18 – My Graduation Ceremony

The long rainy season continued. The news said that the typhoon that was coming was child’s play compared to the one that had come a while ago. Father, whose flight schedule was canceled and ended up staying at home longer than expected, was constantly anxious.

“It’s strange how frequent the typhoons are. This usually doesn’t happen in Korea. I wonder if I came to Korea for nothing. My schedule keeps getting delayed, so every day is a loss.”

I overheard those words and was overcome with guilt. The typhoon moving north didn’t reduce in size even after crossing the sea and stubbornly approached the continent. The weather reporter said that at this rate, it was expected to hit the capital tonight. Then it would be okay to cancel school, but that wouldn’t happen in this hellish Korea.

A disaster stronger than the approaching typhoon swept over me. I wasn’t in my right mind last night. I didn’t even remember how I fell asleep and woke up. I had a throbbing headache, but I didn’t have a fever. It felt like the fuse in my head had blown.

Of all days, as I closed the gate and walked down the street, a large figure suddenly popped out from the alley near Go Yohan’s house. There was no warning, no sign.

“Boo!”

I almost collapsed on the spot. What was even more embarrassing was that I froze and started hiccuping.

“Sorry, I guess I scared you. So-orry-.”

The sight of his playful face, devoid of any remorse, sent shivers down my spine. I felt goosebumps rather than anger. Hic. I tried not to embarrass myself, but a hiccup forced its way out through my tightly closed lips.

“W-why are you suddenly there……”

“Me?”

Go Yohan, with one hand in his pocket and the other pointing to the alley he came out of, said nonchalantly. His raised lips revealed his sharp Canine Tooth.

“I wonder, why did I come out of there?”

“……Don’t tell me you were waiting for me?”

“Of course not. You egomaniac.”

The hand that was pointing at the alley returned to its place, and his long fingers plunged deep into his pants pocket. Go Yohan in front of me was the same as always. In his usual arrogant posture. Go Yohan, leaning slightly towards me, said.

“I just happened to see you coming out, so I thought I’d give you a scare.”

“What a pointless thing to do……”

“Pointless?”

Go Yohan, who slowly straightened up, took his hand out of his pocket, a hand he seemed like he would never take out. His lost hands were neatly folded below Go Yohan’s stomach. Tilting his head and smiling slightly, Go Yohan raised the hand that had been in his pocket all along.

“Hello?”

“……?”

“Since we met by chance, let’s go to school together.”

“W-what?”

“Let’s strengthen the friendship between close friends.”

Hic. My shoulders twitched in a reflex. While my brain was spinning, Go Yohan made the first move. He grabbed my collar with his thumb and forefinger and pulled me in the direction he was going. Hic. The hiccups didn’t stop. As I quietly followed, racking my brain, he finally let go of my collar without a word.

It was a really unnatural atmosphere.

The heart, assimilated into the atmosphere, felt anxious and pounded as if it would burst, but ironically, my head cooled down. Selection and concentration. It was like the breaker switch had been turned off, a feeling of preparing for the storm that would come on the path to my future.

Why did it have to be today? It could have been a coincidence. It really could have just been a coincidence…… Reason suppressed the constantly emerging doubts. I secretly slapped my forehead.

Let’s not think too deeply. All that comes back is lies anyway.

Thinking like that cleared my head to some extent. Lunch was the same. Go Yohan, Kim Seok-min, Lee Seok-hyun, Park Dong-cheol, who seemed strangely more excited these days, and Kim Min-ho, whose intentions were dark, were busy chattering. Kim Min-ho was a better actor than I thought. That was probably why he didn’t look at me even once during lunch, nor did he give me any hints. Throughout the meal, we acted like we didn’t know each other.

However, the messages were not.

「Shiibal, you’re so nervous. I’m already on my second pack of cigarettes. Shiibal, I’m smoking them all.」

Of course, I ignored Kim Min-ho.

Annoyingly, Kim Min-ho didn’t tire. His nuisance continued until I was waiting for the music Teacher in the faculty office.

“You bastard, you ignoring me again”

At this point, I had no choice but to reply. I didn’t want to make things troublesome.

「I’m busy」

「What are you busy with, shiibal? All you do is bury your head and study, what else is there, you bastard.

I’m busy doing things you can’t do.

The alarm rang immediately, but I didn’t really want to see it, so I just turned off the vibration. I put my phone in my pocket and sat down, and the music Teacher came with the keys jingling. As soon as I made eye contact with the Teacher, I jumped up from my seat.

“Luckily, you’re here, the auxiliary key to the music room. Is this enough?”

“Yes, thank you so much for lending it to me.”

“Well……. It’s okay for me, but thank your Homeroom Teacher. If it wasn’t for your Homeroom Teacher’s request, I wouldn’t have lent it to you, no matter who you were.”

“Yes. I’ll be sure to thank my Homeroom Teacher too.”

“Okay.”

Yes. As I gave a short answer, the bundle of keys was placed on my palm. I was going to wait until the music Teacher gave me permission to leave, but the music Teacher added a word and lightly patted my shoulder.

“Study hard.”

“Yes……”

“You have to go to Korea University. Huh? The Principal and Vice Principal are so looking forward to hanging up the banner.”

I nodded repeatedly, pretending to be sincere. After giving me advice for a while, the music Teacher sat down on a nearby chair as if collapsing and waved his fingertips. It was a signal to leave. I bowed deeply and left the spot. And as soon as I closed the door, I leaned against it and let out a desperate breath. Ha, shiibal-.

“Ha, so this is what it feels like to be really fucked.”

I filled one side of my mouth with air out of frustration and rolled it around.

“Do I really have to do this kind of thing……”

But the fact that I can’t survive unless I do this kind of thing is also now. To be bitten by a bastard like Kim Min-ho of all people. I spat out the air I had gathered in my mouth and took my phone out of my pocket. I regretted it as soon as I saw the screen. Damn it, I read the text message trash. The messages that had piled up in that short amount of time were quite a sight.

“What happened to you, you dog?”

“If you ignore me, I’ll pluck all 20 of your corn kernels and beat you until your eyeballs are crushed.”

“Ignoring me?” Are you ignoring me, you son of a bitch?”Kang Jun bastard Go Yohan will suck dick and die”

I want to kill myself right now. I’m being manipulated by this kind of jerk.

「Music room after class, key is in my locker. Number 28.”How did you get the key?” Fucking crazy」

I ignored it again. Every time I saw the messed-up grammar, I was tormented by the fact that I was being used by this kind of guy. And this isn’t the time to be leisurely like this. I have to tell Go Yohan to come to the music room quickly…….

“What am I supposed to do, damn it……”

My firmly standing legs collapsed. I slid down the wall and sat on the floor. My hands were already full of sweat. My conscience shouted. Are you really going to do it? Knowing what will happen? When I thought like that, I wanted to go back and return the key right away, but then again, that strange feeling, which I didn’t know where it had been hiding, squeezed my mind.

He doesn’t care about your well-being. He just likes what’s good for him right now, what’s fun. You know that you’re not that special to Go Yohan. It’s nothing more or less than a prank. So you have to survive. Kang Jun.

Ziiing, the vibration rang in my hand. At the same time, the thought that flashed and disappeared was my true feeling.

‘The only one who can protect me in this world is me, and my only ally is me.’

I looked at the screen. It was Go Yohan. I was flustered by Go Yohan suddenly looking for me, and as I hesitated, the music Teacher popped out of the door.

“What are you doing? Class started a long time ago.”

Ah, shit. I was startled and looked at the time. I had been staring at it the whole time, but I didn’t know. What a distracted brat.

“S-sorry.”

Damn it. I hurriedly got up and went down the stairs. All the way down, the wind shook the windows violently. I stopped for a moment and looked at the trees shaking like crazy. The wind howled strangely through the cracks in the window. The sound was a bit grotesque. It felt like the end of the world was coming.

I roughly messed up the back of my head. I was having ridiculous thoughts.

After returning to the classroom, I had to make excuses that didn’t even sound like excuses.

Someone next to me made jokes that didn’t even sound like jokes. Kang Jun, do you smoke? I ignored the useless words. He soon became quiet, as if it wasn’t fun without a reaction.

When class ended, I turned to look at Go Yohan, and Go Yohan gestured for me to come over. What could I do? I got up and headed to Go Yohan’s seat. Go Yohan, who was leaning back in his chair with both hands in his pockets, straightened up as I approached and said.

“Why were you so late for class? Are you just going to do whatever you want now? Hey, you thug.”

“You’re the thug, not me.”

“Jun-ah, you have to have a conscience. I listened to the class more diligently than you?”

The hand placed on his chest caught my eye. I stared at his closely trimmed nails and took a small breath. After hesitating, I opened my mouth. It had to be now. It was thanks to a realistic judgment.

“Go Yohan.”

“Huh? Why?”

“After class……”

The mouth that was forcing out words stopped abruptly. The heavy weight of life pressed down on me. This was not only my weight, but also Go Yohan’s weight. Uh, there, uh……. What an idiot. My chest felt tight, and I was out of breath.

Then, Go Yohan narrowed his brows and looked at me. He stared really hard, really hard.

“What’s wrong, are you okay?”

Should I do it? Should I not? Will you live? Or will you save Go Yohan? Are you going to kill Go Yohan to save yourself? And who knows what kind of prank he’ll play on me again.

Ziiing, at that moment, I felt the vibration in my thigh. Ziiing, something was chasing me. Surely no one would care, but I felt like thousands of eyes were looking at me. And the words those eyes said to me.

Deposed Consort Kang.

I snapped out of it and opened my mouth reflexively.

“Let’s meet in the music room after class.”

Words spoken cannot be taken back. But my hand covered my mouth as if trying to pick something up. Complex emotions surged. I think I even thought I had made a mistake. I would never have done this if it were the usual me. If it were the usual me……. A little more wisely…….

Watching Go Yohan’s expression slowly change, I thought it was all over.

If I go to the music room, Kim Min-ho will be hiding behind the curtains. That’s the only good place to hide in the music room. The velvet curtains were opaque and heavy, making it perfect for someone to hide behind.

As soon as the after-school meeting ended, I came to the music room as if running away. I put my bag on the desk and quietly muttered, “Damn it,” and as expected, I heard giggling from behind the curtains.

“Kim Min-ho, is that you?”Yeah, you little bird.” You must be so nervous.”……So what, you bastard.””

“You’re doing this because you want to, too, right? Shut your mouth. Okay, now really shut up. Director Kim is leaving.”

The soundproofed music room became quiet again. Not even the smallest noise could be heard. The sound was absorbed by the soundproofing material on the walls. Just like my stuffy insides.

I just want to fall into an aquarium and die.

Why did Kim Min-ho have to appear in this situation? I want to smash the head of that trash bastard, who repays kindness in a strange way, with a hammer. But for my future, I need to be obedient to Kim Min-ho. No, I have to. Damn it. I bit my lip and held back the rising nausea for a moment. This humiliation will lead me to a safe future and give me a comfortable graduation.

I kicked my toes. The door creaked open. The trapped sound rushed out through the small gap. A strangely cold air flowed in. I raised my head. Go Yohan was standing there with his bag slung over one shoulder.

“Jun-ah.”

That expression, that expression was sorry. That subtly flushed expression.

“Why did you suddenly call me here?”

“Oh, hello.”

“We said hello this morning. Why the hell did you……”

“Uh, that’s.”

My mouth wouldn’t open. I scratched the back of my hand with my fingernails. Strangely, my whole body itched. I felt stuffy. I scratched hard to get rid of this maddening itch. Even scratching until my skin was burning didn’t stop it. It felt like centipedes were crawling in my head.

“That’s, you know. That’s, um……”

“Hey! Shiibal, what are you doing!”

Go Yohan, who suddenly frowned, ran over and grabbed my hand. Only then did my eyes reach my hand. Blood was flowing red between the scratches drawn in several lines. I looked at my other hand in a panic. I could see small pink pieces of flesh at the tips of my fingernails.

“Ah, damn it……”

Go Yohan, holding my hand and with a pale face, threw his bag away. All sorts of trash poured out from under it. Even the water he was drinking. Go Yohan hurriedly picked up a plastic bottle from the fallen trash and poured water on my hand.

As I squeezed my eyes shut at the stinging pain, I knew what I was thinking……. I knew the end.

Ah, today was my end.

“……Yohan-ah.”

“Don’t talk, just stay still.”

“You know, Kim Min-ho told me.”

The hand that was carefully pouring water stopped. Go Yohan, who was one step below me and whose gaze was lower than usual, slowly raised his head and looked at me. Transparent eyes. Go Rosa said that. Go Yohan is always a sociopath and affection-starved person who craves love. Go Yohan gave me the conclusion to my guilt. The eyes we met and my calmed head answered. The centipedes crawling in my head disappeared.

“……Kim Min-ho?”

The end comes more unexpectedly than you think. Wasn’t that the case with Han Jun-woo too?

The reason I started to hate Han Jun-woo wasn’t because I started to like Go Yohan. It was just because Han Jun-woo himself touched the limit of pain that I could handle. The hand Go Yohan was holding didn’t sting. Yes, I knew the answer at that moment. I loved myself the most. Really.

Ah, so that’s why.

I’m growing up. And unlike some people, I’m doing it steadily. And at least I decided not to become a bad guy like Go Yohan. I’ve never maliciously put anyone in a pit in my life. I don’t want to leave a stain on my life. Yes, as Han Tae-san said, I might be a strangely kind guy.

So, this was the last gift I was giving to Go Yohan.

No, maybe it was a choice for the future me. For Kang Jun, who would ruin the person he loved and not be able to escape from regret. It was a selfish choice for me, not for Go Yohan.

I always found the right answer in the end.

“He told me to confess that I like you. He said he’s going to record a video and spread it. To fuck you over.”

“……What?”

“And he’s behind that curtain right now.”

There. I pointed to the curtain with my uninjured hand. Rustle. The curtain made a moving sound.

It was the moment that announced the end of my slightly longer eighteenth year.

The large hand that had been holding my wrist slowly released. Then slowly, very slowly, he climbed the stairs and headed for the curtain. I was just watching the movement, and when Go Yohan reached the end of the curtain, it clearly looked like the curtain was trembling like an aspen leaf.

