By Zephyria After his shower, the face staring back at him in the mirror looked haggard, even to himself. The night shoot had been the day before yesterday, and his condition had worsened steadily during filming. He’d dismissed it as fatigue, thinking nothing of it, and headed back to Seoul after wrapping up. It was for a two-day break.
But his condition had only deteriorated since arriving home. After vomiting three or four times from dawn until morning, he’d finally fallen asleep, exhausted. He would have thought he’d feel a bit better, but nausea and dizziness kept him confined to bed, passing the tedious hours.
If Mom or Dad had seen me like this, their faces would have turned white with worry and they’d have thrown a fit. He smiled bitterly at his reflection, thinking such thoughts. But it was a face that was more Baek Kang-like. A face that was closer to an actor.
As Yoon Joo-ho was about to leave the sink, his gaze landed on the toothbrush holder. While Yoon Joo-ho’s toothbrush had been replaced twice, another one remained in its spot. He didn’t ask himself why he hadn’t thrown it away. As if leaving it there would somehow make everything return to how it was.
Pulling down the towel draped over his head, he turned and left the bathroom. He wanted to light a scented candle. Unable to do that, he sat at the table by the window and lit a cigarette. Clouds covered the evening sky after sunset. The city lights reflected off the clouds, casting a dim glow.
Everything felt hollow, devoid of life. Being on set was a hundred times better. Should he go out for a drink? He wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway. As he reached for the ashtray with that thought, Yoon Joo-ho paused.
“…”
On the table, cluttered with various items left neglected since filming began, a book caught his eye.
A Translation of Nietzsche’s Words
He opened the page he’d flipped through the most, the one smudged with fingerprints.
Just seeing that passage made his heart flutter.
This time, his gaze shifted to a notebook hidden beneath the book. Seeing the cover adorned with cat illustrations made his shoulders slump and a laugh escape his lips. A cat notebook with a set of cat pens. Thinking back, Song Hyun-soo must have been hypnotizing him to stop being stubborn and adopt Monroe from that point on.
“Clever bastard.”
Though he knew he shouldn’t, he ended up flipping open the notebook’s cover. A message written in a handwriting he’d grown accustomed to. He reread the message, which he’d memorized after reading it hundreds of times.
Senior, honestly, I’m ignorant.
I can almost hear your voice saying “I know” haha.
Even this famous philosopher, I only barely know his name. I skimmed the book at the bookstore, but what was he even talking about…
Still, I chose this book because of page xx. I saw a photo of that page online, and it felt like it was about you.
You’ve always been my hero. Like Baek Kang was to Lee San. Don’t doubt my fan love.
I like movies where the hero doesn’t get hurt at all.
So, Senior, don’t lose to anyone.
Go to a free and high place.
It was Song Hyun-soo’s message that had set Yoon Joo-ho free. It had lifted him up.
After saying such things, and making him tremble with the fear of losing them. Yoon Joo-ho turned his gaze out the window, brought the filter to his lips, and muttered.
“You bastard.”
He opened the page marked with a bookmark, shifted the cigarette to his left hand, and picked out one of the eleven pens.
To restart the transcription he had long abandoned, a task that had been unnecessary while Song Hyun-soo was in this house.
The page he was about to restart on, of all things, bore such a subheading.
“…”
Yoon Joo-ho stopped his hand and slowly straightened his back. Then, he read the next line with his eyes.
He put down his pen and sat there, dazed, for a long time. Forgetting even to smoke.
『“Hiding, deceiving, making a fool of someone. Isn’t that betrayal?”』
Song Hyun-soo’s face, looking so utterly exhausted, wouldn’t leave his mind. The face that made him think, ‘It’s over.’ The face that made him feel despair, thinking, ‘He won’t accept me anymore.’
He remained seated until the bell rang, signaling Director Bang’s arrival. He hastily closed the book and notebook, stubbed out the cigarette that had burned down on its own, and went out to the living room.
