By Zephyria 
“Wow, I didn’t see you as someone like that…”
Kim Min-ho’s eyes shone brightly, as if he were admiring someone.
“A strategist! Shit, you’re right. Wow, crazy! No wonder. Those smart bastards are different. Yeah, you’re right! That’s why they dragged you around. Yeah! You’re right! Timing is important.”
Kim Min-ho even punched the air, making a fuss. I was worried he might be stubborn again, but my words seemed to have resonated with him, as he kept admiring them on his own. I was subtly worried that Kim Min-ho might change his mind, so I asked.
“After the vacation ends, that’s okay, right?”
“Of course, of course! Man, that’s a really good idea. How about right after the vacation ends? Would that be okay? Would, like, the kids spread it around like crazy?”
“A little later than that. It’s better when it’s really boring, when there are no rumors to spread.”
“Crazy, ah, my mouth is already itching. Ah, how can I stand this fun?”
Even while saying that, Kim Min-ho couldn’t stop giggling and laughing. Seeing that pathetic sight, I felt a little relieved. Okay, at least I bought some time.
I have no intention of doing what Kim Min-ho wants. But I can’t have even a small scar on my reputation. It was a weak tower that was already collapsing, shattered by Go Yohan. I have a good future that my parents have set for me. That’s why I had to use my head more than others. What should I do? What should I do? While I was thinking that, summer vacation came.
It was my last high school summer vacation.
My parents came to visit for the vacation. They brought a car full of gifts and burst into tears as soon as they saw me. Especially my mom. She grabbed my face and looked at it in detail, and only after seeing that I was unharmed did she feel relieved.
The main topic came up that evening. It was at a restaurant, in front of a pile of fancy food under the pretext of ‘atoning for the sin of not taking care of their son.’ Father even went out to take a call in the middle, and Mother, while cutting a piece of meat soaked in blood with a knife, casually dropped my hardship.
“I heard you ranked 12th in the whole school.”
My gaze naturally went to the floor.
“Ah…”
Of course, it was a situation I had to face someday, but revealing the truth was something I really didn’t want to do. I always felt a strange sense of guilt towards my parents, so I had a habit of minimizing bad things. My dropped grades were included in that. But the secret I desperately tried to hide reached my mother without me wanting it to. I was prepared for it, and it was inevitable.
“When did you find out?”
“A while ago. I didn’t say anything on purpose because I was worried it would hurt my son.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“Sorry!”
The silverware landed heavily on the table. Mother swallowed her anger.
“Don’t say that. It breaks my heart when you say that. What fault do you have? It’s because of those pathetic vermin. Those trash who are jealous of our son and try to bring him down like that. Our son was just unlucky. Me too. I left you alone too much, thinking you would take care of everything. I’ll reflect on that too.”
This absolute support makes me even more miserable. It’s like I’ve become a son who has broken their trust.
“No, it’s just that I couldn’t concentrate. I’ll do better in the future.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve already looked into everything. There are so many kind parents, and I’ve received many recommendations for good consulting. With your grades, Regular Admission is still possible, and after listening carefully, it’s not hopeless.”
“Ah, yes. Homeroom Teacher said the same thing.”
“Of course. And these days, all the consultants are good. When I asked them over the phone, they said that you’ve done so well so far that you can do it. You just have to follow them. There’s no need to worry. We can fill up more volunteer hours and increase the number of school competitions.”
“I don’t have time for volunteer work…”
“It’s okay. I’ve already talked to my classmate’s hospital. You don’t have to go.”
“…What about school competitions? There are only six months left. There won’t be any competitions to participate in.”
“I’m meeting with the Vice Principal tomorrow, so that’ll be okay too.”
“What are you going to do when you meet?”
“Jun-ah.”
Her calm voice soothes me. My parents are always so absolute. The anxious worries that always stirred up disappeared with this one word.
“Mom will take care of everything.”
Kang Jun is truly blessed with good parents. No matter how many times I think about it, the answer is always the same.
“Our son just do what you’ve been doing without any worries. Don’t be discouraged. Our son is going to grow up and make people work for him. Got it?”
What can I say to such excessive praise and unlimited trust? I was tormented by the shame that poured down on me.
“…Thank you so much.”
“It’s not thanks, it’s natural.”
“Um, but who did you hear this from?”
Even in the midst of the countless shames, curiosity blooms. It was pure curiosity. Whose parents are caring about me and giving me these benefits?
“What? Your grades? I heard it from the academy Teacher. He said it was a serious matter, but it wasn’t that serious.”
“No, not that… the consulting. Who did you get the recommendation from?”
“Why?”
Mother tilted her head to the side and asked.
“No, I was wondering if it was Jisu from Class 2.”
“Jisu? An Jisu? The one who always ranked first in the whole school before you, right? Why her? Are you close?”
“Yes? Ah, yes. We’re just a little close.”
“Really? I guess the kid and the mom are different. Her mom is a real viper. She only takes good information from the meetings and keeps all the good information she gets outside to herself. She’s the type of person who would have been kicked out of the meetings a long time ago if her son wasn’t good at studying. Ugh.”
They’re alike. Like son, like mother. I thought to myself and muttered quietly. Mother heard it and put down her cup and asked.
“What did you say?”
“No, it’s nothing.”
I quickly waved my hand. Then I smiled as naturally as possible. Mother smiled lightly at my smile, then tapped the table lightly and said as if she had just remembered.
“The consulting, oh, you know the next-door neighbor, right? The boy who lives next door. The one who’s in your class.”
“Yes… yes?”
“That mom. She contacted me first and asked if I was thinking of getting some college entrance consulting. I didn’t expect it. She told me all sorts of high-level information. Her help was a big help.”
“The next-door neighbor?”
“Yeah, the next-door neighbor. Her eldest son has experienced the college entrance exam once, so she’s very knowledgeable. She’s a real expert, you know?”
“The next-door neighbor?”
“Yes, why do you keep asking?”
“…”
What is it? What on earth is going on? In my head, a middle-aged woman with a weak appearance smiled elegantly, like the smile I had seen sometime before. Actually, her face is blurry. She wasn’t that impressive of a person, so why is she suddenly popping up here?
“How did she know Mother’s number?”
“It would be strange if she didn’t know. All the parents have each other’s contact information.”
“How did she suddenly know about my situation…”
“Of course she would know. Her second son is friends with you, right? He’s in the same class as you?”
“Yes?”
That’s true, but… I couldn’t understand the situation at all.
Why is that person suddenly showing me this kindness? Even after that incident, she didn’t come to me, and the arrogant high school student next door only did suspicious things? Does she have some ulterior motive? Am I being bribed by the arrogant high school student who found out about her son’s secret, or is she forgiving me with a heart as vast as the sea? Her actions, whose intentions I can’t understand, are eating away at my nerves.
“Why, is something wrong?”
“…Are you going to visit her? That person?”
“Are you worried because she’s a friend’s parent? It’s okay. I’ll go alone.”
What are you going to do? Kang Jun? I stood at a crossroads of choices. Are you going to run away or face it?
After a short deliberation, I came to the latter conclusion. Kang Jun doesn’t like things that end unpleasantly. It’s better to face it and come to a conclusion. Also, I hate being backstabbed without knowing what’s going on.
