By Zephyria 
I arrived home, put down my bag, and waited for the tutoring Teacher who would be arriving soon. I spent the remaining time studying alone. However, these days, I had been unusually chatting with my parents at home.
My Father and Mother, who were in the trading business, were usually away from home for about 300 days a year, but they had been staying at home ever since they returned a few days after Han Jun-woo was taken away. And when they saw me return home, my parents suddenly said this:
“Our son. I heard there was a violent incident in your class. Are you okay?”
Even though my parents went to work every day, they were quite well-informed about the stories happening around me, somehow picking up such information so quickly. Maybe they were in contact with other parents. I took off my shoes at the entrance and changed into slippers. As I walked down the hallway to enter the living room, my Mother followed closely beside me.
“Me? Yes. I’m fine.”
“No, that’s not what Mom means, it’s about your friend. Him.”
“Ah. Jun-woo……”
“Jun-woo?”
I could hear the TV. It was my Father. My Father was hard of hearing, so he turned up the volume of all electronic devices louder than others. He must have heard my Mother and my conversation, so he lowered the TV volume.
“Who is Jun-woo?”
“You know, that kid who was friends with Jun for a while. The one who was dark-skinned. Tall.”
“Have I ever seen such a kid?”
“Why, ‘that company’s’ son.”
“Ah.”
My Father’s expression turned sour.
“Yeah, I’ve seen him, but I don’t remember him well.”
“He has a dark complexion. And he’s tall.”
“Then that’s him. Right, right.”
“I heard he got hurt badly?”
“A little……. I went to visit him in the hospital a while ago……”
“Oh. Good job.”
Was it really a good job? His face looked uneasy, unlike his words.
“Do you still hang out with ‘him’ often?”
‘Him,’ I felt like the level of address was getting lower and lower.
“Just, you know……”
“Well, it’s good to be friendly with all your classmates……. Oh, right. Son. Is there anything you want to eat?”
“Not really. Why? What’s going on?”
“It’s not that. Mom trusts our son completely. I do trust you.”
“No, you have to say these things clearly. Son, don’t hang out with that friend too much. Dad’s worried.”
The TV volume was now turned all the way down, and only a faint whisper could be heard. My Father turned his body completely to face me and spoke.
“Is he going to study abroad or something? Is he preparing for the SAT?”
“I don’t know. He hasn’t said anything like that.”
“Then what is he even going to do? President Han’s son, I remember him being terrible at studying. He’s probably just out there causing trouble. Yeah. I never liked him. What do you lack that you have to hang out with him? I don’t want to see you being swayed by what that friend does.”
“That’s right. That’s what Dad’s saying. He used to call you out even in the early morning……. I heard it all from the cleaning lady. Mom trusted Jun and stayed still, but honestly, Mom thinks he must be looking down on you to do that.”
Could I believe it? The strength drained from my shoulders. The bag strap slipped off to one side. This surprising change bewildered me. Being caught going out late at night was one thing, but this level of anger towards Han Jun-woo was unexpected.
In fact, my parents neither liked nor disliked Han Jun-woo. That was largely due to Han Jun-woo’s background. But why this sudden change?
“Why are you suddenly like this? Did something happen?”
My Mother clenched her fists tightly and shouted,
“It’s upsetting and infuriating! I’m worried that our son will be looked down upon by other kids if he hangs out with someone like that!”
My Father cleared his throat, giving me a subtle look.
“Listen to your Mom. There’s no harm in listening to your Mom.”
Why did this sudden event occur? What did they hear about the incident that day, what words did they hear together that made them so angry? Anyway, whether it was good or bad, it was neither for me.
I readjusted the bag strap dangling from my arm. And I licked my lips once with my tongue.
“It’s okay. We’re not that close these days.”
Fortunately, my answer was right. A smile spread across their faces.
“Really? Is that so? Why suddenly? You used to be so close.”
“It just happened that way.”
Before my Mother could ask more, I quickly turned my body towards the stairs.
“Then I’ll go put my bag down.”
And I subtly released the arm that had been grabbed. As I climbed the stairs to my room, I pondered the words Go Yohan had said to me before I entered the house.
‘Han Jun-woo’s family is ruined. Completely.’
……Is it true?
Also, what I was curious about was why my parents were showing me this attitude. Even if the talk about Han Jun-woo was true, what did they mean by looking down on me? Had my parents been thinking that way about my relationship with Han Jun-woo all along? Or was that how someone who had told my parents the story had seen it?
“Damn it……”
As I pondered the constantly surging thoughts, I suddenly became angry and punched the wall hard with my fist. The wall absorbed the loud noise, making a weak sound. I felt even more frustrated. A tingling pain ran up my arm along the edge of my hand pressed against the wall. I took my hand off the wall, grabbed my sore hand with the other, and collapsed onto the bed.
“Embarrassing. Fucking. Shit!”
I spewed out curses that felt awkward because I didn’t use them often. I felt like I needed to shout like this to relieve my frustration. While lying face down on the bed, I punched the bed hard several times with my fist. Dust rose with the sound of the springs being compressed. I sat up and grabbed the cushion at the end of the bed. When I threw the cushion, it hit the armrest of the sofa and bounced far away. I grimaced and grabbed my hair.
Fuck.
In the end, I could only stop thrashing after banging the back of my head against the headboard of the bed. I took a deep breath. And I tried to breathe evenly to calm my rough breathing. And I remembered when Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan were messily entangled and fighting.
Around the time Go Yohan threw the chair, Han Jun-woo barely managed to avoid the chair that was plunging towards his face. But Go Yohan didn’t stop there. He grabbed a desk that had lost its partner and threw it at Han Jun-woo this time. The flying desk crashed into his back as he was trying to get up. Han Jun-woo fell face down with the desk, and Go Yohan immediately sat on top of the fallen Han Jun-woo and lightly placed his fist on his cheek.
‘One, two.’
And with a sound made by sticking his tongue to the roof of his mouth, he swung his fist like a carpenter. Bang, the sharp fist collided hard with his right cheek. The behavior was full of violence, but it looked very regular and neat on the outside. Moreover, Go Yohan wore a bizarre expression, as if he didn’t know whether he was grimacing in pain or laughing for some other reason. But to me, it seemed like he was willingly enjoying it.
And I saw it. Go Yohan picking up Han Jun-woo’s lighter that was rolling on the floor before hitting Han Jun-woo. Even at the moment Han Jun-woo was being beaten, the lighter was still in Go Yohan’s large hand. Perhaps that was why Han Jun-woo lost two teeth.
‘This slutty bastard has no respect for elders?’
This, slutty bastard…….
Go Yohan’s voice echoed in my head.
Suddenly, I stared silently at my right palm. Then I lightly clenched it.
I love myself so much. That’s why even though I loved Han Jun-woo, I didn’t confess. I chose my own safety over winning Han Jun-woo’s heart. The origin of my hope that my heart would disappear like sand scattered in the wind when I graduated from high school starts from worrying about myself.
I ignored Han Jun-woo because I loved myself more. I cannot tolerate myself not being loved by everyone. In the tug-of-war of my emotions, Han Jun-woo lost to me.
I buried my head in the bed again and screamed silently. And then, pretending nothing was wrong, I came down to the first floor again and had dinner with my family with a smiling face.
“Our son, eat a lot.”
“Yes.”
The screams I had made on the second floor were nowhere to be found, and there was only the calmness of having dinner with a loving family.
Although my parents were often away from home, I received more love than other ordinary children. It may have been overprotection, but I have no complaints about their way of loving me. Everything they gave me was abundant. Perhaps because they felt sorry for their son being left alone at home, they tried to do everything they could for me.
My parents’ blind love may have been passed down to me. I realized that fact because of Han Jun-woo. I become a blind person when I fall in love. However, if I think about my tendencies coldly, I have a personality that turns away mercilessly from those who torment me. Conversely, wouldn’t my parents be the same?
Therefore, I was never able to be cold to my parents, and I didn’t want to do anything that would make them hate me.
I still diligently went to school, winter was coming, and Han Tae-san’s face was gradually changing as cleanly as a snowy winter. However, there was no joy at all in the face where the traces of the wound were being erased.
Han Tae-san still steals glances at me, and I still pretend not to notice. Han Jun-woo still hasn’t come. The Homeroom Teacher I met in the faculty office told me about Han Jun-woo’s attendance days.
“I heard he’s all better, but it seems difficult for him to come because of family matters.”
I thought to myself, what does that have to do with me.
“That’s terrible.”
