By Zephyria It had already been six years since I started liking Choi Tae-gyeom. The period I had known him was about four times longer than that, and the period I would know him would be about ten times longer than that.
Six years. During that long time, I denied that I was an Omega, and I couldn’t even give up my feelings for him.
‘I just didn’t want you to be an Omega.’
I knew what he meant and what his intentions were. Choi Tae-gyeom doesn’t hate me just because I’m an Omega, as I was worried about. However, he wouldn’t be able to stay comfortably by my side as he used to when I was an Omega. It was something that wouldn’t have happened if I had been a Beta in any way.
‘I don’t want to control you with pheromones.’
I don’t really care. I didn’t mind if he poured Alpha pheromone on me, made me horny, or treated me however he wanted, if Choi Tae-gyeom wanted to. No, I was okay with it because I liked Choi Tae-gyeom. I was willing to be swayed by him.
But when we had sex, Choi Tae-gyeom regained his senses as soon as I started to cry. He took back the pheromones he had released, and he didn’t release them unless I wasn’t in pain. If the actions I thought were just hesitation were actually him being cautious. Then, could it really be different next time?
‘I’m not even sure I won’t do that again.’
No matter how much I thought about it, the answer was ‘no’. He said he wasn’t sure, but I knew he would be more careful than anyone else. Next time, and the time after that. Choi Tae-gyeom would be cautious throughout the act.
I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable. I didn’t want him to be cautious of me or to whip himself either. I just wanted him to feel at ease, at least by my side.
‘You’ve always been like that.’
‘……’
‘You do everything I ask you to do, and you can’t refuse anything I ask you to do.’
‘……’
‘What’s with that sense of duty…’
What did I want to do with Choi Tae-gyeom anyway?
I can say for sure that it wasn’t a relationship. While I liked Choi Tae-gyeom, I never once thought I wanted to date him. Even the desire to touch him, hug him, and be with him was just a primal urge. Perhaps a good friend was the most suitable relationship for me.
Looking back, it was full of regrets. Not holding onto Choi Tae-gyeom, not telling him I liked him, hiding that I was an Omega, and falling in love with him.
If I could go back, I wanted to go back. To the time when I could stay by Choi Tae-gyeom’s side without these complicated thoughts. To the time when I could hang out with Choi Tae-gyeom without any ulterior motives.
That night, I had a dream about Choi Tae-gyeom. We were gathered in his room to study for the exams, but we ended up chatting instead of studying. I was lying on Choi Tae-gyeom’s bed playing a mobile game that was popular at the time, and Choi Tae-gyeom, who had been kindly teaching me at first, later laughed and teased me.
‘You’re really bad at this.’
‘No, why isn’t this working?’
It wasn’t a difficult game. I understood it in my head, and the controls were simple. All I had to do was jump the running character in time, but it wasn’t as easy as I thought.
‘You have to press it faster.’
‘I pressed it, but it’s not jumping.’
‘You have to avoid that…’
‘…Wasn’t I supposed to eat it?’
‘You idiot, it’s a bomb.’
The character that Choi Tae-gyeom was playing ran smoothly, but the character I was playing kept getting caught on obstacles or falling into pits. Choi Tae-gyeom watched me with a smile on his face, and occasionally laughed out loud as if he couldn’t stand it.
‘Don’t laugh at me.’
‘I’m not laughing…’
Before he could finish his sentence, my character fell into a pit. Instead of pressing ‘REPLAY’, I pulled on Choi Tae-gyeom’s sleeve.
‘You do it again.’
Choi Tae-gyeom sat down next to me without a word. He raised his body halfway and stared at the screen, and his skillful hands started the game. Unlike me, who died as soon as I started, Choi Tae-gyeom’s character jumped well.
‘You’re good…’
Come to think of it, there was nothing Choi Tae-gyeom couldn’t do. Sports, studying. And all kinds of games. The world is so unfair. Did he really need to give one person so much talent?
‘Why can’t I do it?’
I muttered to myself and leaned my head on Choi Tae-gyeom. The moment my head touched his shoulder, the character in the game jumped towards an obstacle. It was the bomb that he said I had to avoid.
‘……Oh.’
It was a very basic mistake. He must have been flustered too, because he twitched his fingers and stopped moving. The words ‘GAME OVER’ were displayed in large letters on the screen.
‘You said I wasn’t supposed to eat it, idiot.’
‘……I guess so.’
Choi Tae-gyeom handed me the phone without a word. Even though it ended in a mistake, the score was different from mine from the start. It was a pity, I could have set a new record if I had done a little better. Of course, he had set the previous record too.
‘I should delete it. It’s not fun.’
‘Just after doing that?’
I heard a puff of air. He rubbed his cheek against my head and slid his upper body down. When I raised my arm so he could lie down comfortably, his round head settled on my side.
‘I’m sleepy.’
‘Take a nap.’
He wrapped his arms around my waist like a child. When I gently stroked his hair, he made a happy expression as if he was purring. I traced the corners of his lips with my eyes and pulled the blanket over him with my other hand.
‘When should I wake you up?’
‘I don’t know… in about 30 minutes.’
‘Aren’t you going to sleep more?’
‘I have to wake up and study.’
His voice was sleepy. The way he rubbed his face was similar to a small animal. He let his long eyelashes droop and breathed evenly.
‘Good night.’
I liked Choi Tae-gyeom’s sleeping face. The moment his beautiful features became more gentle than ever. The comfortable appearance that he, who rarely let his guard down, only showed in front of me.
The word ‘pretty’ couldn’t express it. The feeling of tickling in my chest and curling my toes created a sweeter feeling than that. It was one of the damp emotions that I only felt for Choi Tae-gyeom.
I think I liked Choi Tae-gyeom even back then. I just didn’t realize it, but Choi Tae-gyeom was precious to me even then. I drew a line because I liked him, and I didn’t cross it because he was precious to me. The line that I had protected still existed vaguely between him and me.
* * *
The midterm exams passed in the blink of an eye. It was because I hated having random thoughts, so I devoted myself to studying for days. Fortunately, the grades weren’t bad considering I had crammed, and all the exams came to an end with the last major subject.
“Hyung! You know what’s today, right?”
In the meantime, the rumors that had spread around the school had also subsided. I heard that Choi Tae-gyeom had silenced them, but I didn’t know the details because I had deliberately closed my ears. What was certain was that there was no longer any need to hide the fact that I was an Omega.
“You’re so energetic even though you stayed up all night.”
I took the last exam with Park Seong-jae. From the day before, Park Seong-jae had been sharply saying that he was going to retake the course and demanded that I study in the club room all night, and I listened to Park Seong-jae’s request, thinking that I would sleep on the cot if necessary. As a result, Park Seong-jae was the only one who stayed up all night, but I, who hadn’t slept for a few hours, was also very tired.
“Of course, I went to school for this day.”
“Did you do well on the exam?”
“You shouldn’t dwell on the past.”
Park Seong-jae shook his head with a firm expression. ‘I can make up for it in the final exam.’ His voice, which added that, was full of firm will. Should I point out that he says the same thing every year and ends up taking summer classes? No, it’s better to leave him alone today.
“Kim Min-jeong finishes at five, and the department gathering is at six.”
“There’s still a lot of time left.”
The exam was in the morning, so it wasn’t even twelve o’clock yet. Of course, it was too early to drink.
“Yeah, you’re going too, right, hyung?”
He had been pestering me since last night. He had promised to buy me alcohol, so he was telling me to come to the department gathering instead of buying it for me. I had been ignoring my classmates’ calls so much that Park Seong-jae must have taken the lead.
“I’ll pass.”
“Why!”
It was like looking at a puppy that had its snack stolen. No, too big to be a puppy. Maybe a bear that missed its prey right in front of its eyes. Park Seong-jae looked wronged, but today, there was really no choice.
“I’m going to see my parents.”
It was the first time since starting independent living that I decided to visit my family home. I kept putting it off, thinking it was close, and before I knew it, almost half a year had passed without even showing my face. Since the exams were over and it was still early, I thought I’d go home and stay overnight.
“Then there’s nothing I can do…”
Park Seong-jae mumbled, his eyebrows drooping. No matter how much he liked to drink, he couldn’t stop me from seeing my parents. Looking disappointed, he drooped his shoulders and spoke with those sparkling eyes of his.
“Then let’s drink with the club members tomorrow. How about it?”
The club members would be Park Seong-jae, Min-jeong-ssi, and Kim Do-hyun. Choi Tae-gyeom’s face flashed in my mind for a moment, but it was fleeting.
