19 – Your Entrance Ceremony

I don’t know how I got back. Only the parts where my memory opened and closed the door remained. The only moments that kept replaying were the car door opening, closing, the house gate opening, and closing. With each break in the scene, all I could hear was the overwhelming panting escaping my lips.

“Huh, huh…”

Like a pheasant in the middle of winter, fleeing from a hunter, I hid in my room. I buried my head in a mere, hollow sanctuary and felt relieved. The only difference between the pheasant and me was that I knew the sanctuary would soon melt away.

“I can’t, I really can’t. No. I can’t do it.”

I lay face down on the floor, desperately searching for plane tickets. My eyes were almost tearful. I kept rubbing my lips raw with the back of my hand.

“I was a crazy bastard. I was the one who was really crazy…”

I cursed myself under my breath, frantically scanning for the earliest possible flight. My hand kept slipping, pressing the wrong screens. I was already out of my mind.

Go Yohan is, as always, the chaos in my life. Go Yohan always steals my control.

“Damn it…”

As soon as the payment window popped up, I called my parents without even checking the time. My sweat-soaked palms gripped the carpet.

“Please, please answer…”

After a long, drawn-out ringing, the call went to voicemail. No answer.

“Shit!”

But it didn’t matter. I had to go, no matter what. I pulled out any travel bag I could find and packed whatever I could grab. I just threw in anything that seemed necessary. I was in such a daze that the Auntie, who witnessed my commotion, was taken aback and tried to stop me.

“Student!”

“……!”

“What are you doing? Where, where are you going?”

Unfortunately, the situation wasn’t conducive to giving a detailed explanation. Like throwing a dart at a spinning dartboard with a dizzy mind, I answered in a really urgent and direct way.

“I’m, I’m going to where my parents are.”

“Was this planned? The luggage…”

“No, I’m, I’m going now.”

“Did you contact your parents?”

“No.”

I threw things in, grabbing and tossing them, pushing things off the table with my arms. I heard something breaking as it fell. My mind was a mess. Avoiding the already soaked floor, I closed the full bag. After a few fumbles, I pulled out the handle and hurriedly stood up. At the same time, I met an anxious gaze.

The Auntie grabbed me as I tried to pass by and leave the room. My arm, held without pain, stopped my body, but my rampaging judgment had already plummeted to the ground.

“I’m sorry.I didn’t have the余裕to take care of or comfort anyone. Hundreds of footsteps were chasing after me. The frustration of a runaway running alone with a lamp in the dark night squeezed me, making me emaciated. Even the breath that was escaping my lips wouldn’t flow.

“Ah, would Auntie call my parents for me?”

“……Me?”

“I’m going to catch a flight now.”

“A flight, now?”

“Yes, yes.”

“Is something wrong?”

Is something wrong? No. There shouldn’t be. I shook my head as if denying everything that had happened to me. I was desperate.

“No. Nothing happened.”

“……I’ll make the call.”

The Auntie didn’t ask any more questions and released my arm. It was a clean attitude. I felt the loosening force and moved my legs. I glanced back and saw the Auntie standing there with a slightly stiff face. Our eyes met, but I soon avoided her gaze, turned around, and ran.

Time was of the essence. The clock’s hands were chasing me.

“I can buy toiletries there…, just buy everything there…”

I hurriedly called a taxi. The travel bag bumped against the stairs as I went down, making a racket, but I couldn’t care less. The taxi, which said it was passing nearby, was quickly connected, and as soon as I confirmed it, I dashed out of the hallway as if throwing myself. I didn’t even put on my shoes properly, just crammed them on. The moment I straightened up and opened the door, I met my own eyes in the large mirror.

“Uh…”

When did I see this face?

My memory goes back to eighteen again. The detestable age put a terrible weight on my feet, which were trying to grow. That dog-like night I didn’t even want to remember, that poor face that had crawled into my house, was strangely in the mirror.

Why are you there?

I even gave you a bouquet of flowers, so you should have gloriously disappeared. Why do you keep holding onto me?

A foolish bastard who doesn’t develop and doesn’t know how to learn looks at me. An undivided gaze escaped from the mirror and reached out to me.

“No…”

My struggle caused a commotion, and I threw the things I was holding. My reason didn’t recognize it at all. The moment the heavy sensation left my hand, I knew what I had thrown. The mirror shattered with a sound that violently struck my ears.

Sharp shards grazed the top of my foot.

Fortunately, the large pieces fell on my shoes, but the small pieces grazed my ankle. A red line was clearly drawn on the pale flesh. A dizzying line handcuffed my ankle. My stiff body just watched the process of the blood seeping out. As if trying to pull me to the floor, but that was when.

Beep-beep!

“……!”

I snapped back to my senses. It was a sound from outside. The taxi that was nearby grabbed the back of my head that was sinking into the swamp and pulled me up. Crazy, idiot. I hurriedly stepped on the broken pieces of the mirror and ran outside.

“Ah, why are you taking so long!”

Kang Jun, who used to be so conscious of others, doesn’t even care who’s angry in front of him now. He just forcibly dragged the bag that wouldn’t pull well, then slammed the trunk like crazy in an impolite manner. As soon as the trunk clicked open, he threw the bag in as if tossing it, and without saying anything more, he jumped into the back seat and closed the door.

“Driver, hurry, hurry up.”

“What’s the rush?”

“Hurry!”

The driver looked at me strangely and shifted gears.

That’s when I saw it. That’s when I saw it. A fleeting moment passed like an eternity.

One of the taxis passing us was black. An uneasy feeling gripped my throat. I felt like all the blood in my body was draining away. Instinctively, I lowered my body. But my gaze was directed at the receding taxi. The black taxi stopped exactly where I had just gotten into the car, and the person who was coming out of it gradually came into focus in my field of vision.

Tall height, light eyes, depressed…

As I pressed down hard on the fake leather seat with my damp hands, the figure that came out of the black taxi suddenly turned its head.

“……!”

I gasped. I quickly hid my face under the seat. My heart felt like it was stopping.

“Ah, no…”

The top of my foot, grazed by the shards, stung. The blood wasn’t stopping.

My parents, whom I met after a long flight of over 10 hours, scolded me as soon as they saw me. I had left my cell phone behind, so contact was cut off, and I was still in my school uniform.

“What if this was America? Jun-i, you could have been kicked out.”

I heard this hundreds of times. I rode in the car with my parents, heading to their house, and just stared blankly at the car’s ceiling. The words scolding me didn’t stop, but all the words dissipated in the air. And then I slept for almost a week. I made the excuse of jet lag.

Everything was peaceful. I couldn’t hear the sound of footsteps chasing me. The relief of being at the end of the continent made me feel sluggish. It certainly did.

But when the gentle pink sunset wrapped around me, and I couldn’t tell whether the thing in the distance was a wolf or a dog, I would often lie in bed and put my fingers to my lips.

The act was so secretive and quiet that the mistake happened without my knowing.

“Haa…”

My desire sometimes moves before me while I’m asleep.

In the early hours of the morning, when my body, unable to overcome the jet lag, is sucked into the bed and struggles in the deep pit it has fallen into, the most fundamental desire appears naked. He bit the thickest part of his finger horizontally and closed his eyes. It was definitely not an act I intended. The lips that trembled naturally, the slight fever that tickled my lower abdomen, were not my doing.

“……!”

Then, when I suddenly woke up, I would bite down on my finger with my teeth as if trying to bite it to death. Only when it was tattered and injured would the shame that knew the pain run far away.

He and I were constantly playing a game of soul territory.

“That’s right, the dorm.”

I suddenly remembered as I fumbled for the approaching date of the first lecture. Because I didn’t have a cell phone, I couldn’t receive any calls, so my idiotic days passed endlessly. I hurriedly got up and looked for my parents.

“Um, can I check the internet for a moment?”

“Huh? Why?”

“I need to check the dorm…”

“Oh, that? Use the one on the desk in the study.”

“Yes, thank you.”

I bowed my head and was trying to recall the structure of the unfamiliar villa.

“But aren’t you going to buy a cell phone?”

Why did that question prick my conscience? I couldn’t bring myself to say that the uneasy peace I was enjoying now was possible because I had cut off all means of finding me, so I just smiled awkwardly. Remembering my cell phone lying pathetically on the floor of the entrance.

“I’ll buy one when I go back to Korea.”

“……Aren’t you getting in touch with your friends?”

“Just.”

My hesitant lips spat out a belated excuse.

“They’re just friends I don’t want to contact.”

“……Okay. If that’s what you say, then that’s what it is.”

It was a somewhat unsettling answer. It was like looking pitifully at a son who was being bullied at school. Well, it’s not wrong.

“You can make friends when you go to college.”

“Yes……. That’s right.”

I hurriedly escaped from the awkward atmosphere. And in the unfamiliar study, I belatedly checked the results of my dorm application. Of course, I was accepted.

It wasn’t surprising, since my parents said they would take care of it. It was just a little embarrassing that my address was Busan. Why Busan of all places? While I was feeling dumbfounded, I remembered an apartment in my name in Haeundae.

“Ah, that.”

I quickly pressed the close button to cover up my embarrassment. And I checked the move-in period.

The strange thing was that there was definitely a registration period, but there was no separate move-in period. Just a weekday. That was all. Then I guess I can just move in before the first class.

As soon as I finished the short calculation, I booked a ticket to Korea. And I told my parents that I had been accepted into the dorm. My parents, who weren’t happy about me going to the dorm, didn’t like the result very much. However, they did call home and ask the Auntie to pack my luggage.

At that time, I was trampling on the sprouts of anxiety and sprouting the seeds of confidence. I could ward off the guy who wakes up in the late afternoon and early morning by biting my fingers. Also, when I thought of myself, who had pulled out the tooth called college that I had been suffering from for 19 years, I felt like I could do anything.

“Ah, this is really awkward.”

Especially inside the cell phone store, I felt unnecessarily embarrassed.

It felt unfamiliar to sign the contract alone. Adult things were calling my name. The evidence of adulthood that was engraved on me encouraged me. The thing I had been longing for my whole life was unfolding. On top of my rightful efforts. Finally, that ‘acceptance’ stamp became my nameplate. So my pride wasn’t broken.

I thought it wouldn’t be broken.

But as soon as I entered the neighborhood, the elated man turned into a small mouse. A mouse hiding between holes. The sight of sneaking through familiar streets was pathetic. My gaze kept reaching the gate of the Go family’s house.

It won’t open…,

I won’t run into him…

I hunched over as much as possible. I also muffled my footsteps. I acted like a thief who had sneaked into this neighborhood. Kang Jun, who had been so confident, was dead.

As soon as I returned home, I was greeted by the clean entrance and the Auntie, who must have lived in the mansion like an owner while no one was there. Then, I suddenly met the Auntie’s eyes, and her expression was really strange. I was wondering why she was like that when I remembered what my parents had said at the airport.

‘Now Ms. Jung will be alone in our house.’

‘What should we do, should we fire her?’

‘Then who will take care of the house?’