“Jun-woo’s family situation is also a factor……”
Looking at the worried Homeroom Teacher, I recalled what Go Yohan had said. It was really true. Before winter came, Han Jun-woo’s Father was arrested. It was exactly as Go Yohan had said. My Father, who was watching the news, muttered to himself that it had finally happened. There must have been circumstances that only adults knew.
The subtle ripple in the classroom had not been quelled since it had begun. That ripple was getting worse since Han Tae-san appeared. After Han Jun-woo’s downfall, the pyramid was shaking. The most noticeable change was that Go Yohan and his friends’ voices had become louder. Just like right now.
“Do you know the three most important things for a man?”
Kim Min-ho folded his fingers.
“Power. Money. And style.”
“You only have power. You pig bastard.”
Kim Seok-min playfully rebuked Kim Min-ho in a very loud voice.
“Do you want to be beaten like a dog on Dog Days? Huh. You want to get beaten?”
Since Han Jun-woo was given the humiliating label of ‘gay,’ Go Yohan’s group had been making loud noises, but they couldn’t be as brazen as they were now, taking up space in the lockers at the back of the classroom and talking so loudly that it disturbed self-study. This situation was clearly after ‘Go Yohan’s victory.’
“Hey, self-study time isn’t over yet. Be quiet!”
The Ethics Teacher shouted, banging on the desk with chalk, but Go Yohan’s group ignored him.
It’s the same as a dog pissing on its territory. Dirty and childish. But it’s a very effective method. That’s because Kim Min-ho and Kim Seok-min had more triumphant expressions than usual. Go Yohan, the main character of the incident, was quiet, though.
To be honest, Go Yohan wasn’t as good at being at the top as Han Jun-woo. As someone sitting in the highest place, he should have had some arrogance, but Go Yohan left his square cage alone. For that reason, this pyramid is bustling with checks and balances.
“Don’t disturb the kids’ studies!”
“Yes, I’m sorry.”
“Look at this bastard’s insincere apology.”
“Ah, shit. Was I caught?”
“Quiet, be quiet!”
“Yes.”
“Crazy, idiot. He’s scared.”
Kim Min-ho nudged Kim Seok-min, who was sitting next to him, and chuckled. Without paying any attention to the Ethics Teacher.
“Hey, do you want to die?”
In the end, the Ethics Teacher, pushed back by the loud Kim Min-ho and Kim Seok-min’s bluster, sighed and rubbed his head.
“Jun-ah, Teacher is going out for a while, so please take my textbook to the faculty office.”
Why me again.
He left the classroom after entrusting me with the shameless request to take his book to the desk in the faculty office. Damn it. As I slowly got up and headed to the teacher’s desk, Kim Min-ho said as he passed me.
“Anyway, he’s so nice that he’s treated like a pushover. By the Teachers.”
“Shut up.”
I glared at Kim Min-ho and warned him.
I, who couldn’t really rebel and couldn’t rebel, took the request and left for the faculty office, and was on my way back. It was then that I suddenly wanted to go to the bathroom.
The bathroom next to the faculty office is not actually a bathroom for faculty members. The faculty bathroom was next to the administration office, but its location was on the first floor, which was inconvenient for the second-grade teachers. The second-grade classrooms were on the top floor, the fourth floor. So, the second-grade teachers used the bathroom in the hallway connecting the West Wing and East Wing, that is, the closest bathroom to the faculty office, as if it were a faculty bathroom. For the same reason, there are hardly any students who use the bathroom near the faculty office. ‘Using the bathroom next to the faculty office’ is a privilege that exemplary students who have completed errands given by Teachers can enjoy.
Therefore, it was only natural that I preferred to use this place. I secretly confess. In fact, I still feel a little uncomfortable when I go to the men’s room. Since puberty, when I could feel sexual shame for myself.
It was the moment I was about to open the door.
“Shut up.”
I immediately stopped walking and held my breath. I heard a familiar voice from across the door.
“Did you see that bastard acting tough while doing that? He’s such a small bastard.”
“Crazy, you just imitated Kang Jun? It’s exactly the same.”
“That Kang Jun bastard. His actions are the epitome of slyness. He stuck to Han Jun-woo in the first grade, and when Han Jun-woo was pushed back by Yohan, he subtly stuck to Yohan. Isn’t he a total bat? And it’s embarrassing for me to see him showing off as if he’s doing well. Seriously, what’s there to like about that bastard? He looks weak and acts like he’s relying on his connections, doesn’t he seem like he’s acting crazy?”
“Eh. That’s not really true. Honestly, isn’t Kang Jun the top visual in our school? And he’s rich and studies well. That’s why Han Jun-woo protected him so much.”
“Did he protect him? He used him because he was useful. All the bastards who hung out with Han Jun-woo know something. Kang Jun was the one who cleaned up after Han Jun-woo.”
“But Yohan seems to like Kang Jun.”
“Stop nitpicking and shut your mouth. Seriously. Whose friend are you?”
“Well, Min-ho is my friend. Honestly, Kang Jun is just a kid who got in the middle of us playing. Are you happy now? Hey, what’s wrong. Hey. Are you sulking? Are you sulking?”
It was the voice I had been happily chatting with in the back of the classroom just an hour ago.
“Anyway, I really don’t like that bastard. He’s an opportunist.”
“Opportunist? You can use difficult words too?”
“Ah, seriously! Lee Seok-hyun! Stop interrupting me and focus on what I’m saying!”
“So, what are you going to do about Kang Jun that you don’t like? What are you going to do?”
“Actually, wasn’t it more fun when it was just us? Yohan, me, you, and Kim Seok-min. But suddenly Kang Jun and that pathetic bastard Park Dong-cheol joined in. Seriously, what is this.”
“Still, Park Dong-cheol is close to Seok-min. Seok-min has a face, so please be considerate.”
I could hear Kim Min-ho’s groaning voice from beyond the door. He seemed to be hesitating a little, but soon a loud objection popped out in a rough voice.
“Ah, I don’t like it! That bastard has no tact. No tact. Seok-min is so annoyed by Park Dong-cheol. He’s been milking it so much just because they were friends in middle school? Seok-min told me yesterday that Park Dong-cheol keeps following him around and it’s annoying. Park Dong-cheol should play with his own friends, why is he suddenly joining us…….”
“Well, Choi Dong-hwan and Hong Hwi-jun were completely dumped. They have no loyalty.”
“That’s right! I hate how obvious it is that they’re trying to be close to us.”
“Park Dong-cheol is really annoying. He’s not fun, and there’s nothing to gain from taking him around. I wish he would just fall off on his own, but I was so creeped out when he said he was going to follow me to the PC room yesterday. Can’t he see that we’re trying to play just among ourselves?”
“I told you, he’s totally clueless. I actually think Kang Jun should back off a bit too. Go Yohan is just nice, that’s why he puts up with Kang Jun. I can understand Park Dong-cheol being clueless, but that bastard definitely knows what’s up and still sticks around. Doesn’t that creep you out?”
Kim Min-ho’s heavy footsteps echoed through the bathroom as he moved, then faded as he walked out.
“Hey, aren’t you gonna wash your hands?”
“Didn’t get anything on ‘em, you little shit.”
“Ew, you dirty bastard.”
“I’m gonna smoke and wash my hands anyway, why do it twice? What a pain. It’s worse for your health. In that spirit, wanna go for a smoke break?”
“Sure. Incinerator.”
“Hey, wait. Aren’t you gonna wash?”
“I’ll do it later. Too much trouble.”
“Damn, you’re a loyal bastard.”
By the time their voices got close to the door, I was already hidden behind the opposite one. I heard the sound of two sets of feet hurrying down the stairs. I stepped out of the bathroom and nonchalantly went in to take care of what I originally came to do, thinking.
“Kim Min-ho and Lee Seok-hyun, huh? Guys who hate me.”
I wasn’t scared or worried. Just the usual pecking order battles that guys go through from March to May. Even if one or two drop out from the wide, solid base, nothing much happens. But the top floor is different. With Han Jun-woo’s spot, which had definitely existed on the top floor, becoming vacant, the pyramid shook and the pecking order battles started again. I just confirmed that fact for sure. And there was something else I confirmed.
Washing my hands at the sink, I looked at the mirror in front of me.
‘Did he take care of him? He just used him because he was useful. All the guys who hung out with Han Jun-woo know. Kang Jun was just there to clean up Han Jun-woo’s messes.’
God damn it.
I left the bathroom and went straight back to the classroom. As always, I took out my textbook for the next class. The sharp corner grazed my palm. Ouch. I looked at my palm, feeling a sudden sting. There was a scratch the shape of a fingernail on my palm, the skin underneath red and exposed. I clenched and unclenched my hand once. Then I sat down.