Go Yohan poked his head out and grabbed the curtain. The curtain was drawn, like a signal announcing the end of the play.

“……What are you doing right now?”

“Hey, you shiibal!”

Kim Min-ho, who was completely exposed, glared at me. But I turned away from him and looked at my messed-up hand. The water I hadn’t wiped off fell to the floor. I shook the wet hand. As if what was happening in front of me had nothing to do with me.

“What is this?”

Kim Min-ho’s phone was snatched away in an instant. Go Yohan, who was looking at the slightly outdated model from side to side, suddenly threw it against the wall. It hit a pillar that didn’t have soundproofing sponge on it. Thud! A noise that hit my ears.

The weapon was so pathetically shattered.

With an air of arrogance, Go Yohan tossed his phone and straightened up, smoothing back his hair. His gaze, looking down with his chin raised, was chilling. Kim Min-ho was aghast, seemingly shocked by his phone being shattered to pieces.

“Hey, hey!”

“Wow, didn’t see it coming, Kim Min-ho, you’re a real piece of work.”

“You son of a bitch, Kang Jun… you bastard…”

“Bastard? What would have happened if Jun-i hadn’t told me?”

Go Yohan, with a swaggering gait, took a few steps back and pointed at me with his thumb. One hand remained in his pocket, making him look relaxed.

“Jun-i almost ended up a cripple. Right?”

Go Yohan used me as an excuse. But I said nothing and slung my bag over my shoulder.

“…You fucking perverted bastards, were you two really like that? I couldn’t believe it, you fucking, dog-like… disgusting bastards. Ugh. Oh, makes me want to puke. You, Kang Jun, I trusted you. You two-faced bat.”

“Like what?”

Go Yohan rubbed his cheek hard with his fingers, slightly pulling up his already thin cheeks.

“Like what?”

“What do you think? You fucking…”

Kaaack. Suddenly, a phlegmy sound rattled in Kim Min-ho’s throat. Ptooey. Yellow phlegm landed squarely on the cheap carpet. Kim Min-ho, his lips trembling, glared at Go Yohan and said,

“Sucking dick and offering your ass. You gay bastards… Ugh!”

A loud cracking sound was heard. I was startled by the sudden noise and widened my eyes. Kim Min-ho’s words were cut short. He couldn’t even finish his sentence, as he was suddenly struck in the face and couldn’t come to his senses. What had happened in that instant? And one hand was still in his pocket.

“You shouldn’t say things like that to a friend, Min-ho.”

“You… you just hit me…!”

Paak. It was the same this time. Even as Kim Min-ho charged forward, flaunting his size, Go Yohan remained composed. He retaliated by slapping him across the cheek with his large palm. But that wasn’t the end of it. Go Yohan chuckled and repeatedly slapped him across the face. Not a light slap, but paak, a sound of hitting the facial bones.

“Our Min-ho doesn’t know his place because he’s bad at Korean Language Teacher. Doesn’t know his limits because he’s bad at math.”

“Sh, sh, ugh!”

Unable to contain his anger, Kim Min-ho seized an opportunity and swung his fist wildly, but Go Yohan’s foot was faster. He kicked Kim Min-ho in the shin, and while he was off balance, he slapped him across the face again. He even twisted his body to the side and kicked his waist as he tried to dodge. Every move was as natural as if it were a familiar routine. Go Yohan, pressing down on Kim Min-ho’s fallen face with his indoor shoes, raised the corner of his lips.

“Doesn’t know the situation because he’s bad at English.”

“Ugh…”

“You need morals. As a person. That’s why I told you to study, didn’t I?”

It was overwhelming.

It was certain. Kim Min-ho could never beat Go Yohan, dead or alive. What made Kim Min-ho think he could beat Go Yohan in the first place? I could only stand there, unable to even think about intervening, and watch the difference between the two.

“Min-ho, are you going to transfer schools?”

“Wh, wh… y, ugh… bas…”

“Yeah, Min-ho. Let’s just steal one thing from you. I’ll set the stage for you.”

Go Yohan, whom even Han Jun-woo couldn’t handle. It was Kim Min-ho’s arrogance, and my delusion.

Absolutely, Go Yohan, only Go Yohan, cannot be beaten.

That’s why you have to live kindly. Go Yohan’s words from some time ago flashed through my mind. I looked at the back of my hand again. My timing saved me. If I hadn’t realized myself back then, what would have happened to me?

“…Y, you fucking bastards. You sons of bitches!”

I saw Kim Min-ho, his head raised, his mouth, nose, and eyes bleeding, dyed blue. I shuddered. It was scary. Now I could really see that Go Yohan was out of his mind.

“…Go Yohan.”

When I said those three words, it felt like my mouth was full of sand, rustling. It reminded me of the time during the first-year school trip when some delinquent guy drank soju that he had snuck in, and I drank it because I would have been seen as a pathetic coward if I hadn’t. Or rather, the next day. That was when I learned what a hangover was. I sobered up. My insane world instantly returned to normal. To be exact, it felt exactly like that.

“Go Yohan!”

At my shout, Go Yohan stopped abruptly. And slowly turned to look at me.

“Yeah?”

A slightly affectionate voice answered me. Whether it was because he liked me today, the one who betrayed him first, or what. I didn’t know. I frowned at the uncomfortable affection and said,

“I think you should stop there.”

“…Why?”

Go Yohan straightened his back and looked down at me. Go Yohan’s hand, which I could see slightly, was stained with blood.

“Are you worried about me right now?”

“…”

My gaze slowly turned to the bloody lump of flesh. Poor bastard. To be honest, I felt a little sympathy. If I left him alone, that bastard would really get beaten to death. Considering what he had done, he deserved it, but I didn’t want to ignore the selfish consideration he had shown me by helping me.

After finishing my thoughts, I looked up again and met Go Yohan’s eyes.

“No, what if I get caught up in a violent incident and it interferes with my going to college?”

“Ah, ah! Ah, is that why?”

Go Yohan pouted slightly.

“You’re so cold.”

“…”

“Aren’t you thinking about me getting caught up in a violent incident?”

“It’s not like it’s the first time for you.”

I swallowed slowly. My clogged throat wouldn’t open easily.

“I’ve only been caught once. Once is a mistake, twice is on purpose.”

Go Yohan’s eyebrow twitched slowly. He seemed a little dissatisfied with my words.

“Then, how are you going to deal with the nonsense that bastard is spreading?”

“The nonsense isn’t what that bastard was spreading.”

Kkeueueueueue…. There was a sound of someone spitting out a thin liquid from their mouth. Go Yohan glanced down at his feet, then stomped on something. The sound grew smaller.

“Then who was spreading it?”

“You.”

You. I closed my mouth, squeezed my eyes shut and opened them, and opened my mouth again.

“You, your friends.”

“Ah.”

Aaaaaah-! Go Yohan, opening his mouth and lightly tapping his cheek, hardened his face with an expression that was clearly not serious.

“No wonder, their reactions…”

Go Yohan scoffed. He didn’t seem to be seriously worried about the situation at all.

“But now it looks like he’s going to spread it around.”

“…”

“So, you don’t want to get caught up in a violent incident, is that it?”

Go Yohan crossed his arms, rested his chin on them, and fell into thought for a moment. One eyebrow twitched. When I saw Go Yohan lightly biting his fingernail, I felt nauseous. Is that bastard biting his bloody hand with his mouth? Crazy bastard. My gaze turned back to Kim Min-ho. That stupid bastard. Well, why did he act up when he couldn’t even win properly? Pathetic bastard.

First, I grabbed the desk. It was to climb the stairs easily.

“First, let’s just hand Kim Min-ho over to the teacher, and I’ll…”

“Huh? No. You just go.”

A gentle hand stopped me from approaching. Go Yohan, stroking his chin with his fingers, looked at me. A red mark was etched on Go Yohan’s white chin. The lips that had been seriously lowered curved upward.

“Thank you for today, Jun-ah. Go on.”

“…Are you going to hit him more?”

“Would I do that? There’s a limit to what a person can do. Just a moment.”

Go Yohan took out his phone and frowned. Then he waved his hand and asked abruptly.

“Jun-ah, right, left?”

What answer should I give to words I couldn’t understand? I just answered.

“…Right.”

“Okay.”

Go Yohan nodded lightly once, then leisurely pressed a number. And while waiting for the call to connect, he hummed a small tune. Eeehm, heeehm. Then he lightly raised his eyes and looked at me. While answering the call with his mouth.

“Hey, Seok-hyun? It’s me, Yohan.”

“…”

“Can you come to the school music room for a moment? Yeah, no big deal. I have something to tell you.”

When Lee Seok-hyun whispered softly from the speaker, Go Yohan said to me with his lips.

‘Go on.’

That day, I saw a sociopath smiling with a clear face in the music room.

For a moment, my head throbbed. I felt like I had a fever.

That was the end of my line. There was nothing I could do there. The only thing I could know was that the violence against Kim Min-ho stopped there because of my actions. And I can guarantee it. At that moment, I lost even the smallest possibility.

A terrible sense of defeat, the composure to laugh off everything I had been suffering from. At least that was real.

Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Min-ho disappeared after that day.

Rumor had it that Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Min-ho had fought to the death in the music room. The kids said. How did Lee Seok-hyun beat that pig bastard? Was he better at fighting than Kim Min-ho? Hey, didn’t you see Lee Seok-hyun’s face was a mess when he left school? He was just a monster. He probably couldn’t just beat Kim Min-ho. But the rumors didn’t have a ‘why’. No one knew why Kim Min-ho and Lee Seok-hyun fought.

The two were suspended from school. No, it seems Lee Seok-hyun only received community service. I don’t know for sure. Anyway, the school seemed to be trying to get rid of the eyesore with this opportunity.

But there was something the kids didn’t know. I was in that music room. I was there too. Kim Min-ho shouted that Go Yohan and Kang Jun were also there, but because Lee Seok-hyun, who happened to be with him, denied all of Kim Min-ho’s words, I and Go Yohan became non-existent in that place.

And the merit of the music, my only witness, was also great.

I, who had borrowed the key from the music, was anxiously racking my brains, but the music testified first with a false assumption without evidence. While pointing out Kim Min-ho’s attendance number as if looking at a disgusting bug. Most of the teachers willingly agreed with the music’s words.

“Of course, Jun-i wouldn’t do that. How conscientious is Jun-i.”

The most active was Homeroom Teacher. And the teachers tried not to involve me and Kim Min-ho as much as possible. Even Go Yohan was included in that benefit.

“Min-ho says Yohan was there too, but you can’t trust him.”

“That’s right. He always has lies on his lips, so even if I try to help him as a teacher, I can’t.”

“Yohan’s brother is in a prestigious university overseas, and his younger sibling is in a prestigious high school… his family is a very famous company, and they’re a Catholic family for generations. He himself is just a little playful, but he’s conscientious and studies hard, so it’s absurd to put him on the same level as a thug like Min-ho. Besides, Yohan is fine. How can he be fine after fighting with such an ignorant kid? Jun-ah. Don’t be afraid and tell me honestly.”

It was really amazing that Go Yohan, who didn’t build a solid trust with the teachers unlike me, was also like that. But because I could vaguely guess the reason, I didn’t question it and pretended to be nonchalant and did what I had to do.

“Yes. When he saw me get the key, Min-ho snatched it away.”

“See?”

“And Yohan was with me at that time. So maybe…”

I pretended to stammer and cut off my words. That way, at least I didn’t lie.

According to the atmosphere that spread throughout the faculty room, the fishy rumors related to me disappeared cleanly afterward. As if such rumors had never even existed.

A few days later, I suffered from a severe fever. Father and Mother watched over me, who had a fever of 39 degrees. At that time, at least I didn’t suffer from resentment. It was a relief.

“No, what kind of school tells you to come to school even when a typhoon is coming? That’s why Korean education is like this.”

“Shh, Jun-i’s sleeping.”

“How did you hurt your hand like this…”

“It’s said that it can also be caused by academic stress… Did we push him too hard?”

The words I heard in a daze were very affectionate. But after falling asleep, there were only nightmares. I don’t know what kind of nightmares I had. I think Go Yohan came out.

When I opened my eyes to the morning birdsong, the typhoon had stopped. When I touched my forehead with my wet hand, I only felt a slight fever. As expected, my body is amazing at taking medicine. When I measured the temperature with the electronic thermometer brought by the housekeeper, it was 37 degrees. My parents recommended that I be absent, but I refused.

Before changing my clothes, I sat blankly on my bed in the empty room.

I stared at the clock, which changed the time every minute. After suffering from a fever, my head became terrifyingly calm. It’s a good thing. My new morning started like that.

When I opened the door with my heavy body, I met Go Yohan on the street that the typhoon, which had brought rain, had messed up. It was Go Yohan who suddenly appeared this time too, but I wasn’t as surprised as I thought. Go Yohan made a slightly embarrassed face, as if my reaction was not interesting. Then he stroked near his neck with his fingers.

“You should have told me everything sooner. Then I would have taken care of everything.”

“…”

“We’re friends.”

My head, which was foolish but not stupid, was working for me. And after the typhoon passed, I realized. Until now, I had been too drunk on being eighteen.

“Yohan.”

“Yeah?”

“I paid you back, right?”

Because I kept your weakness from spreading. And Go Yohan, who read my intentions amazingly, said.

“Yeah, I guess? That’s right. Well, thank you. I almost had a big problem.”

“Okay.”

My eighteen was a time of raging madness with anger, but my nineteen was not. Maybe my attitude now is more mature than it was a year ago. People can’t help but grow. My time was a step behind others, but I was still proud of myself.

“Then that’s enough.”

My heart, which had been beating fiercely, began to move similarly to my cold head.

The fever was over. Really, so futile.

What I have to do from now on… When I think about it, it was just studying. The problems that tormented me floated over Go Yohan’s face. It wasn’t love, friendship, or a power struggle, but exam questions. Future priorities. Yes, choice and concentration.

Come to think of it, the principal said that he would be holding an in-school math contest soon. I have to prepare for that.

“…What’s enough?”