“Sure, whatever.”
“Yes!”
Park Seong-jae clenched his fists and exclaimed. It’s not like I’m particularly fun when I go to drinking parties. I can’t figure out why he keeps trying to recruit me. Well, I didn’t dislike the sight of it, though.
“Since we have to drink tomorrow too, don’t drink too much.”
“Yeah, don’t worry.”
He says that, but he’ll probably drink until he’s completely out of it. It’ll be a miracle if he doesn’t die from a hangover tomorrow. And he’s already thinking about drinking again in the evening. He’s a brave guy, indeed.
“Then I’m off, so tell Min-jeong-ssi I’ll see her tomorrow too.”
I said goodbye to Park Seong-jae and retraced the route home. It takes 30 minutes by bus. I was planning to stop by my place, take a shower, and change clothes before that. I have pajamas there, so I wouldn’t need to pack anything separately.
It felt new and strange. When I get home, Choi Tae-gyeom will be next door. Even though it’s a place I’ve lived in all my life, I felt quite nervous.
When I arrived in front of the house, the firmly closed gate greeted me. The doorbell didn’t elicit any response, and the familiar door lock only beeped a warning that the password was incorrect. Come to think of it, they changed the number periodically. It seemed they both forgot to tell me.
—The customer is not answering the phone…
A familiar mechanical voice flowed from my phone. It was very unfortunate news that the other party was unavailable. I should have contacted them in advance. I briefly forgot that they rarely answer the phone during work.
“What should I do…”
It was quite a perplexing situation. I couldn’t just go back after coming all this way. If I waited until they came, I might have to stand here for hours. I left a message asking for the house password, but it was uncertain when they would check it.
‘Did the password change again?’
Actually, this wasn’t the first time this had happened. My parents were far from meticulous and unintentionally neglected me. Partly because they were busy with work, and partly because they were naturally indifferent. It’s not like I feel lonely now, but I can’t help but feel a little disappointed.
‘Come here, Lee Yoon-woo. Let’s go to my room.’
At least I had Choi Tae-gyeom back then.
Every time that happened, Choi Tae-gyeom would shake his head and open his door. He would say that my parents were too much, how could they forget every time. He even added that it was obvious that I was like my parents in that I didn’t pay attention to my surroundings.
Thinking about it now, Choi Tae-gyeom might have played a part in why my parents became indifferent. They probably worried less because I had a place to go even when the gate was locked. As this happened repeatedly, I didn’t really feel there was a problem either.
“Haa…”
A stuffy sigh escaped. The firmly closed gate felt so daunting. I wondered if I should climb over the wall, but when I looked at the gate, there was a security sticker plastered on it. Even if I somehow got over the gate, the next problem was getting into the house.
In the end, I squatted down by the flower bed next to the gate and tapped on my phone. I had left a message for my mom, so now it was my dad’s turn. I was thinking of waiting a little longer and going back to my place if I didn’t get a reply. It wouldn’t be bad to visit again on the weekend.
“…Yoon-woo?”
It was about five minutes later that someone called my name. I hadn’t slept properly yesterday, and the weather was warm and drowsy, so my eyelids were slowly closing as sleepiness washed over me. Tap, tap, the sound of footsteps woke me up.
“Oh my goodness, Yoon-woo, why are you like this?”
The person who rushed over was Choi Tae-gyeom’s mother. Dressed in a sharp suit and with her hair cut short, she looked every bit the career woman. I widened my eyes at the face that looked just like Choi Tae-gyeom and hesitantly got up.
“Ah, Aunt… hello.”
“Don’t tell me, your parents changed the password again?”
Auntie grasped the whole situation without a word. When I gave a sheepish smile, she lightly clicked her tongue and frowned. Her slightly furrowed face was so youthful that she didn’t look like she was in her fifties at all.
“Seriously, what are they thinking, not letting their son into the house when he comes after so long?”
Auntie patted my pants. I could feel a faint Alpha pheromone from Auntie as she came closer. It was gentle and refreshing, a different vibe from Choi Tae-gyeom’s.
“You’ve become half your size. Are you eating properly while living on your own?”
“Yes, I’m eating well.”
Auntie looked at me with very worried eyes. She turned my face this way and that, and touched my shoulders and arms. ‘I told Tae-gyeom to take care of Yoon-woo…’ I couldn’t help but shudder at those words.
“Let’s go to my house. Your parents said they’ll be late today.”
She grabbed my hand. Before I could say anything, Auntie naturally led me away. Before I could even stammer, the door to the next house was wide open.
“J-Just a moment, Auntie.”
I pulled my hand back, one foot still on the gate. Auntie turned her head and gave me a puzzled look.
“Why?”
“No, I…”
I couldn’t pull my hand away. I definitely had more grip strength, but I couldn’t just shake her off heartlessly. Auntie softened her expression slightly as she looked at me, who was fidgeting.
“Is he being shy now that he’s older? It’s okay, come on in. My house is your house.”
“That’s not it…”
“Huh?”
I couldn’t think of a good excuse. I couldn’t say that Choi Tae-gyeom told me he would forget me, or that I felt awkward seeing his face. No, actually, I was the one who didn’t have the confidence to see Choi Tae-gyeom.
“Could it be that you two…”
Auntie narrowed her eyes, quickly catching on. The gaze that met mine in the air sparkled as if seeing right through me. Both Choi Tae-gyeom and Auntie had that effect; when I met their eyes, I felt like I wanted to spill my guts.
“You’re not fighting like little kids, are you?”
“…Why would we fight?”
A weak laugh escaped. I’d rather we fought so we could make up. This was too ambiguous to be called a fight. It was just that the direction of our feelings was pointing in different directions.
“Tae-gyeom has been so down lately, I thought he had a fight with you.”
He was down. Even though he declared that he would give up on me, he wasn’t feeling good either. That fact made me feel relieved and worried at the same time.
“I thought you guys were having a late adolescence, even though you never fought when you were kids…”
“…”
“Well, there’s no way he’d fight with you.”
Auntie smiled brightly and patted my back. Tae-gyeom is so spoiled with you. Her voice, mixed with laughter, also contained affection for me. Even though it had been years since we last met, I didn’t feel awkward at all.
When I came inside, I could feel the pheromones of several people. Choi Tae-gyeom’s parents, and Choi Tae-gyeom. As if they were a family, the subtly remaining pheromones had a way of calming the mind.
“I just came to get something, so I have to go out again. Take out whatever’s in the fridge and eat it. If you’re sleepy, sleep in Tae-gyeom’s room.”
With those words, Auntie really just grabbed her documents and left. I wondered why she was at home at this hour. As far as I knew, his parents were both working and busy. It seemed like the timing just happened to be good.
I stood in the empty living room and blankly looked around the house. The spacious living room and neatly organized interior were no different from what I remembered as a child. The TV where Choi Tae-gyeom and I used to watch movies was still there, and the sofa where we used to lie side by side and eat snacks was still there. The family photo hanging above the TV was still there.
“Cute.”
Choi Tae-gyeom in the photo was much younger than he is now. His hair was a little shorter, and he was wearing a baggy school uniform. His eyes resembled his Alpha mother, and his nose and lips resembled his Omega father. This was probably when he had just entered middle school.
‘Uncle, is Tae-gyeom there?’
‘Oh dear… Tae-gyeom left early today.’
Around that time, Choi Tae-gyeom, who had manifested as an Alpha, avoided me for no reason. When I talked to him, he would mumble and ignore me, and when going to and from school, he would secretly leave without me knowing. I came to find Choi Tae-gyeom every morning, but the one who greeted me was Choi Tae-gyeom’s father, who was late for work at the time.
‘Uncle will tell Tae-gyeom to wait for you tomorrow.’
Uncle said that, but Choi Tae-gyeom didn’t wait for me. A month, two months. Until winter vacation started and we became second-year students. The escape that lasted for almost half a year ended on the day I went to school early for my turn as a duty student.
I still didn’t know why he avoided me back then. Whether he was embarrassed by the sudden manifestation, or whether he didn’t want to show me his appearance of being toyed with by an Omega. I wanted to ask the reason, but I didn’t because I thought he wouldn’t answer.
I wonder when Choi Tae-gyeom will be back…
I hesitated for a moment. Should I go back as is, or should I wait for Choi Tae-gyeom in his room? Since we haven’t met since the day he said he would give up on me, it would definitely be awkward if we ran into each other like this.
