properly taking care of my meals since I was left alone in this big house. My stomach was sunken, and the muscles on my arms had faded like vestigial organs.

“Don’t look….”

In my panties, I huddled up, and taking advantage of the moment he turned his head, I sneaked into the dressing room. Tae-rim-ssi didn’t chase after me. However, he let me hear the sound of sliding the door shut behind my back. It was the sound of him entering his own dressing room.

Belatedly, I shouted ‘Huh.’ I belatedly took a few steps to try to stop him.

“Tae-rim, ssi….”

The lights in the wide-open dressing room turned on automatically. I could feel a long period of deliberation and silence in his back as he looked around the bright room. His coats, shower gowns, and shirts, etc., were scattered messily on the floor at his feet, and the many things I had bought were piled up in bags and boxes with labels attached.

Before he turned his head, I quickly went back into my dressing room. Then I closed the door.

‘Ugh! I should have cleaned up a bit….’

It was too late to regret it, even if I grabbed my head and regretted it. I strained my ears, wondering if I would hear him cursing me as a ‘pervert,’ but Tae-rim-ssi beyond the door was silent.

‘Should I say I didn’t touch it? He wouldn’t believe me even if I lied that a thief broke in….’

I sighed deeply and rummaged through the hanger. I grabbed comfortable pants and a round T-shirt and put them on as I could.

After hesitating for a long time, I went outside again. I thought I would be questioned about what had happened in the dressing room right away, but surprisingly, Tae-rim-ssi had a nonchalant face. He only looked at his cell phone screen and didn’t ask me any questions.

I looked up and down at Tae-rim-ssi, who had changed into comfortable sportswear.

“Are you really… going? At this time… are we going out together?”

Hesitantly, I picked up a hooded zip-up and asked.

“Then shouldn’t we go? You’re crying and looking for puppy, puppy.”

Tae-rim-ssi’s answer was light. Then he put the cell phone, which he had been typing something into for a while, into his back pocket. Then he went down the stairs.

Licking my dry lips with my tongue, I followed him.

Not once had I longed for the traces of thirty-two-year-old Kang Hae-ah. When I thought of myself in the past life, I felt like a failure who hadn’t accomplished anything properly, and I was just ashamed. The me of that time was Kang Hae-ah of the future who would never come, so I only focused on not meeting that version of myself… but Tae-rim-ssi was different.

“Get in.”

As he opened the passenger seat door and said that, he wouldn’t have known. How much his complete goodwill was shaking my world.

When the navigation said, ‘You have entered Ulshido,’ an alarm rang at 5 a.m. It was the result of kind Cheon Tae-rim listening to my nonsense, which I had babbled because I was briefly crazy and my head was turned by sadness.

Looking at the dark sea, I first thought that Tae-rim-ssi was too good for me. Unlike me, who was always twisted and tangled without anything easy, Cheon Tae-rim was intuitive. From his birth as a Dominant Alpha from an upright family to his life where only growth existed every year, but so was his temperament.

I could only sit down and cry and long for it, but he lightly spat out the words ‘Let’s go’ and drove for 3 hours to take me to the Ulshido beach. Then he started to slowly drive around the outskirts of the island, looking for the puppy.

It seemed like we drove around the island three times, with a bluish salt smell settling everywhere. We slowly drove and examined every place, from the gravelly beach and between the docked ships to the alleys of closed stores.

But the dog with gray fur, messily dirtied, was nowhere to be seen.

Stopping the endless driving, Tae-rim-ssi parked the car in the parking lot by the water. He even comforted me, saying that it hadn’t been lost for long, so it must be on the island. It was my fault that I had lied, ‘I lost it in the winter,’ to the question ‘When did you lose it.’

‘I don’t even know if it’s here now….’

With my arms crossed tightly, I opened the passenger seat door.

“Where are you going.”

Tae-rim-ssi grabbed me once, then let go as if he was embarrassed by his actions. I patted his hand, which was grabbing the passenger seat, once as if to soothe him.

“I’m just going to get some air.”

