By Zephyria 
At that moment, I heard a voice calling for Iagon over the receiver. Iagon’s voice became urgent.
I’ll talk to you later. Brother, please wait a moment.
Hehehe. Ha-jun cried out loud. He replied consistently while crying loudly like that.
“Of course.” I’m really fine. Go and do the work. Don’t worry about it.” – … brother.”
“I will hang up.” Work hard.Ha-jun, who hung up the phone at will, lay down and cried loudly. Crying while pounding the mattress with a clenched fist and biting the edge of the blanket with my mouth.
I was sad. I felt like I was going crazy. I wondered why I was acting like this. I was just so sad, frustrated, and depressed. The emotional ups and downs were so severe that I couldn’t control them myself. I couldn’t understand why this was happening.
Is it just my imagination? My stomach was aching. Ha-jun frowned and clutched his stomach. In that state, Haejun, who was crying endlessly, eventually became exhausted and fell asleep.
“Brother, wake up.””Hae-jun, who opened his eyes to the careful touch shaking his body, discovered Iagon.” I thought I was dreaming and rubbed my eyes, but it hurt and I grimaced.
Both eyes were extremely swollen. It was the aftereffects of yesterday.
“Agon?” Why are you here?”You said you would come, didn’t you?””That may be true, but… what about your filming?””I don’t know.” I wrote a note and ran away.”What?”Hae-jun jumped up. It was something that I could not possibly tolerate as a former manager.
“Then what should I do?” Go back even now.”I don’t like it.” How can I go back when my brother is crying like that?”That is…”Hae-jun had nothing to say. After taking a short nap and waking up, I was able to objectively see how ridiculous I had acted. My cheeks became hot.
To be honest, I was happy. I was grateful to Iagon, who ran to me after I left the filming set without permission because I was crying. Ha-jun sniffled and smiled broadly. Iagon gently wiped the swollen area around Haejun’s eyes with his thumb.
“I’m hungry.” Did you eat?”I looked at the clock and it was seven in the morning.” Since she couldn’t find the pork cutlet she wanted to eat, Haejun had been almost starving. I suddenly felt the desire to eat food after a long time.
“There’s pork cutlet in the refrigerator, do you want to eat it?””Yes.””Okay, just wait a moment… Oof.””With a burst of energy, instead of opening the refrigerator door, Hae-jun clutched his stomach and sat down.” Eagon ran over in surprise.
“Hyung?” Why are you doing that?”It’s nothing… Ugh, ugh.”Hae-jun pressed his stomach and waited for the pain to subside. Fortunately, the pain soon disappeared, but the throbbing sensation remained.
“It’s okay now.” Done.”When did this start happening?””Since last night.” But today hurts more than yesterday.”Iagon’s expression darkened.” Ha-jun pretended to be nonchalant as he took the chilled pork cutlet out of the refrigerator. Iagon carefully received the pork cutlet.
“Now that I think about it, I’ve been feeling strange lately.” I feel like my mood is jumping and I get upset over trivial things. The day before yesterday, I really wanted to eat the pork cutlet from the snack shop in front of our school. Yesterday, even though it wasn’t the season, I really wanted to eat watermelon.”There were as many as five pieces of pork cutlet that had only been nibbled at the edges.” The strength left Iagon’s hands as he searched for a frying pan to fry the pork cutlet anew. The frying pan fell and rolled on the marble floor, making a loud noise.
“…….”Iagon turned to look at Haejun with a pale face.” The face was very pale and the eyes were wide open. Ha-jun, not knowing English, bent down to pick up the frying pan that had fallen on the floor. Then Iagon grabbed Haejun’s hand and pulled him up.
“Why are you like this?””Brother, by any chance…””He swallowed hard and cautiously asked.”
“Aren’t you pregnant?””What?””This one is acting up again.” Ha-jun chuckled. But Iagon was serious.