Just before class started, Kim Min-ho and Lee Seok-hyun came in, reeking of cigarette smoke. Kim Min-ho, rummaging through his locker at the back of the classroom, turned around and suddenly asked me.
“Kang Jun, Kang Jun. What’s the next class?”
“Next? Social Studies.”
“Shit, gonna be in dreamland again. Ah, when’s art? Art is seriously the best.”
“Art’s on Wednesday. But I heard it’s self-study then.”
“Really? For real? Ah, damn, that’s awesome.”
“Yeah. Awesome.” I nodded. And so, fourth period began.
The thin voice of the Social Studies Teacher fades into my thoughts. I stroked my chin with my fingers. Then I looked up at the thirty-odd backs of heads. Where do I rank in this group? In this square, that ridiculous number was sometimes more important than school grades.
Now, the number one spot is definitely Go Yohan. Before, Han Jun-woo and Go Yohan were called the two-headed chariot, but in reality, Han Jun-woo implicitly held a higher position than Go Yohan. Han Jun-woo, with his dark skin, was the very image of the so-called popular guy that men envied, while Go Yohan, who was somehow strange, was unpredictable and had a strangely bookish side.
I’ve never even been in that ranking. Kim Min-ho’s words weren’t wrong. The most important things were power, money, and an atmosphere you couldn’t ignore.
It was always like that. A guy with only power was treated like a futureless piece of trash, a guy with only money became a communal wallet, and a guy with only a pretty face was treated like a signboard. Like I was often subjected to, they were demeaned as having a cocky face.
To be coldly judged, the resources I have are high averages, not unique abilities. The reason I was able to get to that position was purely thanks to my quick wits and Han Jun-woo. Han Jun-woo’s close friend. Sometimes that one label was more useful than any ability.
But Han Jun-woo fell. Along with him, Hong Hwi-jun, Choi Dong-hwan, and Park Dong-cheol’s positions plummeted. And Kim Min-ho made it clear to me today that I couldn’t avoid that evaluation either. Nevertheless, I didn’t hit rock bottom like those three, and I wasn’t ignored. The reason was the same as before. It’s because I’m close to Go Yohan.
I turned my head and looked at Go Yohan sitting next to me. This guy started sitting next to me at some point, and now he’s settled in as if it’s his designated seat. He seemed to be concentrating on the lesson, unlike him, but if you looked closely, he was blinking his eyes slowly, as if he was sleepy. Seeing Go Yohan like that, the corners of my mouth gradually turned up. I propped my chin on my hand. I tapped my cheek with my finger.
Yeah, the most certain method is the most classic method. Like Kim Min-ho, who raises his voice at the back of the classroom to mark his territory.
I turned my head and looked forward.
“Ah, shit……”
Annoyingly, Han Tae-san turned his head and looked at me. He couldn’t have made it more obvious if he tried. As soon as his big eyes met mine, he pretended to look at his watch. What a joke. I could see the nape of his neck, covered thickly with long hair. There was a blue bruise between the collar of his uniform and his hair.
As soon as I saw the traces of violence, I felt disgusted and flipped through the textbook roughly. I relieved my stress with the sound of the paper turning as if it would tear. Good. I focused on the lesson again. The thin voice of the Social Studies Teacher gradually echoed loudly in my ears.
If there was one thing that hadn’t changed since the incident, it was lunchtime. Five minutes before the end of class, Kim Min-ho threw a crumpled note at Go Yohan. The note flew and fell on me. What luck. Why did I have to be the one to read it first?
I unfolded the note, pretending to be nonchalant.
If it had been before third period, I would have looked at the content without a second thought, but now it looked very unpleasant.
“……”
I handed the note to Go Yohan as it was, without crumpling it. Go Yohan read the paper and threw it on the floor as if he had no interest. A clear rejection. But Kim Min-ho, unable to give up, grabbed the door and shouted just before leaving the classroom.
“Go Yohan! Let’s go! Run!”
All Go Yohan gave Kim Min-ho was a middle finger.
“You run. You pig.”
Kim Min-ho, who was briefly speechless at Go Yohan’s answer, soon cursed and ran towards the cafeteria as if he was in a hurry. Park Dong-cheol hurriedly followed behind him.
“Hey! Wait for me! Ah, shit. I told these guys to wait for me, but they didn’t wait……”
And so, my and Go Yohan’s shared meals continued. There must have been similar days even before today. If Go Yohan had followed Kim Min-ho, I would have been eating alone. Or I might have become Park Dong-cheol, who followed behind them in a rush, looking pathetic, or I might have been secretly munching on bread in some corner. Above all, that was the most annoying thing. I never dreamed that I was heading for the bottom without me knowing.
Even after arriving at the cafeteria, I felt so proud of Go Yohan for not abandoning me that I put a large rolled omelet on Go Yohan’s tray.
“……?”
Go Yohan, who was drinking water, gestured with his eyes. His pupils went down to the rolled omelet once. Then it came up to me. I also gestured with my eyes. It was a bribe to get him to take my side. I stretched my lips out long and smiled. As if he knew something, he lowered his head to meet my gaze and mimicked my smile.
He roughly puts the cup down without cleaning up, knowing full well that water is dripping down under the table. It’s intentional. Go Yohan always acted as if he wanted to mess with someone. The spilled water soaked the floor.
I waited for the right moment. It was because I had a very good idea. It was an idea that I could only have because I was always watching the thirty-odd backs of heads. I was smarter than the average eighteen-year-old. No, at least I’m smarter than Kim Min-ho.
I waited for Kim Min-ho to voluntarily create a trap and walk into it himself.
For 24 days, Kim Min-ho made a lot of noise every day and often picked on Han Tae-san. Luckily, Han Tae-san kept his head down and didn’t cry, get angry, or refuse to come to school. He just didn’t say anything. I also gave Go Yohan one of the most delicious side dishes every day for 24 days. On the second day, Go Yohan seemed to be thinking about something, but after about two weeks, he just smiled and ate it.
And I moved on the 25th day. That was the day after I happened to meet An Jisu near the academy in the evening. Kim Min-ho was as noisy as ever, and he subtly harassed Han Tae-san just enough not to get caught. Han Tae-san did the same thing he had done before, raising his arms on the desk and burying his face in them.
The other kids in the class turned halfway around and looked at Han Tae-san and Kim Min-ho alternately. An Jisu was among them, and An Jisu, who met my eyes, sighed loudly as if to let everyone hear. She’s giving me a hint. It’s annoying, but it’s a sign that the time has finally come. That’s when I said.
“Min-ho, let’s stop now.”
I feel thirty-six pairs of eyes turning to me now. I also felt an unpleasant gaze along with the sound of the desk being pushed back with a squeak. It must be Han Tae-san. Disgust rises to my throat.
“Huh. Who just said something to me? Kang Jun? Wow. So solemn. So serious? Hey. Did you guys see Kang Jun scolding me? Ooh. So scary.”
“I’m not kidding.”
The atmosphere, which had soared with Kim Min-ho’s excited tone, hit the floor again. The smile disappeared from Kim Min-ho’s face as I became serious. Then, he suddenly threw the book he was holding hard. What a show-off. I glanced at Kim Min-ho’s face as I sat in my chair.
“What. You? Are you picking a fight with me with your status?”
“Let’s go outside and talk.”
I approached Kim Min-ho, grabbed his arm, and said quietly as if whispering. I didn’t try not to be heard. Rather, I wanted everyone to hear. Fortunately, Kim Min-ho moved as I wanted. Kim Min-ho, who raised his arm and shook off my hand, glared at me.
Ah. I’m glad he’s stupid.
“Let go. What did you just say? Did you just lecture me? Wow, shit. Did you scold me?”
“Kim Min-ho. I said let’s stop.”
“Kim Min-ho. I said let’s stop? Crazy, you’re so cool. A nobody is picking on me.”
“I said let’s go outside and talk.”
“I don’t want to. What are you gonna do? Shii-bal. What are you gonna do.”
“Can’t you see the atmosphere in the class right now? How long are you going to play that bullying game? A month should be enough. There’s a limit. The semester is almost over. If you want to play, you can play as much as you want during the vacation. What’s the point of making a fuss here again? First of all, let’s not cause a noisy disturbance in the classroom.”
I suppressed the patheticness that came out of me and pretended to be worried about the kids in the class.
