9 – Pleasant Lies

My meaninglessly washed hands brushed against the thoroughly dried towel. Unable to wipe them completely, the remaining moisture on my fingertips dripped onto the sink. I blankly stared at the traces before leaving the bathroom. I returned straight to the room, where Go Yohan was lying on the sofa, tapping his stomach with his index finger. He wasn’t listening to music, nor was he looking at his phone.

As I opened the door, Go Yohan slowly turned his head towards me.

“See? You got lost, just like I said, right?”

“What are you talking about? I wasn’t that late.”

Go Yohan clicked his tongue and shook his head. The fine strands of Go Yohan’s hair, pressed down by the sofa, shifted this way and that with his movements. I could have told Go Yohan, ‘I saw your family eating without you,’ but I didn’t bother mentioning what I had seen. At least, that’s what I would have wanted if I were him. I headed straight for my bag. It was something I had planned in the bathroom.

“What are you doing?”

Go Yohan asked. I turned my head to look at Go Yohan once before taking out a chocolate bar from the front pocket of my bag, which I had packed in the morning.

“I’m a little bored, so I’m going to have a snack.”

“Are you hungry?”

At the mention of being hungry, Go Yohan abruptly raised himself halfway up. His questioning face was unusually serious. I guessed that his expression was one of worry. A worried expression that I might go downstairs and ask him to eat. I shook my head from side to side.

“No. I’m just bored.”

“What’s being bored?”

“Don’t you ever get that feeling? When you’re not hungry, but you feel like you want to chew on something.”

“Oh. That makes sense. I think I’ve felt like that before.”

“Right? That’s exactly how I feel right now.”

I tore off the end of the chocolate bar and walked over to Go Yohan. The chocolate bar, which I had packed as a substitute for breakfast, was thicker than I thought. I held the bottom of the wrapper with my hand and pushed it up slightly. The thick bar slowly emerged from the torn wrapper. I took a bite of the end.

Honestly, it’s delicious. I tend to like most sweet desserts. And there’s no way Auntie would have bought a brand with a flavor I dislike. However, I frowned as I tasted the fragrant sweetness filling my mouth.

“Ugh. Why does it taste like this?”

“What? Is it bad?”

I licked the remaining sweet taste in my mouth with my tongue. I furrowed my brow and nodded.

“Give it here. What is it?”

Go Yohan reached out his hand. His long fingers wiggled in front of me. I smacked my lips and placed the half-eaten chocolate bar on his hand. Go Yohan held the chocolate bar right in front of his eyes and read the name.

“Hey. Just take one bite. It’s got nuts in it. I really hate that kind of stuff.”

Go Yohan, who had been strangely persistent in reading the label, closed his mouth. Go Yohan slowly peeled off the wrapper and stared silently at the part I had bitten. That action offended me. Is he saying he doesn’t like it because my mouth touched it? He used to steal my school lunch all the time. Why is he suddenly acting so clean?

“If it bothers you, turn it around and eat the other way.”

I said, pretending to turn my hand. However, Go Yohan ignored my words and took a big bite out of the part I had bitten. Then why did he stare at it? My mouth involuntarily twitched crookedly. Go Yohan, seeing my expression, seemed to misunderstand and hesitated before answering, looking at my face.

“Why? It’s good.”

I’m grateful if he says that.

“Really? Then you eat it all. I can’t eat it.”

I started this one-man show to give it to you from the beginning.

And Go Yohan finally ate dinner at 9 PM. This time, Go Yohan served himself the food directly. I didn’t say anything about it, nor did I help him. All I did was go into the kitchen and hover around Go Yohan, and follow Go Yohan to get the utensils and put them on the table. That was all.

In addition, I said something that could be considered a compliment.

“You’re more self-sufficient than I thought.”

Go Yohan looked at me as he opened the pot lid. He had a look on his face that said, ‘What nonsense are you talking about?’ I shrugged nonchalantly.

“I don’t even know how to make a fried egg.”

“Hey. You’re really a young master.”

“I don’t think so. There are probably a lot of kids like me, even among those who don’t have money.”

It’s not like people with a lot of money always spoil their children. An example of that is right in front of me.

“I bet more than half the kids in our class have never even been in the kitchen. They only know how to make ramen.”

Go Yohan bit on the chopsticks he was holding neatly. I added.

“It’s an all-boys school, after all.”

Go Yohan didn’t particularly refute my words. I didn’t have anything more to say either, so I looked at the food in the pot. There was the food that the family had eaten for dinner earlier. It had been full in the ceramic bowl back then, but now it was in the pot as it had been first cooked.

“I’ll enjoy the meal.”

“Okay.”

I wonder. Did Go Yohan voluntarily skip dinner today, or was he forced to? Is it always like this? Or was it because of me, a variable, that Go Yohan was able to eat dinner so late today?

But even if I thought about it, there would be no answer, and there was no one to tell me the correct answer. I soon stopped thinking.

After finishing the meal, Go Yohan once again put all sorts of dishes into the pot and carried it to the kitchen. However, unlike before, I picked up the remaining dishes and followed him into the kitchen. I asked, puzzled, as Go Yohan opened the drawer and put the dishes in without washing them.

“Does Auntie wash them for you if you put them in there?”

Go Yohan’s hand stopped abruptly. Go Yohan, who had been kneeling down, looked up at me. He had a look on his face that said, ‘I’ve seen all kinds of crazy people.’ Did I, did I say something wrong? I felt embarrassed for no reason.

“Why, why?”

“If someone were to draw a stereotypical rich, only son who’s annoying, wouldn’t your portrait come out?”

“What?”

“I think it would be the same.”

Go Yohan let out a hollow laugh. It was only a few minutes later that I realized that the drawer I had seen was not a drawer at all, but a dishwasher. There was such a thing as a dishwasher in the world. I realized that fact on my own and was embarrassed on my own. Go Yohan’s ridicule at my appearance was a bonus.

A little after 10 PM, I received a call from my parents. My parents made a fuss and said they would call their secretary in Korea to bring the key. “Son, I’m sorry. Just wait 30 minutes.” With those words, the call ended, and soon after, I received a call from an unknown number. It was probably my parents’ secretary.

The secretary, who introduced himself, said he would call me when he arrived in front of the house and hung up.

“They said they’ll come to open the door in 30 minutes.”

“Is your house the Blue House or something?”

Go Yohan sneered.

“It’s so hard to get into your house.”

I live alone in that big house. That’s why my parents are so thorough with security. I would have said that without thinking anything of it normally, but saying it now felt like I was bragging, so I just shut my mouth.

Before 30 minutes had even passed, the phone rang. I answered the phone and immediately packed my bag. As I prepared to leave with my bag, Go Yohan’s gaze followed me.

“Why?”

“Are you leaving now?”

“I have to. Of course.”

“You said you were going to sleep over.”

Go Yohan’s brusque voice brushed against my ear.

“You’re such a liar.”

“You’re better at lying. Who was the one who said they didn’t want me here in the first place?”

