BTT 100

The Reason I Fell in Love

Hae-jun stayed home all the time. He didn’t go for walks, and if he needed something, he used delivery services.

It wasn’t just because Lee A-gon had told him not to go out, but more so because of the fluid leaking from his rear.

He had thought it only happened when Lee A-gon touched him, but that wasn’t the case. Even when Lee A-gon had inserted his finger, hadn’t it been dry?

Now, Hae-jun couldn’t figure out the mechanism by which the water came out. The thought that he didn’t know when or how it would happen made him anxious, and he would sometimes stand in front of the mirror, looking at his reflection, lost in worry.

While confined to the house, Hae-jun wrote a screenplay. A new movie script starring Lee A-gon. It wasn’t progressing well. He felt inexplicably stifled and empty.

“When are you coming back?”

Hae-jun called Lee A-gon frequently. He knew he couldn’t call often because he was on location shoots in the provinces, but he kept wanting to call. Lee A-gon would say he could come home every two or three days and hang up, and Hae-jun would be disappointed, a cycle that repeated.

As the days spent alone grew longer, Hae-jun became increasingly depressed. He couldn’t understand why he was so depressed. He hadn’t been depressed much in his life. Even when Professor Seok had wronged him, he had been angry, not depressed.

Perhaps it was because his mind was depressed. His body also became strange.

One day, he woke up wanting to eat tonkatsu. He immediately opened the delivery app to order tonkatsu, but none of the tonkatsu from any restaurant appealed to him.

A moment later, Hae-jun realized that the tonkatsu he wanted was the kind the old woman at the snack bar in front of his high school gate used to fry.

“Ah, that tonkatsu.”

Hae-jun licked his lips. The school he had attended was in Incheon, and he was in Seoul. It was absurd to go all the way there just for tonkatsu. Especially since his body wasn’t right. What if the fluid started leaking on the way… The thought alone was dreadful.

As there was no other choice, Hae-jun picked a nearby tonkatsu place and placed an order. Soon, the tonkatsu was delivered. It was golden brown and looked delicious.

But as soon as Hae-jun took a bite, he scrunched up his face and spat it out. This wasn’t the taste. He didn’t want something so fancy; he wanted the tonkatsu the old woman at the snack bar used to fry.

That day, Hae-jun ordered tonkatsu from five different places. He would take a tiny bite from the edge of each and then put it in the refrigerator. None of them were good. Far from being delicious, they made him feel bad as soon as he ate them.

The next day, he suddenly craved watermelon. It was the end of November. Naturally, there was nowhere selling watermelon.

He called several nearby supermarkets to check. As expected, there was no watermelon. Upon confirming this, Hae-jun suddenly burst into tears.

“What is this?”

Hae-jun cried bitterly. Even as he cried, he found it absurd, wiping his tears and tilting his head. Why am I crying? It’s just that there’s no watermelon. But why am I crying? Why do I feel so miserable?

Yesterday, he had wanted tonkatsu but couldn’t eat it, and today he wanted watermelon but couldn’t have it either. Hae-jun felt it was unbearably sad. He felt like a lunatic.

Even in the afternoon, his sorrow didn’t subside, leaving his chest heavy and constricted. Hae-jun decided to call Lee A-gon. Talking to Lee A-gon usually made him feel a little better when he was in a bad mood.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring……. But Lee A-gon didn’t answer. He must have been filming.

Well, this must be his busiest time. Kim Jun-haeng had decided to shoot the ending scene in multiple versions, so the schedule was tight. Hae-jun understood perfectly. He really did.

The problem was that while his head understood, his emotions didn’t follow. Lately, the calls from Lee A-gon had decreased. He used to call six or seven times a day, but now it was only three or four times.

Why? Why didn’t he call more often? Hae-jun pondered deeply. As he thought, past events resurfaced one after another.

The time he lied about losing his watch and told Hae-jun to go find it, then disappeared with Yang Road. The time he told Hae-jun to bring a male Assistant, and then went up to a hotel with that man. The time he asked Hae-jun to buy condoms, and then threw the box of condoms at him, calling him a fool. Such incidents kept coming to mind, chilling and darkening his heart.

“No.”

Hae-jun roughly wiped his face. Then, he slapped his cheeks hard with both palms and said forcefully,

“No. No. I’ve forgotten it all. I’ve forgotten.”

Those were things that happened because Hae-jun had toyed with Lee A-gon. Therefore, the fault lay with Hae-jun. And it was he himself who had decided to stay by Lee A-gon’s side after enduring all those things.