Even though all sorts of worries came to mind, my steps headed towards Choi Tae-gyeom’s room. Having come into a space of memories that was so familiar, my body didn’t listen to me.
I’ve come this far, I should at least see his face. Just because he said he would give up on me doesn’t mean he said he wouldn’t see me. If I go back now, Auntie will be disappointed, and there’s nowhere else to go anyway. Besides, I had no reason to avoid him.
“…”
Of course, no matter how many excuses I made, there was only one reason. It was simply because I missed Choi Tae-gyeom. Because I was curious about how the space full of memories we shared had changed now.
I stood in front of Choi Tae-gyeom’s door and took a deep breath. A place I used to go in and out of without a second thought now felt unfamiliar. The act of grabbing the doorknob and turning it kept faltering.
Click, the sound of the door opening was loud. Choi Tae-gyeom’s pheromones flowed out through the crack in the door. And the scene that appeared before my eyes gave me an unbearably deep longing.
“…It’s the same.”
Everything was the same. The bed he used, the closet and desk, the bookshelf in the corner and the neatly arranged books. Everything was the same as in my memories, except for the fact that textbooks had been replaced with major books, and school uniforms had been replaced with college jackets.
“…”
An unknown emotion welled up. It was a space I had encountered countless times in dreams and memories. I stayed there more often than my own room, and it was more familiar than my own bed. The only difference was that there were pheromones floating around that I hadn’t felt before.
It felt like my brain was melting. It felt like he was hugging me, stroking my back, and pouring out his pheromones. Everywhere, here and there, was full of Choi Tae-gyeom’s things, so pheromones surged like waves.
‘If you’re an Omega, you can’t come to my room.’
‘…’
‘I won’t let you come.’
I remembered Choi Tae-gyeom’s passing words. I thought he was just saying it because he hated Omegas, but that wasn’t the case. The pheromones filling the room were so dizzying that I almost wanted to lose my mind.
When I came to my senses, I was sitting on Choi Tae-gyeom’s bed. The space where he spent the most time was, as expected, heavily marked with pheromones. I lowered my head and buried my face in the blanket, inhaling with all my might.
“Haa…”
I didn’t even realize I was acting like a pervert. The pheromones that permeated deep into my lungs melted the cells throughout my body. My eyes twitched and my breath was mixed with body heat. A warm sensation spread from my lower abdomen, from that vicinity.
It wasn’t so much heat as it was stability. It felt like I was building a nest and going inside it. My body, already intoxicated with Alpha pheromones, demanded an even cozier sensation, and I pulled the blanket over and curled up into a ball.
“…Eumm.”
Ah, this is nice. There was no one to disturb the vague thoughts that came to mind. The same was true for the intermittent loss of reason. I could feel warm pheromones from the blanket I was holding in my arms. Every time I took a breath, once, twice, the empty inside filled up.
I’m freely taking pheromones in an empty room. Auntie, who told me to take a nap, probably didn’t want this. Choi Tae-gyeom, the owner of the room, probably doesn’t even know I’m here.
The feeling was different from sexual desire. My head was hazy, and I couldn’t put strength into my fingertips. My judgment gradually became blurred, as if I were drunk.
Pheromones flowed out from the inside. I didn’t even think about keeping them in or suppressing them a little. As I smeared my pheromones on the soft blanket, the sensation of mixing bodies with Choi Tae-gyeom that night was replayed.
“…”
What do you mean by being swayed by pheromones? I only have memories of being intoxicated with pleasure.
The rising breath scattered in the air. Choi Tae-gyeom’s pheromones were much stronger than those of a typical Alpha, so no matter how much I sprayed my pheromones, they didn’t fade. I couldn’t help but like that fact.
But no desire could compare to the sleepiness that was washing over me. The time it took for my eyelids to close gradually lengthened, and my mind was intermittently blacked out. The fluffy bedding, and the stability provided by his pheromones. It was enough to realize the fatigue I had forgotten.
I was more tired than I thought. By the time I realized that, I was already falling into the clutches of sleep. Forgetting that I was in Choi Tae-gyeom’s house, forgetting that I was lying on his bed. My mind faded away.
Someone was stroking my hair. The touch of ruffling my hair was as careful as touching thin glass. Every time long fingers tangled between my hair, a pleasant sense of floating enveloped my body.
Instinctively, I knew I had slept for a long time. My whole body was languid, but my mind was clear and I didn’t feel the same fatigue as before. In the meantime, the touch that had left with regret slowly approached again.
“…”
Just, my eyes opened softly. As naturally as I had fallen asleep. Waking up was also instantaneous. What I saw beyond the brightened vision was Choi Tae-gyeom sitting on the bed.
“Did you wake up?”
Choi Tae-gyeom didn’t stop stroking my hair. He met my gaze and gently folded his eyes, brushing my bangs back.
“You slept well.”
At that moment, I couldn’t think of anything. Only Choi Tae-gyeom and me. It felt like only the two of us were left. The story he had told me, the thoughts I had worried about alone, none of the complicated emotions came to mind.
“…What time is it?”
So I asked in a casual tone. My voice was a little hoarse because I had just woken up. Choi Tae-gyeom chuckled and brought the phone he had placed next to him.
“It’s five o’clock.”
I entered Choi Tae-gyeom’s house at one o’clock. I slept for quite a long time for a short nap. I’ve never taken such a long nap. I guess I was tired after all.
“Your parents called earlier and I answered instead. They said they’d leave the password in a text message.”
I blinked in response. My parents had called ‘earlier’. Then, how long has Choi Tae-gyeom been next to me? Seeing me in the room, what was he thinking, and how long has he been looking at me?
“Are you going to sleep more?”
“No…”
This situation felt like a dream. No, the words that he would give up on me felt like a dream. After turning his back so mercilessly, he can’t even push me away, even though I’m occupying his bed. To me, that looked like the lingering feelings he had left behind.
“Did Auntie tell you I came?”
“No.”
With a soft rustle, the touch that swept back my hair tickled. It was still a cautious touch, but not as tantalizingly close as before. The familiar sensation of being soothed was as peaceful and comforting as it used to be.
“I just came into the room, and you were here.”
Choi Tae-gyeom answered in a calm voice. He slowly withdrew his hand and then added playfully, as if on purpose.
“I thought I saw wrong at first.”
If it were me, I would have been surprised beyond words. If I came home and Choi Tae-gyeom was there. And sound asleep, at that, oblivious to anything.
“When did you come into the room?”
“Well…”
His gaze darted around. I hadn’t noticed, but Choi Tae-gyeom was wearing his outdoor clothes. He got up from the bed, looked down at me, and said quietly,
“Around three.”
I had nothing to say in response. His answer sounded as if he had been watching me since three. When I kept my mouth shut, Choi Tae-gyeom pulled the blanket up to my face.
“I’m going to change, so stay like that for a second.”
Since when did we care about that? I felt absurd, but I didn’t push the blanket away. I didn’t have the confidence to watch Choi Tae-gyeom change clothes in front of me.
Perhaps it was because I was blocking my view, but the sound of clothes rustling was vivid. My hearing had become more sensitive as my sight had dulled. No matter how hard I tried to divert my attention, the rustling sound penetrated the blanket.
“Are you done changing?”
“Just a moment.”
He moved his body like a larva. I turned my body to the other side and closed my eyes, and then I suddenly realized something new.
Just before I went to sleep, I was definitely hugging the blanket. I wasn’t using a pillow like I was now, and I wasn’t lying straight on the bed either. If someone hadn’t taken care of me while I was sleeping, I would have been in the same position when I opened my eyes. And who that someone was, there was no need to say.
“Okay.”
With a whoosh, the blanket was pulled away. As light poured in, I saw Choi Tae-gyeom, who had changed into comfortable clothes. He created some distance between us and smoothed his hair. After combing it down a few times with his hands, his messy hair was neatly arranged.
“My parents want us to have dinner together. Your parents said they’d be here around seven too.”
“Then what do we do until then?”
It was almost a reflex to ask. Seven was almost two hours away. It wasn’t that I wanted Choi Tae-gyeom to pause or be embarrassed by my question.
“…Are you going to stay here?”
Choi Tae-gyeom made a face as if he regretted saying those words. It was no wonder he looked like that, since the nuance was as if he was telling me to go back right away. Of course, I was also caught off guard by his question.
“No, I have to go.”
