By Zephyria 
I had brought many things because I had to submit them within this week. Ivan Holmos, seeing the territory relocation permit extension documents I hesitantly took out, left his signature in elegant handwriting without a hint of hesitation.
Baron Ivan Bikoff. If he were to receive the title of Baron… he would become a Bikoff. I would receive that surname as well. Under the name Sienna Bikov. …not Eric Bikov. Though it was something I had greatly wished for, I felt a strange sensation.
I also received signatures on the engagement and marriage vows. Normally, the marriage vows were written after the wedding ceremony, unless there was a very urgent matter. I had heard that nobles like Ivan Holmos, in particular, paid great attention to the etiquette of engagement and wedding procedures, so I felt quite embarrassed as I presented the documents.
However, Ivan Holmos read every item carefully, signed in the appropriate places, and even helped me sign the vows. While doing so, he recited a few elegant prayers, and seeing me just rolling my eyes, he explained that he had added a simplified procedure to the original vows.
I was very curious how he knew so many prayers without being a Cleric, but I couldn’t ask. All I could do was nod and sign where he pointed.
The marriage contract required more effort than the vows.
This was because I had copied the basic template for a contract marriage. Since it was to be written with him, all the important parts of the marriage contract were left blank.
Ivan had long since returned to his initial cold expression. The kiss we shared, and his gentle smile, felt like a dream. He elegantly pointed to a section of the contract with the tip of his pen.
“Permission for a lover.”
“I believe spouses should maintain fidelity.”
“Yes? Yes, of course. I agree.”
“I suppose the child between Eric and me would be adopted by the Eldos family?”
“…Yes.”
“I will permit it. However, as you are my wife, I cannot stand to see you sleeping with any other man, or woman, for the rest of your life.”
Wife.
I was still bewildered and couldn’t believe it. Was Ivan Holmos perhaps blind? Could he say such things as ‘wife’ while looking at me? Well, we had kissed… but still.
As my answer was delayed, he stared intently at me. I quickly nodded.
“Of course. I should. That’s only natural…”
“I will not cheat either.”
“Pardon?”
“Because it’s only natural.”
This was only the second time I had met Ivan Holmos. In a contract marriage, not a marriage of love, the exchange of emotions is not forced. Therefore, we were not in a position to discuss fidelity… Or was that right? As I blinked in confusion, he drew two neat lines through the lover section.
“Loyalty only to each other.”
“…Yes.”
Regardless, it was a condition I was grateful for. I meekly nodded again.
Ivan Holmos was a kind man.
He accommodated me and the Eldos family’s circumstances entirely. Having submitted the engagement and marriage vows first, we decided to hold the wedding ceremony as soon as he graduated. I thought a marriage to a noble would require more procedures, but he acted without hesitation, saying his parents had delegated all decisions to him.
So, officially, he and I were already husband and wife. It was still a bewildering and unbelievable thought.
Thanks to his suggestion, we met every last Saturday of the month throughout his final academic year.
We watched plays together, strolled through the streets, and had meals. When we walked side-by-side, we maintained a distance of about a fist’s width, as if walking with an awkward acquaintance, but just before parting, we shared a kiss so deep it made my knees weak.
Could the reasons a person falls for another include… kissing too well?
At some point, I started buying new clothes every time I went to meet Ivan Holmos. I wanted to look good for him. I wished to be seen as an attractive man or woman by him. When our lips met, a surge of desire would sometimes arise, but he was always so refreshing.
He had assured me he would be faithful to me for life, yet I couldn’t understand why I felt anxious.
No. I actually knew. …It wasn’t enough. Mere faithfulness wouldn’t suffice. At some point, I… wanted to be loved by Ivan Holmos.
I don’t know when it started.
Was it from the day we left the theater, and he lightly grasped and then released my hand as I hesitated to hold it?
Was it from the day he stood behind me while we ate, and his hand overlapped mine as he showed me how to hold my knife?
Or was it after I was suddenly flustered by his hand slowly massaging the back of my neck during a kiss?
Ivan could do in his head the calculations I took a week to complete, knew the names of countless flowers and trees I didn’t, enjoyed talking about the unique customs of the five kingdoms, and listened attentively to my rambling, nonsensical stories, remembering every word.
Meanwhile, wedding preparations proceeded steadily on schedule.