“No, she’s the one who helped me directly so that I could do well. I should visit her myself. Wouldn’t she think I’m rude if I didn’t go?”
“It would be even better if you did.”
When I thought of Go Yohan and his house, I remembered someone. It’s humiliating and embarrassing, but it’s someone I had to meet someday.
“But… it’s embarrassing to have received help. I hope my classmate doesn’t know about it.”
“Jun-ah.”
My parents, who gave birth to me and raised me, clearly have a tendency to overrate me unconditionally. I don’t know if it’s because of the guilt of leaving their child alone for the rest of their lives, or if it’s because I’m their only son, but I’m cute.
“You’re too kind. I’m not worried about your grades, I’m worried that you’re too kind.”
「Are you practicing your acting well?」
That Kim Min-ho has terrible timing. He sent me a message when I was holding a large flower basket in one hand and a paper bag containing wine and a brand-name necklace in the other. Why did I have to hold my cell phone in my already full hands? Mother, who was pressing the doorbell and waiting for a response, saw the screen flashing.
“Who is it?”
“It’s nothing. It’s a friend from school.”
“It’s not someone who’s bullying you or a strange friend, is it?”
“Of course not.”
I wrinkled my nose and smiled. Then I laboriously moved my thumb and wrote a short message.
「Shut up」
I pray and pray that Kim Min-ho will shut up. In front of this crazy Catholic family. Soon, the front door opened with a loud noise, and an unfamiliar kind face stood in the familiar garden.
“You’re here? I’m sorry I came out late. I was preparing various things because you said you were coming.”
“No, it’s nice to meet you for the first time. I’m the one who’s sorry for not coming right away. I live right next door, but I kept putting it off with the excuse of work. I’m not qualified to be a parent.”
“No, I’m the same. I’m busy taking care of my youngest, and I’m busy taking care of my eldest… These days, I just contact everyone by cell phone, so I’m getting complacent.”
“Please take this first.”
“Oh my, you shouldn’t have… It’s really okay.”
After the friendly greetings mixed with excuses between the adults, my introduction began. Mother pointed at me with one hand, and I showed the gifts in my hands and bowed my head.
“…Hello.”
As I straightened my back slightly, my eyes met Go Yohan’s mother’s. It was an awkward moment. To be honest, it would be a lie if I said I wasn’t uncomfortable. But I had to do what I had to do.
“Oh, yes… Nice to meet you. We’ve met before, right?”
“Oh, have you seen him before?”
“Yes. Before.”
Her kind and beautiful face smiled carefully. As if she was very generous. I was the one who took the lead and explained to my mother, who was wondering if there had been a meeting. I hurriedly explained to my mother.
“I’ve only seen her once.”
“When? Why didn’t I know?”
“…I’ve come here a few times.”
I bowed even deeper than before.
“I’m really sorry about what happened then. I apologized to Yohan and ended it well.”
First, I had to keep my promise with Go Yohan.
“…Was there something you had to apologize for? This is the first time I’ve heard about it.”
“No, it’s just… I’m sorry for apologizing so late.”
“Jun-ah, what…?”
Mother put her hand on my back and asked quietly, but I couldn’t answer. The reason I didn’t make excuses was because I didn’t want to reveal my mistakes. That’s why I apologized as soon as I met her. Rather than talking about each other’s situations in a plausible place and easing the atmosphere, I wanted to move on quickly and urgently. Because the topic of conversation changes when the place changes. I intended to resolve the matter in a place where I wouldn’t stay long.
“Really, what did you have to apologize for?”
But I didn’t expect her to ask so openly. I thought she would just let it go because she looked weak, but she specifically brought up the topic I wanted to avoid.
“Ah, yes? Ah…, that’s…”
I looked at my mother’s face. I definitely have something to say. It’s a word I’ve been repeating for months. ‘I acted arrogantly back then. That’s why I was ashamed and sorry and couldn’t come. I’m getting along with Yohan again, so please don’t think it’s strange if I don’t come to visit.’ That’s what I have to say. But my mouth won’t open like a mute who’s eaten honey. I kept looking at my mother’s face.
I thought it would be easier if Mother was here. I should have just come alone and poured out my apologies with my eyes closed. I just kept putting it off because I was so uncomfortable meeting this family.
“That’s…”
My mouth opened and closed. The words that couldn’t come out burst out like air bubbles. I closed my mouth, opened it, put saliva on my lips, mumbled, looked at the quiet atmosphere, and finally clenched my fist. Just as I was about to take out a terrible confession with a stuffy throat, a calm voice cut off my courage.
“I don’t know what you did wrong at all, you’ve always been polite, haven’t you?”
“Yes?”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Of course, I wouldn’t have contacted you directly because I was worried about Jun-i if I didn’t think he was pretty.”
“Oh my goodness.”
“I’m really jealous that you have a son like this.”
Mother’s face flushed with admiration. And her curved crescent eyes looked at me proudly. On the contrary, I was dumbfounded and just looked at my mother and Go Yohan’s mother.
“I really gave birth to a good son. He’s so admirable.”
“I know. I wish I had a son like Jun-i. Our kids don’t have such good personalities… Our husband praises Jun-i all the time.”
At those words, Mother’s face brightened instantly. With a willing and happy face, Mother returned the praise full of courtesy.
“If he’s the son of someone like you, he must be a good child. Besides, the second one is friends with our Jun, and Jun always says that he’s smart. Of course, he’s in the top class, but still. Right, Jun-ah?”
“Yes? Ah, ah… Yes. He, he’s good at studying too.”
“He’s just barely hanging on, but still. Thank you for saying such nice things. Thank you too. Jun-ah.”
I can’t come to my senses in the conversation full of pretense. I don’t even know if this is pretense or genuine praise. Mother remembered the praise with just the word ‘same class,’ and her quick wit was truly amazing. I’ve never praised Go Yohan in front of my mother even once.
“Ah, and actually, as I said yesterday… I was really lucky to get a connection when I was preparing for my first child’s college entrance exam. It’s a person who has a waiting list for the first-come-first-served basis, so it’s a bit awkward to suddenly ask for consulting, as it’s like cutting in line. You haven’t told any other parents, have you?”
“Of course. I kept my mouth shut. I was actually worried…”
“What are you worried about? You were already preparing everything so well. I just helped a little. Oh, don’t do this here, come in. I’ve prepared some good tea.”
“Thank you, then I’ll be on my way.”
Long, slender fingers pointed to the familiar front door. Her kind face smiled brightly. I suddenly felt like the door of that entrance was like the jaws of hell with the face of heaven. I felt like I would be eaten if I went in, and that I had touched a hornet’s nest that I shouldn’t have touched. I moved my clenched fists finely to loosen my stiff body.
“Oh, please call your employee before you go in.”
“Yes?”
“I’ve prepared some gifts of gratitude, but it seems a little heavy for our son to keep carrying.”
All I could trust was my mother. Mother held her head up straight and smiled back. My only hope was shining like that. I thought I was right to come with her.
“Oh my, I’m so sorry. Was it very heavy?”
“No, no. I’m okay.”
Even in this situation, I didn’t say ‘It wasn’t heavy,’ but I was my mother’s son. I’m a proper adult next year, and I pride myself on being smart. But as soon as I entered the living room of this house, I became a white idiot.
