By Zephyria [Would you like to view the log?]
Yes
* * *
[Day 233]
What kind of expression should I have when I meet Jin Mu-hae?
When I opened my eyes in the grass this morning and found reason for the first time in ages.
That was the first thing I thought. If I were to meet Jin Mu-hae, what would I feel as I looked at his face after such a long wait?
Day 233… The periods of regaining consciousness are getting longer and longer.
When was the last record? I could find out quickly by looking through the log, but I don’t have the energy to do that.
Of course, it’s not that I’m physically weak. On the contrary, I’m full of energy and my stomach is full.
I must have torn something apart and eaten it the day before. Well, if I were hungry, I wouldn’t be able to think so clearly.
I decided to spend a few hours looking at the sky until my stomach emptied again and my sanity disappeared due to hunger.
Kireureung-
I know what year and day it is, but I don’t want to count. I just felt a vague and hazy sense of how much time had passed.
Maybe it’s because every day is so similar. The same routine of becoming a monster and roaming the game world.
The last time I regained consciousness, I was trying to compare the game’s timeline with the current date.
I was trying to figure out which time period I had fallen into so that I couldn’t meet Jin Mu-hae.
I tried to find land with traces of humans, and unfortunately, my memory cut off there.
I’m not very curious about what happened after that. There must be a reason why my mind erased the memories.
I realized a long time ago that it’s easier to endure by living as a monster.
Um, what day was that?
When I tore apart a Beast and regained consciousness.
I felt the texture of raw meat on my tongue, but I just swallowed everything in my mouth. Honestly, it tasted better than an Aberrant.
Then I made eye contact with something small and weak. It was a baby deer that I hadn’t managed to catch.
It couldn’t even run away from me, who was tearing apart its own kind, and collapsed to the ground.
Cute, pitiful baby animal.
Did I like animals before I was possessed by this terrible game?
I don’t remember, but I probably didn’t hate them. My monstrous heart even fluttered a little when I saw the baby deer.
But when I fell asleep again and woke up, only a small hoof was left in front of me.
The inner me closed my eyes and muttered. What I swallowed was not an immature and weak baby animal.
Beast. A baby Beast. I just ate a baby wild animal.
The boundary of reason, which had been so clear when I regained consciousness, began to gradually blur from that point on.
Still, time passed well, and it became easier for me to endure.
Kireureung.
I decided to focus on one thing.
When Jin Mu-hae appears someday, I must meet him.
Stick right next to the protagonist I’ve been longing for and survive to the end.
I don’t know if I’ll be in a sane state at that moment, but no matter how distorted and turbid I become, I will never attack Jin Mu-hae.
Because if even Jin Mu-hae is not left in this world, there will be no reason for me to exist here.
I’ve always felt that way.
* * *
It’s not uncommon for Joo-oh to be upset about trivial things.
He would twitch his eyebrows even if he wasn’t allowed to eat something he shouldn’t, and he would look wronged if he was stopped from doing something that others would find strange.
But it was the first time he had openly frowned, so I was a little taken aback. Jin Mu-hae sat on the sofa after he entered the study and just stared at the TV.
The TV shows in the evening were provocative, but no matter what kind of antics they were doing, he didn’t even notice.
‘It’s not interference. It’s interest.’
He chose a plausible expression for a guy who goes back and forth. I was about to refute his words as usual, but I stopped.
To be honest, I didn’t understand. How does pointing out and nagging become interest?
I was just surprised that he was accepting the things I did for my own good as interest.
Well, that seems a little commendable.
Anyway, Mu-hae had been feeling terrible ever since Joo-oh slammed the door after doing that. He thought it was presumptuous of the guy who would get restless and come looking for him if he wasn’t in his sight for even a moment to act like that.
It had already been a couple of hours since he had sat down on the sofa to see when he would come out. Surprisingly, Joo-oh was still holed up in the study.
He strained his ears to see what he was up to, but he didn’t make a peep. He wasn’t stomping his feet or anything, he was as quiet as a mouse.
‘Damn it.’
Looking back, I was a little harsh on Joo-oh. I can’t shake the feeling that I unnecessarily scolded the guy who would feel good even if I just stroked him a little.
It’s all for his own good, but from his perspective, the sudden change in treatment must have been frustrating.
He’s not Mu-hae. It’s hard to expect him to react the same way as Mu-hae in the past.
‘That guy’s not in his right mind either.’
In the end, I’m going to pay the price for making him sulk. Mu-hae pressed his eyes tightly with his palm, took a deep sigh, and got up from his seat.
Yeah. It’s ridiculous to have a battle of wills with a guy like that. Even though he’s sulking longer than usual today, he’ll come back soon if I poke him a little.
If I can just endure the unpleasantness of backing down first, I won’t have to see that pig’s wronged eyes anymore.
Soothing himself in that way, Mu-hae strode towards the study. Knock, knock. He knocked lightly, but still couldn’t feel any sign from inside.
“I know you’re not sleeping.”
He must have heard it, but he didn’t even answer. Mu-hae raised his eyebrows and opened the door without hesitation.
The room was dark and quiet with the lights off. Joo-oh was lying in the middle of the mattress, covered in a blanket.
“Hey.”
He didn’t even flinch when I called him. As if staging a protest, the bundle of blankets didn’t even move.
