By Zephyria 
Two days later, I found a small note in my shoe locker.
I wondered if it was a confession, but after remembering that this was an all-boys school, I erased the word “confession” from my mind. No way. I completely forgot about it until before gym class, the fourth period, started.
I changed into my gym clothes and went to the storage room. I was mildly curious about who would be there, but I didn’t pay much attention. I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal anyway. But the sender of the letter was a truly unexpected person. A timid face with black hair pressed down. It was Han Tae-san.
“Han Tae-san?”
As I called his name with a questioning voice, the small head that had been constantly biting its nails snapped up. He waved his hand with the innocent smile he had when he first came to school. I frowned, finding it repulsive.
“What is it? Out of the blue.”
At my question, Han Tae-san twisted his chubby fingers nervously.
“Ah, I, I have something to say…”
“What is it?”
I wanted to get out of there quickly. To be honest, I didn’t want anyone to see us alone together. I didn’t want to get caught up in any weird rumors. I always helped Han Tae-san only to a reasonable extent, just enough to seem like I had a sense of justice.
Han Tae-san, completely unaware of my feelings, kept biting his thumb and looking around the storage room, then pursed his lips with a determined look, but closed them again as if he was unable to speak.
“…”
That’s why I was so agitated. Since I didn’t like Han Tae-san from the start, I only felt negative emotions no matter what he did. His small mouth kept twitching, and what might have been a cute action felt very pretentious, making me think I was seriously ill.
“Sorry, but I have to go to class, so can you tell me quickly?”
To make matters worse, I wasn’t feeling well today. My head felt like a complete mess.
Maybe I wasn’t angry at Han Tae-san, but just wanted to be annoyed at someone. My stomach had been hurting more lately, so I was secretly stressed. There were many frustrating things too. While I was thinking that, Han Tae-san finally seemed to have made up his mind and opened his mouth hesitantly in a small voice.
“Um, Jun-ah. Um… Well, you know. I, I.”
“Yeah.”
I answered casually, scratching my neck. The break was almost over, and I wished he would just say it quickly. I just wanted to pry open that small mouth and force the words out.
At that moment, unfortunately, the storage room door opened. Han Tae-san and I turned around at the same time, and our eyes met Han Jun-woo, who was breathing heavily. No, not me, but Han Tae-san and Han Jun-woo.
“Hah, hah…”
I knew from his heavy breathing. Han Jun-woo had been running. He had definitely been running. The thought that followed made my heart ache even more. Because I imagined Han Jun-woo running to find the missing Han Tae-san.
Han Jun-woo took a long breath and walked into the storage room without hesitation. I lowered my hand, which had been stroking my neck, without realizing it. Han Jun-woo looked back and forth between Han Tae-san and me with a fierce expression, then said in a very low voice.
“Why are you with him?”
It wasn’t clear who he was talking to. He clenched and unclenched his hands tightly.
Unlike my calm face, the me inside was pounding on my chest, which felt like it had indigestion. After a long time, Han Jun-woo looked at me. But I hated that gaze so much I could die.
“…What is it, Han Jun-woo.”
Please, please. Don’t look at me like that. You should blame Han Tae-san for calling me, why are you looking at me, your close friend, with such resentful eyes? It’s not my fault, I just got caught up with Han Tae-san.
Even in the midst of all that, Han Jun-woo’s eyes were burning fiercely, and knowing that it wasn’t passion or ardor, my heart ached as if it were being torn apart. Those eyes were filled with anger, jealousy, resentment, and the face of a man driven mad by love. The face of a man I sometimes considered pathetic.
“Why are you together!”
It’s pathetic. Han Jun-woo. Pathetic. I glared back at Han Jun-woo. But why do I feel sorry for myself instead of you?
Han Jun-woo, with his long legs, strode towards me and was almost right in front of me, and the moment I saw Han Jun-woo’s face up close, the world shook.
“……!”
I didn’t realize what had happened to me. And as my unbalanced body fell to the floor, the process I had gone through slowly began to replay in my head.
“No, no way…”
He hit me.
Han Jun-woo punched me.
I grabbed my cheek with a trembling hand while still on the ground. I couldn’t believe it. How. How could you.
“Ju, Jun-ah!”
“Damn it. I told you to call me Kang Jun! No, don’t call me! Kang Jun! Don’t call me, you bastard!”
Han Jun-woo shouted like a madman as Han Tae-san approached me in shock. Han Tae-san’s face gradually turned pale as he looked at Han Jun-woo’s face.
“So, sorry. Sorry.”
“We promised. You, you, you promised me. Damn it!”
Han Tae-san took a step back, but unlike Han Jun-woo’s words, he still looked at me with a face that looked like he was about to cry. No. I’m the one who should be crying.
I felt my tear ducts about to burst. Fortunately, before I could shed any tears, Han Jun-woo cursed and raged alone, then grabbed Han Tae-san’s arm and dragged him out of the gym storage room. It all happened in an instant.
Sitting in the gym storage room, I stared blankly at the half-open door. As I looked at the sunlight coming through the crack in the door, the dam I had been holding back inside my eyes burst as if stimulated.
I resented everything. Han Tae-san, who called me out here and acted friendly, and Han Jun-woo, who hit me, I wished they would both just die. I wished they would both just die. I was sad that I had become a bystander in their relationship for that brief moment. I resented them both.
I got up from that spot and went to the faculty office without even doing gym class and asked to leave early. My face was red and swollen, and since I wasn’t the type of kid to do that, the Homeroom Teacher seemed to guess that something had happened without much explanation.
As soon as I got home, I lay down on my bed and fell asleep, and when I woke up, my red face was swollen and blue. I habitually checked my phone and saw that Go Yohan had contacted me. I hadn’t contacted Go Yohan much. It seemed that there was a record of contacting him because of Han Jun-woo. Damn it.
I would have ignored any other bastard, but I couldn’t ignore Go Yohan, who was second in the hierarchy after Han Jun-woo and controlled the group that could negatively affect my school life.
「Hey, when did you ditch?」
I clicked my tongue and belatedly replied to the nagging message that had arrived three hours ago.
「ㅋㅋㅋI wasn’t feeling well.」
I deliberately sent it lightly because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was in this situation. I was mortified and ashamed that I had been hit by Han Jun-woo. And that too, because of Han Tae-san.
「Not feeling well?」
Go Yohan worrying about me. What is this? I turned off my phone as I felt a strange feeling suddenly come over me.
After a few hours, depression washed over me. I was depressed by the contact I received from Go Yohan. I had also received calls from some other friends I studied with, but that wasn’t what I wanted.
Among the people looking for me, Han Jun-woo was not there. I must be crazy. But I comforted myself by thinking that this was the fate of a person in crazy love.
Even knowing that, I lay down like an idiot and did what I was best at. I closed my eyes and ignored the truth.
“…I’m not the only one.”
Maybe Han Tae-san and I are in the same situation. Such a strange and twisted thought. And a selfish, nasty, and immature thought mixed with hope. As I lay in bed looking at the ceiling, I received another call. It was an unknown number.
「Jun-ah, are you in a lot of pain?」
I frowned. Who are the guys my age who call me Jun-i? Go Yohan. But this number isn’t Go Yohan’s. And as I was thinking about the next thing, I couldn’t help but lose my temper at the messages that kept coming in without a break.
「I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It’s all because of me.」
「I’m sorry」
「Please forgive me」
Whether it was three letters or four letters, anything and everything annoyed me to death, so I threw my phone on the floor. How did this guy get my number? No, how did a guy who doesn’t even have a phone send me a text message? Then I suddenly realized. Ah. I had called him before.
I cursed my dumbed-down thought process and roughly huffed and puffed. And to relieve my dirty mood, I punched the bed for a long time to vent my anger, but eventually got tired and fell asleep. Before my thoughts were cut off, the last words that remained flashed through my mind.
「Please don’t hate me.」
That’s funny. I’ve already hated you for months.
When I woke up the next morning, my face was swollen like a steamed bun.
I skipped school. No matter how exemplary I was, I wasn’t passionate about my studies enough to go to school with this face.
The housekeeper Auntie prepared lunch for me. She nagged me throughout the meal, telling me to be careful. Anyway, lunch was just easy-to-chew porridge and mushy side dishes like eggplant, so I just swallowed it all in one gulp.
I put down my spoon and was about to drink a glass of water when Auntie, who had come to clear the dishes, grabbed my bowl with one hand and said.
“Jun-i, a friend came a little while ago.”
“Yes?”
“Should I let him in?”
Friend. My heart trembled slightly at that word. Before I could even realize what emotion it was, I imagined the person standing at the door.
Could it be, by any chance, Han Jun-woo?
It seemed like a far-fetched imagination, but it was actually plausible. Not many of my high school friends came to my house. The guys who know my house are few and far between among my friends. If that’s the case, then he must have come to apologize because he was sorry for hitting me. Han Jun-woo had never hit me before. Yeah. He must have been very worried and concerned.