It really was a wise choice to come with my mother. I couldn’t tell if my mother and Go Yohan’s mother got along well or were just pretending to, but they were chatting away amusingly. Stories about their sons’ school life passed by like stepping stones, and soon the topic shifted to money, about which area’s land prices were rising. I sat there dumbly without saying a word.
It was because I had seen Go Yohan’s middle school graduation photo in the living room where we were invited.
“The area near the new city is definitely seeing a surge in land prices. It’s because the KTX station will be built there.”
“Really? I heard there’s considerable opposition from nearby provinces.”
“No, it’ll be built right after this administration ends, or at least a few years after. I’ll let you know the location, so it wouldn’t be bad to buy around there.”
“Are you sure?”
Go Yohan’s mother’s eye smile disappeared, and her deep gaze turned to my mother in an instant. My mother took a sip of her tea and calmly continued.
“Trust me. It’s a reward. Shouldn’t I at least offer this much?”
“I haven’t done anything great enough to hear this kind of information… You’re really amazing. I don’t know much about these things since I’m not well-educated, and the kids are the same. I need to learn too.”
“You’re already doing so well. Your eldest son is already studying at a prestigious university abroad.”
“Oh my? You keep praising me. But I still find raising children so difficult.”
“Three is definitely difficult, right?”
“It is. They came from the same womb, but their personalities are all so different.”
This was a conversation to be heard with one ear and let out the other. My gaze was still directed inside the glass cabinet. Surely, surely there was nothing in that spot before. Now, a younger Go Yohan was smiling so dazzlingly. And he was holding an overflowing bouquet of flowers.
I wiped my sweaty palms on my thighs.
“…Yohan must have been a bit more spoiled, right?”
I asked, as if possessed, still looking at the cabinet.
“He has such a unique personality, after all.”
“Do you feel that way?”
“Don’t you?”
Finally, my gaze fell from the cabinet. I unconsciously looked at Go Yohan’s mother’s eyes. I thought it might have felt like an accusation, so I quickly averted my gaze. But she said something a little incomprehensible.
“I wonder.”
That was all. I was taken aback and looked up. That’s it? What does “I wonder” mean? Go Yohan’s mother, who had said something incomprehensible, was smiling with an equally incomprehensible expression.
“I find my youngest daughter more difficult. Maybe it’s because she’s my first daughter.”
“I don’t have a daughter, so I can’t give you any advice. I’m sorry.”
“We both were daughters once, but it’s strange that having a daughter is difficult.”
A moment of silent laughter flowed. The sound of teacups clinking could be heard. Everyone in the room was just smiling slightly and passing the time when, as if something had suddenly come to mind, my mother put down her teacup and continued.
“Come to think of it, the second child in this house is more and more incomprehensible the more I hear about him. He sounds like a somewhat unique friend. Maybe he has some talent in the arts…?”
“No. It’s just that kids are all like that. Complicated. Isn’t Jun like that too?”
“Well, I guess so.”
My mother gently smoothed my hair with a slow gesture and said,
“But Jun was easy to raise. He did so well on his own.”
“I’m jealous. My child is the opposite.”
“He must have been a spoiled child.”
“Yes. He’s very spoiled.”
Go Yohan is just like all those kids? And spoiled? That’s just absurd. I’m speechless with disbelief. To think she was wearing such a thick mask on that kind face. Go Yohan’s mother in front of me acted like the most benevolent person who sincerely loved her son.
Liar. She condoned the bullying of her own son.
“Thinking about it, Jun must have indulged our Yohan a lot. I’m sorry.”
And that’s what she said to me. I was so awkward with the sudden apology.
“Even in the future, if Yohan makes a mistake, can Jun take good care of him?”
“Ah…”
What could I say here? I just nodded weakly.
“Yes.”
“Yohan? His name is Yohan?”
“Yes. We named him after his baptismal name. You know we’re a Catholic family, right?”
“Youngsung, it’s famous.”
But my answer scattered into the air, and only the mothers’ conversation continued. I scanned the surroundings with a slightly uneasy face.
Then maybe, after hearing that I was coming, she put the photo in that cabinet? On purpose? My face is burning. I don’t know if it’s because I’m angry or because the memory from that time is making me embarrassed. The most certain emotion I feel is fear stemming from embarrassment. I was afraid my face would be discovered. In the end, I decided to escape from that place.
“I’m going to the bathroom.”
“Oh my, okay. Do you know where it is?”
“Yes.”
“That’s a relief. Be careful.”
Her beautiful and elegant face smiles kindly. I reflexively turned my head.
Unfortunately, the only bathroom location I knew was the second-floor bathroom that Go Yohan had told me about. It didn’t matter since my purpose wasn’t to relieve myself, but to spend some time alone. After arriving at the bathroom, I just washed my hands. While looking at the mirror I hadn’t seen in a while.
“…What should I do?”
The faucet was still open, and the sound of water flowing chilled my head. Even though I had already washed my hands thoroughly, I pointlessly repeated rinsing them in the water.
I was soaked in a terrible sense of defeat. I couldn’t bear how ridiculous and laughable I was, trying to figure out what Go Yohan’s mother’s intention was in helping me. I was arrogant again. Kang Jun. No, it’s not that I’m weird. It’s natural to be curious. No matter how I think about it, I don’t know at all why she’s being so kind to me. I only found out one thing.
‘Ah, and as I mentioned a few days ago… I was really lucky to get this connection when I was preparing my eldest child for college. Since it’s someone who has a first-come, first-served basis and a waiting list, it feels a bit like cutting in line to suddenly ask for consulting. You didn’t tell any other parents, did you?’
From that, I could tell that Go Yohan’s mother had only recently offered consulting to my mother. The day she helped me wasn’t that long ago. I chose the most reasonable suspicion from the suspicions I could make logically.
“Could it be that Go Yohan asked her to?”
No, that would be strange. Didn’t Go Yohan say he was being ostracized at home? He said it himself. Could that have been a lie too? No. It wasn’t that kind of atmosphere. That dinner that day was really strange and eerie. That dinner where only Go Yohan was missing.
I jumped into this family to find out about Go Yohan’s very suspicious world, but strangely, I feel like I’ve fallen into a trap. It feels like I’m trapped in a huge maze.
Damn it, this house is definitely crazy.
“Damn it, I got involved wrong. It’s all wrong.”
Frustrated, I scrubbed my bare face with my wet hands. I splashed more water than I thought, and my bangs were damp. I pushed the dripping bangs back with the back of my hand and turned off the water. I looked ahead with a damp face. In the clean mirror, Kang Jun was looking straight ahead with black eyes.
“What are you going to do, you.”
The me in the mirror asks. I mouthed something and then straightened my back. What’s the point of asking? Damn it. What choice should I make to have a happy future?
I have no idea. My steps are heavy as I go outside. I was walking while only looking at my toes, and I felt an unfamiliar presence approaching, so I quickly looked up.
“Ah.”
“Ah…”
It was Go Yohan’s younger sister. She was tilting her body back with an unpleasant expression. She almost bumped into me, who suddenly popped out of the bathroom. And the moment my eyes met those young eyes, I was instantly filled with despair. I didn’t want to, but I thought I could stand up stronger to a young girl. But I couldn’t help but weaken to her, who had seen my weakness as it was.
“S, sorry.”
“What is it.”
One eyebrow twitches. Her long, narrow eyes scan me up and down.