The two of them crossed their arms and pondered, and the conclusion was ‘don’t fire her.’ The reason was that they wanted to see a clean house without any work to do when they returned home. They also said this.

‘Then that house will belong to that Auntie. What a windfall for that person. If she pretends to be the owner of the house, no one will know.’

‘Jun-ah, you have to go home every weekend and keep a close eye on her. To make sure she doesn’t let any strange people in.’

It was a joke, though. Anyway, we can check with CCTV.

Anyway, seeing her worried face, I couldn’t just leave her alone, so I said exactly what my parents had said.

“They said they’re not going to fire you.”

“Ah, yes…”

“……I’ll come to eat sometimes when I have time.”

“Yes.”

“Please take good care of the house…”

“Yes.”

It was a concise conversation, but I shuddered because it felt strange for me to say these things to an adult. It’s awkward. It’s so awkward I could die. I coughed awkwardly and pretended not to care. Then, the Auntie, who had been talking a little more until now, suddenly opened her mouth.

“Um, I put that on the desk.”

“Yes? What?”

“The thing you left behind. I kept it in case you needed it.”

“Ah, yes. Thank you.”

I didn’t know what I had left behind, but I didn’t want to be any more awkward, so I deliberately didn’t ask and went up the stairs. What I witnessed there was the worst. There was something terrible in the room I arrived at.

“Damn it…”

A cell phone with a cracked screen. I buried my face in my hands.

And the dorm I arrived at was almost a haunted house. At least in my standards.

“……Is that a rat, by any chance?”

I definitely saw something passing by in the nearby bushes. It was bigger than my fist. I stopped because the thought of drawing that shape in my head again made me want to throw up. I should have just lived on my own. I suppressed the disgusting feeling as I was tormented by the scenery outside the window, and the staff member, seeing my expression, smiled and said this.

“The facilities aren’t very good, are they?”

“Yes? No…”

I didn’t know how to react, so I flinched. Young women are a little difficult.

Is it because I haven’t had many chances to meet them in my life? The only young woman I’ve talked to a lot in my life is my Homeroom Teacher, but it’s a little embarrassing to treat her like my Homeroom Teacher. She looks younger than my Homeroom Teacher.

I was racking my brain, avoiding the words awkwardly, and filling out the documents.

“It’s not not good.”

“……”

Usually, they would read the room around this point and stop talking, but this person strangely kept saying more.

“But you’ll soon be grateful for it, you know? This is a 2-person room building, so everyone feels uncomfortable at first, but later everyone wants to come here. Actually, this is the best facility among the dorms. The rooms are the biggest, and there’s a toilet and shower inside, and the graduate school cafeteria is close.”

“Why the graduate school cafeteria?”

I just asked out of curiosity, but the staff member suddenly brightened up and came closer. I was a little surprised and took a step back.

“Ah, well…”

“The graduate school cafeteria is the most delicious in our school. It’s the most crowded, so if you go right at lunchtime, it’s super busy. Then the College of Education is also good, but oh, don’t go to the College of Arts cafeteria.”

“……Yes.”

“Finally, take this. You see the signature line at the end here? Sign here and take the things you left.”

“Thank you.”

“Should I help you? Is there anything else you need?”

“No, I’m okay.”

She was a staff member who was kind to the point of being burdensome. What’s more, when I went to the warehouse to pick up the luggage that had already arrived, that staff member was waiting at the entrance with a cart. Are the staff here always this friendly? I scratched my head in embarrassment and put the luggage on the cart.

And I frowned a little as I looked at the number of the room I arrived at.

“Why does it have to be room 414…”

Looking at the ominous number 414 written on the door, I thought about my future school life. When I arrived at the room, I was still alone.

Looking at the place where the name tag was placed, it seemed that my roommate hadn’t arrived yet. And even after unpacking my luggage and taking a breather, my roommate didn’t show up.

“I wish no one would come.”

It was a small wish. It’s uncomfortable to live with someone. Is it because I’ve lived alone my whole life?

Having finished all the organizing, it was just before dinner. But I had no appetite. I had heard beforehand that there would be a lot of people at mealtimes, so I didn’t particularly feel like moving.

So, I sat in my chair and looked at my phone until I made up my mind.

I found the Homeroom Teacher’s number on my old phone with the shattered screen and transferred it to the new phone I had bought a few days ago. After a short ringing, I heard the familiar voice.

-Hello.

“Teacher?”

-Yes, who is this?

“Teacher, it’s Jun.”

-Oh my.

After that, I heard something fall loudly. I waited with my ear away from the speaker for a moment, then put the phone back to my face.

“……Hello?”

-Oh my! Jun-ah!

“I’m sorry, I surprised you by calling so suddenly.”

-No, what happened to you? Why haven’t you been in touch? What happened to you!

“I’m sorry, I’ve been out of my mind lately……, but I thought I should call you, so I did.”

-You should, of course, you should! Teacher was really worried about you. Why are you calling now? Haa, really. Jun-ah, how is your preparation going? Did you perhaps do Regular Admission?

“Uh, Teacher. Actually, I……, well, I got in.”

-Huh? Wait, Jun-ah. What did you say?

“I got into Korea University.”

-……!

This time, I heard a metallic scream. Fortunately, it wasn’t too ear-splitting.

-What department? Where!

“Political Science and Diplomacy.”

-Oh my…… Goodness, Jun-ah!

“Yes?”

-You did well! Ah, ah. Really. Ah! I, really, Teacher……! Teacher was so worried……!

“Ah, I’m sorry. Well, did you get scolded a lot by the Vice Principal?”

-Is that what matters now! When are you coming to school?

Do I even have a reason to go to school? I scratched the back of my neck and asked.

“School?”

-Your college entrance exam report card! You have to get your report card!

Ah. Only then did I realize what I had left at school. So that was it.

“Ah! Well, I don’t think I can go in the beginning because I’ll be busy, but I’ll contact you again when I have time.”

-You have to come. Really, Teacher, how much, haa, never mind. Jun-ah, that’s great. I believed you would get in. See? Wasn’t I right?

“Yes, I think it’s thanks to you. Thank you.”

-You, I was so anxious. Do you know how many times Teacher called you? I kept hearing that your phone was always off, really…….

“……Why? Did something happen?”

-Ah, that’s.

The Homeroom Teacher, who had been spitting out words like a machine gun, suddenly stopped. There was definitely some meaning in that silence.

-No, it wasn’t anything. Ah, but Jun-ah, did you move?

“Pardon? No?”

-Well…… You don’t know your college entrance exam score, do you.

Is it because of the college entrance exam score? The Homeroom Teacher’s words sounded a little uncomfortable.

“……No.”

-I knew it, that’s why you were so calm. Jun-ah, you got a perfect score.

A truly unexpected word pierced my ears. It was a word I never thought I would hear, and didn’t even try to hear. When I heard a word I couldn’t even imagine, my mind went blank. What did I just hear?

“Yes?”

-You got the preliminary score wrong, you got a perfect score! That’s why Teacher was desperately looking for you. You could have gone to Korea University even with Regular Admission!

“A perfect score?”

-Yes! But I didn’t know you would apply for Regular Admission on your own like this. Whew, thank goodness. Political Science and Diplomacy? Political Science and Diplomacy, so you didn’t lower it too much. That’s a relief. You put it in just right. You can just take Business Administration as a double major. Once you get into college, that’s all that matters. You did well, you did well!

And here she was saying that college wasn’t important in life. I was so dumbfounded that I didn’t even think to argue.

“Me?”

-Yes, can’t you believe it? I was surprised too! Your college entrance exam score is higher than Jisu’s. If you had come to the graduation ceremony, you might have given the final speech. Haa, what is it with early admission. What a waste. Right? I shouldn’t be saying this, but it’s a secret? Actually, Jisu studied for one year, and you studied for two years, and Jun-i helped Teacher a lot. So, Teacher really felt that Jun-i was a waste.

“No, that’s…… It can’t be.”

There’s no way I could have gotten a perfect score……. Amidst the confusion, the following words brushed past my ears.

I didn’t even think about listening to the words that followed properly. When I came to my senses, the call had ended. Was I happy, or was I feeling strange? It was weird. Thanks to that, I naturally had no choice but to skip dinner.

A lot of time passed, and then I took an uncomfortable shower in the awkward shower room. I didn’t really have to, but it was because the color of the tiles and the faucet that I was seeing for the first time were unfamiliar. The bathroom slippers that I was wearing for the first time were also rough.

After showering, I lay down on the bed and tried to sleep, but I heard a child crying outside. I soon realized that it was the sound of a cat in heat, but I felt a chill for no reason and covered my ears with a pillow. The bed next to me, which was right in my view, had its mattress stripped off.

“Do I really not have a roommate.”

The dark night, the slightly yellowish wallpaper, the flimsy window, the chilling cry. Everything was new.

I closed my eyes tightly under the blanket. Finally, unable to bear it, I found my earphones and put them in my ears. I deliberately played loud music and closed my eyes.

Then that nightmarish feeling came rushing back. Like a child looking for its mother’s milk, I bit my finger horizontally again. The second joint of my index finger was torn to shreds, leaving a scar. But that felt like the texture of chapped lips, which sometimes tormented me even more.

“……Damn it.”

And that night, in agony, I realized.

That I was still not cured of the disease called Go Yohan.

Thanks to that, I went to my first class after staying up all night. I spent time blankly on the bed without looking at the time, and then I suddenly remembered my schedule and hurriedly got up. I’m crazy, I’m crazy. I rushed to the lecture hall, but it was already full, and the Professor was in the middle of cleaning up to leave. Suppressing the breath that had risen to my throat, I scanned the surroundings.

There were more people than in the classroom, and it felt even more foreign. A buzzing electronic sound tormented my ears. I frowned deeply and looked at the podium, where the Professor was holding a microphone.

“Then prepare as instructed, and let’s meet in this lecture hall at this time next week.”

……As instructed?

I hurriedly turned my head. I saw white A4 sheets of paper placed on desks everywhere. People were roughly folding the paper and putting it in their bags, or tucking it somewhere. What is that? I hesitated for a moment because I didn’t know, then hurriedly grabbed someone who was about to pass by and asked, bewildered.

“Excuse me, what were we instructed to do?”

“Yes? Ah, it’s just the grade ratio and the lecture book written on it. And maybe the assignment?”

“Ah…… Is there somewhere I can go to get it?”

“I don’t think you can get it from the Professor. It should be in the Course catalog, though.”

“Thank you.”

If it’s the Course catalog, is that the site where I applied for the lectures? While I was thinking, the student glanced at me, bowed his head, and turned away. Why is he glancing at me? Thinking that, I also hesitated and bowed my head.

I felt like I was going crazy from the awkwardness. Looking around, I saw that new groups were already forming. They were chattering and laughing about how there was a strange bastard in some Group chat, or about a strange thing that happened at the Freshmen welcome party, and talking about the Freshmen welcome party. I hesitated and tried to approach them, but then I stopped abruptly.