I forgot because it felt too much like the past. I didn’t come here to have a cozy, trivial conversation with Choi Tae-gyeom. I just happened to come home, and I just happened to fall asleep. Originally, I wasn’t even planning on seeing his face.
“It’s not that I’m telling you to go…”
A subtle awkwardness was felt. The ticklish feeling from a moment ago had already disappeared. Worries I had forgotten were popping up in my head one by one.
Choi Tae-gyeom said he liked me. He also said he would give up. He also asked for a month. Without even thinking that I liked him, to settle for this stable relationship.
Relationships are accompanied by changeability along with uncertainty. It’s harder to maintain them than to develop them, and even if you barely manage to maintain them, they break easily. In that sense, he and I were standing somewhere in the middle of development and maintenance.
“Tae-gyeom-ah.”
Would things change if I said I liked him? I still hadn’t found the answer. If I confessed my feelings and confirmed that we felt the same way, would he look at me wholeheartedly without guilt? That, too, made me uneasy.
“I like you.”
The feelings that had been built up over several years came out surprisingly lightly. It was so casual, so ordinary, that it made all my worries up to now seem pointless. I stared at Choi Tae-gyeom’s stiff face and continued calmly.
“Are you still going to give up on me, even so?”
I knew that this kind of confession was a foul. It was like a lie to anyone who saw it, words that were spoken without any heart. Of course, there was no way Choi Tae-gyeom would take it seriously.
“Yeah.”
The concise answer bound me like shackles. His dark eyes captured me without wavering. He looked at me sitting on the bed and pulled at the corners of his mouth in a hollow way.
“Who knows how long that feeling will last.”
That wasn’t something someone who asked for a month should say. He had declared that he would give up all his feelings within that time, and now he was doubting the duration of my feelings.
“In the first place, there’s no reason for you to like me.”
“…”
“It’s not me you’re attracted to, it’s the pheromone.”
There were so many things I wanted to say. Like how my feelings for him came before I manifested as an Omega, or how I hadn’t been able to give up on those feelings for years. And that there were more than enough reasons for me to like him than he thought.
“It’s okay as it is now.”
His last words were closer to a consolation to himself. It’s okay as it is. It’s okay to settle down here now. It’s enough to be together without any burden, to be able to lean on each other without any burden, just that much of a relationship.
“So don’t say things like that.”
Choi Tae-gyeom drew a line with a firm voice. The moment I heard those words, I vaguely realized it. He, too, had never tried to cross the line he had drawn, not even once.
“…”
I walked towards the door without a word. What could I say when Choi Tae-gyeom said that? He said he would maintain this relationship, so what right did I have to break it?
“I’m going. See you later.”
This was, we were both cowardly. He was hiding because he was scared, and I was hiding while blaming him for it.
Wouldn’t a relationship with proven stability be better than a relationship that could break at any moment? Even though I knew it was foolish, I couldn’t erase this thought.
* * *
Dinner with the two families was fairly decent. Our parents, who were high school classmates, endlessly reminisced, and the never-ending dinner eventually led to drinks. Choi Tae-gyeom and I awkwardly stood by, and later we were pushed by our parents to run errands for alcohol.
And on the way to the convenience store, we didn’t talk about the confession, as if we had made a promise. We exchanged small talk about how we did on the exams and what the professors were like. This time, too, Choi Tae-gyeom walked half a step behind me and deliberately suppressed his pheromones.
Honestly, it wasn’t bad. No, it was actually okay.
It felt like I had gone back to the past. The clear night sky, and Choi Tae-gyeom talking to me kindly, it was like one day from the past. If it weren’t for the emotions that popped up irregularly, I would have thought that I was satisfied with the current situation.
“Oh, Oppa, you’re here?”
After that, I returned to my apartment before the transportation stopped running. My parents were secretly showing that they were sad, but I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in my room. I had to be physically distant to be able to endure it. But even that made me spend the night half-asleep.
“Sorry, am I too late?”
Anyway, time passed, and today was the day I promised to drink with Park Seong-jae. The club members, except for me who had stopped by home for a while, were gathered at the bar. Park Seong-jae and Min-jeong, and Kim Do-hyun. Even though I had only seen them a few times, the club members greeted me quite happily.
“Hyung, come here and sit here. Boss! One more soju glass here!”
“Yoon-woo Oppa doesn’t drink anyway.”
“Hey, it’s the mood. The mood.”
The place Park Seong-jae pointed to was the seat across from him. Kim Do-hyun was next to him, and Min-jeong-ssi was across from Kim Do-hyun. Park Seong-jae, who quickly ordered a soju glass and a small plate, neatly set them in front of me.
“Do-hyun, you fill Yoon-woo Oppa’s glass.”
Min-jeong-ssi handed me a spoon and gestured to Kim Do-hyun. Kim Do-hyun, who had been avoiding my gaze since I came in, glanced at me. Was it the first time since he gave me a cigarette and borrowed my notebook? He had a somewhat reluctant expression, but he picked up the water bottle without complaint.
“Okay, Yoon-woo Hyung is here, so let’s raise our glasses!”
Pour, the soju glass was filled. The reason he poured water instead of soju was because he knew I didn’t drink. I had felt it before, but apart from being rude, he had an amazing sense of what was going on.
“Cheers!”
Park Seong-jae shouted in a very excited voice. Even in the noisy atmosphere, Park Seong-jae’s voice rang out clearly on the table. Clink! The club members cheered along with the sound of glasses clinking.
“Tonight, we’re going to drink all night and die!”
“If you’re going to die, die alone.”
“We have to go together!”
“Park Seong-jae is so annoying.”
Seeing Park Seong-jae and Min-jeong-ssi bickering seemed to relieve my troubled mind. I think they went to the same high school. I sometimes wondered how the two people with such opposite personalities had been getting along until now.
“Uh-oh, Kim Do-hyun’s glass is empty!”
While I was sipping the water in my soju glass, Park Seong-jae pointed at Kim Do-hyun. Kim Do-hyun, who was holding an empty glass and staring blankly, smiled awkwardly.
“I’m going to mix it.”
“Oh, Hyung will make you one.”
“Seong-jae Hyung makes it taste bad…”
“What, you punk?”
“Min-jeong Sunbae makes it taste good.”
Kim Do-hyun smiled kindly and handed his glass to Min-jeong-ssi. Had the rumor that Kim Min-jeong-ssi was good at making somaek spread this far? As expected, Min-jeong-ssi, who never backed down, skillfully opened the soju bottle.
And Min-jeong-ssi poured soju and beer with skillful hands. She even stuck a chopstick in one side and hit the other side to raise the foam, which was perfect. The foam, which was filled to the brim as if it would overflow, quickly disappeared into Kim Do-hyun’s mouth.
“Oppa, do you want a drink too?”
It had been several years since I had been abstaining from alcohol because I was worried that Omega pheromones would come out. I sometimes drank one or two glasses when only Park Seong-jae and Min-jeong-ssi were there, but I had mostly been drinking soda instead of alcohol. In the first place, I didn’t really like alcohol.
“Should I…”
But strangely, I wanted to drink today. I didn’t know if it was because the delicious somaek whetted my appetite, or if it was because Kim Do-hyun was drinking it so refreshingly.
“Aren’t you not supposed to drink, Sunbae?”
Kim Do-hyun took a refreshing shot of somaek and put down his beer glass. It was the first time since this drinking party started that Kim Do-hyun and I made eye contact.
“I don’t really like it. And I can’t control my pheromones when I’m drunk.”
A subtle light flashed across his face. It was the moment he pronounced “pheromone” exactly. Kim Do-hyun, who frowned slightly, slowly opened his mouth.
“Then you shouldn’t drink…”
“There might be days when I want to drink.”
Thump, a glass was placed in front of me. It was the alcohol that Min-jeong-ssi had mixed in the meantime. Min-jeong-ssi interrupted Kim Do-hyun and casually looked at my face.
“Oppa, that didn’t go well for you back then, did it?”
What a perceptive person. At this point, I really wondered if she was reading my mind.
“It’s written all over your face.”
She clicked her tongue briefly and shook her head. Then she filled her glass and held it out to me.
“I won’t abandon you even if you get drunk today.”
I liked this kindness of Min-jeong-ssi. She had a nonchalant face on the outside, but she took care of others more diligently than anyone else. She didn’t ask for details, and she didn’t mention exactly what happened because she was conscious of Kim Do-hyun next to her.
“…That’s a kind thing to say.”
The glass clinked with a cheerful sound. When I drank the alcohol in one gulp, Park Seong-jae, who had been talking noisily, widened his eyes and reacted. Among the gazes that followed me, there was also Kim Do-hyun’s.
