16 – My Last Line of Defense

“You surprised me. You were saying such strange things.”

“Honestly, it wasn’t that strange.”

“Yes, it was strange.”

Looking back, my mistake actually helped. It created something to talk about. Honestly, the only thing I could think to say to Shin Jae-hyun was, ‘Why did you ignore my calls?’ But with this awkward atmosphere, I had a chance to throw out a joke. That’s good.

I hesitated, pretending to be casual, and sat at the empty desk a little ways away. I thought it looked natural enough. Then, to keep the conversation flowing, I chided Shin Jae-hyun, whose face was flushed.

“Hey, aren’t you taking it too seriously?”

“Ah, it’s just that, by my standards, it was a bit much. It was a little strange.”

“Was it really that kind of thing to say?”

“Usually… when people say things like that…”

Shin Jae-hyun mumbled, omitting the rest of his words. It was probably out of consideration for my reputation, but my conscience had already been pricked by a thousand tacks.

“Americans are more conservative and prejudiced than I thought.”

“What do you mean, American? I’m Korean, through and through. And it’s just that Korea is too oblivious.”

“That’s ridiculous, that’s all based on American standards. You… Flunky.”

“No, it’s just that Korea is a bit unique. There’s a lot of physical contact and casual compliments between people of the same gender.”

“Just because of that? How narrow-minded.”

“No. That’s not a good thing.”

“Why?”

“Well, isn’t it because they ignore the existence of homosexuality, so they take that kind of physical contact and comments lightly? People don’t usually joke like that with the opposite sex.”

Ahem. Shin Jae-hyun cleared his throat and stroked his reddened neck as he continued.

“Especially you shouldn’t do that kind of thing.”

“Why me?”

“Because you’re handsome.”

“……”

I think I looked at him with a slightly lecherous gaze without realizing it.

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m saying that accurately, and extremely objectively.”

“Ah, okay.”

I tried to let it go. Now wasn’t the time to argue and show off my pride.

“Okay, well, I’ll try to fix my habit.”

“Liar. You half ignored me.”

“……”

But Shin Jae-hyun ignored my attempt to let it go and insisted on bringing it up again.

“I’m not saying this as a joke, you really need to think about it seriously. To be honest, I think the level of what you say has a lot to do with your looks.”

“What?”

An opinion I never expected popped out of Shin Jae-hyun’s mouth. From Shin Jae-hyun’s mouth? My face must have been filled with shock without me realizing it. Shin Jae-hyun smiled awkwardly and mumbled.

“Was that a bit of a lookist statement? It was a little, wasn’t it? I’ll apologize if it made you feel bad.”

“Well, it was in a good way for me, so it doesn’t matter.”

“That ‘good way’ thing is a bit… I don’t think so.”

“Hey… just let it go.”

“But you know what? I’ll just say this.”

I was annoyed by his constant lecturing, so I asked sharply, and only then did Shin Jae-hyun try to organize his thoughts. But even that attitude was quite rude. At least, by my standards.

“To put it coldly, what people who are good-looking say comes across a little differently to others.”

He wiggled his index and middle fingers on both hands twice at the word ‘good.’ It was still a very unique action.

“You’re worried.”

“Worried about who?”

“Obviously—you.”

“……Huh.”

Shin Jae-hyun looked me up and down. For a moment, I felt like Shin Jae-hyun was stepping on my head. I got goosebumps. My defense mechanism came out as aggression. I reflexively pointed out what Shin Jae-hyun was doing to me.

“Are you lecturing me right now?”

“I’m not lecturing you, I’m telling you this on purpose for your sake.”

“Who asked you to do that? And there’s no need to worry at all.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Sorry, but I don’t think so.”

Now there was a subtle edge to Shin Jae-hyun’s voice. He must be angry at me for being stubborn and not listening to him. I really don’t get along with this guy. He makes me feel uncomfortable on a visceral level.

“What do you know?”

“Me? It’s not just me, perceptive people would know. They’re just keeping their mouths shut.”

“Know what? What do you know?”

“Are you pretending not to know, or do you not want to know?”

“So, what?”

“Wow.”

Shin Jae-hyun finally exploded in a calm voice. It was the first time I’d heard Shin Jae-hyun raise his voice. Shin Jae-hyun, who had let out a breath as if he was dumbfounded, hit his head with one hand. Then he even put both hands behind his head and exclaimed to himself.

“Wow, I didn’t expect it. It’s always darkest under the lamp.”

I was just as frustrated.

I racked my brain as much as I could, but I couldn’t figure out what Shin Jae-hyun meant. What was it? What did he want to say? I wanted to scream, but I had my own sense of social morality. So all I could do was clench my fists and stare at Shin Jae-hyun. I was determined to urge him to answer quickly if our eyes met.

Shin Jae-hyun ran his hand through his hair, thought to himself, and then deliberately met my eyes.

I shot him a look filled with my demands. But Shin Jae-hyun, with his gaze still on me, took a deep breath. At the same time, Shin Jae-hyun’s emotions disappeared in an instant, like a fire touching water. It was a truly amazing sight.

“No, sorry for raising my voice.”

“……”

How could a person change so suddenly? I forgot that I was supposed to be angry and observed the bizarre change. Soon, the kind, relaxed, and positive Shin Jae-hyun that everyone talked about appeared. He put on his gentle face again. Then he put his hands on his hips and said this.

“I guess so, I’ll apologize for trying to lecture you. I think that was a bit much, even for me.”

“……Okay.”

“You?”

“Me?”

Shin Jae-hyun looked at me as if lightly urging me. I saw a faint mask in that expression. I could tell because it was a habit I had too. Just like the sincere Kang Jun, there was a kind Shin Jae-hyun. A mocking thought suddenly occurred to me. I think he’s pretending to be nice, just like me. I scanned the crack of truth that flashed by with a lecherous gaze.

“It’s okay if you have nothing to say.”

“……”

“It’s okay. I didn’t force you. I’m not upset either. I created this situation first. It’s my responsibility.”

But the reason I couldn’t get angry like before might be because I was subtly feeling that Shin Jae-hyun was really kind. Looking at Shin Jae-hyun, who had returned to his previous smile, I hesitated a little and opened my mouth.

“Let me ask you just one thing.”

“What is it?”

“What am I not aware of?”

At my question, Shin Jae-hyun frowned with a look of realization. Then he said this.

“I made a mistake. Just forget about it.”

“Forget about it? That’s the second time you’ve said that.”

The second time, he said. At the word ‘second,’ Shin Jae-hyun’s eyes widened. Huh? A gentle voice asked.

“It’s the second time you’ve asked me to forget about it.”

“Oops……”

“You say things like that on your own, make people curious, and then just ask them to forget about it without taking responsibility.”

“I guess so.”

Long fingers brushed his nose. He seemed embarrassed. But Shin Jae-hyun didn’t finish his answer. He just glanced at me and said something incomprehensible again.

“But you can’t tell me?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Even though it’s something related to me?”

“……”

“Shin Jae-hyun, there’s a limit to how much you can ignore someone.”

Did he think I would just let it go like last time, saying, “Oh, okay”? Last time, there was a time limit with Go Yohan, but not now. That meant I had the leeway to argue with Shin Jae-hyun.

“You tell me not to praise other people, you suddenly lecture me on my tone of voice, and then you say it’s all because you’re worried about me?” And I don’t know something, but you tell me to forget about it because it’s not something I need to know. Wow, Shin Jae-hyun is supposed to be kind. Looking at this, you’re just a condescending bastard. You.”

“Hey, Kang Jun-ah.”

“Was helping me just like volunteer work to you?”

Today was the first day I got 12th place, the day I received a shitty compliment from Go Yohan, and the day I realized again that there are no kind people in the world. I just felt bad about everything. I was just annoyed.

Yeah, damn it. Honestly, Shin Jae-hyun didn’t do anything wrong. He was just unlucky to run into an upset Kang Jun. Shin Jae-hyun had no obligation to tell me something he knew. It just felt pathetic that I, who was so desperate, had lashed out.

Ah, Kang Jun. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. Who am I venting my anger on? My face was burning. My neck was shrinking more and more. I finally lowered my head and said in a shrunken voice.

“Sorry for lashing out suddenly. Don’t worry, I won’t act friendly again.”

And I grabbed my bag. I slung the bag over my shoulder and turned around. After a few steps, the door was right in front of me. If I opened this door, it would be the end of Shin Jae-hyun too. After all, Shin Jae-hyun and I were incompatible. There’s no way I would ever like a goody-two-shoes like him.

Damn it, I was wondering how to escape from Go Yohan now, when Shin Jae-hyun suddenly opened his mouth.

“Me too.”

Thud, the hand that was about to open the door stopped.

“I’m a little scared of Go Yohan too, Kang Jun-ah.”

I turned around. Instead of the mysterious and unique boy, there was an ordinary high school student that could be seen in any classroom. I had only turned around and seen it, but in that instant, Shin Jae-hyun seemed to have shrunk by a handbreadth. And ridiculously, I wanted to laugh at that little coward as much as I wanted.

“You too?”

But the mouth that was about to spew out venom was tightly shut. The truth was, I was also wary of Go Yohan.

“Don’t put you and me on the same level. Are you just scared of one high school student?”

Also, unfortunately, my life, which had been lived on pride and pretense, wouldn’t collapse so easily.

“And why is Go Yohan coming up there?”

“Because it’s a story that needs to be told.”

A calm voice sank to the floor. The voice was as calm as water, and I couldn’t help but calm down as well.

“Do you know what the kids are saying behind your back these days?”

As soon as Shin Jae-hyun asked me a question, he added more words on his own.

“They say it was better when Han Jun-woo was around. You know, that unique friend. I feel bad for spreading these words to that friend. I keep doing things I feel bad about… But when I see it, it seems like the kids aren’t missing that friend, but Go Yohan, who was watching that friend.”

“……You must have misheard. Who misses that gay, gay bastard?”

“Kang Jun-ah, that’s a really mean thing to say.”

The soft tone hardened. It was clearly a tone that criticized me.

“There’s no need to look down on that friend that much.”

“What? Ha! That’s ridiculous. Hey. What do you know?”

“And they might miss him. In our school, Han Jun-woo is one of the stories that always comes up when there’s nothing to say. The last thing they all say is, ‘He saw my butt in the bathroom.’ Then they say, ‘I wonder if Han Jun-woo was after me too?’”

Isn’t that obvious? It’s a story I’ve heard too, and a story I’ve been scared of too. But why? Shin Jae-hyun, who read my intentions, scratched his cheek lightly and smiled.

“I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“You’re cursing them.”

“You really don’t know. They’re admiring him.”

It was a truly bizarre sound. Shin Jae-hyun, who had said something shockingly absurd, smiled lightly at my expression and continued.

“They’re bragging that Han Jun-woo was interested in them.”

“What……”

“Do you know why the kids bullied you when you and Yohan were awkward? It was just something between Go Yohan and you. Right? Besides, it was especially bad for you. Even kids who didn’t seem like they would did it. Kids like Yeon-jun. High school seniors have nothing better to do. But why did they do that?”

Shin Jae-hyun lowered his voice.

“It’s because they were jealous of you.”

It was the same thing my parents had said. I was so dumbfounded by the absurd interpretation that I shook my head.

“That’s total bullshit.”

“No. It’s true. Those kids wanted to bring you down.”

“They were just annoyed by me.”

“Annoyed… they probably were. In a different way than you think.”

“A different way?”

“To the kids, you’re not Kang Jun, you’re Go Yohan’s best friend. Right?”

“……Hey. You.”

I wanted to say that he was going too far, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Why am I not Kang Jun? Even though I tried to snap back like that, my mouth wouldn’t open. Shin Jae-hyun blatantly dug into my reality like that. And suddenly.

“Didn’t all the kids who ostracized you say that? You were almost Go Yohan’s… sorry.”

“……It’s okay. Say it.”

“Yeah, back then, the kids teased you like you were Go Yohan’s mistress or wife.”

“……”

“Sorry, I saw it in the science lab.”

Shin Jae-hyun pretended to erase something with his hand.

“Didn’t you think that was a very explicit thing to say?”

“What. To disregard me and put me down so miserably?”

“No.”

It was a confident rebuttal. There was even a subtle sense of pride on Shin Jae-hyun’s face as he lectured me. He was like a child showing off his insight.

“I don’t think you know very well. There are deeper emotions in actions than what’s superficially visible. It’s the same with missing Han Jun-woo. It seems like all-boys high schools are still barbaric. The instincts of males and the instincts of beasts coexist.”

But I agreed. I was drawn in by that insight as if I was possessed. The truth that had broken through in a direction I had never thought of was a world I had never imagined. What was even more shocking was that I couldn’t refute it. I groaned and focused on Shin Jae-hyun’s words. He was grasping all-boys high schools more meticulously and sharply than I had thought.

“Men, you know, have the most complicated emotions for men more than anyone else. With emotions that are more difficult than liking women.”

“What, that’s ridiculous?”

