By Zephyria 
‘Go Yohan’s Guardian’ is my second name. Every time, I suddenly realize clearly that I have become an adult. Adult. Just those two letters feel awkward. It feels like wearing clothes that don’t fit.
So many nights have passed agonizing over the inherited responsibility of being a guardian. I went to school in the morning and to the hospital room in the evening. In fact, I didn’t even attend half of my school classes properly. When I returned to the hospital with a heavy heart, Go Yohan popped out like a puppy waiting for its owner.
And as if he had been waiting for me, Go Yohan poured out everything that had happened at the hospital all day.
“They say I have to have another transplant. Ah, damn it… My thighs are tattered. And the hospital food is so bad, I’m about to go crazy. I’m not an old man, and my stomach is fine, but I don’t know why I have to eat food that even dogs wouldn’t eat.”
The way he vented his frustration with a truly pained expression was no different from a child. I sighed softly and rummaged through my bag. I really hate smelly things in my bag. The smell of food had already permeated it deeply. My face automatically frowned.
But I can’t help it. I hated carrying it around even more.
“Why?”
Why does it look like I can see a drooping tail? A dog with a lot of fur, too. Disgusting, disgusting. I hurriedly shook off the terrible imagination that suddenly came to mind and took out a box from my bag. Pitiful eyes scanned what I took out. Only then did a different light shine in his gloomy eyes.
“What is this?”
“Lunch box. I asked, and they said it’s okay to eat since the surgery is still a long way off.”
“Lunch box?”
“Don’t read too much into it. I just bought it from a nearby store.”
The reason I said not to read too much into it was because I had read too much into it.
I would never say that I found a place near this hospital where patients could eat and that tasted good. I didn’t want to. I really wanted to look like I was being humanely considerate without any ulterior motives.
But Go Yohan seemed to like even that. He scratched his ear like crazy with his right hand, which didn’t move well. The ear that I glimpsed was bright red. My gaze gradually turned to his fingers. The slightly bent shape was hideous. My face crumpled. Why did those fingers have to catch my eye, have to? My heart felt heavy.
“…Th, thank you.”
I heard a strangely subdued voice. Go Yohan glanced at me, and when our eyes met, he was startled and pretended to open the lunch box lid like crazy. Or is even being startled a pretense? Is it real that he acts like someone who would be in trouble if he was caught glancing at me?
I leaned my tired body against the sofa, watching him stuff food into his mouth as if he were about to choke.
It was a dirty sight. Food was dripping…
Go Yohan’s index, ring, and middle fingers don’t bend well. Whether that was a lie or the truth, I slowly approached Go Yohan and took the spoon he was holding.
“What do you want to eat?”
“…”
“Meat?”
At least I have a Moral obligation to believe in Go Yohan’s wounds.
Go Yohan, who had food smeared around his mouth, smiled with his head slightly lowered. I don’t know what makes this bastard, who will never be able to use three fingers properly for the rest of his life and has tattered scars on his thighs and back, so happy. I really don’t know, so I can’t bear to look at his bright face.
What’s so fun? I would want to die if I were him.
I roughly picked the most delicious-looking side dish and forced it into Go Yohan’s mouth. Go Yohan stuffed food into his mouth, chewed it forcibly, and smiled. This son of a bitch makes me uncomfortable.
In fact, the reason I bought the lunch box was because I had stopped by Go Yohan’s house before coming to the hospital.
It had been two weeks since Go Yohan’s skin transplant surgery. Surprisingly, I still had a Guardian pass. I had only encountered Go Yohan’s family at this hospital three times. Once was Father, and twice were his mother. In particular, his mother was kind to me, as if rewarding me for resolving the delegated task.
Go Yohan just stared at his mother’s back with his chin resting on his hand.
So I was just going to pack some of Go Yohan’s things. He must be bored alone in the hospital room. I knew it well because I had a previous record. So I pretended to sympathize with the pain. So that I would never think of compassion or affection.
After that day, I, who had not entered the dormitory and was commuting from home, stopped by Go Yohan’s house on the way. This mansion still welcomed me, but Go Rosa did not.
Go Rosa, who followed me into Go Yohan’s room, leaned against the wall and asked harshly.
“Are you still hanging out with Go Yohan?”
In fact, I don’t have entirely good feelings for Go Rosa either. How could she not show up at the hospital even once? When her family was hurt. The standards stemming from my emotions arbitrarily pointed her out. I did it without even knowing. It was never an intentional feeling. Realizing that fact, I shut my mouth and stuffed my luggage into my bag, answering.