As I got out of the car, a cool breeze cooled my forehead. The texture of the gravel road in front of the beach tickled the soles of my feet. The feeling of the dawn air filling my lungs was unfamiliar.

Stumbling a few steps, I sat down with my butt against a low stone pillar embedded in the pier. I took a deep breath of the sea-smelling air and exhaled again.

‘What did the veterinarian say back then… Did he say he couldn’t tell if it was an old dog because its teeth were in bad condition? Then how old is puppy now? It might be very young, or before it was abandoned by its owner.’

It seemed very unlikely that I would meet the dog I would meet in 6 years in the same place, even if it was an island.

‘I can’t find it. There’s no way I can find it.’

Even after giving up, my legs didn’t move from where I was sitting. It was because I was too sorry to leave again. With my hands in the pockets of my hooded jacket, I lifted my head and saw the dark navy sea. The sun was slowly rising.

I had seen the sunrise many times, but this was the first time I had seen it like this, sitting next to a floating fishing boat in a small island village.

I heard footsteps approaching behind me. Even without looking back, I could now guess Tae-rim-ssi’s location just by his body scent.

“…Thank you for bringing me all the way here.”

I said while watching the waves. Then a soft blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I could see Tae-rim-ssi’s hand pulling the blanket up to my neck. His large hand had a wedding ring on his ring finger.

I carefully stroked the back of his hand.

Then a belated regret struck my heart with a thud.

‘Why did I do that?’

The mistakes of calling out various people because I didn’t want to be alone suddenly came to mind. Calling the department store shopper, bringing Teacher Im and having him sleep in the guest room, clinging to Si Eun-cheol-ssi and getting hit once, the dark history hit me one, two times in a row.

‘Was I really crazy? Why did I do that?’

The vanished depression felt like a ghost that had possessed my body.

My face flushed with belated regret and shame. Even though we were said to have no remaining feelings, I was bothered by the fact that I had called Teacher Im and had him sleep over. Sooner or later, Tae-rim-ssi would find out, whether through Si Eun-cheol-ssi, Driver Oh, or Ok-hye-ssi.

“Um… Tae-rim-ssi. I did something stupid.”

I slowly opened my mouth. I felt like I would get a reduced sentence if I confessed.

“Yesterday… no. The day before yesterday, I called Teacher Im and showed him my work, and I had him sleep in the guest room. Nothing happened, it’s just… it was very late and I couldn’t let a drunk person drive… I, I got a little weird….”

Imagining a face that was angry or even dumbfounded, I slowly lifted my head. But Tae-rim-ssi, who was touching my shoulder, had a nonchalant face. Without any emotion, he was only observing my expression.

I blinked at the unexpected reaction. A few drops of weak shame mixed into my stomach.

‘Who confesses that kind of thing, thinking anyone cares. There’s no way Tae-rim-ssi would think I would have an affair, given my status….’

Hot heat rose to both cheeks. I quickly tried to hide it by rubbing it with the back of my hand, but Tae-rim-ssi chuckled. It was a low, short laugh.

“Why do you think I came all the way to Seoul?”

A random question was given to me.

“Yes? Well….”

Somewhat flustered, I looked up at him, then turned my head away. I pretended to look at the sea and turned my head, and for a very brief moment, I wondered if Si Eun-cheol-ssi had already told the story of Teacher Im.

‘Nah.’

Would Tae-rim-ssi come to see me because of that? What would he do if he came, catch me in the act of having an affair and stop me? Thinking that, I felt somehow amused.

As I let out a hollow breath through my nose, the hand on my shoulder tightened. Wrapped in a blanket, I lowered my gaze to Tae-rim-ssi’s fingertips.

“It’s not your fault.”

Today, every word that came out of Cheon Tae-rim’s mouth felt sudden. Even the sentence I had yearned to hear for six years before taking the medicine and dying came so easily.

“If the difference in traits is severe, the aftereffects of One-sided Imprinting are also severe… I haven’t met many recessive Omegas, so I didn’t know. You probably didn’t know either, since it hasn’t been long since your awakening, so it’s not Hae-ah’s fault. It’s not strange.”