I was genuinely horrified. I couldn’t believe that such blasphemous words could be so easily uttered in an all-boys high school. I asked in a trembling voice, feeling flustered, and Shin Jae-hyun continued in a hushed voice. He seemed to have a slightly triumphant expression.

“Don’t you think so? Think about it.”

“……”

“The desire to be recognized and protected by a strong man, and the desire to become a strong man myself… You can feel those completely opposite feelings in everyone’s attitude. Those explicit desires. Men only have those obsessive feelings for men. There’s a different kind of hot, instinctive desire than liking women. Don’t you think so?”

I tried to refute it, but I couldn’t. I just waved my hands in confusion and leaned against the wall. That attitude seemed to stimulate Shin Jae-hyun even more. Shin Jae-hyun, who had taken a step closer to me, smiled even more.

“So that’s why the kids miss Han Jun-woo. The desire to be recognized by Go Yohan and the desire to bring Go Yohan down coexist.”

“……Han Jun-woo has already lost to Go Yohan and been kicked out of school. He’s just a loser.”

“Yeah. I felt that Go Yohan was smart when I saw that.”

“What? Why?”

“Look at the timing.”

Shin Jae-hyun probably didn’t intend to say this much. Because he was speaking in a slightly excited voice, unlike usual. A slightly higher tone. That showed Shin Jae-hyun’s subtle excitement.

“He waited until the kid named Han Jun-woo revealed his weakness, and then brought him down to the bottom at the perfect timing. So that the kids wouldn’t dare to admire Han Jun-woo, he called him a ‘pervert,’ so that if they thought he was cool, they would immediately become the same ‘perverted bastard.’ After that, he was left with a pathetic name.”

“I know that Go Yohan knows how to use his head a little. But that wasn’t timing, it was just because Han Jun-woo was doing weird things.”

“No, Go Yohan definitely hated that kid from the time he entered school. A lot.”

“No, they used to be friends.”

Clearly, Go Yohan and Han Jun-woo’s friendship was natural.

“No.”

But Shin Jae-hyun affirmed without a moment’s hesitation.

“I’m sure of it.”

“……”

“In my opinion, the mistake that kid Han Jun-woo made wasn’t that he liked men. It’s that he thought of Go Yohan as a friend.”

“……What.”

“Go Yohan doesn’t have ‘Go Yohan’ next to him. That’s why he can be stronger than anyone. I’ve always wondered. Go Yohan doesn’t keep any decent friends by his side, does he? Have you ever thought about why that might be?”

“He originally hates guys who are better than him. He also hates pathetic ones.”

“Right, but why did you think he hung out with Han Jun-woo?”

“Well, because they were both good at…”

He started to speak, then froze stiffly.

No, that doesn’t make sense. Why would someone who hates guys better than him hang out with Han Jun-woo? Even badmouthing him behind his back? The clear answer that simple question revealed whispered to me.

“See? Even you think it doesn’t make sense, right?”

“Wait, so… are you saying Go Yohan pretended to be friends with Han Jun-woo for over a year to bring him down? The entire time?”

“Yeah.”

Shin Jae-hyun snapped his middle finger against his thumb and continued.

“And right now, the ‘best guy’ next to Go Yohan is you.”

“……”

“I’ve always wondered why that is. What’s your case? If you look at it coldly, you’re not on equal footing with that friend. You’re lower. The answer was simple. All instincts are expressed from the unconscious.”

“……Then, what did you think my case was?”

“This is what I didn’t want to say.”

His voice, full of conviction, faded slightly.

“I’m really scared of Go Yohan. I want to be careful. I’m just a normal high school student.”

Shin Jae-hyun clearly had a genius-like ability to read the room.

Maybe it was all because of the long bullying he suffered when he was younger. But Shin Jae-hyun overlooked something. I’ve lived my whole life Pretending to be strong to others. Even when I was angry, I didn’t go too far, and even when I disliked someone, I didn’t show it. Like Shin Jae-hyun’s wealth, I also have my own kind of wealth.

“Jae-hyun.”

I knew how to sweet-talk people.

“……You’re smart.”

I’m also good at Pretending to be genuinely surprised. I deliberately lowered my head and gripped my chest tightly with my hand. To strike a more dramatic pose.

“I was a little surprised because I’ve never thought about it that way.”

“It’s thanks to living my life reading the room of my peers. Especially during the sensitive time of adolescence. In a faraway foreign land.”

“……I see.”

When Shin Jae-hyun smiled gently, I lightly smiled along. And I said in a small voice.

“……Right. I Pretended to be strong, but I’m also scared of Go Yohan. Sorry for the bluff.”

As expected, Kang Jun is the best at Pretending to be pitiful in the world. I imitated the appearance of a frightened high school student. The method is easy. Because what I just said wasn’t a lie. I just exaggerated the truth. From what I’ve seen, Shin Jae-hyun is weak to pitiful people.

“But I believe you’ll understand. You know me well. You know, what’s happened to me all this time. How Go Yohan treated me.”

“……Kang Jun.”

“That’s why you helped me. You felt sympathy after seeing someone who experienced the same thing. I also know that you didn’t say you were helping me, in case I felt burdened.”

“……”

“I also know that you quickly backed out when it seemed like Go Yohan would find out.”

No matter how much he Pretended to be relaxed, Shin Jae-hyun was still in the middle class of the pyramid. He could only extend a hand a little because he had something to offer. Shin Jae-hyun was born with the destiny of being able to move freely between classes, but not wanting to go to the lower class, and not being able to go to the higher class. Just like me. The only difference was that I had the Go Yohan line, and Shin Jae-hyun didn’t have any connections. That’s where we diverged.

Shin Jae-hyun frowned, as if his conscience was pricked by my words, which were similar to reproach.

“……I couldn’t help it.”

“Right, I don’t blame you. I would have done the same.”

Watching Shin Jae-hyun offer excuses before apologies, I knew I had gained the upper hand. Shin Jae-hyun, who is weak to the strong and weak to the weak. I suggested a way to relieve his guilt.

“But…… you can tell me now, right?”

“Huh?”

“You know I made up with Yohan, right? Honestly, everyone in our class knows that.”

“……Yeah.”

“To be honest, I don’t know how we made up at all. No, to be exact, I don’t know where Yohan’s anger subsided.”

As expected, it’s the truth. I don’t know why the situation is turning out like this, but the choice to ‘take the safe path for now’ eventually led to this result. The important thing wasn’t that I escaped, but that I lost control.

“But I don’t want to go back to that situation again.”

So, I’m desperate in my own way.

“You know how I feel……. How desperate I am. How much, how much it feels like I’m going crazy being alienated in a crowd of hundreds of people. You know I live in hell 5 days a week. Even the weekends are tormenting. I’m afraid that even trivial glances are about me……. Right? You were like that too, right? You understand, right?”

“……Jun-ah.”

“I want to know. Why Go Yohan keeps me by his side now.”

“Kang Jun.”

“I need to know to prepare. I’m not blaming you, and I’m not asking you to help me. If you don’t even tell me that, it’s no different from you being a bystander. I’ll keep it a secret. I won’t tell anyone that you said it. I’m really tight-lipped. I can swear.”

“Ah, Kang Jun, that’s.”

I sniffled and covered my face with the back of my arm. At the same time, I relaxed my face, which was hurting from forcing a frown. And I looked up and looked at Shin Jae-hyun as pitifully as possible. As soon as Shin Jae-hyun saw my face, he hurriedly wiped my face with the end of his sleeve. Only with his sleeve, without touching my skin. And after looking at my slightly swollen face with pity, he sighed.

“You’ll keep it a secret, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll keep it a secret. I’ll shut my mouth.”

“That, that, Go Yohan is……”

Shin Jae-hyun stopped talking, hesitated for a moment, and then opened his mouth.

“Go Yohan is gay. And he likes you.”

“What?”

“With very sexual feelings too.”

The absurd answer hit my head. I think I heard the sound of a screw rattling in my head.

“……What?”

“I think you’ll understand what to do after that without me having to tell you. You’re a male high school student.”

“Wh, what are you talking about? Wait, what am I supposed to do?”

“Well, maybe you should give him a kiss or something.”

He said that, which was absurd. That’s not what I meant. I meant, how did you know? But Shin Jae-hyun, who didn’t understand my intention, smiled awkwardly as soon as he saw my face.

“Just kidding.”

“Hey, you…… crazy, how can you say that?”

“He’s acting like that because he wants something from you.”

Shin Jae-hyun scratched his neck with a slightly uneasy look.

“So I wanted you to be careful. But if I said this carelessly, it could be insulting to Go Yohan, and I was worried that I was saying something unnecessary to you……. I actually thought you were somewhat aware of his feelings. But I’m really surprised you didn’t know. I guess I took it too much for granted.”

This wasn’t shocking. What Shin Jae-hyun said next caused a stronger wind than the fact that he noticed Go Yohan liked men. Enough to shake my mind.

“I guess it’s because there are rumors going around about Go Yohan.”

“Ru, rumors?”

“Ah, that.”

“What rumors? What?”

“……It seems like someone is spreading bad rumors, so the atmosphere is uneasy.”

“The atmosphere is uneasy……”

“Just random, malicious words are circulating. Of course, there were rumors related to you among those rumors. There was also the Han Jun-woo incident around me, so the reaction was that Go Yohan wouldn’t do that, but when I saw it, it was too…… true.”

“……!”

Damn it, I instinctively made excuses.

“Could you be mistaken? You might have misunderstood. Everyone sees it that way if they say it that way. There was also the Han Jun-woo incident, so aren’t they just suspecting everything arbitrarily?”

“There’s some truth to what you’re saying, but there are too many unsettling parts.”

“Unsettling parts?”

“When Yohan was bullying you.”

Shin Jae-hyun said carefully. I tried to read every movement of his lips. I don’t know why. I just seemed to be caught up in the idea that I had to protect Go Yohan’s honor, so I just threw out denials first. Or was it because I thought that if Go Yohan was caught, I would be caught too? Anyway, the fact is that I was desperate.

“That attitude was very.”

As if he wanted to make his words more gentle, Shin Jae-hyun twirled his hands in the air. After thinking for a while, Shin Jae-hyun closed his eyes tightly once and opened them.

“Anyway, it was a bit like that.”

“……He’s always been like that. He’s always been a bit strange.”

“No. Is there something more strange about it, should I say?”

“Yeah, so he’s always strange.”

I desperately denied it. I even forced a resolute face. I hoped that Shin Jae-hyun would have doubts about my firmness and withdraw his opinion. But Shin Jae-hyun betrayed my expectations.

“No, you don’t usually act like that when you’re bullying someone. I know best. I’m the one who experienced it. That thing that happened to you when you went to the hospital a while ago was my daily life. That’s what the bullying I experienced was like.”

“That must be a misunderstanding too. Not all situations are the same. The reason Go Yohan acts like that towards me is because I’m useful. Han Jun-woo did that to me too. There’s something about how our parents unconditionally trust me……. I helped Go Yohan a lot, and I often did his homework for him.”

“Hmm, but you didn’t do homework alone with Han Jun-woo, did you?”

Ugh. I bit my lip without realizing it. But the desperate effort to change Shin Jae-hyun’s mind didn’t stop. It shouldn’t have. No one other than me should have this thought. I persuaded Shin Jae-hyun again.

“……Go Yohan likes unique things. His personality is also strange, and he did that before too. He pretended to be gay and joked around to tease Han Jun-woo on purpose. He’s just a sick person who wants attention.”

“That joke isn’t to get attention, it’s to clean up the surroundings, in my opinion.”

Again, strange words. I frowned and asked.

“Clean up the surroundings? What are you talking about?”

“Kang Jun, do you know what happens if we really treat Go Yohan like a gay and brag about it?”

Pow. Shin Jae-hyun slammed his left palm hard with his right fist. I was startled by the sudden friction and bristled.

“There are already some of your friends who crossed the line and ended up like this.”

The bristled hairs stimulate the sensitive skin. It came to mind. Immediately. In particular, Kim Min-ho kept picking on Go Yohan, calling him gay and stuff. I don’t need to check Kim Min-ho’s current situation to know for sure.

“It’s not a joke, it’s a violent test. If you fail there, you become a target of bullying.”

“……”

“He’s too timid. And he doesn’t want others to know that he’s timid, so he covers himself up. So everything he does is a lie. But he’s not meticulous, so he gets caught every time. There’s a difference in the completeness of a long-term lie that’s done with a purpose and a short-term lie that comes out when you’re angry. That’s why Go Yohan’s lies are clumsy. He even covers up that clumsiness with Pretending to be strong. He tells another clumsy lie that he’s deliberately getting caught.”

Shin Jae-hyun shrugged and continued.

“If he was really confident in everything, he wouldn’t test the kids in such a sarcastic way.”

I felt my mouth drying up. It felt like my brain was being scrubbed with an eraser. Shin Jae-hyun’s new ‘Go Yohan paradigm’ was truly revolutionary. Here, I couldn’t dare to slander Shin Jae-hyun as just some loudmouth. How many people in this school noticed that Go Yohan was timid? Shin Jae-hyun was definitely no ordinary guy.