“……”

Suddenly, I had a thought. Is it okay to take such rash actions at a time when I’m starting everything for the first time? Dying in a group, living in a group. Watching the kids’ every move. Could I be starting something that might repeat the same life again? Aren’t I sick of it by now?

I just felt that kind of rebellious spirit, so I readjusted my bag and left the lecture hall alone.

“The Course catalog, was it.”

I grumbled in the Catalog room in front of the library.

“Aish, seriously.”

What do you mean, there is something? The lecture plans registered in the Course catalog were all blank. Attendance, assignments, midterm, final, all of them were written as 0%, so what am I supposed to know from this? This is a major subject? Is it okay to manage a major so carelessly? Is this really a prestigious university?

I wondered when they would update it, so I tapped the mouse for no reason, and the person sitting next to me gave me a strange look.

“Ah, I’m sorry.”

It’s not a particularly quiet atmosphere, so why are they only giving me the side eye? I wondered if there was something I didn’t know, so I got up from my seat, feeling embarrassed. Someone who had been waiting behind me quickly snatched my seat.

“……”

Even in the major that I entered after that, I was still alone. Before the class even started, people who recognized each other strangely took their seats. I was pushed and pushed and sat in the back of the lecture hall, and while receiving the amazing ‘lecture plan’ and listening to the explanation, I learned a new fact. It was all because of a few people who were secretly whispering in front of me, without the Professor knowing.

To put it simply, ‘I was late’.

They had already exchanged numbers through the college entrance exam information site, and the group they would hang out with at the Freshmen welcome party had been decided. While I was suffering, recalling the crazy things I had done to Go Yohan overseas, they had already started their social lives.

I have no complaints. It’s because I was late.

What’s a little annoying is that the people in front of me keep glancing at me.

If they’re going to ostracize me, they should ostracize me, and if they’re going to talk to me, they should talk to me. They seem to think they’re whispering to each other, but because the seats are so close, I can hear everything. “Should we talk to him?”. “Do you want to ask him?” It was a complete mess. They must have decided that I was a freshman, because as soon as the class ended, they turned around.

“Excuse me, are you perhaps a freshman?”

“……Yes.”

“Perhaps a repeat student……?”

“No, I’m a current student.”

My answer must have meant something, because they smiled brightly, as if relieved.

“We are too! We thought so, but we didn’t see your face at the Freshmen welcome party, and you’re not in the Group chat, so we were wondering.” Ah, can we speak informally? You can speak informally too. We’re the same age!”

“Ah, okay.”

“But why aren’t you in the Group chat?”

“Isn’t that only for people who went to the Freshmen welcome party?”

“The department representative said he invited everyone?”

“When did you decide on the department representative?”

“We decided at the Freshmen welcome party. The upperclassmen chose him. Ah, this hyung isn’t doing his job properly.”

“I see. I didn’t know.”

“Ah, that’s strange. Why didn’t he invite you? But didn’t you come to the Freshmen welcome party? Well, did something happen?”

“Well, I was overseas with my parents.”

“Wow, overseas trip as soon as you graduate high school? Your family must be rich.”

I hesitated about how to answer, and then I chose to lie.

“It’s not like that, it’s just that the schedules overlapped.”

I felt that there would be no point in being found out that my family was well-off. I guess I’ve grown up a bit.

“It would have been nice if you had played with us too. We made eye contact with a few upperclassmen at that time. We’ll introduce you too.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Hey, what’s the point of having classmates? I’ll invite you to the Group chat first. You have to be there to receive announcements. Well, give me your phone.”

“Here.”

“Oh, unlock the screen and give it to me……”

“It’s a new phone, so I haven’t set a password.”

“Wow, you might end up having all your dating affairs exposed. You have to manage your privacy now.”

The two of them joked with me and then poked each other and laughed. Dating, I thought about it for a while and shook my head.

“I don’t think I’ll be dating much.”

“Really?”

This time, there’s a strange look mixed in. One of the two, after exchanging glances, smiled with one lip pouting.

“Hey, did you perhaps come from an all-boys high school?”

“Huh? Yeah.”

“Hey, see? I knew it.”

“What?”

“Even if you don’t like it, the girls won’t leave you alone.”

If you think I’d be happy to hear that, you’re mistaken. Even after hearing a compliment that I had no feelings for, I just stared blankly, which made the two of them awkward.

“Why is he so unresponsive…… That guy.”

Then they exchanged glances and made me this offer.

“Have you had lunch?”

“No.”

“Want to eat together? The graduate school cafeteria here is good.”

I felt sorry to refuse the expectant look, but I shook my head.

“No, it’s okay. I’m not really in the mood for lunch.”

The truth is, I was uncomfortable. The conversation wasn’t very interesting, and our reactions didn’t really match. They seem like the type of people who would be tiring if I spent a long time with them. If it had been high school, I would have tried to be with them no matter what. Now, I just packed my things, watching the two of them leave.

But I met An Jisu in a place I really didn’t expect. It was the last liberal arts class I had today.

“Wow, Kang Jun, you.”

“Oh, you two know each other?”

“You were in the Department of Political Science and Diplomacy?”

Why did the start of this lecture have to be making group project teams? If I had known that there would be such a familiar face in the group that the Professor had randomly assigned, I wouldn’t have taken the class. There are two group members who are from different departments and whose faces I’m seeing for the first time, and next to them is An Jisu, who is overly interested in me. Why did the Professor put us together to get to know each other and then disappear first?

I clenched my fist hidden under the desk. Damn it. Because of the embarrassingly excessive friendliness, the team members’ gazes all turned to me and An Jisu. I’m embarrassed to death, but An Jisu seemed to like it.

“We went to the same high school. Hey, I thought you were a repeat student! Why didn’t you come to the graduation ceremony?”

“……”

She says something that gets on my nerves again as soon as I see her. The memories that I had shoved into the trash can somewhere in my head are about to come back vividly. I’m barely trying to forget them. Damn it.

“……I just wasn’t feeling well, and I went to where my parents were for a vacation.”

“Oh, a vacation? Overseas?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow, really…… You’re on a different level. Ah, this friend is really rich.”

“Is that so?”

“……We live in the same neighborhood. He does.”

She pretends to say it quietly, covering her mouth with her hand, but I can hear everything. And why is she saying where my house is? The team members who heard An Jisu’s words nearby either widened their eyes in surprise or nodded indifferently. One of the surprised people asked.

“Isn’t that a super rich neighborhood? The land prices are super expensive. It’s on TV and stuff.”

“There were quite a few kids in my school who lived in that neighborhood.”

I don’t know why she’s making such a proud face. Is she feeling some kind of vicarious satisfaction? It’s even more absurd because her family isn’t that poor either. But I shouldn’t have been surprised there. The questions she asked after that were even more ridiculous.

“Then do you drive around? No, you haven’t gotten your driver’s license yet, right?”

“Do you have a car too?”

“No. I just live near here.”

“Wow, parents who get a house in the same area. Where? An apartment?”

“I just live in the dorm.”

“Hey, what’s a dorm for someone at Kang Jun’s level? No, before that, how did you even get in? Ah, no. Someone like you, your parents must have already bought you several houses in the provinces. Hey, I’m jealous.”

Is this bastard trying to screw me over? What’s the intention of bringing up these things in this place? I couldn’t understand at all, so I frowned. It couldn’t be because of the college entrance exam score, right. Did some kind of rumor about my grades spread? Or did the Homeroom Teacher only tell An Jisu?

No, no. There’s no way she’d be that petty.

“It’s not like that.”

“Hey, don’t lie. Then how do you get into the dorm? Right, how much do your parents make a month?”

Her voice was so loud that even the surrounding gazes were drawn to me. It was a truly hellish moment.

“I don’t really know.”

“That’s true. They say rich people don’t even know their assets or how much they make.”

“Is your family that rich?”

One of the group members asked cautiously. The one who answered proudly to that was An Jisu.

“There were quite a few kids like this at the high school I went to. It was a school in a neighborhood that has been rich for generations and has good school districts. He probably doesn’t even know how much bus fare is.”

“Hey, yes I do.”

“No, Go Yohan didn’t know.”

Go Yohan.

“……”

The moment I heard that name, all my thought circuits stopped. After that, the words that An Jisu was spouting all turned into white noise. There was a formidable rich person named Go Yohan in the same class, all the things he had were luxury brands, and the real luxury brands were ones we didn’t even know. What woke me up wasn’t those embarrassing words.

“But do you know that Go Yohan was looking for you a lot?”

At those words, the white world instantly found its color. As if someone had broken a spell, I blinked stupidly and said.

“Uh, huh? What did you say?”

“Go Yohan was looking for you a lot. Your Homeroom Teacher really had a hard time. She kept asking why you weren’t answering your calls, that you weren’t home even when she went to your house, and she was making a fuss about you contacting her. You said it was because of the stress of the college entrance exam, but why did you do that? I’ve never seen Go Yohan so anxious. You and him were really close before.”

“……”

“He even borrowed other kids’ phones to call you. Said you blocked his number, and… Anyway, it was crazy. Did you guys fight again?”

“……I’m sorry, but please don’t bring him up in front of me.”

I can’t listen anymore.

I think I’ve endured enough. Judging by Jo Won’s expression, who had been silently nodding, she probably thinks I’m putting on airs. I thought the same, so I abruptly stood up.

“I’ll hear about the assignment next week. See you next week.”

Only after I left did I realize I hadn’t given her my number, but we’re meeting again next week anyway. I decided not to pay it any mind.

Checking the time, it was already afternoon. Thanks to the last elective ending early, it was only 4 PM. The place where department announcements were posted was already filled with notifications on my phone, I don’t even know when I was invited.

After that, I ate alone, went back to the dorm alone, and prepared for the assignment alone. Honestly, it was easier than I thought. So easy that I wondered if I had been living like a fool, unable to do even this. I realized it suited me better. Looking back, I never had a best friend anyway.

Best friend. While searching for a topic for the assignment, my fingers unconsciously moved over the keyboard. Familiar consonants and vowels intertwined and appeared on the cursor-blinking screen.

‘Who is Jun-i’s best friend?’

‘Um, no. Go Yohan.’

Go Yohan.

Damn it, as soon as I came to my senses, I slammed my fist on the keyboard. That wasn’t enough to quell my anger, so I threw the mouse next to me against the wall.

“Please, just please get out of my head!”

But even throwing everything on the desk didn’t solve my torment. My mind, soaked in confusion, only sought an escape.

Okay, okay. Let’s just sleep and forget everything. Like someone possessed, I walked towards the bed.

That wasn’t enough, so I pulled the blanket over my head. As I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, my hand once again groped for my lips on its own. I pressed the center of my lips firmly with my middle and index fingers. The protruding flesh softly sank in. Unsatisfied with just that, I moved my fingers deeper inside. The moment I bit my fingernail with my front teeth, I finally came to my senses and pulled my finger out of my mouth.

“Crazy……”

I must be crazy.

“Why does that bastard, who I’ll never see again anyway, keep popping up?”