His fingertip tapped, tapped the hollow beneath my collarbone.

“The person who slept there with a clear mind is someone else…”

There was an inexplicable edge to Tae-rim-ssi’s words. I quickly raised my hand and grabbed his finger. I grabbed it tightly and pulled, and Tae-rim-ssi leaned down behind me. His head came down next to my cheek.

I kissed Tae-rim-ssi’s parted lips.

“…….”

He widened his eyes in surprise, then lowered them. The tips of our noses touched as my ragged breaths escaped. Our lips, which had parted slightly, clung together again.

I parted my lips and tasted the tongue that pushed into my mouth, lost in the moment. Kissing Cheon Tae-rim felt tearfully good. I wanted to be the only one who knew the soft sensation of his tongue for the rest of my life.

I focused on licking his tongue and swallowing the saliva that mixed in my mouth. Tae-rim-ssi’s eyes, which had been closed, opened as I deliberately slurped up the saliva. He grabbed my cheeks and quickly pulled me away.

I reached out, wanting to follow, but was stopped.

“…….”

He raised his hand to wipe his lips and was silent for a moment. My body was flushed, and I rubbed my butt on the seat for no reason. Sweat gathered in my fists hidden in the blanket.

“Hae-ah.”

Suddenly, Tae-rim-ssi opened his mouth.

“Did you imprint because of my trait? Or…”

I knew what the rest of the sentence was. Or, because you really like me… because you already liked me so much and we even had sex. So, is that why you imprinted so easily?

My excited heart began to shrink like a criminal.

“Don’t, don’t call me that.”

I quickly changed the subject.

“You were always so…, so polite, Tae-rim-ssi. You always used honorifics with me and only called me Hae-ah-ssi. Suddenly ‘Hae-ah’… don’t do that.”

I said it to create some distance because it was so shockingly good that I was flustered.

Then Tae-rim-ssi sighed deeply. His expression and the sound made him seem angry, so my head turned back to my toes.

“I don’t want to.”

But the answer that came back was like a bolt from the blue.

“Pardon?”

“I said I don’t want to.”

Tae-rim-ssi looked down at me with his hands on his hips. What, what is that expression? Cheon Tae-rim, whom I had lived with for six years, was looking at me with an expression I had never seen before. With a very displeased, stubborn face, the childish Cheon Tae-rim of his twenties…

“If you don’t like it, you use informal speech too.”

He poked at my cocoon with his words.

“Hae-ah.”

The sun had already risen above the sea. The crimson morning light pouring down on my face without a screen was blinding. At the first moment of watching the sunrise with Tae-rim-ssi, an unseemly sniffling sound came from my nose.

“…….”

“…Cold?”

“Ah, no. I’m not cold…”

My nose kept running for no reason. I wiped under my nose for no reason, and my fingers trembled.

As if he had never acted like a stubborn child, Tae-rim-ssi took care of me. He quickly pulled me up from the rock, wrapped the blanket more tightly around me, and took me to his car. With my pants dirty, I was moved back to the passenger seat.

“It’s okay. I’m okay…”

My hands were trembling not because I was anxious or in pain, but simply because I was tired. It seemed that coming to a familiar yet unfamiliar island without eating or sleeping had been too much. Embarrassed, I hid my hands under the blanket.

“Get some sleep for a while.”

Tae-rim-ssi said, touching the rearview mirror. Judging by the fact that he didn’t start the car, he didn’t seem to be planning to leave right away.

‘There’s no way I can sleep in a place like this.’

I leaned my head against the passenger seat, arguing only in my mind. I tried to close my eyes. I thought that if I pretended to be asleep, Tae-rim-ssi would be able to rest a little.

Then, quietly, Tae-rim-ssi’s arm covered my body. Soon, the passenger seat slowly reclined. The hand that pulled the blanket that had slipped down over my neck continued slowly.

‘I can’t sleep well outside, but…’

I thought as I felt my vision darken.

“Hae-ah, wake up.”

When I opened my eyes again, I heard my own snoring.

“Ugh….”