“Shii-bal. Kang Jun is so good at pretending to be nice. Crazy, wow, I never knew this bastard was so nice! Who are you? Who the fuck are you to tell me what to do? You son of a bitch, if you were going to stand by and watch, then keep standing by and watching? Huh?”
“Haa.”
I sighed and stroked my forehead. Kim Min-ho seemed to see that attitude as hostility.
“Why. Does Han Tae-san make you itchy too? Oh, right. You were originally Han Jun-woo’s friend, right?”
He’s really low-class. I can see why Go Yohan ignores him. Kim Min-ho doesn’t know the limit.
“……”
But I never raised my voice.
Kim Min-ho must be as clueless as Park Dong-cheol. It’s two weeks before the final exam, and our school has as many rich students as it has poor students.
Kim Min-ho needed to know that the children from wealthy families suffer from academic pressure. That there is something more scary in their world than Kim Min-ho’s territory marking. Of course, poor Kim Min-ho wouldn’t know, but he didn’t know well. So he must have overlooked that a situation like right now could happen.
“Is he using the classroom alone?”
The first courageous word burst out from the front of the classroom. Someone couldn’t stand it anymore and said it.
The first time is difficult, but the second time is easy once you take the first step. I made the first cut, and someone less courageous than me made a sound. That’s An Jisu. Following An Jisu’s remarks, the words that followed like a dam burst poured out like a waterfall.
“Don’t be a nuisance and go out and talk.”
“I know, who’s ruining the atmosphere.”
“Guys! Let’s be quiet! Teacher’s coming.”
“Ah, Kim Min-ho has been showing off since the old days, is he having the time of his life? It’s so annoying.”
“Hey- guys. Let’s be quiet. Teacher’s coming-!”
Hong Hwi-jun was among the guys who were babbling, thinking this was the time. He was one of Han Jun-woo’s group, and now he’s a fallen bastard. Hong Hwi-jun criticized Kim Min-ho more harshly than the guys who studied moderately.
“That’s right.”
A low voice was stuck in my ear in the midst of the murmuring. It was the voice I heard right next to me. Go Yohan, at the end of my gaze, smiled. And he continued, pressing the tip of his thumb with his Canine Tooth as a habit.
“The kids are right. Min-ho. You went too far.”
“Hey, shit. Go Yohan. What’s wrong. Whose side are you on.”
“No, I- I see that the kids have a reason to be angry. Students shouldn’t ruin the class atmosphere.”
He smiles playfully with his thumb bitten. Looking at that smile, I felt a tight, happy, and proud feeling welling up inside me. I almost burst out laughing without realizing it. I’m glad Go Yohan is smart. What’s even more surprising is that Lee Seok-hyun sided with me and Go Yohan.
“Yeah. Hey. If you’re going to joke around, pay attention to the atmosphere.”
“What? Lee Seok-hyun, you son of a bitch-.”
Kim Min-ho’s face turned red and he puffed up. Just as he was about to shout out a loud curse, Go Yohan suddenly got up from his seat, went out into the hallway, and opened the door of the next class.
“Teacher! Kim Min-ho is making noise during self-study!”
It was truly absurd. The teacher who popped out of the next class was the gym teacher, who was known to be scary, and Go Yohan, shamelessly, pointed his finger at Kim Min-ho outside the classroom and said.
“It’s him. Him. He’s too loud. Please punish him quickly.”
The gym teacher seemed to have more pent-up feelings towards Kim Min-ho, who often skipped his class, than I thought. Judging by the fact that he dragged Kim Min-ho out without even looking at the situation. At the same time, he shouted that if they disturbed the learning atmosphere again, he would call their parents. The situation was concluded like that. Kim Min-ho, who was standing in the hallway looking out the window as the gym teacher told him to, glared at me.
Idiot. What are you going to do if you glare? I don’t care if Kim Min-ho hates me or not. The important thing is that the kids in the class will now ignore Kim Min-ho. The harvest was better than I thought. I never dreamed that Lee Seok-hyun would step up.
Then what about Go Yohan? In fact, I think I was implicitly sure that Go Yohan would help me. I felt that confidence for some reason. Why? My head was blissfully complicated. But I pretended that nothing had happened and quietly sat down and solved the problem book.
And unfortunately, my actions seemed to have made someone I really hate very happy. I met Han Tae-san while I was running errands during cleaning time. Han Tae-san hesitated for a long time before talking to me.
“……Thank you.”
I clicked my tongue inwardly as I watched him lower his head and peel off his fingernails.
“You’re welcome, I’m the one who’s sorry for not helping you sooner.”
“Ah, no…… Really, for me, really…… Thank you.”
“Don’t be too grateful. It’s not a big deal.”
Who did it for you? You just happened to get caught. Overconfidence. Ugh.
The peace showed no signs of ending. Even until the final exam was over. Han Jun-woo still hadn’t returned. But Kim Min-ho couldn’t make noise at the back of the class like usual.
In fact, he seems to have tried to change the class atmosphere a few times, but it all went to waste. Whenever Kim Min-ho tried to say something, he was always criticized. In fact, Hong Hwi-jun was the one who was excited to cut him down most of the time. Other than that, he was aware of the situation, so he couldn’t criticize Kim Min-ho more than he did that day.
Anyway, this criticism is only temporary, and it was obvious that Kim Min-ho would make a splendid comeback. It’s not easy to bring down Kim Min-ho, even though he was shaken for a while.
The teachers were thrilled. Seeing Kim Min-ho deflated, they seized the opportunity to nag.
“That’s right, Min-ho. You’re a senior now, so let’s get a good grip on things and pull yourself together.”
“Ah, what are you saying.”
“You know our school was selected as an excellent high school this time, right? This year is important. Don’t disturb the good students and get your act together, you brat.”
To put it bluntly, you’re a poor bum who can’t even study. Kim Min-ho pressed his lips tightly together and noisily took out his book, throwing it on the desk. The sound, which painfully struck the ears, drew attention to Kim Min-ho. Ah, seriously. He’s making his anger so obvious. I shook my head in disbelief, and Go Yohan straightened his back and smirked, saying,
“Kim Min-ho, don’t throw your book.”
“What, fuck.”
“Fuck?”
“……”
“……Did you just say fuck to me?”
“No, that’s not it……. Ah, hey. It was a joke. A joke. Why are you taking it so seriously? You crazy bastard.”
“Yohan, Min-ho. Both of you stop and be quiet!”
The teacher pounded the chalkboard with his fist, but Go Yohan, still with his back straight, continued to stare silently at Kim Min-ho. Kim Min-ho, sensing the atmosphere, became quiet again. Only then did Go Yohan turn his head to look at the teacher.
“What a funny bastard……”
I sneered, glaring at the defeated one who had shut his mouth. Live your whole life as low-class trash like that. Moron.
“What’s so funny?”
“Huh?”
Suddenly, a low, small voice whispered in my left ear. Instantly, the muscles in my left neck stung as if cut by a knife. Goosebumps rose on my left arm. My body, which should have been moving freely, felt stiff. In the midst of it, I fluttered and covered my mouth with my right hand. Did he hear?
“You look like you’re having a lot of fun.”
Glancing sideways, I saw Go Yohan still with his head close to my ear. Damn it, my head suddenly felt hot, and I avoided his gaze. On Go Yohan’s desk was a workbook, densely filled with lines, at least in the front. Looking closely, it was non-fiction. The muscles around my ears felt like they were drooping downwards.
“It’s nothing.”
“What is that nothing? Tell me too.”
The whisper reaching my ear grew more and more intimate. Now, his voice was full of playfulness. Strangely, I couldn’t answer right away. It was even more so because my mind had gone blank and I had missed Go Yohan’s voice. I furrowed one eyebrow. This doesn’t feel good. This really doesn’t feel good. A slender finger touched the rim of my ear. I suddenly flinched and subtly looked around.
“It’s really nothing.”
“What is nothing?”
“I just laughed because I found something funny.”
I didn’t particularly want to reveal my dark thoughts. Hesitating whether to speak or not, I felt endlessly ashamed of the childish thoughts I had briefly entertained and closed my mouth. But Go Yohan, seemingly upset about something, pushed the finger that had been holding my ear outwards, as if throwing it away. The wind slightly turned my head, preventing me from seeing Go Yohan’s face. The voice that traveled down my neck felt somehow cold.
“Ah, what is it.”
‘What is it?’
There was no chance for an explanation. It was because Go Yohan scanned me with cold eyes.
“Kang Jun, don’t talk to me.”
“Wait, what?”
“Fuck…… I’m about to get annoyed.”
“No, that’s……. Hey.”