I shouldn’t have acted impulsively back then. I regretted and regretted the irreversible act, and finally fell asleep.

I fell asleep too early. When I opened my eyes, it was only 7 PM.

“This is driving me crazy. Seriously.”

Seriously, today was a trash day. It was the worst of the worst, the first day of college life. So this is the twenty I dreamed of. My mood worsened to the point of collapsing.

Turning my head, my roommate still hadn’t arrived. It really makes me wonder if I’m using this room alone. Looking at the empty mattress, I felt hungry.

“Dinner……”

Looking at the time, the dorm cafeteria was cutting it close.

“Should I just skip it?”

But if I do that, I might really not be able to turn back by dawn. I forced my tired body up. If I buy something, I might at least think about eating it someday.

I grabbed my wallet and walked in the direction where I had seen a convenience store before. I bought a few things that seemed decent enough to eat, and some water too. I put everything in a bag and headed back to the dorm. The path felt so awkward. It felt like I was living a life that didn’t suit me, or like the beginning of a new life going awry.

Disappointed with a day full of frustration, I was waiting for the elevator when my phone rang. Thinking it was another department announcement, I checked the screen and was surprised to see it was Homeroom Teacher.

「Did you check the school website?」

School website? What’s there? Frustrated by the answer that didn’t come to mind, I frowned. Feeling like I should check something, I turned on the internet and searched for the school name. Clicking on the window that soon appeared, an unfamiliar pop-up window appeared. I sighed as soon as I saw it.

“They’ve revised the list of successful applicants.”

As if to show off, the name at the very top, perfect score on the college entrance exam, Kang Jun, Department of Political Science and Diplomacy at Korea University. The school would naturally be proud of such a thing, so they must have posted it now.

“I wish they hadn’t.”

I regretted not keeping it a secret. Moreover, An Jisu was listed below me, just as Homeroom Teacher had said. That’s surprising. Did they rank the order by college entrance exam scores instead of GPA? Shrugging my shoulders, I scrolled down the screen. Below An Jisu were names that were roughly familiar.

“Ha Min-woo also got in. Korean Language and Literature.”

A clear tone rang out. It was the sound of the elevator arriving. Only then did I take my eyes off the screen and press the 4th floor. The quiet space was filled with the noise of the machine moving. I scrolled down one more name when the door quickly opened. I stepped out through the narrowly opened gap. Naturally walking down the hallway, I checked further.

“Park Ha-on barely made it too…… There are more successful applicants this year than last year.”

The principal and vice-principal must be going crazy again. I clicked my tongue and scrolled down the screen further. A name that was becoming increasingly familiar appeared clearly on the screen.

At that moment, the full bag fell to the floor.

The scattered bag spewed out its contents, but I could only stare at the screen in shock.

“……What the fuck is this.”

The screen trembled slightly. The bright screen gradually appeared blurry.

Go Yohan, Department of Economics, Korea University

A light flashed in my head. A memory that had been dormant was slowly replaying like an old movie. Moments that had passed by carelessly were woven together into a panorama.

‘You think you can get into Korea University with your grades?’

‘If it’s the Foreigner Special Admission, maybe.’

‘Huh, foreigner?’

“No way, it can’t be…….”

No way, that was real. That word was real. Why is Go Yohan here? So, the reason he told me to definitely get in back then, was it this? No way. No, it can’t be. I have to check. When was the announcement date for the Foreigner Special Admission? It was a little earlier, I think. I definitely saw it. Was it September? Then what, Go Yohan was already accepted?

“No way. No way……”

My panicked hand dropped the phone I was holding to the floor. My signal of despair collided with the hard floor and bounced up. The phone, which had fallen to the floor, slid across the dirty surface. I raised my head slightly and reached out towards the phone, but someone was standing in front of the dorm door. With a large suitcase.

“……”

A strangely familiar pair of shoes.

Why?

Why is it familiar? Why? Why is it familiar?

Big feet, long legs. My stiff gaze slowly moved up along the legs.

And I heard the sound of my life collapsing. Why does that bastard coincidence always appear at the best time of my life to interfere?

“……Kang Jun?”

“……Go Yohan.”

My lips trembled. I was confused by the unbelievable sight.

“You, you why are you here.”

Why are you in front of my dorm,

“Why are you here, you son of a bitch!”

I screamed. The only blind spot in the world that I couldn’t see, the emotions that had been hiding in the soles of my feet crawled up my body. I wanted to scratch my body. Rather than itching, I wanted to shake off the scabs that had grown on my body.

Because all the causes of my problems are in front of me. But what scares me even more is that Go Yohan is also standing there with a surprised face, not saying anything.

“You, you why……”

Why are you standing there like you’re surprised too.

I can’t trust your expression. I don’t want to be fooled by the liar’s act anymore.

He must have done something. I ignored the reasonable doubt that my stubbornness had sparked. This isn’t some high school where you can do anything with a word. What if it’s just a coincidence, like I said to Shin Jae-hyun?

Then why is it that the coincidence that overlapped was Go Yohan! Why!

There is no calm Kang Jun in this place. There is only a current offender trying to shift the responsibility of a humiliating past. The flames of memory burning with my shame are trying to forcibly pin the blame on you.

“You, you…… What did you do? How are you here? Why are you here!”

Denying what was happening, I took a few steps back. Away from Go Yohan? No, that wasn’t it. I just wanted to believe that I was running away from Go Yohan. In reality, I was running away from my own patheticness. The senses that had been chasing the prey of desire in a thick fog for as long as I had been avoiding Go Yohan were more honest than my head.

“……Why have you lost so much weight? You were already skinny.”

Go Yohan didn’t listen to me and only said what he wanted to say. With a face that looked at me pitifully, a little gaunt, I don’t know why he’s acting like he’s more overwhelmed with emotion. Go Yohan, who had taken a step after me as I stepped back, said in a trembling voice.

“Don’t change the subject!”

My throat strained so much that it hurt.

Don’t worry about useless things. It was a desperate act filled with pity. The lump in the middle of my chest is being sucked into the center of the earth. My emotions followed gravity, and unfortunately, the center of the core was Go Yohan.

“It doesn’t really matter what happens to me anyway…….”

You were just amused by me being played by your selfish tricks. I know. Your lies.

“No, that’s not true.”

I’m annoyed by Go Yohan’s appearance, bowing his head as if he had done something wrong to my words. That precarious expression violently struck my heart and blocked my breath. His truly hypocritically sad eyes followed my gaze. Don’t follow me. I desperately avoided his gaze.

“……It’s not.”

I covered my ears. I shouldn’t listen to any excuses.

“Go.”

With my ears covered roughly, I glared while venting excessive anger. I know it’s an emotional overreaction. But I have a good reason to hate Go Yohan.

“Just go!”

I recited hatred while looking at the bastard who showed no signs of leaving. The answer came from elsewhere.

“Who’s in the hallway? Please be quiet!”

There was a sound of someone hitting the door hard with their fist. The common-sense warning barely cooled my head in an instant. It’s someone I might run into for the next few months. Did they know it was me? Damn it, damn it.

“……Move!”

Unable to bear the shame, I roughly stuffed the things I had spilled on the floor and the fallen phone into the bag and pushed Go Yohan aside. Before he could even turn his head, I quickly pressed the lock code to open the door, came in, and hurriedly closed the door.

“……”

But it’s a pathetic thing. Even after entering the place I thought was safe, I stood in the small entryway where only one person could stand, silently staring at the door. At that time, I was desperately hoping for something.

“Please…… Please no.”

Expectations always betray me. Well, my wishes have never been easily fulfilled even once.

Beep-, Beep-, Beep-, Beep-.

With four simple sounds that felt like they had a slight slow interval, the door opened. My body instinctively left the entryway, and from the small gap, a planet, a hatred, a disaster squeezed in. With eyes that had been fierce with the momentum to destroy me, now filled with sadness and despair.

Go Yohan smiled bitterly as he saw the open lock.

“You haven’t changed your number. The office told me to change my number.”

“……”

“You never change your number. Same with your phone.”

“Don’t come in.”

I reached out and pointed to the entryway.

“Go back right now and apply for move-out.”

Why had the place I had been running away from you become your nest? Why, of all places, here. I was caught up in the shock and made an absurd demand. It was a forced order. And I knew that the crazy bastard I knew wouldn’t listen to me. I trembled with the unfairness that was filling me with tears.

He would definitely say he didn’t want to or be sarcastic. That’s the Go Yohan I know.

Go Yohan opened his mouth, swallowed once, and opened his mouth. Okay, let’s see what kind of excuse he’s going to make. I stood firm, stubbornly. But the words I heard were unbelievable.

“……Okay, I understand.”

“……Huh?”

Okay? Go Yohan? He’s going to leave on his own? Without making any excuses? Confusion grabbed my head, stretched it, and tormented it. It felt like I was caught in a cosmic vortex. It was like I had become a taffy stretched out after falling into a black hole. Why?

“……Why?”

It was a stupid question. Since the plan I had taken for granted had gone wrong in an instant, my confusion was natural. I’m so out of it, but the protagonist of my confusion was so obedient.

“You told me to.”

“Me? You’re doing this because I told you to? You?”

Ha, a light chuckle escaped. If you’re going to say obedient words, at least do it with the right face. One eyebrow is twisted, and the lips are subtly twitching.

I know that expression well. It’s when things don’t go well according to Go Yohan’s plan.

“Don’t play games. You’re the one who tormented me for two years.”

“It wasn’t two years.”

Go Yohan looks at me with a face that seems wronged. Like he’s something. Like he did something.

“It wasn’t all torment.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. That’s what you wanted to believe.”

“……Do you hate me that much?”

Cutting off my words, an urgent voice broke in.

“Since when?”

Is that so curious? I said honestly.

“Since when? I told you, I hated you from the first time I saw you.”

“……Why?”

“Because you’re annoying.”

The hand that had been stubbornly pointing to the entryway slowly went down. Honestly, I didn’t have the energy to hold it up. A voice that was unusually calm and gloomy today, like melted water. A damp and sticky but strangely cold and sad sound. It felt like the original tone that a gloomy and desolate Go Yohan was born with. For the first time, I thought Go Yohan and his voice matched. Very absurdly.

“I really didn’t lie.”

I was about to ask what lie, but I understood the meaning and closed my mouth again.

“……My family really hates me.”

“Really? The people who hate you are so kind to take care of your accident.”

The light-colored eyes become calm. The darkest dawn settled in the damp eyes. I have a duty to hate Go Yohan. And so, sarcasm came out of my mouth easily.

“So you should have thought about your alibi. Were you that desperate for attention?”

In the midst of an uneasy arrogance, Go Yohan nodded with an innocent face. Very confidently.

“……?”

I was flustered and lost my words. I never thought a positive answer would come out here. Go Yohan, who nodded a few times, said shamelessly.

“I was desperate for attention.”

“……”

“I was desperate for your attention.”