My eyelids were so swollen that I couldn’t open them properly, so my vision was blurry. I felt saliva flowing from the corner of my mouth, which was open from sleep.

“Hae-ah.”

Tae-rim-ssi, who was holding my shoulder, appeared blurry and then became clear. With a ‘gasp,’ I woke up in a flurry. I rubbed my chin with the back of my hand and swallowed the saliva in my mouth.

‘It wasn’t a dream…’

Looking around, I saw that I was still in Tae-rim-ssi’s car. However, the temperature outside the car window was quite different.

The dark dawn beach was nowhere to be seen, and only the sunlight was bright. The warm temperature of the sun indicated that it was almost noon.

“I, I… fell asleep.”

Tae-rim-ssi’s large hand tousled my hair as I confessed with a bewildered face. With a smiling face, he reached his arm to the back seat. Then he handed me a bag of bread with a brand mark that could be found anywhere in Korea.

“Let’s have some juice.”

Looking at it blankly, I saw a sandwich with a hamburg, a croissant, and bottles of water and juice of various kinds. As if my eyes were on my stomach, my stomach growled as soon as I saw the food. I felt even hungrier after waking up.

I took out the croissant wrapped in transparent plastic. I tore open the sticky plastic and put half of the bread in my mouth. Only when I crammed the whole bread into my cheek did the scenery outside the car window come into view.

There was no gravel road that I had seen before falling asleep, but a low mountain path like a hill, a building made of containers, and a narrow playground with green wire mesh.

I chewed on the bread that filled both cheeks and looked at the scenery. The sound of dogs barking was heard simultaneously.

“It’s Ulsido Abandoned Dog Shelter. I called and asked if they had a Jindo mix, and they said they only had twenty-two white dogs.”

Tae-rim-ssi said, opening the orange juice. I wondered if he used to drink fruit juice, but the opened juice bottle was placed in front of me.

For a few seconds, I looked at the rare drink bottle that Tae-rim-ssi had opened. When I just stared at it, he even added, ‘Drink.’ Only then did I pick up the orange juice and gulp it down.

The bread that was clumped in my mouth went down.

“…They have twenty-two?”

I belatedly asked back, and

“Yeah.”

Tae-rim-ssi touched my hair again.

“If you go, can you recognize it?”

“Yes…”

Bewildered, I raised my hand and felt that my left hair was sticking out like a bird’s nest. Embarrassment belatedly washed over me. Pressing down on my hair with both hands, I only looked out the window at nothing. I saw a green fence where black, yellow, and brown dogs were swarming around.

As soon as I got out of the car following Tae-rim-ssi, the smell of dog poop stung my nose. After rubbing the tip of my nose with my sleeve, I walked next to Tae-rim-ssi.

At that time, the soles of his sneakers that I looked down at were covered in dirt. There was also something dirty and black like ink on the front of his shoes.

After passing through the iron gate, an employee wearing an apron walked out.

“I’m the one who called an hour ago.”

Tae-rim-ssi greeted, and she nodded, saying ‘Ah.’ The facilities behind her looked very poor. Large and small dogs were swarming everywhere. While looking at the faces of the panting dogs, Tae-rim-ssi and I entered a small building.

“Just a moment.”

There were only two people in the shelter, whether they were employees or volunteers, and both of them were women and looked frantically busy. The woman, who looked younger than me, took off her gloves and re-tied her hair with a string that curled like a pig’s tail.

Then she pointed to the back door of the building.

“The Jindo mixes are over there, would you like to go out and see? The young ones are here.”

My gaze turned to the yellow cage in the direction of her pointing finger.

“…….”

As soon as I saw the swarm of white puppies gathered together, my feet moved on their own. The dogs, which were smaller than the puppy in my memory, were in cages with two in each.

“The mother dog gave birth to puppies here. They were born in the shelter, those kids.”

The employee added an explanation. It meant that the dog I was looking for was probably not there.

However, I found Mong-mongi.

“Ha….”

A small one entangled with its siblings in the third cage was waving its front paws. It was much younger and smaller than the image in my memory, but it was definitely Mong-mongi with the shape of the black spot on its pink nose and the stain that looked like a line drawn on its snout.