“Why are you here?”
There is intonation in every word. No matter how insensitive a person is, they cannot hide the emotions they express in words. Go Yohan’s sister, Go Rosa, was exactly like that. She was looking at me pitifully. I wanted to crawl into a rat hole because of that look. But my pride always gave me the strength to be confident.
“Your mother gave me help, and I thought it would be good to express my gratitude in person.”
“Ah.”
Her pretty face pouted and she nodded. Is that all she has to say? She’s always been just as blunt and cynical. I guess it’s just in the blood. If it were the usual me, I would have stubbornly shut my mouth with the same bravado, but I was watching her carefully and brought up a casual greeting.
“So… did school end early?”
“Don’t you even know it’s vacation?”
“Ah, right.”
I secretly stretched out my hand in embarrassment. Then I added an excuse.
“But the vacation period is different for each school.”
Go Rosa’s answer was silence again. And her expression was saying, “So what?” I put strength back into my fingertips and spread my palms. I even took a big breath. My body was soaked with embarrassment.
Go Rosa, who was looking down at me from above, snorted lightly. Then she tried to pass by me. Startled, I hurriedly turned around and blocked her path.
“Ah, what is it?”
“That’s… I…”
To be honest, I have never asked anyone for a favor in my life. I would rather solve it with money, but I couldn’t beg anyone. It was because I had never been in a position of complete weakness like I am now. It was a different sense of defeat from being bullied by others. The pressure of having to ask for a favor. That pressure was crushing me. From a girl who was barely smaller than me.
“You didn’t tell anyone, did you?”
My voice gradually lowered in volume. In the end, it became so small that it couldn’t be heard even from the side.
“About that.”
“Ha, I was wondering what you were going to say.”
“…You didn’t, did you?”
Go Rosa burst out laughing. And she opened her mouth wide, then glanced at the hallway and the empty room. After clearly confirming that no one was listening nearby, Go Rosa finally lowered her voice just like me.
“Think a little. Do you think I’m crazy enough to spread that word? Who am I going to make like you? Me? Dad?”
“I thought you wouldn’t. But…”
“But what?”
“You’re young.”
“I’m not young, okay?”
The sound rises sharply. She seemed quite angry. But raising her voice with a metallic sound rather than a natural voice is proof that her head is turning wisely. She’s good at self-control. I realize that this child can also use her head quite a bit.
“You’re the one who’s young. I would never come here if I were you. I thought you were crazy.”
“Why?”
“Why, are you crazy?”
“It’s social life, so it can’t be helped. She helped me. She also told me about college entrance exam information…”
“Why don’t you just ignore her and take the information?”
“…She seemed kind.”
Although the first impression wasn’t good, Go Yohan’s mother, who was talking to my mother, was the very image of a benevolent parent. Besides, I can’t criticize my mother in front of her daughter. But Go Rosa frowned at my words and said as if I was pathetic.
“What is this, are you an idiot?”
“Did I make a mistake?”
Isn’t my strength that I learn quickly? Go Yohan said before. That his sister had fallen for me. Of course, I know that Go Yohan was joking too much. But I definitely sensed the small amount of affection that I could feel from her words. Go Rosa definitely doesn’t think of me badly.
“Is there a reason why Auntie helped me? Should I not have done this?”
“Wow, you’re a real idiot after hanging out with a moron.”
Go Rosa is smart but still young. Really, young. I felt ashamed to death, but at the same time, I felt joy. Yeah, after all, a child is still a child. Isn’t this the only child in this house that I can find out something from? That’s why I came here. To meet this kid.
My hands were wet with sweat because of the tension. So I naturally rubbed my palms on my clothes, but that must have looked even more stupid. Go Rosa, who saw my hands, snorted again and suddenly asked me a question.
“Why did you do that at our house that time?”
But I didn’t want to receive this kind of question.
“…What happened?”
“Don’t pretend you don’t know, when we were eating that time. To be honest, you looked like a real idiot.”
There’s a saying I heard somewhere. I was tormented as the memories I had covered up came back to me.
“What did you say that time? I feel like I heard something really ridiculous. I don’t remember it. I think I was just thinking about getting out of here quickly. What kind of moron is suddenly… I think I was just thinking that.”
“…”
“Then I thought. Ah, Go Yohan is joking. That bastard is joking again.”
Go Rosa glanced at Go Yohan’s room with a contemptuous look. As if she was looking at a bug. And after lightly clicking her tongue, she turned her head and looked straight at me.
“I’ll say one thing to you because I feel sorry for you. Don’t be close with Go Yohan.”
“Why?”
I asked a little crookedly. To be honest, I was a little upset. At that tone that was so miserable and dismissive of others.
“Are you afraid you’ll be tainted?”
So I came out a little sharply. Okay, let’s say I did something wrong. But was it something I deserved to be criticized for so much? Even if the result was a flop, the intention was good. Is it okay to be criticized for doing something ridiculous? The agitated emotions burst out with the anger I had been holding back. My mouth babbled about my unfair feelings at that time on its own.
“That time… was I that stupid that time? I, I did it because I felt sorry for Go Yohan in my own way. If not understanding the atmosphere is being an idiot, then I’m an idiot. Right?”
“What, what are you saying?”
Go Rosa scanned me with startled eyes. I was even more angry at that attitude.
“I admit that Go Yohan is weird. But it’s all because of what happened in this house. In my own way, I was trying to comfort and side with someone who was being bullied. Was that so stupid?”
“Bullying?”
Go Rosa’s expression hardens at my words. But it was the face of someone who had heard something incomprehensible rather than guilt. Go Rosa, who twitched one eyebrow, asked again.
“Bullying? Who?”
Only those who have been hit by stones know the pain. Of course, the problem is that the bastard who threw the stones at me was Go Yohan. But I learned the pain of a human being ostracized from the group.
It was a really dirty feeling. Unlike my bullying, which was only a short time ago, Go Yohan’s would have been for a lifetime. In a way, I could think it was good for him, but it’s human nature to feel unfair. If you guys hadn’t tormented Go Yohan like that in the first place. This wouldn’t have happened. Why did you raise that bastard like that? My primal resentment goes to the source.
“Go Yohan. Who else is being bullied in this house besides him?”
“Go Yohan? Bullying? In our house? This crazy-!”
Go Rosa, who was making a high metallic sound again, stopped talking abruptly and quickly closed her mouth.
A small hand grabbed my clothes and pulled them violently. She didn’t tell me to follow her, but it was an implication to follow her. I followed Go Rosa with my clothes grabbed like that, and we both headed to a small room that I had never been in before, panting heavily. Go Rosa, who pushed me violently into the room, locked the door as soon as she did and shouted loudly.
“Crazy, I’m going to hear all kinds of bullshit!”
“Bullshit? I saw and heard everything.”
“Hey! What do you know?”
Go Rosa’s slender index finger poked my shoulder hard. It didn’t hurt to be pushed in, but I frowned because I felt bad. But Go Rosa didn’t care at all. She was just shouting with a red face.
“The one who’s loved the most in our house is Go Yohan, that bastard!”
“What?”
You’re the one talking nonsense. That’s what I want to retort. You need to make sense. What about Go Yohan’s Father’s mistreatment, the swearing, the alienated dinner table, and Go Yohan’s sad expression? I’m disgusted by the way you’re trying to cover up the truth with such ridiculous words. It’s repulsive.