Why would he say those words, at this timing. And with that face. Go Yohan seemed to have learned somewhere the most painful way to torment me throughout high school. Or is Go Yohan really a demon who appeared to torment me? Is he a god who is trying to kill me by using the Rosary as a weapon? The terribly tiresome Möbius strip is strangling my neck.

“But it wasn’t a lie.”

“Stop talking.”

My head throbbed, so I raised my hand to block it. Talking to Go Yohan makes me feel like I’m going crazy. If you can’t make a proper excuse anyway, at least don’t be shameless. Why do you put on all kinds of innocent faces and then tell obvious lies with your mouth?

“Stop talking…….”

I grabbed my forehead and raised my gaze. Then I ended up seeing Go Yohan’s lips above my eyes. It was a mistake. Ah, oh no. The lingering sensation that remained in my memory pressed down on me. I hurriedly turned my head and blurted out whatever came to mind.

“I don’t want to hear an excuse that will be a lie anyway. I have no proof to believe that your words are true.”

“……”

There is no answer.

Strangely, when I raised my head again at the quiet reaction, I met Go Yohan’s eyes, who had his lips pressed into a straight line and was shedding wronged tears. But the tightly closed lips were never opened.

“……”

“……”

His hands, which were so strained, were noticeably pale. The subtle moisture in his gloomy eyes must be because he’s wronged. Why is he acting like he’s about to cry. But for some reason, that bothers me. What is he so wronged about, what does he want to excuse?

“You listen so well. You.”

“You told me to.”

Is that foolishness of following my words to the letter without malice really sincere?

“Someone who hasn’t done anything wrong listens to other people so well?”

It was somehow an awkward thing to say. Even after spitting it out, it felt rough, and he bit his lip. He couldn’t help but feel pathetic for bringing up a topic he had been avoiding by claiming a headache.

You idiot.

What was even more embarrassing was that Go Yohan had caught his expression. He widened his eyes with a dizzying look. He had completely revealed that he was the one obsessed with that incident. His face flushed with shame. Go Yohan, who met his gaze, flinched slightly, twitched his lip, and then opened his mouth.

“Where have you been all this time?”

Such a nice act. Thank you so much for pretending not to know. You bad kid.

“Why do you care?”

“Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

There was a thorn in his ordinary words. The subtly barbed words bothered him.

“The Homeroom Teacher doesn’t know, the guys you know don’t know you, why are you so…”

There was a pause. It was a brief moment for Go Yohan to suppress his emotions. In that fleeting moment, he could hear the sound of a desperate effort to suppress the emotions that were swelling up as if about to burst. It was the sound of Go Yohan taking a breath.

“Why don’t you know anything?”

“……”

“Why don’t you even know me? And you’re so good at studying.”

What was he thinking then? Looking back, it was regret. Go Yohan always tormented him in various ways.

“I prayed a lot. To let me see you.”

“……Why?”

“I have something to say.”

What was he going to say? He deliberately avoided his gaze, but the persistently approaching eyes were uncomfortable. The gaze he tried not to meet naturally turned to his arm. Come to think of it, he had always followed Go Yohan’s Rosary. What was it that bothered him so much?

“So what?”

But Go Yohan, a devout Catholic, was missing the symbol of faith that should have been on his wrist. Rather, the empty arm looked desolate. He was a little taken aback. He didn’t know why he was taken aback.

Was it because of the fixed idea that Go Yohan had to believe in something?

“Wait, where’s your Rosary?”

“Ah, this?”

Go Yohan raised his arm, revealing his wrist. As expected, the Rosary that always dangled was gone. It wasn’t his imagination. His gloomy gaze scanned the empty wrist.

“I threw it away.”

“Why would you do that…”

“God is a liar. He’s just doing whatever he wants. If you look closely, he only does what he wants. He gives you hope and then brings you a hell full of trials. He torments you.”

In the midst of all that, he had a ridiculous thought. It was funny that Go Yohan was the one saying that.

“I thought he answered my prayers when I saw you at the graduation ceremony…”

Graduation ceremony. The events of that time naturally grabbed his head roughly. He didn’t want to hear it. He desperately shook his head. Don’t.

“Don’t talk about that.”

“So I said thank you, thank you.”

“I said don’t talk about that!”

“Okay, I’m sorry. I won’t.”

The story of the graduation ceremony was a memory he didn’t have. He desperately believed that. His first kiss. A memory that was like a fool. He unfairly blamed Go Yohan for the nightmare that stuck to him like sticky glue and wouldn’t come off.

“Okay, now get out.”

“……”

“Or should I leave?”

His long fingers fumbled with the lock in a foolish way. Slowly, slowly. Go Yohan, who answered ‘no,’ hesitated and kept turning around to look at him, unlike his words. With eyes overflowing with regret. That gaze soaked him from his legs to his head. He felt like his shabby body was getting wet.

…Please, just get out.

He cried out inwardly. His invisible flesh was rotting away like a cavity. Please, please, please… While he believed he was righteous, the shady stalker followed Go Yohan again.

His brilliant future was being tainted. Ah, please… He was the one who really needed God.

His fingers, full of regret, scratched at the lock pitifully, leaving his presence all over the room. The small room, barely a few square feet, was filled with Go Yohan.

This wasn’t what he wanted.

He silently sent a persistent gaze without saying anything. It was filled with his dawn and countless resentments. Go Yohan didn’t avoid his deep, unfortunate emotions. Rather, he welcomed them, acting intimately. And in the end, Go Yohan didn’t listen to him. As always, he did it again.

“Shin Jae-hyun is a bad guy.”

Those were the words Go Yohan said as soon as he cheered from the bottom of his heart at the sight of the very small gap that had opened. The cheers fell deep into the sea and remained as a miserable ember. Damn it.

“What’s that all of a sudden?”

“I got a little angry, and he was the first to say that you were going to enter the dorm.”

Then, after a short pause, he muttered to himself as if he was caught red-handed.

“…I didn’t hit him.”

As if that was something to say! He was dumbfounded, and the overwhelming breath made his body shake. Go Yohan must have thought it was an opportunity, because he quickly closed the door and stared at him intently.

“Shin Jae-hyun is a cowardly opportunist. So don’t be close with that bastard.”

“……”

“Got it? Don’t even associate with him.”

“Okay.”

Go Yohan’s face bloomed like a flower at his words. Sunlight entered his gloomy face. Sunlight entered the dorm where mice were coming and going. In addition, his stomach was churning and nauseous. Go Yohan had the talent to move thousands of butterflies into his stomach.

“Get out first. It doesn’t mean I’m going to be close with you either.”

“……”

As soon as he finished speaking, the blooming flower withered miserably. His gloomy fingertips scratched the lock sadly. As if he was doing it to take away all of his attention.

“Don’t ever act like you know me again.”

“……”

…Al, right. A small voice whispered as if dying.

The door opened and closed. When the sound of wheels faintly disappeared down the hallway, he was finally able to take his feet off the floor and jump into bed. He buried his face in the blanket and screamed. The screams spread out without a sound so as not to be heard.

“Damn it, why me…”

Why isn’t there a decent human being next to him? Is it because he’s not a decent human being?

It was a late afternoon.

The department announcements rang noisily twice a day. The department representative, who had been appointed without his knowledge, left a message saying that there was a booklet distributed by the school, so each person should stop by the department office and pick one up. Even then, he didn’t know that the booklet was not important at all. It was only after he stopped by the office and saw the booklets piled up in a box that he realized he had done something useless.

Even while regretting that he had done something unnecessary, he took the booklet. It was because his unnecessary caution had become a habit. The department assistant, who had been glancing at his face ever since he came in, called him. He had been watching him so openly that he was waiting for him to say something.

“Excuse me, are you Kang Jun… student? Are you a freshman in our department?”

“Yes.”

To be honest, he was very surprised. How could he accurately pick out his name when there were more than 50 freshmen? It would be absolutely impossible unless he knew his face and deliberately memorized it. So he asked with a little caution, but what the assistant said after that was even more suspicious.

“Is there anyone who might be looking for you?”

“Me?”

“No, someone who’s looking for you.”

In a flash, Go Yohan flashed through his mind. And he was sure. It was the result of his full of distrust. His expression gradually hardened, and his head became colder and colder.

He was really sick of it now.

“Did someone look for me?”

“Yes, a little while ago. It was really just now. It was a few minutes ago. Right?”

“Yeah, about 15 minutes ago?”

“It was 15 minutes ago.”

The assistant asked another assistant sitting next to him for the time as if to show that his words were true, and only after hearing the specific time of 15 minutes ago, as he said, did he look at him with a satisfied face. But the satisfaction soon turned into worry. It was clear that he had quickly noticed the situation as soon as he saw his expression.

“First of all, we sent him away saying that we can’t give out personal information. We didn’t leak anything.”

“Was he a tall man?”

“Are you two acquainted?”

“…I think it’s someone I know.”

“I see. Then try to contact him. He seemed a little… urgent.”

“…Yes, thank you for your trouble.”

Ye-es. The assistant stretched out his answer and sat down. His gaze had already left him and was directed at the monitor. After briefly scanning the monitor, the assistant nudged the assistant sitting next to him. Then he made eye contact with him. In that awkward situation, they both bowed their heads to each other. It was a very uncomfortable greeting.

He thought as he closed the office door. He thought that college was a place where you had to do a lot of uncomfortable greetings. The trivial thoughts soon led to Go Yohan.

“You son of a bitch.”

What was he trying to do again? The intention of asking at the office was obvious. He was trying to find out what lectures he was taking. But then again, he thought it was something Go Yohan wouldn’t do. He knew very well that even if he asked the department office, they wouldn’t tell him because it was personal information. Moreover, due to the nature of the small space where several people worked, the story would come out, and it was obvious that the story would reach his ears, who was in the same department. Even though he liked flashy things, he wasn’t the kind of guy who would do such a stupid thing.

“…But still, he was definitely strange yesterday.”

Go Yohan, whom he saw for the first time since that day, which was the worst to even mention, had really changed strangely. He wasn’t used to the change, so he simply assumed it was some kind of trick. In fact, he couldn’t deny that it was the easiest way to think.

So he was convinced that Go Yohan was the culprit. After he was done organizing his thoughts, he ignored him. He knew early on that there was no point in paying attention to him. But the ignoring didn’t last long. It was because more than three classmates sent him messages to his number in the announcement.

「Hi, I’m Im Yena, same grade as you. I don’t know your number, so I’m just sending you a personal message. Just in case… a guy asked me where you were, so I just roughly told him that you didn’t come to class today.」

「I’m sorry all of a sudden, but someone was looking for you. I’m sending you a message just to let you know.」

「You’re Kang Jun in our grade, right? Someone was looking for you?」

Why are they doing this? The three messages, which were so kind that they were burdensome, made him feel nauseous. Weren’t they the same people who would just glance at him or pass by with an awkward smile just a few days ago?

There are two answers in this case. Either they want something from him, or the guy who’s asking is obviously out of his mind. But there’s no way they would want something from someone they don’t even know properly. Knowing that well, he slowly checked the people who sent the messages. Two women, one man. The man even had a photo of himself enthusiastically volunteering with his friends. He was at least his age, but if he was someone who was so proud of volunteering, it was obvious. He must be someone with a great sense of Moral obligation and full of humanity, like someone else.