“And that’s why I think he started to care about you.”

“……Well, I don’t know. I don’t believe what you’re saying.”

“To give you my opinion, I think you’re a very well-made person.”

He was so hesitant until just now, but now he was pouring out words like a dam bursting. From my cynical point of view, it seemed like he was showing off a bit. As if he was saying that he had a greater insight than the intelligence he showed in his grades. But it was also an undeniable fact.

“Good looks, good family, good at studying, good reputation. Go Yohan likes that refined self-control so much. Because he can’t do it himself. I often think that Go Yohan really hates studying.”

“What? Hey, that’s nonsense. He studies really hard. He can’t do it even if he wants to…… or so I heard.”

“Where? Who?”

From him. But if I said that, I thought I would be misunderstood even more, so I lied.

“I heard them saying that in Go Yohan’s group.”

“It just seems like he’s copying you? Pretending to be devoted to studying, Pretending to be working hard on managing his personal connections.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Go Yohan? Would that arrogant guy really do that?”

It’s truly a blasphemy against Go Yohan. But Shin Jae-hyun’s ‘blasphemy’ didn’t end there.

“Isn’t that why he’s doing it even more because he’s arrogant?”

“……”

“How substandard would he think he is in that kid’s eyes? The reason why the people around him are suffering isn’t because Yohan is really substandard, but because of what he does thinking he’s substandard.”

“That kind of……”

“For Go Yohan, there are only two kinds of ‘perfect people higher than him.’ He either hates them because he’s jealous, or he wants to have them. Han Jun-woo is the former, and you’re the latter, right? Didn’t he even Pretend to be pitiful to you? He even has a habit of squeezing his misfortune even harder. Because he’s arrogant. Making his small misfortune seem like a huge misfortune to others. Using misfortune as a weapon.”

“No, he didn’t do that.”

“Wait. He’ll do it soon. Then you’ll have no choice but to believe me.”

I reflexively said no first, but Shin Jae-hyun’s theory shook all of my thoughts and values. The proof is my reaction.

I don’t know if it’s because I couldn’t stand the blasphemy against Go Yohan, or because I was upset that all the data I had accumulated for two and a half years was being discarded. I just wanted to shout ‘no’ for now. But, contrary to my mouth, I felt an enormous persuasiveness squeezing my soul.

“……You’re scared of Go Yohan, but it’s okay for you to say these things to me?”

This was my secret threat. Because I said Go Yohan’s name, not mine. Shin Jae-hyun took the threat more seriously than I thought. The sunset was reflected on his deeply contemplating face.

“Um, that wouldn’t be good.”

“But you’re talking so well.”

“You told me to tell you.”

Damn it, I have nothing to say. No, it’s better to listen. Other people’s opinions were also important to me. Shin Jae-hyun’s opinion, who has a surprisingly wide network, will definitely be helpful.

“And I feel sorry for you, who could be caught off guard without knowing anything if I don’t say anything.”

“Hey, is Go Yohan liking me a disaster?”

You really can’t know people’s minds. Because I got angry at those words. Why is Go Yohan liking me a disaster? Damn it, is it a disaster if a man likes a man? Insults about Go Yohan are directed at my reason for existence. Damn it, then am I, who is really gay, a disaster itself?

“That’s strange, why are you so angry?”

“Because!”

I was about to shout, but my mind quickly returned. I realized my irrational attitude in an instant. Getting angry in this situation is crazy.

“Because you’re being two-faced, it’s funny and absurd. You act like you’re against discrimination, but you’re cursing like this behind the scenes, it’s ridiculous.”

“Ah, you misunderstood. This isn’t discrimination……. No. It might be discrimination to Go Yohan.”

“What’s the difference?”

“It’s different. Go Yohan is scary.”

Going around and around, the conclusion was this. He’s scary. I lost my words at the too honest answer.

“Because you might be in a scary situation. I’m not bragging to discriminate, I want to take the side of the person who might become a victim. I also wished there was someone who would help me in the past. Sorry, you could see this as pity too.”

And then, with the next words, he lost his words in a different sense. To be honest, I felt a little heavy-hearted. I couldn’t say anything. I felt complicated emotions. It was as if my insides were tightly kneaded into a ball of dough. Suffocating, apologetic, and unpleasant feelings.

“Oh, what I mean is, I hope you handle it wisely. You never know what those kinds of kids will do when they snap. Like a shooting incident caused by resentment, but that wouldn’t happen in Korea, right?”

“There’s no way something like that would happen. And there’s no way what you’re saying is true.”

“Well, if you’re going to think that way until the end, there’s nothing I can do… Ah, it’s already this late.”

Shin Jae-hyun looked at his wristwatch with a surprised expression. Even those actions seemed peculiar somehow. After checking the time, he quickly grabbed his bag nearby. After packing the book on his desk into his bag, he said goodbye to me.

“I’ll be going then, and please, I trust you’ll keep my words a secret from Go Yohan.”

“You trust me?”

I would never trust myself if I were him. I asked back with a slightly uneasy feeling. Surprisingly, Shin Jae-hyun’s voice was clear, with hardly any worry in it.

“I think you know it’s in your best interest not to say anything.”

“So there was a reason you told me.”

“I’m good at reading people. Well, I haven’t had friends since I was little, so I’ve just been observing people all along.”

“…That’s a little creepy.”

“Everyone else does it too, right? Everyone makes random guesses about others. I’m just a little more talented and observant. Excuse me, can you move aside for a moment?”

“W-wait a minute.”

“Yeah?”

I hurriedly grabbed Shin Jae-hyun, who was getting ready to leave. There was a question I urgently wanted to ask. Just what kind of guys, what kind of group, had told Shin Jae-hyun those things? No, who was insulting Go Yohan? Where could I witness that filthy jealousy? I was anxious. I absolutely had to dig up this secret, as long as I wasn’t suspected.

“How did you come up with those thoughts? No, how could you hear those things? Like, the rumors about Go Yohan. Where are those ridiculous stories spreading?”

“Ah, that’s…”

Shin Jae-hyun rubbed his nose with his finger. He seemed embarrassed.

“The kids think of me as one of two things. Either I’m part of their group, or I’m someone they can say anything to because I’m not important. Then they say all sorts of things. Opinions of varying degrees come out, high or low. That’s actually more helpful.”

“…So, various opinions from an unspecified number of people.”

“It’s a good sample statistically. This is the advantage of not having a group.”

“No, that’s only possible because it’s you.”

Usually, if you don’t have a group, you get bullied. Shin Jae-hyun, who always maintained balance, was also an amazing guy. I had to admit what I had to admit. I decided to praise Shin Jae-hyun cleanly. My compliment must have been too sudden. Shin Jae-hyun blushed and stroked his hair.

“Thanks for the compliment.”

I heard everything I needed to hear. The hand gripping my clothes slowly relaxed. I withdrew my hand and reassured Shin Jae-hyun once again.

“I really won’t tell Go Yohan. There’s no point in spreading such ridiculous lies.”

“…Okay, if, just if, this story gets out.”

Shin Jae-hyun, who had been looking at me with slightly pitiful eyes as I continued to deny it, suddenly put a playful tone at the end of his words. Just like a friend. Shin Jae-hyun’s strange posture and attitude had a way of making people feel comfortable. I waited for what was clearly a warning as if it were an everyday conversation.

“I’ll assume you’re the culprit. You’re the only one I’ve talked to about Go Yohan.”

“So you’re saying you’ll never talk about this to anyone else besides me?”

“Yeah, that’s what it sounds like.”

Shin Jae-hyun, who was awkwardly laughing to himself, nodded.

“Yeah, I don’t think I will. Probably.”

Probably? I firmly reiterated Shin Jae-hyun’s threat.

“Then if you ever tell someone else, suspect them first. It’s definitely not me.”

“You’re sure of that.”

“I’m good at keeping secrets. There are a lot of things I hear, so check it out. People call me a bat, but they never say I have a big mouth.”

“Bat is a little harsh.”

Shin Jae-hyun frowned. Even so, he looked at me with a subtly sympathetic gaze. Well, it didn’t matter. I had long accepted the truth.

“It’s true.”

I admitted it coolly. It was something I had been gradually acknowledging for a while. Once I admitted it, there was no hesitation. Honestly, what else am I if not a bat? But Shin Jae-hyun was looking at me with a slightly surprised expression.

“You’re more straightforward than I thought.”

“Really? It’s more economical than denying it and getting angry.”

“When I look at you, you seem to have changed a bit. Something…”

His eyes, full of interest, lightly scanned me. As I fidgeted under that gaze, Shin Jae-hyun’s white teeth were revealed.

“Yeah, you’ve changed a bit.”

“I don’t really know.”

“That’s because you’re the one involved. People on the receiving end usually don’t know what’s being said behind their backs.”

“So there were stories about me among the things you heard?”

“…Yeah, that’s what it sounds like.”

“So a lot of gossip about me is going around.”

“Ugh…”

Shin Jae-hyun grabbed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger and forced a frown. After making an exaggeratedly worried expression, he shook his head lightly once and continued.

“I keep making mistakes when I talk to you.”

“That’s because you talk too much.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“So you did hear gossip about me?”

“If you put it that way, then yes?”

“…What do you mean?”

Curiosity arose again. I sent a blatant look demanding an answer. I was curious. About the evaluation of me. At the same time, I also thought that it might be better for me not to know. If I wasn’t curious, I wouldn’t get hurt.

What resolved my conflict was Shin Jae-hyun’s more cautious attitude than when he was blabbing about Go Yohan.

Was it because he was ashamed of having talked so boastfully, or was it to avoid making the same mistake twice in front of me, or was it simply because he didn’t want me to get hurt? I couldn’t figure it out at all right now.

“Even if I knew, I couldn’t say it in front of you.”

“Is it that bad?”

“It’s just normal. Don’t try to find out. Ignorance is bliss, right? Even if it was good, I wouldn’t tell you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. There’s no way it’s good.”

“Why, it could be. How do you know? You never know what might happen.”

You’re amazing for not telling me until the end. It was obvious that he would just keep dodging the question even if I kept asking. In the end, I playfully stopped pressing him. You have to be tactful when asking for favors. I needed to be a little careful since Shin Jae-hyun was the only connection I had.

“Okay, I won’t listen. Go.”

“Good thinking. See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah. You too. Ah, and…”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for today. Uh, it’s embarrassing to say this, but I’m really grateful and…”

“…”

“Sorry. Really go now.”

Shin Jae-hyun, who had been carrying his bag in a textbook-perfect manner, gave a refreshing smile. The art room door opened and closed. Left alone in the art room, I listened to the faint sound of footsteps in the hallway until the end. As the sound faded into the distance, I hardened my face and immediately collapsed onto the floor. Fingers trembling with anxiety dug into my hair.

It was the moment when the heat I had been holding back exploded.

“Go Yohan… you idiot!”

A splitting headache surged.

First, I writhed in agony. As always, I vented my anger. Because if I didn’t scream, even alone, I would be consumed and die in uncontrollable fear. So I screamed in the empty classroom where no one was.

Finally, the veil of secrecy that had covered my eyelids was lifted. All the way as I left school, the Go Yohan’s schoolyard grabbed at my ankles. Was it just my imagination that the school I looked back at from the main gate looked unusually dark that day? The ominous birdsong I heard as the sun set hastened my steps.

I ran and ran as if fleeing, and only stopped when I could no longer see the school. I bent over, grabbed my knees, and breathed roughly.

“Hah…”

As I breathed heavily, the bizarre atmosphere flashed through my mind like a slideshow. The gazes I had been involved with every time Go Yohan harassed me, the strange atmosphere I had felt in the cafeteria. Go Yohan and his group’s awkward pretense of being close. Maybe, just maybe.

“It’s not me. At least, it’s not me yet.”

I straightened up and looked around. It was still a familiar street. But my egg had been broken. What I saw after breaking through the shell was the truth. Shin Jae-hyun himself was proof. The seed had already been planted, and the bud was blooming without me knowing. Probably.

“Isn’t it?”

What would happen to me if I continued to be involved with Go Yohan?

I covered my mouth. I felt like I was going to gag. Fear approached like a whale with its mouth open. I was a pitiful mammal trapped in the deep sea. I was suffocating. My arrogant thoughts flashed by.

I should have known. That it wasn’t sharks that tore apart the corpses in the sea, but schools of small fish.

“Damn it.”

It’s all because of Go Yohan. It’s all because of that damn Go Yohan! I’ve been living quietly. I’ve been living perfectly! Korea University? Top of the class? What good are my shining futures if my secret is exposed? My only small flaw is about to devour my entire life! You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch! No, no. Get a grip. This is not the time to be like this.

“No, this won’t do.”

I kicked the ground with my foot without thinking. It was an attempt to cool my head by concentrating the blood in my legs. The heavier my legs became, the lighter my head felt. Damn it, damn it! In the midst of kicking the ground, a small flower garden came to mind, ‘Isn’t there still a way, at least for now?’