Go Yohan brushed off my hand with his arm when I tried to talk to him and ignored me. I desperately wracked my brain, trying to figure out what I had said wrong. No answer came. Just because I didn’t tell him why I wasn’t laughing, he’s acting like this?
But after that, Go Yohan really didn’t say a single word to me. That silence was driving me crazy. An uneasy feeling began to sprout in my chest.
Amidst the noisy commotion, I buried my head in the workbook, drawing lines on problems that I couldn’t even read. Whenever I felt a gaze and pretended to look at the clock, I would occasionally meet Han Tae-san’s eyes. His large eyes would waver for a moment when they met mine, then calmly sink. At the same time, my mood would sink terribly, as if falling into the seabed. Goodwill can feel unpleasant too, I thought.
The certainty that the strange tug-of-war between Go Yohan and me was a battle of wills came to me when lunchtime started.
It was because Go Yohan went out to eat lunch with Lee Seok-hyun. Park Dong-cheol and Kim Seok-min, with slightly surprised faces, vaguely told me to get my wallet too, but Go Yohan stopped them.
“Jun said he’s going to study.”
When did I say that? I was dumbfounded and glared at Go Yohan, but Go Yohan glared back at me in the same way. However, my actions of pretending to study by burying my nose in a book every break backfired on me.
“Ah……. Come to think of it, Jun is studying hard today.”
Park Dong-cheol affirmed. One of Go Yohan’s eyebrows twitched upwards. And he quietly looked down with those narrow eyes. His face, as if finding something displeasing, scanned Park Dong-cheol up and down.
“……”
I’m not such a stupid jerk as to follow along without noticing and cause a scene. I tapped the workbook with my pencil and, as usual, smiled in a way that was friendly and kind to anyone who looked.
“Yeah. I couldn’t finish my tutoring homework, so I can’t go because I have to finish this. You guys go ahead.”
Did you see that? Your attempts to drive a wedge between us don’t even tickle me. Go Yohan’s deep eyes narrowed further. Even though it bothered me so much, I tried not to pay attention to it.
Go Yohan is tall. The tallest in the whole school. The height he measured at the last physical exam was a whopping 187cm.
The kids in our class had once said to Go Yohan that it must be nice not to have any more room to grow. But I had realized since some time ago that Go Yohan’s growth spurt was not over yet. Clearly, Go Yohan, who had been able to pass through the classroom door without any trouble around the summer of this year, was seen slightly bowing his head when entering around the start of winter. I have no idea where the top of Go Yohan’s head reached the classroom door in the spring, but Go Yohan in the winter is vivid.
Go Yohan was always standing in the back. Because he’s tall. Just like now. Whether they were pretending to be sorry, or whether they were really sorry, the guys who were still insisting on going together didn’t see the expression on Go Yohan’s face behind them. Only I, who was looking from the front, saw that expression.
But that expression was one that no one had ever made towards me, so I had no idea how to explain it, or how to interpret it. However, I could tell that it carried a subtle hostility. Fearing that gaze, I naturally grabbed my pen and subtly turned away from Go Yohan.
“Yeah, go solve your problems, you idiot.”
Go Yohan sneered from behind me.
“Hey……”
Kim Seok-min chided Go Yohan and nudged his arm.
“What?”
Go Yohan, annoyed, pushed Kim Seok-min’s shoulder hard. Kim Seok-min, who almost fell forward because of it, smiled with difficulty and said.
“Hey, guys. Let’s go quickly. We don’t have much time.”
“Ah……. Okay. Study hard, Kang Jun.”
Lee Seok-hyun answered in a small voice and moved his feet. Listening to the increasingly faint, ignorant footsteps, I was lost in thought for a moment. The problems still didn’t catch my eye. Only other problems filled my head.
I quietly scratched my head with the black pen I was holding. Focus, you idiot.
“……What are you doing?”
Kim Min-ho must have seen it, because he asked me with a strange face.
“Ah, no, it’s just that the problem isn’t solving well.”
I shrugged. And after hesitating for a moment, I asked with an uncomfortable feeling.
“Aren’t you going?”
“Nah, I don’t feel good.”
“I see. Then, go to the nurse’s office and get some digestive medicine.”
It was a thoughtless remark. Kim Min-ho reacted sensitively. Kim Min-ho’s face, stomping his feet fiercely, was full of annoyance.
“Hey, digestive medicine or whatever, but didn’t Go Yohan just ignore you like crazy? Did you notice?”
“Huh?”
“That bastard just dissed you! Didn’t you notice?”
“He did?”
He did, but I opened my mouth in the opposite way.
“Eh, no way. There’s no way he would.”
“You’re so clueless. Idiot.”
It’s not that I’m clueless, it’s that I’m quick to notice. Kim Min-ho doesn’t seem to know that I’m pretending not to know on purpose. There’s no need to go around talking about the fact that Go Yohan ignored me. It’s all just cutting into my own flesh. I’m almost grateful that he’s being fooled. I instead put on a naive, clueless face. Seeing my expression, Kim Min-ho punched the air with his fist and said in a slightly anxious tone.
“Honestly, you find that Go Yohan bastard really annoying, right?”
I’m not stupid enough to honestly talk to Kim Min-ho about Go Yohan. I just subtly rolled my eyes.
“Ah, but can I go to the bathroom first and then talk?”
“Ah, shit……. You bastard.”
Actually, I didn’t really want to go to the bathroom. I just wanted to avoid talking to Kim Min-ho.
What was even more terrible was the fact that Han Tae-san had secretly left a drink on my desk while I was gone to the bathroom for a while. Is there anyone else who would leave a drink for me besides him? I didn’t even drink it and secretly threw it away as it was.
That day, the final exam report cards came out. The Homeroom Teacher handed out the report cards in order from closest to the teacher’s desk. I had no expectations. I’d probably be second place, as always, since I always get the same grades, so I received it without much emotion. But An Jisu’s expression, whom I encountered on the way back while folding the turned-over report card with one hand, was not good.
Huh. Huh? Suddenly, joy surged up. Could it be.
Instantly, my churning stomach convulsed wildly. I barely suppressed my fluttering body, which was about to take flight with hope. I pretended to be nonchalant, as if I hadn’t expected anything. It would be embarrassing if it wasn’t true. My heart was pounding for no reason. I sat down in my seat, imitating my usual self as much as possible, and opened the report card. And the number that immediately appeared before my eyes made it impossible for me to control myself.
1
I sat there blankly for a moment.
“Wait, this is…….”
Just in case, I rubbed my eyes, but nothing changed. I beat An Jisu.
“……No way.”
An Jisu, who always asked me detailed questions about the difficulty of the exam on the days we received our report cards, didn’t come to ask me first today. I secretly bit my lip. The kids in the class, having noticed An Jisu’s expression to some extent, kept looking back and forth between us.
The first to offer congratulations was unexpectedly an unremarkable student. The one sitting diagonally in front of me.
“Kang Jun. Are you first place by any chance?”
“Huh?”
I subtly turned my gaze to Go Yohan. I don’t know why I bothered to look. But Go Yohan was just propping up his chin with his left hand, tapping the unopened report card with his fingernails. That sight was so annoying that I whipped my head around. I made my expression as surprised as possible, without being too arrogant. It was hard to hold back the trembling of my lips with laughter.
“Yeah. It turned out that way.”
“Wow, that’s amazing.”
“I just got lucky. That’s all.”
The guy, who wasn’t even that close to me, nodded and seemed to be about to continue praising me. But Kim Seok-min interrupted our awkward conversation.
“Shit! Hey! Kang Jun got first place in the whole school on the final exam!”
He had been half-listening to the conversation nearby and shouted it out to the whole neighborhood as if he had caught the timing perfectly.
“Wow- that crazy bastard who’s obsessed with studying. He’s even beating An Jisu now.”
Kim Min-ho said this as if he had caught the timing perfectly, having been looking around for the right moment.
“As expected of Kang Jun. You’re so amazing.”
Park Dong-cheol said this as if he had been waiting for Kim Min-ho to finish.
“Kang Jun. Treat us.”
Lee Seok-hyun said this, tapping my shoulder lightly as he walked towards me, taking advantage of the crowded classroom. I waited for the words that I thought someone had to say to me, but he didn’t say anything to me. Instead, Lee Seok-hyun nudged that damn guy’s arm and asked.
“Hey. Why are you so indifferent even though Kang Jun got first place in the whole school?”
At those words, Go Yohan raised his head and looked towards me. Go Yohan had both hands stuck in his pockets. Leaning back in his chair, Go Yohan said slowly.