“Yeah.”
“He finally did it, that bastard. That crazy bastard likes you a lot.”
At those words, my hand stopped abruptly. I turned around as if possessed and asked.
“…Me?”
“What are you asking? Are you happy about it now?”
“No, I was just asking.”
“There’s no such thing as just asking in the world. You asked because you wanted to ask.”
Disgusting. I pretended not to hear her muttering in a small voice. However, Go Rosa lightly ignored me with her attitude of approaching me. It seems that ignoring people is a genetic trait of this family. Go Rosa, Go Yohan, and even their Father.
“Where did you go after graduation, by the way?”
“Yeah.”
The news has spread all over the neighborhood. Really.
“It’s not like I didn’t know on purpose, Go Yohan was going crazy. A guy who never even went to church was praying and going crazy, and not long after, he tore off the Rosary that Father gave him and screamed. I saw that crazy bastard back then. You know? The one he always wore. It was consecrated.”
“Consecrated?”
“Yeah, that one. The one that bastard cherished because he received it from Father. He said something like ‘God is a son of a bitch’? After that, he didn’t even come out of his room, and our house was peaceful itself. I wonder who the real son of a bitch is. He doesn’t even know it’s him. He’s stupid.”
Go Rosa’s tone, which had been speaking with a snort, became a little lower. She definitely did that as soon as she saw my face.
“Are you crazy? Your face is red.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Don’t tell me you really like him? Is that what it is?”
“I said no.”
“…You’re crazy.”
She even covered her mouth with a horrified expression.
“You’re crazy, really!”
Why does she keep doing that when I said no? Annoyed, I slammed the zipper of my bag shut and said sharply. I wanted to criticize her in my own way.
“Why did you say that to me? Your Father said Go Yohan is second to him, right?”
“What? What are you talking about all of a sudden?”
“I’m talking about your brother. He’s second to your Father. I asked your Father directly. He said it wasn’t true. You said Go Yohan is the most loved, right?”
However, Go Rosa made a bizarre expression, unlike what I had expected.
“…He said I was second to him too.”
After spitting out suspicious evidence in her monologue, she soon fell into confusion. She definitely didn’t seem to have time to care about a stranger. I was the only one who realized the truth. Go Yohan’s Father had given all his children the rank of second. There was no first. And that vacancy would never be filled.
“Then is it Go Yoseb? …No, it can’t be him.”
I stared at Go Rosa, who had fallen into a swamp of thought, packed my bag, and left the room. This time, there were no footsteps following me. She seemed to be in shock. As I came down the stairs, I shook my head at the cruelty of their Father.
Liar. He said he loved his children.
“What are you thinking so hard about?”
I was startled. The voice whispering in my ear was familiar yet unfamiliar. The muscles near my ear twitched. I hurriedly moved my body away from the large warmth that had been next to me. It was Go Yohan, as expected.
“Ah, sorry…”
His long eyelashes drooped downward. The eyes that met mine shone with anxiety. And he poured out a waterfall of words as if making excuses. His eyes, peeled back and weakened, spoke honestly. He was craving affection and wanted to be loved. Please don’t just hate me.
I felt like something was collapsing in my chest at that look. Why is Go Yohan doing this to me?
“They said I can be discharged after this transplant. Th, the progress is good… I can come for treatment occasionally, but it’s not like I have to be hospitalized for a long time. So… I can go home…”
His gloomy, sunken eyes glanced at me, and when our eyes met, his gaze fell to the floor.
At the same time, I fell to the floor with him. Why is he saying that today of all days? I lifted my foot, which had been placed under the sofa, and placed it on the sofa. I sat with my knees raised and fell into deep thought.
Of course, the words I had to say were already decided. I had just covered up all the answers I had built up until now.
“Your house.”
“Our house?”
“It’s crazy.”
“…”
“I’ve never seen a family as crazy as yours. Are all religious families like that?”
Or… Suddenly, a hypothesis flashed through my mind.
“Did your Father do so many bad things that he’s afraid of his sins, so he believes in religion?”
However, the hypothesis soon collapsed. That person is not someone who would fear his sins. Rather, he was someone who would step on his sins and erase even the traces.
“You know, in my opinion, you look the most like your Father. Your appearance, your build, your voice, even your way of speaking is similar. You even lie just like him. Your Father is a master of lying too.”