You didn’t want me here in the first place.

I retorted a little sharply, annoyed by his accusatory tone. Go Yohan listened to my words, then opened his mouth once before saying.

“I have nothing to say if you put it that way.”

I guess he really didn’t want me to sleep over at his house. It felt like I had been confirmed. However, I didn’t feel bad because I thought I knew roughly why Go Yohan didn’t want me to sleep over.

“I’m leaving.”

“I’ll go with you. I’ll open the door for you.”

Go Yohan slowly got up. I stood still, waiting with Go Yohan’s door open. Only a small light was on in the second-floor hallway. Overall, this mansion was quite dark. Silence filled the air as I left the hallway and went down the stairs. It was a silence that made me feel embarrassed to even make footsteps. I also watched myself and muffled the sound of my footsteps.

Go Yohan had to open the front door. It was definitely a similar door lock everywhere, but when I thought about it, I had never opened someone else’s door in one go. Go Yohan bent slightly and reached out his hand so that it barely brushed over my shoulder. The breeze caused by Go Yohan brushed against my ear.

“Go.”

The door opened. Go Yohan turned his body to the side to make it easier for me to leave, and even held the door so it wouldn’t close. Go Yohan is so kind sometimes. I took a breath as I adjusted my bag. The cold night air stimulated my mucous membranes. The smell of rain-soaked asphalt was subtly present in the air.

“The rain has almost stopped.”

“It has.”

When I spread out my palm, I felt a cold moisture, but it was very slight. At this point, I could go home without an umbrella. Suddenly, I turned my body, which had been leaving the entrance, and looked up at Go Yohan. Go Yohan, who was holding the doorknob, looked down at me.

“Thank you so much for today.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Go Yohan added those words with a straight face, as if it were natural.

“I’ll repay you.”

“Okay. Then let’s see each other tomorrow morning.”

It’s just a headache to argue with Go Yohan’s words. Since when, I’ve been just agreeing with Go Yohan’s words rather than arguing with them. It was because of Go Yohan’s way of talking, which only made my head hurt if I thought too deeply.

I waved my hand. Go Yohan just waved the back of his hand in the air once without answering my greeting. He has no affection. Really. His greeting is perfunctory. I guess that’s what I am to him. I don’t expect anything. I put the hand I was waving into my coat pocket. I took a step and went down the front steps. White steam leaked out of my mouth little by little each time I exhaled. Suddenly, I thought of Go Yohan again. I stopped the steps I was about to take and turned around again.

I thought he had already closed the door and gone inside. Go Yohan was still standing there looking at me.

As I moved away for a moment, the huge mansion behind Go Yohan came into view. The mansion with the lights off. Go Yohan wearing a thin T-shirt. My heart feels strange. This house is Go Yohan’s house, but it feels like I’m leaving him behind.

I sniffed my cold nose once. Sniff.

“Go Yohan.”

I called Go Yohan softly. Go Yohan didn’t hear me and didn’t react. I changed direction and approached Go Yohan. I didn’t go up the front steps, though. I only went right before going up. I looked up at Go Yohan’s face, which was now higher.

“If you want me to sleep over…”

“Yeah?”

“If you want me to sleep over, you can sleep at my house.”

I couldn’t just leave him behind.

It’s pity if it’s pity. I don’t know why Go Yohan is being alienated at home, but it bothered me that the target was Go Yohan. I don’t care if other guys are ignored or bullied at home. But Go Yohan is different.

Go Yohan smiled awkwardly, a little surprised by my words.

“…What?”

Strange. I felt a thrill at that expression. What kind of feeling is this? I think it’s a feeling like conquest or possessiveness? Like the first footprint on pure white snow. That’s it.

Go Yohan making an awkward expression. Since I met Go Yohan, I experienced a bizarre feeling that was rising for the first time. I felt a little proud of the expression I had never seen before.

“There’s no one at my house. Auntie quit. I’m always alone.”

So I added one more word. Now Go Yohan’s face was dyed with embarrassment.

Actually, I was a little excited. I felt like I had beaten Go Yohan. The embarrassed Go Yohan was quite sweet. Go Yohan opened his mouth slightly and blinked his eyelids. Go Yohan’s long eyelashes bumped up and down. Finally, Go Yohan laughed as if he was amused. Steam burst out of Go Yohan’s wide-open mouth. It was with a clear laugh.

“Are you seducing me right now?”

If it were normal, I would have been horrified and said no. I would have racked my brains to death. But today was different. I must have been drunk on the winter night. Or maybe I was drunk on Go Yohan’s misfortune.

“Yeah. I guess so.”

I also smiled clearly. A joyful laugh popped out willingly.

“Then I’ll see you later. Yohan.”

Only after saying those words was I able to leave the dark mansion completely without looking back. When I opened the door, I saw the male secretary who had parked the car and was waiting for me. As soon as he saw me, the secretary unlocked the gate with the key. The secretary went back only after opening the door and checking that I was going in. I went into the house and said thank you and sorry.

My steps into the house were light. A song came out of my mouth on its own.

Maybe I was drunk on Go Yohan’s misfortune. I feel sorry for Go Yohan. I feel sorry for me, who likes men, but I also feel sorry for Go Yohan, who is no different from being abandoned by his parents. I didn’t enjoy misfortune. But I was happy that I wasn’t the only one who was unhappy.

Go Yohan, who lives in that high position, is also so unhappy. The stain on my life plan seemed less annoying. And to be caught by me of all people. It’s a pity. Yeah, everyone has a misfortune they want to hide. So tonight, I reached out a hand of salvation to Go Yohan.

If Go Yohan takes my hand today, I was willing to pull Go Yohan out of that abyss. Just as Go Yohan dragged the demon Han Jun-woo to hell for me, I decided to save Go Yohan too.

I sat on the big sofa in the empty living room, waiting for my lamb.

The doorbell rang. I trembled and got up from my seat. I hurriedly checked the intercom and saw Go Yohan with a bag in the small screen. I couldn’t even change my shoes and ran out into the garden wearing slippers.

What I saw as soon as I opened the gate was Go Yohan in a crooked posture. Go Yohan, with a sports bag on his shoulder, his hands in his pockets, and his head tilted, smiled with one corner of his mouth raised. It’s still a smile that looks like a sneer.

“I came to be seduced.”

“……”

“Are you going to make me ramen?”

Go Yohan said something out of the blue and laughed playfully. I frowned. And I thought about what kind of ramen was in the warehouse.

“Did you get permission from your parents to come?”

“Did you get permission from your parents to come?”

I heard a voice mocking my words. Go Yohan mimicked my tone even more like a model student and giggled. I stopped the hand that was opening the door and glared at Go Yohan. But Go Yohan is not a person who would care about my eyes.

“So what.”

Go Yohan nodded slightly and smiled with his eyes.

“When did I say that?”

“Even if you didn’t say it like that, it sounds like that.”

Is my tone really like that of a model student? I can’t believe it. My brow furrows on its own.