For some reason, that made me even more annoyed, and Mu-hae took a step into the study. At that moment, ridiculously, the scolding that had been rising to the tip of my throat disappeared as if it had melted away.
“……”
The floor was warm. The wooden floor, which didn’t even have a heating function, openly held warmth.
I moved my foot slightly and rubbed another spot, and there was a clear difference in temperature. It was as if someone had been sitting there for a long time, stuck to the door.
…What a funny guy. How can he pretend to be asleep on the mattress without making a sound after doing this?
Did he think I would leave? He should have woken me up by touching me. Mu-hae snorted and stretched his foot towards the round bundle of blankets.
Tuk, he blatantly pushed it with his toe, but he stubbornly pretended not to know. I don’t know if I should call this intelligent or stupid.
“I know you’re not sleeping.”
“……”
“I can hear your breathing changing.”
“……”
“Who told you to stop breathing? Breathe.”
When I openly mocked him, the round blanket finally wriggled. But he still didn’t seem to want to take his soft head out.
I went through the trouble of putting up with the annoyance and coming in here, so do I have to have another fight here?
“Joo-oh.”
Just as I was about to give up after calling him one last time, the bundle of blankets moved greatly as if by a lie.
As if he had read Mu-hae’s mind, his disheveled hair peeked out from under the blanket.
I thought he would be frowning again, but surprisingly, Joo-oh had his eyes wide open and his mouth agape.
“……Again.”
I realized from his excited voice. This seems to be the first time I’ve called him by his name.
It’s hard to believe, but when I quietly searched my memory, Mu-hae always called him ‘Hey’ or ‘You’. Not out of malice, but just because. Just a little insensitive as always.
To add an excuse, he always came to me as soon as I made eye contact, so there was no need to call him. Joo-oh always called out first, saying Jin Mu-hae, Jin Mu-hae.
Anyway, Joo-oh had a completely surprised look on his face. When I called out Joo-oh again, he completely forgot that he was pretending to be asleep and quickly crawled out of the blanket.
“Who told you to close the door like that? Are you going to fix it if it breaks?”
“The wind closed it.”
“Was your name Wind?”
“Joo-oh. Joo-oh.”
He emphasized his name as if hammering it in. He frowned, thinking that frowning earlier had been effective.
“What did you do so well that you went into the room?”
“Jin Mu-hae didn’t do well either.”
“Then do I have to feed a grown-up baby?”
“I didn’t ask you to feed me. Jin Mu-hae……”
Joo-oh closed his eyes slightly after I rubbed his black head once. A faint relief and joy settled on his face.
After forgetting that he was sulking and rubbing his cheek affectionately against my hand, Joo-oh took a short breath and continued what he was saying.
“Because Jin Mu-hae avoided me.”
“Then was the ghost stroking you all this time?”
“You acted weird first.”
The words ‘You’re the weird one’ were about to slip out of my mouth, but I stopped myself.
Mu-hae still didn’t understand his logic. His father didn’t interfere in Mu-hae’s affairs, and Teacher Jung and Director Gil didn’t interfere in his choices.
That doesn’t mean they weren’t interested in Mu-hae. But something clearly read differently to Joo-oh.
Well, it’s a fact I don’t really want to accept, but maybe one of them really wasn’t interested.
“You’re twenty-two, right?”
“That’s right.”
“But do I have to fix your hair too?”
“No. But.”
His red eyes carefully scanned Mu-hae’s face. He took a deep breath as if he had made up his mind, and whispered in a low voice like a secret.
“Then I can touch Jin Mu-hae one more time.”
The look in his eyes that scanned me with a displeased expression, the act of roughly fixing my clothes and scolding me. He felt deprived in the place where he felt that even that was interest.
It’s really a strange feeling that someone craves me this much.
Mu-hae pressed his throbbing head with his fingertips and quietly sat down in front of him.
“Joo-oh.”
As soon as I called his name, a surprisingly stable look flew towards me.
Mu-hae, realizing once again that beating around the bush doesn’t suit him, got straight to the point without exaggeration.
“Memory. Aren’t you going to find it?”
A faint anxiety flashed across his blank face in an instant. When he closed his mouth tightly and avoided my gaze, Mu-hae vaguely realized where that denial originated from.
“If you remember more things, you’ll have more things you can do when we’re together.”
At those words, the troubled look in his eyes cleared up in an instant. At the same time, Mu-hae realized.
The feeling that bothered me every time Joo-oh wandered around on his own and answered back smartly was also seeping in from the same place.
“Even if I have memories, I won’t live alone.”
“Who told you to crawl out? There’s a lot of work to do.”
As soon as he finished speaking, Joo-oh clenched his fist tightly and leaned his head on Mu-hae’s shoulder. A breath of relief tickled the vicinity of my neck.
What a fool. Who would let go of such manpower? Even if he finds his memories, Joo-oh is already tied to the Return flight’s work.
I’m going to keep him by my side and use him in the right places. It’ll be better for him than stupidly flowing into Sakdal’s place.
After finishing his rationalization in his mind, Mu-hae pushed away his limp body and got up from his seat.
“Am I too big?”
“You’re not big.”
“I want to eat meat now.”
“You already ate everything and went in earlier. Do I look like a fool to you?”
“I can’t fool you.”
The way he clicked his tongue was annoyingly smart.
Feeling like he had done something embarrassing for some reason, Mu-hae left the study without looking back. After that, the sound of happy footsteps followed as always.