“Yes. You can.”
My imagination gradually turned into conviction. In my heart, I thought of myself as a simpleton, but I was still happy that I was still in a somewhat important position for Han Jun-woo. My heart was full. I quickly turned towards the front door and hurried my steps.
But the person waiting there was someone I hadn’t expected.
“Hey, hi.”
A sharply featured face playfully waved a bag as he came in, but stopped as soon as he saw my face. And he asked in a serious voice that wasn’t like him.
“What’s wrong with your face?”
I almost lost strength in my legs from the disappointment. How did Go Yohan know my house?
“…I fell.”
Go Yohan frowned at my answer, then twisted one side of his mouth and said.
“You were a real idiot.”
I didn’t particularly argue with that. I just stroked my swollen face with an embarrassed expression. The area around my cheek throbbed. Only then did I feel ashamed of myself from earlier. I’m definitely an idiot. Han Jun-woo doesn’t think of me as that important. And I’m a super idiot, a dog-like idiot who wagged its tail and harbored hope without even knowing that.
“Eat this.”
What Go Yohan brought was ice cream. As soon as I received the ice cream, I immediately opened the lid and checked the contents.
“…It’s Green tea flavor.”
“Is this Green tea flavor?”
“Never mind, what would you care.”
“That’s harsh.”
“Why did you come here?”
“What else, I came to visit you. Should I go in?”
“Hey, hey!”
His already long legs entered the house without hesitation.
“Where’s your room?”
“Hey, where are you going!”
“Where else, what else is there in your house?”
“……”
I have nothing to say. Yeah, a house is a house. I awkwardly followed Go Yohan. I’m the owner of the house, but. Go Yohan strangely seemed to be scanning the inside of the house with a somewhat persistent gaze. I wondered if he was looking for a room, so I vaguely pointed and guided him. After finally arriving at the room, I sat down and picked up a spoon, but Go Yohan ate two-thirds of it. Damn it.
“Are you an only child?”
Go Yohan, who was looking around the house while holding a spoon in his mouth, suddenly said. Does it show?
“Yeah. Why?”
“No, just. I kind of thought so.”
“I often hear that I have that kind of impression.”
“What kind of impression?”
“Just, that my parents seem to have given me a lot of love. Like an only child image.”
“Ugh…”
“What is it? Why the sudden expression?”
“I sometimes can’t get used to you.”
“Really? You have a funny expression for someone who says that.”
“It’s a little funny.”
“What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Are you also an only child?”
“No. I’m the second. The second of three siblings. Older brother, younger sister.”
“Doesn’t suit you…”
“Right? I often hear that I have the impression that my parents gave me a lot of love.”
“……”
Ah, so this is how it feels. I scratched my ear in embarrassment.
“That’s nice. Having siblings.”
“Is it good to have siblings?”
“I heard it’s good. When I hear kids talk, it’s like having another friend at home.”
“Those damn bastards. Those bastards lied to you. It’s so fucking awful.”
“……Is that so.”
“That’s right. Han Jun-woo started beating him up again.”
This is one of the characteristics that Go Yohan has, he often skipped the topic he was talking about out of the blue. It’s a really bad habit.
Go Yohan stopped talking and put the plastic spoon in his mouth. I lifted my head, which had been buried in the ice cream container, and looked at Go Yohan. Go Yohan sucked on the spoon, then scooped up a spoonful of ice cream and put it back in his mouth. Go Yohan, who was rolling the ice cream around in his mouth, waved the spoon in the air.
“You didn’t come to lunch yesterday, and later when I saw Han Tae-san coming to get his bag after class, his face was all red. Ugh. Too cruel. You ditched me. Han Jun-woo is doing weird things. The bastards ran to lunch like pigs. I ate tteokbokki outside all alone like an outcast.”
So, he’s saying that he went out alone during lunch and even ate tteokbokki. Even so, his accusing voice sounded quite wronged, which was absurd.
“Han Jun-woo hit Han Tae-san?”
“Yeah. Again.”
Go Yohan said it that way, but he didn’t seem worried at all.
At that time, I honestly felt a little relieved. A sense of relief washed over me that I wasn’t the only one who had been hit. I also felt a little schadenfreude.
Moreover, thinking about Han Jun-woo using violence even after creating the situation made me feel pathetic, and that stupidity was even considered fortunate. After listening to Go Yohan, the stuffy feeling I had been feeling all along seemed to be somewhat relieved.
“Is it funny?”
“No. What’s so funny about Han Tae-san getting hit.”
“You were laughing.”
“I didn’t laugh.”
“You did? Why are you like that? You’re mean. Laughing at the news of someone getting hit, and ditching me and running away alone.”
“Stop saying I ran away. Then you should skip school too.”
“You’re talking crazy. If my attendance is bad on top of my grades, I have to give up on life.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at the last thing Go Yohan said.
“Honestly, the last thing you said was funny. Right?”
I shook my head at Go Yohan, who was laughing and asking for agreement with his words.
“That’s not true. Your grades aren’t bad.”
“Wow. There’s someone who knows my grades. Even my parents don’t know my grades.”
“Are you touched?”
“Yeah. I almost cried. Tears were welling up in the corners of my eyes just now. Can you see? How moist it is.”
I craned my neck and looked at Go Yohan’s eyes. Contrary to his appearance, his eyelashes were long and dense. His eyelashes, which were so long and tangled, looked dry, not moist, perhaps because of Go Yohan’s cold impression.
“No, I can’t see anything.”
“What is it? You’re really too cold.”
Go Yohan, who was squinting his eyes and revealing his eyelashes, pouted his lower lip and showed that he was sulking.
“Still, I didn’t know that our Jun-i was so interested in me.”
Go Yohan is speaking in a sarcastic tone again.
“I didn’t know you thought of me enough to come to my house on your own.”
I retorted because I was annoyed by his tone, but Go Yohan, who received the words, only tapped his cheek with the fingers he had been resting on his chin. Only after his fingers, from his index finger to his little finger, had been falling quickly like raindrops a dozen times, did Go Yohan finally say.
“This is a bit hurtful.”
“What is?”
Go Yohan made a pathetic sad expression that he couldn’t even make properly, then suddenly said.
“Give me your hand.”
So I held out my right hand in front of Go Yohan, and he put one finger on my hand. The problem was that he didn’t put all five fingers on it, but only his middle finger.
“Eat shit.”
“Ah, seriously, this guy…”
After committing such pathetic acts, and after he finished his ice cream, Go Yohan, who had been begging me to come to school tomorrow because he was bored, finally seemed tired and showed signs of exhaustion. Just when I thought he should leave, he was already lying on my bed, shamelessly taking a nap.
“…When did he even climb up there?”
I was about to wake the unruly Go Yohan, but when I saw his sleeping face, I just sat on the sofa near the bed and spent some time. It seemed better not to wake him. I didn’t like it, but I decided to consider it the price for taking care of me.
Go Yohan woke up two hours later. As soon as he opened his eyes, he jumped up and hurriedly went home, leaving behind a bizarre excuse that he had to watch a drama. He was still a guy whose thoughts I couldn’t understand.
After sending Go Yohan away in a slipshod manner, I put a lot of medicine on my face and lay down on the bed.
Even if my cheek didn’t get better, I felt like I could go to school tomorrow for some reason.
Whether God helped me or it was purely the power of the medicine, I don’t know. When I woke up in the morning, my cheek had subsided quite a bit. There was still a slight swelling and a bluish tinge, but it was at a level that could be passed off as, “I just bumped into something lightly and got hurt.”
I went to school with a happy heart. But on the contrary, the classroom was gloomy. It was because of Han Jun-woo.
I instinctively looked for Han Tae-san. He arrived at school almost right before the first period started, barely avoiding being late.
“…”
The moment I saw Han Tae-san’s face, I was so surprised that I forgot to close my eyes. Han Tae-san’s face was such a sight that I felt sorry for even thinking that I wanted him to be beaten like me. His lips were all torn, and one eye was swollen as big as my cheek. A sense of guilt weighed heavily on me, and I felt suffocated. I was disgusted with myself for having such childish thoughts.
“This crazy…”
Han Tae-san, who had entered the classroom, looked around and saw my seat, and our eyes met. Han Tae-san looked at me like that for a while, then suddenly hardened his expression as if he realized he had forgotten. He stopped walking towards me, turned his head away, and sat down in his seat.
“…What.”
I felt strange at that questionable gesture. Without realizing it, I glanced around. I immediately understood the reason. Han Jun-woo was glaring at me as if he wanted to kill me.
“Ah, damn it.”
I should have just stayed home. Regret washed over me.
After that, Han Tae-san, who had been acting friendly towards me, didn’t try to talk to me even during breaks, and even disappeared somewhere with Han Jun-woo during lunchtime.
Left alone, I ate with Go Yohan. I desperately wanted to go out and find them, but I knew very well that I would only think about it and not actually do it.