“No?”
As if it had nothing to do with him at all, and he had no interest in it. The feeling of happiness that had been throbbing as if it would bloom was crushed like crumpled paper the moment I heard those words. Lee Seok-hyun, who was more embarrassed than I was, let out an awkward laugh and massaged one of Go Yohan’s shoulders.
“Are you in a bad mood today or something?”
“No.”
The way he throws his head back and looks down while saying that. He’s obviously making it obvious that he’s lying.
“Did you guys fight or something?”
“Not really.”
This time, I denied it. I didn’t see Go Yohan’s expression because I was looking at Lee Seok-hyun. I didn’t particularly want to see it. It’s all a waste of energy to stubbornly confirm reality and feel bad. I learned that very well through Han Jun-woo.
“Yohan’s probably feeling a bit down because his grades aren’t as good as he’d like.”
It’s as if he knows and is saying it for someone to hear. Actually, that’s what he’s saying it for them to understand. At the same time, it’s also giving them the finger. A hollow laugh suddenly escaped from my lips. Depending on how you hear it, it’s a guess, and depending on how you hear it, it’s information delivery. I enjoy using this ambiguous way of speaking, which has a way out.
“Go Yohan cares about grades? Kang Jun. Say something that makes sense.”
“No. Yohan cares a lot about grades.”
“No way.”
“It’s true.”
I must not have shown how much I study to those around me, because that’s how they’re reacting. I even feel like I should acknowledge his efforts. Yeah. I suddenly feel generous. Yeah, it’s annoying that he made me look like a fool, but I can at least praise him once. I was almost about to fall into the abyss of this pyramid because of Han Jun-woo just a few months ago. It’s a reward for grabbing my hair and pulling me up.
“Yohan’s grades are in the top ranks in the class. He’s good at studying.”
“I guess you’re feeling good and teasing someone, but stop lying. You’re not good at lying.”
“No, I’m serious.”
“Wow- you have to tell a lie that can be true. What do you mean Go Yohan is good at studying. Hey. Hey. Get lost.”
“Yeah. Kang Jun, that was a bit much.”
Lee Seok-hyun tapped my shoulder with the back of his hand. Park Dong-cheol, who had subtly stood behind me, nodded in agreement with Lee Seok-hyun’s scolding, pretending to know. What do these idiots know. Suddenly, the blood rushes to my head.
“You guys don’t know very well…….”
“What do you guys know. You fuckers.”
Just as I, who was overwhelmed, was about to retort, Go Yohan cursed from behind at the same time. A cold wind strongly hits my back. The sound of the chair being pushed back is heard. The sensation in my back subtly reads Go Yohan’s movements.
I swallowed once and slowly turned around. As soon as I looked, I met Go Yohan’s eyes. Instantly, I reflexively avoided his gaze and pretended to look at the sky like an idiot.
Ah, shit. How embarrassing. The fist placed on my knee curled up tightly.
“Don’t think I’m going to be the same as you loser bastards.”
Go Yohan raised his hand above my head. His long hand tangled with my hair. When a slightly heavy force touched my head, I almost mistook the contact surface for burning as if it were on fire. His hot hand ruffled my hair. My hair swayed back and forth with the movement.
“I feel like shit, so I can’t stay here any longer. Fuck.”
“You’re just pretending to be like that to make Kang Jun look good. Hey. You get lost too. Both of you guys are no fun.”
Lee Seok-hyun jokingly rebukes him. Go Yohan took the joke seriously. He punched Lee Seok-hyun’s shoulder a bit hard and passed by. The intensity was stronger than expected, and Lee Seok-hyun staggered a bit.
“Ah……. Go Yohan, you shi-bal.”
Go Yohan didn’t seem to care at all about what would happen behind him. He just left the classroom without even slinging his bag over his shoulder, holding it in one hand. I grabbed Lee Seok-hyun’s arm, who was staggering, without even getting up from my seat.
“Are you okay?”
Even in the midst of this, I scattered worries for my reputation. Lee Seok-hyun, who was looking in the direction Go Yohan had left with a slightly uneasy expression, immediately turned his gaze to me.
“Huh? Oh, oh.”
“Be careful. What would you do if you fell?”
“Kang Jun needs to fix that nerdy way of talking. Shit. It’s giving me goosebumps.”
“He’s so kind. That bastard will definitely be chasing after girls like crazy when he goes to college.”
Ignoring the words that were popping out from the side, I lightly stroked Lee Seok-hyun’s arm. In my heart, I was only thinking this. Idiots. You’re just a bunch of bastards who can’t even go to college, acting up. Do you think I’m like you?
After finishing the bustling after-school routine, doing tutoring, and going to academies, I had a thought that suddenly came to mind while lying in bed. It was the thought that the actions I had done for Go Yohan were very similar to the actions I had done for Han Jun-woo.
But I immediately shook my head.
No way.
I feel uneasy. I’m getting anxious. I closed my eyes tightly and covered my face with the blanket.
The next morning. As always, I came to school and opened my locker. To take out my textbooks. But inside the locker were bizarre things that weren’t usually there. A white flower with its stem broken and petals all plucked off, and a crushed cockroach, dead. One of its wings was sticking out, and a few legs were twitching. Beneath it was a neatly folded white note.
“……”
Fuck. What is this? I turned my head to look at the classroom. There were a total of eight students in the classroom. None of them would do something like this. Slowly, I reached out and grabbed the edge of the note, pulling it out slightly. Brown liquid smeared on the note, and the crushed cockroach twitched slightly, following along.
Shee-bal. Fuck. I shook my hand in disgust, and it fell to the floor with a thud. I didn’t want to touch the note if possible. I really felt like throwing up. I wedged the note between the lockers, pulling it out slightly to reveal the contents written inside.
Jun-ah, congratulations.
What the hell is this?
Let’s think.
The grogginess that clouded my mind in the morning cleared up. Honestly, this kind of childish bullying doesn’t really itch or hurt. But, I can’t stand the fact that someone arrogant enough to inflict such gloomy bullying on me is hiding right next to me.
First, I nonchalantly threw the note into the paper trash can. I sat down in my seat with my arms crossed, just as I always did. Let’s see. Who in this classroom could possibly hate me? Enough to do something this shady.
At first, I thought it wouldn’t be too difficult to pick them out, but when I actually tried, it was ambiguous.
First, Kim Min-ho. He used to dislike me, but now he seems to have more animosity towards Lee Seok-hyun and Go Yohan than me. Second, I picked Choi Tae-jun or Hong Hwi-jun. They were friends with Han Jun-woo and had some power in the class at the beginning of the semester.
They might hate me for betraying Han Jun-woo and switching sides. But wouldn’t they hate Park Dong-cheol more? And it’s a bit strange that they would suddenly do this to me now.
Third, An Jisu, from whom I stole the top spot in the entire school. I quickly dismissed the hypothesis. No way.
“……Then, could it be.”
Lastly, Han Jun-woo, who isn’t even at school.
My face automatically contorted. It’s practically the most plausible hypothesis. A petty, childish, emotional, and crazy bastard who hates only me. The hand I had crossed my arms with tightened. When I came to my senses, I was digging my fingernails into my forearm. I’m ashamed of my past self for liking Han Jun-woo. Even if I liked someone, how could I have liked such a shitty guy?
But this hypothesis was quickly discarded as well. There’s no way Han Jun-woo could send me a message like this.
And the content written in the letter.
‘Jun-ah.’
Han Jun-woo had never once called me Jun-ah. Kang Jun. Kang Jun. That damn Kang Jun. As if he’d catch a disease if he called me Jun-i. When I think about it, he was really stubborn about strange things. Thanks to him, my name in school became Kang Jun instead of Jun-i, he was so stubborn.
In that situation, there weren’t many people who called me Jun-ah. Teachers. There’s no way a teacher would do something like this unless they were crazy. Or Han Tae-san.
Just thinking about Han Tae-san makes my head pound with annoyance. He transferred at an awkward time with his round face and turned both Han Jun-woo and me inside out. Even though my unrequited love is over, my animosity towards Han Tae-san remains unchanged. Because humans are inherently petty and once a fixed idea is grasped, it never changes.
But there’s no way Han Tae-san is the culprit behind this. That coward would never dare to do such a disgraceful thing.
Then, the last person who calls me Jun-ah.
“Ah, fuck! There’s another cockroach rolling around on the floor! This rotting building, it’s so fucking rotten. It’s practically the Amazon.”
Kim Min-ho, who almost stepped on a cockroach from behind, screamed. I heard the sound of him kicking the floor violently a few times, and then the low voice I had been thinking about followed.