Go Yohan asked, slowing down his words. I shrugged my shoulders and answered.

“Everything.”

“Tying seashells…”

Go Yohan hummed a cheesy old song. At the same time, he ties caramel candies, which he doesn’t know where he bought them, one by one in each wrapper. I’ve seen something like that somewhere. I think it was when I was in kindergarten. As I stared at the sight, Go Yohan smiled softly. The song didn’t stop.

“Hanging it around her neck…”

Before I knew it, the candy necklace was complete. Go Yohan proudly looked at the colorful work in his hand. And he raises his body halfway and puts it around my neck.

“Sitting face to face on the beach.”

I didn’t care and read the English vocabulary book, which was the size of my palm. This is a small gazebo behind the school, and it was after lunch. I was sitting on the bench, but Go Yohan, who was squatting on the floor, was still humming and took out one of the remaining candies and peeled it.

“Whispering all night long.”

Go Yohan threw a small candy into his mouth. The sound of crunching spreads in the quiet gazebo. I glanced at the violent movement and read the real problem.

A lot has happened in a short time. Kim Min-ho never came back after all. He dropped out. Go Yohan said so, so I don’t know if it’s true or not.

I heard that there is talk of Lee Seok-hyun being forcibly transferred. It is said to be a special measure taken by the principal, who dreamed of a ‘prestigious high school without violence’. I don’t know how much influence the parents had in it.

Lee Seok-hyun didn’t show up for a month, and Kim Seok-min and Park Dong-cheol were as quiet as mice. The hushed atmosphere felt strange, so one day I secretly grabbed Shin Jae-hyun on his way to the bathroom. Shin Jae-hyun pulled his clothes out of my hand and said,

“I’m sorry… I don’t want to talk right now.”

He wasn’t angry at me, nor was he blaming me. He just seemed to be acutely aware of the uncomfortable situation. I decided to respect his wishes because I knew he was smarter than me, at least.

“Okay.”

I let go cleanly.

In contrast to Shin Jae-hyun’s attitude, I was quite well-integrated into the class. It wasn’t just me who felt that the rumors about me had died down. The atmosphere spoke for itself.

However, even in that, I felt subtly isolated. As the College Scholastic Ability Test approached, An Jisu acted friendly towards me. However, what An Jisu was curious about was how I managed to get two school competitions at once. As if she didn’t know. I thought her face was so brazen when she asked.

“Then I’ll get the gold, and you can get the silver.”

“…Oh, really?”

“Well, it could be the other way around.”

An Jisu has a special talent for making people feel subtly unpleasant. But it wasn’t important, so I let it go in one ear and out the other.

Something else was capturing my attention. Well after the summer vacation, I submitted my application to Korea University through Early Admission. The admissions expert Go Yohan’s mother introduced me to suggested that I lower my sights a bit and apply to the Department of Sociology, but I answered, “Yes,” and applied to a slightly different department.

How could I trust someone Go Yohan introduced me to? And to apply with a lower score, are you crazy?

I decided to trust myself. And recently, my days have been like being ostracized in a crowd. It felt like being trapped on a small island. And the leader of that island was Go Yohan, but,

“Jun-ah, I like caramel candy the best.”

“Oh, really?”

I didn’t care as much as I thought I would.

These days, what I say to Go Yohan is, Oh, really? Oh, I see, right, well, oh, really? Really? Ah, I kind of get what you mean. I don’t know. That was all. Fortunately, Go Yohan didn’t seem to notice my strangeness. He was always in a good mood and running around because I took his side.

“It’s so terribly sweet. I really like things that are so sweet they rot your teeth, so sweet they hurt.”

“Ah, I kind of get what you mean.”

“You do? Then what about you? What do you like?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, seeing as you like things like green tea, you probably have old man tastes anyway.”

“Right, well.”

As I turned to flip through the vocabulary book, I made eye contact with someone I didn’t know far away. They seemed to be turning back after seeing that the gazebo was already taken. The second-year student, seeing Go Yohan sitting right in the middle, turned around and waved to a friend.

“…Ji?”

I didn’t quite hear what Go Yohan said just now. But I didn’t ask again and gave a mechanical answer.

“Really?”

I said, looking at the corner of the ceiling. Because the atmosphere in the class was sensitive as the College Scholastic Ability Test approached, there was a sense of awareness about making noise in the classroom, so Go Yohan and I usually spent our breaks sitting on the stairs. The blue sky was reflected in the window in front of the stairs.

“Yeah, the weather’s nice. You did well on the midterm exam this time, too. Good. You’re happy, too. You think it’s all thanks to me, right?”

While Go Yohan was chattering, I laughed weakly. It was such an absurd thing to say. If it weren’t for you in the first place, I wouldn’t have needed help.

“What are you so happy about?”

“Huh?”

“You’re smiling right now.”

“Oh… am I?”

Time flowed leisurely and smoothly.

By the way, there’s a reason why I’m not angry. A week ago, I heard a rumor at the academy that more people than expected were applying to the Department of Sociology at Korea University. It was said that there was a rumor in the college entrance community that it was a loophole this year.

And surprisingly, the biggest loophole in the College of Social Sciences was in Political Science and Diplomacy. That’s why I laughed.

“I see.”

Nineteen, the most important test in life, approached relentlessly as predicted.

And the thing I’m most sick of hearing these days is this.

“Second place in the entire school on the second semester midterm exam… That’s a real shame.”

“Is it?”

“Of course, your average would be even higher if your second semester grades were included.”

“It’s already happened, so there’s nothing I can do.”

So please stop talking about it. I know my grades are a shame. Do you think I wouldn’t want to trade my second semester final exam and first semester midterm exam? Every time I go into the faculty room, I hear these words. I’ve heard them so much that I’m about to get calluses on my ears.

“The good thing is that the third year doesn’t have as much weight in the GPA. Maybe there’s a chance?”

“Actually, I’m really hoping that’s the case.”

I smiled awkwardly and responded with just the right amount of smoothness.

I want to think that people who pretend to know me are just worrying unnecessarily, but my parents said the same thing to me. I really couldn’t say anything then. My mouth tasted bitter.

Surprisingly, Go Yohan was the only one who talked to me differently about the first semester final exam.

“It’s obviously decided that you’ll pass. Your report card only has 1s and 2s on it.”

“I got 12th place?”

“Isn’t 12 a 1 and a 2?”

Of course, it was nonsense as always. But I wasn’t as annoyed or unpleasant as I used to be. In the past, I would have told him to stop talking nonsense or that I really couldn’t understand his thoughts, but I didn’t feel like it. I was resting my chin on my hand and looking at the printout with lines scribbled all over it. Saying whatever came to mind.

“Oh, right.”

But weren’t those all scores I got because of Go Yohan? As I was thinking about the cause of the harsh words I had heard, I inadvertently looked up and met Go Yohan’s eyes.

“…”

As soon as our eyes met, Go Yohan quickly turned away. Then he scratched his ear wildly, revealing the back of his hand with prominent bones and veins. The Rosary was still swaying on his wrist. I narrowed my eyes.

When I didn’t say anything, Go Yohan, who was sitting on the floor, subtly looked at me and leaned his head on my knee while I was sitting on the chair. As carefully as a dandelion seed landing on my knee. His head was resting on my knee, but his back looked like it was in an uncomfortable position.

His back must hurt. But it wasn’t my business, so I left him alone.

“…I wrote it, too.”

“Oh, yeah.”

I don’t know where he wrote it, but I hope he fails as soon as he writes it.

The College Scholastic Ability Test was coming someday, but I didn’t know it would sneak up on me like this. I could smell the College Scholastic Ability Test in the air. A heavy, chilling smell. The smell of November. I had read it so much that I could now write the words on the printout exactly the same with my eyes closed. I closed my eyes and thought about the sentences written on it, and then I thought about the biggest test of my life. I don’t need the minimum score anyway.

Should I get a grade 1 in case I fail? Regular Admission isn’t great these days.

“Hey.”

At the sudden call, I narrowed my eyes and looked at Go Yohan, who was leaning his head on my knee. I could see the back of his head as he straightened his messy hair with his fingers. I couldn’t see his face.

“You have to pass.”

Surely, it’s not guilt. It’s probably nothing as always. Go Yohan is the scum of all scums who doesn’t think about my life. I read the printout that summarized the key points again.

I didn’t care about Go Yohan. I was just answering for the sake of the macro relationship.

“Okay.”

The final battle came in an instant. Fifteen days had passed so carelessly.

I took a long breath as I left the test center. White breath puffed out like cigarette smoke.

Perhaps because I had taken the second foreign language test, the school gate was deserted. Some students ran towards the school gate or the cars parked in the school parking lot. The words I heard were the same.

“Did you do well on the test?”

“No, I totally screwed up. Oh, whatever. Want to get something to eat?”

“You must have done well since you have an appetite.”

“I didn’t do well. It was hell. I’m just relieved that everyone else seems to have done badly, too.”

Was it that difficult? It seemed like a moderate level of difficulty to me. I ignored the overheard conversations and kept walking. The cold air brushed against my thin skin. I passed through the slightly noisy main gate and caught a taxi on the road.

The taxi driver, who glanced at me in the rearview mirror after I got in, suddenly spoke to me.

“Are you coming from the College Scholastic Ability Test?”

I buried myself in the cheap leather seat and looked out the window. They said that this summer wasn’t very hot, so the winter wouldn’t be cold either. As if to prove that, this November was just chilly, not so cold that my nose tingled. I put my hand on the button to open the window, and I repeatedly opened and closed the window a little. And after a very, very long time, I opened my mouth.

“Yes.”

“You’ll get something delicious to eat when you get home, right?”

Buzz, buzz. I still didn’t stop opening and closing the window with my hand. Perhaps it was annoying him, because the driver coughed noticeably. Only then did I realize and take my hand off. But I still tapped the button area lightly with my finger. The cheap plastic made a clicking sound.

“I don’t know.”

I don’t know. No one will be home anyway. No, it’s not that no one will be home, but the housekeeper Auntie will be there. It’s not that I’m lonely or resentful of my parents. It’s just that it felt strange that no one was by my side on the day all my efforts came to an end.

“…”

After that, the driver didn’t say anything. He’s probably thinking that I’m an impudent student. But I don’t want to have unnecessary conversations just to be polite. I don’t want to be the driver’s clown just because he’s an adult.

It was even more brutal when I got out. He looked at me with a disgruntled face when I handed him my card.

“Student, don’t you have cash?”

Unfortunately, I didn’t. I shook my head, looking at my empty wallet.

“No, I don’t.”

“Student, how can you not pay in cash when you’re only coming this far?”

“…My house is here, so I’ll go in and get the money.”

“Then leave your phone here first.”

“Excuse me?”

“Leave it and get it from home.”

I really chose the wrong taxi. I suppressed the urge to frown and handed over my phone. Just as his rough hand was about to take my belongings, something hit the window hard with a thud.

“What, what is it?”

“What?”

What I saw beyond the slightly translucent window was Go Yohan. I was a little shocked.

“Ah-. Mister. You have no conscience.”

“Who are you, you bastard?”

“Me? I’m Go Yohan.”

Where did I hear that line? I looked at the irrational Go Yohan while holding my phone precariously. The crazy thing about this guy is that he suddenly opened the car door. While the driver was flustered, Go Yohan read the name tag next to the passenger seat without wavering.

“Your name is Oh Gwang-hyeok? 6259?”

Go Yohan, holding the car ceiling with both hands and leaning slightly, smiled. The driver looked at me and Go Yohan with anxious eyes, then quickly changed his words.

“I’ll accept it today, but don’t do this again next time. This is very impolite.”

“Yes, I’m sorry.”

Then he quickly waved his hand and gestured for me to hand over the card. I awkwardly handed over the card and looked around the taxi. What was the name, what was that about? I found the answer faster than I thought. On the opposite door, I saw a piece of paper with the title .

“…Ah. That’s why.”

I heard that filing a complaint is effective, but I guess it’s true.

The sound of the machine recognizing the card was heard a few times, and then the driver roughly took out the card and handed it to me as if throwing it. He glared at Go Yohan outside, trying not to show it, and Go Yohan reached through the open door and took out . Humming along to a song. Because his arms were so long, he could easily reach the back seat.

“What are you doing, student?”

“Me? Oh, it’s nothing. I need a piece of paper to spit out my gum.”

The white paper fluttered between his fingers. But Go Yohan wasn’t chewing gum. The atmosphere was suffocating. I moved in that silence and opened the car door.

After getting out of the taxi, I looked at Go Yohan with a puzzled expression. Go Yohan waved at the receding taxi, then turned around and met my eyes. I couldn’t find anything to say and scratched my head, when Go Yohan spoke first. Well, it was always the same pattern.

“Did you do well on the test?”

“So-so.”

“How can you do so-so? You have to do well.”

His serious expression didn’t impress me at all, so I yawned without realizing it.

“…Are you sleepy?”

“I guess so.”

“Is that why you’re always so short with your words?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

I answered, wiping the tears from my eyes. I wish he would just let me go at this point, but Go Yohan was just scratching the back of his neck. I yawned a second time.

“What are you going to do when you go in?”

“Check my answers?”

“And?”

“Sleep.”

Haaam. A third yawn came out. This time it was really big, so the fatigue could be felt in the sound.

“You must be really tired these days.”

“Ah, a little.”

I was embarrassed to just put my hand down, so I scratched my neck or collarbone. Boring and sleepy. My mind was hazy. As if pressing down on all my emotions from top to bottom. When personal feelings about Go Yohan tried to rise to the surface, I quickly thought about being sleepy. I also thought about being bored.

“I’m going in now.”

It wasn’t a request, it was a notification. I couldn’t have done this even half a year ago. This courage came solely from the fact that graduation was just around the corner. In other words, there weren’t many days left to see Go Yohan. That was a very good opportunity for me.

So that the breakup isn’t awkward and malicious, nicely. Nicely. I made a future-oriented choice.

“Your first round of acceptance announcements are tomorrow, right?”

He still thinks I applied for Business Administration through Early Admission. But I don’t feel the need to correct him. Well, the Department of Political Science and Diplomacy also announces on the same day. It’s not a lie. It’s not a lie.