“Have you tried the tester?” Ah, that’s right. If it’s too early, it won’t show up on the test. What if it’s really a pregnancy?”That can’t be true.””Well, it hasn’t been long since I tried again, so it’s too early.” Oh, still.”The rambling Iagon looked straight at Haejun.”
“But what if it’s really a pregnancy?””Absolutely not.”The more Iagon panicked, the calmer Ha-jun became. It was somewhat pathetic. I thought it was about time that men realized they cannot get pregnant.
“Brother.” Brother.Iagon knelt at Haejun’s feet. 해준의 다리를 끌어안고는 나지막한 목소리로 한 번 더 “Brother.”and called. A hot breath brushed against my knee.
“What did you say you wanted to eat earlier?” Is there also pork cutlet and watermelon in front of the school?”
“이제 Done.”I will go buy it.” Please wait a moment. Even if you’re hungry, just hold on a little longer. What?”No, it shouldn’t come to that.””I wanted to eat pork cutlet the day before yesterday, and I wanted to eat watermelon yesterday.” I didn’t really want to eat right now. However, despite Hae-jun’s attempts to stop him, Iagon suddenly stood up, got ready to leave, and immediately ran out. Before closing the door, I peeked my head out and said, “I’ll be right back.””And then, it disappeared with the sound of urgent footsteps.”
“…What the hell is this.””Heejun, left alone, was taken aback.” Could it be that they really think I am pregnant? How can one think that a man is pregnant just because his mood swings a bit and he suddenly craves certain foods?
That day, Iagon really came back with the pork cutlet and watermelon sold in front of the school. The grandmother at the snack shop said to come back later since it wasn’t open yet, but I managed to persuade her to let me buy some, and Iagon smiled brightly.
The pork cutlet was slightly soggy, but it was indeed delicious. As soon as I took a bite, I knew this was the flavor I had been looking for. Ha-jun asked Iagon after finishing the last bite cleanly.
“It’s really delicious.” Thank you. How did you persuade that grandmother who is very stubborn?”Yes.” Even though I said I would pay extra, they said it wouldn’t work, so my wife, who graduated from this school, says she wants to eat the pork cutlet that her grandmother used to fry for her during her school days. I am currently pregnant, so I must eat it. So please, I begged to buy it.”Did I do well?” And Iagon laughed.
“…Did you say your wife wanted to eat?””Yes.””My pregnant wife?””Yes.”Hae-jun was at a loss for words.
The school that Hae-jun graduated from was an all-boys school.
“Yes, good job.” Thank you.”Grandma didn’t fry the pork cutlet because of Iagon’s circumstances.” I fried it quickly to drive him away because he seemed crazy. Ha-jun smiled wearily and ate the watermelon that Iagon had cut for dessert.
I am not pregnant, but after eating properly for the first time in a while, I felt good. Feeling better, Hae-jun hesitated and said, “Hyung, that man and I…””I stopped them from opening their mouth.” It was a past that had already passed. At that time, we were broken up, so whatever she did with another man was her freedom.
“It’s okay even if you don’t say anything.” I won’t ask anymore.”Hae-jun decided to forget like a man.” What good is it to dig up the past? It only hurts the heart.
Iagon was clearly relieved when Haejun said he would no longer ask about that matter. Seeing that made her a bit annoyed, but there was something the man said, so Haejun decided to be cool about it.
∞ ∞ ∞
[What should we buy today?The message from Iagon has arrived. Ha-jun pressed the keyboard lightly while lying down.
Me: [With the chocolate stick]
[Got it]
Since believing that Hae-jun is pregnant, Iagon has come up to Seoul much more often. There were times when I only bought the food that Haejun wanted to eat and went down when things were really not going well.
Telling them not to do this was useless. He said that he heard if he didn’t buy what she wanted when she was pregnant, she would resent him for life, so he was unwilling to compromise.
At first, it was bewildering. Later, I found it ridiculous, but then I started seeing Iagon often, and honestly, I was happy about it.