“…Mong-mong-ah.”

When I called in a small voice, the puppy blinked its gentle eyes. It stretched out its short legs and even stretched. When I checked the brown pattern on the pink paw pads, my heart fluttered with joy.

“Mong-mong-ah.”

I called again, lowering my head close to the cage. The puppy, whose ribs were thin but whose pink belly was plump, suddenly perked up its ears. Mong-mongi, who raised its head sharply, opened its mouth and made a panting sound. The puppy’s tail moved busily.

While trying to climb the cage, the little Mong-mongi fell over its sibling’s body. Surprised, I put my finger through the gap in the cage.

Mong-mongi began to lick the tip of my index finger in a flurry. The tip of my nose tingled and my eyes heated up.

Pointing at the puppy, I shouted.

“It’s him, the one I lost.”

Then the employee looked bewildered. Even Tae-rim-ssi, who was looking over the back door, looked flustered. Realizing this, I changed my words.

“That’s, well… he looks exactly like him, so I really feel like it’s him… that feeling is exactly the same.”

Heat rose to my earlobes. My heart was pounding and vibrating with urgency.

I had to take my poor Mong-mongi out of the dirty cage and take him home as soon as possible. I had to let him roll under his favorite tree and show him how warm the summer in our garden was. I had to wash him fluffy and feed him only delicious and healthy things, and this time, he had to live a healthy life with a warm guardian. I even thought that I would bite my tongue and die if I couldn’t do that.

“…I want to take him. Please take him out.”

I said, suppressing the sobs that choked my palate.

“Well…, in that case, usually after a temporary protection period….”

The sound of the shelter volunteer speaking hit my ears and fell.

You shouldn’t take him impulsively, puppies can change a lot as they grow up, they will cause accidents and their size will increase… All the words that were conveyed to discourage hasty adoption were the reasons why I had to take Mong-mongi.

Bending down, I looked inside the cage. Mong-mongi, who had been wandering around the pier with his gray fur and paw pads as hard as a turtle, was smiling with a young, soft, and fair face. The underdeveloped tail went up over his back and the pink nose was as small as a scab.

“Hello…, Hyung.”

The little one barks as if he recognizes me. He barks, ang, ang, and wags his tail.

‘What’s so good about me… What’s so good about the human who forgot you and left…’

The sound of the volunteer and Tae-rim-ssi talking swirled around my ears. The young volunteer was trying to discourage hasty adoption, and Tae-rim-ssi was starting to persuade her.

I couldn’t join their conversation. Looking at the kind-looking dog’s eyes, I felt like I was going to cry.

Pretending to look at the building window, I quickly wiped away my tears.

“Then you need a copy of your ID… We also need to take a picture of you. You also need to sign the adoption papers. There is a responsibility fee of 50,000 won, is that okay?”

While conveying the robot-like input, the employee briefly looked at Tae-rim-ssi and my appearance. Apparently, she didn’t recognize either Cheon Tae-rim or Kang Hae-ah. It was clear that she was uneasy because two strange men suddenly came and took a young puppy.

“50,000 won….”

Inside my arms in front of the cage, another employee took out a white dog and hugged it. Without struggling, the young Mong-mongi was docile. There was something like rosin stain hardened on his neck and his body temperature was hot.

The small dog that fit in one arm was light, warm, and young. Mong-mongi, who was back in my arms, seemed like a miracle to me, who had returned to the age of twenty-six.

The shelter employee took a picture of me holding the dog. My dazed face remained in her cell phone camera like that.

“Are you really okay with that dog?”

Tae-rim-ssi asked, looking alternately at me with red eyes and Mong-mongi in my arms.

“It’s not the dog you were looking for.”

Despite his misunderstanding, I just nodded. It was because there was no way to explain it.

Tae-rim-ssi didn’t stop my stubbornness twice. However, he looked at the dog in my arms with a somewhat frustrated face. Mong-mongi’s bright face was clearly reflected in his black eyes.

The employee called me and Tae-rim-ssi to the desk to fill out the adoption papers. There were two office chairs with wheels and blue plastic chairs, and I quickly sat on the plastic chair.