“Oh, uh.”

“…Okay, get some rest.”

Go Yohan frowned and scanned me up and down. That gaze didn’t scare me or frighten me at all anymore. It was a fear that would disappear like a mirage anyway. In a few days, I won’t even be a high school student.

Age creates courage.

I nodded and turned around. The front door was right in front of me. I was about to press the number and open the door when Go Yohan suddenly called me from behind.

“Hey!”

Let’s pretend I didn’t hear him. The best way to deal with someone who craves attention is to not give them attention. Thinking that, I pressed the keypad faster. Just as I was about to press the last open button, a strong force grabbed my shoulder and turned me around.

“What, what is it?”

No matter what, I can’t help but be surprised by this behavior. I’m definitely not afraid of Go Yohan, but my hand, which was surprised and grabbed the wall tightly, was trembling slightly. I tried to ignore that subtle movement. Go Yohan grabbed my shoulders firmly with both hands, then,

“Everything will be okay.”

He left those strange words and went home.

The next day, I was trembling in the school bathroom. I lied to Homeroom Teacher that I had applied for Business Administration, and the bathroom was where I ran away from because I couldn’t stand the expectant eyes. I rubbed my eyes hard there and stared at the phone screen again, as close as possible. The letters definitely hadn’t changed.

「You have been accepted into the first round. The registration payment date for the second round is until 00/00.」

The first round only looked at grades. I thought my grades were a mess, but I survived in the top two. Suddenly, a tearful cry burst out. I even covered my mouth to prevent the sound of sobbing from leaking out. Now all that’s left is the document screening and the interview, but honestly, I was confident in the documents.

My parents’ and my choice was right.

That a regionally famous school like this is better than a very famous Autonomous Private High School… I learned in the second semester of my third year that the reason for this was that parents could directly manipulate the numerous documents.

I passed the top two, which was my biggest concern, so acceptance was a sure thing. That’s why I cried.

“Damn it… Shit, ah…”

I knew that success after failure, even if the result was smaller than a dream, was sweet.

As expected, it wasn’t long before I saw the blue letters: “Kang Jun, a freshman in the Department of Political Science and Diplomacy at Korea University – Congratulations on your acceptance.” I cried and cried again.

In addition, An Jisu was accepted into the Department of Business Administration at Korea University. She ran through the hallway on the day of the acceptance announcement, screaming so loudly that the whole school knew. An Jisu also came in first place on the final exam. I was second again. Everything went back to the way it was before everything happened. Kang Jun, always in second place, had returned.

The final spotlight of graduation was taken by An Jisu. If it had been the old me, I would have gritted my teeth and been jealous, but now I felt a little relieved.

Because I didn’t really want to tell Go Yohan the name of the department I got into.

In December, as soon as the final exams were over, the classroom became a mess. Until the fourth period, we just watched movies all day long.

That’s how the nerds who usually locked themselves in their rooms and only studied played. Why did they have to bring such a boring series of movies? They were excited about the connected universe in the movies and kept forcing us to watch, but I was already tired of it from the first episode, so I just focused on listening to English.

Thanks to that, my seat automatically changed to the very back. Next to Go Yohan. Fortunately, Go Yohan didn’t put his calves on my thighs or poke my cheeks openly. It seemed that he had realized that his actions were damaging his reputation.

But he didn’t stop trying to trick me. Even if he pretended to be careful, Go Yohan’s true nature didn’t go anywhere. For example, he would put his hand under the desk and touch my knee.

“…Don’t.”

“Why?”

“The kids are watching.”

“They’re not watching?”

I flicked my knee to push Go Yohan’s hand away. My back was leaning against the chair, and my eyes were meaninglessly fixed on the screen. The only fun thing about that movie was that the male lead was kind of handsome. As I rested my chin on my hand and looked at the screen, Go Yohan came closer.

“Aren’t you curious?”

“About what?”

“How I did on the college entrance exam.”

“You probably did well.”

There was nothing to see, so I only looked at the protagonist’s back and butt. The guy in the front suddenly got excited and shouted, “Don’t be fooled, you bastard!” and blocked the screen with his head, so the protagonist was also blocked. I tilted my head towards the hallway. Just in time, a service cut filled the screen.

“…The test is over, but you’re not being very sincere with your words. You.”

Watching the butt shaking up and down, I didn’t feel any lust, just emptiness. It’s like I’m some kind of perverted beast. Are you a savage?

“Hey, Jun.”

Well, at least it’s better than a shot of a woman’s breasts. I don’t even feel anything for that.

“Hey!”

“Ah!”

A sharp pain came to my waist. When I came to my senses, my head had been pulled sharply towards the desk. Ouch. My suddenly twisted waist hurt, and I frowned. When I turned my head with a frown, Go Yohan’s face was unusual.

Ah, I made a mistake. I should have pretended to be a little more sincere. I quickly forced a smile and said.

“Sorry, the movie was fun.”

“…”

Go Yohan frowned at my words and glared at the screen. Go Yohan with that face is sure to do something. I’m not anxious anymore. Go Yohan got up and pressed down on my shoulder.

“Who’s the bastard who brought this goddamn boring movie here?”

Go Yohan opened his mouth slightly and moved his jaw. The misaligned muscles made a clicking sound. The classroom, where tension was building up to the climax of the movie, became cold in a different sense. Some of the kids in the class were clearly watching.

“Why, why? Is it not fun?”

“It’s not fun to watch you guys talking about some kind of universe, so turn on something else right now. I was about to die of annoyance because of you loud-mouthed bastards.”

He even went so far as to take the remote control from the guys in the front and change the screen. Go Yohan pressed the buttons with a vengeance. Then, a random movie came on, and Go Yohan, who was about to press the play button, stopped his hand.

“I’ll take suggestions from anyone who wants to watch something else.”

“…Um, then let’s watch that Korean movie next to it. The comedy.”

“Anyone agree?”

“Me too, I want to watch that. I heard it’s fun.”

“Yeah, let’s be patriotic, you bastards.”

Go Yohan, who had been sneering, moved his hand a few times and pressed confirm. It was a B-grade comedy movie that had become famous through word of mouth on the internet and had exceeded its break-even point. I, who had been disgustedly watching Go Yohan’s dictatorship, had to admit that Go Yohan’s choice wasn’t bad.

“…Pfft.”

Not long after it started, I burst out laughing. Even while laughing, I was a little ashamed that I had laughed at such a gag, so I covered my mouth and looked around. Fortunately, there were many kids who were similar to me. The atmosphere was definitely better than before. They were more satisfied with the simple and clear one-time gags than the series that they had to watch to see the next episode.

The guys who had been dissatisfied with Go Yohan were soon immersed in the movie. It wasn’t for nothing that it exceeded its break-even point without any advertising. I nodded to myself.

“…Is this fun?”

Go Yohan, who had already sat down, asked quietly. But I don’t know why he’s asking so carefully. I fixed my eyes on the screen and nodded.

“You like this kind of pathetic gag.”

“Yeah, a little.”

It’s embarrassing to laugh at cheap gags, but I didn’t hide it. I realized as I passed nineteen. Endless denial and delusion are only poison to me.

First, I decided to learn how to accept myself. I like cheap gags.

“It’s very fun.”

“Then…”

A long arm comes close to my arm. I felt the strange warmth and turned my body. It was to avoid touching as much as possible. Go Yohan, who was only looking at the floor, didn’t notice that I had avoided him.

“Do you want to go see a movie with me on the weekend?”

Long fingers tapped the tattered earlobe. Why couldn’t I have suspected that ear in the past? There’s no way Go Yohan’s conservative family would have allowed such an ear. Besides, Go Yohan was riding a motorcycle that wasn’t appropriate for his age. It would have been impossible without his parents’ financial help. Go Yohan was definitely not ostracized by his family.

Go Yohan is a real son of a bitch.

“No.”

“…Why.”

“I failed to get into the Department of Business Administration at Korea University.”

Actually, I didn’t even apply to business administration. I pressed my cheek with my finger and rested my chin on it.

“Because of you.”

Kang Jun has become very brazen these days. It’s thanks to the fact that all the elements that made me afraid have disappeared. With graduation just around the corner, I wasn’t afraid of Go Yohan, who was still a high school student, and I wasn’t sad about being hated by Go Yohan. My life was starting to return to normal.

In addition, after the early admission announcement, the Homeroom Teacher pitied me so obviously.

So Go Yohan only thinks that I’m only focused on the college entrance exam results. The rumors will spread as soon as the graduation ceremony is over, so he’ll find out soon anyway. Whenever the college entrance exam was mentioned, Go Yohan would stiffen up without being obvious. It was a little funny.

“College entrance exam.”

“Yeah…”

“You did well on the college entrance exam. You’ll do well. You’ll be able to go.”

I can’t go. I got accepted through early admission. The words in my head didn’t come out. In the movie, an idol-turned-actor was doing a funny dance. I couldn’t help but laugh.

“That’s really funny.”

“I heard you got two questions wrong on the college entrance exam. I heard this year’s test was very difficult.”

“I don’t know.”

It’s just a preliminary score.

“Hey, what’s that actor’s name?”

I left Go Yohan alone and tapped the kids in front of me and asked. I should watch it again when I get home. I didn’t have any friends to hang out with, and I didn’t have any studying to do, so I needed something to kill time. It wasn’t a question with any ulterior motive. However, my body, which had leaned forward, was pulled back with a strong grip.

“Why are you asking about that?”

He’s smiling, but he’s not smiling. The fierce eyes that are glaring at me are bitter and unrefined.

“…That’s…”

If it had been me a year ago, I would have screamed and yelled when I saw those eyes. Saying that he was making fun of me. But it was all meaningless. After all, I was treated as Go Yohan’s toy, a fool swimming in the sewers.

“Just, I want to see it again later.”

“Do you have a lot of time? You’re not worried about college.”

“Yohan.”

I turned my body and grabbed the back of the chair with my hand. I looked Go Yohan in the eye.

“It’s my college, so you don’t need to worry about it.”

It’s none of your business anyway. I almost failed because of you. I swallowed the words I couldn’t say. That was my fate. I have complaints, but I’m not suffering. I’ve known for a long time that this is the easier path.

“…”

Go Yohan’s face was strangely tangled. Like a clump of thread or hair.

I narrowed my eyes and smiled. It’s good to look at life in a big way. In my big life map, I don’t need a top predator who treats me like a toy. But Go Yohan is too close to keep him out of my life. I fell into thought.

“…Aren’t you really curious about me?”

To the words that were dripping with regret, I said the words that Go Yohan would like the most.

“You must have done well on your own. You’re smart.”

Returning from school is the beginning of a boring daily life. It was better when I was at school. Except for the fact that I had to see Go Yohan. I was wasting time at home, and I didn’t want to waste time without any nutrition, so I went to the downtown area near my house. I went to the bookstore to buy a book, and I met Shin Jae-hyun there. It was an unexpected stroke of luck.

When our eyes met, I wondered if I should say hello or not. Shin Jae-hyun raised his hand first. It seems like I can say hello. Relieved, I raised my hand as well.

“Oh, hello.”

Shin Jae-hyun is also tall, so he was in front of me in no time just by swinging his legs a little.

“I saw you at school and now I see you here again.”

“You were just reading books quietly.”

“The movie wasn’t my taste.”

From an objective point of view, I liked Shin Jae-hyun quite a bit. That’s why I approached Shin Jae-hyun. Thinking about it now, it was almost impossible. Me, Shin Jae-hyun? There’s no way that could have happened. I still don’t feel anything when I see Shin Jae-hyun.

Shin Jae-hyun is fundamentally a coward. He acts nicely when the situation is good, but he backs away when he thinks he’s in danger. There’s no way I could have liked Shin Jae-hyun like that. Shin Jae-hyun is worse than Go Yohan. At least Go Yohan didn’t turn away the day Han Jun-woo was attacking me. I changed the strangely sneering smile into a kind smile and spoke again.

“Did you come to buy a book?”

“Yeah, I heard that a book I wanted to read came out in English.”

“Why don’t you just buy it online?”

“I like to pick out and buy books myself.”

“Is it because we’re not at school? You’re being unusually talkative.”

“That’s… I’m sorry about that time.”

Shin Jae-hyun scratched his head in embarrassment at my light-hearted joke. I shrugged my shoulders at Shin Jae-hyun. I couldn’t blame Shin Jae-hyun because I sympathized with his values so much.

“It’s okay. I said I understood. My surroundings are too ominous.”

“There’s that… And because of the rumors that have died down. And now it’s graduation.”

Shin Jae-hyun’s expression wasn’t very good as he continued to speak. As if there was something ominous.

“Go Yohan, I mean.”

“Yeah.”

“…He’s the first kid like that I’ve ever met.”

“…Me too.”

It was a conversation without any exact content, but we knew what we wanted to say. The eyes that met were expressing agreement. There was a moment of silence, but even that was a conversation.

When the silence exceeded the time for conversation, I tried to change the atmosphere. Shin Jae-hyun and I weren’t close enough to have a heavy conversation. I brought up words that could be passed over lightly, even if I didn’t move on from this topic as much as possible.

“When you were in America, you must have met a lot of crazy people. The land is so big there.”

“Of course, there were a lot.”

“Compared to those kids?”

“Um, actually, Go Yohan is easier to deal with.”

That’s not the reaction I was expecting. It was a slightly disappointing answer. Shin Jae-hyun didn’t back down from his opinion even though he read my expression.

“He has common sense. And he’s smart.”

“Common sense?”

“You can talk to him.”

That’s ridiculous. Go Yohan and common sense.

“That’s nonsense. He’s crazy.”

“…”

“He has no common sense, no morals, and no control. He’s just… He’s just a crazy bastard.”

I repeated it to Shin Jae-hyun as if I were forcing him.

“He’s really crazy. He’s gone crazy.”

“That standard depends on your values and thoughts.”

“Yeah, you can think that way.”

We don’t agree on this either. I felt like Im Yun-gi’s words about not understanding what I was saying were about this. I pouted my lips for no reason. Shin Jae-hyun smiled lightly at that.

“I know what you mean. He tends to act a little impulsively. I admit that.”