“Hyung is drinking?”
“The exams are over, so I’m going to have a drink.”
“That’s great! Okay, let’s cheers with me, cheers!”
Until I came to the drinking party, I had no intention of drinking. No, it was right to say that I had no thoughts at all. But when I thought about it, there was no reason to hide that I was an Omega now, and there was no need to control my pheromones. The exams were over, and tomorrow was a day off, so it wasn’t bad to drink moderately.
“Everyone worked hard on the exams!”
The only one who was unfamiliar with this situation was Kim Do-hyun. Kim Do-hyun, who was holding up his glass as Park Seong-jae told him to, looked at me with a face that he didn’t understand. Once while cheering, and again while putting down his glass. He was moving his lips diligently, but in the end, he tilted his glass without saying anything.
I filled Kim Do-hyun’s empty glass and started talking to him.
“I used your notebook well back then. All the questions came out from what you wrote.”
For a moment, he closed his mouth tightly and grabbed his glass with both hands.
“…I failed the exam because of Sunbae.”
Why is that because of me? I didn’t ask that. It was because he was saying this with a very aggrieved expression.
“Drink moderately.”
It was quite a prickly warning. He was so angry that he was very upset with me. Of course, I could roughly guess the reason.
“There’s no one to take you home when Sunbae’s pheromones come out.”
“It’s okay.”
I lightly clinked glasses with Kim Do-hyun. Both Min-jeong-ssi and Kim Do-hyun were pros at pretending not to worry.
“Don’t worry.”
“Who said I was worried…”
As expected, Kim Do-hyun turned his head and raised his glass. He said that, but his face was full of embarrassment. Just like that day when he took the cigarette. His ears were turning red.
* * *
How long had it been since the drinking party started? One bottle, two bottles. Gradually, the number of soju bottles and beer bottles increased. It wasn’t enough to fill the table, so later we put them on the floor, and the alcohol we drank had already exceeded a crate. Park Seong-jae was already drunk and moving around aimlessly, and Min-jeong-ssi had been drinking only water without saying a word since a while ago.
“I heard you went to a foreign language high school?”
“Yes, I was in the English department in high school too.”
“Then you must be good at English.”
“…What are you saying while majoring in English?”
At this point, Kim Do-hyun was the only one with a normal face. I had also started to feel the effects of alcohol rapidly since a while ago. Slowly, my vision became blurry every time I blinked.
“Hyeong, should we order more alcohol? Soju? Beer?”
“Order anything.”
“Then both!”
Park Seong-jae, who smiled brightly, ordered alcohol with a flushed face. The employee who happened to be passing by brought two bottles of soju and beer each. We had ordered so much alcohol that now they knew what to do just by raising our hands.
“Okay! This time, I’m going to open it with a lighter!”
This guy, that guy, everyone was drunk and out of their minds. Park Seong-jae, who said he would open it with a lighter but opened the beer with a spoon, and the club members who didn’t realize it and applauded him, saying he was amazing. Of course, I was the same, smiling at those guys.
“Isn’t it better for Sunbae to stop drinking?”
Kim Do-hyun said in a worried tone and took my glass. I pressed my eyes hard to clear my head, but once my vision was blurred, it didn’t come back. Ah, I didn’t intend to drink this much.
“I don’t know…”
I started drinking alcohol in earnest when I drank about two glasses of somaek that Min-jeong-ssi had made. Until then, I had no intention of drinking until I was drunk. There was no one to take care of the club members if I got drunk, and I was cautious about drinking alcohol after a long time.
‘That’s right, but.’
But that determination was quickly broken. A club member who was half drunk asked Park Seong-jae with unfocused eyes.
‘How did it go with Choi Tae-gyeom Sunbae joining the club?’
The chilling silence that fell wasn’t just my imagination. Park Seong-jae, who paused awkwardly, Min-jeong-ssi, who secretly sighed, and even Kim Do-hyun, who was still looking at me.
‘…’
‘He said he was going to join back then, but Yoon-woo Sunbae was sick…’
‘Okay, drink! Drink!’
The topic quickly turned back with Park Seong-jae’s glibness, but I couldn’t get rid of the already sunken mood. Along with the worries I had forgotten, Choi Tae-gyeom’s face floated in front of my eyes.
It was from then on. I didn’t think about the consequences, and I drank the alcohol as soon as the glass was filled.
“Should I pour you one too?”
I smiled weakly and held out the soju bottle to Kim Do-hyun. No, I was going to hold it out. In a flash, my hand slipped, and the soju bottle that had left my hand landed in Kim Do-hyun’s hand.
“…Oh.”
What good reflexes.
“What do you mean oh.”
Hoo, I heard a sigh. When I lowered my eyelids and rested my chin on the table, Kim Do-hyun put down the soju bottle and brought the water bottle.
“You’re so drunk…”
He frowned and held out the glass of water. As if he didn’t trust me at all, he even brought it close to my lips. I gulped down the water, and as soon as I finished, he asked, as if he couldn’t understand.
“What’s wrong with you today?”
Our eyes definitely met, but I couldn’t see what kind of expression Kim Do-hyun was making. The alcohol kept rising to my head, making it hard even to keep my eyes open. Sigh, I heard another sigh.
“I was trying to pretend I didn’t notice out of courtesy.”
“Since when were you the type to stand on ceremony?”
“Anyway.”
I’d been feeling strange since a while ago. I kept giggling for no reason, and I also wanted to fall asleep like this. I nodded with my eyes closed, and Kim Do-hyun opened his mouth with a sigh.
“What Min-jeong-ssi said earlier, about things not working out.”
“Yeah.”
“That’s about Choi Tae-gyeom sunbae, right?”
I slowly lifted my eyelids. My vision was still blurry, and I couldn’t see Kim Do-hyun’s expression either. He’s really quick on the uptake. Thinking that, I answered as before.
“Yeah.”
“……Haa.”
He ran a hand over his face. Then, as if he was going crazy, he turned his head the other way. In that gap, I grabbed the soju bottle and poured it into the empty glass, but before I could even fill it, my wrist was grabbed.
“Stop drinking.”
Kim Do-hyun effortlessly took the soju bottle away. The soju bottle, placed far away, was barely within reach even when I stretched my arm out. The wrist that had been grabbed was released smoothly with a couple of shakes.
“I thought something was off.”
“What?”
“Since that day… Ah, I told you to stop drinking.”
This time, even the glass that had contained soju was taken away. Losing everything in an instant, I was left with the glass of water that Kim Do-hyun had poured for me.
“I’m not that drunk.”
“No, sunbae is drunk, your behavior is just calm.”
“I’m not.”
“Sort out your pheromone first and then talk.”
My brain was slow to process the words. Pheromone? Ah, pheromone… As Kim Do-hyun said, I tried to control my pheromone, but it wasn’t as easy as I thought. No, this isn’t even that much, is it?
“You really have a good nose.”
I told Kim Do-hyun, as if admiring him. Even if I was drunk, I knew how faint this pheromone was. It was fainter than what I usually felt from Choi Tae-gyeom, and it wasn’t even worth trying to suppress.
“I told you I have a good nose.”
Kim Do-hyun replied casually and took out a cigarette. I wondered if he was going to the smoking room, but surprisingly, he glanced at me and put the cigarette pack down. With my vision slightly clearer, his troubled face came into view.
“What did Choi Tae-gyeom sunbae say?”
It was a question stripped of all embellishments. It was much more like Kim Do-hyun than beating around the bush.
“He.”
A silly laugh escaped me. It wasn’t a situation to laugh, nor was I in the mood to laugh, but the corners of my lips just turned up.
“Said he’s going to forget me.”
This time, I could see exactly what kind of expression Kim Do-hyun was making. He widened his eyes and froze his face in surprise. His slightly parted lips fluttered almost imperceptibly.
“……Why?”
That was the question that barely squeezed out. A question filled with absurdity, embarrassment, and disbelief. I fiddled with the water glass in front of me and let out a long breath.
“Isn’t that the wrong question?”
I could feel heat with every breath I took. I probably reeked of alcohol, too. But everyone in this bar is drunk, so it doesn’t stand out.
“You should ask if Choi Tae-gyeom even liked me in the first place.”
Kim Do-hyun shut his mouth and turned his gaze away. Seeing him avoid my eyes so openly, I felt like I knew the answer he was about to give.
“It was obvious.”