“Is my tone really like that?”

“Yeah. It is.”

“You’re annoying. Really.”

Hahaha. I heard a clear laugh. Go Yohan laughs more clearly than I thought when he doesn’t sneer. I gave that clear laugh two choices.

“Are you going to sleep in my room or in the guest room?”

“Hmm.”

Go Yohan strokes his chin with his finger. The big, long mouth on his chin curves upward. With a serious face, Go Yohan answered.

“I guess I have to go to your room after all?”

“……But there’s only one bed in my room.”

“Hey. Isn’t that obvious? Who has two beds in their room?”

Go Yohan’s eyebrows arched. I sighed for no reason, saying, “Oh.” I wondered if I should have given him two choices. But Go Yohan’s gag was strangely to my taste, so I tried to hide the laughter that was about to burst out.

“Hey. I can see you laughing.”

Damn it. I got caught.

That morning, I woke up with Go Yohan. I took out a toothbrush that I had prepared for guests, Go Yohan brought his school uniform on his own, and a lunch box that my parents had ordered was delivered. I also received a call saying that they would have someone put side dishes in the refrigerator from lunch today, so I shouldn’t worry and eat them. The message my parents sent flickered on the phone screen.

「What about the rice, I don’t want my son to eat cold rice. Sorry for the time being, son.」

As time passed, the screen was once again dyed black. Go Yohan was reflected in that black screen. On the way to school, I asked Go Yohan.

“Do you know how to cook rice?”

“Rice?”

“Yeah. Well, it’s okay to use a pressure rice cooker.”

“Yeah. I know how?”

Cooking Go Yohan. Just imagining it was a comedy in itself. The imagination continued, and Go Yohan in an apron appeared before my eyes. I burst out laughing, and Go Yohan laughed along without even knowing what was so funny. Is he laughing because he knows I’m teasing him? I didn’t explain why I was laughing and just let Go Yohan laugh.

I should send a message to my parents when I get to school. That I’m okay. That I can cook for myself.

And while my parents were choosing a housekeeper, Go Yohan settled into our house.

It was just once. Just once, on the way home from school, I said, “Do you want to eat at my house?” But after that, Go Yohan never seemed to want to leave. Strangely enough, Go Yohan’s belongings kept piling up in my room. Now, Go Yohan’s clothes are even hanging separately in my room’s dressing room. Since his house is close, it seems he just brings them over openly. I felt a strange feeling about this bizarre cohabitation. So I casually asked Go Yohan once.

“Aren’t you going home?”

The answer to my question was Go Yohan’s teasing.

“Where would I go? I have to cook for you.”

“…Ah, right.”

After that, I was too embarrassed to ask.

Go Yohan’s jokes are a bit much. Every night, I kick Go Yohan, who crawls into my bed. Seeing him sitting on the floor with a sulky face made my lower abdomen heat up, but the reason I kicked Go Yohan was because of these sexual changes, so I acted even colder. Thanks to that, Go Yohan mostly slept on the sofa in my room.

And that’s how I found out that Go Yohan sleeps like a log. He doesn’t snore, doesn’t grind his teeth, and doesn’t toss and turn much. Sometimes, when I woke up early in the morning after a light sleep, I would see Go Yohan sleeping. Sleeping Go Yohan looked like a vampire from a movie.

One morning, I said, “You look like a vampire,” and Go Yohan replied nonchalantly while chewing his food.

“Maybe it’s because my great-grandmother was Romanian.”

He says things seriously that I can’t tell if they’re true or false, and I can’t even verify them. There’s no change in his expression. Even if I asked if it was true, I wouldn’t be able to tell if the answer was true or false, so I didn’t even ask for the truth.

Even in Go Yohan’s constant lies and jokes, there is comfort.

Surprisingly, Go Yohan even knew how to use the washing machine. Since the new Auntie would wash everything at once anyway, I had been piling up my worn clothes in the laundry basket, but when Go Yohan saw it, he suddenly looked for the washing machine’s instruction manual.

Our house doesn’t throw away instruction manuals. Even if the live-in Auntie who used to work here quit, we kept them piled up in the storage room so the next live-in Auntie could read them and use them right away. Go Yohan found it. He acted like a child who could survive on his own. Go Yohan did.

“Jun-i, you’re really hopeless when it comes to taking care of yourself. You’re such a piece of garbage that you can’t even sort the recycling.”

“Shut up.”

I was embarrassed by his playful teasing, so I retorted a little strongly.

“What would you have done without me?”

“……”

Go Yohan, who had even rolled up his sleeves and was pressing various buttons, successfully started the washing machine. Instead of helping Go Yohan, I was lusting after his white dress shirt and long forearms, the taut wrinkles of the fabric around his stomach that his pants couldn’t contain, and his clearly visible neck.

I’m just a horny bastard after all. Abstinent Kang Jun. That’s ridiculous. What abstinent person makes a snack out of his friend?

What makes it even harder for me is Go Yohan, of course.

“Jun-ah.”

“Huh?”

Lately, the contact with Go Yohan has become more intense. The most surprising time was when Go Yohan was taking pictures of the laundry he had done. I was capturing evidence to prevent my parents’ unnecessary meddling, when Go Yohan suddenly appeared from behind and slowly massaged my forearm. The hot heat of Go Yohan touched my cold skin.

“W-what? What’s wrong?”

The heat rose from my toes to my navel all at once. Flustered, I quickly pulled away, and Go Yohan just smiled and walked past as if nothing had happened.

School life was also uneventful. Han Jun-woo still didn’t show up at school. All I saw was him waiting for Han Tae-san at the school gate from time to time. It was pathetic how he stubbornly waited for Han Tae-san even though the whole school was glancing at him as they passed by. To be honest, it was idiotic. He really lives only looking ahead without thinking. Isn’t he scared of the whispering glances he gets?

On the other hand, Han Tae-san went to school quietly. Judging by the fact that he sometimes skipped the last period or didn’t go to the school gate after class, he seemed to be trying hard to avoid Han Jun-woo in his own way. Since then, Han Tae-san hasn’t spoken to me or Go Yohan.

“Ah……”

“Huh.”

Damn it. This kind of thing happens often when you’re in the same class. Like almost bumping into each other at the door. I quickly changed to a smiling face and opened my mouth.

“Hello, good morning.”

Thankfully, when I greeted him, Han Tae-san would just pass by without answering first.

Nevertheless, every time we ran into each other by chance, Han Tae-san would blush and look grateful without fail. Or he would look at me wistfully as if he had something to say, but then give up and close his mouth. I didn’t bother to pay attention.

Lee Seok-hyun, Kim Min-ho, Kim Seok-min, Park Dong-cheol, and the other losers of life who were a hindrance to my studies weren’t even seen near the school anymore. Occasionally, trivial words or pictures would be uploaded in group messages. Lee Seok-hyun and Kim Seok-min seemed to have gone on a trip to nearby Japan, and Kim Min-ho scolded them, calling them bourgeois. A trip to Japan is bourgeois? The standard for bourgeois is really low.