“I don’t know how that guy calmed down ‘that rumor’.”

“You don’t know?”

“Do you know?”

“Yeah.”

Shin Jae-hyun lightly scratched near his neck with his finger. Then he thought about something for a moment, and then shrugged his shoulders lightly.

“I heard there were pictures going around.”

“Pictures?”

“The kids got serious, and eventually it disappeared because they were trying to keep it quiet, but it’s probably still going around somewhere.”

“What pictures?”

“I heard it was a picture of Kim Min-ho and Lee Seok-hyun kissing in the music room.”

What?

My face naturally frowned. I wondered what kind of nonsense this was. The imagination that naturally came to mind was even disgusting.

“It’s weird, right? I was a little uncomfortable too. It’s obviously forced. There’s no evidence.”

His gentle voice urged my agreement. His seriousness stood out more because he wasn’t trying to arouse interest or make fun of others. He took another step closer to me and showed caution as he whispered.

“The kids were saying that Kim Min-ho and Lee Seok-hyun were joking around and fought over the size of their dicks, or that the ‘lower-level’ guys who were jealous of Go Yohan made up strange rumors by linking them to him. In the end, it ended with Kim Min-ho and Lee Seok-hyun being jealous of Go Yohan. They were the ones who started talking behind Go Yohan’s back.”

Unfortunately, his opinion didn’t enter my head. However, I agreed more deeply with the words “He’s the first kid like that I’ve ever met.” No, there was nothing to agree with. Go Yohan was really a psycho among psychos. He covered up that incident like this. I don’t know if I should call him a genius or a half-crazy pervert psycho.

“I don’t think so. Because Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Min-ho were both covered in blood. They were crying. It felt forced.”

“…He’s not in his right mind. He.”

“I was a little shocked too.”

Shin Jae-hyun showed off his weak confidence, and I muttered to myself.

“He’s crazy. He’s not a guy that a normal human brain can handle.”

The back of my neck became chillingly cold. If I had taken Kim Min-ho’s side there, could I have been the protagonist of that rumor? I wiped the cold sweat that had covered my neck with my palm.

“He’s a social, social waste.”

I wanted to run away right away.

“There’s no need to call him trash… Everyone has a chance to be rehabilitated.”

“What? You can say that even after seeing what that guy did?”

“…So that, that picture must have been something Go Yohan forced them to do.”

“Ah.”

I hurriedly covered my mouth. Idiot Kang Jun. I admitted the truth with my own mouth. I opened my eyes wide and looked around, and Shin Jae-hyun raised his hand.

“It’s okay. I’m just interested, I don’t really spread it to anyone.”

“…You won’t tell anyone, right.”

“Of course, you didn’t tell anyone about my story either.”

A kind smile spread. Shin Jae-hyun’s index finger pointed at me and himself once each.

“Same-same?”

“…Same-same.”

“Haha, by the way, have you decided where to apply for school? You seem free since you’re here.”

This time, Shin Jae-hyun changed the subject. Maybe he did it with the same thought as me. We weren’t in a relationship suitable for having a serious conversation. I smiled self-deprecatingly and answered.

“I guess the news that I failed Regular Admission spread again.”

“Of course, you’re more famous than Go Yohan right now, saying that Kang Jun, who had been longing for Korea University’s Business Administration, failed and is walking a difficult path.”

“It’s not really that difficult.”

I fidgeted with my hands, unsure where to put them. I wet my lips with my tongue, scanned the surrounding scenery, and after hesitating, made a decision in a fit of pique.

“I actually got into Regular Admission.”

“Oh, really? Korea University’s Business Administration?”

Surprise spread across Shin Jae-hyun’s neat face. Thinking I might have caused a misunderstanding, I quickly corrected myself.

“Not Business Administration, but anyway.”

“Wow, so you got into Korea University. As expected.”

“What do you mean, ‘as expected’?”

“I thought you’d find a way somehow.”

“What makes you think I’d find a way?”

“Your face just looks like it.”

Shin Jae-hyun said that people with faces like mine generally have things work out well. For a guy who seemed like a typical American, he was suddenly talking about physiognomy. I frowned at his suspicious remark, and Shin Jae-hyun closed his eyes and laughed heartily, as if he couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Were you just joking?”

“Yeah, how was it?”

“Don’t ever try to be funny again.”

“Why?”

“It’s not funny. If you want to be funny, try a different approach.”

“That’s difficult…”

“What about you?”

“Me?”

“Regular Admission? I don’t think I’ve heard anything about it.”

It wasn’t a question asked with any great meaning. However, Shin Jae-hyun looked a little pleased. I could immediately predict that he had gotten good results.

“Regular Admission, you have to use the opportunity when you can.”

“Opportunity?”

“I recently had a good opportunity.”

He was relaxed and not anxious. His slightly excited movements added to my conviction. Strangely, when I heard the news, I felt genuinely happy, even though I usually only felt dissatisfaction and complaints about other people’s news. Maybe it was because he wasn’t a competitor in the first place. Anyway, the important thing was that I was genuinely happy for him for the first time without any conditions.

“You got into a good place.”

“Victory.”

He held up two fingers and smiled.

“Don’t do that, it’s a little pathetic…”

I was getting tired of his actions, which I didn’t know if it was another joke, when my pants pocket vibrated intensely.

“Just a moment.”

I took my phone out of my pocket and checked the messages. There were three messages. One from my parents, one from Go Yohan that had arrived a while ago, and one from an unknown number that had just arrived. First, I read the message from my parents at the very bottom.

「My son, I’m sorry. I tried to move the schedule forward, but it didn’t work out. I won’t be able to make it to the graduation ceremony. But come to Mom and Dad’s place after you graduate. Let’s rest comfortably for a while. Forget everything.」

Well, nothing new. I was alone at my middle school graduation ceremony too. I should send them a message later saying I’m okay. That way they’ll be relieved. Thinking about my obligatory filial piety, I swiped the screen.

「What are you doing.」

I stared at the screen for a moment, then swiped the screen again.

「You son of a bitch. Are you happy? I’m going to slash your fucking face with acid and a knife and turn it into a rag.」

I’ve been getting messages like this periodically for a while now. I had a rough idea of who it was. It must be Kim Min-ho. Still can’t let go. Just live quietly with your ruined life. I turned off the screen, feeling disgusted, and spoke to Shin Jae-hyun, who was reading the cover of a book he had taken from the bookshelf right next to me.

“Do you want to go grab something to eat? I’ll pay.”

In fact, it was a suggestion that I wouldn’t mind if he rejected. I thought it would be a natural farewell if he said no and I just said okay. But it was unexpected that Shin Jae-hyun nodded.

“Let me hear the menu and I’ll think about it.”

“Well, it’s nothing fancy, just let’s eat some street food.”

“That’s a relief. If you had said pasta, I would have run away immediately.”

“Seriously, what crazy person would suggest pasta when two guys are eating together?”

“Wouldn’t there be someone somewhere?”

A guy with an unnecessarily innate love for humanity. I scoffed at his inclusiveness, which connected every conversation with Ifs and Maybes. In the meantime, I thought it was lucky that he was with me, but I soon realized that it was because we weren’t at school and that graduation was just around the corner.

Nevertheless, Shin Jae-hyun was quite a likable person in my standards.

No, maybe it wasn’t despite that, but because of that. I have a tendency to like people who are subtly cunning, take care of their own interests, and don’t do stupid things.

And what I learned in the short time of less than 30 minutes was that Shin Jae-hyun was also quite lucky. I heard that he got into a place that was a little higher than his grades. I thought it was lucky that the rumor hadn’t spread, but it was the same case as me. He submitted the application on his own without telling the Homeroom Teacher. The reason was that he didn’t want his story to spread anywhere. It was an unlike thing for a guy who overheard everything.

“Don’t you want to brag? The Teacher’s treatment will be different for a school like that.”

“Just to show off for a few days?”

His mouth opened wide, as if he couldn’t handle hot things well, and he blew on the fishcake soup in the paper cup.

“I don’t want to stand out. The more you stand out, the more enemies you make.”

“I haven’t been able to tell you this all this time.”

“Yeah?”

“You know you have a really unique thought process, right?”

“No, I just learned how to live a long and thin life by living a hard life. People only learn when they suffer.”

His playfully sarcastic mouth drooped downward. Because it was so true. I stuck a toothpick deep into the bloated tteokbokki. After chewing on the rice cake a few times, I nodded.

“You’re right.”

“You didn’t tell anyone you got in either, right?”

“I’m thinking of telling only the Homeroom Teacher later. I’m afraid of getting chewed out by the principal and vice-principal.”

“You’re kind.”

“They’ve been good to me, it would be pitiful if I didn’t.”

“Then the rumor will spread throughout the school. The Teacher’s treatment will be different too. Haha.”

“It’s okay, it’s not like I can keep it a secret forever anyway.”

“Why keep it a secret now?”

It was a short but penetrating question. This time, I didn’t stick a rice cake, but pushed it around with the toothpick, and after hesitating, I opened my mouth.

“You know why.”

“Ah, I see.”

Hoo-hoo. Shin Jae-hyun is blowing even harder on the soup, which must have cooled down by now. How bad is he at eating hot things that he’s been blowing on that the whole time? I glanced at him with narrow eyes and picked up a piece of tteokbokki that I had been tormenting for a while.

“You finally believe me.”

“…It’s not that, it’s just that there’s no harm in being careful.”

“I’ll take it as you mean it. Ah, the soup here is delicious.”

Shin Jae-hyun finally put the soup in his mouth when it was no longer steaming. Shin Jae-hyun has now completely ended his suspicion. He must be convinced as he thought. It’s a relief that he’s a timid and smart guy. He’ll never tell anyone about Go Yohan.

I fidgeted with my fingers and suddenly said as if blurting it out.

“Oh yeah, I’m going to enter the dorm.”

“Suddenly? Why?”

Maybe I wanted him to agree or cheer me on. Anyway, I had that strange expectation.

“He lives next door to me.”

“Ah, ah-. You’re both rich. But can you enter the dorm? You’re in the same area.”

“I told my parents that the school and home were far away and it would be tiring, so they said they’d prepare it for me.”

Shin Jae-hyun nodded slightly and asked quickly.

“You’re not living alone? A car? Your parents won’t buy you one?”

“Living alone… it seems like there’s nothing around. The safety around the school isn’t good either. I don’t know if I’ll have time to get a license for a car.”

“Ah, the dorm is definitely safer than living alone.”

I swept the roughly chopped green onions back and forth with the end of the toothpick. The serving for one person was quickly empty. It didn’t matter since I didn’t intend to fill my stomach with street food anyway. The guy who was lost in thought while biting the edge of the paper cup tapped the iron plate table with his finger.

“Well, if it’s a dorm, you can’t suddenly barge in.”

Now he’s completely confirmed it. I subtly changed the subject again and said.

“It’s unlikely, but you never know.”

“You’re being too careful to say that.”

Hooroo. The edge of the hand holding the paper cup is red. My hands were already in my jacket pocket and didn’t come out. My legs shook up and down because of my cold body. Summer was so slow, but winter came so quickly.

“Are you going to cut off contact?”

“……Yeah.”

“Well, if it’s Korea University, the campus is wide, there are many buildings and many lectures, so it’ll be hard to find you. But if you’re determined, you can find you.”

“He hates troublesome things.”

“Um, if it’s troublesome, he won’t look for you?”

“Why would he go so far as to look for me? As I said before, I’m not that great of a person to him. He doesn’t have those feelings either. Just a good kid to mess with in high school. That’s all. I know it well. Besides, he’ll be busy living his own life. With college and all.”

“Still, you never know what might happen in the world. Always be careful.”

“There’s nothing to be careful about. It’s over when we graduate.”

“You never know when you might meet again by chance.”

That’s Shin Jae-hyun’s flaw. This guy always pours cold water on my opinions. I was upset by his tone, which was like throwing ashes on a perfectly cooked meal, and I snapped a little sharply.

“Shin Jae-hyun, coincidences don’t happen as easily as you say.”

“That’s true, but it’s not like they never happen.”

“There are more coincidences that don’t happen. Why is there a word for coincidence? It’s because it’s rare.”

“What about fate or miracles? If coincidences are so rare, why do we use the words fate or miracles?”

“They have different meanings.”

“The meaning is the same, that a low probability event occurs.”

This guy’s Korean Language Teacher score must be terrible. Is it because he grew up in the United States from childhood to middle school? I felt like I was suffocating. I frowned. It seemed much faster to just say how I felt than to persuade him.

“Stop ruining other people’s plans with words that ruin people’s moods.”

“Okay, I got it.”

I frowned at his carelessly raised thumb, which was bothering me. Shin Jae-hyun laughed when he saw my eyes and willingly raised his thumb even higher.

“It means you’re right.”

“Well, thank you for acknowledging it.”

“Thank you for understanding me too, are you done eating?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Then shall we go?”

“……Wait.”

I grabbed the guy who was rummaging through his pockets. I didn’t know if he had forgotten that I said I would pay, or if he thought it was a joke. But that’s not the point. The story I was about to tell hovered in the air. Staring blankly at the bubbling, sticky soup, I said something that was hard to say.

“Can I ask you just one thing?”

“What?”

“It’s just that we’re graduating soon, and we’ll never see each other again anyway, so I’m just asking one thing.”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Go Yohan, does he have any friends besides me, Kim Min-ho, Kim Seok-min, Lee Seok-hyun…?”

“Yohan, well, he’s good at talking to people, so wouldn’t he have more friends to call friends?”

“No, not those kinds of kids.”

“Then?”

“People Go Yohan meets outside. He goes out often.”

“Why are you suddenly curious about that?”

“I’m not really that curious.”

“Why are you asking if you’re not curious?”

I subtly avoided his eyes at the question that felt like he was grilling me. No, in fact, Shin Jae-hyun didn’t grill me, but I just felt guilty. I know, I’m not even curious. But my mouth didn’t stop moving on its own.

“I thought you were the only one who could answer, the only one I could ask. It felt like the last chance.”

“I appreciate you trusting me, but I lived in the United States until middle school, so I don’t know. I’m not close to Go Yohan either.”

