By Zephyria 
149
“Why are you smiling?”
“My mother often said things like that too.”
Whenever I whined about not wanting to eat, she would chide me softly, saying, ‘Who eats while thinking about food?’ Then Deok-woo, who was next to me, would widen his eyes and say, ‘How can you not think while eating? I constantly think about wanting more, how sweet the rice is…’ Then my mother would sigh as if the ground was sinking and turn her head away.
“……”
Ho-eun’s eyes clouded over as he thought of his mother after a long time. Is she doing well? She must be doing well. Has she eaten? She must be worried about me a lot. I hope she’s not still crying. I’m doing fine. I wish I could send her some news… I was thinking that.
“……You must have really not eaten much.”
Tae-muk said in a low voice.
“Well… I have committed quite a bit of filial impiety when it comes to eating.”
Ho-eun readily admitted his fault. Then he stroked his stomach and added.
“But what can I do if I really can’t get the food down?”
If you vomit all the time, break out in cold sweats from indigestion, and have sour liquid rising from your stomach, even a pig would avoid eating. This is not my fault. It’s the fault of my deficient body. I wish I could empty a rice bowl cleanly like Dong-ja or Man-soo.
Ho-eun smacked his dry lips for no reason. Tae-muk grabbed his Braided Hair not painfully and scolded him.
“It’s because you grew up too spoiled. If you couldn’t eat anything for a week and rolled around in a snowfield, you’d even dig up snow to eat.”
“I won’t deny that I grew up spoiled, but no matter how hungry I am, how could I dig up snow to eat?”
“I’ve dug up and eaten it before.”
“……”
“I’d be grateful for snow. I’ve even eaten dirt.”
At those words, Ho-eun froze for a moment, then slowly turned to look at Tae-muk. Tae-muk had his usual indifferent and apathetic expression. He didn’t add any other words.
So I couldn’t tell if he was joking or serious, but somehow it didn’t seem like a lie.
Tae-muk is a soldier, and he must have wandered the battlefields for a very long time. I had heard somewhere that many soldiers starve to death because the supply of military provisions is not smooth. Of course, he is a general, but if there is absolutely nothing to eat, what good is rank?
It must have been hard.
Ho-eun, who had only ever suffered from stomachaches, could not dare to fathom the desperation and misery of having to eat dirt.
Just as Ho-eun, whose heart had become damp, was about to gently cover Tae-muk’s hand that was wrapped around his waist.
“No, rather……”
“Still, for now……”
The voices of soldiers were heard in the distance. It was Gil-sang and Seong-im, who had set out on the road together, and Byeonguk, and others. They were following a little distance away from Ho-eun, and they had been standing together and constantly exchanging words for a long time.
“What are they all talking about so much?”
Ho-eun couldn’t hear what they were saying because they were quite far away, but Tae-muk, who had good hearing, would be listening to everything. Tae-muk replied nonchalantly.
“They’re saying that next time, they have to go further away so I can’t find them.”
“……”
“They’re saying those words where I can hear them. Stupid bastards.”
Tae-muk clicked his tongue. It was a joke, but Ho-eun didn’t laugh. He looked at the soldiers once, then at Tae-muk, and then turned his head back without saying anything.
But Tae-muk whispered in Ho-eun’s ear.
“Still, next time, go further away as they say.”
“……”
“Hide more thoroughly.”
“……”
“Hold in your coughs too. Got it?”
When I’m sick, my hearing gets better. You have to be careful.
Tae-muk kindly and meticulously told him how to avoid him. It seemed like he really didn’t want to find Ho-eun next time.
“……”
However, Ho-eun did not answer. He was just breathing in and out. Tae-muk, displeased with his silence, lifted his chin and forced him to make eye contact.
“Answer me.”
“……”
Ho-eun slowly blinked his large eyes. Then he slowly rolled his eyes to the side.
“I don’t want to.”
“……What?”
“-Even if I say that, can I do that? I don’t know why you’re asking when it’s not something I can choose. If you order me to, I have to follow, don’t I?”
Having said that, Ho-eun shook his head and shook off Tae-muk’s hand. Then he wiped the area under his chin, which was warm with Tae-muk’s body temperature, with the back of his hand.