I hope they’re not beating up Han Tae-san. It’s not my business to worry about, but when I see his face, it’s hard not to worry. On the other hand, Go Yohan, who didn’t seem to have any worries, was saying that he felt like he was finally alive.
“See? It was that scary. I almost got indigestion.”
“You were eating ice cream just fine yesterday.”
“Say I sucked it well.”
Go Yohan winked and smiled.
“You suck on ice cream, so…”
At that joke, I stopped eating and lightly hit Go Yohan’s calf. Go Yohan smiled slightly and scratched his chin. He seemed a little embarrassed for some reason. But that couldn’t be.
Life is unpredictable. From the first meeting, I had no intention of becoming close to Go Yohan, and I even disliked him. But now, the guy I’m closest to is Go Yohan.
His endlessly light attitude and tone prevent me from getting too deeply involved in situations.
I used to hate Go Yohan for being frivolous and lacking seriousness, but now I can endure it with composure because of that. If Han Jun-woo and I had been close all along, I would never have known.
After that day, Han Jun-woo would leave the group and disappear somewhere with Han Tae-san, or sometimes he would take some of them with him. Among them, there were guys who shook their heads, saying they wouldn’t follow with uneasy faces.
In particular, Park Dong-cheol ran into me while trying to jump over the fence to escape the homeroom teacher, and he told me that Han Jun-woo had told them to hit Han Tae-san one by one. I frowned at the absurdity, and Park Dong-cheol said that he was avoiding it these days because he was a bit uncomfortable with it, and that he was going to the PC cafe with Choi Ju-hwan, so don’t misunderstand, and then disappeared with a light tone.
Choi Ju-hwan was friends with Han Jun-woo in the first grade, but now they were in different classes and had grown a bit distant.
During lunchtime, I went to the playground and ate ice cream that I bought from the store with Go Yohan. The cold coolness that brushed against my tongue spread tinglingly. Unlike the cool ice cream, the lump of bitter pain was squeezing my heart, but I was enduring it with composure.
“Is that delicious?”
“Want a bite?”
Go Yohan, who was chewing on a dazzling ice cream, smacked his lips as he looked at my ice cream. Seeing that, I playfully put my ice cream, which was covered in my saliva, near Go Yohan’s mouth, and he, as always, pulled up one side of his lip and completely chewed it in one bite.
“Ah! You really ate it?”
“You told me to eat it.”
“Gross… And why did you eat so much?”
“It was just one bite?”
It was just one bite. Go Yohan smiled slightly and shrugged one shoulder. It was so peaceful. Unlike my painful heart, the weather was clear as we welcomed autumn.
Where are Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san now? Several places where they might be came to mind, but I didn’t go there. Maybe Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san are really there. I knew that fact well, so I couldn’t go.
I was so distressed that I tried not to think about Han Jun-woo. Then, I suddenly realized how much I usually thought about Han Jun-woo when I was trying so hard.
I don’t know how much time will have to pass, how much effort I will have to make, to not love you so that this thought fades like a newspaper with the ink evaporated. It felt like being stranded in an endless desert, and I was more scared and distressed than sad and frustrated.
So sometimes I took a step back. Like Osten Blue, struggling to see the footprints imprinted in front of him. Then, when I was in pain, I would talk to Go Yohan, and so on.
I suddenly asked Go Yohan.
“Hey, Go Yohan.”
“What.”
“…Will flowers ever bloom in a desolate desert?”
I was so embarrassed that I scratched my head because it was such an emotional thing to say. But Go Yohan didn’t make fun of me.
“They will.”
“…”
“They have to, or else life will be even more fucked up.”
When I heard those words that Go Yohan would never have said, I knew that this struggle for hope was all useless. How much time will have to pass before I give up on this useless heart?
“…Yeah. It’s fucked up.”
Han Jun-woo. You apricot-like bastard. Why are you trying to kill me, who is like a loyal dog wagging its tail whenever I see you? Han Jun-woo now came to school and left as he pleased, as if he had given up on all the promises that a teenager should keep. And Han Tae-san was always by his side.
As the situation became suspiciously beyond a certain level, the classroom was abuzz with anxiety and interest. I felt it again. It was not good that Han Jun-woo’s violence was becoming increasingly excessive, and that bad feelings about Han Jun-woo were spreading like fog in the classroom.
So when I encountered Han Jun-woo standing in the hallway, grabbing Han Tae-san’s wrist and dragging him out, I stood still, looking back and forth between Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san, and said.
“Father is worried.”
It’s a lie, neither an apology nor flattery. That was the limit of my pride. But Han Jun-woo is not close to his Father, so he might not even know this is a lie. Even if he does, I can say that I said that if he continues to act like this, he will be very worried someday.
I always create an escape route like this.
“If you’re going to cause trouble, just get hurt yourself. What did Han Tae-san do wrong?”
“Move.”
Han Jun-woo finally glares at me when I include Han Tae-san’s name in the conversation. My chest felt suffocatingly stuffy. Because I hate Han Jun-woo. And the pitiful and annoying Han Tae-san is stuck right next to Han Jun-woo, looking at me with eyes that look like he’s about to cry.
“Unless you want to get your ass beat like last time, move.”
“Jun, Jun-woo.”
Like last time. My chest tightened at those words. Han Tae-san stuttered urgently and called out to Han Jun-woo, and only then did he stop talking. His gaze is only on Han Tae-san. I could only see the back of Han Jun-woo’s head as he turned away from me.
“Th, Father is worried, I said.”
“…”
Han Tae-san stopped Han Jun-woo with tears in his eyes. How painful that pathetic melodrama was for me. I closed my eyes because it was so painful. Han Jun-woo looked at Han Tae-san and soon turned around and went into the classroom. And Han Jun-woo was in the classroom all day that day, just like he was a few weeks ago.
The day of the field trip that had been talked about for a while came. One day, we would rent a bus and go to some kind of fair. Some kids complained about taking high school sophomores, who were busy studying, somewhere, but most were happy to get away from school for even one day.
Since we were coming back soon anyway, there was no need to pack anything to eat, and the teachers only gave the kids a few words of advice.
It’s not like I’m a middle school student, so I’m not excited. There’s no way I can’t sleep at night. I just thought that today was a day to go without a bag and come back without a bag. But I had no idea that that day would be the day my sorrow would truly explode. I had expected it to come someday, but I didn’t know it would come so suddenly.
I was always next to Han Jun-woo in places other than the classroom. Because I was his best friend. I had never ridden in a car with Go Yohan, so I didn’t even think about where to sit.
So at first, I was wary of Go Yohan. I was afraid of losing the seat closest to Han Jun-woo, which is pathetic when I think about it now. It wasn’t me or Go Yohan who got to sit next to Han Jun-woo.
As soon as we arrived, I saw the bus in the playground and went up to find my class. The five seats in the very back were already occupied by close friends from the same class, who were chatting. Park Dong-cheol, who waved at me, hesitated for a moment and pointed to the seat where Han Jun-woo was.
“Kang Jun! There’s a seat here.”
“…Oh, okay.”
It was natural. Han Jun-woo’s seat was always mine. But today, I hesitated a little and stood next to Han Jun-woo. Fortunately, I sighed in relief when I saw the empty seat. I swallowed hard.
Because it was originally my seat. I wanted to give up my stubbornness and sit in that seat today, forgetting that I was beaten by Han Jun-woo because of Han Tae-san. Ironically, that was the price for the seat of friendship that I had been protecting. I fiddled with the top of the chair for a while, looked inside the bus, and asked in a small voice.
“Hey. The seat next to you…”
“This isn’t your seat. Go somewhere else.”
Before I could finish my sentence, Han Jun-woo said that and only looked at the entrance. Following his gaze, I saw Han Tae-san walking towards us. I closed my mouth and clenched my fists tightly.
“Okay, then.”
I said it as if I was as nonchalant as possible. Even though my heart was already torn to shreds.
I hurried away from the seat and looked around. And I found a place where one seat was empty. It was right in front of the seat where Go Yohan’s group was gathered. Go Yohan was in that seat. I thought it was good and quickly walked over and sat in the empty seat and said unilaterally.
“Hey. Go Yohan. Let’s sit together.”
Go Yohan didn’t answer. When I looked closely, he was already asleep. This guy always dozed off like this in the morning for some reason. I gave Go Yohan, who was banging his head against the window and sleeping, a pathetic look and stuffed my wallet between the window and his head and sat down next to him. And I leaned back in the uncomfortable chair.
A black-brown head could be seen over the opposite chair. It was Han Jun-woo’s head, who was taller than his peers. I couldn’t see it, but Han Tae-san was probably sitting next to him. Han Jun-woo must have grabbed Han Tae-san as he passed by. He must have quickly grabbed Han Tae-san’s hesitating arm and pulled him.
“…Idiots.”
Han Tae-san. I resented Han Tae-san again. Why is that moron so hopelessly stupid that he can’t get away from Han Jun-woo? How long will he live like that, like an idiot? How long will he live by asking for help from others? And how long will I have to help Han Tae-san?
