By Zephyria 
Kneeling before the toilet, he retched several times, emptying his stomach. The tips of his fingers gripping the white porcelain turned pale, and his hunched shoulders trembled incessantly.
The refluxing gastric acid viciously clawed at his throat. His bloodshot eyes grew misty with welling tears. The nausea made it hard to even breathe properly.
Once there was nothing left to vomit, Hui-won finally slumped to the floor. In that short time, lukewarm cold sweat had already soaked his entire back. His body felt utterly drained of strength, yet his chest heaved as if about to burst. Leaning his back against the partition, Hui-won wiped his sweat-drenched face.
Five weeks pregnant.
Against slim odds, a child had been conceived. A life had stubbornly taken root within his abnormal organ.
‘It’s still too early to hear the heartbeat. We can issue a confirmation certificate. Congratulations.’
It was a greater shock than when he had first been told he had presented as an Omega.
The reality that had befallen him was terrifying. Hui-won had lived 31 years as a Beta male and had never once imagined he would carry a child.
He had only been living as an Omega for barely over half a year. The only thing that had changed was his pheromones; his mindset hadn’t shifted much from his days as a Beta.
Perhaps that was why the shock hit him several times harder. The fact that there was a baby inside his belly was closer to terror than mere fear. How could people find joy in this? No matter how hard he tried to calm his mind, Hui-won couldn’t escape the panic.
I can’t possibly carry this. I can’t endure this.
Hui-won covered his face with trembling hands. Suppressed breaths escaped rapidly between his fingers. For someone else, this might be a blessing, but for him now, it felt like despair, slowly gnawing away at his body and mind.
***
Kwon Young-je appeared around 7 PM. It was an uncharacteristically early return home.
Hui-won, who had been lying on the sofa, slowly got up and went to greet him. Kwon Young-je, who had just stepped into the entryway, pulled Hui-won into a tight embrace without even a greeting.
They had only been apart for a few hours, but today the affection felt unusually strong. Hui-won also wrapped his arms around Kwon Young-je’s waist, albeit belatedly.
Even after a full day’s work, Kwon Young-je’s unwrinkled suit was filled with his unique scent. Even the strong force squeezing his waist felt welcome. Hiding his sinking mood, Hui-won accepted the shower of kisses raining down on his lips.
Only after thoroughly kissing him to his satisfaction did Kwon Young-je finally ask about Hui-won’s well-being.
“What did they say at the hospital?”
“Just… that it’s a stomach ulcer.”
“Has something been stressing you out?”
He gently smoothed Hui-won’s disheveled bangs for him. His intense gaze meticulously scanned Hui-won’s expression, complexion, and slightly swollen lips. Kwon Young-je asked with the same serious face he wore during work.
“Is it because of me?”
Hui-won let out a weak laugh. But contrary to his laughter, his insides were a mess. Fearing the perceptive Kwon Young-je might notice his mood, he quickly pulled Kwon Young-je’s head into an embrace, tucking it over his own shoulder.
“I’m hungry. Let’s eat, please.”
“Want to go out to eat?”
Hui-won shook his head vigorously. He quickly took Kwon Young-je’s hand and led him to the dressing room.
While Kwon Young-je changed clothes, Hui-won sat perched on the table, exchanging trivial conversation with him. Whether anything unusual happened at work today, if the afternoon meeting ended smoothly. He deliberately chose bland topics to act as nonchalantly as possible.
As Kwon Young-je was taking off his watch, he suddenly twisted his waist and stared intently at Hui-won’s face. Under that piercing gaze that seemed to see right through him, Hui-won froze, even stopping the leg he had been idly swinging.
“Is something wrong?”
“…No. Nothing.”
Before he knew it, Kwon Young-je had closed the distance. A large hand slowly caressed Hui-won’s stiffened cheek.
“Then why do you keep forcing a smile?”
“……”
What should he say? For a moment, his mind went blank, making it impossible to even muster a fake smile.
I’m carrying your child. The things happening inside my body are terrifying and frightening. Could he really tell Kwon Young-je this?
If he revealed the truth, Kwon Young-je would undoubtedly say he would take responsibility for the child. Even if he had no thoughts of marriage, he was a person with a strong sense of responsibility.
The real problem was that Hui-won himself had no confidence in giving birth to the child. He was certain he would fall into self-loathing throughout the pregnancy, and it was also unknown whether he could genuinely love the child he was carrying.
If he, the carrier, was drowning in despair rather than cherishing it, wouldn’t the being inside his belly naturally feed on his negative emotions? Tormenting imaginations wouldn’t cease.
“……”
Even now, wave-like emotions surged moment by moment. It felt like he might go mad. To the point where he didn’t know how he was maintaining his sanity.