How many times was it? The third time, or the fourth? Things I thought I was hiding were so easily seen by others.
“It was more obvious that Choi Tae-gyeom sunbae liked sunbae than sunbae liked Choi Tae-gyeom sunbae.”
It was hard to believe. I only realized his feelings on the day I revealed I was an Omega. Until then, I hadn’t even suspected that he could like me. Because his actions hadn’t changed from before, it didn’t seem like he liked me.
“I was more surprised that sunbae didn’t know.”
His actions hadn’t changed, huh. Suddenly, curiosity arose. Since when had he liked me? Since when had he started having feelings for me?
“So why does he want to give up?”
“He doesn’t like… being swayed by me with pheromone.”
I wasn’t even aware that I was answering. The image of Choi Tae-gyeom that came to mind cooled down my excited mood. The expression on his face as he said he would give up on me was vividly drawn before my eyes.
“He said he’ll give up in a month.”
“…….”
“Does that even make sense?”
Haha, I laughed. I covered my face with both hands and then lowered them as if wiping away. And I brought back the glass that Kim Do-hyun had taken away, but this time he didn’t stop me.
“It took me five years.”
As I spoke, I felt wronged. How could he say he would give up on me so easily? It’s so hard and difficult. Did he not hesitate at all to let go of his feelings?
“But a month… Yeah, a month.”
“…….”
“Can you forget someone you like in a month?”
It was almost a rhetorical question. A question that was also returning to myself. Because I would never, ever forget Choi Tae-gyeom in that time.
“……I know sunbae is drunk, but that’s not a question to ask me.”
Kim Do-hyun answered firmly and filled the glass. He had been mixing soju and beer all along, but this time he poured only clear liquid into the large glass.
“What did sunbae say?”
What did I say? My thoughts didn’t connect. I was getting drunk, and I was also getting sleepy. I didn’t want to think deeply about anything.
“What did the sunbae who couldn’t forget for five years say to the person who said they’d forget in a month?”
Kim Do-hyun urged me in a soft tone. The way he lifted the glass and drank the soju was foolishly reckless.
“I didn’t even have time to answer.”
Choi Tae-gyeom’s back was still vividly remembered. He was the one who always walked behind me, even when walking down the street. He had never shown me his back, nor had he ever left me behind. Naturally, that kind of back was a kind of shock to me.
“He just said that and left.”
“…….”
“So I couldn’t say anything.”
Kim Do-hyun listened to me quietly. He didn’t seem to have any intention of interrupting, nor did he seem to have any intention of giving me advice. I rested my chin on my hand and slowly blinked, looking at Kim Do-hyun.
“But… suddenly, I had this thought.”
“…….”
“Ah, it’s okay to just stay like this.”
In the end, this was the conclusion I came to. Even if I confessed and held onto Choi Tae-gyeom, who said he would give up, our relationship wouldn’t get better. If Choi Tae-gyeom gave up and I hid my feelings, I thought we could maintain it precariously.
“It’s better for me and Choi Tae-gyeom to just stay friends.”
“…….”
“At least then, the relationship won’t break.”
My words were getting slower and slower. I had closed my eyes at some point, and sleepiness was gradually washing over me. If I fall asleep, how will I get home? Min-jeong said she wouldn’t abandon me, so I’ll somehow be able to get home, right?
“Sunbae has never been in a relationship, have you?”
Kim Do-hyun’s question popped out after a slight pause. When I didn’t open my eyes, he muttered in a small voice.
“You’re scared because you haven’t.”
I barely managed to lift my eyelids. It felt like I would really fall asleep if I kept my eyes closed. I could feel Kim Do-hyun looking at me under the dim lights of the bar.
“Sunbae thinks too much.”
It was so spot on that I couldn’t answer.
“Like friend, like friend, Choi Tae-gyeom sunbae is the same.”
He seemed a little annoyed. Whether the target was me, Choi Tae-gyeom, or the situation. I could see an unresolvable frustration.
“Even if I take relationships lightly, I’ve never… gone back to being friends with someone I’ve slept with.”
“…….”
“The hell with this being okay.”
This was the first time I had seen Kim Do-hyun speak so emotionally. Even when he confessed in the smoking room last time, he maintained a soft tone until the end.
“Then what, are you two not going to meet anyone else for the rest of your lives?”
“…….”
“If that’s not a relationship, then what is it?”
Kim Do-hyun, who was breathing heavily as if he was excited, turned his head with his forehead pressed against his hand.
“What am I supposed to do with someone like this…”
Wait, I came to my senses. The emotions that Kim Do-hyun had shown flashed by like a panorama. But before I could say anything, he glared at me.
“Do you know how annoying sunbae is?”
He looked wronged. Even considering the fact that I was drunk, it wasn’t a misunderstanding.
“How can someone who thinks so much not think about me at all?”
“…….”
“You said you were going to confess, is that all you’re going to do?”
Emotions that Kim Do-hyun couldn’t suppress were popping out. They were conveyed to me entirely through his gaze, his tone, and his expression. Kim Do-hyun, who had picked up the glass and drank the remaining soju, put the cup down with a thud.
“If you’re not going to meet Choi Tae-gyeom sunbae, then meet me.”
“……What?”
I felt like I was sobering up. Kim Do-hyun’s voice was so calm that I almost answered that I would. His serious expression, which I had never seen before, was clear even in my drunken state.
“It’s only been a little over a month, but I’ve gotten to know sunbae a lot.”
“…….”
“Not lightly, but seriously. Not a relationship where we get to know each other gradually. Let’s do the kind of relationship that sunbae is talking about.”
It was different from what I had heard in the smoking room. The weight of his emotions was different, and the size of what he was showing was different. Unlike back then, when I could refuse immediately, this time I couldn’t open my mouth easily.
“Surely, it’s not because I’m younger again, is it?”
Kim Do-hyun smiled, deliberately pulling at the corners of his mouth. His eyes weren’t smiling at all, but his lips were curving upwards. Just as the gaze we exchanged became tense and the tension became burdensome, Kim Do-hyun’s lips twisted and went down.
“Why, am I not allowed again?”
The gaze we exchanged was stinging. The emotions that he had been sharply revealing were exposed as if they had shed their shells. I picked up the burden, and Kim Do-hyun noticed that fact. A precarious atmosphere, like a tug-of-war, surrounded us.
“Do-hyun-ah.”
I covered my face with both hands and opened my mouth. The murmuring surroundings and the dim lights repeated, moving away and then coming closer. Kim Do-hyun didn’t answer, but I took that silence as permission to continue speaking.
“Why do you like me?”
I suddenly became curious. Why does this guy like me? In this situation, what is the reason why his heart has grown so much that he confesses to a drunk person? None of the attitudes I’ve shown, the words I’ve said to him, would be a reason to like me.
“Ha.”
A breath like a sigh burst out. He chuckled briefly and muttered in a somewhat despondent voice.
“You’re asking that now?”
I turned my head and looked at Kim Do-hyun. His somewhat boyish face, and his gently drooping eyes, came into view for the first time in over a month. I rested my chin on my hand with the hand that had been covering my face and blinked slowly.
“When do you think I first saw sunbae?”
When was it? I didn’t need to think for long.
“At the freshman orientation.”
“I knew you’d say that.”
Kim Do-hyun’s hand touched the cigarette pack. As I blankly followed his fingers, I suddenly realized that the cigarette he was smoking had changed to something else. From regular cigarettes to pheromone cigarettes. And it wasn’t even the kind I had lent him.
“I’m going to go smoke.”
He opened the cigarette pack, checked that there was a lighter, and got up from his seat. When I blankly lifted my head, he looked down at me and said this.
“Do you want to come with me?”
I had no intention of smoking. I just followed him out to get some fresh air because I was too drunk. As if he had noticed my heart, Kim Do-hyun headed not to the smoking room inside the bar, but to the alleyway outside.
“I first saw sunbae last year.”
He took out a cigarette and lightly started talking. He tried to offer me one, but he muttered, “Ah, right,” and put it back in. I sat on the steps next to him and nodded quietly.
“Where did you see me last year?”
Last year was the year I was discharged from the military. I came to school so few times that I could count them on my fingers.
“At school. Sunbae even gave me a drink. You don’t remember, do you?”
Cigarette smoke scattered in the air. In the meantime, Kim Do-hyun, who had lit a cigarette, turned his head to the other side and exhaled the smoke. It was a much fainter smell than what he used to smoke.
“Why would I give you a drink?”