“This is really fucked up…”
In the end, do I have to watch the two of them together like idiots? And when I belatedly realized that I was no different from Han Tae-san, my eyes turned cold.
I felt like I was going to cry a little, so I hid my face behind Go Yohan’s leaning body and lifted my unbuttoned school uniform top and covered my face. If I do this, everyone will think I’m sleeping. Then it’s okay to shed a few tears.
Go Yohan’s back, which had a cold face, was warmer than I thought.
It’s not surprising, but since the gym storage incident, Han Jun-woo has openly started to hate me. And at the same time, Han Jun-woo, who had at least pretended to listen to his parents, was now recklessly going beyond the line.
Now Han Jun-woo’s seat has completely become Han Tae-san’s.
I’m shameless at hiding my true feelings, but I couldn’t be someone who doesn’t know my shame and sticks my neck out. At least I don’t want to be a pathetic weakling. I don’t have the confidence to talk to Han Jun-woo in a friendly way as if nothing happened.
After that, I began to fall into depression and ennui. Or sometimes I was consumed by some wretched desire for revenge. But in the end, I endured.
Han Jun-woo, a bastard who can’t control his emotions, envied and envied me like a childish child. And it’s clear that the reason is Han Tae-san.
Whatever his intentions, I hated Han Tae-san even more. He wasn’t mine in the first place, but he not only took Han Jun-woo away from me, but also made him hate me. I couldn’t help but think he was a cruel guy.
Even if that wasn’t his intention, it didn’t matter to me. As you know, that’s how people’s hearts are. This was like me finding a substitute to resent in order to endure this situation.
But I have always made rational choices, and I know very well that Han Tae-san is just being swept away by Han Jun-woo, so I didn’t express any hostile feelings.
It was also because I was ashamed to show jealousy, and I knew that if I got angry at Han Tae-san here, I would be the only one who would become an idiot. If that happened, Han Jun-woo would hate me even more, and the people in the classroom would say that I’m a dirty and disgusting gay bastard.
“…It’s the worst.”
I really hate it so much. I hate it the most. I hate it so much I want to die. I hate it more than being hated by Han Jun-woo.
Then I suddenly thought of Go Yohan. I don’t know why I thought of Go Yohan, but I vaguely reasoned that it was because he was the most attached and hateful guy these days. If that guy knew that I had these thoughts, what would he say? Maybe something like this?
‘Jun-i, you bastard, I knew you were a disgusting gay bastard?’
The thought of Go Yohan looking at me with a contemptuous expression made me clench my fists tightly. I almost threw up at the terrible imagination. I never wanted to get caught.
Friendships are sometimes very shallow. As soon as it looked like Han Jun-woo and I had a fight, I naturally became a little awkward with Han Jun-woo’s group. The funny thing is, Lee Seok-hyun, who is the most isolated in Go Yohan’s group, suddenly started talking to me yesterday about a trivial topic.
“Kang Jun, Go Yohan was looking for you earlier.”
“Oh? Why?”
“I don’t know, he was just looking for you?”
“…”
It was exactly these kinds of topics. Topics that were unhelpful and whose reasons I didn’t understand. Seeing that, it seemed I now appeared to others to be closer to Go Yohan’s group than Han Jun-woo’s.
Of course, our relationship hadn’t been severed cleanly. Occasionally, if we met during gym class or by chance on the way to school, we’d exchange greetings as if just checking in. Though that was only with Park Dong-cheol.
“Kang Jun! Hi.”
“……Hi.”
I remembered what Park Dong-cheol had said hesitantly during one awkward greeting.
‘Han Jun-woo, he’s been acting weird lately. The way he acts towards Han Tae-san, I mean. Isn’t it kind of creepy?’
At that, I made an unpleasant face. Thinking that was agreement, he went on to tell stories about how Han Tae-san was forcibly dragged to sit down, or how his arm was grabbed and bitten.
I clenched my fists tightly and said with force in my teeth.
‘I’m not at all curious about that kind of dirty talk.’
Park Dong-cheol then quickly shut his mouth.
Park Dong-cheol had been trying to act friendly with Go Yohan and his friends lately. Like someone who wanted to subtly break away from Han Jun-woo’s group. Maybe the reason he said those things to me was because he wanted to become friends with me. And today, as always, only Go Yohan and I remained in the classroom, separated from the group.
Go Yohan leaned his back against the wall at the very back of the classroom. Then he quietly looked down at me. Whether he was ignoring me or what. Feeling bad, I turned my head away and ignored him back.
“Jun-ah.”
“What.”
“Let’s go get ice cream after school. That one we had last time was good.”
Go Yohan ignored me ignoring him. As he said that, Go Yohan threw the rubber ball he was holding haphazardly anywhere in the classroom. The rubber ball, having lost its direction, bounced around, threatening the other kids. The kids frowned and stared at the wildly bouncing rubber ball, but couldn’t say anything to Go Yohan.
Go Yohan didn’t care about that atmosphere at all. He was quite an indifferent person. And selfish, too. I frowned at the rubber ball bouncing around and, after holding back once, opened my mouth. His arrogant behavior bothered me, so the words didn’t come out nicely.
“Wasn’t that the flavor you bought because you liked it? You ate it all.”
“No, well, it’s not really that. I just like green.”
“What, you didn’t consider my opinion at all?”
“How would I know your opinion? You didn’t tell me.”
Before I knew it, the rubber ball had lost its way and was rolling around somewhere on the classroom floor. Go Yohan spread his hand out in the air and shook it. Then one of the students who was closest to the rubber ball kept looking around, picked it up, and awkwardly approached and placed it on Go Yohan’s hand. Go Yohan, shaking the rubber ball that had been nicely delivered, said to the student who was returning to his seat.
“Thanks, loser.”
His personality is really annoying.
Calling people losers, calling people nerds. Every word he says is unpleasant. Even with Go Yohan having such an unpleasant personality, why is he being friendly with me, who is lower in the hierarchy, instead of Han Jun-woo? I can’t understand it. He always eats with me, takes classes with me, sits with me. It’s true that Han Jun-woo doesn’t show up in the first place, but it’s definitely a situation where he could contact him personally. This question was a thought that came to mind very quickly, so I asked casually.
“Why don’t you hang out with Han Jun-woo these days?”
Go Yohan, who had been throwing and catching the rubber ball against the wall, stopped abruptly. Then he made a face as if he didn’t understand what I was saying.
“You fought with him.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. You and Han Jun-woo.”
“So. I’m the one who fought. Why you?”
“You’re saying really weird things. It’s because you’re my friend.”
Go Yohan scanned me up and down. I subtly avoided that strangely blatant gaze and asked back.
“You’re friends with Han Jun-woo.”
“Wow. You’re really funny. Then aren’t you a friend?”
Go Yohan pointed at me with his finger in a tone that was now even absurd.
“No, I’m a friend too. But you were also friends with Han Jun-woo. Why are you taking my side?”
“Well. It’s because I’ve been friends with you longer.”
“What are you talking about? You and I became friends because of Han Jun-woo.”
“Hey. What are you talking about! We were friends in the first grade!”
“When were we?”
“Damn it, you’re really a bad guy. Really. Wow. We always made eye contact in the cafeteria!”
“Ah……. That time.”
“So, was I the only one who thought we were friends then? Hey, you scammer. That’s why I went to talk to you first thing when we were in the same class. Wow. You don’t remember? You’re really disappointing.”
“Ah.”
“Wow. Crazy. Wow……. How could you do this to me……. Wow.”
“Okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
I hurriedly mumbled apologies and recalled that awkward, and strangely frequent, gaze we exchanged in the first grade.
I felt uncomfortable about that, but in your case, it fell within the ‘realm of friendship.’ If that’s the case, then I’m wronged too. How can you see that gaze as goodwill? It was complete hostility. Wait, then the one who said let’s eat together, wasn’t Han Jun-woo, but me?
I was overwhelmed with bewilderment when I realized that the facts I knew were completely the opposite. It’s a bit shocking. But since I don’t want to get involved anyway, I nodded as if I understood.
“Okay. I get it. I’m sorry.”
“I was really upset just now.”
Go Yohan glanced at me and said. I can’t understand that guy’s way of thinking sometimes.
“And it’s because Han Jun-woo is really weird.”
“……”
“That bastard, he’s totally crazy right now. He was always a bit crazy, but now, well.”
A long hand held the rubber ball with four fingers, and the remaining index finger circled his temple two or three times. Watching that action, I thought of Park Dong-cheol. And the other friends of Han Jun-woo who spoke to me.
The only thing that could be known from that fact was that Han Jun-woo’s reputation was currently plummeting.
‘Gay’.
The most terrifying Stigma in the world of eighteen-year-olds made me tremble slightly again with fear. At the same time, the thought that I was glad I hadn’t been caught was proof that I cherished myself more than Han Jun-woo? With trembling anxiety, I looked at Go Yohan’s face. Like an impious priest hiding a secret before God.