He would get rid of the child. Hui-won had already made his final decision before Kwon Young-je arrived. Even if he faced reproach later, there was nothing he could do. It was that difficult a reality to accept.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Just… for not being able to focus on work.”
Hui-won quietly embraced the man standing before him. To hide the terrible thoughts he was having, he buried his forehead against Kwon Young-je’s shoulder. The secret he couldn’t even share with the person he’d made the mistake with lay upon him like a heavy stone, pressing down painfully on his solar plexus.
I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for deceiving you. But I really can’t do this. Please try to understand me.
Buried against the firm shoulder, he silently poured out the unspoken feelings in his heart. As if sensing them, Kwon Young-je slowly stroked Hui-won’s lower back.
“You’ve been taking tonics, so why do you seem even more listless? Is the medicine wrong?”
He made a rare joke, but Hui-won couldn’t laugh along. To hide his wretched feelings, he burrowed even deeper into Kwon Young-je’s embrace.
“I might keep spacing out at work.”
“Then you’ll get scolded.”
“It’s okay if you scold me. It’s my fault.”
“Just get better soon. Take your medicine properly.”
They were only just getting used to being in a relationship-like dynamic. These days, the warm concern shown only to him felt incredibly precious. Was it really necessary to ruin this hard-built relationship by revealing the truth? Even if Kwon Young-je found out, it would only disturb his heart.
He didn’t want to burden him with a sense of obligation using the pregnancy as an excuse. Since his decision wouldn’t change anyway, he could quietly end it alone. Hui-won arbitrarily concluded and tried to rationalize it to himself.
It felt like the only way he could survive.
***
On Saturday morning, he managed with difficulty to secure a hospital appointment. The OB-GYN clinic, which he was visiting for only the second time in his life, still felt awkward and burdensome. With his cap pulled low, Hui-won stared at the marble floor while listening to the doctor’s opinion. He felt like a sinner.
“Currently, the implantation is very unstable, so the risk of early miscarriage is high. The uterine lining is also much thinner than average. It’s best to avoid strenuous exercise and limit activity for a while until you enter a stable period.”
Most of the doctor’s words went in one ear and out the other, but the opinion about the high risk of miscarriage stuck precisely.
Should I be happy about this? How heartless.
Hui-won let out a short sigh, then clenched his trembling fist.
“I… I want to terminate the pregnancy.”
“……”
A brief silence passed. A momentarily flustered expression flashed across the doctor’s face, but then he skillfully composed himself.
Under current law, Omegas can undergo abortion procedures. This is because unavoidable pregnancies frequently occur due to the special circumstances of estrus. While there are groups opposing abortion on human rights grounds, legally there’s no issue, so OB-GYN doctors generally prioritize the patient’s wishes.
“Medication is possible up to 9 weeks. This is a rather strong medication, so vomiting and dizziness may occur upon taking it. But these symptoms disappear soon after the miscarriage… If you wish, I can prescribe it for you today.”
The doctor explained as gently as possible, respecting Hui-won’s opinion. His gaze was now fixed solely on the patient’s face, not the ultrasound screen. The patient who had decided to terminate the pregnancy looked as if he might collapse at any moment.
Hui-won looked down at the simple packet of medicine before him. A total of 5 days’ worth. The thought that a life would fade away with just this was unbearably futile.
But in the end, he couldn’t bring himself to take the medicine he had received. Left untouched, still unopened, it remained on one side of the dining table, taking the form of his guilt.
Sitting dazedly before the table, Hui-won let out a heavy sigh. Then he rubbed his dry face with both hands, as if covering it. His troubled breath pooled in his palms.
There was still about a month left. So, for now, let’s postpone this until my mind is made up.
Hui-won touched his flat lower abdomen. He couldn’t feel any movement, and the pregnancy symptoms were still minimal. Was there really a child inside?
Contrary to his decision, terminating the pregnancy wasn’t easy for him either. Faced with the abortion pills, his heart grew even more conflicted. He himself couldn’t judge what the right choice was.
***
After the weekend passed, he resumed his usual routine. It was a continuation of days spent busily working by Kwon Young-je’s side, fulfilling his duties.
He was told to be extremely careful due to the high miscarriage risk, but it seemed the child was stubbornly holding on inside his belly despite the intense overtime work. Whenever his lower abdomen tightened occasionally, he could feel it as the child sending a distress signal.
Also, there were times when he felt unbearably nauseous. Probably morning sickness symptoms.
Hui-won still hadn’t taken the medicine. Instead, whenever he felt unwell, he would unwrap a lemon candy and put it in his mouth. The sour sweetness soothed his queasy stomach.
“What a foolish thing I’m doing.”
He felt pathetic himself, but there was nothing he could do. Perhaps he was waiting for the child, unable to endure the harsh environment, to leave on its own. To lessen his guilt somewhat.
It was a cowardly act.
Seeing this, I really am not fit to be a parent.