The only obstacle in my school life now is Go Yohan. Cell phone and cohabitation. The carrot and stick that Go Yohan gave me. My vacation, which I had been weighing in between, was over. It was a short and fleeting winter vacation.

And,

“……Damn it.”

As Go Yohan wished, he and I were in the same class. I secretly clenched my fist when I saw the class assignments posted on the wall. My wish was miserably shattered.

Class 1 of the 3rd grade. Surprisingly, only the two of us were in the same class within Go Yohan’s group.

Could God really be on Go Yohan’s side? There’s no way this kind of luck could happen otherwise. Han Tae-san and even Han Jun-woo, including Go Yohan’s friends who were called ‘losers of life,’ were all separated. Fortunately, Han Tae-san barely made it into the middle class. Go Yohan and I were assigned to the very first class, and the rest were assigned to the very back. Along with that, the buildings were even divided into the West Wing and East Wing.

The Homeroom Teacher was the same as well. Whether he hated being in charge of the 3rd grade so much, the Homeroom Teacher grumbled from the morning assembly, saying, “I’m doing it because I’m the youngest and a new teacher.” But his expression was bright. He glanced around the class and smiled, showing his teeth.

And for good reason. Strangely, there were no troublemakers in Class 1 of the 3rd grade. It was full of kids who were known to have good grades in each class.

Seeing that situation, only one thought comes to mind.

“Did they just put all the top students in here?”

That’s what I heard somewhere. I agreed and looked around.

What turned my suspicion into certainty was what the Korean Language Teacher said when he came in for class, being tight-lipped and half-hearted about everything, which put the final nail in the coffin of my certainty.

“As expected, the air is different in the Elite Class. I want to teach only Class 1 and Class 2 for the rest of my life.”

An Jisu went to Class 2. And the third-ranked student in the entire school sat at the very front of the teacher’s desk in our class. I realized that Class 1 and Class 2 were alternating the top students in the entire school. Based on the final exam, too. I don’t know how the other classes distributed the students, but the distribution method for Class 1 and Class 2 was blatant. The classes other than Class 1 and Class 2 were cards to be discarded altogether. At least within this school.

I turned my head and looked at Go Yohan. Go Yohan always sat in the very back. He was so tall and had such broad shoulders that he would block the view even if he sat in the middle. Not only that, but his legs were long and his arms were long, so he stood out even with the slightest movement. In contrast, I, who was a little taller than average, got a middle seat.

Go Yohan pressed the end of a pen against his long neck. Go Yohan with a pen, Go Yohan studying.

The challenge, Go Yohan.

In the end, Go Yohan surpassed Han Tae-san’s grades. Well, it was only natural. Even though Han Tae-san was 7th and Go Yohan was 9th on the first semester final exam, disaster struck Han Tae-san in the second semester. On the other hand, Go Yohan was outwardly uneventful.

On the day that classes started after the vacation, the new live-in Auntie finally came. She looked to be in her late 30s. The new Auntie, who looked younger than I thought, was a bit formal. Unlike the previous Auntie, who was concerned about every fluctuation in my mood, the new Auntie went back to her quarters after finishing her assigned tasks.

Thanks to that, Go Yohan’s place to lie down became even wider. Not that he was the type to care so much about others in the first place. But he must have told my parents. Even though I didn’t say anything, my parents knew that Go Yohan was coming to our house. They casually asked me about it over the phone the other day.

-I heard that President Go’s son comes to our house often?

I had only said that he was a friend from next door, but Go Yohan’s Father was mentioned. I was secretly resentful of my parents for not telling me that the Go family lived next door.

“Yes. It turns out he’s a classmate. We became friends by chance.”

-Oh my goodness. That’s great!

It was a completely different atmosphere from when it was Han Jun-woo. I could hear a bright laugh from the other side of the receiver.

-Oh my, just like my son. He picks good kids to be friends with. No, I’m a little worried about our son. Other kids rebel and do things when they’re left alone, but our son doesn’t even know how to have fun. What’s he going to do when he goes out into society later?

Those are words she doesn’t mean. There was affection in the words blaming me. A sneer formed on its own. I know, right? What’s he going to do when he goes out into society? It would be a relief if it was just rebelling. My mother’s son is gay who gets a hard-on whenever he sees a handsome man. It’s not just rebelling, it’s almost treason.

After listening to a speech full of boasting about her son, I went into my room. Go Yohan, who I thought would be in the room, wasn’t there. I moved my feet to find traces of Go Yohan. I could hear water running in the bathroom attached to my room. He must be showering. I turned my feet and headed to the room with the bed. I was lying there, playing with my phone, when a bell rang from somewhere.

I raised my uncomfortable body and looked around. The phone on the edge of the bed was flashing. It’s Go Yohan’s.

‘Father’

The screen showing the recipient turned off. At the same time, previous records appeared. 9 missed calls. All ‘Father.’ I was about to check for a moment when the bell rang again. I guess I should answer at least this much. The 10th consecutive call is ominous. Especially if the caller is your parents, it usually causes something bad. I got out of bed and went to the front of the bathroom.

“Yohan.”

I knocked, but there was no response. I knocked again, but only the sound of falling water answered me. My hand was already on the doorknob, but I couldn’t bring myself to open it. Because I know the sight that will be revealed if I open the door. I’m not confident that I’ll be okay if I see Go Yohan’s naked body. Kang Jun is a subtle Lecher.

In the end, I decided to answer. That would be better. I, who had been trained by Han Jun-woo, had an amazing talent for making excuses. After the 10th missed call ended, the 11th bell rang again. I went back to the room, took a breath, and answered the phone.

“Hello……”

-You son of a bitch. Where are you wandering around? What kind of trouble are you trying to cause again? Do you know how much I’ve lost face with President Han because of what you did?

What? Right now?

I was so taken aback by the absurd words that I took my ear away and looked at the screen again. I wondered if I had misread the name. But the voice definitely belonged to ‘Father.’ I recalled the polite middle-aged man I had met before. The gentle authority figure instantly became a vulgar gentleman. At least that was my impression.

Is that something you say to your son? Especially so abruptly. Does that mean Go Yohan has been living with these words every time? I had never experienced it and couldn’t understand it.

“Um……”

What’s wrong with Go Yohan? Go Yohan is smart, quick-witted, always engages in light mischief, and has a subtly kind side. At least that’s what I think. Even when I hated Go Yohan, I thought Go Yohan was better than Han Jun-woo more than once or twice. So I finally opened my mouth. Honestly, I think I got a little angry.

“I’m sorry…… I’m Jun, Yohan’s friend. Kang Jun. Yohan’s classmate.”

Silence. And more silence. The call was full of silence. He must be embarrassed. A gentleman who swore at his son’s friend. He must feel like his true colors have been revealed.

“Do you remember? We met at the church that time……”

-Oh, it’s you.