“Oh, right, me.”
At that moment, I snorted. It was a very strange laugh, mixed with fear and mockery.
It’s a little funny that Go Yohan’s best friend, in the eyes of other kids, is me. The truth is, I’m also a criminal branded with an impious Stigma. Besides, just a few months ago, I was Han Jun-woo’s close friend. I’m in the place where I ran away from the dirty trap.
I just haven’t been caught.
It was dawn. Suddenly, I received a call from an unsaved number. A call at 4 a.m. I woke up abruptly in the early morning, and I thought what was happening was a dream. I hadn’t looked for Han Jun-woo all this time to avoid getting hurt, but my heart fluttered, wondering if the call was from Han Jun-woo.
I hurriedly rubbed my eyes and checked again who had sent the message. My mind was complicated. I even wished it was a common illegal message telling me to take out a loan or something. But the moment I read the contents, I knew that this call was not from Han Jun-woo.
「Jun-ah. Sorry to contact you so early in the morning. Could you come out to your house for a moment? I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.」
「Just once. Just once.」
There’s no way Han Jun-woo would apologize to me.
There are two people among my peers who call me Jun-i, and only one of them is so servile. By the way, how did Han Tae-san know my house? I frowned as soon as I saw the screen. I don’t want to see Han Tae-san or anyone like him. He’s always been an unpleasant guy.
But contrary to those thoughts, I got out of bed, put on my clothes, and got up. I couldn’t even step over the threshold, so I stood still in front of the door, put my forehead against the door, and sighed.
“……Damn it.”
It’s complicated. I feel like I have indigestion. My stomach feels stuffy. That’s all I can say. I beat my chest. I’ve always received good grades, and I’m confident that I know a variety of words as much as I’ve read a lot of books, but the words I know couldn’t fully express this complex and subtle thought.
It was just complicated. Hatred for Han Tae-san, Han Tae-san’s face dyed purple that day, and the feelings I felt during the days of struggling to separate the two even for a moment. Everything was mixed up. I bit my lip and fiddled with the doorknob a few times, then closed my eyes and rotated my wrist greatly.
The cold morning dew in the garden was proof of autumn. I walked on the cold marble stones between the grass to avoid the dew. The early morning was quite cold, so I fastened the front of my clothes tightly. My toes sticking out from the front of my slippers finally stood in front of the gate.
I paused for a moment, then clicked my tongue weakly and grabbed the handle. As the sound of the interlocking hinges bending rang out, I hunched my body and opened it even more slowly. When I opened the door, Han Tae-san was standing on the asphalt illuminated by the streetlights, wearing his Seasonal uniform. He was looking down and doodling on the ground with the toe of his shoe.
“……Han Tae-san.”
At my call, Han Tae-san raised his head like lightning.
“Jun, Jun-ah!”
“What? Why are you here.”
“I, I’m sorry. No, thank you for coming out. Thank you so much. Really.”
With those words, Han Tae-san suddenly burst into tears. I sighed again and looked closely at Han Tae-san’s appearance. A tattered, worn-out Seasonal uniform that had become rags again, a torn right eye, a swollen cheek. Dried bloodstains on his philtrum. I stood still in that spot and looked at everything Han Tae-san had.
Finally, what I did was approach Han Tae-san, push his shoulder slightly, and bring him into the house.
The indigestion won’t go away.
Without realizing it, I grabbed Han Tae-san’s shoulder tightly. Between Han Tae-san’s clothes and skin that had opened in that gap was Han Jun-woo’s twisted love. The moment Han Tae-san flinched, I hurriedly took my hand off his shoulder.
Opening the front door, I shook my head as I looked at the number of shoes on the floor. Both of my parents are overseas, and the live-in housekeeper Auntie uses another building. There would be no chance of being caught with an unpleasant guest who came in at night. My safety was more important than Han Tae-san’s safety.
“Let’s go into my room for now.”
I pushed Han Tae-san’s shoulder. Han Tae-san only cried silently and walked slowly in the direction I was pushing. Arriving at the room, I told Han Tae-san to sit on the sofa. He stood in front of the sofa in an awkward posture, hesitating, then looked at me and shook his butt hard with the palm of his hand before barely sitting on the edge. That was even more annoying.
“Just sit comfortably.”
“O, okay.”
“Wait here for a moment.”
Leaving Han Tae-san in the room, I went out to the living room to find the medicine I had used and went back up to the room. Even when I returned, Han Tae-san was sitting uncomfortably on the edge of the chair. I narrowed my brows, strode over, placed the box next to him, and pushed Han Tae-san’s shoulder back.
He made a dumb sound, oh, oh, and stiffened his body. In the meantime, I took out the ointment from the box and threw it to Han Tae-san.
“Apply this first.”
“Huh?”
“Yeah. On the injured areas. Here, your lips. They’re still bleeding.”
“O, okay.”
I felt frustrated as Han Tae-san hesitated to open the ointment, so I snatched the ointment from his hand. And quickly opened the lid and handed it back to Han Tae-san. While Han Tae-san was slowly looking at the ointment, I turned my eyes to the box and looked for a pack to reduce the swelling that might still be left.
I took out the pack I found in the second compartment, tore open the packaging, and looked at Han Tae-san. Han Tae-san was putting medicine on his fourth finger and touching his lips lightly. What are you doing. I sighed and put my hand on Han Tae-san’s cheek. As soon as my hand touched him, he was startled to the point of being annoying, so I complained subtly.
“Don’t move.”
Then he really stopped like that. I was dumbfounded and tilted my head slightly. What are you doing. Every single thing he did was annoying. Apply the medicine. The medicine. I put the pack on the cheek I was holding.
“Did Han Jun-woo do this?”
At my words, Han Tae-san nodded slowly.
“You know.”
“O, okay?”
“There’s something I’m curious about.”
“……Okay.”
“Why don’t you transfer schools?”
Han Tae-san curled his small fingertips and stopped quietly. I felt frustration and pity again at Han Tae-san’s actions and snatched the ointment from his hand. After squeezing some ointment roughly onto my index finger, I applied the ointment to the torn eye. Han Tae-san trembled every time my finger touched him.
It’s annoying. Really. It wasn’t until I had applied it to the small wounds on his temples and forehead that Han Tae-san opened his mouth.
“I can’t…… transfer.”
“Why?”
“……My house. I can’t move. I, I live with my grandmother.”
“If it’s because you don’t have money, I’ll lend it to you. No, I’ll just give it to you. I can help you with the deposit for a small studio apartment. Or you can report it as a victim of school violence. I’ll help you.”
I took my hand off the ointment. I said it in a kindly manner, but no matter how I thought about it, it was a word covered in selfish greed. But Han Tae-san didn’t seem to feel that way at all. I could clearly see Han Tae-san smiling faintly.
“S, sometimes, Jun-i, you seem to say amazing things so casually.”
What is this about. I just frowned, and Han Tae-san made a sad face.
“But, right now, my, my grandmother is sick.”
“……”
“Um, she has cancer……. Pancreatic cancer.”
“Ah ah-. Cancer.”
I nodded mechanically. And said as if sympathizing.
“That must be hard.”
“Not, not necessarily……. There’s still hope, and they say it was discovered relatively early, so there’s hope.”
“……”
“Um, there, there’s something.”
“Yeah.”
“Th, thank you. Really.”
“It’s nothing.”
“Jun-i is really kind and……. Seems like a good, kid.”
“……I’m not really like that.”
I stammered for no reason because of the sudden prick of guilt. Han Tae-san stopped talking again, then hesitated a little before starting to talk.
“Wh, when we lived in the countryside. The treatment……, the treatment, they said it’s better to do it in Seoul……. My grandmother said it was okay, but I insisted on moving to Seoul. Because there’s an inheritance my parents left me……. Ah, my, my parents died in a car accident. When I was young……. I said let’s move with that. My grandmother said no, it’s for my college tuition, but I forced her to. I said I wanted to go to college in Seoul, so I have to learn in Seoul.”
“Yeah.”
“A, after moving, I tricked my grandmother into going to the hospital by saying let’s go on a trip, and I dragged her, so my grandmother was, was dragged along. I wondered if I was this, this, strong, and I wondered if my grandmother was this weak……. I forced her to start chemotherapy……. Um. I started it……. To that grandmother, I, um. I……. When things got really bad, my grandmother was in the hospital, so it was okay……. Th, that, to my grandmother, I came to Seoul and like that……. That story. I can’t, can’t tell her.”
“……”
“I can’t do it……”
Han Tae-san’s voice, who had put his feet on the sofa, buried his face in his knees, and curled up his body, was full of tears. I bit my lip. Damn it.
I can’t properly identify what was so annoying. I didn’t want to think deeply. I rolled my lip into my mouth, put force on it, and then took it out again.
“Is your grandmother home today?”
“U, okay?”
“I thought you came to my house because your grandmother was home. Is that not it?”
“……U, okay. I’m sorry. Really……”
“I’ll get you a pillow and clothes to change into, so sleep here tonight.”