“I like you a lot.”
“What? Cockroaches? Me?”
“Yeah.”
“This bastard…… Are you crazy……”
I turned around. As soon as I turned my gaze, only one person came into view. Ears that looked like they had no more room for piercings. Unnecessarily long arms and legs. The slightly shortened hem of his uniform. The white wrist visible through it. And the Rosary hanging on his wrist.
Go Yohan nonchalantly picked up the torn and mangled corpse of the cockroach with his bare hands. That was already something. But to go so far as to approach the horrified Kim Min-ho and carefully put the dirty corpse into his pocket.
“You should have what you like.”
And he tapped the bulging part with his hand. Kim Min-ho screamed even louder than before, grabbing the edge of his pocket and jumping up and down. Leaving Kim Min-ho behind, Go Yohan strode towards me with his long legs.
“……”
Our eyes met. His slender, cool eyes swept over me. I heard the sound of a chair sliding next to me. Go Yohan sat down. But he didn’t say a word to me. I stared into the air and thought.
Could it be. No way. It can’t be.
My clumsy reasoning that started like that didn’t stop until it was time to go home. The only time I paused my reasoning was during lunch. I had to come up with another excuse to eat separately from Go Yohan again. Fortunately, the excuse was just conceived in my head and immediately discarded. Because Go Yohan ate lunch with me.
Strangely enough, the day after I mentioned Go Yohan’s grades, Go Yohan sat next to me again, as if on a whim. He didn’t say a single word, though. I don’t know what he was so sulky about, but he seemed to be in a better mood than yesterday.
My reasoning ended during cleaning time. I didn’t guess the culprit correctly. However, because I had found out one shocking fact, I had to rest my head for a while.
It was when I went down to the incinerator to throw away the separated waste. After throwing all the trash into the recycling bins and shaking off my hands, I ran into someone I really didn’t want to meet on the way back. Han Tae-san, trembling with both hands hidden in his uniform near the incinerator building.
Why is he sitting there? Han Tae-san has no reason to go to that building because it’s the cooking room. It was as if he was waiting for me. Come to think of it, this guy has a history of doing this kind of unpleasant thing several times. I almost gagged.
I was just going to pass by. Until Han Tae-san suddenly raised his head. I missed the timing to avoid his gaze, so I bit the inside of my lip slightly. Damn it. There’s no one around, and I made eye contact, so it wouldn’t look good to blatantly avoid him. I guess I have to acknowledge him. While worrying about that, I had no choice but to speak to Han Tae-san first.
“What are you doing here?”
Han Tae-san’s eyes folded slightly at my words. Ah. I’m going crazy. Really.
“I, I was just getting some air.”
“……You’re not wearing much, go inside quickly.”
“No. I, I’m not that cold.”
Don’t lie. You crazy bastard.
“Why get air here of all places? In such a smelly place.”
“Th, th, that’s because, I was hoping you’d pass by……”
“……”
“Ah……”
Han Tae-san’s face paled and he looked down at the floor.
“Sorry……”
“……Well, you don’t have to be sorry.”
I was saying that, but from above, I was contorting my face at his lowered head.
Why did he wait for me here of all places? When I think about it, it’s creepy. I can give him credit for not talking to me in a place with a lot of people for the sake of my reputation. Up to that point, I can think, ‘Okay, Han Tae-san isn’t that stupid either.’ Well, he wasn’t a bad student. And see it positively.
But if I knew that he had to talk to me, that he had to follow the path I would walk, and that he was sitting and waiting for me on the path I would pass, wouldn’t it be natural to get goosebumps? My skin was almost crawling, but I don’t know how hard I tried not to show it on the outside.
“I was just, really just passing by……”
His face, looking up while watching my reaction, is disgusting. I quickly relaxed my expression.
“Wait, your face is all chapped.”
His cheeks, which haven’t lost their baby fat, are red. I narrowed my eyes because I felt a sense of déjà vu, and then I noticed something strange.
“What’s this?”
I tapped the area around Han Tae-san’s lips with my finger. There were small blisters clustered on Han Tae-san’s lips. I had definitely seen the shape of these blisters before. This is definitely……
“Heuht.”
Han Tae-san, who had been staring silently at my fingertip, touched his lips slightly after hearing my words, and his face turned red before turning as pale as if ice had been poured on it. Han Tae-san, whose face had turned teal, hurriedly covered his mouth with his palm and pulled his head back. Han Tae-san, who was holding his mouth tightly with both hands, lowered his head deeply. With that action, my suspicion turned into certainty.
“D, don’t touch me.”
“……”
“It’s just, just because I’m tired. It’s okay.”
“Did you perhaps……”
“I, I’ll go first. I’ll go up first!”
Han Tae-san hurriedly passed by my hand, which was pointing awkwardly at the air. I remained standing there, caught up in strange emotions.
As far as I know, those blisters can be caused by fatigue, but……
Han Tae-san’s actions prove that fatigue isn’t the only cause. He did something. He definitely did something with Han Jun-woo. What? I stood still and stared only at the door that Han Tae-san had entered. The fluctuating emotions calmed down.
“Well, it’s none of my business.”
I picked up the emptied trash can and headed towards the building. As I climbed the stairs, a skipping stone was thrown onto the calmed surface of the water. What did they do? I looked up at the hallway above the stairs. Unidentified guys were shouting and running around.
I briefly calmed the surface of the water where small ripples had risen again. That’s it. Whether they actually did Fella or Imaratio, it was nothing to do with me.
The reasoning was over. There wasn’t much to show for it. So I chose a new direction. If I don’t know who the culprit is, I can just make everyone except the culprit my ally. I admired myself for not falling into the swamp of worry.
In times like these, it’s good to aim for a simple but effective method.
I decided to treat everyone in our class to the most expensive hamburger today. The decision was quick and my mind was light. My steps weren’t particularly heavy either. My mother and Father, who saw my grades yesterday, became more lenient towards me.
For some reason, I wanted to tell Go Yohan that day. Even covering up the resentment I felt for him ignoring me. ‘Maybe there really is a god.’ He didn’t listen to all my prayers, but didn’t he listen to my most desperate prayer?
His healthy-looking dark skin, deep eyes, soft nose, and attractive lips full of sighs had somehow turned into ‘just’ Han Jun-woo.
Now that skin honestly wasn’t much different from Kim Min-ho’s, his deep eyes were just sleepy, and his nose, well, even if I admit his nose was a bit handsome, his lips were just ordinary lips. Stupid lips that openly smoked in front of people who hated cigarettes. Even back then, Han Jun-woo’s cigarette smell was really terrible. How strong of a cigarette did he have to smoke to smell like that? My eyes must have been rotten.
“Yeah, I wasn’t in my right mind.”
The plague I caught at seventeen must have finally healed. The disease that had been strangling my neck like an incurable disease eventually succumbed to time. I knew this day would come someday. I’m so happy I feel like I’m flying into the sky. Yeah. I’m going to live my life on a smooth path from now on. I won’t be ignored by anyone, and I won’t suffer by walking a different path from others.
Even though I arrived at school a little late, my mood didn’t sink. Rather, it was soaring like crazy. My freedom. I opened the back door of the classroom with a willingly happy heart. My heart was happy only until then. As soon as I saw the familiar back sitting in the very center of the classroom, my mood plummeted to hell.
This time, Han Jun-woo was back.
Thud. Thud. Sitting in my seat, I tapped the textbook with a pen at a regular pace.
Han Jun-woo’s new seat was at the very back of the center row in the classroom. This time, he didn’t sit next to Han Tae-san. Well, whether he was considerate of Han Tae-san or what, I don’t care.
The original owner hesitated for a long time before getting permission from the Homeroom Teacher and sitting in the empty seat. He tried to protest to reclaim his seat, but as soon as Han Jun-woo muttered a low curse and threw his bag on his desk against the wall, he quieted down. Once a king, always a king, I guess.
The classmates naturally looked at Go Yohan. As if asking for something. But Go Yohan only glanced at the situation and buried his head in his workbook. Still a non-fiction workbook. I saw the squiggly lines drawn in each paragraph and curled my toes tightly.
Lee Seok-hyun, Kim Min-ho, Kim Seok-min, and Park Dong-cheol all just glanced at it like Go Yohan. What did I do in this situation? I pride myself on being the smartest and most quick-witted in this group, but in reality, I was just another pathetic high school student.
In the end, I kept my mouth shut too.