“How can you swear at your own child like that, just because they’re pretty? Do your parents do that?”
“Does that bastard act in a way that doesn’t make you want to swear? If it were me, I would have disowned him. He should be grateful that I’m still keeping him around. He should be thankful that that damn sociopath is in school and not in a mental hospital! Yes, I hate him. I just wish that bastard would leave home!”
Go Rosa couldn’t hide her excitement and shouted, and I couldn’t stand her anymore, so I burst out and responded in an equally loud voice.
“Sociopath? Wow, what did he do? Just, just because he likes men? Just for that?”
“After being treated like that, you still want to defend him?”
No, this isn’t about defending Go Yohan, it’s about defending myself. Right now, I’m taking this kid’s words as an attack on me, not on Go Yohan. It’s absurd to say that it’s okay to be personally insulted just because you like men. I’m not a sociopath, and I don’t need to go to a mental hospital.
I’ve lived better than anyone else, and I’ve lived without harming anyone.
“You don’t have to treat him like this just for that reason. Calling him a mental patient, a sociopath. Who was it that revealed the secret first? It was your family. Just, just for that…”
“What? Who said that? Did Go Yohan say that? Did he say it himself? Is that true?”
Go Rosa’s eyes widened, and her mouth dropped open.
“Who revealed it? He said it first! That crazy bastard, that crazy bastard said it during Christmas in middle school! In front of the whole family! While we were all praying together, when we were wishing for the family’s well-being and peace, that bastard said that the present he wanted was a ‘boyfriend’!”
“…What did you just say?”
“Being bullied? That bastard drives around on that expensive motorcycle, and every time he gets into an accident, his parents cover it up? He went and reported the secret that the adults were quietly covering up because the kids in his class didn’t like him! Our family took the brunt of that! That bastard is seriously crazy. He’s not just any kind of crazy! And on top of that, he has an affection deficiency, so he tries to monopolize all of his parents’ love, that second-child complex bastard. If he’s causing that much trouble, then being sworn at is a cheap price to pay!”
“What on earth are you talking about?”
What is this?
What did I just hear?
Suddenly, I remembered visiting Han Jun-woo’s hospital room. The strange atmosphere at that time began to make sense. Go Yohan, who was strangely confident, and Han Jun-woo’s Father, who was watching him carefully. No way, that can’t be. I refused to interpret it that way. He’s just a high school student. Go Yohan is just a high school student.
“Ah, I remember. That stupid thing you said. The most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard at that table.”
Go Rosa couldn’t suppress her anger. She bit her lip slightly and made a groaning sound, then shouted so loudly that the veins in her neck stood out.
“What was it, that he doesn’t seem to like marinated crab? Ah, that’s what it was. Hey, you idiot. He’s crazy about shellfish. He can devour a crab or lobster in the blink of an eye, that’s him, wake up! You idiot. You’ve been fooled! That bastard is seriously crazy!”
I was honestly scared by the torrent of words. I thought the second-child thing didn’t make sense. There’s no way Go Yohan could be that meticulous. There’s no way he could do that with his personality.
“…No.”
I’m convinced that Go Yohan was definitely being bullied by his family. That hasn’t changed, even now. It’s just that I’m confused because of all the unbelievable opinions that have been pouring in for the past few days, opinions that are turning everything I knew upside down. That’s all. So, in order to assert my own justification, I desperately tried to find evidence to refute it.
“You’re lying.”
Go Rosa, who had been unable to contain her anger, took a deep breath, then bit her lip tightly and pressed her chest with her palm, swallowing her anger. After closing and opening her eyes once, she spoke in a slightly calmer voice.
“Lying, are you stupid, or are you just naive…”
But Kang Jun is being shaken by several storms, and Go Rosa is too sure of herself. That’s how human psychology works. Depending on the other person’s attitude, my beliefs can sometimes be shaken like fallen leaves in the wind.
“…But Go Yohan knew how to cook and how to use the washing machine all by himself.”
“It’s so obvious it’s driving me crazy. He probably looked at the instruction manual.”
“…”
I can’t argue with that. Looking back, I clearly remembered Go Yohan looking for the instruction manual. My mind became increasingly pale. The inside of my head throbbed. I couldn’t connect my thoughts, so I put my hand on my forehead. I felt like I was getting anemia. I leaned against the wall, feeling like I was about to collapse, and fell into thought. Go Rosa laughed at my actions.
“Huh, now that I think about it, it’s funny. Didn’t you even think that it would be strange if he couldn’t do it himself? Pouring rice, taking out side dishes from the refrigerator. Washing dishes, isn’t that what everyone knows how to do?”
“…That’s, I.”
“Don’t tell me you don’t know how to do it? How pampered were you raised? Wow, Go Yohan must have had so much fun teasing you.”
“No. It wasn’t that kind of feeling…”
I wrapped my arms around myself. The atmosphere at that time was really strange. Go Yohan starving alone, or the four of them having a harmonious dinner… Then I suddenly remembered.
“The living room cabinet!”
“What?”
“The living room cabinet, there’s a family photo in the glass cabinet.”
“…So?”
“How many photos of Go Yohan are there in it?”
“Why are you suddenly asking that? What is it?”
“Quickly!”
The expression on her face was that of someone who was about to see a crazy person. That’s exactly what Go Rosa’s face looked like. What kind of stupid things are you saying? It wasn’t my concern. That’s how desperate I was.
“Was it two?”
I knew it. Ha, I smiled.
“So, it was just a hastily set up photo.”
“What… What are you talking about?”
“What do you mean, the photo. When I saw it earlier, there was definitely only one.”
Where are you trying to make up such ridiculous excuses? A resentful gaze scanned the girl, who was much younger than me. It was ridiculous, but I felt a strange sense of victory there. Just for something like that. I can’t help but be a fool. But the child didn’t care at all, and instead gave me a look that made me look ridiculous.
“Aren’t you just making a fuss because you’re stuck in your own prejudices? Did you even look at the family photo properly?”
“What?”
“What do you know to be acting up like this?”
I wouldn’t have been shaken at all normally. I definitely would have. I rolled my eyes, grabbed the wall, and moved my feet. It was a pace that would have seemed a little strange if you looked at it from the side. Before going down the stairs, I suddenly looked at Go Rosa and hurriedly moved my feet again.
Go Rosa left me alone, and my mind-numbed body brushed past the two people who were still talking. I thought I made eye contact with Go Yohan’s Mother. But I didn’t have the mind to even care about the gaze directed at me. I just stared blankly at the inside of the glass cabinet, leaning against the large sofa.
“No way, it can’t be… It can’t be.”
I scanned the photos. My gaze, which had been scanning the right, left, lower shelf, and upper shelf in detail, stopped abruptly. It was definitely a photo I had never seen before. Not even that evening. It was a photo of the four of them standing and taking a picture.
“…”
Now that I think about it, why weren’t there any group photos in this house? The answer was at the edge of the photo. It was a mirror that reflected the opposite side of the four family members taking the photo.
Go Yohan was there.
A young Go Yohan, smiling brightly and even making a V with his eyes.
The sound of conversation and the world are splitting apart.