Of course, there was a room for guests, but I didn’t bother to prepare it for Han Tae-san. Looking at Han Tae-san’s face now, it was obvious. It was clear that there would be nothing good for me if the fact that Han Tae-san was here was discovered. But that ‘Kang Jun’ couldn’t coldly kick someone out.
It might have been better to pretend I didn’t receive the call.
I took a pillow from my bed and looked for clothes to wear to sleep and a blanket to cover up in the dressing room across the room. And threw it on the sofa where Han Tae-san was sitting.
“Cover yourself and sleep. It’ll be uncomfortable, so change into this.”
“……Really, thank you so much.”
“You don’t have to thank me. Just change and sleep. And I’ll prepare a place for you to sleep for the time being. If your grandmother is worried, make an excuse that you’re studying with me. I’ll make the call for you if you need it.”
“Ah, Jun-i is good at studying, so……”
“Yeah. That’s right.”
As soon as I answered, Han Tae-san gave a strange smile. It looked like a grimace because of his swollen face. I frowned, embarrassed by the sudden smile, and Han Tae-san waved his hand in the air. Then, in a voice trembling as he tried to hold back his laughter, he made an excuse.
“No, I just, I just thought you were subtly unique…”
“What do you mean?”
“No, never mind. Nothing.”
Now Han Tae-san was even covering his face, snickering.
I was annoyed by Han Tae-san’s questionable behavior. But I couldn’t tell him to stop laughing, so I turned away with a frown and went into bed. Han Tae-san seemed to laugh there for a long time, then kept glancing at me from behind the sofa as he changed his clothes.
I slightly raised myself and looked at Han Tae-san’s back as he changed. His back, stained blue and purple, was clearly visible. Han Tae-san, worried about stretching my clothes, carefully changed, then suddenly turned his head and looked at me while adjusting his front. But Han Tae-san seemed more surprised, blushing and lowering his head.
“Why?”
“Ah, nothing…”
Then he glanced at me, raised his head, and lowered the eyebrow above his torn eye.
“…Is your cheek okay?”
Shit. I reflexively covered the part Han Jun-woo hit with my palm and hid under the blanket. Fucking Han Tae-san. I was filled with embarrassment and humiliation. I shouldn’t have helped him.
“Sorry, I’m really, really sorry… I’m sorry for even causing you, causing you trouble.”
Shit. Shit. I cursed countless times. The only curses I knew were shit, idiot, and fucking, which I had picked up from Han Jun-woo or Go Yohan. I swallowed the rising annoyance and spat out,
“Just sleep. It’s okay.”
After those words, I didn’t hear Han Tae-san’s voice.
As the melancholy of dawn pressed down on me, trying to force me into sleep, a sound broke the heavy silence. I groped around, searching for the source of the sound. The brightly shining light stabbed my eyes, and I blinked rapidly several times. The words that shook me were written on the phone screen.
‘Han Jun-woo’
I hesitated for a long time in front of that name. As the hesitation grew longer, the call ended. But the phone turned on again, stabbing my eyes and worries. I got up. Han Tae-san was quiet, as if he had fallen asleep. I looked back and forth between Han Tae-san and the number on the phone, and finally turned off the sound.
But Han Jun-woo’s commotion didn’t stop there. I faintly heard the sound of the doorbell from downstairs. I listened to the familiar little sound. The sound that rang once rang continuously, and now only the front part of the sound was repeated without stopping. It was Han Jun-woo.
If such a loud noise is made, the resident Housekeeper Auntie will wake up. As soon as I realized that fact, I got out of bed, opened the door, and ran in a hurry.
This is really fucking bullshit.
As soon as I hurriedly crossed the garden and opened the gate, I had to dodge a flying rock to the side. This bastard threw a rock at our gate. I was so surprised that I froze. But Han Jun-woo didn’t apologize or worry about me almost getting hit by the rock. He just pushed me away and headed into the house as he pleased.
“Hey, Han Jun-woo! Where do you think you’re going?”
Han Jun-woo didn’t answer me and ran. I closed the gate and hurriedly followed him, but there was no way I could catch up with Han Jun-woo’s speed. I was anxious.
How did Han Jun-woo get here? How did he know Han Tae-san was here?
Well, Han Tae-san, who has no friends, has nowhere else to go but our house. I’m going crazy. Nothing works out because of the things Han Tae-san causes. I tried to suppress my complicated and dizzy head and took a deep breath.
“Where’s Han Tae-san!”
“Be quiet! Han Jun-woo!”
“Hey! Han Tae-san!”
“Everyone can hear you, so be quiet!”
Han Jun-woo opened every room, yelling loudly. I quietly lowered my voice and called Han Jun-woo, but Han Jun-woo instead pushed me, who was trying to stop him, and knocked me over. And when I bit my lip in humiliation and got up, Han Jun-woo had already gone up the stairs and finally opened my room door.
“Shit. Why is Han Tae-san here?”
Due to the continuous connection of unbelievable situations, my head went blank and my body forcibly collapsed. Han Jun-woo pressed my head to the floor. I couldn’t escape even if I tried, and I couldn’t lift my head even if I tried.
I could clearly feel Han Jun-woo pressing down on my head with all his might. I desperately grabbed Han Jun-woo’s arm. I tried to twist and break free somehow, but Han Jun-woo gave even more strength, as if to break my head.
“Hey! Let go of this!”
I unknowingly screamed. It was terrible. This situation that suddenly rushed at me was unbearably painful. I struggled with all my might. And the sound of Han Tae-san calling my name was clearly heard from inside my room.
“…Jun-ah. J, Jun-ah!”
“You fucking, shitty bastard!”
As soon as he saw Han Tae-san’s pale face, Han Jun-woo kicked my body and pushed me hard.
I rolled down the stairs without being able to grab anything and hit my head on the floor. For a moment, my head spun so much that I didn’t know which way was up or down. As I lost consciousness halfway, I heard Han Jun-woo’s voice.
“Jun-ah! Han, Jun-woo-ah. Wait, just wait.”
“Shit, watch carefully. Han Tae-san.”
“Jun, Jun-woo-ah. Please. Please. I’ll do everything you tell me to do, I did everything.”
“What did you do? You fucking bastard. Shut up and watch carefully. How did I end up because of you! How dare you do this to me. Shit. You son of a bitch. Watch how pathetic and shitty Kang Jun, who you like so much, becomes because of you.”
“I told you it’s not what you think, please.”
Han Tae-san stood next to Han Jun-woo, just crying. If he was going to stop him, he should have done it properly, but he couldn’t even grab Han Jun-woo and just stood there, trembling. I grabbed my forehead, supported myself on the floor, and shouted loudly.
“Hey! Han Jun-woo!”
I desperately called Han Jun-woo’s name. But soon my voice turned into a groan. My stomach hurt, my arm hurt, my head hurt, and my body lost control and rolled on the floor. I was being beaten by Han Jun-woo.
“No. Jun-woo-ah, I was wrong. Jun-woo-ah. Jun-woo-ah. Please, please. I was wrong.”
“Fucking son of a bitch. Die, you bastard.”
“St, stop it. Please. Please. I won’t even talk to Jun, no. I won’t even look at Kang Jun, as you say!”
And I finally burst into tears in front of Han Jun-woo.
I’m so upset. So upset. I can’t be this upset. Han Jun-woo. How could you do this? How could you tear my heart to shreds? What did I do to you? Did I even confess, did I even force my feelings on you?
Tears didn’t stop and dripped onto the floor. I could see that even in my daze. How could you do this to me just because Han Tae-san treats me specially? It’s unfair. I was still your close friend. It’s unfair. In the meantime, I was covering my face with my arms.
Even though I was being hit in the stomach, my chest hurt. Because being caught by others for being hit was more painful than the pain in my body.
“Shit, Kang Jun is such a pathetic bastard. Crying like a baby.”
Through my fallen vision, I see Han Jun-woo grabbing Han Tae-san’s wrist and dragging him away. The moment Han Jun-woo’s body touched Han Tae-san, Han Tae-san gagged and vomited on the floor. He’s covering his mouth while trembling, and Han Jun-woo is stroking Han Tae-san’s cheek while looking at that. Han Tae-san was horrified and fell over while twisting his body, and Han Jun-woo cursed again and forcibly picked up Han Tae-san and dragged him out.
In the meantime, I didn’t give up and struggled to get up, grabbed my stomach that was hurting like it was tearing, and followed them. Han Tae-san struggled violently and kept turning back to look at me. His eyes were strangely anxious. I feel bad. Annoying Han Tae-san.
I could only see the two of them in front of me. I felt resentment towards Han Jun-woo, and anger and jealousy towards Han Tae-san. I reached out and grabbed the traces of the two people ahead of me. I came out to the front gate and barely grabbed the hem of Han Tae-san’s clothes. Han Tae-san stopped, and then Han Jun-woo also stopped.