Tae-rim-ssi reluctantly sits down as I tap the chair with the sponge sticking out, which the dogs had gnawed on. It can’t be helped if he makes a dissatisfied expression, because the plastic chair will bend if he puts his big body on it.

Filling out the documents given by the volunteer was my job. When I was about to fill in the address and occupation after the simple personal information, her expression changed as she paid more attention to the young dog in my arms than to me.

“Then… um, Kang… Hae-ah-ssi.”

A slight confusion and a brief realization flashed in the eyes that scanned the returned documents.

Putting Mong-mongi on Tae-rim-ssi’s lap, I groped in my back pocket. It was fortunate that I had brought my wallet even though I was out of my mind.

When I took out all the checks in my wallet, there were five. Clicking the back of the ballpoint pen, I left my signature one by one on the back.

“This is the responsibility fee….”

I placed the checks signed one by one on the document with my name and the dog’s temporary name ‘Mong-mongi’ written on it.

“I’ll donate it.”

“Ah. Ah…, uh… yes?”

A short sigh was heard from behind my neck. When I raised my head and looked, Tae-rim-ssi was looking down at me with eyes as if he was looking at a troublemaker.

The white and young dog licked his chin. He was held in Tae-rim-ssi’s big hands like a lump of bread.

Tae-rim-ssi with Mong-mongi looked good together, just as I had imagined sometime in the past.

“Just a moment. You have to talk to the shelter director about this!”

Leaving behind the employee who was flustered and chasing after me with five 10 million won checks, Tae-rim-ssi and I left the shelter. It would have been nice if I had a blank check, but I was sorry that the only money I had was that.

‘I should sponsor them later. Then I can prevent the dogs here from wandering around the pier.’

Mong-mongi, whose muddy paws had become soft like me, who had returned to the age of twenty-six, wagged his tail. I hugged the precious puppy that I got for 5,000 won and got into the car.

Before getting on the bridge leading out of the island, Tae-rim-ssi stopped the car in an alley. He kindly informed me that it would be evening when we arrived in Seoul, so let’s eat something here.

Following him out of the car, there were rows of restaurants attached to each other in front of a small seaside port. However, half of the menus sold were unfamiliar to me.

When I only gave an ambiguous smile to the question of whether I had ever eaten Seonji Gukbap, Tae-rim-ssi let out a hollow laugh.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Then he moves his steps. I followed him, holding Mong-mongi, behind him as he walked with long strides. I was a little embarrassed that I didn’t even know what Seonji was. My face flushed as I thought I might look like a young master who didn’t know the ways of the world.

‘I can eat it if Tae-rim-ssi tells me to….’

Holding the puppy carefully, Hae-ah followed Cheon Tae-rim, arriving at a small restaurant with a sliding door plastered with various menus. The unevenly applied and peeling adhesive paper was discolored, so the Korean noodle soup was missing a consonant, and the kimchi stew was also misspelled.

The already small restaurant felt even tinier as Tae-rim-ssi slid open the door and entered, his large frame filling the space. There were two square tables on the cement floor and a low dining table on the linoleum floor inside.

The peeling chairs and sticky tables were very old, which made it seem like an extremely vintage hipster place.

“Um, we need to sit with the dog…”

Hae-ah stretched her neck toward the small kitchen and spoke.

“Uh-huh.”

The owner, wearing pink rubber gloves, responded vaguely. Unlike Hae-ah, who was flustered by the neither-an-answer-nor-an-exclamation, Tae-rim-ssi calmly sat at a table.

With the puppy on her lap, Hae-ah scanned the menu on the door again. While she was pondering, Tae-rim-ssi ordered Korean noodle soup, handmade noodle soup, kimchi stew, and a bowl of rice.

After waiting for about twenty minutes, the food came out. A yellow aluminum pot of kimchi stew, bubbling furiously, was placed directly on the table. The Korean noodle soup was covered in sesame powder, making the broth cloudy, and the handmade noodle soup seemed to be the same broth with torn noodles added.