Iagon, who believes that Haejun is pregnant, became affectionate as if the last restraint had been lifted.
Even after deciding to forgive Hae-jun and meet again, if there was still a subtle crack somewhere, now it was completely the same as before. He looked at Hae-jun with eyes full of kindness and love, just like before. Hae-jun said that I wasn’t pregnant about a hundred times, but Iagon’s attitude didn’t change.
“I’m not pregnant, I tell you.”In the end, the voice of Ha-jun, who speaks the truth, gradually became quieter. He has done enough. It was Iagon’s fault that he didn’t believe even after being told a hundred times.
The feeling of jumping over you was still the same. Suddenly craving food that I had never wanted to eat before was the same symptom.
It was honestly nice to have Iagon by my side during those times. When he hugs me, I feel more at ease.
Of course, that didn’t mean that the symptoms of emotional disturbance were completely cured.
“This isn’t it…”Ha-jun held the stick snack that Iagon bought in his hand and bit his lips.
The snack I asked you to buy was not this. I had been wanting to buy a chocolate-covered stick-shaped biscuit produced by a large company, but what I got was a large handmade stick snack. They were individually packaged in a cardboard box, colorful in appearance, and among the ten snacks, there was only one chocolate flavor.
“Ah.”My eyes felt a sting. Since receiving the message from Iagon that he would stop by this evening, I have been thinking about stick snacks all day. If you hold on a little longer, you’ll get to eat the stick snacks. I endured with the thought that Iagon would bring the stick candy if I just held on a little longer, but Iagon did not bring the stick candy.
“Bro, this one is more delicious.” It is made with organic Korean wheat. There are various flavors not only of chocolate but also of strawberry, blueberry, and coconut.Seeing Ha-jun’s unusual reaction, Lee Ah-gon panicked and unwrapped the package, offering Ha-jun a stick snack. They insisted on trying to force it into my mouth, saying to eat it quickly.
“Done. I won’t eat.”BTT 102
Haeyoon turned his head and looked away.” I wanted to eat so many sticks of candy, but you didn’t bring any. Who said they wanted to eat something made with organic Korean wheat? I just said I wanted to be an ordinary stick snack.
“Are you really not going to eat?” Don’t do that, just one bite…”I said I’m not eating.””Hae-jun stubbornly answered.” Not only that, I swatted away the snack that was shoved into my mouth, and it broke in half.
The air settled heavily.
Hae-jun hadn’t intended to break the snack, but he realized it too late and stubbornly kept his mouth shut and turned his head away.
“Brother, I bought this after waiting in line at the department store for 30 minutes.””In a low but clearly irritated voice, Iagon spoke.” He knelt on the floor, threw the broken snacks into the trash can, and repackaged the remaining snacks. The plastic crinkled and the ribbon brushed against it.
Having neatly finished organizing, Iagon left Haejun behind and entered the bathroom. Soon, the sound of water was heard.
“…….Hae-jun was standing dazed in the middle of the living room. A strange feeling that cannot be explained came up. This is not it. Why did I do that? They were the same self-blame.
I didn’t want to face Iagon like this. Ha-jun, who thought he should go out, quickly gathered his clothes and stood in front of the entrance.
But Hae-jun couldn’t go out. That fluid. Because of that fluid, which he didn’t know when or how would come out.
After realizing he couldn’t control the liquid coming from his own body, Hae-jun had become sensitive. In fact, after that day, while he was resting comfortably in Lee A-gon’s arms, his rear had suddenly gotten wet. Hae-jun bit his lip hard, stood blankly, then turned away irritably.
With heavy footsteps, Hae-jun entered the master bedroom and buried himself in the bedsheets.
Once again, that familiar sorrow welled up.
‘I can’t even go out. I can’t go buy a stick of Pocky by myself. How much I was looking forward to it.’
His eyes stung. Hae-jun covered his nose and mouth with his hands. Tears fell with a plop.