The world seems empty. All the ground I’m stepping on seems like a phantom. It was like a broken stepping stone that might send me plummeting somewhere. I don’t even know how I got back. No, Go Rosa was on the path I had walked, wherever my feet took me. With her arms crossed. It was as if she had followed me.
“He’s pathologically obsessed with standing out more than others, you know?”
“…”
“He threw a fit when we took that photo too.”
The sarcasm stabs my head. But that sarcasm was the only lifeline. The only truth in this phantom. My eyes were probably empty. That’s probably why Go Rosa distorted her face as soon as she saw my face.
“Was he always…”
My throat was tight. I massaged my tightly blocked throat with my hot hand and continued.
“Was Go Yohan always like that?”
“What, Go Yohan? Oh, he was a fool from the moment he was born. Greedy, wanting to have everything that was beyond his reach, and pretending not to be, even though he would just give up if he didn’t have the ability. And then he would secretly aim for it. In a sinister way.”
Go Rosa suddenly burst out laughing. It was a really sudden laugh. I stared at the laugh with a blank look. Go Rosa, who was covering her mouth and laughing, glanced at me and said.
“I just thought of something really funny, should I tell you?”
“…What is it?”
“Do you know what his complex is?”
It’s funny that I’m curious about Go Yohan’s complex in this situation. Anyway, I was serious even about the story that I was funny. After thinking for a long time, I talked about the most plausible complex.
“…Liking men?”
“No, having a lower IQ than me.”
“…”
“I’m 137, but Go Yohan was probably 119. When we were young, I teased him a lot. ‘Your head is really an emergency. The world knows that too.’ Then that bastard, who pretended to be so relaxed, would turn red in the face from then on. Puhaha, he also had ADHD. It was hard to fix that.”
“…”
“He would never say that he had ADHD. No one probably knows? That’s right. Looking at what he does, it seems like his head is working a little, but the important thing is that his ability to empathize is terribly low, so he can’t think from other people’s perspectives? Every time I see him, I think, so this is what a sociopath is like? I heard that’s why sociopaths are successful in society?”
Go Rosa stole a glance in the direction of the adults and stole a laugh. A chuckling sound was playing like background music. My brain, well, maybe the fuse blew. I just had empty thoughts. Empty thoughts. Even if I tried to take something out by force, the words that came out were all pathetic.
“His parents didn’t let him go to cram school… He told me that.”
“Cram school? Why would he go to cram school? He hates hard workers. He likes geniuses.”
“He, he also studies with strange books.”
Ha! A voice that looked down on people lightly popped out. When I looked at her with a confused face, I met Go Rosa’s eyes, who was wearing a mocking smile.
“You don’t know. It’s all a concept, a concept. It’s a futile act to fill his self-esteem. He’s acting like he’s relaxed. Don’t you know? He’s doing that because he doesn’t want to be caught at his limit.”
“Father also speaks to Go Yohan in a very dismissive way.”
“He deserves to be dismissed. His personality and grades are like that.”
“Then don’t you hate him? What parent would hate their child just because their grades are like that…”
“That depends on the person, and if they hated him, would my mom and dad have helped you?”
“…Huh?”
“Ah, I shouldn’t have said this.”
Small feet stirred on the floor. Go Rosa hesitated for a moment, then nodded to herself again. And she muttered to herself, “Well, whatever, I’m right.” She then grabbed my arm and headed to the end of the hallway, without giving me time to ask what she meant. That’s how we found another place where no one was.
“I feel like I’ve become a meddling sister-in-law.”
“A meddling sister-in-law?”
“Do you know why our dad is so nice to you?”
“…No.”
Actually, I’ve never really understood. Because you’re good at studying? Because your family is okay? If that’s the case, then you should love your first son. Looking back, I wonder why it had to be me.
“You’re perfect for passing Go Yohan off to.”
“What?”
“Why did you pity Go Yohan? With that brain, that face, and that family.”
Go Rosa slightly lowered her eyebrows and acted as if she was sorry. That appearance seemed similar to Go Yohan’s appearance when he was acting.
“So, so the words ‘passing off your child’ just mean, just mean you hate him.”
“Would you try to attach a child you hate to the best possible partner? Our dad is a little different from others. That’s probably why a bastard like Go Yohan was born.”
“…”
“You were more loved for doing that stupid thing that night. You didn’t know. Maybe even Go Yohan doesn’t know this. Why our dad cherishes you so much. Go Yohan doesn’t even know that he’s being pushed around and left to be taken care of anywhere. Only I know. And only I noticed.”
Go Rosa’s eyes were full of pride. She subtly boasted about her intelligence like that. That’s when I realized that Go Yohan and Go Rosa were true siblings.
I had nothing more to say. My mind went blank. It was as if I had been hit by a flashbang, and I couldn’t see in front of me. It was hard to even put the small face I could see in my eyes. In the first place, it was hard to even stand up properly.
“…”
It was all a lie.
I didn’t know that until half a year later.
I, who was trying to believe Go Yohan, simultaneously denied the fact that I had been deceived. I blinked my eyes quickly to erase the unbelievable reality. I hit my head hard with my fist several times. But the reality still didn’t change. After that, I kept hearing sarcastic voices in front of me, but I couldn’t understand them. My head blocked all the information.
Go Yohan was a pitiful child. Unfortunately, the reason for that was not bullying, but because he was full of traces of living to love himself and crave affection.
My mind went blank. I leaned my head against the wall. And I said mechanically.
“Go Yohan likes me.”
I couldn’t think of anything, and all I could do was struggle to find the truth.
“Was that a lie too?”
Was it a prank to make fun of me? Was it Go Yohan’s game, a human being whose life is a joke, a lie, and who can only be happy by standing above others? I was just suspicious of everything. That was so desperate. So, I grabbed the only lifeline. I might have been really desperate.
“Is it okay to tell me that? You have a loose mouth.”
But Go Yohan’s bloodline was cold.
“First of all, I don’t say anything I’m not sure about.”
The lifeline rotted. Or maybe it just cut off before I could climb it.
“But, when you see him acting so violently, don’t you think that he was just doing it for fun? Something like that. No, why are you even worrying? Is it that important? You can just cut ties without worrying. Were you shocked? By my words? Why? Do you want to live as a gay person too? Do you like Go Yohan?”
I couldn’t answer. My tongue was stiff as if it had frozen. Seeing me like that, Go Rosa clicked her tongue. As if she was really pathetic.
“Crazy, you really like him.”
“…”
“I wondered why it had to be you, but you were a good match.”
I couldn’t hear the words that were passing by as if they were flowing. The mallet struck the bell. My mind collapsed between the ringing of the bell.
“Ah, excuse me. I’ll go home for a while now. I’ll, Mother will be here later… Just a moment.”
Go Rosa made a strange face. Her face was so contorted that it looked like I was talking nonsense. Her black eyes scanned me as if she was evaluating me. I was ashamed of that blatant gaze, and at the same time, I hated everything in this house.
The world turned black, then yellow, then spun around. In the end, the words couldn’t continue. The clumsily ended word scattered as it was. Only my body spun around.
“That’s… Just a moment.”
A whirlwind blows with every step. Only my hands were busy sweeping my hair back and forth. Thanks to that, my hair was flying around busily. The figure reflected in the passing glass door was extremely pathetic. I walked without thinking. I knew that Mother was in the living room, but I didn’t have time to care.
I walked through the storm and bumped into the front door. I lost control and pressed the button with my fist as if I was smashing it.