The few times I came to school last year were all times when I was forced to come by Park Seong-jae. Even then, it was only for a short time, and I didn’t talk to anyone except Park Seong-jae. Naturally, there was no way I would have run into Kim Do-hyun.
“I don’t know either. You’re the one who gave it to me.”
But he didn’t have any reason to deceive me, so it wasn’t like he was lying. That meant that I really had run into Kim Do-hyun at school and even given him a drink…
“I don’t remember at all.”
Was it because I was drunk? Nothing came to mind. No, I probably wouldn’t have remembered even if I was sober. When I shook my head, Kim Do-hyun flicked his cigarette as if he hadn’t expected anything.
“I guess I shouldn’t have expected sunbae to remember…”
He glanced at me and took a puff of smoke. He even said something presumptuous, asking how I got into our school with that memory. That’s different from this. That excuse didn’t work.
“I ran into you when I came here for an interview before.”
“An entrance exam interview?”
“Yes.”
Around the time of the interview, I had already been discharged from the military. Last year was only less than half a year ago.
“I had an interview in the morning, and I was sitting in front of the building waiting for a friend who came with me.”
“Did your friend get into our school?”
“If he did, he’d be here.”
“Ah… that’s right.”
I nodded with my eyes closed. My head kept tilting because I was getting drunk. Kim Do-hyun let out a thin laugh and asked me.
“Are you listening to me?”
“Yeah, I’m listening.”
“I don’t think so.”
“I said I’m listening.”
I waved my hand to tell him to keep talking. Kim Do-hyun hesitated for a moment, then opened his mouth as if he couldn’t help it.
“I couldn’t sleep properly… so I was in a bad mood. Other people were smoking next to me. It’s kind of funny to say this while smoking.”
Kim Do-hyun chuckled and turned his gaze away. He looked up at the sky and slowly continued his story.
“I was tired, annoyed, and my friend wasn’t coming… so I was about to just leave, but I held back and waited, and then sunbae passed by.”
“I did?”
“Yes, sunbae did.”
It was blurry, like I was about to remember. I passed by. What kind of building was it? The questions that came to mind as a series of processes didn’t come out of my mouth. Kim Do-hyun dropped his cigarette and stomped out the embers with his toe.
“The people who were smoking seemed to know sunbae. They called out to you, ‘Hyung, hyung,’ like they knew you.”
Because I had to retake the entrance exam, most of the male students who were my classmates called me hyung. But even then, Park Seong-jae was the only one I was close to, and I didn’t even remember the names of the other guys properly. Naturally, I didn’t remember who the guys who were smoking were either.
“What’s funny is… sunbae’s expression at that time was exactly, ‘Who are these guys?'”
“…….”
The past me really couldn’t manage my expression. Or maybe Kim Do-hyun could read minds.
“I was laughing at that and staring without thinking, and then I made eye contact with sunbae.”
Just like he said, our eyes met. His kind eyes gently drew a soft crescent moon.
“But sunbae told those people to put out their cigarettes.”
“……Really?”
“Yes. He told them to go smoke in the smoking area.”
I rubbed my face with my palm. It was to calm the heat rising on my face, but my hands were also hot, so it was useless. Kim Do-hyun slowly reached out to me as I blinked, blink, blink.
“Sunbae’s face is really hot.”
“Ah, he has big hands too. Is it because he’s tall? They seem as big as Choi Tae-gyeom’s. But only the size is similar; his body temperature is much lower. Or maybe it just feels cold because my face is hot.
“So… when did he give you the drink?”
“Right after those people left. He just handed me the one he was holding.”
“Uh-huh, I see.”
Kim Do-hyun’s hand lingered on my cheek for a while. He lightly brushed the edge of my cheek with his thumb before sighing and withdrawing his hand.
“You don’t remember, do you?”
“No.”
I didn’t even understand properly, let alone remember. If there was anywhere comfortable to lean, I would have fallen asleep long ago. I was so drowsy that the best I could do was squint at Kim Do-hyun.
“And we ran into each other a few times after you entered school, but you didn’t seem to remember me.”
“…Mm.”
“Honestly, at first, I thought you were pretending not to know me. At the freshman orientation, you told me to sit next to you, so I thought, ‘Oh, is he going to acknowledge me now?’ But you really didn’t know.”
“You should have said something.”
“I missed the timing.”
My vision blurred intermittently. My body slumped forward. If Kim Do-hyun hadn’t caught my shoulder, I might have fallen awkwardly.
“Do you want to go home?”
“No… I’m okay.”
Kim Do-hyun pulled me close, letting me lean on him. I tried to brace myself and straighten my back, but my body was out of control and already leaning on Kim Do-hyun. Even though he had just smoked a pheromone cigarette, I could feel Alpha pheromone coming from him.
“You’re emitting pheromones.”
“You’ve been emitting them since earlier, sunbae.”
Even drunk, I could sense his tension. His heart was pounding irregularly against where we were touching. He really likes me. After more than a month, that fact finally hit me.
“At first… it was just a light interest, literally.”
“…Uh-huh.”
“I didn’t even think I’d like you this much.”
He trailed off with a self-deprecating tone. I stirred and lifted my head, and his hesitant face came into view. He gripped my shoulder tightly and began in a low voice.
“Sunbae.”
I didn’t answer aloud. I was too sleepy to even move my lips. Of course, the sleepiness quickly vanished.
“I still haven’t heard your answer.”
“…Oh.”
Right, he asked me to meet him. And I asked him why he liked me.
I barely managed to shift my body. As soon as I grabbed his collar and lifted my head, Kim Do-hyun pulled my shoulder again. The pheromones emanating from him were also getting stronger.
“I like you, sunbae.”
His voice was so quiet that it would have been hard to hear if I wasn’t paying attention. But because it was quiet around us, his voice came through clearly.
“I don’t know the reason… or anything like that.”
“…”
“I was originally going to give up, but seeing you like this, I don’t want to.”
His hot breath scattered. Was it because I was drunk, or because of Kim Do-hyun’s pheromones? My stomach clenched with every breath.
“You asked if I could give up on someone I like in a month.”
Kim Do-hyun’s hand stroked my hair. He leisurely moved his hand from the back of my head to my ear and then to my cheek, making persistent eye contact.
“Date me for just one month.”
My mind creaked. It was too serious to dismiss as a joke. There was no playfulness in his dark eyes.
“To see if I can give up, or not.”
“…”
“You can just try it, sunbae.”
For a brief moment, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted. Whether it was because I was drunk or because I was intoxicated by Kim Do-hyun’s pheromones, what he was saying felt very logical. I even had the illusion that I could really forget Choi Tae-gyeom in a month.
“…”
Could I really forget Choi Tae-gyeom?
Slowly, his face came closer. Instinctively, I felt that our lips would touch. If I closed my eyes and waited for Kim Do-hyun, his breath, which was already so close, would mix with mine.
But he stopped moving, leaving a distance of about a cigarette’s length. Slowly, it was because of one word that came out of my mouth.
“Sorry.”
“…”
“I don’t think I can.”
I just suddenly realized. I could never give up on Choi Tae-gyeom. No matter how hard I tried, the time would soon come when I wouldn’t be satisfied with just staying by his side.
Even as I looked at Kim Do-hyun, Choi Tae-gyeom came to mind. I was disappointed that the subtly felt pheromones weren’t Choi Tae-gyeom’s. I didn’t know that it would be so upsetting that this warmth, this breath, wasn’t the guy I had faced my whole life.
“I can’t forget Choi Tae-gyeom.”
Kim Do-hyun didn’t widen the distance for a long time. With his face close, he just stared into my eyes. What was there to see in my eyes, which were heavy with sleepiness? Various emotions were mixed in his dark eyes.
“…I knew it.”
It was a kind of resignation. He cut off the seething emotions by tightly closing and opening his eyes. The moment his eyelids covered his eyes felt as slow as slow motion.
“I’m sorry.”
I barely managed to add an apology. Kim Do-hyun, who moved away as slowly as he had approached, took out another cigarette. His hand, clicking the lighter, kept fumbling.
“I didn’t expect anything…”
Chiiik, the end of the cigarette burned. Kim Do-hyun took a deep breath until his chest swelled, then turned his head and exhaled. Hazy smoke scattered wildly in front of my dim eyes.
“I just poked at it knowing it wouldn’t work.”
“…”
“You don’t have to say sorry.”
Last time, I didn’t feel any guilt. Even while saying sorry, I didn’t have even a sliver of guilt. Kim Do-hyun wasn’t sincere either, and I was just showing the appropriate reaction.