The owner put down two bowls of rice and said,

“Eat a lot.”

Then she disappeared back into the kitchen.

Hae-ah looked around the table with a bewildered expression, and Tae-rim-ssi pushed the Korean noodle soup toward her. She picked up a spoon, feeling awkward. Something that looked like ginseng or red ginseng was engraved on the handle of the light spoon.

After stirring the broth, which had more sesame powder than water, a couple of times, she awkwardly took a bite.

“Cough.”

A snort of laughter escaped.

Hae-ah’s eyes widened, and she looked up to see Tae-rim-ssi laughing while holding his spoon. After making another ‘Pfft’ sound, he started laughing loudly. A rosy color flushed his firm face, and his neat lower teeth were revealed.

“Why are you so tense?”

Tae-rim-ssi said, his eyes glistening with tears.

“Someone who just spent 5,000 won.”

Then he wiped his cheek, exclaiming, “Ah, really.” Hae-ah stared blankly at his laughing face for a moment, then the laughter she had been holding back rose up within her as well.

As she laughed out loud, Tae-rim-ssi burst into laughter again. Silently, they just looked at each other and laughed for a long time. It was only when the puppy stretched its head toward the kimchi radish bowl that,

“Tsk, no!”

Hae-ah stopped laughing to scold him.

“Eat, quickly. It’ll be dinner when we get back to Seoul, so you need to fill your stomach.”

Tae-rim-ssi ladled stew into an empty bowl and handed it to her. The stew, containing pork and tiny shrimp, was placed in front of her. There was already a lot of Korean noodle soup, and she wondered how she could eat all of this.

Compared to Hae-ah, Tae-rim-ssi had a good appetite. Except for his herb allergy, he wasn’t picky about food. Since he was tall, he also ate a lot. He ate so quietly that she often didn’t notice, but when she paid attention, the side dishes would disappear evenly.

Looking back, a long time ago, when they were first married, he used to take digestive medicine every night. Hae-ah had never been interested in food and only nibbled on bread to avoid starving, but after marrying Tae-rim-ssi, her food intake had doubled. He ate so well that she ended up taking more spoonfuls as well.

The rice bowl in front of Tae-rim-ssi quickly emptied. Hae-ah quietly pushed the extra bowl of rice that had been served toward him.

“Tae-rim-ssi.”

Hae-ah said, taking a sip of the Korean noodle soup like him.

“Give the puppy a new name… Tae-rim-ssi, you name him.”

Then Tae-rim-ssi put down his spoon. Silently, he glared at the puppy sniffing at the steaming kimchi stew pot.

Anyone who saw him would have thought he was naming a country, not a dog. Was it really necessary to be so serious and solemn, to freeze without expression or words?

Finally,

“Do-jin.”

Tae-rim-ssi said.

“…Do-jin?”

“Because it’s a Jindo dog. Do-jin is Jindo backward.”

‘Ah,’ Hae-ah said and lowered her head. Then she ate the Korean noodle soup, which didn’t seem to be decreasing at all. Strangely, it seemed like there was more than she had eaten.

“…Not good, huh.”

Tae-rim-ssi said quietly. Hae-ah quickly shook her head, putting down her chopsticks.

“Ah, no, it’s good. It’s not that, it’s just that I was thinking of a more… cute, puppy-like name. Like Rice Cake or Sweet Roll…”

“…Those are food names.”

“Do-jin… Okay. It’s good, since Tae-rim-ssi named him.”

Tae-rim-ssi narrowed his brow as he poured water into a stainless steel cup. Fearing that he might even go to a naming center, Hae-ah repeatedly said, “It’s really good,” and shrugged her shoulders.

The water cup was pushed in front of her. After gulping down the cold water, she placed her hand on the head of the drooling puppy.

“Cheon Do-jin.”

Hae-ah said as if declaring it, and

“…Is that how the family tree works?”

Tae-rim-ssi chuckled.

“Do-jin-ah.”

Hae-ah called the puppy, no, Do-jin, that. But the puppy didn’t seem interested in his new name. He moved to the chair next to her and even lay down with his small body. He was probably sulking because they weren’t giving him food from the table.