After a few misses, the door opened. As soon as the door opened, I heard the loud sound of cicadas. The scorching sun poured down on the top of my head. The floor rippled as if it was turning upside down.
“No way……. No way……”
It was like that back then, too. When I had a feeling something was about to happen. When Han Tae-san scolded Han Jun-woo for the first time. Before the world collapses, there’s always a heat haze.
My head became a ruin. The street after the natural disaster had only the foundation left. There was an emotion quickly building on top of that foundation. I clenched my fists as if they would burst and glared at the wall. My eyeballs hurt as if they would explode, but I didn’t care.
“That son of a bitch……”
My whole fist trembled. Tears of resentment welled up in my eyes. The ticklish trace of water droplets ran down my cheek and dripped from my chin.
“Crazy bastard.”
Half a year before becoming an adult, I finally took my eyes off the microscope. I, who had only stared at Go Yohan up close, finally straightened my back and looked at the flask containing Go Yohan. The small glass container was more pathetic than I thought. It was all thanks to the small, unexpected mole.
I try to think of the shortest thing in the world. Father’s thumbnail, Sunday evening, and vacation. The summer vacation, deliberately shortened by the school, passed by without time to do anything. When I came to my senses, the Homeroom Teacher was standing at the podium, explaining the second semester’s college entrance process. White chalk hit the blackboard hard.
First, invest everything in Regular Admission for friends who can’t win with Early Admission during the remaining time.
Second, make realistic plans and consider which universities I can go to.
Third, don’t be obsessed with the name of the university. Sometimes the major is more important. Counseling is always welcome.
“You guys are pretty good at studying, right? I’ve experienced college admissions and watched the College Scholastic Ability Test several times, and I understand. Guys like you, those who are pretty good at studying, are a bigger problem. The schools that the top students can go to are already decided anyway. You know that getting through that hole is like a camel passing through the eye of a needle.”
The atmosphere in the class instantly turned gloomy. This was the time when everyone was figuring out their place. With the Homeroom Teacher’s words, we instinctively separated the top and the very top. Several pairs of eyes reached me.
“……”
“If you’ve been studying with hope until now, it’s time to understand reality. Korea University? Unless your grades are in the top percentile nationwide, just give up on it. Of course, there will be a few who can go from within this class.”
The classroom is swallowed by tension. The guys in the class behind us would have lightened the mood with jokes like Hundred Days Warrior, but at least not our class. The Homeroom Teacher’s gaze picks out a few people. I was among them. I smiled awkwardly and lowered my head, also sensing the stinging gaze.
“But if my grades aren’t the very top, the universities below that aren’t bad either. If you choose your major well, it might be better than Korea University. We’ll talk about that during counseling later, okay. Did you have a good, short vacation? You didn’t just rest or play, did you? Of course, I know that none of the kids in our class would do that.”
The children laughed heavily at the subtly pressuring joke. They were all kids who were stuck in academies, staring at test papers all day long. I laughed too. I also stared at mock exams and past College Scholastic Ability Test questions all day long. And I turned around and looked back. It was Go Yohan who met my eyes as if on purpose. Go Yohan, who stretched his mouth wide from side to side as soon as he saw me, showed me the shape of his mouth largely.
‘I’
‘Couldn’t do’
‘Anything.’
And a crying face. I was speechless. I scanned that face that I wanted to tear apart in detail. Then, I also forced my mouth to stretch out and laughed. My mouth moved smaller than Go Yohan’s.
‘Okay.’
After that, I turned my body without looking. Anyway, the kids weren’t interested in us. Everyone was in the middle of the biggest dilemma of their lives, whether to aim high with illusions or to aim low with cold judgment. I judged while looking at the three sentences written on my desk.
When I scanned the third sentence, the Homeroom Teacher glanced at me and smiled. And after pointing at me with his finger, he drew a small X.
‘Don’t worry about it, Jun-ah.’
Meanwhile, a vibration rang from under my pocket. I knew without looking. It was definitely Kim Min-ho, who I’d been contacting the most these days. While the Homeroom Teacher checked the attendance book busily, checking the time, and writing something, I secretly checked my phone.
「The long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited, long-awaited」
This crazy bastard. I gasped and opened my mouth.
“Then listen to the class hard, and see you later.”
“Yes.”
The sound of the attendance book hitting the podium and the sound of chairs being pushed back echoed around the room. Everyone was busy looking for the next class’s textbook. I took advantage of the gap and sent a message.
「Shut up」
Doesn’t this bastard’s class confiscate phones? Our class can’t help it because of academy contacts, but this side really needs to be confiscated urgently. When the endless ignoring continued, someone sat down heavily in my temporarily empty seat next to me. I smelled a familiar scent.
“Who are you texting?”
“Huh?”
The moment I hurriedly turned my head, Go Yohan stuck his head in. That subtle movement couldn’t have been more creepy. Fortunately, my thumb was faster. I quickly turned off the screen and shoved it into my pocket.
“Why did you suddenly sit here?”
“Can’t I sit here?”
“If you sit here, there’s no seat for my partner to sit.”
“Ah, that kid with no presence?”
Go Yohan, who slightly lowered his waist, laughed softly. Then he put his face close to my ear. A strong blue scent dominated my nose. It felt like I was falling into a deep sea where the waves were raging. And my feet were caught in a huge whirlpool, pulling me into that dark deep sea. The lukewarm breath leaking from his mouth tormented my earlobe.
“You don’t say a word to him. He’s not that good at studying, and he’s not that good-looking either.”
“D, don’t do that!”
I quickly pulled my upper body back and avoided him. I couldn’t help but react sensitively. I even reflexively pushed Go Yohan’s chest hard with my arm. As if hitting him. Go Yohan looked at his chest, which he had been hit, with a slightly surprised look, and blinked at me.
“No, that’s……. It, it tickles.”
“……You surprised me.”
I looked around as always. I was ashamed that I had shouted. Go Yohan always leads me into embarrassing situations. That’s what he wants. I don’t know the intention, I don’t know the meaning, but Go Yohan has always been like that.
“Who were you texting just now?”
“Huh?”
“You didn’t answer my question earlier.”
A thin line smiles softly. It was a light tone as if asking a friend, but it didn’t feel that way to me at all.
“Academy Teacher.”
“What, you’re contacting the academy Teacher like that from the morning?”
“I think she’s very worried about my grades.”
“She must be a Teacher with nothing to do?”
“If I fail, it’ll be a blemish on her career, so she’ll be worried.”
Dododok. A long finger hits my partner’s desk. My partner, who has no presence, still doesn’t seem to be thinking of coming back. Or maybe he gave up on coming back after seeing his seat being taken from the back door. Dodododok. Dodododok. The index, middle, ring, and pinky fingers go up and down in order.
“Is it a guy?”
Go Yohan, who wasn’t looking at me and was just staring at the finger tapping the desk, said casually.
“No, a woman.”
“Hmm-.”
“……She’s old and has kids.”
It’s not that I was looking at Go Yohan’s expression. I just wanted to end this terrible situation quickly. So I said it more carelessly than I thought. I didn’t feel the need to look at Go Yohan, who wasn’t looking at me, so I said it without looking at Go Yohan either. My gaze was at the tip of my finger, and my hand was playing alone on the desk.