But Tae-muk lifted his chin again. The faces facing each other upside down were strange. At first glance, he seemed angry, but he also seemed just curious, or perhaps even amazed.
“What would you do if you could choose?”
“I would stick right next to you. And I will do everything I can as your Bondmate.”
“Anything?”
“Yes. Anything.”
Ho-eun answered firmly. Because he was not afraid of being sick or dying.
In fact, until a few days ago, I was afraid of being sick. I had already experienced how painful and harsh the Sexual affair with Tae-muk was. So I didn’t want to experience that kind of pain again.
But didn’t I see it? Tae-muk spitting up blood. Tae-muk sitting down because he couldn’t stand. I would rather be sick than see him like that. Even if my limbs were torn apart from taking him in, it wouldn’t be as painful as before. If I thought that I was swallowing his pain instead, I might even become peaceful.
“……”
As Ho-eun was staring at Tae-muk with a determined look, Tae-muk carefully let go of his chin. Then he muttered to himself as if talking to himself.
“You have no fear.”
“Why would I be afraid? It’s the duty I have to do as your Bondmate. I’m more afraid of you being sick. I also hate it.”
Tae-muk chuckled at the overly devoted words. It felt like Ho-eun was a nobleman for the first time in a while. Because they are the race that babbles the word ‘duty’ more diligently than anyone else. Well, according to what I’ve seen from the side, Ho-eun doesn’t seem to be the pathetic kind who only keeps that ‘duty’ with his mouth, but anyway, that’s not the answer Tae-muk wanted.
“Why do you hate it? Ah, is it because I’m a per-son?”
“It’s not that.”
“Then? Ah, is it because I’m a general of the Korean Empire?”
“Th… that’s not it either.”
“That’s not it either? Then… Ah, I see. Is it because I’m the only one who can prove your worth?”
“……”
Ho-eun did not deny it this time. Tae-muk chuckled again at that. I knew it. I guessed the answer, but I wasn’t very happy.
But Ho-eun turned to look at Tae-muk and then turned his head forward again. Then, as if confused about something, he rolled his eyes and fiddled with the reins as if he was tearing them apart, and then said in an unsure voice.
“Everything you say is right. But……”
“But?”
“There’s another, another reason.”
“What is it?”
“Um… Isn’t it the same reason why you hate me dying and endure the pain alone?”
“……How do you know why I do that?”
Tae-muk asked back. It was a question with ambiguous intentions. It wasn’t to check if Ho-eun knew the reason exactly. Because Tae-muk didn’t know the answer either. All I could think of was that Ho-eun was my Bondmate, because he was weak, but that wasn’t very satisfactory. It was because it was an insufficient answer.
Tae-muk stared at Ho-eun intently. Because he thought that the smart Ho-eun would tell him the reason. But Ho-eun shrugged his shoulders with a languid expression.
“I don’t know.”
“What?”
“But what’s so different and diverse about the reason why people hate being sick and hate dying? You and I both hate it, so wouldn’t the reason be the same?”
“……”
“So please understand my desire to be by your side, even if I’m sick.”
“……”
“Yes?”
Ho-eun raised his head and looked at Tae-muk upside down. His clear eyes shone like glass beads.
“……”
Tae-muk couldn’t say anything. It wasn’t that he ignored him, but he was momentarily mesmerized by his beautiful eyes. But Ho-eun, who misunderstood the silence, pouted his lips.
“Tch……. Even if you say no, I’ll stick with you next time.”
He said boldly and turned his head forward again.
“……”
Tae-muk was still looking at Ho-eun without saying a word. All I could see was the back of his head, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the back of his small head with two ears.
Was it because the earlobes, which were as thin as paper and shining golden in the sunlight, were amazing? Or was it because the thin baby hairs were fluttering in the wind? Or was it because his soft neck was as white and elegant as porcelain?
‘You and I both hate it, so wouldn’t the reason be the same?’
‘So please understand my desire to be by your side, even if I’m sick.’
The reason why I hate Ho-eun being sick.
The feeling of not wanting Ho-eun to die.
Tae-muk, who was thinking about it carefully while looking at Ho-eun, suddenly swept his chest. The throbbing he had felt last night while looking at Ho-eun, who was holding his hand and sleeping, was felt again.
Around that time, Tae-muk finally realized.
The reason.
The feeling.