It was an irresistible force that the wedding ceremony, which I had intended to be a simple formality, became increasingly heartfelt. I… no, Ivan Bikoff. I was in love with Ivan Holmos. I had become so, regardless of how he felt about me.
These days, I wished every day that Sienna wouldn’t return. I often had nightmares where Sienna, having suddenly returned, would hug my waist tightly and laugh cheerfully, saying, “Sorry, big brother, I’m going to marry Ivan Holmos now! He’s even kinder than I thought!”
He declared he would sleep with me.
But I… I wasn’t confident I could satisfy him.
I never thought I would resent my physique, which was a head taller than most people.
I used to like my body. It was enough to simply stand up when a fight was about to break out. Local thugs would retreat in fear just by looking at my shoulders and arms. In trade expeditions with rough Mercenaries, no one ever looked down on me, and I had seen mercenaries occasionally look at me with ambition to recruit me throughout my life.
But now, I hated it.
I wished I could have been a woman who could fit snugly into Ivan Holmos’s embrace. Then I wouldn’t have had to stand on my tiptoes when he kissed me. My chest, which I had squeezed as a test, was familiarly firm. The thought that perhaps this was why Ivan didn’t touch my body made my insides twist.
Men and women have the same lips, so perhaps that’s why we could kiss.
Maybe… maybe I was asexual from the start. He had put the excellent card of marriage on the table so easily, without regard for whether one was noble or commoner, man or woman, as if he wouldn’t mind if he never had sex in his life.
I found it laughable that I thought about untying his neatly tied bowtie and burying my lips beneath his Adam’s apple. I wanted to rub my cheek against Ivan Holmos’s pale, clean skin. I wanted to see him smile more often. I wanted him to look at me with lustful eyes.
My hand reached down without my realizing it. I squeezed my hardening genitals, which swelled at the mere thought of Ivan Holmos, as if to scold them. A gasp escaped my lips, then stopped. Would his slender, well-shaped hand ever touch this? Could I… ask for such a thing?
“Eric.”
I imagined him calling my name in a gentle tone.
“It’s alright. Even if you don’t know these things.”
Ivan was the one who used to stroke the back of my hand, telling me not to be intimidated by every little mannerism whenever I hesitated. I imagined his hand gripping and stroking mine. From the base of my stiff shaft upwards, I was impatient to rub it several times and call out his name.
The pillowcase against my cheek sank deeply.
“…Hng…”
I slipped my hand inside my shirt. Even with this monstrously uneven body, I felt as though Ivan would gently caress it. I wished he would whisper that this was no problem at all. Then I… I…
“Haa, …Ugh, Ivan, Ivan…”
I imagined biting his lips. I imagined clinging on, so that the brief moment when his lips, which always touched gently, swept through my mouth, and then, like a ritual of something that must be done, pulled away, could last even a little longer.
Now, I don’t lose my breath when I kiss him. So I wanted to beg him to do it just a little, just a tiny bit longer.
“…Crazy, hng… Ah!”
A sorrowful climax.
I looked down at the semen soaking my hand, no longer finding it strange. I couldn’t believe I had ended up like this, having never properly masturbated before meeting him. Now, if we were to lie in bed together, I wouldn’t be able to hold back any longer, and what then?
“…Fuck.”
Thump, thump. I buried my head in the pillow. The soft pillow didn’t hurt no matter how much I hit it.
“…Bastard.”
Why are you so kind, to have bewitched me?
No, that’s not right. I’m the bastard. A crazy dog that gets horny for the calm and collected Ivan Holmos, who saved me from danger and treated me kindly. Just die, already. Burying my face in the pillow, I held my breath for a long time. As my breath caught, I remembered that day again.
The day I first kissed Ivan.
The moment his gently curved eyes sparkled as he looked up at me remained a blissful memory. The scent and texture left on his tongue that day, which felt so fresh and invigorating, was a sweet memory I wouldn’t forget even after years.
I sprang up and went to wash my hands. I felt I could finally calm down and prepare for sleep after washing my hands and taking a cold shower.
While washing, a thought suddenly struck me.
Still, Ivan Holmos is a man, and my mouth… my mouth likes it.
…Is it okay to lick it just once? To have him do it in my mouth.
…Fuck, I need to stop with the disgusting things. I felt like crying again. I really wished I was just 20cm, no, 30cm shorter. If I couldn’t be a woman, I wished I was tall enough to kneel before Ivan Holmos. That thought wouldn’t leave my mind.