I heard a flustered middle-aged voice. Well, he would be. He suddenly swore, but the person who heard it wasn’t his son but the son of the family next door.

“I’m sorry.”

I offered an apology on my own accord, listening with satisfaction to the sound of his breathing becoming faster. This much teasing is appropriate for an adult I can’t deal with. Just a cheeky little kid’s prank. Just enough to make him unable to think badly of his son because he’ll be too embarrassed to bear it when he thinks about it before going to bed.

“Actually, Yohan is at our house right now. It turns out we’re neighbors. So I asked him to come over first.”

-……Is that so?

“Well, my parents aren’t in Korea for a while. And the Auntie quit, so I was alone at home, and the weather has been scary lately, so I begged Yohan to see if we could just live together. So he had no choice but to be with me. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable. I thought it would be okay since our houses are close…… I’m really sorry……”

I unnecessarily brought up my parents here. I even pretended to be pitiful and begged. That’s why it’s never bad to have well-off parents. I’m telling you to be mindful. There’s no more uncomfortable position than scolding someone else’s child who isn’t easy to deal with.

-No.

I heard a sound of inhaling on the other side of the receiver.

-I’m sorry. My second son is such a troublemaker that I got angry, thinking he had caused some kind of accident, but it’s become awkward. You must have been suddenly surprised, are you okay?

“I’m okay. Sons are all like that.”

-Not all of them are.

I just casually agreed, but a denial came back. That’s even more uncomfortable. At least Han Jun-woo’s Father had some hope for his son. But Go Yohan’s Father doesn’t. Even if he’s a mess, Han Jun-woo is more of a mess. Go Yohan’s Father was too cold to Go Yohan. My throat felt stuffy for no reason at that empty paternal love. I subtly stroked my neck.

-So, that guy is at your house.

“……Yes.”

-Then send him back quickly. He’s causing you trouble.

Send him back home? A midwinter, a house with the lights off, Go Yohan in a T-shirt, thin shoulder blades. All those elements made me feel sorry for Go Yohan. Then I feel like I’m abandoning him.

“Oh. No. It’s okay. It’s lonely when I’m alone, but it’s nice to have him with me. It wasn’t a nuisance. We studied together, too. Oh, do you know that Yohan’s grades went up? He even got into the honor roll this time.”

-Is that so?

Could he not have known? Can he be this indifferent? I frowned. Does he even have the qualifications to be a parent? I desperately listed good things about Go Yohan.

“He’s been dropping all his delinquent friends lately and only studying. His English grades are at the top of the school. I sometimes ask Yohan about English.”

I’ve never asked. But I said it anyway.

“So that’s why I asked him to stay at our house to study together these days. The midterm exams are coming up soon, and I thought it would be better to focus. It’s more motivating to have a rival at home.”

There’s still no answer. The silence made me anxious.

“And Yohan said he doesn’t go to academies, and he can’t concentrate because of his family……”

Lies lead to more lies. Go Yohan never said that. But I chose the answers that adults like to hear the most and believe the easiest. Then the silence was broken.

-Has Yohan ever done anything strange to you?

“Anything strange?”

-Never mind.

What kind of strange things? I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask.

-Still, it seems like he’s being reformed a bit by being with an excellent kid like you.

Reformed, the choice of words is really strange.

-Then stay with him and send him back. I hope you’ll contact me right away if anything strange happens. Could you possibly send me your contact information to this number?

“Ah. Yes, of course. I’ll send it to you in a text message.”

-Okay.

I hesitated for a moment before bringing up the words that Go Yohan’s Father would like the most. Reformation, nuisance, not that kind of thing, using strange words towards his own son like ‘you little brat’, it seemed like he thought his son wasn’t normal. I don’t know what’s normal if Go Yohan isn’t, but I played along for now.

“Sir, I don’t know if I should be saying this, but Yohan is a better kid than you think. I don’t know what happened, but whatever it is, I’ll definitely bring him back to normal, as his friend.”

After I finished speaking, I heard a small chuckle.

-I really like that.

With those words, the call abruptly ended. It was a truly anticlimactic ending. Go Yohan’s phone returned to the lock screen. I turned the black screen back on. The fingerprint I had already saved easily unlocked it. I was about to subtly check the contacts, but I stopped. If Father told Yohan that he had received my number, it would be revealed that I had unlocked Yohan’s phone. It would be better to get the number later with Yohan’s permission.

As I was about to turn off the screen again, I suddenly looked at the bathroom door attached to my room. The door was still firmly closed. Go Yohan’s absence. The sound of water dripping from the showerhead. At that moment, a thought flashed through my mind. Could this be my chance? The moment I had been waiting for so long. I had a hunch that the time had come.

“…….”

I swallowed once and stared at the bathroom door. It was still quiet. I turned my gaze and quickly went into the photo album.

“……There it is.”

I quickly touched the top of the screen to return to the first photo and slowly scrolled down. Contrary to what I thought, Go Yohan’s photo album was barren. There wasn’t even a single selfie. All there was were photos of the sunset sky, a cat I took while walking down the street, and a fire hydrant that I didn’t even know why he took.

“No, that’s not it.”

That’s not what I was looking for. The mechanical sound I clearly heard at dawn. Go Yohan who lives next door. My head was filled with suspicion. But no matter how much I scrolled up the screen, I couldn’t see the photos from dawn. Then, I accidentally saw a familiar body.

A familiar school uniform between a photo of a messy bed with unknown intentions and a blurry landscape photo. The face I see in the mirror every day wearing that school uniform. Kang Jun eating ice cream on the stadium stairs was smiling in Go Yohan’s photo.

“…….”

Huh, why am I here?

My hands trembled. Judging by the angle, it’s not head-on. It means he took it secretly. Was it the third year of middle school? I could see the shoes I received from my parents for my birthday and threw away when I entered the second year of high school. So, I’m in the first grade in the photo. The ice cream I’m eating was my favorite Green tea flavor ice cream.

With uncontrollably trembling hands, I turned to the next screen. The classroom floor. Blue roadside trees. And the cafeteria. Feeling something strange, I zoomed in on the photo a little. In the center of the photo, there was a picture of me smiling with my chin resting on my hand. My fingertips turn pale. I waved my hand over the screen several times before I could turn the photo.

Boiled eggs. A photo of a screen with a cat crawling. Green tea flavor ice cream. Green tea flavor ice cream being eaten with a spoon. Stick-type Green tea flavor ice cream. A poorly taken dandelion. Chocolate. The school incinerator. And a back view of me sorting garbage at the incinerator. A familiar back view.

“What, what is this…….”

I looked at the shoes. The shoes I wore when I was a first-year high school student. After that, the first-year me popped out in everyday photos. The gaze is always from afar. Often, I was hidden in ordinary everyday photos. If you zoom in, I’m always in it.

My hair in the photo got shorter. It’s me in the late first year leaning against the hallway window. That’s when I cut my hair short. I’m chewing on a chocolate bread. There are two or three similar photos. It seems like he took them in a row. And the fire hydrant. I turned the photo with trembling hands.