Then there’s only one answer. The latter. The bastard who’s looking for him is objectively out of his mind. And the only crazy bastard he knows is Go Yohan.

“What the hell is he trying to do…”

With nowhere to go, he quietly sat on a bench behind the building where no one was around and racked his brains. The wooden chair smelled of old cigarettes. All of this was no different from high school, which made him even more annoyed.

It was strange. Go Yohan wasn’t usually such a reckless bastard.

Go Yohan was unusually different from others. He was indescribably sinister, had a gloomy side, and all his actions were irregular. If you were to define him in a dictionary, Go Yohan was a non-existent word. A concept that couldn’t be defined and couldn’t be found if you tried to find it. That was Go Yohan.

It was that Go Yohan who drove him crazy, and it was also Go Yohan who kept him from growing.

“What is he thinking… Ah.”

Anxious, he touched his mouth with his hand and unconsciously felt himself biting his finger again. Again, damn it. He frowned and deliberately bit his index finger, which was already full of wounds.

“Ah! Damn it…, damn it!”

It’s all because of that Go Yohan. The reason he kissed was just because Go Yohan was a son of a bitch. He didn’t want to find any other reason. When he blamed it in a secluded place where people didn’t often appear, his mind would calm down, but it was especially difficult to calm his stomach today.

And this reason is also because of Go Yohan.

It’s because of yesterday, because of last night. Those gloomy and sad eyes, the face that seemed to have let go of something but hadn’t. The bastard who pretended to listen to his words and left, but actually scattered himself in the room.

As a result, he was endlessly tormented and found the presence that tormented him again. Isn’t it ironic? He didn’t even bother to save the number, but his hand naturally pressed the number. The dial tone continued and then stopped abruptly. At that moment, he blurted out.

“Hey.”

-Who… Jun?

“What are you doing right now?”

-Are you Jun? Is this your number? Did you change your number?

“Don’t talk nonsense, I’m asking you what you’re doing right now!”

But the words he heard over the speaker were hopelessly empty.

-What are you talking about?

“Stop pretending you don’t know. Who else here would do something like this besides you?”

-Where are you? Can I go there?

“Don’t come. I know all your tricks.”

His words, which were already sensitive, were sharpened. But the voice coming from the receiver was unusually subdued, unlike Go Yohan’s usual voice.

-That’s not it.

He was annoyed by that even more. He was just annoyed by the fact that Go Yohan was subdued. He hated the fact that he himself was feeling his irony. He just hated himself.

“That’s not it, you’ve been stirring things up noisily since this morning.”

-Stirring things up? Jun-ah.

“The people at the university are so kind, they all tell me that you’re looking for me, even people I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re trying to do by meeting me-”

-Jun-ah, that wasn’t me.

“What?”

Then who is this crazy…

The words he was about to say came to mind, but they were erased before he could open his mouth. It was because the questions that had been piling up hit his head hard. Yeah, he’d been saying that all along. It couldn’t be Go Yohan. Go Yohan wouldn’t do such a simple and stupid thing. The false accusation that he had covered up as a way to vent his anger whispered. Your narrow-mindedness has made a mistake.

His nape became chilly in an instant. Then who is it really?

-…Where are you now?

Who’s looking for him so frantically? Lightning struck his head, which was in a storm. In the midst of confusion, humans instinctively look for answers. The flashing thoughts went deep into the sea and began to sort out the most plausible person again.

Han Jun-woo? That’s ridiculous, Han Tae-san? That’s even more ridiculous. Shin Jae-hyun? There’s no way. An Jisu? Why would she? The people he forcibly pulled out of his narrow relationships were all unrelated. The thoughts that went deeper into the bottom suddenly found a few messages he had received before he ran away.

“Ah…”

「You son of a bitch. Are you happy? I’m going to slash your fucking face with hydrochloric acid and make it into a rag.」

That message that he scoffed at and ignored as soon as he saw it.

-Hey.

He heard footsteps. The thought he had at that time was really stupid. ‘Oh, right. That guy said he hadn’t left the office long ago. Then he must still be in the building.’ It was really a leisurely sound.

People instinctively find their place. Because they know the place that suits them. Therefore, when something happens, when they want to find something, they look for the most familiar place. For him, it was a place where no one could find him, and for someone else, it was a place where they committed a slightly dangerous act of rebellion.

There was a different smell of cigarettes that he was familiar with. Go Yohan doesn’t smoke, at least. At least the rebel he knew, the vengeful rebel who could send that message…

-Where are you!

“I’m behind the College of Liberal Arts building…”

Before he turned around, his mouth moved on its own. The approaching footsteps were familiar. They say people have different footsteps like fingerprints. Is that why he knows?

“Wow, you fucking were here. You fucking bastard.”

The person at the end of the turn was Kim Min-ho.

The phone plummeted to the floor. He heard Go Yohan screaming softly, really softly, but he was the only one who heard it.

“Why the hell are you here…”

“Why am I here, you son of a bitch. The school website was practically bragging, telling me to come find you. You fucking bastard. You hid it so well, then as soon as I got into college, you plastered your name all over the place. Perfect score on the college entrance exam, Kang Jun, Political Science and Diplomacy at Korea University. You, you little shit? Why? Scared?”

Kaak, tooey. A glob of sticky spit, thick with phlegm, landed on the dirt ground. Looking at the unpleasantly wet ground, I had to admit it. I understood why classmates I didn’t even know were worried about me. They must have sensed it too. Kim Min-ho reeked of the sewers. It was the smell of the bottom, the kind I never thought I’d encounter at college. And there was animosity. His bloodshot eyes clearly shone with a blatant intention.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, the two of you together, you bastards… The most famous university in Korea. Fucking university? Hey, I saw it on the way here, the school’s nice. How fucking big does it have to be for buses to be driving around inside? No wonder so many politicians come out of here, so many rich people, so many great people. Right? You’re really something.”

“Hey… Kim Min-ho.”

“I’m a fucking middle school dropout with missing teeth. What, nobody fucking listens to me, and because of what Go Yohan said, I got screwed over and kicked out? And you two ruin my life and then go to Korea University together? You sons of bitches, is it so great to be born with good parents and live life however you want? Fucking hell, just born with a good umbilical cord and sucking off your parents, must be so sweet. Right?”

He’s gone mad. He was never right in the head to begin with, but now he’s not even in that state of not being right in the head. It felt like I was facing a rabid dog, mouth open, ready to bite. He looked like he might even start foaming at the mouth. What’s scarier than a strong guy is a crazy one.

“How much money did that Lee Seok-hyun eat up, keeping his mouth shut? They said he moved, to some fucking great place? But why didn’t I get any? You sons of bitches? Lee Seok-hyun gets paid, and I’m just a beggar?”

“…Min-ho.”

I took a few steps back. But as much as I moved away, Kim Min-ho moved closer.

“My mom cried. Because of me. Your mom must have cried too? Because of you? Out of joy? So fucking happy? My mom cried because she hated me so much. Cried because my life was ruined. Cried because the life she bet on with a discarded card failed. I couldn’t even get my impacted tooth fixed because of Go Yohan. Because I didn’t have any money. But Go Yohan didn’t even give me compensation? Han Jun-woo must have gotten it, right? That guy’s got a lot of money. Rich bastards, all of them.”

The way he was dragging his feet across the ground showed just how out of his mind he was. The way he was coming at me with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie was also unsettling. He even smelled musty.

I quickly scanned my surroundings, but there was nothing to be seen. Tension soaked my body. I could see my phone, but bending down like that would be suicide. Who knows what he’d do in the moment I took my eyes off him… I glared and focused my mind. I had to resolve this. Somehow.

“Kim Min-ho, I understand why you’re angry at me, but just listen to me for a second…”

“Listen to you? Fucking hell, when has anything good ever come of listening to you?”

Kaak—tooey. The spit flew towards the ground again.

“You’re always the only one who gets away.”

“…Let’s talk with your hands out of your pockets.”

“Take them out? What, you’re worried about what might be in here?”

Kim Min-ho twisted his body in an abnormally grotesque way. It was like he was showing off his strength. That blatant boasting also had the purpose of intimidation. Kim Min-ho was definitely chuckling as he looked at me. He was enjoying the sight of me flinching.

“Hey, but why are you so scared? What do you think is in here?”

“Min-ho, I’m sorry about what happened back then. Let’s talk about it calmly. I’ll explain everything. Is there something you want from me? Is there a reason you’re doing this?”

“A reason? I’ve got plenty of reasons, you little shit.”

Then what is it, you son of a bitch. I suppressed the feeling that was about to make me burst out with curses and forced a smile.

“What is it? Tell me everything.”

“What else, I’m going to fuck you up and then die. You fucking gay bastard.”

“…Hey.”

The real Kim Min-ho was beyond saving from the first time I met him. I never thought it would continue all the way to college. And in such a troublesome way. First, I took a deep breath so it wouldn’t show. I continued to speak as calmly as possible. Let’s buy some time. Even though it’s a deserted path, someone will pass by eventually.

“I had my reasons back then. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t lie, you little shit. I know you’re not sorry at all.”

“No, I’m really sorry. So tell me everything you want. I’ll listen.”

“Really?”

With a rustling sound, Kim Min-ho’s hand moved. From the large, deep pocket, his true intention finally emerged.

“Then take one hit from this.”

It was a familiar bottle. There was no idiot who didn’t recognize that transparent green glass bottle.

“…A soju bottle?”

“Yep. Just take one hit from this. It’s my wish. If you’re sorry, you can do that much, right?”

My brow furrowed slightly. Judging from the way he was smirking, that wasn’t soju.

“…Hey. That’s not soju.”

“It is soju. You like this kind of thing now that you’re an adult? You can even buy alcohol at the convenience store.”

“Min-ho.”

“Stop pretending to be friendly and calling me by my first name. It makes me want to puke, you dirty gay bastard. If it weren’t for you, if it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be in this state. Fucking hell, Go Yohan has been ruined ever since he was in the same class as you. That bastard was just a stupid, strong idiot until the first grade, but he became a fucking son of a bitch after he was in the same class as you. Now that I think about it, you’re the worst, you son of a bitch.”

“…Min-ho.”

“Shut your mouth, honestly, I don’t think I can do anything to Go Yohan? Ah, I realized it while getting beaten up. That bastard was born that way. Born to beat people to death. His fists are just different from the start. I can’t beat that bastard no matter what. But it’s not the same for you, right? I think it’s possible with you. I figured I could somehow fuck up a weak, all-talk guy like you.”

“……”

“So, I’m just going to ruin your life and go. Otherwise, I won’t be able to live with the injustice.”

“…Don’t make a choice you’ll regret. And Go Yohan isn’t someone who’d be hurt by something like that, anyway. Let’s think calmly. Huh?”

“What are you talking about, you idiot still doesn’t know Go Yohan.”