Hae-jun slapped his cheeks a few more times. It’s okay. We broke up back then. It’s okay to kiss and have sex with other men when you’re broken up. Yes. I just won’t do it now.

Muttering to himself like this, Hae-jun suddenly stood up, grabbed his phone, and immediately called. The recipient was, of course, Lee A-gon.

Ring, ring. A long series of rings followed. Hae-jun didn’t hang up and kept waiting. After a while, a message saying the customer could not be reached and was being transferred to voicemail appeared, so he hung up and called again. He repeated this about ten times.

―Hello.

Finally, Lee A-gon answered. Hae-jun involuntarily stood up.

“Where are you?”

―At the filming set. Is something wrong? You have over ten missed calls…

“When are you coming back?”

Hae-jun cut off Lee A-gon’s words. Lee A-gon was silent for a moment, then replied,

―The day after tomorrow. I told you yesterday. And the day before.

“Can’t you come back sooner?”

Hae-jun knew he was being childish. He knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Why was he so disappointed? He knew how things worked on set, yet he was acting like a child, urging Lee A-gon to come back quickly. His head understood, but his emotions were uncontrollable. He missed him.

―Hyung. Why are you rushing me like this? You know I’m busy.

Lee A-gon asked, sounding puzzled. At that moment, tears welled up in Hae-jun’s eyes. His breathing became ragged, and he let out a sob.

―Hyung?

“……Okay. I’m hanging up.”

―Wait a minute. Are you crying, Hyung?

“No. I’m hanging up.”

―You are crying right now, aren’t you, Hyung?

“I said I’m hanging up.”

Despite saying he was hanging up three times, Hae-jun didn’t hang up. Then, he let out a choked sound, trying to hold back his sobs. After a few more choked sounds, Hae-jun finally burst into tears.

―Hyung!

Lee A-gon called out to Hae-jun, almost shouting. Then he fell silent.

How flustered he must be. Over ten missed calls, urging him to come back sooner, and now crying. Hae-jun himself felt flustered. What was more disconcerting was that his feelings of sorrow were only intensifying.

“You, you, why did you do that back then?”

―Hyung, what do you mean?

“Back then. Why did you get in the car with Yang Road and leave me behind?”

―What?

Lee A-gon pretended not to understand. Hae-jun, amidst his sorrow, became angry.

“On the day of the Cinetalk interview, you did that. You said you forgot the watch prop and told me to go get it. When I came back, you left me behind. You knew my phone and wallet were all in the car, but you did it anyway.”

―Hyung…

“I’m absolutely not trying to pick a fight right now. But, but I just want to hear why you did it.”

Hae-jun roughly wiped his eyes with his forearm. He felt like a child, on the verge of hiccuping.

―Hyung, I was wrong back then. I’m sorry.

“No, I’m not looking for an apology right now. I just want to hear the reason, that’s why I’m sniffling.”

Hae-jun, despite feeling sorrowful and angry, watched Lee A-gon’s reaction. Their relationship had just barely recovered. He was afraid of being dumped again.

―I’m not trying to make excuses, but I didn’t know your phone and wallet were in the car back then. Did you really expect me to think you’d walk all the way home? It was only later, when Yang Road was packing up your bag, that I realized. I’m sorry.

“So that’s what happened. You didn’t do it just to mess with me completely.”

His heart was about to be appeased, but Hae-jun still had a lot left unsaid. As soon as one issue was resolved, the next one flared up, igniting his heart.

“Did you sleep with that guy?”

―Huh? That guy?

“Kim Sung-hoon!”

Eventually, Hae-jun shouted. I gasped for breath. I know this shouldn’t be happening, but I couldn’t take control.

“You asked me to buy condoms because you were going to sleep with that guy.” Are you going to keep pretending?”Ah…”

“Make sure to buy condoms, three times.” Throwing a condom box right at someone’s face. You’re really not going to do that.Tears fell down in drops. Now, Hae-jun didn’t even think about hiding the fact that he was crying. No, I couldn’t do it. I cried so much that my head felt dizzy.

Brother, I’m sorry. I really have nothing to say about that.

“How can you go up to a hotel with another man in front of me…” With another man.That memory would never be forgotten. It will probably be remembered until the day the coffin is closed.

I had to bring another person to the man I love with my own hands and watch the two of them go to the hotel from behind. On top of that, I even ran errands for condoms. I don’t know how much it hurt. I felt like my heart was being torn apart even now.

Brother, please. Don’t cry. I didn’t sleep with that man.

“Lie.””It’s true.”

“Then why did you tell me to buy condoms?””That is…”