“What, what are all these…….”

A photo of going home from school. Judging by the location, it’s the West Wing 3rd floor. I can see the bag. It’s definitely the bag I threw away. That was probably before the start of the second semester of the second year. It’s me. And after that, my photos didn’t appear.

The next photos that appear. Bricks. Manholes. Bicycle. Clouds. And the figure of dawn. My hand stopped abruptly. A familiar street. A familiar road. A familiar gate. And me. In front of my house. And the back of me.

I felt a tightness in my solar plexus. It was hard to breathe. My head was hot, and my body was so cold that it was chilly to the tips of my fingers. My hands started to tremble so much that it was now visible to the naked eye.

I hurriedly turned off the photo album. I even made a few false gestures. I pressed the volume instead of the power button. My head was full of questions. Why? There is a set answer, but the probability of that answer being drawn is so close to zero that I shook my head. A tingling sensation rose from my toes. Fireworks exploded in my knees. A stinging sensation pierced my lower abdomen.

Whether it would be poison or medicine to me. I couldn’t even guess.

As I desperately racked my brain, I heard the sound of the door opening. I also heard the sound of wet feet stepping on the floor. I slowly turned my head. It felt like my neck was creaking. In my field of vision, I saw a body wearing a moisture-soaked T-shirt. The wrinkles of the white clothes flowing along the muscles stood out. Go Yohan walked towards me, shaking his wet hair with a towel. Black hair fluttered heavily between the pure white towels.

“What are you doing?”

Forgetting to answer, I quietly, quietly looked at Go Yohan’s face. Long eyes, thin pupils, high nose, a cold and fierce-looking face, but on the contrary, a gentle low voice. The thin pupils rolled and touched my hand. The low voice becomes quieter.

“……What are you looking at right now?”

I looked at the phone in my hand in the same way. Go Yohan’s secret neatly placed between trembling hands. I have to quickly tell him that Father called, that your Father asked for my number.

Long legs slowly approached. I saw the training pants that didn’t completely cover Go Yohan’s legs. I could see the ankles with protruding bones. Unusually long fingers slowly stretched out. A hand warmed by the shower touched my hand. Go Yohan’s hand snatched the phone from me. Long fingers pressed the record. Of course, what would be visible would be the photo album, and the photos I was looking at would be revealed.

“Uh…….”

“…….”

I slowly raised my head and made eye contact with Go Yohan. The bright light coming from the screen illuminated Go Yohan’s cold face.

Hiccup.

I just quietly hiccuped in that spot with a flushed face. A curtain fell over Go Yohan’s eyes. Dark, quiet, and despairing. His body shrinks.

“……No.”

Hiccup. Hiccup. My body heaved on the bed. And Go Yohan screamed for a moment.

“No. No. No. It’s not. It’s not! No. No. No. No! No! No!”

Go Yohan held the phone he was holding tightly. It was so pale that no blood was flowing through it. Go Yohan’s cold face was also drained of blood. A flustered Go Yohan. A frightened Go Yohan. A pale Go Yohan. It’s all Go Yohan that I’m seeing for the first time. Eventually, Go Yohan threw the phone on the floor and stomped on it with his feet.

“No. No! It’s not. No! No! No!”

“Hey, why, why are you doing this?”

What should I do in this situation? I’ve never experienced anything like this before. The only thing I can feel is that Go Yohan is scared and that I can’t leave Go Yohan like that. I was always weak to the people I loved, and Go Yohan was the person I had a crush on.

“Th-there, there must have been something I shouldn’t have seen.”

It’s such a ridiculous lie. Even in this situation, I even thought that saying, “It’s okay. I didn’t see anything,” would make it obvious that I saw it. What kind of stupid strategy is this? It’s already too late. But I kept acting shamelessly. It might work on Go Yohan, who can’t think properly right now.

“I just answered because your Father called. Your Father was looking for you.”

It was after I finished speaking that Go Yohan abruptly stopped shouting ‘No’ as if screaming.

“When I hung up the phone, the screen unlocked…… I was flustered and pressed something, did something go wrong?”

The sound of heavy breathing fills the room. Go Yohan quietly looked back and forth between me and the phone. Did it work? I forgot that my hiccups had stopped and smiled slightly. It was a fake smile to reassure Go Yohan.

Go Yohan makes an awkward face. I think it worked. I looked around at the returning atmosphere. But Go Yohan suddenly reached out and took my phone.

“Wh-what are you doing?”

Go Yohan stopped after playing with his thumb a few times. Only then did I suddenly remember my password. 2580. I haven’t changed it even once since I bought the phone. It wasn’t just me. Go Yohan was intentionally remembering my password. I just stared blankly at the process.

And he looks at me. The bell rings on Go Yohan’s phone. Go Yohan slowly answered the phone while looking at me. Then, he hung up the phone on my phone and looked at the screen of his quiet phone. It’s desperate. The screen was locked. Go Yohan raised his head and looked at me again. In the deep darkness, Go Yohan’s only shining light. Go Yohan’s empty face reflected in it met me.

“It’s not unlocking?”

I got goosebumps for no reason on that face. I didn’t know he would check it to that extent. My hands were sweaty. I wiped my wet hands on my thighs without even realizing it. Now there’s no way to avoid it. My legs are shaking and I’m losing strength. I can’t even stand. In the end, I chose the direct approach. It was the last choice I really didn’t want to make.

“You.”

I moistened my dry lips. Words don’t come out. The words that were stuck in my vocal cords and circling around crawled up my esophagus. Should I say it? Or shouldn’t I? Did I make the right choice? Or not? Thousands of conflicts arose in my head. What finally won was my last choice.

“Are you gay?”

Go Yohan’s breath stopped.

He pointed at me with a trembling hand. It was still felt that he was trembling even with the naked eye. Go Yohan’s face, looking at the direction of my finger, gradually turned pale. Go Yohan’s hand holding the phone also began to shake violently. Soon everything plummeted to the floor. Crash. I heard the sound of the screen breaking. I finally asked in a trembling voice.

“Don’t tell me, do you like me?”

“No.”

“……Liar, I saw everything. The photos in your photo album.”

I tried to speak as normally as possible. I know all your feelings. Honestly, it’s strange to secretly take pictures of a classmate for a year. Especially when we weren’t even close in the first year. The eyes that met strangely. Go Yohan, who especially hated gays. A Father who ignored his son. Go Yohan, alienated from his family. Everything is clear.

Go Yohan’s pupils shake when he sees my confident face. And the words Go Yohan spat out were words I never expected.

“You’re the same.”

Go Yohan sneered. The subtly raised corners of his mouth were strangely relaxed. Or is he pretending to be relaxed? A criticism. What good would it do for me to criticize Go Yohan?

“Don’t even think about acting shamelessly. I know everything. You know it too because you saw the photo album.”