“You’re up and washed? Are you feeling a bit better?”
Director Bang, who had stopped by Monroe’s room first to say hello, spoke in a relieved tone upon seeing Yoon Joo-ho’s attire. He was carrying plastic bags, as if he’d bought various things.
“Still not feeling well?”
“I don’t know. I still feel nauseous.”
“Even after throwing up so much?”
Yoon Joo-ho followed Director Bang into the kitchen and took out a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Director Bang placed the plastic bags on the island counter and began unpacking the items he’d bought.
“You said you didn’t throw up today.”
“Still not feeling well.”
“That’s all in your head. Of course, you’d feel sick if you haven’t eaten anything and just lay there. I’ll drive you, so go to Pilates tomorrow.”
“Don’t even mention that guy.”
Yoon Joo-ho, who had been drinking water while standing, immediately bared his teeth and showed hostility at the mention of Seohae. Director Bang looked amused by his reaction.
“Why? Jealous that you’re not staying with Hyun-soo?”
Yoon Joo-ho turned his cold gaze back to Director Bang.
“Should I put you on the blacklist too?”
Director Bang, placing the still-warm porridge bowl last, said as he put the items he’d laid out on the counter into the refrigerator.
“You said you forced yourself to eat all the packed lunches fans sent, right? That’s why you’re constipated. Or…”
“Or what.”
Yoon Joo-ho, sitting on a stool at the island counter and drinking water, put down the bottle of water as he met Director Bang’s meaningful gaze.
“It could be lovesickness.”
“…”
Yoon Joo-ho just glared this time, without a word. His gaze was even more menacing than before. This time, there was no trace of joking on Director Bang’s face. He looked at Yoon Joo-ho as if dealing with a troublesome problem and peeled the paper wrapping off the porridge.
“Stop acting out and eat this. I bought it for you.”
“I told you I’m not eating it.”
“And if you don’t? You’ll starve to death? You need to eat and regain your strength to go after Hyun-soo.”
“Ah, stop talking about that!”
He yelled on an empty stomach for too long, and a strong wave of dizziness washed over him. Leaning on the counter with his elbows, Yoon Joo-ho lowered his head and rubbed his face furiously.
“You can’t just stay curled up in your shell like a hermit crab.”
“…”
“I got a call from
“Did you tell Song Hyun-soo about that?”
“I did. He seemed pleased.”
“What did he say?”
“Hyun-soo said he’d leave it to the company’s decision.”
“Anything else?”
“What else?”
“Did you tell him I was sick?”
“…”
Director Bang’s face, looking at Yoon Joo-ho, contorted as much as it possibly could.
“Why would you tell someone who didn’t ask?”
“No, since we both know him, it could have come up in conversation. I threw up all night, isn’t that serious?”
Director Bang shook his head with a sigh, clicking his tongue as if he were fed up.
“Right now, Hyun-soo can’t take on other work because of the
“He’s my actor. Do you think I’d dislike him succeeding?”
“It means the time he’ll be in your arms won’t be that long.”
“…”
“Admit it, Yoon Joo-ho. That you can’t live without him.”
“…”
“It’s a different dimension from losing him before you even properly start. You’ve allowed Song Hyun-soo too much. That kid has already changed you.”
Perhaps it was because he hadn’t eaten for a whole day. This time, he didn’t even have the energy to yell and deny it. Avoiding Director Bang’s gaze, Yoon Joo-ho looked down at the counter at an angle. Like a child severely scolded and dejected, he scratched the counter with his index finger. Then, he muttered a cryptic word.
“Canned peaches.”
“…What?”
“Ask me to get canned peaches. I’ll eat that.”
“Peaches in a can, that?”
“That.”
“Why are you suddenly asking for something you never looked for?”
“I won’t eat anything else.”
Yoon Joo-ho stood up from the stool, pushing the porridge bowl away.