“……Yeah, I guess so.”

I didn’t have high expectations. Yeah, I wasn’t even curious anyway. I kept repeating. I deliberately brushed it off lightly and took out my wallet from my pocket. But the hand that gently stopped me took out a ten thousand won bill.

“Two servings of tteokbokki and two fishcakes. Keep the change.”

“Oh my, what should I do, thank you so much. Have another fishcake before you go.”

“It’s okay.”

“Hey, what are you doing. I said I’d pay.”

“It’s okay, you’re just creating a debt on purpose.”

“I feel bad.”

Shin Jae-hyun waved his hand and immediately left the food stall. I followed him. Shin Jae-hyun, who was waiting for me and fixing his scarf in front of the entrance, suddenly asked.

“But why did you ask me?”

“Well, just…”

I scratched the back of my head. I wasn’t thinking seriously, so my head wasn’t spinning fast.

“I kind of had that thought.”

“That thought?”

“I’m saying this now that we’re graduating, but if I had met you in the first grade, I thought I might have become friends with you first.”

“……”

“Regardless of whether you’re a good guy or a bad guy. I just thought we were similar.”

There was no special intention. Maybe it was lighter because I thought it was a relationship that would be cut off when I went to college. Just like the days when I was separating Go Yohan. But unlike my light heart, Shin Jae-hyun seemed more guilty.

“I feel kind of bad.”

“It’s okay, I didn’t say that to hear you say you’re sorry. I just said it because I won’t see you anyway. Shall we go?”

“……Yeah.”

“Okay, then I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

As soon as the greeting was over, I turned around without regret. I just walked, soothing my bloated stomach, and replied to the piled-up messages. The first message was like this.

「Don’t worry about me, I’m going to play with my friends at the graduation ceremony, so I’ll be busy anyway.」

And the second message, which was even more perfunctory, was like this.

「Home」

I blocked the third message. There was no need to pay attention to the desperate end of a loser. Because he’s just a bastard who only knows how to bark like a dog after losing a fight.

After sending all the replies, I put my phone in my pocket along with my hand.

The wind that suddenly blew past cut my cheek. I unknowingly closed my eyes tightly and waited for the wind to stop. After the wind stopped, a presence came.

“Hey.”

I turned my head at the familiar voice. Shin Jae-hyun, who had clearly turned back, was standing behind me.

“Do you have something to say?”

“……It’s nothing much.”

“What is it?”

“If you have more time, do you want to have a cup of coffee for the last time?”

“……Coffee?”

It was something I thought I had misheard. I looked at him in disbelief, and he added as if making an excuse.

“There’s a really delicious drip coffee shop nearby.”

“……You said you couldn’t understand eating pasta?”

“Coffee and pasta are different.”

His embarrassed smile was familiar yet unfamiliar. I hadn’t seen it often, but it was an expression I had seen somewhere. A smile naturally spread across my face. Because I knew what he meant.

“Are you doing this because you feel sorry for me?”

“Um……”

Shin Jae-hyun turned his gaze away and seemed to think for a moment, then made eye contact and smiled.

“Yeah, a little.”

“Then one last cup?”

“One last cup.”

There’s no harm in that. I nodded lightly.

It was definitely good until I ordered an Americano and sat down. We understood each other even without much conversation. Things to do in college, the difficulties of the entrance exam, etc., were stories that virtually all test takers could relate to.

The problem was the moment when I was halfway through my coffee and trying to time when to break up. How could I be so unlucky?

“What are you guys doing?”

Why did Go Yohan’s voice have to pass by?

The moment I heard the familiar tone, it felt like all the organs in my body were pouring to the floor in an instant. I didn’t believe my ears. I didn’t want to believe it. But my body reacted honestly. It felt like all my joints and bones were misaligned. I thought I could hear a creaking sound. Shin Jae-hyun in the front seat, whom I glanced at, was almost blue.

“Go Yohan?”

As expected, it was Go Yohan. Damn it, I should have been aware that Go Yohan also lived near where I lived. I was usually careless because he wasn’t visible nearby.

“……What’s going on?”

“I happened to be passing by this neighborhood and saw you in the window. You guys.”

Go Yohan shamelessly sat on the sofa I was sitting on. In addition, I had no choice but to be pushed to the inside of the chair. In other words, it’s an encirclement. I’ve been surrounded.

“You said you were at home?”

Go Yohan’s long fingers tapped his temple. But the gaze that looked down at me wasn’t kind at all. Meeting his coercive gaze, I took a deep breath. My wildly beating heart gradually slowed down. It’s okay. Nothing to worry about.

“I’m about to head in.”

“……”

His slender eyes stared at me for a moment, then he turned his head to look at the seat in front of me. I naturally looked at Shin Jae-hyun too. Shin Jae-hyun was looking down, his mouth tightly shut. Go Yohan stared at him for a moment, then opened his mouth.

“Did you two promise to meet here?”

“No.”

“No.”

The two of us answered at the same time. And then our eyes met. I was the first to speak. Shin Jae-hyun closed his mouth again. And, biting his lip slightly, he muttered something in English. I knew enough to realize it wasn’t a good thing.

“We met by chance. He was sitting here when I came.”

I lied. Not for myself, but for Shin Jae-hyun. Either way, Shin Jae-hyun didn’t want to get involved with Go Yohan in a bad way. Fortunately, Shin Jae-hyun was smart, so I believed he would understand my intentions. And I was sure that Go Yohan would understand and let it go with this much. But it seemed like something was seriously lacking for Go Yohan.

“Then you could just say hello and leave. Why sit in the same seat?”

“……Friends can do that.”

“Oh, you two are friends?”

“Yeah.”

“You two?”

“……Uh.”

“The situation is really interesting. I had no idea.”

I knew he wasn’t really surprised. Because his mouth was full of mockery. Even his eyes were dead. Cold as ice. Go Yohan got up from his seat and slowly, very slowly, walked over to Shin Jae-hyun’s seat. But he didn’t sit down next to him. He stood halfway and put his arm around Shin Jae-hyun’s shoulder. Shin Jae-hyun’s bitten lip turned even whiter.

“Jun-i’s best friend is me. Why am I only finding out about that now?”

The hand on his shoulder tapped the ear nearby. Tap, tap. He hit it so hard that the end of his ear turned red with pain. Shin Jae-hyun finally closed his eyes. As if he had given up on everything. And I, who understood Shin Jae-hyun, knew very well. That this moment was the moment Shin Jae-hyun had been avoiding his whole life.

“……”

I felt unpleasant. Not because Go Yohan was tormenting Shin Jae-hyun, but just because there was a pitiful weakling being tormented in front of my eyes. And it wasn’t just once for Shin Jae-hyun. I felt unpleasant that I was condoning and ignoring it, and I felt unpleasant about my situation, where I had to close my eyes to all this irrationality.

Why should I? I’m becoming an adult now. Shin Jae-hyun was passive but on my side, and he was the only person who took care of me when I was being bullied. At least I owed Shin Jae-hyun.

I definitely promised that someday, if Shin Jae-hyun was in an uncomfortable situation, I would help him. I still remember that clearly.

“Jae-hyun-ah.”

“……Uh.”

“If you’re Jun’s friend, then we’re friends too, right? You and me. Isn’t that right?”

Go Yohan, pretending to be friendly, sat next to Shin Jae-hyun and asked a question with an unknowable intention. The hand holding the coffee tightened. I forced my body, which wasn’t moving well, to stand up. Then I was able to look down at Go Yohan. That gave me a little courage.

“Hey.”

Go Yohan turned his head to look at me. I saw the corners of his lips rising the moment he looked at me. That was annoying. Honestly, I couldn’t even see Shin Jae-hyun next to him. My head heated up in an instant. I had coffee in my hand, and I had a lot built up inside me.

Finally, I bent my wrist after hesitating for a long time.

That’s how the black liquid poured straight towards Go Yohan.

“You son of a bitch.”

“……”

“Shin Jae-hyun is my friend.”

Go Yohan wiped the coffee dripping from his chin with surprised eyes. The way he stared blankly at the coffee smeared all over the back of his hand was funny, like someone who couldn’t believe what had happened to him. The way he looked down at the traces of coffee dripping, and then looked at me, over and over again.

“……When were you and I friends?”

“……”

“We’ve never been friends, not even once. You trash.”

Deliberately ignoring Go Yohan, I grabbed Shin Jae-hyun’s wrist. And I raised him with all my strength. The large figure awkwardly followed. Uncomfortable, uncomfortable. Enduring that discomfort, I looked at the window as I came out of the store. Without me realizing it. Then I made eye contact with Go Yohan, who was reflected in the window.

Go Yohan looked a little confused. He wiped his face, where coffee was dripping, with his hand and chased after me.

I was the one who turned away this time too.

I pulled the wrist I was holding. But Shin Jae-hyun, who was heavier than me, didn’t come along. Feeling puzzled, I turned my body, and surprisingly, what I encountered was a very calm gaze.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“That’s, well.”

Shin Jae-hyun, having finished thinking, dropped my wrist. Very carefully.

“I’m going to apologize to Yohan and go.”

That was a truly absurd thing to say. He didn’t even know I had just saved him.

“……Okay, do as you please.”

I was trying to respect his opinion in my own way, and answer without any lingering feelings. But maybe I was laughing at him a little.

All the way home, my phone kept ringing incessantly. It was no use pressing reject. Because another call came right away. If there wasn’t a call, there was a message.

「Answer the phone.」

The commands that started with ‘Answer the phone’ eventually led to ‘Where are you?’ and finally ended with a request.

「Please.」

Don’t try to act pitiful. It’s just crocodile tears anyway. It doesn’t work anymore. Even if I tried to think calmly while walking, I would soon get heated up. Go Yohan was that kind of presence to me. I suddenly felt annoyed by the persistent calls that followed me like an obsession, and I pounded the screen like crazy.

「Fuck off.」

「The truth is, I really hate you」

「Don’t even pretend to know me from now on.」

「I’ve been thinking you were trash for a while now, but I didn’t expect you to be this unbelievably bad.」

「I’ve lost all the affection I had for you.」

「You knew so well that I hated you in the first grade, so how can’t you notice that I hate you now? No, don’t pretend you don’t notice, just please leave me alone. I hate you. I really hate you. It’s not a lie, I’ve hated you from the start.」

「Friends? Don’t even talk about that bullshit.」

「You must have thought I was a pushover, you son of a bitch.」

「You must think you’re really close to me, but don’t get the wrong idea. I hate you more than An Jisu, I hate you more than Kim Min-ho, I hate you more than Han Tae-san, and I think you’re more of an idiot than Han Jun-woo, so just get out of my life. Please. I’m begging you.」

「I’m blocking you.」

It felt like all the anger I had been holding back burst out of my fingertips at that moment. All the invisible things come in through the cracks. My emotions were like that too. All the emotions I had been suppressing slowly squeezed out through the cracks.

But the dam hadn’t collapsed yet. Looking at the messages I had sent in a fit of anger, I also thought I was screwed. But it was already water under the bridge. After much deliberation, I blocked him and turned off the power. It was ridiculous to say I was canceling it in a pathetic way, and deleting it would leave traces, which was pathetic. Anyway, now that I had been accepted into college, I came to the conclusion that I didn’t have to go to school. I just had to think of everything comfortably.

I was going to drop everything and leave at this opportunity.

All the nightmares, all the times that would be remembered as the worst times of my life. All of it.

As soon as I got home, I turned on the computer and looked at the acceptance screen again. It was still accepted. It hadn’t changed, it wasn’t a fantasy, it was reality. I had a place to escape to.

It was night. When some rude person was banging loudly on the front gate. At that time, I was buried in a cozy blanket, sleeping an unusually deep sleep.

“……Student.”

“……Ugh.”

“Student.”

“……”

It was the first time the housekeeper had woken me up in the early morning. I opened my eyes and was surprised by the face I saw right away, and when I opened my eyes wide, she calmly explained the situation.

“A guest has arrived…… Should I open the door?”

At first, I couldn’t believe it, so I frowned and checked the time. It was 4:20 AM.

“At this hour?”

“Indeed.”

“Who is it?”

“That……”

I could tell without her saying it. It was Go Yohan. I threw myself onto the blanket as if collapsing from the stress and groaned.

“……Ugh.”

“Should I just ignore him?”

“Is he still knocking, by any chance?”

“Yes.”

The housekeeper glanced through the open door and continued in her usual flat tone.

“Actually, it’s been 1 hour and 20 minutes.”

“……Huh?”

I was momentarily speechless.

So she had just been ignoring him all along. She only came to me because she couldn’t ignore him anymore. Ringing the doorbell and banging on the gate for over 80 minutes would be more than just a little strange. I let out a heavy breath that had been blocked.

“Go back inside and rest.”

“What should I do?”

“I’ll take care of it. Sorry for waking you up. You must be tired, go to sleep.”

“Yes.”

As soon as I received her confirmation, the Auntie left the room. I stared at her cold-hearted back and sat up on the bed. I shook the bangs that had already grown long again with my hand. If I got up suddenly, I would get low blood pressure, so I quietly groaned and got up from my seat.

The air in the winter dawn was cold. I went out to the garden and it seemed like it had snowed overnight. In the quiet silence, I could hear the quite regular sound of the cold gate banging hollowly.

And I could also hear Go Yohan’s voice.

“Jun-ah.”

Before opening the door, I hurriedly fastened the top I had put on and stared blankly at the gate.

“Jun-ah-ah.”

I could see familiar shoes and ankles through the small gap under the gate.

“Jun-ah, are you there?”

The soles of his shoes were covered in trampled mud, and there were still snowflakes that hadn’t melted on the front of his shoes. He waited, exhaling white breath, and then moved his feet. Even as I grabbed the latch, I kept hesitating.

I don’t want to open it. I want to ignore him. But I can’t destroy my lifelong values. I’m insanely conscious of what others think, and I don’t want disgusting rumors spreading in a neighborhood I’m not going to move away from if I can help it. Go Yohan definitely knows that. That if he comes to my house, I’ll open the door no matter what.