Go Yohan’s trembling lips stretched thinly. Go Yohan’s gaze always came down from above. I recalled the figure of dawn I last saw in Go Yohan’s photo album. I was soaked in unbearable powerlessness and shame, and I momentarily closed my eyes tightly and bit my lip.

In the end, Go Yohan was the witness of dawn.

I let out a silent sigh and opened my eyes. I can’t make excuses. Go Yohan has the evidence. I’ve just become a dropout waiting for the verdict. Go Yohan twisted his pale lips. It was a pathetic sneer. I didn’t burst into tears or beg Go Yohan. I silently watched the strange smile at the end of his lips.

“Actually, I’ve been thinking about it to some extent since before. Since last fall? Or not. Was it the end of summer? It’s been a while. I’m pretty quick on the uptake, right? But I was still unsure, but I became sure a few months ago.”

It’s a bluff. Go Yohan was now squeezing out his last bit of stubbornness and attacking me. That attack wasn’t to harm me, but to defend himself.

“……What.”

That was strange. I clenched my sweaty fists even tighter. Go Yohan, like me, had a weakness in his hands. It’s a memory that’s so embarrassing that I want to die. I didn’t want to show that it was a weakness, so I glared even harder. Because of that, my eyes became so dry that tears almost came out. All the words Go Yohan said flashed through my head like a movie.

The day after I was first hit by Han Jun-woo, Go Yohan suddenly came to my house. And the words he said to me. At that time, the words he said in a strange atmosphere.

‘I’ll keep it a secret.’

I get goosebumps. This bastard. He definitely knew everything when he said that. He knew everything and blabbered it to me. But why is he so afraid? While holding my weakness. Go Yohan stopped spewing out words and breathed roughly. He seemed to be hesitating about something.

What on earth is he trying to say? I bit my lip. Finally, Go Yohan’s lips parted with a very slight hesitation. I let out a breath and waited for the final notice.

“You like Han Jun-woo?”

What?

The conclusion was a ridiculous notice. My gaze, which had been glaring at Go Yohan, instantly distorted. At the same time, a stupid tone of voice popped out without me realizing it.

“No?”

“Liar.”

“I said no?”

“No? What do you mean no, you son of a bitch!”

Go Yohan screamed and threw the phone he was holding in his other hand. The thin machine bounced off the floor and hit the drawer. Go Yohan, who finally covered his face with both hands, grabbed his bangs. Go Yohan’s body, which momentarily lost its balance because he lowered his head, staggered slightly.

“You do, you like Han Jun-woo!”

I was startled by the loud noise and frowned slightly, and I was busy judging what this situation was. Why the hell would I like that loser? I’m just annoyed that I’m even involved. I answered with a feeling full of annoyance.

“I said no, I said no! I really don’t!”

Go Yohan raised his head at my words. But the expression on his face was a sneer.

“You’re kidding me. Then what’s with writing Han Jun-woo’s name on the Post-it note back then?”

“What Post-it note…… Wait.”

I stopped talking. Post-it note. Don’t tell me, that Post-it note that I scribbled Han Jun-woo’s name on, accidentally wrote Go Yohan’s name on, and threw away in embarrassment. That paper. And Go Yohan, who surprised me by writing some trivial words on that same paper.

Damn Go Yohan. You saw it, didn’t you!

“Don’t tell me, you picked that up? Then did you deliberately write that cod roe Gangjeong or whatever on my Post-it note? Did you do that to test me?”

“Don’t think about stalling and answer my question. I know you’re racking your brain to death.”

“You crazy bastard. I was going to write that I hate Han Jun-woo, but I stopped.”

Ha. Go Yohan’s sneer fills the air. He looks at me with a face that says, ‘You’re really good at making things up.’ I also laughed at that face. And I tapped my chest with my palm. It means I’m frustrated to death. Go Yohan, who saw my actions, asked without erasing his sneer.

“Then what did you scribble out in a hurry?”

“That’s…….”

It’s your name.

But I couldn’t bring myself to say those words, so I closed my mouth. Go Yohan made an even stronger sneer at my silence. As soon as I saw that face that didn’t believe me, I wanted to blurt out the truth, but reason suppressed me. Should I just say it like this? What kind of expression would Go Yohan make then? As I recalled the events after I said it, a strange anticipation heightened me. But that’s a microscopic happy ending.

“…….”

How could I choose a future I didn’t know would happen for just a moment of pleasure? I could never do that, even if I died. After a long deliberation, I decided to hand over a small card and end this situation. For the sake of a macro-level happy ending. Now that I’d been caught, it was better to admit it than to stubbornly insist otherwise.

And Go Yohan looking at me with such suspicion was a little annoying. I ran my fingers over my forehead. Was the direction I chose really the right one? The hesitation was short.

“Okay. I’ll be honest. It seems like you already know.”

I took a low breath for a moment and continued.

“Yeah. It’s as you think. I liked Han Jun-woo.”

“…Haha.”

Go Yohan gave a strange laugh. A terribly distorted laugh. The embarrassed Go Yohan lost the veil that hid him and revealed all his expressions. In his crumpled face, I saw Go Yohan’s frustration. That expression tightened my lower abdomen. My legs were numb.

“Listen carefully. I liked him. Not like.”

At my words, Go Yohan slowly raised his head. His slender eyes shone strangely.

“It’s the past. Would you like a stupid bastard who beat you to death without thinking about the future?”

“……”

Why don’t you answer? Go Yohan was seriously thinking about that again. Go Yohan, who had been narrowing his brow and thinking, finally answered.

“I think I could.”

“……”

What the hell is this guy?

“Then, I’ll change my words. Would you stand by and watch the person you like fall like that? So no. No. I understand you have such thoughts. But the me you’re thinking of…”

My mouth stopped on its own. If I hesitated here, I’d only arouse suspicion. My mouth closed as if by instinct. Really? Is it okay to just let the situation pass like this? A desire deep in my heart whispered.

This could be a golden opportunity. When do you think you’ll ever get a chance like this in your life? Think about it. The same daily life as when you liked Han Jun-woo will begin. But not Go Yohan. If not now, there may never be a moment to tell the truth. Won’t you regret it? I gave strength to my mouth, which wouldn’t open. I pulled my hand and gripped the end of my sleeve tightly.

Yeah. I’m rational. I’m afraid of breaking away from an ordinary life.

“I’m not that kind of person. I don’t… like men. Han Jun-woo was just an admiration. As you may have noticed, I’m a snob. Look how I lost interest after Han Jun-woo fell. Isn’t that right?”

I wanted to die for the stupidity of letting the opportunity slip through my fingers. But I think this is the answer for me. I had to think so. That’s my path. Because it’s a safe shortcut. I, who had uttered a desperate resolve, held my head high and looked at Go Yohan. But Go Yohan always does things beyond my expectations.

Go Yohan was grinning. And he sat gently next to me.

The soft mattress rippled. The movement containing Go Yohan’s weight touched my body. And Go Yohan slightly raised his chin. The pale Go Yohan disappeared.

The arrogant Go Yohan spoke again with a brazen expression.