And I did something a little mean. Originally, our class has 36 students. Among them, I only ordered 35 hamburgers. This is really an unavoidable force majeure. How would I have known Han Jun-woo would come today?
After the second period, when the Homeroom Teacher taught, a large white bag was placed on almost every seat. Only Han Jun-woo’s seat had neither a textbook nor a white bag. I sat down and took out a french fry, putting it in my mouth. Savory. And I turned my head, smiled brightly at Han Jun-woo sitting among the pigs who were gobbling up hamburgers and french fries, and said.
“Sorry. I didn’t know you were coming today. I couldn’t order one for you. Sorry.”
“Kang Jun-ah. You’re so nice. Why do you have to take care of that gay bastard?”
Kim Min-ho, who ended up sitting in front of Han Jun-woo because Han Jun-woo changed seats, said with his mouth full of hamburger. Han Jun-woo swept his bangs back with a blank expression. I turned my head again and took out another french fry, putting it in my mouth. That’s when it happened.
“The gay is you, Kang Jun, you fucking bastard.”
The jaw that was chewing the french fry stopped abruptly. My head whipped around towards Han Jun-woo.
“What?”
“You’re so obviously sticking with that Go Yohan, but you’re pretending not to be, you pathetic idiot.”
The blood runs cold. The area around Han Jun-woo turned icy. More than thirty pairs of eyes are looking at me and Han Jun-woo. Gazes poured in. Like waves. My head goes blank. My jaw trembles.
What, what is this bastard saying.
The feeling of the half-chewed french fry slowly going down my esophagus is unfamiliar. The food scratched my throat as it went down. My mouth is parched. Black pupils are pressing down on me.
“It’s noisy.”
But the moment I heard the low voice, I felt the hot pressure that had filled my eyes subside. The fluctuating emotions became peaceful in an instant. I blankly turned my head. It’s Go Yohan. Go Yohan, sitting against the light, is dangling a straw in his mouth. Then, he leaned back diagonally and spoke to the guy sitting in the front seat as if scolding him.
“Hey. Doesn’t someone’s breath stink?”
It’s obviously an intention to humiliate him in a vulgar way. Looking at him covering his mouth slightly with his fingers and snickering, leaving the troubled guy in the front behind…… But his eyes were dead. His slightly lighter-colored pupils were just staring daggers at the other side of me.
“What kind of trash did you eat……”
“You fucking bastard, that’s childish.”
“Ah, yeah. Of course.”
Go Yohan nods nonchalantly.
“That’s right. I’m childish.”
And suddenly, he lightly taps his Canine Tooth with his index fingernail. To touch his teeth, he has no choice but to open his mouth, and that shape was exactly like a sneering face.
“So I want to say anything. I’m a bit loose-lipped and childish, you see.”
At that moment, Go Yohan’s intention became clear. I unknowingly let out a soft laugh. That’s the humiliation of Han Jun-woo that I know. Threatening him with Han Jun-woo’s extracted tooth. The fear disappeared as I recalled that ridiculous sight.
And the owner of that shame was biting his lips tightly. Serves him right. I’m soaked in refreshing pleasure. The heart that was knotted with frustration is blown open.
“Whatever you see in your eyes, you see the same way. Like a water ghost trying to drag people in. I want to know too. How much have you been seeing men with your ass that everything looks gay to you?”
“Shut your mouth. Before I wreck your face.”
“And you don’t seem to know.”
I feel a strange sense of déjà vu. It feels like I’ve heard it somewhere before.
“Jun-i and I have always been close. You son of a bitch.”
And the way he clicks my cheek with his finger, along with a tsking sound, seems like he’s trying to be cute. But I know that action is a threat. It’s a secret between Go Yohan and me. I barely managed to hold back the laughter that was trying to slip out.
Ah. I’m going crazy. Han Jun-woo stared at Go Yohan with a resentful face, then shut his mouth. He probably didn’t want to admit, with his pride, that Go Yohan had knocked out two of his teeth.
“……”
Until the Homeroom Teacher came back, our class was silent like that. Only Go Yohan’s humming flowed. He’s the only one who’s relaxed. He kept acting cocky and eating his hamburger, but when I glanced at Go Yohan’s face, he didn’t look particularly pleased either.
Go Yohan helped me. That’s a clear fact. I still didn’t know why Go Yohan was angry at me, but I decided to apologize first anyway. It was the price for his help.
“But I’m really bad at apologizing……”
I hesitated about how to apologize casually, and just wasted time. What I decided for sure was when I happened to pass by the school store and found a candy basket. I picked one from among them and bought it. I fiddled with the candy for a while and headed to the classroom.
Then I ran into Go Yohan. He was standing still in the hallway, looking at the end of the hallway with his arms crossed. I stood behind him and looked for what Go Yohan was looking at so intently.
Ordinary curiosity arose. What is he looking at? I naturally followed his gaze. At the end of it, I saw the emergency exit sign was bent and broken. What. Is that all he’s looking at? An absurd, hollow laugh burst out.
“What’s he looking at now? He’s really weird.”
After I chuckled, I stared blankly at his large back. As the noisy conversation gradually approached from afar, I suddenly came to my senses. Ah, why do I keep doing this. I shook my head, muffled my footsteps, approached him, slipped a lime-flavored candy into his pocket, and said in a very small voice.
“Thanks.”
It’s embarrassing. But I don’t dislike that embarrassment so much. I’m just awkward and shy. I couldn’t overcome that shyness, so I quickly turned around and tried to go into the classroom. That was until Go Yohan grabbed my shoulder.
“What did you say just now?”
My body is forcibly turned around. I frowned because it was a bit uncomfortable, and he asked, frowning one eyebrow instead.
“Nothing.”
I tried to turn around again and get away. I tried to get away, but Go Yohan grabbed my wrist this time, so I couldn’t get away.
“It’s not nothing, say it again, what is it. What you said earlier.”
“It’s okay.”
“What is it, tell me.”
“What. You heard everything. You.”
I pulled my hand away and hit Go Yohan’s back with my palm. Very lightly. And I hurried away from the spot.
A good feeling is a good feeling, and if I look at Han Jun-woo’s face again, my mood plummets back to the bottom. Han Jun-woo was leaning back in his chair and looking ahead, and I looked at that gaze with pity.
Following his gaze is Han Tae-san’s back. That idiot. Han Tae-san had been lying on his desk all day. May the two of them live like that, doing Futile actions forever. It’s so boring now that I shook my head once and sat down to prepare for the next class.
Even though class has started, it’s still the same that my concentration is sometimes broken. It was because of Han Jun-woo, who didn’t have a textbook at all. The teacher pointed out Han Jun-woo, who didn’t have a textbook, and even if I didn’t want to, my gaze kept going to Han Jun-woo. What am I supposed to do when he keeps disrupting the class?
Annoyance is gradually scratching at my nerves. I don’t know why I have to listen to nagging about Han Jun-woo at a time when I should be studying. I don’t even want to concentrate, so I took out a post-it note from my pencil case and wrote down a math formula that I needed to memorize. I was gathering my scattered concentration like that, but this time the teacher shouts loudly.
“Hey, you! Han Jun-woo!”
Oh my gosh. I was so surprised that I lifted my head and looked at the teacher and Han Jun-woo again. Han Jun-woo must have been sarcastic again. I’m sick of that patheticness. I muttered swear words in my head and scratched the post-it note with a pen. As I was writing something and thinking, I unknowingly wrote my true feelings.
I fucking hate Han Jun-woo. I was so surprised that I stopped writing and quickly took the pen off.
Just looking at this name makes me sick. Now there’s nothing left but malice. He’s just a piece of trash that gets in the way of my life. I even regret my past of associating with such a guy.
My head is dyed gray. Fog sets in. Due to the overwhelming annoyance, my head fell into unconsciousness instead. When I corrected my vision, a name was seen in the blurred and brightening vision.
It’s a name that my hand wrote on its own without me being aware of it. At that moment, my heart thumped loudly and made me embarrassed. My head turned red. I hurriedly hid only Go Yohan’s name with a black pen, lest someone find out.
And I crumpled the paper tightly with my hand and threw it into the paper trash can far away. I threw it far away and looked around, but suddenly I met Go Yohan’s eyes. Go Yohan’s cold eyes scan me. Like someone who is suspicious.
“……”
My face became hot, wondering if he had found out what I had done. I quickly straightened my posture and clenched my fist tightly. I desperately resisted. I don’t even want to think about what I was resisting. Rather, I’m afraid that thinking about it will lead to acknowledging the fact. I clenched my fist tightly.
No. Absolutely not.
No way. Absolutely no way.