“That’s right. Absolutely, absolutely everything I’ve built up won’t collapse this easily.”

After all, even Shin Jae-hyun hadn’t noticed me, had he? The fact that I liked Go Yohan. He even pitied me.

My lies were perfect. The only thing that bothered me was the friendship between Shin Jae-hyun and Go Yohan’s group. Did they have overlapping friendships? Or not? If they did, it would be good for me, and if they didn’t, it would be like hugging a time bomb.

What were Lee Seok-hyun, Kim Seok-min, Kim Min-ho, and Park Dong-cheol thinking? About me and Go Yohan?

“Let’s think about the worst, the worst. The worst is…”

The worst came to mind faster than I thought. Because all I had to do was think of the reality I dreaded the most. The worst thing was that they were already assuming that Go Yohan and I had a shitty relationship. Or maybe they thought I had been caught up with Go Yohan and had become like Han Tae-san.

“…What if they’re already thinking that?”

Then their aloofness would be more understandable.

“No, yeah, my thoughts are right. It’s definitely them, it’s them. They’re the ones who did that Deposed Consort Kang thing… Damn it, yeah. The only ones who saw me and Go Yohan’s thing right next to us were them. That’s why they deliberately chose that word. Go Yohan said he tested me clumsily first. It’s certain. They must have been thinking it was strange too. They must have been dissing me the way they dissed Kim Min-ho among themselves. Bastards. Shin Jae-hyun heard it too. All the rumors that had spread.”

A vivid imagination bloomed in my head. Four people gathered in some corner of the school. And the sound of them talking became clear.

‘Aren’t those guys definitely doing it? I wondered why he was taking care of Kang Jun so much, hey, those guys did it, didn’t they? Didn’t they? Didn’t you see that gay bastard? He was like that too! Hey, who! Damn it, there’s more than one or two gays at school! There’s so many!’

“Yeah, it’s obvious. That’s what those guys who only diss people who aren’t there are like. They don’t even know they’re dissing each other. Idiots.”

But I also curse them in their absence.

The blurry imagination gradually seemed plausible. Lee Seok-hyun held his stomach and laughed at Kim Min-ho’s words. Kim Min-ho seemed to be having a good time too. Park Dong-cheol was flustered about what to do, but soon laughed the loudest. It seemed like he was laughing a little forcedly. But in the end, Park Dong-cheol would be the one enjoying it the most. I finished imagining and bit my thumbnail.

But how are you going to stop it in the end? The moment they spread the rumors, it’s only a matter of time before I get caught. In the end, no answer came, and my steps only quickened. I ran into the gate again as if running away. As soon as I slammed the door shut, I collapsed in the garden, panting.

“Idiots, morons, idiots, bastards… Damn it…”

12th place, gay, Shin Jae-hyun, Lee Seok-hyun, Kim Min-ho, Kim Seok-min, Park Dong-cheol, Oh Yeon-jun, Park Ha-on, Im Yun-gi, Hong Hwi-jun… It’s all bullshit. It all sucks. I clenched the grass on the ground with my fist and tried to pull it out like crazy, but I desperately held back. I swallowed the curses that had crawled up to my throat with my teeth clenched tightly.

My life, damn it, has never gone the way I wanted it to.

I kicked myself up and headed into the house. I gave a perfunctory answer to the housekeeper’s greeting and went into my room, where all I did was lie down on the bed.

Then I had a positive thought again. There was a reason.

“No, if those rumors were really going around, there’s no way Shin Jae-hyun would have pitied me.”

So maybe my story wasn’t spreading behind my back, but I was just being left as a pitiful victim? Then why? For what reason? Why did I become a pitiful victim swept up by Go Yohan? Suddenly, why?

“Why, why me?”

But no matter how much I racked my brains, I couldn’t figure it out. It was beyond my control.

Let’s just sleep. Let’s think after I sleep. I can’t do anything with my head in such a saturated state. And as I closed my eyes, I suddenly felt a slight vibration on my thigh. It was a phone call, judging by the multiple vibrations. There’s no way I’d get a call at this hour. My parents usually contact me around late evening. It’s still afternoon. So I had no choice but to take out my phone with suspicion.

Go Yohan’s name popped up on my screen.

“Damn it…!”

The moment I saw the name, I felt another headache starting. I checked the time and ignored the call. It wasn’t that I was avoiding it. It was because it was the time I was supposed to be taking a class at the academy. Of course, Go Yohan wouldn’t know about my academy break time, but this was closer to an obsessive rule.

But Go Yohan kept calling tirelessly. One call, two calls, three calls, the moment the number of calls I ignored reached three, I intuitively realized that something was wrong. Why three times in a row all of a sudden? Anxiety bloomed. Still, I didn’t answer Go Yohan’s call. A true liar never gives up on lying until the very end.

“What’s with him, calling me since earlier.”

And the call that suddenly stopped only amplified my anxiety.

Why isn’t he calling again? Was it not as big of a deal as I thought? Or was it some kind of psychological warfare on Go Yohan’s part? To scare me? I anxiously looked at the clock. The ticking of the second hand made me feel like I was going crazy. There are moments when even the fastest unit, the second, feels slow. This was one of those times.

“Damn it, why did he suddenly call…”

I avoided my anxiety with curses. It was an act of revealing my courage by saying harsh words as if nothing was wrong. At times like this, I feel like I’m no different from an ordinary high school boy.

Tick, tock. The minute hand reached the academy break time. But I didn’t call right away. All attitudes must be consistent. Even when lying. There are not many cases where you can call as soon as the break time ends. Usually, about 2 minutes after the teacher leaves. That’s the right time.

The phone doesn’t ring again. The three missed calls that appeared on the screen in a row made me anxious. Why three calls of all things. Why in a row? Was it to find me, or was it nothing? I’m going crazy, damn it. Faced with the unpredictability of not knowing what would happen, I moved my thumb. And I put the phone to my ear.

The connection was short.

“Hello.”

-Jun-ah. Why aren’t you answering your phone?

“…Sorry, I couldn’t answer because I was in class. I saw the missed calls.”

Even though I was clearly talking on the phone, my expression twisted like someone who was sincerely sorry. My mouth opened on its own, and a sigh of lament also flowed from my open mouth. I was sure it was a perfect performance.

-Liar, you didn’t go to the academy.

Shit, how did this bastard know? A cold chill climbed up my skin from my toes.

“I’m not.”

But I retorted quite nonchalantly. There was no point in confessing the truth now anyway. I might as well be consistent. I thought that was the better way.

-Oh, you’re not?

“Yeah, I’m not. I’m at the academy right now. Why would I skip the academy?”

-Well, you’re not the type to do that. But it’s really quiet around you.

“Of course. I’m on the phone in the emergency staircase. Do you think I’m crazy enough to call in the middle of the academy?”

-What’s wrong with that? We’re residents of a country born on freedom.

“I’m not the only one who deserves to enjoy freedom. Other kids have the right to study in a quiet space too.”

-You never give in, not even a single word.

A dry laugh was heard over the receiver. You son of a bitch.

If Go Yohan had seen my face, he wouldn’t have laughed like that. Kang Jun, who never gives in, not even a single word, was pale as a sheet right now. Why did Go Yohan say I didn’t go to the academy? Does he know something? Nervous, I timed my question. My mouth gaped like a goldfish, and then the conversation subtly cut off. Just before the silence grew too long, I brought up my curiosity.

“But really, why did you call?”

-Actually, I didn’t know it was your class time. I mistook it for break time.

“Then why did you say I wasn’t at the academy?”

-Just because.

“……”

-I was going to half-kill you if you got caught.

What a crazy bastard. He always makes jokes like that.

“What about you?”

-Me? What about me?

“Where are you?”

-Where else? I’m at home, of course.

“Liar.”

-Oh, you’re copying me again.

“I’m not copying you. There’s no way you’d be at home. You hate being at home.”

-Oh, you’re sharp. Actually, I’m out right now. Uh… Autumn’s coming soon. I felt like I had to eat cold noodles. They don’t sell cold noodles in the fall, do they? Stupid. Cold noodles taste best when it’s cold. Oh, are you going to do summer vacation supplementary classes?

It was a sudden question. It popped out after rambling on and on with strange noises. That question, which stood out so much in the conversation, made me feel uneasy for no reason. It even felt like the original purpose of the call was attached to the very end. I hesitated for a moment, then confessed frankly.

“I’m not. I have to prepare for rolling admissions.”

-Oh, right. I have to too. Rolling admissions.

“I don’t even want to see the faces of the kids at school.”

-Yeah, me too. I hate the bastards who follow me around, and the boring, uninteresting nerds too.

“You like those kinds of kids, though. Nerds.”

-I have standards. Standards.

“Yeah, so the kid you’re hanging out with now must be up to your standards?”

-What, who? Kim Seok-min? Lee Seok-hyun?

“No, you’re outside right now. You must be hanging out with someone. Him.”

Actually, I just guessed. Just like Go Yohan guessed about me. But Go Yohan’s reaction was a little different from mine.

-Wow.

A small exclamation flew over the airwaves. His voice was so proud that I was the one who was surprised.

“……Why?”

-Why are you being like this to me?

“……Why, what?”

-Why are you suddenly so interested in me? No, I’m alone! I called you because I was bored since I’m alone. I’ll tell you everything. What are you curious about?

No, I don’t think it needs to go that far. I was about to politely decline, but suddenly a strange voice mixed with Go Yohan’s voice over the receiver.

-Alone my ass! You’re a real crazy bastard, you know that? Are you dating?

And my excuse stopped abruptly before it even started.

“Wait, who’s next to you right now?”

-Huh? No?

“No? I definitely heard something just now.”

-It’s the street. Someone must have been caught saying something as they passed by. It’s really noisy around here.

But I don’t hear any other sounds. Not the sound of cars passing by, not the sound of crowds, not even the loud advertising sounds that can be heard on the street.

Lies. The three syllables lingered in my mouth. But the only thing I could do was not accuse, but evade.

“……I’m out of time. I have to go back in.”

-Already? Can’t we talk a little longer?

“I can’t. My grades today……”

-Oh, right. I called to tell you that. Congratulations. You did well, right? You looked happy.

“……”

My body cooled down calmly. My brain began to accept other pain for sure. I had forgotten about what happened after because something so fucked up had happened. My reality is only 12th in the entire school. Don’t forget. Going to Korea University for business administration might be out of the question.

“No, I failed.”

Because of you.

“I totally failed.”

-What? Hey, it couldn’t have been that bad…….

“Class started. I’m hanging up.”

I don’t want to hear any more of those tedious sounds, like do well or something. After all, Go Yohan is the cause of my misfortune. Bad feelings bring up equally bad feelings. I’m trying so hard not to fall into the pit, but why do you have to pull me down like that?

Damn it, I didn’t want to be trapped in unhappiness anymore, so I hung up the phone in a fit of anger. I stared at the turned-off screen for a moment, then turned it on again and switched it to silent mode.

I threw the silenced phone into the corner of the bed and lay down. One of my few strengths is that I am forward-looking. I closed my eyes and forced myself to let go. Yeah, what can I do about the results I’ve already received? The only thing to do is to solve what has already happened. I should get some rolling admissions counseling. Sometimes, the resentment of losing my goal, a feeling I didn’t want to face deep inside my heart, tried to kill me, but I managed to endure it.

It was fortunate that I was a year older. I had become a little more mature.

I fell asleep for a while. When I opened my eyes, a heavy rain was already pouring down. The long days were overshadowed by the dark night. The sky, full of dark clouds, hid the refreshing summer. Before I knew it, my whole body was cold because of the air conditioner.

“Achoo.”

I sneezed.

I should have covered myself with a blanket. Regretting my foolish actions, I headed to the dressing room. I took out a thin cardigan and put it on, then entered the connected room and checked my phone. There were missed calls piled up from the academy, asking if I had called.

After that, Go Yohan had called once every hour, but it wasn’t noticeable. The sound of falling rain tapped on the window. Tap, tap. The sound gradually changed to the sound of hitting the window.

“Um, Jun… student.”

The sound of knocking on the door mixed with the sound of rain. The quiet call of the housekeeper, cutting through the noise, entered the room through the crack in the door. I moved my feet and opened the door. As if she was planning to knock again, her hand, which was about to knock on the door, almost touched near my chest.

Auntie and I were both surprised and took a step back in a flurry.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I startled you.”

“No, what’s wrong?”

“Well, your friend is outside. I wanted to tell you.”

“My friend?”

“I wasn’t going to let him in because I didn’t have permission.”

Auntie’s gaze turned to the window across the hallway. The dark sky flashed brightly. A loud roar followed. After a moment of silence, she looked at me again and continued without changing her expression.

“They say it’s a downpour. From tonight until dawn.”

“Ah.”

“So, I didn’t let him into the house, but I told him to stand in the entryway.”

“……Who is it?”

It seemed like the words that should come out in the flow of the conversation, but I felt like I knew who it was even if she didn’t say it.