“…I don’t look like him.”
“Then don’t grow up like your Father.”
Only after the answer was settled did I feel like I knew why Go Yohan’s parents had left me with Go Yohan. Of course, it’s just my delusion and deception. I just decided to think that way.
“Don’t stay in a house like that. When you get discharged… come to the dormitory. There’s still some time left.”
“…Huh?”
“They’ll cut off admission based on income bracket in the second semester, so I’ll probably be living on my own then.”
I moved my toes.
Why did Go Yohan save me back then? The first illness I worried about when I was eighteen is now just a small memory. Go Yohan has become an incurable disease in my life. Is this what Go Yohan wanted? Could even this situation be a lie? Aren’t we all playing in a fabricated play?
Suddenly, I met Go Yohan’s eyes. His slender, gloomy eyes shone brightly as soon as they met mine, and then he blushed and avoided my gaze. I read the only truth. All that was left was Go Yohan’s wounds and his three unmoving fingers.
Of all things, I liked Go Yohan’s slender fingers.
Why, of all things, fingers?
“If you promise not to have ulterior motives towards me anymore, I’ll lend you my house.”
It’s a contradictory statement. I know that too. Han Tae-san, who always irritated me, said that even if Kang Jun says that, he always ends up doing good deeds. No matter what his intentions are. However, I have an excuse to make now. It was the brown scars spread across Go Yohan’s back. Just as Go Yohan couldn’t look at my eyes, I couldn’t dare to look at Go Yohan’s back.
“Jun-ah.”
“Yeah.”
“Then is believing okay?”
His choked voice approached slowly. I pretended not to, but I was listening intently.
“What on earth does that mean?”
“I won’t like you.”
At that moment, my heart collapsed to the floor. My stomach twisted, and my chest tightened. I almost blurted out, “Why don’t you like me?” When I was about to say those words, I knew what I was going to say. My hidden true feelings came out like that.
The real Kang Jun is a hopeless idiot.
I clenched my fist and endured. Yes, this will be better. For you and me.
“Instead, I’ll believe.”
However, Go Yohan said strange words. With a pitiful and joyful emotion mixed in his voice, like a believer who had received a revelation from God. Is there any other way to express Go Yohan right now other than those words? Even though I didn’t understand Go Yohan’s words, I didn’t bother to take away my hand that he was holding or run away. My heart, which had been suffocatingly tight, was now painfully stabbed.
“I’m an atheist now. Honestly, you’re more helpful in my life than that bastard in the sky.”
“Don’t, don’t talk nonsense.”
Come to think of it, this son of a bitch.
“You’re always blaspheming religion.”
“Ah, no. I used to be a very devout believer.”
“Then what did you just say?”
Go Yohan waved his hands desperately. I don’t know why he needs to be so desperate. His tone of trying to persuade me was on the verge of tears. He might cry right away if I don’t believe him. When I was flustered and lost my words, Go Yohan suddenly went down under the sofa and knelt down as if he had made up his mind.
“Then I’ll show you.”
“Hey, hey. What are you doing?”
His large hand grabbed my foot. I was sitting on the sofa, so I slipped and barely hung my butt on the edge of the sofa, and my toes dangled in the air because of my caught ankle.
Then Go Yohan saw the scar left on the sole of my foot. The trace of being cut by stepping on a glass bottle. He frowned at the trace. And surprisingly, a lake formed in his gloomy eyes. While I was trying to pull my foot away in embarrassment, Go Yohan lowered his head.
“What are you…”
“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”
The cold fingertips brushed against my ankle. My legs ached, and my lower abdomen was numb. What is this crazy bastard doing? I tried to pull my foot out of Go Yohan’s grasp, but I couldn’t muster any strength.
Go Yohan looked up at me once, and then, with a happy expression like a believer who had encountered a sacred object, without even thinking for a moment that it was dirty,
“I see the Lord.”
He kissed the tip of my foot.
Thin strands of hair calmly touched my ankle and tickled me. Soft lips touched and rubbed against my embarrassed toes.
“D, don’t do it…”
I covered my face with the back of my hand. Go Yohan’s right hand slowly grabbed my caught ankle. At that moment, I stopped trying to get away from Go Yohan.
Three particularly weak fingers grabbed me. I knew that the lips of the rebellious believer, who had been blaspheming the Lord every day, were climbing up my calf, but I couldn’t stop him. Only then did I realize. This terrible incurable disease, the nightmare of eighteen, was not over yet.