Han Jun-woo turned around and looked at me, and I glared, but what came back was violence. Han Jun-woo grabbed my shoulder and pushed me, and I staggered and fell to the floor.
“Shit, now, please just get lost! You damn bastard! Please don’t interfere!”
Han Jun-woo shouts at me. My chest hurts. Bad guy. Bad guy. Han Jun-woo to kill. Han Jun-woo I want to kill. Han Jun-woo grabbed Han Tae-san’s hand and headed for the road.
I hurriedly tried to follow them, supported myself on the floor with my hands, and got up awkwardly. It was that moment.
Ting.
It sounded like a mechanical sound. Did I hear it wrong? The moment I doubted, I heard the sound of a window closing, ‘Clack!’ Suddenly, goosebumps ran up my spine from my tailbone. Silence came to my world.
No. No.
I kept my eyes on their backs and hurriedly ran away into the house.
Where is it? Where did the sound come from?
I quickly closed the gate and hid behind it, thinking. My thoughts were only this. Did they see it? Who saw it? Did they see me? My heart is pounding severely. A hammer is hitting my heart, and my surprised heart is jumping out. Which house is it? Did they hear it? No, did they hear it? Did they know it was me?
I hurried in, locked the door, and just breathed heavily. I gradually calmed down in the silence. Then, Han Jun-woo’s voice, which was tormenting me, crawled out again and was heard in my head.
‘You pathetic loser.’
I distorted my face full of tears. Hot heat rises from my distorted face. I curled up on the carpet and cried. At that time, Han Jun-woo really trampled on me like a bug.
What’s even sadder is that I had to wipe up the vomit that Han Tae-san had made in order not to be caught for the early morning riot. I held my breath and bent down, and snot kept flowing from my nose, so I inhaled. The area around my eyes became hot and my vision blurred. Liquid dripped onto the back of my hand. Sniff. I sniffed.
When I washed the rag in the sink, I looked in the mirror. My nose was full of blood. My head was spinning.
When I woke up, I was sprawled on my bed. Even in my dazed state, I had managed to lock the door and come in and collapse.
“Amazing, even in the midst of all this. Me.”
As I lay still, blinking, my whole cheek gradually became numb. I lifted the hand that was easiest to move. My shoulder moved stiffly as if the cartilage had rusted, and a pain that pierced my bones stabbed between my arms.
“Ouch…”
When I touched the painful parts of my body with my hard-won hand, the soft flesh felt hard. I lay face down for a while, then supported myself on the floor with the hand that had been stroking my face and got up.
I sat on the bed, staring blankly at the wall, and suddenly burst into tears. A whining voice crawled out of my vocal cords and burst out of my mouth, and my throat hurt as if it was damaged, and a rough pain came up.
Unable to contain my anger, I got up and threw everything I could grab. I cried and vented my anger for a long time, then just sat down on the floor. I pressed my lips tightly and closed my eyes. But even then, my eyes became dry and tears flowed down my head.
“Damn it!”
I really want to die.
But what I really wanted to die from was last night.
The window was definitely closed. Did they hear it? Who heard it? Damn it. Damn it. Fucking Han Jun-woo. Pathetic Han Tae-san. Why did you come to my house! Why are you twisting my life like this.
“…Damn it.”
What Han Jun-woo trampled on in front of Han Tae-san was my pride. That was more painful than Han Jun-woo avoiding me or hating me, and it was so unfair that I couldn’t help but cry.
But even in the moment of releasing my emotions through tears, I am conscious of the gaze of others. This moment was one of those moments.
Suddenly feeling the silence, I closed my mouth. I looked at the clock. It was almost 8 o’clock. Suddenly, I realized that it would be very difficult to face the Housekeeper Auntie in this state. At the same time, my head cooled down.
My mind returned to reason. I didn’t want to show this embarrassing and ugly figure to anyone. The urgent feeling quickly made me get up, raise the chair, and shove all the things I had thrown under the bed. And I waited for the Housekeeper Auntie to knock on the door. A few minutes later, when I heard the sound of knocking on the door as if promised, I said as normally as possible.
“Don’t come in. I think I have a cold. I don’t feel well. I’m going to take a day off from school today.”
“Really? Are you sure you don’t need to go to the hospital?”
I swallowed the fishy-tasting saliva.
“I’ll go when I feel a little better.”
“Oh my. Then shall I make you some porridge?”
“Then please bring it to the front of the room. Please.”
“Okay. Jun-i student. Wait a little bit?”
I decided to take a day off from school. I was in no mood to go, and I couldn’t go anyway.
Fortunately, the medicine was scattered in the room, and I picked it up and applied it thickly to the painful areas, hoping to get better as soon as possible. Later, I went back to bed.
I threw the medicine I was holding in my hand on the floor.
My whole body was shivering. I was upset. I was more hurt by the upset than by my body. I felt like my stomach was being pinched by small fingers. It’s mean. In order to hide my face full of sadness, I blocked all the light coming in through the window, and dug into the blanket and hid. It felt like the only thing that could protect me from the sadness pressing down on me was the blanket.
I have to sleep. I have to sleep. I forced my eyes shut. It’s okay. My parents don’t know, and Han Jun-woo isn’t the type to spread the word about what happened last night, it’s okay.
I thought that and dug into the blanket.
No, in fact, it’s not okay at all.
In fact, I was spewing out the words that had been circling in my mouth while hiding in the blanket. Words that I wanted to pour out to anyone, whether it was God or my parents, were falling like a waterfall.
Please. Han Jun-woo did it. Han Jun-woo hit me. He trampled on me. You piece of trash. Han Jun-woo is a crazy bastard. He’s crazy. That bastard is out of his mind. Because of that Han Tae-san, me. How did we spend a year together? What kind of feelings did I have for Han Jun-woo for a year? Han Jun-woo crushed it. In front of Han Tae-san. I’m an idiot. And I showed that figure in front of Han Tae-san. Besides, if I think that someone saw this terrible situation.
I stopped the rambling of thoughts. Self-loathing rises. I feel like I want to kill myself.
What’s even sadder is that the first thing I did after crying in the blanket was to hurriedly delete all the text messages and call records that Han Tae-san had sent last night. Late at night, I just deleted the entire dawn recording file of the CCTV installed in front of the gate. Because the events of that dawn were a flaw that I didn’t want anyone to know, that I didn’t want anyone to see.
I took three days off from school. Unlike my hideous appearance, my body was recovering smoothly.
Perhaps because I turned my body well to avoid the noticeable parts while being hit, or because my body, which had been eating well and living well, wasn’t that weak, there weren’t many visible wounds. There were no fatally large wounds, and only a few dark red bruises hidden inside my clothes. For those three days, I stayed in bed, crying and crying again. I ignored all the contacts that came to me.
I was planning to endure like this until I was all better, but unfortunately, my parents, who had been away from home for a long time, suddenly returned. I couldn’t help but be embarrassed.
“…Son, what’s wrong with your face?”
“Ah, that’s…”
“Did you fight with someone? No, you said you were sick. You said you had a cold?”
I quickly racked my brains at my Father’s questioning.
“Ah, because I was sick. A friend received the School notice for me instead…”
“Received it?”
“I was going to receive it and somehow got into a fight.”
“What?”
“I, I didn’t fight badly. Just a little… I fell and hit my face on the floor.”
“What kind of fight makes a kid’s face like this? Who is he!”
When my Father shouted loudly, I panicked and waved my hand.
“No, I just don’t want to cause trouble. We didn’t have a serious fight, and we made up.”
“Let’s hear it, what did you fight about?”
“……That’s.”
I thought hard, then recalled the truly pathetic reason.
“I teased him because his girlfriend dumped him.”
“What?”
The absurd answer seemed to save me. Father, who had been sighing in disbelief, suddenly burst into laughter.
“What, are you guys teenagers?”
“No……”
“Don’t do that again.”
“……Yes.”
Also, it seemed I got away with it because my face wasn’t too messed up. I was relieved.
Something a little strange also happened. We were eating dinner together, and while we were having fruit in the living room, Mother asked about Han Jun-woo as if she had suddenly remembered.
“Come to think of it, are you still close with Jun-woo these days?”
“Pardon?”
“No, it’s just that Jun-woo doesn’t seem to come over to the house much these days.”
What could people who are away from home more often than they’re here be curious about? The thought of Han Jun-woo, whom I didn’t even want to think about, forcibly popping into my head ruined my mood. Because of that, I answered a little curtly.
“It’s the same as always, I guess.”
The same my ass. Ass. Ass. I’m so ashamed and humiliated that I want to die right now.
“The Auntie said that another friend came to visit a few days ago. Are you close with that friend?”
My body stiffened. I slowly turned my head and looked at the kitchen. The housekeeper Auntie was diligently wiping the table. My blood ran cold. Did she hear? Did she hear? Back then? Could she have heard the sound? Or, could it have been Auntie?
“Jun-ah? What’s wrong?”
Startled by Mother’s question, I blurted out an answer.
“Yes. We’re close.”
