By Zephyria 
The decision was made in an instant, but it took a long time to complete the letter. The message to be conveyed was clear, but there was no way to deliver it without hurting him, so the sentences kept circling aimlessly without a center.
I had to crumple and throw away the half-written letter several times. Even starting the letter was a difficult task. I wrote, “To my dear Carlisle,” then crossed it out. I wrote, “To Carlisle, whom I miss,” then erased it again. I wrote, “To Carlisle, whom I cannot help but feel sorry for,” then crumpled the paper again. No matter what modifier I put before Carlisle’s name, it all felt like deception.
‘To Carlisle.’
In the end, the beginning of the letter, which I had written and erased countless times, started with such an insignificant phrase.
I didn’t want to make excuses, and I didn’t have the right to. When I thought of the innocent eyes that were only trusting me and waiting, the inside of my chest ached as if it had been pricked.
I only wrote that there was no lie in my heart that had wanted to be with you, and that I had simply fallen in love with Adrian. So I didn’t think I could go back to you. Along with the words of gratitude for everything so far and that I would find a way to break the imprinting somehow, so don’t worry. I was determined to risk my life to repay the debt if there was no way to break the imprinting in the end, but I couldn’t bring myself to write it in case Carlisle, who was so hopelessly kind, would say it was okay.
It might have been foolish to send such a letter to Carlisle first, even though I hadn’t completely won the bet yet, and the Royal Wedding hadn’t taken place yet. If Carlisle harbored resentment and now put all his efforts into ruining the wedding, I would be helplessly defeated and unable to avoid the fate of mortgaging my soul to Allen.
“……”
But I didn’t want to be so cowardly for my own sake. Above all, when I thought of the gentle nature of the person named Carlisle Graham that I knew, the possibility of that happening was very slim.
‘I won’t ask for more.’
‘……’
‘Noah. If you tell me to give up everything as it is and just be a beast in the Imperial Palace, I will, so… I won’t dare to make things difficult for you.’
Even after knowing that I had approached him from the beginning with a false identity, and knowing that I was planning to cut him off ruthlessly, the eyes of the night sky, which were just crouching down with gentle eyes and asking for my permission, were always like that. He didn’t know how to hold poison and sharpen his blade. So I stole his poison myself. I took the blade that was sharpened to a blue edge and stabbed it into my chest.
‘Just allow me to watch you from nearby, just that.’
I suddenly became curious about my first life after I died. What was Carlisle like then… after finding out that I had taken my own life with the knife he had given me? He must have cried a lot.
He would cry a lot again with these words of farewell that I was throwing away like a notice, but still. He would cry less than then. This was the right thing to do.
The only manifestation of my last conscience was to press the letters clearly and legibly without wetting the letter with disgusting tears.
Every Wednesday night, when Carlisle sent me a letter. Before the letter arrived, I first placed the letter I had written in the designated place. When I returned after finishing dinner and checked, the letter had safely disappeared in its envelope.
“…I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Carlisle.”
I couldn’t sleep particularly well that night. I tried to punish myself by muttering atonement like a prayer with my lips, but I couldn’t experience any hardship while wrapped in a cozy bed and comfortable blankets. The more comfortable my body was, the more guilt seemed to weigh down on me.
I kept peeking out the window whenever I had a chance, wondering if I would get a reply. No reply came even after several days had passed. Had he really accepted it as it was? I couldn’t concentrate on my wedding, which was fast approaching in three weeks, and my nerves kept running out the window. I spent almost every night sleeplessly and fell into a doze as if fainting one dawn.
“Wake up.”
“Ugh……”
“You’d better wake up right now, Noah Hamilton.”
A large hand grabbed my collar and slowly lifted my body as if lifting a net.
Even at dawn, as we enter summer, the air is humid. A warm breeze blew over my hazy face. My eyes opened on their own. Unlike the warm temperature inside the room, the hand still gripping my collar was cold. It felt like a blizzard was raging in the gray eyes I met. The extreme contrast felt unreal.
“…Carlisle?”
Even after confirming the face of the guest, who was ambiguous to distinguish whether he was an invited guest or an uninvited guest, I still felt like I was wandering in a dream.
“Ah, you’re finally awake.”
The features of his face, smiling with the corners of his lips stretched wide, were still gentle.
“So, you’ve come to love the Crown Prince, Noah?”
I hadn’t expected Carlisle of all people to come at me like this, so it was sudden, but I didn’t feel like arguing. I couldn’t bring myself to say it to him, so I nodded slightly and quietly waited for his judgment. If he wanted to vent his anger, I was ready to comply.
However, he didn’t slap my cheek or spew out a string of vile curses. He just laughed dryly, as if he had heard something amusing.
“That’s a very sincere lie.”
His left hand, gripping the front of my Nightgown tightly, and his right hand, stroking my cheek so carefully that he couldn’t even press down hard, seemed to belong to different people. From his calloused skin came the scent of a chilling wind, not found in the warm air of the capital. It was the scent that always felt so free, and therefore, so coveted.
“It’s not a lie. …I should apologize. But I’ll make it clear. Carlisle, I can’t leave Adrian. I have no intention of leaving.”
I took a deep breath and slowly opened my mouth. I hoped I looked arrogant. So that he could throw away any positive feelings he had for me. So that he could resent me to the end.
But the uninvited guest who woke me up was, in the end, Carlisle Graham. Gripping my collar was the most anger he could muster, and a damp, dark cloud began to form in his swirling gray eyes.
“You are, truly……”
So cruelly unchanging. A sigh-like whisper grazed past the tip of my nose. His eyes, so visibly wavering, were only filled with moisture and never actually shed a tear.
“I knew from the start that you wouldn’t be able to throw away your damn precious fiancé with your own hands, Noah, so there’s no need to pretend.”
“…Carlisle.”
“My heart isn’t so weak that it would crumble from a few harsh words.”
“……”
There was a strange nuance to his words. Especially the part about ‘damn precious fiancé.’ If I had ever mentioned Adrian to Carlisle, it would have been before I regained the memories of my first life, and it would have been nothing but criticism.
His lips stretched wide again, forming a deep, hearty smile that made the viewer feel strangely refreshed.
“Whatever. I know what you’re thinking. You can’t betray your precious fiancé again, and you feel bad asking me to live in hiding again…. So you’re going to abandon me for now and then find a way to break the imprinting, and that’s how you’ll take responsibility. And if you can’t find a way to break the imprinting, you’ll sacrifice your life to break it, right?”
…I couldn’t even deny it. His voice cut into my heart with perfect clarity. The only known way to break the imprinting of a Wolf beast-man was the death of the Imprinted one. Finding another imprinting partner depended on one’s feelings, but once the Imprinted one died, the imprinting would automatically break.
“My beloved Noah.”
“……”
“Have you ever experienced the pain of having your heart torn out while still alive?”
Carlisle asked that and, without waiting for my answer, immediately answered himself.
“Ah. That was a foolish question. The way you inflicted the pain of forcibly breaking the imprinting on me was by embedding the tooth I pulled out for you into your heart.”
“Ca, Carlisle?”
“Are you going to stain your blood on my tooth again? Are you going to use me and abandon me just for the sake of dying?”
My heart was pounding like crazy. Carlisle’s voice, filled with excitement and violently surging, struck my ears like thunder. Finally, the moisture that had been gathering in his eyes streamed down his cheeks. His lips were still smiling brightly. I was captivated by his gaze and couldn’t move at all.
“No, Noah. I can’t allow it this time.”
It’s certain. …Carlisle has the memories of the first life.