It can’t be helped. Now that I’ve resigned myself, I have no choice but to accept it. I closed my eyes and exhaled. My bangs fluttered. With trembling hands, I opened the latch and opened the door. Instantly, the smell of alcohol hit me hard.

“……!”

Ugh. I hurriedly raised my hand to cover my nose and mouth.

“What the……!”

“Oh? Jun-i came out.”

“You don’t mean you drank alcohol?”

“I drank blood.”

What the hell is he talking about now? I touched my throbbing forehead and the meaning of his words suddenly came to mind. Ah.

“……Blood of Jesus?”

“No, you idiot. How can you drink the Blood of Jesus? I drank alcohol.”

I heard the sound of him flicking his tongue.

“Juuuust a little.”

He’s crazy. He’s seriously gone crazy. Is this really the guy who said that those who don’t follow the rules will fall into hell? I frowned at his pathetic behavior. Annoyance welled up, but I took a deep breath and slowly closed my eyes. What’s the point of getting angry? It’s not like things have ever gone the way I wanted them to anyway.

It was over as soon as I opened the door.

If I give up, my mind becomes calm. At least it’s not confusing. Maybe I’m the one who should convert to religion. I opened my eyes and shook my head lightly. I made eye contact with Go Yohan, who had been playfully grinning all along. The moment he made eye contact with me, Go Yohan looked at me carefully.

No, I thought he did. I need to say something that makes sense. I clicked my tongue at my pathetic guess. Tsk.

“……So what. I’ll be an adult in a little while anyway.”

It seems like he thought I was clicking my tongue at him. Judging by the way he’s making excuses. But it’s better than him talking more, so I just pretended not to notice.

“The kids say that if you drink when you’re depressed, you’ll feel better. So I drank a little.”

“……”

“I think that’s true.”

The tall figure slightly raises his heels. What could he possibly be depressed about? It’s absurd.

“Doesn’t Christianity forbid alcohol?”

“I’m Catholic.”

Heehee. The way he narrows his eyes and grins is like he’s spilling laughter on the floor.

“All the priests die of alcoholism.”

“……Don’t insult the religion you believe in.”

“Can I come in?”

“No.”

I stared at Go Yohan silently. My salivary glands, which felt like they were frozen solid, ached.

“Just fuck off.”

If Go Yohan had frowned like he was about to cry at my words, I probably would have misseen it. Seeing Go Yohan, who was so brazen that he didn’t budge even with my strong rejection, I opened my mouth even more harshly.

“Just be grateful that I opened the door for you, and get out of my sight right now, because I’m annoyed.”

“……You’re being too harsh.”

“I’m never going to see you again anyway, so there’s no point in being careful.”

Have I ever heard the sound of snow falling? If I haven’t, today is probably the first time. So that’s what it means to say it’s piling up softly. It was that quiet. White snow piled up on Go Yohan’s black hair too. Snowflakes gently landed on his long eyelashes too.

“……You’re not going to see me?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“The very fact that you’re asking me that is annoying.”

“……”

“So please just go back to your house. I’m begging you.”

“……I don’t like it there.”

Phoo. Go Yohan puffed out his lower lip and exhaled.

“Everyone in that house hates me.”

“……”

“I, I want to be loved. Jun-ah.”

For him to suddenly appear and say something like this while drunk. Go Yohan has gone as far as he can go. Or is he revealing his true nature? Was it right that he didn’t smoke or drink in the first place? How do I know if he was secretly hiding and doing it? I’m suspicious of all of that.

So I sneered. It was something I did without realizing it.

“It’s okay.”

“……Huh?”

“You’re being loved.”

Go Yohan, who was standing outside the gate, stood there blankly. I don’t know how long he had been outside, but his already fair skin was red with frostbite. A small breath came out of Go Yohan’s mouth as he stood there foolishly.

“By who?”

“I just heard it somewhere.”

“No, not that. Who am I being loved by?”

It’s strangely pitiful the way he’s asking. And it’s strange. Usually, shouldn’t the question be who I heard it from?

“Who else does that person love besides me? More than me?”

“……Hey, Go Yohan.”

“Who else besides me?”

“Go Yohan.”

Why do I always have to greet uninvited guests in front of my house gate? And why do I always have to give them counseling? And, why am I listening to those words even though I can kick him out? It’s like my predetermined fate is set up that way.

I suddenly looked at the sky. I didn’t see any stars in the sky that my gaze touched. There are definitely stars up there, but they’re hidden by the lights of the too-bright city.

I slowly opened my mouth. My breath rose into the sky.

This one time is the last time.

“There’s no one in the world who loves only you. Even my parents, who say ‘our beloved son’ as a habit, love their work more than me.”

“……”

“I learned that in middle school. Why are you so late?”

The ‘acceptance’ escape gave me courage. Only after receiving the opportunity to drop everything and live did I finally become able to say the words I wanted to say. I can just leave anyway. There’s nothing oppressing me anymore. That sense of liberation elevated me.

But Go Yohan, on the other hand, became smaller. Strangely, he became weaker as graduation approached. More and more, the more generous I became, the weaker Go Yohan became. It was the same right now. Go Yohan mumbled with his mouth slightly moving.

“I’m not.”

I felt a surge of anger at those words. I wanted to criticize Go Yohan no matter what. Strangely, I just hated that guy.

“You can’t have everything you want. You can’t be the best in every situation either.”

“I’m not.”

“You have to know how to give up too. Acknowledge it even if you don’t want to acknowledge it. That’s all you’re capable of.”

“I’m not!”

Go Yohan, interrupting my words, roughly swept his face with his palm. His already red, frostbitten face turned even redder. I don’t know if it’s because of the cold air, or if he’s really crying, or if they’re crocodile tears. Unidentifiable tears welled up in the uninvited guest’s eyes.

“What do you know? My whole life has been a series of giving up.”

“……You? Hey. You……”

“I’ve never had anything I wanted, not even once. Everyone, everyone hates me. Nothing works out.”

“That’s because your personality is weird.”

“It’s not my personality!”

We stood on the white snow, glaring at each other in a silent battle of wills. The reason I had been suppressing my emotions for days had finally reached its limit. Go Yohan seemed to be in the same state. He ran his chapped, red fingers through his hair, then cried out as if wailing.

“I… I’ve never had what I wanted. I always fail… My very existence is a failure… I was broken from the moment I was born. I’m defective. I’m dumber than my brother, and I… I want so many things, I want to have things… But I get robbed of everything.”

“……”

“Why are you pretending you don’t know? You know.”

“……What am I pretending not to know?”

“You too, you’re just like me. You were just like me. You too, you definitely saw it. Looking at Han Jun-woo, that bastard. Wanting him, wanting him so badly, but also wanting to surpass him, driven mad by inferiority. I recognized it.”

Go Yohan’s foot crossed the gate. The sound of him stepping on the accumulated snow was clear. But I still couldn’t take my eyes off Go Yohan’s face. What he was saying was squeezing me dry.

“Because you and I are the same kind.”

No. I’m not like that. The words I was about to say were swallowed back down.

“You too, there were plenty of times you couldn’t have what you wanted. You were in the same… the same boat as me. But… but you were different. In the end, you got what you wanted. You became the top student, you received love from your parents and Teacher… You made it. At least Homeroom Teacher liked you. You did it.”

“……”

“So do it for me too…”

Both of Go Yohan’s feet were completely over the gate.

“I… I think I could do it if I did…”

What should I do? I pondered that for a moment. I couldn’t say I wasn’t swayed by Go Yohan’s words. He was right. He was right. I tried to be loved by everyone. And Go Yohan, who so easily obtained the attention and admiration I craved, was actually wanting me. I silently touched my forehead. Then Go Yohan shouldn’t be doing this to me.

I moved my feet. And I forcibly grabbed Go Yohan’s arm, which was frozen stiff with cold, and turned him around. I pushed Go Yohan’s back without a word, who was flustered by the sudden action.

“Hey, wait…”

“Don’t say anything more.”

I didn’t want to hear Go Yohan’s excuses. I felt a instinctive revulsion. I had an uneasy feeling that maybe I was standing in the eye of the storm.

I’m also obsessed with Go Yohan. Because of my damn habit, he’s a pathetic bastard I haven’t been able to let go of until now. But I couldn’t become someone who could handle Go Yohan, and I don’t have the courage to do so. There’s an easy path for me. There’s no need for me to walk a difficult path for Go Yohan, who looks down on me. Yes, there isn’t.

I raised my head, pushed Go Yohan harder, and opened my mouth.

“You’re a good actor. Do your parents hate you a lot? Geez, why did I fall for that.”

Go Yohan frowned at my sudden confession. As if asking what I was talking about. I let out a hollow laugh. He’s really unbelievable every time I see him. Thinking I’d fall for it again.

“What are you talking about…”

“If you’re going to lie again, go ahead. I’m never going to see you again anyway. I want to swear at you right now, but I’m barely holding back my voice because I’m in front of my house.”

“Hey, Kang Jun. Who did you hear that from? Who blabbed?”

“I don’t know, but I’m glad I know that all the worries you just spouted are lies.”

“No, it’s not. Wait, wait!”

“Get out. Whether you think you can do it or not… take care of your worries at home. Don’t dump them on me.”

After pushing the staggering Go Yohan out the gate, I grabbed the doorknob. And before Go Yohan could turn around, I quickly closed the door. I didn’t want to see the expression Go Yohan was making. Through the closing gap, I saw below Go Yohan’s neck. It felt strangely heavy, and I felt like I was being blamed.

So to speak, I used this opportunity, this Go Yohan dawn, to release everything that had been pent up. Maybe I was drunk too. Because of the heretic who flowed in at dawn, my mouth moved on its own.

“If you knock on the gate again, I’m calling the police. There’s no need to save face when it comes to things related to you anymore, and I hate running into you more than I’m embarrassed. Come to think of it, you’re drunk right now, aren’t you? Good for you.”

“Jun-ah.”

I don’t want to hear it. Not even you calling my name. Not calling me Kang Jun, but Jun-ah. I pushed the door hard. Bang. The door slammed shut. No, I closed it. In the end, I didn’t see Go Yohan’s face. I was afraid to see it. Afraid that I would do something stupid again. Or that I would regret my choice.

“Just please get lost now! Get away from me! Before I hate you even more terribly!”

The sound of knocking on the gate gradually stopped. The very last sound was a very small sound that could only be heard in the silence. Somehow, that sound sounded a little sad. I lowered my gaze. Go Yohan’s legs were visible below the gate. He was on the other side of me, but Go Yohan was silent and frozen like ice.

At the same time, I had an ominous feeling that this moment would remain as a disturbing lump that I couldn’t push aside deep in my heart in the near future. Maybe even tomorrow morning. And my instinct, like an obsession, told me that the lump would only be barely forgotten after a very long time.

But I pretended not to know. I thought I had every right to do so.

“Let’s never see each other again, you son of a bitch.”

I didn’t know there was so little to do if I didn’t go to school. I guess I’ve been living a busy life. School, academies, private tutoring, even self-study. When all my daily routines disappeared, all that was left was emptiness.

“Ah, I’m bored…”

I was so bored that I went out to the garden and stretched, and I even downloaded a game that was said to be famous on the computer. Honestly, it wasn’t fun, so I turned it off after 10 minutes. My eyes just hurt, and I felt motion sickness. I also read the news that popped up on the search screen. All the newspapers were only telling the same stories, so it was boring.

1 PM. Finally, I gave up on everything and lay down on the bed. Just thinking about having to do this until graduation made me feel like I was going to suffocate.

Okay, let’s make a hobby. But what hobby?

When I think about what hobby to do, nothing comes to mind. It was because I had never thought of a creative idea. I was just good at memorizing, but I had never actively done anything. Should I exercise? I shook my head.

“That’s too much trouble…”

Exercise doesn’t suit me. It’s just in my nature. The only events I got an A in at the physical fitness test were long-distance running and hanging on for a long time. I only have pure endurance. Everything else is mediocre.

Then what should I do? I blinked and looked at the ceiling. Something was floating around on the white wallpaper. It’s probably floating in my eyes, not on the wallpaper. Is it called vitreous floaters? The shape of the vitreous floaters looks like the continent of Europe. Ah. I jumped up from the bed.

“Should I go see my parents?”

I got into college, and they’d be happy to see their son. I could also travel. I couldn’t control my suddenly excited body and fell off the bed. The moment I picked up my phone with a thud, the excitement that had suddenly soared plummeted to the ground.

“Ah, I turned off my phone.”

I can’t do anything with a phone with a black screen since this morning. Also, wealth is built on diligence. Since they use those words as the driving force behind their work, I would definitely get scolded if I brought up these words unless I was sick. I’m only skipping school now under the pretext of being sick.

I have to endure until at least graduation. Ugh, I groaned and lay back down on the bed.

There’s another reason why I was particularly distressed.

After that, someone came to our house every night. The Auntie found out that someone was quietly loitering in front of the gate and leaving at irregular times in the early morning. When I asked how she knew since the doorbell never rang, she said she saw it on the CCTV. I didn’t bother to look at the CCTV. It was obvious who it was.

“I’m definitely not going out. Who knows what I’ll be subjected to if I go out.”

To explain my situation, it’s an escape. No, is it exile? Or is it closing the castle gates and holding out until the end? If you ask if I’m doing this because I’m afraid of Go Yohan, the answer is ‘yes.’ However, I knew that this sit-in was a wise choice. Go Yohan can’t be dealt with by fair means.

“I’m the one who’s going to look ridiculous if I face him. Why would I meet him?”

However, there’s a big disadvantage to this sit-in. Since I have nothing to do, I end up thinking about Go Yohan.

Go Yohan’s expression that I didn’t see that day, only the Go Yohan below the neck that I saw. That kept following me like a ghost. I resented myself for not being able to raise my head at that time. I should have looked. I should have been stubborn and looked at that time. The wings of imagination made me bind myself.

What kind of face was Go Yohan making then?

My emotions can’t be simply summed up into one thing. All the various complex situations, feelings, and realities were like colored clay, clumped together and playing separately without mixing. It would be better if they were all clumped together and gray. Before the colors can even mix, Go Yohan always does something. When color is applied to gray clay, swirling lines of color are created. Like roughly mixed paint being sucked into a drain.