But this time, I resented the fact that I wasn’t good with words. I was also embarrassed that I couldn’t give a more valid reason because I had drunk so much. My heart ached that I could only return an apology for the fully expressed emotion.
“Sunbae.”
Kim Do-hyun smoked for a long time. As if regretting throwing away the long butt earlier, he didn’t throw away the cigarette butt until only the filter was barely left. During that time, I tried to shake off the alcohol, and somehow managed to chase away at least the drowsiness.
“Yeah.”
“Why do you like Choi Tae-gyeom sunbae?”
Various answers passed through my mind. He’s kind, smart, and handsome. After those clichéd reasons came to mind, more detailed reasons also came to mind. The things he did when I was sick, the kindness he only showed me, and the comfort I felt when I was by his side.
“Just.”
Numerous reasons came to mind, but I couldn’t pick out any one of them. When I thought of this, that came to mind, and when I thought of that, this came to mind. The reasons that circled around and around eventually came together into one conclusion.
“Because it’s Choi Tae-gyeom.”
No matter what reason I brought up, it always came down to Choi Tae-gyeom. Choi Tae-gyeom, who had always been by my side since I was born. Choi Tae-gyeom, whose name made my chest react pleasantly every time I pronounced it.
“That’s why I like him.”
Kim Do-hyun quietly looked down at me and rubbed the cigarette against the wall. Dark soot was drawn on the rough bricks.
“But what about a friend?”
It was a very dry assessment. It was as objective as it was cold, and as cold as it was to the point. He made a pik sound as if the wind was escaping and added in a calm voice.
“You can’t be friends with someone you like.”
It was a fact that I also knew. I knew it but pretended not to know, and I was afraid to face it and turned away. I believed that if I ignored the emotions that surged up from time to time, I could go back to the way things were before. No, I wanted to believe it.
“I know that too.”
If he met someone else, continued the relationship, and finally reached fruition. Then, could I stay by his side? The assumption that I had been desperately rejecting brought a sense of reality like pouring cold water.
“I know, but…”
“But?”
“I don’t know if I can be next to him as an Omega.”
It wasn’t simply a matter of whether Choi Tae-gyeom hated Omegas or not. If I reacted to his pheromones, lost my mind, and showed him that side of me, it would stimulate his trauma in some way.
“If Choi Tae-gyeom has a hard time because of me…”
“…”
“Then, it won’t work.”
Would it be okay to bring out the memories that were so painful that he developed Omega hatred, just for my own greed? What if meeting me, and the fact that I’m an Omega, becomes a part of his pain?
“I don’t know what happened to that sunbae, but…”
Kim Do-hyun opened his mouth in his usual soft tone. He had already thrown the cigarette butt he was holding into the trash.
“Isn’t that something he should decide?”
I shut my mouth tightly and looked up at Kim Do-hyun. Kim Do-hyun, who was looking at me expressionlessly, frowned and asked.
“Does Choi Tae-gyeom do that? Does he say he’s having a hard time because of you?”
I shook my head without speaking. The next question popped out right away.
“Does he hate having you by his side because you’re an Omega?”
“It’s not that either.”
“Does he tell you to forget him because he’s going to forget you?”
“No.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
He seemed genuinely unable to understand. I was a little intimidated by his frustrated expression.
“This is just…”
‘This is just my problem.’
Before I could finish the sentence, Choi Tae-gyeom came to mind. The one word he had said was floating around in my head. I spoke haltingly as if possessed.
“My, problem.”
My head was dazed. The words Choi Tae-gyeom had said flashed through my mind like a slideshow.
‘I can make you like yesterday right now.’
‘If I lose my mind like yesterday.’
‘I don’t want to control you with pheromones.’
I, me, and again I.
It felt like I had been hit in the back of the head. He had never once put me as the subject. The object of all the words he had said was himself, and the only thing he had said to me was, ‘If you say you hate me,’ that was all.
So I thought that all of these relationships were the conclusion that Choi Tae-gyeom had come to. I judged that if he wanted to settle down, I should respect him, and I couldn’t mess it up because of my greed. I resented him, blamed him, and comforted myself that it was inevitable.
But what if all of those things were just the conclusion I had come to? What if I stayed here with the feeling that it wouldn’t change even if I confessed, that I couldn’t cross this line, without showing my heart or even trying to talk? Choi Tae-gyeom doesn’t know anything, and I’m sure it won’t change even if I confess, that I can’t cross this line.
Then, how is that different from Choi Tae-gyeom, who said he would forget me?
“…”
Kim Do-hyun was right. Just as the things that Choi Tae-gyeom thought were a problem were nothing to me, the things that I thought were a problem were also something that Choi Tae-gyeom should decide, not me. No matter how much I rack my brain alone, it’s just self-defense.
But selfishly, I even took away Choi Tae-gyeom’s right to decide. I hid my heart under the guise of protecting him without giving him any information. The really cowardly one is me, but I pulled out because he was scared.
Foolishly. Who was it that made the decision on their own?
“…Huh.”
It wasn’t Choi Tae-gyeom’s fault. It was ridiculous to be upset, sad, and finally decide to give up. Because I haven’t done anything yet.
“It really is my problem.”
It wasn’t Choi Tae-gyeom who was trying to settle down, but the past me. It was me who drew the line, and it was me who didn’t cross that line, and it was me who decided not to cross that line. Isn’t the amount of information that each of us has too different to say that all of that was Choi Tae-gyeom’s choice?
A hollow laugh came out. My head, which had been cleared of alcohol, throbbed and ached. My heart was pounding, and my nape was tingling. Kim Do-hyun snorted and curled up the corners of his mouth.
“And I’m telling you because you keep saying friend, friend.”
He had an unpleasant expression. Kim Do-hyun, who frowned and scanned me up and down, advised me as if he was annoyed.
“Friends don’t have sex.”
“…”
“You can’t be friends with someone you’ve slept with once.”
“…”
“Sunbae, your views on dating are old-fashioned, but your views on sex are modern.”
This time, I really lost my words. As I moved my lips stupidly, he ruffled my hair and turned his back.
“I’ll go in first.”
Kim Do-hyun left the alley without hesitation. I couldn’t hold him back, and his long silhouette disappeared in the blink of an eye. Even though only one person had left, the empty alleyway was excessively quiet.
‘Sunbae, you think too much.’
They say that if you think about something for a long time, you end up worrying about it. As Kim Do-hyun said, I tend to think too much. A relationship is made by two people, so what will change if I worry alone?
‘Like calls to like, Choi Tae-gyeom sunbae is the same.’
I sat on the stairs and took out my phone. With trembling hands, I entered the numbers and finally pressed the call button. As the ringing tone went on, the tension rose belatedly.
It was almost an instinctual action. The thought that he might not answer, the thought that he might have gone to bed early. Among the many thoughts that prevented me from making the call, the biggest thought was this.
—…Hello?
I wanted to see Choi Tae-gyeom.
“Tae-gyeom-ah.”
I wanted to see his face, tell him I liked him, and tell him not to give up on me. And even if Choi Tae-gyeom chooses to settle down after that, then I really have to give up my heart.
“Were you sleeping?”
There was a tremor in my voice. For some reason, my voice seemed to be getting hoarse. The languidly loosened tone revealed that I had been drinking.
—No, it’s not time to sleep yet.
“…”
—Why?
My heart was pounding as if it would burst. Even when I took the college entrance exam, even when I let Choi Tae-gyeom sleep at my house, I had never been this nervous. My heart, which was beating strangely, was squeezing my chest with a rough sound.
—Lee Yoon-woo?
“…”
—What’s wrong?
Even in this situation, he was worried about me. His gentle voice tickled the inside of my throat. The tension that had blocked my throat melted away, and my emotions overflowed with a chalphang sound. The emotions that overflowed so naturally became a voice.
“…I missed you.”
—…….
“I called you because I missed you.”
—…….
“I miss you, Tae-gyeom-ah.”
I could hear his even breathing. No reaction came back, but I felt like I knew what kind of expression he was making. He was probably pursing his lips and slightly frowning. Or he might have been biting his lower lip with a flustered face.
—…Lee Yoon-woo.
Choi Tae-gyeom opened his mouth in a breathy voice. Maybe it was because it was night, but his voice was lower than usual. Just hearing his name made my lower abdomen tighten.
Then he spoke in a voice that had sunk as much as possible.
—Where are you now?