“Same as me, I don’t like you either.”

“……What?”

“I’m a bit of a snob too. I favor kids who are good at studying.”

Bullshit. I barely managed to hold back the curse that was about to come out of my mouth. What is this son of a bitch saying now?

“Really? That’s good. Then I can be friends with An Jisu now.”

“No. Why would I? She’s second in the whole school. You’re first in the whole school. Isn’t that right?”

“……Then what about all those pictures of me packed in your photo album?”

“Ah. That? I liked it. Past tense. Admiration. You know? I’m such a snob.”

Son of a bitch. I gripped the blanket fiercely. Go Yohan made exactly the same excuse as me. If I refute this, I’ll be refuting what I said. It’s annoying to be so smart at times like this. Damn it.

“Okay. Then everything’s been sorted out well.”

Yeah. But the situation isn’t bad. I can just let it pass like this. We can pretend nothing happened. But my chest is tight and my eyes are hot. I was on the verge of tears.

I feel sad. He acts like he has no lingering feelings for me. I’m so upset and I hate it. And if I end it like this, we won’t even be able to be friends. We can’t go back to the way we were before.

“……”

“……”

The result was made by reason, but the lingering feelings I haven’t let go of yet dominate my head. I hate Go Yohan. But if Go Yohan shows lingering feelings here, it’ll be troublesome. Go Yohan is doing well now. But I don’t know why I feel like I’m acting like a child. Is it because it’s the first time someone has said they like me? Is it because the fact that the person I liked likes me is like a miracle?

Yeah. That’s it. Because something that could never happen in my life has happened, I’m the one being stubborn. Let’s stop. I kept my eyes on the blanket, afraid that if I raised my head, I would be caught glaring at Go Yohan and even feeling resentful.

“Then now, delete all the pictures of me in that photo album.”

“……Huh?”

Go Yohan’s voice was stiff. My heart flips again at that voice. I raised my head again and looked at Go Yohan. Then Go Yohan avoided my gaze. The guy who had been looking at the floor with a guilty face glanced at me and asked.

“……Why?”

“It’s obvious. And it’s unfair. I don’t have any weaknesses about you, but it’s strange that you secretly took pictures of me and even have them. Delete them. And I want to check if there are any backup files. I want you to show me your computer this time. Right now.”

“That’s not possible.”

The brazen mask disappears again like cotton candy that has touched water. Go Yohan’s words began to tremble.

“I’ll delete the pictures. And there’s nothing on the computer.”

“Then show me.”

“I swear. I promise on God. The pictures here are all there is. Anyway, Father checks my computer every time, so there’s nothing to see.”

Go Yohan’s hasty excuses are suspicious. It’s like a clumsy lie that comes out just as he thought. The blanket gets tangled between my fingers.

“What. Why does your Father check your computer?”

Come to think of it, it was strange. The treatment Go Yohan received. Reformation. Go Yohan, who strangely doesn’t even know Catholic prayers properly but is obsessed with religion. Fragments of memory flashed by. And finally, the piece shone.

“……You, you got caught.”

Go Yohan used the Bible as a whip. No, let me rephrase that. Go Yohan’s Father used the Bible as a whip.

“You’re gay, you got caught by your family.”

Go Yohan’s eyes sink again. He acts like someone lost in deep thought. It was the first time I saw him with a face that was desperately contemplating something. I might have felt sympathy for that face. Go Yohan was the most difficult problem in my life, so I might have been worried about him.

I gave the right answer, but I might have gone crazy because Go Yohan changed that right answer to the wrong answer. Still, my genes end up choosing the predetermined crossroads.

“That’s right, isn’t it…?”

Even if I think about it again, I really resemble my parents. I’m devoted to the person I love, but I also commit selfish acts for my future. Sorrow and vigilance, lingering feelings and ambition for success, mixed selfish emotions and a future plan without the military. Thousands of incomprehensible emotions pricked my toes like needles.

A mere eighteen-year-old’s illness suffered on the bed.

The only first crime committed by me, who was only eighteen years old.

“Shall I help you?”

I betrayed God with a moment’s greed. That’s what eighteen is like. No matter how much I deny it, I was also a rash eighteen-year-old. The sweetness I tasted once tickled me.

Go Yohan’s sunken eyes slowly light up. Ah, he found the answer.

“Huh? Should you?”

Go Yohan’s finger gently pressed on my fingernail. His long hand climbed along the line of my finger and groped the bone between the back of my hand and my finger. Past tense, admiration, my ass. I didn’t take away my smile. Go Yohan scanned my face with a heavy gaze. The end of it touched my mouth. Go Yohan said.

“How?”

My finger tapped Go Yohan’s finger joint. Go Yohan’s finger slowly rubbed the flesh connecting his finger and finger. I didn’t take my hand away.

“First… make your parents trust you.”

“Yeah, and?”

Go Yohan isn’t stupid. He probably understands exactly what situation this is. His dense eyelashes were half-closed. Go Yohan’s head slowly came down. His hot breath touched my lips. I quietly looked down at the lips approaching me.

“……”

Just slightly, the end of his upper lip was about to touch mine. The hot breaths were already intertwined, tickling each other’s lips. I realized for the first time that lips could be pressed by breath. A ticklish sensation touched my upper lip. It was the moment I was about to cross the irreversible river. I quickly pulled my head back and covered my lips with the back of my hand. The end of my hidden lips didn’t come down.

“What are you doing?”

“Huh?”

“What were you trying to do just now?”

“……Uh. That’s.”

Deficiency filled Go Yohan’s eyes, who had missed his target.

“That’s……”

Go Yohan looked away and shifted his gaze to the air, then looked at my hand covering my lips. Although I couldn’t see it, it felt like a heavy liquid called regret was dripping from Go Yohan’s eyes. Go Yohan, with a slightly flushed face, raised his hand and slowly grabbed my wrist. And he pressed down with force. I desperately resisted, afraid that my smile would be discovered.

“Jun-ah.”

His hand coming down was coercive, but the voice calling me was like a dog trying to get permission. Because of this duality, Go Yohan is difficult, and difficult again. He gave up trying to force my hand down, and buried his face in my palm. Go Yohan’s breath was about to touch the center of my palm. I hurriedly pushed Go Yohan’s head away with the hand that wasn’t covering my mouth. Thud, it sounded.

“……What are you doing, really.”

Go Yohan’s wet hair, pushed by my hand, shook in the air, and he quietly looked at me with slender eyes, his head slightly tilted. He doesn’t seem to be in a good mood. Go Yohan’s thin hair covered his cool eyes. He’s a coward, but he’s greedy. It’s absurd.

“Go Yohan.”

I looked at Go Yohan and said leisurely and confidently.

“Delete the pictures of me in your phone.”

“……If I delete them?”

A heavy, damp voice shook my loins. I struggled to hide the laughter that was coming out on its own.

“If I tell you to delete them, delete them.”

What do you want, what more do you want? I laughed, muttering a joke that was half sincere inside.