“The person who used to come over often.”

“……”

The thought that came to my mind in the meantime was that this person was truly cold-hearted. She must have known that he was my friend, but she didn’t let him in. And then I thought of Go Yohan, standing pathetically in the entryway, soaked in the rain and dripping water.

“Should I tell him to go back?”

“……No.”

But I know very well that I am too weak and inadequate to drive Go Yohan away.

“I’ll go.”

“Yes. And what about dinner……”

“I don’t think you need to make dinner. You can just rest.”

“Yes.”

There were no questions about why I wasn’t eating. It was a clean conversation. Leaving behind the somewhat mechanical and blunt person, I went down the stairs. Due to the structure of our house, you can see the entryway as soon as you go down the stairs. So, facing Go Yohan was inevitable.

After all, Go Yohan, soaked like a drowned rat through the transparent glass window, was already waving his hand first. And in his remaining hand was a plastic bag containing an unknown object.

“Ha, damn it……”

Unlike the rough words that came out small as if whispering, I smiled as brightly as possible on the outside. The hand opening the front door was giving strength as if it was about to burst.

“Hi.”

Go Yohan said, waving his hand, which he hadn’t lowered the whole time. He seemed quite pleased. I felt a sense of distortion in my expression and desperately forced a smile.

“What brings you here all of a sudden?”

“Here.”

A black plastic bag touched the tip of my nose. I was surprised by the sudden coldness that climbed up my nose and pulled my body back.

“What is this?”

“What else? It’s ice cream.”

“Why ice cream all of a sudden?”

“It’s a bribe and a gift.”

And Go Yohan pursed his lips and made a short, out-of-place sound.

“I have something I want to talk to you about.”

“……You? To me?”

“Yeah. Me. Why, can’t I talk to you?”

His slender face tilted to one side. Go Yohan, your hair has gotten so long. His moist, wet palm tapped my cheek. The lukewarm moisture touched my coldly cooled skin. At that moment, Shin Jae-hyun’s warning came to mind.

‘Be careful, Kang Jun-ah.’

“Jun-ah. Your expression is stiff.”

“……”

“They say you’ll be blessed if you smile. Smile, and take this.”

Go Yohan forcibly put the handle of the plastic bag on my wrist. My pitiful hand fell down as soon as Go Yohan let go. The bag, with water droplets all over the surface, brushed against my leg. Regardless, Go Yohan, who was just watching, tilted his head once more.

“Aren’t you going to give me a towel?”

“What?”

“Should I just take off my clothes here?”

His delicate face smiled slyly. His long fingers grabbed the hem of his school uniform and pulled it open. Through the gap, a completely wet white shirt was revealed. The shirt was clinging to his body, turning a subtle apricot color. I stared at the boundary between the white and apricot colors, then turned my head away.

“……Wait a minute. I’ll get it.”

“It’s okay. I’ll take it off and go in if you don’t want me to. If you want me to.”

“No, I don’t want you to at all. I’ll get it.”

I pronounced each syllable strongly. Go Yohan smiled and repeated the futile act of unfolding and folding his clothes. Rainwater splashed from the fluttering fabric. There was no more value in seeing it, so I turned around. Before going to the first-floor bathroom, I stopped in the hallway and leaned against the wall. It was a place where Go Yohan couldn’t see me. I looked at the sensor that quickly turned on the light and opened the black plastic bag I was holding.

It was green tea ice cream.

The ice cream was placed on the low table in the room. Go Yohan and I sat facing each other. The carpet was soft, and the air was a little chilly. It was because of the air conditioner. And yet, we were eating ice cream like this. You can’t do this unless you’re determined to catch a cold.

“I thought you would definitely be first place. Wow, this test was really like it was made by a crazy person.”

During a trivial conversation, a sensitive topic popped out. This made it clear. What talk, Go Yohan probably wanted to say this to me. That’s why he came.

I looked down at the wooden table and avoided his gaze.

“It wasn’t that difficult. I just didn’t do well.”

“No. It was difficult. I’m telling you it was difficult.”

Go Yohan, who was sucking on his spoon, made a serious face.

“Actually, my ranking dropped a lot too.”

“……How much?”

“Uh, well.”

Go Yohan spread his arms wide.

“A lot-, a lot-, a lot-, a lot.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Oh, you’re pretty good. You’re picking a fight?”

The spoon tapped his thin lips. The way he looked down from above was subtly annoying. The scales always tilted towards Go Yohan. After realizing that ‘Go Yohan likes me’ didn’t have much of an impact on Go Yohan, I also knew that it was wise to choose the path of escape.

“What can’t I do? Yohan.”

But I think I’m living a really hard life. I could have just shut up and stayed quiet.

“We’re friends.”

Sometimes I say things that I didn’t have to say.

It’s all because of that damn pride. In addition, I felt refreshed. Go Yohan’s eyebrows twitched once as he listened quietly. It meant he was uncomfortable. But soon, Go Yohan’s face blossomed into a bright smile. A flower bud burst on his gloomy face.

“Yeah, it’s so much better when you come out like this.”

“Ah……. You liked it.”

I felt a little uncomfortable with his relaxed reaction. It was like I was only that much to Go Yohan. An existence that he likes, but doesn’t want a change in the relationship. It felt like I had become just that kind of existence.

“I like it. It’s like we’re close friends. Best friends. We can talk so comfortably-.”

“……Can I really talk comfortably?”

His long neck moved lightly. I got permission. Go Yohan definitely gave permission. As soon as I gained confidence, my body immediately leaned towards Go Yohan. I felt angry because the difference in emotions between Go Yohan and me was so different, and I also had a question that I really wanted to ask.

“Then you, Han Jun-woo, did you really hate him that much?”

“Why all of a sudden?”

I heard a very plausible story about you. I buried the words I couldn’t say honestly. Instead, I threw a very tempting bait.

“Now that I think about it, you used to say that. You said you hated Han Jun-woo because he was gay.”

“Huh?”

“But you honestly like guys, right?”

This time, I dug in accurately so he couldn’t escape. His bright face gradually distorted. Ah, that’s satisfying. On the contrary, I become happy. That’s right. Even he must think it doesn’t make sense. Go Yohan’s lies are so naive. I put down the spoon and rested my chin on my hand.

“That’s right, that’s really weird. Then there’s no reason to hate Han Jun-woo, right?”

“……”

“……Was it because of me?”

Go Yohan’s lips moved awkwardly at my question. It was like tying his teeth with thread and pulling the thread upwards.

“Of course not.”

“Ah, I see.”

I knew this kind of answer would come out. I didn’t expect a particularly special answer. It was just a probe. A probe. I don’t really care. The reason why I suddenly felt down was, yeah…… it’s just because I heard something from Shin Jae-hyun. I clenched and unclenched my fist once violently. I don’t care. I forcibly forgot the question I had just asked, muttering as if brainwashing myself again.

“……Then why do you hate Han Jun-woo? You two were really close.”

“Why are you asking me that all of a sudden?”

“I’m just curious. I suddenly think it’s weird.”

Go Yohan frowned subtly, but answered as if it really didn’t matter.

“There’s nothing weird about it. I originally hate those pathetic bastards who don’t study.”

“Why did you become friends in the first place? Han Jun-woo couldn’t study from the beginning.”

“That’s networking, networking. I didn’t have a group to drag around more than Han Jun-woo. He was stupid. All the friends in the world were Han Jun-woo’s friends.”

“Ah……. I see.”

“Yeah? Is your curiosity satisfied now?”

“Yeah, I understand.”

That everything you say is really a lie.

Networking? Did Go Yohan ever care about Choi Dong-hwan or Hong Hwi-jun, who were Han Jun-woo’s friends? Did he ever meet a senior who went out with Han Jun-woo at night? He was a little nice to Park Dong-cheol, who bowed his head and came in first, but it’s suspicious that he only looked at Park Dong-cheol. What kind of networking did he do with that kind of topic?

“……Well, networking is important.”

That’s why I live like this. In a state where I have to welcome unwanted guests.

I’m pathetic. But I can’t help but act like this because I haven’t become an adult yet. Adults eat alone and play alone, but for students who have to live half a day in an isolated place for three years, being alone is still too much of an ordeal.

Being alone is so difficult that even Shin Jae-hyun can’t stand it and wanders around in groups. For a high school student, being alone is as good as suicide.

I picked up the spoon on the table. The silver spoon gently scraped the green surface. As the frozen shell peeled away, the inside was revealed. I stared at the darker green and said,

“But when are you going home?”

“Isn’t it raining too much now?”

“It’s next door.”

“The rain, the rain is pouring down like spears.”

Go Yohan’s hands slowly rose. Then, he shook his long fingertips to the point of looking cheap. Sound effects weren’t necessary. I could see the rain and wind raging through my room’s veranda window and the swaying garden trees. I stared at the scenery outside the window in despair.

“…I think I still have a few clothes left here.”

Go Yohan, who had lowered his hands at some point, was gently tapping the table with his fingertips. When I turned my head, Go Yohan was looking up at me with his head slightly lowered. He had the face of a child or a cat wanting a favor.

“I do, right?”

“…Yeah. I think I do.”

“Can I wear them?”

His thin eyelids blinked. My body stiffened. This wasn’t just about changing clothes. He was saying he was going to stay over. I wanted to shout immediately. No. No way.

“…Sure. They’re your clothes anyway.”

“Really?”

But my life never goes the way I want it to, and reality often oppresses me.

“Go wash up first. I don’t want you rubbing your wet hair on my pillows.”

“You can’t take it back.”

“I know, I know. You know where the towels are.”

“I, I know.”

Go Yohan threw the spoon on the table as if discarding it and jumped up. Then, he hurried towards the small door attached to my room. It was as if he was afraid I would change my mind. Of course, it was just my imagination. I kept my eyes on the door as it closed. It was almost completely closed. The door burst open again.

“Can I use your shampoo?”

Go Yohan’s half-wet hair swayed through the crack in the door. As if he didn’t always use my shampoo. He used it as he pleased every time he stayed over. I never said it, but the scent was always the same. I don’t know how thrilled I was to have a Go Yohan who smelled like me.

“Yeah.”

But I hate it so much now. I’m scared. I hate you, and I hate that I can’t control myself.

Go Yohan, satisfied with my answer, hid his head inside the door. Click, the door closed.

Only my breathing was heard in the room. I quietly got up. The carpet swallowed the sound of my footsteps. Soon, I heard the sound of the shower turning on from across the room. I looked at the ice cream container. It seemed I had already eaten it all, with only one spoonful of the green mass remaining.

I picked up my spoon and scraped the remaining ice cream into my mouth. A cold, bitter taste lingered in my mouth.

While Go Yohan was washing, I also changed into comfortable clothes. At the same time, I took out Go Yohan’s clothes that I had stashed away somewhere. It seemed to smell faintly of dust, so I just sprayed some air freshener on them. After returning, the door that Go Yohan had entered was still tightly closed, so I just left the clothes in front of the door and came out.

As I lay in bed watching the rain, the door opened with a creak. Only a long hand reached out through the crack in the door and groped the floor.

“I left it there on the left.”

Pause. The hand, which had stopped for a moment, bounced lightly and moved to the left. The hand that found the clothes slowly went back into the crack in the door. After a little time, Go Yohan came out wearing the clothes I had given him, holding his slightly damp, wet school uniform. Go Yohan, with a towel on his head and a bright smile, came to the bed and stood there blankly, saying,

“Thank goodness. It’s been a while, but it’s still okay.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

No, we can’t both go back to the old days. The problem is that I acknowledge that fact, and you don’t. Our friendship was broken by that difference of opinion. No, to be honest, it wasn’t friendship. Our relationship was more about ulterior motives than purity, and that was the beginning of this ending.

And the seeds I sowed bloomed in a place I didn’t know, carried by the summer breeze.

Go Yohan is a real liar.

I thought as I looked down at Go Yohan, who was now shamelessly asleep in my bed. Is this bastard pretending to be asleep right now? But I immediately dismissed my suspicion. It’s hard to imitate Go Yohan when he’s sleeping. He looks like a corpse.

Go Yohan sleeps without making a sound, like a wild animal.

The most recent lie Go Yohan told was that he always slept in the guest room. When did my bed become the guest room? I went to the bathroom on the first floor because I didn’t want to use the shower that Go Yohan used, and this is what happened. I can’t help but laugh at the sight of him subtly shifting to the left as he sleeps.

Was it intentional, or just a coincidence?

“Whether it’s a coincidence or not, it’s a trap that has no reason to be caught.”

There’s no need to walk a difficult path. I grabbed my phone and left the room. To sleep in the guest room. But unfortunately, I stayed up all night with my eyes wide open. Just like on days when I drink coffee. When people fall into the early hours of the morning, they often do foolish things.

I stared at the dark ceiling and made a futile prayer.

Please help my life go well. I’ve suffered enough. What exactly am I supposed to learn from this ordeal? Seriously, love your neighbor? You have to say something that makes sense.