Kim Min-ho’s steps had stopped by now. I could only stare at Kim Min-ho, who was blocking my way, with my breath caught in my throat. A shadow fell over Kim Min-ho’s face. And a mean smile spread across his face, twisted with resentment. As if he was very happy.

“Go Yohan really likes your face, you know?”

“……”

“I hope you both live in misery for the rest of your lives every time you see your melted faces, you sons of bitches.”

With those words, the soju bottle, with its cap half-removed, left his hand. It flew from afar. I reflexively raised my hand. It must have been a desperate attempt to block the flying bottle. Time flowed slowly. Like a stretched-out tape. However, the problem was that my body was moving in the same way as time. I should have just dodged it. I couldn’t dodge a bottle that I could have dodged.

As I stared at the bottle growing larger in my vision, I thought.

Why me of all people. Why is that bastard’s hatred directed at me? Why should I be the target of a coward who was too afraid to even touch Go Yohan?

My body, realizing that I couldn’t avoid it, closed my eyes. As if irresponsibly trying to avoid the situation that was about to come. But the moment I closed my eyes, something covered my body. Fortunately, it wasn’t the bottle, nor the liquid inside.

It was a very warm body.

Suddenly, I opened my eyes. There was no pain, only a heavy weight pressing down on me. In front of me was a body wearing only a thin dress shirt and the dirt ground. When I turned my head, a familiar scent and an unfamiliar smell were mixed together. Like Pavlov’s dog, I reacted to the scent.

“…Go Yohan?”

I pushed the upper body pressing down on me with all my might and looked at Go Yohan’s face. The eyes I met were writhing in pain. The small pupils were shaking violently. Go Yohan, who had fallen over as I pushed him, frowned and rolled on the ground.

“Ugh…”

It was a low, quiet scream. Anxiety became a blade and cut my throat. I stopped getting up and crawled towards Go Yohan. Something was wrong, something was wrong. The smell was also strange.

“Hey, wait a second.”

“Fucking hell, that son of a bitch dared to…”

Go Yohan cursed and turned his body over to get up. Only then could I see what had happened, what Go Yohan had blocked, what he had blocked instead of me. Go Yohan’s shoulder was swollen red, almost grotesquely. The more terrible fact was that the process of the clothes melting was visible to the eye. Wet sand was stuck to it in between.

“Go Yohan!”

Go Yohan. The psycho who pulled out his dangling teeth with his own hands. The unparalleled psychopath who enjoyed shocking others more than the pain he felt.

But was that really what Go Yohan intended? Or was that the way Go Yohan had lived? The days I pondered were short, and I only knew the answer after many days had passed. I knew it when he bared his battered back and punched Kim Min-ho in the face. That was Go Yohan’s way of life.

“H, Handphone.”

And my way of life was always suspicion and coping. Rather than stopping Go Yohan, I looked for my phone. 1, 1, 9. I pressed the three numbers firmly and put it to my ear. My hands were shaking so much that the phone kept hitting my temple. The moment I was connected, I said without a moment’s hesitation.

“H, here, it’s the first floor of the Social Sciences building at Korea University.”

My anxious gaze landed on his back, which was starting to swell up red. And on Go Yohan, who was half out of his mind and punching like a madman.

“This fucking, son of a bitch, dared to… You fucking son of a bitch…!”

I hurriedly got up. To stop the hand that was madly slapping the face that seemed to be unconscious. And this time it wasn’t help for Kim Min-ho. My hand grabbed the arm that was mercilessly destroying Kim Min-ho’s face with all its might.

“T, there’s been an… accident.”

I dragged Go Yohan to the first-floor bathroom without thinking. His mouth, which had always spouted nonsense, was half-bitten and bleeding, and his eyes were gone. That one change explained the pain he was in.

“…Ugh.”

“J, just wait a second.”

I put his heavy body down on the floor and frantically looked around. A thin storage room door caught my eye. I hurriedly unlatched the latch and opened the door. There was a faucet for washing rags. Fortunately, it had a hose attached.

There was no time to hesitate. I hurriedly turned on the faucet and picked up the hose. And I aimed the stream of water precisely at the part that was swelling up red. The moment the water touched him, Go Yohan screamed. It was a desperate scream that could not be expressed in words. The fingertips resting on the sink turned white.

“You have to wash it, you have to wash it off.”

Go Yohan’s hands clung to the old sink, shaking palely. His arms were white as death from how much strength he was using. A small stream of water poured onto his back. I said it convincingly, but my hands were trembling like aspen leaves.

“…Ah, it hurts.”

“……”

“Fucking hell, it hurts so much.”

Go Yohan, whose face could not be seen, Go Yohan, who was hanging on to the sink with his head bowed and barely holding up his back. I bit my lip as I looked at his back, where the red flesh with the skin peeled off was burning. Every time I saw the traces of the pieces of clothing stuck to his back, my legs went numb. I felt like the inside of my thighs was twisting.

“It hurts…”

I have never given stupid comfort. The price of my comfort was high. Because I knew very well that nothing would change even if I gave comfort. What was always more important to me than comfort was practical help.

But now I was selling my comfort cheap. Cheap comfort was all I could do.

“I, I called an ambulance here. It’ll be here soon… Soon…”

I don’t know how much time has passed.

As I was scattering cheap sympathy with trembling lips, paramedics appeared with loud footsteps. They quickly pushed me and Go Yohan into the ambulance and asked us questions.

But Go Yohan only groaned in pain, and I mostly just said, “I don’t know.” Pathetic. What do I know about Go Yohan? I had to blame myself if I wanted to resent anyone. I felt like I was going crazy because I couldn’t think of anything.

“Then do you know this student’s guardian’s number?”

“Ah, no, well, my parents know it…”

“Please call and contact the guardian quickly.”

Without even giving me time to answer, I fumbled in my pocket. But I couldn’t feel any hard traces anywhere on my body. Embarrassment washed over me.

“M, my phone is gone.”

“Yes?”

“I was going to put water on the wound, so I was looking for the hose, and…”

“You don’t mean you left it in the bathroom?”

Only then did the memory become clear. After running into the bathroom, I put my phone on the sink to find the hose. And I sprayed water… As soon as the paramedics arrived, I followed them out without having time to grab it.

“Yohan, your phone…”

Just as I was about to go crazy, I turned my head to talk to Go Yohan, but there was no answer. Since the injured area was his back, I couldn’t see his condition because he was lying face down. He was just unresponsive like a corpse.

“Go… Yohan?”

“Please step aside!”

My body was pushed back, and a paramedic checked something. I don’t remember well what happened after that. There was no reason for the paramedic to explain the situation to me.

All I knew was that Go Yohan had lost consciousness. And that I had heard the word “shock.”

“Please answer the phone later if the guardian calls.”

Looking at Go Yohan’s phone, which the paramedic had taken out at some point, I felt my powerlessness. Knowing that I had nothing to gain, no more questions were asked.

Sitting in the corner of the ambulance, looking at Go Yohan, who was not moving at all, I realized what it felt like to have my heart blocked. Endless despair and powerlessness. A heaviness that could not be compared to bullying pressed down on me.

‘That’s why people have to live kindly.’

Go Yohan’s voice rang out. The uselessly held phone only trembled. Live kindly. Just live kindly. A son of a bitch who even believes in God. Without realizing it, I forced my teeth, which were clattering together, to clench.

Go Yohan’s arm fell limply. I turned my head sharply at the sound of his will-less hand hitting the floor. The Rosary was no longer on Go Yohan’s wrist, which was now fully exposed.

Because of me, he threw away the Rosary because of me. At that moment, my whole body trembled.

“…Go Yohan was really lucky.”

What am I saying? My body was trembling so much that it hurt all over. All my muscles were shriveling up. I had muscle pain that was squeezing me. My mind was looking for something to rely on. That was the phone in my hand. Just because it was in my hand, I clung to that object.

“Go Yohan believed in God so terribly, whether he was God or not.”

There were three people in that space, but no one was listening to me. But my mouth was muttering something as if trying to find my mind.

I grabbed the phone as if it would burst. I know it too. I was just looking for someone to blame.

‘Why me of all people. Not Go Yohan, but me.’

I didn’t want to admit the words I had thought at that moment. No, if I had been hit by all that liquid, that resentment might have been valid. But it wasn’t me. Go Yohan took the hit instead. I wasn’t hurt at all. The price for that came as punishment.

Vivid pain gnawed at my mind. Endless guilt grabbed my hair and pulled me up. The pain that felt like my head was being pulled out consumed my thoughts. So, in order to survive, I resented.

“If he believed in him that much, he should have been a little lenient, he should have helped a little…”

Unable to even look at Go Yohan, I sobbed silently in the midst of the quiet pandemonium. And it was an instant. The moment my finger touched the bottom of the phone, something unbelievable happened.

“Uh…”

Through my blurry vision, I could see the screen turning on. And suddenly, the heinous act I had committed came to mind.

“Ah, that’s right…”

I had registered my fingerprint on Go Yohan’s phone. Right.

The brightly shining screen slowly darkened towards me.

The question of why I hadn’t even thought to use Go Yohan’s fingerprints didn’t even occur to me. Why didn’t even the paramedics tell me? Or did I not hear them? I was so idiotic that I didn’t know anything.

I am cowardly to the end. Was the heavy responsibility that came to me too much? Or was I trying to postpone the worst reality that was rushing in like a storm, even for a little while? In any case, there is no excuse for the coward who ran away from the hospital as soon as Go Yohan’s Mother appeared.

However, I knew that I couldn’t escape anyway when I stood at the crosswalk in front of the hospital for more than 30 minutes, watching the green light change dozens of times. The word “Surgery in Progress,” glowing red in my head, chased after me.

The white line drawn on the ground grabbed my ankle.

“…….”

I’m not a car, so why am I stopped at the stop line? I guess I can’t cross this line after all. Realizing this, I turned around. Then I squatted down at the entrance of the emergency room, which was crowded with people.

In that confusion, I went to see Go Yohan in the evening. It was after everything was over.

I was so out of my mind that I didn’t even know what had happened. I went to the reception desk in a disheveled state and asked, and they only told me that the surgery was successful. But the cowardly guilt didn’t disappear and tormented me in another way.

In particular, the man standing at the entrance of the ward, silently watching the closed door, was also my fear.

“……Ah.”

Damn it, I ended up running into him like this.

“You’ve come.”

I looked at Go Yohan’s Father with half-devastated eyes. He frowned slightly, but spoke to me in a very comfortable tone.

“You look terrible.”

“……Pardon?”

“You should go wash your face.”

At those words, I hurriedly turned my head and reflected my face in the window. Only then could I understand his words. I looked like a monster. My bloated skin was disgusting. My face flushed, and I covered it with the back of my hand.

“You have too much sympathy.”

I wondered if he was talking to me, so I slightly raised my covered face. The moment our eyes met, I couldn’t help but avoid his gaze. He looked just like Go Yohan, no matter how I looked at him. It would be more accurate to say that Go Yohan resembled his Father, but the resemblance was eerily uncanny.