Every morning, the Auntie would just stare at me, and on the seventh day, she asked for the first time.

“Are you sure it’s okay not to go to school?”

Those words were so stinging. I felt like I was being scolded and started rattling off excuses.

“I’m sick. I have a bad cold these days.”

The Auntie, who shared the same space, would have quickly realized my lie. But she didn’t seem to care, just nodded once and didn’t ask any more questions.

In fact, I had gone to school a few days ago. Because boredom and the hellish imagination that came every time bound me.

I wore the school uniform that I hadn’t worn for a long time after washing it, so it smelled unfamiliar, and I went all the way to the school gate. However, the sound of the bell spreading throughout the school and the commotion of teenagers that weighed heavily on my heart pushed me away. In the end, I couldn’t go home because I was worried about the Auntie’s eyes, so I just wandered around near my house. I was able to return home at 12:30 PM.

When I lie down on the bed because I have nothing to do, that scene comes to mind like a nightmare that always follows me. Go Yohan below the neck. In my dream, I try to raise my head, but I can’t.

When I wake up from a nap, sweat soaks my whole body like rain. It’s not even hot in the house. My body is full of heat. I washed my sticky body, worried that I might really catch a cold. Then, when I was thirsty and came out of my room wearing a shower gown, the Auntie, who I ran into, said calmly.

“They asked what happened to your phone.”

Am I the only one who’s embarrassed? I fastened my gown out of unnecessary embarrassment.

“It’s broken. Please tell them I’ll buy one soon.”

“Yes.”

When I drink water and go back to my room to change clothes, I smell Go Yohan on my body. I shouldn’t have lent him my body wash. I should have told him to just wash with water. Annoying. I took off the gown I was wearing and threw it on the floor in anger. Only the sound of flapping was heard, and my anger wasn’t relieved.

“……”

Why did that bastard have to show up and make me worry? Everything was calm now. Things were going well. No, it’s not past tense, things are still going well now. That’s right.

So when my thoughts get deep, I fill the sink with water. When it’s full enough to fill both hands, I bury my head in it. Then my thoughts become calm.

That’s how I endured until graduation. I managed to endure.

The day before graduation, I finally turned on my phone. Surprisingly, no one was looking for me. I was speechless for a moment at the silent screen. I guess my social circle is really this small. I’ve been acting like a social butterfly, so it’s understandable that they hate me.

I blocked Go Yohan, so I don’t know if he was looking for me or not. Anyway, he’s the kind of guy who sneaks around in front of our house like a thief all night and hides, so I wasn’t curious. No, I pretended not to be curious.

Then, one of the messages that had been piling up came in. It was Homeroom Teacher.

「Jun-ah, I’m sorry, Teacher.」

It was Homeroom Teacher. I read the tsunami caused by premature expectations in those short words. I actually felt a little sorry. Were the days I was hiding like the days of a castaway walking without water in the desert for Homeroom Teacher?

I looked at the clock. 9 PM. It’s a borderline rude time. I wish I had found it just 5 minutes earlier. I was about to turn off my phone with regret, but I stopped. Isn’t it a bad thing to increase the suffering even more? I only have to send one short message anyway.

I decided to be a little rude for Homeroom Teacher’s sake. I moved my hand a little and pressed confirm.

「It’s okay, and don’t worry about me.」

Then I turned off the screen and turned around to get a glass of water, but I got a call right away. As expected, it was Homeroom Teacher again. After a brief hesitation, I lightly cleared my throat and answered the phone.

-Jun-ah, why didn’t you answer my calls all this time? I was so worried!

“Well, I wasn’t feeling well.”

-Oh, my…

“I’m sorry. Were you worried a lot?”

-Jun-ah, I’m really sorry, Teacher. Ha, well. Teacher was really sure… Ah, but I’m really ashamed. I have nothing to say.

“It’s okay.”

She was so sorry that I felt even more sorry and couldn’t continue speaking. I wanted to tell her the news of my acceptance right away to relieve this uncomfortable feeling, but I was afraid that Go Yohan would hear about it, so I couldn’t open my mouth. I just had to repeat the word ‘it’s okay’ like a parrot.

That’s how the day of hell came.

I woke up from a nightmare without a head again, but even when I opened my eyes, I was still in the nightmare. I barely got up, washed, and sighed while pulling on my school uniform tie. I could feel my lower lip trembling because of the breath I exhaled.

I postponed my steps as much as possible. I could feel the gazes of the people around me. It was because of the bulky bouquet of flowers that was already in my arms. The Auntie gave it to me as soon as I woke up in the morning. I stared at her in shock, and she calmed me down with her usual indifferent tone.

“Jun-i’s parents gave it to you. The order came this morning.”

“Ah, ah… Yes. Thank you.”

“Yes.”

After that, silence. I couldn’t stand the silence and ran out of the house. I often found the current Auntie comfortable but also difficult.

When I arrived at school at a slow pace, the graduation ceremony had already begun. The speakers were turned up so loud that the principal’s voice could be heard outside the building. And I met Han Tae-san, who seemed to be waiting for someone at the school gate.

“Damn it.”

Han Tae-san looked at me, and I pretended not to see Han Tae-san and passed by. It was very blatant. I bit my lip after turning my head. Damn it, I was obvious. But I was still going to ignore him and pass by, but this persistent guy called out my name without any tact.

“Ju, Jun-ah!”

His always messy school uniform-like way of speaking was still the same. It’s more embarrassing to pretend not to know now. I suppressed my annoyance and turned around.

“Oh, Tae-san-ah. Hi.”

The end of pretense. Even I think I’m disgusting.

“A, are you here now?”

“Yeah.”

“……”

“……”

If I answered, he should ask me something, but he stubbornly remained silent. I was the one who lost the game of silence. I guess I’m less patient than Han Tae-san.

“What are you doing here?”

“Ah, ah… Gra, Grandma…”

“Waiting for your grandma?”

“Y, yeah…”

Damn it, Han Tae-san is making a pitiful face. Why did this bastard have to be born with a pitiful life? But if I constantly repeat ‘don’t pity him,’ it’s bearable.

“Is your grandma getting better?”

“Th, thanks to you…”

“Thanks to me? What did I do?”

“……”

“……”

Again, silence. My left sole automatically tapped the sandy ground.

“Can I go now?”

“Huh? Oh, oh…”

Again, his round face droops sadly. Don’t pity him. He’s the one who’s messing up his own life. He’s the bastard who made the outrageous statement that my life might flow similarly to his. I desperately brainwashed myself. But brainwashing isn’t as easy as I thought. Especially for a suspicious guy like me.

I was about to move towards the auditorium, but I changed direction. And I strode over and handed Han Tae-san the bouquet of flowers I was holding, as if hitting his chest.

“Th, this is…?”

“A graduation gift. You take it.”

“……”

“Show it to your grandma, it’s expensive, you can brag about it. Say a friend gave it to you. You’ve only been hanging out with Han Jun-woo every time you come to Seoul. She’ll be worried. Tell her you have other friends besides Han Jun-woo.”

“Th, thank you……”

“Jun won’t say anything about this, right?”

“……”

Han Tae-san hesitated, then nodded slightly. I nodded back, mirroring him.

“Then it’s settled.”

“Y, you.”

“Yeah?”

“H, how did college go? Go?”

“Ah, that.”

I tilted my head up and pouted. Should I tell him, or should I not? The conclusion was to not tell him. There’s no harm in being careful in life.

“It’s okay. It’ll work out.”

“……”

“What about you?”

“Me? M, me……”

His timid voice is shy. Not the shyness of excitement, but the all-too-familiar shame.

“……I, I didn’t do well.”

“It’s understandable that you didn’t do well.”

“……”

How could you study in that situation? I even dropped 12 places. Ah, I shouldn’t have thought that. Damn it, I feel a sense of kinship. I quickly frowned and shook my head. Talking to Han Tae-san any longer will only mess up my life. I hurriedly decided to leave this place, and I lightly tapped the bouquet that Han Tae-san was holding with my fingertips.

“Don’t go to college, become a civil servant.”

“……”

“You were good at studying. Study more and get into the civil service through a special high school recruitment. That’s the best for your situation. You’ve probably used up all the money you had to treat your grandma’s illness anyway.”

It’s unnecessary meddling. I knew that, but I said it anyway. Ugh, if I hadn’t lightly wiped my face with the back of my hand to manage my expression, I almost made a blatantly disgusted face.

“Ah, okay……. Thank you.”

“I’m leaving.”

I moved my feet before I committed any more stupid acts. Uh……. I could hear Han Tae-san wanting to say more from afar, but I didn’t look back and left the place. And feeling the stuffy presence disappear, I thought that I would never meet Han Tae-san again.

When I arrived at the entrance of the auditorium, it was already packed with people. Parents in fancy clothes were blocking the way. It’s clear that even if I struggled to get in, I would only see things I didn’t want to see. Thinking about that terrible thought made me sick and tired, so I gave up. It’s enough to just take a graduation photo with my phone camera.

I turned around, positioned myself so that the graduation banner would be visible, and turned on the camera. Click. The photo was taken with a short signal. When I checked the screen, it turned out pretty well.

“……In celebration of the successful graduation from high school, there will be a speech by An Jisu from Class 2 of the 3rd grade, who achieved the best grades this year……”

Ah, I’m glad I didn’t go in. I glared into the auditorium with a disgusted face. And then, why, of all times, did I make eye contact with Go Yohan, who turned around. I should have remembered that Go Yohan is the tallest in the entire school. Of course, he would be standing at the very back.

“……”

I felt my pupils dilate. A small ray of sunlight flowing in the air shot into my eyes. My vision, wounded by the sharp light, blurred. I frowned. Run away. The survival instinct shouted through electrical signals. I covered one eye with my palm. Run away. Go Yohan, who had made eye contact with me, completely turned his body. I reflexively lowered my head to avoid Go Yohan’s face. Go Yohan’s feet, visible below, were pushing through the crowd and approaching.

Run away!

The moment his toes came into view, my feet finally left the ground.

I ran. I just ran aimlessly.

But my body instinctively sought familiar places and directions. The hallway I knew well, the stairs I knew well. I grabbed the railing and caught my rough breath as I went up, and I heard a scary running sound from behind. A rapidly rolling footstep.

“Hu, huh……”

In extreme situations, the body shows miracles. I swallowed my tired breath and ran again. The sound of my running and the mismatched footsteps were rapidly running towards me. I couldn’t see, so I didn’t know how far he had come. My terrified eyes searched for an empty classroom.

I looked for any visible classroom, opened the door, felt relieved at the door that was open, closed the door, lowered my body, and hid under the desk.

I held my breath as much as possible and caught my breath, grabbing the desk legs.

The world I listened to while sitting still was very quiet. As that silence continued for a few minutes, I felt relieved. It was my delusion, Go Yohan didn’t follow me. It was an auditory hallucination created by my imagination. I had a comfortable thought that it would be easier to believe that way.

Still, being very cautious, I still didn’t make a sound and slowly put my butt on the ground.

“Damn, I was so surprised……”

“……Jun.”

The brain that was relieved by self-consolation burned black. My whole body stiffened. It was a sound from behind. I moved my stiff muscles and turned my head back with only my neck.

There, Go Yohan was breathing heavily.

“……”

Go Yohan is coming closer. One step, two steps. The floor vibrates with each step. The vibration travels through my hand on the floor and heads to my brain. But the dead brain didn’t react. Not even before Go Yohan came in front of me and suddenly lowered his body.

“……”

After that, I just thought, ‘I’m getting hit.’

I reflexively closed my eyes tightly and raised my hands to block my head. I was trembling in the darkness for a long time, but I didn’t feel any pain. It’s strange. My heart was pounding like crazy. I couldn’t stand it and opened my eyes slightly.

And I saw an unbelievable sight.

“……Go, Go Yohan.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you so much……”

Go Yohan had his head buried under me and was holding my feet with his hands. The legs he was holding were so numb that the blood wasn’t flowing. Just listening to his voice, I knew that it wasn’t something Go Yohan intended to do.

“Thank you……”

My dead brain didn’t accept the words of gratitude well. It was because I was so surprised. It couldn’t be helped that all the thought circuits were stopped. My brain had been abused too much during that time.

“You bastard, no, I, I didn’t come to see you……!”

After being surprised for a long time, I pushed Go Yohan’s shoulders, who was bowing his head under me, violently. The moment I saw Go Yohan’s face as he lifted his waist while falling, I finally saw the face I was trying to find in my nightmare.

It was the first time I had seen such a face.

A face that couldn’t be explained in words, couldn’t be drawn in pictures, and could only be remembered with my eyes. The black brain turns to ashes. It was such a shocking face that I couldn’t even capture it in my memory. I stammered, saying, uh, uh……. The vision that had been so painful that my eyes were sore was gradually returning.

The world comes into focus clearly. As if trying to remember this moment.

I saw the identity of Go Yohan above my neck, who I had been suffering from in my imagination.

Nightmare, Go Yohan, pupils, dead brain. Everything was out of its mind. I, who was in it, was also out of my mind. All the emotions and words I had experienced and heard so far were mixed up.

‘Well, shouldn’t you give him a kiss or something.’

The breaker tripped so easily. That’s why I committed such an act.

I knelt down and approached Go Yohan. And I grabbed the face that I thought I would never forget and kissed him. Surprisingly, the first kiss wasn’t lemon or lime, but salty.

“……”

“……”

I pushed Go Yohan’s shoulders away and made eye contact. The eyes that met changed in various ways like a spectrum that shines light. When the color finally found a rainbow color, I finally came to my senses.

Crazy, you crazy bastard.

My body jumped up like a spring. I wiped my lips with my rough palm, which was sure to be dirty. My red-hot head set up a defensive wall to defend me again. I leaned on the desk with my hands and barely supported my staggering body. And to Go Yohan, who was kneeling and looking up at me,

“T, this is enough, isn’t it enough now.”

“……”

“Then end it now.”

After saying this, I turned around and ran away. In the hallway I last looked back at, there was a class from my second year. No wonder the inside of the classroom felt familiar. It was the class where Go Yohan and I met.

[To be continued in Volume 5]