“What is it.”
“What do you mean. It means don’t worry about it.”
Go Yohan straightened his back. I glanced at him and watched his movements. I could see Go Yohan moving vaguely outside my focused vision. I slowly turned my body too. Unfortunately, I turned my body towards Go Yohan, so I even made eye contact. But what was embarrassing was that Go Yohan was biting his thumb with his teeth and grinning.
“You’re saying something really unnecessary.”
Unlike what he said, his eyes were cold. I carefully continued to speak.
“Really?”
“You shouldn’t reveal things about others to just anyone like that.”
“……”
It’s all lies. Lies. All lies. Everything about Go Yohan is riddled with lies.
The words written on Go Yohan’s white face are becoming clearer and clearer. Liar. Now, everything Go Yohan says sounds like a lie.
I looked around once. The morning break is still bustling. The area near my seat is empty, and the half-solved workbooks were fluttering on the desk. They were things that the guys who had enjoyed their freedom would soon come back and solve.
“Yohan-ah.”
“Yeah? Jun-ah.”
“You know I went to your house, right.”
“Ah, yeah.”
“Can I ask you something?”
That day, I came back and wrote a message to send to Go Yohan as if my fingers would burst, but I freaked out and deleted it before sending it. It was too pathetic to send it as it was. Defeated, dog-like patheticness. I was so pathetic, stupid, and unbearably hateful that I was lying on the bed with a flushed face and getting angry.
Why did you lie to me? Why did you tell such a lie. Did you think I was so funny? Damn it, was I that funny? Why did you make me like that. Just for your fun? Just for your pleasure? No, I can’t even understand you with my values, and I don’t want to. In the midst of that, I hate my patheticness that I think I know why you did that. I’m ashamed that I share the same values as you. Why did you do that to me? You son of a bitch. Why did you do that to me. If everything you showed me was a lie, then why did you do that to me?
Pushing aside the questions that felt like my head would explode, the question that I had calmed down and carefully chosen was very simple.
“Did you tell your mom that my grades dropped?”
Kkuum-ppeok. Long eyelashes fluttered slowly. Through the thin gap, innocent eyes like a child were seen in a fleeting moment. And I don’t remember what he said at all. Anyway, it didn’t matter what he said. There’s no trust in Go Yohan’s words. It’s obvious that it’s a lie.
When I closed my eyes and opened them, Kim Min-ho was there. That’s how quickly time had passed.
“Shii-bal, I almost forgot that handsome face? Actor Kang, you’re really good at disappearing?”
“There has to be moderation, moderation. It’s all because you only sent useless words.”
“What do you mean useless? You selfish ssi-ppak-saekki. You, you’ve lost trust. If you quietly eat my words like that, I start to worry if you’re secretly starting to comfort Go Yohan, you know? Huh?”
Looking at Kim Min-ho, who was speaking with a pig-like face, made me annoyed. He’s just trying to use me anyway. And what’s so great about him, threatening me with being gay or whatever.
“Don’t say disgusting things, say something that makes sense.”
“You can’t say that if you’re someone who was indecisive. Why, don’t tell me you feel sorry for Go Yohan or something? Maybe sympathy? Did you think of old times? Or are you going to give it to him quickly even now?”
“You’re going crazy.”
I scanned Kim Min-ho with contemptuous eyes.
“……What do I care if that pervert gets bullied or not. I just wish he would die quickly.”
“Yes! That’s it! That’s the normal reaction!”
Kim Min-ho was greatly pleased and clenched both fists tightly.
“I’ve been thinking about it.”
“Thinking……?
You? I didn’t say it out loud, but Kim Min-ho reacted sensitively as if he had read my mind.
“Ah, ssi, did you think I was just playing around?”
“What……. Did you do some physical training or something?”
It was a funny thing even for me to say. I shook my head alone and said, “Never mind.” Then I stared intently into Kim Min-ho’s eyes. I didn’t want to know about Kim Min-ho’s not-so-fruitful summer vacation.
“Today is Thursday, you son of a bitch.”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s set it for Friday. Right away, tomorrow.”
“……It’s too fast.”
“Don’t bullshit. I’ve been patient since the vacation passed.”
A thick hand grabbed my shoulder and shook it violently. My terribly thin body fluttered according to that movement. I tried to persevere, but my feet in slippers slipped on the tiles and staggered pathetically. I barely regained my balance and turned my head to see Kim Min-ho with a distorted smile. My face flushed. Damn it.
“Practice until tomorrow. Huh? Make Go Yohan a cripple by tomorrow, ssi-bal. If you try to postpone it any longer, you’ll have your mouth torn apart. Ssi-bal saekki.”
I felt a strong grip on my shoulder. Politicians are said to establish their hierarchy by the strength of their grip while shaking hands, and there’s no difference between the fourth-floor bathroom and politicians’ gatherings. I always lost in power struggles, and I always become the weak in strength.
“……Okay.”
“Good. I was afraid that this ssi-i-bal saekki would turn his words around again. Huh? But our Kang Jun! I saw this Kang Jun saekki well. Huh? Yeah, now that you understand, that’s enough. Then, tomorrow, okay? Tomorrow……. Call Go Yohan out after school tomorrow. You find a suitable place. Got it? Huh?”
The hand holding my shoulder was released. As soon as Kim Min-ho let go of my hand, he spat phlegm on the floor with a kaak-tue, and left the bathroom leisurely. I straightened my messily opened shirt and glared in the direction Kim Min-ho had left.
And after returning home, I stood in front of the mirror in the dressing room.
“Ah, ah.”
While loosening my mouth, I repeated the words I had to say in my head. The words that Kim Min-ho had decided. That line. The words that could bring down Go Yohan. I moistened my dry lips and opened my mouth. Ah, ah. The words got caught in my throat like thorns and didn’t come out.
“…….”
I grabbed my throat, which was stinging even though nothing was caught.
The reason was simple. It’s because I’m on the verge of Go Yohan’s downfall. Moreover, the handle of the spear to stab Go Yohan was in my hand. I tried to open my mouth again, but my throat was still blocked. It felt like I was entering a tomb.
But on the contrary, when I thought about Go Yohan and breathed slowly, anger surged up at the betrayal of the affection I had believed in. Just like Go Yohan thought of Han Jun-woo as a fake friend. Could it be that he thought of me as a plaything? Why on earth. I don’t even know why I became Go Yohan’s target.
“Yeah, I don’t need to look out for Go Yohan. I don’t.”
I tried to ignore the huge emotion that was following me.
“There’s no need to look out for that son of a bitch.”
Or else I’ll be taken advantage of by Kim Min-ho. I never want to go back into that abyss again. That terribly shameful and painful time was strangling my neck.
Speak. Take out the thorns quickly.
I was suffocating, and I swallowed the saliva that hadn’t been swallowed with difficulty. My mouth, which had been opened with difficulty, muttered the words that I thought I would never have to say in my life.
“Go Yohan, I like you.”
I like you a lot.
After spitting out the words, I stared at the empty air for a long time. A small curiosity arose in the quiet darkness. I stroked the center of my chest with my palm. It was the moment I put my hand in the center, below my collarbone.
“Damn it…….”
I bit my lip tightly because I was so distressed by the bursting heartbeat. I hurriedly grabbed near my chest. Groans flowed out from between my tightly closed lips.