“…….”

The tall figure, like a future Go Yohan, stood upright, looking down at me askance. He was talking to me. But the reason I misunderstood was because of the subtly belittling nuance.

“I raised him well in my own way, but he’s too weak.”

Is he talking about me, or is he talking about Go Yohan? I couldn’t understand his words at all, so I couldn’t even argue. It seemed that the only action allowed to me was to stare blankly at the floor like a sinner.

“Don’t worry. It was neutralized. The response wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad either.”

“…….”

“Washing it with water was good, but the water pressure was too strong, so the wound spread even more. And I heard that the fabric melted and mixed with the skin, damaging even below the skin, and the scar will probably last a lifetime. Thanks to the damaged nerves, your fingers will also tremble.”

“N-Nerves?”

“By the way, Jun-ah, did you enjoy your winter vacation?”

It was a very random question. I couldn’t even understand the intention of asking this in this situation. I just widened my eyes and asked back.

“Pardon?”

“Judging by the fact that you’ve lost some weight, it doesn’t seem like it was a very good vacation.”

“Ah…….”

I nodded as if I were possessed by something.

“……Yes.”

“That.”

There is a gaze looking down at me silently. How could I lift my head in front of that gaze? It felt like someone was pressing down hard on the back of my head. I only looked at the floor. All I could see below was Go Yohan’s Father’s black leather gloves. They were luxurious and of good quality, as always.

A long coat, long pants, and leather shoes. There wasn’t a single corner that showed what was inside. Everything was black and murky. The soft, hard heels lightly tapped the hospital floor. It was an action that resembled Go Yohan when he wanted to focus attention. Go Yohan often made a sound by tapping his fingers together when he wanted to gather attention.

As I had seen him do before, he slowly took off his gloves. The high-quality leather revealed long fingers. A well-polished silver ring could be seen between his fingers. A low, sonorous voice flowed out belatedly.

“It’s a pity.”

Does he really feel sorry for me? I can’t know for sure right now. Just turned twenty, I just really missed my parents. Not Go Yohan’s parents, but my own. A mixture of sorrow and guilt welled up in my eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? Do you think I’m angry?”

The reaction I got when I barely managed to squeeze out a tear-soaked voice and bowed my head was so different from what I expected. I was flustered, and he was dumbfounded. Without realizing it, I lifted my head and met his eyes, which were so deep and dark. Eyes that didn’t reveal what he was thinking at all. Those eyes smiled slightly and said.

“I hope you don’t fear me so much. I’m generous, you know.”

“……Pardon?”

“Everyone makes mistakes.”

Usually, in this situation, wouldn’t there be a Bible-like story that says, ‘Don’t be tormented by mistakes that everyone makes’? But the words of the person who gave blood to Go Yohan were completely different from the Bible.

“Even if you start on the same line, the rank and prize you receive at the end are already determined, so you have to wait for mistakes.”

It was a value system that exceeded my imagination. This was Go Yohan’s blood. A hand wearing a black leather glove slowly swept back my bangs. I just stared at that kindness with hardened eyes.

“So mistakes are lovely.”

“…….”

“Of course, only the mistakes I didn’t make.”

Hearing those words, I fell into an even deeper, more waterlogged swamp. Moss clung to my arms and legs.

“Jun-i has become a lovely existence to that bastard.”

I couldn’t even say I was sorry, and I was busy forcing myself to breathe, crushed by the overwhelming weight. The silence drowned out even the sound of the clock hands moving. I felt like this wasn’t a hospital hallway, but a road to a funeral home.

A heavy silence flowed. While even my breathing was scraping the floor, a reckless act stemming from emotions that I didn’t know whether were pity, guilt, or lingering feelings tickled my lips. It was a situation where I should have kept my mouth shut, but I knew that if I didn’t say it now, I wouldn’t be able to. I didn’t have the confidence to find Go Yohan’s Father on my own.

If I met Go Yohan’s Father after today, I would need a big decision. Only then would I be able to face him. It was that heavy. So I mustered my courage now.

“……Um, can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“Do, do you love Go Yohan?”

Go Yohan’s Father lightly pressed his sonorous forehead with his index finger after hearing my words. His mouth, hidden by his coat sleeve, was clearly smiling slightly. A small chill ran down my spine at the sight of that smile. The benevolence that floated on his slightly raised lips brought terror. I thought it didn’t make sense. That’s not the smile a parent should have. The cause of making his own son half-crippled is right in front of him.

“I do love him, he’s my son.”

Then was Go Rosa’s words true after all? Just as a huge wall was about to be built in front of me, Go Yohan’s Father continued.

“But second.”

“……Pardon?”

“If I had to, well… yes, second among my children.”

“……In order of birth?”

“Don’t be absurd.”

A plain heavily covered with snow, a place where all you can see is snow even if you look around, and a place where you feel like you’ll fall into a deep cliff hidden by the snow if you step on the ground. If Go Yohan’s Father became nature, I dare to guess that it would be such a place.

A man who openly displays the order of his children.

“Can you rank them?”

“Why can’t I?”

“There’s no finger that doesn’t hurt when you bite it…….”

“Ah.”

The lips that seemed like they would be closed forever slightly lifted. I suddenly turned my gaze away in a hurry. The smiling face that flashed for a moment resembled Go Yohan, as expected. Actually, Go Yohan must resemble him. But even though they resembled each other so much, Go Yohan was second. Why? Confused questions consumed me. And the moment the sonorous voice opened its mouth, I woke up from the consumption.

“There are no fingers that don’t hurt, but the finger that wears the ring is determined.”

“……Th, then who wears the ring?”

It was pure curiosity. There was also a slight resentment. As the same child, as a child like Go Yohan. I asked a question that a child would naturally be curious about.

“That.”

Go Yohan’s Father lifted his head and looked down at me.

“I should be the only one who knows.”

His long fingers put on the gloves he had taken off. It was as if the world had only slowed down his moment. I just watched the process. I couldn’t even dare to look at his face. Something came down from above my field of vision. I lifted my head. Go Yohan’s Father was handing me something.

“……This is.”

“Is your birthday early or something?”

“Ah, no.”

“Then it’ll be okay.”

It was a Guardian pass.

“Here, you take it.”

Before I knew it, the small plastic card was in my hand.

“…….”

I blankly looked at the card in my hand, flustered, and then lifted my head. The eyes I met shone coldly, and I couldn’t help but lower my head again.

“I met a detective earlier.”

“……Yes.”

“He said that while you were enjoying a long vacation, that friend of yours was looking for you a lot.”

“Pardon?”

For a moment, I wondered what I had heard, and the moment I understood the words, my whole body began to tremble. The small plastic in my hand bounced slightly in my hand. Go Yohan’s Father stared at it silently, then very slowly continued.

“Give my regards to that friend of yours.”

“……Ah, ah……. No…….”

It felt like an excuse should be popping out soon. My head was filled with only despair. The feeling of a large hand gently stroking my head was clearly felt. I couldn’t dare to lift my head or move it away. I could only tremble.

I made Go Yohan, like that, because of me.

Hellish guilt was transmitted through my hand.

“Th, that’s…….”

The long hand fell, lightly ruffling my hair.

With a very subtle breeze, black leather shoes echoed in the quiet hospital hallway at a very slow pace. Suffocating musk scattered, and the mossy tree smell remained as an afterimage. I carefully lifted my head, and Go Yohan’s Father had disappeared. Somewhere far away, footsteps of a constant speed gradually faded away.

“……Ah.”

I stood in front of Go Yohan’s ward for a long time, and only when the sound of footsteps was completely gone did I run to the bathroom. The face reflected in the mirror contained traces of having shed a lot of tears. I hurriedly turned on the water and buried my face in the flowing water.

But why does it feel like I’m crying again as the water runs down my face?

I buried my face in the water like that for a long time, and without even thinking of wiping my wet face, I went to the ward. It was because I suddenly realized that Go Yohan might be spending tonight alone.

As expected, there was no one in Go Yohan’s ward. There was only Go Yohan, lying face down. I silently watched his back, which was asleep under the influence of drugs, from afar, then moved my body and sat on the sofa in the ward. I lay down there. The inside of the ward was still chilly.

“…….”

Go Yohan was visible in the world turned sideways.

What woke me up from my sleep was Go Yohan’s second scream.

“They’re going to do a skin graft.”

“Oh, really?”

“……Your Father agreed.”

“Over the phone?”

I hesitated a little to nod. A huge sense of responsibility rushed in with one nod. Fortunately, Go Yohan cleared away my sense of responsibility. He answered in advance.

“I knew it. Damn it. Why does he have so little interest in his kid?”

“But they said the joints weren’t badly damaged, and the growth plates are closed, so there won’t be any contractures.”

“Hey, if I get any taller than this, I’ll be an ogre, not a person? Damn it, what’s with 191?”

Go Yohan, who had white gauze plastered all over his back, frowned fiercely. Whether it was because he was in pain, or because he was horrified by the fact that he was 191 cm tall. I was exhausted by his endlessly light attitude. I honestly thought he was too tall too.

Go Yohan was annoyed by his height, then suddenly asked me.

“……But you got taller too, right?”

“Me?”

“Look, you seem tall.”

“I don’t know, I haven’t measured myself.”

It’s ironic. Height was my biggest complex. But after I turned nineteen, or rather, since I got involved with Go Yohan, I haven’t measured myself. I didn’t have the time.

“Come here.”

Go Yohan, who was lying down, gestured. It was the same as always, calling me however he pleased, but I saw one eyebrow twitching slowly. But when I didn’t budge, the hand that had been embarrassed fell down.

“……No, never mind.”

Go Yohan lowered his head. The crown of his lowered head was visible. So was the white gauze. I slowly looked at that crown, then got up. As soon as he heard the sound of me moving, Go Yohan abruptly raised his head and looked up at me.

Eyes looking up at me.

“It’s amazing.”

“What is?”

“……It’s the first time I’m looking down at you like this.”

“My height has to be really tall.”

Whether he was grumbling or bragging. There was a strange hope in the eyes that glanced up at me. I saw that small hope fleetingly, and closed my eyes for a moment. A fleeting moment passed. To others, it wasn’t even a second. I decided on an answer.

“Why did you tell me to come?”

Spring came at the end of my question. Flowers blooming brightly. Spring unfolded in Go Yohan’s eyes.

“Just stand there and wait a moment.”

“Don’t move recklessly.”

“Don’t be scared, it doesn’t hurt at all. I got a ton of painkillers.”

Before I could stop him, Go Yohan abruptly got up. Because of that, his bare chest was completely exposed. Cr, crazy bastard. I averted my gaze in a flustered manner. Without even trying to notice my attitude, Go Yohan stood next to me in a strangely excited state. Then he slightly lowered his eyes and peeked, matched his shoulder line to mine, and smiled indescribably brightly.

“You got taller.”

The stiffly raised fingers were awkwardly bent. Go Yohan’s right hand didn’t react in the end.