“Cheon Do-jin? Look here. Huh? It’s your new name, Do-jin.”

As Hae-ah patted the small, thin back of the puppy,

“Stop that and eat your food.”

Tae-rim-ssi nagged. Hae-ah reluctantly took a spoonful of stew, but her attention quickly turned to the young dog.

“Puppy…”

Then the puppy perked up his ears. Still young, his ears, half-lying and half-standing, turned toward her.

“……”

Was it just her imagination that this little dog understood something? He didn’t react to other sounds, but when she said ‘Puppy,’ he perked up his ears and looked at her… But that couldn’t be, and it shouldn’t be.

Because then the puppy would be too pitiful and sad.

‘Then…’

Then she was scared and afraid that Tae-rim-ssi might also have memories of the past.

“Do-jin-ah.”

Once,

“Do-jin-ah. Cheon Do-jin.”

Twice, three times, Hae-ah repeatedly said the puppy’s name. She kept calling him ‘Do-jin,’ ‘Do-jin’ until he seemed annoyed and snorted, and finally, the young puppy looked at her.

“Do-jin-ah. Let’s go home and live happily together, the three of us.”

This time, I won’t leave you anywhere. Hyung is sorry… Hae-ah swallowed the rest of the words. Do-jin’s kind, pretty brown eyes slowly captured her, as if understanding all her feelings.

His appearance was so cute that she smiled. In that brief moment of pure joy, without any worries or concerns, Hae-ah looked up at Cheon Tae-rim.

He wasn’t smiling. His lips were tightly closed, and his dark eyes were fixed on her. Tae-rim-ssi was…

Hae-ah avoided his gaze. She had to make excuses. Let’s go now, I’m done eating… She said those words. She picked up Do-jin in her arms and ran out of the place even before her feet could move.

It was only after she had fled to the shoulder of the road where she had parked the car that she realized the car door was locked. After waiting for a few minutes, Tae-rim-ssi walked over.

‘Hae-ah.’

The voice that had comforted her last night, so long and deep, echoed in her ear.

Hae-ah didn’t say anything to Tae-rim-ssi. She only urged him with her actions, holding the passenger seat door handle. Tae-rim-ssi, who had been looking at her cheeks and ears for a few seconds, pressed the car key. Hae-ah quickly got into the open door.

The artificial voice of the automatically turned-on navigation system comforted her, but only for a moment. As if he had memorized the road, Tae-rim-ssi turned off the voice that was interfering between them.

Hae-ah glanced at his profile as he drove along the winding dirt road of the island. Then she leaned deeply into the back of the passenger seat. Light blurred in through the car window, repeatedly passing by, buried in shadows.

Soon, the rattling stopped, and only the blue sky could be seen. They had left the island and were on the road back to Seoul.

“Hae-ah.”

Hae-ah heard Tae-rim-ssi’s sigh from the passenger seat. Now, she was used to his voice saying, ‘Hae-ah’…

Hae-ah closed her eyes and tried not to look at Cheon Tae-rim’s face. She struggled not to read the emotions in his gaze that held her. She was afraid of his kindness. Because his kindness was trying to take her, who was hiding at the bottom of a tunnel, to a place that was too bright and high.

“I still don’t know what kind of person you are. I see you every day, but you seem like a different person every day.”

His voice was calm, and his pronunciation was excessively good, so

“The only thing that’s certain is that I just keep liking you more every time.”

It dug into her ears and into her heart.

“I like you.”

Cheon Tae-rim was that kind of man. A gambler who would deliberately open a gift that she was afraid to confirm and hadn’t even untied the ribbon on, and bring it to her.

Hae-ah didn’t open her eyes, pretending to be asleep. Because if she was caught awake, she would have to respond to his kindness, and she was a coward.

“…Okay. Keep pretending you can’t hear me.”

Tae-rim-ssi said to himself.

“If you take a nap, we’ll be home when you wake up.”

As if trying to cover up her heavy, heaving breaths, Do-jin yawned loudly.

To Be Continued In Vol 3