God always helps me halfway. When I realize that I’m the one who has to solve this problem in the end, I fall into despair again. Life is a cogwheel. It goes around in the same cycle again. I promise myself that I’ll never do this again, but I’ll fall into the same thing again.

Why are numbers with a 1 so hard to control? The top student in the school, the 12th student, and my teens are all difficult. The only numbers I can easily control are the ones without a 1.

I woke up at 5 a.m. today. Or rather, I didn’t wake up, I didn’t fall asleep.

I changed into the school uniform I had prepared in advance before Go Yohan woke up and went outside. It was 6 a.m. when I came out. I was walking along the quiet morning streets when I suddenly caught any bus that came into view and got on. Maybe it was because I just wanted to leave my reality, which had become terrible. My grades and connections had all gone bad.

I even thought it would be nice to just leave like this and die. I have to go to school someday, but wherever I end up, I can take a taxi back. Money is the only thing I have, after all.

Of course, money always gives me a second chance. At this time, I didn’t know the natural order of things.

The fact that I used the Early dismissal pass that Homeroom Teacher gave me again was entirely Go Yohan’s fault. I didn’t want to show others that I was too close to Go Yohan. I didn’t want to be sucked into the same misunderstanding. It was clear that it would be a quagmire. All I could do was send Go Yohan an apologetic text.

“I’m going out early because of the hospital. Ask Auntie to make you food.”

Ugh, look at me pretending to be close. How disgusting. I know why the kids hate me. I stuck my tongue out slightly and pretended to gag. It’s disgusting after all.

After that, I ran while looking at the scenery, and around 7 a.m., when Go Yohan would have woken up, I received a reply.

“How does it feel to eat breakfast in front of a strange Auntie in the morning?”

Correct, none of my business. I didn’t even check the message and turned it off.

And the reason I couldn’t stand it and got off the bus was surprisingly the front gate of Korea University. The next stop is the front gate of Korea University. As soon as I heard that short announcement, I got goosebumps and jumped up from my seat. Damn it, are you making fun of me right now? What is it? I was so angry that I couldn’t stand it and just got off. Of course, I soon regretted it as I looked at the empty streets. I really had no choice but to find a taxi.

“Sorry all of a sudden. Could you tell Homeroom Teacher that I’ll be late?”

I sent a text to Shin Jae-hyun late. As Go Yohan said, I was trying to manage my connections and social life. It was a selfish friendship, but I had to do something like that.

“As expected, there’s no reply.”

I didn’t expect one anyway. Now that I knew that Shin Jae-hyun was someone who cared about what others thought, I felt relieved. After all, he’s just a high school student. Even the guys who seem special are all the same when you dig deep. I find comfort in that.

“I guess he doesn’t want to be close to someone like me. Oh well.”

I took a taxi back to the school and spent just enough time at the cafe to avoid being misunderstood. Everything was repeated in the same way. Just like that day. The flat roof covering the school entrance, the window nearby. The roof that you can reach by jumping a little over the window. And meeting Kim Min-ho, who was climbing up the uneven brown bricks.

“Oh? You son of a bitch!”

Kim Min-ho cursed as soon as he saw me. It’s almost a habit at this point.

“You son of a bitch, Kang Jun. Are you skipping class again? Wow, this guy’s a thug?”

“I’m not skipping, I went to the hospital.”

“Don’t lie, you son of a bitch. You go to the hospital like you’re going to a PC cafe. Crazy.”

A thick hand threatened me. But I didn’t bat an eye. Kim Min-ho often played these pranks on the people around him. I was actually a little embarrassed. These pranks were the treatment that guys who were in Kim Min-ho’s close circle received.

In other words, I was embarrassed by Kim Min-ho’s sudden approach.

Why is he suddenly acting friendly with me?

“You still have the Early dismissal pass that Homeroom Teacher gave you, right? You used that to play around, didn’t you? Ah, this is bullshit. I should report you. Originally, guys like you who are obsessed with studying can suddenly go crazy. The adults trust guys like you so much that they can’t suspect you. But pay attention to your surroundings, cough, spit! Ah, shit. I have so much phlegm.”

Ugh. I frowned as I looked at the yellow liquid on the floor. It’s so dirty, I’m going crazy. I looked at Kim Min-ho’s face with the same feeling of disgust that made me want to vomit. Ah, he’s dirty too.

“The grades don’t count anymore, so it doesn’t matter if you report me.”

“See! It’s over now, isn’t it! Oh? Wait a minute, the second semester grades don’t count?”

“Yeah. That’s how it is at our school.”

“Ah, really? God damn it! I was just getting into studying.”

As if you would. What’s the point of changing the guy who’s always been at the bottom?

“Keep working hard. You can do well on the college entrance exam.”

“Keeeep wooorking haaard. You caaan doo weell on the cooollege entraaance exaaam.”

“…I’m going up before the bell rings.”

The way he sticks out his lower lip and imitates my speech is disgusting. I fought with this guy over Go Yohan’s seat. I can’t help but feel disgusted by my pathetic past. I turned around because I didn’t want to see his face. And I was about to step onto the stairs.

“Hey, wait a minute, come here for a second.”

If I ignore him here, I’ll be gossiped about so much that I’ll be torn to shreds. I can’t ignore him because I know that.

This shitty hierarchical school life. I just turned my body around and asked with my eyes. Why. Kim Min-ho was doing all sorts of things, like standing with one leg propped up, shaking his wrist, and tapping the floor with his foot, before he reached out as if he had made up his mind. He grabbed my uniform rudely and pulled me towards him. Then, knowing that no one was there, he muffled his voice and asked,

“Those guys were talking about me, right.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Who else, you son of a bitch? Huh? There are guys who just give you that feeling when you hear them. The guys who come to mind without even thinking.”

Kim Min-ho’s grip tightened along the wrinkles of the uniform he was holding. When the fabric caught in Kim Min-ho’s grip started to bother me, Kim Min-ho asked again.

“Those guys were talking about me, right. You heard them. Right?”

“Talking… about you…”

Suddenly, I was given a choice I didn’t want. What should I say here? If I badmouthed these three here, Kim Min-ho might go to them and say that Kang Jun is a blabbermouth. But I couldn’t disagree because Kim Min-ho asked too blatantly. As if the answer was already decided.

I thought carefully. To choose the best method. The best answer I could think of right now was this.

“I’m not sure, but I just happened to hear it. It didn’t seem like they were saying anything too bad.”

Passing the responsibility on to someone else. Someone I don’t even know.

“You didn’t hear it directly?”

“No.”

“So what did you hear? Tell me in detail.”

“Well… I don’t know exactly, but the atmosphere was a little weird when they were talking.”

“You son of a bitch, what do you know? You don’t know anything, you son of a bitch, don’t know? Why haven’t you heard anything?”

“I have to have somewhere to hear it. You son of a bitch.”

I’m annoyed. It’s so annoying that he keeps asking me so many questions. I felt like he would keep clinging to me if I left it like this, so I took out a chess piece that I didn’t want to use.

“What am I supposed to hear from someone? No one even talked to me back then. You son of a bitch.”

To put it another way, if you made me look like that, you shouldn’t at least think about getting anything from me. You shameless bastard. The reason I deliberately chose harsh words was because it was a strong but ultimately submissive statement. Because it’s a statement that ultimately admits that I was being bullied.

As expected, Kim Min-ho, who didn’t expect me to lower myself so much to refute him, muttered small sounds like uh, ah, uh, and tsk. And what he said was even funnier.

“Ah, hey! You son of a bitch, I have something to say too! You’re making me feel so awkward. I, you son of a bitch, I thought you did something wrong back then. Ah, you crazy bastard. Why did you fight with Go Yohan? I thought you guys were going to be friends for a thousand years.”

I should have just said, “Oh, there’s something like that.” to this clumsy accusation. Strangely, my mouth didn’t move the way I wanted it to. The base of my heart was filled with anger from inequality.

“Would you have been able to stand it?”

“Oh, Kang Jun, you’re pissed?”

“Pissed… ! Ha, anyway, something like that happened.”

“Well, Go Yohan is annoying.”

I was trying to cover up the mistake I made by minimizing it, but Kim Min-ho suddenly agreed with my words. Then, he put his thick arm around my shoulder and dragged me to the corner of the stairs. I was dragged along by Kim Min-ho’s bulk, and then I heard words that I never thought I would hear from Kim Min-ho’s mouth.

“I honestly know. How you made up with that son of a bitch.”

“…What are you talking about? Are you talking about Go Yohan? You know why he and I made up?”

“Who else is there besides Go when I say that son of a bitch?”

“How do you know why he and I made up?”

“What do you mean made up, you didn’t even make up, did you? You guys were so hostile. The day Go Yohan was screaming and making a mess at the entrance, rumors spread to everyone. Kang Jun, you can’t be like this. You’re going to get screwed by Go Yohan if you keep this up? You know how he treats the kids he doesn’t like. Look at that son of a bitch Han Jun-woo. That gay bastard can’t even come to school anymore. He’s scared of Go Yohan.”

The reason Han Jun-woo doesn’t come to school isn’t because he’s scared of Go Yohan, but because he’s obsessed with men. But the only ones who knew that fact were me and Han Tae-san.

“…I think that’s a bit of an overreaction.”

“Overreaction, Kang Jun. You’re more naive than I thought. I thought you were a really annoying bastard? No, no. I didn’t have an eye for people. Crazy bastard. Stupid bastard. I feel so sorry for you, I’m going crazy. I’m telling you, rumors have spread about you? That broken arm and leg. Go Yohan did that to you, right.”

What? When I frowned even more, Kim Min-ho, who misunderstood my meaning, opened his mouth excitedly.

“Right? Right, right, right. Right. Right! Shit. I knew it. Kids are all the same. Kang Jun, that bastard, got caught, and Go Yohan broke it. He’s a special kind of crazy, you know? Fanatic Go Yohan. Crazy, moron, psycho. But, how nice am I? And I know you because I’m close to you. You’re too nice, so you wouldn’t say Go Yohan did it and just endured it. Planning the big picture. It’s different from those Han losers. Because you’ve got some experience, you’re different from Han Tae-san. Right? That’s what I said! And I nipped your rumors in the bud. Didn’t I do a good job?”

“What…?”

And my curiosity was resolved in a flash. It was truly astonishing. Kim Min-ho, the grateful bastard who stood up for me, was that Kim Min-ho.

“You did that…?”

“Yeah, you punk!”

What exactly is this feeling? My 12th place as a sacrifice, the seeds of ‘good deeds’ I had sown are rampaging back. Could my past self have known, even if I was just a little wiser? No, absolutely not. That Shin Jae-hyun, whom I didn’t even know existed, and Kim Min-ho, whom I hated the most, would become my shields.

“I appreciate you saying that. But Go Yohan didn’t do that. I’m baffled by how that rumor started.”

“How that rumor started?”

Kim Min-ho couldn’t suppress his laughter. He chuckled silently and then suddenly slapped my butt hard with his hand.

“How could it not start?”

“Hey, you…”

Before I could utter a curse, Kim Min-ho wiped his palm vigorously on his thigh as if it were dirty. Then, he glanced around and leaned in close to me again.

“Do you know how much Lee Seok-hyun, Kim Seok-min, and that Park Dong-cheol bastard are gossiping? They’re grinding their teeth. Those bastards are spreading rumors all over the place. That’s how I immediately noticed they were talking about me. How light their mouths must be usually, those bastards.”

“……”

“Do you know what they’re saying? That Go Yohan is watching you like that. Shiiit. Ugh!”

“What? Hey, what nonsense…!”

“Hey, hey, hey. Listen. But you know what? It’s not bullshit, it all makes sense! Listen, listen to me. Hey, shit, listen. I thought it was weird too? It was back in the first year. That son of a bitch pointed at you in the cafeteria and asked who you were, right? I thought he was talking about Han Jun-woo, so I told him it was Han Jun-woo, and Go Yohan gave me a dirty look. Shit, I was so embarrassed then… Anyway, do you know what he said then?”

“……Wait, just a minute.”

“Pissed off, right? You bastard. He said I did something embarrassing! And he wouldn’t say what he did, no matter what. But who else was next to Han Jun-woo back then besides you? That bastard was targeting you. Wow, shit. I thought it was a joke back then, but looking at the situation now, it’s not.”

The photo of me in Go Yohan’s phone that I saw sometime ago quietly aligns with Kim Min-ho’s words. Those memories from my first year, skipping over the new photos, the old photos, sealed my mouth shut.

“Hey. Isn’t that creepy as hell? It seems like a time when you need to be careful has come. But no, there’s a way now.”

“A way?”

“I’m thinking of doing something about that bastard. Hey, don’t ask too deeply, huh? That bastard is looking down on me.”

Damn it, Shin Jae-hyun was right. Kim Min-ho smiled slyly at me, seeing that I couldn’t speak.