What did Mother say then? I don’t remember because of the fear that made me feel like my body was buried in the ground. One thing I felt for sure was that when Mother mentioned Han Jun-woo, she looked at me with the same expression she had when she was about to say something bad.
Why?
That fact drove me further into fear. My fingertips turned cold. No. There’s no way she could have heard. The housekeeper Auntie is hard of hearing, and her living quarters are in a corner of the mansion where I live. There’s no way she could have heard. But why? Why, why? But there was nothing I could do. Except pray to a god I didn’t even believe in.
After another three days, I was gradually encouraged to go to school. I absolutely didn’t want to go. But if I kept avoiding going to school like this, Mother would obviously think there was a bigger problem than just a slight quarrel with a friend. That would be the worst. So, of course, I had to smile with a happy face. As if I had no problems at all.
From then on, until I went to school, I worried all day about what to do if I met Han Jun-woo or Han Tae-san. Would Han Jun-woo beat me to death again? In front of the other kids, or in front of Han Tae-san? And would he ignore and trample on me again?
I felt like I was going to throw up.
As soon as I arrived at school, I hung my bag next to my desk and threw any notebook on the desk. Then, as I sat blankly at my desk staring into space, the hallway gradually became noisy. As soon as I heard the sound of people, I immediately buried my head on the desk.
“……”
If I pretended to be asleep, I wouldn’t get caught with my messy face. At least for a little while. But what I hadn’t thought about was that Go Yohan was in the seat behind me. Go Yohan was the type to pretend he didn’t notice even when he did.
As soon as Go Yohan arrived, he stood next to my desk, put his hand between my shoulder and neck, and used his fingers to push my face up. I couldn’t resist the sudden action. I just had to show my face against my will. Go Yohan, who saw my face, moved one eyebrow and asked me.
“Why does your face look like that?”
“……Just. Whatever.”
“Did you fall again, by any chance?”
“Yeah. A little.”
“Is that so?”
Go Yohan clicked his tongue once, shook his head, and yanked his hand away from my face. I almost slammed my head on the desk because of that.
“Ah, shit.”
I was startled and glared at Go Yohan. But Go Yohan smiled slightly twistedly as he saw my reaction. He seemed to be thinking hard about something. I have no idea what that thought is.
Han Jun-woo and Han Tae-san didn’t come to school after all.
And while I wasn’t there, rumors spread around the school.
‘Hey, did you hear? Han Jun-woo…… that bastard finally…….’
I thought no one was asking about my injuries, but this was happening behind my back. No wonder they seemed to be looking at me with very curious expressions. It seemed the rumors had already spread to every corner of the hallway.
I was luckier than I thought.
The subjects of the rumors were me and Han Jun-woo. Me and Han Jun-woo didn’t come to school not long after the rumors started, and even Han Tae-san disappeared along with us, so there was no way to clarify the rumors, and they seemed to spread even faster. After the rumors broke out, I appeared with a ruined face, becoming the confirmation of the rumors.
The rumors were like this. ‘Kang Jun and Han Jun-woo broke up.’ And ‘Han Jun-woo is gay.’
“That bastard, I knew he had ulterior motives for that rice ball bastard?”
“What’s a rice ball? Ah, I know. Sh, shit……. Hey, wait a minute. Shit, I’m dying.”
“He looks exactly like a burst rice ball.”
“Seriously, he looks so fluffy.”
Thanks to that, the classroom was full of these kinds of conversations.
“The guys who were close to Han Jun-woo got backstabbed so hard.”
Often, the end of the conversation is directed at me. I pretended not to notice, even though I knew the gazes were directed at me.
Kang Jun couldn’t stand Han Jun-woo’s gay behavior and had a big fight, ‘Han Jun-woo is stronger than Kang Jun, so Kang Jun got beaten to death by Han Jun-woo like a dog, and finally, the two broke up.’ I was just dumbfounded by the rumors that came to me as if they had been waiting for me, even though I hadn’t specifically looked for them.
“This is ridiculous……”
Even during the break after the second period, Kim Min-ho, one of Go Yohan’s group, approached me while munching on a warmed-up hamburger and said a word.
“Hey, Kang Jun, Kang Jun. Hey, let me ask you something. Did you, did you hear about that?”
We had talked a few times, but we weren’t close, so it was awkward. Not only Kim Min-ho but also various guys came to me and asked about ‘that thing,’ which was mostly close to nonsense, so I scratched my earlobe without saying a word. What should I say?
“A guy from class 5 said that those gay- bastards kissed? Is it true?”
“Ehh…… Where?”
“Well, I don’t know? Anyway, they wouldn’t be rubbing their mouths in the middle of the street. Maybe they went somewhere shady and jerked off?”
Yeah, right. I listened with one ear and let it out with the other. That’s what I said, but.
“Ew, that would be creepy.”
“Right? Ha, these bastards, really. Huh? In a god-sacred school, huh? I should pour hydrochloric acid on their heads. Woo-eww!”
As with other rumors, the source was unknown, but such shortcomings were not visible to the judgment of high school students who enjoyed the interesting material.
The guys in that spot were swearing. “Is that real! You fucking bastard!” Even so, they were sparkling with interest as they asked, “But, where is it really?”
Pathetic things, do you believe that? But then again, I was imagining the two of them kissing and waiting for Kim Min-ho’s words. Anyway, Kang Jun is also an idiot.
“Come to think of it, Han Jun-woo hasn’t been getting laid well these days.”
“Isn’t it too much, so it’s all limp now?”
Go Yohan, who was suddenly squatting on his desk, answered. The ice cream stick he had finished eating was spinning in the air. His lips were full of smiles.
“That’s understandable. Dude, you should have stopped doing it so much.”
Go Yohan still seems to think this situation is a joke. I glanced at him and sighed softly. All the students in the class reacted differently to the vulgar words that had taken over the classroom in an instant.
The guys next to Go Yohan laughed, hitting their desks with their fists or stomping their feet on the floor. Among them were guys who belonged to Han Jun-woo’s group. Go Yohan dropped the ice cream stick he was holding with two fingers on the floor and raised the corners of his mouth.
“Or maybe his dick rotted off from jacking off in some dirty hole.”
At that moment, everyone became awkward. I felt a sharp atmosphere in Go Yohan’s voice.
“……”
I also looked at Go Yohan with an awkward look. An awkward silence came to a corner of the classroom. Amidst the thirty people talking, a strange atmosphere bloomed and began to engulf the classroom. Rather, the sound of children who were not related to the group talking normally grew louder.
But the only thought I had was that I couldn’t tell if that was a joke or the truth. And I can confidently say that everyone is thinking that. But Go Yohan didn’t care and scratched his chin with his thumb this time and said with his mouth twisted.
“Gay bastard. Ugh.”
Go Yohan landed as if jumping off his desk. It would have been the floor anyway if he just stretched out his annoyingly long legs. Then, he hummed a song of unknown origin and walked leisurely through the divisions of the classroom. We were all just watching the scene. Go Yohan smacked his lips for a long time and suddenly pointed to a desk and asked.
“Is this…… Han Jun-woo’s desk?”
There’s no way he wouldn’t know that.
Go Yohan tilted his head as if inducing an answer. We experienced implicit coercion there. At the same time, several people nodded.
“That’s right, then.”
A voice full of satisfaction was heard.
“Ah, you know what. I’ve been dying to see this bastard act up until now.”
Go Yohan raised his leg. A dull sound spread with a sneer. The heaviness of something falling resonated on the soles of his feet. Judging from the location, sound, and weight, it was definitely a desk. And I just confirmed whose seat that fallen desk originally belonged to. Yeah, Go Yohan definitely asked intentionally. To clearly show who he hit.
“Yohan, you- you bastard! You’re a very bad guy!”
“Wow, that bastard’s personality is trash.”
The silence disappeared as if it were a lie. Laughter bloomed again in the classroom. Several textbooks that were as good as new were scattered in my field of vision. I saw a name scribbled on the textbook.
The guys who witnessed the scene and were watching Go Yohan’s mood slyly opened their mouths.
“Go Yohan is mean. He’s a total asshole, but why do I feel so relieved? Is it just me?”
“Uh, fucking-. It’s just you.”
“No, it’s not! Is it not?”
“Ah, our Min-ho’s way of speaking is extremely disgusting. Just like…… Han Jun-woo?”
“Bullshit-!”
Kim Min-ho and Lee Seok-hyun’s playful bickering was only a show for Go Yohan. Everyone in this class had to laugh for Go Yohan right now.
Yeah, I’ve been a good son in front of my parents all my life, a trustworthy student in front of my teachers, and a pretty decent guy in front of my classmates. Since I’ve lived my whole life like that, I’m proud to say that becoming a close friend in front of Han Jun-woo was a little difficult, but bearable.
What the guys who have lived such lives fear the most is not the reality that they have to live such lives forever, but the fact that the tower of reality that they have built up all their lives collapses due to a momentary mistake.
How did I react? I just smiled brightly.