‘Still, I shouldn’t have treated Lee A-gon like that. He was tired too, and he went to the department store to buy it. Why couldn’t I just eat it? What was the big deal?’
After sorrow came self-loathing. Hae-jun cried even harder.
Why am I like this?
Why am I so childish?
Tears poured down. The emotional swings were so drastic, he felt like he was going crazy.
A warm hand touched Hae-jun’s head as he cried. He looked up to see Lee A-gon with a distressed expression.
“They say if you make someone upset during pregnancy, it lasts a lifetime. I’ve already made you upset, Hyung. I’m such a terrible person.”
“Ah, no. I’m worse.”
Hae-jun said, panting.
“I’m not upset with you. This is all because I’m strange… that’s why.”
A look of pity appeared on Lee A-gon’s face. Seeing that made Hae-jun feel even more sorrowful. Shit. He cursed and wiped his tears. He felt like a complete lunatic.
“Are you really not upset?”
“No.”
“Really not?”
“No. No.”
Hae-jun shook his head, holding back his tears. I’m not upset. I cried because you left me alone with that cold expression earlier, but that was my fault. It’s absolutely not your fault. Hae-jun wanted to say that.
“Did you sleep with that man?”
When he opened his mouth, strange words came out. Lee A-gon’s eyes widened. “What?” he asked again.
“You slept with that man using the condom I bought for you. You did.”
“No, Hyung, you said you wanted to bury that…”
Sob sob sob, Hae-jun buried his face in his knees and roared. So upset, he slammed his fist hard on the floor, and Lee A-gon stopped him.
“I didn’t sleep with him. I really didn’t sleep with that man.”
“Lies!”
“It’s true. I only have eyes for you, Hyung. I didn’t sleep with anyone else.”
“Then why did you ask me to buy condoms?”
“That was… to make you do it.”
Lee A-gon stammered. Hae-jun’s head shot up. “What?” he shouted.
“To make you suffer… to make you jealous.”
Lee A-gon covered his face with one hand. His cheeks and neck turned bright red.
“It doesn’t make sense to ask me to get condoms in the first place if you were going to ‘assist.’ And by the time Hyung bought the condoms, that man had already left.”
With tears still in his eyes, Hae-jun stared intently at Lee A-gon. Lee A-gon added a small, “I’m sorry.”
“You’re too cruel.”
Hae-jun mumbled. He lightly hit Lee A-gon with his fists.
Do you know how much I hurt that day? It was the first time in my life my heart had ever been so torn apart. Do you understand how it feels to have to buy condoms for the person you love so they can sleep with another man?
You are truly too cruel. Too cruel. Too cruel.
But it’s such a relief.
Too cruel. Too cruel.
Thank you.
Too cruel.
“Hyung, please don’t cry.”
Now, silent tears streamed down. Hae-jun clutched his chest and cried, feeling like an old nail was being pulled from his heart. The hot tears were bitter and salty. It felt like tears were gushing from his heart. They wouldn’t stop.
Held in Lee A-gon’s arms, Hae-jun cried until his voice was hoarse. Lee A-gon fumbled, repeatedly saying he was sorry.
Exhausted from crying for nearly two hours, Hae-jun fell asleep without realizing it. The next day, when he woke up, a mountain of stick snacks, the kind Hae-jun had wanted, was piled on the bed.
[I have to go down for filming. I’m truly, truly sorry for hurting your feelings. I swear. I will never hurt your feelings again. I won’t give you any reason to be upset. Lee A-gon, who loves Hyung and the baby.]
Reading the note placed on top of the snack box, Hae-jun smiled faintly.
From this day forward, Hae-jun’s feelings of being upset no longer raged like a madman.
Lee A-gon’s apology, and the belief that he hadn’t slept with another man. With these two conditions met, the deep wound Hae-jun hadn’t even known he had finally began to heal.
“What should we name the baby?”
“Shouldn’t we find out the gender first?”
“Right. That’s true. Then should we pick a gender-neutral name? One that can be used for a son or a daughter.”