“I hate Seok-hyun, Seok-min, and that loser Park Dong-cheol, and that bastard who’s acting up without knowing how scary people can be. They’re so gossipy. And look at them sucking up to Go Yohan, making his ass ragged. Ugh. From what I see, man. I think you’re a really decent guy. You’ve got guts.”

The eye of the storm opened.

Throughout my school days, I feared the ruin that would befall me. The only despair that would shatter my bright future was my taste. I was always careful, so careful. But my fear was just a worry.

This guy, who recklessly shielded me, even excused the wounds that Go Yohan had inflicted. ‘Park Dong-cheol is a bad guy.’ That one word. I can’t believe it, but with that one word of kindness, I was being protected without my knowledge.

“……”

They say hot air rises. The suffocating heat was already climbing the pyramid, becoming a huge wind.

“You have a lot of money at home, right? Your family can hold its own against Go Yohan, right?”

But Kim Min-ho’s sudden words are annoying. Money, the intention is too transparent.

“Don’t you live in the same neighborhood as Go Yohan? Only rich people live there.”

“Don’t tell me you’re saying that if you cause trouble, I should cover it with my money?”

“What kind of talk is that? Shit, you’re making me feel bad. If you say it like that! It’s not that you’re covering it, it’s that we’re teaming up fairly! I have strength, you have money. Huh? Your brain. My connections. Huh? Let’s combine them. Listen. I’ve come up with a really good plan.”

Kim Min-ho’s arm tightened around my neck even more. Soon, a choking breath seemed about to burst out. It wasn’t a good time. Not for me, not for Kim Min-ho. A loud bell rang in the quiet school. It was the bell signaling the end of class.

“Ah, shit. What shitty timing is this? Hey, let’s talk later.”

“……Later, when?”

“Oh, look at you asking. You’re eager? Right? You’re a little tempted, aren’t you?”

“It’s not that…! I’m just going to listen first.”

“Crazy? Just going to listen? No way. That won’t do. What if you spread what I said? Hmm, hmm, that won’t do.”

“……”

“Don’t be a penny-pincher and play it safe, give me a definite answer if you’re going to do it, you son of a bitch.”

What a load of crap. The curses that pop up at the end of every sentence are also annoying. I pushed Kim Min-ho, who was pressing down on me with his weight as if subtly pressuring me, with all my might. It was an expression that I wouldn’t give in either.

“Hey, if you’re going to talk, make sense. Weren’t you going to tell me before the bell rang anyway? And if I’m going to decide whether to do it or not, I need to know what it is. How can I say anything without even hearing what it is?”

“Ah, this son of a bitch is making me speechless.”

His sullen-looking cheeks were swollen and drooped down. Kim Min-ho’s eyebrows, which are on the darker side, are gradually gathering in the center. At that moment, the commotion, riding the hallway and stairs, gradually shook the entire school. I and Kim Min-ho simultaneously realized the limits of the conversation. A look passed between us, a silent promise. And we agreed.

“Then, since we don’t have time now, let’s talk after class later.”

“Shit, that’s too late! Come out right after you eat.”

“There’s nothing more suspicious than meeting just the two of us after eating.”

“Just don’t get caught, you bastard.”

“If you can meet me without getting caught among these many eyes, then try it.”

“This bastard, really, I’ll…”

Kim Min-ho raised his hand to pretend to hit me, but I didn’t avoid it. I knew very well that he wouldn’t hit me. This bastard needs me now. And cowering and avoiding it here won’t help me. I have to show him that I won’t give in to you either.

As I expected, Kim Min-ho lowered his hand, embarrassed, seeing that I didn’t budge.

“Then after class. Call me as soon as it’s over, got it? If you run away, you’re a moron for life.”

“I got it, so get lost.”

“Okay! I got it!”

Kaaak, ptooey. Kim Min-ho spat phlegm on the perfectly good floor, put his hands in his pockets, and went down the stairs.

Does that bastard not even attend class, I wonder, but I have no right to say anything since I’m the same. Knowing Kim Min-ho in the second year, I can roughly guess. It was probably a math class where they took a pop quiz and gave slaps for the number of wrong answers, and Kim Min-ho, as always, would have made an excuse about a stomachache and gone to the nurse’s office. After all, math, which has no obligation to take care of a lower-class student who doesn’t even solve problems, wouldn’t care whether the kid is sick or not. That’s how this school is.

In contrast, I receive too much attention. The Homeroom Teacher is a prime example. As soon as I went up the stairs and stepped into the hallway, I made eye contact with the Homeroom Teacher, who was scanning Class 1 through the window. The Homeroom Teacher, who was pacing around with the attendance book, greeted me with a distorted smile. Her gaze landed on my bag.

“Oh. Jun-ah. You’re late?”

“……Hello.”

“Did you go to the hospital again today? What did they say at the hospital? Are you still not feeling well?”

I didn’t even go to the hospital, what. I had nothing to say, so I smiled awkwardly and changed the subject.

“I’m sorry for skipping class so often.”

“Sorry, your health is the most important thing, so it can’t be helped. Now, grades are all about the college entrance exam…, no. Jun can aim for rolling admissions enough. Your grades have been consistently good so far, your volunteer hours are high, and you have a lot of extracurricular activities… There’s no need to worry.”

This is exactly the kind of attention. I just said hello, but strangely the conversation jumps to grades. It seems the Homeroom Teacher is more shocked than I am.

“I think I’ve been too lazy.”

“Lazy, what!”

The Homeroom Teacher made a loud noise as if flustered. Surprised by her own voice, the Homeroom Teacher kept looking around. The kids in the hallway looked at me and the Homeroom Teacher, but their interest quickly dissipated. Because the Homeroom Teacher patted my shoulder and said, “Don’t blame yourself like that.” It’s a situation that anyone can understand at a glance, and even I find boring.

“Everyone has a time when they slip up once.”

I guess I did slip up. I was unintentionally confirmed.

“It may feel like a huge mistake now, but a lot of things will be no big deal after just one year.”

“Even if I fail to get into college?”

“Of course. College is really nothing in life.”

It was a statement that I couldn’t believe or empathize with. I couldn’t respond, so I remained silent, and the Homeroom Teacher gave me a subtle smile and tapped my arm.

“You don’t know it now. I was like that in high school too. You’ll know when you grow up. No, Jun is smart, so you might be able to figure it out after experiencing it a little.”

“Ah, yes…”

“Well, then. Can you come to the faculty room with Teacher now?”

“Yes?”

“No, well. There’s something I need to ask you. Teacher bought lunch in advance? If you’re hungry, do you want to eat together in the faculty room? If you feel burdened, you can take it and go to the classroom.”

Suddenly, the Homeroom Teacher is strange. Well, adults are often like this. Their faces are smiling as usual, but there are times when they exude an atmosphere that is different from usual. However, based on the statistics of a life spent watching adults’ moods, it’s best to follow silently when an adult comes out with this attitude.

“Yes. I’ll go.”

“Really? Then bring your bag first.”

Why did she tell me to bring my bag when she had something to ask me? At that time, I realized that something was unusual. In the faculty room, the Homeroom Teacher brought bags of bread that she must have received from somewhere. Then, she gestured to me and kindly pulled the chair in front of the laptop back.

“Sit here.”

“Ah, yes.”

As soon as I sat down awkwardly, I saw a familiar name and number.

[3rd Grade Class 1 Kang Jun]

There were exactly ten names below that. And Go Yohan was not among them. The Homeroom Teacher moved the mouse and clicked on my name twice. At the same time, the real title of the file also appeared.

[Student Record]

The Homeroom Teacher gave a slightly awkward smile and turned the laptop screen towards me.

“This, look at it only here, and write down what you want me to write down, or what you need. Teacher will revise it.”

“Yes? Teacher, but this…”

“Ah! Don’t worry. It’s not just our class doing it. Some of the top students in the 3rd grade did it.”

“……Ah.”

“It’s an instruction from the vice principal and principal. You really don’t have to worry.”

I hesitated and put my hand on the keyboard. The blinking cursor was clearly visible in front of my eyes. The Homeroom Teacher strangely became long-winded and whispered unnecessarily quietly in the quiet faculty room where no one was around.

“Today, just check it all the way through, and if there’s anything to revise, come to revise it tomorrow.”

“Yes?”

“If it’s hard, the day after tomorrow is fine too.”

Is this really okay? I was about to ask that, but I closed my mouth because I knew I would only hear that it was okay anyway. Only then did I realize the power of the tower I had built up. Surprisingly, I had received this opportunity to make up for my mistake. The world is so petty and mean.

After lunch and the 5th period of self-study, I returned to the classroom. Go Yohan was not there, but Shin Jae-hyun was. Go Yohan seemed to have gone to the bathroom. Now is the time. I moistened my parched lips with my tongue and hesitantly walked towards Shin Jae-hyun. And I babbled about the reason why I came out of the faculty room, even though I was late. Of course, with lies. My feet were tingling.

“My grades dropped.”

“Oh? Ah, so that’s why you came out of the faculty room?”

“Yeah, well… I had some counseling. Other kids came and went too, right?”

As I said that, I subtly probed Shin Jae-hyun.

“About how many? I don’t know well, but two people from our class went in the morning and received some kind of workbook. Seeing that they were all students who had good grades, it seems to be a privilege for the Homeroom Teacher’s favorite students. The workbook.”

Naturally, everyone’s eyes in the room turned to my hand. To be exact, it was the workbook in my hand. I couldn’t take my eyes off the workbook in my hand as if to show off. It was the workbook that the Homeroom Teacher had handed me before leaving the faculty room. Shin Jae-hyun’s gaze also turned to the workbook. I became embarrassed for no reason and subtly hid it with the palm of my hand.

“You got it too.”

“Ah, yeah.”

“Oh? Wait a minute. Bae Seok-ah! You didn’t return my textbook to me.”

Before I could finish speaking. Shin Jae-hyun, who always volunteers to be second to everyone, passed me and spoke to someone who was passing by. I didn’t intend to stick around any longer either. I didn’t want to reveal my mistake by opening my mouth any further anyway. I think it’s a good thing.

Rather, my attention turned to the hallway. Because of Go Yohan. I stretched my neck, anxiously wondering when Go Yohan would return. Then I almost bumped into An Jisu, who was about to come out of the entrance of Class 2. I even dropped the workbook I was holding by mistake.

“Ah, sorry.”

“It’s okay. …Oh, this.”

An Jisu looked at the workbook I dropped and raised her head sharply to make eye contact. Then she smiled proudly. At that moment, we felt a sense of solidarity. It was a very short and insignificant weak solidarity, but still. No, at least I did. It was a simple reason that An Jisu would have felt that way too. Because that girl patted the book with the palm of her hand and spoke to me kindly.

“Here. Be careful. You might fall.”

“Oh, thanks.”

“Then see you later.”

What better excuse is there for a high school student than grades? Today is the day when no one thinks it’s strange if you’re buried in a workbook even during break time. In my heart, I was anxiously trembling, afraid that Go Yohan might talk to me, and I buried my eyes in the workbook.

Now, I really shouldn’t let go of studying, not just pretending.

But a large palm suddenly came up over the worm-like letters. There is only one person in this class who would commit such an arbitrary act. I frowned without realizing it and raised my head. But Go Yohan’s face, which I faced, was quite serious, so my annoyance quickly subsided.

“The 3rd grade has a small percentage of internal grades reflected.”

This sudden statement was so out of the blue that I couldn’t understand its intention at all.

A bone-chilling cold wind pours down. How hard is this damn school turning on the air conditioner? I swept my cold, stinging skin with the palm of my hand.

“And you can do well on the college entrance exam.”

“Can’t you see I’m studying to do that now?”

Oops, was I a little harsh? I was afraid that my mistake would turn into bad luck, so I unconsciously looked at him. Fortunately, Go Yohan didn’t seem to care.

“Did I bother you?”

No. Scratch that. He was definitely upset.

Go Yohan asked, tapping the workbook with his finger. But, I feel like I have to say something, but it’s awkward to say no or yes here. So I chose the lesser of two evils.

“No, it’s okay. Ah…, you know I can’t go with you today either. Because I have to study.”

“Do you really need to tell me that? You never went with me. Even in the second year.”

“……I guess so.”

“Why are you suddenly pretending like you ever went with me?”

The hand covering the workbook was instantly withdrawn. Go Yohan rose from his seat, interlacing his fingers and supporting the back of his head. His face was utterly languid and listless. He carried himself as if he were detached from this fierce competition.

“School life is so boring these days.”

Taken aback by his sudden, idle remark, I reflexively retorted,

“Study.”

At that, Go Yohan burst into loud laughter.

He really is a strange guy. And while Go Yohan laughed, I kept glancing around to see who was watching. The thought dominating my mind at that moment was, ‘Do I look close with Go Yohan right now?’ Midway through, I made eye contact with someone chattering at the front of the class.

I subtly pulled my chair away, towards the opposite side from where Go Yohan was.

After class, as I was getting my shoes at the school entrance, I happened to see Han Tae-san. Han Tae-san clearly raised his hand towards me, but I ignored him, pretending not to see. Fortunately, Han Tae-san seemed to have caught on, as he didn’t bother to acknowledge me. Finally, he’s getting a clue.