“That’s a good idea. That would work. But Lee A-gon.”
“Yes.”
“I’m not pregnant.”
Hae-jun lay with his head on Lee A-gon’s lap. They were sitting on the sun-drenched terrace, lazily lounging around.
“I understand. Then I’ll name it. How about ‘Haegon,’ taking one character from Hyung’s name and mine?”
Lee A-gon ignored Hae-jun’s words and continued talking about the baby’s name.
“I said I’m not pregnant… Wait, Haegon? You’re going to name the baby Haegon?”
“Don’t you like it?”
“Yeah. I don’t like it.”
“Hmm, then Jun-gon?”
Hae-jun sat up, his hair messy.
“If you don’t like that either… how about Park-gon?”
“From now on, don’t even think about naming things.”
“Ah, why?”
“Why? You ask ‘why’ after suggesting names like Park-gon and Jun-gon? You shouldn’t name people, or even dogs or cats.”
“Then you name it. Let’s see if you have any good ideas.”
“Hey, it’s definitely better than Park-gon.”
Hae-jun thought of names in his head. Something that could be a girl’s name or a boy’s name.
“……”
Nothing came to mind.
“Hmm.”
As Hae-jun pondered, Lee A-gon opened his eyes slightly and teased him.
“Why? Can’t you think of a gender-neutral name that’s better than Park-gon?”
“Just a moment.”
“You know, it has to be better than Haegon, Park-gon, or Jun-gon.”
“Ah, just wait.”
“Yes, yes, hurry and name it.”
“If you keep mocking me like that, I’ll name it Park-namnyeo.”
The most gender-neutral name in the world: Park-namnyeo.
“Wow, Hyung, you really…”
Lee A-gon couldn’t finish his sentence.
“It’s so ugly!”
“Hey, it’s definitely better than Park-gon.”
“How? Park-gon is much better than Park-namnyeo!”
“You insolent brat, you dare to argue with your elder brother?”
They lightly hit each other without hurting, then burst into laughter.
“Okay. Then when the baby is born, we’ll let it choose. Between Park-gon and Park-namnyeo.”
At Lee A-gon’s confident addition, Hae-jun’s face, which had been laughing along, clouded over.
It didn’t matter what they named the child. After all, no baby would be born.
“Let’s get up.”
As Hae-jun pushed Lee A-gon away and tried to stand, he stumbled slightly. Lee A-gon quickly supported him.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I think I twisted it. My leg hurts.”
“Is it the old sprain acting up? Let me see.”
Hearing the word “twisted,” Lee A-gon brought Hae-jun’s ankle onto his lap and massaged it. Hae-jun was about to say it wasn’t necessary, but it felt so good. Moreover, the pain subsided surprisingly quickly.
“They say pregnant women’s feet swell often, so I learned this in advance. Hyung can’t be in pain.”
“……”
His mood sank further. It was the pregnancy talk again.
It was no use no matter how many times he told him. He had told Lee A-gon more than a hundred times that men couldn’t get pregnant, but Lee A-gon firmly believed Hae-jun was carrying a child.
Each time, Hae-jun’s heart felt complicated. No matter what, a baby would never grow inside his body. He was a man, after all. But Lee A-gon yearned for a child so desperately. I can’t give it to you. I can’t bear your child.
Hae-jun no longer felt flustered or bewildered by this. He felt guilty.
“Do you want a baby, Lee A-gon?”
“Yes.”
“Do you like children that much?”
“It’s not just any child. It’s meaningful because it’s Hyung’s child.”
Lee A-gon kissed Hae-jun’s toes. Hae-jun flinched and pulled his foot back.
“When I think that Hyung is carrying my child, I gain faith.”
“Faith? What kind of…”
“Faith that Hyung truly loves me.”
“Even without a child, I truly love you.”
At those words, Lee A-gon’s smile turned wistful. Hae-jun couldn’t understand why he wore such a smile.