I took a taxi, pretending to go to the academy, but after circling the neighborhood once, I returned to school. Then, I found Kim Min-ho’s number saved in my phone and pressed the call button. The ringing stopped after just two rings.

“Hey, where are you?”

-Fourth floor, faculty restroom-. Come up quick.

Again with the restroom. Disgusting bastard. At least it wasn’t the second floor, which is always filled with the stench of cigarettes. With no one around, I walked silently through the school. It was so quiet that I could hear the sound of the restroom door opening. As soon as he saw me, Kim Min-ho banged loudly on the restroom wall with his palm, looking pleased as he bared his teeth.

“Yo, Kang Jun-i. I knew you’d come. Shit, you’d have to be crazy not to be interested. Huh? You don’t know what the hell Go Yohan is gonna do to you, so you can’t just shut your trap and stay still, you’re not high-ranking enough for that.”

“Cut the crap, what’s your plan?”

“Ah, impatient, aren’t we? Listen up. This is a really ingenious plan. The best operation to completely crush Go Yohan. Ah, this one thing will finish him, and he’ll get reamed at home too. We can get all the kids on our side, too, you know?”

Kim Min-ho licked his chapped lips sloppily with his thick tongue. A clear ambition shone in his eyes as he stared intently at me.

“You should confess to Go Yohan.”

“…What?”

As an aside, the secret shared by a small group of top students in Class 1 and Class 2 never spread. Not even Shin Jae-hyun knew. Really. The most solid cartel in this school was a different one. It’s surprising that I was a beneficiary of that cartel.

And it’s the same now. I was standing at the center of a change. A big change that only Kim Min-ho and I knew about.

“And I’ll record it! How about that, isn’t it awesome?”

“Hey, you son of a bitch! Are you crazy?”

I regret it. I regret listening to Kim Min-ho. Why did I pick up such auditory garbage? My agitated mind sharpened its edge ruthlessly. Moreover, the fact that I unconsciously shouted meant that I had momentarily lost even the conviction that I shouldn’t reveal my agitation to others.

First and foremost, I was angry.

“Me, me, I’m supposed to do something like that—why would I!”

“Hey, no, this is a really good idea, I’m telling you?”

“You, you bastard, are you making fun of me right now?”

“Ah, crazy—shut up!”

“Hey!”

After shouting, my head instantly cooled down. I was out of my mind. Only then did I come to my senses.

With the feeling of trying to pick up spilled water, I mashed my lips together. As I, who had been so agitated, suddenly shut my mouth, Kim Min-ho also lowered his voice a little. His gleaming eyes checked the restroom door. I, too, watched the situation for a moment with a tense look. There was no change. Kim Min-ho moved and opened the door. He looked left and right down the hallway, then closed the door again and came back.

“No one’s there, you bastard.”

A sigh of relief came out involuntarily. And after looking around, I continued the conversation with Kim Min-ho. At first, it was mostly me talking, as I had more to say.

“You’re trying to make me a retard too, aren’t you.”

“No, I’m not, I’m telling you? Didn’t you see Han Jun-woo, that bastard? Shit, this is a jackpot. One hundred percent, that bastard will, uh, uh… yeah… act all shy and shit. But? The moment he does, it’s over. This is a real nuke, you know? You don’t have to worry. I’ll be filming well from across the window, and at the decisive moment, I’ll just appear! Yohan! Hidden camera! Ta-da! Surprise! Just a prank! If we play it off like that, you can just slip away from the spot. You know it’s no fun if you take this seriously, right? Just give off that kind of vibe. Then he’s the only one who looks like an idiot. Got it?”

“Don’t talk nonsense. What are you going to do with the video? Spread it around the school? Then what about me in that video, the crazy—shit, the one acting like that? Won’t I look like an idiot too!”

“Ah! I’ll make sure that doesn’t happen!”

“How are you going to do that? Even if you tell them not to, won’t the kids think weird things! I’m supposed to, what, play the role of someone who likes him? Me? To Go Yohan? You think I won’t be mentioned? Who’s always mentioned together with Go Yohan, it’s me! You’re just running your mouth… What are you going to do!”

“Hey! You ungrateful bastard who doesn’t know a good thing when he sees it. Huh? Don’t you know I stopped you from becoming Go Yohan’s official something-or-other! Shit, huh? If you saw my achievements, you should have caught on. I’m really good, you know? I’ve been running my mouth all this time, so you think the kids won’t trust me? I have more credibility than Go Yohan, you know? Go Yohan is nothing. He’s really got a lot of shit piled up, so the kids have a lot of complaints. And if you keep doing that, you’ll ruin your life in an instant. You need to cut ties quickly.”

Kim Min-ho grabbed my shoulder and became quiet for a moment. He was checking for sounds around us. As soon as he realized it was quiet, he continued speaking.

“And if you contribute to this, if you show that you’re on my side, Kim Min-ho’s side, not Go Yohan’s, your false accusation will be completely cleared. I’m sure of it. Look at Park Dong-cheol, that bastard. He used to be in Han Jun-woo’s gang. But look at him now. He’s the one who badmouths Han Jun-woo the most. He’s pretending he’s not, and he’s slipped away. No, no, there was someone even worse than Park Dong-cheol. That’s right, you did that too. You’ve already done it once. You can just dump Go Yohan, that pervert, like you dumped Han Jun-woo, right? What’s so damn sensitive about it?”

If we were to decide victory by the volume of our voices, I could never beat Kim Min-ho. This was a talent determined from the beginning. There was a weighty power in Kim Min-ho’s voice. Whether it was positive or negative, when a harsh tone, a heavy voice, and a terribly loud volume were combined, one couldn’t help but feel intimidated.

“I guess so.”

“What, you little punk? What do you mean?”

Saying that I was a good guy, that Kang Jun was kind, were all just lip service. It wasn’t kindness, it was necessity. I was chosen because I could play a role that perfectly fit that bastard’s scenario. Of course, it’s not that I don’t understand Kim Min-ho’s situation. To a bastard who had already witnessed Han Jun-woo’s miserable downfall from the sidelines, how attractive would ‘Kang Jun’ and ‘Go Yohan’ have seemed as performers?

“You’re going to spread rumors that Go Yohan is gay to the whole world, and then this time you’re going to destroy Go Yohan. Just like Go Yohan did to Han Jun-woo? Okay, fine. And the cleanup is my responsibility, right? Hospital bills or settlement money. That’s why you made this offer to me.”

“That’s right! You son of a bitch. Let’s divide our roles and fight. Do you understand now?”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“Shit, finally? Crazy, I thought I was going to die of frustration. What the adults say is so true. Your study smarts and your real-world smarts are different. You’re good at studying, but why doesn’t this kind of brain work for you?”

I guess so. I often realize that my brain isn’t very sharp. But at least I don’t deserve to hear that from Kim Min-ho. I was already in a bad mood, and the fact that the one putting me down was a complete moron made my words, which were usually sarcastic, come out more sharply than usual.

“No, I meant I understand that it’s a plan that’s only good for you.”

“Ah! Ah! Aaaaaah! Aaaah! Hey! I’m angry! I’m pissed! You brain-dead bastard!”

“If my brain was dead, I would have been happy and excited as soon as I heard you. But that’s not the case.”

“Only good for me? Hey, I’m a little scared to fight Go Yohan too. That bastard fights really well, you know. He’s a natural brawler, you know? You, you. You probably don’t know because he’s pretending to be innocent, but you have to see him fight. It’s really dirty. But the fact that he always wins is really frustrating. Still, I’m only fighting because I think I can handle it. That bastard is just big-boned, but I weigh more, so I can crush him in terms of weight class.”

I squinted and looked at Kim Min-ho coldly. Muscle pig Kim Min-ho. Originally, if you have a lot of fat, muscles grow in proportion to the fat to support that weight. Kim Min-ho was exactly that case. Moreover, he was tall, so he boasted an overwhelming heaviness. His confidence wasn’t just for show.

“It’s all about weight and getting the first hit. I have a plan. And it’s good for you too, you bastard. How long are you going to live while being wary of Go Yohan? If you keep sticking around him, you’ll just become a slut. It doesn’t matter whether your ass becomes a real slut or not, you know?”

Kim Min-ho smiled bitterly.

“Think carefully. Uh-huh-? If I open my mouth, you’ll just become a guy who’s stuck in Go Yohan’s dick, whether it’s on the bed or somewhere else. Huh? Just become Go Yohan’s Ejaculate receptacle.”

“…Hey, Kim Min-ho.”

“Honestly, would Han Tae-san have done it with that bastard? Would that even fit inside? But the kids aren’t curious. So my, my excuse? No, not an excuse. Protection? Protection…? No… persuasion? Explanation? Ah, shit! Anyway, that’s not going to last forever, you know? You have to make your, your, attitude? Yeah. You have to make your attitude clear. I don’t know what I’ll do if I get pissed off either.”

“……”

“If that happens, you know you’re really, really screwed. Huh? You know your school life will be ruined? You really want that? You want to live like Han Tae-san?”

Kim Min-ho subtly belittles and threatens me. He’s acting like it’s a great threat, which is ridiculous.

“If I just open my mouth wrong, you’re done, you bastard.”

But the fact that the threat is subtly working also makes me miserable. I want to ignore it, but unfortunately, Kang Jun desperately needs protection. The truth coming out is too scary. I hid my trembling fingers behind my back and tried to act calm.

“…When are you going to do it.”

“Ah, as expected of Kang Jun. Smart, huh?”

“Don’t talk long, I’m asking when you’re going to do it!”

“Uh. It’s better to get it over with as soon as possible. Don’t you think? First of all, surprise is important.”

Kim Min-ho frowned as if he was trying to be considerate. At that, I set up the last guard line. He said he made a plan? No, this bastard is just copying what Go Yohan did. There’s no proper plan. That’s what happens when you’re a dumbass. I lightly sneered.

“Get it over with quickly, are you out of your mind?”

“Shit, look at the way you talk. Don’t spout nonsense when you don’t know anything. Shit, what do you know? You’re just a bookworm. You have to do it when they least expect it.”

“You should think deeply about it. Our vacation isn’t far away.”

“Vacation? Why is vacation suddenly coming out of nowhere?”

“The vacation is in a few days, so which is more important to the kids, Go Yohan or the vacation?”

Of course, Kang Jun in the second grade might have thought it was the former. But Kang Jun in the third grade knows. Experience has slapped the back of my head every time. I thought that people were as passionate about ‘amazing high school students’ as I was. But if you take a step back and watch, Go Yohan was no different from Han Tae-san. It took too much suffering to realize that.

There are various people in the world, and within that world, Go Yohan is an unimportant stranger.

“Of course it’s Go Yohan.”

But Kim Min-ho, who has lived in the sweet world that Go Yohan created, doesn’t know. He was just looking at the world with buttonhole-like eyes. I couldn’t help but scoff.

“Really arrogant guys only learn after being bullied once.”

“What? What are you going to get?”

“Hey, hit Go Yohan right before vacation. Hit him and say you won. And go into vacation. Do you know what that means? He won’t come to school. Then what will the kids think?”

“Go Yohan lost to Kim Min-ho?”

“They won’t. Where’s the time to think? They have to study. You were like that too. Even bastards who don’t study like you are acting like they’re going to study during the last summer vacation of their third year. Do you think they’ll be interested in Go Yohan, who they can’t even see? Sometimes when you meet kids from the same school, you just say, ‘Hey, there’s a gay guy at our school. And that gay guy got beat up.’ And that’s the end of it. You? You’ll just be buried. After all, Go Yohan is the main character, and who cares what happens to Go Yohan after that? They just spread the word that he was gay. If it’s talked about so loosely, all that’s left is indifference. Everyone’s just crazy about the college entrance exam and forgets everything.”

“Uh, uh, is that so?”

“If you’re going to hit him, hit him after the vacation. Come back after studying hard for the college entrance exam during the vacation, and then Go Yohan explodes. Wouldn’t that be thrilling? Moreover, you see his face every day. Every change in Go Yohan is news and entertainment. If he just goes into the men’s restroom and blinks, all sorts of words will be attached and amplified.”

“Uh, oh… oh oh….”

It wasn’t a great plan, it was just something I said to buy time as it came to mind, but Kim Min-ho nodded with shining eyes. That’s a relief. I grabbed my uniform with my fingers hidden behind my back and opened my mouth again.

“The end of the college entrance exam is full of guys who give up on studying. It’s especially true a hundred days before. The only thing they talk about at school is the college entrance exam, so what about the guys who gave up on the college entrance exam? They’ll be bored. Then an incident explodes. The words will spread to the level of a novel. Timing is more important than surprise.”

Because Go Yohan was hit first by Han Jun-woo. But he won, right? Go Yohan timed it well. Watching Kim Min-ho, who was making stupid exclamations while listening to me, I suddenly realized.

Just like with Hong Hwi-jun, I learned a lot of useless things from Go Yohan.